Total Drama Returns
by The Cheesebub
Summary: The 24 contestants from the first 3 seasons of Total Drama are back to the island for another season of intense drama, hilarious surprises, and of course, dangerous challenges! 12 campers remain, 1 in Redemption Cabin!
1. Day 1 Part 1: The Campers Arrive

**Total Drama Returns**

The Cheesebub's Message: This is a fantasy season based off the hit TV series Total Drama. It takes place shortly after Total Drama World Tour. The entire season will be on the island, with the twenty-four contestants fighting for the prize the old-fashioned way. However, each episode, there will be a reward challenge as well as an immunity challenge, kinda like Survivor, if you've seen that. So, without further ado, on with the show!

Chris Mclean: Hello, folks! The last time you saw me, we were rocking Hawaii with the season 3 finale! Heather took home the cheddar, only to have it stolen by a Golem-esque Ezekiel, and thrown into a volcano! Sucks to be you, Heather, sucks to be you. But it was Alejandro who really took a beating, getting kneed in the kiwis, trampled by the contestants, coated in lava, and put in a robot suit! But that's all behind us now, as we start up season 4 of Total Drama! We're bringing all 24 contestants back to Camp Wawanakwa for another shot at one hundred thousand dollars! But there's a catch: the top 15 scoring contestants will be moving on to season 5, where they'll battle for an even bigger prize! But first, let's get on with season 4 of Total Drama, TOTAL DRAMA RETURNS!

**(Theme Song Plays)**

**Day 1 Part 1-Chapter 1: The Campers arrive**

Chris: Welcome back, my friends! It's time for out 24 contestants to arrive! First up, it's everyone's favorite uber geeky creepazoid with no life and an unfathomable love of ninjas, Harold! (Harold gets out of the boat, playing Nintendo DS.)

Chris: Sorry, Harold, but I'm afraid you're gonna have to fork that thing over. No electronics allowed on camp.

Harold: But this isn't your average electronic device! I've rewired the circuits on this Nintendo DS so that it can also give you a back massage, play smooth jazz, and make pink lemonade!

Chris: Too bad, nerdy boy. (He grabs the Nintendo DS and throws it into the water).

Harold: NO! MY NINTENDO! (He jumps into the water headfirst) I WILL RETRIEVE YOU!

Chris: Now, while he's busy, it's time for our second contestant, Bridgette!

Bridgette: Hey, Chris! It's great to be here again!

Chris: Bridgette! Are you actually gonna try this season, or just play smoochie face with Geoff, as usual?

Bridgette: Who knows? I have a feeling that I might be the one to win it this year!

Chris: Yeah, if we just got rid of Alejandro, Heather, Courtney, Owen, Duncan…

Bridgette: OKAY, I GET IT! (She angrily grabs her surfboard and stomps over to the end of the dock)

Chris: Hey, I'm just being realistic here! (Suddenly, everyone hears a voice).

?: Actually, Chris, you're never realistic. It's what makes you so mysterious and sexy. Speaking of which, I'm gonna need some pictures of you naked for my Chris blog. (Everyone turns to see that it is Sierra, who has just stepped off the boat.)

Chris (sarcastically): Ah yes, Sierra. Wonderful to have you back. Unfortunately for you, Cody isn't here yet, so you'll have to wait before you bury him in your chest.

Sierra: No… Cody? (She bursts into tears as Bridgette awkwardly comforts her. Suddenly, heavy metal starts blaring)

Harold (sticking his head out of the water): Oh, great. My mortal enemy is here. (Duncan jumps down from the balcony of the boat, a sly look on his face)

Duncan: Excellent timing for season 4, Chris. Got me free of all my juvy charges.

Harold: Yeah! One of them for trying to feed me to your pet bird spider!

Duncan: Oh, that was a long time ago, Harold. Can't we just leave the past behind us?

Harold: You've tormented me since day one! I'll never forgive you! Never!

Duncan: Oh, in that case, I guess I don't have to worry about letting this guy roam free then. (He takes out a huge bird spider, and places it on the dock. Harold screams like a little girl and ducks back under the water)

Duncan: So, Chris. Where's my girl Gwen at? (Chris snickers) What's so funny?

Chris: We just thought it might be funny if we put her on the same boat as Courtney. Just for ratings.

Duncan: Oh, no! If you do that, Gwen won't come off alive!

Chris: Oh, I'm sure Courtney will hold back. (The scene cuts to Courtney and Gwen, in a cramped room together. Gwen is using the table to deflect Courtney's assaults with a butcher's knife. Courtney then snarls and grabs a rifle and starts to aim)

Duncan: This is gonna be bad.

Chris: Next, it's Geoff!

Geoff: The Chris man! Awesome to be here again! (They fist bump, and the party animal continues down the dock). Duncan, good to see you. (The punk just rolls his eyes)

Duncan: I don't associate myself with people who can't stop making out just to take a breath of air.

Geoff: Your loss. (He starts making out with Bridgette. Harold climbs up onto the dock, soaking wet, with his Nintendo DS in one hand).

Harold: Chris, I hope you know how much I went through to get this. Good thing I put this waterproof cover on it. My baby is still safe.

Chris: OK, Harold, you've been persistent enough. I'll let you keep it, on one condition. You let it try out that back massage function on me sometime. You do not know what being a host does to your spine! (Harold nods, and goes back to playing Nintendo. Chris is combing his hair seductively when he is disrupted by two very loud squeals. Katie and Sadie have arrived).

Katie and Sadie (in perfect sync): Hi Chris! Hi Chris! Hi Chris! Hi-

Chris: SHUT IT!

Katie: Sorry, Chris we're just so excited! And now, you'll never be able to kick us off separately! We're together forever! (They both lift up their shirts partway. To everyone's horror, they have a bond connecting them).

Sadie: We're connected.

Chris: Okay, um, that's really creepy, so why don't you just stand over there with the other contestants and try not to show us that again.

Katie and Sadie: You got it! (They walk over to the others).

Chris: Here comes the lady's man, Cody!

Sierra: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Chris: Well, it appears someone's happy about this. (Cody is thrown out of the boat, much to his dismay)

Cody (trying to get back on the boat): Wait! Let me back on! You don't know what she's like! Please, I'll do anything! (The boat's door slams shut)

Cody (to himself): Well, I might as well put on my charm. (He turns to the campers, a sly grin on his face.)

Cody: Dude, psyched to be here, man. I see the ladies have already arrive- (he is cut off short when Sierra tackles him to the ground).

Sierra: You meant me, didn't you? (Cody tries to respond, but is muffled by her braid falling into his mouth)

Chris: Ah, true love. It really touches your heart. And sickens your stomach. Speaking of true love, Harold, it appears your gal Leshawna is here! (Leshawna steps off the boat with a huge amount of luggage.)

Leshawna: Yo, what's up Chris man! Leshawna the chocolate gal is here to save the competition! Just give me the money already, because no wimpy whitey is gonna win this year!

Chris: Yo, Leshawna! Still talkin' the ghetto slang, huh? You sure have got a lot of luggage this year.

Leshawna: A big girl like me's gotta have a big amount of luggage! (She sees Harold) Yo, sugar baby! How yo doin'? (Harold barely glances up from his DS. Angry, Leshawna walks over to him and glares).

Leshawna: Been taught not to respond lately? (Her glare then breaks into a smile) Oh, how could I hate an angel face like that? (She hugs him tightly)

Harold: Oy, can you stop? You know, it's very rude to hug someone when they're trying to get a high score on Pac-man! Gosh!

Leshawna (beckoning to the Nintendo DS): What is that thingy anyway?

Harold: This _thingy_ is a Nintendo DS, one of the most ingenious gaming systems ever created!

Leshawna: So you're choosing _it_ over _me_?

Harold: No no no, that's not what I'm doing at all. I will make sure that I have equal time for both my ladies. Now, can you hold my dear Nintendo for a moment while I floss my teeth? And make sure you don't get any of your greasy fingerprints on her screen. (Leshawna, in response, shoves him off the dock.)

Harold (sticking his head out of the water): Wow! This waterproof cover is proving to be quite useful today!

Chris: Next up, our gay guitarist, Trent!

Trent: I'm not gay!

Chris: Sorry. Just a fun alliteration.

Trent: Well, it's not cool, man!

Duncan: Whoa, man, are you okay? You seem pretty angry.

Trent: Don't talk to me, girlfriend stealer! If it weren't for you, I'd still be with Gwen! (Meanwhile Cody's finally pried himself free from Sierra, and is covered in lipstick marks.)

Cody: Yeah! I might have also gotten a chance with Gwen if you hadn't come along and kissed her! She was so close to falling for me! I could see it in her eyes. She so wanted me! (Duncan bursts out laughing at this)

Duncan: Yeah, maybe in your creepy little fantasies! (He turns to Trent) And I wasn't the reason she dumped you. That was your freaky number 9 obsession.

Trent: Why you little—

Chris: We'll have all that time for the juicy drama soup in a minute. But first, I have to introduce the rest of the contestants. And, without further ado, Owen! (Owen sticks his head out the boat's door)

Owen: Whoohoohoo! It's so awesome to be here—(he takes a step onto the dock, immediately crashes through, and gets stuck)

Chris: Owen! That's the new dock of shame!

Owen: Oops. Sorry. Hey can somebody help me out? Anybody? Please? (Nobody is paying attention. Harold is playing Nintendo, Leshawna is sorting through her luggage, Bridgette and Geoff are making out and really getting into it, Trent and Duncan are glaring at each other, Katie and Sadie are chatting away, and Cody is trying desperately to avoid Sierra.)

Chris: Sorry, buddy. I guess you'll be stuck there for a while.

Owen: Can I at least have some FOOD? I haven't eaten in like, twelve minutes!

Chris: I think we have just the thing for you! Oh, Chef! (Chef walks out, with a huge pile of granola bars in his arms)

Chef: Since I'm sick of cooking for you dumb campers, I just bought a bunch of these tasty Granola bars from the Middle East! Nice and cheap! Have one, tubby! (He throws one to Owen, who catches it and inspects the label)

Owen: Chopped Iguana flavor. Mmm… sounds zesty. (He stuffs it into his mouth, causing the other campers to gag. Owen tries to reach for more, but Chef slaps his hands away)

Chef: No more for you! I do not want to smell your farts tonight! (He walks away).

Owen: NOOOOOOOOO!

Chris: Aww… its okay, Owen. Now let's see who's next to arrive! (Izzy comes swinging in on a vine, screaming wildly. Her foot hits Chris in the face, and she lands on the dock.)

Chris: OW! Not cool, Izzy! This beautiful face does not need footprints!

Izzy: Sorry, Chris! I actually think you look better that way! Really evens out your cheekbones! They were real uneven before!

Chris: I knew that plastic surgeon didn't know what he was doing!

Izzy: Anyways, ever since you announced season 4, I've been living on the island with Justin Timberlake and Justin Bieber! They're really good at foraging.

Duncan: You mean the two girly singers who have no balls and can't sing for crap?

Izzy: Yeah, those two. We sang some great campfire songs together. But then we came across a bear, and we had to sacrifice poor Justin Bieber to get away. He was, after all, the juiciest. Speaking of juicy, the dock is really soft now! What'd you do to it?

Owen (muffled): That's my face! (Izzy doesn't notice, and continues to stand on his face)

Chris: It seems that our fatty is having a little trouble today! Now, here comes our favorite know-it-all, Noah! (Noah steps off the boat, and looks quizzically at Izzy, who is still standing on Owen's face, despite his cries.)

Noah: Still going through a messy breakup, I presume? (He laughs at his own joke. No one else does)

Izzy: Hi, Noah! Wow, your forehead has gotten much bigger since the last time I saw you! Have you been getting extensions?

Noah: Not at all, Nutsy. I've simply been nourishing my mind with the energy it requires. Try it sometime. (He continues walking down the dock)

Leshawna: So are you actually going to try this season, turkey?

Noah: Perhaps. Strenuous activity weakens the mind, you know. And this year, brainpower will beat all. No one with just brute strength could ever make it far.

Eva: Is that what you think, bony arms? (Everyone turns to see her stepping off the next boat, scowling crazily)

Noah: Er… Eva! Great to see you!

Eva: Answer my question!

Noah: I'm just saying that it's ripe time for some with half a brain to win this year! After all- (He is interrupted by Eva's bag of weights hitting him in the head and knocking him off the dock)

Geoff: God, that was bad. Nice aim, Eva!

Eva: Serves the string bean right.

Noah (splashing about): HELP! I CAN'T SWIM! (The honk of a horn signals the next arrival. Alejandro jumps off the boat and rips off his shirt, causing the ladies to swoon).

Alejandro: I will save you! (He jumps into the water and grabs Noah. Taking the scrawny Indian boy in one arm, he climbs back onto the dock.)

Alejandro: Who knows mouth to mouth resuscitation?

Harold: I do! (He hands his Nintendo DS to Leshawna, and prepares to give Noah mouth to mouth. Noah's eyes shoot open before this can happen, though)

Noah: Geez, I'm fine! Don't even try to give me mouth to mouth! I'll probably catch a deadly disease!

Chris: Alejandro! A stunning entrance, as usual. But what happened to your robot suit? I thought you were horribly mutilated!

Alejandro: I was, but then I heard about your plastic surgeon, and I immediately got all the work I needed. And now, I am once again my handsome self!

Chris: Yep you are. How many contestants do you think you'll attract this season?

Alejandro: Oh, perhaps… a few.

Bridgette: Not me! I'd never fall for a crooked villain like you! (Alejandro grins seductively at this)

Alejandro: That's not how it was in season 3. (Bridgette glares at him, but a small blush forms on her cheeks)

Chris: I bet I know who you really want to see this season!

Alejandro: Yes, alas, I am desperately awaiting Heather's arrival. We have been separated far too long.

Cody: Why would you miss Heather? She humiliated you on national TV!

Noah: Not to mention kneed you in the crotch, slapped you down a volcano, got you trampled by us, soaked in lava, and put in a robot suit for what have been forever if you hadn't hired Chris's plastic surgeon!

Alejandro: I admit she has been playing hard to get, but that's what attracts me so! Every time she severely injures me, it just makes me want her even more!

Chris: If that aint romance, I don't what is. OK, pretty boy, you can go stand with the others. (Alejandro walks down the dock. He fist bumps Duncan, grins at some of the females such as Bridgette and Leshawna, and stands next to Katie and Sadie.)

Alejandro: You don't mind if I stand here, do you?

Katie and Sadie (swooning): Not at all.

Chris: I think we've all had enough of pretty boy. So let's bring along the exact opposite! Beth! (Beth steps off the boat, holding a large pig in her arm)

Beth: Hi Chris! I'm so excited to be here! You don't mind if I brought my pig, Big Bertha, along, do you?

Chris: As long as you don't let it get in my trailer. Plus, you guys look great together! A matching pair!

Beth: Thanks! We share a connection that no one else does.

Eva: Yeah, because you're pretty much the same species.

Beth: That's what my mom says sometimes!

Duncan (whispering to his bird spider and pointing at the pig): See that there, Birdey? That's dinner.

Beth: You better not even try to feed Big Bertha to your spider!

Duncan: Just kidding! Geez! Take a joke!

Beth: I wish Brady were here. He would teach all of you a lesson! He's an animal rights activist, you know? And he's smokin' hot!

Justin: Did I hear the word "hot"? (He steps off the next boat and flashes a blinding smile) Because I am the exact synonym!

Chris: Justin's here, everybody! Still as hot as ever, I presume. You, me, and Alejandro could form a trio, you know?

Justin: Sorry, but I would never work with someone like Alejandro! He uses his good looks to manipulate the ladies! I would never do that.

Izzy: But you did, back in season 2. Too bad your powers hardly ever worked.

Justin: They did too work! Now shut up, crazy girl!

Owen (muffled from beneath Izzy's feet): Hi, Justin! You look really hot today! (Everybody turns to him and stares) Uh… because… it's like, 92 degrees out! Maybe you should take off your shirt. Yeah, I would like that. (Everybody stares at him again) Not because I like your chiseled chest and manly abs or anything! Uh… because I don't!

Chris: Owen, it would benefit you to just shut your mouth before you say any more gay things. Now, our next competitor! Alejandro, you might like this one. (Alejandro runs to over to the boat, and sure enough, Heather steps off.

Alejandro: Heather! We are finally reunited! (He scoops her up in a hug)

Heather: What are you doing? Let go of me! (Alejandro lets go of her)

Alejandro: Wait, aren't you happy to see me?

Heather: Why would I be happy to see you?

Alejandro: I thought you admitted your true love for me!

Heather: That was all purely strategic!

Alejandro: Sure it was.

Heather: It was! Now go away! Go play with the other loser girls who get suckered into becoming your personal slaves! (Katie and Sadie look at each other, shrug, and then go back to swooning over Alejandro)

Chris: Wow, Heather, you seem even meaner than usual. And that's saying something.

Heather: Well, I am still just a little ticked off that I was deprived of my million, all because of some freaky prairie rabid homeschool that went psycho on me! Where is that little worm, anyway! I want to teach him a lesson!

Chris: You mean Ezekiel? All in good time Heather, all in good time. (Kicking Chris in the leg, Heather walks down the dock)

Leshawna: Well if it aint the queen bitch herself. Not so confident now that you got schooled by Ezekiel!

Heather: Shut up, you ghetto freak! You got schooled by Alejandro, which isn't something to brag about, I'm afraid.

Leshawna: Why you little bitch! I slapped you silly! I seized the say! You're just a bitchy, cat-kissing, heartless, sinful soul of a bitch!

Heather: Nobody likes you either, you fatty black ball of dough!

Leshawna: Why can't you ever just look in the mirror and see what a bitch you've become?

Heather: Because you're big butt is always blocking my view! Anyone's view, in fact!

Leshawna: THAT'S IT! YOU'RE GOING DOWN!

Heather: BRING IT! (The two tackle each other and start clawing)

Harold: Sweet! A catfight! (Meanwhile, Lindsay steps off the next boat)

Lindsay (in a sing-songy voice): Hi!

Chris: Ah, Lindsay. Still as beautiful as ever. Mind if I sneak a kiss?

Noah: That's disgusting, Chris! She's like, twenty years younger than you!

Lindsay: Sorry, Carl. But I have only one man for me! And his name's uh… wait, I've got this! I can't quite place it…

Eva: Tyler?

Lindsay: No, that's not it… just give me a moment…

Chris: While Lindsay is contemplating this, let's introduce our next contestant, Tyler!

Lindsay: Oh, yeah! His name is Tyler! (Everybody slaps their forehead and groans. Suddenly, a helicopter appears in the sky)

Chris: Tyler has been practicing sky-diving, and he decided he'd display his skills for us. In other words… DUCK AND COVER! (Everybody grabs their suitcases and puts them over their heads. Tyler comes rocketing down headfirst)

Tyler: COWABUNGA! YEAH! Wait a minute! I forgot my parachute! Oh no! Oh no! Oh—(He is cut off when he lands in a tree)

Chris: Wicked landing, dude!

Tyler (hanging from a branch by his sweatband): Thanks! But, can somebody help me down? Somebody? Anybody? (He notices Lindsay) Lindsay! You're here! Finally! (He takes off his sweatband, making him fall out of the tree and land on his face) Oof.

Lindsay: Tyler? Is that really you?

Tyler: Yes, it's me, beautiful.

Lindsay: Are you sure you're Tyler? Because I remember him being way cooler than you! And he didn't have such a big nose!

Tyler: My nose isn't that big!

Lindsay: Oh, whatever. I don't care about your nose. All that matters is that you're Tyler, the boy of my dreams!

Sierra: Just like Cody's the boy of my dreams! (She pinches Cody's cheek lovingly, making him groan)

Chris (sarcastically): This is all so touching. Too bad I don't care. And here comes DJ, the lovable jock himself!

Tyler: I thought I was the jock here!

DJ: You are. I've given up football.

Geoff: But why, DJ? You were like the best football player there was!

DJ: That's all changed. I'm never giving myself up to violence. I've hurt enough baby animals. The mummy dog. The seagull. The panda. The seal. The turtle. The goat. The monkeys. (A tear wells up in his eye)… Irene. I will make sure that no harm ever befalls another animal.

Chris: That's real touching, dude. (Nodding solemnly, DJ walks over to Geoff and stands next to him)

Geoff (patting DJ on the back): It's okay, buddy.

Chris: And now, by far my favorite two arrivals, Gwen and Courtney! (Gwen and Courtney step off the boat. Gwen's makeup is running, she's covered in scratches, and her clothes are torn. Courtney's hair is messed up, she has a black eye, and she has a bloody nose.)

Chris: Wow! You guys tore each other apart!

Courtney: You did this on purpose, didn't you? Putting me on the same boat as that boyfriend stealer!

Gwen: It's not like you were exactly playing nice, back there! Chris, were you the one who put a rifle on the boat?

Chris: Oh, I was hoping you would find that.

Courtney: You will pay for this!

Gwen: Hey, I'm not the one who took it and started firing like a trigger-happy, rabid, crazed weasel!

Courtney: I don't have time for the likes of you. (She stomps down the dock)

Duncan: So, Gwen, still looking as gothy as ever.

Gwen: Got a couple more piercings, juvy boy? Or were you too busy with all your lawsuits? (They both grin, and start walking towards each other. Once they are just inches apart from each other, they lean in for the kiss. Suddenly, Trent pops up, and wraps his arms around the two of them.)

Trent: Wow. I just love how good friends you are! Why don't you just keep it at that, so you don't destroy your friendship?

Cody: Yeah, uh… I agree with Trent.

Duncan: Hey, I'll go as far as I want with my girlfriend!

Trent: Gwen should be with me!

Cody: Or me!

Trent: But probably me!

Cody: Hey, don't count me out!

Gwen: Listen, you two, I don't wanna have to deal with this, okay?

Trent: But who do _you_ like more?

Gwen: Frankly, right now, I hate the both of you.

Cody: But who do you hate more?

Gwen: Ugh! I can't deal with this! (She stomps off)

Duncan: Nice going, guys.

Chris: Well there we have it! Our twenty-four contestants! Harold, Bridgette, Sierra, Duncan, Geoff, Katie, Sadie, Cody, Leshawna, Trent, Owen, Izzy, Noah, Eva, Alejandro, Beth, Justin, Heather, Lindsay, Tyler, DJ, Courtney, and Gwen!

Noah: Uh, Chris? That's only twenty-three. Work on your counting.

Bridgette: Yeah! We're missing somebody!

DJ: But who?

Tyler: Wait a minute. Where's Ezekiel?

Chris: Oh, that. Hehe… I'll explain…

**Where is Ezekiel?**

**What will the teams be?**

**What sort of new conflicts and friendships will form? **

**When will Courtney ever get over her hatred for Gwen? **

**And when will we ever get Owen unstuck?**

**All these questions answered in the next exciting chapter of**

**Total Drama Returns!**


	2. Day 1 Part 2: Love thy Teammates

**Total Drama Returns**

The Cheesebub's Message: Warning: This chapter contains some more mature content, but nothing too bad, just some sexual references and a few of the boys carving out a peephole (And I bet you can guess which ones, too!)

**Day 1 Part 2-Chapter 2: The Gameplay of TDR**

Tyler: Wait a minute. Where's Ezekiel?

Chris: Oh, that. Hehe… I'll explain… Ezekiel might not be here for a while.

Heather: Yes! Serves that money-stealing homeschool right!

Beth: Why won't he be here for a while?

Chris: Well, I'm afraid Ezekiel ran into a little trouble on his way here. (A grin plays at his lips.)

Courtney: You had something to do with this, didn't you?

Chris: Perhaps. But enough about Ezekiel! Let's move on with the show! Everybody follow me to the campfire pit.

Owen: Hey! What about me? I'm still stuck!

Chris: I have just the thing. Oh, Chef! (Chef comes out with a mallet and smashes it over Owen's head, knocking him through the hole in the dock he made. Owen clambers up onto the dock, soaking wet.)

Owen: Thanks, Chef. I owe you one. (He then falls on the ground, unconscious.)

Chris: Now that that's done, everybody follow me!

Noah: But now Owen is unconscious! How does that make things any different?

Chris: If you're so worried about the fatty, you can carry him.

Noah: Eh, he can manage on his own. (The campers follow Chris to the campfire pit.)

Sierra: Eee! This place is exactly what I thought it would look like! (She sniffs the air) It smells exactly how I imagined it! (She licks the ground) It **tastes** exactly what I thought it would taste like! Muddy with a faint scent of urine. (Everybody watches as she does this in utter horror.)

Chris: Everybody stop watching the creepy stalker. Eyes on me! Thank you. This is Camp Wawanakwa, your home for the next eight weeks. The campers sitting around you will be your cabin mates, your competition, and maybe even your friends. Ya dig? The camper who manages to stay on Total Drama Island the longest without getting voted off will win one-hundred thousand dollars!

Noah: Isn't that like, the exact same speech you did last year?

Sierra: Yep. Totally. I've memorized the opening speech myself.

Chris: Geez, I'm on a tight budget, okay? It's hard to come up with good opening monologues! So I thought I would recycle the old one. You got a problem with that?

Duncan: Not at all. It saves us from having to listen to your voice.

Chris: I'll pretend I didn't hear that comment. As I was saying, the competition will be on Total Drama Island.

Gwen: Why would you need to say that? I think we pretty much assumed that if we were _coming_ to Total Drama Island, the competition would _be_ on Total Drama Island!

Chris: Wow, everyone's just laying the hate on me today, aren't they? Anywho, I'm gonna split you into your two respective teams. We're going back to the normal way, where the teams are randomly picked. (He takes out a hat, filled with slips of paper.) OK, the first team will be known as… The Screaming Ivy!

Heather: You're going to plants this season? What, are you guys, like, vegetarians now?

DJ: They should be. Animal cruelty is wrong, sister!

Chris: Actually, we've been getting a lot of angry emails claiming we've been glorifying the destruction of nature. So now we have to change the team names to plants, or the show will get canceled. So, if I pull your name, go stand over there. (He reaches into the hat.)

Chris: The first person… Courtney, Gwen, and Duncan!

Courtney: Uh… Chris! That's three people!

Chris: Well, people just wanted to see so much more of the love triangle, so I thought I'd put you all on one card! Fun, right?

Courtney: No, not at all! I refuse to be with these two demons! Why would you do this, you son of a bitc—(She is cut off by Chef clamping a hand over her mouth.)

Chris: Thanks, Chef. I needed that. Okay, the next person is… Trent!

Gwen: Yeah, why not? Just make us boil in more awkward soup!

Trent: Don't worry, Gwen. I've given up on you. I can see that you're happy with Duncan, and that's all I care about. I'll leave you alone.

Gwen: Well, that gets a load off my back—

Chris: Cody!

Gwen: Aauggghh! (Cody walks over and grins slyly at Gwen.)

Cody: It seems like fate keeps putting us together, eh, Gwen?

Gwen: This cannot be happening.

Sierra: Chris! Oh, Chris! Please put me on that team! Please put me on that team!

Chris: Maybe. If you're lucky, you'll reunite with your husband soon enough.

Cody: We're not even married!

Chris: That's not what her sixteen blogs say. Did you know her wallpaper is a video of you saying "I do"?

Cody: But I had to go to the bathroom! I had to say "I do"!

Chris: Enough. (He takes out three slips of paper and reads them.) Eva. Izzy. Noah. You're all part of the Screaming Ivy.

Izzy: Sweet! I get to be with Eva and Noah! (She turns to them.) You know, you should get cool names like E-Scope. Eva, you can be the Mole Wonder, and Noah, you can be Dr. Egghead! (The two glance at each other and groan.)

Chris: Next on the Screaming Ivy is Justin. Then… Beth. (Beth screeches happily and hugs Justin.)

Chris: Alejandro, you're on the Screaming Ivy too. Only one more person will be on the Screaming Ivy. Who's it gonna be?

Sierra: IT'S GOTTA BE ME! IT'S GOTTA BE ME! I MUST HAVE CODY!

Chris: Let's find out. (He dramatically reaches into the hat and slowly pulls out a name. Sierra is literally shaking in her shoes as this happens. Chris examines the slip, and grins.) The final person on the Screaming Ivy is... Lindsay. (Lindsay walks over to the Screaming Ivies, and happily squeals with Beth.)

Sierra: WHAT? YOU DIDN'T PICK ME?

Chris: Hey, it was completely random—

Sierra: I WILL KILL YOU CHRIS MCLEAN!

Chris (backing away): Uh… Chef? I'm gonna need you over here. (Chef unclamps his hand from Courtney's mouth and clamps his hand down on Sierra's mouth.)

Chris: Ah… that's better.

Chef: YOUCH! (He lets go of Sierra's mouth. His hand is dripping with blood.)

Sierra: HOW COULD YOU CHRIS? HOW COULD YOU?

Chris: Chef, why'd you let go of her mouth?

Chef: Damn! The girl can bite!

Chris: Whatever. Listen, Sierra…

Sierra: Don't talk to me!

Chris: There is a way for Cody to be on your team, but first, I have to draw the other team's names. They'll be known as the Killer Redwoods!

Bridgette: What good is that? We already know the people who didn't have their names called are the other team!

Chris: It's traditional! Sheesh! (He reaches into the hat and pulls out the first two slips.) Katie and Sadie.

Katie and Sadie: Thank you Chris, thank you!

Chris: The next three people are Tyler, Geoff, and DJ.

Tyler: Sweet! We can be like, the trio of jocks! We'll kick butt!

Geoff: Yeah, and host the wildest parties on the island! (DJ just barely nods.) Wow, DJ, you've been a real downer.

DJ: I just can't stop thinking about the poor dead animals of the world! (Suddenly Owen comes up behind them.)

Geoff: Owen! You regained your consciousness!

Owen: Yeah… but my head still hurts… I feel like somebody wacked it with a mallet… (Tyler, Geoff, and DJ decide not to tell him that he actually _did_ get wacked in the head by a mallet.)

Owen: Anyways, I couldn't help but overhear that DJ was going through a state of depression. About all the dead animals of the world and stuff. Whenever I'm depressed I do something that helps make me feel better…

DJ: Please tell! I'll do anything to stop thinking about those poor animals!

Owen: Well, whenever I'm depressed I always imagine a feast. With all the foods you can name. Mac n cheese… String beans… mashed potatoes... (DJ's eyes slowly lull over, and he grins.)

DJ: Please, continue.

Owen: Caesar salad, and Rice-a-Roni… Oh, man, I could go for some Rice-a-Roni right now… Anyways, there's PB n J sandwiches…

DJ: Like Mamma used to make. (A tear wells up in his eyes.)

Owen: Yes, like Mamma used to make… Not to mention ice cream… and pancakes… Oh! And a huge platter of roast beef to boot!

DJ: M-m-meat?

Owen: Yeah, meat! I bet you like meat, don't you? All the meats you could eat. Seagull meat, panda meat, seal meat, turtle meat, goat meat, oh, and monkey meat, if they have it. And fish! All the fish you could eat! (DJ bursts into tears, and runs off.)

Geoff: Owen! Why'd you say that? You know the reason DJ was depressed was because he was against animals being slaughtered!

Owen: Whoops. No wonder I'm not a motivational speaker. (Meanwhile, Heather and Leshawna are picked for Killer Redwoods.)

Heather: Sorry, but I cannot be with her. It's impossible.

Leshawna: Exactly! I would rather die than be put on Heather's team! Total Drama World Tour? Best season of my life.

Chris: Sorry, gals, but I have your names on the same slip. Your conflict makes the ratings shoot through the roof! Almost as much as the love triangle over there!

Leshawna (glaring at Heather): I could diss you so bad right now, but you're not even worth the words, scum queen.

Heather: I could too, but most of it wouldn't fit in your limited ghetto vocabulary!

Leshawna: OKAY, I'VE HAD ENOUGH! (She lunges at Heather, and they start to fight.)

Harold: Sweet! Another catfight!

Chris: The next member of the Killer Redwoods is Bridgette. Then Harold.

Bridgette: You know, this really is unnecessary—

Chris: I don't care! Now shut it before I put you on a team all by yourself! (He pulls another slip out of the hat and reads it.) Owen. But I can see you're already getting acquainted with your teammates. DJ just not able to take your farts?

Owen: Yeah… something like that.

Chris: Finally, Sierra.

Sierra: I'm not going anywhere until you tell me how I can get Cody on my team! (Cody, meanwhile, is hiding in the bushes)

Chris: Well, because of the absence of Ezekiel, your team is down a male competitor. If Cody wishes, he can move over to the Killer Redwoods.

Sierra: Yay! C'mon Cody! Out of the bushes! Come over here!

Chris: But still, if Cody doesn't want to transfer, he can just stay on the Screaming Ivy.

Sierra: Why would he want to do that? (Cody finally gets out of the bushes and sighs.)

Chris: Well, Cody, it's your choice.

Cody: Er… um… see…

Sierra: Cody! Why are you taking so long to decide? Follow your heart already!

Cody: You're right. I will. (He turns to Chris.) I choose to stay on the Screaming Ivy.

Sierra: WHAT?

Chris: Hehe… I think I'll go start up the new Confession Cam. Because I think some people will have a lot of venting to do.

**Confession Cam **

**Sierra: Why would Cody do something like this? We were friends! Best friends! (She thinks for a moment, then glares.) I'm starting to think that Cody might not be my friend after all. **

**Cody: Yeah, I said it. I don't wanna be on Sierra's team. No more of my possessions are gonna get stolen. No more foot rubs. Wait a minute. No more foot rubs? No more foot rubs? NO MORE FOOT RUBS! WOOHOO!**

**Heather: That Leshawna is such a *** ***** **** **** ***** ** **** ****** **** *** ** ***** ******* ************ *** **** ******* *** ****** *** *** ***** **** ****! I mean, who can stand her?**

**Gwen: Chris is so stupid for putting me with Courtney! And Trent! Not to mention Cody… And that braniac Noah is pretty annoying too. Don't even get me started on Eva or Izzy! Justin is a complete narcissist, and Alejandro's even worse! And I have a feeling I'm gonna be kept up at night by Lindsay and Beth's annoying squeals. Pretty much the only person I can stand is Duncan, and even he can be a jerk at times! Hey, I guess that's just how goth girls think. **

**Leshawna: That Heather is such a *** ***** **** **** ***** ** **** ****** **** *** ** ***** ******* ************ *** **** ******* *** ****** *** *** ***** **** ****! I mean, who can stand her?**

**Alejandro: Yes, it is a tragedy that I was not put on Heather's team. But now, I won't be distracted by her lustful stare…**

**Chris: Here's the deal. That stupid Ezekiel totally killed our ratings. What with his sexist comments and creepy transformation, my inbox was literally spilling over with angry emails from both the feminist society **_**and**_** the health department! So I arranged with the captain of his boat to use whatever means necessary to keep him away from the island. Ezekiel is not gonna be coming here this season!**

**End of Confessionals**

_**Meanwhile…**_

(Ezekiel is fighting with the captain of his boat. The captain delivers an uppercut right into his jaw, making him reel backwards. Ezekiel counters with a kick to the crotch. Keeling over, the captain attempts to bring his fist down on Ezekiel's head, but hits his toque with a loud clang)

Ezekiel: It's a good thing I wore my metal toque today, eh? (Taking a sledgehammer, he knocks out the captain, and then walks over to the controls of the boat.) You thought you could contain me, eh, Chris? Well, hoo aboot that? I'm comin' for you, Chris! Just you wait!

**Back at Camp**

Chris: Now that all that's done, it's time to explain how this year's competition will work. Every day, there will be a reward challenge, and then an immunity challenge. Reward challenges tend to be much simpler, while immunity challenges could have several parts.

Noah: How the hell are we gonna fit this into a half hour show?

Chris: All the audience cares about is the injuries. So that's what they'll get when you guys are on air. See right now, we're not on air, because nobody likes the boring talking.

Alejandro: But then the audience will have no idea what's going on!

Chris: So? Most of our viewing demographic is violent, psychopathic nerds who are just watching the show to take a break from playing World of Warcraft on their Nintendo DS! (Everyone glances at Harold, who is playing World of Warcraft on his Nintendo DS. Harold looks up and notices them.)

Harold: What?

Chris: Violent nerd boys aside, let's work out sleeping arrangements!

Owen: I hope they're not coed. That would stink. (All the guys glare at him.)

Chris: Don't worry, fatty, they're not coed. There'll be two cabins, with a wall separating the boys and girls side. Had a little problem with a couple of you last time about staying on the right side. (Cody and Duncan look around nervously and start whistling.)

Chris: You have an hour to unpack and bond with your fellow roommates. Speaking of which, Courtney, you're gonna have to hand me the rifle back. We don't want **that** kind of bonding. (Courtney reluctantly hands over the gun.)

Chris: And Duncan, you're gonna have to hand me all the condoms you're hiding in your bag. We don't want **that** kind of bonding, either.

Duncan: Sheesh. Fine. (He reaches into his bag and pulls out condom after condom. It goes on for about a minute)

Tyler: Dude, why do you have so many of them?

Duncan: You never know when they might come in handy. (He winks at Gwen, who quickly turns away)

Chris: Yeah… this is getting awkward. So… shoo, campers.

**Confession Cam**

**Courtney: That Duncan! He's so revolting! **

**End of Confessionals**

**Killer Redwoods Cabin (Boys)**

Geoff: Okay, dudes, we may be down a dude, and another dude ran off into the woods because a dude said something he shouldn't have, but I think we can dude together as dudes and dude the rest of the dudes!

Harold: Sorry, but I do not speak "dude" dialect.

Geoff: Dang! I've been spending too much time in my home country! Back there, "dude" dialect is all we speak. (Suddenly, DJ walks in, his eyes red from crying)

Geoff: DJ! Excellent! How you feeling, buddy?

DJ: Animals… Poor animals…

Tyler: Do you ever think he'll be the same again?

Geoff: Well I think Owen needs to apologize.

Tyler: Where** is **Owen? (Suddenly, Owen walks in, with a huge pile of meat in his arms)

Owen: I stole this from Chef's kitchen. Anybody want some? (Seeing the meat, DJ bursts into tears again, and runs out the door of the cabin.)

Geoff: Keep this up, and DJ's gonna commit suicide by the end of the first week!

Owen: What? I was hungry! (He sits down next to Harold, who is, not surprisingly, playing Nintendo DS. He takes out a drumstick, and starts munching it.) Whatcha playing?

Harold: Super Mario Bros. Gah! Owen! You're getting steak sauce all over the screen!

Owen (with his mouth full): Oops. Sorry.

Harold: Now you're getting your spit all over it as well! Have you no respect for my Nintendo DS? This will take gallons of disinfectant! You utter nincompoop! You idiotic lump of lard!

Owen: Well, that's not very nice. (He stuffs a whole T-bone steak in his mouth. Tyler, meanwhile, is examining Geoff's hat, which he has taken off and put on top of his mattress.)

Tyler (poking the hat): Pretty sweet, eh? (He puts it on.) So this is what it feels like to be Geoff!

Geoff: Yeah, that hat means more to me than life itself! I hardly ever take it off, though, only to get showers. Say, do you have any of that shampoo that kills lice? Cause I need some of that. Doctor says my hair is like a mini civilization of the creatures! (Tyler swallows deeply at this statement, and takes off the hat.)

Tyler: I think I'm going to go take a couple hundred showers.

**Confession Cam**

**Tyler (patting at his hair miserably): God, why didn't he **_**tell**_** me that his hair was filled with lice? I would have never put the hat on!**

**Bridgette: Man, my scalp's been itching lately. Maybe it has something to do with the time that I wore Geoff's hat back at the Playa de Losers. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Killer Redwood Cabin (Girls)**

Heather: Man, am I happy that we have a nice sturdy wall separating us from those freaks. That Harold is really starting to creep me out…

Leshawna: Don't you dare talk about my Harold baby that way!

Heather: You can't deny it! We both saw him making out with his Nintendo DS in a corner just a few minutes ago!

Leshawna: He's just going through a phase…

Heather: _Just going through a phase?_ Leshawna, that boy's a freak with a capital F!

Leshawna: Don't you insult my boyfriend like that!

Heather: _Boyfriend?_ The only girlfriend he thinks he has is his video games!

Leshawna: OK, YOU HAVE CROSSED THE LINE! (She tackles Heather onto one of the beds, and a wrestling match ensues.)

Bridgette: God, will you guys ever stop fighting? That's the third time today! (Suddenly, Harold walks in)

Bridgette: Harold! What are you doing here?

Harold: Well, it's just that my catfight sense was tingling and—(He is cut off by Sierra's foot making contact with his groin and sending him flying out the open cabin door.)

Sierra: GET OUT, YOU STUPID BOY!

Bridgette: Don't you think that was a bit much?

Sierra: No, it wasn't! Boys are stupid creatures that deserve to kicked in the groin!

Bridgette: What's making you say that?

Sierra: All they do is break your heart! Like Cody did to mine!

Bridgette: That's not true for all guys. Like, for instance, my Geoff is completely loyal to me.

Sierra: I wouldn't be so sure of that. He seems awfully fond of that hat of his…

Bridgette: That doesn't mean that he's cheating on me! Geez! (Bridgette decides she'll go talk to Katie and Sadie instead, but all she finds in their bed is a squirming, giggling lump under the covers.)

Bridgette: *sigh*… I have a feeling this is going to be a _long_ season.

**Screaming Ivy Cabin (Boys)**

Noah (watching Duncan as he carves a skull into the wall of the cabin): Why do you feel that you have to vandalize something the moment you enter a room?

Duncan: Carving is an art, egghead. Something that takes years of practice to perfect.

Trent: You're a disgusting fool. I find it horrible how many condoms you hid in your bag!

Duncan: Hey, c'mon now, guitar boy! It's better than me _not_ bringing condoms, if ya know what I mean.

Noah: What did you even think you could get away with?

Duncan: Nothing, now that we have this stupid wall separating us from the ladies! (He goes back to carving the skull)

Cody: Well, you've got a knife, and you like to carve. So why don't you carve a peephole? (Duncan thinks about this for a moment, and then grins devilishly.)

Duncan: You, my friend, are an awfully perverted genius.

Cody: I pride myself on my ideas. (They start to carve.)

Alejandro: But this is disrespectful to women!

Duncan: Calm down, pretty boy. We're just having a little fun.

Noah: Can't you guys find something to amuse yourself that doesn't involve women in their underwear? (Little does everybody know that he actually has a copy of the Sports Illustrated bikini issue hidden behind his book)

Justin: I was an underwear model once.

Trent: What does that have to do with anything?

Justin: I dunno. Just adding my input.

Alejandro: I refuse to let this happen! It is not politically correct!

Duncan: You wouldn't be feeling the same way if Heather was in the other room. And what do you care about women? You just use them to get farther into the game!

Alejandro: I have changed. I promise.

**Confession Cam**

**Alejandro: Have I changed? Not one bit. I'm still gonna use whatever means necessary to win, and if that means manipulating every female camper on this island, so be it. My first target? Beth. But I have a feeling that Justin has just the same idea. He seems like a fairly strategic player. He's definitely the most dangerous. Who knows what he's thinking right now?**

**Justin: Hmm… (He thinks for a couple minutes, his mind in deep thought. Then he looks at the camera.) Does my nose look big to you?**

**Alejandro: There's only one way to take out a dangerous and smart player like Justin. Offer him a challenge he can't refuse. **

**End of Confessionals**

Alejandro: So, Justin, I hear you're quite the lady's man. (Justin grins at his gorgeous reflection in his handheld mirror. He doesn't respond.) Uh… Justin?

Justin: What? Oh, sorry, I was just so caught up in my own beauty.

Alejandro: That's okay. So anyway, I hear you're quite the ladies man. (Justin continues to grin at his gorgeous reflection. He doesn't respond.) Justin, can you answer my question?

Justin: What? Oh, sorry, I was just so caught up in my own beauty.

Alejandro: That's fine, I guess. So, as I was saying… (He trails off when he sees Justin looking at himself in the mirror again.)

Alejandro (to himself): It appears I'll have to use a different approach. (He sneers maliciously at the male model) You know, Justin, I don't think you're all that good looking. (This makes Justin snap into reality, and he glares at Alejandro.)

Justin: What part of me isn't perfect? (His eyes narrow, as if daring Alejandro to continue.)

Alejandro: Well, your chin is pretty huge, for one. Did you get extensions?

Justin: No, I was just born that way…

Alejandro: Hm. Just how many ladies have you attracted in your time on Total Drama?

Justin: Well, there was Beth…

Alejandro: But then she stopped liking you.

Justin: And there was Lindsay…

Alejandro: She also stopped liking you.

Justin: And Katie and Sadie liked me at one point, I think…

Alejandro: Face it, Justin! Your only long term lover has been Owen, which isn't exactly something to brag about!

Justin: I could easily attract more women than you!

Alejandro: Would you like to make that a bet?

Justin: You're on!

Alejandro: OK. By the end of the day, the person with the most ladies wrapped around his little finger wins! (Justin nods enthusiastically)

**Confession Cam**

**Alejandro: Well, that went better than expected. If I know one thing about Justin, it's that when he tries to attract ladies, he repels them with his complete narcissism. If the ladies of our team are angry with him… then I can see one major roadblock moved out of the way!**

**?: Chris, I'm here, eh! I'm on the island! What do you think aboot that, eh? And I'm comin' for you Chris! Watch oot, eh!**

**End of Confessionals**

**Screaming Ivy Cabin (Girls)**

Lindsay: Uh, Courtney? Why are we locking Gwen out?

Courtney: Because she's a boyfriend stealer, Lindsay! And she deserves to be punished!

Beth: Don't you think she's already been through enough? You shot at her with a rifle!

Courtney: Only because she's a boyfriend stealer! And who cares if she's been through enough? She's goth! If I were in charge, I would rid the world of all goths!

Gwen (from outside the door): I heard that! Listen, Courtney, I'm sorry. Can't you just give me a break already?

Courtney: NEVER!

Izzy: Hey, I have a fun idea! Let's read her diary!

Gwen: Izzy! Why would you suggest that?

Izzy: I dunno, I've just always wanted to know what's in the dark recesses of your mind. (She rummages through Gwen's stuff, and takes out the diary.)

Courtney: Gimme that. (She snatches it away from Izzy and starts to recite.) _Dear Diary, Today I saw some roadkill in the street. It was really gross, oozing blood and guts. It was so awesome, so I decided to make a sketch of it._ (Courtney grins.) I wonder how Duncan would react if I told him about that?

Gwen: He wouldn't care! He probably _eats_ roadkill! Explains his bad breath!

Courtney: Now _that's_ something I can agree with. (Suddenly, the girls in the cabin hear a scraping noise on the other side of the wall, where the boys' room is.)

Eva: You! What are you punks doing over there? (Chuckles can be heard from the other side of the wall) Answer me!

Duncan: Nothing. Just go back to your little girly talk. Don't mind us.

Cody: Yeah. Don't mind us. (He giggles fiercely, but is cut off by Duncan clamping his hand over his mouth.)

Eva: I'm onto you, whatever you're doing.

Izzy: They're probably building an atomic bomb. It is Noah's hobby, after all. Second only to reading the Sports Illustrated bikini issue, which he hides behind that book he's always reading! (There are tons of laughs on the guy's side.)

Noah: Izzy! Why'd you say that?

Izzy: You _are_ building an atomic bomb? Everybody run! (Suddenly, Chris's voice blares over the loud speaker.)

Chris: Excuse me campers, but would you please report to the mess hall for dinner? And then I'll explain tonight's reward challenge.

Lindsay: What do you think the reward will be?

Beth: I hope it's pig feed! Big Bertha needs her chow!

Eva: Where is that pig, anyway?

Beth: Hmm… you're right! Where is she? (Turning, she sees Big Bertha rolling around on one of the beds, having tracked in mud.) Aww… Big Bertha likes that bed! I hope whoever's sleeping in it doesn't mind. (Meanwhile, Gwen is watching through the window of the cabin.)

Gwen (sighing): That was my bed.

**Mess Hall**

Chris: Welcome, campers, to the mess hall. This is where you will be enjoying our delicious, five star meals that Chef prepares.

Leshawna: I thought you said we were just getting granola bars from the Middle East!

Chef: Close enough. (He starts passing them out.)

Heather (inspecting her granola bar's label in disgust): "Panda Surprise"? What kind of flavors are these?

Chef: The kind that you will eat! Now chow down, skinny bones!

Bridgette: Did you give me "Dolphin Supreme" on purpose?

Chef: Maybe. (DJ looks down at his granola bar, which says "Koala Stomach")

DJ: Excuse me, but do you have any vegetarian options?

Chef: NO! NOW EAT, OR DON'T EAT AT ALL! (One by one, every camper gets a granola bar. Most just feed theirs to Owen, but some, like Izzy, choose to eat their granola bar, for an "adventure".)

Chris: Now that that's out of the way, it's time to explain your reward challenge. I've been sensing the tensions going on between the campers…

Gwen: You have no idea.

Chris… So I thought that tonight's reward and immunity challenges could be all about team-building activities!

Noah: Real exciting. What's the first one going to be? The "name game"?

Chris: Nope. Something much better.

Harold: Nintendo DS?

Chris: No!

Beth: Then what?

Chris: Get your kissing lips ready, cause tonight, to ease the tensions between you guys, we're gonna have you make out with another camper!

**Who will have to pair up in this insane challenge?**

**What conflicts will resolve, and which one's will heat up to the maximum?**

**And who is the mysterious camper hiding on the island? (But you probably know, based on the accent)**

**Find out on the next episode of **

**Total Drama Returns!**


	3. Day 1 Part 3: Makeout Fakeout

**Total Drama Returns**

**The Cheesebub's Message: In case you're wondering, Day 1 will be split into 4 or 5 parts. After that, the most parts a day will have is three, but this is the exposition, so it takes a little longer. This chapter is not exactly what you would call "romantic", but there are a few hints at new couples, including HaroldxNintendoDS. Note: This episode also refers to the episode "Hawaiian Style", in which Geoff calls Bridgette his "granola goddess". I thought it was one of the most bizarre lines ever spoken on the show, so I just knew I had to put it in my fanfiction somehow. And yes, there is some mature content. But only a little. This chapter is also extremely long, at least, much longer than the previous ones. **

**Day 1 Part 3—Chapter 3: Make-out Fake-out**

Chris: Get your kissing lips ready, cause tonight, to ease the tensions between you guys, we're gonna have you make out with another camper!

Geoff: That doesn't sound too bad. (He winks at Bridgette)

Eva: WHAT? YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS!

Chris: Oh, but I am. May I introduce to you…The Total Drama Make-out Booth 500! (The curtains draw away, revealing a run-down old booth with bugs crawling around on it.)

Heather: Uh… Chris? That isn't even a Make-out Booth! That's a Porta Potty!

Chris: What's wrong? You don't like Porta Potties?

Heather: Well, could you at least _try_ to make it look authentic?

Chris: We're on a tight budget here! Sheesh! If it makes you any happier, I'll add a little something. Oh, Chef! (Chef walks in with a pile of Christmas lights, and throws them on the Porta Potty.)

Chris: Happy?

Heather: Not really.

Chris: Some girls can just never be satisfied. Anyways, each of you, with another camper from your team, hopefully the opposite gender, will go into the make-out booth, and well… make out. Then Chef and I, using hidden cameras in the booth, will rate your make-out session from 1 to 10, taking into account all good make-out aspects, such as length, loudness, and effort on both sides.

Geoff: What about head position, velocity, and wetness?

Chris: Yes, Geoff, all of those will also be accounted for.

Tyler: How do you know so much about making out?

Geoff: Years of experience.

Bridgette: _Years_ of experience?

Geoff: Yeah, some got pretty intense—(He stops when he realizes this is Bridgette he's talking to) But I mean, _none_ of them were as good as ours!

Bridgette (sarcastically): Yeah, sure.

Chris: OK, now it's time to pair up. (Several eyes meet from across the room. Geoff grins slyly at Bridgette. Duncan grins slyly at Gwen. Leshawna grins slyly at Harold. Harold grins slyly at his Nintendo DS.)

Chris: Woah! Oh no! No no no no no no no!

Leshawna: What's wrong, fool?

Chris: You think I'm actually gonna let you pick your partners? No way!

Katie: How else are you going to pick it?

Chris: In the theme of "opposites attract", of course! We're gonna pair you up with a team member that's least like you in the most ways. (Cody and Noah swallow nervously and glance at Eva.)

Courtney: What if you refuse to make out with whoever you're paired up with?

Chris: Any couple that refuses to make out will instantly lose the challenge for their team. And let me tell you, the reward's awesome this time.

Tyler: But there are more girls than boys on our team! How will that work?

Chris: Oh, you'll see, Tyler. But first, it's time to pair you suckers up! We'll start with the Killer Redwoods. The first couple is… the spoiled rich brat and the morbidly obese jolly ball of lard!

Heather: No. You can't mean…

Chris: That's right! Heather and Owen!

Heather: NOOO! You can't do this to me! I'll sink into his flab! He'll accidentally swallow me!

Chris: Sorry, but the decision's final.

Owen: Aw, Heather, cheer up! It might be fun! (He starts lumbering towards her, his arms outstretched) I think you just need a hug.

Heather: Don't touch me! Sorry Chris, but I refuse to do this. And knowing your cheap rewards, I think this is a challenge we can afford to lose.

Leshawna: No way, sister! I don't care what the reward is, but you aint backin' down and causin' all of us the loss!

Heather: But it's revolting! It's nauseating! It's—

Chris: Gonna happen right now! (He shoves Owen into her, and the two go flying through the open door of the make-out booth. He shuts the door behind them.)

Heather (pounding her fists against the wall from the inside): Help! Get me out! Owen's already stinking up the place!

Chris: Just one measly kiss, and I'll let you out. Although it probably won't score you many points with your team… (Before Heather can protest, Owen grabs her head and pulls her into a kiss. It doesn't last long though, because Heather knees Owen in the groin, making him burp right into her mouth. Heather then falls onto the floor of the Porta Potty, convulsing and vomiting.)

**Confession Cam**

**Owen (chugging a bottle of something): Hmm… this mouthwash hasn't seemed to be working. (He reads the label) Oops! This is Chef's anchovy paste! I hope Heather isn't too mad at me. **

**Heather: I'm so gonna **** the ****** of that Owen until he **** **** ****** ***! What a *****!**

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: Let's see what Owen and Heather got! (A meager 3 flashes onto the screen)… Not much. I'm actually surprised they got even that. Then again, they did have some good velocity. And the vomiting at the end was a nice touch. (He opens the door to the booth, and out tumbles Heather, her skin pale. Owen walks out after her, grinning smugly.)

Noah: You sure know how to charm the ladies, Owen.

Owen: She must have passed out with excitement. (He picks up Heather's body/corpse and slings it over his shoulder.) I think I'm gonna go take her back to the cabin. Calm her down. (He stuffs her in his shirt, and walks off.)

Sierra: Excuse me, Chris? I don't think I can do this.

Chris: Why not, freaky fangirl?

Sierra: Because I'll probably catch some horrible disease just by making contact with the lower, grimy species we call "men".

Duncan: Since when did you become a feminist? You used to practically imprint yourself on Cody whenever he was in a room!

Sierra: I did, but then a certain _somebody _broke my heart! And now, I will make sure that all males are exterminated!

Trent: Don't you think that's a little extreme?

Sierra: Not at all! All guys care about is staring at the boobs of some stupid bimbo, like Lindsay!

Geoff (nudging Tyler): Are you gonna let her say that about your girlfriend?

Tyler (not paying attention): What? (He is too busy staring at Lindsay's boobs)

Sierra: See what I mean? If I had it my way, men would be enslaved and tortured, treated like dirt!

Chris: I assume now would be the perfect time to announce Sierra's unlucky male partner. DJ! (DJ's eyes widen in fear.)

Sierra (turning to DJ): You! A man! You will suffer! (She starts to charge)

DJ: Please! I'm innocent! Spare me, lord! Don't let my momma see this! (Sierra then tackles him into the make-out booth. All the campers listen in disgust as DJ's screams are drowned out by Sierra's battle cries as she rips him to shreds. After a while, a "6" flashes onto the screen.)

Chris: While that _was_ more of a fight, it was still pretty entertaining. And it seems that Chef enjoys the gore as well! Mad props to DJ, for sticking it out to the very end. (Sierra walks out of the booth, dusting her hands off. DJ follows slowly after her, covered in cuts and bruises.)

DJ: Momma… momma…

Sierra: The first victim on my long list of male enemies. (All the guys stare at her and swallow nervously.)

Geoff: Hey, why don't you just chill out? (Sierra responds by hurling a table at him. It hits Geoff right in the torso, sending him flying back and smashing him into the wall.)

Sierra: DON'T TALK, BOY SCUM!

**Confession Cam**

**Sierra: I will see to it that no male camper wins this season. They all deserve to be fed through shredders and then thrown off cliffs!**

**DJ: What did I ever do to deserve this?**

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: This next couple I think I'm gonna enjoy. Or should I say… trio.

Sadie: What do you mean by that?

Chris: Well, since your team has an extra girl, I thought this way would work out extra well. Tyler, you're getting paired up with both Katie _and _Sadie!

Katie and Sadie: Eeeee!

Katie: I can't believe it, Sadie! It's always been our dream to date a jock!

Sadie: I know! It's going to be so exciting!

Tyler: But I can't do this! It would be unfaithful to my Lindsay! She's never been unfaithful to me, so I will never be unfaithful to her! (He doesn't even notice that Lindsay is swooning over Alejandro as he speaks.)

Chris: If you give up, you lose the challenge for your team. (Tyler thinks for a moment, and then sighs.)

Tyler: I'll do it. C'mon, girls. (All three of them walk into the booth, and Tyler shuts the door. He looks at the two of them uncertainly.)

Tyler: So how exactly are we going to do this? Maybe if you both come at me at an angle like this…

Katie: Eeeeeeee! This is so exciting! We're in a cramped space with a jock!

Sadie: I know! I dreamed about this for years!

Tyler: That's all really wonderful, ladies, but, don't you think we should just make out and get it over with?

Katie: OMG, I need to text all my friends!

Sadie: But your only friend is me, Katie!

Katie: Then how about I text you, and you text me?

Sadie: Great idea! (They text each other) 

Katie: Hey, wait a minute… you said you were about to make out with a jock, but that's exactly what I was going to do!

Sadie: That's what you said, too! (They both turn to Tyler)

Katie: Well, who are you going to make out with?

Tyler: Both of you!

Sadie: You can't do that. That's tacky!

Katie: So who are you going to pick?

Tyler: Er…. I can't decide.

Katie and Sadie: Well you have to decide! You just have to! (They both start tugging on his arms.)

Tyler: I don't know! I don't know! I don't know! (Suddenly, the two BFF's turn on each other.)

Katie: Why are you trying to steal my man from me?

Sadie: You're trying to steal my man from me! (They both suddenly tackle him.)

Katie: He's mine, I tell you, mine!

Sadie: No, he's mine! (They both start to kiss the jock all over the face, slapping at each other as they do so.)

Tyler: Help! I can't breathe! (Meanwhile, a "5" flashes onto the screen.)

Chris: A good score for someone having to deal with two crazy chicks.

**Confession Cam**

**Katie and Sadie: OMG, that was so much fun!**

**Tyler: Besides the fact that Sadie must way at least two-hundred pounds and I'm still trying to wash Katie's lipstick out of my mouth, it wasn't that bad of a kiss. (He pauses for a moment) Oh, who am I kidding? Chris, do you have something against me or something?**

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: Three exciting couples! But the fun's just getting started! Killer Redwoods, so far you have racked up 14 out of a possible 30 points. In other words, an "F" in kissing expertise. Can this next couple pull things together for this team? I seriously doubt it. But anyways, please welcome Bridgette the Surfer Gal and her partner, the Nintendo DS-obsessed Harold!

Bridgette: You cannot be serious.

Leshawna: Don't worry, gal, he's a pretty sweet kisser.

Bridgette: *sigh* I guess I'll survive. (Harold, on the other hand, is not so willing.)

Harold: Chris, this is outrageous! Why would you pair me up with her? I am a one Nintendo DS sort of guy!

Geoff: You're lucky! I wish I was with my granola goddess!

Cody: I've never understood why you call her that.

Geoff: I don't know. Blame the idiots that wrote the script for Season 3.

Chris: Hey! Iwrote the script for Season 3! Anyways, Harold, are you gonna back down?

Harold: No, I'll do it. But will someone cover Georgina's eyes?

Justin: You've named your Nintendo DS?

Courtney: Please don't tell me you actually think your Nintendo DS is alive!

Harold: Oh yes, we've had some very interesting conversations.

Bridgette: Can we just get this over with already?

Harold: Yes, lets. The minutes I spend apart from my beloved Georgina really take their toll on me. (Harold and Bridgette enter the booth. Meanwhile, Chris observes them making out on camera.)

Chris: Hmm… good posture, nice and moist… ooh! Excellent finish! Harold and Bridgette earn a solid "7"! (The door to the make-out booth slams open, and Harold runs out and grabs his Nintendo DS, then starts making out with it.)

Harold: It has been too long sense we were separated! I missed you!

Chris: Man, if you had kissed like that in there, you would've gotten a full "10"! (Bridgette gets out and shrugs.)

Bridgette: It wasn't as completely traumatizing as I thought it would be.

Leshawna: Hey, don't you be getting any ideas about my man.

Harold: Oh, yes. Speaking of which, Leshawna, I have a formal declaration to make.

Leshawna: And what might that be?

Harold: I am afraid that our relationship must end. I have found a new passion, and her name is Georgina. And she is the love of my life!

Katie and Sadie: Awwww…..

Leshawna: Ex-cu-use me? I didn't quite hear you.

Harold: I said, I am afraid that our relationship must end. I have found a new passion, and her name is Georgina. And she is the love of my life!

Leshawna: Repeat that one more time for me?

Harold: I am afraid that our relationship must end. I have found a new passion, and her name is Georgina. And she is the love of my life!

Gwen: OK, I think we've all heard what Harold has to say now! Can we get on with the show?

Leshawna: Wait a minute. _You're _breaking up with _me_? That aint how it works, brother!

Harold: You've been controlling my life since day 1, Leshawna! I think I should be able to make my own decisions now!

Leshawna: You've been droolin' over my lusciousness for the entire show! And you just think you can walk away now? Wait a minute… where'd he go?

Beth: He just walked away.

Leshawna: That Harold! If he thinks he can just be sucked into his Nintendo DS all the time, he has a whole 'nother thing comin'!

Chris: Maybe this will cheer you up, Leshawna. As a consolation for your messy breakup with Harold, for this make-out challenge, you get to be paired up with the make-out king himself, the one, the only… Geoff!

Geoff: Rad. Leshawna, you ready?

Leshawna: Sure thing, sugar baby.

Geoff: Sweet. (The two step into the booth. Then Geoff shuts the door. And locks it. Bridgette watches all this a little nervously.)

**Confession Cam**

**Bridgette: If there was one thing I was just a tad bit worried about, it was Geoff going overboard on the whole "make-out" thing. It would be humiliating for my boyfriend to spend more than twenty seconds making out with another girl!**

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: A full fifteen minutes has passed, and Geoff and Leshawna are still going at it strong.

Bridgette: Heh… I'm sure that they've been taking breaks, right?

Chris: Nope. Not even for air.

Sierra (whispering into Bridgette's ear): This is why we do not trust boys.

Bridgette: Oh, I'm sure Geoff isn't meaning to do what he's doing. He just gets a little "carried away", that's all!

Duncan: Yeah, if getting carried away means sharing a gallon-full of saliva with another girl.

Bridgette: Oh, shut it, Duncan! (The door finally bursts open, and a huge cloud of steam shoots out. The figures of Geoff and Leshawna appear. As the fog clears away, it reveals that both of them have stripped all the way down to their underwear. Bridgette gasps in shock when she sees this. A "10" flashes onto the screen.)

Chris: Excellent work, you two. Couples of the world would be proud.

Geoff: Well, it _did _get pretty hot.

Leshawna: Whew, Bridgette, you are one lucky gal. (She then notices that Bridgette has run out of the room, tears streaming down her face)

Geoff: So, where's my granola goddess?

Chris: Seriously, dude, even _I_ am asking for you to stop calling her that.

Geoff: OK, but seriously, where's my bran flake babe?

Chris: Yeah… don't use that one, either.

Geoff: How about my Honey Bunches of Oats Hottie?

Chris: No!

Geoff: My Gluten-free Cheerios girl?

Chris: Dude! What is up with you and cereal?

Geoff: I like the stuff! But seriously, where's Bridgette?

Lindsay: And where did Alfred go? (Suddenly, Alejandro walks in.)

Duncan: Where were you, pretty boy?

Alejandro: Heh heh… nowhere. (He walks over to Justin and whispers in his ear) That's one girl I've got wrapped around my finger.

Justin: What'd you do?

Alejandro: Just simple manipulating.

Chris: OK, while Geoff searches for Bridgette, I'll rack up the points the Killer Redwoods earned. And it seems that they got a 31 out of 50! A D- in kissing, but hey, I have feeling the Screaming Ivy will have a hard time beating that.

Courtney (pulling the Screaming Ivies into a huddle): OK, guys, no one better back down now! We are not going to lose to those idiots!

Duncan: Whatever you say, princess.

Courtney: Shut up, punk! Don't talk to me!

Gwen: Hey! Don't insult my boyfriend like that!

Courtney: You don't get to talk, either, boyfriend stealer!

Chris: Okay, kids, settle down. Gwen, you ready to hit the booth?

Gwen: Not really.

Chris: Too bad! Because you get to be with the super hot fashion model himself, Justin!

Justin: What? I can't kiss her! I'll lose my perfectly tan complexion!

Gwen: And my brain might shrink just by touching him!

Justin: Don't worry, it's plenty small enough.

Alejandro (whispering in Justin's ear): Remember our little bet. (Justin then grins a perfect smile at Gwen.)

Justin (wrapping his arm around Gwen): But alas, I am sure that my great beauty will be enough for the both of us. (In response, Gwen pushes him over.)

Gwen: Don't touch me.

Justin: Gah! I have just bruised my perfect, gigantic chin! Aughhh! No modeling agencies will hire me now!

Gwen: Get over yourself, bub. (She steps into the booth. Justin follows after her, rubbing his chin sadly. It's just a couple of seconds before the door bursts open, and Justin runs out, screaming.

Justin: My perfect lips! My perfect lips! She got her disgusting green lipstick all over my perfect lips! Can this day get any worse?

Gwen: Man, what a jerk. (Alejandro grins at this.)

**Confession Cam**

**Alejandro: Justin's doing his job too well. Already, he's got Gwen completely angry with him. And soon, all the girls will hate him! And then we can say bye-bye Justin at the next vote. **

**Justin: OK, I think that might not have helped me in my competition with Alejandro. But hey, I bet I can get Beth just like that! (He pauses for a moment) Does Owen count for one, just in case?**

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: A truly pathetic performance by Gwen and Justin. They get a "2".

Gwen: It's not my fault he's a completely vain and selfish idiot!

Justin: Whoa. Don't need to be so hurtful.

Chris: Hopefully, the next duo can do _something_ remotely like kissing. This one's a fan favorite. The boring braniac bookworm with the psycho freak from planet Mars! Noah and Izzy! Or should I say "Nizzy".

Izzy: Sweet! I get to be with Noah!

Noah (sarcastically): Woohoo. I've been waiting for this all season.

Izzy: Actually, you've been waiting for the next issue of Playboy to come out! I've seen you writing the subscription! (Everybody laughs at this)

Noah: Izzy! Why do you have to keep bringing these things up?

Izzy: Sorry. Say, have you had any of those breath mints you always pop in your mouth whenever Bridgette's around? (Everybody bursts out laughing at this as well.)

Cody: Dude, you like _Bridgette_?

Noah: Ugghhh… let's just get in the booth before she says anything more embarrassing about me!

_**Meanwhile…**_

(A hooded figure starts banging on the door of Chris's trailer. Chef opens it.)

Chef: Yeah, whaddaya want, weirdo? Hey wait a minute! A know you! You're—(Before he can say anything more, the figure shoots a tranquilizer dart into his neck. Chef drops the delicious cheese soufflé he was eating and falls to the ground. The figure walks past him and into the trailer. He shuts off the TV, which is blaring Oprah. He walks into Chris's bedroom, and smiles.)

?: This is too easy, eh. (He opens a drawer, and finds a notebook titled "Chris's Diary". He flips through it, and his grin grows even wider.) Prepare for a coomback, Chris! A little thing called vengeance, eh!

**Back at Camp**

Noah (running out of the booth): Gah! Sheth bit myth tongueth liketh, 20 timesth!

Izzy: Woohoohoo! That was fun! C'mon, Noah, it's what me and Owen used to do all the time.

Noah (spitting out blood): I understandth whyth heth broketh upth with youth.

Chris: Hmm… biting someone's tongue until it's just a disfigured, bloody, shredded, unrecognizable hunk of meat isn't exactly making out… but hey! It's close enough! Izzy and Noah get an "8" on the make-out meter!

Noah: Aren'th youth goingth toth bandageth myth tongueth orth somethingth? I might neverth be ableth to talkth againth!

Leshawna: Good. Then we might not have to listen to your snide remarks all the time!

Chris: Don't worry, Noah, our medical team will be here any day to fix you up.

Noah: Any _day_? Christh, I'm lispingth liketh Beth!

Beth: Hey! I don't lisp like that any more!

Chris: What? They stopped in Barbados on the way over! Doctors gotta have a vacation, too! Frankly, I'd like to be joining them.

Izzy: Aw, poor Noah.

Noah: Thisth isth allth yourth fault, you knowth! You just hadth toth—(He is cut off by Izzy pulling him into a kiss. His eyes glaze over. When Izzy finally pulls away, her lips are covered in blood.)

All the campers: Eww…

Izzy: Better?

Noah: I thinkth soth…

**Confession Cam**

**Noah: Wowth. Izzyth sureth knowsth howth toth kissth. That wasth amazingth! (He pauses for a moment, and then realizes what he said.) Umm, I meanth, it wasth okayth, I guessth. (He goes back to reading his book, but a smile plays at his lips.)**

**End of Confessionals**

_**Meanwhile…**_

(A hooded figure is running through the woods. Behind him, Chef is yelling and panting as he follows.)

Chef: I'll catch you, Ezekiel! You get back here!

Ezekiel: Says you and what army? You'll never catch me! Never!

Chef: Give me Chris's diary back! And then no one gets hurt.

Ezekiel: No way! Now I gotta run! Bye-bye, eh! (He runs off the trail and into the deeper part of the woods. Chef stops at where the trees get thick and sighs.)

Chef: I'll catch you, homeschool, if it's the last thing I do!

**Back at Camp **

Chris: Who's ready to hear the next pairing? This one, I think we'll all enjoy. Cody…

Cody: Is it Gwen? Is it Gwen?

Trent: Gwen's already been up, doofus!

Chris: ... and Eva!

Eva: NO! I REFUSE TO BE PAIRED UP WITH THAT WIMP! (Cody just grins slyly at this and strides towards her.)

Cody: Babe, c'mon! It'll be fun! (Eva grabs him by the neck and lifts him off the ground.)

Eva: Fine. But don't get any funny ideas, nerdling. And I get to decide how we do it.

Cody: Lady wants to be in charge. I can deal with that.

Chris: OK, guys, you can go on in. We're kinda on a tight schedule here, so hurry it up, will you? (Eva stomps in, but not before kicking Chris in shin.)

**Confession Cam**

**Cody: Yeah, I was pretty psyched about being in an enclosed space with a girl. I didn't care if it was Eva, or anybody else. Speaking of which, I think I just might be able to reach second base. (He wiggles his eyebrows.)**

**Eva: That dork better not even **_**try**_ **reach second base with me! I'll tear him from limb to limb if he does! **

**End of Confessionals**

Cody (shutting the door behind him): So, Eva, have I ever told you how great you look?

Eva: Shut up and make out.

Cody: Lady wants to move right along. Sweet. (They start to make out. As they do so, Cody slowly reaches his hand downwards. Eva notices this, and, in a fit of rage, punches him in the face.)

Cody: Hey! That wasn't very nice!

Eva: I'm not nice to complete perverts like yourself! (Picking him up, he stuffs him in the toilet, and walks out.)

Chris: Not bad making out, you two. An honest "5" is at hand. But where's Cody?

Eva: He got what he deserves. He tried to touch my butt!

Chris: That Cody, the sly dog. He reminds me of myself at a young age. Now the next couple is Lindsay and Duncan!

Tyler: No! Why would you pair her up with him? The guys a dickweed with a capital, uh… H!

Chris: Seriously, Tyler, work on your spelling. And it makes perfect sense. Tough as bones ex-con with the ditsy blonde? Recipe for hilarity! Duncan's a lucky man, really. Lindsay's a hot girl.

Trent: Chris! How could you say that about someone twenty years younger than you?

Chris: Hey, I'm a perv. Deal with it.

Lindsay: Aww… don't worry Taylor, me and David won't get too serious, right, David?

Duncan (staring at Lindsay's boobs): What? Oh, yeah. Sure thing. (As the two make their way towards the make-out booth, Gwen taps Duncan on the shoulder.)

Gwen: Seriously, Duncan, don't get too carried away. I don't want us to end up like Geoff and Bridgette.

Duncan: Hey, don't worry, Gwen. Your pasty face is the only one I want to see.

Gwen: Gee, thanks. (The two start to lean in for a kiss. Before they can, though, Trent pops up between them.)

Trent: But then again, if you really want to go all the way with Lindsay, causing Gwen to break up with you, that's okay! Because maybe that's how it was just meant to be, you guys separated and Gwen with another man, one that respects her and treats her like the wonderful lady she is, not some possession to show off!

Duncan: Umm… OK. (He and Lindsay enter the Porta Potty. They don't notice Cody, who is still stuffed in the toilet. They start to lean in to kiss.)

Tyler: No! I can't let him do that to my Lindsay! (He notices that the door is open just a crack, and he can see the tip of Duncan's green Mohawk poking out. Suddenly, he gets an idea. Taking his red hair band off his head, he holds it back like a slingshot and loads a pebble into it.)

Tyler: I've only got one shot. (He aims and prepares to fire.)

DJ: Dude, what are you doing? You could get in some serious trouble!

Tyler: DJ, I've gotta do this. Save my Lindsay from falling for that freak. (He spends just a moment aiming, and fires. The pebble goes whizzing through the air, and hits Duncan in the back of the head. The punk wobbles for a second, and then falls backward, onto the floor of the mess hall. Lindsay steps out, confused.)

Lindsay: Did we win?

Tyler: Lindsay! (He runs towards her and hugs her, like it's been years since the last time they met.)

Lindsay: Oh, hi, Timothy, have you seen Tyler around lately?

Tyler: I am Tyler!

Lindsay: Are you sure? Because I remember him being a lot buffer than you. (Tyler slaps his hand to his forehead and groans.

Chris: Well, Lindsay and Duncan never actually kissed, but I guess if you fall unconscious, it doesn't count. So right now, the Screaming Ivies have a 15 out 30 in kissing score. They're doing better than the Killer Redwoods were, but will they be able to win? After all, the Killer Redwoods still have Geoff and Leshawna's perfect "10"!

Alejandro: I am sure we will be able to pull ahead. After all, we have such beautiful ladies on our team. (He winks at Beth, who blushes fiercely.)

Chris: Alrighty then, you guys ready for some more make-out action? Let's see what the sexy latino and the nerdy wannabe can accomplish!

Alejandro: Does that mean I get to be with Beth? Awesome! (He turns to Beth, passion in his eyes) I have waited for this moment far too long.

Beth: You mean… you wanted to be with me all along?

Alejandro: Well, who wouldn't be attracted to those wonderful bushy eyebrows and dotted eyes?

Beth: Heehee… You're nice.

Chris: Enough with the mushy talk! Let's get this show on the road!

Alejandro: Shall we? (He extends his hand to Beth.)

Beth (giggling): We shall.

**Confession Cam**

**Alejandro: This is all working out too well. I will easily get Beth around my little finger. Bridgette was a piece of cake. And I'll prove to Justin who the real lady's man is! **

**End of Confessionals**

_**Meanwhile…**_

(Geoff is running though the forest, calling out Bridgette's name.)

Geoff: Bridgette? Bridgette? Where are you, my granola goddess? (He pauses for a moment.) Yeah, that really is a bad pet name. (He slows down to a walking pace.)

Geoff: It's OK to come out now, Bridgette. I'm not gonna hurt you. I just wanna talk. (Suddenly, he steps on something. He picks it up, and inspects it.) Hmm… a toque. Who wears a toque? Wait a minute… How could _he_ have been here? (He picks it up, and puts it in his pocket. Suddenly, he hears a soft sniffling. He follows the sound to a large oak tree. There, Bridgette is leaning against it, crying. She looks up when he comes close.

Bridgette: Yeah? What do you want?

Geoff: I just want to talk.

Bridgette: Talk about what? How wonderful Leshawna was at kissing?

Geoff: Nope. And she was kinda bad.

Bridgette: Then why did you guys strip down to your underwear?

Geoff: It was in the heat of the moment, Bridge! Trust me, you're the only girl that could make me strip _out_ of my underwear!

Bridgette: Gee, thanks.

Geoff: Now tell me what's been bothering you.

Bridgette: You cannot be serious.

Geoff: What?

Bridgette: Geoff… _you've_ been bothering me! You think you can just make out with any girl for fifteen minutes and get away with it!

Geoff: What if I told you that you were my granola goddess?

Bridgette: What does that have to do with anything?

Geoff: I dunno.

Bridgette: Geoff, I think we should break up.

Geoff: What? No! Why?

Bridgette: I just think it's time.

Geoff: We can't do that! Think about it, Bridgette! We're the only couple left that's stayed unchanged since Day 1 of Total Drama Island! Through all the bad times, we've stuck together!

Bridgette: I just don't know. See, me and Alejandro…

Geoff: Shush. I don't even need to know what he said. That's how faithful I am in you.

Bridgette: You really think we should stay together?

Geoff: Definetely. (The two then start making out. After a while, Bridgette pulls away.)

Bridgette: OK, we've made up. But stop calling me granola goddess. Or otherwise, I might break up with you for real.

Geoff: Anything you say, granola—I mean, Bridgette.

**Back at Camp**

Chris: A perfect make-out session by Alejandro and Beth! That's a "10" for the Screaming Ivy! (Alejandro comes out of the booth, carrying Beth in his arms.)

Beth: I think I'm in love. (Alejandro winks at Justin and mouths the word "two". Justin scowls. Then he gets an idea. He walks over to Eva and wraps his arm around her.)

Justin: Say you busy tonigh— (Before he can finish, Eva hurls him across the room.)

Eva: Get away from me, moron.

Chris: That's a 25 out of 40 so far for the Ivies. The next couple just needs to get a "7" to win the competition for their team! Can Courtney and Trent pull it off?

Courtney: As much as I loathe the idea of kissing _him_, I'll do it for my team. But it better be a good reward.

Chris: Oh, it is, trust me.

Trent: Gwen, you won't mind if I do this, will you?

Gwen: What do I care?

Trent: Well I was once your man. Do you really want to see me kissing your enemy?

Duncan: Just do it, Trent! Let's get this challenge over with! (Courtney and Trent step into the Porta Potty and shut the door. The door slams open again just a couple seconds later, and Cody goes flying out. Then it shuts again.)

Courtney: Listen, Trent, I've been thinking. We should start an alliance. Together, we could vote Duncan and Gwen off!

Trent: I wouldn't mind getting rid of Duncan, but Gwen, oh, I could never.

Courtney: Why? She rejected you on national TV!

Trent: Listen, I don't want to be part of any alliance that involves voting Gwen off.

Courtney: Fine. Your loss. We might as well do the challenge then.

Trent: So… how long should we kiss? Nine seconds?

Courtney: Still got that stupid number 9 obsession?

Trent: It's not an obsession. It's just for good luck. So, how about we kiss nine times?

Courtney: Seriously. You're freaking me out.

Trent: Should we start our lips nine inches apart and move inwards?

Courtney: Trent…

Trent: And we could wait nine seconds between each kiss.

Courtney: Trent!

Trent: Wait! I've got it! We'll kiss nine times, for nine seconds each, and we'll start each kiss nine inches apart, and between each kiss we'll wait nine seconds!

Courtney: That's it! I can't take it! (She bursts open the Porta-Potty's door and jumps out.) Chris, I refuse to do this challenge. That guy's just too crazy!

Gwen: Are you serious? You're actually going to lose the challenge for our team? Some of us had to kiss people a lot worse than Trent!

Trent: So you think I'm not the worst to be paired up with?

Gwen: Well, you're better than Cody.

Cody: Hey!

Courtney: He was going all insane with his number 9 obsession. Before too long, he would've suggested flushing the toilet nine times before we started!

Trent: Hey! How'd you know?

Chris: Are you sure you want to refuse? It will cost your team the win.

Courtney: I don't care.

**Confession Cam**

**Trent: Aw, I feel like an idiot! My stupid number 9 obsession cost us the win! But did you hear Gwen? She said I wasn't the worst boy on the team! That's one step closer to victory!**

**Courtney: Do I feel bad about losing the challenge for my team? Not at all. I was planning on throwing the challenge anyway. Trent's number 9 obsession just gave me another reason. **

**Gwen: Okay, Courtney is really getting on my last nerve. Holding that boyfriend stealer thing above my head is getting really old. And refusing to kiss Trent? She's just so cruel!**

**Cody: Gwen likes **_**Trent**_** more than she likes **_**me**_**? How could that be? I'm her dream man! I'm strong, handsome, smart… seriously! Why can't see these things about me? (He tries to get up, but finds that his butt is stuck in the toilet.) Augh, not again! (Eva walks in to do her confessional. She notices Cody stuck in toilet.)**

**Eva: At it again, are you, you little pervert! (She scoops him up and throws him out of the confessional. Then she grins) Wow. He must really like me. **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: Due to Courtney refusing to kiss Trent, the Killer Redwoods win! (The Killer Redwoods all cheer wildly. While this is happening, Geoff and Bridgette walk in.)

Leshawna: So you two made up?

Geoff: Yeah, totally. Me and my granola—er, I mean, Bridgette, are totally trusting each other from now on.

**Confession Cam **

**Bridgette: Am I gonna be totally trusting Geoff? No, not at all. I still have my eye on him…**

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: I bet you guys can't wait to find out what your reward is.

Owen: Is it food?

Tyler: Is it new sports equipment?

Bridgette: Is it our own surfboards?

Leshawna: Is it a one week vacation to the resort of our choice?

DJ: Is it our own pet bunnies?

Geoff: Is it a party? Or cereal? Or a party with cereal?

Sierra: Is it an ax? I've been wanting one of those. (She eyes Cody, who swallows nervously.)

Katie and Sadie: Is it beauty products?

Harold: Is it a new cartridge for my Nintendo DS?

Heather: Is it a repellent that can save us from big, fat, stinking obese giants who go by the name of Owen?

Chris: Nope. In the theme of today's reward challenge, you guys all get kisses! From Chef. (Everybody groans.)

Chris: What? You don't like Chef?

Courtney: Ha! I knew the reward would be horrible!

Duncan: That still doesn't change the fact that you lost this challenge for our team. (Suddenly, Chris's cell phone rings. He answers it.)

Chris: This is Chris Mclean… Yeah… Uh huh… OK… OK, I'll tell them… yes… OK… bye. (He turns to the campers.) It seems that Chef is busy chasing an intruder on the island. So you're all safe. (His eyes narrow) For tonight. (All the Killer Redwoods let out sighs of relied.

Beth: But Chris! Who's the intruder? What if he's dangerous?

Chris: Who knows? Who cares? Gets rid of another mouth to feed.

Duncan: And the only guy who feeds them!

Chris: Whatever. You ready for your immunity challenge.

Noah: Sureth. Asth longth asth it doesn't involveth PDA's ofth any kind.

Courtney: But I like my PDA!

Chris: He means "Public Displays of Affection". And no. This immunity challenge is all about trust. (His eyes narrow) And trust, is a two way street.

Heather: Hey! That's what I said!

Chris: Well, I like the quote. Anyways, you'll be guiding a blindfolded partner through a dangerous obstacle course, where many instances can result in death. The blindfolded of the two has to trust the leader completely that they won't lead them somewhere… well, deadly.

Courtney: Sorry, Chris, but I don't trust anyone on my team.

Chris: That's good. Because I've already got your name down as one of the guiders.

Gwen: And just who might she be guiding?

Chris: That's a good question, Gwen. And the answer is…. you!

**Will Courtney guide Gwen to death?**

**Will Noah's tongue ever heal?**

**Will Bridgette and Geoff's relationship crumble?**

**Who will the other pairs be? **

**And what might Ezekiel do with Chris's diary?**

**Maybe half of these questions answered in the next nail-biting episode of**

**Total Drama Returns! **


	4. Day 1 Part 4: Deadly Trust

**Total Drama Returns**

The Cheesebub's Message: Sorry about such the late update, but this chapter is really long, so it took a while to write. I hope you enjoy it! Warning: Harold has a _really _long monologue about how a Nintendo DS works. Don't bother reading it; it's way too small a font, anyways. There's also a lot of swearitude this chapter.

**Day 1 Part 4 -Chapter 4: Deadly Trust**

Chris: You'll be guiding a blindfolded partner through a dangerous obstacle course, where many instances can result in death. The blindfolded of the two has to trust the leader completely that they won't lead them somewhere… well, deadly.

Courtney: Sorry, Chris, but I don't trust anyone on my team.

Chris: That's good. Because I've already got your name down as one of the guiders.

Gwen: And just who might she be guiding?

Chris: That's a good question, Gwen. And the answer is…. you!

Courtney: WHAT? Why would you pair me up with that boyfriend stealer?

Gwen: You shouldn't be the one worrying! I'm gonna be the one blindfolded! Chris, who knows what she might try to do to me? I could die because of her!

Chris: Always worried about death, and nothing else. What about ratings? Ever thought about that? If this show doesn't get the proper ratings it needs, we could get canceled!

Duncan: And then we wouldn't have to do this anymore? We'd be free of all the tortuous challenges, disgusting food, and prissy brunette girls you put us through?

Courtney: Hey!

Chris: Exactly! That's why we need to keep this show running!

Gwen: The show will get canceled if one of us dies, though, right?

Chris: Nope. Not at all. Observe. (One of the interns, a fat, bearded man, walks in. He is wearing a Gwen wig and his face is caked in heavy makeup) As you can see, we have replacements at the ready!

Gwen: Uh… Chris? Nobody would think that's me!

Chris: You're right. (He kicks the intern in the balls)

Intern (in a high, squeaky voice): Yowch!

Chris: Now he's got a girly voice, too. On with the challenge! Time to announce the rest of the pairs. For the Screaming Ivy… Cody, you'll be guiding Noah. Izzy, you'll be guiding Beth. Lindsay, you'll be guiding Eva. Duncan… I bet you can guess who'll be guiding you!

Duncan: I have a faint idea.

Chris: You get to be led by the madcap music man himself, Trent!

Duncan: Shit.

Trent: Hey man, no need to worry! I'm not gonna do anything to kill you! Maybe, er… seriously maim you, but never kill you.

Duncan (sarcastically): Wow, I feel so relieved.

Chris: Finally, Alejandro, you'll be guiding Justin.

Alejandro: Eh, amigo, looks like we're paired up. Now you can tell me _all_ about your amazing exploits with the ladies. (Justin shrugs and chuckles nevously.)

Chris: Now, on to the Killer Redwoods. Geoff, you'll be leading DJ.

DJ (addressing Geoff): Now hey man, don't you be runnin' off to any ice cream trucks, you feelin' me?

Geoff: Ice cream? Ice cream is _so _last year. Cereal's the new thing, man!

DJ: Well, then don't you be runnin' off to any cereal trucks, alright?

Geoff: There are cereal trucks? Sweet! (DJ slaps his hand to his forehead and groans.)

Chris: Katie, you'll be leading Sadie.

Katie and Sadie: Eeeee!

Chris: Tyler will be leading Owen. Sierra, you'll be leading Bridgette. Heh heh… Leshawna, you'll be leading Heather. (Leshawna turns to Heather and grins wickedly.)

Leshawna: Revenge is on its way, sweetheart.

Heather: This is going to be one difficult season.

Chris: Can't you guys just set aside your differences and embrace each other for your unique selves?

Heather and Leshawna: NO!

Chris: I love your response. It's exactly why I put you two together. Now, since you guys have an odd number of people on your team, Harold will be by himself. He's practically blinded anyways, what with his eyes always glued to that Nintendo of his.

Leshawna: No kidding, brother.

Harold: I really don't appreciate you insulting me, Leshawna. Might I explain to you how the DS works? I think I will! The ower display of the Nintendo DS is overlaid with a touchscreen, designed to accept input from the included stylus, the user's fingers, or a curved plastic tab attached to the optional wrist strap. The touchscreen allows users to interact with in-game elements more directly than by pressing buttons; for example, in the included chatting software, Pictochat, the stylus is used to write messages, draw, or interact in game. The handheld features four lettered buttons (X, Y, A, B), a directional pad, and Start, Select, and Power buttons. On the top of the device are two shoulder buttons, a game card slot, a stylus holder and a power cable input. The bottom features the Gameboy Advance game cart slot. The overall button layout resembles that of the Super Nintendo Entertainment System controller. When using backwards compatibility mode on the DS, buttons X and Y and the touchscreen are not used as the Gameboy Advance line of systems do not feature these controls. The Nintendo DS features stereo speakers providing virtual surround sound (depending on the software) located on either side of the upper display screen. This is a first for a Nintendo handheld, as the Game Boy line of systems has only supported stereo sound through the use of headphones or external speakers. A built-in microphone is located below the left side of the bottom screen. It has been used for a variety of purposes, including speech recognition, chatting online between and during gameplay sessions, and minigames that require the player to blow or shout into the microphone. Nintendo DS games use a proprietary solid state mask ROM in their "game cards", which resemble smaller, thinner versions of gaming cartridges for past generation portable gaming consoles as the Game Boy or Game Gear. The mask ROM chips are manufactured by Macronix and have an access speed of 150 ns. Cards currently range from 64 megabits to 4 gigabits (8–512 MB) in size (although the maximum capacity is unknown). The cards usually have a small amount of flash memory or an EEPROM to save user data such as game progress or high scores. However, there are a small number of games that have no save memory such as Electroplankton. The game cards are 35.0 mm × 33.0 mm × 3.8 mm (about half the breadth and depth as Game Boy Advance cartridges) and weigh around 3.5 grams (1/8 oz.). Nintendo's own firmware boots the system. A health and safety warning is displayed first, then the main menu is loaded, similar to the Wii console. The main menu presents the player with four main options to select: play a DS game, use PictoChat, initiate DS Download Play, or play a Game Boy Advance game. The main menu also has some secondary options such as: date and time, GBA screen, and touch screen firmware also features an alarm clock, several options for customization (such as boot priority for when games are inserted and GBA screen preference), and the ability to input user information and preferences (such as name, birthday, favorite color, etc.) that can be used in games. One of the Nintendo DSi's firmware 1.4 had sent a piracy update to block flash cards like R4, Acekard, TTDS and more but failed to stop them. Though constant OS updates improve anti-piracy, coders continuously work to find ways around them to enable the use of flash cards, for the purposes of running pirated software and "homebrew" applications, not otherwise allowed on the Nintendo DS, such as using it as a music/film player. If exiting out of DS Download Play, _PictoChat_ or Settings, the DS system will switch off in order to save any changes that might have been made. And that is how a Nintendo DS works!

Leshawna: Is it just me or did his voice convert to fine print there?

_**Meanwhile…**_

(Chef is chasing Ezekiel up Mt. Wawanakwa. The prarie boy is running as fast as he can, but the cook's superior physical strength is slowly helping him catch up.)

Chef (panting heavily): Just give it up, homeschool! Save yourself… the trouble and hand yourself… over! And the diary… too!

Ezekiel (panting even harder): Never, eh! I… may not be used… to the… outdoors as much as you, but I got the spirit, eh! (Suddenly, Chef whips out a water gun.)

Chef: I didn't want to have to use this! Oh, wait! Actually, I did! (He pulls the trigger and a blast of water shoots out, soaking Ezekiel.)

Ezekiel: No water is gonna stop me, eh! No way! (Suddenly, he gets to the top of the hill. He hears a cackle behind him.)

Chef: Dead end, homeschool. This is the end of the line.

**Back at Camp**

Chris: OK, competitors, it's time to give the campers who will be the guided ones their specially designed contact lenses to make them completely blind.

Beth: Can't you just use blindfolds?

Chris: Someone's bound to peek. And they're unstylish. Now, will the soon-to-be-blind ones step forward? (Noah, Beth, Eva, Duncan, Justin, DJ, Sadie, Owen, Bridgette, and Heather step forward. Chris reaches into his pocket and brandishes a small black box, waving it around menacingly. He flips it open, revealing 10 pairs of contacts.) Pick your favorite.

Noah: They're all exactly the same!

Chris: Not exactly. One pair as a few… side effects.

Bridgette: What do you mean by that?

Chris: Oh… you'll see. (Everybody puts their contacts on.)

Owen: Wow… everything is pitch black! I can't see a thing!

Justin: Uh, Chris? This is highly dangerous to my charming good looks. One misstep, and I could crash into a wall! And then my beautiful face would be that of Picasso's!

Chris: Well, you should just hope your partner won't do something like that to you.

Heather: Uggh… Leshawna? Where f**k are you?

Leshawna: Come and find me, bitch!

Heather: Don't play these sort of games, Leshawna! I'm completely blind!

Leshawna: Good thing, too, because now you won't see how much I'm flippin' you off!

Noah: Girls, settle down. Humans can easily survive without their eyesight. They just have to use touch. (He reaches out, and accidentally grabs onto one of Eva's boobs.) Hmm… I think I've got something… Owen, is that you? (He squeezes down hard. This makes Eva yell angrily and punch Noah so hard he goes rocketing across the ground like a missile.)

Duncan: Yeah, great way to use your sense of touch, you little perv.

**Confession Cam**

**Eva: Man, all the guys seem to be crushing on me right now. Am I really that hot?**

**End of Confessionals**

DJ: Geoff… where are you? I'm alone and scared… so dark…

Geoff: Dude, calm down. I've got your back.

DJ: OK, man. Don't ever leave my side. You promise?

Geoff: I promise. I will stay with you the entire time. I will never walk off.

DJ: Good. That's reassuring. (He stands there happily, unable to see that Geoff has just walked off to take a whiz.)

Chris: OK, campers, time to find your partners. Then we'll start the race. (Everybody starts wandering around. Beth, unable to see, crashes into Leshawna, who reaches out as she falls and pulls Heather down with her. Duncan and DJ clonk heads, sending them spiraling backwards and knocking over Cody and Noah respectively. Bridgette, Eva, Sadie, in their rush to find their partners, slam into Owen, who sends them flying backwards into Geoff, Izzy, and Tyler. By the end of all this mayhem, all the campers are just lying in a big pile, bruised and battered.)

Chris: This challenge hasn't even started yet, and already, I'm enjoying it. (Once the campers are gathered up out of their dog pile and led to their partners, he continues.)

Chris: This obstacle course will be designed to test how much you trust the person guiding you. It is a race, but also a game of patience. A game of strategy. We put great amounts of thought in how it should be designed for the perfect combination of physical exertion and timing.

Noah: Yeah, right.

Chris: OK, we just took all the most deadly things we could find and strung them together in a mad course of disorganized, dangerous fun.

Noah: That's more like it.

Chris: Anyways, there are 3 parts to the race. First, you and your partner must travel through the dangerous maze of glass, where it doesn't matter whether you're blindfolded or not, you'll be smashing into walls like birds.

Justin: Oh, great. Just a recipe for messing up my face.

Alejandro: Don't worry, hermano. My well-adjusted eyes will be able to see what is a wall and what is not.

Chris: I wouldn't be so sure about that. Next, the blinded one of the two of you will take a rope and have to swing over the dreaded "Pit of Skunks". You will have to trust your partner to tell you when to let go, so you don't meet a rather stinky fate. The final leg of the challenge is a dangerous wheelbarrow race through the "The Hall of Swinging Axes" (Noticing the campers' horrified facial expressions, he continues.) Of course, it was tested by the interns, and there was only about a 55% death rate. Losing a couple of extremities is most likely, though.

Gwen: Were you abused as a child?

Chris: As I was saying, it's not an easy challenge. The first team to have all pairs across the finish line wins. I'll give you ten minutes to strategize with your partner.

Gwen (turning to Courtney): OK, I know you hate me…

Courtney: _Hate_? That's an understatement.

Gwen: …but we still have to do this challenge! We can't let our team down!

Courtney: You can't tell me what to do.

Gwen: OK! Vote me off at the next elimination ceremony! Just please, can we try to win this challenge? (Courtney thinks for a moment, then sighs)

Courtney: Alright. I won't push you into one of the axes.

Gwen: You _what_?

Courtney: Never mind. Let's just work together and win!

**Confession Cam**

**Courtney: Am I actually going to work with Gwen? As if. If only I could find a way to make it look like an accident…**

**Gwen: I actually seriously think that Courtney isn't going to kill me! That'd be great. I think she's really over the whole "boyfriend stealer" thing. (She pauses) But just in case, anybody got a bulletproof vest?**

**Chris: I have to say, I was pretty psyched about this challenge. We put quite a few interns through it, and let me tell you, the results were hilarious! I just hope I have enough replacements…**

**End of Confessionals**

Eva: Lindsay, are you ready for this? Once we go in, we gotta go the full way. No turning back.

Lindsay: What? Oh, yeah, definitely. Say, Tyler's the one with the striped shirt and tan skin, right?

Eva: That's Katie, Lindsay.

Lindsay: Oh…

Eva: And I thought _I_ was the blind one. (Meanwhile, Tyler is sizing up Owen.)

Tyler: I think this'll be easy enough. The only part I'm a little worried about is the wheel barrow race… I don't think even _my_ extremely buff muscles could pull _your_ weight.

Owen: Yeah, and I've been eating a lot of beans lately. That might not help, either. And as my mother always said, it's not a question of indigestion except to what extent. And right now, it's at the maximum! Heh heh. (Tyler thinks for a moment, and then his eyes light up.)

Tyler: That gives me an idea… (He runs off to Chef's kitchen. Meanwhile, Sierra is watching all this from the bushes.)

Sierra: Hmm… the red jumpsuit one should be fairly easy to kill… it seems that a jet ski accident is in order… The fat one will be a little harder though… food poisoning seems the best route to take.

Bridgette: You're taking this feminist thing way too far.

Sierra: Not at all! In fact, you're the first person I would like to join my all-girl alliance, determined to vote off all the boys!

Bridgette: I'll pass. Seriously, I think your hatred towards guys is kind of irrational.

Sierra: Not at all! There's not a single guy on the island I can stand! Especially that Cody!

Bridgette: So that means you don't like Chris, either?

Sierra: Well actually, what with his extensive amount of beauty supplies and rather feminine fashion choice, he leans more towards the female gender. That's why the relationship between Chris and Chef is so popular. I host many fansites for the couple myself.

Chris: Hey! I hear you over there! And anyways, me and Chef? _So_ last year.

Sierra: I saw you sketching him in your diary just a few hours ago.

Chris: Uh… well… see… Just, get back to work!

Duncan: OK, Trent, I've got this awesome plan. You gonna go along with it?

Trent: Yeah, sure. Whatever.

Duncan: Dude, are you still mad at me?

Trent: What? Oh, of course not. Why would I be mad? I'm not Courtney. I don't care that my girlfriend broke up with me. I don't care that she chose to hook up with a complete douche bag. I don't care that she humiliated me and turned me into a raging tornado of confused emotions, all because of some selfish, despicable thing she did!

Duncan: Yeah… okaaaay.

Chris: Time's up! Time to gather at each of your separate entrances to the maze. And then, no turning back. (Each of the pairs walk over to the entrance with their names engraved in it.)

Chris: On the count of three, you all can start. 3… 2… 1… GO!

_**Meanwhile**_

Chef: It appears we're at a stalemate, homeschool! Now why don't you just come over here so I can put these handy-dandy handcuffs on you, and nobody gets hurt.

Ezekiel: I aint backin' down, eh! You can't make me!

Chef: How'd you get back on the island, anyways?

Ezekiel: A vigilant spirit overpowers all! I got back with integrity, faithfulness, and power!

Chef: I have to admit, I'm surprised you got here. I'll tell you what. Just hand over the diary, and I'll let you go.

Ezekiel: I don't think so, eh. But you'd be surprised how much Chris draws you in your underwear in this here book.

Chef: What are you talkin', homeschool? Let me see that!

Ezekiel: No way! It's mine! It's gonna be my ransom to get back into the game, eh!

Chef: So that's how it is. Well I have a bit of a ransom myself. (He pulls out Ezekiel's toque, which makes the prairie boy gasp in horror.)

Ezekiel: How'd you get that?

Chef: The weird hat guy who likes cereal dropped it.

Ezekiel: That's my favorite toque!

Chef: Oh, too bad. (He takes out a knife, and waves it around the toque.) How about I cut off this weird fuzzy ball thing at the top?

Ezekiel: NOOOOO! It's not a toque without the weird fuzzy ball thing!

Chef: Hand over the diary.

Ezekiel: No!

Chef: Then say good-bye to your weird fuzzy ball thing. (He slowly brings his knife down.)

**In the Maze**

Noah: Ugghh… we've been searching for at least an hour, and still, no sign of anything!

Cody: Hmm… that's interesting. Do you think Gwen likes me?

Noah: You aren't listening, are you? If only I was not the blind one! I could have us out of here in minutes.

Cody: But seriously, what do you think? Do I have any chance?

Noah: No.

Cody: That's kind of blatant, don't you think?

Noah: I like to get right down to the point. For Gwen to like you, you need to get hundreds of piercings, some in unmentionable places, hurt a couple innocent animals, and get a Mohawk.

Cody: OK, but if you were Gwen, who would you pick?

Noah: I can't think like that. Dude, I'm not gay.

Cody: Are you sure? Because you _did _kiss me that one time…

Noah: I was asleep!

Cody: Then who were you dreaming about?

Noah: Why should I tell you?

Cody: Listen, I'm pretty tight with all the girls. I could totally set you two up! (Noah thinks for a moment, and then sighs.)

Noah: Fine, but you have to promise not to tell anyone.

Cody: I promise. Is it Bridgette?

Noah: No. The person I like is…

**In Another Part of the Maze**

Sadie: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

Katie: Not yet. Not yet. Not yet.

Sadie: I knew it! You've gotten us lost again!

Katie: No way, Jose!

Sadie: *gasp* Why are you bringing up Jose again?

Katie: Sadie, that was back in kindergarten.

Sadie: You stole Jose from me! He was the sexiest latino ever born.

Katie: Not as sexy as Alejandro.

Sadie: True. I think he really likes me.

Katie: Uh… I think he likes _me_, Sadie.

Sadie: Why would he like you? I think he prefers somebody with actual _brains_.

Katie: I have a brain! It just… goes out of town sometimes.

Sadie: _Sometimes_? More like all the time.

Katie: Well, I don't think that Alejandro would date someone who could kill him just by sitting on him!

Sadie: That only happened once!

Katie: Yeah. Poor Robert…

Sadie: I'm sick of you always calling me fat!

Katie: I never tell a lie.

Sadie: When we're done with this game, I never want to see you again!

Katie: Same!

**Confession Cam**

**Katie: Sadie is such an idiot! She's fat and obnoxious and lazy, and she thinks that just because she has a brain, she can boss everyone around. Did you know that all the guys in the second grade used to run whenever they saw her? Everybody hates her! And I'm no exception! (She turns to Sadie, who is sitting next to her.) OK, your turn. **

**Sadie: I won't waste much words with Katie. But seriously, she's a bitch! She's so shallow, and seriously, it's like she applies her make-up with a paintball gun. And she's kind of a slut. (She turns to Katie.) OK, I'm done too. (They look at each other for a moment, and then burst into tears.)**

**Together (hugging each other): I'm sorry! We're still BFF's! **

**End of Confessionals**

**In Another Part of the Maze**

Beth: So where are we now, Izzy? I really can't see a thing.

Izzy: We're in a magical land, where dinosaurs roam free… And there are colossal Owens stomping across the ground.

Beth: I thought we were supposed to be in a maze made of glass.

Izzy: We are, but I am conjuring an illusion. And soon, what is merely an illusion becomes reality. It is etched into our grey matter, and it consumes our minds until it dominates our thinking process.

Beth: What does that mean?

Izzy: I really have no idea.

Beth: So, you and Owen, huh?

Izzy: Who? Big O? Yes, I am fond of him. His head makes such a nice bongo drum, because it's so much hollower than the rest. But no, I never felt any passion towards him for anything other than a musical instrument.

Beth: Hmm… I really like Alejandro. But I don't know if he also likes me.

Izzy: I think Alejandro might actually be an escaped mental patient. Did you see that puppet of himself he had in Drumheller? Totally creepy.

Beth: I actually think it's kind of cute.

Izzy: I bet he has marionettes of all the contestants. He probably lines them up on his windowsill at night and sings them softly to sleep. No wait, that's just Sierra.

Beth: Remind me to never talk to _her_.

**In Another Part of the Maze**

Justin: It's so weird, being blind. Am I sexy when I'm blind?

Alejandro: Oh, yes, amigo. Extremely. So… having luck with the ladies?

Justin: Umm… I think today hasn't exactly been my "lucky day".

Alejandro: What? You mean you haven't gotten a single woman yet?

Justin: Er… no.

Alejandro: That's unbelievable! Those girls have no taste in men!

Justin: Yeah! Who wouldn't be swooning at my perfectly manicured feet? I'm the hottest being on earth!

Alejandro: Totally. It just sickens me to watch that sort of thing. That's why I think that we, as the two hottest guys on the island, should form an alliance. (Suddenly, Chris materializes out of thin air.)

Chris: Actually, I think I'm the hottest guy on the island. (Then he disappears)

Justin: Uh… that was strange. Can Chris teleport or something?

Alejandro: I don't know. But seriously, if you and I were to team up, we could be the most powerful alliance on the island!

Justin: I don't know… This competition has really been straining my facial muscles. The sooner I leave here, the better.

Alejandro: I could teach you how to charm the ladies again.

Justin: Really?

Alejandro: Oh, yes. Definitely.

**Confession Cam**

**Alejandro: Justin has proved to me that he is not quite as dangerous as I thought. That's why he would be the perfect mole to slavishly obey me in an alliance! (He sighs) If only Heather were here to see this…**

**End of Confessionals**

**In Another Part of the Maze**

Courtney: …and he's completely annoying, and he never bathes, and—

Gwen: Courtney, you've been ranting about Duncan this entire time! Can't we talk about something else? How about—(Before she can say another word, she smashes right into a wall of glass.)

Courtney: Oops. I guess I wasn't leading you well enough.

Gwen: OK, you did that on purpose!

**In Another Part of the Maze**

Leshawna: I don't understand this maze! It's impossible! It's like trying to find the last half-off box of donuts at the grocery store!

Heather: Donuts? I can't believe you eat those things. It's unsanitary. But then again, that would explain…

Leshawna: I dare you to continue. Remember, you're the one who's blind, not me. I can do whatever I want to you.

Heather: No, I'm good. Wait a minute… (She blinks her eyelids a couple of times, and then gasps.) Leshawna, I can see!

Leshawna: What are you talkin', sister? You goin' insane or something?

Heather: No, seriously! And in high-def, too! (She turns to Leshawna, and screams. Standing before her is a rabid, spitting, giant purple spider holding an axe.)

Leshawna: What's up with you, bitch? Why you screamin'?

Heather: Get away from me! Get away! (Suddenly, all the walls burst into flames. At this, Heather starts to sob miserably.)

Leshawna: What's wrong with you?

Heather: Fire… closing in on us! No escape! NOOOO ESSSSCCCAAAAAPPPPE! Save me! Save me! Take my mom, take my dad, take my—(She is cut off when Leshawna promptly smacks her across the face. Then everything returns to normal.)

Heather: Thanks… I needed that.

Leshawna: What the f*** is wrong with you? You going mentally insane or something?

Heather: No, it's just that I was having… hallucinations.

Leshawna: Wait a minute! You must have the gotten contact lenses with the side effects! You get to see perfectly, but now you have hallucinations! (She suddenly realizes that Heather is eating the ground.)

Heather: Mmmm… ravioli. (Leshawna groans at this.)

Leshawna: I guess I'm gonna have to be slappin' her a lot, it seems. (Then her face breaks into a grin, and she makes her way towards Heather.)

(As time wears on, each of the pairings find their exit to the maze. After a while, the only ones left are Trent and Duncan.)

Duncan: You realize we're the last ones left, right?

Trent: Well sorry! This whole maze looks the same to me!

Duncan: Luckily, I have a plan to make up for your suckitude. (He reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a rock.) This whole maze is made of glass, right?

Trent: You don't mean…?

Duncan: Oh yes, I do. (He hands Trent the rock.) You better have a good aim, guitar boy.

Trent: Do you think Chris will kill us?

Duncan: I doubt it. Why would he make the maze entirely out of glass, unless he wanted someone to figure out that they could just break it?

Trent: You're right. Okay, I'll do it. (He winds his arm back, and flings it at the wall. The glass immediately shatters, and the stone passes through the next eight walls after that.)

Trent: The stone broke nine walls! A sign!

Duncan: Yeah, whatever. Just keep going, bub. (The two continue to break walls and walls of glass, until finally, they are out of the maze.)

Trent: Great work, Duncan! High-five! (Duncan moves forward in a high-five, but misses completely. The propulsion of the movement sends him tumbling face-first into the ground.)

Trent: Oops. Forgot you were still blind. (Meanwhile, Lindsay and Eva have just reached their rope over the Pit of Skunks.)

Eva: OK, Lindsay, I'm going to grab onto the rope, and start swinging. You're going to have to tell me when to let go. You think you can handle that?

Lindsay: Oh, yeah. Totally.

Eva: This is not an easy task. Are you positive you can do it?

Lindsay: Oh my god, just grab the rope already! You can totally count on me!

Eva: Okay… (She reaches out and grabs onto the rope. Slowly, she starts swinging back and forth. She can't see the skunks below her, but she can smell them.)

Eva: Lindsay! Tell me when to jump!

Lindsay: OK… jump! No wait! Don't jump! Wait for it… now jump! No wait! Stop! Don't jump! Man, this is hard.

Eva: Lindsay! It really isn't!

Lindsay: Fine! Wait for it… jump! Go for it! Go for it! (Eva has just let go of the rope when Lindsay screams.) No! Don't jump! Don't jump! (But it is too late. Eva goes flying right into the skunk pit. All the skunks start climbing on top of her, spraying her body everywhere.)

Lindsay: OK, that is so gross. (Meanwhile, Tyler and Owen aren't having much luck, either.)

Tyler: Owen! The rope is breaking! Let go already!

Owen: But I'm too afraid! I don't want to die like this! I don't want to die!

Tyler: Just do it!

Owen: No! You can't make me!

Tyler: That's it! I'm coming on! (He makes a running leap, and grabs onto the rope, right under Owen. The rope starts to snap.)

Tyler: OWEN! We're going to jump now! On the count of 3—(He is cut off by Owen farting right into his face. Knocked out by the fumes, Tyler falls into the pit, unconscious.)

Owen: Ahhhh…. Now I'm all alone. (Suddenly, the cable breaks, and Owen falls into the pit, landing right on Tyler. The skunks start to surround the two of them, and Owen becomes so scared that he lets loose a torrent of nervous farts. This makes all the skunks fall to the ground, unconscious.)

Owen: I may be blind, but I know that my stench just overpowered fifty skunks! (Suddenly, he hears Tyler muffled underneath him. He gets up. The jock is as flat as a pancake.)

Owen: Oops.

Tyler: I think I'm smashier than silly putty right now… (He slowly gets up, and the two of them climb out of the pit.)

Owen: Sorry, Tyler.

Tyler: That's okay. But guess what? I got beans!

Owen: Seriously? You mean…?

Tyler: Yep. We're going through with Plan B!(Meanwhile, Harold has just made it to his pit. The skunks all look up at him, rather hungrily. Harold doesn't even glance up from his Nintendo DS. Instead, he walks right into the pit. The skunks immediately start to surround him, and get ready to spray. In response, Harold holds up his Nintendo DS.)

Harold: Behold! The power of the Nintendo DS! (The skunks' eyes all grow wide, and then they stare at him, as if he is some sort of god.)

Harold: Yes, I possess the powers of the Nintendo DS. What do you have to say about that? You will let me through, or face the wrath of Super Mario Bros.! (The skunks all nod their heads, and Harold makes his way through the pit. Sierra and Bridgette are watching this from their pit, which is just to the right of his.)

Sierra: Another simple specimen to exterminate.

Bridgette: You're really scaring me, you know that?

Sierra: Just grab the rope, Bridgette. I'll tell you when to jump. (Uncertainly, Bridgette grabs onto the rope, and starts to swing back and forth.)

Sierra: OK… jump! (Bridgette lets go of the rope, and is pleasantly surprised to find that she lands on the soft ground of the other side.)

Bridgette: Wow… You actually helped me across! I thought you were gonna try to make me fall into the pit!

Sierra: No way! I would only do something like that to a boy. Speaking of which, do you know what bed Cody sleeps in? I've got some petrol that I've been wanting to use. (Bridgette just rolls her eyes. Meanwhile, Gwen has grabbed onto the rope and is swinging.)

Gwen: Uh… Courtney? Could you tell me when to let go?

Courtney: Nah, I don't feel like it.

Gwen: Courtney! _You don't feel like it? _That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard! I'm hanging for my life over a pit of skunks! Tell me when to let go or you're dead!

Courtney: OK… let go. (Gwen waits two seconds after she says this, and then lets go. She lands perfectly on the other side.)

Courtney: Why didn't you go when I told you to go?

Gwen: You actually though I would believe you? I knew you were lying, so I jumped a few seconds after that. (Courtney starts to fume, but then calms down.)

Courtney: Whatever. I was just testing you. (Meanwhile, Geoff is trying to make DJ get on the rope, but to no prevail.)

Geoff: Just do it, man! Nothing's gonna happen to you! Just pretend you're swinging above a pit of cereal. Man, I could really go for some cereal right now.

DJ: I'm gonna do it, man, I'm gonna do it.

Geoff: You can do this, man! I'll be right by your side the entire time! (He watches calmly as DJ slowly grabs onto the rope.)

Geoff (to himself): I'm so proud of that guy. (A small tear wells up in his eye. Suddenly, he hears a soft shaking sound coming from the distance. Geoff cups a hand to his ear and listens more closely. His eyes then grow wide in excitement.) Could it be? It is! A box of Lucky Charms! And it's being shook! I have to find it! (He runs off into the distance.)

DJ: Geoff? Geoff? Are you still there? Geoff? (At the realization of what's happened, he bursts into tears.) I'm all alone! Waaaahhhh! (Meanwhile, Leshawna has already swung across the pit, and is waiting for Heather.)

Leshawna: C'mon, bitch! I ain't got all day!

Heather: Shut up! I have to make sure I don't break a nail or something!

Leshawna: I don't care about your nails! We've got a challenge to win!

Heather: Fine, I'm going. But this could be seriously dangerous… (She grabs onto the rope, and starts to swing back and forth. When she looks down, though, she sees huge piles of money, sitting right underneath her.) Money! The stuff I have been deprived of for so long! Come to mama!

Leshawna: No, Heather! Don't do it! It's just another hallucination! (But Heather isn't listening. Excitedly, she lets go of the rope and falls into the pit. She starts scooping up money bags, which are actually skunks, and stuffs them in her pockets. She climbs back out of the pit, holding one of the skunks between her teeth.)

Heather: Ha! I bet you're not laughing at me now! Money! All the money I could ever need! Hooray—(She is cut off by Leshawna slapping her across the face. She screams when she realizes she is holding a skunk in between her teeth, and frantically starts throwing all the skunks back into the pit. But it's no use. She is covered in stench.)

**Confession Cam**

**Heather (pouring tomato juice all over herself): Ugghh… Why the f**k did Chris give me the special contacts? Now I reek! Well, I'll have you know, Chris Mclean, that I am currently plotting your death. It can't be much longer now. **

**Leshawna (between her laughs): Man, Chris, I cannot thank you enough. Finally givin' that bitch what she deserves… **

**End of Confessionals**

(Geoff is running through the forest, getting more excited by the minute. The sound of cereal is getting closer… closer… Suddenly, he makes it to a clearing in the middle of the forest. Chris is standing there, shaking a maraca up and down.)

Geoff: No… cereal?

Chris: Ha! I knew it would work!

Geoff: You tricked me!

Chris: Hey, I gotta stir up some sort of conflict between you and DJ. We can't be having "bromances" on this show. So now, currently, DJ is cursing your name as he hangs for dear life over a pit of skunks.

Geoff: Uh-oh. Well, can I at least have some cereal for the trip back?

Chris: Aww… what the heck. (He throws him a tiny box of Rice Crispies.)

Geoff: Cereal! Cereal! Cereal! (He rips open the box and a fountain of Rice Crispies pours into his mouth. With the new burst of strength from the consumption of the cereal, the party boy runs back the way he came, in search of DJ. Meanwhile, Tyler and Owen have made it to the Hall of Swinging Axes. It is a large platform with at least twenty different axes swinging back and forth like pendulums.)

Tyler: This may be more difficult than I expected. (He takes a wheelbarrow, and stuffs Owen in it. Then he takes out a can of beans.) You ready?

Owen: Load her up. Oh, and you might want to plug your nose. This could get smelly. (Courtney and Gwen have just made it to the Hall of Axes when they hear this.)

Courtney: What the heck are those guys doing?

Gwen: How should I know? I can't see! C'mon already! Put me in the wheelbarrow and let's go!

**Confession Cam**

**Courtney: Yeah, I later felt bad about what I did in the Hall of Swinging Axes. But then again, Gwen was being so obnoxious, I really had no choice. **

**Tyler: I'm pretty proud of coming up with such an efficient plan. It just proves that behind these beautiful muscles and charming looks, I have a brain, too. (He looks down at the toilet.) Now if only I knew how to flush this thing…**

**End of Confessionals**

Noah: God, we're in like, last place!

Cody: That doesn't matter, dude. I still can't believe you like—

Noah: Hey, shut it! I don't want you announcing it to the world! (They stop when they make it to the edge of the pit.)

Cody: Uh-oh… this looks dangerous… how are we gonna do this?

Noah: Don't you ask me. I'm the blind one. But if my knowledge doesn't fail me, I'm guessing that you're so worked up about having to cross a skunk pit that have you haven't even realized that you can just walk around it.

Cody: Whoa… you're right! You're a genius!

Noah: Or maybe I'm just the only person who isn't an idiot.

**Confession Cam**

**Noah: Seriously, the lack of intelligence around this place is appalling. Some people here don't even know how to flush the toilet!**

**Tyler (fiddling with the toilet): Hmm… maybe if I stick my foot in…**

**End of Confessionals**

Geoff: DJ! Are you okay?

DJ: Do I look okay to you? You just abandoned me!

Geoff: Look, I'm sorry, man. You know how you have a passion for bunnies?

DJ: Bunnies… cute, fluffy bunnies…

Geoff: Exactly. Well, I have that same sort of passion for cereal. And sometimes, people get carried away when they get excited by things they are passionate about.

DJ: But you abandoned me!

Geoff: Yes, but I learned my lesson. And now, from here on out, I will never leave your side.

DJ: I think that's about the third time you've said that.

Geoff: But this time I mean it! From the bottom of my heart. And you know what? I think you're not cursed.

DJ: Really? You actually think I'm not?

Geoff: Yep. In fact, I bet if you jumped into that pit right now, the skunks wouldn't even hurt you.

DJ: You really think so?

Geoff: Definitely.

DJ: OK, I'm going in.

Geoff: WHAT? It didn't mean it like that! Like, don't actually do it! (But DJ has already jumped into the pit. Frantically, Geoff swings across the pit and lands on the other side. He searches for DJ among the skunks, but can't find him. Then suddenly, DJ climbs up out of the pit, rocking a sleeping skunk to sleep in his arms.)

DJ: They didn't even spray me. Not once.

Geoff: DJ! Do you know what this means? You're not cursed anymore!

DJ: Hey, I couldn't have done it without my friends.

**Confession Cam**

**Chris: Aww, I hate touching moments. Totally kills ratings. Now I just gotta find some way to turn DJ and Geoff against each other… That way, our ratings will skyrocket through the roof!**

**End of Confessionals**

Owen: I think it's coming Tyler. The beast within is coming. You better grab on.

Tyler: OK, let's do it. Man I really love that saying. "Let's Do It". Totally Nike. I really don't know which one is better, Nike or Adidas. It's really hard to decide—(He cut off by Owen letting out an earth-shaking fart. The wheelbarrow rockets forward, traveling so fast that it becomes a blur. Owen's pants go flying off and hit Tyler in the face, making him scream in terror. They quickly pass the finish line, but the wheelbarrow keeps traveling, until it smashes into a cabin and sends Owen and Tyler flying.)

Chris: Excellent work, you two. You are the first to arrive.

Owen: Sweet! (He reaches to high-five Tyler, but finds the jock convulsing and vomiting on the ground, with Owen's pants stuffed in his mouth.) Thanks for keeping my pants safe, buddy. (He rips them out of Tyler's mouth and puts them on, even though they are covered in saliva and barf. Chris finds himself barely able to keep his lunch down at this spectacle. Meanwhile, back at the other end of the Hall of Swinging Axes, all the rest of the pairs have arrived, half of them smelling horrible and trying to get rid of the scent with tomato juice. The pairs of Heather and Leshawna, as well as Gwen and Courtney are already trying to get across.)

Justin: This is ridiculous. I could get a scratch my face or something! Then who knows how many plastic surgeries I would have to get?

Duncan: Hey, don't be a wimp. Let's go, Trent.

Trent: Er… I don't know. This looks pretty dangerous. I'd kinda like to wait until Gwen makes it across safely, so I can know if I die that at least she's safe.

Duncan: Dude, it's fine. Now loosen your tighty-whities and let's go! (Reluctantly, Trent takes the wheelbarrow and starts pushing him up onto the platform.)

Izzy: Oh my god, this is so cool! It would be so awesome if I like, got my body sawed in half!

Beth: No it wouldn't! I'm not doing this. I can't.

Duncan: Oh, you're gonna to do this. Or otherwise, say goodbye to Big Bertha!

Beth: You wouldn't.

Duncan: I would. You do not how much I've been craving bacon.

Beth: Shut up!

Duncan: Or sausage…

Beth: I'm warning you…

Duncan: Or wait, I know! Little mini cheese dogs! Pork flavored, of course.

Beth: THAT IS IT! Let's get up on that platform, Izzy, so I can smack that pork-eater silly! (Duncan turns to Trent and grins at him.)

Duncan: And that, my friend, is how you motivate a teammate.

**Confession Cam**

**Trent: I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think Duncan's actually not that bad of guy. Sure, his personal hygiene isn't world class and he bullies every species he sees, but hey, he's not the worst person Gwen could be with! Though he's pretty low on the list. **

**End of Confessionals**

(One by one, all of the pairs get wheelbarrows and roll onto the platform.)

Katie: Sadie, this is so scary!

Sadie: I know, right?

Eva (to Lindsay): You better not push me into any of those axes, you hear me, Lindsay?

Lindsay: Why would I do that? (One second later, she pushes Eva right into an axe. Luckily, it only saws off the very front of the wheelbarrow.) Oops.

Eva: That's it! I'm just going by myself! (She starts running through the Hall of Swinging Axes, somehow making it through without get sawed in half, even though she's blind.)

Lindsay: Evan, wait for me! (She starts running after her. She is just a few feet from the end of the platform when she trips.) Gosh darn it, these stupid high heels. (She doesn't even notice that she is in the path of an axe, and it is coming right towards her)

Tyler: Lindsay! (He takes a running leap at the blonde and lands right on top of her. He tries to get her off the platform, but there isn't enough time. The axe is about to make contact with the both of them when Heather slams into them, due to having another fearsome hallucination. The two go flying off the platform and land softly in the grass off the platform.)

Lindsay: Tim, you saved my life.

Tyler: Well, kinda. And it's Tyler.

Lindsay: Tyler. My hero. (She pauses for a couple seconds.) Have you always had such puffy lips? (Tyler groans and slaps his hand to his forehead. Meanwhile, Heather has climbed up one of the swinging axes and is not coming down, despite Leshawna's pleas.)

Leshawna: Come down, ya bitch! These are just some goddamn hallucinations you're experiencing!

Heather: Get away from me, you giant meatball! (Duncan and Trent wheel by.)

Duncan: See you two losers later. (They wheel away, laughing happily. Just a couple seconds later, Justin and Alejandro wheel by as well, slapping hands.)

Leshawna: Do you see that? We just lost our lead because of you! (She watches angrily as the two pairs wheel into the finish line, grinning from ear to ear.)

Chris: That's three pairs in for the Screaming Ivy! The Killer Redwoods, however, still only have one.

Tyler: C'mon you guys! Just do it! God, that saying's catchy.

Geoff (turning to DJ): Ready to make a run for it, buddy?

DJ: Let's just get it over with. (Geoff starts wheeling him forward, and the wheelbarrow starts to pick up speed.)

Geoff: We're gonna make it dude, we're gonna make it! (Suddenly, he slips, and falls to the ground. The wheelbarrow, however, shoots forward and smashes through the finish line, with DJ still in it.)

DJ (peering out of the wheelbarrow): I made it! I made it man, I made it. Geoff, where are you, bud? (Geoff, meanwhile, is currently on the ground about halfway through the Hall of Swinging Axes. Suddenly, an axe comes down at him, and Geoff ducks down to dodge it. The axe swings by just above his head, but stabs his hat and carries it up with it.)

Geoff: No! Not my hat! Anything but my hat! (He tries grabbing at it when the axe comes back down, but misses.)

DJ: It's not worth it, Geoff!

Geoff: It is worth it! You don't know what that hat means to me!

DJ: I've gotta do something to make him snap out of it. (Suddenly, he gets an idea. He quickly runs into Chef's kitchen, and finds the biggest box of Corn Flakes he can find. Then he runs back outside and shakes the box as hard as he can. Geoff's ears perk up at the sound.)

Geoff: Cereal? (He sees the box, and then screeches with delight.) Cereal! (He starts to make a break for it when he remembers his hat, still stuck to the axe. But in the end, his hunger gives in and runs for the cereal, dodging many axes as he does so. When he gets to DJ, he rips the cereal box out of his hand and stuffs it down his throat whole, not even bothering to open the box.)

Chris: And that's another pair in for the Killer Redwoods!

Geoff: We're gonna get my hat back, right?

Chris: Nope. Why would we?

Geoff: Because I want my hat! I want it! I want it!

DJ: It's just a hat, Geoff.

Geoff: _Just a hat_? _Just a hat_? It's more than just a hat! It is my love! My soul mate!

Bridgette (from atop the platform): I thought I was your soul mate!

Geoff: Oh, yes, well, besides you, of course.

DJ: Can't you just get a new one?

Geoff: That's not how it works in the hat industry. Thanks a lot, bud. (He burps angrily at DJ, making the box top of the cereal box shoot out of his mouth and float right down onto DJ's nose. Then he walks away.)

Chris: Never get in between a man and his hat.

_**Meanwhile…**_

Chef: Hand it over, or I cut this here fuzzy ball off the top of your toque!

Ezekiel: It's like Chris just said, eh! Never get in between a man and his hat! The results could be disastrous!

Chef: Too bad. What're you gonna do to me, pantse me or something? (That's exactly what Ezekiel does. In Chef's moment of embarrassment about having the tattoo on his left thigh exposed, Ezekiel, quick as a flash, swipes the toque out of his hand and places it promptly on his head. Then he starts to slowly back away, towards the edge of the cliff.)

Chef: What are you doing, homeschool? Get away from that edge, you idiot! (But it is too late. Ezekiel slowly tips backward and disappears from Chef's point of vision. The cook runs to the edge of the cliff and peers downwards. There is a small splash, but then nothing comes up.)

Chef: Well, I guess that takes care of that. (He thinks for a moment) I wonder if Chris really _has_ been drawing me in my underwear?

**Back at Camp**

Chris: And Izzy and Beth have just made it across! That only leaves the pairs of Bridgette and Sierra, Cody and Noah, Katie and Sadie, Courtney and Gwen, Heather and Leshawna, and Harold and his Nintendo DS!

Noah: Cody, let's just go for it. What have we got to lose?

Cody: Our dicks. They could get sliced off.

Noah: Was that really necessary? (Cody is about to respond when he notices Sierra, watching him intently. Then she points to the swinging axe and grins.)

Cody: Yeah, we better get going. (They make their way forward, with Sierra and Bridgette following close behind. They pass by Courtney and Gwen, who are standing at the midway point, arguing.)

Courtney: I might as well put it to you this way: Duncan just wants you for you-know-what.

Gwen: He's not like that! He wants to be with me because we like each other!

Courtney: As if. He'll pass you on soon enough.

Gwen: No he won't!

Courtney: Yeah he will! He's a selfish moron and you are too!

Gwen: Maybe you just think that because you've got a pole so far up your butt it's coming out your mouth!

Courtney: That's it! (Without another word, she runs off, leaving Gwen behind.)

Gwen: Courtney? Courtney?

Courtney: See ya later, Gothy! Try not to get hit by an axe!

Gwen: But I'm blind, Courtney! You can't leave me here!

Courtney: Uh… yeah I can. (Meanwhile, Harold is somehow managing to dodge all the axes, even though he is playing Nintendo DS.)

**Confession Cam**

**Harold: Yeah, I'm great at multitasking. One time, I rewired my dad's old computer, chewed gum, cooked a five course meal for my family, and went to the bathroom, all at the same time! **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: And Harold makes it across the finish line!

Leshawna: C'mon, Heather! You gotta get down here, already!

Heather: Never! (She climbs even higher up the axe.)

Leshawna: That's it! I'm comin' up! (She grabs onto the axe and starts to slowly shimmy up.)

Heather: No! This is my candy cane! Get off, Michael Jackson, get off!

Chris: Man, I knew I would enjoy watching someone have to deal with those contacts.

Katie: Sadie! If I don't make it across alive, I want you to have my tube of ultra pink lip gloss! (Sadie jumps out of the wheelbarrow.)

Sadie: Aww… that's so sweet. And I promise I won't try to eat it this time. (They hug each other happily, and one of the axes barely misses them.)

Katie: Let us make it through! With the power of FRIENDSHIP!

Chris: I think I'm gonna throw up. (Still locked in an embrace, then two dance through the entire course, until they cross over the finish line. Meanwhile, Cody and Noah are trying as hard as they can to get past the axes, but are having trouble, mostly due to Sierra purposely ramming into them with her wheelbarrow, and right into the paths of some of the axes.)

Noah: Do something about your psycho girlfriend before she kills us!

Cody: She's not my girlfriend! (Sierra rams into them again, and Cody isn't completely able to jump out of the way of the axe this time. Part of his cowlicks are chopped off, making him shriek in terror.)

**Confession Cam**

**Cody: I knew it was time. It couldn't go on like this. However painful it was, I had to apologize to Sierra. **

**End of Confessionals **

Cody: Sierra!

Sierra: What do you want, heart-breaking boy scum?

Cody: Don't you want to talk about this or something? Work it out the right way?

Sierra: If "working it out the right way" involves a machete, then yes!

Cody: Well, not exactly… I just wanted to say that I'm sorry.

Sierra: I don't except apologies from boys! Especially heartless ones like yourself!

Cody: Listen, Sierra! We could be friends, you know!

Sierra: I'm not friends with jerks! And anyways, why would I ever want to be friends with you? You're perverted, you've got weird hair in the shape of a banana peel, (Cody pats his hair sadly at this comment) and you really need to have a dentist look at the horrible gap in your teeth! (Cody turns to Noah and shrugs.)

Cody: I tried. (Sierra is about to ram into them again when suddenly, Bridgette reaches up from the wheelbarrow and tugs on her braid.)

Bridgette: Stop! Sierra! Haven't you seen what you've become? You're a monster!

Sierra: A monster that is standing up for what is right!

Bridgette: But a monster nonetheless! Stop yourself from doing this!

Sierra: No! (She starts to roll towards the two boys, gaining momentum. However, Bridgette takes a stick out of her pocket and sticks it under the wheels of the wheelbarrow. This makes the two of them go flying forward and land all the way past the finish line. Sierra sticks her head out of the mess and snarls.)

Sierra: I'll get you, Cody, just you wait! (Cody swallows nervously from atop the platform and starts to wheel the other direction.)

Noah: No, you nincompoop! Forward! Forward!

Cody: But… Sierra! I won't face her!

Noah: Then I'll make you. (He takes his book and kisses it one last time.) I'll miss you, my beloved Sports Illustrated Bikini issue. (Then, using Bridgette's strategy, he sticks it under one of the wheels of the wheelbarrow. This makes them go flying forwards, too, past the finish line. When Sierra sees them, she immediately starts chasing Cody, who runs off into the distance, with the feminist following close behind.)

Noah: Ah, true love. I may not be able to see it. But I can hear it. Sounds like desperate screams.

Chris: Leshawna and Heather, and Courtney and Gwen! You are the final pairs left! The first pair to make it across for their team wins invincibility for their team from tonight's vote!

Leshawna: We _could _already have won, if it weren't for this bitch. (She starts to climb farther up the axe, making Heather scream in fear and scramble even farther up.)

Chris: Wait, I think I see someone… Yep! Here comes Courtney! (The Screaming Ivy all begin to cheer. Courtney comes in, grinning evilly.)

Trent: Wait a minute… where's Gwen?

Courtney: Gwen? Oh, she kinda got lost somewhere in the Hall of Swinging Axes.

Trent: You mean you abandoned her?

Courtney: Well, kinda, yeah.

Duncan: Eh, I'm sure Gwen can make it out alive.

Trent: How could you be so indifferent about your girlfriend?

Duncan: I just think she'll be fine. She's tough, after all. And I sure aint risking my but for her.

Trent: Fine. If you're not going back to save her, then I will.

**Can Trent save Gwen?**

**How will Cody deal with an even more psychopathic Sierra?**

**Which team will lose? Which team will win?**

**Who is Noah's secret crush? **

**Who will be voted off at the first elimination ceremony of the season? **

**And does Chris actually have a fondness for Chef?**

**Find out on the next exciting chapter of **

**Total Drama Returns! **

**Note: The next episode will be the final part of Day 1. Enjoy your favorite character while you can, because next chapter, one of them will be eliminated. Forever. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!**


	5. Day 1 Part 5: The First Elimination

**Total Drama Returns**

The Cheesebub's Message: This chapter is really short. It's just the end of the immunity challenge and the first elimination ceremony. Also, this is not a TxG story. In fact, I'll think you'll be interested to know that Trent's character changes significantly in this story.

**Day 1 Part 5 -Chapter 5: The First Elimination Ceremony**

Chris: Wait, I think I see someone… Yep! Here comes Courtney! (The Screaming Ivy all begin to cheer. Courtney comes in, grinning evilly.)

Trent: Wait a minute… where's Gwen?

Courtney: Gwen? Oh, she kinda got lost somewhere in the Hall of Swinging Axes.

Trent: You mean you abandoned her?

Courtney: Well, kinda, yeah.

Duncan: Eh, I'm sure Gwen can make it out alive.

Trent: How could you be so indifferent about your girlfriend?

Duncan: I just think she'll be fine. She's tough, after all. And I sure aint risking my butt for her.

Trent: Fine. If you're not going back to save her, then I will.

Duncan: Hey, be my guest. Go out there and get your dick sliced off. Oh, wait, that's right, you don't have one!

Trent: I do too! It just hasn't… grown in, yet.

Chris: OK, too much information.

Trent: Gwen! I'm coming to save you!

Gwen: If you are, can you hurry up? I'm about to become a goth shish kabob!

Duncan: Gwen! If it weren't for the fact that I could die, I would come and save you!

Gwen (sarcastically): Wow, that's really sweet.

Trent: OK, I'm going back in.

Chris: Dude, you don't have to. It might cost your team the win.

Trent: We're not gonna win unless somebody helps her! (And with that, he climbs up onto the platform and starts heading back. Leshawna watches this and grins.)

Leshawna: Heather, we can win this! Just take my hand and come down.

Heather: NOT IF MY LIFE DEPENDED ON IT, JUSTIN BIEBER! (She takes a stick of dynamite out of her pocket and throws it downwards. It barely misses Leshawna and lands beneath her, exploding and creating a hole in the boards.)

Leshawna: How'd she get a stick of dynamite?

Chris: Hey, don't look at me. I always keep the door to my dynamite drawer locked.

Noah: Why would you need a dynamite drawer?

Chris: Hey, when I'm having trouble coming up with sadistic ways to torture you campers, dynamite is an easy thing to turn to.

Leshawna: This is hopeless! She's never comin' down!

Trent: Too bad for you! I'm already halfway there to saving Gw—(He accidentally trips over his shoelaces, making him tumble face first to the ground. It is lucky he did this, though, because a rather nasty looking axe shoots right by above him.)

Chris: And Trent is saved by his own klutziness!

Trent: Whew… that was a close one.

Leshawna: Yeah… not close enough. (She grabs onto one of the axes as it swings by, and then swivels it around. After pulling it all the way back, she lets it go, heading right towards Trent. The musician spreads his legs wide as the axe comes just a few inches away from his crotch.)

Trent: Chris! Is she allowed to try and newter me?

Leshawna: Hey, I wanna win! (She grabs hold of another axe.)

Sierra: Yeah! Show that boy who's boss!

Courtney: Chris! That's perfectly illegal!

Duncan: Hey, don't you be complaining. You're the one who left Gwen behind.

Courtney: Only because she was being extremely annoying! (Leshawna pulls the next axe back, and sends it flying. This time, however, Trent grabs onto it, and sends it flying back at Leshawna. Leshawna has to jump off the platform to dodge this one, and ends up crushing Tyler.)

Lindsay: Hey flatten your own boyfriend! (As if in response, Leshawna rolls over in pain and crushes Harold, who is standing right next to Tyler. Trent, meanwhile, has made it to Gwen, who is shaking in fear.)

Trent: Hey, now. It's all gonna be alrigh—(He is cut off by someone from behind kneeing him in the crotch, making him keel over. Towering above him is Heather, a mad look in her eyes.)

Heather: Take that, Taio Cruz!

Leshawna: Yeah, that's right! You show em' who's boss!

Gwen: What the heck has happened to her?

Trent: I think she's on drugs…

Duncan: Hey, don't look at me. I stopped dealing drugs years ago.

Chris: It's the super special pair of contacts. It makes you get the craziest of hallucinations! (Heather turns to Chris and gasps.)

Heather: Oh no! It's the ugliest man alive!

Chris: Hey! That hallucination was put into the contacts!

Eva: Maybe she wasn't hallucinating.

Heather: Gah! The world is crumbling around me! There's fire everywhere! And giant Megan Foxes!

Trent: Gwen, we have to get out of here! She's gone completely insane!

Gwen: Fine with me. (The two start running towards the finish line.)

Leshawna: NO! (She jumps back onto the platform, and grabs Heather around the waist.) This is still a race! (Slinging Heather over her shoulders like a sack of potatoes, she starts following Trent and Gwen, gaining on them fast.)

Heather: Letgo ofme! Letgo ofme! Yah! (In crazed rampage, she bites down on Leshawna's neck, like a vampire. This makes Leshawna fall to the ground, unconscious. Heather then jumps off the platform and into the woods, screaming crazily.)

Gwen: Trent! What's going on?

Trent: Nothing. Just keep moving forward.

Courtney: C'mon, you guys! You got this! (It is quite ironic that she is cheering, when she's the one who abandoned Gwen in the first place. Gwen and Trent finally cross the finish line, making the entire Screaming Ivy team cheer wildly.)

Chris: And the Screaming Ivy is the winner!

Trent: Gwen! We made it! You're alive! (He reaches out to hug her, but finds the space where she stood just moments ago empty. He turns and sees her hugging Duncan affectionately, and he is returning the hug. And then, just like that, the two are kissing, and walking away, entering the cabin. Trent's left eyelid twitches for just a second, and then he walks away, his shoulders slumped.)

Leshawna: OK, where is that bitch Heather? She cost us the game!

Chris: Currently, our specialist tracking team is searching for her in the woods. The last time they saw her, she was tying her pants to the top of a tree and using it as a flag.

Leshawna: Uggh, that girl! She is gonna get it!

Alejandro: Hey, chica, calm down. Voting her off will not help.

Leshawna: It might not help you, but it'll help the rest of us! She's been a pain in the butt since day 1! If we choose to vote her off, we'll vote her off! (Alejandro hangs his head and sighs.)

Alejandro: Very well. I accept your decision. After all, you _are_ the team captain.

Leshawna: Really? You think so?

Alejandro: Think so? I know so. A lady of your fiery passion and glowing beauty is the perfect example of what a team captain should be! I still cannot believe Harold broke up with you.

Leshawna: I know, right?

Alejandro: Any man would feel honored to be your boyfriend.

Leshawna: Even you?

Alejandro: Even me. (Then he glances over at Justin and holds up 3 fingers.)

**Confession Cam**

**Justin: How can I ever be a lady's man when that latino spice ball is around? Even if we are in an alliance, it gets on my nerves. **

**Leshawna: Alejandro? As if. He actually thinks I would fall for him again? I'll play along, but really, he'll get nowhere with me. **

**Trent (hangs his head and sighs.)**

**Owen: Oh, man, that granola bar just went right through me. Now if you don't mind… (He starts to unbuckle his pants.)**

**Noah (walks in too confess, but falls unconscious instead because of the fumes of Owen's previous dump.) **

**End of Confessionals **

**Mess Hall**

DJ: So, I guess we gotta vote someone off. (The Killer Redwoods are all sitting at one table, and are trying to munch on granola bars but finding that there are almost completely inedible.)

Sierra: Well, I know who _I_ want to vote off. (She glares over at Cody.)

Bridgette: It has to be someone on _our _team.

Sierra: Can I write all the males' names on one slip?

Tyler: Nope. You gotta pick one.

Geoff: Fine. Let's vote off DJ.

Bridgette: What? But he's like, your best friend!

DJ: No, I understand, man. I made you lose your hat.

Bridgette: Geoff! What's more important to you? Your lasting friendship, that's pretty much irreplaceable, or a hat that you could buy anywhere?

Geoff: Hmm…

Bridgette: Geoff!

Geoff: Fine. We won't vote off DJ. Then who are we gonna vote off?

Sierra (pointing at Owen): How about you?

Owen: What? Why me? What did I ever do?

Sierra: You're a man! And I hate men!

Owen: Heeheehee… I'm a man.

Sierra: And he could knock us all unconscious with his "bodily emissions".

Leshawna: Well, I don't know about yall, but I wanna vote off—(Suddenly, the door slams open, and in tromps Heather, soaking wet, followed by Chef. Glaring, she sits down at the Killer Redwoods table, and doesn't say anything.)

Chris (addressing Chef): And just where have you been? I was worried about you! (He reaches forward to hug Chef passionately, but notices the campers all staring at him.) Er, I mean, I don't care.

Chef: I was out chasing Ezekiel! He's back on the island!

Chris: WHAT? How'd he get here?

Chef: Who knows? That boy just sticks to Total Drama like glue!

Chris: You exterminated him, right?

Chef: Eh, he won't be coming back for a while. Er, but…

Chris: But what?

Chef: He has your diary. (Chris stands there for a moment. Then his eyes roll back into their sockets, and he tumbles backwards, unconscious.)

Chef: Man, I knew he would react that way. (He turns to the campers.) You! (He points at the Screaming Ivy) You're sending someone home! Tonight.

Beth: But Chef! We're the ones who won!

Chef: Oh. Then you! (He points at the Killer Redwoods.) You're sending someone home! Tonight. (Suddenly, Heather gets an idea. She points at the Screaming Ivy.) Actually, I'm pretty sure _they_ were the ones who lost.

Courtney: What? Chef, she's totally lying!

Heather: Chef, I can't believe she would accuse me of that! Well, who do _you _think won?

Chef: I don't know! I didn't see the episode!

Cody: Well, they've gotta have some sort of recap or something, right? They usually store them on certain computers—

Chef: Shut up, nerdling! I'm tryin' to think! (Then his eyes narrow) I have an idea. One big ceremony. Every single one of you votes. Then one of you, could be from either team, gets voted off.

Courtney: But that's no fair! We won we won we won!

Chef: Be quiet, girl! Or I'll… (He picks up Harold and holds him like a club) … hit you with this here nerdling!

Courtney: Fine. But I am _so _telling Chris.

**Confession Cam **

**Heather: That was **_**too**_ **easy! Now I just have to form a huge alliance to vote off the other team's strongest player! And that would be… Alejandro. (Her lower lips starts to tremble.) Or, maybe I could switch to Leshawna **

**Izzy: Hmm… what was in Chris's diary that was so important to him? This will require an investigation. Detective Izzy is on the case!**

**End of Confessionals**

**Campfire Pit**

Chef (reading off a 3x5 flashcard): Welcome to the campfire pit! This is a place of danger, safety, and, er… delicious granola bar snacks! Man, it's hard reading off these tiny flashcards.

Heather: Allow me. (She takes the flashcard) Each of you will go into the confessional and vote for the person you want to leave the island. Remember, you can't vote for Heather.

Courtney: That's not what it says!

Heather: Well, that's what it _should_ say. Seriously, this place would have no drama without me. (Chef snatches the flashcard away from her.)

Chef: OK, time to vote! Everybody line up at the confessional cam!

**Confession Cam**

**Heather: Who do **_**I **_**want to leave? Well, all the campers have ticked me off in some way or another. But I have to pick one. And I choose Leshawna. **

**Leshawna: Heather. The girl's a ***** ****** ********* ***** *** ****** ***** ***** ** ** **** *** ******************** disrespectful little*********************** ******* ***** **** *** ** ***** **** **** ***** ****** ********* ***** *** ****** ***** ***** donkey ** ** **** *** **************** *************************** ******* ***** **** *** ** ***** **** **** ***** **** up Chef's ***! Whew, that's a mouthful. **

**Izzy: I'm voting for old Cheffy-poo! I came across a stash of little American Girl dolls hidden in his closet. Seriously, that dude's planning something. **

**Owen: Man, I have no idea who to vote off! I love everybody so much! Especially that Justin! That's one fine butt. (He realizes what he just said, and slaps his hand to his forehead.)**

**Noah: Justin. I'm sick of guys who think good looks overpower brains. **

**Courtney: I'm voting for Gwen! Because she's stupid, conniving, boyfriend-stealing, slutty, goth, emo, retarded, racist, freaky, mental… **

**Gwen: Do I have to say it? Courtney. **

**Sierra: Every single one of those boys is going down! But do I have to say who I voted for this week? **

**Tyler: God, how do you flush this goddamn toilet? I'm voting off this toilet, it's so hard to flush. **

**Geoff: Heather. Sorry, babe. You're still super hot! (He clamps his hand over his mouth) You didn't hear that, Bridge! **

**Bridgette: Sierra. She's been so sexist lately! Sure, I stand up for women's rights and all, but she's just going over the edge!**

**Cody: Sierra. Save me, please.**

**Justin walks in, combs his hair, and walks back out.**

**Lindsay: Hmm… Lefonda or Helga? Or maybe Tyler? Man, I keep on forgetting who Tyler is! **

**DJ: I'm voting for myself. I gotta do what's right. **

**Chef: I'm voting, just for the fun of it. And I'm voting for all of them! Muahahahaha! **

**Beth: I don't know… I think I'll vote for Harold. It seems like he hasn't been having fun here. **

**Alejandro: There is only one person to vote off this week. That is Courtney. **

**Duncan: Hey, the girl's a bitch. **

**Eva: Lindsay! She was the worst partner ever! Either that, or Cody. He's been such a perv. **

**Katie and Sadie: We vote for Heather! Wow, that felt so good. **

**Harold (playing Pac man): C'mon, pacman, eat those dots!**

**Trent: *sigh*… I can't believe I'm saying this, but I vote for Gwen. She could have at least been grateful for me saving her!**

**End of Confessionals**

Chef: Hmm… a lot of you racked in quite a few votes. But only one will have to leave. When I call your name, come up, and claim your granola bar.

Noah: Granola bars? Seriously? Haven't you tortured us enough?

Chef: What do you think my answer to that question will be, egghead? Anyway, here we go! The egghead is safe, as well as the weird, screechy twins.

Katie and Sadie: Eeeeeeeeee!

Chef: OK! SHUT UP! (He points at Geoff) You. Come up here. (Geoff tentatively walks up to Chef. Chef leans in real close to him.) I have a secret to tell you. YOU'RE SAAAAAFE! (This makes Geoff go flying backwards and slam into the ground, but he is grinning.)

Chef: Now, let's see… the weird guitarist, and the geeky one, you're safe.

Cody: Woohoohoo! High-five, Trent! (He reaches forward for a high-five, but Trent just ignores him and walks away.) What's up with him?

Owen: He's probably constipated. One time, I was constipated. I was grouchy all week!

Chef: Fat one! Shut your mouth or I shut it for you! Juvenile one, you're safe. (Duncan and Gwen hug, and then Duncan walks up to get his granola bar. He unwraps it and examines the bar.)

Duncan: Hey, these look like chocolate chips.

Chef (grinning evilly): Those aren't chocolate chips.

Duncan: You mean…? That's sick.

Chef: Hey, it's a gourmet flavor in the Middle East! Now, Nintendo boy and pig girl are safe, as well as the ditsy blonde with the big bazooms.

Beth: Lindsay! We made it through another day!

Lindsay: Hooray! Wait, I better not be pig girl.

Chef: Stop talking and let me finish! Muscular one and horribly-uncoordinated one are safe. (Eva and Tyler stand up.)

Tyler: Ah, I see you must be the horribly-uncoordinated one. And I must be the muscular one! (He starts walking to get his granola bar, but trips over a ladybug, and lands facefirst on the ground)

Eva: Yeah, right, (She purposely steps on the jock as she makes her way to the plate of granola bars.)

Chef: As much as it pains me, the crazy one is safe.

Izzy: Hooray! Thanks, Cheffy-poo! Say, I really like your collection of American Girl dolls you have hidden in your closet.

Gwen: Wait… what?

Chef: Er… moving right along. The two pretty boys are safe. (Alejandro tries to high-five Justin, but finds Justin high-fiving his mirror.)

Justin: We made it through another day, gorgeous.

Harold: Now that's what I call narcissism.

Chef: DJ! You're safe!

Noah: Wait… why is his name the only one Chef's remembered so far?

Duncan: It's because of that illegal alliance they had back in season 2! He's probably plotting another one!

Chef: Am not! Now go back to eating your crap bar!

**Confession Cam**

**Chef: I might try to set up and illegal alliance with somebody. But definitely not DJ. He gave us away by episode 9! Shortest alliance ever! Except for that one with Blainelely. What were the writers thinking? **

**End of Confessionals**

Chef: Surfer one who looks good in a wetsuit. You're also safe!

Geoff: Chef! You're such a perv! Don't say that about my girlfriend!

Chef: Sorry. But it's true. (He turns to remaining campers, which are Heather, Leshawna, Owen, Courtney, Gwen, and Sierra.) Now the rest of you have racked up quite a few votes. One of you is leaving this place. For good. Man, I wish I were you. Did you know I always had dreams of being a figure skater? Not some stupid cook.

Heather: Just get on with it!

Chef: Hey! Don't interrupt me when I'm talking about my dreams! I also wanted to be a ballerina. Or maybe even nurse.

Owen: Chef? Can you hurry up? My stomach's rumbling for granola bars!

Chef: Hey! This is my way of building tension! Fine, the scary feminist one can get up and take a granola bar. (Sierra gets up and smiles evilly at Cody, who holds his granola bar up, almost in some sort of defense.)

Chef: The goth one can also get herself a granola bar.

Courtney: WHAT?

Gwen: Sorry, Courtney. But you won't be able to get me this week.

Duncan: Ha! Sweet! (Nobody notices Trent, who is shaking ever so slightly, his face turning red.)

Chef: The bitchy one! You're safe!

Courtney and Heather: Which one of us?

Noah: Hm. Finally recognizing yourselves for what you guys are.

Chef: I'm talkin' the one with the weird dots on her nose. What are those supposed to be, bingo spots?

Courtney: They're freckles! Now give me my granola bar!

Chef: Sure thing. You can have… this one. (He hands her one that says, "Fizzle")

Courtney: Hmm… this is a new flavor. Does it taste good?

Chef: Oh, yes. Yes it does. (Courtney unwraps it and pops it in her mouth. Immediately, her mouth starts to foam over, making her look like she has rabies. One she's spat it all out, Courtney gets angry.)

Courtney: What was that?

Chef: A mixture of Alka-Seltzer and water. A homemade specialty.

Courtney: You're horrible!

Chef: Hey, I like it. Now, which one of you three is going home? The fat one, the fat black one, or the other bitch?

Leshawna: I aint fat, fool! I'm just a curvaceous lady!

Chef: Whatever. Fat one, you're safe.

Owen: Hooray! (He grabs the two remaining granolas bars on the plate, but Chef slaps his hand.)

Chef: Only one, tub boat! That only leaves the "curvaceous" one and bitch. But only one will get the final granola bar. Who's it gonna be?

Alejandro: Please be Heather, please be Heather, please be Heather…

Chef: The final granola bar goes to…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

...

…

…

…

…

…

The "curvaceous" one.

Leshawna: Yeah! The booty gal wins one!

Heather: What? You mean I'm out?

Alejandro: This is outrageous! I refuse to let this happen!

Heather: Do you want to take my place?

Alejandro: Nah, I'm not that desperate.

Chef: Hey don't deny the votes. Now come with me! It's time to walk the dock of shame, and take the Boat of Losers!

Heather: And what if I don't wanna?

Chef: Oh, you're gonna. (And with that, he slings her over his shoulders and starts walking towards the boat of losers.)

Heather: Leshawna! I will get you someday! Just you wait!

Leshawna: Ha! Don't even bother yourself! I aint never gonna see you again!

Alejandro: Wait! Heather! I have something I want to give you! (He runs up to her and hands her a present. Heather examines it, and finds that it is a picture of Alejandro.)

Heather (sarcastically): That's so thoughtful.

Alejandro: One last kiss goodbye? (Heather starts to resist, but he pulls her in anyway. Heather struggles as Alejandro gives her a long, passionate kiss. When he pulls away, she shrugs.)

Heather: Thanks, I guess. (Chef starts to carry her away.)

Alejandro (calling after her): I will never forget you! Well, I might forget you in a couple years, but that's beside the point! (He watches sadly as Heather disappears from sight. Justin comes up and pats him on the back.)

Justin: It's OK, man. There's something I always do when I'm upset.

Alejandro: What's that?

Justin: Why, look in the mirror, of course! (Meanwhile, Chef is dragging Heather down the Dock of Shame by her hair.)

Heather: Ow! Could you be a little less rough? (In response, Chef yanks even harder. Suddenly, out of the corner of her eye, Heather sees a toque, sticking up next to the dock.) Wait… is that…? (Heather glances over at Chef, and then grins. She reaches up, grabs his baker's hat, and throws it into the water.)

Chef: NOOOO! MY HAT! (He jumps into the water to retrieve it. In this time, Heather walks over to the toque and yanks on it. She pulls up Ezekiel, who is coughing and hacking.)

Heather: What the heck are you doing, freak?

Ezekiel: I'm hiding, eh! I'm gonna revolt against Total Drama!

Heather: If that's the case, count me in. I was just wrongly voted off.

Ezekiel: You sure? Revolting is dangerous stuff.

Heather: Let's just go before Chef catches us! (Together, the two jump into the water, and swim away, into the moonlight. Just a few seconds later, Chef jumps onto the dock, soaking wet. He wrings his hat of water and pulls off a crab that is clinging to his moustache.)

Chef: Where'd that girl go? She run off? Whatever. Now I don't have to go drive that boat. (He walks back to his trailer, to get a nice foot massage.

_**Meanwhile…**_

(Trent finds her exactly where he thought he would. She is standing behind the Screaming Ivy cabin, in the shadows. She seems to be expecting him.)

?: I knew you would come.

Trent: Well, you know what I came for.

?: You've made a good decision, you know that?

Trent: Whatever. It's all because of Gwen. I just saved her life, and she runs to _Duncan_ instead of me!

?: Well, that's all you can expect from a girl like her.

Trent: So… is the alliance still on? (The figure steps out of the shadows and grins.)

Courtney: Where do we begin?

**What will become of this new Total Drama alliance?**

**Will we ever find out who Noah's crush is? **

**Will Chris ever wake up, or will Chef have to be the host forever? Let's hope not. **

**What might Ezekiel be planning to do with Heather? **

**And what will be the insane challenges of tomorrow?**

**See for yourself on the next stupendous episode of **

**Total Drama Returns!**

**Eliminated: Heather**

**Still in the game: Noah, Katie, Sadie, Cody, Trent, Duncan, Lindsay, Beth, Harold, Eva, Tyler, Izzy, Owen, Sierra, Alejandro, Gwen, Courtney, Leshawna, Justin, Geoff, Bridgette, DJ**

**Elsewhere: Ezekiel**

**Note: Sorry to all Heather fans. I know she was a great antagonist, but now someone else can become one. I'm not sure who, yet. Any ideas about who the antagonist of the series should be is great. I am not booting people on how much I like them. I am booting them on their relevance to the story. And this week, it was just Heather's time to go. Sorry. **

**Votes: **

Heather— Leshawna

Leshawna— **Heather**

Izzy— Chef

Owen— Leshawna

Noah— Justin

Courtney— Gwen

Gwen— Courtney

Sierra— Cody

Tyler— Toilet? No wait—Owen.

Geoff— **Heather**

Bridgette— Sierra

Cody— Sierra

Justin— Owen

Lindsay— Leshawna

DJ— DJ

Beth— Harold

Alejandro— Courtney

Duncan— Courtney

Eva— Lindsay

Katie— **Heather**

Sadie— **Heather**

Harold— Owen

Trent— Gwen

**Heather: 4**

Leshawna: 3

Owen: 3

Courtney: 3

Gwen: 2

Sierra: 2

Cody: 1

Lindsay: 1

Harold: 1

Justin: 1

DJ: 1

Chef: 1


	6. Day 2 Part 1: A Rather Wet Morning

**Total Drama Returns**

The Cheesebub's Message: Welcome to Day 2, people. This particular day, which will most likely be split into 3-4 parts, will mostly center around the love triangle/square/pentagon (depending on who you include), as well as the revolution of Ezekiel. Expect cursing, mature humor (mostly perviness on the boys' part), and plenty of action (though none of it gory).

Chris Mclean: Last time on Total Drama Returns… The campers arrived back at Camp Wawanakwa, for another season of hilarious challenges, dangerous friendships, and sickly food! They were put into two separate teams, the Screaming Ivy and Killer Redwoods, and then locked in their cabins to bond. Sensing some tension going on between some of them (a.k.a Courtney and Gwen/Heather and Leshawna), the reward and immunity challenges for that day centered around getting to know your fellow teammates First, each competitor was forced to make out with another camper on their team! The Killer Redwoods won the reward, due to Courtney refusing to kiss Trent, because his "ninetmare" was getting to be just too much. Courtney, I don't blame you for anything. That boy was starting to freak me out, too. The immunity challenge for the day was a blindfolded trust race to finish line. The Screaming Ivies were the first to have all their pairs back. Unfortunately for them, Courtney had left Gwen behind, but Trent swooped in to save the day and win it for his team, only to find Gwen and a certain punk playing kissy face! This would later drive him to start an alliance with perhaps the most surprising of all: Courtney! The Killer Redwoods found themselves facing elimination, but when I fainted, er I mean, fell asleep due to MY DIARY GETTING STOLEN, it was Chef's responsibility to run elimination, but the damn bastard couldn't even remember who had won! So he had to host one big ceremony, which, let me tell you, actually _did_ add some drama. Good job on that one, Chef. In the end, Heather was voted off, but just might've tagged along with a certain rebellious homeschool named Ezekiel, which, mind you, I WILL KILL HIM ON THE SPOT WHEN I FIND HIM! But enough about that. It's time for another exciting, disgusting, and sexy episode of… TOTAL DRAMA RETURNS! Whew, that's a mouthful. Can't they make these prologues shorter?

**(Theme Song Plays)**

**Day 2 Part 1-Chapter 6: ** **A Rather Wet Morning (nothing suggestive)**

(It is a beautiful dawn at Camp Wawankwa. The birds are chirping, the squirrels are collecting nuts, and the gay hosts are getting their early morning manicures.)

**Screaming Ivy Cabin (Males)**

Cody (staring into the peephole): Heeheehee… (Duncan hears the geek's giggles and rolls out of bed to join him.)

Duncan: God, you really are a perv.

Cody: Gwen's really beautiful when she sleeps, you know that?

Duncan: Yeah.

Cody: I mean, her eyes practically glow!

Duncan: Yeah. I guess.

Cody: She's got a fit body. Nice curves.

Duncan: Umm, Ok…

Cody: Not to mention nice, perky tits.

Duncan: Hey, that's my girlfriend you're talking about!

Cody: Hey! Check this out! Panties! I see them on the other side! I bet I can reach them! (He sticks his hand through the peephole.)

Duncan: Dude, what the f*** are you doing, dude? You're gonna get us caught!

Cody: Hey, I've already got a bra! A pair of panties will complete the set!

Duncan: Don't do it, man!

Cody: Wait a minute. It looks like they're from Gwen!

Duncan: Please, continue. (Trent wakes up and scowls.)

Trent: Dude, why would you want the panties of that goth emo?

Duncan: Uh, the last time I checked, she was my girlfriend. I like having the panties of my girlfriend.

Trent: But I mean, how can you like her? She's a freak!

Duncan: What's changed you? You used to be drooling at her feet! (Noah gets out of bed and raises an eyebrow.)

Noah: Yeah. Is there something you're not telling us, Dr. Nine?

Trent: Nope. I just moved on.

Cody: Wait! I think I got it! Yeah! I've got it! I've got it!

Duncan: Well pull it back, man! (Cody tries to tug, but finds it stuck in place. He tries to let go of it, but finds that his hand is stuck to it, as well.)

Cody: My hand's stuck! These panties are all wet and sticky! (Noah raises an eyebrow at this. Suddenly, the underwear starts to move across the floor, tugging Cody's arm farther and farther through the hole. Alejandro and Justin wake up, and run over.)

Alejandro: What is going on, amigos?

Cody: The panties are dragging me away!

Justin: I'm not even gonna ask what he means by that. (Meanwhile, Eva, on the other side, is grinning evilly as she reels in her catch with a fishing rod.)

Eva: Gonna catch you for the perverts you are! (She keeps on tugging and the panties move farther across the floor.)

Cody: Guys, help me!

Trent: Quick! Everybody pull as hard as you can! (All the guys grab onto Cody and start to pull.)

Noah: Why couldn't this just be a normal morning?

Cody: GUYS! PULL HARDER!

Eva: You're not getting away that easy! (Her muscles bulge larger and larger as she pulls. The rest of the Screaming Ivy girls wake up by the racket.)

Lindsay: Why does Edgar have a fishing rod?

Gwen: Eva! What are you doing?

Courtney: That's it. She's officially gone insane!

Eva: I set up a booby trap!

Duncan: Hey, leave boobies out of this.

Gwen: Duncan? What are you doing over there?

Duncan: Nothing, nothing… Just go back to bed, sweetheart.

Courtney: I demand an explanation!

Eva: Let the perverts explain it! (Her face turning completely red, she hooks herself to the bed and then starts reeling so fast that her arm becomes a blur. The boys cannot compete with her superior strength, and Cody goes crashing through the wall, pulling the guys along with him. The entire wall crumbles, sending up a spray of plaster and wood. Once the cloud clears away, the girls are all glaring at the guys, who mumble and shrug.)

Beth: What were you guys doing?

Alejandro: Ah, Beth! You're beautiful smile in the morning makes my day!

Beth: That isn't going to help you get out of this! Even if we _are_ going out!

Alejandro: Oh. Then perhaps, _this_ will. (He reaches forward, and pulls her into a long and wet kiss.)

Noah: OK, that's not something I need to see the moment I wake up. (Finally, Beth pulls away from Alejandro.)

Beth: Your breath smells like tacos. I like tacos.

Alejandro: Your breath smells like sewage water. I love sewage water.

Duncan: You're both really annoying. And I _hate _annoying!

Courtney: Shut up, gangster! You have no right to speak! I want someone to tell me what the meaning of this is right now!

Cody: Hey chill, sister. The Code-meister's got this under control.

Gwen: Why do you have my underwear?

Eva: He's a frickin' pervert, that's why!

Cody: Hey, I'll give them back. Sheesh. (He walks up to Gwen and hands them to her. In response, she slaps him across the face.)

Cody (reeling backwards): Hey, babe, what was that for?

Gwen: What do you think? Eww… they're coated in honey.

Noah: Whew, that's a relief. I thought it might've been something else.

Gwen: What's that supposed to mean?

Noah: Nothing. Now what are we gonna do about this wall?

Duncan: Hey, it's an improvement. Now there's nothing separating us. (He winks at Gwen.)

Justin: Well, I don't know about you all, but I'm leaving. I hear that being in a stuffy room with this many people is bad for my complexion. (He walks to the door and tries the handle. To Justin's horror, it's locked.)

Noah: Just, great. Izzy, what'd you do?

Izzy: What? You know about the missiles?

Noah: Er… never mind.

Gwen: Uh… I get claustrophobic. Like, real fast.

Lindsay: And even worse! I left all my makeup in the bathroom! This is the end of the world as we know it!

Trent: Guys, calm down. It's obviously just another trick by Chris.

Beth: But what if it isn't? What if we're locked in here forever?

Izzy: Oh my gosh, this is so exciting! I wonder if we'll have to eat each other, like the Donner party! I call eating Noah's forehead!

Justin: Nobody's gonna be eating me! My body is just too beautiful to go to waste. Man, it's so stuffy in here! I feel like the walls are closing in on me. I have to get out of here! (He starts to run around in circles around the cabin. Suddenly, everybody hears a loud clang. The turn to see Justin lying on the ground, clutching his groin. Jutting out in front of him is a long steel pipe.)

Gwen: Hmm… was that there earlier? (Suddenly, there is a low shaking sound in the wall. Just a couple of seconds later, a huge blast of water starts erupts out of the pipe. It keeps going, and soon, the room starts to fill up with water.)

Justin: No! Not water! Anything but water! It will make my beautiful body wrinkle up like a prune!

Beth: The door's still locked! We're trapped!

Courtney: Guys, let's all just remain calm. Chris will come and rescue us.

Izzy: Hey guys! I know what to do! (She reaches over and rips the pipe out of the wall, leaving behind a gaping hole. Izzy bends down and peers in.)

Izzy: There. All better—(She is cut off by a huge, gushing wave of water slamming into her face. She is thrown backwards and slams into a wall.)

Izzy: Fun!

Noah (staring down at the water that is now up to his thighs): Yeah, were all doomed.

**Confession Cam**

**Noah: Seriously, Izzy is going to be the end of me. **

**Gwen (soaking wet): CHRIS! This was your worst idea yet! **

**Cody: Eh, I'm pretty sad we lost the peephole. But hey, now there's nothing separating me from my subjects: the ladies! **

**Eva: Nobody gives me any credit for putting an end to the boy's perviness! It's like those girls **_**like**_** being spied on!**

**End of Confessionals**

**Killer Redwoods Cabin (Males)**

(Meanwhile, the boys of the Killer Redwoods have woken up to find their room filling up with water, as well.)

DJ: Guys! There's water comin' out of the wall!

Harold: Owen! Did you flood the toilet again?

Owen: I never get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night! That's why I wear a diaper to sleep.

Geoff: Dude, you did not need to tell us that.

Tyler: Calm down, guys. I was the best swimmer on my swim team back home! I'll get us all out of here!

DJ: And exactly who else was on your swim team?

Tyler: Well, there was a first grader named Billy… and a kindergartner named Steve…

Geoff: So, pretty much, all kids who were ten years younger than you.

Tyler: No! There was one fifth grader, too.

DJ: I don't wanna drown!

Harold: Hey, guys, seriously, it's not that big a deal. (He goes back to playing his Nintendo DS.)

Geoff: Wait, where's your weird water cover thingy for your Nintendo DS? (Harold looks at his Nintendo DS and shrieks like a little girl.)

Harold: Georgina's not wearing it! WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE! (He runs over to the door and tries the handle, but finds it locked.) THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Geoff: Wait! Dudes, I have an idea! We can use Owen to plug up the pipe!

Tyler: I don't need some fat guy to save me! (He dives into the water, which is ankle-deep, and immediately starts drowning.) Help! Somebody save me!

Geoff: Dude, the water's ankle-deep. (Tyler stops splashing)

Tyler: Oh. I knew that.

DJ: Try the windows!

Owen: Locked. Man, this really sucks. And I'm so hungry, too! All I have left in my bag is a jar of peanut butter, a loaf of bread, five hot dogs, four hamburgers, three ham sandwiches, some macaroni and cheese, a few slices of cake, some roast beef, a cheese soufflé, a calzone, a bag of chicken nuggets, ten tacos, two churros, a couple of eggs, about a hundred power bars, a box of graham crackers, two chocolate bars, and five bags of marshmallows! Barely even enough to keep me going for an hour!

Harold: That gives me an idea! We can stuff Owen's food in the pipe to slow down the flow of water!

Geoff: That just might work.

Tyler: C'mon, dudes, do it! I'm drowning here! Oh, I think it's engulfing me-

DJ: The water's still only knee-deep, Tyler.

Tyler: I knew that. (Geoff and DJ run over to Owen's bag, but find it blocked by the fat boy himself.)

Owen: Who said I ever agreed to any of this?

Geoff: It's life or death, dude! What are you gonna pick? (Suddenly, Owen reaches into his bag and pulls out a box of granola. Geoff's eyes get wide with hunger.)

Owen: You like that cereal, don't you? (Geoff reaches forward, but Owen moves the box just out of his reach.) You won't get the cereal if we get rid of all my food.

Geoff: Cereal… cereal…

DJ: Geoff! Snap out of it, man!

Owen: So… is that a "yes" on the cereal and a "no" on the stuffing my food in a pipe? (Geoff nods.) Good. Then it's settled. Now to have a couple marshmall—(Before Owen can finish the sentence, Harold's foot sinks into his giant belly, sending him toppling backwards, unconscious.)

Harold: Let us save my video games!

**Confession Cam**

**Harold: Yes, I will do anything for my beloved Georgina. She is my world, my life. (He grins seductively at his Nintendo DS) You know, Georgina, you're not the only one with a nice, big stylus. (He glares at the camera.) Give us some privacy! Gosh! **

**Killer Redwoods Cabin (Females)**

(Leshawna yawns and stretches, then grins.)

Leshawna: No wonder I'm so happy. I'm never gonna have to look at Heather's face again! Today is a good day. (She climbs out of bed, and is immediately engulfed in water. After a couple of seconds of sinking to the bottom, she rises to the surface and coughs miserably.)

Leshawna: I knew I could never have a perfect morning here! (The rest of the girls wake up.)

Bridgette: What the heck is going on? (She jumps into the water and paddles over to the pipe, which is gushing out water.) Where did this come from?

Katie and Sadie: Eeeeeee! Pool Party! (The two twin friends jump in with a huge splash. They float there for a moment, looking at each other.)

Katie: Wait… do you know how to swim?

Sadie: No.

Katie: I don't think I do either. (They float there for a couple seconds, and then start splashing crazily.)

Katie and Sadie: Help! We don't know how to swim! (As they flail, they splash water into Leshawna's face.)

Leshawna: Gah! Salt water in my eyes! It burns! It burns!

Sierra: Well, duh. You couldn't expect Chris to use regular water. They don't have that kind of budget on the show. And it adds a little pain to the game.

Bridgette: Wait… this is Chris's doing?

Sierra: Seriously, you need to get your Total Drama facts right. Why else would the water start gushing out of the wall at this exact time?

Leshawna: I bet Owen just overflowed the toilet. Seriously, that boy takes _dumps_.

Bridgette: Guys, we need to stop worrying about _how _this happened and about _how_ we're going to fix it.

Sierra: Well there's a valve to shut off the water behind the 172nd panel of the wall. You turn that clockwise!

Bridgette: How do you know so much about this place?

Sierra: You can't call yourself a Total Drama scholar without knowing the basic architectural structure of the place.

**Confession Cam**

**Sierra: Yes, I think I can safely call myself a genius when it comes to this show. (She grins wickedly) I'm also a genius of using lethal weapons. Which, I plan on using sometime soon on Cody. **

**Bridgette: Nobody should know that much about this place! Nobody! What does she do, sit in her bedroom and read the maintenance plans?**

**Sierra (reading a huge document titled "Maintenance Plan"): Oooh… interesting place to hide your lipstick, Chris.**

**End of Confessionals**

Bridgette: That will work… but which one's the 172nd panel of the wall?

Sierra: OK, I'm not _that _smart…

Bridgette: Okay, guys, just stay calm. I'm gonna count the tiles along the wall until I find the valve.

Leshawna: You better hurry! The water's already past my perfectly sculpted chest! (Bridgette dives under the water and starts to count the tiles.)

Sadie: This is so fun! It's just like that movie we once saw!

Katie: You mean the one where the teens have the super groovy pool party?

Sadie: No. The one where water fills up in a room and everybody drowns.

Katie: Oh. I didn't like that movie. It was _way _too corny.

Sierra: Uh, girls? Not really helping with the whole "surviving" thing. (Bridgette rises to the surface, splashing and coughing.)

Bridgette: That's thirty-eight. (She dives back under.)

Sierra: Ladies, while she is doing her business, I have a proposal to make. We should join together to vote off the boys!

Leshawna: Sounds good to me. But we aint voting off my dear Harold, you got that?

Katie: But… I thought he didn't like you!

Leshawna: Oh, he's just a confused little soul right now. He'll figure out what he truly wants soon enough.

Sierra: You mean his Nintendo DS?

Leshawna: No! I mean my perfect booty!

Sierra: Harold, in my opinion, is the first person to have voted off. He's a weirdo! And his nose is big!

Leshawna: Then you can forget any alliance! (Bridgette comes back up, coughing miserably.)

Bridgette: That's the 134th! (She dives back under.)

Leshawna: Uh-oh! The water's up to my mouth! Pttooh! It tastes disgusting! Like… urine!

Sadie: What? I got a little frightened when I started drowning! (Bridgette comes up and hacks, spitting out water.)

Bridgette: I got to the 172nd, but still no valve!

Sierra: Oh. Maybe it was the 345th… yeah, I think that was it… (Bridgette slaps her hand to her forehead.)

**Screaming Ivy Cabin**

Courtney (standing in water up to her chin): Anybody got any bright ideas about how to fix this?

Justin: The water's already up to my perfect chin! Gah! Now it's up to my perfect lips!

Eva: GET ME OUT OF HERE! (She starts slamming her fists into the door.)

Beth: There's no hope! We're never getting out of here! (Alejandro puts a hand on her shoulder.)

Alejandro: If that is the case, then the last face I want to see before I die is yours.

Beth: Aww… that's so sweet!

Noah: More like revolting. It still astounds me how some people can just get played over and over again. (He turns to Izzy, who is drinking the water through a straw.) What the heck are you doing?

Izzy: Mmmm…. salty. With a faint taste of urine.

Cody: Oh. Sorry about that.

Courtney: You're disgusting! (She looks at Trent.) I know you have a plan. Spit it out. (Trent doesn't respond. He is too busy watching Gwen and Duncan, who are clinging to each other in fear, and his whole body is vibrating ever so slightly.)

Courtney: Never mind.

**Confession Cam**

**Courtney: Hmm… maybe joining an alliance with Trent wasn't the best idea.**

**End of Confessionals**

Eva: That's it! I'm gonna get us out of here! (She runs over to Cody's bed and picks up a pair of his tighty-whities.)

Cody: Whoa, girl, I didn't know you wanted them so badly. Well, go right ahead.

Eva: These are perfect to use as a slingshot! I can just aim something at the door, and it will break open!

Lindsay: Well, hurry! My mascara's running!

Trent: Who wears makeup to bed?

Justin: I do! And my mascara's running, too!

Eva: I just need something to fling. Something that's small and light and can travel at a fast enough velocity, but heavy enough to break down the door. (She turns to Cody and grins.)

Cody: No. You can't possibly—(He is cut off by Eva picking him by the collar loading him into his underwear.) No! I refuse! This is completely insane! This is completely—

Noah: Hey man, just take one for the team.

Eva: Shut up. I'm trying to aim. (She pulls the underwear back.) Got it… got it…

Cody: Lord, please let me survive this. (After a few more seconds of aiming, Eva fires. Cody flies through the air and smashes into the door. He bores a clean hole straight through it and shoots off into the distance. Immediately, the water starts draining out of the room. Justin runs over and kicks down the door.)

Justin: I'm getting out of here! (The Screaming Ivies run out the door, soaking wet.)

Gwen: So now what do we do?

Duncan: Find Chris and murder him? (Suddenly, Chris walks out of his trailer.)

Chris: Whoa. No need for the death threats, people.

Eva: You were responsible for this, weren't you?

Chris: Maybe. But it doesn't matter now, right? You guys all survived.

Courtney: Yeah, but our stuff is soaking wet, now!

Chris: Hey, not my problem. Now, Screaming Ivy, you get to sit back, relax, and wait for the Killer Redwoods to solve their little "water problem".

Beth: Why did you do this to us?

Chris: It's all in the mood of today's challenge. You'll see soon enough.

**Killer Redwoods Cabin (Females)**

(The water is now almost touching the ceiling. Soon, the entire room will be filled with water.)

Bridgette: There! I found the valve!

Sierra: Turn it clockwise! Turn it clockwise! (Bridgette grabs the handle and yanks it around hard. Immediately, the water shuts off.)

Leshawna: OK, the water's shut off… but we're still f**kin trapped!

Sierra: I would prefer that you elicit all the explicit swearwords out of your dialogue.

Leshawna: I'll swear all I like when I'm about to die!

**Killer Redwoods Cabin (Males) **

Tyler: There… that's all of Owen's food. (All the boys are treading water now, but at least the water flow has stopped.)

Geoff: Aw man, I really would have liked to eat that granola.

Harold (holding his Nintendo DS above his head): Can't… let… Georgina… get wet!

DJ: Hey, guys, at least were safe. And that's all that matters.

Tyler: Yeah, and I can tread water for hours. Years of training have helped my accomplish that. (Suddenly, he remembers something.) Where's Owen?

Geoff: You're right… where is the dude? (Suddenly, they see a splash at the other end of the room.)

DJ: Did you guys see that? (Suddenly, the Jaws theme music starts to play.)

Geoff: Owen? Is that you, buddy? We're really sorry about your food and all. (In the murky water, they can see a shadow passing underneath them.)

DJ (in squeaky voice): Owen? (Suddenly, Tyler starts sinking.)

Tyler: Something's got my leg! It's pulling me down!

Geoff: Quick! Everybody pull! (Geoff and DJ grab onto Tyler's head and yank hard.)

Tyler: Youch! No need to decapitate me! (Geoff and DJ continue to pull, stretching Tyler's neck farther and farther. Finally, the jock comes up, and clinging to his leg is none other than Owen, a mad look in his eyes.)

Owen: My food… give me my food…

Geoff: Owen, we already agreed on this. We used your food to clog up the pipe.

Owen: MY FOOD! MY FOOD! (He flails out in mad rampage and grabs onto DJ's beard, yanking it fiercely.)

DJ: Yowch! My beard! (Owen tugs so hard that he rips it off. Grinning at it as if it were a luxury morsel, he stuffs it in his mouth. The other guys in the room all watch this in utter horror.)

Harold: Well, that was disturbing. (He goes back to playing Nintendo DS)

Tyler: What are we gonna do? He's probably going to try to eat me, next. After all, I am the most muscular. (He flexes his muscles proudly. Suddenly, Geoff's eyes light up.)

Geoff: I've got an idea. (He swims over to the door and floats in front of it.) Owen! Over here! (Owen turns to him and snarls.)

Geoff: Come and get me! I'm premium cut!

Owen (swimming towards him): FOOD! (Owen is about to ram into Geoff, when, at the last second, the party boy jumps up into the air. Owen continues to charge, however, and smashes right through the door. The door topples over, draining the water from the room. The rest of the male Killer Redwoods step out after him.)

Geoff: Never underestimate the power of Owen.

Tyler: I could've done that. (He winks at Lindsay.)

Chris: Well done, boys.

Owen: Mmm… well done. I like my burgers that way.

Geoff: So… where's Bridgette?

Chris: Currently? Treading water for her life.

Geoff: No! Not my Fiber One female! She might drown!

Chris: Eh, I guess we can open the door.

Courtney: What? But that would be cheating! This is a reward challenge, after all!

Chris: You actually thought this was a reward challenge? That's hilarious!

Trent: Then what was the point of what you just put us through?

Chris: That was just to prepare you for today's challenge. Get you used to the water. (He walks over to the Killer Redwoods female side and opens the door. Instantly, a blast of water slams into his body, sending him flying backwards and into the branches of a tree.)

Courtney (giggling): Well, _you_ definitely just got used to the water.

Chris: Auggh! And it took me so long to style my hair this morning! Chef, can you get me down? (Meanwhile, the female Killer Redwoods have stepped out of the cabin, all soaking wet.)

Geoff: Bridgette! I missed you, babe! (He runs out and scoops her up in a big hug.)

Bridgette: It's only been one night since the last time we saw each other!

Geoff: And that one night was the worst of my life. (He kisses her on the lips.)

**Confession Cam**

**Bridgette: Sometimes, I think Geoff gets just a tad bit too clingy. **

**Chris: I'm still pretty annoyed at that Ezekiel for stealing my diary. Actually, annoyed is an understatement. If I find that twerp, I will kill him slowly and painfully! Luckily, our specialty teams (a.k.a. Chef) have searched the island. They haven't seen any signs of him lately. Maybe he's decided to bug off. **

**Ezekiel: Yeah, I'm in hiding right now with that foxy chick. It aint too bad right now, eh. But when the time comes, I'll strike! And he's gonna let both me and Heather back into the game!**

**End of Confessionals**

Chris (soaking wet): Not the best awakening, I have to say. So, as you guys probably know right now, the challenges are all gonna be water-based today.

Noah: Just great. And what about the few of us that can't swim?

Chris: You'll be given specialty CPR by Chef Hatchet. (Chef puckers his lips.)

Noah: That's gonna give me a lot of motivation not to drown.

Courtney: I demand a prize for the Screaming Ivy! We won, after all.

Chris: Fine. You get… breakfast! (Chef reaches into his pocket and throws each of them a granola bar.)

Leshawna: And we don't?

Chris: Hey, we're on a tight budget here. We can't feed all of you.

Owen: You mean… no food?

Chris: Well, we'll give you a granola bar, just because we don't you burning down our trailer. The rest of you can live.

Tyler: So, what's the first water challenge? I hope it's rowing. I'm an expert at that!

Lindsay: I hope it's shopping.

Tyler: Uh, Lindsay? I don't think shopping is a water challenge.

Lindsay: Not if you're shopping for bathing suits!

Chris: Enough, campers. If you will, follow me to the docks. And put on you're water-proof gear, cause it's gonna get _wet_!

**What kind of insane water challenges are in store for our campers? **

**Hasn't Chris tortured them enough? NEVER!**

**What might happen if Owen gets too hungry?**

**Can Trent deal with watching Gwen and Duncan makeout?**

**And will Chris get his next shipment of hair gel in the next week?**

**Find out on the next fun-filled, watertastic episode of**

**Total Drama Returns! **

**Note: Still trying to decide on an antagonist. Any ideas would be great. **


	7. Day 2 Part 2: Surf's Up At Wawanakwa

**Total Drama Returns**

The Cheesebub's Message: Sorry about the late update, I was caught up in a while tone of homework this week… Ah, well, on with the show!

**Day 2 Part 2—Chapter 7: Surf's Up at Wawankwa**

Chris: Enough, campers. If you will, follow me to the docks. And put on your water-proof gear, cause it's gonna get _wet_! (The campers put on their bathing suits, and follow him to the docks.)

Duncan: Oh, great. What kind of challenges are they gonna be? Water balloon toss?

DJ: I hate water balloon toss! It's scary!

Justin: I feel you, man. I hate getting wet.

Eva: You're all a bunch of wimps. What, are you afraid of a little water?

Noah: I'm much more afraid about what kinds of creatures live in that toxic ocean. What's been polluting it so much?

Chris: Excellent question, Noah. Two contributing factors: bigger factories and Owen. (Everybody turns to the lovable tub of lard, who shrugs.)

Owen: What? Sometimes I can't make it to the bathroom!

Gwen: Yeah, I'm not going in that water.

Courtney: What, afraid your overly applied makeup will run?

Gwen: Owen's been taking craps in that water! Who would want to go in there? (They all hear a loud splash, and see Izzy, floating around in the water.)

Izzy: Ooh… it's nice and warm. And there's a nice, squishy bottom!

Chris: I think I'm gonna throw up. Anyway, moving right along… It's time for today's reward challenge! Get your long-boards out and high-ten! We're going surfing!

Geoff: Sweet! My Bridge is awesome at that!

Bridgette: Er… it's been a while since I last surfed… I might be rusty…

Geoff: Nonsense! You're a superstar, babe!

**Confession Cam**

**Geoff: Hey, I still feel bad about making out with Leshawna yesterday. So now, I'll compliment Bridgette all the time! Like how she's such an intelligent person, and she's got such a nice round butt… (He thinks for a second) Eh, I should probably not use that one. **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: Each of the teams will pick their top three surfers. Then, in three face offs, we'll see who can ride the waves better! Best two out of three wins.

Geoff: I volunteer Bridgette for our team!

Bridgette: I don't know, Geoff. It really has been a long time since I surfed.

Geoff: Please? For me?

Bridgette: Alright. What's the worst that can happen?

Harold: I want to go, too! My mad skillz will come in handy!

Leshawna: Aren't you too busy playin' that stupid electronic device of yours?

Harold: Georgina? Never! In fact, she's never been surfing before. It will be a new experience for her!

Leshawna: Fine. Anybody else know how to surf?

Tyler: Oh, I do! Pick me! Pick me! I know how! I know how! Did you know that I was once a professional surfer?

DJ: You were?

Tyler: No. But I can still surf!

Geoff: Whatever. I guess that's Harold, Bridgette, and Tyler. (Meanwhile, the Screaming Ivies are also picking their people.)

Gwen: Duncan, you did pretty well in Season 2's surfing challenge.

Trent: Yeah, but that was a simulation! I bet he sucks at surfing!

Gwen: Can you surf?

Trent: No.

Gwen: Then don't interfere!

Courtney: Hey, he can interfere all he likes!

Duncan: Since when have you ever stood up for Dr. Nine? What, are you two dating or something now?

Courtney: No! We just have a common purpose! And that is hating the likes of you!

Gwen: What? Don't tell me you've dragged Trent into this, too!

Duncan: Where is guitar boy, anyway?

Gwen: Yeah! He just disappeared!

Courtney: Whatever. Let's just pick the other two surfers.

**Confession Cam**

**(All one Confessional) **

**Trent: Let's just say I'll do anything to win. Anything. **

**Justin (from outside the Porta Potty): Hey, that was my line from Season 2!**

**Trent: Whatever. At least I'm going through with it, instead of becoming the lamest villain ever to hit Total Drama. As I was saying, I can and will do whatever it takes to make sure that this season, I'm taking home the big ones. **

**End of Confessionals **

Bridgette (to herself): I don't know… (She stares down at the surfboard in her hands and sighs. Somebody taps her on the back. Turning around, she sees Trent, holding a slick, glass surfboard.)

Bridgette: Can I help you?

Trent: Oh, I don't think you can help me. In fact, I think I can help you.

Bridgette: What do you mean? You're from the other team!

Trent: Yes, but I know why you haven't been surfing lately. You've been gaining pounds.

Bridgette: How do you know this? Why are you here? I want to know the meaning of this right now!

Trent: I have a surfboard that can help you win. Observe. (He holds out the surfboard.) It has straps for your feet so you won't fall off. And it never tips over.

Bridgette: I don't need that!

Trent: I think you do. (Bridgette pauses for a moment, and then sighs.)

Bridgette: Yeah, I know I need it. But why would you give it to me?

Trent: I want this to be a fair fight. (Bridgette grins.)

Bridgette: You know, Trent, I'm surprised Gwen chose Duncan over you. You seem like a really nice guy.

Trent: I don't care about Gwen anymore. All I care about is myself.

Bridgette: If you only care about yourself, you wouldn't have given me this surfboard. (She suddenly realizes that Trent has disappeared) What, does he have a teleportation device or something? (Meanwhile, the Screaming Ivy are still deciding on their representatives.)

Izzy: I can surf! (She gets out of the water and finds she is caked in brown gunk.) Oops.

Noah: Sure, we could sign you up, but I bet you anything you'd find some way to maul me with a surfboard.

Gwen: Do you want to volunteer for our team, Noah?

Noah: Fine! Sign her up! Now who else wants to volunteer?

Beth: Can't Eva surf?

Eva: I don't surf. That's a girly sport.

Gwen: You may not want to, Eva, but you're our only hope!

Eva: Fine! But don't expect me to put on some bikini! (Justin sees this as a chance to seduce her.)

Justin: But you would look so nice in one. After all, you are such a beautiful—(He is interrupted by Eva's fist slamming into his face, sending him spiraling backwards, a huge indent where his nose used to be.)

Justin: Gah! My nose! My perfect, perfect nose! Did you know that people paid money just to watch me pick it? That's how perfect it was!

Eva: Don't try to seduce me. You'll only end up with more broken bones.

Justin: Bones are nothing! What about my facial capillaries which you so viciously destroyed just a few seconds ago!

Eva: Shut up. I'm trying to prepare for a surfing challenge, and I don't need you and your bony butt in my way.

Justin: My butt is not bony! It is ripe and juicy! My butt is world-class!

Duncan: Yeah… this is getting awkward. (Alejandro pats Justin on the back.)

Alejandro: You'll learn how to seduce soon enough. But for now, please shut up. You'll only get yourself eliminated.

Justin: But—

Alejandro: Shut up, Justin.

**Confession Cam**

**Alejandro: I thought that starting an alliance with Justin would be useful. But so far, he's proving himself to be a complete buffoon! **

**Eva: Justin is going down. **

**Justin: Eh, I think my team still loves me. **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: OK! We have our volunteers! Izzy, Eva, and Duncan from the Screaming Ivy, and Harold, Tyler, and Bridgette from the Killer Redwoods! First match, Izzy versus Harold! Prepare your surfboards, and then hit the water!

Harold: Oh yeah! You're so going down, Izzy! Wait, where is she—(He is cut off by Izzy tackling him to the ground. She takes her pointer finger and slams it into every single one of his pressure points, making him fall over, unable to move.)

Izzy: Did I win?

Chris: No, Izzy. You see, this is not a fighting match. It's a surfing match.

Izzy: Oh.

Bridgette: Well, Harold certainly can't compete, now! He can't even move!

Sierra: He deserves it, the boy does.

Leshawna: WHAT? How can you say that about my dear sweet Harold! (She turns to Chris) I'll take the place of my sugar baby!

Chris: Are you sure? You might sink the—

Leshawna: I dare you to finish that sentence.

Chris: Er… never mind. Leshawna and Izzy, hit the water! (The two girls mount their surfboards and start paddling out.)

Leshawna (looking at her legs, which are sticky from the brown water sludge): Oh man, I can't wait to have a shower after this!

Izzy: Oh, don't worry, Leshawna, since the water's brown, it blends right into your skin!

Leshawna: You're a racist little bitch, aren't you?

Izzy: No, I'm just reassuring you, in case you were worried.

Leshawna: Hey, were pretty far out now, aren't we? (The beach is now just a strip of sand.) The only thing I can actually see is your boyfriend.

Izzy: Who, Owen? Yeah, he's gigantic. That's one problem with hanging around him so much. All the search planes scanning for me can see him from one hundred miles away!

Leshawna: Why do you even date him? The boy's gross! Like, real gross! We're swimmin' in his own sh**, in case you've forgotten.

Izzy: I know, and it's so awesome! His poop might have giant tapeworms swimming around in it!

Leshawna: Giant… tapeworms?

Chris (speaking through a megaphone): Attention, campers! It's time to ride the waves!

Leshawna: How are you gonna do that? There's not a single wave out here!

Chris: Using are awesome wave simulator device, Chef can create waves up to thirty stories high!

Leshawna: Oh, no… I just remembered! I don't even know how to surf!

Izzy: Sucks to be you! (She stands up on her surfboard and starts zooming around the water, as if the surfboard is possessed.)

Lindsay: How does she do that?

Izzy: Just basic surfing skills. Bring it to me, Chris! (Chris grins, and presses a button on his remote control. A red light appears under the water.)

Leshawna: Uh… what's that? (She is now starting to stand, but finding her knees are super wobbly.)

Chris: It is the sign that the wave simulator has been turned on. (As if on cue, a huge wave suddenly starts to gain on them.)

Leshawna: I'm too young to die!

Izzy: I'm not! (She starts zooming towards the wave, to greet it.)

Gwen: Izzy, what are you doing? Start moving towards the shore! (But Izzy isn't listening. She floats right up to the wall of water, which is now twenty stories high, and embraces it. Immediately she is swept into the current.)

Owen: IZZY! NOOOO!

Sierra: Quick, Leshawna, you can win this! (Suddenly, Leshawna remembers what Izzy did to Harold.)

Leshawna: You're right! I can do this! (She jumps up on her surfboard, and it immediately breaks,) Uh-oh. (The wave descends upon her, and she too, is engulfed. The wave continues to move towards the shore, and then crashes outwards, flooding the whole beach and leaving Leshawna and Izzy lying on the ground.)

Owen: Izzy! (He runs over to the red-head and hugs her.) Are you OK?

Izzy: Owen… I… I…

Owen: Yes? (His eyes are glistening with tears.)

Izzy: I… BURP! (She burps right into his face.)

Owen: That's my Izzy! (All the while, Noah is watching this, a sad expression on his face.)

**Confession Cam**

**Noah: I don't like Izzy! I don't like her! What makes you think that? (He looks down at the ground and sighs.) Izzy…**

**End of Confessionals**

Harold: Leshawna! Are you okay? (He runs over and leans down next to her.) What can I do for you?

Leshawna: I…

Harold: Eww! You're getting Georgina all wet with the water that shoots out of your mouth when you speak! Try to be a little more courteous, will you? Now what were you saying?

Leshawna: I… (She slaps him across the face, making him tumble backwards. She gets up and towers over him.) I hate you.

Harold: Whew, that gets a load off my chest. Thanks, Leshawna. (Leshawna glares at him angrily as he goes back to playing Nintendo DS.)

Chris: Now, I'm not exactly sure who won that one, but I guess I'll give it to Leshawna, for finally realizing Harold for the nincompoop he's become! Next up, Tyler versus Eva! (As the two paddle out, Tyler grins at Eva.)

Tyler: Now, I just want to let you know that even though I'm probably gonna beat you, I respect you and you're "ventures" into athleticism.

Eva: Get over yourself, loser. You just make a fool of yourself.

Tyler: I do not! Why did you even come to this competition if you don't even like people?

Eva: To win the money. Duh.

Tyler: I think it's more than that.

Eva: It is not!

Tyler: I think it is. (Eva stares at him for a moment, and then sighs.)

Eva: Yeah, there's another reason I came here. I wanted to… make friends.

Tyler: You? Make friends? That's hilarious!

Eva: I knew you would respond that way.

Tyler: No, I think it's actually pretty interesting. So why didn't you make any?

Eva: Because the moment I came here, I knew they were picking us based on conflict. I saw the dumb blonde, the queen bee, the pathetic jock…

Tyler: Who was that one?

Eva: Who do you think? Anyways, I knew right there that these were just stereotypes, and they were setting us up to be like a replica of a high school, with all the different kinds of people voting each other off, backstabbing. Like gossip on the internet.

Tyler: But Total Drama isn't all about backstabbing! It's about meeting new people! I made plenty of friends!

Eva: Yeah, well, it seems that people didn't exactly want to be my friend, voting me off second.

Tyler: You know, Eva, I respect you. In fact, maybe we could even be friends. (Suddenly, he realizes that Eva is riding the top of a wave, one that is crashing right down upon him.)

Eva: Yeah, we could be friends. But for now… see ya! (Tyler has only a moment to screaming like a little girl before the wave slams into him. They ride it all the way, Eva at the top of the crest, Tyler submerged somewhere deep inside it. The wave reaches the shore and Eva lands smoothly on the beach, while Tyler is spit out and slams into a tree.)

Chris: And the Screaming Ivy win the second round! (Eva waves her surfboard in the air and grins proudly as the Screaming Ivies cheer.)

Justin (to Alejandro): Is it OK to flirt with her now?

Alejandro: No. Not yet.

Tyler: Gah! Water up my nose! Water up my nose! (Eva walks over to him and slugs his arm.)

Eva: Eh, don't be such a baby. (She grins at him, and Tyler knows that they are now friends.)

Lindsay: Well, stay away from my boyfriend, Eve, cause his name's uh… uh… no wait… I've got this… (Tyler groans.)

Chris: The final round is upon us! Who will win? Who will lose? Duncan and Bridgette, you're up. (Duncan and Bridgette glance at one another, and then Bridgette grins and takes out her shiny, slick surfboard.)

Duncan: And where'd you get that, Malibu girl?

Bridgette: I had some help. (She glances over at Trent, and smiles. He doesn't look back. Instead, he looks at the ground.)

Chris: OK, I guess I'll tell you the reward, to give you a little more incentive. If you win, you get a Tiki style barbecue, with the works!

Katie: Ohmigosh, Sadie! We've never been to a barbecue before!

Sadie: Ohmigosh!

Gwen: You got this, Duncan? (Bridgette and Duncan are starting to paddle out.)

Duncan: All the way, babe.

Geoff: Bridgette! I believe in you!

Bridgette: Er… thanks. (She looks down at the surfboard she is resting upon.) You're my only hope, little buddy.

**Confession Cam**

**Bridgette: I should have never taken that surfboard from Trent. I should have never. **

**End of Confessionals**

(Duncan and Bridgette are deep out into the water, waiting for the next wave to come.)

Duncan: This is completely disgusting. I can't even believe this is all Owen crap!

Bridgette: Yeah… heheh… (They continue to make small talk for a little bit. Bridgette can't help but continue to think about Trent, betraying his team to give her the surfboard. Suddenly, a rumbling erupts under the water.)

Duncan: Here we go. (He hops up on his surfboard.)

Bridgette: Good luck, Duncan. (She slips her feet into the feet straps, and gets up into a standing position.)

Duncan: Feet straps? That's kinda unfair, don't you think?

Bridgette: Hey, I thought of it and you didn't. (The wave starts to get higher and higher, until it is at least fifty feet high.)

Courtney: How is that even possible? Chris! Duncan could die! (Then she grins.) Duncan could die! Woohoo! (Gwen cringes her teeth at the brunette's cheers.)

Duncan: I'm gonna ride this wave like I plan to ride Gwen!

Gwen: WHAT?

Duncan: Er, you didn't hear that. (Bridgette and Duncan start to ride the inside of the wave, Bridgette slightly in the lead. Suddenly, Duncan takes out a smoke bomb, and throws it at her. He misses by just a couple of feet.)

Bridgette: Smoke bombs? Really?

Duncan: Hey, I wanna win. (He takes out another and prepares to throw it.)

Bridgette: Two can play at that game! (She takes her hair band and throws it back at Duncan. It hits him in the eye.)

Duncan: Yowch! My eye! Hey, babe, that hurt! (In that short amount of time, though, Bridgette has mounted the wave and is way ahead of him.)

Bridgette: I'm gonna win this! I'm gonna win this! (Suddenly, she feels a jolt go through her body.) What was that? (A fiercer jolt shoots through her body, making her slump over, her body smoking. One more jolt erupts from the surfboard, making Bridgette tip over and into the water.)

Duncan: What the heck happened there? Oh well. I'm gonna win! (He rides up to the top of the crest.)

Cody: Yeah! We're gonna win this, guys!

Geoff: But where's Bridgette? (Suddenly, he sees her surfboard tipped over.) Uh-oh. Bridgette!

Duncan: Here I come! (He continues to glide towards the shore until he hits the beach, and jumps off his surfboard.)

Chris: And the Screaming Ivy win—(Before he can finish the sentence, the wave crashes down upon everybody on the beach. Everything is submerged in water for thirty seconds, and then the wave pulls back, revealing everybody lying on the beach, soaking wet. Geoff gets up, sees Bridgette lying facedown in the sand, and screams.)

Geoff: Bridgette! My babe! (He runs over to Bridgette and slings her over his shoulder.) We need a medic over here!

Chris: Who care about a stupid medic? Look at my hair! It's soaking wet!

Geoff: I'm taking Bridgette to the infirmary! (He runs over to the large tent next to the mess hall.)

Noah: So where's our Tiki style barbecue, Chris?

Chris: No time for a stupid Tiki barbecue. My hair needs treatment, ASAP! Just take these granola bars! (He throws them all granola bars.)

Lindsay: Tiki flavored. I hope it's good for my complexion. (She pops it in her mouth, and then barfs all over her own face.) Yeah, that wasn't so good for my complexion.

Courtney: So much for a reward. How did Duncan win, anyway?

Duncan: Just my mad surfing skills.

Trent: Just keep on convincing yourself, bub.

Duncan: Hey! I'm the one who just beat the surfing queen herself at her own game.

Trent: You had nothing to do with it.

**Infirmary**

(Bridgette slowly opens her eyes, and sees Geoff standing over her, his lips puckered.)

Geoff: Bridgette! You're alive! I knew CPR would work!

Bridgette: How many times did you give me CPR?

Geoff: About twenty. Did you know that you're a good kisser, even when you're unconscious?

Bridgette: What happened?

Geoff: Well, I think you might've gotten a stomach cramp or something, and your board tipped over.

Bridgette: So we lost?

Geoff: Yeah. I brought you some cereal, in case you wanted it. Capn' Crunch is your favorite, right?

Bridgette: I don't want cereal. (She slowly starts to remember what happened. Getting zapped by the board, tipping over. Suddenly, Bridgette starts to tremble in fear.)

Geoff: What's wrong, Bridge? Don't like Capn' Crunch? There's always Trix, in case you want it—

Bridgette: I don't want cereal. I already said that. I want Trent.

Geoff: You mean you like him more than me? We're breaking up? Oh, I didn't know you hated cereal so much! I'm so sorry! I'm a jerk, I never should've offered—

Bridgette: I mean, I want to know where he is.

Geoff: Why?

Bridgette: Because, (She takes a deep breath) Because he's the one who did this to me.

**Drama is building up, people! **

**Is Trent really evil enough to sabotage a surfboard? Could he be the new Heather?**

**What will be the next challenge that the campers will have to face? **

**And will Chris's hair need a trip to the infirmary like Bridgette?**

**Find out in the next dramatic continuation of**

**Total Drama Returns!**

**Note: Yes, I've decided that Trent has the most potential for the next antagonist. I hope all you Trent fans don't mind. ** **Review with your opinion. **


	8. Day 2 Part 3:The Wawanakwa Water Wonders

**Total Drama Returns**

The Cheesebub's Message: This is one of my favorite chapters so far. I can tell you already, it will have a lot of Izzy, for all you Izzy fans. Sorry about the rather late update, but my stupid dad was doing his tax reforms on MY computer, and I couldn't interrupt him. Whatever. Without further ado, on with the show!

**Day 2 Part 3—Chapter 8: The Water Wonders of Wawanakwa! **

Beth: How much longer do you think it will be? (The contestants are all standing on the beach, waiting for Chris to come out of the infirmary tent.)

Duncan: Who knows? Could be hours before he comes back out. He treats his hair like it's its own living entity. (Suddenly, an ambulance rolls out of the ocean, and hundreds of doctors started spilling out the back and into the infirmary tent.)

Alejandro: Ah. Those must be for Bridgette. (Suddenly, Chris runs out of the infirmary, clutching his hair.)

Chris: Thank goodness you're here! (The doctors then surround him, chattering nervously to one another.)

Leshawna: OK, that's just _sad_.

**Infirmary**

Bridgette: Trent. I need to find Trent. Where is he?

Geoff: I have no idea where he is! Probably stalking Gwen, as usual. (He takes out a cereal bar and munches on it, and then holds it out to Bridgette.) Want a bite?

Bridgette: Geoff, this is serious! Trent could have killed me!

Geoff: Why would Trent have wired your surfboard to electrocute you? The only person who would even know how to make a surfboard do that is Noah, and he's too busy admiring his foot-high forehead!

Bridgette: I doubt it was a cramp.

Geoff: Hey, it probably was. You know, cereal will always settle a stomach. Rice Crispies?

Bridgette: WHAT IS UP WITH YOU AND CEREAL? GOD! (She gets up and stomps out of the infirmary.)

Geoff: Whoa. Harshness.

**Confession Cam**

**Geoff: With my favorite hat destroyed and me having to wear this meager replacement, I've gotta find a passion! Cereal's the new thing, man! Why can't Bridgette just respect that? **

**Bridgette: If he mentions cereal one more time, I'm gonna explode! **

**End of Confessionals**

Cody: It's been an hour. Aren't the medics done examining Chris's hair?

Noah: They've got scalpels now. They're performing surgery!

Alejandro: Ah, it is fine. It gives me more time to enjoy the presence of my ladies. (He smiles seductively at Beth, who giggles and blushes.)

Eva: Well I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm going to the bathroom. (She makes her way over. Before she can go in, however, a hand reaches out of the bushes and pulls her in.)

Eva: What the heck? What the f*** is your prob—

Trent: Shh…

Eva: What do you want, douche bag?

Trent: If you even want to hear my proposal, you're gonna have to control your temper.

Eva: OK. Temper controlled. Now tell me why you pulled me into the bushes, or I'll make your face a different shape than it was before.

Trent: Please, I would like my face staying the shape that it is. OK, here's my proposal. Courtney and I are in an alliance.

Eva (sarcastically): I wonder what drove you guys to do that.

Trent: I was wondering if you would like to join. (This takes Eva by surprise.)

Eva: What? Why me?

Trent: If we're gonna get anywhere with the voting business, we need three people. And you're the strongest member of our team.

Eva: That's definitely true. What's in it for me?

Trent: I can't guarantee a trip to the final three. But I can guarantee safety until the merge.

Eva: Has Courtney approved this?

Trent: No. But I'm sure she won't mind.

Eva: I don't know, she's pretty uptight.

Trent: She really isn't. People just kind of… force her into that position.

Eva: Fine. I'll go along with this for now. But if I find out you're double crossing me, you lose a testicle.

Trent: Please, I would prefer keeping all three. (He gets up out of the bushes and walks away.)

Eva: Keeping all _three_?

**Confession Cam**

**Eva: So I'm in an alliance with Trent and Courtney. Not too bad, for day 2. But seriously, what has happened to Trent? He's kind of freaking me out. **

**Trent: That's one more person in the Alliance di Trent. Eh, I'm sure Courtney will approve of the name. **

**End of Confessionals**

Owen: So… hungry…

Tyler: Dude, you had a granola bar, like, ten minutes ago!

Owen: I know, but it just went right through me! There must be at least one hundred grams of fiber in those little things!

DJ: Fiber is good for you, man. You don't wanna be constipated, do you?

Tyler: Man, I was constipated once. I couldn't do sports for weeks!

Sierra: Is that all you stupid boys talk about? Your own stupid digestion?

Owen: No, we talk about other things! Likes cars, and uh… girls!

Tyler: Speaking of which, where's my Lindsay at? In theme of today's water challenges, I want to give her a big, wet kiss! (He turns and sees Lindsay talking to Alejandro and giggling.)

Tyler: Ugh, I hate that guy! The first chance I get, I'm voting him off! Let's vote him off at our team's next elimination ceremony.

Sierra: Yeah, that would work, except for the minor fact that he's on the _other_ team!

Tyler: Oh, yeah. I forgot.

Sierra: Typical boy behavior.

Sadie: Well, I think Alejandro is sexy!

Katie: I agree!

Owen: Not as sexy as Justin! (Everybody turns to him, wide-eyed. Embarrassed, Owen runs off.)

Alejandro: Well, you've got an admirer. (He slaps Justin on the back.)

Justin: Why can't I just have a female say those sorts of things about me?

Izzy: Well, that's simple, really. Your lips are super weird and puffy, your chin is the size of Mount Rushmore, and you're probably a psycho maniac in disguise planning to kill us all! Wait, the third part's just me.

Justin: Shut up, crazy girl! Nobody asked for your opinion.

Izzy: Yeah, _I'm_ the crazy one.

Justin: But you are.

Izzy: Oh.

Courtney: Can't we just get on with the challenge? I hate waiting here!

Duncan: Calm down, prissy pants. (He turns to Gwen.) Your overly-applied makeup is running.

Gwen: So is yours. (They grin, and then start to make out.)

Courtney: God! Do you have to do that sort of thing in public? I just ate lunch!

Cody: Yeah… I agree with Courtney. Or at least, give me a turn with Gwen.

Duncan: In your dreams, sucker.

Cody: Hey, it was worth a shot. Say, where's my man Trent? He's been gone for a long time!

Owen: He's probably constipated.

Leshawna: Everything's constipated to you, isn't it?

Chris: Campers, enough. (Everybody turns to see him standing on the beach. However, now he has a multi-colored afro, with several hair bands sticking out of it. All the campers burst out laughing.)

Duncan: Ha! Nice fro, dude! What are you, bozo the clown?

Chris: Ha ha. Very funny. I don't have an afro. I haven't had an afro since '82!

Lindsay: Oh, but you do! And it's so pretty! All the colors of the rainbow!

Chris: Wait… what? (He pats the top of his head and screams like a little girl.) My hair! What has happened?

Trent: It's obvious you didn't hire very good hair surgeons.

Noah: Where the hell did you come from?

Trent: I was never gone.

Chris: My hair! My f***ing hair! God! What did they do to my hair?

Geoff: Well, I like it, dude. Very stylish. (Suddenly, Izzy springs forward and jumps onto Chris's head, and then starts jumping up and down on it, like it's a trampoline.)

Izzy: Yeah! And it's bouncy!

Chris: Get out of my hair, Izzy!

Izzy: But it's so fun!

Chris: OUT! (Disappointed, Izzy jumps out.)

Leshawna: Hey man, all my pals back home have afros. They're nothing to be ashamed of.

Chris: I bet your pals back home don't have afros that more resemble piles of confetti than they resemble hair! Campers, we'll have to do the challenge tomorrow.

Courtney: No! We're not waiting for your stupid hair! I want to do the challenge NOW!

Chris: Fine! (He takes a bag and puts it over his head.) At least now I can't be humiliated anymore. Now on to the challenge. (He takes a step forward, but immediately trips over a ladybug, making the bag do flying forward. His afro expands to even larger size, until he falls over, due to not being able to support its weight.)

**Confession Cam**

**Chris: My life is officially over.**

**Izzy: Eh, I've seen bigger afros than his. My cousin Danny's was so big, I got lost in it for days! Wow, it was the quite the adventure. **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris (from on the ground): This day is not going how I had planned. (Bridgette runs over and helps him up.)

Chris: Hm. At least _someone _is sympathetic.

Gwen: How could we ever be sympathetic to _you_? You've made our lives miserable since the first time you laid eyes on us!

Chris: I don't have time for this. My hair is in need of saving! (He turns to Chef.) Chef, you get to host the challenge.

Chef: _Again_? There's not been a single day where you haven't asked me to fill in for you! Why should I have to change the kids' diapers? They can do it themselves!

Chris: Wanna go get spa treatments together after we're done explaining the challenge?

Chef: Chris, I thought you'd never ask. (They smile at each other. A second later, they are blinded by a camera flash.)

Sierra (holding down her camera): Such a touching scene. I can't wait to put this on my ChrisxChef blog! (Suddenly, Chris swipes her camera away from her and crushes it in his fist.)

Chris: No. Electronics. (Little does Chris know that Trent, in fact, also took a picture of the two smiling at each other. Grinning ever so slightly, Trent slips it into his pocket.)

Chris: So, for today's immunity challenge… As you can see, we have set up seven bumper boats in the water. (He beckons to the lake, where seven large, circle-shaped pedal boats float.)

Harold: What are those awesome things in the front?

Chris: Those, my dear Harold, are water guns.

Harold: Water guns? Really? So lame. So last year. So— (He is cut off by a blast of water hitting him squarely in the groin and sending him flying into the water.)

Chris (putting his water gun away): So totally kick-ass! (Harold scrambles up onto the dock, soaking wet.)

Harold: You're just lucky my Nintendo DS has her water cover! Otherwise, I would—(Before he can say another word, another blast of water slams into him.)

Chris: This is proving to be a very useful tool.

Courtney: So we go around in pedal boats shooting each other with water guns. Seems a little childish, don't you think?

Chris: Not when they're mega super power guns like these! (He turns to Chef) Did you know that one year, Santa never brought me the water gun I wanted? (He starts to sniffle.) I never really got over that. I mean, why wouldn't Santa bring you your present?

Eva: Because you're a conniving, evil host with a heart of oil?

Chris: True. But, still! Something about that just isn't right!

Chef: Chris, I feel for you. You're a strong host, you know that?

Chris: Thanks, Chef. You're a great, great friend. I love you with all my heart and soul.

Chef: That's wonderful, man. You know… wait… what? Wait a minute, did you just say-

Chris: Nope. No I didn't.

Gwen: This is all very touching, but can't we just hurry along?

Chris: Spoil the tender moment, will you? Fine! I don't care! To help me get over my memory of never getting my water gun for Christmas, you campers will compete in what I would like to call… The Ultimate Water Gun War! (He turns to Chef) I came up with that name years ago, did you know? But I could never play it. All because I never got my water gun for Christmas!

Leshawna: We all get it! You lived a deprived childhood! Geez!

Beth: What are the rules?

Chris: There are none! The goal is knock people from the other team into the water using your ultimate water gun blasters! There will be four boats for the Screaming Ivy, with three people in each group, and three boats for the Killer Redwoods, with two groups of three and one group of four. The last group floating wins the challenge for their team, and safety from tonight's dramatic campfire ceremony! Now let's go, Chef.

Courtney: Will you guys at least make sure to keep track of who wins? Unlike last time, where we could have lost a member from our team, even though we were the team that won!

Chris: Maybe if you guys actually do something interesting, we'll want to watch. Now, choose your groups!

Tyler (to Geoff and DJ): Hey you two! Why don't we all be in the same boat? We'll be the jock trio!

Geoff: Sounds partacious to me. DJ?

DJ: Sure. Sounds good.

Owen: Can I come, too? I'm a jock! Remember in Greece, Tyler? I won a gold medal!

Tyler: Yeah, you're an okay athlete. Though of course, not as good as me. Did you know that I can swim seven laps in three hours at the local pool?

Geoff: Is that good? I'm not too good at math.

Tyler: Oh, it's very good. Expert, I would say. (He flexes his muscles proudly.)

Owen: So is that a "yes" to me coming along?

Geoff: Fine. But you have to not bring up meat around DJ. Or bring any meat on the boat.

Owen: I won't!

Geoff: Empty your pockets, then.

Owen: Why?

Geoff: Just do it!

Owen: No!

Geoff: Do it, or you're not coming along.

Owen: Fine… (He reaches into one pocket, and pulls out a drumstick. He reaches into the other, and pulls out a T-bone steak. He reaches into the first pocket, and pulls out a sausage link. He reaches into the second pocket, and pulls out a can of Spam. It goes on like this for about five minutes. By the end, there is a huge pile of meat on the beach.)

Owen (noticing Geoff's glare): What? I like meat. (Meanwhile, Katie and Sadie, of course have paired up. Sierra walks over as well.)

Sierra: Mind if I join your group, ladies?

Katie: Uh… sure. Why?

Sierra: I know all boys are repelled from the two of you, and I wanted to be in a "boy-free" group.

Sadie: Oh. OK. What does repel mean?

Sierra: Never mind. Let's go pick our boat, shall we? (Alejandro immediately joins up with Lindsay and Beth.)

Alejandro: You ladies don't mind, do you?

Justin: I mind! I thought we were in an alliance!

Alejandro: We are. I am just strengthening it. If I were you, I would also go find some ladies to seduce. Every one that I get a hold of, your power weakens.

Lindsay (to Beth): What do you think he means by that?

Beth: I don't know. But I do know that he's hot.

Alejandro: As are the both of you.

**Confession Cam**

**Lindsay: I really like Tyler these days! Now he has such wonderful tan skin, six pack abs, and not to mention a new Spanish accent! Wait… that **_**is**_** Tyler, right?**

**End of Confessionals**

Duncan: So it's you and me, Gwen. Now which one of our idiotic teammates do you want to bring along? (As if on cue, Cody pops up behind Duncan.) 

Cody: If you need someone with mad water gun shooting skillz, I'm the man for the job.

Duncan: Yeah, right, twerp. You just wanna steal more of my girlfriend's underwear.

Gwen: Actually, I don't think it's that bad of an idea. Cody's a good guy, Duncan.

Duncan: Sure. He also just loves peepholes.

Gwen: I wouldn't talk, Duncan! You're the one who carved the peephole in the first place!

Cody: Hey, if you guys don't need me, I'm sure my skillz could easily aid another group…

Gwen: No, it's fine, you can come along. But if you so much as look down my skirt…

Cody: I know, I know. You'll tear me to shreds.

Gwen: Good. Then we have an understanding. (But as the two walk over to the boat, Cody turns to Duncan and blows him a raspberry.)

**Confession Cam**

**Duncan: If that twerp thinks he'll ever get my girl, he has something else comin' to him. I'll punch him so hard, his grandkids will still feel the pain. **

**Cody: Duncan is not worthy of Gwen! While he would take her to some stupid horror movie, I would take her to an elegant, formal, stuffy dinner party and have her meet my mom! I mean, why wouldn't she want to do that? **

**Gwen: Never, ever will Cody win my heart. He keeps on telling me that he wants to introduce me to his mom! Yech… **

**End of Confessionals**

Courtney: EVA? You invited _Eva_ to be in our alliance? (Courtney, Trent, and Eva are all standing on the docks, and Trent has just told her the news.)

Trent: What's wrong with Eva?

Eva: Yeah, what's wrong with me, bitch?

Courtney: I just think our alliance would do a whole lot better without someone like _her_ messing us up.

Trent: We can't get anywhere without three people.

Courtney: But don't you think we could've chosen better, like, perhaps, Cody or Alejandro?

Trent: Cody will never stop loving Gwen. And Alejandro's already started his own alliance!

Courtney: But… she has a mole!

Trent: What kind of excuse is that?

Courtney: I don't like moles.

Eva: You don't like moles, do you? Well I don't like freckles! Do you mind if I shred every single one of them of that stupid little nose of yours?

Trent: You can leave the alliance if you hate moles, Courtney.

Courtney: No, no, it's fine. We'll make this an alliance of three. But she better control her temper. (Eva grins.)

Eva: Temper controlled.

**Confession Cam**

**Courtney: Why did Trent have to invite Eva? Doesn't he remember her breakdown from Season 1? I thought this would be a two person alliance! I thought it would be just me and Trent! (She pauses) I mean, not like I **_**want**_** for it to be just me and Trent. Because I don't! **

**End of Confessionals**

Bridgette: Leshawna! Be my partner?

Leshawna: Yeah, sister, sounds good! But I'm mannin' the water gun, in case you don't mind. Back in the ghetto streets, we used to play water gun all the time! Except we used boilin' hot water. Makes it much more fun.

Bridgette: Yeah, I need to talk to you about some things, anyway. (She glances over at Trent, who is stepping into one of the boats.)

Leshawna: So it's you, me, and…

Bridgette: The only person left is Harold.

Leshawna: Guess we gotta deal with that freak.

Harold: I'm not a freak! I am a madly-skilled super nerd!

Leshawna (as she throws him in the boat): Same thing. (Meanwhile, the leftovers of the Screaming Ivy are having to form a group.)

Izzy: Yay! Admiral Izzy gets to be with Lieutenant Egghead and Captain Chin! I will lead us to victory!

Noah (sarcastically): Woo. I couldn't be anymore excited.

Justin: I'm not taking orders from the crazy girl! Why do I have to be in this group?

Izzy: Oh, come on, men! We'll go down in history as the finest crew ever to sail the seven seas!

Noah: Or the one that blew up in the first seven seconds.

Izzy: With that kind of attitude, we'll never succeed! Now let's go! (She springs forward, but slams into a pole. She gets up, a huge welt on her forehead.) Just a minor setback. Let's go! (She springs forward again, and this time misses the boat entirely, and lands in the water.) Just another minor setback.

Noah: I have a feeling we're going to be dealing with a lot of "minor setbacks".

Justin: That's one thing I can agree with. (Once all of the campers are in their bumper boats, Chris's voice blares over the intercom.)

Chris: Oh, yeah, that's the spot… Sorry, I'm just getting my premium massage right now. Anyways, campers, on your marks, get set… go! Say, how much does the "happy ending" cost? (The intercom shuts off, and all the boats race forward, except for Katie, Sadie, and Sierra's which sputters slowly along the water.)

Sierra: Can't you two drive a little faster?

Katie: I've lost my driver's license seven times! I have to drive carefully. State regulations.

Sierra: Hey, not a bad strategy, though. Let all the others finish each other off.

Katie: Yeah, I'm a very strategical person. I'm super smart. Say, what does this button do? (She presses it, and the boat tips over. A few seconds later, it tips back up, with the three girls soaking wet.)

Sierra: Yeah, you're super smart. Please don't press that button again. (Meanwhile, out farther in the water, many battles rage.)

Izzy (after dodging a fierce shot from Leshawna): Men! Man your stations!

Justin (sitting back and relaxing): I'm not "manning" anything. I'm gonna watch you two do all the work.

Noah: Sports aren't my forte, remember? I'll sit back and relax as well.

Izzy: This is not the spirit I want from my men! (She walks over to Noah, picks him up, and seats him down in the front of the bumper boat.)

Izzy (handing him a map): Read this map. (Noah takes it and examines it.)

Noah: This isn't even a map! You just took a piece of paper and scribbled on it in crayon!

Izzy: READ THE MAP!

Noah: Fine. Um… go west until you reach 30 degrees longitude, to the standard of halfways east.

Izzy: Wow, you're good at reading a map. Justin, you can be our trash-talker.

Justin: Hey, doesn't sound like a half bad job. I can trash talk. (He turns to Leshawna's boat.) Hey, you! Your butt's so big, it blocks out all the sun!

Harold: Hey! My booty isn't that big!

Leshawna: I think he's talkin' to me, sugar baby. (She smiles at Justin, and loads some boiling hot water into the gun.)

Bridgette: Where'd you get that stuff?

Leshawna: I got some from Chris's bathtub. Check this out. (She starts to aim at the pretty boy.)

Justin: Ha! I'm not afraid of a little water—(He is cut off by the blast of water slamming into his face. Once the blast dies down, his face is puffy, red, and covered in blisters.)

Justin: HOT! (Grabbing his face, he jumps up and down, screaming like a little girl.)

Leshawna: And that's how we roll!

Bridgette: Uh… Leshawna?

Leshawna: Yeah?

Bridgette: You might wanna start pedaling away. (Leshawna turns, wide-eyed, to see Justin, standing at the controls of the gun, a crazy look in his eyes.)

Justin: My face… my face… you destroyed my face…

Noah: Uh… Justin? Are you okay?

Justin: My face! My face! They destroyed my face! They shall pay! (He aims and fires. Leshawna, however, is just able to swerve the boat out of the way.)

Leshawna: Let's get out of here! (Bridgette jumps into the front seat, and the two start pedaling as fast as they can.)

Harold: That's it, ladies! Work those legs!

Bridgette: Would it kill you to help?

Harold: I am helping. You guys can watch me play Pac-man as you pedal!

Leshawna: Lazy… son of a… whew, I'm so tired I can't even finish the sentence. Why are these things so hard to pedal?

Harold: It looks like there's gunk inside the gears.

Leshawna: And that's all you're gonna say? You're not even gonna try to fix it or anything?

Harold: Does it really matter? We're perfectly safe right now.

Bridgette: Yeah, besides the fact that we have a bloodthirsty Justin chasing after us. Speaking of which, Leshawna, I want to talk to you about someone at camp.

Leshawna: Trust me, girl, I don't like your boyfriend. That was just part of the make-out challenge.

Bridgette: No, that's not what I'm talking about. It's about Trent.

Leshawna: What about him? Besides the fact that he's a skinny white boy with an obsession with Number 9?

Bridgette: Well, you see, before the surfing challenge, Trent gave me a surfboard. I took it, because I thought he was just trying to be nice. But during the surfing challenge, it seemed to… _electrocute _me.

Leshawna: That does seem to explain why Duncan won. And anyways, that Trent boy has always given me the creeps. But do you actually think he's evil?

Bridgette: I'm really not sure. (Suddenly, they hear a voice from behind them.)

Justin: Well I'm sure about one thing! And that's that you're going down!

Leshawna: We'll talk about this later. But for now, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE! (Meanwhile, the "jock" four is pedaling along at rather slow pace.)

DJ: Why can't we go any faster? I feel like someone's… watching us.

Owen: I haven't eaten in minutes! My blood sugar is severely lacking! It's only so long before I resort to cannibalism.

Geoff: I knew we shouldn't have brought him along!

Tyler: Wait a minute… do you hear that? It sounds like… somebody's nearby! (They all turn to origin of the sound, and see Alejandro, Lindsay, and Beth's boat floating nearby. Alejandro already has the water gun pointed at them, and he is grinning evilly.)

Alejandro: Just save yourself the trouble and surrender now, will you?

Tyler: Never! We are warriors! And we shall fight!

Alejandro: Oh, too bad. (He lets loose a blast of water. However, it slams into Owen, and bounces back at Alejandro's boat. The three barely have time to duck as the blast of water soars over their heads. Lindsay, trembling peeks up from behind the front of the boat.)

Tyler: Lindsay! Are you alright?

Lindsay: Yeah, I think so, Alejandro. (She turns to Alejandro.) Are you alright, Tyler?

Tyler: TYLER? He's not Tyler! I'm Tyler! I'm not Alejandro!

Lindsay: Are you sure? Wow, everything's so confusing these days. I thought Tyler was my boyfriend.

Tyler: I _am_ your boyfriend!

Lindsay: Alejandro's my boyfriend? But I thought he liked Heather!

Beth: Not anymore. Alejandro's mine, now. (She grabs onto Alejandro's arm.)

Lindsay: But that's Tyler!

Tyler: Listen, Lindsay. I am Tyler. The person you're standing next to you is Alejandro.

Lindsay (pointing to Beth): So _she's_ Alejandro?

Tyler: No, no it's—

Alejandro: Tyler, save yourself the trouble and give up. There's no getting through to that brain of hers.

**Confession Cam**

**Tyler: So in Lindsay's little confused mind, Alejandro is me, I'm Alejandro, and Beth is **_**also**_** Alejandro! Tell me again why I chose to date her? **

**Lindsay: I think I'm really getting good with names. **

**End of Confessionals**

Cody: I must be ever alert. Always ready. We might have to go into combat at any moment. (He is sitting in the backseat, manning the water gun, while Gwen and Duncan are pedaling in the front.)

Duncan: Save yourself the trouble, doofus, and don't even bother trying to shoot that thing. You'll probably just kill yourself.

Gwen: This is so childish. I can't believe we have to go in little toy pedal boats and shoot toy water guns! It's sickening!

Cody: Don't you celebrate Christmas, Gwen?

Gwen: Yeah, but Christmas isn't about tacky toys. It's about being together with your loved ones.

Cody: In that case, want to spend Christmas with me, Gwen?

Duncan: The love has to be mutual, dork. (Meanwhile, Trent is watching their boat through a telescope.)

Trent: Idiots. Those boys are drooling over Gwen like they're starving.

Courtney: Permission to fire, captain?

Trent: Permission granted. (Grinning from ear to ear, Courtney cocks the gun until it is in perfect position, and then fires. The gush of water slams straight into Gwen, Duncan, and Cody's boat, knocking all three of them into the water. The three Screaming Ivies rise to the surface, treading water and spitting out gunk.)

Duncan: What the f*** just happened?

Gwen (noticing Trent's boat, which is now just a speck on the horizon): I think we just got shot by our own team.

**Confession Cam **

**Gwen: So Courtney and Trent are so angry with me and Duncan that they're literally fighting against us. This is just great. **

**End of Confessionals**

Eva: So why'd we just take down a group of people from our own team again?

Courtney: That's the main goal of our alliance. Get rid of Gwen and Duncan. If our team happens to lose the challenge, one of them will be the goner.

Trent: Cody's also pretty high up on my list, now.

Eva: So who are we voting for first?

Trent: I say Duncan. The sooner he leaves, the better.

Courtney: I'm pretty sure that Gwen is the one who needs to say goodbye. She almost got me booted off in Australia last season! She's the bigger threat.

Eva: Those two are both good choices. But there's someone else who I think needs to rot in hell. And I want to vote him off.

Trent: Who do you want to vote off?

Eva: Well, he's been getting on my nerves a lot lately. I want to vote off…

**In Chris and Chef's Trailer**

Chris: So, Chef, how are you enjoying your manicure?

Chef: It feels good, man. I haven't been pampered like this since my time as a ballerina.

Chris: _You _werea_ ballerina_?

Chef: Hey, don't laugh, man.

Chris: I'm not laughing. I actually think that's very beautiful. I think you'd look very sexy in a tutu.

Chef: Thanks… wait, what'd you say?

Chris: Nothing.

**Out On the Lake**

Sierra: Faster, girls, faster!

Sadie: My legs are tired! Can't we take a break?

Sierra: No! The real battle's out on the waterfront! Maybe we can find Cody's boat, and sink it!

Katie: Isn't that Cody over there? (Sierra looks to where she is pointing, and sees Cody, Gwen, and Duncan swimming to shore.)

Sierra: Ha! They already were defeated! Let's run them over!

Sadie: Why? That doesn't sound nice.

Sierra: It doesn't sound nice because it isn't nice! That's the point! (They are now just a couple of feet away from the trio. Cody glances over at the boat and swallows deeply.)

Cody: What are you fine ladies doing over here? (Sierra gets an idea.)

Sierra: We're taking one of you hostage!

Sadie: We are?

Sierra: Yeah!

Duncan: Sure, take the geek. You can rape him or whatever else you're planning on doing to him.

Gwen: Duncan! We can't just hand Cody over to Sierra! She could kill him!

Cody: Yeah! Don't do this to me!

Sierra: If you don't, we'll run all three of you over.

Gwen: See ya, Cody. (She grabs the geek and tosses him to Sierra, who catches him, ties him up, and stuffs a sock in his mouth.)

Sierra: Pleasure doing business with ya. (As she cackles madly, the boat shoots off into the distance.)

Gwen: I hope we didn't just sign Cody's will.

Duncan: I hope we did. (Meanwhile, the jock "four" and Alejandro's group are still at a stalemate, with their guns pointed at one another.)

Alejandro: Come on already! Make your move!

DJ (to Geoff, who is at the controls of the gun): The suspense is killing me! Just do something already.

Geoff: I can't just shoot! Alejandro's sure to have something up his sleeve! The dude's craftier than a box of Kraft Mac n Cheese!

Owen: Mmm… Kraft Mac n Cheese…

Geoff: Wait… that gives me an idea! (He lets go of the gun and backs off.) We give up. You can just shoot us now.

Alejandro: Yeah, like I'd actually just shoot you when it's obvious that this is a trap—

Lindsay: TAKE THIS! (She takes the gun and shoots it straight at the other group. Geoff, however, grabs Owen and uses him to deflect the blast, making it go straight back at Alejandro's group, knocking all three of them out of the boat.)

Alejandro (treading water): Lindsay! Why'd you do that?

Lindsay: Did we win?

Tyler: Yeah! We did it! High-five, guys! (Owen is particularly excited by the victory, and starts jumping up and down. This makes the boat rock back and forth.)

DJ: Owen! Stop! You're gonna make the boat, WAAH! (Owen jumps down as hard as he can. Like a catapult, it sends all three of the others flying through the air and into the water with a loud splash. The boat then tips over, making Owen fall into the water as well.)

Owen: Oops.

DJ: I CAN'T SWIM! I CAN'T SWIM!

Alejandro: I will save you! (He swims over and grabs onto DJ, who stops splashing.) I will take you to shore.

Beth: Aw, isn't he such a gentleman?

Tyler: I'm a gentleman, too! (He smiles at Lindsay) Hey, Linds, wanna see me swim? I can swim seven laps at the local pool in just three hours!

Lindsay: Wow, that's amazing! That's like, three laps a minute! Er… I think so, at least… (Suddenly, Chris's voice blares over the intercom.)

Chris: That's three groups down! There are only four groups left! Let's see who will win! (Leshawna hears this, and grins.)

Leshawna (to Harold and Bridgette): Hear that, guys? We could win this!

Izzy: You will have to defeat Admiral Izzy's team, first! (She turns to Noah and Justin) This is our moment, troops. We will never back down! (Suddenly, another boat appears, this one carrying Katie, Sadie, and a tied-up Cody.)

Leshawna: It's two on one, now. Prepare to lose!

Sierra: Yeah! And we have a hostage! (She holds up Cody, who is squirming in your grasp.)

Izzy: Oh, no, Noah! Your boyfriend! You have to save him!

Noah: He's not my boyfriend! I was asleep when I kissed him!

Izzy: Aw, but I think gay couples are really cute. Especially that one between Chris and Chef.

Sierra: We will drown this man if you do not surrender! (She holds Cody up to the sky. Suddenly, she hears a voice behind her.)

Trent: Will you really, Sierra? (His boat is right behind her now.)

Sierra: Of course I will! Why wouldn't I?

Trent: I think you wouldn't.

Sierra: I would too!

Trent: Think long and hard about what you're doing, and who you're doing it to.

Sierra: Shut up!

Trent: I think, in the back of your mind, you still love Cody. (This catches Sierra off guard. She starts to let go of Cody. In that split second, Trent fires his gun and the blast of water slams into Sierra's boat, knocking everyone out of it and into the water.)

Izzy: Yes! Our backup troops!

Justin: It's about time. Look what they did to my face!

Eva: Personally, I think it's an improvement. (Katie and Sadie are now clinging to each other, soaked an shivering. Sierra bobs to the surface, and looks around.)

Sierra: Where'd Cody go? (Then she sees the black dot under the water, getting smaller and smaller.) He's drowning!

Trent: Wasn't that your goal all along?

Sierra: Not really! I never actually wanted to—oh no! (She dives under the water.)

Courtney: What a weirdo. Who tries to kill someone?

Bridgette: Hm. Maybe you should think back to yesterday, when you tried to kill Gwen!

Courtney: Yeah, but at least _I _had a good reason.

Izzy: Quick! Let's finish off the remaining opponents! My ship will come in from the front, yours from the back. Noah, you whip out your AK-47.

Noah: I don't have a—

Izzy: Justin, you take your pants and use them as a flag.

Justin: I'm not taking off my pants! Why do we need a flag, anyways?

Izzy: All good ships have flags! While we do this, I will write in our military journal, to remember this victory. In case I don't come out alive, I want you to publish this entry…

Noah: Izzy, this is water we're talking about. It isn't going to kill you.

Leshawna: Unless it's scaldin' hot water like this! (She shoots it straight at the boat. It misses by just a few inches. The spot where the water hit, however, starts to steam.)

Eva: She can't use water that hot! That's so unfair! (Suddenly, she gets angry.) I'll teach her!

Courtney: Eva, calm down.

Eva: NO! I WON'T CALM DOWN! I'M ANGRY! (She starts pedaling as fast as she can towards Leshawna's boat.)

Harold: Girls! Do something!

Leshawna: Says the guy who has done a goddamn thing since this competition started! (She runs over to the gun and fires straight at Trent's boat. It misses again.)

Eva: HA! YOU'RE GOING DOWN!

Leshawna: Gotta get this right... (She fires. The blast of water gets a perfect hit, blasting Eva, Courtney, and Trent into each other like dominoes. When they get to the surface, Trent and Courtney glare at Eva. Eva, however, is too busy rubbing her face. She smiles after a while.)

Eva: My mole! It's gone! The water was so hot, it got rid of my mole! This is wonderful!

Courtney: Yeah, but what's not wonderful is that you just got our group out! Now we have to rely on Justin, Noah, and Izzy to somehow pull off a win!

Izzy: That will be easy, soldier. We are ready! (She jumps over to the gun, and starts pouring some sort of liquid into it.)

Noah: And what might that be?

Izzy: It's super glue!

Noah: This should get interesting. (An excited Izzy fires the first shot, this one hitting Leshawna in the lips. This immediately glues her mouth shut.)

Izzy: Yes! Exactly where I was aiming. (She shoots again, and this time, the glue gets in Harold's Nintendo DS's cartridge holder.)

Harold: Gah! Georgina! That's it! (He jumps over to the gun and starts firing blast after blast of hot water. Izzy, in response, starts firing blast after blast of super glue. It goes on like this for hours. By 4:30 in the afternoon, Leshawna, Harold, and Bridgette can barely move due to being covered in so much glue, and Noah, Izzy, and Justin are covered in burn marks. The rest of the campers, including Sierra, who was able to rescue Cody, have left the water and are on the beach, watching.)

Izzy (crouching in the boat and writing in her journal): It is at 1600 hours, and both sides are still fighting strong. We have had some fatalities on both sides, including Noah's book and Justin's hand mirror, but we are still fighting strong. We will never give up!

Noah: Izzy, we're out of ammo.

Izzy (still writing in her journal): Still won't give up.

Justin: The front of the boat just tore away.

Izzy (still writing in her journal): We still won't give up.

Noah: Half my hair is missing, the flag has fallen, and the boat is flooding with water. Oh, and now it's starting to sink.

Izzy (slamming her journal shut): Oh, come on! (She jumps up and glares at the two of them.)

Izzy: I let you run the boat for just five minutes while I write in my journal! And you've practically destroyed it!

Justin: Geez, sorry.

Izzy: We need to patch up the holes! We need to put the flag back up! We need to get Noah some scalp ointment! We need to…

Noah: DUCK! (But it is too late. The water slams into all three of them, sending them flying into the water with a gigantic splash. They watch as the boat slowly sinks into the water.)

Izzy: The boat! Oh no, not the S.S Izzy!

Justin: It's okay. Now we can just go back, and get manicures, and spa treatments.

Izzy: A fallen soldier never deserves luxury. (She scowls at Justin, and then paddles to shore. Noah looks at Justin and shrugs.)

Noah: She'll be back to normal after a couple candy bars. (Suddenly, Chris's voice blares over the intercom.)

Chris: The Killer Redwoods win! The Killer Redwoods win! (Bridgette, Harold, and Leshawna try to cheer, but since their mouths are glued shut, they can't. Once they get to shore, Geoff runs up to Bridgette and hugs her.)

Geoff: I knew you could do it, Bridge. (He tries to pull away, but finds himself glued to her.) Oops.

Chris (over the intercom): Now, Screaming Ivies, I'll be seeing you tonight, at the most dramatic campfire ceremony… evar! But there's a little twist… no voting tonight!

Courtney: What? So we don't get to choose who goes home?

Chris: Nope! You guys will have to compete to see who goes home! Fun, right?

Trent and Courtney: NO!

Chris: Eh, too bad. See you guys tonight!

**What sort of challenge could be in store for the Screaming Ivies? **

**What are Sierra's true feelings for Cody?**

**When will Izzy stop thinking she lives in a fantasy world? **

**And who will be eliminated? **

**We will see on the next nerve-racking, breath-stopping chapter of **

**Total Drama Returns!**


	9. Day 2 Part 4:The Fisherman's Death Match

**Total Drama Returns**

The Cheesebub's Message: Welcome to the end of Day 2, people. This chapter, I promise you, will have all the drama you've recently been craving for. Have fun! The next update will be in about a week from now.

**Day 2, Part 4—Chapter 9: The Fisherman's Death Match**

(The entire team of the Screaming Ivy is all sitting in their one large cabin, due to the wall getting knocked down. Cody is glaring at Duncan, Duncan is glaring at Courtney, Courtney is glaring at Gwen, Gwen is glaring at Trent, Trent is glaring Eva, Eva is glaring at everyone, Beth is glaring at Lindsay as she strokes Big Bertha, Lindsay is glaring at a strand of hair that keeps falling over her face, Noah is glaring at Alejandro, Alejandro is glaring at Izzy, Izzy is glaring at Justin, and Justin is glaring at his own disfigured reflection.)

Justin: Uggh… I'm a mutilated beast now! A monster! A disgusting creature of the night!

Izzy: I thought that's what you were before. Personally, I think it looks better on you.

Justin: Shut up! If only I could have some of that wonderful cover-up that Chris uses…

Izzy: No soldier should hide his battle scars! He should embrace them!

Justin: I'll embrace them as soon as we win a challenge!

Gwen: We won the immunity challenge last time! Plus, the other team is down two players.

Courtney: Heh.

Gwen: What's so funny?

Courtney: I just think it's kind of interesting that the emo goth girl is the optimistic one in our group. That's not a good sign.

Noah: I wish tonight's challenge would involve at least a _little_ straining of the mind. Your brain is your most important muscle, of course.

Duncan: Says the guy who's always playing goo goo eyes with a girl who's _lost_ her mind.

Noah: What are you talking about? I don't like Izzy!

Izzy: And I haven't lost my mind! It just… goes out to dinner sometimes.

Courtney: If only we still had the wall separating us from you putrid beings. But then again, now Gwen is among her kind. (Gwen just rolls her eyes at this insult.)

Cody: Hey, it's all good, ladies. We can all get along! (He rolls out from under the covers, revealing he is only wearing a pair of tighty whities.)

Eva: Put some clothes on, you dweeb!

Cody: Aw, you ladies don't mind, do you?

All the girls: YES!

Cody: Fine. Sheesh. (As he puts on clothes, Trent leans over and whispers in Courtney's ears.)

Trent: We work together tonight to make sure that Duncan loses tonight. Sound good?

Courtney: Yeah.

Duncan: You two have been whispering a lot to each other. If I didn't know better, I'd say you two were in alliance.

Trent: But of course, that is incorrect.

Duncan: Yeah. Of course.

**Confession Cam**

**Duncan: Yeah, I know those two are plotting my death. But if Trent even tries to slit my throat, I always can make a new pattern on his face. (He takes out his knife and spins it in his hand, grinning evilly.) How about in the shape of a guitar? **

**Noah: I have feeling that I'm the one who could be getting the boot tonight.** **Because knowing Chris, it won't involve using the mind at all. If I were the host, I would have us all sitting around, playing Sudoku, instead of doing stupid, sloppy, challenges that are thrown together in the last minute and involve no thought at all, but an ability to survive every deadly obstacle he throws at us! Did you know that I'm tenth in the world at playing Sudoku? And no, there are not only ten people in the world that play Sudoku. There's like, at least twenty. **

**Gwen: Tonight's challenge better not involve getting my face wet. Runny makeup… that's one thing I will not stand for. **

**Courtney: I'll be trying to splash Gwen in the face as much as possible tonight, so her stupid goth makeup runs all over her face! **

**Eva: Too bad we don't get to vote tonight. Otherwise, Justin would be a goner! I hate that narcissist! **

**Justin: *sigh* My face… **

**Trent: Duncan's only good for one thing. And that's carving peepholes. Other than that? Useless. **

**Cody (in his underwear): Who doesn't Gwen like my underwear? Girls these days. Maybe if I stripped naked… **

**Lindsay: I'm confused. Everybody's claiming to be Tyler these days! The question is… (Her eyes narrow) … which one's the **_**real**_** Tyler? **

**End of Confessionals **

(The Killer Redwoods all sit in the Mess Hall, playing cards.)

DJ (to Owen): Got any twos?

Owen: I don't know! I ate them all!

Sierra: You're not supposed to eat them, you dolt!

Owen: But they looked so delicious. With little candy hearts!

Geoff: Why don't we play Bridge, instead? (He grins at Bridgette) How about that, Bridge? Wanna play Bridge? Ha! I crack myself up.

Bridgette (sarcastically): Yeah, hilarious. (She takes out a granola bar and munches on it.) Blech! This tastes like roasted crap!

Owen: Oh, my favorite flavor! (He swipes it out of her hand and pops it in his mouth.) Nope, that's just pig guts. A much more mediocre flavor, in my opinion.

Tyler: The food around here may not be too good… but I gotta say, first class rocks!

Sierra: First class was last season, Tyler.

Tyler: Oh, yeah! Forgot. Say, what are the weird cards with the 10s on them?

Bridgette: Those are 10s.

Tyler: Oh! Makes sense!

Leshawna: Thank god there aint no intelligence challenges, or we'd be toast.

Owen: Mmm… toast…

Leshawna: Say, Harold baby, you playin'?

Harold: Don't… talk. Mass… concentration. Must… beat… Super Mario Bros…

Leshawna: I will smack you upside the head if you keep on playin' that thing. It aint good for your eyes! They'll turn into freaky lil' dots!

DJ: Hey! Those are what _my_ eyes look like!

Leshawna: But your dots aint freaky. (She turns to Ezekiel, who is sitting in one of the chairs.) Got any threes, Ezekiel? Wait a minute, Ezekiel? (She blinks, and then the prairie boy is gone.) Hm. Never mind.

Geoff: Did you say Ezekiel?

Leshawna: Yeah, he was sitting right there, but… now he's gone. (Suddenly, Chef troops in.)

Chef: You say you saw Ezekiel?

Leshawna: Yeah, but it must've been just a trick of the light.

Chef: If you see Ezekiel, you take this here gun and you shoot, you got that? (He hands Leshawna a rifle.)

Leshawna: Uh… Ok. I'll make sure to do that, Chef.

Chef (taking Leshawna's arm): This here's a brave soldier, men! You could learn a thing or two from this here soldier! (Then he troops out, the same way he came.)

Leshawna: Poor Chef. He's really lost it, hasn't he?

**Confession Cam**

**Leshawna: I'm worried about that Chef guy. He could use a couple beers. That would calm him down. **

**Chef: Ezekiel isn't dead. I don't know how he survived that fall, but he isn't f***ing dead! (He takes out a rifle and cocks it, and then smiles crazily.) At least, not yet. **

**End of Confessionals**

(It is night, and the Screaming Ivies are standing out on the Dock of Shame. The moon is high in the sky, and the waves are rather rough at the moment.)

Chris: Welcome, Screaming Ivies, to your epic elimination ceremony. Just for fun, tonight you will be competing in a challenge to see who goes home, instead of voting. Can you guess what it is? Well, can you?

Noah: Something stupid?

Chris: Yes—I mean, no! Tonight, we are doing something that requires patience. Skill. Thought. The ability to sit for hours on end without doing anything. Fishing!

Cody: Fishing! Alright! My uncle used to take me fishing all the time!

Gwen: Really? _You're_ good at _fishing_?

Cody: Why wouldn't I be? My uncle raised me right! Where I come from, fish means victory. I once caught one so big that it flattened my grandpa! Oh, it fought, it did, but it was no match for the Code-meister! I'm the best fisher in all the land. In fact-

Chris: Enough with the bragging. Let's explain the rules!

Duncan: I think we all know how to fish.

Chris: You think you know how to fish? Fine. I guess you don't need my tutorial. However, here's how it'll work. You all have exactly an hour to get the biggest fish possible. We'll then weigh them, and see whose catch weighs the least. Then we can say can say bye-bye Cody!

Cody: What do you mean? I'm not the one going home! I'm an expert fisher!

Chris: Sure you are. (He points to a pile of fishing rods at the end of the dock.) Your weapons, young fishers.

Beth: But I've never been fishing before! I can't do this!

Cody: I'll be sure to help you out. An expert has to share his knowledge, after all.

Duncan: Not when he doesn't have any.

Cody: Your insults do not affect me, faithful opponent!

Duncan: Whatever. So, can we start the challenge, or what? (In response, Chris blows into a fog horn.)

Chris: Your hour starts… now! (The campers run to the pile of fishing rods, and start grabbing their own. However, when they pull, they find them all tangled together.)

Eva: How are we supposed to deal with this? (Suddenly Izzy dives into all the fishing rods. When she comes back up, the rods are untangled, but there are hooks sticking her in many places.)

Izzy: Oops. That's kind of painful. (Gwen has gotten her rod, now, and is making her way over to the bait. However, when she gets to the bait can, she finds it empty. She looks up and sees Owen, who burps in response.)

Gwen: Owen! Don't tell me you ate all the bait!

Owen: What? I was hungry. Mmm… worms.

Chris: Guess you guys will have to use your own bait. (Duncan turns to Cody and grins.)

Cody: I'm not bait! And besides, a true fisherman does not need bait! (And with that, he races off down the beach. Meanwhile, Izzy is digging crazily through the soil.)

Izzy: I need to find a worm! Or, at least, something that looks like a worm… (She eyes Noah's crotch.)

Noah: Don't even think about it. (He takes some gum from his pocket, sticks it on his hook, and throws the line out into the water.) And now, I wait. (He sits down on the ground. Izzy does the exact same thing.)

Izzy: And now, I wait. Wow, it's boring being Noah!

Noah: I'm not boring! I'm exciting, and spontaneous!

Izzy: Yeah. Of course. Ooh! It looks like I've got a bite! (She starts reeling, and pulls out a large trout.) Ha! Nice!

Noah: Gah! I've got one too! (He starts reeling.) And it's really tugging! It's big! It's huge! It's… (He pulls it out, getting nothing more than a tiny minnow.) It's… pathetic.

**Confession Cam**

**Noah: Yeah… maybe I do need to work out more. **

**End of Confessionals **

(Gwen is struggling to get the bait onto her hook. Cody comes over and grins slyly.)

Cody: Allow me. (He takes the bait and stabs it onto the hook.) There. All… (He pulls up his hand, and realizes that he stabbed his finger.) YAHHHH! (He then proceeds to run around in circles for five minutes straight, until Gwen sticks out her foot, and he goes tumbling forwards.)

Gwen (unhooking the hook from his finger): I think I can do this myself, thank you.

Cody: Sure! Lady wants to do things her way! That's cool! That's rad! My finger… (Meanwhile, Trent has already caught a huge pile of fish, and has caught piles for Courtney and Eva, as well.)

Eva (grinning at her pile): This alliance seems to be a better idea by the challenge.

Trent: Yes, I did a favor for you. I think this can secure all three of our safeties. But now, I must ask you a little favor in return.

Eva: And what might that be? (Trent takes out the picture he took of Chris and Chef smiling lovingly at one another.)

Trent: Hold onto this.

Eva: That's all?

Trent: That's all.

**Confession Cam**

**Trent: That picture will come in handy in a while from now. I'm thinking… the final two. Ever heard of blackmail? You should try it. **

**End of Confessionals**

Lindsay: Oh, this is hard! (She is waving her line back and forth, trying to make it go into the water. As she pulls back, the hook grabs onto a bench, and flings it into the water. She pulls back again, and this time, the hook grabs onto Chris's hair, which is ripped off, and goes flying into the water. Finally, the hook grabs onto Chris himself.)

Lindsay: Whoa! I got a big catch!

Chris: I'm not a fish! I'm the host! A host that needs his hair! (He beckons at the water.)

Lindsay: Don't be silly. I caught you fair and square. (She reels him in.)

Chris: My hair! Where the heck is my hair! I want my hair! I want my hair!

Lindsay: Wow. I've never met a magical, _talking_ fish before! Kyle will be so impressed!

Chris: It's Chris! I'm Chris!

Lindsay: Chris? That's a weird name for a fish. I wonder if Kyle will like it.

Beth: Hey, I got a catch! (She reels in Chris's hair, soggy from the water.) Whoa. It's a strange, hairy fish!

Chris: My hair! (He snatches it away from her, and then puts it on his head.)

Beth: Aww… Lindsay, it looks like your fish likes my fish!

Lindsay: Aw, that's so cute! I wonder if we'll get bonus points from Kyle!

Chris: ENOUGH! You both pass. Happy? (He unhooks himself, and then sits down on a bench.)

Lindsay: My fish isn't very nice.

**Confession Cam**

**Chris: I've been having hair problems like crazy! I can never go anywhere without losing my hair! (He pats his head, and finds that his hair is, once again, missing. He hears a burp from outside.) Owen! My hair is not food! **

**Owen (from outside the confessional): Aw! But it looks like bleu cheese! **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris (straightening his dripping hair): Thirty minutes left, people!

Gwen: Oh, no! I have to get some fish!

Duncan: Don't worry Gwen, I'll get enough for the both of us. (He throws his line into the water. Meanwhile, Cody does the same.)

Cody: Get ready to learn a few things from the Code-meister! (Suddenly, he gets a tug.) Ooh, this one's a big one! (He starts to reel in. Meanwhile, Duncan has also caught something.)

Duncan: I've got something, too! It seems to be trying to reel me in! (He tugs even harder.)

Cody: Whoa! Steady boy. Calm down, calm down! (He tugs even harder.)

Duncan: Gah! How is this fish so strong? (He reels so fast his arms become a blur.)

Cody: I'll show this fish! (His skinny arms reel as forcefully as they can. Little do they know that their hooks are actually caught together. Finally, they go flying forward and slam into each other.)

Duncan: You caught my catch!

Cody: You stole mine!

Gwen: You expert fishermen caught each other. Congratulations. (And with that, she reels in a large, slapping salmon, and walks away.)

**Confession Cam**

**Cody: Embarrassing, embarrassing, embarrassing! I hope this doesn't go down in my rather impressive fishing records. **

**Duncan: Yeah, I'm not a great fisher. But I do like those fishnets Gwen's been wearing. S-E-X-Y! **

**End of Confessionals **

Justin: I can't catch a single fish! This is hopeless!

Alejandro: You haven't even picked up your rod, amigo! You've just been sitting on that bench the entire time!

Justin: Can't you just catch fish for the both of us?

Alejandro: No. You will do the work yourself for once.

Justin: I always work! Just look at my face! It's been through a lot lately!

Alejandro: Yeah, and I'm pretty sure you're scaring away all the fish. Wait, that gives me an idea… (He walks over to the edge of the water, and smiles a gleaming white smile. Immediately, tons of fish latch onto his body and start sucking on it as if it were the most succulent thing on the planet.)

Justin: That's kinda disturbing, but hey! It works. (He reaches over and plucks off a fish.)

Alejandro: And what makes you think you can just take one?

Justin: You mean I can take two? Nice!

Alejandro: That's not exactly what I meant. Now can you get all these fish off of me? Some of them are making me feel a little uncomfortable. (He beckons to one that is clinging to his crotch.)

Justin: Sure! (He takes the fish and tugs as hard as he can.)

Alejandro: YOWCH! Not like that, amigo!

Justin: Oops. Sorry.

Alejandro: Fine… it's just that… I think you just neutered me.

Justin: But these are fish we're talking about! Not newts!

Chris: And all of you better have your fish, cause time's up! Time to weigh! (Izzy runs over and hands him her fish.)

Izzy: I'm naming him… Noah!

Noah: Real original.

Izzy: I don't know, he just looks like you! I think it's something about how he doesn't say anything and he's always secluded into his own mind and he's antisocial!

Noah: Harsh. Though pretty accurate.

Chris (after weighing "Noah"): Hm. Not bad, Izzy. A good 10 pounder! What have you got to give, Noah? (Noah gives him his tiny minnow.)

Noah: Don't judge me.

Chris: Too bad I have to! And Noah pulls off half an ounce!

Noah: I doubt it'll be the worst. (But after having almost all the fish weighed, his fish is still the lowest weight. Gwen, who's third from the last, comes up to give Chris her fish.)

Chris: The goth chick pulls one off! What'd you do, use your fishnets to catch it?

Gwen: I actually _can_ fish, unlike these two back here. (She points to Duncan and Cody, who are both empty-handed.)

Chris: What? Cody, the self-proclaimed greatest fisher of them all, couldn't get a fish?

Cody: Hey man, they're like girls. Sometimes, they just get away, and no matter how hard you try to reel them in, they still won't bite. (He glances over at Gwen.)

Chris: Thank you, Cody, for that obscenely creepy metaphor. Is that all you have to offer? (Cody shrugs.)

Cody: I have more metaphors, in case you want them.

Duncan: No, I think we're good.

Chris: And what do you have offer, Duncan?

Duncan: I'm a good tattoo artist.

Chris: Well sadly, that has nothing to do with fishing. You two know that this means, don't you?

Cody: Everybody gets to stay?

Chris: Don't kid yourself. You two will have to compete against each other to see who goes home! Sudden death! Duncan goes first. He has thirty seconds to get a catch. Cody, you go after him. You have to beat whatever he catches, in weight, of course. Sound simple enough?

Duncan: Sure.

Cody: No problemo, Christian!

Chris: Don't call me that. Moving right along… you ready, Duncan?

Duncan: I've never been more ready.

Chris: Cody?

Cody: My testosterone's pumping!

Chris: TMI, dude. Let's start! Duncan! Grab your rod! Your other rod! Not the one down there! Yeah, that one! Now… go! (Duncan throws his line into the water and waits. All the while, Gwen is biting her fingernails in anticipation.)

**Confession Cam**

**Gwen: Duh, I wanted Duncan to win! He's my boyfriend! And truthfully, I don't know how I could survive the rest of the morons on this island without him. And getting rid of Cody would be a dream come true!**

**Cody: I'm sure Gwen was rooting for me. **

**End of Confessionals**

(It is fifteen seconds in when Duncan's line starts to tug. Grinning from ear to ear, he starts to reel whatever is tugging in.)

Duncan: I've got you now! (He yanks roughly.)

Courtney: No! This can't be happening! He's actually fishing!

Duncan: That's right, babe! And I'm going all… the… way! (He yanks as hard as he can, and up comes a gigantic great white shark, which lands on the beach with a thud. Duncan turns to Cody and grins.)

Duncan: Beat that, dweeb.

Cody (snatching the rod): Don't if I do! (He looks at Gwen) This one's for you, my Gwen.

**Confession Cam**

**Gwen: "My Gwen"? What kind of pet name is that? **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: Cody… you sure you're ready?

Cody: I'm never been more ready, dude! I'll fish until my butt starts sagging!

Chris: Weird term, but whatever. Go! (Cody throws his line into the water, and waits. It goes on like this for twenty seconds, just him sitting there, on the beach, waiting for something to come.)

Cody: Hm… are you sure there are fish in this water? (In response, Duncan points to his great white shark. Suddenly, Cody gets angry. He starts throwing his line farther and farther out into the ocean.)

Chris: 5… 4… 3…

Cody: Wait! I've got something! (He starts reeling his catch in. There, hooked to his fishing rod, is a glinting, million dollar case.)

Chris: Wait… could it be? It is! The million dollar case from Total Drama Drama Drama Drama Drama Island!

Beth: But I thought a shark ate it!

Chris: Must've had indigestion. Come to papa! (He jumps forward and hugs the case.)

Cody: So… do I win?

Chris: Nope. First we have to weigh each catch. (He props Duncan's shark on the scale) Duncan, yours weighs… eighty pounds!

Duncan: Yeah! That's eighty pounds of pure victory!

Cody: More like eighty pounds of pure failure. Check it! (He puts it on the scale. Chris walks over and examines it.)

Chris: Cody's case weighs….

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

79.999999999999 pounds!

Cody: What? So I lost?

Chris: Yep. Sorry dude.

Duncan: Ha! Poor dweeb!

Cody: Wait a minute! I found the case! So I get the money!

Chris: That's no fair! I want the money! I might have to recycle it for a later season!

Cody: Fine. You can either say goodbye to a million dollars, or eliminate me.

Gwen: Chris! You obviously have to get rid of Cody! Duncan won fair and square! Follow your heart!

Chris: Fine! I will follow my heart! And my heart tells me to…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

...

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

Take the money! (And with that, he snatches the case out of Cody's hands.)

Cody: So I'm still in?

Chris: I guess you are. (He opens the case and starts licking the money, like he's starved for currency.)

Duncan: This is impossible! No! NOOOO!

Chris: Not used to not being the writer's pet, huh, Duncan?

Trent: YES!

Courtney: YYEESSS!

Trent: YYYYYEEEEEESSSSS!

Courtney: !

Duncan: OK, I get it, you're both super happy I'm leaving. Geez. (He starts to make his way down the Dock of Shame.)

Cody: See ya, Duncan! (Duncan turns to him and grins smugly.)

Duncan: You might think you're super smart or something, but just realize this, bub. You just gave up a million dollars to stay in a game competing for one hundred thousand dollars. Not your smartest move, I would say.

Cody: Oops. I really am an idiot.

Gwen: Duncan! Wait! (She runs up to him. Instead of saying a word, she just runs into his arms and hugs him. They are about to do more, when they are interrupted by a loud cough from Trent.)

Duncan: Eh, I'm happy to get off this island anyway. It saves me from these morons. (He looks at Trent and Cody when he says this.) I'll see you in a day or so, Gwen. (With that, he boards the Boat of Losers, and it speeds away.)

Gwen: That's so touching. Hey, wait a minute! Why'd he say he'd see me in a _day_ or so?

Courtney: He means that _you're_ next.

**On the Boat of Losers**

Duncan: *Sigh* Not my best season, I would say… (Suddenly, he hears a voice from the front seat.)

?: Would you like to change that, eh?

Duncan: What… what do you mean? Who are you? (The person driving steps into the light, revealing him to be none other than Ezekiel, grinning from ear to ear. Heather follows him.)

Duncan: Wait a minute… what the f***? You two are supposed to be gone!

Ezekiel: Oh we are, eh. But we wanna come back.

Heather: We're planning a revolt. And as much as it disgusts me, we need your help.

Duncan: What's in it for me?

Ezekiel: Revenge. That's why we're doing it.

Duncan: If that's the case… (He smiles) Count me in. But I have one question. Who's driving the boat?

Ezekiel: Oops.

**Back at Camp**

(Cody is sitting on the porch of the Screaming Ivy cabin, with his head in his hands. He perks up, however, when Gwen starts walking towards him. When the goth girl gets to him, she sits down next to him. Cody is about to open his mouth, when she shushes him.)

Gwen: Shut up. I don't need to hear your voice right now. But I need to tell you one thing. If you think that what you've just done has gotten you any closer to winning my heart, you're so wrong it's disgusting. The only reason I'm not completely angry with you is that I knew you were just trying to win. But if you ever flirt with me again, I'll tear you limb from limb.

Cody: That's… good to know.

Gwen: Good night, Cody. (She walks into the cabin and slams the door behind her. As Cody sits there, under the porch light, he can only think of one thing.)

Cody (in his head): _I should have lost that challenge._

**Will Cody be able to get Gwen to forgive him?**

**Or did eliminating her boyfriend not help? Well, duh, it didn't help! **

**What will become of Trent's alliance? **

**Does Noah really like Izzy?**

**What could Trent be planning to do with the photo of Chris and Chef? **

**How will Ezekiel's alliance rebel? And when?**

**What will be the next's days surprises?**

**And what other ambiguous questions could be asked?**

**Find out next time on **

**Total Drama Returns!**

**Eliminated: Heather, Duncan**

**Still in the game: Noah, Katie, Sadie, Cody, Trent, Lindsay, Beth, Harold, Eva, Tyler, Izzy, Owen, Sierra, Alejandro, Gwen, Courtney, Leshawna, Justin, Geoff, Bridgette, DJ**

**Elsewhere: Ezekiel**

**Note: Sorry to all Duncan fans. Once again, it's all in the story. However, he's lucky enough to be one of the people that join the rebellion, so there will be more of him later. As you can see, I've definitely paved the way to a Gwen hatred for Cody. And let me tell you, it will eat him up. But neither Cody nor Gwen will be the main focus for chapters to come. This chapter, however, as you can tell, was mostly Cody. That's all for now, and I hope you've been enjoying my story! Please review. With a cherry on top? **


	10. Day 3 Part 1: THE GREAT QUINTATHLON

**Total Drama Returns**

The Cheesebub's Message: OK, last chapter was not the most dramatic… it only got a measly two reviews… but whatever, I'll keep on writing! Sorry about another late update. But now that it is ski week, I'll be able to upload quicker .

Chris Mclean: Last time on Total Drama Returns… the victims—er, I mean _campers_, hit beach for some fun in the water and sun! First, for the reward challenge, the teams chose three campers to represent them in an extreme surfing challenge. Due to our favorite deviously gay guitarist, Trent, Bridgette lost the challenge, but also ended up in the infirmary. Has Trent gone insane? Even if he has, he was still able to add an extra player to his alliance, Eva, the powerhouse girl with horrible constipation issues! For the immunity challenge, the campers had to go around in pedal boats, spraying each other like psychos, all for the amusement of myself and Chef, who were watching as we got our nails done. Have you seen Chef's new hot pink nails? Sooooo stylish. (He looks at the camera.) What? They are. Anyways, the Screaming Ivy lost and went to elimination, where they had to compete to see who goes home in an exciting fishing challenge. To make a long story short, Duncan lost thanks to Cody, and was eliminated. Hopefully, he hasn't joined that stupid little rebellion of Ezekiel's. (As he says this, Heather, Ezekiel, and Duncan sneak by.) What will become of Trent's alliance? Will Gwen forgive Cody? And will Chef get his nails done in an even better color? I doubt it, hot pink looks sooo good on him. Find out here on…. Total Drama Returns!

**(Theme Song Plays)**

**Day 3 Part 1—Chapter 10: THE GREAT QUINTATHLON, Part 1**

Chris: AUUGGHHHHHH! (He wakes up, sweating profusely. It is early morning. Chef abruptly wakes up and snarls.)

Chef: What the f**k do you think you're doin'?

Chris: I don't know, but I just had a horrible nightmare! Do you want to know what happened?

Chef: No.

Chris: I'll tell you anyway. It started off as any other dream. You and I were having a picnic on a beautiful hill, sharing a bottle of the loveliest champagne…

Chef: WHAT?

Chris: … and eating the most beautiful feast you had ever seen! It was all in the glowing sunset, and the sky was just the most beautiful color! But just as we were digging in, a bunch of Ezekiels ran in and started stomping all over our picnic! They even got their dirty feet in the egg salad! It was horrid!

Chef: That was just a dream, Chris. Go back to sleep.

Chris: But what if it isn't a dream? What if Ezekiel actually is going to try to ruin our picnic? And step in the egg salad?

Chef: Well, one, we're never going to have a picnic, and two, if we did, we wouldn't be eating goddamn egg salad! We'd be eating real food!

Chris: So it's a date?

Chef: Go back to bed, Chris.

**Atop Mount Wawanakwa**

Ezekiel: The food's fresh and hot, eh. (He is stirring a bowl over a fire.)

Duncan: I'll have some of that. You sexists better be good cooks. (He walks over and grabs a spoon.)

Ezekiel: I aint a sexist anymore! I'm a Canadian! Strong and prood, eh!

Heather: Whatever. Do you know how many carbs that little soup you're making has in it?

Ezekiel: Why would you care about that? We're lucky we're getting any food at all! We're just lucky I meself knows how to look.

Heather: When are we gonna rebel already? We've spent enough time in hiding!

Ezekiel: All in good time, all in good time. We must first strengthen are resources.

Heather: We've already got Chris's diary. What else is there to get?

Ezekiel: One more member, eh. And then… we will triumph! We'll storm the place like never before! We'll ransack the kitchen, enslave the campers, and throw Chris and Chef to the sharks, eh!

Duncan: Sounds good to me. Especially the part where we throw Chris and Chef to the sharks.

Heather: You boys are so stupid. How are we going to achieve that?

Ezekiel: First, we eat a hearty breakfast! (He stuffs a spoonful of soup in his mouth.) Yum. (Duncan scoops up some also and stuffs it in his mouth. Immediately, he gags.)

Duncan: What is this stuff? Crap?

Ezekiel: Yes.

Duncan: Wait, it is?

Ezekiel: Yes, it's crap, eh. Bear crap, to be exact. Didn't want to go huntin', so I decided this would have to do. (Duncan shrugs and takes another bite.)

Heather: You idiots are disgusting! I'll go eat some real food! (She starts to walk away, but trips, and her face lands right in the pot. She pulls her head up, and it is caked in you-know-what.)

Heather: GAAHHH!

Duncan: Hey, you got the facial you've been wanting.

Heather: I hate this place!

**Mess Hall**

(The groggy campers are sitting at their tables, some trying hard not to fall back asleep.)

Tyler: Uggh… a jock's got to have his rest… but last night, I couldn't sleep! (He glares over at Harold, who is playing Nintendo DS, as usual.)

Harold: What?

Geoff: Dude, you were playing that thing _all_ night. It was shining in all of our faces!

Harold: Well, what do you expect me to do?

DJ: Stop playing Nintendo! We're in the nature! We should embrace it!

Leshawna: Well, don't you be embracin' it too hard, or you'll kill more of them poor animals. (DJ nods solemnly at this.)

Leshawna: And as for Harold… (She slaps his hand, and he drops his Nintendo DS. However, when it hits the floor, it bounces back up into his hands.)

Harold: It's a good thing my Nintendo DS was wearing her bouncy cover today. She's indestructible with it on!

**Confession Cam**

**Leshawna: That Harold has been gettin' on my last nerve! The boy is losin' social skills, every minute he plays that damn Nintendo of his! (She looks at the camera.) What? You don't think I have social skills, either? I do too! I just don't stand for idiots! Which, mind yall, there are quite a few of at this camp… **

**Harold: I wrote a poem for my dearest Nintendo. Wanna hear it? **

**Confession Cam: No!**

**Harold: It goes a little something like this…**

**Every night, I lie awake, **

**Unlike Owen, I don't think of cake, **

**Without you, my heart would ache! **

**I would die, if you were to break. **

**Touching, aint it? **

**End of Confessionals**

Cody: Hey! Gwen! (He sits down next to her and grins. Gwen, in response, gets up and sits farther away, next to Courtney.)

Courtney: Why are you sitting next to me?

Gwen: Why not?

Courtney: We're mortal enemies! We can't sit near each other!

Gwen: My life can't get much worse now.

Courtney: Had your heart broken? Duncan would've tried harder, if he had really loved you.

Gwen: He tried his absolute hardest! You and Trent were up against him the entire time!

Courtney: Are you accusing us of rigging the game?

Gwen: I'm not sure. But you two are up to something. And I'll make sure to stop it, in any way I can.

Courtney: I think you might be forgetting what Duncan said. (Gwen thinks back to the night before.)

_Gwen: Duncan! Wait! (She runs up to him. Instead of saying a word, she just runs into his arms and hugs him. They are about to do more, when they are interrupted by a loud cough from Trent.) _

_Duncan: Eh, I'm happy to get off this island anyway. It saves me from these morons. (He looks at Trent and Cody when he says this.) I'll see you in a day or so, Gwen. (With that, he boards the Boat of Losers, and it speeds away.)_

_Gwen: That's so touching. Hey, wait a minute! Why'd he say he'd see me in a day or so?_

_Courtney: He means that you're next. _

Gwen: You think I'm not capable of starting my own alliance?

Trent: I'd like to see you try.

Gwen: Where'd you come from?

Trent: I was sitting here the whole time!

Gwen: No you weren't.

Trent: Whatever. Seriously, you think you can form an alliance? I'll tell it to you this way, OK? The alliances have already been formed. Alejandro's got an alliance with Justin, and he's got Lindsay and Beth wrapped around his little finger. Courtney, Eva, and I are also in one. You wanna start an alliance? Look at your options. (Gwen glances over at the rest of the table. Cody is smiling at her very creepily, Izzy is constructing some sort of bomb out of her own belly button lint, and Noah is reading a book, when suddenly he freezes up.)

Noah: Gah! Cramp! Cramp! Izzy! (Izzy runs over and slams her fist into his elbow.)

Izzy: Better? I learned that move at a war camp I once snuck into.

Noah: Actually, much better. I must have turned one of the pages too fast. You know what physical exertion can do to my body.

Gwen: That's pathetic.

Courtney: Exactly. Try to form an alliance with what meager supplies you have left. But then again, maybe you should just give up now and save yourself the trouble.

**Confession Cam**

**Gwen: Are you serious? I'm completely doomed! Noah, Izzy, or Cody? Not exactly what I had in mind. **

**Noah: Whew. I have to be more careful when I'm reading from now on. **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: Congratulations to all of you. You've made it to the final 21!

Eva: Yeah, that's a biiigggg celebration.

Chris: Hey, it is in my mind! All of you have made it through at least one elimination ceremony!

Owen: Do we get some sort of prize? Like fooooood?

Chris: Actually, none of you are getting breakfast this morning!

Sierra: Come on! We're all starving! And due to my extensive research on Chris mood patterns, I know you wouldn't give us breakfast without a very good reason.

Chris: Here's a reason for all of you: I don't feel like it!

Bridgette: Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.

Chris: I don't need your sassy remarks, Blondie. You guys should be thanking me for not feeding you. Unless, of course, you want to be super slow in today's GREAT QUINTATLON!

Leshawna: And what the hell is that?

Owen: It sounds like a type of candy bar! Are we getting candy bars?

Chris: Not at all, Owen my man. The GREAT QUINTATHLON is a five-part race all around the island.

Noah: Oh, boy. I just _knew_ there had to be physical exertion involved!

Chris: Right you are, egghead. The GREAT QUINTATHLON—

Eva: Why do you have to speak in uppercase when you say it?

Chris: It wouldn't be dramatic otherwise! Now let me finish! There are five parts to the GREAT QUINTATHLON. First, you must pogo stick up Mount Wawanakwa. Once you get to the top, you take a goat down the side of the mountain! But be careful… we've rigged mines in the most unlikely of places! Next, you must go across a tightrope above a pit of man-eating chickens.

Beth: "Man-eating _chickens_"?

Chris: Yes, Beth, man-eating chickens. I'm glad you were listening. Sharks are too boring nowadays, so we thought man-eating chickens would add a new flavor to this show!

Katie: Where do you get man-eating chickens?

Chris: Iraq. That's where we get most of our stuff. They've got some messed up products in the Middle East!

Courtney: It's due to all the stupid Americans, hurling bombs at them. We Canadians would never get into wars like that!

Chris: Except when we're fighting over the last bottle of maple syrup at the grocery store.

Owen: Mmm… maple syrup…

Trent: Wow, this is getting off topic. Can we go back to talking about today's challenge?

Courtney: Yeah, though I do enjoy these political talks. After all, I, being class president, need to be well informed on all government happenings. Hey! Maybe we can spend one challenge sitting around discussing political issues!

Chris: Yeah, like _that's_ gonna happen. Anyways, going back to the challenge… part four of the GREAT QUINTATHLON is a smooth, peaceful kayak trip down the Rapid River, where speeds can reach up to one hundred miles an hour! And finally, you'll have to trek through the dense, thick jungle, about a thirty kilometer distance. First team to have all their members across wins!

Alejandro: So this is an individual challenge?

Chris: Pretty much.

Justin: Um, Chris? It says so right in my manual that I cannot perform in any of the said activities. Too much strain on my glute. (He holds up a book, and points to page. However, what he doesn't know is that he is not holding up his manual but a Playboy magazine. Some of the other campers snicker. Justin looks at what he is holding up and screams.)

Justin: What happened to my manual?

Chris: I destroyed it. And that means you still have to compete!

Justin: NO! I can't! I may permanently damage my face! I'll lose all my modeling jobs! (Alejandro comes up behind him and places a hand on his shoulder.)

Alejandro: Calm down, amigo. You're just making a fool of yourself.

Chris: Yes, listen to the seductive latino. I cannot deal with whining right now. Oh, and one more thing: This is an immunity challenge!

Katie: No prize?

Sadie: We don't get the convertible you promised us?

Chris: I never promised you a convertible! And anyways, since this is such a long challenge, I thought that it could just be an immunity challenge. That way, today won't be divided into like, six parts! After all, all the viewers care about is watching you guys get booted.

Alejandro: And the rich pop cultural references and satirical humor.

Chris: Yeah… not really. Everybody, follow me to the starting line!

**Confession Cam**

**Tyler: I was psyched about today's challenge! It was finally time to show off my athletic skills! (He jumps up on the seat of the toilet and strikes a pose. However, he slips, and his head lands in the toilet.) I planned that.**

**Beth: I was most excited about riding goats! After all, growing up on a farm, I practically **_**lived**_** among the goats! Maybe it's because my mom never let me in the house… something about me being a disgusting little vermin… **

**Owen: Uh-oh… pogo sticks and me don't exactly "mix". Usually, I either end up creating a hole in the ground or getting one right into my kiwis. **

**Cody: Why doesn't Gwen forgive me? Besides the obvious, of course. The good news is that Sierra hasn't been trying to kill me lately. Has she matured or something? **

**Sierra: I think I'm back to normal. After I almost killed Cody, I looked back upon what I did and decided I would just be myself! (Suddenly, there's a knock on the door.) **

**DJ (from outside the Confessional): Is anybody in there?**

**Sierra: Yes! Now go away, you miserable excuse for a human being! (Crying, DJ runs away.) Oops. That sort of just slipped out of me. **

**Gwen: So I have to choose between Cody, Noah, or Izzy for my alliance. I've already canceled out Cody, you know why. And Noah doesn't seem of any use at all, either. So that leaves me with… (She swallows deeply) …Izzy. **

**End of Confessionals**

(The campers are all standing at a large starting line. In front of them looms Mount Wawanakwa.)

Chris: Here, my victims—er, I mean _campers_. (He throws each of them a pogo stick. Owen's obviously, stabs him right in the groin.)

Owen: Augh, my kiwis…

Tyler: You guys ready for major schoolage? I'll teach ya exactly how to do it! (He jumps onto his pogo stick, and bounces. Immediately, he goes flying up into the air, soaring higher and higher, until he disappears into the sky.)

Geoff (watching the spot where Tyler disappeared): Everybody make a wish.

Bridgette: Geoff! That's not funny! Tyler could be gone forever!

Lindsay: Tyler? What happened to Tyler?

Alejandro: That is of no importance. Let us prepare ourselves.

Lindsay: No! Tyler! I have to save him! (She jumps onto her pogo stick, and starts to hop.)

Alejandro: You're holding it upside down—

Lindsay: That doesn't matter! I'm coming, Tyler! (She springs forward, and lands flat on her face.)

Justin: See, Chris? Something like that could happen to me!

Chris: You'd be better that way. Wouldn't be hogging so much of my screen time.

Justin: Fine. Let's see if you work, you stupid pile of junk. (Pouting, he tries to mount his pogo stick, but when he walks over to it, it springs upward and hits him in the jaw.)

Justin (rubbing his chin): What was that? That pogo stick doesn't like me!

Chris: Pogo sticks have feelings, too, ya know.

Justin: Stupid children's toy, I'll show you! (A murderous look in his eyes, he tackles the pogo stick. The two then start to fight, rolling across the ground. The pogo stick comes out victorious, and starts bouncing up and down on Justin's butt.)

Justin: Ouch! My butt! My butt! Have mercy!

Chris: I really love this show. (Meanwhile, Izzy is dancing a ballet with her pogo stick when Gwen comes up behind her.)

Gwen: Uh... what are you doing?

Izzy: What does it look like I'm doing, silly goose?

Gwen: It looks like you're molesting your pogo stick.

Izzy: Precisely.

Gwen: Why would you do that?

Izzy: I like eggs.

Gwen: Uh… OK. That's… good to know. Been in any alliances lately?

Izzy: Well, old Cheffy tried to bait me into another illegal one, but I sure showed him. Ten swirlies was enough to make him give up.

Gwen: You're not in alliance with Trent, or anything?

Izzy: Trent? Never. In fact… I think he might be being hunted down by the RCMP as we speak! Why else is he acting so creepy?

Gwen: Trent's an evil bastard.

Izzy: So do I.

Gwen: What?

Izzy: What?

Gwen: OK… this is awkward. I'll just tell it to you this way. Ya wanna be in an alliance?

Izzy: Sure!

Gwen: What? Really?

Izzy: Yeah! The creepy goth girl with the super awesome chick! Now we just need a nickname for you… how about the Emo Wonder?

Gwen: Gwen's fine.

**Confession Cam**

**Gwen: I can't believe that actually **_**worked**_**! Trent and Courtney, you're going down! Izzy will be **_**so**_** useful in my alliance!**

**Izzy: Hmm… now if only I could remember what an alliance was…**

**End of Confessionals**

Katie: Man… this is hard! (She and Sadie are trying to mount the pogo stick, but are finding that it is hard to put two people on one stick.)

Sadie: If only there was an easier way!

Chris: I've got a nice pair of scissors right here. I can always just disconnect you two.

Katie and Sadie: No! We'll find a way! (Suddenly, Katie gets an idea.)

Katie: I know! One of us can be the pogo stick, and carry the other person!

Sadie: That's a great idea! But the question is… which one of us is the pogo stick?

Katie: Well, I kinda look more like a pogo stick.

Sadie: What's _that_ supposed to mean?

Katie: It's just that you look more like a beach ball, or something like that!

Sadie: Are you calling me fat?

Katie: Well, you _are_ kind of fat. Actually, you're _really_ fat. I don't know if I can carry you.

Sadie: So I can be the pogo stick?

Katie: Sure.

Sadie: Yay! I'm a pogo stick! I'm a pogo stick!

Chris: How they remain friends is uncertain to me. Alrighty, campers! You guys ready to rock it?

All the campers: NO!

Chris: Too bad! Let's get this show on the road! (He takes out a pair of scissors and snaps them dramatically. Immediately, Katie and Sadie jump back in fear.)

Chris: Don't worry, ladies, I'm just cutting the ribbon. It is traditional, after all. (He reaches forward and cuts the ribbon.) GOOO! (He has to quickly jump out of the way, for a stampede of pogo sticks bounces by. Eva leads the pack, grinning from ear to ear.)

**Confession Cam**

**Eva: This was **_**my **_**challenge. None of the weaklings on this show are even **_**close **_**to my physical strength! I'd tear every one of them to shreds, if I didn't take my meds! Hey, a rhyme. I **_**hate**_** rhymes. **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: Noah? What are you doing? The rest of the group is _way _ahead of you!

Noah: I… don't… know… how… to… pogo…stick! (He is bouncing up the mountain at the pace of about an inch per minute. Not too farther up is Owen, who is also trying hard, but failing miserably. The fat boy's face is already drenched in sweat, and he is breathing heavily.)

Owen: The sun… the heat… no food… It's too much for me to handle!

Noah: Just keep going, tubby. I'm right behind ya.

Chris: You two _really_ need to get into shape! You're demeaning yourselves on national TV!

Noah: So what? Who… needs strength… when you have mind power! Eww! Owen! Your sweat is hitting me in the face!

Owen: Oops. Sorry. Oh, I think I'm having sunstroke!

Noah: No you aren't!

Owen: My chest! It's clamping up!

Noah: No it isn't, now get a hold of yourself!

Owen: OK. I've got this. (He's lets out a calm, soft fart.) Ahh… now I am tranquil.

Noah (plugging his nose): And I am nauseous. (Meanwhile, the rest of the group has thinned out. Leshawna is riding right behind Harold, and glaring at him angrily.)

Leshawna: You need to stop playing that thing and pay attention to what you're doing!

Harold: I'm an excellent pogo sticker. I don't need to pay attention to what I'm doing. (Immediately after he says this, he slams into a tree.)

Leshawna (as she hops past him): That's all karma, sugar baby, all karma. (She gets up to where Cody is, and sees that he is staring at the ground as he proceeds, his face dark.)

Leshawna: What's your problem, short stuff?

Cody: Gwen hates me, I don't know how to pogo stick, and I just peed in my pants.

Leshawna: That's a lot to deal with. Why is Gwen hatin' you? You seem like a cool kid, short stuff.

Cody: I got Duncan booted last night.

Leshawna: Really? _You're_ the one who sent him packin'? I can't thank you enough. That boy needed to learn a thing called R-E-S-P-E-C-T. And a little something called M-O-U-T-H-W-A-S-H! (Suddenly, Bridgette comes up behind them.)

Bridgette: Seriously? Cody got Duncan eliminated?

Leshawna: Yeah, he did it.

Bridgette: That's seriously cool, dude!

Cody: I didn't know you ladies hated him so much.

Bridgette: It's just good when someone stands up for what is right, you know? You're pretty awesome, Cody, for a geek, that is. (Cody smiles sheepishly.)

**Confession Cam**

**Cody: So beating Duncan in a tie breaker got me a few points with the fine ladies. But that doesn't matter to me, when Gwen won't even say a word to me. She doesn't even give me monosyllabic answers, like most girls do! **

**End of Confessionals**

(Courtney is trudging along, bouncing as hard as she can.)

Courtney (in a song-like tune): I… hate… Chris! I… hate… Chris! (Suddenly, something orange flies by, knocking her off her pogo stick.)

Izzy: Woohoo! I've never felt more alive!

Courtney (spitting out dirt): You'll pay for that—(She is cut off when a pogo stick carrying Geoff smashes into her face.)

Chris (from the bushes): Brutal! I knew having pogo sticks would be fun! (Meanwhile, Justin is attempting to ride his pogo stick, without very good results. Whenever he mounts it, it either bucks him off or smashes straight into a tree. Because of that, he is in third to last place, followed by Owen and Noah.)

Justin (holding down his pogo stick, which is squirming angrily in his grasp): Calm down, boy! Or are you a girl? I can't really tell. (Suddenly, the pogo stick slips from his clutches and smashes down onto his head. It then sits there, waiting expectantly.)

Justin: What, you want me to carry you? (The pogo stick nods.) But that's delusional! I am not lower on the food chain than you are! This is completely preposterous! (The pogo stick slams into his cranium again.)

Justin: Ow! Fine! But can you quit bouncing on me like that? You're flattening my hair, depriving it of all its luscious volume! (He then proceeds to carry the pogo stick up the hill.)

**Confession Cam**

**Justin: Don't judge me.**

**End of Confessionals**

Eva: Can't you suckers go any faster? (She is leading the rest of the pack by at least a hundred yards.)

Katie: Me and my pogo stick will not respond to that insult!

Sadie: Yeah!

Eva: Whatever. See you at the finish line!

Izzy: Izzy can go fast, too! Vroom vroom!

Gwen: Save your energy for later, Izzy. Eva's making a mistake. She'll run out of fuel soon enough.

Izzy: But it's like she's running on diesel!

Gwen: Something will slow her down. I'm positive. And besides, she's on our team. (She glances over at the bushes, and has to restrain a cry of surprise. Peering out from the thickets is none other than Duncan, Mohawk and all. But in a split second, he's gone.)

Sierra: What is it? What did you see?

Gwen: Duncan? Maybe? I don't know. I think it was just a trick of the light.

Sierra: That is, unless, he's joined Ezekiel.

Gwen: What… what do you mean?

Sierra: You didn't know? Ezekiel's still on the island! Heather and he are preparing a revolt!

Gwen: How do you know about this?

Sierra: It's all over the Total Drama Blogs. They're the new talk of the town!

Gwen: Oh, boy. I can definitely see Duncan being a part of this. (Meanwhile, Justin, who has been carrying his pogo stick for an hour now, is extremely tired.)

Justin: I don't know how much more of this I can take! And what's that awful smell?

Owen: Oh. Sorry. (Justin suddenly sees Alejandro not to far up.)

Justin: Alejandro! Can you give me a hand here? Alejandro? Alejandro? Al? Al? (He sees Alejandro slowly tense up, and suddenly, the latino brings his foot back, and kicks a rather large rock straight at Justin with his heel. The rock slams into Justin's abdomen and sends his straight to the ground.)

**Confession Cam**

**Alejandro: Sometimes, people just don't know when to shut up. Justin just kept on blabbing and blabbing about how tired he was, and how mangled his face was, and how much he liked his butt, and all sorts of stupid stuff like that! It got on my last nerve! Don't people like him ever take a hint? It irks me to the maximum! And so many people in the world are like that! They just sit in one place and rant about all the things that annoy them, taking up a whole paragraph just to get out what they need say! I mean, seriously who would be stupid enough to do that? Justin should know that a person like him is better seen than heard. (He pauses) What? I'm not a hypocrite! I just hate people who rant! Though hypocrites are really annoying… they just think that they're so perfect! It irks me so much! My brother, for instance, is very big hypocrite. If the world were run by hypocrites, we'd be in turmoil! Luckily, I am not a hypocrite. But people who rant about everything they hate really get on my nerves. Speaking of which, do you know how much I hate bananas? They're just so yellow, and—(The camera shuts off)**

**End of Confessionals**

Beth: Uh… Alejandro? Why'd you just do that? That wasn't very nice!

Alejandro: What? Oh, my foot must've slipped. I'm sure Justin will be fine. Now, tell me how hot I am again.

Beth: You're super hot.

Alejandro: Gracias. Tell me it again.

Lindsay: Guys! How can you two just stand there when we have to go save Tyler!

Alejandro: Tyler's fine. In fact… I think he's in super happy rainbow land!

Lindsay: Really? You think that's where he is?

Alejandro: Definitely. He wanted to, er… get a spa treatment! He'll be back soon enough.

Lindsay: Hooray! I'm so happy for him! (She looks up, and suddenly, sees a red dot in the sky.) Oh no! Tyler! I'm coming, Tyler! (She turns to Alejandro)

Lindsay: You lied to me! (She gets a determined look in her eyes.) I will save you, Tyler. What with your blond hair, and weird pink shirt, and gigantic hat…

Beth: That's Geoff, Lindsay.

Lindsay: Whatever! I'm going to do this. For Tyler! (And with that, she starts hopping away.)

Beth (to Alejandro): Wow, I've never seen her more determined, have you?

Alejandro: No. Now tell me how hot I am again.

Beth: You're super hot.

Alejandro: Gracias. Tell me it again.

**Confession Cam**

**Beth: I am **_**not**_** getting played by Alejandro! Do you really think I'd be stupid enough to fall for him? (She looks at the camera expectantly.) Well, do you? **

**Lindsay: It was all up to me. I had to avenge Tyler, the love of my life! **

**End of Confessionals**

Owen: Oh no! Justin! (He has gotten to Justin's unconscious body, lying in the dirt. The model's pogo stick is jumping up and down on top of him impatiently.)

Owen: Oh, Justin! Why did this have to happen to you? Why?

Noah: Just keeping going, bub. He's just unconscious.

Owen: But, without Justin… I am nothing! (He slowly lets go of the handles of his pogo stick.)

Noah: Owen, you imbecile! What are you doing? (He suddenly sees Owen rolling down the mountain towards him, kicking up gravel. Right before he makes impact, Noah is able to say one last thing.)

Noah: Oh great.

**Confession Cam**

**(Noah, in a full body cast, goes on a long rant about Owen, but the whole speech is muffled through his bandages.) **

**End of Confessionals**

(Chris and Chef are watching all of this and laughing hysterically.)

Chef: That must be a new record, huh? One hour into the competition and already one contestant severely injured.

Chris: I know! This is gonna be awesome! And I'm so glad I get to watch all the injuries with you, Chef.

Chef: Uh… OK. (Chris turns to the camera and does his signature sign off)

**What can the contestants expect to face in the later parts of the challenge?**

**Will Alejandro realize how big a hypocrite he is? **

**Can Ezekiel be found? **

**And will Gwen's alliance with Izzy hold up?**

**Find out in the next painfully fun chapter of**

**Total Drama Returns! **


	11. Day 3 Part 2: Wait, we meant Pentathlon

**Total Drama Returns**

The Cheesebub's Message: **READ THIS NOTE!** Please, if you're reading and enjoying my story, I would love for you to let me know via a review. Any feedback is very helpful to making this story better. Constructive criticism is also wanted. Also, I have a poll going on my user page asking if I should start an OC story, where you get to send in characters to compete in Total Drama. If you participate in the poll, that would be wonderful. People who have reviewed almost every single one of my chapters (*cough* Punk Rockette *cough*) might have a better chance of getting their OC's in. People who review this chapter might also have a better chance of getting in. But then again, that might be bias. What do you think?

**Day 3 Part 2—Chapter 11: THE GREAT QUINTATHLON Part 2**

Heather: Look at all of them, competing so happily. I should be among them! And not a single person on my team is in an alliance. If I were there, I would already have Katie, Sadie, and Sierra wrapped around my finger! (She, Duncan, and Ezekiel are all watching the campers through the bushes.)

Ezekiel: No need to be bitter, eh. I'm sure that even if you were to come back, you'd probably get booted first again. You're kind of a bitch.

Duncan: _Kind of_? That's an understatement.

Heather: Shut up! You two don't know anything!

Ezekiel: I know what 2 plus 2 equals! Beat that, homie!

Duncan: Don't tell me you're still speaking that stupid gangster talk.

Ezekiel: What's wrong with gangster talk? Aint it hippy?

Heather: "Hip"? No it isn't, so shut up. We need to watch the game. (They peer out of the bushes.)

Duncan: Hey! There's Gwen! (He jumps up, about to embrace her, when Heather yanks him back down.

Heather: Do you _want_ to get yourself caught?

Duncan: But… I want to give her this! (He holds up a flask of yellow liquid.)

Ezekiel: What is that?

Heather: Don't tell me that's your pee! That's disgusting!

Duncan: I thought she might want it, in case she missed me.

Ezekiel: That's really sweet, eh!

Duncan: I know. Look, now Harold's out there! Ha! Look at the dork! Pathetic, I tell ya.

Harold: Who said that? (He jumps around on his pogo stick for a couple of minutes, slicing through the air with his hands.) Whoever said that, I know tai chi!

Duncan (whispering): Hey, check this out. (He reaches into his pocket and pulls out Birdey, his pet bird spider.) This is gonna be classic. (Duncan releases Birdey, and the spider scuttles forward. Harold screams like a little girl when he sees the spider, and starts hopping around frantically.)

Harold: Gah! Relax, you Animalia Arthropoda Arachnida Araneae Mygalomorphae Theraphosidae Theraphosa T. blondi!

Ezekiel: Is that the new slang you guys speak nowadays?

Duncan: No, that's just uber-nerd language. The most disgusting language of all. He deserves this. Sic him, boy. (The spider jumps at Harold's face, and clings to his nose.)

Harold: Ahhh! Stop, you Animalia Arthropoda Arachn—(He is cut off by the spider climbing into his mouth.)

Duncan: Slapstick humor doesn't get any better than this!

Ezekiel: You can say that, eh! (He gets up and starts pointing and laughing at Harold. Harold notices Ezekiel and gasps.)

Harold: Ezeki—(He falls over, with the spider on top of him. When Birdey scuttles away, Harold is unconscious.)

Duncan: Good job, boy. (He takes a granola bar and feeds it to the spider.)

Ezekiel: What flavor was that?

Duncan: Human. It seems to be his favorite these days.

Heather: You should get rid of that disgusting creature! It's gonna kill you in your sleep someday, I tell you.

Duncan: Oh, it's tried. But I always sleep with one eye open.

Ezekiel: Cool! I wish I knew how to sleep with one eye open!

Duncan: It's just a phrase. (Suddenly, they all hear a voice.)

Alejandro: Pity shame. I wonder what happened to him. (He has demounted his pogo stick and is kicking Harold's body.)

Beth: What do you think could have done this?

Alejandro: I do not know. But I will make sure that something like that does not happen to you, my beautiful Beth! Now, tell me how hot I am again.

Beth: You're super hot.

Alejandro: Gracias. Now, tell me it again. (They hop away, with Beth sucking up to Alejandro all the while.)

Heather: What is _he_ doing with _her_?

Ezekiel: I'm surprised you care, eh. Is somebody jealous?

Heather: No! He's obviously just playing her… isn't he?

Duncan: I don't know, he's looking pretty passionate out there…

Heather: Well, I don't care! Why should I care? (She turns away from the clearing and crosses her arms.)

**Confession Cam**

**Heather: I do **_**not**_** like Alejandro! Why does everybody think that? Maybe I would, if he stopped manipulating everyone… who does that? (She pauses) Besides me, of course. He also needs to get rid of that creepy puppet of his. It's starting to really scare me. **

**Duncan: I'm not worried about Birdey killing me. I'm perfectly safe when I'm around him! Now if I only I knew where he's gone…**

**Ezekiel (his hat squirming around): Hm… there's something funny in me hat! Heh, it kinda tickles! **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris (leaning against Noah, who is in a full body cast): So, buddy, how's the game been treatin' ya? (Noah glares at him, then mutters an inaudible swear word through his cast.)

Chris: Hey, that's not very nice! But I'll let it slide, just because today's the perfect day. You wanna know why? (Noah starts to roll his wheelchair away, but Chris grabs onto it and pulls him back.) I'll tell ya why. Because Chef and I are gonna go star-gazing tonight! Do you know how long I've been waiting for this? (Noah starts to roll his wheelchair away again, but Chris grabs onto it again and pulls him back.) The ten years since I've known him! I'm so excited! (Noah is finally able to get his mouth up over the cast and speaks.)

Noah: Chris, as much as you want to tell me about your gay fantasies, I kind of have a challenge I have to do!

Chris: Fine. Be that way. I don't care. (Noah starts to roll his wheelchair up the mountain. Meanwhile, Eva has made it to the goats.)

Eva: Ha! This is just too easy! (She jumps onto the nearest one and slaps its butt. Immediately, it races forward, bucking the athlete to and fro. DJ is not too far behind, in second place. He gets to the goats just a few minutes later.)

DJ: Nice goats… cute lil' goaties… please, I don't wanna hurt ya. (He tries to mount one, but it squawks angrily.) OK… not you, I guess. (He goes up to another one.)

DJ: How about you? (He starts to mount this one, but it flails at him with its hooves.) OK, not you either. (Izzy gets up to the goats, followed by Gwen.)

Izzy: C'mon, DJ, you just gotta pick one! (She picks the animal-lover up and hurls him at the nearest goat. DJ slams onto it, and the goats bucks forward, galloping down the hill.)

Izzy: Sometimes, you've just gotta have a little inspiration! Do you want me to help you, too, Gwen?

Gwen: No, I'm good. (They mount their goats.) What we need to do is talk strategy.

Izzy: Aw, but strategy's boring! Let's talk about Michael Jackson! He's not boring!

Gwen: Seriously, Izzy, we have to start choosing who we're gonna vote off, or we'll be the ones saying goodbye! I say we vote off either Trent or Courtney.

Izzy: I say we vote off Justin Timberlake!

Gwen: Um, he isn't here, Izzy.

Izzy: Yeah, he is! In the forest! I lived with him, remember?

Gwen: Well, he isn't in the competition, okay? So you'll vote for Trent?

Izzy: Who's Trent? (Gwen stares at her incredulously.)

**Confession Cam**

**Gwen: Maybe this alliance with Izzy wasn't such a good idea. For all I know, she'll get confused and vote for **_**me**_** at the next elimination ceremony! **

**Izzy: Yeah, I'm pretty tight with all the celebrities. In fact, they even wanted me to host American Idol, but I turned them down, because I didn't like the smell of Ryan Seacrest's breath! It was just so… minty. **

**End of Confessionals**

Geoff: Let's do this! (He gets to the top of the mountain, and demounts his pogo stick.) Now which one of you goats wants to carry the Geoffster? (He leans over and looks at one of the goats.)

Geoff: How about you, little guy? (The goat responds by eating Geoff's hat.)

Geoff: Hey! That's my replacement hat! I only have one more after that! Oh, why is the world so cruel? I can't go on! I can't go on without my hat! (He falls to the ground. Bridgette comes up behind him.)

Bridgette: Oh, great, Geoff's gone into shock again. (She picks him up and puts him on one of the goats. The goat sprints forward. This causes Geoff to fall off, and he starts rolling down the mountain, setting off land mines as he does so. Bridgette watches all this and sighs.)

Bridgette: Eh, he'll be fine. (She gets on one of the goats and slowly goes down after him. Not too long after that, Cody, Katie, Sadie, and Trent make it to the goats.)

Cody: These goats don't look too tough! (He walks up to one and flicks its nose.) Heh. That's kind of fun. (He flicks it again.) Heh. Heh.

Trent: Can you stop flicking that goat's nose and get in the game?

Cody: Fine. Sheesh. No need to have a flagpole up your butt. (He jumps onto one of them and follows Trent down the mountain.)

Katie: Hmm… how are we going to get on this thing? (They both try to mount the same one, but they can't seem to fit right on it.)

Sadie: This is hard!

Katie: Well, maybe if you don't have such gigantic thighs—

Sadie: No! Don't you be blaming it on the thighs!

Katie: Sorry. But there's no way this is gonna work! Aw, and I think my make-up's running! (Suddenly, they hear a noise from behind them. Turning around, they see two goats standing right next to each other. When the goats walk forward, the BFFs see that they're connected. Katie and Sadie grin at each other.)

**Confession Cam**

**(Katie and Sadie are sitting in the Confessional together.) **

**Katie: We're so happy we're connected! It gives us a whole new perspective on life!**

**Sadie: Yeah! Even if all our old friends are repelled from us, why should we care?**

**Katie (turning to Sadie): I think my boobs have gotten bigger since we got connected! **

**Sadie: And I think I've lost some weight! And I'm tanner! **

**Katie and Sadie: Aw, we're becoming more like each other! **

**End of Confessionals**

Cody: Say, Trent, can I ask you something? (The two are riding their goats right next to each other.)

Trent: It depends. If you're asking whether I'm the one who clogged the toilet this morning, then no, it wasn't me.

Cody: Yeah, I already know that was Owen. What I want to know is… why don't you like Gwen anymore? (Trent tenses up.)

Trent: I never liked her.

Cody: Uh, yeah you did. Back in Season 1. You two were the biggest couple to ever hit the show!

Trent: Well, I don't like her anymore! And you shouldn't, either.

Cody: I know I shouldn't. She turns me down every chance she gets.

Trent: Exactly. So tonight at the elimination ceremony… think about who _really_ needs to go. (He slaps his goat's butt, and it charges forward, leaving Cody behind.)

Cody: Who I think really needs to go… hmm… (He is suddenly interrupted from his thoughts by a loud explosion.) Oh #$%*! I forgot about the mines! (Meanwhile, Leshawna and Courtney are standing at the top of the mountain.)

Courtney: I have been trampled, dirtied, and humiliated. But I will remain resolute! My heart will stay strong!

Leshawna: Whatever, drama queen.

Courtney: I'm not a drama queen! I am a strong, proud individual!

Leshawna: Yep. A strong, proud individual who just stepped in goat crap.

Courtney: No! These are my good shoes, too!

**Confession Cam**

**Courtney: Chris, you will pay. You're just lucky I don't have a short temper. (She pauses for about a second, then starts going crazy, yanking the toilet up out of the floor and hurling it at the wall.) AGGHHH! I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM!**

**Owen (staring sadly at the toilet, which is lying in a crumpled heap on the floor): Aw, and all I wanted to do was go to the bathroom. **

**End of Confessionals**

Lindsay: For Tyler! (She jumps onto a nearby boulder.) Now, onward, my trusty steed! (The rock doesn't move) Hm, this goat doesn't seem to be working. I'll try another one! (She mounts a log.)

Lindsay: This one isn't working, either!

Alejandro: Perhaps you could try mounting a real goat, and not an inanimate object. (Suddenly, the log starts rolling down the hill, with Lindsay still on it.)

Lindsay: Ha! It's working! I knew I didn't need help from you! Woo—(She rolls right across a land mine, and the explosion sends her flying upward, her hair smoking. She lands somewhere in the distance.)

Alejandro (beckoning to Beth): After you, my lovely lady.

Beth: Why, thank you. (They suddenly hear grumbling from the bushes.)

Beth: What was that?

Alejandro: I don't know… I'll go check. (He walks into the bushes, and sees Heather, sitting on the ground.)

Alejandro: What are you doing here? You—You were voted off!

Heather: Shh… I'm with those losers Ezekiel and Duncan right now! We're planning a revolt!

Alejandro: A _revolt_?

Heather: Yes, and you don't need to announce it to the world!

Alejandro: But… why?

Heather: We're sick of Chris's tyrannical rule! Now go away, you're gonna give my position away!

Alejandro: Don't you think a revolt's a little much?

Heather: Never! You always have to do a "little much" to get anywhere!

Alejandro: I have missed your fiery spirit, _chica_.

Heather: Why can't you just leave and go back to flirting with pig girl over there? You seem to be really fond of her, anyway.

Alejandro: Ah, Heather, you're the only person that would truly be worthy of my Mexican heart.

Heather: That's so, that's so… (They start to lean inwards, when suddenly, they hear heavy breathing. Heather turns and sees Ezekiel sitting right next to them, staring.)

Heather: What the f**k are you doing?

Ezekiel: Observing, eh. I want to learn to get it right.

Heather: Oh, so you can impress your mom when you get back home? And we weren't kissing!

Ezekiel: Then why is that weird Spanish guy still closing his eyes and puckering his lips at you? (With this statement, Alejandro opens his eyes and sighs.)

Alejandro: Alas, I knew a kiss from you would be a trophy I would never receive.

Ezekiel: Who, me? I didn't know you wanted me so badly, eh.

Heather: He's talking to me, moron! Don't you have anything better to do?

Ezekiel: You're right! (He starts picking his nose)

Heather: You disgusting fool!

Alejandro: Now Heather, don't be mean. Now, I must go, but can you perhaps meet me under the stars tonight? We'll have to do it somewhere else, though, because this place is reserved for Chris and Chef.

Heather: Fine. But only because we didn't finish our conversation about the revolt. (Alejandro nods, and walks out of the bushes. By this time, Beth has already mounted her goat and is tapping her wrist impatiently.)

Beth: What was it that was making the noise?

Alejandro: Oh, just some vermin.

Ezekiel: We aint vermin, eh!

Beth: What was that?

Alejandro: Er… the vermin can talk?

Beth: Oh. Makes sense, what with all the other crazy things on this island. (They ride their goats away.)

**Confession Cam**

**Alejandro: This is great! Heather is on the island! Now, I will finally be able to win her heart! (He starts talking to himself.) Now remember, Alejandro, not too many beans right before the date. You know what happened last time. **

**End of Confessionals **

Sierra: Tsk tsk, these poor goats. Of all the things about this show, the only thing I disapprove is the animal cruelty. Look at these guys! They're so innocent! I feel so bad for them! (She leans over one of the goats. Suddenly, the goat lashes forward and clamps onto her nose. After a lot of tugging, she is able to rip it off.)

Sierra: Eh, now I don't feel _as_ bad for them. Giddyup! (She jumps onto a rather small and timid one and yanks its horns forward. The goat sprints forward for about five seconds, before it sets off a land mine.)

Sierra (as she flies through the air): Woohoo! (She lands about hundred yards farther down the mountain, right in front of Cody.)

Cody: Gah! Meteorite! Oh, it's just you, Sierra. Are you okay?

Sierra: THAT WAS SO AWESOME! I've always wanted to be blown up by a real Total Drama land mine! I can't wait to post this on my blog! (She starts running forward, and immediately sets off another.)

Sierra (as she flies through the air again): THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER!

**Confession Cam**

**Cody: What kind of girl **_**likes**_** being blown up by land mines? **

**Izzy (smoking, her hair on fire): Woohoo! Land mines! **

**DJ: You know, I'm actually really happy that Izzy threw me at the goat. It helped me get over my fear of hurting baby animals. **

**End of Confessionals**

DJ (as he and his goat are racing down the hill): Can't you go any slower? You might trip and fall! (He hears a voice behind him)

Izzy: Trip and fall? I hope I get to trip and fall! (As if on cue, her goat trips and falls, and the two go tumbling down the mountain, slamming into each other.)

DJ: We don't want that to happen to us, so can you be more careful? (The goat starts to run faster, and a few seconds later, they run right over a land mine.)

**Confession Cam**

**DJ (smoking, his face charred): Never mind. I think my fear of hurting baby animals has just been revamped. **

**End of Confessionals**

DJ (holding his goat, which is charred black, up to the sky): WHY? (The goat suddenly opens its eyes.) You're alive? You're alive? It's ALIVE! (He starts to sob happily, when he hears another voice behind him.)

Katie: LOOK OUT! (The twins and their goats slam right into him, and he loses his grasp on the goat. It flies up into the air, and lands on Lindsay's face.)

Lindsay: Ah! I can't see! I can't see! (She rips the animal off her face and hurls it at a nearby tree. The goat slams into it, and then rebounds into Trent's crotch, making him keel over. The goat then rolls down the mountain until it lands in the lake at the bottom.)

Trent: My balls…

Lindsay: My face…

DJ: WHAT SORT OF CHAOS HAVE I CAUSED?

Katie: That's okay, DJ, you can ride on our goats.

DJ: Thanks. You're a real friend.

Sadie: No, she's _my _friend! Get your own! (She shoves him off their goats, and right into a land mine, which detonates, sending the lovable jock hurling away into the distance.)

Katie: Was that really necessary?

Sadie: You're _my _friend.

**Confession Cam**

**Katie: Is Sadie getting just a tad bit clingy? (She looks at Sadie, who is sitting on her lap.) Are you getting just a tad bit clingy? **

**Sadie: No. **

**Katie: Oh. Never mind. **

**End of Confessional**

Chris: One brave man's story as he faces the perils of a mountain climb! It truly brings tears to my eyes! He may be in a body cast, but he does not give up! He is determined to be a hero!

Noah: Enough with the narrations, Chris! They're getting really annoying!

Chris: But it adds drama! And who doesn't love a good comeback story?

Noah: If you wanted that, why didn't you just call this "Total Drama Comeback"?

Chris: Er, for obvious reasons. Ever been on Fanfiction?

Noah: No, and I have a feeling I don't want to!

Chris: You should go on there. There are some really great stories about you and Cody. Lots of M-rated ones, too.

Noah: Will people give me a break? I'm straight!

Chris: I think I'm straight, with a little curve in the middle.

Noah: Why are you telling me this?

Chris: I dunno. There are also some good ones about you and Izzy, too.

Noah: Wait, really? Me and Izzy?

Chris: Yep. A lot of times, they give me huge boners.

Noah: Why are you telling me this?

Chris: I dunno. One brave man's story as he faces the perils of a mountain climb! It truly brings tears to my eyes! He may be in a body cast, but… (Noah sighs and continues rolling along. Meanwhile, Owen is staring sadly down at Justin, who is still lying on the ground.)

Owen: Justin! Why did this have to happen to you? Why?

Justin: Owen… come closer…

Owen: Yes, my dear Justin, what do you want?

Justin: Owen… I see the light… I see the light…

Owen: No! Don't see the light! Please!

Justin: Carry me, Owen… it is all I have left to say… (His eyes start to shut.)

Owen: No! Don't close your eyes! I'll carry you! (He hears a voice behind him.)

Noah: THERE YOU ARE!

Owen: Uh-oh, angry Noah alert. We better run! (Slinging Justin over his shoulder, he frantically hops away.)

**Confession Cam **

**Justin: That was too easy. I have a crazy gigantic fanboy, so what? I might as well take advantage of it. **

**End of Confessionals**

Eva: See you all at the finish line! (She has made it to the bottom of the mountain and is running towards the pit of man-eating chickens. Running across the pit is a thin tightrope, wavering in the breeze. Under the tightrope sit the chickens, squawking excitedly and snapping their jaws.)

Eva: Easy enough. (She grabs a long stick sitting nearby and uses it as a javelin to hurl herself across.)

Eva (from the other side): This competition's mine! (Meanwhile, Harold is slowly waking up. He sees Owen carrying Justin just a few feet behind him.)

Harold: Ughh… what happened? I feel like I just got attacked by an Animalia Arthropoda Arachnida Araneae Mygalomorphae Theraphosidae Theraphosa T. blondi!

Owen: Mmm… blondie bars.

Harold: No, Owen, T. _blondi_ is a species of arachnids. I now feel it is now my duty to educate you on the spiders and their subcategories. You see… (The screen then cuts to Chris Mclean, sitting in his trailer.)

Chris: The following segment of production has been omitted due to severe nerditude and incomprehensible dialogue. We're sorry for the inconvenience. While you wait, enjoy this sexy video of Chef wearing a coconut bra and dancing the Macarena. (The video plays, and then the scene goes back to Harold, Owen, and Justin.)

Harold: And that is all the spiders and their subcategories. So… how long was I out?

Owen: I dunno, maybe an hour. (Suddenly, a look of horror washes over Harold's face.)

Harold: My Nintendo DS… I was playing it when I passed out! (He pulls it out of his pocket, and screams.) I left it on! And now it's out of power!

Owen: So?

Harold: "So"? Is that all you can say? "So"?

Owen: Can't you just wait until we're done with today's challenge?

Harold: No! I can't! It's hopeless!

Owen: Well, I have some spare batteries, in case you wanted them.

Harold: Thanks. That'd be great. (Owen reaches into his pants and pulls two out.)

Owen (handing the batteries to Harold): Here ya go.

Harold: Uh, where were you keeping those?

Owen: I'm not sure. Somewhere in my pants, I presume.

Harold: Whatever. As long as it helps my Georgina get her life back. (Meanwhile, Sierra and Bridgette have made it to the pit of man-eating chickens, dragging DJ and Geoff, respectively.)

Bridgette (staring down at the chickens): I can't do this. You do not know how bad my balance is!

Sierra: I'm sure it can't be any worse than mine. Let's just hurl these two across, first. (They grab DJ and Geoff and throw their bodies over the pit like sacks of potatoes.)

Bridgette: Can you go first, just to make sure it's safe?

Sierra: What do you mean? (Bridgette glances up, and sees that Sierra is on the other side, already.)

Bridgette: Wait… how'd you get across so quickly?

Sierra: I'm magic that way. I'll take these two. See ya later. (She runs off, dragging DJ and Geoff behind her.)

Bridgette: Yeah, just abandon me. Real cool. (She takes a deep breath of air.) Well, here goes… (She tentatively takes a step out onto the tightrope. Immediately, her stomach lurches.)

**Confession Cam**

**Bridgette: For one, I hate heights. And in season 1, it was my own clumsiness that got me booted! And now they're expecting me to walk across a **_**tightrope**_**?**

**Sierra: Maybe I should've stayed and helped Bridgette. Oh well! Can't change the past! **

**End of Confessionals**

Bridgette: You can do this Bridgette… you can do this Bridgette…

Izzy: HI BRIDGETTE! (This almost makes Bridgette fall off the tightrope; she has to cling with her toes.)

Bridgette: Izzy! Don't do that! Can't you see I'm trying to get across? (She suddenly realizes that Izzy has disappeared. When she turns, she sees Izzy on the other side.) How'd you get over there?

Izzy: I'm magic that way! (She runs off, cackling madly. Gwen appears at the edge of the pit just a few seconds later.)

Gwen: Don't mind her, Bridgette. She's just a little… delusional.

Bridgette: Yep. Just a little, of course. That girl's got enough crazy to feed an insane asylum for weeks!

Gwen: For months, that's more like it. (A wind blows through the air, and Bridgette feels herself wobbling.)

Bridgette: I think I'm going to fall off!

Cody: I will save you!

Bridgette: No, Cody, I don't think that's such a good idea—(Cody is out on the tightrope before she can stop him, and is inching towards her.)

Cody: A man's got to save his fine ladies, after all.

Gwen: Cody, get off! You're just making things worse for her! (Trent comes over to the pit, clutching his groin. Gwen can't help but snicker at this.)

Trent: Don't laugh! That Lindsay is so the next one to go…

Gwen: Aw, poor wittle Trent got a flailing goat to the crotch?

Trent: I don't need any of your sass right now, woman.

Gwen: Wow, you're really not trying to hide the fact that you're evil.

Trent: I'm not evil! Why does everyone think that? I'm just bitter.

Cody: If you want the ladies, you've gotta be sweet! (He grins at Bridgette and Gwen at the same time, making him look very cross-eyed.)

Bridgette: I'm just gonna get across, and then it'll all be over.

Trent: Until you have to ride in a kayak down rushing rapids, where you'll probably split your head open on a rock.

Bridgette: Not helping! (Gathering all her courage, she shimmies her way farther and farther across the tightrope, until she is just a few feet away from the end.)

Cody: You're gonna make it! You're gonna make it! (He starts jumping up and down, making the tightrope wobble back and forth.)

Bridgette: Wait, Cody, you're making the rope—waah! (She slips, and is just able to grab on with her spare hand, Cody, however, is not so lucky, and falls straight into the pit. Bridgette listens and cringes as he tries to fight off the chickens by reciting complex math equations, but to no prevail. When he is finally able to get out of the pit, he is covered in bite marks.)

Cody: Owies.

Bridgette: Help! I'm losing my grip!

Gwen: Just pull yourself up, Bridgette, just pull yourself up.

Courtney: And can you hurry, too? I want to go!

Trent: You don't look too good.

Courtney: Ha ha. I was trampled by pogo sticks, bucked to and fro by my stupid goat, and hurled down a mountainside! Plus, I have goat crap on my good shoes!

Gwen: Karma, anyone? (Meanwhile, Bridgette is sitting on the rope, but can't seem to stand up.)

Bridgette: What do I do now, Gwen?

Gwen: Just get up on your feet! Just do it!

Bridgette: I… I can't!

Gwen: Yes you can!

Bridgette: OK. I'm gonna do it.

Courtney: And hurry up, too! You've already taken up a gigantic chunk of dialogue! I'm pretty sure it's my turn, now. (Taking a deep breath of air, Bridgette forces herself to stand up. She wobbles for a minute, and it looks like she is going to fall, but she is able to balance herself, and gets across.)

Bridgette: Whew. That was terrifying.

Courtney: FINALLY! It's my turn! (She confidently troops out onto the tightrope, and immediately falls in. As Courtney screams and lashes at the chickens surrounding her, Trent looks at Gwen and fake smiles.)

Trent: After you. (He beckons toward the rope. Gwen glares at him, and crosses it, followed closely by Trent.)

**Confession Cam**

**Gwen: What has become of Trent?**

**Trent: What has become of me? In Season 1, the soft musician that everyone likes, in Season 2, the creepy stalker boyfriend with the number nine obsession**

!

an'te: I...up on your feet!en?n the rope, but can'ide!. in bite math equations, but to no prevail.s! to the bat**, in Season 3, the nobody who just sat in the peanut gallery during the aftermaths. And now, in Season 4… let's just say I'm gonna make my mark on this show. **

**Courtney: MY LIKE SUCKS! (She rips the recently repaired toilet out of the floor again and smashes it to the ground.)**

**Owen (seeing the destroyed toilet): Aw, not again! **

**End of Confessionals**

Katie: This is where being connected is a problem. (The two BFFs are looking at the tightrope and sighing to themselves.)

Sadie: There's gotta be some way we can do this! (As if on cue, Chris comes out an snaps his scissors.)

Chris: We can always just cut that little bond of yours!

Katie and Sadie: NEVER!

Chris: Then enjoy falling straight into the pit. My chickens have definitely been wanting a juicy meal lately.

Lindsay: Well I'm not the juicy meal they'll be getting! (She charges out onto the tightrope.)

Chris (eyeing Lindsay's chest): Ah, an even juicier meal.

Lindsay: Don't worry! I've got perfect balance!

Chris (still eyeing Lindsay's chest): Really? I've always wondered why you don't fall over. After all, how can you lift them all day?

Lindsay: What does that mean?

Chris: Er, um… (Suddenly, Lindsay starts to lose her balance.)

Lindsay: Whoa! WHOA! (She falls into the pit, and the chickens are immediately on her. After a few minutes, she climbs out on the other side. There are two chickens clinging to her, one to each breast.) Ha! Silly chickens! (She tugs on the two of them, stretching her breasts as she yanks. Chris feels a nosebleed coming on, but tries to plug it up.)

Lindsay: There, that's better… (Chris can't help but stare at her nipples, which are poking through her top. Before he can stop himself, his nose starts gushing blood, straight into the pit.)

Chris: YEAH! I'M A PERV! SO WHAT? (He runs off, crying.)

Lindsay: I wonder what his deal was. (She walks away, massaging her chest.)

Katie: So, Sadie, come up with any ideas yet? (She turns to her best friend, and sees that she is also trying to restrain a nosebleed.)

Katie: Um… (Trying to forget what she just witnessed, she hoists her friend up onto her shoulders and starts to walk across.)

**Confession Cam**

**Chris (his nose still gushing blood): I think I just lost a lot of my popularity. **

**Chef (from outside the bathroom): Oh, don't worry, Chris, you never had any.**

**Chris: Thanks, that makes me feel so better. **

**End of Confessionals**

Eva: So these are the Rushing Rapids? Eh, they don't look too tough. (She hops into the nearest kayak and grabs a paddle. The moment she kicks off, she is swept away, moving at least one hundred miles an hour.)

Eva: This is gonna be too easy!

Sierra: Not on my watch! (Suddenly, something goes whizzing by Eva's head. She just barely dodges it, and it comes back to Sierra, who catches the projectile. The projectile is actually a still unconscious Geoff.)

Eva: That's cheap!

Sierra: Who cares? It's my own ammo! (She grabs DJ and hurls him at her too.)

**Confession Cam**

**Sierra: Sometimes, when I sat at home watching Season 1 for the 7****th**** time, I imagined kicking Eva's butt! And now my dream could come true! **

**Eva: Nobody will ever beat me. Nobody. **

**End of Confessionals**

Alejandro: Beth, even if we do not survive this, I've always wanted to tell you that you're the only woman in my heart.

Beth: And you're the only woman in _my_ heart! Er, I mean, _man_ in my heart.

Alejandro: Please, call me a woman. They are such the greater species.

Leshawna: Yeah, enough with the lovey-dovey! Can't you see some of us are waiting to get across?

Alejandro: Oh, but Leshawna, you're the only woman in my heart.

Leshawna: Really?

Beth: Wait a minute! You said _I_ was the only woman in your heart!

Alejandro: What? Oh, uh… yeah! You're the only woman in my heart!

Leshawna: But you just said _I_ was the only woman in your heart!

Beth: Wait a minute… is that what you say to every pretty girl on the island?

Alejandro: No, the pretty girls never fall for it. That's why I go for the ugly girls. I mean, wait! You didn't hear that!

Leshawna: Oh, I heard that, fool. You think this bootilicious body is _ugly_?

Beth: What kind of two-timing jerk would do this sort of thing?

Alejandro: Please, ladies! I am sorry from the bottom of my heart! (Suddenly, Beth and Leshawna look at each other and grin. Slowly, they inch towards Alejandro.)

Alejandro: Ah, so you forgive me. I understand.

Beth: Not exactly. See, we just need something to keep the chickens busy while we get across.

Alejandro: But Beth! We—we are on the same team!

Leshawna: You're not on _my_ team. (And with that, she picks up Alejandro, and hurls him into the pit.) Now, while they're busy, let's go for it! (Together, she and Beth run through the pit and climb up on the other side. They watch as Alejandro drags himself up as well, his skin torn.)

**Confession Cam**

**Beth: OK, maybe that was a little harsh. No it wasn't! That Alejandro is evil! Why didn't I see it before?**

**Alejandro: Biggest. Mistake. Of. My. Life. **

**End of Confessionals**

(Noah is rolling along, and has almost made it to the peak of the hill.)

Noah: This… is… retarded! Why should Chris make me do this when I'm severely injured? (Suddenly, Chris pops out of the bushes.)

Chris: Ratings. (He pops back in.)

Noah: Yeah, of course! Ratings! Ratings! Ratings! That's all this show is to you, isn't it? And now you're going to get to watch me probably kill myself trying to steer a wheelchair down a hill! How much did this thing cost, anyway? Ten dollars?

Chris: No! I'm not _that_ cheap! That cost a good $12.99!

Noah: You imbecile! And why did you have to apply this cast so tight around my skull? It's killing brain cells!

Chris: Just go with the flow, Noah, just go with the flow. And that's what most of our campers are having to do! (The screen cuts to most of the campers, whom are now riding their kayaks down the river.)

Izzy: This is so fun! I feel like I just have to smack somebody! (She smacks her paddle to the left, right into the face of Courtney.) Oops. Sorry.

Courtney: You will pay! (She rams her kayak into the side of Izzy's.)

Izzy: Ha ha! Fun! (She reaches over and tips Courtney into the water.)

Courtney (spitting out water): You'll pay for that, you—(She is hit by another kayak, this one being piloted by Cody.)

Cody: Uh oh. Did I hit something? (Meanwhile, farther up, Eva has already made it to the end.)

Eva: Ha! The competition around here is severely lacking! (She runs off into the jungle. In Sierra's kayak, DJ and Geoff are just waking up.)

Geoff: Ouch… what happened?

Sierra: You passed out when a goat ate your hat. (Geoff rubs his head and screams.)

Geoff: My hat! It's gone!

Sierra: Yeah, that's kind of what I said.

DJ: That poor goat… all my fault…

Sierra: Seriously, you guys, stop complaining and get in the game! We have a challenge we're meant to win!

Geoff: But… my hat…

Sierra: Seriously, if you want your hat, take this one. (She takes one out of her pocket and hands it to him.)

Geoff: How do you have this?

Sierra: You think you can call yourself a Total Drama fan without having yourself a signature Geoff hat? I have every single Total Drama clothing piece there is!

Geoff: That's creepy, but awesome! Right on! (He takes the hat and places it on his head.) A perfect fit!

Sierra: Duh, it's a perfect fit! I would have it no other way! Uh oh, watch out! (She has to swerve to miss a large rock, jutting out of the water. Meanwhile, Alejandro has just made it to the kayaks, after slouching along at a rather slow pace.)

Alejandro: There is no way we are going to lose. Not if I have anything to say about it! (He hops into a kayak and starts to paddle. Right behind him is Leshawna and Beth.)

Beth: Wanna teach him another lesson?

Leshawna: Oh, yes. (The two pull up on either side of him and start ramming into his kayak.)

Alejandro: What are you doing? Stop it! (He starts to paddle, but his oar slips from his hand almost immediately.)

Beth: This'll teach you! (She and Leshawna take out their oars and start slapping him.)

Alejandro: That's it! I'm doing this the old fashioned way! (He jumps out of his kayak and starts swimming through the water.)

**Confession Cam**

**Alejandro: Sometimes, even the finest of ladies can get on your last nerve. **

**Tyler: Yeah, so I was up in the sky the entire challenge. It just proves how good a pogo sticker I am! **

**End of Confessionals**

Owen: OK, goats, lets do this! (With Justin tucked under his arm, he jumps on the nearest goat. The goat immediately breaks under his weight.) I guess that one can't take the power of Owen!

Harold: Owen, you're gonna need at least five Capra aegagrus hircus to carry your weight! (He mounts one, and rides away.)

Owen: Just five? Hm, I must be losing weight. (He gathers five of the goats and sits down. Their knees wobble, but they are able to support him.) Now, onwards! (The goats slowly, miserably slouch forward.)

Owen: That's it! Keep up the good work! (He takes out a granola bar and munches it.) See Justin? I knew I could help you!

Justin: Owen… come closer…

Owen: Yes, my Justin? What would you like?

Justin: Owen… (Owen leans farther in.) Owen… GET THAT DAMN GRANOLA BAR OUT OF MY FACE! (He slaps Owen's hand, and the fat boy's granola bar falls to the ground.)

Owen: Now are you at peace, Justin?

Justin: Almost… could you also get me some pink lemonade? I'm very thirsty.

Owen: As you wish, my Justin.

**Confession Cam **

**Owen: I think Justin really likes me! **

**Justin: If there's one person I know I can always be my slave, it's Owen. Funny thing is, the whole time he didn't even realize we're on opposite teams. **

**End of Confessionals **

Noah: Rolling along, rolling along…

Chris: Noah, mind if I catch up with you for a quick interview? That is, if I can catch you.

Noah: Hardy har har. No, you douche bag.

Chris: But don't you want the audience to know all your deepest, darkest secrets?

Noah: I have no secrets.

Chris: I bet the audience would want to know who you like! It might save you from all the Cody rumors.

Noah: I'm not telling complete strangers all about myself!

Chris: Are they really strangers, Noah?

Noah: Yes, they are.

Chris: Perhaps you have some horrible past experiences? Raped by your father? Hmmm? Bullied in school?

Noah: Nope.

Chris: Anything going on that's making you so moody?

Noah: I'm always moody, Chris. And why are you stalking me? It seems like I'm the only person you've been talking to.

Chris: I'm not a stalker! Geez! I bet I know what's bugging you.

Noah (rolling his eyes): Sure. I'm in a body cast. Take a wild guess.

Chris: Where do you think you get your sarcasm? Your mom? Your dad?

Noah: Can you go away?

Chris: Fine! Let's see what Eva's up to! (The camera cuts to Eva, who is sprinting through the jungle. Coconuts are hurled at her, monkeys try to attack her, and snakes slither across the ground, but nothing stops the powerhouse.)

Eva: You call this a challenge, Chris? I laugh at your lameness! (She suddenly sees a clearing up ahead.)

Eva: Ha! The finish line! (She starts to sprint even faster, when suddenly, she realizes she isn't moving.) What's going on? (She looks down, and sees she is up to her knees in muck.) I'm stuck! I'm stuck!

Chris (to Eva): Can't you just get out? (He turns to camera in grins.) I set this stuff up.

Eva: No, it's like it's hardening to my skin! It's like some sort of clay!

Chris: Yep. Straight from the Craft Services tent.

Eva: _You _set this up? You will pay!

Chris: Hey, you should have looked where you were going. (He turns to the camera and starts the sign off.)

**Will Eva ever get out of the muck? **

Eva: AGGGHHHHHH!

**Will Tyler ever come down?**

**What team will be the first to have their members across?**

**Does Noah have any chance?**

**And what team will have to vote off a member in the most dramatic campfire ceremony ever?**

**Find out next time on **

**Total Drama Returns!**

**Note: Yes, next episode, someone will be eliminated. I'm making each day 3 parts from now on. **


	12. Day 3 Part 3: The Blame Game

**Total Drama Returns**

The Cheesebub's Message: Dammit. Did anybody notice a huge glitch in last chapter's format, during one of Trent's confessionals? I don't know what the f*** happened. I guess something got messed up when I sent it from word to the Document Manager. Well, this is a lesson to you all, kiddies! Check your documents to make sure they came through correctly! Oh, and another thing… the poll's still going, for those who haven't voted. C'mon! It takes five seconds of your time! Just do it!

**Day 3 Part 3—Chapter 12: THE GREAT QUINTATHLON Part 3**

Eva: CHRIS! WHERE ARE YOU? SHOW YOURSELF!

Chris: No can do, Eva. I know that you have a dagger in your back pocket, and I know you're extremely adept at using it. So I'll just stay right behind this tree, and laugh in your general direction. (In a fit of rage, Eva takes out her dagger and hurls it straight at the tree Chris is standing behind. It jams deep into it, and sticks there.)

Chris: Oooh, feisty. But it's not gonna help ya! See ya, Eva! Hope you get out alive!

Eva: I WILL GRIND YOUR BONES INTO A FINE POWDER AND USE IT TO BRUSH MY TEETH! JUST YOU WAIT, CHRIS MCLEAN, JUST YOU WAIT! (Meanwhile, Sierra, Geoff, and DJ are trekking through the jungle.)

Sierra: Wow, I didn't even know there was a jungle on this island! And I know the entire layout of this place! I have it imprinted in my photo memory!

DJ: I bet the only reason Chris even built this jungle was so the audience could see more of me hurting poor baby animals!

Geoff: Eh, don't worry DJ. We'll protect you. (Suddenly, there is a rustling in the bushes.)

DJ: What was that?

Sierra: Shh… nobody make any noise… (Geoff starts to tremble.)

Geoff: It's probably a monkey, man… they always mistake my hat for a banana!

Sierra: Shut up! (She sniffs the air.) It smells like… nutmeg. Geoff, go see what it is.

Geoff: What? Why me? I don't want my hat to get eaten!

Sierra: It's not a monkey, Geoff! Just do it!

Geoff: Fine… DJ, take my hat. (He gives DJ his hat.) Take good care of it, buddy. If I don't come back, here are its daily meal plans, its appointments, and its clothes.

Sierra: Geoff, it's just a hat! Now go in there! (She pushes him towards the thickets. Geoff tentatively reaches out with one hand and clears away the bushes. He peers in for a moment. Then he turns to DJ and Sierra and smiles.)

Geoff: See? Perfectly—(He is cut off by a hand shooting out of the bushes and pulling him in. Before Sierra and DJ can do anything, two tan men wearing masks come out and grab them, then drag them away.)

**Confession Cam**

**Chris: Yeah, the natives were my idea. Pretty sweet, huh? Got em fresh from the insane asylum. **

**Sierra: Captured by crazy natives** _**again**_**? I must be really hot! **

**End of Confessionals**

Noah (gasping for air): Finally! (He's finally made it to the peak of the mountain, and is looking out upon the mine field below him.) Okay, Chris, now what? Do you actually expect me to ride a goat? (Chris pops out of the bushes.)

Chris: No, you can just ride your wheelchair down the mountain. But I slicked your wheels with something that, let's just say, will make your descent a little more tricky. (He grins maliciously.)

Noah: OK, now I'm suspicious. What are you planning, you demon? (But Chris has already disappeared.) Whatever. Here goes. (He slowly rolls his wheelchair to the edge of the mountain, and pushes off. He starts to rush down the slope, gaining speed as he rolls. Suddenly, the wheels start to slip.)

Noah: Oh no! (He has to quickly swerve out of the way to avoid a tree. Suddenly, he realizes that there are explosions erupting everywhere around him.) What's going on? (He looks down at his wheels, and sees that they are covered in some sort of black, slick liquid.) Of course.

**Confession Cam**

**Noah: Of course, the psycho laces my wheels with petrol! What producers hired the f**king maniac? **

**Chris: I love explosions. They make my day. **

**End of Confessionals **

Izzy: This is so cool! It's like I'm Indiana Jones, and we're on a mission to recover the lost golden toenail clipper!

Gwen: If you're Indiana Jones, then who would I be?

Izzy: You silly girl, you'd be Stevie Wonder!

Gwen: How does that make any sense?

Izzy: It doesn't! That's the point! (She walks over to a long vine hanging from the treetops.) Cool! A vine! C'mon, Gwen, climb on!

Gwen: Is that a good idea? To just go swinging on a random vine?

Izzy: Oh, c'mon! I'm a registered vine swinger! Though they took away my license last year, after I slammed into some old man. But so what? Plus, it will make our trip seem like a walk in the park!

Gwen: OK, I'm gonna trust you. (She grabs onto the vine.)

Izzy: And away we go! (She kicks off the ground, and the vine starts sputtering, like a car turned into first gear. Izzy reaches forward with her foot and presses down on one of the leaves, like it's the gas pedal, and the vine starts to move forward, at a slow pace.)

Izzy: You ready to take this up a notch?

Gwen: Are you sure that's such a good ideAHHHHH! (Izzy slams her foot as hard as she can on the leaf, and the vine zooms forward, moving so fast that the rest of the jungle is a blur.)

Izzy: Ha ha! This is great!

Gwen: This is horrible! (Suddenly, her skirt is ripped off from the velocity.) Gah! My skirt!

Izzy: Yay! It's no pants day! (She takes off her skirt as well, and throws it into the bushes.) Hooray! (Meanwhile, Cody is casually taking a stroll through the jungle when a skirt hits him in the face.)

Cody: Whoa! What's this? (He pulls it off his head, and stares down at it.) Is that? It is! Gwen's skirt! (He takes it and sniffs it.) Mmmm…. it smells like Gwen. (He glances right. He glances left. Since nobody's around, he puts it on his head, wearing it like a hat.)

Cody: I dub myself, King Gwen! Another piece to my Gwen clothing collection! (He takes out the bra and straps it to his chest.) This is the best day ever!

Leshawna: You stupid white boy, you look like a fool! (Cody turns around and sees Leshawna, glaring at him.)

Cody: Hey, babe, I have the right to wear them. (He glances at the bra.) Say, a never knew Gwen was a C-cup.

Leshawna: She's never gonna like you if you keep acting like a pervert!

Cody: Say, I should start a new product. I'll call them… bra hats! (Leshawna rolls her eyes and runs off. Meanwhile, Owen, Justin and Harold have all made it to the chicken pit.)

Owen: Uh-oh, Justin… I'm not the best with "tightropes".

Justin: I'm sure… you'll do fine… just carry me across…

Owen: OK, if you say so. (He takes a step out onto the tightrope.) Hm. Seems stable enough. (He takes another step, so now his whole body is standing on the tightrope.) Ha that was actually pretty—(The tightrope snaps, and down the two of them fall. The chickens surround them.)

Owen: Oh no! They think I'm a giant hunk of fatty meat! (Justin sees the chickens and screams.)

Justin: This face will not be mutilated just yet! (He pushes Owen down, and runs off. He is just able to make it out of the pit without getting bitten. Owen, however, is not so lucky. The chickens climb all over him, and by the time they pull away, his hair is tousled, his eyes are bloodshot, and he is covered in scratches and bite marks. The fat boy climbs out of the pit and sighs.)

Owen (to Justin): Why… why'd you abandon me?

Justin: I didn't abandon you! I just, er… left you behind. By accident, of course. I was about to come back and get you.

Owen: Really?

Justin: Of course! Does this gorgeous face lie to you?

Owen: Mmm… gorgeous.

Justin: Exactly! Gorgeous! (He suddenly remembers he's supposed to be injured, and falls to the ground.) Now… carry me. (Meanwhile, Harold is still on the other side, and is staring at the broken rope.)

Harold: Eh, no matter. I am most agile! (He does a twirl in midair as he jumps over the pit, and lands on the other side on just one foot, like a ballerina.)

Owen: Where'd you learn to be so nimble?

Harold: To fully immerse oneself while playing Nintendo DS, one must be buoyant and spry, and completely coordinated. (He jumps up and kicks through the air.)

Noah: Can you idiots stop practicing karate and help me across? (Everybody turns to him and sees that he is as black as coal, and his hair is still smoking.)

Owen: Noah! What happened?

Noah: Chris happened! You happened! That's what happened! Now set up some planks or something, I need to get across.

Harold: No can do. You're on the other team. (Noah snarls at him) Or… maybe we can help you just this once. (Together, he and Owen heft a log and place it over the pit. Noah starts to roll across.)

Owen: Whew, this challenge has really been sucking the life out of me. I need a minute. (He sits down on the other end of the log.)

Noah: No! Owen! Your weight will completely throw off the base of support—(But it is too late. Once Owen sits down, the log tips over, and both Noah and Owen fall in.)

Owen (as the chickens surround him): Gah! Not again! (He grabs onto the edge, but can't pull himself up.) Help! Noah! Push me up!

Noah: How do you expect me to do that? Both my arms are broken!

Owen: Just do it! Then I'll help pull you up!

Noah: But I can't! (The chickens start to cling to him.)

Owen: Then push me with your head!

Noah: Fine! But let's hurry! And don't you be leaving me behind, you got that?

Owen: OK! Just… AHHH! (A chicken is clinging to his butt, chewing on it like a chew toy. Noah quickly rolls over and starts ramming his head into Owen's backside, trying to help him up. Every time he does this, Owen lets loose a torrent of farts.)

Noah: Blech! This is completely revolting!

Owen: Just keep it up! I'm almost there! (Noah rams his head one more time, and Owen is able to get a sturdier hold on the ground. The fat boy pulls himself up and grins.)

Noah: Quick! Now help me out! (The chickens are all over him now, trying to bite through the cast. Owen doesn't come. Instead, he takes out a jar of pickles and starts munching one of them.) Owen! What are you doing?

Owen: Pickles are delicious.

Noah: That's great to know. Now help me!

Owen: I like pickles. (He starts to walk away.)

Noah: No! You gigantic tub of lard, come back here! (Owen just grabs Justin and walks away, stuffing pickle after pickle into his mouth.)

Noah: Great. Just great. You should've known better, Noah! This is _Owen_ we're talking about! His two brain cells can't perceive anything that involves more than five syllables! (Meanwhile, Katie and Sadie are right at the beginning of the jungle trek, looking at a fork in the paths.)

Sadie: Hm, which way should we go? Left or right?

Katie: Which one's right again? I'm not so good with like, directions.

Sadie: I forget too! Well, should we take the one that says "Super Danger Deadly Path", or "Lala Happy Sunshine Path"?

Katie: I don't know! Why'd Chris have to make it so hard to choose?

Sadie: He's trying to mess with our brains! Make it impossible for us to decide! I knew that man was up to something!

Katie: Why don't we just go right?

Sadie: But which one's right?

Katie: Let's just go that way. (She points at the space between the paths, which is mostly thickets.) That way, we can take both paths the same time!

Sadie: Wow, you're _so_ smart. (The two walk into the bushes, and disappear. Not too long after that, Courtney and Trent arrive in the same spot.)

Trent: Hm… "Super Danger Deadly Path" or "Lala Happy Sunshine Path"? It's obvious that it's a trap. We have to take the super deadly one. Chris is trying to trick us. He's using reverse psychology.

Courtney: But what if he's using reverse reverse psychology? What if he's assuming that we think that the deadly one is the safe one, so he's actually making _that_ the deadly one?

Trent: Well, what if he thinks that we think that the deadly one is the deadly one because we think that he thinks that we think that the deadly one is the safe one, so he's making the safe one the deadly one?

Courtney: Well, what if he thinks that we think that the deadly one is not the deadly one, because we think that he thinks that we think that the safe one is the deadly one because we think that that he thinks that we think that the deadly one is the safe one, because he thinks that we think that the deadly one is the deadly one, so he's making the safe one the safe one and the deadly one the deadly one?

Trent: Well, what if…

**Confession Cam**

**Trent: I admit, Chris is a crafty host. Who knows what he is thinking when he makes these challenges?**

**Courtney: Curse Chris for making such thought-provoking challenges! **

**Chris: Man, those two make it look like I actually put **_**thought**_** into my challenges! **

**End of Confessionals**

Bridgette: God, I hate being alone in the woods. I could use company, any kind of company, in fact. (Suddenly, a gorilla comes crashing through the trees, screeching and pounding his chest.)

Bridgette: Not _that_ kind of company! (She runs off, screaming. Chef takes off his gorilla mask and sighs.)

Chef: Aw, all I wanted was company. (Suddenly, a foot hits him in the face. Looking up, he sees Izzy and Gwen swinging by on a vine.)

Izzy: Oops! Sorry, Cheffie!

Chef: I'll get you for that! Hmm… right after I go have a banana latte. (He walks off, still in his gorilla suit, licking his lips. Eva, still stuck in the muck, sees this and growls.)

Eva: Chef! Come back here! Help me out! God, this is completely—(She is cut off by Izzy's foot slamming into her face as well, as they go swinging above.) No! They can't beat me! NO! (Izzy and Gwen drop to the ground, and glance at Eva.)

Gwen: Should we help her?

Izzy: Naw, she looks perfectly fine where she is. We couldn't get her out anyway. That's Chef's special clay! He puts the stickiest stuff in the world in that thing!

Eva: Help me out! Help me out! (But Gwen and Izzy are already sprinting to the finish line. They pass through it, and high five.)

**Confession Cam **

**Eva: **_**I **_**should've won first place. I should've won! (She starts to shake.) I hate everything about this place! I hate the food, I hate the challenges, and most of all, I hate the teammates. If I still had my dagger, oh, I might not be able to help myself! **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: Gwen and Izzy are the first to arrive! Who will come out next? Remember, the first team to have all of their members across wins! (Suddenly, Cody comes out of the jungle, cheering and whooping.)

Cody: Woo hoo! The Code-meister gets third! (He realizes Gwen is glaring at him, and remembers he still is wearing her skirt on his head and her bra on his chest.) Oh… you probably want this. (He takes the skirt off and hands it to her. Gwen snatches it from his hand, scowls at him, and slaps him across the face.)

**Confession Cam**

**Cody (rubbing his cheek): Yeah, I probably deserved that.**

**End of Confessionals**

Sierra: This seems way too familiar. (She, DJ, and Geoff are tied to a tree as the natives dance around them.)

Geoff: Hey, dudes! Rad party here! You know what the food is tonight? (The natives point to the three of them.)

DJ (in a soft, squeaky voice): Oh no. How are we gonna get out of this?

Sierra: After ten nights of studying the footage from last year's Amazon challenge, I can safely confirm that the only way they'll set any of us free is if they mistake one of us for a goddess. (Suddenly, the natives start pointing excitedly at Geoff.)

Geoff: Say, they must think _I'm_ a goddess! My pals back home _do_ say I look somewhat like a woman. (The natives untie him, lead him over to a boiling pot, and throw him in.)

Geoff: Say, nice hot tub you got here! I could have some wicked parties in here! (A broccoli floats by.) Sweet! There's food! (He picks it up and starts munching on it.) This is the best hot tub evar!

DJ: They're putting you in a stew, Geoff! It's not a hot tub!

Geoff: I'm pretty sure this is just they're way of worshipping me. Say, the water's getting a little hot. Can you natives turn it down?

Sierra: Geoff! They're roasting you alive, you naive imbecile! Jump out and save us!

Geoff: You're just jealous. (Sierra slaps her hand to her forehead and sighs.)

Sierra: Listen, Geoff, either you get out of that pot and untie us, or die a gruesome death.

Geoff: Rockin' in my hot tub, rockin' in my hot tub…

DJ: He's really gonna die, isn't he?

Sierra (shifting under the ropes): There's gotta be some way we can escape! (Suddenly, one of the natives takes out a cage filled with bunnies, and holds it over the pot. DJ gasps in horror.)

DJ: Don't tell me they're gonna put those poor, innocent bunnies in the stew too!

Sierra: I think they are! DJ, are you gonna stand for this animal cruelty?

DJ: No! I won't! (He starts to move forward, dragging the tree with him. The natives see this and try to block his path, but he barrels right through them. When he gets to the pot, he grabs the cage of bunnies and opens it.

DJ (a single tear running down his face): Now go free, bunnies, go free! Live a wonderful life! (The bunnies scamper out and into the undergrowth. A few moments later, a snake comes slithering out of that same spot, looking surprisingly plump. DJ sees this and freezes up.)

DJ: The bunnies… THE BUNNIES! I KILLED THE BUNNIES! (Suddenly, the natives surround them, spears raised.)

Sierra: DJ, get it together! We have to get out of here! (The natives start to close in on them, their spears pointed right at them. Geoff sees this and gets out of the pot, dripping wet.)

Geoff: Hey, dudes, no need to do that. These guys are good people! (The natives turn to Geoff and start to close in on him instead.) Whoa, what's the problem, guys? Does my breath smell that bad? (He takes out a breath mint and pops it in his mouth.) See? Better. (The natives continue to inch towards him. But now their spears are aiming straight at his hat.)

Geoff: NO! Not the hat! Not the hat! (He runs off, screaming. The natives turn back to Sierra and DJ and start to close in on them.)

Sierra: DJ! Quick! Get us out of here! (But DJ just stands there, staring at the ground.) Fine, I'll do this! (She lashes out with her foot, and it slams into the groin of one of the natives. He keels over.)

Native: I don't get paid enough for this job… (He gets back up and glares at Sierra.) Seriously, girl, was that necessary? Gawd. I'll just untie you and get it over with. This job is retarded, anyways. I know I should've just worked at Starbucks, like Mom said… (He takes out a dagger and slashes the rope. Sierra, dragging DJ, runs off. Meanwhile, Eva is still stuck in the muck, when another foot slams into her face. Looking up, she sees it is Geoff, running as fast as he can towards the finish line.)

Eva: No! This can't be—(She is cut off by two more pairs of feet slamming into her face, these being Sierra and DJ's. Next comes Leshawna, who also steps on Eva's face as she makes her way to the finish line. Eva's face is now covered in shoeprints, and she is seething.)

Eva: Just you wait! When I get out of here, I'll rip you all to shreds! All of you! (Trent and Courtney walk over, and see Eva.)

Trent: My my, Eva, what happened to you?

Eva: Chris set up some sort of mud! And I'm stuck!

Trent: Tsk tsk, Eva, you should've looked where you were going.

Eva: Help me out!

Trent: I would try, but that might slow me down. Try to get out before the end of the challenge! (And with that, he runs off, followed by Courtney.)

Eva: I have to get out! I have to get out! I have to get out! (Two more pairs of feet slam into her face, these ones belonging to Katie and Sadie.)

**Confession Cam**

**Eva: So Mr. Guitar pretty much stranded me in the middle of a challenge! What kind of alliance is this? **

**Trent: Seriously, Eva needs to learn to stop being so reckless. She might find that she has to pay for her mistakes. **

**End of Confessionals**

Alejandro: A gentleman… never gives up! (He is swimming through the rushing rapids, water spraying in his face. Lindsay pulls up next to him in her kayak and giggles.)

Lindsay: What are you doing, you weirdo?

Alejandro: What does it look like I'm doing? I was mugged by two psychopathic girls, and now I have to swim!

Lindsay: Oh, well, that's too bad.

Alejandro: But wait! We're on the same team… and I am very handsome… would you mind giving me a ride?

Lindsay: I don't know, Tyler might not like it.

Alejandro: Oh, I'm sure he wouldn't mind. (And with that, he grabs onto the edge of the kayak and pulls himself in. However, when he jumps in, he accidentally lands on top of Lindsay, looking down at her.)

Lindsay (angrily): Oh, so _that's_ what you meant when you wanted a _ride_! Is that really the kind of ride you wanted? Well I'll show you! (She picks him up.)

Alejandro: No, wait, Lindsay, what are you—(Lindsay throws him back into the water with a splash, and then speeds off.)

Alejandro (to himself): Why must she be so stupid and naïve at times, and paranoid and actually _smart_ at others? (Suddenly, he hears a voice behind him.)

Owen: Say, it's Al! Hi, Al!

Alejandro: Stop calling me that! (He notices Justin in Owen's arms, and tries to duck under the water. But Justin notices him.)

Justin: Hmm, what happened to our lady's man Alejandro? He would usually be relaxing in a kayak with a bunch of ladies! What happened, hmm?

Alejandro: Well, the kayaks are relatively small—

Justin: I think that Alejandro finally got a taste of the wrath that is females. Listen, I'll give you a ride, just because I'm so nice.

Owen: You're very nice.

Justin: I know, Owen, that's what I said. Now shut up and do something useful. (Owen farts.) How is _that_ useful?

Owen: Farting doesn't have to have a purpose. That's what makes it farting.

Justin: You disgusting little imbecile… you gluttonous nincompoop! You…

Alejandro: Yeah, I think I'm better off swimming.

Owen: Okay, your loss! (The kayak then blasts forward, ramming over the latino.)

Justin: Why'd you do that?

Owen: Hey, he's on the other team. I'm allowed to do that! (He looks at Justin.) You _are_ on my team, right?

Justin: Yeah, of course! We're teammates!

Owen: Then why are you never in the cabin?

Justin: Uh… because… I like to… uh… I like to sleep on the girls' side!

Owen: You're allowed to do that?

Justin: Yep. It's, uh… it's a real party in there.

Owen: Awesome! I can't wait to go!

**Confession Cam**

**Owen: Going on the girls' side would be awesome for me! It would be like a first contact! How should I greet them? Should I comb my hair? How long should I wait before I take off my pants?**

**Justin: If Owen took me seriously, I'm doomed. **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: And Beth is the twelfth person to arrive! The teams now stand at 6-6.

Gwen: Where's Alejandro? Don't you always travel with him?

Beth: Not any more. We're done! (Suddenly, everyone hears a voice from the bushes.)

?: Yes!

Beth: Who was that?

Izzy: It's probably a poltergeist! I met this really funny one a long time ago. He had been a dentist before, but his tools went haywire and killed him! He taught me how to fill cavities.

Leshawna: And how do you do that?

Izzy: Oh, all you have to do is take some lead and just stick it in.

Gwen: _You've _been filling people's cavities with _lead_?

Izzy: Yeah, why?

Gwen: Lead's poisonous!

Izzy: Oh, it is? No wonder I got my dentist permit removed! (Everybody slaps their hands to their foreheads and groans. Meanwhile, Lindsay is deep in the jungle when she hears a crash.)

Lindsay: What was that? Oh, I hope it wasn't one of those cute little display stands falling over!

Bridgette: No, it's a gorilla, and you better run! (Chef takes off his mask and growls.)

Chef: I aint no gorilla! I'm just me! (He smiles at Bridgette warmly. This makes the surfer scream and run as fast as she can away.)

Lindsay: Whoa, you're a weird gorilla.

Chef: And you're a beautiful little girl.

Lindsay: Uh…

Chef: I've been waiting for this moment far too long, Lindsay. You, me, alone in the jungle… Plenty of noises to hide your screams… (He starts inching towards her.) I think we should enjoy ourselves. (Lindsay starts to back away, trembling.)

Lindsay: What are you going to do?

Chef: Nothing much. Just some fun. (He reaches into his pocket and takes out a paddle.)

Lindsay: What's that?

Chef: It's a spank paddle. Something I like to use from time to time… (He inches forward even more, making Lindsay back away from him.)

Lindsay: You can't spank me!

Chef: Oh, I can, and I will. (He licks his lips.)

Lindsay: Help! Somebody! Anybody!

Chef: Nobody will save you, Lindsay. Give it up. You're mine! What do you expect, a hero to fall from the sky? (Suddenly, there's a scream, and something red slams into him from above, knocking him to the ground. The red thing stands up, revealing itself to be Tyler.)

Tyler (grabbing his head): Ugh… what happened?

Lindsay: My hero! (She runs forward and hugs him.)

Tyler: What? What'd I do?

Lindsay: You saved me, silly! Now what might your name be?

Tyler: Uh… Tyler?

Lindsay: Tyler! The one I have been waiting too long for! This is great! Now we can go shopping together and everything!

Tyler: You know who I am? You really do?

Lindsay: Not really, but I know you saved me! And because of that, you deserve a reward. (She springs forward and kisses him. Tyler is taken aback by this, and stumbles backward, right into Chef, who has gotten up and is snarling to himself. He sees Tyler and growls.)

Chef: Neither of you two is getting away! They're not gonna release this on TV, are they?

Tyler: We better get out of here! (Grabbing Lindsay's hand, they race off.)

**Confession Cam**

**Tyler: Does Lindsay finally know who I am? It's like a dream come true!**

**Lindsay: So Tyler finally came back. And this time, I won't forget anything about him! (She pauses) What color is his hair again?**

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: Look, here comes Bridgette! Followed by Tyler, and Lindsay!

Eva (from inside the jungle): Gah! Why'd they have to all step on my face, and why'd the ditsy blonde one have to wear high heels?

Gwen: Seriously, Eva needs to get out of there. We're gonna lose the challenge!

Trent: I'll say. We're gonna lose it anyway. Noah is currently being devoured by chickens, and Alejandro is trying to swim through painfully freezing cold water without a shirt on.

Gwen: How do you know all this?

Trent: I have my sources. (Meanwhile, Owen, Justin, and Harold are in the jungle, slowly trekking along.)

Harold: Man, the humidity in here is really fogging up my Nintendo DS's screen. I can barely see what I'm doing!

Justin: I just want to get out of here, and be done with this stupid competition! (Suddenly, a lion comes out of the bushes.)

Harold: What is a lion doing in a jungle? They live in grassy plains and open woodlands! Why couldn't Chris just care a little bit more about the way he conducts his show's intelligence?

Justin: Who cares about that? It's still a man-eating predator, and I'm not gonna die today! Since Owen's the juiciest, I say we sacrifice him.

Owen: I don't want to be sacrificed! Good golly, I want to liiiivveee! (And with that, he grabs Justin and Harold, and runs off, farting nervously. He lands on Eva's face, and springboards off of it. The lion does the same, digging its claws into the buff girl's cheeks.)

Chris: Now let's see who's coming in the distance! It seems that Owen, Justin, and Harold made a new friend! In other words, everybody run! (Everybody scrambles out of the way as Owen barrels by with Justin and Harold tucked under his arms, followed by the lion. However, the lion suddenly runs into a cage, where someone reaches down and locks it.)

Owen: Nice one, Chef!

Chef: Hey, just looking out for my beloved campers.

Chris: Since when did you become so cheery?

Chef: Uh… I just love the show! And I would never do anything sadistic, murderous, or sexual to my campers! (He looks over at Lindsay and does a cutting motion across his throat with his finger.)

**Confession Cam**

**Chef: Nobody's gonna find out about what I did. I just have to hope it doesn't make it into the final cut. But I also know that Lindsay has enough brains to know that she won't be blabbing about this to anyone. **

**Chris: Of course I know what Chef did! Do I care? Not at all! That would sooo make it into the final cut, if this show didn't have to be for kids.**

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: Steady… steady… (He is having a crane lift something out of the chicken pit. Finally, up comes Noah in his wheelchair, his cast torn and his body still charred.)

Noah: Ow… this has not been the easiest day… I've given up.

Chris: But, Noah! You still have a chance to win! Not all the people from the other team have made it in!

Noah: Really?

Chris: Nope! Your team lost, thanks to you, Alejandro, and Eva!

Noah: You really are a Satan.

Chris: Whatever. See you at the campfire ceremony. (He snaps his fingers, and teleports to Alejandro, who is on the ground, soaking wet and shivering.)

Alejandro: S-s-so c-c-cold…

Chris: Aw, poor Alejandro. What are you talking about? Your body from the freezing cold swim you just recently had to endure, or your heart due to the fact that most of the girls on your team hate you and you also failed the challenge for your team?

Alejandro: No comment. So, do I get a hot shower or something?

Chris: What do you think my answer to that question will be? (He snaps his fingers, and finally, he teleports to Eva, who is having a complete temper tantrum.)

Chris: Calm down, babe! (He takes out a bucket of steaming hot water and pours it on the ground. The mud shrinks away, and Eva is able to step out and grin proudly.)

Eva: Thanks, man! I'll see you at the finish line! (She starts to run towards it.)

Chris: No, wait, Eva, you see—(But Eva has already made it to the finish line, and is cheering happily. Chris comes over and sighs.)

Chris: I hate to break it to you, but your team already lost.

Eva: Wait… what?

Chris: I said, your team already lost! Thanks to you and your little getting-stuck-in-the-muck butt!

Eva: NO!

Chris: Yes!

Eva: No, this can't be happening! YAAHH! (She starts running around, ripping up the ground and hurling random objects at people.) I REFUSE TO LOSE! NO!

Chris: Chef, I'm gonna need another cage over here!

**Confession Cam **

**Eva: I can't believe my team lost! How could we lose? How could we? I'm so angry! Well, **_**I'm**_** definitely not the reason my team lost. Well, maybe I was… but only a little! **

**Noah: This day can't get much worse. But I might as well still vote and hope for the best. **

**Trent: As much as I would like to say goodbye to that putrid Gwen, there's really only one person I can vote for. You screwed up today. **

**Izzy: I'm voting for Gwen! After all, that's what alliances are for! At least, I think… **

**Alejandro: I have to vote for Noah. He is, after all, of no use any more. **

**Cody: Er… Eva. I hope she doesn't snap my arms if she hears this. **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: Welcome, campers, to another dramatic granola bar ceremony. (The campers are all sitting in their seats, Eva trapped in a cage and shaking the bars.) You've all cast your votes. One of you will not receive a delicious, premium, mouth-watering, tender, juicy, delectable…

Courtney: Get on with it!

Chris: Fine! One of you will not receive a granola bar. Though I think describing it adds drama. Now, I have, uh… wait, how many granola bars do I have on my plate? I'm not too good at counting.

Gwen: You have ten, Chris.

Chris: Oh, makes sense! You ready to see who goes home?

Trent: At this rate, I'll be happy to be the one voted off!

Chris: Fine, I'll hurry this up. The first granola bar goes to Beth. (Beth smiles and grabs her granola bar.) The next two are for Cody and Izzy.

Cody: Oh, yeah! The Code-meister rocks it! (He tries to grab a granola bar, but misses the plate completely and lands face-first on the ground.)

Izzy: Ha! Fun! (She jumps down on top of him.)

Chris: Don't mind the losers over there. Now… Trent, you're safe, as well as Courtney and…

Eva: Eva? Eva? Is it Eva?

Chris: Nope! Justin!

Justin: Um, Chris? Do you have any supplements for the granola bars, with perhaps fewer calories? I'm on a diet.

Chris: What do you think my answer to that question will be? OK… let's see who's left. (Still seated are Alejandro, Gwen, Eva, Noah, and Lindsay.) The next granola bar is for Lindsay.

Lindsay: Aw, so no marshmallows?

Chris: No, but you already have two very nice ones.

Noah: Chris! Enough with the hitting on Lindsay!

Chris: Sorry, I'm a perv! I can't help myself! Gwen, you're safe, too.

Izzy: Aw, even though I voted for her?

Gwen: Wait, you voted for me?

Izzy: Yep! Aren't I a great alliance buddy?

Gwen: Umm, I think I need to explain the rules of an alliance again to you.

Trent: It's cute, really, what you're trying to do.

Gwen: I don't need your mouth, right now, buddy!

Trent: Hey, sorry. I'm just stating a fact.

Chris: Now, the three of you, Noah, Eva, and Alejandro, all got quite a few votes. Besides the fact that you three did not finish the race, there are separate reasons why each of you could be the one to get the boot. Noah, you're now in a wheelchair, deeming you rather useless to the rest of the team. Not only that, you also wear a sweater vest.

Noah: What does that have to do with-

Chris: Eva! Your temper tantrum was immature, bratty, and annoying. Plus, you were in first place, and somehow still managed to lose for your team. Seriously, girl, take some anger management classes.

Eva: SHUT UP!

Chris: My point exactly. And Alejandro… you managed to tick off Beth and Lindsay, two very fine females that did not deserve your cheating and sadistic ways. Plus, you're just weird. Stop speaking in poetry language, goddamn it! But tonight, you are safe. (Alejandro comes up and takes his granola bar.)

Alejandro: This granola bar represents the struggles of humanity! The beauty of the human mind. The outcome of perseverance, power, and belief in oneself! This granola bar…

Chris: Oh, great, there he goes again. So, Noah and Eva, ready to see which one of you will say goodbye? Here's an interesting coincidence: You two were voted off back to back in season 1!

Noah: Why are you telling us this?

Chris: I don't know. Just a piece of useless trivia they can put on the Total Drama Wiki. So, here we go. The final granola bar goes to…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

Noah!

Noah: Really? I'm in?

Eva: WHAT? I'M OUT?

Chris: Yep. Congratulations. Bye bye. Time to walk the Dock of Shame, take a ride on the Boat of Losers, and leave so I never have to see you again! Gentlemen, take her away. (Two buff guards grab her cage and start to carry her down the dock.)

Eva: I WILL KILL YOU ALL! WHY WOULD YOU VOTE FOR ME, AND NOT NOAH? HE'S IN A WHEELCHAIR, FOR GOD SAKES!

Trent: Yes, but he knows how to control his temper. (Eva turns to him, murder in her eyes.)

Eva: YOU VOTED FOR ME, DIDN'T YOU! I THOUGHT WE WERE IN AN ALLIANCE!

Trent: Oh, well, I guess I decided it wasn't the best choice. Oh, and I also need this. (Before Eva can stop him, he reaches into her pocket, pulls out the picture of Chris and Chef, and slips it into his shirt. Courtney grins and walks over.)

Courtney: Bye, Eva! I hope you enjoy losers' paradise!

Eva: I WILL, OVER YOUR DEAD BODY! (She rips open the cage and scampers into the woods, disappearing into the trees.)

Chris: Man, why do they keep on getting away? It's been getting on my nerves!

Cody: Well, you have to go out and catch her, Chris. She said she was gonna murder us!

Chris: Hey, it could improve ratings. I'll let her stay, for now.

**Confession Cam**

**Noah: I have a feeling I would be pretty high up on Eva's murder list. I'm injured, weakened… and somehow, in someway, I beat her in an elimination ceremony. **

**End of Confessionals **

Sierra: Owen! Get out!

Leshawna: What the f**k, are you doing in here?

Bridgette: Have you no respect for women?

Katie and Sadie: Get out! Get out! Get out!

Owen: Fine! Sheesh! (He closes the door to the girls' side of the Killer Redwoods Cabin and sighs.)

Owen: I guess they don't like visitors while their changing. (He pauses, and thinks back to when he was in the cabin. Then he realizes something.)

Owen: Justin wasn't in there. He lied to me. (Meanwhile, Alejandro is waiting at the dock of shame, when Heather comes out of the bushes.)

Alejandro: Ah, you look beautiful, señorita.

Heather: Yeah, of course, leaves in my hair, dirt on my face… Duncan and Ezekiel have actually been acting like they _like_ to be outdoors!

Alejandro: Well, I think it truly compliments your beauty.

Heather: I saw you today. It seems that Mr. Sexy Guy didn't get as many ladies as he had hoped.

Alejandro: I was truly only thinking about you. And… did you just call me sexy?

Heather: Uh… no! Just a name, okay?

Alejandro: Tell me about the revolt.

Heather: What's there to tell? We're gonna take down that camp!

Alejandro: Just because you lose, doesn't mean you should be a poor sport.

Heather: I'm not being a poor sport! I'm just standing up for what is right!

Alejandro: OK, sure. But what would you think if a team of say, Owen, Gwen, and Harold were revolting?

Heather: I would be super annoyed!

Alejandro: How different would it be for the rest of us, then, if you were to revolt?

Heather: I'm gonna do it. You can't stop me.

Alejandro: I know I can't. But in case something happens… I want to give you something.

Heather: Oh boy, let's see what tacky gift you got this time—(She is cut off by Alejandro's lips meeting hers. He pulls away after a couple of seconds, and much to her embarrassment, she stumbles forward, not wanting the kiss to end.)

Alejandro: That was my gift.

Heather: In that case, I have a gift to give you back. (This time she starts the kiss, and it goes on for much longer. They start to make-out. Above them twinkles the stars, glinting ever so beautifully. Chris and Chef are watching all of this from atop a hill.)

Chris: *sigh*… Looks like fun, huh, Chef? (He starts nudging the cook and winking.) Huh, Chef, huh, Chef, huh? (Chef glares at him, and then punches him in the face. Chris reels backward, and then gets up, a black eye swelling. He starts the sign off.)

**Alejandro and Heather? The new big couple?**

**How will the contestants fare tomorrow?**

**Can we stop the ever growing revolt? **

**How fast will Noah heal from his wounds?**

**And why won't Chef be nicer to me?**

**Tune in next time to see the answers on the next hilarious, dramatic, and random episode of**

**Total Drama Returns!**

**Eliminated: Heather, Duncan, Eva**

**Still in the game: Noah, Katie, Sadie, Cody, Trent, Lindsay, Beth, Harold, Tyler, Izzy, Owen, Sierra, Alejandro, Gwen, Courtney, Leshawna, Justin, Geoff, Bridgette, DJ**

**Elsewhere: Ezekiel **

**Note: Sorry to all Eva fans. I don't know how many there are out there, but there might be a few. She really isn't that easy to work with, and I feel she fits in better among the revolt. And yes, the revolt will be sometime in the next day. On a side note: Was that scene with Lindsay and Chef a little much? Do you think the rating should be changed to M? Please put your thoughts on this matter in your review. **

**Votes: **

Izzy—Gwen

Noah—Alejandro

Justin—Noah

Lindsay—Alejandro

Beth—Alejandro

Trent—**Eva**

Cody—**Eva**

Eva—Noah

Courtney—**Eva**

Alejandro—Noah

Gwen—**Eva**

**Eva: 4**

Noah: 3

Alejandro: 3

Gwen: 1


	13. Day 4 Part 1: The Rebellion Begins

**Total Drama Returns**

The Cheesebub's Message: Well, out of the few who voted on the poll, the most said "Yes", some said "Yes, after Total Drama Returns", and 1 person said "I don't care". Now, this would be a good basis to go by, but due to the fact that barely ANYONE voted, I'm still not really sure what to do. That's why I'm gonna wait until I pound down to the final 15 of this story, then take a small break, maybe two or three weeks. During that time, I'll start my OC story. I'm thinking Total Drama Travels Through Time. Sound good? Also, have you seen the new season of Survivor? Absolutely epic! Best first elimination ceremony ever! So glad Russel's out. Rooting for Ralph, David, Sarita, and Andrea.

One other thing… to give you more incentive to review, from now on, I'll respond to _every_ single one of your reviews at the beginning of each chapter. So… ask questions about what's to come, how your favorite character will fare, stuff like that. I'll try to answer them without giving too much away. And yes, I have all the eliminations planned.

**Punk Rockette & Noah914—**Good to know that keeping Noah got a positive reaction. Thanks to the both of you! Also, to Noah914… I'll keep it at T, if that means you'll continue to read it. I'm still not sure why I did that Lindsay and Chef scene.

**Yman—**Not sure how to respond to this, but thanks for the review!

**XXFireballXX—**Aw, I don't think I'm as good as the producers. But thanks anyway. Yep, I'll definitely keep it at T now.

* * *

Chris Maclean: Last time on Total Drama Returns… With no time for a reward challenge, we headed right into the day's epic immunity challenge, THE GREAT QUINTATHLON! While some succeeded, others failed miserably. I'm still not sure how this show is gonna pay Noah's medical bills… Eva maintained an early lead throughout the challenge, but ultimately paid the price for her team when she got stuck in the muck, and lost the challenge for the Screaming Ivy! Now, they could've voted for Noah, the guy who's now pretty much useless in challenges and a writing deadweight…

Noah: HEY!

Chris: Or Alejandro, who seriously needs to stop menstruating…

Alejandro: HEY!

Chris: But no! They had to vote for Eva! And she just _had_ to escape, and run off into the woods! But one exciting thing happened… Heather and Alejandro finally kissed! It's so beautiful! Seriously, I was truly touched. But I still want to kill Heather and all the other idiots trying to rebel. Seriously, it's annoying. Once you're voted off, you're voted off! Why can't anybody understand that? But whatever. I still have Chef for moral support. But the campers might have to be on _life_ support by the end of today's challenge! What's in store for out contestants? See here on… TOTAL DRAMA RETURNS!

**(Theme Song Plays)**

**Day 4 Part 1—Chapter 13: The Rebellion Begins**

**Killer Redwoods Cabin (Nighttime)**

Tyler: Dudes, I'm so bored! I'm boreder than bored! I'm like, bored!

DJ: That's great to know, Tyler. Now can you go back to sleep? It's 1: 00 in the morning!

Tyler: I'm gonna go take a jog. (He jogs out into the darkness. The wind is howling, the trees are shaking, and shadows are passing through the night. The other boys watch him from the open door.)

Harold: How long do you think it will be before he comes running back, screaming like a baby?

Geoff: 3… 2… 1…

Tyler: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (The guys have to jump out of the way as he hurls through the open door, and lands on the floor with a sickening crunch.)

DJ: What… what'd you see out there? (He is trembling fiercely.)

Tyler: I don't know, dudes. But I saw… something. (DJ is shaking even more now.)

DJ: Go on.

Tyler: I was walking through the shadows—er, I mean _jogging_ through the shadows, when suddenly, rising above the darkness, was a single fluffy ball. (The room falls silent.) It was shrouded in mist, so I couldn't quite make out any more details. But it was bobbing slowly, back and forth… back and forth…

DJ: Stop it man! Don't scare me! (He starts to walk towards his bed, but slams into the window. His face pressed up against the glass, he notices a fuzzy ball slowing tapping the glass outside the window. He jumps back, screaming. The ball is suddenly gone.)

DJ: I saw one too!

Owen: Oh no! It's attack of the fuzzy balls from outer space!

Geoff: Dudes, it's obviously just one of these. (He takes a toque out of his pocket, the one he found in the woods.)

Tyler: W-What's that?

Harold: It must be some sort of alien symbiote that Geoff was able to kill! How'd you do it?

Geoff: Guys, it's not an alien! It's a toque!

Owen: A "toque"? Sounds like a kind of chocolate. One of those Turkish kinds.

Geoff: It's not a chocolate! It's a hat!

Owen: A hat? (He puts it on.) Say, not a bad hat at that. Hey! I made a rhyme!

Tyler: I love hats! Here, let me try it on. (He tries to take it off Owen's head, but it doesn't budge.) Hm, it's not coming off. (He gets a sturdier grip on the toque, and tugs again.) It still won't budge! (Using all his strength, he tugs and tugs on the toque, but it just won't come off.)

Owen: Oh no! It's attached to my head and is sucking my brain juice out! It's feeding off of me! It's feeding off of me!

Geoff: It's obvious that it's just a little tight. Calm down, guys. Let's just go back to bed.

Owen: But it's so itchy! (He is scratching furiously at his head.)

DJ: And I'm scared!

Tyler: Yeah, I don't know how I'm gonna sleep tonight. (Owen glances around at all of them, and then speaks up.)

Owen: Say, wanna sleep in the same bed?

The rest of them: NO!

Owen: OK. Just asking.

**Confession Cam**

**Owen: I like this new hat of mine! Look how fun to flick it is! (He flicks it, and the ball bobs back and forth.) Heeheehee… (He glance up at the hat and starts to think.) Hmm… this hat seems a little familiar… but I can't quite place it. **

**End of Confessionals **

**Screaming Ivy Cabin**

Izzy: And then… just as they were about to make it to the car door… BAM! The killer jumps out and slices them both into human sushi! (Cody screams in fear and clings to Gwen. She responds by shoving him off.)

Beth: Whoa. That was intense. I didn't know you were so good at telling scary stories, Izzy!

Justin: I can't go back to bed now!

Izzy: Ha! That's not even my best one! What'd you think, Noah?

Noah: Meh.

Izzy: "Meh"? That's all you can say? "Meh"?

Noah: I think scary stories are a waste of time. All they do is spread paranoia and fear. And that's something we don't need in our cabin. We just lost two straight challenges!

Izzy: Oh, calm down, Noah. Everything's just fine! (She jumps onto his lap and sits there, her soft butt resting on his thighs. Noah stares down at her, surprised. Then his face contorts with pain.)

Noah: Ow!

Izzy: What? What'd I do?

Cody: Ooh, that's gotta hurt, Noah. Getting a boner in a rock solid full body cast… I know your pain. (He rubs his groin, as if remembering painful memories.)

Gwen: Seriously, guys, we need to listen to Noah. We have to talk strategy for the next challenge!

Courtney: Hm, I don't know. I think we could still trim some more extremely annoying fat off our team. (She glares straight at Gwen.)

Gwen: Can't you see what's going on? The Killer Redwoods are gaining momentum! If we don't win a challenge, they could get every one of us off the island! We don't want to end up like Team Victory, do we?

Lindsay: Aw, but I loved Team Victory! We were all so happy on that team!

Gwen: We need some sort of strategy!

Trent: Seriously girl, nobody cares what you think. So why don't you just go back to bed, and never speak again? (Gwen scowls at him, then rolls into bed. Everybody besides Courtney stares at Trent disapprovingly.)

Alejandro: That was harsh, amigo.

Trent: So? Who do you think we should vote for next? (Everybody continues to stare at him.) Wait… you can't possibly be thinking of voting for me, can you?

Beth: I don't know… you _have_ gotten kind of annoying.

Trent: I say we vote for Noah. All in favor?

Noah: I'm still here, you know! I can't take this cabin anymore. I'm going out. (He rolls his wheelchair out into the darkness.)

**Confession Cam**

**Noah: And of course, they don't even notice I'm missing in the morning. **

**End of Confessionals**

Izzy: The first victim. (She starts to laugh maniacally.)

Justin: You really _are_ crazy, aren't you?

Izzy: Crazy is only a relative term. (She starts to swing back and forth from the top bunk, howling like a monkey.)

**Confession Cam**

**Trent: I sense a little uneasiness among my team. It's just a matter of time before they start to team up against me… So I need to find some way to convince everybody to vote for Gwen or Noah. **

**Courtney: Even if she **_**was**_** really crazy, couldn't we have at least kept Eva for a little longer? We've already lost two of our strongest challenge contenders, and yes, I'm saying that about Duncan, too, even if I think he's vile. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Killer Redwoods Cabin (Females)**

Bridgette: Sierra! Shut off that glaring computer of yours! (She takes her surfboard and tries to use it to block the worst of the glare.)

Sierra: Sure thing, Bridgette. I just have to finish writing this last blog post of mine.

Leshawna: What's there to write about at two in the morning?

Sierra: Well, right now I'm writing about Owen's left earlobe.

Katie: How much can you write about _that_?

Sierra: Well, as of now, five paragraphs.

Leshawna: Let me see that! (She walks over to Sierra's computer and screams.) This isn't a blog page!

Sierra: Oops. Forgot to close out of my "Cody" porn. Even if I loathe him as a person, I still think he's got a sweet bod.

Leshawna: Look at those ribs pokin' out! That boy needs to eat something!

Bridgette: Can you two close that thing? My eyes are becoming scarred! (Sierra nods, and closes it. However, when she does this, a video chat comes up, revealing a face shrouded in darkness.)

?: Ladies… please, all of you gather around… I have something to tell all of you… (The girls tentatively huddle around the computer.) That's better.

Leshawna: What do you want from us, fool? And what's that stupid fuzzy ball on your head?

?: It's a toque, eh! And if you know what's good for you, you won't insult the toque!

Sadie: Who are you?

?: I, ladies, am your worst nightmare.

Leshawna: Oh, then you must be Cody.

?: Nope! I aint Cody, eh! I am the Great Z! And I have come to warn you… something big will happen tomorrow. Prepare yourelf, eh! Muahahahahah gack! *Cough* Cough* Man, I have to work on my evil laugh. (The camera shuts off.)

Katie: Hm, you meet some interesting people online, Sierra. (Meanwhile, on the other side of the video chat, Ezekiel has just closed his computer and turns to the others sitting behind him.)

Ezekiel: It's finished. That's enough foreshadowing for one night, eh. Tomorrow we strike!

Duncan: They'll never know what hit them. Say, where's Heather? (Suddenly, Heather walks over.) Where were you?

Heather: Nowhere! Geez! (She sits down, humming happily to herself.)

Ezekiel: I know what she was doing. She was with Alejandro, eh!

Heather: You have no idea!

Duncan: His lipstick is smeared across your face. (Heather blushes and wipes it off.)

Heather: That's er… that's mine.

Ezekiel: Is that the new thing these days? Kissing oneself?

Duncan: No. Listen, Heather, we're fine with the fact that you like Alejandro. Disappointed, but fine.

Heather: I don't like him! I don't like him!

Duncan: How can you even deny it? You and him have been making out all over the place!

Heather: Whatever. Can we just start preparing for the rebellion?

Ezekiel: Sure, eh! See look, all our stuff is over here… (He leads them to the center of the campsite, and screams. The food is lying in heaps everywhere, torn and shredded. Some sort of creature is scrounging through it, drooling crazily.)

Heather: What is it?

Ezekiel: It looks like a bear!

Duncan: It looks like a raccoon! (He shudders, remembering his past experience with raccoons in Season 1.)

Heather: It looks like… _Eva_? (The creature looks up at them and snarls. Yes, it _is_ Eva, but she seems to have descended into a feral state. The only thing recognizable anymore is her unibrow. The rest of her face and body is caked in mud.)

Ezekiel: Wow, that's reminds me of meself back in Season 3.

Heather: How'd that happen so quickly? She was voted off, like, four hours ago!

Ezekiel: Eh, sometimes it can catch on real fast.

Duncan: Look at her! She's bloodthirsty! She's vicious! She'll tear any living being apart in thirty seconds flat! (He turns to Heather and smiles.) Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Heather: Oh, yes.

**Confession Cam**

**Ezekiel: Man, it seems like I started a big tradition of returning to the competition when you're not supposed to! Izzy, of course, was my main influence when learning how to find illegal ways to get back into the game. **

**Heather: As much as Eva freaks me out, we need her. Now we all have our roles. I'm the negotiator, of course, and the leader. Ezekiel's just… there. Eva's the violent one. And Duncan's the strategist. He's pretty smart. Always alert, always thinking about the game. **

**Duncan: Hmm… I wonder how a tattoo of a cinnamon bun across my butt cheek would look?**

**End of Confessionals **

(The sun is slowly rising over the horizon. The campers are getting up and stretching.)

DJ: Worst… night… ever. I don't think I could sleep after that!

Owen: I told you we should've slept together. (He grabs at the toque.) It's still stuck! I kinda feel like the circulation is being cut off to my brain.

Alejandro: Oh, don't worry, Owen. That circulation was cut off long ago.

Owen: Thanks, Al! You're a real pal! Say, I'm feeling a little lightheaded…. (He sways around for a little bit, and then falls over, crushing Alejandro beneath him.)

Alejandro: Get off me! Get off me! Help! His flab in crushing me! (But nobody hears his cries. Gwen steps out of the cabin and grabs Izzy's shoulders.)

Gwen: Tell me why you voted for me last night.

Izzy: Cause that's what friends are for! We _are_ in an alliance, aren't we? You double crossing me?

Gwen: That's not the purpose of an alliance, Izzy! We have to work together to vote _other _people off!

Izzy: Relax. I know you want Trent gone. I can help you with that. (She takes out an ax and starts swinging it around.)

Gwen: Not like _that_!

Izzy: What? I was just practicing my ax swinging! (She puts the ax on the ground.) Say, do you feel like we're missing somebody? Somebody in a wheelchair?

Gwen: Noah?

Izzy: No, that can't be it. I'll figure it out. (She troops off. Meanwhile, the girls of the Killer Redwoods are glancing nervously around as they step out of the cabin.)

Leshawna: All clear.

Sierra: Relax, guys! Nothing's gonna happen!

Leshawna: How do you know that? There could be some dangerous dude out there!

Katie: Umm, guys? (She points to Owen, who is getting up and rubbing his head. Leshawna notices the fuzzy ball on the top of his toque.)

Leshawna: So it was _you_ who was usin' that stupid video chat! You freak!

Owen: Wait… what? (But before he can realize it, Leshawna walks over and knees him the groin. Owen keels over and flattens Alejandro once more, just when the latino is starting to get up.)

Bridgette: Well, that solves the mystery. (Suddenly, Chris's voice blares over the intercom.)

Chris: Everybody to the mess hall! It's time for breakfast! (With this statement, Owen hops up and runs off, drooling excitedly. What he doesn't notice is that Alejandro is still smashed across his butt. All the campers enter the mess hall and sit down.)

Chris: Good morning, campers! How'd you all sleep last night?

Courtney: Horribly! Izzy was telling stupid horror stories, Beth was snoring as loud as hell, Cody was masturbating under the covers, Gwen was being Gwen, two of the beds broke, and a small fire somehow started in Justin's bed!

Chris: Great to know you slept so well. Ready to have a delicious, nutritious breakfast?

Chef: Minus the deliciousness and nutritiousness, of course. In coming! (He hurls one straight at Lindsay, and it splatters across her face.)

Lindsay: Ow…

Chef: In coming! (He throws another one at Lindsay, and splatters across her face again.) In coming! (He throws another at her.)

Trent: Why do you keep on giving them to _her_? Give em to the rest of us already! (Chef responds by throwing a granola bar straight at Trent's gut, knocking the wind out of him.)

Chef: The blonde girl deserves her granola bars! Now shut up!

**Confession Cam**

**Chef: I need to make sure Lindsay and I are on good terms again. Throwing granola bars at her is sort of my way of saying "I like you". **

**Lindsay: Why would Shemp do something like that? I hate him! **

**End of Confessionals **

Chef: In coming!

Tyler: Enough! (He jumps in front of Lindsay as the cook hurls another one at her. It slams into his chest, knocking him over.)

Lindsay: Thanks, Ted!

Tyler: I'd take a granola bar going at fifty miles an hour for you any day, babe.

Chris: Enough with the lovey dovey crap! Everybody eat up, and meet me at the campfire pit in twenty. (He leaves the room. Chef walks over to each of the tables, and dumps a pile of granola bars on each one. He then walks over to Owen, takes out a spatula, and pries Alejandro off the fat boy's butt.)

Owen: Wow! Sorry, Al!

Alejandro: I… HATE… YOU! (He slowly stretches his back, but can't stand up, due to still being as flat as a pancake.)

Harold: Wow! He's gotten so much plastic surgery that he's turned into some sort of gumby-like substance!

Alejandro: Must… stand… (He slowly gets himself up, and wobbles back and forth. He lands in a seat next to Justin.)

Justin: So, how's life been treatin' ya?

Alejandro: You might think you have the better of me now, but just you wait. You'll all pay! Every single one of you!

Justin: No one's listening to you, you know. (Alejandro sighs, and stuffs a granola bar in his mouth. Immediately, he throws up.)

Alejandro: What is this made of?

Chef: One hundred percent quality crap. Now eat up.

Owen: I sure am, Chef, and I have to say, your El di Intestines is absolutely exquisite!

Chef: Good. It's nice to get some praise around here. (He walks back to the kitchen, and shuts the door behind him. A few seconds later, the campers hear a scream and a crash. Then… silence.)

Beth: Did you guys hear that? It sounds like Chef had a heart attack!

Trent (shrugging): Eh, he probably just looked in the mirror for the first time.

Geoff: Dudes! The door's locked to the kitchen!

Owen: Oh, come on, guys. Chef probably just has some private business to take care of.

Leshawna: I don't even want to know what you mean by that, sicko.

Izzy: The second victim. MUAHAHAHAHA!

Courtney: Will you pipe down? You're yelling right into my left ear!

Izzy: Oh. Sorry. (She moves over to Courtney's right ear.) MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Gwen: We need to go find Chris. He told us to meet him at the Campfire Pit.

Trent: And what do you suppose we tell him? That Chef locked the doors to the kitchen and had a mental breakdown?

Gwen: What's your suggestion?

Trent: We vote off Gwen.

Gwen: What does that have to do with the current situation?

Trent: I dunno. But that's my suggestion. (He leans back in his chair, and munches a granola bar.)

Gwen: What happened to you? You're a monster!

Trent: "Monster" is only a relative term. (Grinning slyly, he leans even farther back in his chair, but leans too far, and tips over and crashes to the floor.)

Gwen: You're right. You're actually pretty pathetic for a monster.

Trent: I'm just a simple guy trying to win some simple cash. (He gets up and resets his chair.)

Gwen: I'm going to the campfire pit. Anyone who wants to come can follow me.

Trent: Ha! Like anybody would follow you—(He is cut off by the sounds of scurrying feet as everyone follows closely behind her.)

**Confession Cam**

**Trent: Why is everybody so attracted to Gwen? I'm just as likable! Don't you think? (He pauses.) On second thought, don't answer that question. **

**End of Confessionals**

(The campers, including Trent, make it to the campfire pit. Chris sits there, grinning his usual sadistic smile. Although this time, it's even eviler. Sitting behind him are giant spiky metal balls, blades spinning excitedly, flames flying everywhere, knives falling from the sky, and giant lizards swallowing everything in sight.)

Chris: Ready to start today's challenge?

Gwen: Chris, we have to tell you something! You see—

Chris: Don't interrupt me when I'm announcing today's challenge! Now, to continue…

Leshawna: Shut your stupid skinny white boy mouth! Nobody cares about your challenge!

Chris: But… but I put so much thought into it!

Leshawna: No you didn't.

Chris: Yeah, you're right. But I'm gonna talk about today's challenge, and you're gonna do it, and you're gonna like it! If you don't die first.

Gwen: Please, Chris, listen to us!

Chris: Listen to this! This is our first challenge where you have a 95% chance of losing an extremity!

Beth: You can't make us do this!

Chris: Yes I can. Now, to explain today's challenge. I like to call it—(He is cut off by a boomerang whizzing by and slamming into his temple with a thud. Chris sways around for a little bit, and falls to the ground, unconscious. The boomerang shoots back around, and a hand reaches up from behind the stage and catches it. Ezekiel, Duncan, Heather, and a rabid Eva step out.)

Lindsay: OK, I'm so confused right now.

Gwen: Duncan? What are you still doing here?

Duncan: What do you think I'm doing? I was robbed of my money!

Ezekiel: Oh, don't worry, Duncan, we'll have all the money we want. And all the power we want! This whole island's ours, now! (Then he points at the campers.) And _you'll_ have to do what we say. Because you can now call this… TOTAL EZEKIEL ISLAND!

**What will Ezekiel's idea of a competition be?**

**Can Chris and Chef come back and save the day? **

**Will Owen ever get his toque off? **

**What happened to Noah? **

**How does Gwen feel about the fact that Duncan joined the rebellion? **

**Can I come up with answers to all these plot holes that I haven't quite figured out yet?**

**Find out on the next nerve-racking, just plain weird chapter of**

**Total Drama Returns!**

**Note: Yes, this was a weird chapter. It also contained a lot of horror movie spoofs. Can you guess which horror movies this was spoofing? Also, this is not a permanent thing. It's only for this episode. **


	14. Day 4 Part 2: Total Ezekiel Island?

**Total Drama Returns**

***ahem***

**Er… I mean, TOTAL EZEKIEL ISLAND!**

The Cheesebub's Message: The longest time to update, but the longest chapter to date. Cheers, I guess. I dunno, there's just something weird about Ezekiel running the island. But it's kind of awesome, too. There's also a new poll up on my profile, asking what the name of my OC story should be called. Remember, this will be a story where YOU send in characters to compete in Total Drama. This is also a very heavy chapter on numerous characters.

Also, an era has ended in Survivor: Redemption Island. Russel Hantz has finally been eliminated from the game. A moment of silence.

(Silence)

**Panda Reaper—**Don't worry about Trent. He'll have a better plan soon enough. He _is_ the main antagonist, after all.

**Noah914—**I kind of stopped doing the Geoff and cereal thing, because it didn't seem to get any positive reaction. But now that you said that… I'll try to put it in my story more.

**TotalDramaKingdomHearts—**Duncan could double cross the rebellion at one point. It all depends on how heartfelt I want this day to be. And where Noah could possibly be… You'll see in a minute.

**Anonymous Reader—**Hmm, a Geoff fan. It seems they're becoming fewer and fewer by the day. Well, about his stay on the island—I can't guarantee how long it will be, but it will certainly be an eventful one.

**HexMaster—**Thanks for the flattering review! I rarely get those now.

**Here's another thing to remember: More review equals quicker updates. This is my latest update yet. Hopefully you'll take the short time to say something about my fic. It can be as short as "This Rocks" or as long as "This is the greatest piece ever invented; it seriously makes me worship the human race for its writing abilities. If you were a writing god, you'd be the Zeus, Hades, and Poseidon all combined. I love you, I love you, I love you! Can I get all your personal records? Like your birth certificate?" Well, it actually shouldn't be **_**that**_** flattering. I also accept negative comments, but nothing that insults me as a person, though. Because I'm a pretty awesome person, even if I suck at writing. **

Ezekiel: Welcome to Total Ezekiel Island, eh! Previously, along with me pals Heather, Duncan, and Eva, I knocked Chris and Chef unconscious and enslaved the campers, forcing them to play a new version of Total Drama! The challenges will be brutaler, the food even more disgusting… speaking of which, mad props to Duncan for having so much experience with prison food, eh. Can they survive what me new show has to throw at them? We'll find oot! Right here on Total Ezekiel Island! EH!

**Day 4 Part 2—Chapter 14: Total Ezekiel Island?**

**Screaming Ivy Cell**

Courtney: I can't believe they've turned our cabins into jail cells, and locked us inside! It's completely vulgar! Don't they know how to handle a lady? (She turns to Gwen and her eyes narrow.) This is your entire fault, you know! If it weren't for _you _and your stupid plan to go to Chris, we might not have ended up like this!

Gwen: They would've captured us either way! Now we just need to sit back and think of an escape plan.

Justin: Yes, quick, please! Being boarded up with all these body odors is making my skin shrivel up! (He takes out some lotion and starts rubbing it all over himself.)

Trent: Okay, if you're so smart, _you _come up with an escape plan!

Courtney: Yeah, Ms. "Leader"!

Gwen: Why is it always just me? Why can't you two help, for once? All you do is criticize everything I do!

Trent: Hey, it's my talent. (Gwen glares at him.)

Izzy: Guys, don't worry! I can totally bust us out of here! All I need is twelve sticks of dynamite and some chewing gum.

Cody: I've got some chewing gum. (He takes a saliva coated wad of gum out of his pants.)

Beth: Uh… why was that in your _pants_?

Cody (winking at her): Safe keeping. (He hands it to Izzy.)

Izzy: Nice! (She pops it in her mouth, much to the disgust of the rest of her teammates.) Mmm… minty fresh. Now, I just need the dynamite.

Courtney: Yeah right, like we'd actually let you get your hands on explosives.

Alejandro: How about an explosively handsome man like myself? (He wiggles his eyebrows up and down seductively.)

Courtney: Are you having facial spasms? You should really get that checked. (Alejandro sighs and slaps his hand to his forehead. Suddenly, the door opens.)

Justin: Yes! Escape! (He hurtles out the open door. A few seconds later, he flies back in. Duncan follows close behind, wiping his hands off. He takes out a bowl of soup and a ladle.)

Duncan: Everybody form a line. Lunchtime. (He stirs the soup, and a noxious scent floats up into the air from it.)

Courtney: You disgusting bastard! You expect us to eat that?

Duncan: It's the only food you'll be getting.

Cody: Hey, it can't hurt to try. (He grabs the ladle and stuffs it in his mouth. Immediately, he throws up right back into the bowl.)

Duncan: Nice! A new ingredient! (He stirs it up even more.)

Gwen: Why are you doing this? Invading the island? (Duncan glances at her and swallows nervously.)

Duncan: For er… fame. For glory. For the great pride of having done something with my life!

Courtney: In other words, he has no idea why he's doing this. (Duncan takes a sip from the soup.)

Duncan: Hm. Needs more zest. (He starts clipping his toenails, and then empties them into the pot.) Don't you guys ever get sick of this game?

Justin: Well, duh. Who doesn't?

Duncan: Well that's why we're doing this! To stop the reign of terror that is Chris Mclean! To end Total Drama!

Trent: But now you guys are just running the game! How is it any different?

Duncan: Oh, it is. In many ways. For one, we care about the well-being of our campers. (As he says this, he empties chunks of lead into the soup.)

Beth: Isn't lead poisonous to humans?

Duncan: Oh, maybe, I dunno. But can't you tell? We completely care about your well-being! Now who wants to try the soup again? (The campers reluctantly grab a bowl and Duncan ladles a serving into each of them. Gwen is the last person in line.)

Duncan (to Gwen): How are you, my gorgeous? (In response, Gwen grabs the bowl of soup and smashes it into his face. She walks away, wiping her hands off. Even Courtney can't help but grin at this.)

Lindsay: Aw, why does he get a facial?

Duncan: Is that how it is, Gwen? Huh?

Gwen: We're through.

Duncan: _We're_ _through?_ Because I just want a second chance at the game?

Gwen: You don't take down Chris and Chef, and then lock us in our cabins! Maybe that's the kind of stuff you learned in prison, but I don't want any part of it.

Duncan: But—

Gwen: No, Duncan. It's over.

Cody: Hooray! (He runs over to Duncan and starts shaking his hand fiercely.) Pleasure doin' business with ya! (He then shoves the punk away, and wraps his arm around Gwen.)

**Confession Cam**

**Cody: This seriously calls for a celebration! (He takes out a party hat and puts it on.) I was saving this for our marriage, but now's as good a time as any. Cheers! **

**Gwen: Yeah, I broke up with Duncan. So what? He can't just break into camp and treat me like dirt, then expect me to just fall right back into his arms! Only problem now is, Cody's gonna get the wrong idea. (Suddenly, Cody sticks his head out of the toilet.)**

**Cody: Hi, Gwen!**

**Gwen: Gah! What are you doing in there? **

**Cody: I dunno, I just knew you'd be coming in next. Please, don't mind me. Continue with your confessing. (Gwen glares at him, and then flushes the toilet. Cody gets sucked back in, screaming all the way. Gwen turns back to the camera.)**

**Gwen: Like I said, he's gonna get the wrong idea. **

**End of Confessionals**

(Noah is rolling through the forest, completely lost.)

Noah: I've been lost for hours, and nobody has even noticed I'm gone! Am I really that boring? (He looks at the cameraman.)

Noah: Why the heck are you just filming me? Mind giving me directions?

Camera Cam: 99 bottles of beer on the wall… 99 bottles of beer…

Noah: Never mind.

**Confession Cam **

**Noah: Of course Chris wouldn't have enough money to get actually decent cameramen. Instead, he just gets ones who are drunk out of their minds. **

**End of Confessionals **

Noah: Lost, hungry, tired…

?: Psst! Noah!

Noah: Gah! Who's there!

?: Come down in the ditch to the right of you!

Noah: Why?

?: Just come on down!

Noah: Why?

?: Just do it!

Noah: I would like a reason, thank you very much.

?: Fine. This is Chris, OK? I'm hiding with Chef. Now can you come down?

Noah: Do I win invincibility if I do?

Chris: Fine! Whatever! Just c'mere! (Noah sighs and rolls his wheelchair down into the ditch. There, sitting in the center, are Chris and Chef, covered in dirt and leaves.)

Chef: Listen, scrawny, the camp's been taken over by Homeschool, The Bitch, Mohawk Boy, and Muscles.

Noah: Can't you just take time to remember our names?

Chef: No! Now SHUT UP! We need to take the camp back for ourselves!

Chris: Yeah! Only _I_ have the right to torture the campers! Man, I really wanted to do that challenge… (His shoulders slump, and it looks as if he is fighting back tears.)

Chef: There there… (He pats the host on the back. When this isn't enough, he takes Chris in his arms and starts rocking him back and forth, chanting a lullaby.)

Noah: Can you just tell me what the plan is?

Chef: Shh… the baby's sleeping.

**Killer Redwood Cell (Females)**

Bridgette: Why would sweet, innocent Ezekiel do something like this? Locking us up?

Leshawna: What do you expect from a boy like that? He's a sexist pig! And he's about ten miles off the deep end, if ya know what I mean.

Sadie: The windows are boarded, the doors nailed shut…

Katie: I don't wanna die like this!

Sadie: Neither do I!

Sierra: Girls, calm down. Duncan should be coming with the soup in 5… 4… 3…2…1… (The door slams open, and Duncan walks in, with a huge bowl of soup.)

Bridgette (whispering to Sierra): How did you know that?

Sierra: I know the exact coordinates of every single contestant at any given moment. It's a gift of mine.

Duncan: That's disturbing. Grab a tray, get your food. (He sighs and sits down on Bridgette's bed.)

Bridgette: Why are you sitting your dirty backside down on my bed?

Duncan: I'm just a little depressed right now, okay?

Bridgette: Ha! Why would _you_ be depressed? You're not the one who's been locked up for the past three hours!

Duncan: Gwen broke up with me, okay?

Leshawna (sarcastically): I can't imagine why. (Sierra sees Duncan and squeals.)

Sierra: Duncan! Can you sign my chest?

Duncan (a perverted gleam in his eyes): Don't mind if I do. (Sierra runs over excitedly, but is halted by Leshawna.)

Leshawna: Don't get near him, sister. He'll probably give you HIV just by touching him. He's a traitor, to boot.

Duncan: I just wanted some respect! That's the only reason I stayed! I didn't want to go out the way I did.

Leshawna: Listen, you're never gonna get my girl Gwen to fall for you, again, Duncan. You're a slimeball, and she knows it.

Duncan: Yeah, I know. I'm _sooo_ horrible.

Sadie: So what's the next challenge?

Duncan: How should I know? I was never included in any of the plans. (He starts to pout.) But I gotta tell ya, I caught a glimpse of Ezekiel's plans. It's not pretty.

Leshawna: I will take that fool's plans and shove em up his ass! Then I'll take that stupid toque of his and stuff it down his throat!

Duncan: I wouldn't say that if I were you. He has cameras running. He can hear everything you say.

Leshawna: Good! Then I'll also let him know what else I plan to do to him! (And with that, she picks up Duncan, who struggles in her iron grasp. She points to the punk.) This is you, Ezekiel. (She carries Duncan over to the pot.)

Duncan: Wait, what are you doing—(He is cut off when Leshawna stuffs his head in. Duncan flails about as his face is engulfed in his disgusting soup. With the pot still stuck to his face, Duncan is hurled out of the cabin by Leshawna, boring a hole straight through the door to the cabin.)

Leshawna (dusting her shirt off): And that's how _I_ role!

Sierra: You shouldn't have done that. (She is hyperventilating.) I had every Total Drama signature, _except_ Duncan's! Now I will never get it! NEVER!

Katie: Calm down, Sierra. It's just a signature.

Sierra: _Just a signature? _I'm not a scholar unless I have remembered _every_ Total Drama signature! Trent does a big T, flavored by random counter-clockwise squiggles. You, Leshawna, write out your full name, Leshawna Lefonda Jones, especially emphasizing the A's, O's, and N's. DJ scribbles his name eight times, interweaving the D's and the J's in a chainmail-esque criss-crossing pattern. Gwen smudges her name as she pens it, giving it the shape of a black storm cloud. Cody dots his I's with hearts, even though he doesn't have any in his name. Owen just draws a big banana, because of his eternal hunger. Tyler scribbles out an incomprehensible scrawl because he barely even knows how to write—

Leshawna: OK! We get it! Now please shut your mouth!

**Confession Cam**

**Leshawna: Sierra's the next to go. Her knowledge of everybody is not only creepy, it's utterly disturbing! But I'm sure the Leshawna can form an alliance, and get rid of that stalker for good. **

**Sierra: If I know one thing, it's that Leshawna is **_**the**_** most overrated character in the game. I mean, seriously? Her likability index isn't exactly positive, she hasn't held down an alliance for more than 2 ½ episodes, and her personal hygiene… well let's just say it's not exactly exemplary. **

**End of Confessionals **

(Duncan wakes up, and wobbles around for a bit. Then he grabs onto the pot, and rips it off his face.)

Duncan (his face coated in brown sludge): Uggh… what happened? (Suddenly, a voice crackles to life in the Bluetooth strapped to his ear.)

Ezekiel: Duncan! Have you finished feeding the campers their inedible slop?

Duncan: I'm almost done. But that Leshawna… I want her to pay.

Ezekiel: Why? I kinda like her "bootalous" body. Is that what you say?

Duncan: Enough with the trying to decipher modern hip teen terms! You will never, ever figure out how to speak like us!

Ezekiel: That's not true! I aint stoppin till I'm in the "out" crew!

Duncan: In crew.

Ezekiel: In crew! Now go finish your rounds, and then we can start the challenge.

Duncan: Can do.

Ezekiel: Can do, _sir_.

Duncan: The day I call you sir is the day I stab myself.

Ezekiel: Oh, don't do that! According to polls, 5 % of teens who commit suicide commit it before the age of—(Duncan shuts off the Bluetooth angrily. But then he looks through the window of the Killer Redwoods Male Side of the Cabin, sees Harold playing Nintendo DS, and starts to grin.)

**Confession Cam **

**Duncan: Whenever I'm feeling down, pulling a good prank on Harold always cheers me up.**

**End of Confessionals **

**Killer Redwoods Cell (Males)**

DJ: What do you think they're gonna do to us?

Tyler: I dunno, but if they don't bring food fast, I don't think Owen's gonna make it. (The giant ball of fat is now having to resort to stuffing handfuls of cough drops in his mouth and chugging bottles of cough syrup. Suddenly, the door slams open, and in walks Duncan.)

Duncan: Don't worry guys, the food is served! Bon appétit! (And with that, he dumps the soup on Harold's lap, coating his Nintendo DS in it.)

Harold: No! Not Georgina! Not my dear Nintendo!

Owen: Food! (He runs over and starts lapping up the soup off of Harold's lap.)

Geoff: That isn't cereal!

Duncan: You're right, Geoff, it's not cereal. Great observation. (Geoff's lower lip starts to tremble.)

Geoff: You don't know what it's like, being deprived of cereal for so long… WHY? WHY? (Meanwhile, Harold is inspecting the circuitry of his Nintendo DS.)

Harold: Great, just great… The main chip is completely corroded from the chemical imbalance of the soup. (He turns to Duncan.) What's your problem, man? Have you no respect for others?

Tyler: Yeah! You're a douche with a capital… uh… C!

Duncan: I've already had two pots of soup stuffed into my face. You shouldn't be complaining.

Owen: I'm not! This soup is great! (He continues to lick Harold's lap.)

Harold: Uh… Owen? You're making me feel a little uncomfortable, here.

Owen: Why? Don't you like soup, too? (Meanwhile, DJ is twitching nervously.)

DJ: Duncan, do you when the challenge is?

Duncan: It should be in a few minutes.

Tyler: I can't wait to compete! This Tyler's rarin' to go! (He jumps up, and punches the wall of the cabin. A sickening thud is heard, and Tyler raises his hand, revealing his fingers to be sticking in every which way. He then bursts into tears.)

Duncan: I've had enough of you wimps. I'm leaving. (He walks out of the cabin and slams the door.)

Tyler: Somebody get me a Band-Aid! I need a Band-Aid! (Suddenly, a voice crackles over the intercom.)

Heather: This is your lady Heather speaking. Please, all of you imbeciles, gather at the campfire pit in ten minutes, unless that's too complicated to travel to your thick skulls. (The intercom shuts off. With this announcement, Tyler hops up and starts jumping up and down.)

Tyler: No injuries are gonna hold this Tyler back! Get ready! (He springs at the doorway, and slams into the closed door.) Oh. I should probably open it. (He opens the door, and jumps out again. However, this time he slams into the railing, which makes him spill over it onto the ground in front of the cabin, landing on his head with an earth-shaking thud.)

**Confession Cam**

**Tyler: Sometimes, I feel like I'm only here for the slapstick. But no. That can't be right! They picked me because I'm the ultimate athlete! (He unleashes a kick at the toilet, but his foot rebounds off of it and slams into his face.) **

**Harold: I will get my revenge on that Duncan. Just you wait. You think you're so funny. Let's see how you like it when someone messes with your love life. (He takes out a barrel, unscrews it. He takes the lid off, and finds it empty.) Darn it! My plan doesn't work this time! I wonder why? **

**End of Confessionals**

(The campers have all gathered at the campfire pit. Ezekiel stands in front of them, upon a stage. Behind him stand Heather, Duncan, and Eva.)

Ezekiel: Welcome to Total Ezekiel Island! This is Camp Wawanakwa, your home for the next eight weeks. The campers sitting around you will be your cabin mates, your competition, and maybe even your friends. Ya dig? The camper who manages to—

Sierra: Shut up! You're completely ripping off of Chris's speech! Only those words can be uttered from his mouth!

Ezekiel: Whatever. You guys know the rules! Just remember. The winner will receive a glorious prize of $100,000!

Heather: Why should we give it to them? Why don't we just keep the money for ourselves, and spend it however we want?

Ezekiel: Great idea!

Leshawna: Then what will we get for winnn' this stupid competition?

Ezekiel: The pride and integrity of winning and having proven yourself to the world, eh!

Gwen: I'd rather _lose_ than win _that_.

Heather: And I'm sure we would all love to see you go. It's only unfortunate that I can't rig the votes.

Duncan: Actually, you can. The voting box is right over there. (He points to his left.) You can rig the votes any time you like.

Heather (a malicious glint in her eyes): This game just got a whole lot more fun to host.

Alejandro: But you would not rig the votes, _mi novia_.

Lindsay: What's a novia?

Alejandro: _Novia_. You must always remember the italics. And it is Spanish for "girlfriend". (Everybody gasps at this. Heather freezes up.)

Heather: We're… we're not… he's not… he's not my boyfriend!

Alejandro: But… what about the kiss?

Heather: What kiss? There was no kiss! Now shut up before I choose you as the next one to go! (Alejandro nods quietly, and steps back.)

**Confession Cam**

**Alejandro: I am taken aback that Heather does not want to profess our love to the world! All the girls want me and my beautiful diaphragm. (He expands his diaphragm so much that it breaks through his shirt) What girl would not want to brag about owning a man with this body? **

**End of Confessionals**

Leshawna: Okay, so I think we all understand how f**ked up this game is. Can we please get on with the show?

Ezekiel: Fine, my bootalicious beauty. Is that how you say it, eh? I think it is! Booyah, eh!

Leshawna: Don't you be callin' me bootalicious! Now give us some legitimate reasons about why the heck you're here!

Ezekiel: I am here for redemption. For power. For courage. And you will play by my rules, or pay the price, eh! Now, who's ready to start the reward challenge?

Gwen: I'll pass.

Trent: I don't feel like it.

Lindsay: Do we have to?

Katie: I'm tired. I don't want to do this!

Sadie: Me too!

Cody: Uh, I have bad constipation. Can barely move.

Geoff: Cereal this morning… gave me stomach problems.

Beth: It's the retainer. I can't play.

Justin: It says right here on page 27 that I do not have to perform in any life-threatening tasks issued by nose-picking, vitamin-lacking Canandians wearing stupid toques.

Ezekiel: I'm pretty sure you just wrote that in, eh.

Justin: Whatever! Now I have to go moisturize my face.

Leshawna: Fool, if you think we'd ever play your game, you've got a whole nother thing comin'!

Tyler: I wanna play! I'm totally pumped!

Ezekiel: Finally, some enthusiasm. And for the rest of you… why don't you explain that to Eva? (He points to feral Eva, rattling the bars of the cage she is sitting in.)

DJ: This is blackmail!

Ezekiel: You're right. It is. You know your stuff, eh.

Duncan: C'mon, you losers, how different is it from playing Chris's game?

Courtney: That _is _true…

Ezekiel: That's the spirit! Now who wants to win a reward? (He holds up a sock.)

Katie: How is _that _a reward?

Ezekiel: Hey, this is a legitimate sock, eh! Who wouldn't want it?

Bridgette: We want a _real_ prize.

Ezekiel: Fine, fine, you asked. (He holds up a pair of underwear.)

Gwen: That's not a prize, either!

Ezekiel: Then what _is_ a prize to you ladies?

Duncan: I've got it! If your team wins the reward challenge, you _don't _get fed through grinders!

Gwen: This is messed up. If you "hosts" can't come up with something, I'm leaving.

Heather: Here's an idea: if your team wins, you get to all beat up Gwen! That's fun!

Leshawna: OK, that's it! (She lunges at Heather, but slams into something invisible. She hits the ground, moaning.)

Heather: Ha! Like we'd actually just talk to you out in the open without an invisible glass wall separating us!

Leshawna: Why, you! I'll break that glass if it means getting to strangle your scrawny neck!

Ezekiel: Everybody, settle down. I have an idea, eh. The reward for this challenge will be... you all get to be locked in a room with Heather, and get to do whatever you want to her.

Heather: WHAT?

Leshawna: Ha! Sounds good!

Gwen: This challenge actually just got fun.

Bridgette: When do we start?

Ezekiel (turning to Heather and grinning slyly): Well, that just sparked some enthusiasm. (Heather just stomps away, pouting.)

Geoff: So what will the challenge be, dude?

Ezekiel: It's actually rather simple, eh. You all start holding just one metal sheet up. Every five minutes, we add another one on. The person who can survive the longest without dropping their stack of sheets wins!

Leshawna: Simple. I like it. Well, let's get this show on the road!

Trent: Wait, I have a question. Can we kick other people to make them drop their sheets?

Ezekiel: You really are sadistic. And the answer is… of course, eh!

Trent: Nice.

Tyler: Heh. This doesn't sound too hard!

Ezekiel: Oh, you'll see soon enough how hard it is…

**Confession Cam **

**Tyler: I was seriously stoked! Finally, a challenge to prove my strength! **

**Ezekiel: In the beating sun… the hot air… well let's just say those metal sheets start to "cook". That is where it gets sadistic. **

**End of Confessionals**

Ezekiel: Campers ready! Get ready for the first sheet! (The campers are standing in the middle of a blacktop, the sun beating down on them.) Countdown from 3! 3… 2…

Lindsay: OK! I can't take it anymore! (She falls to the ground.) Wow! Lifting is really hard! My arms feel like wet noodles!

Ezekiel: I haven't even dropped the first weight, yet, eh. You weren't lifting anything!

Lindsay: I was lifting air! And it was _really heavy _air!

Ezekiel: Whatever, eh. You're out. Now we'll _actually _start the competition. 3…2…1… go! (A sheet of metal is placed on each of the campers' hands.)

Owen: Ha! I can take this, no sweat! (Right after he says this, he starts to sweat!) Dang, it's hot out here!

Geoff: Heh. It's not too bad. (He looks down, and sees his bare feet are starting to smoke.) HOT! (And with that, he runs to the bathroom.)

**Confession Cam**

**Geoff (dipping his feet in the toilet): Ah. That's better. (He looks down at the toilet water and screams.) Dang! Someone forgot to flush the toilet!**

**End of Confessionals**

Leshawna: What are you doing, Harold? You can't win a challenge like that! (Harold, whose hands are too preoccupied playing Nintendo DS, is balancing the metal sheet on his head.)

Harold: Actually, I am like a stork. I can balance anything upon my skull.

Leshawna: No you can't!

Harold: Yes I can. It is mostly due to my relatively flat head. It can balance most objects.

Leshawna: Whatever. Excuse me for a moment, sugar baby. (She kicks her foot backwards, right into the crotch of Trent, who is trying to sneak up on her. He keels over, and the metal sheet slams into his head, knocking him out.)

Leshawna: Thought you could sneak up on me? Well, how about that, fool!

Ezekiel: End of Roond 1! So Geoff, Trent, and Lindsay are out! Here comes the second sheet, eh! (The second sheet of metal drops down. With this new extra weight, Cody's legs start to wobble.)

Gwen: Not so tough now, are you, Cody?

Cody: Heh, babe, I can go like this all day!

Gwen: Yeah, it seems like you've been working out. Can you flex your muscles for me?

Cody: Oh, yeah, babe! Anything you say! (He proudly flexes his muscles. However, he lets go of the sheets when he does this, and they fall down on him, squishing him like a bug.)

Gwen: Hm. Not so tough now, are you?

Tyler: I'm still tough! (He lunges at her, and misses completely, slamming into the ground and hurling his metal sheets in two different directions. The first one slams into Sierra, and the second one slams into DJ, making both of them fall over.)

Bridgette: Tyler! Why'd you do that? You just knocked out two players on _our_ team!

Tyler: Oops.

Ezekiel: End of Roond 2! Now, on to Roond 3! There are only twelve people left, eh! (The third metal sheet drops down. Ezekiel stares at the remaining campers expectantly, but not a single one drops their sheets.)

Ezekiel: Hm. I think we might have to crank the sun up a nootch. (He presses a button on his remote control, and the sun starts to glare even harder.)

Owen: Hot! (He sweats even more, and a huge puddle of perspiration forms underneath him.)

Courtney: How are you even able to do that?

Ezekiel: Magic, eh. Let's see what sort of hilarity ensues now!

Beth: The metal plates! They're starting to get hot!

Ezekiel: Oh, yes. Oh, yes. MUAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Harold: The sun does not affect me. (He continues to play Nintendo DS, when suddenly, it shuts off.) Wait… what happened? (He reaches into the game slot and takes out the game chip. It is completely melted and disfigured.) Oh no! It warped! And this is my best PacMan game, too! (He pushes the metal plates off his head, and runs away, crying.)

Courtney: Well, I'm not giving up. A little sun doesn't stop me! (She reaches into her pockets for a second, resting the plates on one hand, and takes out oven mitts. She puts them on, and continues to hold up the sheets, now with hand protection.)

Leshawna: Why you little… Ezekidork, or what ever your name is, are you gonna allow this?

Ezekiel: What? (He is too busy picking his nose)

Leshawna: Whatever. I'll just have to take care of this myself! (She takes an aggressive step towards Courtney.)

Courtney: Back off, ghetto girl. You stand no match against me.

Leshawna: You think I don't? Get ready for a boatload of hell, sister. (They slowly inch towards each other. Meanwhile, Owen's sweat puddle is slowly moving across the blacktop. Justin takes a step back, and slips on the stuff, landing on his back with a crash.)

Justin: Ow! My back!

Owen: No! Not Justin! WHY? (The puddle moves forward, and Alejandro slips on it as well.)

Alejandro: I am down! I am down!

Owen: NO! Why must the two hottest guys on the island have thanks to me? WHY? (He realizes everybody is staring at him.)

Owen: Uh… because, I mean, it's uh… hot out! It's really hot out! Heh heh.

**Confession Cam**

**Owen (slapping his forehead): Stupid! **

**End of Confessionals**

Ezekiel: We are now twenty rounds in to the competition. The remaining nine players, Katie, Sadie, Owen, Bridgette, Gwen, Courtney, Leshawna, Beth, and Izzy, are still in!

Owen: Dude, I'm the only boy left? Awesome!

Izzy: And I'm the only non-gender left? Awesome! Did you know I can lift a thousand pounds? Watch! (She starts to walk towards Leshawna. The ghetto girl sees her, though.)

Leshawna: Are you sayin' I weigh a thousand pounds?

Izzy: Oh, I don't know. Probably. Something like that.

Leshawna: You die! (She draws her attention away from Courtney for a second, and runs toward Izzy, instead.)

Izzy: Whoa! Feisty Magee! Awesome! (She jumps into the air, still holding up her stack, and lands on the top Leshawna's metal plate stack, striking a pose. The extra weight makes Leshawna's legs start to shake.)

Izzy: Wow! Look at the view from up here!

Leshawna: Get off! I'm about to get flattened because of you!

Izzy: Aw, but it's so fun up here!

Leshawna: THAT'S IT! (Using all her strength, she hurls Izzy up into the air, making the crazy girl crash to the ground.) And that's how I roll!

Ezekiel: Eight competitors left! Time for the next sheet! (The next sheet falls. Now each camper is carrying twenty-one sheets of metal. However, no one drops any.)

Duncan: How are these girls so strong?

Ezekiel: I don't know. They're just girls, eh! They shouldn't be able to do this! (Suddenly, all the females turn to him.)

Gwen: What did you just say?

Ezekiel: Uh… something about… uh… fish paste.

Katie: I thought you weren't sexist anymore!

Owen: Yeah! How dare you insult us women!

Beth: Uh… Owen?

Owen: Yeah?

Beth: You're not a woman.

Owen: Oh yeah! I must have just been getting into _character_.

Ezekiel: What's so wrong with what I said?

Duncan: Yeah. I mean, in general, it _is_ true.

Gwen: Duncan!

Duncan: Hey. I'm just tellin' it how it is.

Ezekiel: Just go back to the competition, you girls.

Leshawna: Fine. We'll go back, but we want a different prize.

Ezekiel: And what's that?

Leshawna: If we win, we get to be locked in a room with _you_, and get to do whatever we want to _you_.

Courtney: Now _that's _a prize I want to win.

Ezekiel: No way, eh! I'm the host!

Gwen: Hey, we're just girls. You could take us.

Ezekiel: Eh, you're probably right. I been working oot.

Bridgette: So when's the next sheet coming on? I'm ready to take this up a notch!

Ezekiel: Just one notch? How about ten notches? (He presses a button on his remote control, and ten more sheets fall onto each competitors' stack.)

Sadie: Katie! I don't think I can do this anymore!

Katie: Me neither! Ready to give up?

Sadie: Yeah! (They throw their sheets high up into the air, and they land on Ezekiel, crushing him beneath them.)

**Confession Cam**

**Ezekiel: How does Chris make it through a full season without getting fatally injured? **

**(Katie and Sadie are sitting in the Confessional together.)**

**Katie: OMG, it was so satisfying to finally give Ezekiel what he deserves! **

**Sadie: Yeah! **

**Katie: But now I feel kind of bad, you know?**

**Sadie: Yeah! **

**Katie: I mean, it wasn't exactly that nice. **

**Sadie: Yeah! **

**Katie: Uh, Sadie, are you gonna actually confess, or just keep on agreeing with what I say?**

**Sadie: Yeah! **

**End of Confessionals**

Duncan: Bridgette, Katie, Sadie, Beth, and Gwen have all been eliminated. And they all just _had _to crush Ezekiel with their stacks, so now _I'm _stuck announcing this stupid challenge. Owen, Leshawna, and Courtney are still in the game. Where's Heather? I can't do this announcing sort of thing!

Courtney: You've got that right. You're possibly the _least _articulate person I know! _I _should be the announcer!

Owen: So hungry… I need food! (He looks up at the metal sheets.) Why hello there. Delicious layers of pastrami. (Before anyone can stop him, he stuffs the entire stack in his mouth.)

Duncan: Owen's out! He will not be winning the prize! But you do win some prunes, if you want them. Because that metal is not gonna be easy going through your system.

Owen: Nah, I'm good. (He suddenly clenches up, and keels over.) Now… not so good. (He runs to the bathroom.)

**Confession Cam**

**Leshawna: Owen is seriously gross. After Sierra, he's definitely the one on the chopping block. The boy eats everything! There's something that definitely aint humane about that.**

**Owen: Yeah, metal's not the toughest thing I've eaten. One time, I ate my dad. He was able to climb back out, but he was pretty darn tasty! Like pickle relish. **

**End of Confessionals **

Leshawna: So it looks like it's just you and me, Courtney.

Courtney: I was a CIT. I have training for this.

Leshawna: Well, do you have training for this? (She launches herself at Courtney, but the preppy girl just swerves out of the way.)

Courtney: Actually, I do.

Ezekiel (covered in bandages): This is the final showdown. Fate rests on these twos' shoulders. It is a power struggle between two adamant forces. They must rely on wit, strength, courage…

Leshawna: Enough with the dramatic narration, you fool!

Ezekiel: Aw, but it's fun, eh!

Courtney: Well, we're trying to fight here! (When Tyler hears this, he glares.)

Tyler (to himself): I should be the one out there fighting. Impressing Lindsay.

DJ: Tyler? Don't do what I think you're gonna do. (But it's too late. Tyler jumps out in between the two girls, just as they are about to strike. They both slam into him, and fall over, throwing their sheets up into the air. Tyler catches all of them, holding up the stack proudly.)

Ezekiel: And Tyler is the last man standin', eh! He wins!

Courtney: WHAT? No fair!

Duncan: And that means… he wins the prize! You can be locked in a room with Heather or Ezekiel over here, and do whatever you want to them.

Sierra: Really sock it to them, Tyler.

Tyler: Naw, I'll pass. Can I just have an egg-salad sandwich?

Bridgette: _An egg-salad sandwich_?

Tyler: What? I love egg-salad sandwiches.

Ezekiel: Uh, sure, eh. Whatever. (He pulls an egg-salad sandwich out of his pocket and gives it to Tyler.)

Gwen: And you just happen to carry egg-salad sandwiches in your pockets wherever you go?

Ezekiel: You can never be too prepared, eh. (Tyler squeals with delight, and hungrily bites into the sandwich.)

Leshawna (to Tyler): You fool! You should've gone and beaten one of them up! (Heather walks over)

Heather: Aw, too bad, Leshawna. I guess you won't be getting your revenge after all.

Leshawna: Oh, you'll _see_ my revenge! Comin' right at ya! (She lunges at Heather, and this time, she makes contact. As Leshawna beats her up, Heather is able to turn to Ezekiel and scowl.)

Heather: Why didn't you set up another glass wall?

Ezekiel: Hey, every man loves a good cat fight. (He rubs his hands together.) Now, as they fight, who wants to hear about the immunity challenge?

Bridgette: There's still an _immunity_ challenge? After all we did?

Ezekiel: Yeah, but this one's a simple one. It's somethin' I like to call… The Awake-a-thon!

Justin: Yeah, that's _real_ original.

Gwen: After we have to lift two hundred pounds of metal, we have to try and stay awake?

Ezekiel: Yeah. Why not?

Alejandro: We are tired, hungry, and downtrodden! We cannot compete anymore.

Ezekiel: I don't have time fer quitters, eh! You are gonna compete, and you are gonna like it! Or, unless you want to explain your problems to Eva. She is quite the therapist. (He throws a teddy bear into Eva's cage, and she tears it apart in thirty seconds flat.)

Alejandro: Actually, I think I feel up to a challenge.

Ezekiel: Good! Everyone, you know what to do. Just try and stay awake. Last man standing wins invincibility for his team! (Leshawna finally gets up from mauling Heather and smirks widely.)

Leshawna: And _that's _why you don't mess with Leshawna! (Heather, her hair completely messed up and her body covered in scratches, just smirks even wider at Leshawna.)

Heather: We'll see about that. I'll get my revenge soon enough.

**Confession Cam**

**Heather: Leshawna thinks she has this game in the bag. But she's so arrogant she doesn't even realize what power I have over the game. (She pulls out a jug of coffee, takes some sleep syrup, and pours it in.) This stuff will make her whole team fall asleep! Now I just need someone who can trick the other team into drinking the stuff.**

**End of Confessionals**

(The campers are all sitting on stools in the campfire pit, doing different things. Cody is staring at Gwen, as usual, Sierra is posting random drabbles on her blog, Geoff is trying to make a bowl of cereal with just gravel and water, Lindsay and Beth are talking fashion, Tyler is doing sit-ups right next to them, DJ is stroking a random bunny he found but is actually crushing it with his colossal hands, Katie and Sadie are twiddling their thumbs in perfect sync, Trent is glancing at everyone suspiciously, Courtney is jogging in place, Bridgette is polishing her surfboard, Owen is panting and leaning against a tree, Izzy is trying to collect hair samples from everybody, Harold is softly moaning and rocking his Nintendo DS back and forth, Leshawna is still grinning proudly about beating up Heather, and Alejandro and Justin are sitting on two separate logs.)

Alejandro: Justin, amigo, I am slipping fast.

Justin: No! Don't go! I need someone to help me apply my eye paint!

Alejandro: You really think that trick will work this year?

Justin: I don't see why not. It's finally time I win a challenge for my team, Al! (He quickly applies his makeup, and stands up with his eyes closed, grinning proudly.)

Alejandro: You know, you really look like a fool—

?: Psst! Alejandro!

Alejandro: Who's there?

Heather: It's me, Heather! Come into the bushes! (Alejandro nods, and crawls in.)

Alejandro: I have missed you, _muchacha guapa_.

Heather: Enough with the sappy talk, buster. (She takes out the jug of coffee.) This'll help you win the challenge. I need you to win it, so Leshawna's team can lose! All you have to do is offer it to everyone on the other team. It will make them fall asleep.

Leshawna: Oh really? (A hand suddenly reaches into the bushes, grabs Alejandro by the collar, and pulls him up, while he is still holding the jug of coffee.)

Alejandro: Hey! Leshawna! Your beauty truly makes my day. Would you like some coffee?

Leshawna: Cut the crap! I heard what you said! Heather's trying to be a bitch and cheat! (Heather climbs out of the bushes and smirks.)

Heather: And what are you gonna do about it?

Leshawna: I'll show you what I'm gonna do about it! (She lunges at Heather again, but this time, the queen bee is prepared. She jumps up above Leshawna's head, then tackles the black girl to the ground.)

Heather: Quick! While I've got her pinned down! (Alejandro runs over, and tips some coffee into the struggling Leshawna's mouth. Leshawna's eyes slowly glaze over, and a few seconds later, she relaxes, asleep. Heather turns to Alejandro.)

Heather: Now you have to give each of them just a sip of the coffee. There must be enough for everyone. So, you know… stay away from Owen.

Alejandro: Got it. (He puckers up his lips at her. In response, Heather grabs them and yanks them a full 360 degrees. Alejandro cries out in pain, and his lips flop lazily past his chin like two wet noodles.)

Heather: If you can accomplish this, you might get a kiss. _Might_. (Alejandro nods, and walks over to the center of the campfire pit. There, Justin is standing with his eyes painted shut, fast asleep, as Izzy draws on his face.)

Izzy (as she draws a large, bushy moustache on him): Thanks for letting me be your makeup artist, Justin! Do you like your moustache? I drew it in permanent marker! (With this, Justin's eyes shoot open, and he screams.)

Justin: You drew a moustache on me in _permanent marker_?

Izzy: Whoa! You have four eyes now! That's weird! (She starts poking his eyelids in wonder. Justin whips out his hand mirror and screams.)

Justin: You did! And I look like a complete doofus!

Izzy: A moustache is sign of courage. You should be proud to be bearing one.

Justin: I guess it _does_ kind of complement my earlobes…

Izzy: That's the spirit, Justin! (Alejandro walks by, something bulging in his pants.)

Justin: What's he doing? And what's he got in his pants?

Izzy: I don't know. But Detective Izzy's on the case! (She runs after him.)

**Confession Cam**

**Izzy: Izzy is suspicious of everybody! Like this toilet! (She kicks out at it, and flushes the toilet with her foot.) Nothing suspicious about this toilet handle… **

**End of Confessionals**

_**Meanwhile… **_

Chris: OK, Noah, here's the plan Chef and I came up with.

Noah: Please, Chris, let me make the plans. I think you need to have an IQ of over 90 to actually be able to do it.

Chris: Oh yeah? (He takes out a map.) Check out the route I made!

Noah: That's just a bunch of scribbles weaving in every direction!

Chris: Why you little! You insult my hard work, after all the hours I spent on it!

Chef: Chris, calm down. I'll explain it to him. First of all, we're gonna need a distraction. That's where you come in, Noah.

Noah: I think my talents could be used elsewhere—

Chef: So we're kind of gonna… push you off a cliff.

Chris: Fun, right?

Noah: No! Why can't we just push one of you off a cliff? I'm an injured man!

Chris: Well, my hair doesn't look that hot when it's wet, and Chef doesn't know how to swim.

Noah: I'll just sink to the bottom, what with this body cast and wheelchair!

Chris: Hey, Cody somehow survived it when Beth pushed him off the dock. (He turns to Chef) How _did _he survive that? (Chef just shrugs.)

Noah: It's absurd! (But Chef and Chris are already wheeling him up the mountain.)

**Confession Cam**

**Noah: And of course, the stupid cameramen are still just filming this, even though two crazy men are about to push a teenager in a wheelchair off an a thousand foot cliff into shark-infested waters! **

**End of Confessionals**

**Back at Camp**

Geoff: Bridge, you still with me?

Bridgette: Yeah, I'm still around. You?

Geoff: I think I'm losin' it. I need some cereal, or something… (Alejandro walks up to them.)

Alejandro: Can I interest either of you in some coffee?

Bridgette (sarcastically): Oh, of course. And just where did you get this coffee?

Alejandro: We are taught how to brew coffee at a very young age in my homeland of Mexico. Please, have some. I'm sure you will like it. (He pours it into two cups.)

Bridgette: OK, what did you spike it with? I know! You put in a love potion, just so I'd be drooling at your feet again!

Alejandro: Then why would I be offering it to Geoff?

Bridgette: I don't know! You're in to blonde people! Just back off! Geoff and I do not accept your coffee. (However, Geoff has already grabbed a cup.)

Geoff: Thanks, man.

Bridgette: Geoff! You can't just accept random coffee from a creep like Alejandro!

Geoff: Why not?

Bridgette: Because he's the enemy!

Alejandro: Trust me, Bridgette. This coffee will help you stay awake.

Owen: Really? (He lumbers toward Alejandro.) Let me have some!

Alejandro: No!

Owen: Why… why not?

Bridgette: Yeah, Alejandro, why not?

Alejandro: Uh, I mean, just not yet. I mean, this coffee _does _have to go around to everybody.

Bridgette: I still think it's spiked. Alejandro, if you're so sure that it isn't, _you _take a sip of it.

Alejandro: Don't mind if I do! (He raises the glass to his lips.)

**Confession Cam**

**Alejandro: I am possibly the biggest idiot ever. **

**Bridgette: And of course, Alejandro loses consciousness the moment he takes a sip. Geoff's just lucky I was able to stop him from drinking the coffee after it fell to the ground. Owen, however, started attacking the coffee like a starving, crazed weasel. Hopefully there's none of it left. **

**Geoff (with the jug of coffee in one hand): This is genuine coffee! (He takes a sip, and falls headfirst into the toilet.)**

**End of Confessionals **

Ezekiel: Small bathroom break for any of you who need it!

Katie: Do you have to go to the bathroom, Sadie?

Sadie: Yeah! I totally do!

Katie: And I just realized! So do I! (The two walk in together.)

Ezekiel: Anybody else?

Harold: I have got my adult diaper on. I'm all set.

Ezekiel: Well, then. I'll see you in ten hours to see who hasn't dropped dead yet. (Trent stares at him as he walks away.)

**Confession Cam**

**Trent: The second Awake-a-thon gave me a lot of time to think. Courtney and I need strategy if we wanna win this thing. Well, if **_**I **_**wanna win this thing. I plan on dumping her soon enough. **

**End of Confessionals**

Trent: We need to talk strategy.

Courtney: Yeah, I kind of already heard your confessional a few seconds ago. You confess, like, ten times louder than everyone else.

Trent: So you heard everything?

Courtney: Just the part about talking strategy. So what's your new plan?

Trent: Well, it's obvious that we have the biggest targets on our backs at the moment.

Courtney: Duh. And your trash-talking the other contestants in the confessional doesn't help. We can all hear you.

Trent: I know. But for now, we have to make it look like we're not in an alliance anymore. You try to join up with the Gwen and Izzy alliance, and I'll join up with the Alejandro and Justin alliance. Whenever there's a vote, we'll technically have the trust of six, instead of two.

Courtney: But if we do that, we might not be able to get rid of Gwen!

Trent: Not exactly. You see, I can convince Alejandro and Justin to vote for her. And if you vote for her, and Izzy is so crazy that she is also persuaded to vote for her… we can say good-bye Gwen. That's already five votes, and the others won't be clever enough to get it together in time.

Courtney: I actually see your strategy in that. But that's only for one vote. People will figure out what we did soon enough.

Trent: Yeah, the only one I'm worried about is Noah… but if we already have those five people, then there are only four people left by the next vote. So even if Noah _is_ able to rally up the other idiots on our team, it won't be enough.

Courtney: It won't be enough, you say? Noah is pretty close with Izzy. He could persuade her.

Trent: Well, Noah's not even here at the moment. In fact, he's probably dead. He hasn't even come back since last night.

Courtney: You're treating that like it's a good thing!

Trent: Hey, one less player I have to deal with.

**Confession Cam**

**Courtney: Trent is sometimes just a little too serious about this game for my liking. Sure, I want to win, but I wouldn't go as far as he does! But I have an advantage over Trent. He thinks I only heard the first part of his confessional. But no, I heard all of it. I know he's planning on getting rid of me when he doesn't need me anymore. Well, with my new knowledge… let's see how that works out for him. **

**Ezekiel: We apologize for the recent boring dialogue exhibited from the campers' mouths. We hope you have not fallen asleep in absolute boredom, and would like to let you know that the comedy is back on the way. We will also make sure never to focus the cameras on Trent and Courtney again. **

**End of Confessionals**

Ezekiel: We are at the twenty-four hour mark, campers! Let's see who's fallen asleep! (The camera pans out to show that Geoff, Bridgette, Leshawna, Owen, Alejandro, Justin, and Beth are all fast asleep.)

Ezekiel: Ah, the Awake-a-thon. Brings back so many memories of the previous one, eh.

Sierra: You weren't even there!

Ezekiel: But I was in my heart, Sierra, I was in my heart. And I also know _the _best tactics for making people fall asleep.

Cody: Please… no more fairy tales… (He is slowly drifting off.)

Ezekiel: No. Not that, eh. Instead, I will tell you a story. A story of how I came to be the gloorious man I be today.

Gwen: Oh, so it _is _a fairy tale.

Ezekiel: Watch that tongue, eh! Now everybody sit back, relax, and listen… Once, on an old farm, there lived a boy. He was handsome, smart, strong… (Everybody bursts out laughing at this.) What's so funny, eh?

Courtney: Please don't tell me this story is about yourself. Because you pretty much named all the things that you aren't.

Ezekiel: You campers are rude! Fine, I'll leave. But enjoy being out in the cold without blankets tonight. (He stomps off.)

**Confession Cam**

**Gwen: Ezekiel is possibly one of the most conceited people I know. I mean, how can he even think he comes anywhere near what society considers socially acceptable?**

**End of Confessionals**

(Cody is sitting awkwardly on a stump, right next to Sierra. She is still on her computer, but glances up at him every so often. Finally, Cody is unable to bear the silence any longer.)

Cody: You know, we haven't talked since you, you know… tried to drown me.

Sierra: It was a mistake. I shouldn't have done that.

Cody: Yeah.

Sierra: But _you _shouldn't have stayed on that team! You should've moved over to our team!

Cody: How can you blame me for that, Sierra? You don't know what personal space is!

Sierra: I do too know what personal space is!

Cody: Then why did you, the moment I started speaking to you, just come up behind me and start massaging my shoulders?

Sierra: Don't you like it?

Cody: No!

Sierra: Why not?

Cody: Because it's creepy!

Sierra: Aw, I know you like it. If you lie down, I can give you the full massage. (She rubs her hands together excitedly and licks her lips. Cody groans and slaps his hand to his forehead.)

**Confession Cam**

**Cody (to himself): You learn nothing, Cody, you learn nothing! **

**Sierra: So Cody and I are pretty much together now. I think he really likes me! **

**End of Confessionals**

Alejandro (slowly opening his eyes): Uggh… where am I? (Slowly coming into view is Izzy, towering above him.)

Izzy: You finally wake up! You've been like, asleep for ten hours. And you were totally just masturbating in your sleep. It was really fun to watch.

Alejandro: And you're a freak. (He stands up and stretches, when suddenly, out of the corner of his eye, he sees the coffee jug. There is a small puddle left in it.)

Alejandro: I can still carry out this mission! There's enough left! (He runs over and he stuffs the coffee jug in his pants. Then he turns around to see Izzy staring him right in the face.)

Izzy: And what is that bulging in your pants? Detective Izzy would like to know.

Alejandro: Nothing.

Izzy: Nothing, you say? Then would you like to explain the disappearance of the one they call "Noah"?

Alejandro: I have no idea where Noah is. (Izzy walks up to him and starts tapping the bulge.)

Izzy: Noah? Are you in there? Calculate some random math equation if you can hear me!

Alejandro: Why would Noah be in my pants? Now go away!

Izzy: No! Izzy has always known you've had your eye on Noah since Day 1! But he's _my _braniac!

Alejandro: Sure, whatever, I don't care. Say, Lindsay is looking a little suspicious over there. You should go talk to her.

Izzy: You're right! Those boobs are way too large to be real! I bet she's a suicide bomber, and she has bombs strapped to her chest! Bomb squad specialist Izzy is on the case! (She runs off.)

**Confession Cam**

**Alejandro: Now that crazy girl was off being crazy, I needed to get the job done quick and fast. No time for explanations. I just forced a drop into everyone.**

**End of Confessionals**

Tyler: One… two… three… (When he sees Alejandro coming towards him, he speeds up.) Two hundred ninety-nine… three hundred! Woo! What a workout! You agree, Al? (Alejandro doesn't say a word. Instead, he just pours a drop of coffee into Tyler's mouth.)

Tyler: Uh… OK. Thanks. Say, I'm feelin' a little, drowsy… (He falls asleep, snoring loudly.)

Alejandro: One down. Next up… (Alejandro looks to Sadie and Katie, who are still wide awake, eagerly talking fashion. He walks over to them.)

Alejandro: Hello, there, ladies. You are looking very pretty today. (When the two girls see him, they immediately start to swoon.)

Sadie: So are you. I mean, you're very handsome.

Katie: Yeah. I love Latinos…

Alejandro: That is very good to know. Would you like some coffee?

Sadie: What'd you make it with?

Alejandro: My heart. (The girls almost have a heart attack at this, and start fighting over the coffee. However, Alejandro yanks it away from them.) No no, you can only have one sip. That's all it takes. (The two girls nod eagerly, and he pours just a drop into each of their mouths.)

Katie: Mmm… the best coffee ever…

Sadie: Making me… kind of tired… (Alejandro has already turned and is walking away. A few seconds later, he hears the satisfying thumps of their bodies hitting the ground behind him.)

Alejandro: Let's see who's left. (He looks to see that DJ, Harold, and Sierra are the only ones left.)

**Confession Cam**

**Alejandro: DJ would be easy. Harold is so oblivious that I can just force it into his mouth. But Sierra… she's tough to deal with.**

**End of Confessionals**

DJ: This coffee… it tastes just like Momma used to make…

Harold: This coffee… it tastes like coffee…

DJ: Farblenoifnidsoafld… (He hits the ground with a thud. However, Harold does not.)

Alejandro: Why haven't you fallen asleep yet?

Harold: Are you serious? I don't sleep. The Nintendo DS keeps me awake.

Alejandro: Oh. In that case… (He dumps coffee all over the Nintendo DS.)

Harold: No! How could you? How… could… you… (He loses consciousness.)

**Confession Cam**

**DJ: So Alejandro tricked me and all the other campers on my team. I should've known. But that coffee… just like Momma used to make… WAAAAHHHHH! **

**Alejandro: What I did today might not help me come merge, but at least it helps my chances with Heather. **

**End of Confessionals **

Alejandro (to Sierra, who is massaging a sleeping Cody's body): Want some coffee?

Sierra: No. I do not drink anything that my dear Cody does not drink. Now go away. We are having private time.

Alejandro: Just have a sip.

Sierra: No! You think you can win my heart, but you're not even famous. You're like, even less famous than me.

Alejandro: I'm famous! I've been on all sorts of toilet paper commercials!

Sierra: Oh, yeah! My husband and I use that one sort of toilet paper you advertised!

Alejandro: Mmm hmm. Plus, I am a witness to your marriage. Unless you want me to say it didn't happen…

Sierra: No! Please! I will do anything to be with my Cody-lumpkins!

Alejandro: Then have just a bit of this coffee, and you'll be with him soon enough. (Sierra eagerly grabs the jug and gulps down the last of the coffee.)

Sierra: That's good coffee! So… good… (She falls asleep.)

Alejandro: And that's the last of that. (Ezekiel walks over and addresses the campers.)

Ezekiel: Somehow, all the campers on the Killer Redwoods have fallen asleep. That means the Screaming Ivies win!

Lindsay: Yay! We won! (She looks down to see Izzy inspecting her chest.) Uh, what are you doing, Fizzy?

Izzy: I know you're a bomber, and I know you're planning an attack! Now if I can just find some way to deactivate them… (Meanwhile, Leshawna wakes up and snarls.)

Leshawna: Where is that Alejandro? I'm about to give him a piece of my mind!

Alejandro: Revenge is not necessary. My team has already won, and there's nothing you can do about it.

Leshawna: He cheated, Ezekiel!

Ezekiel: What's wrong with cheatin' eh? I doon't see anything wrong with it.

Leshawna: Everything's wrong with it! This whole competition is completely messed up!

Ezekiel: Hey, every competition can't be perfect. I'll see you and your team at the campfire ceremony tonight.

**Confession Cam**

**Leshawna: I can't believe that slimy Alejandro got the better of me! And Ezekiel didn't even bring in justice! Oh, I just wanna punch somebody! **

**End of Confessionals **

**Mess Hall**

Bridgette: So, who are we going to vote out tonight?

Leshawna: I think I have an idea. But excuse me for a moment. (She punches DJ across the face.)

DJ (rubbing his cheek): Why'd you do that?

Leshawna: Sorry, I just needed to punch somebody. Now, first of all, I have a plan. We're gonna launch a counter-rebellion.

Geoff: A counter-what?

Leshawna: Geoff, it's better if you just not try to fathom words larger than two syllables, okay? Now, I've been thinkin'... we need to strike back! Take the camp back for Chris and Chef!

Harold: Why would we want to give it back to them? They just make our lives miserable!

Leshawna: Not any more than these people do. We need to get this competition back to the way it used to be. Seriously, with Heather around, I don't feel comfortable at all!

Bridgette: I agree. So what's the plan?

Leshawna: I'm not quite sure yet. But for tonight… we might as well vote someone off.

Tyler: Let's vote off Alejandro!

Leshawna: Yeah, that would work, if he weren't on the other team!

Tyler: Hey, I'm just makin' a suggestion.

Leshawna: No, we need to vote off Sierra. She's dangerous, unstable, and she's just plain creepy!

Geoff: I agree. She's weird.

Owen: I feel like she's gonna kill me in my sleep!

Sierra: I'm right here, you know.

Leshawna (grinning evilly): Well, now you won't have any surprise at tonight's vote.

Sierra: You guys would really vote for me?

Geoff: It's nothing personal, Sierra… well, actually, it kind of is.

Katie and Sadie: Sorry Sierra.

Leshawna: Well, I think it's settled!

Sierra (her eyes narrowing): We'll see about that. (Meanwhile, at the Screaming Ivy table, Izzy is poking Lindsay's boobs suspiciously.)

Izzy: The bombs could go off at any moment, Lindsay. We have to be extremely careful.

Lindsay: I don't wanna die!

Izzy: You won't die. Just remain calm while I try to extract the bombs… (She reaches into Lindsay's shirt. At this, Cody gets a nose bleed.)

Gwen: Perv.

Courtney: I know, right?

Gwen: Why are you talking to me?

Courtney: I know how much you hate Trent.

Gwen: Do you also know how much I hate you?

Courtney: But surely, you don't hate me as much as you hate Trent.

Gwen: Actually, you're about equal.

Courtney: Whatever. I'm not with Trent anymore. (Gwen raises her eyebrows at this.)

Gwen: Really?

Courtney: Of course not! He treated me like dirt! So now, I would like to join your _very_ strong alliance with Izzy.

Gwen: Seriously? You're not tricking me?

Courtney: I'm not tricking you at all. And it's the only way you'll survive this competition. And Trent's a jerk. Together, we can get rid of him. What do say? Deal? (She extends her hand. Gwen hesitates a moment, and then shakes it.

Gwen: Deal.

**Confession Cam **

**Courtney: And now, my hand will need massive amounts of sterilizing. **

**End of Confessionals **

Trent: I have to say, Alejandro, nice work today. And I thought I was the only one who could go so low.

Alejandro: No, amigo, I will do many things to win.

Justin: Say, Trent, do you like my moustache?

Trent: Oh, yes, it really makes you look sexy.

Justin: Really? (He wiggles it up and down seductively.) Does that look good?

Trent: Yes, very. Listen. You two must know about my alliance with Courtney…

Justin: Nope. Never heard of it.

Alejandro: Are you serious, Justin? I've told you about it at least fifty times!

Justin: Oh, yeah!

Trent: Well, anyway, we have dispersed. And I know you two have a very strong alliance…

Alejandro: You want to join?

Trent: I thought you'd never ask.

Justin: No! I don't want him in our alliance! I thought it'd be just the two of us, Alejandro!

Alejandro: Justin, don't be a baby! We need another member!

Justin: No we don't!

Alejandro: Yes we do! (He thinks for a moment.) If you agree, I'll give you a mascara kit.

Justin: That won't convince me.

Alejandro: With a jar of lotion, too.

Justin: That still won't convince me.

Alejandro: And I'll give you the latest Florio lipstick prototype.

Justin: But… that hasn't come out yet! How'd you get it?

Alejandro: I have my sources. But you can only have it if you let Trent be in our alliance.

Justin: Fine! I don't care! Just give me my makeup! (He snatches it from Alejandro.)

**Confession Cam**

**Alejandro: You see, Justin's just like an overgrown child. But instead of bribing him with candy, you bribe him with women's beauty products. Kind of odd, but it works. **

**Justin: Mmm… with this new Florio lipstick, my lips feel like velvet! (He looks at the camera.) What? I don't have a problem! **

**Leshawna: So the plan is to vote for Sierra. But I can only imagine what she might be doing right now. Probably conspiring crazily to try and stop it. She has a dangerous mind. Always thinking about the game. I wonder what she could be confessing about right now. **

**Sierra: Cody's back bones are very protuberant. Hmm… that will require weeks of experimentation to figure out the cause. But when it comes to Cody, I must know everything!**

**End of Confessionals**

_**Meanwhile…**_

Noah: No! You can't do this! (Chris and Chef are rolling him up the mountain, and are almost at the peak. They are chanting some strange hym, and Chef is beating a bongo drum as he walks.)

Chris: It must be done, dude, it must be done.

Noah: You're completely psycho! Seriously, what mental injury happened to you when you were young? Abused by your parents? Raped?

Chris: I just want my camp back! (Chef plays his bongo drum in agreement.)

Noah: This is child abuse! I can sue!

Chris: Hear that, Chef? He can sue!

Chef: Ha! Must have not looked at your waiver close enough.

Chris: Yep. It specifically said when you signed it that "Chris and Chef have permission to push any of you off a cliff at any time for any reason".

Noah: It did not say that! (Chris holds up a marker.)

Chris: Well, it does now.

Chef: We're here, Chris. (They have finally made it to the peak of the mountain. They roll Noah to the very edge.)

Chris: Look down upon the waves, Noah. Tell me what you see.

Noah: I see water.

Chris: No, Noah, spiritually. What do you see?

Noah: I see water.

Chris: God, you're so boring! I guess we'll just have to speed things up. (He slowly rolls Noah closer and closer off the edge.)

**Campfire Ceremony Pit**

Ezekiel: You've all cast your votes, eh. One of you will be leavin' the island. And you can never come back. EVER.

Leshawna: That's definitely not what _you_ did.

Ezekiel: I'm not very good at creating drama, so I'll do this nice and fast. When I call your name, come up, and claim your sock.

Bridgette: _Socks_?

Ezekiel: Yep. Socks represent life here at Total Ezekiel Island. They mean you can stay another day.

Leshawna: You mean we _have _to stay another day.

Ezekiel: What, ya doon't like it here? That's so sad, eh I try and try to make it a safe and challenging environment here at Total Ezekiel Island.

Sierra: You're making this sound like a school.

Ezekiel: It is a school, in a way. You're gaining valuable life skills, here, eh! Now, on with the ceremony. Socks go to… you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, and you.

Leshawna: You're not even pointing to anyone!

Ezekiel: Oh, well, then I'll let you know that everyone gets one except for you.

Bridgette: Me?

Ezekiel: No, not you.

Owen: Me?

Ezekiel: No, not you.

Tyler: Me?

Ezekiel: No, not you.

Geoff: Me?

Ezekiel: No not you.

Katie: Me?

Ezekiel: No, not you.

Sadie: Me?

Ezekiel: No, not you.

DJ: Me?

Ezekiel: No, not you.

Harold: Me?

Ezekiel: No, not you.

Sierra: Me?

Ezekiel: No, not you.

Leshawna: Me?

Ezekiel: Yes, you.

Leshawna: That's impossible! I know there are at least 9 people here who didn't vote for me!

Heather: Oh, too bad, Leshawna. Looks like you're out.

Bridgette: That makes no sense. We all voted for Sierra! (Heather grins smugly.)

Leshawna: You! You rigged the votes!

Heather: Perhaps. Nothing you can do about it, now.

Sierra: Thanks, Heather! You're a real pal! (She tries to hug the queen bee, but slams into a glass wall.)

Heather: Sorry, but this wall is also for blocking creepy fangirls.

Leshawna: Oh, I'll get, you, bitch! (She is about to punch through the wall, when she brings down her fist.) Actually, no. I'm leavin' with my dignity intact.

Heather: Dignity won't win you one hundred thousand dollars.

Leshawna: Hmph. I don't care. (And with that, she boards the Boat of Losers, and it speeds off.)

Ezekiel: Wait, who was driving that boat?

Duncan: I dunno.

Ezekiel: Oh, well.

Bridgette: I can't believe how unfair that was!

Harold: And I never even got to say goodbye to my dear Leshawna. (He continues to play Nintendo DS. Suddenly, everyone hears a loud splash.)

Tyler: What was that? It sounded like a splash!

Sierra: Well, no duh, Tyler.

Noah: Help! I'm drowning! (Suddenly, Izzy appears out of nowhere.)

Izzy: Noah! I will save you! (And with that, she swims out to get him.)

Tyler: Not if I can save him first! I'll be the hero! (He jumps out into the water, and starts drowning.) Help! Someone save me! (The camera moves to show Chris hiding behind the stage. He turns to the camera.)

Chris: The distraction went even better than expected! Now with the distraction in play, the real fun begins!

**Can Chef and I take back the camp?**

**Can Izzy save Noah? **

**Will Tyler stop being so pathetic and stop drowning in ankle-deep water?**

**How will Ezekiel react? **

**Will Owen ever cease to be disgusting?**

**Can the new alliances between Alejandro, Justin, and Trent, as well as Courtney, Izzy, and Gwen hold?**

**And can this chapter get any longer? I seriously doubt it. Seriously, 11,758 words? That's way too many. **

**Find out here on the next hilarious, heart-wrenching, and dramatic chapter of**

**Total Drama Returns! Not Total Ezekiel Island. Man, that name sucks. **

**Note: Sorry to all Leshawna fans. But as you can see, this was a heavily Leshawna chapter, so I hope you enjoyed it. I won't bother showing the votes, but I'll tell you that everybody voted for Sierra except for Sierra, who voted for Leshawna. And Heather also put in an extra nine votes for Leshawna, so she ultimately got the boot. **


	15. Day 4 Part 3: The Host With the Most?

**Total Drama Returns**

The Cheesebub's Message: The poll still stands on the theme of my OC season. So far, "Total Drama Oldies v.s. Newbies" is in the lead. While that does have way less spots than the others, I guess the idea of seeing your character interact with an old character got some people's attentions. I am still loving Survivor: Redemption Island to the fullest, and if you haven't seen it, you should seriously check it out. Time to respond to the reviews:

**Panda Reaper—**Yeah, Noah just never seems to get a break, does he? Yes, Gwuncan is over for now, and I'm kind of happy about it, kind of sad. Whatever. They could get back together later. And of course Izzy is just delusional; Lindsay doesn't ACTUALLY have bombs strapped to her chest… XD

**Nagasha—**There will definitely be some Trentney and one point, that's for sure. I don't like the couple very much, either, but I think it fits in pretty well with this story. And who doesn't have a soft spot for a couple where both the people plan on stabbing each other in the back?

**Noah914—**Yes. Nizzy. Don't know what else to say about that.

**Twilight Cat 64—**You scared your dogs with your LAUGHING? Wow, I must really be a comedian. JK

**TotalDramaKingdomHearts—**It is reviews like these that help me keep going. Thank you. And now that I think about it… Leshawna just might've hijacked that boat. You'll see what happens in this chapter.

**AngelXScourge—**Sorry about the Gwuncan break up. I didn't know it would affect you so severely. Yeah, there's a good possibility now that they'll get back together.

**yan kan—**Another Geoff fan! Maybe I was wrong about their numbers diminishing.

**Day 4 Part 3—Chapter 15: Chris and Chef Strike Back (sort of)**

Chris: The distraction's in play, Chef! Let's take the island back now!

Chef: And do you have any plan on how we're exactly going to do this?

Chris: Well, I have about twenty crates of explosives…

Chef: Sounds good to me. (He takes out a stick of dynamite, and hurls it straight at Ezekiel. It explodes a few feet away from the prairie boy. Ezekiel whips his head around and glares.)

Ezekiel: Who threw that? Show yourself, eh!

Chris: It's me, Chris Mclean! Your extremely beautiful host. (He turns to the camera and smiles a blindingly white grin. Then he turns back to Ezekiel.) We're right behind this bush, Ezekiel! And we're gonna take back the island now!

Chef: Why'd you tell him where we are? Now the distraction is completely pointless!

Chris: Not completely. Now we have cleverly orchestrated the perfect Nizzy scene! (He points to the water, where Izzy is swimming out to save Noah.)

Sierra: I know. I'm a big fan of the couple myself.

Chris: And who asked you to speak? I'm pretty sure nobody did. So, Ezekiel, are you gonna step down, or try to fight us off? (In response, Ezekiel walks over to Eva's cage, and opens it. However, nothing comes out.)

Chris: Ha! Where'd your little Eva run off to now, huh? Ha! Save yourself the trouble and just give up.

Bridgette: Speaking of which… where _did _Eva go?

Chris: She ran away, I bet. Too afraid of my complete awesomeness, I assume. I'm just too awesome for anybody to handle! I'm the awesomest awesomer who was ever awesome! In fact…

Chef: Uh, Chris? You might want to look up. (Chris slowly glances upward, and sees Eva clinging to his head. Immediately, he freaks out.)

Chris: No! Not my hair! Don't mess with the hair! You're depriving it of its graceful lusciousness! (He tries swatting at Eva. This makes her roar in rage, and start mauling his face like a rabid, crazed weasel. Chris runs away, screaming. Chef turns to Ezekiel.)

Chef: This isn't over. (He runs away, after Chris.)

Ezekiel: Well, that took care of them.

Geoff: Dude, nobody likes your show. Why don't you just give it back to the real guys?

Ezekiel: And what's your name?

Geoff: Geoff. At least, I think…

Ezekiel: Well, Geoff, what's your favorite possession? The one that is just ever so dear to you, eh?

Geoff: Definitely my hat, man. I couldn't live without it.

Ezekiel: Oh. In that case… (He takes out a bazooka and blows Geoff's hat straight off his head. It falls to the ground in a twisting, burning wreckage.)

Geoff (staring down at his hat, which is now a charred mess): NOOOOOO!

Ezekiel: Don't defy the Zeke, man! Or this is what you'll get, eh! (The door to the Screaming Ivy Cabin slams open, and the Screaming Ivy campers come spilling out.)

Courtney: What's going on out here?

Bridgette: Ezekiel's a complete madman! He destroyed Geoff's hat!

Ezekiel: Ah, Bridgette. Please don't interfere, eh. He had it comin'!

Bridgette: What… what do you mean?

Ezekiel: Always tryin' ta steal my girl… it got on my nerves!

Gwen: And who's your "girl"?

Ezekiel: Why, who do you think? (He grins over at Bridgette.)

**Confession Cam**

**Bridgette: When he stared at me like that… I seriously threw up a little. **

**Ezekiel: Maybe I shouldn't have professed my love to Bridgette at that time. It obviously came as quite the shock to her. I bet her little heart is still beating with excitement. (He pauses) Or fear. (He sighs and stares down at the bathroom floor.)**

**Geoff: Hey, it's all cool that Ezekiel's into my girl. She**_** is**_** pretty delicious. (He licks his lips.) Bridgette won't be seeing this, right? **

**End of Confessionals**

Izzy (paddling through the water): I'm coming, Noah! Just you wait! Recite some quantum mechanics if you can hear me!

Noah (drowning, water in his mouth): Gthptstbthiths…

Izzy: That sounds like quantum mechanics to me! (She paddles faster, until she gets out to the center of the water.) Where are you, Noah? (She suddenly hears a splash to her left.)

Izzy: There you are! (She paddles over and grabs on to whatever made the splash.) Oh, Noah, you feel so… slimy. That's weird. (Tucking Noah under one arm, she paddles back to shore. When she gets there, she proudly holds him up to the other campers.)

Izzy: I present to you… Noah!

Trent: That's not Noah! That's an octopus!

Izzy: It isn't Noah? (She brings the octopus down and looks at it. Then she looks back up.) Are you sure? It kinda looks like him.

Duncan: I think Noah has a few more tentacles than that.

Izzy: Aw, you're right. (She suddenly grins.) Maybe this guy can be the new Noah! Here, DJ, catch! (She hurls the octopus straight at DJ. It slams into his chest, and explodes, splattering its juices all over him.)

DJ: Not again! (He runs away, crying.)

Izzy: Aw, so I guess that Noah won't work. Hey! Maybe _I_ can be Noah! But first I better start extending my head. (She takes out paper clips, and pulls the skin on her forehead up around her head until it reaches her chin.) That should work!

Beth (peering out at the water): So is there any way Noah could be alive?

Heather: Eh, I guess tonight is a double elimination.

Gwen: How could you say something like that?

Heather: Hey, I never held any emotional attachment to the dweeb.

Sierra: Wait! There's still a hope! My dear sweet Cody fell into the water in a wheelchair. Maybe he can tell us how he survived! (Cody just shrugs.)

Cody: I dunno. (He goes back to staring at Lindsay's boobs.)

Izzy: Cody! Don't stare at them too long! They're hypnotism devices!

Cody: What are you talking about? I'm not staring at anything! (He quickly turns away, and starts whistling.)

**Confession Cam**

**Izzy: More men on this island are being reeled in by Lindsay's power charmers. They are dangerous weapons, I tell you. **

**Lindsay (cupping her chest): So Izzy tells me these things are dangerous. I wonder if they really are? (She stands up, and her boobs slam into the wall, smashing a hole through it.) They are! They're dangerous! **

**Tyler: So nobody had been able to save Noah yet. It was my time to be the hero. I was the one to save Noah. **

**End of Confessionals **

Tyler: Guys! This is my time to shine! (Tyler takes a running leap at the water, but slams into a boat, which has just pulled in. He then falls onto the dock, which he rolls down, gaining momentum, until he reaches a bump in the ground, which sends him rocketing up into the sky, until he crashes down through the roof of the Killer Redwood Cabin.)

Lindsay: Oh no! Tyler! (She runs over to him. And kneels before him.) Are you all right?

Tyler (rubbing his head): I think so…

Lindsay: Hooray! (She tries to hug him, but her breasts slam into his face, knocking him unconscious and making a bruise form on his cheek.) Oops. (Meanwhile, Ezekiel is scanning the boat which has just pulled in suspiciously.)

Ezekiel: Hmm… this boat looks oddly familiar…

Heather: It's the Boat of Losers, Ezekiel!

Ezekiel: Oh yeah! (Suddenly, Leshawna comes out, rolling Noah along.)

Izzy: Hooray! Noah! You're alive!

Noah: No thanks to you.

Heather: And _Leshawna_? What is _she _doing here?

Leshawna: You didn't even put a driver in the boat. So I took it for my own. Good thing, too, or I wouldn't have saved this ungrateful little bastard.

Noah: You manhandled me like I was made of cardboard! And seriously, it was almost too late. I think I have hypothermia.

Izzy: Then let me warm you up.

Noah: With a hug? (Izzy glances at the lit match she has in her hand.)

Izzy: Uh, sure. Not exactly what _I _had in mind. (She leans forward and hugs him so hard his face starts to turn blue.)

Owen: Wait… what? Why is Izzy hugging Noah? Whenever I wanted to be warmed up, she just set me on fire! (He sighs and stares at the ground. Harold comes up behind him and pats him on the back.)

Harold: It's OK, dude. You'll find somebody else.

Sierra: Hooray! A Nizzy moment! I am _so _posting this on my blog.

Noah: Don't you even. We're not a couple.

Owen: You got that right!

**Confession Cam**

**Owen: Izzy with Noah… not me… WAAAHHH! (He takes out a huge pile of food and starts stuffing his face.)**

**End of Confessionals**

**Middle of the Forest**

Chris (as he runs alongside Chef): Help! Chef! Get it off! Get it off! It's tearing me apart!

Eva: I'M…. A…. SHE!

Chef: Whoa, Chris dude, did you hear that? She can speak!

Chris: I don't care if it can speak! It's completely ruining my fake cheekbones!

Chef: I knew they were fake! Ha!

Chris: Just save me!

Chef: Fine. Whatever. (He takes out a spatula, and tries to pry Eva off of Chris's face. However, the spatula snaps under Eva's weight.)

Chef: Oops. Sorry.

Chris: Do something else! Ow! My roots! My roots! My perfect roots!

Chef: I've got it! (He takes a vine, and ties it into a lasso. Then he hurls it straight at Eva. It wraps around her neck. Chef tries to tug, but Eva doesn't budge.)

Chef: She won't get off!

Chris: Pull harder! Pull harder!

Chef: Uh… OK. If you say so. (Using all his strength, he tugs as hard as he can. Slowly Eva starts to pry loose.)

Chris: C'mon! Hurry!

Chef: I'M TRYIN'! (With one sharp yank, he is finally able to get Eva off. However, the muscular girl also rips off Chris's hairpiece. Chef reels her in proudly.)

Chef: Well, I got her, Chris.

Chris: Thank god. Does my face look okay? (Chef tries to stifle a snicker. Chris's cheeks are sagging, he's completely bald, and his nose looks like a big hunk of meat.)

Chef: Yep. You look great.

Chris: Well, of course. I always look great. (He walks over and pats Eva on the head.) You were quite the fighter. But I guess I got the better of you. Say Chef, what's that hairy thing she's chewing on? (He points to his hairpiece.)

Chef: Oh, nothing. Now, let's go win this camp back!

Chris: Yeah!

**Confession Cam**

**Chef: Why would I tell Chris he was missing his hair? I have to enjoy my self sometimes. **

**Chris: Why do I feel lightheaded all of a sudden? **

**End of Confessionals **

Ezekiel: Hmm… so what should we do with you? (He is scanning Leshawna from head to toe.)

Leshawna: Obviously you have to let me back into the game!

Heather: He doesn't _have _to do anything!

Bridgette: She saved one of our campers! I think that's a worthy token of getting back in.

Trent: No it isn't.

Gwen: What do _you _care about it?

Trent: We've alreadyhad too many people come back to this game. It's time somebody actually leaves for good.

Gwen: Yes. _Definitely_. (She glares at Trent.) And I'm talking about _you_.

Courtney: Somebody has to leave. But who?

Ezekiel: Shh… I'm thinking. (Everybody watches as he sits there, deep in thought. Then his face lights up.) I know! Let's have another challenge!

All the Campers: NOOO!

Ezekiel: Then how about I just choose who leaves using "Eenie Meenie Minie Mo"?

Lindsay: Aww, I love that game!

Alejandro: This is completely corrupt! You don't choose who leaves using a silly child's game like that!

Ezekiel: Now all of you listen! This is _my _game, _my _rules!

?: Actually, I think you're mistaken. My games, my rules. (Chris walks out of the bushes, followed by Chef. Behind them, they are dragging an unconscious Eva. Everybody bursts out laughing when they see Chris's bald head.)

Chris: What's so funny?

Justin: Dude, you should take a look in the mirror.

Sadie: Ow! My eyes! The baldness is too shiny! (She clutches her eyes in agony.)

Chris: WHAT? (He whips out a handmirror, and stares at his reflection.) Hey, I actually look pretty sexy bald.

Ezekiel: What do you want here? Think you can take back the camp? Save yourself the trouble. I have the backing of the campers.

Katie: No you don't.

Ezekiel: Whatever!

Chris: Yeah, I think I can. (He takes out a pistol.)

Harold: Is that a 16-calliber semi-automatic multi-barrel? Sweet!

Chris: Shut up, Harold! Nobody needs your stupid gun intelligence! (With that, he puts Harold in a headlock and places the gun up against the dweeb's temple.)

Chris: Give us the island back, or this boy dies!

Ezekiel: Eh, what do I care? I don't know that guy!

Heather: Ezekiel! If you just let Harold die, it will completely kill our ratings!

Ezekiel: True, true. (He grabs Cody, and puts a pistol up against his temple.) Now I have a hostage!

Harold: Oh, is that a double-barrel flintlock pistol?

Chris: Shut up! Nobody needs to know every single type of gun in the world! (Ezekiel cocks the gun.)

Cody: Aw, come on! Why am I always the sacrifice? Somebody save me! Please! Anybody!

Sierra: I'll save you, Cody!

Cody: Shoot me now, Ezekiel.

Chris: It seems we're at a stalemate. A geek for a geek.

Cody: I'm not a geek! I'm a super awesome mega dude!

Chris: Like I said, a geek for a geek. How do you want this to play out?

Ezekiel: Rock Paper Scissors? I'm a big fan of the game.

Chris: Eh, not as big a fan. Though I am a fan, I am a fan.

Gwen: This is completely absurd!

Ezekiel: I wouldn't say so. This is intense, eh. (He stares at Chris. Chris stares back at him. He stares at Chris. Chris stares back at him.)

Trent: OK, quit having a staring contest and get this show on the road!

Ezekiel: You know, you could join me, Chris. Join me on the dark side.

Chris: NEVER! (And with that, he lets go of Harold and springs forward, straight at Ezekiel. Ezekiel fires his gun at him, and Chris falls to the ground, clutching his chest.)

Chris: Oh, my manly chest…

Ezekiel: I have ended Chris Mclean! (There is a long period of silence. Then, all the campers burst into cheers.)

Justin: It's about time. (However, nobody notices Chris get up and slam his foot into Ezekiel's crotch. The prairie boy keels over, moaning.)

Chris: Next time, try to use a loaded gun. (He takes out a megaphone.) Listen, campers! The island's back to the way it used to be! With your gorgeous host, Chris Mclean, in charge!

Ezekiel: Not so fast! (He gets up, and grabs Chris by the scruff of the neck.) We need to settle this fair and square. No time for cheaters.

Katie: Says the guy who tried to shoot him.

Ezekiel: I knew it wasn't loaded. Well, it was actually more of a convenient coincidence… But that's beside the point. To settle this… we're going to have you, the campers, vote! Would you rather have super awesome Ezekiel, or weird pedophile Chris? Vote for the person you want to stay!

Alejandro: That actually doesn't sound half bad.

Courtney: What if we don't vote for anybody? Then do both of you leave?

Chris: Well, of course you have to vote for somebody! And all the campers are gonna vote for me! Duh!

Noah: Yeah, I'm definitely gonna vote for you after you pushed me off a cliff.

Chris: Hey, it's all for the good of the show. You know that.

Geoff: Will I get a new hat if I vote for you?

Chris: Of course, Geoff, my man.

Geoff: Seriously? Nice!

Ezekiel: Hey! You're affecting the vote! (He turns to the campers.) Those who vote for me all get free socks!

Owen: Hooray! Socks!

Ezekiel: Looks like somebody's excited!

Chris: I offer each of you one hundred thousand dollars!

Katie: Really?

Chris: No. But I offer you each your own specialty Total Drama T-shirt!

Owen: Is it edible?

Chris: No.

Owen: Lame.

Ezekiel: I Ezekiel Muskonoaka Jones, do solemnly swear that I will execute the office of host to Total Drama faithfully, and will, to the best of my ability, preserve, protect, and defend the constitution of Camp Wawanakwa. So help me god.

Courtney: You just recited the United States Presidental Inauguration! Beautiful!

Gwen: Can we just vote already? Enough with this stupid campaigning business!

Chris: Sure. But remember… Chris is Awesome! Yep, that's my catchphrase. Pretty awesome, don't ya think?

Gwen: Nope. Not really.

**Confession Cam**

**Gwen: As much as I hate him, I'm voting for Chris. He's better than Ezekiel. At least, I hope. **

**Lindsay: Hmm… I'm voting for Obama. Wait… is he running? **

**Owen: Ezekiel's the man to win! He's giving us free socks! (He takes off one of his socks, and starts chewing it.) Delicious.**

**Bridgette: Ezekiel creeps me out. I'm voting for Chris. **

**Courtney: I'm voting for Ezekiel, just because he remembered the Inauguration! **

**Noah: Sorry dude, you pushed me off a cliff. I have to vote for the other guy. **

**Geoff: Chris will be giving me a new hat! But wait… does that mean I should vote **_**for **_**him, or vote **_**against **_**him? He really didn't make it clear.**

**Sierra: You do not know how long I've been waiting for Chris to return! Did you know he has exactly 92 hairs on his chest? I counted them while he was sleeping. I even have a little jar! Wanna see? **

**Justin: Hmm… I would vote for Chris, if he were up to his usual sexy caliber. But now… now he's just hideous! Seriously, his cheeks could use some serious cover-up. I'd say he's a "Rosy Peach". One of my favorite shades, I have to say. **

**Cody: Being held at gunpoint… it made me realize some things. It really helped me think about life. And now I have had a life-changing revelation: Gwen is hot. (He looks at the camera) What? She is. **

**DJ (still washing off the octopus gunk on his shirt): WAAAAHHHHHH!**

**Chef: Yeah, I get to vote. And I vote for neither of em! They both need to be served up some justice! **

**Leshawna: I vote for Chris. But if Ezekiel wins… Heather is gonna get some major Slappy Slappy. **

**End of Confessionals **

Chris: OK. Time to read the votes. (He takes out a jar filled with paper slips, opens it, and starts to read them.) One for Chris… one for Chris… one for Chris… one for Chris… one for Chris…

Heather: Those aren't the votes!

Chef: I'll read em. I hate all of yall, so I aint gonna be biased. (He snatches the jar from Chris's hands, and starts to read the votes.)

Chef: One for Chris. One for… Obama?

Lindsay: He wins! YAAAAYY!

Chef: Whatever. One for Ezekiel. One for Chris. Another one for Chris! Two more for Chris! Chris now has 5 votes, while Ezekiel only has 1.

Ezekiel: You crazy fools, eh! You doon't know who's the true candidate!

Chris: Ha! Looks like I'll be winning!

Chef: Not so fast! The next five votes are all for Ezekiel! So now it's 5 votes for Chris, 6 votes for Ezekiel. Now… here comes one for Chris! And one for Ezekiel! And one for… Trent?

Trent: I'm a better host than all of you! I should be hosting this show!

Chef: Whatever floats your boat.

Harold: I like boats.

Chef: And why did you say that? There was no reason for you to even _open _your mouth!

Harold: Wow. Harsh. (He goes back to playing Nintendo DS.)

Chef: Don't mind annoying nerd boy over there. Now, we have a vote for Chris, and then two votes for Ezekiel. That makes it 7 votes for Chris, 9 votes for Ezekiel. Here's a vote for Chris. 8 votes Chris, 9 votes Ezekiel. Another vote for Chris! That makes it 9 votes for Chris, 9 votes for Ezekiel! And that's… it? That's the last vote?

Leshawna: Somebody didn't vote! But who? (Suddenly, her eyes light up.) DJ!

Izzy: I'll get him! (She runs into the bathroom. A few seconds later, DJ flies out and crashes to the ground. Izzy walks out, wiping her hands off.)

DJ (rubbing his head and getting up): Can't you let me mourn in peace? That poor, sweet octopus…

Chris: No time, DJ! You have to vote for either me or Ezekiel to stay as host to the show!

DJ: Do I have to?

Ezekiel: Yep.

DJ: But… I don't know who to choose!

Chris: Just think, DJ! Who do you think _really _deserves to host this show? (He walks over and starts giving DJ a shoulder massage.) Hmm… feel nice, DJ? Hmmm?

Ezekiel: Two can play at that game, eh! (He walks over and starts massaging DJ's feet.) You like that, DJ?

DJ: Uh, I'm feelin' kind of uncomfortable, here.

Chris: Oh, but DJ, only _you _deserve this kind of massage.

Ezekiel: I can pleasure you, DJ. I'm a premium massager in _all _locations. (With this DJ runs away screaming.)

Chris (angrily): Good job, Ezekiel. You scared him.

Ezekiel: Izzy, go bring our "special guest" back. (Quick as a flash, Izzy races off, and runs back, carrying DJ over her shoulders like a sack of potatoes.)

DJ: No more massages! No more massages! Please, lord, no more massages!

Chris: It's time, DJ. Who do you want to be your host?

DJ: Do I have to decide?

Ezekiel: Yes. And remember, DJ, premium massager.

DJ: Okay. I think I've made my decision. (He takes a deep breath.) My vote goes to…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

...

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

Chris.

Ezekiel: Heh. Heh. I don't think I heard you right.

DJ: I said, my vote goes to…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

...

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

Chris.

Chef: Yeah, we all get it! You don't need to take up so much room with your little "dot dot dot's".

Chris: Hey, it adds dramatic tension. Well, Ezekiel, looks like you and your gang will have to say goodbye. (Ezekiel sighs, and his toque droops.)

Ezekiel: I get it, eh. You beat me fair and square.

Heather: NO! I WANT MY REVENGE!

Leshawna: Aw, too bad. (She grabs the queen bee and hurls her into the Boat of Losers.) Have fun at Playa de Losers! (She grins and puts an L up to her forehead.)

Heather: I WILL DESTROY YOU! AND SUE THIS SHOW FOR EVERYTHING IT'S WORTH!

Alejandro: No! Heather! Wait! (He jumps into the Boat of Losers.) Let me come with you.

Heather: Really? (The boat starts to pull away from the dock.)

Alejandro: Uh… actually, never mind. I still wanna win! (He jumps back onto the dock.)

Heather: Fine! But we are _so _over!

Alejandro: I will miss you!

Heather: I won't miss you!

Alejandro: I love you!

Heather: I hate you! (And with that, the boat disappears over the horizon. A few seconds later, it comes back.)

Chris: Duncan, your turn. (Duncan turns to Gwen hopefully. However, the goth girl just shakes her head in disgust. The punk sighs, and boards the Boat of Losers.)

Chris: Just for fun, let's put Eva on that boat, too.

Duncan: No, wait—(But Chris hurls the muscular girl straight at him. The sounds of her mauling him can be heard as the boat zooms away. Finally, the boat comes back one more time.)

Chris (beckoning to the boat): All aboard. (Ezekiel starts to step on, but Chris stops him.) Nope. Not you. I'm talking to Leshawna.

Leshawna: What? Why me?

Chris: Hey, you were eliminated fair and square.

Leshawna: No I wasn't!

Chris: Whatever. (Chef walks over, and throws the black girl in. Then the boat speeds off, with Leshawna roaring in rage.)

Ezekiel: Uh… Chris? Why am I still here?

Chris: I have a little offer for you. (He turns to the campers.) Ezekiel showed some fine leadership skills today!

Gwen: Yeah. More like "dictatorship".

Chris: And that's why… I'm letting him into the game! (Ezekiel jumps up when he hears this.)

Ezekiel: Really?

Chris: Yep. After all, you were never truly let into the game. Now, which one of you teams want him?

Trent: We sure don't.

Geoff: Give him to the other team!

Courtney: Hey! Why do _we _have to have him?

Bridgette: We certainly don't want him.

Chris: Oh, c'mon, guys! It's an extra body… got a nice nose, for all you nose-lovers.

Justin: Hey, the Killer Redwoods are down a player! They should have to have him!

Chris: True, true. Well, I guess that settle it! Ezekiel, go stand with your new team! (Ezekiel grins sheepishly, and walks over to the Killer Redwoods. When he gets there, they all disperse and walk back to their cabin rooms. Ezekiel is left there, standing alone.)

**Confession Cam**

**Geoff: So we got Homeschool. I'll just make sure he comes nowhere near my new hat! **

**End of Confessionals**

**Killer Redwood Cabin (Males)**

Geoff (stroking his hat, a demonic fire in his eyes): Precious… my precious…

Tyler: Eh, don't mind him, Zeke. Find a bed. (Ezekiel nods, and sees that the only bed not taken is the one right under Owen. He realizes why when he climbs in, and finds that due to the fact that Owen is snoring in the bed right above him, the bunk sags so low he can barely fit. Ezekiel is just getting comfy when he notices that everyone is glaring at him.)

Ezekiel: So… should I apologize for what I did, eh?

Geoff: You're just lucky Chris was nice enough to give me another hat. (He goes back to stroking his hat. Ezekiel sighs, and rolls over.)

**Confession Cam**

**Ezekiel: Unwanted. The teams literally **_**fought **_**to see who wouldn't have to have me! My whole life, all I wanted to do was interact with people my age, eh! And when I finally get the chance, all I do is make them hate me! (He stops whining, and slaps himself across the face.) Think, Zeke. You just have to win. Winning is inevitable for the Zeke-monster! Yeah! (Slowly the credits start to appear from the bottom of the screen, but Ezekiel doesn't notice them.) I'll be the ultimate reality TV superstar, eh! And that'll show me stupid mum and dad! How aboot that, eh? (Suddenly, the credits slam into this chin.) OW! What was that? (The credits continue to slam into his face, battering his chin repeatedly.) OW! OOF! YOUCH! What are these things? (The words continue to bash his face, now onto the cast list.) Help! The credits are attacking me! Ooo… Peter Oldring. My voice actor. **

**End of Confessionals **

(Chris and Chef are watching all this from the studio and laughing their asses off.)

Chris: Told you that would be entertaining! (He turns to the camera and starts the sign off.)

**Can Ezekiel survive even another day here on Total Drama Island? I dunno, even the credits are out to get him. **

**Will Noah ever get out of his body cast?**

**When will DJ's curse end?**

**Can Geoff keep his final hat?**

**How does Bridgette feel about her "admirer"?**

**And what crazy challenges are in store for our campers on the next crazy episode of**

**Total Drama Returns! **

**Eliminated: Heather, Duncan, Eva, Leshawna**

**Still in the Game: Noah, Katie, Sadie, Cody, Trent, Lindsay, Beth, Harold, Tyler, Izzy, Owen, Sierra, Alejandro, Gwen, Courtney, Justin, Geoff, Bridgette, DJ, Ezekiel**

**Note: Yeah, so it's back to the way things were with Chris as host. But now… Ezekiel's in the game! And let me tell you, he is possibly one of the easiest characters to make hilarious. You'll see soon enough. **

**Votes (for the host): **

Leshawna—**Chris**

Izzy—Ezekiel

Owen—Ezekiel

Noah—Ezekiel

Courtney—Ezekiel

Gwen—**Chris **

Sierra—**Chris**

Tyler—Ezekiel

Geoff—**Chris**

Bridgette—**Chris**

Cody—**Chris**

Justin—Ezekiel

Lindsay—Obama?

DJ—**Chris**

Beth—Ezekiel

Alejandro—Ezekiel

Katie—**Chris**

Sadie—**Chris**

Harold—Ezekiel

Trent- Trent? *um*

Chef: **Chris** (Yeah I voted for him. So what?)

**Chris: 10**

Ezekiel: 9

Trent?: 1

Obama?: 1


	16. Day 5 Part 1: Trek, Build, Trek

**Total Drama Returns**

The Cheesebub's Message: Well, I didn't think I'd make it, but I made it. I've made it to Day 5. A moment of complete and utter bragging is in order. I MADE IT! I MADE IT! OK, now on to the responding of the reviews:

**Twilight Cat 64—**Yeah, Ezekiel's one of the easiest to make hilarious in this fic. It's simple lines like that one that will work.

**Whateva86 (to all three of your reviews)—**Not sure if you're at this chapter yet, but I guess I'll respond anyway. Who says Alejandro hasn't already charmed Justin? Yeah, Blaineley's probably not going to compete, but she may appear around the time of the finale. And wow. You really hate Gwen. Maybe you should get some counseling.

**Panda Reaper—**You do need to know every type of gun? That's disturbed. Yeah, I also thought of the lyrics from Allstar at that part. I'm happy that Nizzy is getting a positive reaction.

**Nagasha—**Well, not exactly "Bridgzekiel", but more "Ezekiel just really likes Bridgette". If you want some true Bridgzekiel, the Kobold Necromancer has like, 4 stories on it.

**Team Ben Is Really Really Really Hot- **First of all, interesting name. And what's your real name again? "Ben"? Wow, you really like yourself. You kind of remind me of Justin. Yeah, I don't really like anyone on Zapatera, now, either. WHOA. Another Geoff fan? Never mind about their numbers diminishing! You guys could start your own civilization! No, Geoff and Bridgette didn't break up. If you think that Bridgette would choose a vitamin-lacking, psychopathic, nose-picking homeschool over Geoff, you're horribly mistaken.

**TotalDramaKingdomHearts—**Duncan didn't get a moment last episode, but he definitely will around the time we visit the Playa de Losers (at the final 5 or 6, most likely). Yeah, bringing Ezekiel in was something I had planned all along. He is possibly the easiest to make hilarious. Well, it seems that Nizzy is a popular couple.

**Noah914—**Yep, sometimes Harold can just make some really weird line sound absolutely hilarious. It's just the way of the Harold, Noah's been in a body cast for quite a while now. You didn't know? Owen only wears socks on special occasions, actually. And I'm pretty sure Sadie spoke, if only one or two meager lines.

**Zhao Pi—**Thanks for the flattering review! You didn't mention anything specific, so I don't know how else to respond.

* * *

Chris Mclean: Last time on… Total Drama Returns! Hear that, Ezekiel? Not "Total Ezekiel Island"! "Total Drama Returns"!

Ezekiel: Alright! I get it! No need to rub it in, eh!

Chris Mclean: Anyway, with an incredibly strategic plan constructed by yours truly, Chef and I were able to take back the camp. There were fatalities, such as Leshawna, but I was able to take back the throne as the leader of this show, sending back all the other losers who thought they could stop me! That is, except for Ezekiel, who I decided to let hang around and boil in awkward soup with all the campers he so maniacally enslaved. What sort of crazy challenges can poor Ezekiel expect to have to deal with? What tribe will come out on top? See here on Total Drama Returns!

**(Theme Song Plays)**

**Day 5 Part 1—Chapter 16: Trek, Build, Trek**

(It is early morning. The campers are all sleeping peacefully, except for Ezekiel, who is out in the woods, hunting.)

Ezekiel: Come out, you bunnies and squirrels! I am the hunter, and you are the prey! Let's do this, eh! (Suddenly, he turns to the camera, a bloodthirsty look in his eyes.)

Ezekiel: There you are! (He lets loose an arrow. The camera slams into the ground.)

Cameraman: Ow! I'm just the cameraman!

Ezekiel: Oops. Sorry.

**Confession Cam**

**Ezekiel: Yeah, after a good night's rest, I'm psyched to be back in the game! And I'm sure that my team is finally accepting my presence in the group. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Killer Redwoods Cabin**

Sierra: And thus concludes our fourth annual "How to Get Rid of Ezekiel" session. It appears that rat poison and bear traps seem to be the most popular options.

DJ: I don't like those options! Those are what people use to kill poor animals!

Sierra: Well, Ezekiel is about the closest thing we have to an animal infestation here in this cabin.

Bridgette: We don't need to kill him; we just need to vote him off at the next ceremony.

Katie: Oh, c'mon guys! Maybe we should give Ezekiel a chance!

Bridgette: No. The longer he stays around, the more he hurts my relationship with Geoff.

Geoff: True dat. (He takes out a ukulele and strums it.)

Tyler: Where'd you get the ukulele?

Geoff: Hmm… that's a good question. I really have no idea.

Owen: So we're going to oust Ezekiel tonight?

Sierra: We don't have much of a choice. He's a completely useless ball of slime!

**Confession Cam**

**Ezekiel: Yeah, I really feel part of the team now! **

**End of Confessionals**

(Chris and Chef stand outside the cabins, grinning smugly.)

Chris: Chef, you ready to "wake up the campers"?

Chef: Oh, yes. (He takes out a cage full of baboons foaming from the mouth.)

Chris: Here at Camp Wawanakwa, we strive to find creative and deadly new ways to wake up our campers. (He opens the cage, and the baboons race out, screeching excitedly. Half go into the Killer Redwoods Cabin, while the other half go into the Screaming Ivy Cabin. Five seconds later, all the campers run out, screaming and slapping at the baboons clinging to their faces. The chaos goes on for about ten minutes, until finally, everybody calms down. They turn to Chris and glare.)

Courtney: WHAT… IS… YOUR… PROBLEM?

Chris: I just had to get you guys outside and enjoying the beautiful day!

Justin: There's not a ray of sun in the sky! Oh man, this is _sooo _bad for my skin.

Beth: Nobody cares about your skin, Justin!

Justin: _I _care about my skin!

Chris: There's a lot more than just skin moisture deprivation you're gonna have to deal with today. Today is all about the great outdoors, and what they can offer you! You'll be learning valuable life skills that you can carry with you for the rest of your existence!

Ezekiel: This sounds exciting, eh!

Chris: It is, my fellow outdoorsman. First, you will take a nice, scenic hike through the woods…

Trent: And by scenic you mean deadly.

Chris: Of course. And once you get to your beautiful campsite…

Trent: And by beautiful you also mean deadly.

Chris: Yep. Anyways, once you get there, you will choose one of your teammates to perform a fun solo reward challenge…

Trent: And by fun you still mean deadly.

Chris: Shut up! If the person you choose can complete the reward challenge, you will win two hundred pounds of lumber to use in the immunity challenge, which is… Build-A-Fort! Using any supplies you can find in the supply-deprived woods, you will build a fort and see if it can withstand a simulated thunderstorm created by Chef's magic weather machine. (Chef rolls over on a huge, metal ball with gears whizzing all around it.)

Chris: And how does that work, exactly?

Chef: How should I know? This is a story, not real life! We're all just constructed out of words!

Chris: Not true! I'm real! I'm real! Could this sort of beauty be fake? (He flashes a smile at the camera.)

Justin: Duh. Who has natural beauty these days, anyway?

Chris: Spoken like a true example of the demeaning life form that the modern human has become. So, back to the challenge… the team whose fort can take the storm better will get a thirty minute head start on the trek back to the camp. First team back wins immunity. Now who's ready to go? (The only person who raises his hand is Ezekiel.)

Ezekiel: Let's do this, eh!

Chris: Looks like you have quite the camper on your team, Killer Redwoods. You should be proud.

Bridgette (sarcastically): Oh, yeah. We really are.

Ezekiel: Why thank you, m'lady. (Bridgette just rolls her eyes.)

Geoff: Sounds cool, Mclean. When do we start?

Chris: In 5… 4…

Owen: Uh… Mr. Mclean? I think you forgot something vital.

Chris: And what's that?

Owen: FOOOOOOOOOOOD!

Chris: Ha! Like I'd actually give you food going into the wilderness!

Owen: No! This is my worst nightmare! (Ezekiel walks up behind Owen and pats him on the back.)

Ezekiel: Don't worry, eh. You've got the master hunter on your team!

Owen: Sadie?

Ezekiel: No! Me! (He holds up the cameraman's hat.) Behold! The pelt of my recent catch.

Owen: Wow! You're amazing!

Ezekiel: I know, I know.

Chris: So, Screaming Ivies, what do you make of this challenge? You've been awfully silent. (He turns to see that the Screaming Ivies are already gone.) Looks like the other team has already made a break for it, Killer Redwoods! You better hurry up!

Ezekiel: Let's go, everybody! (He takes a step forward, but is trampled by the rest of his team, coming up behind him.)

_**With the Screaming Ivies…**_

Izzy: C'mon, guys! I'll lead the way! I know this really awesome pathway through here! It's one that I took with Justin Bieber and Justin Timberlake. I promised them I wouldn't show it to you guys, but I feel like I have to. It's my duty, after all. And it's super awesome!

Trent: And by awesome you mean deadly.

Gwen: Is that all you're gonna say today?

Trent: Pretty much.

Justin: Guys, can you slow down? I can't keep up! Oh, and I think I broke a nail! (Everybody on the Screaming Ivies just roll their eyes.)

**Confession Cam**

**Beth: OK, Justin is seriously bugging me. You don't sign up for an outdoors competition if you don't want be outdoors! **

**Justin: Nobody is listening to my pleas anymore! Can't they tell that I don't enjoy doing any work? They should be carrying me! Instead, they're all just trekking through the mud like they actually **_**enjoy**_** doing this sort of thing! **

**End of Confessionals**

Noah: Huh… huh… Wait, guys! Wait for me! (He is trying to roll through the mud, but is already falling behind. He can't see the rest of his team anymore.) Leave the cripple behind again, will you?

Alejandro: I didn't leave you behind.

Noah: GAH! Who's there? (Alejandro steps out of the bushes.)

Alejandro: I am right here, amigo. I'm here to help you.

Noah: You've been watching me all this time?

Alejandro: Yes.

Noah: Uh… that's really creepy.

Alejandro: Oh, that is beside the point. The rest of the team abandoned you. I stayed back.

Noah: You think you can charm me, Alejandro? It's not going to happen!

Alejandro: This has nothing to do with charming. This is about helping a fellow teammate. (He starts to push Noah through the muck at a very quick pace.)

Noah: Gee… uh, thanks. Guess you're not trying to manipulate me, this time.

Alejandro: You know, Justin is expendable. He won't last long. You, on the other hand, can make the long run.

Noah: And now… you're back to manipulating.

Alejandro: I am completely serious, Noah. Your mind is one I could use.

Noah: Not interested.

Alejandro: And maybe… we can make it to the final 2 together.

Noah: Not interested.

Alejandro: And—

Noah: Not interested.

Alejandro: So—

Noah: Not interested.

Alejandro: ARRGGGH! (He angrily stamps his foot on the ground, but suddenly, it sinks into quicksand.) Gah! I'm sinking! Quick, Noah, save me! (Noah just stares down at him, and then starts to roll away.)

Alejandro: No! Wait! Please! (But Noah has already disappeared around a bend. Alejandro's eyes narrow. Then, his neck stretches so far up that he is able to grab onto a vine with his teeth, pulling the rest of his body up. He lands on the ground and glares.)

**Confession Cam**

**Alejandro: Now, Noah is the one I must target. He's cruel, sadistic, and doesn't give a crap about anyone. Seriously, what other person is like that? I mean, besides myself, of course.**

**End of Confessionals**

_**With the Killer Redwoods…**_

Ezekiel: C'mon, troops! One, two, one, two!

Sadie: Stop it, Ezekiel! You're going too fast!

Ezekiel: There's no such thing as "too fast"! Right now, we're too slow, eh! We're going at the pace of half an Owen!

Owen: Heeheehee… he said my name.

Bridgette: What makes you think you're the boss around here?

Ezekiel: I don't see anyone else wantin' to take charge, eh.

Geoff: Hey, c'mon guys, he can lead. Now if there are any spider webs... he'll be the first to walk right into them! (There's a loud zing, and Ezekiel is suddenly at the back of the line, trembling.)

Sierra: Hm. Looks like somebody's afraid of spiders.

Ezekiel: I hate spiders! They're so quick, and leggy! (He looks ahead, and suddenly, he freezes up.) You know, you guys go on without me. I'll take a different route. (With that, he races off.)

Tyler (from the front of the line): Heh. I wonder what his problem was. (Suddenly, he walks right into a giant spider web, and sticks there.) Oh.

Katie: Oh no! Tyler's stuck! C'mon, Sadie! We'll save him! (The two race forward, and also get caught in the web.)

Sadie: Hmm… maybe we should have seen that coming.

Harold: This makes no sense. Why would there be giant spiders in this semi-arid subtropical humid climate? (Suddenly, Chef comes crawling down, in a spider costume.)

Chef: I don't get paid enough for this, man. (He takes out two pots and clangs them together.) I am spider! Hear my pincers clang!

Harold: You do realize that most spiders do not make any noise? That is, except for the Goliath Bird-Eating Spider, which makes a loud hissing noise to frighten enemies using the bristles located on its—

Chef: Shut up! Nobody cares! Seriously! I do not get paid enough for this, especially having to listen to the likes of you! (He turns to Tyler, Katie, and Sadie.) Now I'm gonna eat you—

Harold: But spiders don't eat humans! Even if they are a Goliath Bird-Eating Spider, which is what I assume you are. Goliath Bird-Eaters only eat birds, frogs, snakes, rodents, and other small animals and bugs, using the digestive chemical they spray to eat away at the—

Chef: That's it! I'm done with this! (He crawls away.)

Katie: Harold! You're our hero!

Tyler: Now get us out of this web! It's constricting my gorgeous muscles! (Harold walks over and starts to untie them.)

Harold (as he unties the web): Did you know that there is no consistent relationship between the classification of spiders and the types of web they build? Species in the same genera may build very similar or significantly different webs. Nor is there much correspondence between spiders' classification and the chemical composition of their silks…

Sadie: Stop blabbing and hurry up!

Harold: Fine. Gosh. (He finishes with the web, and the three trapped in it fall to the ground, in cocoons of silk.)

Tyler: OK, you got us out of the web; now get us out of these cocoons!

Harold: Sorry, I can't. The material's too strong. Guys, we're gonna have to carry them.

Tyler: I aint being carried! I do things my way! (He hops up and starts hobbling away.)

Bridgette: You do realize he's going the wrong direction.

Harold: Hey, he wants to do things his way.

Sadie: So who's going to carry us?

Geoff: I don't know. You look like you'd be pretty hard to—

Sadie: I dare you to finish that sentence.

Geoff: Never mind! I'll carry you. (He picks up the cocoon, and the group continues on its way.)

**Confession Cam**

**Geoff: Our group is still A-OK! Sure, we've already lost Tyler and Ezekiel, but still! A-OK! **

**Katie (trapped in the cocoon with Sadie): Wow, Sadie, it's so dark in here! **

**Sadie: Yeah, I know. Hey! Maybe we're gonna turn into butterflies! **

**Katie: OMG! THAT WOULD BE SO EXCITING! **

**Sadie: Yeah. But just one question… **

**Katie: Yeah? What's that? **

**Sadie: How do we go to the bathroom in this thing?**

**End of Confessionals **

_**With the Screaming Ivies…**_

Chris: And just when it seemed that the Screaming Ivy would have a relatively pain-free trip, DISASTER STRUCK! (The scene cuts to the Screaming Ivy team, walking along their trail. They all stop for just a second.)

Cody: It's quiet. (His eyes narrow.) _Too quiet_.

Gwen: Chris has never let us go this long without having something painful happen to us! (Suddenly, Justin grins and trips, landing with a soft thud on the ground.)

Justin: OH! I'M DOWN! I'M DOWN! OH, THE HORROR! JUST GO ON WITHOUT ME!

Courtney: Fair enough. You were useless to the group, anyway.

Justin: No, I mean, don't go on without me! I need somebody to carry me!

Beth: Hold on a second. We need someone to check if you're _actually_ hurt. (She slaps Lindsay on the back.) Lindsay, go check it out.

Lindsay: Right! Dr. Lindsay is on the case! (She walks over and leans down to look at Justin's leg.) Hmm… Let me see…

Justin (whispering in her ear): He is severely injured.

Lindsay: He is severely injured! (She gets up and turns to the group.) He is severely injured.

Beth: Oh, really? What kind of injury?

Lindsay: Er… one second. I'll check. (She leans back down.)

Justin (whispering in her ear): I, uh… I have a concussion.

Lindsay: He has a concussion, everybody!

Cody: On his _leg_?

Lindsay: Uh, yeah! It's a legcussion! Very rare these days.

Noah: There's no such thing.

Lindsay: Yes there is! You just must not know your biology.

Noah: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard—

Lindsay: It is obvious this man needs treatment!

Justin: Er, I'm pretty sure I just need to be carried—

Izzy: SURGERY! SURGERY! SURGERY!

Justin: No! Stay away from me! A legcussion does not require surgery. It just needs to be elevated. (With that, Izzy walks over and cracks his leg up and over his head.)

Izzy: There ya go, buddy!

Justin: Ow! Put that back down! (Izzy reluctantly lets his leg drop back down to the ground.) All I need is for someone to carry me, fan me, and feed me grapes.

Gwen: This is completely absurd.

Justin: It is not absurd! It is the kind of treatment a legcussion deserves! Lindsay, you get the grapes. Cody, you get the fan. And Trent and Alejandro, you guys carry a platform with me on it. This is gonna be awesome!

**Confession Cam**

**Justin: I knew this challenge wasn't meant for a man like me to do any of it. So I pulled a "Geoff" from season 1. And they believed it! Ha! (He leans back, and claps. A large leaf sticks through the window and starts to fan him.) This is gonna be the life. **

**Noah: So Justin gets to be pampered like a little baby, while I, in a full body cast, get no sort of treatment whatsoever! Everything is wrong about that! **

**Izzy: Aw, I really wanted to perform surgery. **

**End of Confessionals**

_**With the Killer Redwoods…**_

Geoff: Huff… Huff… God, this cocoon weighs, like—

Sadie: I dare you to finish that sentence truthfully.

Geoff: Ten pounds! Ten pounds at the most.

Bridgette: Hmm… Ezekiel's been gone awhile…

Geoff: So? Now there's nothing to stop us from enjoying every minute together. (He turns around and leans forward in a kiss, but accidentally kisses Owen on the lips.)

Owen: Oh, why thank you, fine gentleman.

Geoff: Ahhh! I thought Bridgette was behind me!

Owen: No, she went off to go look for Ezekiel. (Geoff freezes up, then starts to turn beet red.)

Geoff: No. That's not possible. She wouldn't abandon our team like that.

Owen: Eh, well, she did.

Geoff: Whatever. She's just a nice person, that's all! She cares for people!

DJ: If that's what you think, Geoff. But I'd watch her if were you. I'd also watch my step. (Right after he says this, he steps on a bunny, crushing it.) NO!

Sierra: Stop screaming. Listen. (Everybody listens, but hears nothing.)

Katie: Yeah? What are we supposed to be hearing?

Sierra: You don't hear it? It sounds like… a waterfall. It's so beautiful!

Geoff: Hey! I hear it!

Sierra: Really?

Geoff: Nope. Now let's keep moving.

**Confession Cam**

**Sierra: Wow, Geoff is not in his usual cheery mood! Usually he only transitions out of it if his hat is missing, or he doesn't get his daily intake of fiber. **

**Geoff: Bridgette obviously doesn't care about our relationship. She just goes off to look for Ezekiel without telling me! ARGGHHH! (He grabs the toilet seat and angrily takes a bite out of it.)**

**Bridgette: I have a feeling Geoff might be a little angry at me for going to look for Ezekiel…**

**End of Confessionals**

_**With the Screaming Ivies… **_

Justin: Ahh… this is the life… (He is being carried by Alejandro, Trent, Gwen, and Courtney on a slab of moss hoisted up by four sticks of bamboo. He turns angrily to Cody, who is fanning him with a huge leaf.) C'mon, Cody, fan faster! Your skinny arms can take it!

Cody: No… too tired…

Courtney: We're all too tired! And he doesn't give a #*%!

Justin: Oh, c'mon. You know I would do this for you if _you _were injured.

Beth: I'm not buying your act for one minute, buster.

Justin: Too bad for you. Because I am completely telling the truth. Say, Lindsay, did you bring me those grapes?

Lindsay: Grapes are here! (She takes a bunch of spiky balls and stuffs them down his throat. Justin chokes for a few minutes, and then spits them out.)

Justin: What were those? Those weren't grapes!

Lindsay: They're better than grapes! They're weird spiky black balls I found on the ground in the middle of the forest! (Suddenly, Justin grabs his throat.)

Justin: Water… I need water…

Alejandro: We all need water, amigo. But there is none in this forest.

Justin: Fine! But let's hurry up! We have to beat the other team, after all! Put all your strength into it!

Beth: That's it! What makes you think you can just boss everybody around like this?

Justin: Uh, hello? Legcussion! (He points dramatically to his leg. Then he claps his hands.) I need some shade over here! (Nobody does anything.) C'mon! I need some shade! (Still, nobody goes to get him shade.)

Justin (pointing at Noah): This is all _your_ fault, you know!

Noah: What? How is it _my _fault?

Justin: The rest of the team is too busy tending to you to help me!

Noah: Are you serious? Nobody's helping me!

Izzy: I'll help you, Noah! (She runs over and punches him in the face.)

Noah: Ow! How is _that _helping me?

Izzy: Woohoo! (She does a flip over his head, then lands behind him. Grabbing the handles to his wheelchair, she races off, pushing him so fast they become a blur.)

Justin: C'mon, you slackers! We should be going that fast, too!

Gwen: How much do you weigh? Like, five hundred pounds?

Justin: Nope, that must just be my very voluminous hair. (He fondly pats it.)

Cody: I don't think I can fan much longer…

Justin: You better keep fanning! Or face the wrath of my chin!

**Confession Cam**

**Justin: Wow, what a group of incompetent losers. They can't do anything, really. I mean, seriously, how hard is it to fan a man's body correctly?**

**Trent: Justin better watch what he says. He thinks he can boss everyone around right now, and I'm letting him do it. Because when it comes to the vote… the target's off my back. **

**End of Confessionals**

_**With the Killer Redwoods… **_

DJ: Yes! We made it guys, we made it. (The Killer Redwoods have arrived at their campsite, sitting in the middle of a field.)

Sierra: Yep. And we only lost Tyler, Ezekiel, Bridgette…

Geoff: OK! We're missing a few members! That's fine. We'll still go all out, dudes! (Chris walks out the bushes.)

Chris: Welcome, Killer Redwoods. Seems you lost a few members. Only 7 of you guys left.

Tyler: Wait! I'm here! (A cocoon flies by Chris's head, and slams into a rock face with a thud.) Oof.

Chris: Well, looks like Tyler's here. So, before you can get to build your super awesome fort, you must choose somebody to compete in the solo reward challenge. And remember, this will be winning your team two hundred pounds of lumber. But first, why don't I show you what must be done to win this reward? (Chef comes out, with a huge grill.)

Chef: Mmm… nothin' like grillin' up some good food. (To the campers' horror, they realize that Chef is grilling tarantulas.)

Owen: Yummy! (He tries to run at the grill, but Chef halts him.)

Chef: No way, tubby. This is my tarantula. (He pops it into his mouth, and the campers watch in horror as he chews with content. Then he sets about grilling another one.)

Chris: Simple challenge, campers. All ya have to do is make one of your fellow teammates have a taste of Chef's Spider di Delicious.

Sierra: No way! It's cruel! It's sadistic!

Chris: Hey, tarantulas are considered a delicacy in certain countries. Now, who's gonna do it? (Everybody turns to Owen, when suddenly, Ezekiel comes crashing out of the thickets, followed by Bridgette.)

Ezekiel: I'm here, guys! So what's the challenge, eh? (He suddenly notices that everyone is staring at him and grinning.) What?

Bridgette: Yeah. Why are you all staring at Ezekiel like that?

Geoff: Oh, nothing. So how about it, Ezekiel? Want to do the reward challenge for us?

Ezekiel: You bet! Let's do this, eh!

**Confession Cam**

**Geoff: Hey, Ezekiel was trying to steal my girl. So he gets to eat the thing he fears most. If he does it, well, he's mentally scarred for the rest of his life. If he doesn't… then we have the perfect candidate for tonight at the Elimination Ceremony. **

**End of Confessionals**

_**With the Screaming Ivies…**_

Izzy: Hey guys! We're here! (The Screaming Ivy campers are all standing in a large clearing.)

Justin: OK, guys, drop me down slowly… (Trent, Gwen, Alejandro, and Courtney just let go of their poles, and he drops the ground with a loud crash.) Hey! That wasn't slowly! (He claps his hands.) Lindsay! Food! (Lindsay runs over and holds out a stick. Justin grabs it and inspects it, then throws it away.) I want real food. The best gourmet dishes you have to offer.

Lindsay: But…

Gwen: It's okay, Lindsay, you don't have to take orders from him.

Justin: Yes she does.

Courtney: You think you're the boss around here or something? Just stop bothering the people who are actually _doing _things for the team!

Justin: Hmmph. Fine. I'm taking my beauty nap. (He goes to sleep.)

Trent: Okay, Chris, where are you?

Chris (from up in the treetops): I'm right here! (He does a flip through the air and lands on the ground, striking a pose. He stays in that pose, waiting expectantly.) I'm waiting for my applause.

Beth: Do we have to—

Chris: I'm waiting for my applause! (The campers reluctantly clap, and he bows.) So, Screaming Ivies, ready to know what somebody on your team must do to win you guys so lumber? (He beckons to a rockface jutting out behind the campsite.)

Chris: It's simple, really. All you have to do is pick somebody from your team to scale the side of that wall using our specialty safety harnesses.

Trent: And by safety you mean deadly.

Chris: Do you thrive on being annoying? Yes, you will use our non-government tested safety harness to climb the cliff. Simple enough?

Alejandro: There's no way that's the challenge. There has to be something deadly involved.

Chris (muttering under his breath): And, from the top of the cliff, I'll be trying to pour hot oil on you. (He speaks up again.) So, who wants to do it? (Nobody raises their hand.) Let's have a female, shall we? (Still, nobody raises their hand.) Cody! Thanks for volunteering!

Cody: I'm not a female!

Chris: Oops. Forgot. Then how about you, Courtney?

Courtney: No! It's psychopathic! It's completely delusional! It's—

Chris: -going to happen after the break!

**Can Ezekiel and Courtney complete their solo challenges?**

**How will the teams' forts withstand the powerful storm sure to come?**

**What will become of Geoff and Bridgette's relationship?**

**Can Ezekiel ever win his team's trust? **

**Will Justin ever actually do anything for his team?**

**And what other surprises await us in the next stormy chapter of**

**Total Drama Returns!**


	17. Day 5 Part 2: The Storm's A'comin

**Total Drama Returns**

The Cheesebub's Message: Sorry the updates have been taking so long, but I've been uber busy. Well, after this week, it's spring break, where I'll be able to update a lot more (except when I'm in Oregon with my family).

**drums247—**Welcome back! It's been a while since you last reviewed. I agree, Ezekiel is a useful addition to the game. You'll see what happens to Courtney very soon.

**Nagasha—**Yep, both Ezekiel and Justin are being like Phillip in this situation. And you'll see that the Trent-Justin relationship is going to become an awful lot like the Boston Rob-Phillip relationship from Survivor in this chapter.

**Panda Reaper—**Geoff does seem to be the most random out of everybody. Just taking a ukulele out of nowhere… that's the stuff we're talking about. You'll see that this story breaks the fourth wall a lot. As you will see in this chapter, Cody's marking as a female will go to the max, especially when building the shelter. Whoa. For a second there, I thought you were asking when Noah was going to be out of the _character _cast. That would've been weird, cause you're a Noah fan. So when he's gonna be out of the body cast? You'll see soon enough. But I'll tell you this much… something big is going to happen with the body cast in the chapter after this one.

**Yman—**I agree. Phillip is nuttier than a ten-ton bag of peanuts smothered in peanut butter encased in a cashew the size of China, to quote a Noah.

**Twilight Cat 64—**Yeah, for the next couple of days, Ezekiel will never seem to catch a break. Justin is the perfect A-hole, because he's so vain and lazy. In fact, he _strives _to find ways to not have to do work. I also would have liked to have Izzy perform surgery on him (probably killing him).

**Noah914—**I agree, leaving Alejandro in quicksand was a little over the top, even for Noah. I think he was just annoyed that Alejandro was trying to manipulate him. And really, what could he do in that body cast?

**sithlorde1988—**I am definitely an Ezekiel fan, like you are. Most people didn't like his TDI time, but I thought he was pretty hilarious, if idiotic and rude, and pretty misguided. I think I'll use your idea for Blaineley as an obstacle, that'd be funny. Alejandro could definitely become an anti-hero in the near future. MY favorite Total Drama character? I'm not quite sure. I have a few favorites, but my one and only favorite? Noah's pretty high up there, along with Izzy. And I like Cody and Tyler, too. I'm also an Ezekiel fan, a Gwen fan, and a Heather fan. There are also plenty of others that I like. So I'm not sure.

**Day 5 Part 2—Chapter 17: The Storm's A'comin**

Chris Mclean: Here we are, deep in the woods, where the two teams have reached their campsites. Courtney is faced with the impossible task of climbing up a cliff face, while dodging hot oil poured by yours truly! Can she succeed, and win her team two hundred pounds of lumber to use in the immunity challenge?

Courtney: Of course I can. I'm a C. I.—

Gwen: Nobody cares!

Courtney: You want to go, Gothy McPunk Queen? (The two edge closer, snarling. However, Cody pops up in between them.)

Cody: Ladies, ladies, can't we all get along? (In response, Courtney grabs him around his neck and hurls him up into one of the trees, where he stays, hanging from a branch.)

Cody (from up in the tree): Oooh… feisty.

Courtney: I'll take you out, Gwen! I'll grind your bones into powder to brush my teeth! I hate you, and will always hate you! (She punches her fist into her hand. Suddenly, Trent comes up behind her.)

Trent (whispering in her ear): Remember. You two are in an alliance. (Courtney stops having a fit and turns to him.)

Courtney: Oh yeah. Forgot. (She turns to Gwen and forces a smile onto her face, grimacing as she does so.) Gwen! You know I didn't mean what I said.

Gwen: Then why are you reaching for that butcher's knife hidden in your back pocket?

Courtney: Oh, uh… I want to… uh… cut you a slice of cake! (Suddenly, Owen comes crashing through the bushes.)

Owen: CAKE?

Chris: Owen! Go back to the other camp! How'd you get here, anyway? The camps are ten miles away from each other!

Owen: Oh. I don't know. (He scratches his head, and walks away.)

Chris: Anyways, back to the challenge. You ready to rock and roll, Courtney?

Courtney: If "rock and roll" means cutting off your extremities one by one, then yes.

Chris: Nah, I'm good. C'mon Courtney! We've got this nice, safe safety harness you can use! (He throws a safety harness to her.)

Courtney: This is just a piece of dental floss! It won't support my weight!

Chris: Exactly.

Courtney: No! I won't do it!

Chris: Fine. But you ready to deal with your team if you refuse? I'm sure they wouldn't be too happy with you. (Courtney turns to see her team glaring at her and crossing their arms.)

Courtney: But it's monstrous! It's inhumane! It's completely life-threatening!

Chris: The three things that I look for when making a challenge. Now if you'll excuse me… (He snaps his fingers, and suddenly, he teleports to the top of the cliff, grinning down at them.)

Alejandro: How the heck did you get up there?

Chris: How should I know? (He throws down the dental floss, so it's hanging like a rope.) All you have to do is climb up, Courtney. Simple. There's nothing else to it. (Suddenly, Chef walks out of the undergrowth.)

Chef: Say, Chris, where was I supposed to plant the dynamite again?

Chris: Shhh! They weren't supposed to hear about that!

Noah: We all heard, you know.

Beth: You can't endanger somebody's life like this!

Chris: Well, too bad! Dynamite is awesome! (Courtney sighs and clenches her hands into fists.)

Courtney: I'm gonna do it. It's for my team.

Justin: That's the spirit, Courtney! Win this for us! Avenge my injury! (He gets up and starts jumping up and down, cheering. Suddenly, he notices everybody staring at him. He freezes up, and then falls back down to the ground.) Oh, I mean… I could cheer, but my legcussion… it's too painful.

Trent: Sure. Justin, can I talk to you for a moment?

Justin: If you must. Ladies! Bring me my crutches! (Lindsay and Cody run over, and give him two huge branches. Justin props himself up, and follows Trent into the forest, but not before flashing a smile at the camera.)

**Confession Cam **

**Justin: Showing my strategical side… I think it really helps my image. **

**Trent: So I took Justin into the forest, and told him that he was being an idiot. But, I told him, that's exactly what'll keep him in the game. If he can keep on being his erratic self, it keeps people from conspiring to vote off me, the real threat. If he is stupid, he'll stay. That's my motto. **

**End of Confessionals **

_**With the Killer Redwoods…**_

Geoff: What's the matter, Ezekiel? Don't like roasted tarantulas?

Ezekiel: How do I eat this thing, anyways? (He has a stick, and is poking the tarantula in wonder. Chef walks over.)

Chef: Well, I would suggest starting with the head. That's where the brains are. They're the juiciest part in the whole spider. But the legs are great, too. Nice and crunchy.

Ezekiel: Ohh…. I think I just lost the appetite I never had, eh.

Tyler: C'mon, man, get your head in the game! (He has forced his head through the top of the cocoon.)

Ezekiel: You're right! I'm getting me head in the game! (He hesitantly takes the tarantula, and slowly lifts it to his lips.)

Chef: Tastes like chicken.

Ezekiel: Be quiet! I'm connecting to the tarantula. I am one with the spider. One with the spider.

Geoff: Think of the spider, Ezekiel… with its creepy, crawly legs, and thousands of eyes…

Harold: Actually, spiders usually only have four pairs of eyes, amounting to eight eyes total. Get your facts straight.

Geoff: Whatever, dude. Do you really think you can eat that spider, Ezekiel? Do you really think you can?

Bridgette: Geoff, stop it! You're only making it worse for him!

Geoff: Hey, the dude deserves it! Ha! Ezekiel! You're so tough, eat the spider! Eat it!

Bridgette: Please, Geoff, stop! Who knows what kind of emotional damage you're causing him? Now he'll never be able to eat a spider, let alone _look _at one!

Ezekiel (patting at the corners of his mouth with a napkin, with spider juice staining his lips): Mmm… that was quite exquisite.

Bridgette: I stand corrected.

Chef: You've got a spider leg hanging off of your lip.

Ezekiel: Oh. (He quickly slurps the leg up, much to the disgust of his teammates.) What? It tastes good. I don't feel sick to the stomach at all.

Chris: And because Ezekiel was able to chow down with the arachnids—(He is cut off by a blast of vomit slamming into his face.)

Ezekiel: Urp… never mind.

Sierra: So where's our two hundred pounds of lumber, Chris?

Chris: Here you are! (He takes out a barrel filled with Lincoln Logs.)

Sierra: You _must _be joking.

Owen: Hooray! Tootsie Rolls! (He runs over, and pops one in his mouth. Immediately, he starts choking. DJ is just able to run over and slam his elbow into Owen's chest, making the Lincoln Log shoot out of Owen's mouth and bore a hole clean through the side of a tree.)

Bridgette: How do you expect us to build anything with _Lincoln Logs_?

Harold: Never fear, lady. I am a master architect with Lincoln Logs. I have constructed cities, palaces. I have been a ruler of my own Lincoln Log civilizations!

Chris: That's disturbing. Anyways, have fun with your new toys, kiddies! (He blows a kiss to them, and disappears into the forest.)

DJ: OK, guys! Let's get working!

Harold: Shhh… can't you see the architect is constructing? (He is carefully placing Lincoln Log upon Lincoln Log, in deep concentration.)

DJ (whispering): So, Sierra and Owen, you're our two strongest. Go look for lumber.

Tyler: _Ahem. _

DJ: Oh, uh, yeah… Tyler, you're also one of our strongest. You can help them. But how can you, when you're trapped in that… y'know, cocoon?

Tyler: Nothing restrains the Tyler! (He hops off into the forest, followed closely by Owen and Sierra.)

DJ: Katie and Sadie… you can, uh… talk gossip, or something.

Katie and Sadie: EEE!

Harold: Quiet, imbeciles! Hush your "eeeeeeeee's"!

Katie: Harold, you should totally try "eeeee"ing sometime. It's so fun.

Sadie: Yeah. Totally.

Harold: I will "eeeee" when we win this challenge!

Katie: Really? You'll "eeeee" for us?

Harold: Yeah, sure. Whatever.

Katie: Alright, Sadie! We have to win this challenge!

DJ: So, Ezekiel… you can do whatever Ezekiel's do.

Ezekiel: Yessir! (He starts to pick his nose.)

Bridgette: Ugghh. Can you do that elsewhere?

Ezekiel: Yessir. I mean, yes ma'am. Are you a ma'am?

Bridgette: Can you just go, now?

Ezekiel: Okey doke, eh. (He walks off.)

DJ: I guess that leaves Geoff and Bridgette. Why don't you two just have some private time? (He winks at Geoff, who grins back. Bridgette, however, just rolls her eyes.)

**Confession Cam**

**Bridgette: Geoff is seriously bugging me. He thinks he can just bully poor Ezekiel and get away with it! Right now, he's seriously reminding me of Duncan. **

**DJ: I gotta help Geoff out with the ladies. I feel like it's my duty. Now if only I could get one for myself…**

**End of Confessionals**

_**With the Screaming Ivy…**_

(Trent walks out of the trees, followed closely by Justin.)

Trent: So, how are we doing?

Courtney (from high up): I will kill you Chris Mclean! Ahhh! (With the dental floss tied around her waist, she has to quickly swing to the left to avoid the hot oil Chris has thrown at her. The oil, however, sets off a lot of the dynamite, leaving a huge hole in the cliff face.)

Beth: It's been going on like this for a while. She hasn't really been making any progress.

Courtney: I'd like to see _you _try doing this! (She inches upward, but that sets off some more dynamite, sending her spiraling and smoking all over the place, the string still holding her up. She slams into the cliff with a thud.)

Chris: Oooh. That's gotta hurt. (Instead of cringing, his face breaks into a huge smile running from ear to ear.)

Courtney: You horrible, sadistic man! Have you no empathy for anyone?

Chris: Hey, that's not very nice. I have empathy. (He starts to pout. Courtney takes this as a chance to start swiftly pulling herself up.)

**Confession Cam**

**Courtney: All I had to do to motivate myself was just think about how great it would be to wrap my hands around Chris's scrawny neck. (She starts shaking in her chair, and starts to strangle the sink faucet.) Oh, how I would like to do that!**

**End of Confessionals**

Justin: Ladies! Prepare me a bed so I can watch this challenge in luxury! (Cody and Lindsay quickly start making a bed out of leaves. However, Noah halts them.)

Noah: You don't have to do what he says. Do you _want_ to be tools?

Lindsay: I'm a tool? Am I a hammer?

Noah: God. Never mind.

Justin: Face it, Noah. They're under my slavish command.

Cody: I'm not.

Justin: Yes you are!

Cody: I'm just doing this to impress Gwen. (He looks over at her and flexes his muscles proudly.)

Justin: Whatever. But as you can see, Noah, we know who's going next. And that's _you_. So you might want to make your last day on the island as enjoyable as possible.

Noah: In that case, I will. (He promptly rolls over Justin's foot.)

Justin: Ow! Now you've completely ruined all the pedicures that went in to sculpting that foot!

Noah: Sorry.

Justin: You don't sound sorry.

Noah: Too bad. (He rolls off. Suddenly, there is a scream from overhead and Courtney crashes to the ground, drenched in oil.)

Chris: Oh, and Courtney just couldn't hold on! Looks like you won't be winning that two hundred pounds of lumber!

Gwen: Thanks a lot, Courtney. (Courtney is about to take out a rifle and shoot her, but restrains herself.)

Courtney (grinding her teeth together): I'm… sorry. I… should have… done… better. (Her left eyelid starts to twitch.)

Gwen: It's fine. We just need to start collecting stuff to build our fort.

Izzy: Oh! I know! I know! (She runs off.)

Noah: Oh no. Who knows what kind of stuff she went to get?

Beth: Guys, we need to all just look for lumber and bring it back here. Got it?

Justin: Yeah! Oh, and guys? When you're building the fort, make sure to make me a tanning bed.

Lindsay: Will I get to go in it?

Justin: If you're lucky. (He winks at her.)

Lindsay: Eeeeeeeeeeeee! (Everybody disperses to go find lumber, except for Justin and Noah.)

Justin: What are _you _doing here? You should be out collecting lumber!

Noah: Yeah, because I definitely _can_.

Justin: Whatever. Can you just move a little that way? You're sucking the beauty out of me being so close. (Noah rolls his eyes.)

**Confession Cam**

**Noah: You have to deal with people like this wherever you go, Noah. In every office building, there are people like that. You know that. You know that! The world is filled with idiots! If you took all the idiots in the world, they could fill an ocean! **

**End of Confessionals**

_**Back at Camp….**_

(Ezekiel is leaning against the wall of Chris's trailer, picking his nose. He takes out his finger and examines it.)

Ezekiel: Hmm… this one has an interesting formation. (He flicks it into the water. Suddenly, a head pops up.)

Izzy: Hello, interesting life form.

Ezekiel: Gah! Sea monster, eh!

Izzy: Ha ha! No, silly, it's me! Izzy!

Ezekiel: Why are _you _here?

Izzy: I'm looking for stuff to build a shelter with.

Ezekiel: Hey! Me too, eh! What have ya foond?

Izzy: Oh, nothing much. (She holds up a sunken ship, and hurls it out into the ocean.) I don't know, that thing just wasn't speaking to me. (She dives back under.)

Ezekiel: Hmm… (He glances over at Chris's trailer, and a grin suddenly spreads over his face.)

**Confession Cam**

**Ezekiel: It's time for me to prove my worth to the team. This will show them I'm a useful competitor! I just hope Chris and Chef don't take it too hard. **

**End of Confessionals**

Geoff: So, Bridge… you wanna talk?

Bridgette: Not really. (She picks up a piece of lumber.)

Geoff: Why… why not?

Bridgette: You haven't been acting like the Geoff I know.

Geoff: And who's the Geoff you know?

Bridgette: A Geoff that's lighthearted, and dimwitted! That's the Geoff I know! Not one who bullies Ezekiel like that!

Geoff: Hey, he's mean to me, too! He touched my hat last night! (He looks around, as if someone is about to jump out and steal his hat.)

Bridgette: You need to get rid of that hat, Geoff. It's just making you paranoid.

Geoff: NEVAR! (He grabs his hand and jumps around, striking karate poses.)

Bridgette: See what I mean?

Geoff: Listen, Bridge, you know I love you more than a box of Lucky Charms, and that means something. And if you want me to stop being so mean to Ezekiel, then so be it. But if we lose tonight… you have to agree to vote with the rest of us and off Ezekiel. Otherwise, you could be the next to go. (Bridgette thinks about this for a moment, and then sighs.)

Bridgette: Alright.

Geoff: Good. Now let's make out.

Bridgette: Nah, I don't feel like it.

Geoff: You don't feel like it? WHERE IS THE BRIDGE I USED TO KNOW?

Bridgette: She'll come back once the Geoff _I _used to know does. (And with that, she scoops up a log, and stomps away.)

**Confession Cam**

**Geoff: Okay, Bridge has seriously been a downer. I told her I loved her more than a box of Lucky Charms! And that's saying something, seriously. Now if I had just said I loved her more than a box of Cheerios, that wouldn't be that big a deal. But Lucky Charms! With all the different little multi-colored marshmallows! They're magically delicious! **

**End of Confessionals**

_**With the Screaming Ivies…**_

Courtney: C'mon! There's no wood in this forest!

Gwen: Yep. Except for the thousands of trees.

Courtney: Yeah, but could anybody chop it down?

Alejandro: Senoritas, you know that the Alejandro can do it. (He starts to take a step towards one of the trees, but Cody steps in front of him.)

Cody: This actually looks like more of a job for the ninja master, the Code-meister.

Alejandro: Are you sure about that—

Cody: Hush! He is concentrating, the ninja is. (He closes his eyes, and walks up to one of the trees. He tenses up.)

Beth: What's he doing?

Cody: Shhhhh! A ninja needs his concentration! (He shuts his eyes again, and tenses up. With a yell, his hand chops through the air and slams into the trunk of the tree. Nothing happens for twenty seconds. Then the tree starts to split.)

Alejandro: How did you do that?

Cody: Ha ha! I really have no idea—(He is interrupted as the trunk slams down upon him, crushing him underneath. Everybody just stands there, looking at the spot where Cody was standing. Then Alejandro speaks up.)

Alejandro: Well, at least now we have the lumber.

Gwen: How could you say that? Cody's probably dead!

Courtney: There's no chance he survived.

Gwen: And thank you for confirming what I just _said_!

Trent: Well, a guess a moment of silence is in order for Cody.

Alejandro: Nah, we haven't got the time. C'mon guys. Let's roll this baby back to camp. (Beth, Gwen, Courtney, Trent, Lindsay, and Alejandro all get up behind the trunk and start to push it. Underneath is a flattened Cody. However, he inflates and pops back up, grinning.)

Cody: Awesome!

Trent: How is that possible? What is this, some sort of cartoon? (There's an awkward silence after that.)

**Confession Cam**

**Trent: We don't live in a cartoon… do we? (Suddenly, Chris's head pops out of the toilet.) **

**Chris: Yeah. If we were in a cartoon, could I do **_**this**_**?**

**Trent: Uh… yeah. That's the **_**only **_**place you'd be able to do that. **

**Chris: Oh. Well then I love being in a cartoon! (He dives back into the toilet.)**

**Trent: Pervert. **

**End of Confessionals**

_**Back at Camp…**_

Ezekiel: Heh heh heh… (He sneaks around the side of Chris and Chef's trailer, and peers in a window. There, he sees Chris and Chef sitting on a couch and watching a romantic comedy, a box of tissues to share between them.)

Chef (dabbing at the corners of his eyes): I gotta tell ya, Chris, this is one touching movie.

Chris: You like it? I've got a full box of romantic comedies! (They start sorting through a big cardboard box filled with DVD's. Ezekiel steps away from the window.)

Ezekiel: This shouldn't be too hard, eh. (He grabs onto the end of the trailer and starts to shake it. The whole thing rumbles, bouncing up and down.)

Chris and Chef: EARTHQUAKE! (The two run out, screaming, and jump into the lake. Ezekiel takes this as a chance to start pushing the trailer away. He disappears into the woods. Chris and Chef stick their heads out of the water and look around.)

Chris: Say, where'd our trailer go? (Suddenly, Izzy surfaces behind them.)

Izzy (in a sing-songy voice): You just got played! You just got played!

Chef: Shut up, crazy girl! Dang! Now we aint got no trailer!

Chris: Aw, and there were so many romantic comedies we could've watched… (He turns to Chef and smirks.) I think it's time we give the campers a taste of the storm. (Chef grins evilly, and gets out of the water, climbing up onto the dock. He offers a hand to Chris, who gladly takes it.)

Izzy: Aww, you guys are so cute together!

Chris: I know, right?

_**With the Killer Redwoods…**_

DJ: Well, we couldn't find anything, Harold. How are you doing with your Lincoln Logs?

Harold: Excellent. The palace is almost done! (He puts the final Lincoln Log on.) There. Finally, after hours of hard work, it is complete! Now, nobody move. It will fall over with the slightest touch. (Suddenly, there is a loud crash, and a trailer comes roaring up the pathway, crushing the Lincoln Log castle.)

Harold: Chris! You… you… (He falls to the ground, unconscious.)

Sadie: Thanks a lot, Chris. Now Harold won't "eeeeeeee" for us!

Ezekiel: Who's this "Chris" you speak of? (He steps out from behind the trailer.)

Sierra: OMG, I _so _didn't see that coming!

Tyler: Dude, where did you get that thing?

Ezekiel: Who cares? Everybody c'mon in! (The Killer Redwoods enthusiastically climb in. Immediately, they are taken aback. There is a hot tub, a full Nintendo Wii system, a mini basketball court, a huge flatscreen TV, a refrigerator stocked with tons of food, and beds for everyone.)

Geoff: Dude, sweet crib! (He runs over and opens one of the cabinets, and finds tons of different kinds of cereal.) This is like a dream come true!

Tyler: You got that right! (He turns on the TV, and it immediately switches to a basketball game, the Lakers v.s. Warriors.) This is awesome! (DJ, meanwhile, is dribbling a ball on the court.)

DJ: Alright, who wants to play a little B-ball?

Owen: I'll take you up on that offer!

Tyler: You're on! (The two run over, and the three of them start playing. Ezekiel, meanwhile, is relaxing in the hot tub. Geoff steps in without taking off his clothes, a huge bowl of cereal in his hands.)

Geoff: Wow, the hot tub really enhances the Corn Puffs experience! I gotta say, Ezekiel, this is really awesome of you.

Ezekiel: Oh, it's nothing.

Geoff: No, no, it's something. I want to repay you for this. So… you can touch the hat. (He leans his head over.)

Ezekiel: Uhh… thanks. (He tentatively touches the hat. Geoff leans back again, munching his corn puffs.)

Katie: Hey, Harold, wake up! (The two grab him and stuff his face in the hot tub water. Harold's eyes shoot open, and he screams. Then he looks around.)

Harold: Did I… build this? Has my architectural vision finally come true? The support! The structure! The vibrancy! I have truly become an architect!

Sadie: No, silly, you didn't build this! Ezekiel stole it from Chris!

Harold: But… but… my Lincoln Logs…

Katie: Harold, you know the deal. You have to "eeeeeee" for us!

Harold: Errr…. I don't know if that's a good idea.

Sadie: C'mon, Harold! Just "eeeeee" with us! "Eeeeeee" "Eeeeeeee"…

Harold: Fine! (He brings back his chest, and screeches as loud as he can. Suddenly, all the windows break.) Oops.

Katie: No no, Harold! That was awesome! A true "eeeeeee", if you ask me.

Geoff: I think a toast is in order! (He holds up a glass filled with Raisin Bran.) To Ezekiel! (Everybody else raises their glass.)

Killer Redwoods: To Ezekiel! (Suddenly, everybody hears a rumbling in the distance.)

Sierra: The storm's a'comin.

Ezekiel: I don't matter, eh! We got the best crib on the island!

Bridgette: The wind's picking up.

Ezekiel: That don't matter, either, eh! No wind will stop us!

Owen: Now we're lifting off the ground.

Ezekiel: Oh s***.

_**With the Screaming Ivies…**_

(The Screaming Ivies are scrambling to build shelter with the lumber they have, but it's obviously not enough.)

Justin (sitting in a luxury chair): Go team! Go team! Go team! Go!

Trent: Can you please shut up for a second? We have to build this thing! (They all hear a clap of thunder in the distance. Dark gray storm clouds are starting to appear in the distance.)

Cody: Gwen! Hold me! (He tries to jump into her arms, but she steps out of the way at the last second, and he slams into the shelter, knocking it over.)

Trent: And just when I thought things couldn't get any worse.

Lindsay: Don't worry, guys! Tyler will save us!

Noah: Tyler is ten miles away, in case you didn't know.

Alejandro: Quick! Everybody take shelter under my massive pecks!

Noah: I'd rather not, thank you very much.

Beth: Let's face it, guys! We're doomed!

Izzy: Never fear! Izzy's here! (She runs over, lugging three humongous crates.)

Gwen: Uhh… what's in there?

Izzy: Oh, just some dynamite. (She notices everybody staring at her.) What? (The wind starts to pick up even more, and Justin's hair flies off into the sky.)

Justin: Somebody get that hair!

Lindsay: Oooh, I'll get it! (She runs around, trying to catch it. Meanwhile, Alejandro is digging a hole. Once he thinks it's deep enough, he stops and gazes down.)

Alejandro: Everybody jump in! (Everybody follows him into the hole. Taking a piece of bark, he covers up the opening.) That should be sufficient.

Courtney: This hole is awfully small. (Cody spurts out laughing.)

Gwen: Perv. (Suddenly, there's a pounding on the bark above them.)

Lindsay: Hey! You forgot to let me in! I've got the hair!

Justin: Quick! Let her in, let her in!

Trent: Too dangerous. Sorry, Lindsay, you'll just have to brave it out on your own.

Lindsay: Oh. OK. (She skips off into the storm, humming happily. The rest of her team waits in an anxiety.)

Beth: So… scared… the suspense is killing me!

Cody: Eh, I'm not scared. (Little does everybody know that he has already wet his pants five times. Everybody waits for another five minutes.)

Alejandro: Say, maybe there is no storm—(Right as he says this, the rain starts to beat down, and a bolt of lighting slams right into the bark, setting it on fire.) I stand corrected.

**Confession Cam**

**Alejandro: It was possibly the craziest storm ever… it was like a tornado, an earthquake, a tsunami, a hurricane, and a thunder storm, all at the same time! **

**Cody: I wasn't scared. (As he says the, this wet spot on his pants grows even larger.)**

**End of Confessionals**

_**With the Killer Redwoods…**_

Bridgette: Everybody just hold onto something! (The trailer is now spinning out of control inside a vortex. Rain is beating down everywhere. Geoff is nervously stuffing his face with cereal when the bowl flies out the window.)

Geoff: NOO!

Tyler: Whoa. Wild ride, Ezekiel!

Ezekiel: This isn't part of the plan! We gotta make sure this thing don't get too beat up, eh!

Sierra: Don't worry. It won't. Chris's trailer is made of heavy diamond-plated titanium.

DJ: Then how is it able to move around inside a vortex?

Sierra: How should I know? This is a cartoon! (Harold, meanwhile, is just playing Nintendo DS.)

Harold: It is best just to remain calm at a time like this. (Suddenly, his Nintendo DS runs out of power.) WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE! (He runs over and sticks his head out the window. Flying around inside the vortex is Geoff's cereal bowl, a ton of trees, and Chef, riding on a broomstick. He smiles and waves.)

Katie: OK, that's seriously creepy.

Ezekiel: Gentlemen, if we don't survive this, I want you to know our time together was extraordinary.

Sadie: What about the ladies?

Ezekiel: What? Oh yeah, you two, eh.

DJ: I don't wanna die! (He runs over to the window and jumps out.)

Geoff: DJ! (Everybody runs over to see the brickhouse shooting around inside the hurricane. Suddenly, DJ slams into a bird.)

DJ: No! Not a bird! (Next, he slams into a raccoon.) No not a raccoon! (It goes on like this for minutes, him slamming into helpless animal after helpless animal. Suddenly, Ezekiel gets an idea.)

Ezekiel: DJ! You gotta get to the machine at the top of this storm, and shut it off! You think you can do that?

DJ: No!

Ezekiel: Too bad! You have to!

DJ: But… I'm scared!

Ezekiel: Then why the heck did you jump out the window, eh?

DJ: Nervous habit!

Owen: Don't worry, DJ! I'll go with you! (He tries to jump out the window, but gets stuck.) Never mind.

DJ: Alright. I'll do it. (He slowly climbs higher and higher into the clouds, until the rest of the Killer Redwoods can't see him anymore.)

Ezekiel: It's all up to him, now. This is the moment of truth.

Tyler: Say, who wants to play some basketball!

Ezekiel: Stop it! You're ruining the moment of truth! (The Killer Redwoods all sit back and wait. Chef, still riding his broomstick around in the thunderstorm, turns to the camera and starts the sign off.)

**Can DJ stop the storm and win his team a thirty minute head start on the way back to camp?**

**Will Noah ever get out of the body cast? **

**What other surprises are in store for our campers?**

**Can Geoff and Bridgette's relationship last?**

**And who will be voted off in the next crazily dramatic chapter of**

**Total Drama Returns!**


	18. Day 5 Part 3: The Storm Is Here

**Total Drama Returns**

The Cheesebub's Message: Not a lot of reviews last chapter. Whatever. It was kind of rushed and boring, anyway. I'm trying to get to 100 reviews, hopefully from this chapter. All I need are 7 reviews from you guys. The 100th reviewer wil be recieving a prize, of sorts. You'll find out.

**Noah914— **You really like Noah. Big surprise…What? You don't like GeoffxBridgette? Oh well. It's just that it's pretty much the only canon couple left on this show… I also don't know where Beth's pig went. If this were a better fanfiction, things like that wouldn't happen. Since when was Cody _not _a perv? But _especially_ pervy Cody makes for great material, yes. Katie and Sadie are still hooked together. Thanks for being one of the few to review!

**Panda Reaper—**Oh, so Fanfiction went down? Aha! I knew that it wasn't my poor writing skillz that prevented people from reviewing! At least, I hope not… Did you find out what Lincoln Logs are? I used to play with them all the time. I think Chris and Cody are the biggest perverts on the show. Maybe they could have a "pervert" competition. Yes, he wet his pants next to the toilet. That is the magic of Cody. Thx for reviewing when barely anyone else did!

**HexMaster—**Justin? You will see this chapter if you are correct. Thank you for the review!

**Chris Mclean TDR—**Total Drama Reloaded? Did you know it's called "Total Drama Revenge of the Island" now? But yeah, if I saw this sort of stuff happened on TDR, I might wet myself in joy. Thank you for the review!

**zana—**Well, here I am, writing more. I hope you enjoy this chapter. Thx for reviewing!

**Day 5 Part 3—The Storm Is Here**

Courtney: OK, how long do we have to stay down here in this pit? This is seriously demeaning! (She suddenly hears a voice from underneath her.)

Cody: Eh, I don't know. I kinda like it.

Courtney: Pervert! Get out from under me!

Cody: Hey, I am what I am. And I can't move a muscle.

Alejandro: We shouldn't have to stay here too much longer. Here, I'll go check. It sounds like the storm might be over. (He climbs up, pushes the bark away from the opening, and sticks his head out. Immediately, a gust of wind carries him up and away, flying off into the distance. Rain starts to pour down into the pit.)

Beth: Oh no! Alejandro just got attacked by the storm! (She thinks for a second, and then grins.) Hooray! Alejandro just got attacked by the storm!

Trent: He just floated away, as if he were as light as a feather!

Gwen: That's why he should eat more. (Meanwhile, Justin looks at his shirt, and realizes that it is drenched.)

Justin: Gah! Close the pit! Close the pit! I'm getting WET!

Noah: It's too late. We have to get out of the pit, anyway.

Justin: Why?

Noah: Because in a few seconds, we're about to get some—

Beth: MUDSLIDES! (The ditch is starting to cave in on itself, mud splattering everywhere.)

Justin: Now I'm getting DIRTY! Can this day possibly get any worse? (As he says this, a chunk of hail slams into his head, knocking him unconscious.)

Trent: Everybody! We need to get out of the pit in an orderly fashion! (After he says this, everybody starts scrambling to get out, causing a ton of erosion.)

Izzy: I'll take the cripples! (She grabs Noah and Justin.)

Noah: No way! I'm not putting my trust in you!

Izzy: Do you want to be buried alive? Actually, that might be fun.

Noah: No no! You can get me out of here! But how?

Izzy: Izzy is a natural digger mole! (With that, she digs a hole into the side of the wall and disappears in, pulling Noah and Justin in with her.)

**Confession Cam**

**Noah (spitting out mud): Egads! Why is it that the injured people always just get more injured? Like Izzy is mentally?**

**Izzy: I love digging! (She starts to dig into the wall, creating a hole, and sees that Chris is staring in at her.) Wow, that's creepy. What are you doing?**

**Chris: Uh… nothing. (He runs off.)**

**End of Confessionals **

Trent: Huh… huh… finally! We're all out! (He looks around, and sees that he's the only person out of the pit.) Well, at least all the important people are.

Gwen (scrambling to grab onto something to pull herself up): You goddamn bastard! Help some of us!

Cody: I will, Gwen! (He starts push his hands into her butt.) I'll push you up!

Gwen: Pervert.

Cody: I'm not! I'm just trying to help you!

Gwen: I don't need your help! (A flash of lighting splits the sky, illuminating the whole forest.)

Courtney: Lightning!

Gwen: Great observation, Sherlock.

Courtney: That's it! Cody, let me push her up. And why don't I use a skillet to do it?

Gwen: Cody, just keep pushing. I'm almost up.

Cody: Sure thing, babe. (He pushes as hard as he can, and Gwen is able to grab onto Trent's ankle.)

Trent: Hey! Who said you could use me as a handhold?

Gwen: Just pull me up! This whole pit is eroding! (Trent thinks for a moment, and then stares grimly down at her.)

Trent: I'll help you up, on one condition.

Gwen: And what's that?

Trent: You can't vote for me tonight if we lose.

Gwen: Even though you're most likely going to vote for me?

Trent: Hey, it's your choice. (Gwen pauses, and then sighs.)

Gwen: OK. I won't vote for you.

Trent (grinning maliciously): Good. (He helps her up. Together, they help the rest of the team out of the pit.)

Beth: OK, so let's see who made it. (She looks around to see that the only people standing around her are Trent, Gwen, Cody, and Courtney.) Oh no! We're missing half the team!

Cody: We know that Lindsay ran off into the forest somewhere, and Alejandro floated away in the wind… But where'd Izzy, Noah, and Justin go? (Suddenly, Izzy pops her head out of the ground.)

Izzy: Hiya! (Suddenly, she hears muffled screaming underneath her.) Oops. I think Justin and Noah are suffocating. (She pulls herself up, and then drags Justin and Noah out of the ground, as well. All three are covered in mud.)

Justin (after spitting out mud): Ewww… does anyone have a toothbrush? I need my minty fresh breath back!

Noah: Who cares about your minty fresh breath? I think there's mud clogging the gears of my wheelchair! Somebody will have to push me on the way back.

Justin: Well, it certainly won't be me. (He sits down, and points at his knee.) I have a legcussion.

Izzy: I'll carry you, Justin!

Justin: No, I'd rather not break all the bones in my body, thank you.

Noah: Yep, unlike ME. I need help!

Trent: Before we even think about doing anything, we have to wait until the storm's over. While we're at it, everybody go look for Alejandro and Lindsay. We need to find them.

Cody: Based on the patterns of the wind, Alejandro has probably already floated out to sea.

Trent: Well, we can at least save Lindsay. Actually, she probably already was struck by lightning. So… I guess we can arrange some casualties when we get back to camp.

Gwen: You sicko!

Trent: Hey, you can go search for them. But I'm gonna get some rest before the hike back. (He sits down under a tree for shelter, and leans against it.)

Beth: But… Lindsay!

Trent: Hey, you can save her. I'm not stopping you.

**Confession Cam**

**Trent: I really don't care about the kind of impression I make on my team at this point. I have a strong alliance with Alejandro and Justin, and Courtney still seems to somewhat be in a voting alliance with Gwen and Izzy. I know now that Gwen can't vote for me tonight. And even if she can convince everyone else to, it won't be enough. Courtney can just convince Izzy to vote Gwen, and if I have my alliance vote for Gwen, five votes will be enough, due to the fact that only four votes will be for me. **

**Owen: Wow, that was a strategic confessional up there. I guess it's time for **_**my **_**strategic confessing now… (He pauses for dramatic effect.) I like cake. Didn't see that coming now, did you?**

**End of Confessionals**

_**Up in the Storm…**_

DJ: WAAAAA! (A gust of wind shoots him the other way.) WAAAAAA!

Bridgette: You're doing great, DJ! Just believe in yourself! (Owen walks over to the window, a slab of ham tucked under his arm.)

Owen (his mouth full): Yeah! (Suddenly, the whole trailer lurches.)

Katie: It's the end of the world, Sadie!

Sadie: Hold me! (The two clutch each other, sobbing.)

Sierra: Hey, wait a minute. Why is the cabin lurching towards wherever Owen is standing?

Geoff: Owen, dude, you gotta stand in the middle! That way, we'll be perfectly balanced! Hear that, Bridge? I know my physics! (He starts to do a little dance, when suddenly, there's another lurch, and he goes flying out the window, screaming.)

Tyler: Oh no! My fellow jock bros! (He jumps out after them.)

Sierra: Jumping out of the trailer is not accomplishing anything!

Ezekiel: It is in my book, eh. Is that how you say it? Together, with the poower of friendship, they are able to accomplish great things.

Sierra: Why are you talking to me? (Meanwhile, outside the trailer, the three jocks are swirling around in the hurricane.)

Tyler: This is awesome! It's like, the ultimate test of my physical durability! (Right after he says this, he slams into the trailer with a thud.)

DJ: You guys came for me!

Geoff: Well, duh. I'd never let you do it by yourself.

Tyler: Didn't you just fall out of the trailer?

Geoff: Well, yeah, but that's beside the point. Now, let's go see if we can shut off the weather control thingy. (Suddenly, they hear a voice from above.)

Chef: It aint just a weather control thingy! It's _my _weather control thingy! (They look up to see him riding on the weather machine, a giant black ball with gears spinning around it.)

Harold: Whoa! He is constructing a storm using molecular properties and forming the negative energy with nucleic formations!

Bridgette: Does that even mean anything?

Harold: It does in my book.

Tyler: Let's go, dudes! (The three of them start to move up towards the weather machine. This makes Chef start to panic.)

Chef: Hey! Stay away! (The three continue to climb toward him.) Oh. Oh. I see how it is! Then it's on, fools! (He presses a big red button on the front of the vessel, and suddenly, hail chunks the size of cars starts falling at them.)

Tyler: Ha! That won't stop the Tyler! (He punches upward at one of the hail chunks. There is a loud crack. The hail doesn't break. However, Tyler's knuckles do.)

Tyler: Ow. (The hail chunk then slams into him, leading him straight to the ground, where he is crushed underneath it.)

Owen: Oh no! Not Tyler! (He starts to sob, stuffing his face with cupcakes.)

Geoff: We can still stop Chef! (He grabs onto the bottom of the weather machine, and has to quickly dodge a gear that goes spinning by his groin.)

Chef: Hey! Get off! (He presses another button, and an electric current runs through the whole machine. Geoff continues to make his way up, his hands sticking to the outer shell of the ball.)

Geoff: Ha, dude, I need some better volts than that!

Chef: If you say so. (He turns on a switch, and suddenly, with a loud zap, Geoff's hair spikes up, along with every other hair on his body. He starts to smoke, but keeps on climbing.)

Geoff: Ha! Ha…

DJ: Geoff! Are you okay?

Geoff: Never… been better! (His pupils are expanding and contracting rapidly.)

DJ: I'm coming, too! (After dodging an extremely large chunk of ice, he also grabs onto the machine.)

Chef: DJ, you know you've been like a child to me… If you get off, I won't have to hurt you.

DJ: Chef… give me your best shot. (Right after he says this, a bolt of lighting slams into his head.) Well, he gave me his best shot.

Katie: Oh no! DJ!

DJ: I'm fine. Truly.

**Confession Cam**

**DJ: I can now say I'm one of the few people who have been struck by lightning and survived! Now, I'm pretty sure anyone else would die. But why didn't I? Why? (He pauses.) Oh yeah. This is a cartoon.**

**End of Confessionals**

Chef (talking to himself): C'mon, Chef, think! What can you do to stop them? Hail? You did that. Rain? You did that. Lightning? You did that. Electrocution? You did that.

Geoff: We're here, Chef. (Chef whips his head around to see Geoff and DJ standing on the platform he is standing on.)

DJ: Now, Chef, we don't wanna hurt ya…

Geoff: HIYA! (He lashes out with a kick into Chef's groin. Then he beats his fist down on Chef's head, followed by an uppercut into his jaw. The cook hits the platform, unconscious.)

DJ: Don't you think that was a bit overkill? (But Geoff isn't listening. He is at the controls now, examining all the different buttons and dials.)

Geoff: Hmm… what does this one do? (He turns one of the knobs. A huge blast of fire erupts underneath him. He quickly shuts the knob off.) Not that one. How about this one? (He reaches out to press a large black button with a skull and crossbones on it, but his hand is stopped by DJ.)

DJ: Probably not that one. Why don't you just press the off switch?

Geoff: I don't know which one that is.

DJ: How about the one that says "off" in large block letters on the handle?

Geoff: Are you sure about that one?

DJ: Just pull it! (Geoff reluctantly does. Meanwhile, down in the trailer, everybody is waiting for the end when suddenly, all the black storm clouds pull away, revealing an evening sunset with a rainbow stretching over it.)

Ezekiel: Errrr…. weird climate.

Sadie: Hooray! Geoff and DJ did it! Geoff and DJ did it!

Bridgette: Then how are we still suspended in midair?

Owen: Uh oh. (The trailer stays in the air for just another second, then goes rocketing down, and slams into the ground with a thud. Everybody gets out, groaning and clutching their backs.)

Sierra: Not exactly a "luxury" landing. (Meanwhile, Tyler is still trapped under the hail chunk when it melts, drenching him in cold water. Shivering, he runs over and looks around.)

Tyler: Hey, where's the storm? I wanna be the hero!

Katie: Too late! DJ and Geoff already saved us! Aren't they _soooooo_ heroic?

Sadie: Oh, yes. We've got two amazing heroes on our team! (With that, Geoff and DJ come flying down, riding the weather machine. Right after they step out, Geoff is pelted by a hug from Bridgette.)

Bridgette: I knew you could do it. (Meanwhile, Ezekiel is watching this, his left eyelid twitching. Tyler comes up and pats him on the back.)

Tyler: It's okay, dude. You'll get your chance soon.

Ezekiel: You got that right, eh. (He walks off, rubbing his hands together.)

Harold: Okay, now where's an outlet? My Nintendo DS is in serious need of a charge!

Sierra: We're in the middle of the forest! There's no electricity anywhere! (Harold walks over to the weather machine, and finds what seems to be an outlet.)

Harold: This should work. (He plugs it in, and immediately, there's a loud zap, causing the Nintendo DS to explode. Harold stands there, his eyes blank. Then he takes out another Nintendo.) Good thing I always keep a spare! (Suddenly, Chris pops out from the bushes.)

Chris: Hello, Killer Red—WHAT THE F**K? Why do you have both my trailer and the weather machine? Those are _mine_!

Ezekiel: Hey, I guess we just have a knack for stealing valuable pieces of equipment from you, eh.

Chris: No! Those are mine! MINE!

Bridgette: Hey, the trailer's shelter. And it seemed to survive the storm.

Chris: No! (He thinks, and then grins.) And because you stole my trailer, you don't get the thirty minute head start, no matter what the Screaming Ivies built!

Bridgette: That's a loud of bull—

Chris: I don't have time for this! And also, because you happened to take my trailer and the weather machine, you'll have to lug them both back to camp! (And with that, he disappears.)

**Confession Cam**

**Bridgette: Chris doesn't know how to be a host! You don't make a team lose their advantage just because they annoy you. **

**Chris: Oh, we have to take that out of the final cut. I can't have people seeing those campers get the better of me… (Suddenly, he hears a voice from outside the bathroom.)**

**Chef (from outside the bathroom): But they did. **

**Chris: Nobody needs your commentary, mister! **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: Congratulations, Screaming Ivy! (He has arrived at their campsite, to find it ravaged, with trees, logs, and upturned bushes lying everywhere.) You've won the thirty minute head start! (Cody peeks his head up from behind the log.)

Cody: Really? The other team's fort was that bad?

Chris: No… but they stole my trailer, so I'm letting you guys have the head start.

Justin: Ha! We don't need a head start!

Courtney: Shut up! Yeah we do!

Chris: Well, assemble your team, and you can set out right now. (He walks away.)

Courtney: C'mon, guys! Let's move!

Beth: But what about Alejandro and Lindsay?

Trent: They'll find their way. For all we know, they're already back at camp. Now let's go!

Justin: Not so fast. I need to be carried.

Trent: Fine. Cody and Izzy, you carry him.

Justin: Make sure to use my luxury bed.

Izzy: You got it! Wow, you're really stuck-up. It's pretty awesome.

Justin: I'm not stuck-up! You're just a crazy girl, anyway!

Noah: What about me? I can't push myself.

Trent: I'll push you. (He grabs onto Noah's handles, and slowly pushes him forward. The whole time, Noah is looking at him suspiciously.)

**Confession Cam**

**Noah: I was a little suspicious while Trent was pushing me. For all I know, he might push me into a pit of acid! Another person off his list. **

**Trent: I have my suspicions about Noah. Tonight… I'll see if these suspicions are true. **

**End of Confessionals**

_**At the Killer Redwoods campsite…**_

Chris: Alright, Killer Redwoods. It is my disappointment to tell you that you can also start making your way back to camp.

Tyler: Woo! I'll push the trailer!

Bridgette: Are you sure about that?

Tyler: Certain! (He flexes his muscles proudly.)

DJ: Are you sure you don't want a little help from me?

Tyler: DJ, I don't need your help. (He chuckles, and starts to push the trailer. It doesn't even move an inch. Tyler digs his heels into the ground, and pushes harder, his face turning red.) COME ON! COME ON! (DJ walks over, and gives the trailer a flick. This sends it rolling down the trail.)

Tyler: Heh… I could've done that.

Sierra: Okay, now who's gonna pilot the weather machine?

Geoff: Me! Me! I know how to work it!

DJ: Actually, Geoff, I think I should pilot.

Geoff: No! I'm piloting! You can't stop me! (And with that, he hops onto the platform and rises into the air. Then he shoots off into the distance, heading for camp.)

DJ: Now all we have to do is hope he doesn't press any random buttons. (As he says this, Geoff presses a random button, making a beam of light blast down into the forest, obliterating anything under it.)

Geoff: That was a cool button.

DJ: Yeah, I think we better run as fast as we can. Make sure to duck and cover.

_**With the Screaming Ivies…**_

Justin: C'mon, you slackers! You can run faster than this!

Cody: Dude, how much do you weigh?

Justin: Not that much! I think you just need to buff up. (Suddenly, he grits his teeth.) Oh, the legcussion is getting too painful! I need a massage, to ease my pain.

Izzy: OK! (She starts to reach toward him, but he slaps her hand away.)

Justin: No! Not you! Who knows what you might do to me?

Noah (from his wheelchair): Yeah. I've gotten an Izzy massage. Not fun.

Trent (pushing forcefully from behind): Man, Noah, you seriously have a heavy body cast!

Noah: Yeah, well, my injuries were very severe, the doctor says.

Trent: Oh really. (He raises an eyebrow, but says nothing. Instead, he starts to think to himself. Suddenly, everyone sees a break in the forest.)

Courtney: Hey! Look! It's an opening in the distance!

Beth: It must be the finish line! (They all burst out and find themselves back at Camp Wawanakwa, with Chris and Chef waiting for them.)

Chris: Welcome, Screaming Ivy. Looks like you're the first ones here!

Justin: Yes! I knew I could believe in you guys! Now, seriously, somebody get me some grapes. (The Killer Redwoods burst out of the woods, followed by the trailer, which roars by and slams into a tree.)

Sierra: No! We lost! (The rest of the team puts their heads down in shame. Geoff lands on the ground, still sitting at the controls of the weather machine.)

Geoff: Chef, this is possibly the sickest ride ever.

Chef: I know. (He walks over and smiles at Geoff, who smiles back. Then Chef's face contorts into a scowl.) NOW GET OUT! (He grabs Geoff by the collar and hurls him off the platform.)

Gwen: So we get invincibility?

Chris: Not so fast. Looks like you guys are missing a certain Latino hottie and ditsy blonde.

Trent: Who, Alejandro and Lindsay? Oh, they uh… they got swept away in the storm. You always have a few casualties. (Suddenly, Alejandro floats down out of the sky, with Lindsay clinging to him.)

Alejandro: Alas, the Alejandro is not dead. And neither is this beautiful lady.

Lindsay: Hee hee hee… thank you.

Alejandro: You see, when I was swept away, I realized my gorgeous chest was so flexible that I could contort my pecks into wings. And with that, I picked up the gorgeous Lindsay, and we flew all the way to camp. We had a wonderful overhead view.

Lindsay: It was fun. And did you know we're on an island? I just found that out!

Courtney: Can you quit reminiscing? Because of you guys, we didn't win invincibility!

Ezekiel: So that means we did? Hooray! (The whole teams starts to cheer.)

Justin: Aw, come on! (He gets up and angrily stomps his foot. Suddenly, he realizes everyone is staring at him.)

Gwen: Isn't that the leg where your "supposed" legcussion is?

Justin: Uh… yes? (Then he falls to the ground again.) Oh! My legcussion! It is so painful!

Courtney: Yeah, right. You've been bluffing all this time!

Justin: No I haven't.

Courtney: Yes you have!

Justin: No I haven't. I've been severely injured.

Courtney: Whatever. (She angrily rolls her eyes.)

Chris: Well, Killer Redwoods, enjoy invincibility tonight. And Screaming Ivies… I'll see you guys tonight, where you will choose the fifth person to send to Playa de Losers, to join up with the vengeful and bloodthirsty Heather, Duncan, Eva, and Leshawna. Choose carefully, for the person you send might not come back alive.

**Confession Cam**

**Trent: There are plenty of people who should get the boot tonight. As much as Gwen is a priority, I know that there's somebody else who needs to go. **

**Justin: Stupid, incompetent team. I have to do all the work!**

**Alejandro: I am afraid I could be on the chopping block tonight. But hopefully, the team will see that I am much better than Lindsay in the long run. It's not like I'm always manipulating people! (He pauses.) Only… most of the time. **

**Lindsay: That was so fun flying with Alejandro! I felt like I was in that movie, Mary Poopins! Or was it Poppins? **

**Ezekiel (rapping): Oh yeah! A win for us, eh! Me and me homies, serve it up all day! Never let the haters, tell ya how to play! Ezekiel the bomb just blew the challenge away! (At the end of the rap, he falls headfirst into the toilet.)**

**End of Confessionals**

**Campfire Pit**

Chris: Well, well, well… here we are again, Screaming Ivy. You guys have technically lost the last three immunity challenges, if you don't count the one on Total Ezekiel Island. I don't want to say that you guys are a group of uncoordinated losers, but you kind of are.

Justin: Not me!

Chris: Yes, you. Now, I have, uh… carry the one… plus three… nine granola bars on my plate! But there are ten uncoordinated losers sitting before me. So that means that one of you will not be receiving one.

Beth: What if two people split one of them? Then are we all safe?

Chris: Nope. Though clever idea. And that's why you're the first person to receive one.

Beth: Yes! (She grabs a granola bar.)

Chris: Now, these next wto uncoordinated losers aren't quite as uncoordinated as the rest of you. Trent and Cody, take your granola bars.

Cody: Oh yeah! (He tries to high-five Trent, but Trent doesn't even look at him.)

Chris: Izzy, Gwen, and Courtney… you're all safe.

Gwen: Wow, really?

Izzy: Aw, and even after I voted for Gwen again?

Gwen: You voted for me again?

Izzy: Yeah! Aren't I a great alliance member?

Gwen: How hard is it for you to know that you don't vote for the person you're _in _the alliance with? (The whole time, Trent is watching this and smirking.)

Chris: Quit smirking, you're freaking me out. Now, Noah, wheel yourself on up and take a granola bar. (Noah grins, and takes a granola bar. It seems that he can use that arm fine. Trent is watching this, and raises an eyebrow.)

Chris: OK, now stop raising your eyebrow! It's making me really freaked out. So… Justin, Lindsay, and Alejandro. All of you could be going home tonight.

Lindsay: Wait, you mean all three of us? Really?

Chris: No, I mean that any one of you could be the one eliminated. Seriously, it's like talking to a brick wall!

Beth: C'mon, just give Lindsay her granola bar now! (Chris shrugs, and throws a granola bar to Lindsay.)

Chris: You're safe. Congratulations. (Then he turns to Alejandro and Justin.) Hm. The two pretty boys. Sadly, one of you will have to leave, making this camp's physical image much less beautiful. Now, why doesn't each of you tell me why you think you have received so many votes?

Alejandro: Well, it's obvious I let the team down when I arrived late and lost the challenge for them. Also, my leadership during the building challenge was not exactly exemplary.

Chris: What about you, Justin?

Justin: There's no reason! I'm perfect! (This causes a chorus snickers.) What? It's true.

Chris: Well, it's time we gave the final person their granola bar. (He holds up a granola bar.) One of you will be receiving this. The other won't. Prepare yourself. (Justin clings to Alejandro, trembling.)

Chris: The final granola bar goes to…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

Alejandro!

Alejandro: Nice! (He walks up, and takes the final granola bar. Then he turns back, to see Justin sitting slumped in his chair.) Oh, sorry. Where are my manners? (He holds out a hand to Justin. Justin snarls, and then slaps his hand away.)

Justin: I don't need this place, anyway! Now I'll get to relax at Playa de Losers, while you guys have to compete! Ha! (He stomps off, and hops into the Boat of Losers.)

Alejandro: Justin! Amigo! I am sorry!

Justin: And I'm sorry that I ever met you! And seriously, this place looks way less beautiful now. (With that, the boat speeds off.)

Trent: See ya, Justin. I hope you heal from your fake injuries.

Chris: Well, Screaming Ivy, the rest of you guys are safe. For tonight. Go back to your cabins, hump each other, or whatever you do. And I'll see you bright and early tomorrow morning, for another fun day! (Everybody groans.)

**Screaming Ivy Cabin (Males)**

Alejandro (to Trent): Well, that seriously sucked. We lost an alliance member.

Cody: Plus, Chris put another wall in! Now I won't be able to be with the ladies!

Trent: Oh, don't worry. This game is still ours. And another peephole can easily be carved. (Suddenly, he notices that Noah is rolling out of the cabin.) What are you doing, Noah?

Noah: Um, I have to go somewhere. (He rolls quickly away into the night.)

Trent: Excuse me for a moment, guys. (He gets up out of bed and follows Noah out the door. He sees the bookworm heading for the woods. Silently, he follows. Noah rolls farther and farther into the forest, until he comes to a clearing.)

Noah: Whew. This thing just makes me more claustrophobic the longer I wear it. (He presses a button hidden under one of the armrests. Suddenly, to Trent's surprise, the cast splits open.)

Trent (muttering under his breath): What's going on? (Noah steps out of the body cast and stretches, bathed in moonlight. He looks perfectly healthy.)

Noah (looking down at his wheelchair): You're gonna be the key to my success, buddy. Remember, it's all about the sympathy vote. (Trent squints his eyes, and sees Noah stepping back into the cast. Quickly, the guitar player runs off, before Noah can see him. He heads straight for the camera room. This is where they keep the footage of everything that's happened in the game. Trent tries to open the door. To his surprise, it isn't locked.)

Trent: Let's see what's been going on, dorkus. (He walks in and steps up to a large screen, replaying footage from the Great Quintathlon. He flips through it with a remote until he finds the scene where Owen rolls down the hill at Noah. He watches carefully. It looks as if Owen is about to crash into Noah. But no. Owen hits a bump in the road, sending him flying up and over the bookworm. But that doesn't stop Noah from sitting there, screaming and calling for a medic. Trent shuts off the TV, and smirks.)

Trent: You think you can fool us all, Know-It-All. But you have no idea. Because now, I have the evidence to end your time here on Total Drama Returns. (And with that, he walks out of the camera room, shuts the door, and makes his way back to the cabin.)

**What will Trent do to Noah with the evidence saying that he has been faking his injury all along?**

**Is Ezekiel on good terms with his team?**

**What sort of drama will most likely be stirred up by someone? (As if there isn't enough already!)**

**And what will be the next crazy challenges the campers have to have?**

**Find out on the next dramatic, friendship-straining episode of**

**Total Drama Returns!**

**Eliminated: Heather, Duncan, Eva, Leshawna, Justin**

**Still in the Game: ****Noah, Katie, Sadie, Cody, Trent, Lindsay, Beth, Harold, Tyler, Izzy, Owen, Sierra, Alejandro, Gwen, Courtney, Geoff, Bridgette, DJ, Ezekiel**

**Note: Sorry to all Justin fans. His storyline was primarily for the beginning episodes. He did not have any true endgame. I myself am fond of the model, but it was just his time to go. I hope you don't want to kill me.**

**On a side note: What do you think of the Noah body cast twist? Kind of unexpected, right?**

**Votes: **

Cody—Alejandro

Alejandro—Lindsay

Gwen—**Justin**

Courtney—**Justin**

Justin—Alejandro

Izzy—Gwen

Trent—**Justin**

Lindsay—Lindsay (on accident)

Beth—**Justin**

Noah—**Justin**

**Justin: 5**

Alejandro: 2

Lindsay: 2

Gwen: 1


	19. Day 6 Part 1: FriendInABox

**Total Drama Returns**

The Cheesebub's Message: Sorry about a delayed update, but there's something else I need to talk about right now. Here's a sad truth of the matter. I believe that someone cheated in the competition. I could be completely wrong. But I asked someone, they said that it definitely sounds like some foul play was involved. You see, the 98th, 99th, and 100th reviews were all within three minutes of each other, anonymous, and had really strange names. So, I think someone cheated. However, the contest will continue, but now with a random number that I've already chosen. You don't know what the number is. Only I do. This way, there will be no cheating. Sound good? Also, there's a poll up asking what the prize should be. Vote! I beg of you! Also, for those who have already read the chapter, I have never played Pokemon. I just know the basics of it. One other thing… Survivor Redemption Island is gonna be awesome now! Ometepe eating itself from the inside out… a great way to cap off the last couple of episodes! One final thing! How do you like the new format for the chapters on the scrolling menu? Now it says Day_ Part _ instead of just Chapter_. Better? Worse? Anyways, on to responding:

**Noah914— **I thought you did like Noah, because he is in your name. I'm glad you didn't wait to be the 100th reviewer. Also, thanks for helping me decide on what to do about the foul play.

**2lazy2login—**Well, the couples from Season 3 didn't last long, if you're at this chapter yet. And yes, Ezekiel will be "normal". But that's only a relative term, as you will see this chapter.

**Nagasha—**Yeah, there's no way I would keep Noah in a body cast for that long unless it had some relevance.

**Panda Reaper—**Please make fun of Justin as much as you like. He is quite the annoying specimen. What was the Chris line that made you choke? Was it when he was spying on Izzy? I also hope they get well in Japan. It's quite the tragedy over there. Two eathquakes within weeks of each other… just bad luck, I presume. And don't worry, Noah's gonna fight back against Trent.

**Hbl, bob the bad manegar, and Did you know (who I assume is the same person)—**I'm not angry with you. I just think that you cheated, even if you didn't realize it. I'll still respond to your reviews. I was kind of sad to see Justin go, unlike most. Thanks for saying my Geoff is well done. I take pride in knowing my Geoff is well done. Chris built the wall to keep perverts like Cody away from the girls. Even though he himself is possibly the biggest pervert on the show. Harold and Beth both don't have a story yet, I know. But they'll get their own in good time. Maybe.

**HockeyGal09—**Yep, putting Ezekiel into the cast works well. Don't worry about Gwen just yet. For now, it seems she has the target off her back.

**Chris Mclean TDR—**It is very tragic for Justin, but he kind of deserved it. I am a fan of both Alejandro and Trent, so I'm also happy they're still in the game (even though I'm the one who controls if they are or if they aren't.) I think I said that Blaineley wasn't going to be in the cast, but instead, an obstacle for the campers to face during the finals. Also, as you obviously are a TDR fan, have you seen the newest trailer for it? It looks frickin' awesome!

Chris Mclean: Last time on Total Drama Returns… The campers had to participate in a challenge that involved hiking ten miles one way, building a fort to withstand a massive storm, and then hiking back! All in one day! And if that wasn't enough, the drama was raging under the boiling sun. Justin managed to tick off most of his team with his supposed "legcussion", and his incessant whining and bossing everyone around. Trent saw this as a way to take the target off of his own back, so he told Justin to continue what he was doing. Meanwhile, with the Killer Redwoods, the entire team planned on voting off Ezekiel, especially Geoff, who was paranoid that the homeschool would steal his girl. However, things changed when Ezekiel won them a reward, _and_ was able to steal my trailer to use as shelter for the storm! Which, by the way, IS COMPLETELY NOT THE SAME NOW THAT YOU GUYS TRASHED IT! The Screaming Ivy was able to get back to camp first due to a thirty minute head start, but was missing Alejandro and Lindsay, so the Killer Redwoods won. It seemed positive that either Alejandro or Lindsay would get the boot, but it ended up being Justin, with his narcissism and fake injury! Speaking of fake injuries, Trent discovered that Noah's been faking all along, so he doesn't have to work as hard in challenges! What will Trent do with this new info? And what crazy drama is most likely going to crop up, with just a little stirring by yours truly? Find out here on today's exciting episode of Total Drama Returns!

**(Theme Song Plays)**

**Day 6 Part 1—Chapter 19: Friend-In-A-Box**

**Killer Redwoods Cabin (Males)**

Tyler: Ha! Five eliminations, and the six of us dudes are still standing strong! Woo! (He takes out a liter of soda and starts chugging it.)

Owen: Yeah! I'm so happy, I think I just pooped my pants! (He notices everyone staring at him) What? I'll get a change of underwear!

Geoff: Whatever, dude. I'm just happy I don't have to sleep under you.

Ezekiel: But I do! He was farting in my face all night, eh!

DJ: It's OK, dude. You'll get used to it.

Geoff: Yeah, dude. Since you're the newbie here, you have to deal with it. The rest of us dudes—

Harold: Hold it! (He glares up from his Nintendo DS, and starts counting on his fingers. When he is done, he scowls.) You guys have a limit of five "dudes" per day. You've uttered six! That's one "dude" over the limit!

DJ: Sorry, dude.

Harold: Seven! This is unacceptable! Here I am, trying to play some video games, and I am forced to bathe in your vulgarity!

Owen: I'm sorry! I'll wear underwear!

Harold: Silence! There is a dude limit, and you're speeding right past it!

Geoff: Dude, it's not my fault I have to say "dude".

Harold: Nine! That's now nine "dudes" today! (Suddenly, Trent sticks his head through the window.)

Trent: Did somebody say nine? (His head pops back out.)

Harold: That was random. But listen now! Your vulgar language will be the end of me soon enough! So, I am declaring an official "dude" fast!

DJ: Dude! That's ridiculous!

Harold: Hey! You're already breaking the fast!

Tyler: Why should we have to fast off of saying "dude"? That word can be used to describe everything!

Harold: That's the point! You should be using real words! Ways to fully express what you're thinking! (He looks over at Owen, and watches a fly buzz through one ear and out the other.) Or, in some cases, what you're _not _thinking.

Ezekiel: Heh! This should be a piece of cake for me, eh! I don't even know what "dude" means!

DJ: Hey! I got it! How about the first person to break the fast has to clean up Owen's underwear for the rest of the competition?

Geoff: I like that, d—(He quickly stops himself, and tries to come up with a replacement.) Uh… um…

Harold: How about "respectable individual"?

Geoff: Uh… sure. Let's go with that. (Suddenly, Chris appears in the middle of the room.)

Chris: Hello, campers!

Ezekiel: Gah! How'd you get in here, eh?

Chris: My new awesome teleportation device. I can sneak into your room at any time.

DJ: That's creepy.

Chris: Hey, it saves me a lot of time. Now, head outside and wait while I go wake the other campers. And then we can start today's reward challenge!

Tyler: Can't you give us any time to relax?

Chris: What do you think my answer to that question will be? (The boys reluctantly shuffle outside. Chris watches them, and then takes out a remote control.)

Chris: Now time to go wake up the ladies! (He disappears, but the Killer Redwood guys can hear him on the inside of the girls side.)

Chris (muffled): Hello, ladies! Time to wake up—(Suddenly, there is a lot of screaming and thwacking, and a few seconds later, Chris is thrown out, his hair tousled and his body covered in bruises. Sierra walks out after him, wiping her hands off.)

Sierra: I do think you're uber-yummy, Chris, but that was just going too far.

Sadie: Yeah! Don't offend us ladies like that!

Chris: Oh, you're a lady? Oops. I forgot.

Sadie: Hey!

Katie: Don't let him get to you, Katie. I think you're a lady.

Sadie: You really do?

Katie: Of course!

Sadie: Awww… that's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me! (The two hug passionately.)

Chris: Ahhh… the beauty of friendship… but you guys better get ready, because today, that beauty is about to get real ugly!

Bridgette: What do you mean by that, you Satan?

Chris: Oh, you'll see. First, let's wake up the Screaming Ivy! But in a different way, so I don't get sued for child molestation. (He snaps his fingers, and suddenly, a bomb is dropped through the chimney of the cabin. There is an earth-shaking explosion, and the Screaming Ivies run out in their pajamas, their hair scorched.)

Gwen (coughing out smoke): *hack* What is your f**king *hack* problem?

Chris: Oh, don't be mean to me. I did what I had to do to get you guys awake.

Courtney: You could've just politely knocked on our doors, like a _normal _person!

Chris: Oh, but that's not as fun.

Noah: I'm already injured enough. Do you really need to make me any more messed up? (As he says this, Trent smirks to himself.)

**Confession Cam**

**Trent: I have two different pieces of evidence to use as blackmail. One's for Chris, and one's for Noah. I have a picture of Chris and Chef together, and footage that proves that Noah isn't actually injured. But the thing with blackmail is, you always have to be smart with when you use it. I can use the Chris picture whenever I like. I'm thinking of taking Noah to the final 2, and then showing everyone the footage. There's obviously going to be a jury of eliminated contestants, so it will pretty much give me the money. **

**Chris: Woo… that Trent sure is good. So good, I'm not even concerned about the fact that he has a suggestive picture of Chef and I. (He pauses for a moment, smiling. Then his face breaks into horror.) HE HAS A SUGGESTIVE PICTURE OF CHEF AND I?**

**End of Confessionals**

(The campers are chatting away, when Chris waves his hand through the air.)

Chris: No more talking! Enough games, children.

Alejandro: Oh, come on. It seems like everything you do is one big game!

Chris: Aw, still a little depressed about losing your precious Justin? I'm sure you'll get over it.

Alejandro: Justin sealed his fate. There was nothing I could do to prevent it.

Chris: So true. Just a show of hands, how many of you like Justin? (Nobody raises their hands.) Good. Then I'm sure you'll enjoy this footage of Justin arriving at the Playa de Losers!

Beth: Why do you have to show us that?

Chris: Because it's hilarious! (With a snap of his fingers, Chef rolls in a large flat screen TV.) Why thank you, my dear gentleman.

Chef: Watch it. I don't need any of your sass right now.

Chris: Ooh… feisty. (He takes out a remote, and presses the "on" button. The campers lean in and watch what's on the screen. Justin is shown stepping out of the Boat of Losers.)

Justin: Ugghh… Chef drove that thing like a maniac… And I got water all over my perfect hair! (He starts to apply lip gloss, staring at his reflection in his hand mirror and smiling.) Well, Justin, you still have your looks. That's all that matters. (Suddenly, Eva jumps out of the bushes and starts mauling him.)

Eva: Eva no like Justin! Eva HATE Justin!

Justin: That's great to know! Now can you get off of me? You're totally scratching up my fake cheekbones! (However, Eva continues to maul him, tearing out his hair, until the video shuts off. Everyone turns to see Chris rolling on the ground, laughing hysterically.)

Bridgette: What was so funny about that?

Chris: He was severely injured! Ha! Classic! (He gets up and brushes off his suit.) So… ready to get to today's reward challenge?

Everyone: NO!

Chris: Good. Now, tell me Katie, how good friends are you with Sadie?

Katie: Best friends!

Chris: I knew it. I'm so smart. Anyways, as you competitors may have figured out by now, today's challenges will be done in pairs. And specifically… your best friends!

Cody: Is it another make-out challenge?

Chris: Dude, that's sick. Why would I have you make out with your best friend? (Then he starts tapping his chin.) Though, now that I think about it…

Courtney: Don't even.

Chris: Fine. I might as well pair you off right now.

Harold: What if we don't have any friends?

Chris: Hmm… talking about yourself there, Harold? Everybody has somebody they at least get along with.

Noah: Not me. Everybody annoys me.

Trent: Speaking of which, how's that cast been annoying you, Noah?

Noah: It's fine, I guess. Why do you ask?

Trent: Oh, I don't know. It just seems that you might have to get up and _stretch _every so often. (When he says this, Noah glances around nervously.)

Noah: Uh… that's impossible. Most of the bones in my body are broken.

Trent: Of course. (His eyes narrow.)

Chris: Mmm… the smell of dramatic tension… delicious, I tell ya. I think I see the perfect pairing.

Noah: But we're not even friends!

Trent: Oh, we know each other quite well. Better than you might think, Noah.

Noah: You're creeping me out, dude. (When he says this, all the Killer Redwood males besides Harold clench up.) What's wrong with them?

Harold: Oh, they're just on a "dude" fast. Hearing you guys say it makes them go crazy.

Cody: Dude, I can't believe you dudes can't say dude! Poor dudes!

Ezekiel: Stop it, eh! I can't hold in much loonger!

Geoff: You're nothing compared to me! I feel like there's a bomb inside of me that just wants to explode!

Izzy: What happens to the person who says "dude" first?

DJ: You don't wanna know.

Courtney: I've never said "dude" in my life, and I don't plan on doing so any time soon.

Alejandro: You just said it, right there.

Courtney: That doesn't count!

Alejandro: Yes, it does.

Courtney: No, it doesn't!

Alejandro: Yes, it does.

Courtney: No, it doesn't!

Chris: Enough! If you don't stop it, I'll dude the dude of the dude dude and dude your dude, you dude!

Harold: And that is the perfect example of why I hate modern slang.

Chris: We need to start today's challenge, dudes. So, let's see… (He takes out a list.) After much observation, we've paired you up with whom we assume is your best friend. Noah and Trent… you two are already together. Gwen and Izzy, you're paired up.

Izzy: Hooray!

Gwen: You're gonna make me perform some crazy challenge with _her_?

Izzy: Don't worry, Gwen! I'm a black belt in karate!

Gwen: Really?

Izzy: Well, I _was _a white belt, but I mugged one of the instructors and stole his belt. So now I'm a black belt! (Gwen slaps her hand to her forehead.)

Chris: Beth and Lindsay… need I say more?

Lindsay: Eeeeeee! Beth, we're together! Aren't you so excited?

Beth (unenthusiastically): Yeah. I'm real excited.

Lindsay: Really? You don't sound very excited.

Beth: No, I am. Trust me.

**Confession Cam**

**Beth: I'm fine with Lindsay. But I think sometimes she's just a little superficial. And shallow. And not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.**

**Lindsay: Hmm… (She sits there, deep in thought. Then her eyes light up, as if she has had a revelation.) I like magazines!**

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: Alejandro and Cody are together.

Alejandro: Ah, amigo, are you ready to win this challenge for our team?

Cody: Oh yeah, Al! Let's rock it! (He turns to Chris.) But how am I best friends with Al?

Chris: Yeah, this is one of the random pairings. We were planning on putting Alejandro with Justin, but he left. But you two seem to at least get along, so we put you together.

Cody: At the end of Season 3, he knocked me into shark-infested waters, where I was swallowed whole!

Sierra: Which I saved you from, by the way.

Cody: I know! But do you count that as "getting along"?

Chris: Hey, there's always time to make up. So, let's see who's left on the Screaming Ivy.

Courtney: Wait a minute. There's only nine people on the team! And I'm the only person left!

Chris: Unfortunately, that means you have to be with Chef.

Courtney: _Chef_? Why do I have to be with that imbecile?

Chris: Hey, you can always be with me, gorgeous Chris Mclean.

Courtney: Chef it is.

Chris: I'm not going to take offense at that. Chef, how do you feel about this pairing?

Chef: Time to shoot myself.

Chris: Hey, we don't need emo chefs. We need bright and cheery chefs! Now, time for the Killer Redwoods. Geoff and DJ, that's an obvious one. (Geoff and DJ high-five.)

DJ: Ready to kick some butt, du—I mean, respectable individual?

Geoff: Totally, respectable individual. (Bridgette snickers at this.) What?

Bridgette: It's just funny hearing you say that. Do you even know what "respectable individual" means?

Geoff: Of course I do! (There is a moment of silence. Geoff doesn't say anything after that.)

Ezekiel: _I _know what it means, m'lady.

Bridgette: Uh… good to know. (Ezekiel grins proudly.)

**Confession Cam**

**Ezekiel: I just gotta get Bridgette to notice me, eh! If having a good vocabulary is what it takes, then so be it. **

**Sierra: Eeeeee! I caught some signs of Bridgzekiel! It's my fave couple, along with Justowen, Trentney, ChrisChef, Gweather, LeHarold, KatieXSadie, Nizzy, and of course, Coderra! **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: Now, we've got Katie and Sadie together. That's a big shocker.

Sadie: EEEEEEEE! It's like we're soul mates or something!

Chris: Or two annoyingly screechy twins who seriously need to shut up. Bridgette and Sierra, you two are kinda friends. So we're putting you two together.

Sierra: "Kinda friends"? We're best friends! (She squeezes Bridgette, and then whispers in her ear.) Now you can tell me all about your relationship with Ezekiel!

Bridgette: What relationship? I don't have a relationship with Ezekiel! I don't even like him! (Ezekiel hears this, and sighs.)

Chris: Aww… poor Ezekiel. Well, your punishment gets even worse. You're with Harold.

Harold: Nice! Ready to show them our skillz, Ezekiel?

Ezekiel: Yeah, sure, eh. Whatever.

Chris: And that leaves Owen and Tyler.

Tyler: Alright! Ready to make some noise, big guy?

Owen: Yeah! (He lets out a loud fart.)

Tyler (plugging his nose): Not that kind of noise!

Chris: Well, there we have it. Our pairings. Ready to see what the reward you'll be winning is? (He lifts a large blanket away to reveal a huge picnic table covered in barbecue ribs, hamburgers, French fries, steak, root beer, and barbecue chicken.) You'll get to feast on a delicious barbecue!

Gwen: Seriously?

Chris: Nope! This is for Chef and I. (Everybody groans.) However, you do get one healthy Portabella mushroom burger each.

Owen: Oh, c'mon! I hate healthy!

Tyler: Yeah, and I don't think "Owen" and "healthy" exactly belong in the same sentence.

Owen: What's that supposed to mean?

Chris: Ooh, tensions are already amounting. And those tensions are about to snap, right here! Here's the deal. Each of you will be locked in a wooden crate with your best pal. You will have no food, no water, no nothing. It's really simple. Once you can't stand your BFF anymore, you just have to knock on the inside of the crate three times. We'll let you out. Maybe. (He smirks at this last comment.) The team who has the last couple still in their crate wins the reward.

Katie: This should be a snap, Sadie!

Sadie: Yeah. Remember that time we spent ten hours in the bathroom together?

Katie: OMG, that was so fun!

Sadie: Sooooooooo fun.

Noah: Soooooooooo disturbing.

Katie: You just are, like, bitter at the world, Noah.

Noah: Amazing. You know me so well.

Trent: I also know you well, Noah. _Very _well.

Noah: Um, okay. That's good to know.

**Confession Cam**

**Noah: Trent's definitely got some dirt on me that he's hiding. But what could it be? I've got nothing to hide. Besides the fact that I've been faking my injury all along so I have an excuse not to try hard in challenges, and don't get any votes when we lose because everyone feels sympathetic for me. Other than that, nothing. **

**Katie (sitting with Sadie): One time, Sadie and I took a bunch of soggy pasta noodles and strung them together to form replicas of ourselves!**

**Sadie: I, of course made Katie, and Katie made me. To get her replica to look like her, I used linguini, to represent her beautiful, sleek figure. **

**Katie: Ha, I remember that! To get **_**your**_** image perfectly, I had to use tortellini. **

**Sadie (glaring): Oh really. **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris (wiping his hands off on his shorts): There. All locked up. (He has just locked the last of the wooden crates, so now everyone is crammed inside. Almost immediately, three pounds come from the inside of one, along with muffled yells. Chris casually strolls over.)

Chris: What's going on, Tyler?

Tyler: Help! This crate is way too small for us! Owen's suffocating me! (Suddenly, there is a loud fart.) AHHHHHHH!

Owen: Ooo… shouldn't have had those rotten eggs this morning.

Chris: Tsk, tsk… I expected better. Aren't you a jock, Tyler? Shouldn't you be able to withstand anything? Including Owen?

Tyler: A jock's gotta have his limits! Now let me out!

Chris: Eh, I don't feel like it. (He walks away.)

Tyler: No, wait, come back! (Owen lets loose another fart, right into his mouth, making him choke.)

**Confession Cam**

**Tyler: OK, something happened to Chris when he was very young that seriously affected the part of the brain that controls any conscience. He is completely evil! Now, if you'll excuse me… (He then proceeds to barf into the toilet bowl 17 times.)**

**End of Confessionals**

**Crate de Lindsay and Beth**

Lindsay: So, Bernetha, what do you want to talk about? I know! Shopping!

Beth: We always talk about shopping, Lindsay. Can't we talk about something else?

Lindsay: What, you don't like shopping? But you could totally use a new wardrobe! We could get you some actual clothes! (This is meant to be a nice suggestion, but it comes out sounding like a horrible insult.)

Beth (glaring): Oh really.

Lindsay: Yeah! Aren't I so nice?

Beth (sarcastically): Real nice. (Lindsay, looks around calmly, and then suddenly goes into panic.)

Lindsay: Where's Tyler? I want Tyler!

Beth: He's not here, Lindsay.

Lindsay: Really? Where is he?

Beth: He's in another crate.

Lindsay: No! Tyler! I'll save you!

Beth: Wait, Lindsay, no—(But Lindsay has already sprang up, and hit her head on the top of the box with a loud thunk. She falls backwards, clutching her forehead.)

Lindsay: Wow! I _soooooooo_ didn't see that coming. (Beth rolls her eyes.)

**Crate de Chef and Courtney**

Chef: Listen girl, I don't like you, and you don't like me.

Courtney: Ew… you're breath smells like chopped liver!

Chef: Had it for breakfast. But that's besides the point. (He leans in, and lowers his voice.) Nobody would ever expect for you and I to be in an alliance.

Courtney: No thanks. Maybe if you got that horrible gap of yours filled.

Chef: This aint no gap! This is a tooth that I lost when I got into a fight with a grizzly bear! I'm a strong man! Now, about the alliance…

Courtney: Why is it that every season you have to go and manipulate someone?

Chef: You don't know what it's like, being a lonely cook… Never gettin' any respect… bein' the ridicule of your peers… NEVER GETTIN' YOUR STUFFED UNICORN! WAAH! (He bursts into tears.)

Courtney: Are you okay, Chef?

Chef: Do I look okay? (Suddenly, he takes out a butcher's knife, his eyes rolling around crazily.) Hee hee hoo hoo ha… (He starts to wave it around in the air.)

Courtney: Uh… Chris? Chef's going psycho! (Chris casually strolls over.)

Chris: Oh yeah. He does that some times. Doesn't like enclosed spaces.

Courtney: HELP ME!

Chris: All you have to do is knock three times.

Courtney: No way! I'm going to win this challenge, and no stupid maniacal chef with poor dental hygiene is gonna stop me! (With that, she slams her foot into Chef's groin, making him drop the knife in agony. She picks it up and waves it at him disapprovingly.)

Courtney: You'll get this back once you gain your sanity.

Chef: Knifey! Knifey! (He tries to grab at it, but Courtney slaps his hand away.)

Courtney: No no no. Bad boy. Now go have a time-out. (Chef sighs, and turns away from her.)

**Confession Cam**

**Courtney: Discipline is one of my main skills. I always bring a few detention slips to hand out in the hallways at school. Gives me a great reputation with the teachers! And I only get a few death threats a week! **

**Chef: I don't know how that girl got the better of me. (He points to his arm.) See these scars? Ya see em? Those scars came from my time on the warfield, brother! These show my courage, my leadership, and my duty to serve this place we call Canada! I fought out there long and hard, and these are my tokens, as proof! Proof that I will fight to the end! (A tear forms in his eyes.) Cause… cause these scars are battle scars, baby! I… I LOVE MY COUNTRY! (Suddenly, Chris's head pops through the window.)**

**Chris: Those aren't battle scars. You got those when you accidentally stabbed yourself with a fork, remember? **

**Chef: Shuddup, fool! I'm havin' an emotional moment here!**

**End of Confessionals**

**Crate de DJ and Geoff**

DJ: Man, Geoff, this fast… it's sucking the energy out of me!

Geoff: D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-…

DJ: Geoff? What's going on?

Geoff: Du-du-du-du-du-du-du…

DJ: Don't say it, Geoff! You can hold it in!

Geoff: DUUUUUUUUUU...

DJ: Geoff! Please! Stop!

Geoff: Phew. I think it's over. I overcame that spastic attack. But, man, I think I gotta say it soon. The word is bubbling up inside of me.

DJ: Geoff, man, we know the price you gotta pay if you say the word.

Geoff: I know… I know… (Suddenly, they hear a voice from the crate next to them.)

?: You know you want to…

Geoff: Gah! Who was that?

?: You know you want to…

Geoff: Harold! I recognize your voice.

Harold: Whatever, man. You know you want to.

DJ: Harold! Go do your own thing! And we'll do ours!

Harold: Fine. Gosh. (He turns to Ezekiel, and shrieks in horror. The homeschool is fiddling with his Nintendo DS in wonder.)

Ezekiel: What's this, eh?

Harold: That, my dear Zeke, is a Nintendo DS.

Ezekiel: Eh? Well it sure is fun. (He picks his nose, and then wipes it off on the screen. Harold shrieks even louder.)

Harold: Wha-what are you doing?

Ezekiel: Aint it some sort of high-tech tissue?

Harold: Not at all! It's a Nintendo DS! It's for playing games! Like Pokemon!

Ezekiel: Pokemon? What's that?

Harold: Only the best game evar! Here, I'll show you. (He quickly turns on his Nintendo DS, and Ezekiel leans in eagerly.)

**Confession Cam**

**Ezekiel: Oh my god! Pokemon is awesome, eh! Harold showed it to me, and noo I can't get it oot of me mind! (Suddenly, he whips out a rock.) Here's my capturin' device! Gotta catch em all! (Suddenly, there's a knock on the door.)**

**Tyler: Ezekiel? Are you almost done?**

**Ezekiel: A pokemon! Gotta catch em all, eh! (He slams open the door and hurls the rock at Tyler. It slams into Tyler's head, and he falls over, unconscious. Ezekiel rubs his hands together in excitement.)**

**Ezekiel: A poowerful pokemon, eh! You're all mine! (He grabs Tyler and drags him away.)**

**End of Confessionals**

**Crate de Cody and Alejandro**

Cody: So, Al, how's life?

Alejandro: _What is life? Is it a virtue, or a fierce, constraining embodiment? The flower of power can show the way and respect the individual hearts of every soul!_

Cody: Uh… excuse me? Do you have to go to the bathroom or something?

Alejandro: _The white hot sand of the beach sweeps around the burrito, filling it. This is not a burrito, but a means of hope. Of death. Of all that is great and heavenly! _

Cody: Oh no! Alejandro! He's dying!

Alejandro: I'm not dying! Reciting poetry helps me calm myself! You should try it.

Cody: I'd rather not. I need to seem like a manly man when I ask Gwen out tonight.

Alejandro: Really? (Then his face breaks into a grin.) Good for you, amigo! You're learning to manipulate!

Cody: What? No, this isn't manipulating. This is the real deal. I think Gwen is the girl for me. And I bet you anything that Gwen thinks that I'm the boy for her.

Alejandro: Well, if that's the case, I have a tux I can lend you.

Cody: No, no tux. Just my normal stylish fashion.

Alejandro: Are you sure she likes you?

Cody: Duh. How could she not like me?

Alejandro: Uh, well, for one, you kind of are a perverted bastard.

Cody: Your point?

Alejandro: Never mind. You do what you want. (Cody whips out a bottle of cologne and starts spraying it in the air. He sniffs the cloud that forms.)

Cody: Perfect. Just the right kind of cologne. What do you think, Alejandro? (Alejandro takes a whiff, chokes, and falls to the floor, unconscious.)

Cody: Oh, don't be like that. You know it smells great. And I smell even better! Tonight, I become a man!

**Crate de Bridgette and Sierra**

Sierra: So tell me all about this new fling with Ezekiel.

Bridgette: "New fling"? There never was a fling, and there will never be a fling!

Sierra: Why not? It's not like you're going out with anybody.

Bridgette: Uh, does the name "Geoff" ring a bell?

Sierra: Okay, well there's that, but I've, like, studied the Total Drama relationships. Yours has not been up to its usual caliber. You two rarely kiss, and when you do, the saliva that accumulates on the ground is barely enough to fill a cup!

Bridgette: You collect saliva from people's make-out sessions?

Sierra: Oh, only sometimes. But that's beside the point! Maybe it's time you found somebody new. Like Ezekiel.

Bridgette: What's so great about Ezekiel?

Sierra: Well, he's far more normal than he used to be. (Suddenly, they hear a voice from inside a box far away.)

Ezekiel: Pokemon! I will catch em all, eh! For I am Ezekiel Ketchum, the greatest trainer ever! Say hello to my capturin' device, fearsome beast! (There is a loud clunk.)

Harold: Ow! Ezekiel, what's with that ridiculous outfit—

Ezekiel: You're mine noo! (There is the sound of a body hitting the floor, and then a scraping noise. Bridgette raises an eyebrow.)

Sierra: Okay… so maybe he's still trying to find himself. But I consider myself the Total Drama matchmaker, and I know chemistry. You two have chemistry.

Bridgette: It's not going to happen.

Sierra: Oh, it will happen… (She rubs her hands together and turns from Bridgette.) Just you wait…

**Confession Cam**

**Sierra: I am so going to get Ezekiel and Bridgette together for a date tonight! I've got everything planned out… a candlelit, seaside picnic… smooth jazz playing in the background… scented candles… it'll be perfect! (Suddenly, she gasps.) Maybe Cody and I could go on a double date with them! I'm sure he's got his eye on me now. It's not like he's planning to ask Gwen out tonight. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Crate de Gwen and Izzy**

Gwen: Izzy… I have major claustrophobia, just to warn you. (She looks around.) Izzy? Where are you? (Nobody responds.) Uh… Izzy?

Izzy: AGGGHH!

Gwen: AHHH! (Izzy jumps out of nowhere and tackles Gwen to the ground.)

Izzy: Ha ha ha! Did I scare you, Gwen?

Gwen: You broke every bone in my body, that's for sure. Oww… Where'd you even go?

Izzy: I teleported outside, silly! Duh!

Gwen: Yeah, sure. Get off of me now. (Suddenly, she realizes that Izzy has disappeared again.) Uggh… (She sits up and sighs, and looks around.)

Gwen: I knew I should've associated myself with better people at the start of the game. (Suddenly, Izzy pops her head out of the ground.)

Izzy: Wanna know where I went, Gwen?

Gwen (rolling her eyes): Where did you go, Izzy?

Izzy: To the Magical Land of the Badger Moles! There, I met Jorge, the wise, blind mole who taught me the secret to life!

Gwen: And what's the secret to life?

Izzy: To never, ever, trust a cactus. They'll stab you in the back later on in life.

Gwen: Are you on medication?

Izzy: No, silly! (She pops up out of the ground, and lands next to Gwen.) So, what do you wanna do?

Gwen: Be quiet.

Izzy: Aw, that's no fun.

Gwen: Okay, you can tell me something. Why is it so stuffy in here? I feel like I can barely breathe!

Izzy: Because I plugged up the airholes!

Gwen: You _what_? (Then she starts to cradle herself.) I'm going to die. I'm going to die at the hands of a maniac.

Izzy: Just kidding! Man, you should've seen the look on your face! Ha! I'm gonna go find Noah. See ya! (She pops back into the ground.)

* * *

_**Two hours later…**_

Chris: Well, campers, how are we doing?

Katie: Wee… Chris, this is so much fun!

Sadie: Yeah! Best challenge ever!

Chris: Good to know someone appreciates it.

Noah: They haven't shut up since they were locked in! And all they talk about is shoes!

Chris: Well, only one team has dropped out. Tyler decided that Owen's farts were just too much to handle. The rest of you, I assume, are still in the game. (Suddenly, he sees Ezekiel roaming around on the rooftop.) Ezekiel! What are you doing up there?

Ezekiel: Looking for pokemon! (He points at Chris.) You will be my next catch!

Chris: Looks like Ezekiel left the crate somehow, so his pairing is also out. Where's Harold, Ezekiel?

Ezekiel: Right here! (He pushes Harold forward.) Go weaken him, my trusty Harold!

Harold: Ezekiel! Pokemon is not real!

Ezekiel: You just gotta believe, eh. (A tear forms in his eye.) YOU JUST GOTTA BELIEVE! (Suddenly, he grins.) I don't need Harold's help in capturin' this one. Because I've got… a Master capturin' device! (He hurls a gigantic boulder at Chris. Before the host can do anything, it flattens him.)

Ezekiel: A successful capture, eh! Ezekiel is da bomb!

Chris (muffled, from under the boulder): I weep for your offspring.

**Crate de Trent and Noah **

Trent: So, who are you thinking of voting for next?

Noah: Eh, probably Lindsay. She's just not useful in the challenges anymore.

Trent: You're not exactly "Mr. Challenge", either.

Noah: Well, I have an injury.

Trent: Give it up, Noah. I saw you with my own two eyes. You're just using it to get farther in the game, and having an excuse for sucking at challenges.

Noah: I'm not… it's not… that's not…

Trent: But don't worry. I like the fact that you play the game dirty. Sort of like myself. (He smiles.) I have a video of the accident. Nothing actually happened to you. Say, might I ask, where you got the cast?

Noah: Constructed it myself. (He seems proud.)

Trent: Well, first of all, because I have this tape, I can choose to end your life here whenever I want. But now's not the time. So if you want to at least make the final 15, you'll do what I say.

Noah: And what if I don't?

Trent: I just said what would happen.

Noah: Well, you think you have the game in your little sack… wow, that came out sounding wrong. Sorry about that. But you might think the game's yours, but you're not the only one playing, buster. I came to win, and intelligence will win it for me.

Trent: And how are you going to stop me with intelligence? (Noah smirks.)

Noah: What is the sound of one hand clapping? If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? Try visualizing a new primary color in your head. Say, "I'm lying", without lying.

Trent: Ow! Stop it!

Noah: You may have the tape, but I promise you that it won't help. You're less likable than I am.

Trent: I'm likable! I play guitar!

Noah: I haven't seen you play guitar since you got here. (Trent sighs and looks down.)

Trent: Maybe I just have nobody to write about anymore.

Noah: Well, whatever. You sealed your job as the antagonist of the season, and Chris is going to make sure you live up to it. Simple as that. (Trent frowns, and lies down.)

Trent: I'm taking a snooze. Don't bother me.

**Confession Cam**

**Trent: Noah is much more dangerous than I thought. He's clever. He actually knows what he's talking about. He's actually as smart as he seems! He needs to go next. **

**Noah: Yes, I'm a little worried about Trent having that video tape. But all I need to do is get rid of the body cast, win a few challenges for the team, and I'll be good to go! Now the only hard part is winning the challenges…**

**End of Confessionals**

* * *

_**Ten hours later…**_

Chris: We are twelve hours into the competition, in the beginning of the night, and all the campers are getting tucked into bed by their best pals. It is truly a touching thing to watch. Though I'm sure everyone's getting a little hungry now. Those first pangs hunger getting to any of you?

Katie: How could we be hungry when we get to feast on friendship?

Sadie: Soooooooo yummy! (While all the other crates are sitting silent and sullen, their crate is bouncing up and down, with dance music blaring and flashing lights streaming through the cracks.)

Noah: I don't even want to know what's going on in there.

Gwen: How are we supposed to sleep with that happening?

Chris: Not my problem. Now, off to my wonderful, luxurious, warm trailer… while you campers get to sleep in these hard, cold boxes of wood! (Suddenly, Ezekiel appears behind the host.)

Ezekiel: Hey! How'd you get oot of your capturin' device, eh?

Chris: Ezekiel! Please! You're disturbing all of us!

Ezekiel: I already got me first Gym badge, so I wouldn't be talkin'! (He holds up a leaf.)

Chris: That's a leaf, Ezekiel.

Ezekiel: Yep. It was quite the battle. Now, onwards to the next gym! (He troops off.)

Chris: I need to check him into a mental ward. (He turns back to the crates.) Now, you guys better start dropping out! You're gonna get pretty hungry trapped in those boxes! See ya tomorrow morning! (He walks away.)

Chef (from inside the crate): Dammit, Chris! I wanna be in my trailer, and not some stupid crate where we used to keep our pickled slugs!

Beth: Where you used to keep _what_?

Lindsay: Eeeewwww!

Chef: Hey, they're pretty delicious, if you ask me. Now, if you'll excuse me… (He starts to reach over to knock on the wall of his crate three times, but Courtney slaps his hand away.)

Courtney: No way, buster! Don't even think about it!

Chef: I want out already!

Courtney: No! We're winning this challenge!

Chef: No, we aint!

Courtney: Yes we are! Don't make me severely injure you!

Chef: You can't boss me around, woman! Chef aint takin' orders from Little Miss Prissy Pants! (And with that, he knocks her over and raps on the wall three times. Nobody comes.)

Courtney: Ha! Guess Chris is too busy getting a premium foot massage to hear you.

Chef: AUGGGHH!

**Crate de Lindsay and Beth**

Lindsay: G'night, Bern.

Beth: G'night, Lindsay. (The two rest their heads down. Suddenly, there's a yelling on the other side of the wall.)

?: Help! It's Tyler!

Lindsay: Tyler? Tyler! I'm coming, Tyler! Where are you?

?: I'm right here! In the crate next to you! Come over! (Lindsay crawls over in panic.)

Lindsay: Okay! I'm here! Now what do I do to save you?

?: Pound three times on the wall!

Lindsay: Okay!

Beth: No, wait Lindsay—(But Lindsay has already pounded three times on the wall. Beth puts her head in her hands.)

Beth: Lindsay! You just got us eliminated!

Lindsay: But I saved Tyler! Hooray! (On the other side, Sierra and Bridgette giggle.)

Sierra: How'd you like my Tyler impression? I've been working on the voices of the cast for quite a while.

Bridgette: That was great! How about a Harold impression?

Sierra (in Harold's raspy tone): Gosh, why are you always picking on me, Duncan? Kind of how I pick my nose! Did you know that the circuitry of a Nintendo DS is so long it could stretch around in the island five times? (Bridgette bursts out laughing.)

Bridgette: Do your impression of Noah!

Sierra: Oh, I'm so dull. Let me read my book. Let me not participate in any challenges, and just be dull by myself, but every so often, spray out classic one-liners. Cody has a tiny sausage! (Bridgette laughs even more, and then clutches her stomach.)

Bridgette: Man, the hunger pains are getting worse the more I laugh.

Sierra: I know! I'm so hungry, I'm almost tempted to eat the clay mannequin of Cody I created in the Craft Services tent yesterday! Almost.

Bridgette: You really like Cody, huh?

Sierra: Oh, yeah. And I'm sure he's got his eye on me. He doesn't like anyone else.

**Crate de Cody and Alejandro **

Cody: Thanks for carving this peephole with your super long fingernails for me, Alejandro! Now I can spy on Gwen, the only girl I like.

Alejandro: No problem, amigo. But don't you feel like what you just said was used only for dramatic irony?

Cody: What's that mean?

Alejandro: Never mind.

* * *

_**Two hours later…**_

(Chris walks over, and looks at the crates, where the remaining pairs are fast asleep.)

Chris: Things are too boring right now. We'll have to change that. (He takes out 7 chocolate bars, and slips one into the crates of DJ and Geoff, Katie and Sadie, Bridgette and Sierra, Cody and Alejandro, Noah and Trent, Chef and Courtney, and Gwen and Izzy.)

Chris: The campers haven't had food in over twenty-four hours… So when our remaining 7 pairs wake up, let's just say, they won't want to share evenly. And that's when the fireworks begin. (Suddenly, he hears a voice from the woods.)

Ezekiel: It's super effective! And Ezekiel wins the battle against Gym Leader Owen!

Owen: Aw, man. But all I had was a Lindsay, while you had a Tyler and a Harold!

Ezekiel: Go out and train more Pokemon, fellow trainer. Find new ones! And you will succeed!

Owen: Hooray!

Chris: Please tell me this isn't happening. I seriously need a latte.

**How long will Ezekiel's obsession with Pokemon last? Let's hope not long. **

**What will happen with the 7 pairings left in the challenge?**

**Can Noah and Trent find even ground?**

**Will Cody succeed at getting Gwen? **

**Can Sierra set up Ezekiel and Bridgette?**

**And what other surprises await everyone on the next action-packed chapter of **

**Total Drama Returns!**


	20. Day 6 Part 2: Friendship Never Ends?

**Total Drama Returns**

The Cheesebub's Message: No one's reached the number yet! It's a little ways away. Now, as you'll see this chapter, I know more about Pokemon. I even know a few specific ones!

**Noah914—**Yep, sometimes two things just mix. Ezekiel and Pokémon are those things this time. Also, thanks for giving me more info on Pokémon!

**Nagasha—**You will see.

**HockeyGal09—**As you could see from last chapter, Trent isn't completely a villain yet. Remember, Gwen completely ignoring him after he saved her in the Hall of Axes was what made him snap.

***blank*- **Thanks.

**writes4u—**Ezekiel might have an ongoing obsession. Or it could be off and on. I guess I'll decide. The thing about having specific Pokémon in the fic is, I don't know any specific ones, besides Pikachu. Well, actually, I know a few more, now.

**Pandah N. Reaper—**Oh, _that _line. Yeah, Trent will keep his nine obsession, just to break up his mostly serious personality. OH NO! TYPO! Oh well, maybe Katie's just schizophrenic and was talking to herself. As you'll see in this chapter, Courtney's way stronger than Chef, and plans on whipping him into shape. Hm. I won't tell you who makes it father, Trent or Noah. I will, however, tell you that there will be quite a conflict between them. Of course, only Alejandro would have super long fingernails.

**Twilight Cat 64—**Wow, I guess Ezekiel's Pokémon obsession has gotten a better reaction than I expected. And about the possibility of Ezekiel changing in the box… that's just the magic of Zeke. That's what I'll say to any questions about him.

***blank*- **Yeah, Harold and his DS are quite the couple. I would have Leshawna do something like that to it, but she's already out of the competition.

**Chris Mclean TDR—**I also think Trent makes a good antagonist. The thing is, his entire villainy is driven by heartbreak.

**Day 6 Part 2— Chapter 20: Friendship Never Ends?**

Chris: Previously, the remaining 19 campers were put into crates with their best friends to see how long they could last with each other. So far, Ezekiel and Harold, Owen and Tyler, and Lindsay and Beth have been eliminated. The remaining campers in this challenge haven't had food in over twenty-four hours. So when they wake up to find a chocolate bar in each of their crates, let's just say, the fireworks will begin.

Chef (from inside one of the crates): Who cares about goddamn fireworks? You already said that at the end of Chapter 19! You don't need to say it again!

Chris: Who cares? I think it makes for clever foreshadowing, and, by darn it, I'll use it all I like! Now go back to moping in your crate!

Chef: Oh, when I get out of here, I'll take my sharpest knife, and—

Chris: Clean off the grime coating the bathroom walls. Good idea. (And with that, he walks off, leaving Chef to fume by himself.)

**Crate de Katie and Sadie**

Katie: Ah… good morning, Sadie. (She opens her eyes, and sees Sadie slouched over in the corner of the crate.) Uh… Sadie? What are you doing? (Sadie screams. There is the sound of wrappers crinkling, and then she turns to Katie.)

Sadie: Uh… nothing. (She giggles nervously.)

Katie: How are you this morning?

Sadie: Not guilty! I mean, great! (She grins, revealing her teeth to be stained in chocolate.)

Katie: What's that brown stuff around the corners of your mouth and on your teeth?

Sadie: What? What brown stuff?

Katie: You've got brown gunk smeared all around your lips!

Sadie: No I don't.

Katie: Yes you do! Say, it kind of looks like choc—

Sadie: Nope! You're wrong. Chris didn't give us a chocolate bar to share evenly, and I didn't just eat the whole thing!

Katie: Oh. Okay. I trust you.

**Confession Cam**

**Sadie: So I woke up, and found a bar of chocolate. I knew it was supposed to be shared, but I just couldn't help myself. And Katie's so naive, she'll think nothing of the fact that the wrappers were scattered across the floor. But what she doesn't know won't hurt her. (The camera pans out to show Katie sitting right next to her, her arms crossed.) **

**Katie: Oh really. You do remember we're connected, right?**

**Sadie: Oh yeah. Heh heh. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Crate de Cody and Alejandro**

(Cody wakes up, yawning cheerfully. However, when he looks over on the other side of the crate, he sees a huge knot with appendages sticking out everywhere, and screams out in horror. He sees a head sticking out, and realizes that it is Alejandro.)

Alejandro: Hola, amigo.

Cody: Whoa! What happened, dude?

Alejandro: *sigh*… Well, I was doing my early morning yoga exercises, and now I seem to be in somewhat of a "knot", as you might put it. It happens sometimes.

Cody: What should I do? (He glances nervously around.)

Alejandro: Well, make sure you just don't pull on any of my- OW! (He cries out as Cody tugs on one of his arms.) That just makes the knot tighter, amigo.

Cody: What are you made of? You're like a human gumby!

Alejandro: Well, that was a side effect of all the plastic surgery I got after the volcano incident. Now, we need to remain calm. Usually, the knots untangle by themselves.

Cody: You're a monster! A freak of nature!

Alejandro (sarcastically): That's definitely helping.

Cody: Dude, I'm sorry, but there's something seriously wrong about what you are.

Alejandro: Whatever. Now, what are we going to do to amuse ourselves today? I was thinking we could write some poetry—

Cody: CANDY! (He scrambles over to a corner of the box, and grabs the chocolate bar.) How'd this get in here? (He sniffs it) And it's got nuts! I love nuts! (He rips it open and takes a huge bite.)

Alejandro: May I have some, muchacho? (Cody turns to him.)

Cody (his mouth full): I thought you were anorexic!

Alejandro: At times like these, even a man who cares about his image needs nourishment. Now please, may I have some?

Cody: Hmm… I don't know…

Alejandro: What do you mean? We're a team, we share!

Cody: But what can you do to me if I just eat the whole thing? After all, you're in some strange human knot. You can't stop me.

Alejandro: But don't you know the good morals of the human soul? Sharing is caring!

Cody: Not if it's candy! (And with that, he stuffs the whole thing in his mouth.) Mmm… nuts.

Alejandro: I respect your decision. (He sighs.) It probably wouldn't have even made it through my digestive tract, anyways. My body is very sensitive to anything with chemicals. Sends it right back up. (However, Cody isn't paying attention.)

Cody: Candy… candy… CANDY! (Suddenly, he starts vibrating.) DidyouknowIgetreallyhyper? WOOHOO!

Alejandro: Stop vibrating, amigo, you're scaring me!

Cody: ButIcan'tstopIcan'tstopIcan'tstop… I… can't… stop… I… can't… zzzzz… (He falls asleep, snoring loudly.)

Alejandro: That should shut him up for the day. Now to practice my poetry. (He clears his throat.) _The sands of time sweep away the human soul, leaving nothing but a barren wasteland deprived of emotions..._

Chris (from outside the crate): Dude! Stop! Stop! Seriously! What you're saying is gayer than Chef's secret longing for romantic comedies!

Izzy: I knew it!

Chef: Shuddup.

Courtney: Chef, no using that kind of language in this household!

Chef: Listen, lady, you don't know where you're going with that mouth of yours. But it's about to be down in a place you do not want it to be.

Chris: Chef! This is a children's TV show!

Chef: No, wait, that's not what I meant—UGGHH!

**Crate de Sierra and Bridgette**

Sierra: You like Ezekiel.

Bridgette: I don't.

Sierra: You like him, and you know it.

Bridgette: Listen, Sierra, if you're just going to keep saying that, I'm gonna take us out of this challenge.

Sierra: Fine. So be it. But I know you like him. (Suddenly, her eyes grow wide.) Bridgette… do you see that? (She points at the chocolate bar.)

Bridgette: Could it be? (She picks it up.) It is! (Suddenly, Sierra swipes it from her.) Hey!

Sierra (holding it just out of her reach): Chris obviously gave this to us to fight over. But, I'll give you the whole thing, if you'll just go on a date with Ezekiel this evening.

Bridgette: But… but… he's just so weird! First he was a sexist, then he was a gangster, after that he was a rabid Golem-like creature, and now he's a… a Pokémon trainer!

Sierra: Hey, it's your choice. Because I'm pretty hungry, and I could easily eat this whole chocolate bar right now.

Bridgette: God… fine. I'll go with him. Just give me the chocolate bar. (Sierra hands it to her, and smiles.)

Bridgette (with her mouth full): You sure you don't want any?

Sierra: Yep. Just the fact that I might have started the next big Total Drama couple is enough to satisfy my hunger for quite a while.

Bridgette: It's not gonna happen.

Sierra: Oh, it will. And besides! Ezekiel's pretty normal and cool, now!

_**Somewhere in the Middle of the Forest…**_

Ezekiel (crawling across the ground): The trainer stalks his prey, capturin' device at the ready. (He whips out a rock.) It's time for the capture, eh! (He sees Beth, leaning against a tree, reading a book.) Time to say bye-bye! (He hurls the rock at her, and misses completely.)

Beth: Ezekiel! What are you doing? Can't you see I'm trying to read, here?

Ezekiel: Ha! You think you may have gotten the better of me, but I accounted for the fact that I have poor hand-eye coordination! So now, YOU'RE MINE! (He hurls another rock at her, and misses again. Beth glares at him, and then takes a step towards him.)

Ezekiel: Um… the fearsome beast knows that the human remains dominant, and will not come any closer? Because he is, uh… awesome, eh? Whoa, STAY BACK, STAY BACK! Ow, oof, ow, that hurts! Oof!

**Confession Cam**

**Ezekiel (covered in bruises): That was one mighty beast. But that makes the capture even more important. And when it's important, you need to go bigger, eh. (He hefts up the toilet seat, revealing a huge boulder wedged inside.) Been savin' this one fer a while.**

**End of Confessionals**

**Crate de Trent and Noah**

Trent: Hmm… there! Split perfectly in half! (He hands Noah his half of the chocolate bar. Noah stares down at it in frustration.)

Noah: This is like, one sixteenth of the chocolate bar! That's not fair!

Trent (grinning evilly): You're right. It's not.

Noah: You know, I know a psychiatric ward a few miles from here. Seriously, you should check it out.

Trent: Listen, Noah, you're the next to go, no matter what. So try to make your last days here a little easier on all of us.

Noah: Don't mind if I do. (He presses a button on his wheelchair, and the cast splits open. Noah gets out and stretches. Suddenly, he's smiling.) I'll make it as easy as possible.

Trent: Good. (He brings his piece of candy up to his lips, and finds his hands empty. He looks over at Noah, who suddenly has the entire chocolate bar.)

Noah: Video games. Gives you quite the speedy hands. (He then pops the entire chocolate bar into his mouth.)

Trent: Give it back.

Noah: Really? You still want the chocolate bar?

Trent: No. I also know you stole the video footage from my pocket I have of you faking your injury.

Noah: Good observation. (He smirks.)

Trent: Give it back. _Now_.

Noah: That wouldn't be very fun if I just gave it back, now would it? Also, you don't mind if I just… (He takes the video, and smashes it into the ground. Trent's eyes grow wide.)

Trent: You do not know what you just did.

Noah: I do know what I just did. And it felt good.

Trent: You obviously don't know who you're messing with.

Noah: And who is that?

Trent: Uh… um… whatever! (He scowls, and knocks three times on the wall.)

Chris: And who's the next to give up? (He opens up the crate.) Aww… our poor gay guitarist. Noah's quantum physics just a little too much for you?

Trent: STOP CALLING ME THAT! (He hops out of the crate, knees Chris in the stomach, and stomps off.)

Chris: Wow, somebody pooped their pants. (Noah steps out, with his usual smirk plastered across his face.)

Noah: That's for sure. (Chris does a double take.)

Chris: Whoa! Noah! I thought you were severely injured!

Noah: I guess the healing process was just quicker than usual. Now, if you'll excuse me… (He takes out a book, and sits down by a tree, reading. However, after a few seconds, he scowls.) Ezekiel, stop breathing down my neck.

Ezekiel: Darn! And so close to a successful capture, too! (He hops away into the bushes.)

**Confession Cam**

**Trent: That Noah's like a little weasel. Whenever I think I have something I can use against him, he completely ruins it. But not this time. He has just destroyed the wrong footage. It was just some stupid video of Owen farting so much he passes out. So I still have the real footage, and Noah has a false sense of confidence. He thinks he's gotten the better of me. Oh, he'll see soon enough. **

**Noah: I totally got the better of Trent. **

**End of Confessionals**

(Chris is woken up from his nap by a fierce knocking from inside one of the crates.)

Chris: What's going on, Gwen?

Gwen (from inside the crate): Izzy has been singing "Friday" by Rebecca Black for the past five hours straight! She spent two hours pondering the difference between Ludacris and Snoop Dog! And now she's conducting experiments on our chocolate bar!

Izzy: Hey, Chris, got any hydrochloric acid? Or something that is really toxic and dangerous to humans?

Chris: We've got Chef's cooking. That work for you, Izzy?

Izzy: Oh, yes. That is perfect. MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

Gwen: Get me out of here!

Chris: Only if you say my hair is awesome.

Gwen: What?

Chris: Say it. My hair is awesome.

Gwen: Your hair is awesome!

Chris: Thank you. I've been needing a compliment. (He opens the crate, and a huge puff of smoke shoots out, right into his face. Gwen gets out, coughing.)

Gwen: Thank you, oh thank you! You do not know what it was like in there!

Izzy: Aw, come on. Way to spoil the party. (Suddenly, Ezekiel appears on top of the roof.)

Ezekiel: Hey! A fire type, and a dark type! Hah! (He hurls an especially large boulder at them, but they both step out of the way, and it misses.)

Izzy: Fun! (She takes an even bigger boulder out of her pocket and hurls it at Ezekiel, crushing him underneath.) Hooray! Izzy triumphs!

**Confession Cam**

**Ezekiel: So it looks like I have a new rival, eh. Izzy is her fearsome name. But she's no match for me! **

**Izzy: That Zeke is so fun to play with! (She takes out a machine gun.) Look at this fun toy I found! We can have so much fun together! **

**Gwen: I was never a part of any of this.**

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: While most campers received chocolate bars this morning, I did something just a tad different with DJ and Geoff.

**Crate de Geoff and DJ**

Geoff: CEREAL!

DJ: Now, Geoff, let's calm down—

Geoff: CEREAL! (He starts pouring it into his mouth, but DJ quickly swipes it away.)

DJ: Geoff! We need to save this stuff! This might be the only ration we get.

Geoff: You're right. (They look at each other for a few seconds, and then Geoff grabs the cereal box again, pouring it into his mouth.)

DJ: Alright! But if we starve, it's your fault!

Geoff: So be it. (As he says this, corn flakes spray out of his mouth, landing on DJ's nose. The brickhouse rolls his eyes.)

DJ: I don't know what to do with you, dude. (Suddenly, Geoff turns to him, his mouth full of cereal, and points.) What? (Then he realizes.) Oh. Oh no. NOOOO!

Geoff: Oh yes. You just said "dude", and you know it.

DJ: Now come on, man, let's be reasonable. It's not like Harold heard.

Geoff: Yeah, but _I _heard.

DJ: But Geoff! You're my buddy! Buddies help each other!

Geoff: Not if the consequence is cleaning up Owen's undies for the rest of the competition. (Suddenly, DJ gets an idea.)

DJ: But wait! I have an idea! Harold didn't hear me say "dude" there. What if we somehow tricked _him _into saying dude?

Geoff: I like where you're going with this.

DJ: Then _he'd _have to clean up Owen's underwear!

Geoff: The poor guy would probably be mentally scarred for the rest of his life! (He pauses, then smiles.) Let's do it.

**Confession Cam**

**DJ: Do I feel bad about cheating in the dude fast? Eh, not one bit. Have you smelled Owen's underwear? Like something died, and then was rolled in a dumpster! There's something seriously nightmarish about that boy's lower end. **

**Owen: Bathroom time! (He pulls up the toilet seat, and sees an Ezekiel boulder wedged inside. He turns, confused, to the camera.) Did I make that? **

**End of Confessionals**

* * *

_**Ten hours later…**_

**Crate de Chef and Courtney**

(Chef is blowing a hobo tune into a harmonica. After a few minutes of this, Courtney slaps the harmonica out of his hands.)

Courtney: Stop playing that. No offense, but your E minor sounds like a warthog dying. Now if only I had my violin… _then _we'd have music.

Chef: The harmonica is a musical instrument! Back in the 1960s, it was the only instrument they had!

Courtney: You just made that up, didn't you?

Chef: No way! In my war camp, we had harmonicas, and nothing else! Say, there was this one time back in 1963…

Courtney: Oh no. Not another one of your war stories.

Chef: Whaddaya mean? War stories are great! Don't you wanna serve in the Canadian army?

Courtney: No. I prefer going to the University of Yale, getting my Phd, and becoming a politician.

Chef: So you wanna waste your life. I see how it is. It aint your fault.

Courtney: Politicians are respectable people!

Chef: Politicians are all lies. They don't care about us! One time, I went to the white house with a rifle, sayin' I wanted to have a meeting with the president. They said I had to get rid of the gun! Can you believe that?

Courtney: You need to be educated, don't you?

Chef: Aint nobody need an education!

Courtney: Oh really. Here's an easy question. You can write, right? (Chef nods.) Then if you wanted to have an autobiography written about yourself, who would be the one to write it?

Chef: Um… probably my best pal George. (Courtney puts her head in her hands.)

**Crate de Bridgette and Sierra**

Bridgette: So just a simple dinner.

Sierra: Just a simple dinner.

Bridgette: Nothing but a picnic out by the seaside.

Sierra: Nothing but a picnic out by the seaside.

Bridgette: And nothing will happen after that. This is just as friends.

Sierra: You sure? Cause in the basket, I packed a few cond—

Bridgette: _What_?

Sierra: Oh, I mean, nothing will happen after that. This is just as friends.

Bridgette: I'm gonna have to explain this to Geoff, you know.

Sierra: He'll understand. It's just to help Ezekiel adjust to life at camp.

Bridgette: Alright. I guess I'll do it.

Sierra: Sweet! This'll be great!

**Confession Cam**

**Bridgette: I feel so horrible. Sierra just totally forced me into a position I don't want to be. I have to go on the date with Ezekiel, but poor Geoff… he'll be heartbroken!**

**End of Confessionals**

**Crate de Katie and Sadie**

Katie: You should've given me some of the chocolate bar!

Sadie: I asked you, and you didn't want any!

Katie: That's because I was asleep! Gosh, it's like I don't mean anything to you anymore.

Sadie: I care about our friendship! I truly do! When we were connected together, it meant that we would stay by each other's sides. Forever.

Katie: Yeah, about that, I was thinking. Maybe we should get rid of the, y'know, the bond.

Sadie: What? But we've had it for like, five days now!

Katie: Yeah, but it's kinda awkward when we're going to the bathroom.

Sadie: When? Name one time!

Katie: Mario's Pizza Palace, ring a bell?

Sadie: Okay, that was sooo long ago. We were children back then.

Katie: It was a week ago.

Sadie: Whatever! You're the one who's always so bad at giving directions!

Katie: Like when?

Sadie: Like when that old man asked how to get to the post office, and you gave him directions that made him end up driving off a cliff!

Katie: I get the two confused, okay? Now, like, go pig out by yourself!

Sadie: And _you _go give bad directions by yourself!

Katie: Fine!

Sadie: Fine!

Katie: Fine!

Sadie: You can't say "fine" twice, that's so tacky.

Katie: Not as tacky as your shoes!

Sadie: Not as tacky as your butt!

Katie: Not as tacky as your shorts!

Sadie: Not as tacky as your hair!

Harold (chanting): Cat fight, cat fight, cat fight, cat fight, cat fight…

Katie and Sadie: SHUT UP, HAROLD!

* * *

_**Numerous hours later…**_

**Crate de Alejandro and Cody**

Alejandro (checking his watch): Well, amigo, we're 69 hours into the challenge. And I'm still a huge knot.

Cody: Heh. 69!

Alejandro: You're a pervert, you know that? But that's beside the point. Usually I'm untangled by now! I think this constitutes a medical emergency. And because of that, we need to get out of this crate and seek attention immediately.

Cody: What do you think Chris would do for you?

Alejandro: Good point. He'd probably keep me like this, just to boost ratings.

Cody: Now that I think about it, there's only one person who would be able to fix this. (They both look at each other.)

Cody and Alejandro: Izzy.

**Confession Cam**

**Cody: So we have to go to Izzy for help. It's either that, or Alejandro stays a human knot for the rest of his life. I have to admit, I'm sort of interested in what solution she'll come up with. **

**Izzy: Machine guns. Machine guns are the solution to everything. **

**End of Confessionals**

Cody: This better be worth it. We threw the challenge so you could fix Alejandro.

Alejandro: You're not just gonna hit me repeatedly with a hammer, right?

Izzy (tucking a hammer away into her pocket): No.

Cody: Then what are you going to do?

Izzy: I'm going to… (Suddenly, she looks up, and sniffs the air.) You smell that?

Alejandro: Uh, no.

Izzy: It's Ezekiel! He's after me! I gotta run! He's comin' for you guys, too! (She races off.)

Cody: Wait, what—(Suddenly, Ezekiel bursts through the thickets, his eyes bloodshot. He has a huge sack draped over his shoulder, with a couple of squirming objects inside of it.)

Alejandro: Okay, what's going on? (He squirms around, trying to somehow get out of his knot.)

Ezekiel (pointing at Alejandro): Whoa! A Tangela! (He rips out Harold's Nintendo DS.) Good thing I found Pokedex attached to one of the Pokémon I caught! Now I can identify all of you!

Cody: Dude, are you okay?

Ezekiel: Uh-oh. That Pokémon is getting angry, eh! (He opens up his sack, and pulls out Lindsay.) Go, me trusty beast! (He shoves her forward.)

Lindsay: What? (She looks around.) Are we in Paris?

Ezekiel: Quite the contrary, eh! We're in the midst of an important battle, and you better fight!

Lindsay: Uh… Ed? Can I, like, go now?

Ezekiel: Never! Now fight, eh! (He shoves Lindsay forward. She stumbles, and then topples onto Cody. However, Cody is perfectly fine with this, his face wedged deep into her chest.)

Ezekiel: Whoa! Now blood's spurting out of his nose! What kind of move is that? (Suddenly, Tyler pulls himself out of the sack.)

Tyler: Lindsay! (He runs over to her, and helps her up.)

Lindsay (rubbing her head): Ow… that Ed isn't very nice…

Tyler: I know. But its okay now, babe.

Ezekiel: Hooray! They're going to breed! Then I'll have a Pokémon egg! (Tyler and Lindsay both glare over at him.)

**Confession Cam**

**Tyler: Ezekiel's the next to go, if we arrive at a Campfire Ceremony. Hurting my girl Lindsay… and seriously, he needs mental help. He's gonna have "captured" all the campers by the time this day is over!**

**Lindsay: Ed said I have lots of upper strength, and that would be useful in battle. (She cups her breasts.) I wonder what he means by that?**

**Chris: This show just gets better and better. **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: Well, remaining four pairs, you've lasted this long! But you won't be receiving any more food, so you might want to hurry up! Why don't you people tell me how you're feeling about your partner right now?

Katie: I hate Sadie!

Sadie: I hate Katie!

Sierra: I hate Bridgette!

Bridgette: I hate Sierra!

Geoff: I hate DJ!

DJ: I hate Geoff!

Chef: I HATE COURTNEY!

Courtney: I HATE CHEF!

Chris: Ahh… music to my ears. Anybody wanna resign, yet?

Chef: I'm tryin' to, but the girl keeps blockin' me!

Courtney: We're not losing this challenge because of you, Chef Baldovino Hatchet! Now go do something productive!

Chef: We're in a wooden crate, girl! What's there to do?

Chris: Ahh… it seems the fireworks have begun.

Chef: What is this, the Fourth of July? Stop saying that!

Chris: You obviously don't know how long I spent perfecting that line, Chef, and I'd think you'd be a little more supportive.

Chef: Supportive, my ass! You're never supportive of me! You never let me even host an episode!

Courtney: I'm pretty sure there's a good reason for that.

Chef: You stay out of this! This is between me, and Chris. (Suddenly, there is a knocking from inside one of the crates. Chris turns to Chef's crate and glares.)

Chris: It appears the Clash of the Titans must wait. (He walks over to the crate where the knocking came from.) Yes?

Bridgette: LET ME OUT!

Sierra: …And Owen lives in a small apartment up in eastern Vancouver, residence 872 on Walnut Street… Oh, and Beth lives in a small suburban home, latitude -83.757 degrees, longitude 60.6 degrees… Or, wait, is it 60.7?

Bridgette: Since a few minutes ago, she's just randomly started reciting all the addresses of the contestants' homes! I think she's going insane!

Chris: That's not too much reason to worry. Eh, you'll be fine. (He starts to walk away)

Bridgette (through gritted teeth): If you walk away, Chris Mclean, get ready to find my surfboard in place you do not want it to be.

Chris: Oof… I get bad images from that. Man, I guess I better let you out. (He opens up the crate, and Bridgette angrily steps out. Sierra comes out after her, and glances around excitedly.)

Sierra: I have to go tell Ezekiel the news! He's going on a date!

Geoff (from inside his crate): Really? I'm so proud of him! Who's he going with?

Sierra: Bridgette! Isn't it great?

Geoff: WHAT? Wait, are you serious?

Sierra: Dead serious!

Geoff: NOOOOOOOOOO! (Before DJ can stop him, he feverishly knocks three times on the side of the crate.)

Chris: Poor Geoff. Describe to me how your heart's feeling right now.

Geoff: Like it's a bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats, and they just got soggy from the milk.

Chris: Wow, that's deep.

Geoff: Just let me out, okay? (Chris, opens the crate, and out comes DJ and Geoff.)

DJ: So what are you gonna do now, dude?

Geoff: Sit in my room and mope, I guess.

DJ: Don't you wanna talk to Bridgette about it?

Geoff: Don't see how that'll help the matter. It's obvious that Ezekiel's what she wants in a man.

DJ: Don't let yourself believe that, Geoff! There's still hope! (Right after he says this, a rock slams into DJ's forehead, knocking him over. Ezekiel walks over.)

Ezekiel: Sweet! The perfect Pokémon, eh! (However, before he can pick DJ up, he is glomp-hugged by Sierra.)

Sierra: Ezekiel! You've got a date!

Ezekiel: Wait, what—

Sierra: We have to go get you ready! Now come on! (She starts to push him off towards the cabins.)

Chris: Hey! Not so fast! There's still an immunity challenge to get to!

Gwen: Really? After all we've been through?

Chris: Which is not nearly enough, mind you. And this challenge will be fun!

Noah: Heh. We all know what you mean by "fun".

Gwen (looking at Noah): Wait a minute. Where'd your body cast go?

Noah: I'm done. Healed. I'm perfectly fine, now. (He looks over at Trent and winks. Trent winks back, and smiles. This unnerves Noah considerably, but he thinks nothing of it.)

Chris: Now, all we have to do is wait to see which pair will win it for their team. Will it be Katie and Sadie, or Chef and Courtney?

**Crate de Katie and Sadie**

Katie: Sadie, we can win this!

Sadie: Hmmph.

Katie: Oh, so you're still mad at me?

Sadie: Hmmph.

Katie: Why should you be mad at me? What did I do? You're the one who didn't share the chocolate bar!

Sadie: You know, I would totally strangle you right now, if we weren't connected.

Katie: Well, that's violent.

Sadie: It is violent! And I hate you!

Katie: Well, I hate you too!

Sadie: And I never wanna see you again after this!

Katie: Neither do I!

Sadie: Shut up!

Katie: You shut up!

Sadie: I'll shut up once you shut up!

Katie: I'll shut up once you shut up once I shut up! Wait, the makes no sense.

Sadie: Well, I have one last thing to say to you! (And with that, she brings her fist up, and knocks three times on the wall.)

Chris: And Sadie resigns! That makes Chef and Courtney the winners!

Courtney: What? We won? Hear that, Chef? We won!

Chef: Meh. Those mushroom burgers taste like crap, just to warn ya. I should know. I cooked em.

Courtney: Who cares? We won! Hooray! (She gives Chef a big hug. Chef is taken aback by this.)

**Confession Cam**

**Chef: That Courtney… she is something else. She starts out actin' like complete bitch, but now she's all huggy when she wins. Now I just hope I never see her when she loses. **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: So, Screaming Ivy, as your reward… (He lifts away a tablecloth, revealing a table covered in mushroom burgers.) Bon appétit!

Izzy: All right! (She races over, and stuffs one of the burgers in her mouth. Immediately, she spits it out.) Ewww… what is this made of, toenail clippings?

Chef (an evil glint in his eyes): You got that right.

Izzy: Awesome! (She starts shoving burgers in her mouth.)

Chris: How about the rest of you?

Beth: I may be hungry, but I'm not _that _hungry.

Noah: I have trouble digesting anything that is more than a month rotten.

Chris: Fine! Then I guess we'll just have to move straight to the immunity challenge. But let me warn you, you'll need all the appetite you can get for this next one.

Bridgette: Oh, great. What does he mean by that?

Chris: You'll see. Everybody to the mess hall! Except for Cody and Alejandro. You two need to head over to the infirmary. Man, Alejandro… your body is messed up.

Alejandro: What will they do to me there?

Chris: How should I know? I'm not an expert on crap like that!

**Confession Cam**

**Alejandro: Seriously, the funding for this show is severely lacking. I wouldn't be surprised if Chris's "medical team" consisted of the Sasquatchanakwa, the Bear, and the Chainsaw killer! **

**Katie: OK, so like, Sadie and I are so done. **

**Sadie (sitting next to her): Soooo done. **

**Katie: You can't repeat everything I say! It's annoying!**

**Sadie: **_**You **_**can't repeat everything **_**I **_**say! **

**Katie: Uggh!**

**End of Confessionals**

**Mess Hall**

(The two teams are sitting at their respective tables, in their pairs. Chris gazes out at them.)

Chris: Well, campers, I hope you're hungry.

Owen: I am!

Chris: We know you are. So yes, as you probably have figured out by now, today's immunity challenge is an eating challenge. One we've had previously, in fact. Season 1, Episode 11 ring a bell?

Sierra: Duh, it rings a bell. Everybody knows that Episode 11 was the Trust challenges, where DJ's bunny was eaten because of Geoff's carelessness and was replaced by Duncan, who turned out to have a heart of gold. Another sideplot was—

Chris: Shut up! Oh my lord, you really need a life, don't you?

Sierra: Who needs a life when you have Cody?

Chris: Anyways, about the challenge. Each of you will be assigned an extremely poisonous or deadly plant or animal to prepare in a dish for your partner.

Tyler: Alright! Owen can eat anything!

Chris: How about a nest of Black Widows?

Owen: Been there, done that.

Chris: Oh really. How about a King Cobra?

Owen: Been there, done that.

Chris: Hm. How about Autumn crocus, one of the most poisonous flowers in the world?

Owen: Been there, done that.

Chris: God, you ruin all the fun. So, Chef will give each of you something to cook for your partner. However, you first must pick who's cooking.

Izzy: I can cook for you, Gwen!

Gwen: Um, I don't think so.

Izzy: No, really! I know all there is to know about all things poisonous! You know, it's actually kind of fun to get poisoned. Your head gets spinny, and your eyes get wobbly…

Gwen: Can you please stop? Are you sure you won't kill me?

Izzy: Ha! The last time I killed someone, it was 1982! I've learned since then, trust me.

Gwen: You weren't alive in 1982.

Izzy: That's what they want ya to think, Gwenny. (Meanwhile, Trent and Noah are sitting across from them.)

Trent: No way am I eating, Noah. You weren't there, but last time, Lindsay nearly killed me!

Noah: Don't worry, dude. I'll eat. But you better not try and purposely kill me, you got that?

Trent: No promises. (Noticing Noah's horrified facial expression, he chuckles.) Just kidding! Just kidding. (To the left, Beth is watching Lindsay nervously.)

Beth: I think I'll cook this time, okay, Linds?

Lindsay: What? Why?

Beth: Oh, um, because, you kind of almost killed Trent the last time you did this.

Lindsay: Who's Trent? (She points at Courtney.) Is he Trent?

Courtney: I'm a girl, you idiot! (She punches Lindsay angrily.)

Chef: Ooo… feisty.

Courtney: Shut up, Chef! We're winning this challenge no matter what, you got that?

Chef: I'll try. But these things are pretty dang poisonous. (Then he winks at her.) Except for ours. (Courtney grins.)

**Confession Cam**

**Courtney: Now Chef's playing the game. Good, because I think I'll need him to cheat for me past the merge when we're doing the individual immunity challenges. **

**Beth: There's definitely something going on between Chef and Courtney. (She pauses) I mean, not like that! No! Ewww! That'd be disgusting!**

**End of Confessionals**

Ezekiel: I'll cook for you, my trusty Pokémon. It looks like you need some Pokechow.

Harold: For the last time, Ezekiel, I'm not a Pokémon! And where'd my Nintendo DS go?

Ezekiel: Don't defy your trainer! Now let's see what level you're at. (Meanwhile, DJ is trying to cheer up a depressed Geoff.)

DJ: Times will get better, Geoff! You can count on it!

Geoff: My heart feels like a big clump of Raisin Bran, with flakes slowly tearing away, until there is nothing left. My soul is like a box of Trix, being ripped open to find the prize inside.

DJ: Man, you sure do have a lot of cereal metaphors up your sleeve.

Geoff: What's the point anymore, DJ? Bridgette doesn't care about me.

DJ: She does! I doubt she really likes Ezekiel. Sierra probably just forced her into that position.

Geoff: *sigh*… If you say so.

DJ: We can still try to trick Harold into saying "dude".

Geoff: Nah. Not interested anymore.

DJ: Well, buddy, you just sit back and relax. I'll do the cooking.

Geoff: Okay. (To the left of them, Katie and Sadie won't stop bickering.)

Katie: I'm cooking!

Sadie: No, I'm cooking!

Katie: I'm cooking!

Sadie: No, I'm cooking!

Katie: *gasp* You just want to cook so badly because you want to poison me!

Sadie: No!

Katie: Yes!

Sadie: No way! I just think I'm better at cooking than you are!

Katie: Fine! But if you poison me, it's your entire fault!

Sadie: No it isn't!

Katie: Yes it is!

Bridgette: God, stop arguing! (She turns to Sierra.) They've been getting on my nerves ever since they stepped into that crate.

Sierra: Hey, the only dialogue they usually ever get on this show is arguing. Let them have it.

Bridgette: Okay, so who's cooking?

Sierra: I will. Trust me; I already know what poisonous food item Chris is going to give to us. I can tell by reading his body language.

Bridgette: Um, that's cool. I have something else I need to talk to you about. I think Geoff's really angry at me.

Sierra: That makes no sense. Why would he?

Bridgette: He knows I'm going on a date with Ezekiel!

Sierra: Well, you should be proud. Let everybody know about your date.

Bridgette: It's not a date! It's not!

Sierra: If you say so. But he's excited, so try not to ruin it for him.

**Confession Cam**

**Bridgette: You know, this whole "Bridgezekiel" thing started because of that stupid Kobold Necromancer! Why must he write so many BridgettexEzekiel fics? Why?**

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: Alright. So Trent will be cooking for Noah, Izzy will be cooking for Gwen, Chef will be cooking for Courtney, Beth will be cooking for Lindsay, Ezekiel will be cooking for Harold, Sierra will be cooking for Bridgette, Sadie will be cooking for Katie, DJ will be cooking for Geoff, and Tyler will be cooking for Owen. Now, Chef, if you'll hand out the dishes. (Chef stands up with a platter, and grins evilly. He walks over to Tyler and Owen.)

Chef: Here. Have some stingray pancakes. (He takes out a stack of flopping stingrays and places it on Owen's plate. Before Chef can even stop him, Owen's already got them in his mouth.)

Owen (his mouth full): Yummy.

Chris: Well, Owen's gonna die. (Owen swallows, and licks his lips.)

Owen: Not too bad, if I say so myself.

Tyler: Umm… Owen? I think we were supposed to cook them first.

Owen: I'm fine! Seriously. (Right after he says this, he falls to the ground, unconscious.)

Chris: Uh-oh. Tyler, you can just drag Owen on up to the medical tent. I think there's going to be quite a few people over there soon. (Tyler nods at his assignment, and starts to drag Owen away. Chef meanwhile, moves over to Katie and Sadie.)

Chef: Here you are, bitches. (He takes out a huge scorpion, the size of the plate.)

Sadie: Scorpions shouldn't be that big!

Chef: We grow em special here. (He walks to the next pair, cackling madly.) Homeschool and Nintendo boy, you get this. (He slides a big jellyfish onto their plate.)

Harold: Ah, the Portuguese Man o' War. This is, in fact, not even a jellyfish but a siphonophore, which differs from jellyfish in that it is not actually a single creature, but a colonial organism made up of many minute individuals called zooids.

Chef: If you think anybody cares about the crap that just spewed from your mouth, you're horribly mistaken. (Next up is Bridgette and Sierra, and he gives them a lock of deadly nightshade.)

Sierra: Ah, nightshade. Just as I suspected.

Bridgette: Do you think you can cook away the poison? (Sierra shrugs, and Bridgette swallows nervously.)

Chef: Here you are, marshmallow! (He gives DJ a live bunny.)

DJ: What? This isn't poisonous! This is just a cute little bunny!

Chris: Oh really. (He snaps his fingers. Suddenly, the bunny grows razor sharp fangs, and starts mauling DJ.)

**Confession Cam**

**Chris: Okay, sometimes I feel we feast too much off of DJ's animal curse for content. But it makes for great TV! **

**End of Confessionals**

Chef: Now, for the Screaming… uh, whatever it's called nowadays! (He hands Noah and Trent a sack filled with mushrooms.)

Noah (peering into the sack): Well if it isn't Conocybe filaris. I know this particular species of fungi rather well. Extremely deadly.

Chef: It's just a mushroom! Geez! I eat these in the forest all the time!

Noah: Then you're probably going to die soon.

Chef (sarcastically): Thanks for the heads up, scrawny. (He heads over to Izzy and Gwen, and hands Izzy a skewer piercing through three poisonous frogs.)

Izzy: Yay! Extra poisonous! Excellent! (She licks one of the frogs.) Oh, I love this kind! This'll be great!

Beth: What do you have for us, Chef? (Chef smiles evilly.)

Chef: Do you want to know what I have in store for you two?

Lindsay: Yeah!

Chef: It's the most disgusting, toxic food on the planet! Most people go into nervous spasms just thinking about it! (He whips out a granola bar.) The elder granola bar.

Beth: What?

Chef: The elder granola bar is a mix of all the most disgusting things on the planet. It is deadly, poisonous, and just plain revolting. So I'm giving it to you. Congratulations.

Lindsay: Yay! We won a prize!

Beth: Not exactly, Lindsay.

Chef: And for us… (He takes out normal fettuccine noodles.) FETTUCCINE!

Trent: How is fettuccine poisonous?

Chef: Who said it was?

Sierra: Chris, that's so unfair! (Chris shrugs.)

Chris: Hey, sometimes life isn't fair. So remember, all you have to do is prepare the food in whatever way you can to get rid of the poison. The pair whose eater is affected least severely by the food is the winners, and wins immunity for their team. Ready to cook?

Izzy: Yeah! (No one else joins her.)

Chris: Aw, have a little enthusiasm.

Gwen: Rot in hell.

Chris: Someone's cranky.

**Which pair will win it for their team?**

**How far will Katie and Sadie's conflict go?**

**What will happen with the date between Ezekiel and Bridgette?**

**Will Alejandro ever stop being a knot?**

**And who will be eliminated on the next dramatic, gut-churning chapter of**

**Total Drama Returns!**

**NEXT TIME: **The campers have fun cooking, and a date between two contestants is less than satisfactory. Plus, the conflict between two Killer Redwoods heats up to the maximum, and plays a huge role in the next campfire ceremony, where Chris has now taken the practice of interrogating them before the vote.


	21. Day 6 Part 3: Battle of the BFFs

**Total Drama Returns**

The Cheesebub's Message: The poll is still up! You can still vote to see what the prize is! The review # is getting near! WARNING: MAJOR DRAMA ALERT THIS CHAPTER. YOU WERE WARNED.

**Noah914—**Best chapter yet? Really? Aww, shucks. Personally, I think these last few chapters have not been up to my usual quality. I feel that there will be just so much more material once the merge comes around. And there's quite the surprise at the Final 15. You'll see.

**colbyleebrown—**Ezzy's possible, but right now, it's more of a crazy friendship, where both of them are kind of delusional. They would pair up in a challenge, but they're on separate teams. Though perhaps they could compete against each other.

**Jack Dupree—**Cool. Don't know if you're at this chapter yet, but if you are, I guess you stayed true to your word.

**Nagasha—**Uh-oh. I don't want people roaring for my blood! Wait a minute. You're roaring for my blood, too? I love the Kobold Necromancer! I truly do! I thought it would just work for breaking the fourth wall at that moment. But it seems you're the only one roaring for my blood, so I guess people understood it was not a hateful remark to the legendary author. Either that, or people just didn't roar for my blood because my fanfiction isn't popular enough to be flamed. Probably the ladder. But anyways, my apologies if I truly enraged you, I didn't think someone would get angry. If it's any consolation, I am very grateful that you review more consistently than many others.

**The Slasher—**Geoff will get better. It's just a matter of time. And yeah, Ezekiel is funny, not only in my fanfiction, but in almost anything.

**PS2wizard—**I also don't know if you're at this chapter yet. Anyways, glad you like the love triangle.

**Yman—**Noah might get the better of Trent someday, but for now, it looks like he's on the bottom. Wow, I guess people like Ezekiel.

**gwenfan—**Hey, the guy's a villain. He's gotta be mean.

***blank*- **Thanks. And there will be Trentney moments :)

**Day 6 Part 3—Chapter 21: Battle of the BFFs**

Izzy: Aye, matey, let us joust! (She starts jabbing at Gwen's face with her poisonous frog skewer.)

Gwen: Can you stop, and start cooking? Everybody's already started!

Izzy: I wonder how far I can stick this thing up my nose? (Gwen groans and slaps her hand to her forehead.)

Gwen: You know what, Izzy? You do what you want.

Izzy: Cool! (She runs off)

Gwen: Oh no. Who knows what she went to do?

Trent (from across the table): You know, you really should put a leash on that thing.

Gwen: Nobody needs your unnecessary commentary, Trent!

Noah (slapping Trent on the back): And you should get cooking, bub.

Trent (holding up their sack of mushrooms): How am I even supposed to cook these?

Noah (sarcastically): Hmm… I dunno, maybe by taking it and putting it on a stove? Unless you don't know what "cooking" means.

Trent: Fine. (Trent walks over to the stove, and flicks it on. Immediately, it explodes in his face. His hair on fire and his face scorched, he turns to Chris.) What was the point of that?

Chris: What do you mean? That's a quality stove you just destroyed!

Trent: All I did was turn it on!

Chris: Oh. Well that's your problem.

Trent: Oh, come on! (Meanwhile, Harold is looking at the giant jellyfish on his plate in wonder.)

Harold: *sigh*… This brings back memories of the markets I used to visit in Chinatown. Roasted eel, crocodile legs, cat stomachs…

Ezekiel: Shhh! The trainer needs absolute silence if he is to succeed. (He is standing over the jellyfish, I knife drawn.) The trainer sees a wild Tentacool! But can he catch it?

Harold: Ezekiel, please stop—

Ezekiel: Shhh! The trainer takes a step forward, and then… HE STRIKES! (He hurls the knife downward, and pierces the very center of the jellyfish. A gush of poison and gunk shoots up, and it almost hits Harold's face.)

Harold: It was already dead!

Ezekiel: But now it's mine ta keep, eh! (He stuffs the jellyfish in his pants) Safe keeping.

Harold: I have to eat that!

Ezekiel: Not noo, ya don't! (Bridgette is watching all this in horror.)

Bridette (to Sierra): Do you see that? (She beckons to Ezekiel, who still has the jellyfish stuffed in his pants.) I have to go on a date with that man!

Sierra (beads of sweat on her face): Please, can you stop talking? I'm trying to cook an extremely poisonous lock of nightshade, here! (With a long butcher's knife, she is chopping it into tiny pieces. Every time she does this, a thin stream of poison shoots out.)

Bridgette: Oops. Sorry. Is there anything I can do to help?

Sierra: Stop complaining about the date, and just go with it!

Bridgette: But Geoff… (She looks over at the party dude, and sees that he has his hat pulled over his entire face.) I feel so bad for him!

Sierra: Like you said, it's just as friends. You can just tell Geoff.

Bridgette: Yeah, you're right! Thanks, Sierra!

Sierra: Don't mention it. (Meanwhile, at the Screaming Ivy table, Courtney and Chef are bickering nonstop)

Courtney: I refuse to eat fettuccine uncooked! It is against my moral principles!

Chef: Bitch, shut your yappin'! You're lucky I even got something that aint poisonous!

Courtney: You know what? I don't care! Now go get some boiling water, and COOK MY PASTA!

Chef: No way, girl! I aint doin' anything for you! You aint never done anything for me!

Courtney: Hmm… How about if I offer you a piece of my one hundred thousand dollars, when I win?

Chef: How much?

Courtney: Hmm… a cent, is that good for you?

Chef: A cent? Is that a lot?

Courtney: Oh, yeah. It's enough money for you to get out of this stupid show and start your own career as a ballet dancer!

Chef: Really? Though actually, I'm more into figure skating, now.

Courtney: Then you can become a figure skater! You can be whatever you want to be, Chef! Now… COOK MY PASTA!

Chef: Fine. But I aint takin' orders from you every episode, you got that?

Courtney: Whatever. Now do it. (Chef grabs the fettuccine noodles, and walks off.)

**Confession Cam**

**Chef: You might think me a wimp for takin' orders from prissy girl, but I know that I need to find a way to get a chunk of the money. And I'm getting' a cent! Now how about that? I aint no idiot, that for sure. **

**Harold: I just have to say this to Georgina, who is somewhere in the dark recesses of Ezekiel's drawer, most likely. I MISS YA, BABE! PLEASE COME HOME! **

**End of Confessionals**

Katie: Are you sure you're doing it right? (She is watching Sadie, who is preparing the giant scorpion to eat.)

Sadie: Trust me, Katie, this is, like, a walk in the park for me.

Katie: Sure it is. You're probably going to get me killed, you know that?

Sadie: Then maybe you would stop complaining!

Katie: You're fat.

Sadie: Why would you just randomly say that?

Katie: I don't know. Just felt like I should remind you.

Sadie: OMG, you really are a bitch!

Katie: Whatever, loser. (Across the table, DJ is still getting mauled by the bunny.)

DJ: Gah! Geoff, man, you gotta help me! (However, Geoff is too busy moping) Fine! I guess I just have to do this myself! (DJ grabs onto the table for support, and rips the bunny off of his own head. Taking it in his arms, he walks outside.)

DJ: Run free, little rabbit! I could never hurt you! (He drops it on the ground. The bunny starts to hop away, but a vulture swoops down, grabs it in its claws, and flies off.)

DJ: NOOOO! (Chris comes up behind him and pats him on the back.)

Chris: Awww… it'll be okay, DJ.

DJ: R-r-really?

Chris: Nope! Because now you're out of the challenge! (He walks off, laughing. When he gets inside, he looks at the pairs, who are still cooking.) You have fifteen minutes left, people!

Beth: But we're not even close to being done!

Chef: Oh, don't worry about the Elder Granola Bar. No cooking required. All you have to do is take a bite. (He grins evilly)

Lindsay: Really? Cool!

Chef: Yep. (He winks at her.)

Courtney: Can you stop flirting with the girls over there? My pasta's burning!

Chef (calmly): It aint burning. (He turns to the pot, and sees it on fire.) IT'S BURNING! (He grabs Harold's face, and slams it into the pot. This puts out the fire.)

Harold (rubbing his cheek): Gosh! Why did you do that?

Chef: Everyone knows that you can always put out a fire with a nerdy boy's face!

Harold: Gosh, that's so inaccurate, it's not even—(He is cut off by Chef shoving him out the door.)

Chef: Now, back to work.

Noah: Uh-oh. You better hurry up, Trent. Next he's gonna try to put out a fire with _my _face!

Trent: Hm. It might help you in the looks department.

Noah: Still insulting me, huh? In case you didn't know, you don't have any advantage over me, anymore.

Trent (under his breath): That's what you think.

Noah: What?

Trent: Nothing. (He holds up the sack, which is now charred on the outside.) All cooked! (Noah reaches over and opens it. He scowls.)

Noah: Yep. Too bad you cooked it so much the mushrooms completely disintegrated.

Trent: You know, at least they're not poisonous anymore.

Noah: Actually, they probably still are.

Trent: Well then I guess it's your lucky day.

**Confession Cam**

**Noah: Okay, now I'm nervous. I get the better of Trent, and he still treats me like **_**he **_**has the better of me! What could he have done? Has he planted a bomb in the confessional or something? (He lifts up the toilet seat, and finds a time bomb, ticking away. His eyes grow wide.)**

**Izzy (from outside the confessional): Boom boom! (Noah groans, and rolls his eyes.)**

**End of Confessionals**

**Infirmary**

Cody: Alejandro, it's gonna be alright.

Alejandro: Where's the doctor? I need a doctor!

Cody: I love that song! _I need a doctor, doctor… To bring me back to life! _By Eminem and Dr. Dre, right?

Alejandro: I've never heard of it. The only music I listen to is soft rock mariachi webbed together by soft guitar strums echoing in the background.

Cody: Wow, you really are injured!

Alejandro: My music choice is considered the best in all of Mexico.

Cody: Sure thing. Hey! Here comes the doctor! (Chef walks in, wearing a nurse uniform.)

Alejandro: Ah, good. Would you like to know about the symptoms? The cause? The medication I've been taking since?

Chef: Nope. (He raises a large needle to the sky.)

Alejandro: Uh… what are you doing? Why do you need that? (Chef shrugs.)

Chef: I just like givin' people shots. (And with that, he descends upon Alejandro. The latino's screams echo throughout the camp.)

**Mess Hall**

Chris: Hm. I wonder what that was. Whatever. It's time for the taste test, people! Everybody stand next to your partner. (People shuffle around.)

Chris: Alright! We'll start with Gwen and… where'd Izzy go?

Gwen: I'm not sure.

Chris: Well, since your cook wasn't here, I guess you'll just have to eat your frog skewer raw.

Gwen: But that could be completely detrimental to my health!

Chris: That's not my problem.

Gwen: I refuse.

Chris: You can't refuse. Either you eat it, or your team automatically loses.

Gwen: Fine! (She takes the frogs off the skewer, and one by one, pops them into her mouth.)

Beth: How is it?

Gwen: Pretty good, actually.

Chris: What? They're supposed to be uber poisonous! (He turns to Chef)

Chef: Oops. I guess I didn't collect the poisonous kind.

Chris: Well that's no fun! I wanted her to be seriously injured!

Courtney: I can help you with that. (She rolls up her sleeve and makes a fist, smirking at Gwen.)

Chris: Nah, I guess she gets off easy this time. Well, so far Gwen has set a pretty high standard for the challenge. Can the other pairs live up to it?

Lindsay (raising her hand excitedly): Oh! Me next! Me next!

Chris: Okay, Lindsay, go for it. (Lindsay excitedly bites into the Elder Granola Bar. A second later, her head bloats up, followed by her belly, her legs, her arms, and then, finally, her boobs.)

Chris: And I thought they couldn't get any bigger.

Lindsay: Oh, I don't feel so good…

Beth: Chef! You said that the Elder Granola Bar didn't need to be cooked!

Chef: Hey, everybody makes mistakes. Everybody has those days.

Noah: Wow, reference to Hannah Montana, much?

Chef: Don't insult me! (He turns to Chris) Make the scrawny boy go next.

Chris: Don't mind if I do. Noah, it's your turn to try out whatever Trent cooked up.

Trent: It'll be fine, Noah. Just do it.

Noah: Alright… Say, can I have a glass?

Chris: I don't see why not. (He hands Noah a glass. Noah opens the sack, and pours the black dust that used to be the mushrooms into the cup. It fills it to the brim.)

Trent: Looks pretty delicious, don't you think?

Noah: Ulp. (He grabs the glass and pours some of the black dust into his mouth. He chokes, and coughs it back up onto the floor.)

Chris: And Noah just couldn't hold on!

Noah: It was like eating an ashtray!

Chris: Aw, and all that delicious food, gone to waste. But if you need to find away to dispose of it, there's only one way to go! (He whistles, and Owen runs over. The fat boy grabs the cup, and stuffs it down his throat.)

Owen: Mmm… smoky.

Chris: Well, so far Gwen has been the only one on the Screaming Ivy to completely eat all of her food and not have any side effects. Courtney and Chef, can you?

Sierra: Well of course they can! All Courtney has to eat are fettuccine noodles!

Courtney: _Slightly overcooked _fettuccine noodles.

Chef: They're cooked perfect! Now eat up!

Courtney: OK… but I could die from this, you know… (Bite by bite, she eats the fettuccine, until there is none left. She stands up, proud and tall.) And that's how Courtney does it!

Chris: So both Courtney and Gwen have been able to eat their food without getting side effects!

Bridgette: Chris, that was so unfair! Those two both didn't even have poisonous food!

Chris: Well, you Killer Redwoods should be able to match that, even _with _poison! Now, how about you and Sierra go with your dish?

Bridgette: Okay… (She stares down at the nightshade, which is now cut and cooked in tiny slivers, shaped in the face of Cody.)

Sierra: I am a true Cody culinarian.

Bridgette: Sure you are. (She carefully takes a spoon, and scoops up all the slivers.)

Sierra: NO! YOU DESTROYED CODY! (She tackles Bridgette to the ground.)

Bridgette: I have to eat this, stop—(But she is cut off by Sierra punching her in the face and stealing the spoon. Taking the slices of nightshade, she starts arranging them back into the shape of Cody's face.)

Chris: Well, it looks like Bridgette won't be eating that nightshade anytime soon. Now, both Katie and Harold have to be completely unharmed for the Killer Redwoods to even tie it. Who wants to go first?

Sadie: We'll go! (She turns to Katie and grins.) Ready for this?

Katie: Okay… I trust you, you know that, right?

Sadie: Of course. (She holds out the scorpion.) Have some.

Katie: If you really got rid of the poison. (She bites in. There is a moment of silence as Katie chews.)

Katie: Seems okay… (Suddenly, her face turns purple, and she falls backward onto the floor in a pile of vomit, convulsing uncontrollably.)

Sadie (towering above her): Ha ha! You think you're so much better than me, well how about now? (She looks down at Katie, and her eyes grow wide in fear.) Oh no… what have I done? What… have… I… done… (She also falls backward, her face purple and vomit streaming out her own mouth.)

Harold: Whoa! Because they're connected, the poison affected both of them!

Gwen: Chris! They both could be dead!

Chris: Oh no! I don't want dead contestants! Maybe severely injured, but not dead! Chef, wheel them away! (Chef takes the two of them, puts them on a stretcher, and races off.)

Bridgette: Did Sadie actually try to poison Katie?

Chris: Well, it doesn't quite matter, now. Because the Killer Redwoods are going to be voting off a player later this evening. Even if Ezekiel and Harold did succeed, it wouldn't be enough. So I'll see your sorry asses later tonight.

Ezekiel: NOOOOO! A trainer never loses a battle!

Chris: I'm afraid you did today, Ezekiel.

**Confession Cam**

**Ezekiel: This cannot be happenin', eh! What did the trainer ever do to deserve this? He trained, he leveled up, he did everything right! So why? WHY? **

**Geoff: I'm voting for myself tonight, no matter what. I'm just too depressed to go on. **

**Gwen: Well, our team got a win today. And I helped to win it! Maybe this will finally prove my worth to the team. Maybe. **

**Bridgette: So Ezekiel and I will have the date right before the Campfire Ceremony tonight. Hopefully, I won't become too mentally scarred from the date to vote. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Infirmary**

(Katie slowly opens her eyes, and moans.)

Katie: Uggh… where am I? (She rolls over, and sees Sadie lying next to her.) Sadie… (Sadie's eyes open, and she looks at Katie sadly.)

Sadie: I'm sorry, Katie.

Katie: Why? What happened?

Sadie: I… I poisoned you, Katie. On purpose.

Katie: I don't know what to say.

Sadie: Please, just accept my sincerest apologies. I just felt so hurt by you calling me fat, and all… I wanted revenge. But now… I just want to be your friend again.

Katie: Really? But I was so mean to you.

Sadie: I was just as mean. And I was the one who went over the edge. Please, we can be BFFs again! Don't you want that?

Katie: I do. I think this was our biggest fight, like, ever.

Sadie: So… we're besties again?

Katie: Yeah. Now did we win, or did we lose the challenge?

Sadie: We lost. So we have to vote somebody off. And I hate to say it, but I think there's a pretty good chance that it'll be you or me.

Katie: So what can we do? (Sadie thinks for a moment, and then a smirk appears on her face.)

Sadie: We can manipulate.

**Confession Cam**

**Katie and Sadie**

**Katie: So Sadie and I are going to try and convince everyone to vote for Ezekiel with us. **

**Sadie: We know that Bridgette's already on our side, so we just need some votes from the guys. **

**Katie: We figured it wouldn't be too hard. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Outside the Killer Redwood Cabin**

(DJ is leaning against the railing, staring out at the sunset, when Katie and Sadie both walk up behind him.)

Sadie: Hi, DJ.

DJ: YAAAAH! (He jumps up in fear, and accidentally hurtles over the railing headfirst, smashing to the ground with a thud. Katie and Sadie rush over and help him up.)

Katie: Are you okay?

DJ: Yeah, you just startled me.

Sadie: We're sorry. So… have any idea about who you're going to vote for tonight?

DJ: I'm not quite sure yet, to tell you the truth.

Katie: Well, we have a suggestion.

Sadie: And it starts with an "E".

DJ: Eva? But she's already out!

Katie: No, silly! Ezekiel!

DJ: Hmm… Ezekiel, you say?

Sadie: Yeah. Don't you think his Pokémon obsession is getting pretty annoying?

DJ: Yeah. Kinda.

Katie: Well, Sadie, Bridgette, and I are voting for him. Maybe you could convince a few of your guy friends to vote for him?

DJ: Let's see… Tyler might be up for it. Harold too. Probably not Owen. Definitely Geoff.

Sadie: Cool! So you'll tell them?

DJ: Yep. We'll decide.

Katie: Okey doke! (She gives DJ a kiss on the cheek. The brickhouse watches them go.)

**Confession Cam**

**DJ: Too bad I had to lie to those sweet girls. But it's just not going to work that way. You see, Tyler, the horrible mathematician that he is, was somehow able to see the numbers first. There are six of us guys. Four of those girls. We've got a huge advantage over them. So… we started the next guy's alliance. We already know who we're voting for tonight. So really, their attempt was useless. (He thinks for a second.) Wow, I've never been more strategic in all my life! **

**End of Confessionals**

(Bridgette is sitting in a chair on top of a grassy hill, wearing her normal clothes. Before her is a huge feast of all sorts of food. A huge clump of candles sits in the very center.)

Bridgette: I don't know where you get this stuff, Sierra. Now… let's see when that Ezekiel finally shows up. (She stares out at the water, which is now pink from the dying sunset. She looks back at the feast, and waits. For about fifteen minutes, nobody arrives.)

Bridgette: If he ditched, I'll be really fed up. (Suddenly, there is a rustling in the bushes.) Ezekiel? Is that you? (The rustling stops. Now the only sound is Bridgette's beating heart. Nothing happens for about two minutes.)

Bridgette: Must've just been the wind. (Suddenly, a blur flies out of the bushes. It lands on the ground, revealing itself to be Ezekiel, wearing a full Pokémon trainer getup. He whips out a rock.)

Bridgette: Wow, you really dressed up for the occasion!

Ezekiel: I dress up for any important capture, eh!

Bridgette: Wait, what—(Suddenly, the rock slams into her head.) Ow!

Ezekiel: The capturin' device didn't work! (He takes out another rock, and hurls it at her again. However, this time Bridgette dodges.) Wow! A feisty Pokémon! I can't wait to catch it! (He then takes out a huge pile of rocks. One by one, he starts hurling them at her.)

Ezekiel (as he hurls the rocks): I wanna be, the very best, like no one ever was! To catch them is my real test, to train them is my cause! I will travel, across the land! Searching far wide! It's Pokémon, to understand! The power that's inside! (Suddenly, he realizes he has run out of rocks. He turns to Bridgette, and sees her standing in the middle of a pile them, looking so angry that he flinches.)

Bridgette (rubbing her forehead): WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM? (Ezekiel is silent after this. Bridgette glares at him, heaving up and down.)

Ezekiel: Hello.

Bridgette: Shut up! (Ezekiel shuts up, and he stares at her, almost afraid.)

Bridgette: When will you act like a normal person? Oh, wait, I know! Never! Because you'll never be normal! In fact, you're incapable of being normal! And everyone is really fed up with it! You know, I tried to be nice. I tried to give you help fitting in. But all you do is become weirder and weirder! And because of that, nobody will ever accept you into society, let alone this camp! You ruined my relationship with Geoff, and now you come here and start pelting me with rocks! So, you know what? Don't be surprised when you're voted off tonight! (And with that, she stomps off. Ezekiel stands there, watching her. Then he walks over to the table spread and eats a spoonful of something from a bowl.)

Ezekiel: Mmm. That's some good caviar, if I do say so meself, eh.

**Confession Cam**

**Bridgette: I can't believe Ezekiel. I just can't believe him. **

**Ezekiel: Maybe that's one Pokémon I can do without catching, that Bridgette.**

**End of Confessionals**

**Campfire Pit**

Chris: Well, if it isn't the Killer Redwoods. You know, by being in this Campfire Ceremony, you get to enjoy my new interrogating techniques!

Sierra: And what do you mean by that?

Chris: I'll be asking thought-provoking questions at Campfire Ceremonies from now on, just like Jeff Probst, from Survivor! So tell me, Sierra, was my hair better today, or yesterday?

Sierra: Oh, I can't decide! Don't ask such difficult questions!

Harold: That's not thought-provoking!

Chris: Fine, here's one for Tyler. What's 3 plus 2?

Tyler: Ow! You're bending my brain far beyond its capacity!

Sadie: Chris, by interrogating, that means you have to ask things about our teammates, and our situation in the game.

Chris: Watch Survivor, do you? Well, I think it's not nearly as entertaining as this show. Who agrees with me? (Everyone is silent.) Well, that's hurtful. Okay, I'll ask some questions. Geoff, if today were a type of cereal, what would it be?

Geoff: High-fiber twelve-oat flakes. With extra bran.

Chris: Man. Must've had a bad day. Owen, how do you feel about your position in the game?

Owen: I like waffles.

Chris: What does that have to do with the question I just asked? You know what? I won't ask you questions. You obviously don't know how to answer. So, Sadie, you poisoned your best pal Sadie. On purpose! Something tells me karma might come back and bite you in your oversized butt.

Sadie: That's possible, but Katie and I are besties again, so everything's alright!

DJ: I disagree. I think everything's not alright, because how can we trust Sadie if she almost killed someone? It could easily be one of us next.

Chris: DJ's got a point there.

Sadie: Yeah, but we've already got DJ and his pals with us for this vote. We're taking out Ezekiel.

Ezekiel: What? The trainer will not fall just yet! He will triumph!

Chris: Looks like Ezekiel hasn't given up yet. Now, Tyler, answer this question for me. Would you rather vote off Ezekiel, or Sadie?

Tyler: I disagree.

Chris: It's a question, Tyler! You can't disagree!

Tyler: Oh. I just thought it sounded really good when DJ said it.

Chris: Your mom must be so proud of you. Well, one more question before the vote. Bridgette, do you think Geoff and you can get back together?

Bridgette: We were never apart. My date with Ezekiel wasn't even a date, and it was a mistake. Geoff is the only cereal-loving party boy for me. (Suddenly, Geoff gets up and starts doing a jig.)

Geoff: Hooray! My granola goddess and I made up!

Chris: Looks like someone's happy. Anyways, it's time to vote. Everybody, to the Confession Cam.

**Confession Cam**

**Tyler: Who to vote for? Who to vote for? I'm thinking maybe I should vote for Chris. He was kind of rude and didn't accept my cleverness at the interrogation. **

**Katie and Sadie: Bye bye, Zeke. **

**Bridgette: I have to vote for Ezekiel. See ya. **

**Geoff: Now that I'm with Bridgette again, I don't have to vote for myself, or Ezekiel! I can go with the original dude alliance plan! **

**Owen: Have any of you ever noticed how much the toilet seat looks like a donut? And I like donuts. (He licks his lips)**

**Sierra: (She looks down at the toilet, and finds the toilet seat missing) Okay, who stole the toilet seat? (There is a burp from outside.) OWEN! **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: Alright, the votes have been cast. And it's a close one. But one of you will not receive a granola bar, and that's the sad truth. In fact, I'm tearing up right now. But the person that does not receive a granola bar must take a walk down the Dock of Shame, climb aboard the Boat of Losers, and never return. Ever. Even though this show is called Total Drama Returns. Now, the first three granola bars go to Geoff, DJ, and Harold.

Geoff: Oh yeah! Guys' alliance! (The three fist bump.)

Sierra: What? You guys have a guys' alliance?

Geoff: You didn't hear that.

Chris: Well, Sierra and Bridgette, both of you girls are still safe. So you can beat up the guys for plotting behind your backs.

Sierra: Sounds fun. But I've got somewhere to be. (She races off.)

Chris: Shouldn't be anything to worry about. Tyler, Owen… you guys also get your granola bars.

Tyler: Yes! (He hurls himself at Owen in excitement, but sinks into this belly, then flies out and lands in the water.)

Chris: Can that guy ever get through a chapter without hurting himself? Anyways, it's Katie, Ezekiel, and Sadie in the bottom three. The next granola bar goes to… Katie.

Katie: Hooray! What about Sadie?

Chris: Not so fast. It appears that Sadie got a few votes tonight. And so did Ezekiel.

Ezekiel: They just fear me, eh! They fear the master Pokémon trainer!

Chris: Please stop talking. Now, one of you will receive a granola bar. The other, sadly, will not. So who's it gonna be? The final granola bar goes to…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

Ezekiel!

Ezekiel: Take that, eh! The trainer shows ya how it's done! (He runs up and grabs his granola bar.)

Katie: No! This can't be!

Sadie: But… how? (Then she looks over at Tyler, DJ, Harold, Geoff, Owen, and Ezekiel, all high-fiving, and it clicks.) They… they blindsided me!

Katie: Sadie! Why you? (The two cling to each other, sobbing.)

Harold: Hey, how could you not see it coming? You frickin' poisoned somebody! (Chris walks over to the two.)

Chris: Well, it's time to say goodbye to your BFF, Sadie.

Katie: No! I'm going with her! We're connected, we stay connected!

Chris: Yeah, about that… we can't have any double eliminations this season, so… (He takes out a pair of scissors.)

Katie: You wouldn't.

Chris: Actually, I would. I'm afraid I have to snip the bond. (He raises the scissors up to the sky, and then brings them down. Katie and Sadie's screams ring out through the night.)

**Infirmary**

Alejandro: Ahh… I guess that shot actually worked. (He is completely untangled now, and is laying relaxed on his stretcher. Suddenly, Trent walks in.)

Trent: Good to see you've healed.

Alejandro: I heal quickly, amigo. It is in my genes.

Trent: In your jeans? That's weird. But as much as I care about your well-being, I have something I want to show you. (Noticing Alejandro's creeped out facial expression, he stutters.) Not like that! I mean this. (He holds up a video tape.)

Alejandro: What's that?

Trent: You're about to see. (He walks over to one of the TVs in the infirmary, and slides the video in.)

**Outside the Screaming Ivy Cabin**

Cody: Wait, no—(The door slams open, and he goes flying out of the girls' side. He lands on the grass with a painful crunch.)

Cody: Aw, c'mon! Won't Gwen ever say yes to a date? (Suddenly, he hears a loud banging. He whips his head around, and his eyes grow wide. Flashing lights bathe his face.) Wow! What is that?

**Campfire Pit**

Geoff (patting Katie on the back): It's okay. Sadie had to go. We can't have people poisoning each other. (Katie whimpers sadly.)

Bridgette: It's no use, Geoff. She'll need at least a day to get over it. (The party boy nods, and walks away, followed by Bridgette, leaving Katie alone.)

**Confession Cam**

**Katie: That stupid guy alliance! They totally went behind my back and got rid of my best friend! But you know what? I'll see to it that each and every one of those boys is eliminated. Starting with Ezekiel. Just you wait. (She rubs her hands together)**

**End of Confessionals**

**Is Katie the new Killer Redwood strategist? **

**How much weirder will Ezekiel get? **

**What is this structure that Cody sees? **

**Can the guys' alliance stay strong?**

**What about Bridgette and Geoff's relationship? Can that stay strong, too?**

**Will Trent regret showing Alejandro the footage? **

**And what sort of depraved challenges will the campers have to compete in on the next dramatic episode of**

**Total Drama Returns!**

**Eliminated: Heather, Duncan, Eva, Leshawna, Justin, Sadie**

**Still in the Game: ****Noah, Katie, Cody, Trent, Lindsay, Beth, Harold, Tyler, Izzy, Owen, Sierra, Alejandro, Gwen, Courtney, Geoff, Bridgette, DJ, Ezekiel**

**Note: Sorry to all Sadie fans. There could be some out there, though probably not many. As you can see, Katie's role has morphed into a semi-antagonist for the Killer Redwoods. That team needed more drama so I figured it needed somebody who wasn't so… well, happy all the time. Don't worry, she won't be as evil as Trent. Also, sorry there wasn't much Izzy this chapter. One other thing… you guys will definitely reach the number, if you review like you did last chapter and previous ones. Also, scroll down through the votes to see a preview of next episode. **

**Votes: **

Bridgette—Ezekiel

Owen—**Sadie**

Tyler—**Sadie**

Geoff—**Sadie**

Katie—Ezekiel

Sadie—Ezekiel

Sierra—Owen

DJ—**Sadie**

Harold—**Sadie**

Ezekiel—**Sadie**

**Sadie: 6**

Ezekiel: 3

Owen: 1

**Next time: **At the grand Wawanakwa carnival, there is plenty of fun to be had! Gut-churning coasters, cheap carnival games, and plenty of backstabbing galore!


	22. Day 7 Part 1: A Day at the Carnival

**Total Drama Returns**

The Cheesebub's Message: The number is so close! SO CLOSE! You guys are seriously just a few reviews away! So keep the reviewing strong! This chapter is an interesting one, but there's a lot of romance, to warn you. Like A LOT a lot. Including quite a few couples forming. Hey, it's a carnival. There are haunted houses, ferris wheels… all the best places for making out.

**TotalDramaKingdomHearts—**Wow, what a long review! Thanks! I think that Katie's plot-turn was the only way I could help her be interesting without Sadie, because when the thing happened vice-versa in TDI, they pretty much threw aside Sadie as if she didn't even exist. What part of Geoff don't you like? I agree, though, there is something about him that bugs me. Though I doubt Bridgette will end up with Trent. Why? Refer to chapter 7. You can expect Trentney, but not Trette. Yes, the Noah and Trent conflict is close to the maximum, so I decided to shake things up even more and bring Alejandro into the picture. There is quite a bit of Izzy this chapter, and even a little Nizzy. No promises on how long Ezekiel will stay, but I think he'll definitely make his mark on the show. I plan on Ezekiel switching around personalities every chapter, and I gotta say, it makes for a lot of hilarity. You pretty much got this next part spot on. Please, I didn't copy you. I had it planned for a long time. Noah will find a way to get some dirt on Trent, don't worry. Good thing somebody likes the Gwen/Courtney rivalry. Nobody else seems to. Gwody? Possible. You never know. So you want Sierra and Owen eliminated soon, Duncan to return, and Alejandro, Noah, Gwen, Trent, and Izzy to make it far? I already made the elimination order, but it's interesting to see who people want to make it far and who they want eliminated early. As you can see, for such a long review, you get an almost equally long response. Once again, thanks!

**Pandah N. Reaper—**It's okay. Everyone has a chapter they don't review. You're right. I'm really not sure _what _Izzy is. What, you don't like Chef's vocabulary? Or you don't like the fact that he doesn't understand the word "autobiography"? Soft rock mariachi webbed together by soft guitar strums echoing in the background. Yeah, I have no idea what it is, either. I also didn't think they could get any bigger. Yeah, what Sadie did was pretty much a sealed deal for sending her home. I never liked her, either. POWER TO THE BRIDGETTE! Are you talking about the part where she pretty much disses Ezekiel? Don't worry, this carnival has plenty of circus, too.

**Darkmist914 (both reviews)—**Ah, changed your name, I see. Please don't punch your computer. Then you wouldn't be able to read this fic. Also, to your PM… if someone chooses a person that is already in the final 5, that makes it easier for me. And now they still get the satisfaction of knowing that their favorite character is already in the final 5.

**colbyleebrown—**Trent might become good at the end of the story, and might end up with Gwen. That's one thing I actually haven't decided yet. And yes, I'll tell you now, a character returns. I won't tell you if it is one that's been already eliminated, or one that is going to get eliminated in the future. But they come back in a way that isn't cheap, or anything like that. They actually return as part of the game play. You'll see.

**Nagasha—**Wow. I have never yet had someone say they hate the way I write a character. Wow. I guess my Courtney isn't very good, now that I think about it, but that's mostly because I have to write for so many characters, and it becomes hard to perfect them all. But I promise you'll see a better Courtney, and that she and Gwen might even find common ground, through a common enemy—Trent.

**Chris Mclean TDR—**I was also glad to see Sadie go. Wow, I guess people want Cody and Gwen to get together. Maybe it should happen.

* * *

Chris Mclean: Last time, on Total Drama Returns… Friendships were strained on a particularly not so heartwarming episode, where team members were paired up with their "best friend" to compete in a variety of challenges. Conflicts between Noah and Trent, Katie and Sadie, and Chef and Courtney especially arose. Not only that, but Ezekiel managed to tick off pretty much everyone with his new Pokémon obsession. However, it was not he who went home, but Sadie, who was blindsided by a newly formed Killer Redwoods Guys Alliance, due to the fact that she purposely tried to poison Katie during a cooking challenge. Katie was mad to lose her best friend, and swore revenge on the Guys' Alliance. Can she take them out before they pick her off? And now that Trent has shown Alejandro his piece of evidence against Noah, what will the Latino do? Find out on today's episode of Total Drama Returns!

**(Theme Song Plays)**

**Day 7 Part 1—Chapter 22: A Day at the Carnival**

**(Late Night)**

**Infirmary**

Trent: Well, there you have it. (He takes out the video from the video player, and slips it into his pocket.)

Alejandro: So… Noah's been faking it all along?

Trent: Since the moment he stepped into that cast.

Alejandro: This is appalling information. Have you told Courtney? Anyone else?

Trent: Nope. I prefer to keep this a secret between you and me.

Alejandro: When _do_ you plan to show it to everyone else?

Trent: Soon enough. I want the dweeb gone next. But for now, we need to just make sure that Noah never gets a hold of this thing.

Alejandro: Of course, amigo. You have my word.

Trent: Excellent. Ready to go back to the cabin?

Alejandro: I'm right behind you.

**Confession Cam**

**Alejandro: So Trent comes up to me in the infirmary and tells me about this footage he has of Noah faking his injury. Man, he's taking this alliance thing pretty seriously. But he doesn't know how I play this game. That Trent… he's been hogging the position of main antagonist for far too long. He doesn't realize I plan to reclaim it. And to reclaim that position, you have to make big moves. This is the big move I've been waiting for. All I have to do is show Noah the video, and together, we can plot the demise of Trent! With a little help from Gwen, we can take him out!**

**Trent: I think I can trust Alejandro. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Killer Redwoods Cabin (Females)**

Katie: Seriously, girls, there's 3 of us, and 6 of them! If we don't do something quick, they'll take us out one by one!

Bridgette: Um, I think that's like, the fifth time you said that.

Sierra: Well, I agree. We just have to find the biggest crack in the alliance.

Katie: That'd be Owen. Or maybe DJ. Both seem too soft to be true cold-blooded blindsiders.

Bridgette: They're _all_ just a bunch of marshmallows. It's amazing that they've talked any strategy at _all_.

Katie: Well, we have to do something. They took out Sadie… so cold-heartedly… (Suddenly, she clenches her teeth in anger.) I _will _get my revenge.

Sierra: Well, I say we target Owen first.

Katie: No way! Ezekiel, all the way!

Sierra: Owen's more dangerous than Ezekiel. And by that, I mean health-wise. (She points at the wall, which is starting to decay.) Guess who sleeps on the other side of that!

Katie: Fine. Owen it is. But we need to find a way to break them up…

Bridgette: That's gonna be hard. Geoff and his pals, well, let's just say they like to get "close".

**Bathroom**

Geoff, Owen, Harold, DJ, Ezekiel, and Tyler: PARTY IN THE BATHROOM! PARTY IN THE BATHROOM! (The six of them are tromping around in their underwear. The toilets have already overflowed, and the water is up to their ankles.)

Tyler: Man, this is the life! We guys are totally schooling them girls!

Geoff: A toast! To the guys! (He takes out a cup, fills it with toilet water, and holds it up in the air. The five others do the same.)

Owen: To the guys!

Tyler: To the guys!

Harold: To the guys!

DJ: To the guys!

Ezekiel: To the guys, eh! (Together, they all gulp down the toilet water, and burp in perfect sync.)

Harold: I'm so happy, I'm not even worried about how unsanitary that just was!

Ezekiel: So what's the plan, eh? Katie, Sierra, and then Bridgette?

Geoff: Um, maybe we could keep Bridgette around a little while longer, don't you think?

Tyler: Dude, this is a _guys'_ alliance! And I'm pretty sure Bridgette isn't a guy! At least, I think she isn't.

Geoff: But, Bridgette… (Owen slaps Geoff on the back.)

Owen: It'll be fine! It'll be one big burp fest at the merge!

Tyler: You got that right! Party on! (He runs forward, but slips in the toilet water and lands on his back with a loud smack.)

Ezekiel: I wanna do that, eh! (He tries to copy Tyler, but instead, lands with his head in the toilet. Owen runs over and flushes it, making the homeschool swirl about, screaming in ecstacy.)

**Confession Cam**

**Ezekiel: Man, I'm on top of the world right noo! They thought they had me oot tonight but I sure showed them! The Pokémon trainer wicked homeo master is around for the long run! I'm so happy, I could take off my pants and run around the entire camp! Say, that's not a bad idea. **

**End of Confessionals**

DJ: Guys, I just wanna let you know how much our friendship means to me.

Harold: Yeah, dude! Who knew a bathroom could be so fun? (Suddenly, he realizes all the others are staring at him.) What?

DJ: You said it.

Geoff: You said the word.

Harold: What word?

Tyler: "Dude"! You said it right there!

Harold: No, but, I… no I… I didn't!

DJ: Yes you did. Don't deny the truth.

Harold: I'll deny the truth all I like! I'm not losing this bet.

Geoff: You said it, so you have to be Owen's underwear slave.

Ezekiel: I hear he's got a ripe pair on the floor back in the cabin, eh.

Harold: No! I refuse!

DJ: You lost the bet fair and square. Now either face the facts, or you can consider yourself out of the guys' alliance.

Harold: Fine! Whatever! God!

**Confession Cam**

**Harold: I feel so ashamed. Like a barbarian. How could I lose the bet? How could I? **

**Geoff: As much as I feel comfortable among the guys' alliance and all, I can't help feeling that this is going to end up costing my dear Bridgette's game. I can't let that happen. If it's Bridgette who they want to oust, I'd rather… I'd rather sacrifice myself. She has a much better chance of winning the money than I'd ever have. (He thinks for a second.) Wow, that was a legit confessional. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Screaming Ivy Cabin (Males)**

Noah: Ah, back with our medical patient, I see. (He looks up from the book he's reading to see Alejandro and Trent enter the cabin.)

Trent: Ah, if it isn't Noah. Enjoying your book?

Noah: Enjoying it as much as I enjoy your company.

Trent: Ooh, must be a bad one. A classic, I presume?

Noah: "Moby Dick".

Trent: What? That sounds quite inappropriate.

Noah: You're charming.

Alejandro: Can't you gentlemen just get along?

Trent: Oh, we get along. In fact, Noah and I know everything about each other. (He winks at the bookworm.)

Noah: I'm going to sleep. Though now I'll probably have nightmares.

Alejandro: Amigos, please! (He looks around) Say, where's Cody?

Noah: Knowing the kid, he probably kidnapped Gwen or was kidnapped by Sierra.

Trent: Well, he'll probably be back soon. I'm getting some shut-eye. And maybe tonight you won't stay up with your stupid book light on?

Noah: Maybe after you stop muttering "nine" in your sleep.

Trent: That is an incurable sleep habit of mine!

Alejandro: Amigos, let us all just get rest, and prepare for tomorrow. I wish you guys a peaceful rest.

Noah: Not gonna happen, with your snores.

Alejandro: I do not snore!

Trent: Yeah you do. It sounds like mariachi music.

Alejandro: Well, like you said, everyone has their incurable sleep habits. (They all stand there, glaring at each other, when they hear the Killer Redwood Guys' whoops coming from the bathroom.)

Alejandro: Now why can't we get along like those guys?

Noah: Obviously reasons about the both of you that I care not to list.

Trent: Oh boy, just you wait, buddy. (And with that, the light flicks off.)

**Screaming Ivy Cabin (Females)**

Courtney: Good night, girls.

Lindsay: Good night.

Beth: Good night.

Izzy: Paul McCartney!

Gwen: Good night.

Courtney: Did I allow you to say good night, Gwen? (Gwen groans, and rolls over. Courtney reaches over, flicks off the light, and sighs with content.) I think we might get an actual good night of sleep tonight. (Three minutes pass with utter silence as the girls start to drift off. Then they are all jolted awake by loud blaring carnival music.)

Courtney (after hitting her head on the ceiling with a thud): Oh, come on!

Beth: What is that? It sounds like a carnival.

Lindsay: Oh, I hate carnivals, with those scary clowns!

Courtney: You know what? I'm going out there and giving Chris a piece of my mind! How dare he wake me up when I am trying to get some sleep! (She troops out, followed by the rest of the females. Gathered outside are the rest of the campers, groggy and confused. Ezekiel, Tyler, Geoff, DJ, Owen, and Harold are all still in their underwear and drenched in toilet water.)

Katie: Put some clothes on, you losers!

Ezekiel: It's a free country, eh!

Trent: Okay, what the f**k is going on right now? (They all turn towards where the music is coming from, and see the huge flashing lights of a giant amusement park. However, it is still only half built. Towering before them is a huge rollercoaster, looking like it could fall over at any moment. Small tents are also set up, and a few other rides are lying around.)

Owen: Hooray! This is so exciting! (Suddenly, Chris runs out from one of the tents.)

Chris: Eh! Get back to sleep!

Courtney: How are we supposed to sleep with that stupid music?

Chris: Who cares? You have to wait until The Grand Wawanakwa Carnival is complete to have any fun!

Gwen: Then what is Cody doing snooping around over there? (Chris whips his head around, and sees Cody tapping the supports of the roller coaster.)

Chris: Hey! Don't touch that!

Cody: Why? (Immediately afterward, with a loud groan, the entire rollercoaster comes crashing down in a heap of wood.)

Chris (staring at the remains): That's why.

Bridgette: And you expected us to ride in that thing?

Chris (shrugging): Hey, you signed a waiver. (He takes out a megaphone and addresses the campers.)

Chris (speaking into the megaphone): Everybody go back to bed! You can come out when we're done! (And with that, he tromps back into the tent. Everyone watches as he goes. They then stand there, looking at each other. That is, except for Izzy, who is already trying out one of the rides.)

Izzy: Izzy love dizzy spin! (She is in a tiny capsule, and presses a button. This makes the top of the capsule slam down on her head, and start spinning so fast it becomes a blur.)

Alejandro: Did she listen to a word of what he just said?

Beth: Wait a minute! That's the Vomit Comet, from Total Drama Action!

Harold: Oh, don't remind me. The memories…

Courtney: Oh boy. If he makes me do that challenge again…

Beth: You refused to do it the first time!

Courtney: Whatever. But I refuse to ride in that thing. (Meanwhile, Geoff notices Katie glaring at him.)

Geoff: Whoa, babe, you got a problem with the hat or something?

Katie: Revenge is on its way. (She grins evilly, and then walks back into the cabin. Geoff stares at her, and then turns back to his pals.)

Geoff: Dudes, ready to go for another bathroom romp?

Tyler: Oh yeah, dude! Let's go! (The six of them race off.)

**Confession Cam**

**Katie: It's only a matter of time before Geoff gets what's coming to him. I'm starting to think we should target him first. **

**Courtney: So Chris is going to be making us ride in our own vomit. If only I could arrange some sort of accident… then my life would be Chris-free. **

**Tyler: I'm psyched about the carnival! And if we do a carnival games challenge, then I'll school everybody! **

**Cody: The support of those rides seriously needed stabilizing. The whole trajectory was completely… (Suddenly, a hand reaches through the window and clamps over his mouth.)**

**Chris (from outside): No geek-talk. I can't stand it. (He draws his hand back out the window.) **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: Chef, are you sure you know what you're doing? (The host is watching the Chef randomly bang on one of the supports of the roller-coaster with a hammer.)

Chef: Chris, I'm 100% sure.

Chris: 100% sure about what?

Chef: 100% sure that the campers will be severely injured if they try riding this coaster.

Chris: That's the attitude I like! (The two high-five, and laugh.)

**(The Next Morning)**

(The sun is high in the sky when Chris walks out to the middle of camp.)

Chris: Campers, outside, now! And come on over to the center of the carnival. (The campers groggily walk out of their cabins in their pajamas, bags under their eyes.)

Sierra: Uggh… Chris was blasting that stupid carnival music all night. Usually he has such good song choice…

Bridgette: I'll never be able to go on a Merry-Go-Round again. (Meanwhile, Alejandro walks up behind Noah and rests a hand on his shoulder.)

Alejandro: Noah. We need to talk.

Noah: About what?

Alejandro: About… things. (He narrows his eyes.) Later today, we need to discuss, these… things.

Noah: I'm pretty sure I don't want to know what these "things" are.

Alejandro: Must you always be so unapproachable? You won't make it very far in the game if you keep this attitude.

Noah: Strip a man of his attitude, and he is nothing. (Before Alejandro can respond, however, the carnival music is cranked to an even higher volume, so much that everyone has to cover their ears in pain.)

Chris (yelling over the music): COME OVER TO THE CENTER OF THE CARNIVAL, AND I'LL SHUT THIS THING OFF! (Everyone runs over, and he turns off the music, as promised.)

Courtney: You. Are. Demented.

Chris: Nice to see you, too. Welcome, campers, to the—OH MY GOD, EZEKIEL, WHY AREN'T YOU WEARING PANTS? (Everyone turns to see Ezekiel wearing no clothing whatsoever.)

Ezekiel: Pants constrain a man! And the Zeke wants to be free! (He flaps his arms for emphasis.)

Chris: Put some pants on, now!

Ezekiel: No way! I made a plan, and that's to not wear pants all day!

Chris: What happened to your Pokémon trainer phase? Can't you go back to that?

Ezekiel: I change, Chris. I find new passions, eh.

Chris: How is not wearing pants a passion?

Ezekiel: You just don't understand passions, Chris.

Chris: I guess I don't. Well, you need to go stand behind that bush, at the very least. This is a kid's show, you know.

Ezekiel: Okey doke! (He eagerly runs to stand behind the bush.)

Chris: Man, my eyes did not need that kind of torture this early in the morning. Anyways, welcome to The Grand Wawanakwa Carnival! A new feature, just for today. Here at The Grand Wawanakwa Carnival, we have many attractions. Rides, food, games… Everything you could ever dream of! Oh, and I almost forgot! We have clowns, too!

Lindsay: Oh no! I hate clowns!

Chris: You'll love this one. He goes by the name of "Chef the Clown"!

Trent: Real original.

Chris: Oh Chef! Why don't you come on out here?

Chef (from inside the Mess Hall): No!

Chris: Yes!

Chef: No!

Chris: Chef, if you don't come out here, you don't get your paycheck. (Grumbling, Chef steps out of the mess hall. He is in a complete clown getup, with makeup, a polka dot suit, a red rubber nose, and gigantic shoes. Lindsay screeches in fear when she sees him and hurls a shoe at his face. It slams into it, and he remains expressionless, a scowl plastered across his face. The rest of the contestants burst into snickers.)

Geoff: Nice rubber nose, dude.

Katie: Ha! Look at his shoes!

Chris: See? Everyone loves you, Chef.

Chef: Shuddup.

Beth: Look at the big smile on his face! He doesn't seem too creepy, does he, Lindsay?

Lindsay: Yeah he does! Look at him! (She whimpers, and hides behind a bush. Then she realizes this is the bush that Ezekiel is standing behind, and jumps out in disgust.)

Chris: That girl seems awfully afraid of Chef. But then again, we all are. Anyways, there is plenty of fun to be had today. Observe! The awesome Wawanakwa Ferris wheel! (He beckons to a gigantic tire wheel with small pod-shaped passenger cars attached to the outside.)

Noah: Dude, that thing is way to close to the ground. When it starts going, the passenger cars will end up getting crushed.

Chris: Shows what you know! (He presses a button on his remote control. The Ferris wheel starts rotating. However, whenever a passenger car makes contact with the ground, it is crushed between the Ferris wheel and the cement. Once Chris shuts it off, all the capsules are as flat as pancakes.)

Noah (smirking): Yep. Shows what I know.

Chris: Oops. Well, good thing the interns weren't in there.

Chef: But they were!

Chris: Dang. And I had gotten so far into the season without getting a lawsuit. Well, we'll need the ride maintenance crew to fix that thing up. (He whistles, and the Sasqwatchanakwa, the Psycho Killer, the Bear, and the Eskimo all come out of one of the tents, wearing full maintenance crew coveralls and each carrying toolboxes. They all run over and start banging on the Ferris wheel with hammers.)

Courtney: Hopefully you'll fix it so this time it doesn't kill us.

Chris: No promises. But as you can see, the carnival has a wide variety of rides. You've seen the Ferris wheel. We've also got a pretty wicked rollercoaster. Oh! And back for a second time around, the Vomit Comet! (He beckons to the ride, but finds it to be spinning around.) Wait, why's it going already? (All the campers look at each other, and gasp.)

Beth: Izzy! We left her in there all night! (DJ and Geoff race over, and force the top of the capsule off. Izzy's head sticks out, a goofy grin on her face.)

Izzy: I like to play with pancakes… DAR.

DJ: Whew. She sounds perfectly normal. (Geoff takes her out of the Vomit Comet.)

Geoff: Here, Noah, catch! (He hurls Izzy at Noah, and she crushes him, pinning him to the floor.)

Noah: And there goes my pelvis… again. (Izzy stands up, and laughs maniacally.)

Izzy: Oh my god, that was so fun! Again! Again! (She takes a step towards the Vomit Comet, but Chris stops her.)

Chris: Not so fast. I have to tell you about the rest of the activities here at the carnival! We've got face painting, rodeo shows, overly priced food… Everything you could ask for out of a fair! And it's yours to enjoy!

Trent: Chris, just start up the first challenge, alright?

Chris: Actually, I thought I'd give you guys a little time to enjoy the carnival first. You'll have about three hours to do whatever you want!

Gwen: So I can go back to the cabin?

Chris: But who would want to do that? (He smiles at her, and claps his hands.) Go along now, children! Have some fun! (The crowd slowly disperses.)

**Confession Cam**

**Cody: Gwen might've rejected me a first time, but she won't the second time. It just doesn't happen! All I gotta do is ask her to go on the Ferris wheel with me. After all, who doesn't want to be in an enclosed space with yours truly? **

**Sierra: Cody. Will. Go. On. The. Ferris. Wheel. With. Me. **

**Owen: For once, Chris actually lets us have fun! (He thinks, and then a tear wells up in his eye.) I don't remember the last time I had fun! **

**Lindsay: OMG, that clown was so scary! Luckily, I've got plenty of weapons to defend myself. (She takes out a canister of hair spray, and smiles.) **

**Gwen: I hate carnivals. You want to know why? Because everything is happy. I'd prefer a funeral to a carnival. In fact, I'd prefer a funeral to a lot of things. **

**Bridgette: I'm starting to really dislike Ezekiel. Why? For one, the date last night was a complete disaster. And two, why the frick is he not wearing pants?**

**Ezekiel: Me grandpa used to not wear pants. I must follow in his footsteps, eh. The Zeke will prove himself! **

**End of Confessionals**

Katie: Wow, DJ, look at that! (She points at a large decrepit looking mansion.) A haunted house! (She starts pulling on her arm.) Let's go in.

DJ: Hey, no way, Katie! Haunted houses give me the creeps! I aint doing it!

Katie: Oh, c'mon. It'll be fun. (She smirks.) I promise. No boogey men will get you.

DJ: Are you sure?

Katie: Positive. Now come on! (She pushes him into the haunted house, and makes the way in after him.)

**Confession Cam**

**Katie: A crack in the alliance. That's what I needed to find. DJ is just too nice. If he were convinced we were in a relationship, he would be completely loyal to me. That, I can promise you. **

**End of Confessionals**

Beth: Lindsay? How about it? Want to go in the haunted house?

Lindsay: Nah.

Beth: Well what _do_ you want to do?

Lindsay: Let's go shopping!

Beth: There's no place to go shopping here, Lindsay.

Lindsay: No… shopping? (Her lower lip trembles, and then she bursts into tears.) No shopping! WAAAAHH! (She sits down on a bench and sobs to herself. Beth sits down next to her and groans, crossing her arms.)

Beth: You're no fun, you know that? (Lindsay just snivels in responses, and Beth puts her head in her hands. Meanwhile, Tyler, Geoff, and Owen are all looking at a hammer meter, the one where you slam the hammer to try and ring the bell.)

Tyler: Oh boy! Get ready to get schooled, suckers. (He grabs the hammer, and tries to lift if off the ground. It doesn't budge. Using all his strength, Tyler tries again. The hammer lifts just a little off the ground, and then drops back down. Frustrated, Tyler tries to pick it up by flinging the handle backwards. When he does this, the hammer flies over his head and slams into Alejandro, knocking him unconscious.)

Tyler: Oops. Sorry, Al!

Owen: Alright, it's my turn. (He grabs the hammer off of Alejandro's body, and sizes it up. Then he stuffs it down his throat, and swallows.)

Geoff: Owen! Why'd you do that? Now we can't play anymore!

Owen: But it was tasty.

Tyler: It's alright. We can just use our fists! (He slams his fist down onto the platform where you aim the hammer. There is a loud crunch, and Tyler lifts his hand to find it completely purple. He swallows back tears. Meanwhile, Geoff is glancing around.)

Geoff: Say, has anyone seen DJ?

Owen: Yeah. I saw him go into the Haunted House with Katie just a few minutes ago.

Geoff: Really? Wow! Score one for DJ! C'mon, let's get binoculars and see what they get up to. This could get juicy. (They make their way over to the Haunted House. Just a few tents away, Harold is sitting at a stool and playing his Nintendo DS, grumbling to himself. Ezekiel walks up in front of him and snaps his Nintendo DS shut.)

Ezekiel: C'mon! You should be oot and enjoying the fair, eh.

Harold: Don't get me angry right now. You made me have to pick up Owen's underwear for the rest of the competition. I thought you were on my side. But you've always been siding with those… with those…

Ezekiel: With those whats?

Harold: With those _jocks_. And I can tell you one thing, man, once the girls are out of the picture, the jocks will take you and me out next. But now that they're getting girlfriends, we could even be the next ones to go.

Ezekiel: Maybe you just gotta be nicer to them, eh.

Harold: I'm nice enough. But no matter how nice I am to them, they'll still be closer to each other. Simple as that.

Ezekiel: Okay… well, I'll be getting a body paint, if you want to come over and see. It'll be awesome, eh! (He troops off. As he walks by, Noah, sitting on a bench, watches him. Izzy runs over and slugs the bookworm's arm.)

Izzy: Why are you staring at Ezekiel? Do you like his naked body?

Noah: No! I was just watching him in disgust!

Izzy: Sure you were. Do you want me to tell Cody that you were cheating on him?

Noah: What are you talking about? Please let me just read my book, and stop saying that I'm gay!

Izzy: Not gay. Maybe just bisexual. Like me! (She starts tugging on Noah's arm.) C'mon, Noah, let's go on the Ferris wheel!

Noah: No way. For one, you'd probably rock the passenger car so much we'd go flying off of it and land somewhere in the ocean. And two, that thing is seriously dangerous!

Izzy: Sounds like you just listed two reasons to go on it! (Before he can stop her, she grabs Noah and jumps into the passenger car, slamming the door shut behind her. Cody watches this, and turns to Gwen, who is standing nearby.)

Cody (pointing towards the Ferris wheel): Say, do you want to—

Gwen: No. (Cody sighs, and his shoulders slouch. A second later, Sierra glomps him in a bear hug.)

Sierra: Finally, my darling! We get some alone time together! (Before he can stop her, she forces him into the next passenger car, and up they go.)

Cody (staring out the window at the camp, which is getting smaller): How high does this thing go?

Sierra: Oh, is my wittle Cody-wumpkins afwaid of heights? (She strokes his cheek.) I can make everything better. (Cody swallows nervously.)

Cody: Listen, Sierra—(Before he can stop her, she has him pulled into a kiss. He tries to pull away, but can't. Finally, Sierra lets go.)

Sierra: Ready to take this up to the next level?

Cody (banging on the inside of the car): Get me out of here!

Sierra: No one can hear you, Cody. Aren't you happy for us?

Cody: No! I want to be with Gwen! She doesn't bear hug me every chance she gets! She doesn't invade my personal space! She plays hard to get, and that's what drives me crazy about her. (He thinks for a second.) We've already kissed.

Sierra: No!

Cody: Yes.

Sierra: If that's the case… (She grabs Cody by the scruff of his neck and opens the door to the passenger car. Below them is the camp, now very far below.) I'm riding alone!

Cody: Wait, Sierra, let's be reasonable! (Before he can stop her, though, she hurls him out of the cart. The geek goes flying downward, screaming all the way. Sierra watches this, grins, and wipes her hands off.)

**Confession Cam**

**Sierra: Now all I have to do for Cody is play hard to get. So if I throw him to his death, I think that's playing "hard to get". **

**Cody: Sierra confuses me. At times, she can't get enough of me, and at other times, she hates me! Her character confuses everyone, in fact. Almost as confusing as Ezekiel. But now I have an even bigger problem. I told her Gwen and I had a thing! Who knows what she might do to Gwen? **

**End of Confessionals**

Courtney: This is completely stupid.

Trent: I agree. (The two of them are sitting in the backrow of a theater, watching Chef the Clown attempt to juggle pies and fail miserably.)

Courtney (calling out to Chef): Get some skill, you loser! (Chef snarls at her, and hurls one of the pies straight at her face. However, Trent catches it right before it hits her.)

Courtney: Nice catch. Where'd you get the reflexes?

Trent: I used to be a black belt in karate.

Courtney: Seriously?

Trent: Yep. I still have one. And I've got a great arm. Watch. (Heaving his arm back, he hurls the pie back at Chef. It slams right into his groin, making him keel over in pain. Courtney giggles.)

Courtney: Nice aim.

Trent: Now _that's _comedy, Chef. You should look into it. (The two of them walk out. Little do they know that they are subconsciously holding hands.)

**Confession Cam**

**Trent: Courtney seems loyal enough. And she's nice to have around, I guess. She's almost as cold and calculating as I am. **

**Courtney: Trent and I are only in this as an alliance. Nothing more. (She thinks for a second.) Though I have to admit, he **_**is **_**kind of cute. **

**Chef: Those kids are ungrateful little brats! I try to put on a show, and they just end up throwin' a pie at my crotch! Both of those little brats will get what's comin' to them soon enough. Just you wait. **

**End of Confessionals**

Bridgette: Brought back the surfing simulator, did you? (She is standing with her arms crossed, looking at the surfing simulator from Season 2.) I never got to try this baby out.

Gwen: Trust me, you don't want to.

Bridgette: Actually, I think I need a little redemption from that previous surfing challenge we had this season.

Gwen: Yeah, what _did_ happen there? Usually you're so stable when you surf. But you just, sort of, fell off!

Bridgette: Yeah, well, about that… You see, Trent came up to me before the challenge…

Gwen: Oh boy, a Trent story. Let me hear it.

Bridgette: He gave me this sleek new surf board. He said it would help me in the challenge. It looked like it would; but instead, it started administering some sort of electric shock into my whole body. I almost drowned because of him.

Gwen: Cheat in a challenge? I know Trent went low, but I didn't know he went _that_ low.

Bridgette: Yeah, something's definitely snapped in him this season. Ever since he saved you from the Hall of Swinging Axes, and you ran to hug Duncan instead of him.

Gwen: You think this change in behavior was my fault? (She puts her head in her hands.) It _was_ my fault. I was a horrible person to Trent. I should've thanked him.

Bridgette: Well, he still has no right to act the way he's been acting. But maybe if you sincerely apologize, you two can make up! Maybe then he'll stop acting evil. And then you two might even be able to get back together!

Gwen: I'd never want to be with that creep. Besides, he's got Courtney. They might not know it yet, but they're all into each other.

Bridgette: I know, but—

Gwen: Drop it. Let's just try out this surfing simulator. (Bridgette nods, and steps on. Meanwhile, Alejandro is rubbing his head, groaning in pain.)

Alejandro: Uggh… where am I?

Ezekiel: You got hit by a hammer, eh. (Alejandro looks up, and screams. Standing before him is Ezekiel, still naked, but now covered in tiger stripes.) How do you like me new body paint?

Alejandro: It is quite fierce, amigo. Now, what time is it?

Ezekiel: Time to dance! (He starts break dancing. Alejandro groans, rolls up his sleeve, and looks at his watch. It is currently 12:30.)

Alejandro: Okay. I still have an hour and a half before the challenges start. (He looks over at Trent, who is competing against Courtney in a carnival game where you attempt to knock over the plastic cups using a golf ball.) This might be my only chance to get Noah alone, without Trent breathing down my neck. I have to do this.

**Confession Cam**

**Alejandro: If launching the rebellion against Trent was going to succeed, I had to find a chance to tell the plan to Noah. Trent was so busy flirting with Courtney that I found the time I needed. **

**Ezekiel: Well, I like my tiger stripes. It proves my great ferocity, eh! **

**End of Confessionals**

Geoff: Dude, I can't get a good view. (He is sitting on Owen's shoulders, peering through the window of the haunted house with binoculars.) Move closer!

Owen: But there's poison ivy!

Geoff: Who cares? This is my one chance to see my best pal finally have some luck with a woman!

Owen: OK… ow, oof, irk… (He scoots closer, so now Geoff's binoculars are pressing right up against the glass of the window.) What do you see?

Geoff: They're talking… getting kind of closer… nothing happening now… OH MY GOD! THEY'RE KISSING! (He falls off Owen's shoulders with a loud crash, landing in the poison ivy.)

Owen: Aww, that's so romantic.

Geoff: What, them kissing, or me falling in the poison ivy?

Owen: Them kissing! (He thinks.) So I guess we have to target Sierra now. Katie's with DJ, and you're with Bridgette. And we don't want to split you guys up so soon. (Geoff thinks for a moment, and then sighs.)

Geoff: Actually, I'm still thinking Katie should go.

Owen: What? Why?

Geoff: She seems more dangerous then you might expect. I don't know… I just think that she might be planning something.

Owen: You think she might be playing DJ?

Geoff: I don't know, but she's said to me that revenge will come soon at least a couple of times. That sounds like she might be planning something.

Owen: Geoff, just because someone says "Revenge will come soon" doesn't mean they want revenge.

Geoff: Then what does it mean?

Owen: Uh…. That they love you?

Geoff: Whatever, dude. We'll make the decision tonight, if we go to a Campfire Ceremony. But it's either Sierra or Katie, remember that. (Owen nods.) Good. Now let's go stand casually outside the haunted house. Then we can interrogate DJ on all the juicy details when he comes out. (Meanwhile, inside the haunted house, Katie and DJ have just broken away from their kiss.)

Katie: So you understand what you must do?

DJ (still in a trance): Uh-huh.

Katie: Good. (She gives him another peck on the lips.) You won't tell the other guys, will you?

DJ: Uh-uh.

Katie: That's right. And remember, this is our little secret.

DJ: Yep. Our little secret. (He smiles.)

**Confession Cam**

**DJ: I can't believe I would end up dating Katie. But the girl is so sweet, and nice… She's a real kind girl, that's all. But now she wants me to take down the guys' alliance! That means take down Geoff! Could I do that? **

**Katie: The first step in taking down the guys' alliance. (She chuckles evilly, then stops.) But the thing is, I'm thinking of keeping DJ till the end. He seems loyal, and… I kind of liked the kiss. **

**End of Confessionals**

(DJ steps out of the haunted house, and is immediately surrounded by Owen, Ezekiel, and Geoff.)

Geoff: Dude, what happened? Did you and Katie make out?

DJ: We did.

Geoff: Yeah? (He waits for more details.)

DJ: We kissed. We talked.

Owen: About what? Salami?

Geoff: Why would they talk about salami?

Owen: That's what Izzy and I used to talk about, before… before… (He bursts into tears.)

DJ: Nah, we just talked about animals. We both like tigers.

Ezekiel: I'm a tiger, eh! (The three others stare at him, and then go back to talking.)

Geoff: Well, the guys' alliance is gonna take down Sierra next, okay?

Owen: It'll be doing Cody a favor, that's for sure.

DJ: Sounds good. (However, in the back of his mind he knows he's lying to them. Meanwhile, Noah and Izzy are still riding the Ferris wheel.)

Noah: Izzy, I'm getting a little nervous here. (The two are rising higher and higher into the sky.)

Izzy: Oh, come on, Noah! This is fun! Here, I'm gonna go out on top, and see what it's like!

Noah: No, wait, Izzy—(But Izzy has already opened the door of the passenger car and swung herself onto the roof of it.)

Izzy: Wow, Noah, you have to come out here! It's amazing!

Noah: Izzy, you could fall off at any moment. Come in here right now!

Izzy: I wonder what would happen if I jumped off?

Noah: DON'T!

Izzy: Just joking! Just joking. (She swings herself back into the cart, and sits very close up next to Noah.) So, tell me about your relationship with Cody. Going well?

Noah: There's no relationship. And that's final. However, I am currently having some problems with Trent.

Izzy: You two are in a relationship? Wow, I never knew.

Noah: No! That's not what I mean!

Izzy: Then what do you mean?

Noah: I mean that he wants to get rid of me. And that's why I need the assurance of your vote.

Izzy: You want me to vote for you?

Noah: No! I want you to vote for whoever I tell you to vote for. You got that?

Izzy: Yeah, of course, buddy. You can count on me. (Noah suddenly realizes they're starting their descent.)

Noah: I hate going down. I always get a stomach drop.

Izzy: Oh. I always barf on the person sitting next to me. (Noah screams, and scoots over as far away from her as possible. Izzy laughs.) Just kidding! Wow, you're really fun to trick. Do you think a girl that survived the Vomit Comet for a full night would barf from a stupid stomach drop? (Right after she says this, she barfs onto her own lap.) Ooo. Fun. (The Ferris wheel stops, and door opens. The two of them step out. Noah stretches, and glances in front of him. Standing off to the side, in the shadows, is Alejandro.)

Noah: Uh, what are you doing? You're creeping me out.

Alejandro (whispering): Amigo! Over here.

Noah: What do you want?

Alejandro: Just come over here! Now.

Noah (as he walks over): Geez. I just want to know why you're standing in the shadows.

Alejandro: It makes me look more mysterious. And I have something very important to tell you.

Noah: Oh boy. (Meanwhile, Lindsay and Beth are still sitting on the bench. Lindsay is still pouting, and Beth is still scowling with her arms crossed.)

Beth: Lindsay, you know you're my BFF. But sometimes you're just super annoying, you know? Right? You know I'd love to go shopping with you. But can't you do anything else? Lindsay? Lindsay? (She turns, and sees that Lindsay isn't sitting next to her anymore. Instead, the blonde is making her way over to the make-out booth with Tyler.)

Beth: Oh. I see how it is.

**Confession Cam**

**Beth: Lindsay is just so… just so… just so ditsy! I mean, seriously? Tyler? Why must she spend so much time with **_**him**_**? Why does she have a boyfriend, and I don't? (She looks at the camera.) What? I'm not jealous. I'm not! **

**End of Confessionals**

Cody: Oww… (He now has crutches, and is slowly dragging himself through the fair. He sees Gwen, and sighs. He forces himself to drag his body all the way over to where she is, leaning against a wall as Bridgette rides the surf simulator.)

Gwen: What do you want?

Cody: Can I just stand next to you, or is that too much to ask?

Gwen: Fine. (She crosses her arms and turns away from him.)

Cody: Wouldn't you like to know why I'm on crutches?

Gwen: No.

Cody: Thanks for asking. I'm on crutches because _Sierra_ threw me out of the passenger car!

Gwen: Harsh. What'd you do to her?

Cody: Well, I kinda told her I wasn't interested in her because you and I kinda had a thing…

Gwen: You didn't.

Cody: I did.

Gwen: She's going to kill me now, you know?

Cody: I'm sorry! I didn't know what else to do!

Gwen: Here's something to do. Just accept that she loves you and love her back. I promise you, you won't find a girl that cares this much about you again.

Cody: Yep. She cares so much about me that she threw me to my almost death, had I not landed in a pile of Chef's socks.

Gwen: Listen, Cody. We can be friends. But we can't be anything more than that.

Cody: Alright. (He hangs his head, and then brings it back up. He lets go of his crutches.) You know, I don't need these—(Bridgette, being flung from the surf simulator, lands on him with a crunch, cutting him off.)

Bridgette: Oops. Sorry. (Meanwhile, Alejandro has pulled Noah into his hiding place, and starts whispering to him.)

Alejandro: Hola, amigo. Would you like a burrito? (He pulls a burrito out of his shirt.)

Noah: No. Not really.

Alejandro: Sorry. Just had an extra. Listen, Noah, you're in danger. Trent wants you out next.

Noah (sarcastically): Really? That's a shocker.

Alejandro: That's beside the point. He showed me this video proving that you were faking your injury.

Noah: But I thought I destroyed that!

Alejandro: Obviously you didn't. He wanted me to help him. But I'm not on his side. I'm on your side, Noah. Trent, however, is not on your side.

Noah: Really? Trent's not on my side? Wow, I never figured that one out.

Alejandro: Must you always be so sarcastic all the time? Goddammit! (He lowers his voice again.) Now, together, we can take down Trent.

Noah: All for it.

Alejandro: Really?

Noah: Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?

Alejandro: Fair point. (He smiles.) Trent it is. (The two of them fist bump. They then step out from the hiding place to see Izzy grinning at them.)

Izzy: Having fun, you two? (She says this very seductively.)

Noah: Don't even make a comment. Just keep walking.

**Confession Cam**

**Izzy: Noah is such a two-timer! First he's with Cody, then Trent, and now Alejandro! How many hearts must he break? **

**End of Confessionals**

Trent: Okay, we've seen everything there is at this lame carnival. In other words, not much. (Chris runs over.)

Chris: Wait! Chef's about to juggle torches! Don't you want to see him do that?

Courtney: We've already seen him juggle torches. We've also seen him juggle pies, knives, nuclear missiles, babies, snakes, and condoms! We're done watching Chef juggle!

Chris: Alright. Well, since you guys have pretty much seen our best entertainment, I guess we can start the challenges.

Trent: _Finally_.

Chris: Oh, I wouldn't say that. You don't even know what the challenges are yet. (He speaks into an intercom.) Campers! Please report to the center of the carnival! You've had your fun, and now its time for the real heavy duty riding! Wow, that sounded wrong. (Slowly the campers arrive from all the sides of the carnival.)

Tyler: Dude, why'd you have to stop the party? (His hair is tousled, and he is covered in Lindsay's lipstick.)

Chris: These two wanted to start the challenges. (He points to Trent and Courtney.)

Katie: You two are cool.

Trent: We are. (He stands proud and tall, and smug grin on his face.)

Courtney: Uh, Trent?

Trent: Yeah?

Courtney: She was being sarcastic.

Trent: Oh. I knew that.

Chris: So, campers, now that you're all here, it's time to start your reward challenge! Want to know what—okay, Ezekiel, what's with the body paint?

Ezekiel: Listen, man! I'm a tiger, eh, and don't you be forgettin' it!

Chris: I probably won't forget you for a long time, Ezekiel. And why aren't you standing behind your bush?

Ezekiel: Oops. Forgot. (He shuffles over to stand behind the bush.)

Chris: As I was saying, the reward you'll be playing for is this. (He points to a tiny bucking bronco ride.)

Harold: Oh! I love those things! Do you know I know the entire mechanics of them?

Chris: If you tell us, prepare to be eliminated. So, you'll be playing for this bucking bronco ride, which you can keep in your cabin to use when you get bored. Now, for the challenge. The rollercoaster is finished, and we're calling it the Chris Coaster 9000. You guys get to be our test riders.

Gwen: No way. I'm not dying today.

Chris: You won't die. (He doesn't look very certain when he says this.) Anyways, you'll all get strapped in the coaster. It's got enough seats for 18 people, and there are 18 of you.

Noah: Wow, you can count. I'm impressed.

Chris: Stop interrupting me with your snide remarks! God! Anyway, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, you'll all get strapped into the coaster. We'll then turn it on. The coaster will keep going through the extremely gut-churning track over and over again. However, it will stop if one of you pulls the handle next to your seat. Once you do that, the person that pulled it has to get off. The last person still on the coaster at the end wins a reward. Sound simple? Good. Everyone over to the roller coaster. (The contestants make their way up a large set of stairs, until they reach the roller coaster boarding dock. Chef is waiting for them.)

Chef: All aboard. (Everyone hesitantly gets into their seat. Sierra ends up sitting right behind Cody. She leans over and whispers in his ear.)

Sierra: Just to let you know, if I barf, I'll make sure it hits you. (Cody swallows nervously. Meanwhile, in the very front row, Chef is having trouble fitting Owen. He keeps on pulling the over strap down, but it just sinks into the fat boy's large stomach, and then flies back up.)

Chef: Boy, you are fat!

Owen: It's not my problem!

Chef: Well I can't fit you, so you'll have to get off.

Owen: Aw, man. (Bridgette, who is also sitting in the front row, turns to Chef and Chris.)

Bridgette: Do one of you guys want to take his place? (At this Chris and Chef burst out laughing.)

Chris: Are you serious? We don't want to die!

Bridgette: What? What do you mean by that? (But Chef is already at the control panel, flicking dials.)

Chef: Preparing for take-off in 3…2…1… Have fun, kids. (With that, the roller coaster blasts off, disappearing out of sight. Chris and Chef watch them go.)

Chris: How many will barf, do you expect?

Chef: All of them. (They burst out laughing, and high-five.)

**Who will be the last camper on the coaster?**

**Does Owen fit into any rides? **

**Will the guys' alliance prevail, or will Katie be able to take them down using DJ?**

**Can Alejandro succeed in overthrowing Trent?**

**And what other carnival fun can the campers expect?**

**Find out here on the next chapter of **

**Total Drama Returns!**

**Next time: **The Chris Coaster 9000 causes trouble for quite a few campers. But when the teams have to build their own rides, what sort of chaos can that cause?


	23. Day 7 Part 2: Ride Warriors

**Total Drama Returns**

The Cheesebub's Message: We have a winner! Hurrah! I'll tell you now, the review number was 131. And that review was by… Pandah N. Reaper! Congrats! Now, Pandah, I'll let you pick your prize. PM me with which one you want. And a new review number has been set. If your review is that number, you'll get a prize. It's actually not too far off now, thanks to NerdyBarista, who has taken the time to review every chapter. Thanks! Also there is some "drug" use in this chapter by Geoff and Ezekiel, but it's only anxiety medication. And yes, it gets them high. One other thing: Thanks to the 35 people who have this on their favorite stories list, and the 26 people who have this under Story Alerts. Maybe some of you could review once or twice? Man, would it be nice to get 35 reviews for one chapter. Too bad it'd never happen.

**The Slasher—**No, there won't be an aftermath. This is supposed to be a drive back to Total Drama Island, and that season didn't have one. And it's okay that you're disliking Katie. She's supposed to be somewhat of an underdog right now, but you're not supposed to approve of her tactics.

**Darkmist914—**Yes, it wasn't the number, but it was one away. You were close, my friend. Another who doesn't like Katie. Interesting. Geoff and DJ just might get punished for tricking Harold. There will be more Nizzy in the future. Not to worry. Noah and Bridgette will interact at one point, I promise.

**Pandah N. Reaper—**Congrats! You won! Now, to your review: Yeah, that was one of Trent's big mistakes so far. The window was installed by Chris. Pervy reasons, as you can guess. Chef gets paid, alright, but his yearly salary is lower than most janitors get in a month. Yeah, but Chris just wanted to get into the spirit. Many of the contestants will have references to their grandfather references, I must warn you. Yes, a Trentney moment. The first of possibly a few. Or many. I haven't quite decided yet, to tell you the truth. DJ, I think, was just so excited by finally having a girlfriend that he didn't quite think. Shows he has another flaw. I agree, I wouldn't eat anything that came out of anyone's shirt. Who knows how long it's been in there?

**colbyleebrown—**So your gut tells you Sierra? It's possible. She's definitely on the chopping block. And yes, you will understand at one point how Chris became so sadistic.

**pomtdwt—**Thank you very much. You have given me pride.

**Nagasha—**I too love where this challenge is going. Does that sound conceited? And there'll be plenty more Katie plotting and Ezekiel being Ezekiel this chapter, but not to much Sierra revenging. The fangirl kind of takes backstage for this chapter.

**trying96—**So you like the Courtney couples? Interesting. Thank you for saying that I should be the creator of Season 4, but if I were, each episode would have to be like, three hours long. Trentney? That's easy. A Gwen and Courtney friendship? That's a long shot, but it could come around one day. Just you wait and see. Your email is *blank*? I think the reviewing monitor cut your email out. And what do you mean by a preview? I can't just tell you who's in the Final 5. I can tell you what sort of drama might be occurring at the Final 5, but nothing else. Everything else… is TOP SECRET! MUAHAHAHA!

**ChibiRox—**Noah and Ezekiel are two of the funnier characters, yes. And here's your update.

**NerdyBarista—**Now you, you I can't thank enough. It is very rare that someone would take the time to go back and review EVERY chapter! It just makes me so happy to know you like the story enough to give your insight and clever thoughts on each and every chapter, spending days to finish. So I salute you, and hope you like this chapter, too. Now, I can't respond to every review, but I'll say one thing: Your reviews are possibly some of the most fun to read. So once again, thank you.

**Yman—**I agree, being an antagonist was a good change of pace for Katie. Ezekiel the nudist has already given me nightmares.

**Hexmaster—**Yep, everyone is usually involved in the drama by the seventh episode.

**Day 7 Part 2—Chapter 23: Ride Warriors**

Chris: The contestants have just taken off on the ride of their life! Spanning a total of three miles of track, the Chris Coaster 9000 is what some would call a heavy metal death trap that should be taken apart and never built again. We call it the perfect thing for a challenge! Now, as the campers begin the dramatic climb up the largest hill on the track, anxiety is what's on everyone's mind! (Suddenly, Owen comes up behind Chris, and slaps him on the back.)

Owen: Hey, buddy!

Chris: Owen! Just because you're described as "morbidly obese" and therefore are incapable of riding without having heart palpitations, doesn't mean you can strut around like you're the host or something!

Owen: But it's fun! (He grabs Chris, and burps in his face.)

Chris: OWEN! Here, I'll give you a job. You can go, uh… clean the bathrooms with your tongue.

Owen: Silly Chris! I do that every morning. Quite delicious, actually.

Chris: You sick, sick boy. Okay, then go run around hitting trees with a sledgehammer. (Owen salutes Chris, and troops off, a look of determination on his face.)

Chris: And while that's going on, let's see what the campers are up to!

**Chris Coaster 9000**

Beth: Oh boy. Here comes the first drop. (The coaster is slowly ascending up the first hill.)

Geoff: Let's do this! (He points to his hat, which is super-glued to his head.) This baby isn't flying off anytime soon! (Suddenly, a high, girl shriek rings out.)

Gwen: Lindsay, calm down. It's not that big a deal.

Lindsay: What? I didn't make any noise. (Everyone looks to the seat next to her to see Trent trembling fiercely, sweat pouring down his face.)

Courtney: Wow. Real mature.

Trent: What? I hate roller coasters!

Gwen: Looks like guitar boy finally has a weakness. Interesting to note.

Trent: I'm getting off this thing. This is just too stupid. (He starts to unbuckle his seatbelt.)

Alejandro: Wait, Trent, you're supposed to pull the handle—(However, Trent has already jumped out of the coaster, but leaps so far that he goes flying off the track and, after a long drop, lands on the ground with a painful thud.)

Izzy: Ooo! Looks fun! C'mon, Noah!

Noah: No wait—(Before he can finish, she grabs him and jumps off, too. Before Trent can get up, she and Noah land on him with a loud crunch.)

Gwen: Okay, nobody else jump out! We've already lost three members, and we're not even a minute into the challenge!

Sierra: Ha! Well, we still have all our members! Say where'd Tyler go?

Tyler: I'm over here! In the front! I taped myself to the head of the coaster!

Bridgette: Why would you do that?

Tyler: I want the ultimate experience!

DJ: Tyler! You're going to kill yourself!

Tyler: Who cares? It's the ultimate experience! Woohoo! (The coaster rises higher and higher into the sky, until everyone can see the entire island. Chris's voice suddenly crackles over the intercom.)

Chris: Campers, if you have not fastened your seatbelts, please do so now.

Cody: My seat doesn't even have a seatbelt!

Chris: Lucky you. You get the "Special Seat".

Cody: I can't stay in here!

Chris: Fine. You can share a seat with someone else. (Cody starts to scoot to his left.)

Gwen: Don't even think about it. (Cody scoots to his right, realizes that Sierra is sitting to his right, screams, and scoots to the left again.)

Sierra: What? Why don't you want to sit with me, Cody-wumpkins?

Chris: It's either sit in her seat with her, or get off the ride.

Cody: I'm out of here! Goodbye, world! (He dramatically stands up in his seat, and leaps out of the rollercoaster. He plummets downward in perfect swan dive, and lands on the ground with a splat.)

Chris: Well, that was overdramatic. I mean, who's overdramatic like that? (He starts filing his nails, when suddenly, he screams.) I broke a nail! I f***ing broke a nail! Oh, why is the world so cruel? (He gets down on his knees, sobbing.) WHY?

Ezekiel: Calm down, eh. Bring your mind to a happy place… (His eyes roll back, and a grin spreads across his face.)

Chris: What have you been smoking? And I will not calm down! I will not!

Harold: Say, Chris, would you like to know how G-force works on a roller-coaster? Maybe that will help you calm down.

Chris: What's G-force?

Katie: Oh, god. This is way too dangerous. You don't even know what G-force is!

Chris: What? Too dangerous? No, it'll only be too dangerous if there are parts of the track that are missing.

Katie: Well, are there?

Chris: Maybe. Enjoy your ride, campers! Now I gotta go get a manicure… (Before the contestants can even stop him, he pulls a lever, and the coaster zooms downward in its descent. All the campers scream as they travel towards the ground in a near vertical drop. Right before they hit the pavement, the rollercoaster twists up to one side and goes for a huge corkscrew.)

Tyler: Awesome! Now this is the ultimate experience! (Suddenly, he realizes the tape has unraveled.) Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no oh no—(The wind sends him rocketing backwards over the coaster.) Woo! I'm flying, man! (He flaps his arms in excitement. Suddenly, he stops rocketing, and blasts downwards, instead. His head slams into the track, sending him spiraling all over the place, until he smashes into the brick wall of the control room. Chef looks out the window at him.)

Chef: Yowch. Not gonna have fun scrapin' that one off. (He goes back to randomly pressing buttons and flipping switches. Meanwhile, the coaster is going through a series of huge loop-de-loops.)

Beth: Ohhh… I feel like my stomach is in my throat right now…

Alejandro: Oy… A man does not deserve this sort of punishment. (Courtney taps him on the back.)

Courtney: So, who do you want gone next?

Alejandro: You're trying to talk strategy _now_? Can't you see that the burrito I had earlier is about to be splattered all over Harold's back?

Harold: Oh no you don't. (He slices at Alejandro angrily.)

Courtney: Now's as good a time as any to talk strategy!

Alejandro: I refuse! (And with that, he moves up a row, away from Courtney.)

**Confession Cam**

**Courtney: Alejandro's acting very suspicious lately. Is he plotting something? Or maybe he just can't stand my company. But who can't stand my company? (A fly buzzes into the bathroom, sees Courtney, and then buzzes back out. Courtney turns to the camera.) Okay, so a few people don't like me… so what? **

**Alejandro: I, personally, can't stand Courtney. She sticks to Trent like a little leech, sucking on him… (He thinks about what he just said.) Wow, that sounded extremely wrong. **

**End of Confessionals**

(DJ is sitting back, relaxed, even as the coaster flies all over the place, when he realizes Katie is sitting on his lap.)

DJ: Wow, um, Katie, you're being very forward here, aren't you?

Katie: What? Now that we're a couple, we should get to know each other.

DJ: Errr, okay. What do you like to do?

Katie: Manipulate. Er, I mean, lie. Er, I mean, animals! I like to pet baby animals!

DJ: So do I! Wow, we have so much in common!

Katie: Of course. (She smiles at him. DJ looks over at Geoff, who gives him a thumbs-up. However, once the brickhouse has pulled away, Geoff scrunches up his eyebrows in puzzlement. He looks over at Ezekiel.)

Geoff: What do you think of Katie?

Ezekiel: Who's Katie, eh? Ooo… pretty rainbows…

Geoff: Okay, what actually have you been smoking? (Bridgette nudges Geoff.)

Bridgette: He took medication before the ride. He said it would calm him down. (Right after she says this, the ride does a super corkscrew loop-de-loop drop, leaving everyone barfing over the side of the track.)

Geoff: Ugghh… I want some of that medication.

Ezekiel: Wee… I'm in a happy place… with unicorns… and cereal…

Geoff: I WANT TO GO TO THAT PLACE! (He rummages through Ezekiel's pockets, and pulls out a bottle of medication.) Oh boy. (He takes a swig, and immediately drops back, his head rolling around on his neck.) Yay… I'm in the happy place…

Ezekiel: Welcome to the happy place, Geoff… Do you like the happy place?

Geoff: I love the happy place… (The two put their arms around each other, and start bobbing back and forth.)

Geoff and Ezekiel: Bumpty-bumpty… bumpty-bumpty… (Bridgette is watching all this with half amusement, half horror.)

**Confession Cam**

**Bridgette: Well, it was good to see them getting along… I guess. **

**End of Confessionals**

Lindsay: OMG, this is so scary! (The coaster is on its third time around now, and everyone is green in the face. That is, except for Gwen, who is sitting with her arms crossed, a bored expression on her face.)

Gwen: Meh.

Lindsay: You don't think this is scary, Guac?

Gwen: Not particularly. This might be the most boring challenge yet, in my opinion.

Courtney: You weirdo! What do you do, build your own giant rollercoasters in your backyard?

Harold: I do that! Quite an entertaining hobby, in my opinion.

Courtney: Harold?

Harold: Yes?

Courtney: Why are you talking?

Harold: Um, because…

Courtney: Just turn away from us, and never open your mouth again. (Harold's lower lip trembles, and he quickly turns away.)

Gwen: That was really bitchy, you know that?

Courtney: Whatever. The guy's a dork. He's almost as weird as you are.

Gwen: Are we really in an alliance, Courtney?

Courtney: Of course.

Gwen: Just asking. Because sometimes, I seriously doubt it. (Suddenly, the roller coaster starts doing more loop-de-loops.)

Courtney: We'll talk about his later. But for now, AHHHHH! (Meanwhile, towards the center of the coaster, DJ's about had it.)

DJ: I'm done, guys. I've had enough. (Alejandro pats him on the back.)

Alejandro: A brave effort, my friend. (DJ reaches over and pulls the lever. However, he pulls it right at the top of the loop-de-loop, and the roller coaster stops upside down.)

DJ: How am I supposed to get out now? (Chris's voice crackles over the intercom.)

Chris: Somebody pulled the lever. Somebody's gotta get out.

DJ: But I can't without seriously injuring myself! We're upside down right now!

Chris: Chef will be there to catch you.

Sierra: That's a creepy thought.

Katie: C'mon, DJ, I'll go with you. On the count of three, we'll unfasten our seatbelts. Ready? 1…

DJ: No! Mommy! (Katie looks around to see everyone staring at them.)

Katie (her teeth gritted in a fake smile): DJ, you're being unreasonable here.

DJ: No I aint!

Katie: Here, DJ, I'll help you… (She reaches over to start unfastening his seatbelt. DJ squirms uncomfortably.)

DJ: No! (He pushes her away.)

Katie: You numbskull! (She notices everyone raise their eyebrows, and quickly clamps a hand over her mouth.) Err, I mean, DJ, sweetie, can you make things a little easier for me here? Chris says that you have to get out of your seat, dearie.

DJ: Never! I don't wanna die!

Katie (gritting her teeth harder): DJ. Get out of your seat. Chef will be there to catch you.

DJ: He wasn't there to catch Trent!

Chef (from the ground): Yeah, but I wanted to see the jerk get injured. We all did.

Katie: DJ. I'm going to help you. (She grabs for DJ's seatbelt again.)

DJ: No! (He slaps her hand away)

Katie: DJ! Come on! (She keeps on grabbing for the seatbelt, and DJ keeps pushing her away, until they are literally clawing at each other like cats.)

Katie: DJ! Get your act together, now!

DJ: No! I won't do it! (He swipes at her and snarls.)

Katie: You have to! (The fighting goes on for a little longer, until finally, Katie is able to press the seatbelt button. DJ is just able to stare at her for a second in horror before he tumbles downward, screaming. Katie watches in amusement. Luckily, Chef catches the animal lover.)

**Confession Cam**

**Katie: Okay, so maybe that lost me some points with DJ. But a few kisses, and I should probably be able to regain those points.**

**End of Confessionals**

Izzy: What a fun landing, huh, Noah?

Noah: God… go make me a nice, steaming cup of aspirin, and then I'll answer.

Izzy: Silly Noah! (She looks down at Trent, who is still crushed underneath them.) How are you, Trenty?

Trent: Get the f**k off of me!

Izzy: Aw, I love you too.

Noah: Yes, Trent, how are you? Heh heh heh… doing well?

Trent: I hate the both of you. I really do.

Noah: Harsh. (He and Izzy get up.)

Izzy (staring down at Trent): Wow, look at him! He's almost as flat as a pancake! (Suddenly, Owen races over.)

Owen: Pancake? I love pancakes!

Izzy: Owen! I'm glad you're here. Go get the biggest spatula you can find, and scrape Trent off the ground.

Trent: No, I'm fine. (He forces his body to stand up with a bunch of loud pops and cracks. He smiles triumphantly, his chin jutting out like Captain America's.)

Owen: That's the spirit, buddy! (He slaps Trent on the back.)

Trent: Don't touch me. (He looks at Noah.) You. You will pay. (He looks at Izzy.) You. You will also pay.

Izzy: Cash or credit? (Trent's left eyelid twitches.)

Trent: Just you wait, crazy girl. Just you wait. (He stomps off, enters the Confessional, and slams the door behind him.)

Owen: Wow, he goes in there a lot. Think he's having indigestion?

Noah: Nope. He just went to go plot nefariously in the Confessional again. Seems to be a habit of his.

**Confession Cam**

**Trent: … and then, harnessing the stupidity of Lindsay and the loyalty of Alejandro, both Noah and Izzy can easily be taken out! What? I like to plot nefariously. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Chris Coaster 9000**

Beth: Lindsay? How are you holding up? (The Chris Coaster 9000 has gone around the track about twenty times now.) Lindsay? Lindsay? (She looks to see the seat next to her empty.) Where'd she go?

Bridgette: She jumped out when she saw Tyler smashed to the wall of the control room. Just so she could be with him.

Beth: Typical Lindsay. (She crosses her arms and shakes her head in disbelief. Suddenly, the rollercoaster starts accelerating in its speed, zooming through the loop-de-loops and corkscrews at an even quicker pace.)

Bridgette: What's going on?

Harold: Chris is ramping up the speed of the coaster! It's obvious he wants more people to resign!

Ezekiel: Wee… (He puts his hands in the air, and rocks back and forth. Geoff does the same, giggling through his teeth.)

Katie: What's wrong with you guys? Seriously! (The roller coaster continues to spiral all over the place. Suddenly, it stops with a sudden jolt. Sierra, Bridgette, Beth, and Alejandro all step out. The rollercoaster zooms off, leaving them standing on the platform together.)

Bridgette: That's enough for me. Why'd you three resign?

Sierra: Harold was puking all over the place! Plus, my seatbelt broke, and I think my stomach is now lodged in my esophagus.

Beth: I'm currently suffering mild brain trauma, and my seat caved in on me.

Alejandro: My hair was messed up.

Bridgette: Your hair was messed up? Seriously? That sounds like something Chris would say.

Alejandro: Well maybe you just don't understand the importance of hair hygiene. It is important to keep it in top shape. (Bridgette rolls her eyes, and turns to Sierra.)

Sierra: Say, Bridgette, I never asked you how your date went with Ezekiel. (Bridgette's eyes go wide.)

Bridgette: You don't want to know.

Sierra (whipping out a notepad): Oh, but I do! Give me every juicy detail!

Bridgette: Later. (She beckons to Alejandro) Not in front of that creep.

Alejandro: I will take no offense at that. (Meanwhile, back on the rollercoaster, only Harold, Katie, Gwen, Geoff, Ezekiel, and Courtney are left. Geoff and Ezekiel, of course, are still singing joyfully.)

Geoff: With you right here…

Ezekiel: …I'm a rocketeer! (The two laugh, and high-five.)

Geoff: Man, I never knew you were such an awesome person, Ezekiel.

Ezekiel: I never knew rubber tasted so good! (He is now chewing on one of the seats. Courtney, one row behind them, is rubbing her temples and muttering to herself.)

Courtney: You can do this, Courtney. You can do this. Don't pay any attention to the morons, Courtney. (She looks at Gwen, who is still sitting with her arms crossed.) How can you remain so calm?

Gwen: I just don't have a lot of adrenaline, I guess.

Ezekiel: Who wants some medication, eh? Who wants some? (He takes out the bottle and splashes the medicine in Courtney's face.)

Courtney (her face dripping): Okay, now you die. (Suddenly, Ezekiel snaps out of it.)

Ezekiel: Say, where am I—(He is cut off as Courtney starts strangling him.)

Courtney: How do you like that, huh, medication boy? Huh?

Ezekiel (choking): Not… much.

Gwen: Stop it, Courtney! You're hurting him! (After throttling him a few more times, Courtney finally lets go.)

Courtney (to Ezekiel): Make sure your psychotic friend gets nowhere near me. (She jerks a thumb at Geoff.)

**Confession Cam**

**Ezekiel: Man, I aint takin' that anxiety medication again. It made me go completely loopy, eh! I think it's still wearin' off… (Suddenly, he looks straight at the camera, and his eyes go wide.) Ronald Reagan Pizza Pie? (He runs up and licks the screen.) **

**Beth: Poor Zeke. He's been strangled by a quite a few girls now. (She gasps.) OMG, maybe I could be the next one to strangle him! I do catch him looking at me sometimes. He probably just can't get enough of this sexy bod. **

**End of Confessionals**

_**Two Hours Later…**_

(The coaster pulls into the station, with the campers sitting inside, their hair poofing in every direction and their eyes completely bloodshot. Chris walks over, a glass of pink lemonade in one hand. A tiny little umbrella sticks out of the cup.)

Chris: It's been two hours, you sickos! Why must it take so long for you to give up? Why?

Harold: Fall seven times, stand up eight, a Japanese proverb once said.

Chris: Um, if you expect me to understand that, you're horribly mistaken. (He takes a sip of his lemonade) So tell me, guys, how have you liked the Chris Coaster 9000?

Courtney: Don't worry. It'll be shutting down soon enough, thanks to my lawyer.

Chris: Dang. You're not gonna tell him about what happened to the interns on the Ferris wheel, are you?

Courtney: That will be a little secret between you and me. (She winks at Chris.)

Chris: In other words, you're blackmailing me. Oh, joy.

Gwen: Chris, can you just tell us why you stopped the coaster?

Chris: I just wanted to tell you that things would be a little more fun now.

Geoff: Woo! Fun! Alright!

Katie: Chris, what do you mean by "fun"? Does it involve numerous amounts of explosions?

Chris: Say, I love these little umbrellas they put in your glass, don't you?

Katie: Don't you change the subject!

Chris: I mean, they're just so fun to flick! (He starts flicking the tiny umbrella.)

Katie: Answer me!

Chris: I must be off. Goodbye, losers. (He struts off. Before Katie can protest, the rollercoaster pulls away from the station again. It starts going up the first hill. Suddenly, there is a huge explosion from somewhere on track.)

Ezekiel: That doesn't sound good, eh.

Gwen: Oh no. (She glares at Courtney) Because you told Chris that your lawyer is gonna demolish the track, Chris decided to blow it up himself! While we're on it!

Courtney: Oh no! (She looks at Harold, who is playing his Nintendo DS.) Stop playing that! We're in a dire situation, here! (She snatches it away from him, and throws it out of the cart.)

Harold: Noooo! Georgina! Not you! (He hurls himself out of the rollercoaster.)

Courtney: Good. Now there are only five of us left.

Katie: Chris wouldn't really kill us, would he?

Gwen: You haven't been on the show long enough to know. But I don't think you want to know the answer. (The ride has now reached the top of the hill.)

Katie: Say, I think the explosions have stopped—(She is cut off as a huge explosion sends her rocketing up into the sky, smoking. Chris's voice crackles over the intercom.)

Chris: Any other campers that want to get out, now is the time.

Ezekiel: The legend does not want to die! He will live, and prosper, eh! (He flings himself out of the coaster, and lands on the platform next to it. He stands proud and tall, his legs spread wide. This disgusts everyone, for he is still naked.)

Izzy (from the base of the track, nudging Noah): You like that, Noah?

Noah (sarcastically): Yeah, Ezekiel really turns me on.

Chris: Anybody else want to get off?

Courtney: I'll also get out now. (She smiles at Gwen.) Don't lose it for us, Gwenny.

Gwen: You're just getting out so I have to be the goat if I lose!

Courtney: No. What makes you think that? (She smiles evilly, and takes the steps down to the ground. Now most of the campers have gathered at the base of track, looking up at Geoff and Gwen, who are the only two remaining.)

Tyler: You got this, Geoff!

Trent: You can do this, Geoff!

Gwen: You're supposed to be rooting for me, Trent, not Geoff!

Trent: Oops. Sorry. Did I let that one slip out? I didn't mean to.

Gwen: Yes you did.

Trent: You're right. I did.

Chris: Wow, and people say you can still remain friends with your ex.

Izzy: You're still friends with Chef.

Chris: What? We were never together! (He looks down at the ground, suppressing tears.) It just didn't work out.

Noah: You never cease to disturb me, Chris.

Chris: Well, painful memories aside, we better get this final leg of the ride going! Buckle up, my children! (He nods at Chef, who is still in the control room, and the cook pushes a big red button. Suddenly, explosions start erupting everywhere.)

Chris (over the explosions): It's time to blow this ride to the ground! (The coaster bursts downward, its whole exterior burning. It picks up so much speed that it goes flying right off the track, and hits the ground with a loud clang. However, it keeps accelerating, and zooms right into the forest. Chris watches all this with mild amusement.)

Chris: I didn't even know that was possible. (Suddenly, his eyes go wide with terror.) Oh no! They're gonna destroy the forest!

Chef: Uh, why do we care?

Chris: Good point. (Meanwhile, deep in the forest, Gwen and Geoff are smashing through tree after tree.)

Geoff: Whoa! This is crazier than the time my bud Eugene and I tried to ride a greased-up toaster down a hill!

Gwen: Meh, I've had better rides. (Suddenly, she realizes something.) Is it just me, or are we going upwards?

Geoff: You think so?

Gwen: Yeah! We're going to go right off the cliff!

Geoff: Oh no! I better get off!

Gwen: That would probably be a good idea.

Geoff: I'm outta here! (He dives into the thickets. Gwen watches, and then laughs.)

Gwen: Well that certainly worked. We aren't even going uphill. And now I won the challenge! Yes! (Suddenly, she realizes she has broken away from all the trees. She looks in front of her, and sees a looming cliff.) Oh no. (She jumps to the front seat, and tries to steer the coaster away. But there is no way to stop it. The entire cart goes right off the cliff, with Gwen screaming all the way.)

**Confession Cam**

**Gwen (soaking wet): Today sucks. (She crosses her arms and scowls) They better not vote me off now, after what I've been through. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Center of the Carnival**

Chris: Well, with Gwen's crazy stunt, the Screaming Ivy win the reward! The Bucking Bronco ride is yours to keep. (He hurls the machine at Cody, which the geek is unable to catch, crushing him.)

Gwen (still soaking wet): Barely even worth it. It doesn't even have any batteries!

Chris: Hey, you might not have heard me mutter "batteries not included" under my breath, but that's certainly what I said. So, as you can see, the Chris Coaster 9000 is completely demolished.

Sierra: What'd you use? Dynamite? I know the show's budget these days, and it doesn't seem like you'd be able to afford it.

Chris: Something like that. Owen, I have to admit, those were excellent explosions you were able to make. Good thing we fed you all those chili peppers.

The rest of the contestants: Ewwwwwwww!

Chris: What? I'm going green here!

Trent: Let's just do the immunity challenge, so this day can finally be over.

Chris: Aww, poor Trent. What's so bad about a couple of rides?

Trent: I hate rides! Everything about rides!

Gwen (chuckling): Yeah, you should've seen him. Crying like a baby.

Trent: Shut up! I was not! (Chris whips out a tape recording, and plays it. It is the sound of Trent having a panic attack.)

Trent (recording): Stop! Please! WAAAHHHH! I DON'T WANNA DIE, MOMMY! (Trent drops his head in shame when he hears this.)

Chris: And that was just when we were buckling him in. But let's all give Trent a hand for being a good sport and at least trying out the ride. (Nobody claps, and there is a very awkward silence.)

Chris (loosening his collar): So, you want to know about the immunity challenge? This is one I think I'll enjoy. As you could see, the Chris Coaster 9000 was built with inspiration, thoughtful technique, and graceful vision.

Noah: Yes, your inspiration was alcohol, your technique was throwing a bunch of wooden boards together and hammering in nails at random locations, and your vision was to kill all of us.

Chris: But now it's your turn! You will build your own rides, and have one person from your team ride in it. We will then rate the ride on its speed, imagination, and if the person who rides in it comes out a different shape than they were before. That has happened before. That poor intern… So, we'll be letting you guys pick from a large selection of materials to build your ride with, but first things first, each team has gotta pick a designer.

Katie: DJ, how about you? Would you like to be our designer?

DJ: Well, I—

Harold: How could you? You know I've been waiting for an opportunity like this!

Katie: You have? Well then, by all means, go ahead. After all, Harold, you're so much smarter than everyone else on the team.

Harold: You got that right.

Katie (whispering in his ear): I mean, I can't believe those jocks over there! (She points at DJ, Geoff, Owen, and Tyler.) They obviously don't see your value to the team.

Harold: Exactly. Not a single one of them do.

Katie: I, however, see your value in the long run. And you know that once the jocks have disposed of me and the other girls, they'll target you next. And I know how you feel. Pretty helpless, if you ask me.

Harold: Finally! Someone who understands me! (He throws himself onto her, sobbing into her shoulder. Katie lightly but forcefully shoves him off, and tries to smile, even though she notices the snot now staining her shirt.)

Katie: Harold, vote with us tonight, and you will prosper. Vote with them—

Harold: I'm voting with you guys.

Katie: Alright. Good to hear. (She smirks at the guys, who are all laughing and chatting about sports.)

Harold: However, can I, perhaps, choose who goes home tonight?

Katie: Well, we were planning on Ezekiel, but who do you want out?

Harold: Well, I say we vote off…

**Confession Cam**

**Katie: So Harold's on board. Sierra and Bridgette are on board. Now it's just a matter of if DJ's on board. **

**DJ: Katie's already talked to me a couple of times about betrayin' the guys' alliance. I just don't know! Geoff's my bud, man. But sometimes he's seriously annoying! He gets his stupid cereal all over my bedsheets, man! How would you like it trying to go to sleep when your mattress is covered in Fruity Pebbles? **

**End of Confessionals**

Cody: I have a vision! I will be the designer!

Beth: Nothing perverted, right?

Izzy: Are you serious? Cody and perverted are pretty much synonyms!

Alejandro: What's your idea, Cody?

Cody: We take all of Lindsay's bras, and—

Alejandro: Okay, we can forget about Cody being the designer.

Izzy: I like the idea! (She walks over and starts sizing up Lindsay's chest.)

Lindsay: Uh, what are you doing, Igor? (Izzy stops sizing the blonde up and turns to the rest of her teammates with her verdict.)

Izzy: Yes, her bra would be big enough to fit at least ten people! (Chris walks over.)

Chris: I, personally, love the idea.

Courtney: Chris! You're a middle-aged man! Stop hitting on girls half your age!

Cody: But see? My idea is great!

Trent: We're not doing that, even if it impresses the perverted old man over there. How about you, Alejandro? Would you like to be the designer?

Alejandro: Say, that's not a bad idea, muchacho. My uncle was quite the mechanic.

Cody: Dude, your uncle was everything. Next you'll tell me he was also a prostitute.

Alejandro: In his spare time, yes. Now, what is there next to do? (Suddenly, Chris pops up in between Lindsay and Alejandro.)

Chris: Excellent question, Al! (He whips out a megaphone.) Attention, campers! It is now time to start the planning and building process!

Tyler: Dude, why are you speaking into a megaphone? We're ten feet away from you!

Chris: The megaphone makes me feel sexy. Now, while you're designing your ride, you must also pick the person who will ride in it. So, knock yourselves out!

Tyler: Alright! (He takes a hammer and knocks himself unconscious.)

Chris: How much slapstick must that boy pursue? So, campers, let's have some fun! (In a flash, Harold has already gotten a large sheet of paper out and is writing the blueprints for his ride.)

Bridgette (leaning over his shoulder): Wow, you really have some inspiration there.

Harold: I call it… the Fortiflier Extreme. It uses magnetic force to find the exact radius of each cart, and propels to a certain degree of mass and energy.

Bridgette: Do you even understand what you just said?

Harold: I do, in fact. Now, who will be my rider? (Tyler runs over.)

Tyler: I got this! Let me try it!

Sierra: Weren't you unconscious just a few seconds ago?

Tyler: The chance to prove myself awakened me! Now, let's get the party started! Woo! (Meanwhile, Alejandro has drawn his idea in the dirt, and is showing it to his teammates.)

Alejandro: As you can see, it's a giant pendulum, but with a burrito at the end. You wrap yourself in the burrito, and off you go, swinging back and forth! If the burrito is stable enough, we can even try making it go upside down!

Noah: Simple, yet classy. I like it.

Trent: As do I. Excellent work, Al.

Beth: Say, who's going to ride in this thing? Any volunteers? (Nobody raises their hands) Anybody want to nominate somebody?

Gwen: How about you, Trent? (She looks over at him and smiles, an evil glint in her eyes. Trent freezes up, and then starts stuttering.)

Trent: Uh… heh-heh… no thanks. I'm not too big of a ride fan. You guys all know that.

Gwen: But you were the first one eliminated in the most recent challenge! I think you owe it to the team to help us out on this one.

Trent: That's absurd! I'm doing plenty for the team, and I refuse to—

Gwen: All in favor of having Trent ride? (Everyone raises their hand, except for Courtney. Even Alejandro is raising his hand.)

Trent: But… I… C'mon, guys!

Lindsay: Are you scared, Tony?

Trent: I'm not scared! I just… uh… I… AUGGHH! (He stomps off and into the confessional, slamming the door behind him. Gwen laughs and high-fives Noah. They were both in on this plan. Courtney sees this, and walks up to the both of them, scowling.)

Courtney: Why would you do that to him! You know that Trent doesn't like rides! You did this on purpose!

Noah: Listen, girl, if you want, you can get wrapped up with your boyfriend too.

Courtney: He's not my boyfriend! He's just… my… er, my… AUGGHH! (She stomps off into the confessional too, slamming the door even louder behind her.)

Lindsay: What are they doing in there?

Noah: Eh, plotting nefariously some more.

Gwen: Hey, at least they're together.

**Can Trent survive the ride of his life? **

**Does Trentney truly exist? **

**Who does Harold want out? **

**Will the rides work, or combust? **

**And who will be voted off in the most surprising elimination ceremony of **

**Total Drama Returns!**

**NEXT TIME: **Two designers, one vision: the perfect ride. But which one can succeed? And just how much puke can be splattered? Also, a certain contestant faces a game-changing decision; but a slip of the tongue just might set things straight.


	24. Day 7 Part 3: The Big Barf

**Total Drama Returns**

The Cheesebub's Message: Ok, these past couple weeks have been a very strenuous few weeks. I had a ton of projects due in all of my classes, a couple very difficult tests, and like, thirty different tennis matches. And on top of all that, there were elections for Student Council this week. I was running for 8th Grade Senator, and fortunately, I won. Anyways, there's a new poll up on my profile. It's who you think has played the best game so far. There are five choices. Also, I'm a beta reader now. That means I can read over your work before you publish it and give suggestions and help. You probably don't need any advice from me, but if you do, find me in the beta readers section.

**ChibiRox—**Yeah, Katie is a bitch. But to win, maybe you have to be a bitch. And here's your update :D

**drums247—**Thanks. I take pride in my Geoff, Ezekiel, and Trent. And it's fine that you're swamped in work. So am I. Take it easy, bud.

**Pandah N. Reaper—**Well, I love palindromes, so it was a good guess. Chris is just girly. Simple as that. Trust me, you don't want to go to the happy place. I still have nightmares from the naked Zeke. It's just creepy to think about. I agree, Chris should never, EVER say sexy. So I had him say it.

**NerdyBarista—**Why would I be annoyed? You're the first person to review every single chapter! That's pretty awesome, in my book. Yeah, you'll see that Trent's not as tough as he lets out to be. Well, I always have a bunch of people drop out early in those sort of challenges, so I can get to the real juice between the remaining contestants. Losing their swagger? I agree, Trent is. But Katie? Not so much. Now that I realize it, Gwen beating out Geoff _is_ reminiscent of Season 1. Yeah, Gwen and Noah will have some good times together torturing Trent.

**Nagasha—**I agree.

**Darkmist914—**Well, here's your paragraph dedicated only to you. Thanks. I also thought the roller-coaster idea was epic. Does that sound conceited? You hope Trent and Courtney go soon? That's kind of unfortunate. I find them to be such great antagonists. (Trent moreso of an antagonist than Courtney). Yes, Alejandro has transformed into more of an antihero. Of course I knew you wanted Noah to win. Quite a few do, I've seen. Harold's DS is back in this chapter. And it could be a DSI, I never thought about it. Ezekiel will go on and off with his Pokemon obsession every so often. That way, it keeps his insanity feeling fresh and not always the same. You're not supposed to get Katie. It shows even she isn't perfect. (In fact, far from it)

**colbyleebrown—**Courtney's about the only person on the team that _does _like Trent. Season 5 will most likely not take place on the island. Why? There's actually a very good reason for it. You'll see by the end of the season.

**Day 7 Part 3—Chapter 24: The Big Barf **

Alejandro: Let's keep working, everybody! Cody, pound that tortilla harder! Lindsay, get more screws! Noah, hammer that nail with all your strength! Izzy, um…just don't touch anything.

Izzy: Why not? (She flicks the half-built pendulum, and it all comes crashing to the ground.)

Alejandro (his head in his hands): That's why.

Trent (sitting on the ground): That's karma right there, for making me ride in that thing. You know—(A huge chunk of metal slams into him, knocking him out cold.)

Gwen: And _that's_ karma right _there_.

Alejandro: Okay, now because of Izzy, we'll have to work twice as fast! Courtney, could you perhaps stop moping on that log and help us?

Courtney: Why should I help _you_? You're all just monsters! Monsters!

Noah: And your boyfriend _isn't_? (He tries to pick up his fallen hammer, but finds his arms too weak to do so.)

Courtney: He's NOT my BOYFRIEND!

Noah: Yeah, he is.

Courtney: No he isn't!

Alejandro: Enough. We must not have fighting among our team. Let us remain united as one. (Right after he says this, a hammer slams into his groin, making him keel over.)

Owen (over with his team): Oops. Sorry, Al.

Alejandro (in a high, squeaky voice): Imbecile.

Lindsay: Oh no! Albert! (She runs over and helps him up.)

Alejandro: Thank you, Lindsay. Now Courtney, I know you're bitter at us, but can you please do something productive?

Courtney (smirking): Alright. (She grabs a hammer and hurls it at Alejandro's crotch, in the fashion of Owen. This makes the latino keel over again.)

Alejandro: Please… there's only so much I can take. (Meanwhile, Harold is still in the designing process.)

Harold: Now, if I can harness the force of magnetism, I can send the propulsion of velocity in a G-force spiral!

Geoff: Hm, sounds like a move I could use in bed.

Bridgette: Geoff! That's so immature. But seriously, Harold, you need to hurry up. We're falling way behind!

Harold: Hush! Let the Harold concentrate. I'm currenly visualizing the exterior in my head, and calculating databases…

Tyler: Ow! Stop using all those high vocabulary words, dude! It's making my brain hurt!

Harold: High vocabulary words are the key to success.

Ezekiel: I'm completely pumped! I wanna build something! (He starts doing jumping jacks.)

Sierra, Katie, and Bridgette: Ewwwww!

Ezekiel: What?

Sierra: Do you forget that you're completely naked?

Ezekiel: I never forget, eh. (He thinks for a moment) Say! Maybe you girls could join me! We could start our own nudist colony!

Katie: I'll pass. Now Harold, sweetie, could you hurry up? But I mean, take your time, of course. We wouldn't want to rush the master.

Harold: That's right! I _am _the master!

Katie: Of course you are.

**Confession Cam**

**Katie: Yes, sucking up to Harold makes me want to cut off my tongue. I tell you, it's hard to find compliments for that boy. I guess I could say he's really good at being a complete loser… would that cheer him up? **

**Harold: I've finally achieved my life goal. Becoming an engineer. But in my rise to fame, sometimes I forget about my true passion. (He holds up his Nintendo DS.) Georgina. She was the one who got me here. And we'll stay together till the very end. **

**End of Confessionals**

Cody: Say, Trent, can I get your body size so I can make the tortilla just snug?

Trent: Say, Cody, can I get your neck size so I can make the strangle hold I'm about to put you in just snug?

Cody: Wow. You're a downer.

Trent: I have the right to be! I hate this entire team!

Gwen: And we're not too fond of you either, mister. The feelings are mutual.

Trent: I mean, why do I even have to go in a f**king tortilla? What's so special about that?

Beth: Alejandro says it's "ethnic".

Trent: Ethnic? Ethnic? C'mon! Half the cultures in the world have a kind of flatbread!

Noah: C'mon, Trent, just think back to all those good times you've had on rides… Just think of those… (Izzy comes up and slaps Trent on the back.)

Izzy: Yeah, Trent! What Noah said! Plus, you'll know you're in perfectly safe hands! Alejandro said I could work at the control panel!

Trent: Oh no. I haven't even written my will yet.

Izzy: Ha! I wouldn't let you die, Trent!

Noah: At least, not on purpose. (He gives Trent a thumbs-up, and strolls away, whistling merrily. Trent watches him, steaming with anger. Meanwhile, the Killer Redwoods are sorting through the parts they can use to build their ride.)

Ezekiel: Hm, what's this thing, eh? (He pulls out a mini helicopter rotor.) I wonder… (He straps it to his toque, and flips the switch on the side. Suddenly, he lifts off the ground, and rises into the sky.)

DJ: Whoa! Look at Ezekiel!

Katie: What's the idiot doing now?

Ezekiel: I'm flyin', eh! I'm really flyin'! Check this, eh, cause you won't never see me again! I'll be up in the sky, goin' wherever I want! Word! (He climbs higher and higher, until he disappears into the clouds.)

Geoff: Well, there he goes. Gone forever.

Harold: Maybe we'll actually get some work done now. But I can't get anything done with these! (He picks up a spatula and throws it away in disgust. Anger burning in his eyes, he stomps over to Chris, who is applying lipstick.)

Harold: Chris! The parts you gave us to build our rides are highly inadequate.

Chris: Speaking of parts, do you think I should part my hair this way… (He combs his hair to the left.)… or this way? (He combs his hair to the right.)

Owen: Left. Definitely. It makes you look much sexier.

Chris: Thank you for your unnecessarily gay comments. Now, what don't you like about my parts, Harold? Wow, now I sound like a pedophile.

Harold: None of them can be used to build a ride!

Chris: Not my problem. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go try out my new part. (He combs his hair to the left, and walks over to Lindsay to flirt.)

Katie: It's alright, Harold. We'll manage. After all, the master doesn't need materials to build something revolutionary. He just needs his mind.

Harold: Exactly! You're right! C'mon, guys, lug all the parts you can carry! We're going to win this challenge under my leadership!

Tyler: Yeah! Power to the smart person! (He starts to run over and grab some parts, but DJ puts a hand on his shoulder.)

DJ (his voice low): Listen, Tyler, I need you to tell me something.

Tyler (yelling): Anything, my bud! What secret do you want me to tell you?

DJ: Shhhh! You don't want anyone to hear! Now, is the alliance thinking of taking out my girl Katie tonight if we lose? (Tyler looks around nervously.)

Tyler: Good day for crabcakes, eh? I'm gonna go fish for some! (He runs off.)

DJ: Hm. He doesn't seem too suspicious.

**Confession Cam**

**DJ: I'm hopin' that Geoff will make the right call if we lose tonight and choose Sierra. Just one more day with my beloved Katie… that's all I need. She's a nicer girl than you might think. It's not like she's just using this relationship to further herself in the game. **

**Tyler: Geoff told me not to tell DJ anything about the top secret plan… but I'm bad at keeping secrets… (Gwen sticks her head in.)**

**Gwen (scowling, remembering Season 3): You got that right, buster. **

**End of Confessionals**

Alejandro: Ah, the Pendulum de Alejandro is almost ready… it is magnificent, is it not?

Trent: MMMMPPHHH! (Alejandro glances over at Trent, who is wrapped tightly in his tortilla, a sock stuffed in his mouth. Cody, Izzy, Beth, and Noah are propping him up.)

Beth: Man, he thrashed a lot, but we were able to get him all wrapped up.

Noah: Snug as a bug in a rug.

Alejandro: Don't you think the sock in the mouth is a bit overkill?

Izzy: No! And guess what? It's one of Owen's extra dirty ones! (Courtney walks over to Trent and pats him on the back.)

Courtney: Trent, dearie, are you alright? Do you want me to kick all of these losers' asses? (Trent's face softens when he sees Courtney, but then hardens again.)

Trent: MMMGHHHH!

Courtney (to the rest of the team): Can't you see you're torturing him? Why are you doing this?

Gwen: He had it coming for far too long.

Izzy: C'mon! Let's take it for a test run! (She hops into the control panel.) Load Trent up into the pendulum, and we can try it out! (With Trent protesting into his sock, the Screaming Ivy team members put Trent into a claw, which closes on him. The guitarist's eyes bulge from the tightness.)

Alejandro: See, Trent? You'll be perfectly safe. (Trent finally gathers enough force to spit out his sock, and immediately starts yelling.)

Trent: You're all psychos! C'mon, someone get me out of this thing! (He looks over at Lindsay.) Lindsay, help me out here!

Lindsay: Who are you? You're kind of weird.

Trent: C'MON!

Izzy: Say, Trent, did you know there's a button here that says "Self-destruct"? Wouldn't it be fun to press it? (She reaches forward.)

Trent: Okay, now calm down there, Izzy, let's not do anything stupid…

Izzy: Okay, I'll just press this one, instead! (She presses a button, and suddenly, the pendulum starts doing loop-de-loop after loop-de-loop. Trent's screams ring out through the entire camp.)

**Confession Cam**

**Trent (coated in barf): My entire team needs to be locked up in an insane asylum. They're just a big group of psychos! The only one who's partially sane is Courtney. I thought she'd be the one I would least be able to stand. But right now, she's the only one that **_**doesn't**_** have a face I want to smash into the concrete. **

**Alejandro: Alright, I feel bad for Trent. But coated in barf or not, I plan my take over as ruler of the team. He's the only one who stands in my way. **

**Gwen: Do I feel bad for Trent? Not one bit. Trent is Trent. And Trent needs a little karma. **

**End of Confessionals**

Bridgette: Oh, god… This looks awfully familiar. (The Killer Redwoods are about half-way done with building their ride off of Harold's blueprints, and can see the shape of it coming into form.)

Harold: As you can see, this is a counter-clockwise rotational disk populated by roving vessels that propel up and down upon an axis.

Bridgette: It's a merry-go-round, Harold.

Tyler: What? A merry-go-round? Where's the thrill in that?

Harold: Merry-go-rounds can be quite frightening. They are quite the thrill.

Katie: Aw, you're such a moron! Er, I mean, I think the ride will be super, Harold.

Harold: And it goes up to two miles per hour!

Tyler: I don't know how much that is, but it better be a lot! Cause this Tyler wants all the adrenaline he can get! (Sierra walks up to one of the unicorns you ride on and touches the plastic.)

Sierra: Wow, who made these?

Geoff: DJ did. Gotta say, the dude's got some major skills.

DJ: Hey man, unicorns are my fave. I gotta let my passion through. (Suddenly, they hear Chris's voice.)

Chris: Attention, campers! Twenty minutes left!

Owen: Harold, how much longer till it's complete?

Harold: Only a few more hours!

Geoff: Dude, we don't have any more hours! We gotta finish, and quick!

Harold: You obviously don't understand the physics of a carousel. There are many components that must be accounted for, and—

Bridgette: We don't have time for components! We need to just get Tyler on this ride for a test run.

Harold: Alright… but this won't end well. (Meanwhile, the Screaming Ivy's pendulum has come to a halt. Trent's entire face is covered in a layer of vomit.)

Trent: Oh… Izzy… why…

Izzy: What, you're sick after that? That was only the test run!

Noah: Yeah, you should see what she has planned for the real run, bud.

Trent: I have money! I have contacts! You don't have to do this!

Chris: Oh, but they do, Trent. (He takes out his megaphone and barks into it.) Attention, campers! Put your tools down! It's time for the ride display! Remember, Chef the Clown and I will be rating your rides on every factor imaginable, and twenty more. So let's see what you have in store for us. (Chef walks over, a clipboard in hand.)

Chef (whispering to Chris): How am I supposed to rate this, again?

Chris (whispering back): Just rate it on how much barf accumulates on the ground. The more, the merrier. Now, Screaming Ivy, show us what you got. It kind of looks like a burrito, don't you think?

Chef: I wouldn't want to eat that burrito. It's jerk flavored. (He beckons to Trent.)

Chris: What might you call this contraption?

Alejandro: I call it… "The Pendulum de Alejandro".

Chris: Boooring. Ten points off for a bad name.

Chef: And ten more points off for having your hair in a ponytail.

Alejandro: Come on! It's what I wear when I'm building something.

Chris: Just start her up, okay? We wanna see some puke splatter.

Izzy: Okey doke! One puke sundae, coming right up! (Before Trent can protest, Izzy flips a switch, and the whole pendulum starts rattling.)

Beth: Um… what's going on?

Alejandro: Izzy! What switch did you just flip?

Izzy: "Super de Duper".

Alejandro: I was hoping you'd press that one.

Courtney: Why? What does it do?

Alejandro: You'll see. (Suddenly, the pendulum starts swinging so fast it becomes a blur. Then, as it swings, it starts spinning on its axis as well, sending Trent flying all over the place.)

Tyler: Dude, that's awesome! That's the kind of ride I like! (Suddenly, he gets covered in Trent's vomit.)

Lindsay: Eww… that's so gross… (A blast of vomit slams into her face too. It then becomes apparent that Trent's throw-up is flying all over the place, creating puddles of barf everywhere.)

Sierra: IT'S CHAOS! EVERBODY DUCK AND COVER! (Everyone runs to hide under the picnic tables. They watch in horror as the barfing continues, until finally, the ride comes to a halt. Trent's face is completely green.)

Trent: Ohh… Izzy, you have mental issues. (He looks over at Chris and Chef, who look like snowmen made out of vomit. The two look at each other, and smile.)

Chris: A+ on the barf factor. (He looks at himself again.) OH MY GOD! THIS IS MY NEW SWEATER, TOO!

Chef: Oh, calm down, ya big cry baby. Let's see what the Killer Redwoods can serve up.

Harold: I promise you, my good sir, you won't be disappointed. The Harold-go-round is wired for safety, perfection, and fun. We hope you enjoy it. (He presses a button on his remote control, and the carousel starts going around in circles. Tyler whoops happily.)

Tyler: Yeah, man! I'm having so much fun! This is the best! Is that good acting, Harold?

Harold: Shhhh! (The merry-go-round goes around for another minute, and then stops.)

Chris: Well, that was… boring. But at least I didn't get coated in a fresh layer of vomit.

Tyler: Ohh… that merry-go-round, it actually takes a toll on your stomach. (He barfs right into Chris's face.)

Chris: Goddamit!

Chef: Well, I'm votin' for the Killer Redwoods to win. I love it when someone barfs in Chris's face.

Chris: No way! Screaming Ivy wins, Killer Redwoods lose, and they'll be sending someone home tonight! Simple as that. Now I am going to go get a three hour long sponge bath with scented candles surrounding me, the lights dimmed, and smooth jazz playing in the background. Do NOT bother me. (He stomps off, leaving a trail of vomit behind him.)

Harold: NOOOO! How could I lose?

Alejandro: I guess your creation just wasn't as artistic as mine. It is alright.

Harold: This isn't over. You hear me? This isn't over!

Alejandro: Ah, but it is. (He rips Trent out of the claw, and unwraps him from the tortilla. Trent falls to the ground, unconscious. Noah walks over and looks down at the musician.)

Noah: Well, that certainly didn't work. Even when we put him as the goat, he still manages to slip by.

Alejandro: Not to worry, amigo. Trent's time will not last long. Not at all. (Meanwhile, the Killer Redwoods are pretty depressed. They look around at each other, silent. Suddenly, Owen farts.)

Owen (noticing the others' glares): What? I thought it would help ease the tension.

DJ: Man, I thought we had it. At least things can't get much worse now. (Suddenly, there is a scream from overhead. Ezekiel comes crashing down from the sky and slams into the brickhouse, knocking him unconscious.)

Ezekiel: Where am I, eh?

Bridgette: You're back at camp, Ezekiel. How was your "trip"?

Ezekiel: I was free, eh, free as a bird… (His eyes close, and he too loses consciousness.)

Katie: Well, we have a vote tonight. I'll see you _boys _tonight. (She spits the word.)

**Confession Cam**

**Geoff: Katie's most likely gunning for me, man. I tell ya, she probably wants to kill me in my sleep. But I've got my six guys, and we're pretty solid. We're not splitting apart any time soon. **

**Owen: I feel really close to all my guy friends! And I gotta tell ya, some of them are smokin' hot! Um, I mean, they get very hot at night. It's a cabin humidity problem. Heh heh. **

**DJ: What to do… what to do… Katie wants me to side with her, Geoff wants me to side with him… but who do I trust more? My best friend since season 1, or the girl that I just started making out with today? Such a hard decision. **

**Katie: In the end, it all comes down to DJ. He may not completely realize it, but he has complete control over how this vote goes. **

**Ezekiel: Man, it was awesome up in the clouds! I was a Zeke bird, man! I was a flying legend, eh! Until the part where I almost got sucked into a jet engine, and was sent flying downwards in a full on tailspin… **

**End of Confessionals**

**Killer Redwoods Cabin (Female)**

Katie: So we're all on board, ladies? Harold requested we try to vote him off first.

Sierra: Totally on board. If this works out, I'll be really happy to see him go.

Bridgette: Me too. He's pretty much gone beyond the point of annoying.

Katie: Too bad that can be used to pretty much describe every guy on our team.

**Killer Redwoods Cabin **

Tyler (in a sing-songy voice): Oh Harold! Owen's got another ripe pair of underwear for you to clean up! (Grumbling, Harold comes over with a pair of sterilized gloves to pick up Owen's drawers.)

Owen: Ooo… these are an especially rank pair, too. I feel for ya, buddy.

Harold (sarcastically): Thanks… that means so much…

Geoff: C'mon, guys! Let's give Harold credit! Say, let's give him a nickname! How about "Underwear Slave"?

Owen: Sounds fitting.

Geoff: Oh, and you might want to get more gloves, Harold. Because Owen's going to be in this game for a long time.

Harold (his eyes narrowing): Oh yes. A _very _long time. (A small smile plays at his lips. Meanwhile, Geoff bounces down on the mattress with DJ, who is sitting with his chin on his hands.)

Geoff: Dude, what's the matter? Aren't you happy? It's a given that we're all gonna make it through tonight's vote. So why are you so down?

DJ: Geoff, can I just talk to you for a moment? Out on the balcony?

Geoff (cheerily): Alright. After all, that's the best place for dramatic vote-changing conversations. (The two head outside and lean against the railing.)

DJ: Tell me now, Geoff. Who are we targeting tonight? And no lying.

Geoff: I wouldn't lie to you, bud! Well, the guys and I talked it over, and… we're gunning for Sierra. (DJ lets out a sigh of relief.)

DJ: Thanks, man. I was worried you'd make the call for Katie there.

Geoff: Nah, I've seen how close you two have become, and I wouldn't want to break that. Now I'll have my girl Bridgette, and you'll have your girl Katie! It'll be like a double date with four weird guys thrown in!

DJ: Guess that sounds good. But thanks, Geoff. This means a lot. Do you want me to tell you a little secret?

Geoff: What's that?

DJ: This is the first girl I've ever dated.

Geoff: What? Dude, really?

DJ: Yeah, I know, big surprise. (He scrunches his face up.) Geoff, are you okay?

Geoff: Yeah, I'm fine. It's… nothing. See ya later. (He walks away, a guilty expression on his face.)

**Confession Cam**

**Geoff: DJ, you know this hurts me as much as it hurts you. But Katie has to go. She's too dangerous to the alliance's stability. Yes, I lied to you. But your vote was one we could spare. And when you see this, I hope you know this is a painful decision. And maybe you'll realize it helped you get farther into the game than you would if she had stayed. (He pauses) Now I feel guilty. I feel dirty, man. And it's not just because Owen got poop all over the floor. (He thinks for a moment) OWEN GOT POOP ALL OVER THE FLOOR? **

**End of Confessionals**

**Campfire Pit**

Chris: Shuffle in, Killer Redwoods, shuffle in. (Tyler, Katie, Geoff, DJ, Harold, Sierra, Owen, Ezekiel, and Bridgette each take a seat in front of him.)

Chris: Welcome, Killer Redwoods, to your fourth ceremony. Notice anything different about me?

Bridgette: No.

Chris: You don't notice how nice I smell from my sponge bath?

Owen (inhaling deeply): Mmmm… you smell wonderful, Chris.

Chris: Thank you, gay boy. Well, Geoff, I think it's only traditional that you start us off with one of your cereal metaphors.

Geoff: Man, I feel like a huge bowl of cocoa puffs sprinkled with marshmallow bits and covered in chocolate sauce.

Chris: Hm. Feeling pretty confident. Why is that?

Geoff: Well, we've got our six guys rock solid in our alliance, and—

Katie: I politely interrupt.

Geoff: No! You will not interrupt, got it? I'm having my happy time! Now, we have our alliance, and everything's good.

Chris: Who are you targeting?

Geoff: We might as well tell you. We're targeting Sierra. (Katie raises her eyebrows at this.)

Ezekiel: Wait, eh, I thought we were votin' for Katie! (DJ gasps at this.)

Geoff: Uh, no… Ezekiel, we're not. Heh-heh… (He grits his teeth) Remember? (He winks at the homeschool a few times.)

Ezekiel: No, you specifically told us we were going to lie to DJ and vote for Katie behind his back! (DJ gasps again. Now Geoff is stuttering.)

Geoff: No… I… but… but… but…

Chris: You like my butt? Thanks. So, Ezekiel claims that Geoff has been lying to his best bud to vote off his girlfriend.

DJ: Geoff! Is this true?

Geoff: No, DJ, we're voting for Sierra. (He steps forcefully on Ezekiel's foot.) Right, Ezekiel?

Ezekiel: Er… right. We aint votin' for Katie! We're votin' for Sierra! Which one's Sierra again?

DJ (shaking his head): I don't believe it.

Owen: The nerve of some people.

Geoff: Owen… you're supposed to be on _our _side!

Owen: Side of what?

Geoff: Never mind.

Chris: Well, this should be an interesting vote. Go line up at the confessional.

**Confession Cam**

**Ezekiel: I think I might've done somethin' wrong, eh. **

**Sierra: Wow, so much drama! I inhale it, it is so delicious. **

**DJ: I'm still in a state of shock. Would Geoff, my best bud from Season 1, lie to me like this? Would he? It all comes down to this. Who do I want to side with? Geoff or Katie? (He thinks for a second, and then his face hardens.) No. I know exactly who I want to side with. **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: Well, tonight you cast your votes. And tonight, I will tell you now, it is our biggest shocker of the season. So, here's who gets granola bars. There are eight on my plate. Nine of you. The first three go to DJ, Bridgette, and Harold. (The three come up to take their granola bars.)

Geoff: Yay for DJ! Let's all give it up for DJ! Because he's a great friend, one I would never lie to, and really wonderful. And I _really _hope he voted the way I told him to. (He keeps on throwing out hints like that. However, DJ just turns away.)

Chris: Aw, a friendship growing cracks. Now, Geoff, come up and join your bitter friend. (Geoff walks up and inspects the granola bars.)

Geoff: Got any cereal-flavored?

Chris: What's with you and cereal? I mean, sure, its fine, but it's not something someone should be this obsessed about.

Sierra: Kind of like you and your obsession with bubble baths.

Chris: You're not supposed to know about that! It almost makes me reluctant to give you this granola bar. But I will, cause I'm nice. (He hurls it at her, and she catches it with quick reflexes.)

Tyler: What about me? C'mon, throw me mine!

Chris: Here you are, Tyler. (He throws one at Tyler, but the jock is unable to catch it, and it slams into his chest, knocking him over.)

Chris: Wonderful reflexes, bud. Now, Ezekiel… have your granola bar.

Ezekiel: Alright, eh! (He starts to walk towards Chris, but the host stops him.)

Chris: No way are you getting near me with that naked body. You'll just stay right where you are, and pretend you got one.

Ezekiel: But I want me granola bar! I want it!

Chris: Okay. Don't get your toque in a tangle. (He tosses one to Ezekiel, and then looks at the bottom two, Owen and Katie.)

Chris: Well, well, well… Owen and Katie. Owen and Katie. Owen… and Katie. Katie… and Owen.

Katie: Hurry up!

Chris: Tonight was a close one. One of you received four votes, one of you received five.

Owen: What? How could I have received so many votes? I thought people loved me!

Harold: Yes, you and your "wonderful" deadly farts.

Chris: So, Owen and Katie, here we go. The final granola bar goes to…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

Katie.

Katie: Hm. Figures. (She walks up and takes the last granola bar. Owen sits in his seat, dumbstruck.)

Owen: But… what… how?

Geoff: This makes no sense. We knew there were at least five of us that all voted for Katie!

Harold: Oh well. Looks like I'm not "underwear slave" anymore. Darn shame. (He starts playing Nintendo DS, his mouth curled up in a smile. Geoff looks at him, his eyes widening, as he realizes what happened.)

Chris: Well, Owen's time here on Total Drama Returns is cut surprisingly short. You'll have to say goodbye, Owen. (Slowly, sadly, Owen gets up from his seat and slumps his way over to the Dock of Shame.)

Geoff: Owen, buddy, we'll all miss ya.

Tyler: Hope you get your indigestion fixed!

Ezekiel: You'll stay in our hearts, eh! (Owen boards the Boat of Losers, looking out at Camp Wawanakwa.)

Owen: You know what? I may be out of the game, but my spirit stays at Camp Wawanakwa!

Tyler: That's the spirit, buddy!

Owen: I'm a free man! A free man! A free… (Suddenly, the boat starts wobbling, and then sinks into the water.)

Chris: Goddamit, Owen, that's the Boat of Losers you just sunk! (Meanwhile, DJ sits at the Campfire Pit, poking the dying coals of the fire. Katie comes up and pats him on the back.)

Katie: Good work tonight, DJ. You made the right decision.

DJ: Well, that's what Geoff gets for lyin' to me. (Harold walks over and smiles.)

Harold: And now that Owen's gone…

Katie: …we can take out whoever we like! With your help, of course, DJ. You will help us… right?

DJ: What? Oh, yeah. Sure.

Katie: Good. (She kisses him, and walks off in the direction of the cabin.)

Harold: DJ, now that you're part of our alliance, I was thinking I could pass on the eternal truth to you.

DJ: And what's that eternal truth?

Harold: Now hold on a minute. This is a very important truth. Are you sure you want to hear it? It may change your life forever.

DJ: Just tell me!

Harold: In Star Trek, Captain Kirk… it better than Captain Bicard. Yes, I know, shocking.

DJ: Alrighty then. I'm just gonna… go. (He runs away)

**Outside the Screaming Ivy Cabin**

(The Screaming Ivy team is sitting in a circle, roasting marshmallows.)

Lindsay: Where'd you even get these marshmallows, Izzo?

Izzy: Wasn't too hard. I mean, I had to stuff Chef's head in a blender, but other than that, it was relatively easy.

Gwen: Is Chef alright?

Izzy: Define "alright".

Beth: Is he alive?

Izzy: Um… I think I better check. (She races off.)

Alejandro: Attention! I think it is time for a toast. There was someone who had to face their life fear, but really pulled through for us today and gave us the win. Trent, stand up and bow. (A big grin on his face, Trent gets up and starts feverishly bowing.)

Trent: Thank you, thank you, I know, I know, thank you—(Suddenly, he is pelted with a flurry of marshmallows from his teammates. Scowling, he sits back down. Then he looks at his marshmallow, which is cooking in the fire.)

Trent: Well, at least I have you.

Courtney: Trent, your marshmallow is burning!

Trent: Goddamit! (He takes it out, but suddenly, gets his pant leg on fire.) Ow! Hot hot hot! (Noah snickers.)

Trent: Hey! It's not funny!

Noah: Yeah it is. (Trent angrily stuffs an uncooked marshmallow in his mouth, and suddenly starts choking. Izzy runs over to slam her fist into his stomach. However, she miscalculates her aim, and her fist slams into his crotch, instead. Trent keels over, choking, burning, and moaning in pain. Everyone looks at him for a second, and then turn to each other.)

Cody: G'night, guys.

Noah: Night.

Courtney: What about Trent?

Gwen: You better help him. He doesn't seem to be doing too well. (Cackling, she heads to the cabin, followed by the rest of the team.)

Courtney: Hey, come back here! Come on! You'll all pay! Every single one of you!

Gwen (from inside the cabin): Will that be happening anytime soon? Because you never seem to live up to your threats.

Courtney (to herself): Oh, just you wait, Gwenny. Just you wait. (She then starts to give Trent the Heimlich maneuver, plotting as she goes.)

**How will Courtney get her revenge?**

**Is Trent's karma finally catching up with him? **

**What will become of the guys' alliance? **

**Is DJ still wavering on which side he should choose? **

**And what might Chris want to do to the campers tomorrow?**

**Find out on the next pulse-pounding, hilarious episode of**

**Total Drama Returns!**

**Eliminated: Heather, Duncan, Eva, Leshawna, Justin, Sadie, Owen**

**Still in the game: ****Noah, Katie, Cody, Trent, Lindsay, Beth, Harold, Tyler, Izzy, Sierra, Alejandro, Gwen, Courtney, Geoff, Bridgette, DJ, Ezekiel**

**Note: I'm very sorry to Owen fans. Very sorry. Simple as that. But I wanted a shocking ceremony, and he seemed the best choice. **

**Votes:**

Ezekiel—Katie

Harold—**Owen**

Katie—**Owen**

Tyler—Katie

Geoff—Katie

DJ—**Owen**

Sierra—**Owen**

Bridgette—**Owen**

Owen—Katie

**Owen: 5**

Katie: 4

**NEXT TIME: **The teams clash it out as they make inspiring, memorable commercials to promote their own new products. On the film set, the drama rolls: With the Killer Redwood guys' trying to lure Harold back to their side, and Trent being a bastard, as usual.


	25. Day 8 Part 1: Gagvertisements

**Total Drama Returns**

The Cheesebub's Message: Okay, so for me, summer break has officially started. Does that mean the updates will become more frequent? Possibly. When I'm at home and have nothing to do, then you should get 2-3 updates per week. When I'm off at camp or on vacation, expect no updates, but as quick an update as possible once I return. Also, please continue to vote on the poll. PLEASE! It's all I ask of you. All I ask.

**NerdyBarista—**Luckily, being 8th grade senator doesn't add anything, because it's actually for the semester once I get back from school. And now, I find it, I have almost nothing to do at the moment. (At least, until Monday.) By sickening image, do you mean the part with Ezekiel? Because yeah, I got a pretty sickening image there too. Yes, the karma for Trent last episode came in vomit-coated *****. This episode, it comes in getting battered by Izzy-made weapons. Anyone, in my opinion, deserved victory over that lame-ass carousel Harold made. Yep, I made Geoff a little more of a strategist, but I'll try to give him some of that goofy charm. The reason for giving others a chance to shine was the main reason I got rid of Owen. And he's a screen-hog. Harold's a pawn, alright, but as you'll see this episode, he sure doesn't think so. He actually thinks _he's _the leader of the alliance. I agree completely with your opinion on Katie. She's almost an Alejandro right now, taking out whomever she pleases. Unless, of course, somebody switches over to Geoff's side.

**Jacky Dupree—**I, too, like Heather, Duncan, and Owen, but the main reason I got rid of them, was, like you said, to give the other characters a fresh change of pace. I can promise you, however, that you have not seen the last of the three. Don't like Harold? I guess that makes sense, he sometimes is quite annoying. Noah, Gwen, and Bridgette are all pretty cool. Katie and DJ do make a cute couple, and I don't know why I like Trentney. Maybe… er… seriously, I can't explain it. Sorry. Geoff, I agree, can be a real jerk sometimes. Trust me, I'm trying to make it so that he's jerk, but at least a funny jerk. I will only use Blainley at one point, but she won't be a competitor. She IS extremely annoying. Beth's pig is back this episode, not to worry. Zeke really is a riot, I agree. See? Maybe now you understand my reason for Trentney. They're both hated by their team, so they stick together. Alejandro does seem sort of lost, now, doesn't he? He's pretty much lost his powers, but he's been able to stay in the game, unlike Justin. It proves he's a fighter. Nizzy will come around; but I like relationships that transition from just being very good friends at first. Chris is pretty hypocritical with the gay comment.

**Darkmist914—**So, you like Noah, Bridgette, Harold, Alejandro, Cody, Lindsay, Tyler, Beth, Izzy, and Ezekiel? I guess that means you dislike the other remaining seven: Sierra, Geoff, DJ, Katie, Trent, Courtney, and Gwen? That means you like ten of the remaining seventeen campers. Interesting. Very interesting.

**Nagasha—**I actually really like the karma Gwen, so I thought I'd bring it back. Yes, making Trent and Courtney the ones hated by the entire team gives the story a new feel for now. It makes them, almost, I guess you could put it, underdogs.

**Panda N. Reaper—**Yes, poor Alejandro indeed. I actually cringed when I wrote that part. Yes, now you understand just how gay Chris is. You're annoyed with Owen being gay? Imagine how Justin feels. He's now trapped with the gay boy at the Playa de Losers. Should make for some interesting footage for the "After the Dock of Shame" Episode. Yeah, Chef really knows how to lay down the HEAT! Ezekiel always ruins everything. You should get used to that. JK

**QueenofthePuckabrinas—**Wow. You're very passionate about Nizzy and Gwody (or I guess I should call it Cwen). Anyway, it's good to know you're liking the story. So you really want some Nizzy? Gwody? Er… possibly. It all depends, it all depends.

**ChibiRox—**Seems like everyone wanted the karma to finally come to Trent. So you're going into 8th grade too? Or are you leaving 8th grade now for 9th grade? Either way, pretty cool. I'll try to keep updating, but man, sometimes it's strenuous.

* * *

Chris Mclean: Last time, on Total Drama Returns: It was the Grand Wawanakwa Carnival, and boy, was it a sight to behold! We let the campers enjoy their time indulging themselves in their amusement park fetishes. During this time, Katie made a bold move by making out with DJ in a haunted house, attempting to lure him over to her alliance, along with a newly-added Harold. With all this steamy drama going on, we hit the challenges, pronto. After Gwen was able to win her team a bucking bronco ride by outlasting everyone on a rollercoaster extravaganza, it was up to the campers to design their ultimate carnival rides. The Killer Redwoods chose Harold as designer, while the Screaming Ivy chose Alejandro. In the end, Chef and I enjoyed watching Trent puke his brains out more than we enjoyed Tyler ride a carousel, so the Screaming Ivy won once again. And now, at the end of the day, the Killer Redwood Guys Alliance is no more, with Owen gone, thanks to manipulating by Katie. Katie seems to be in complete control of the vote now. Or is she? Find out on today's episode of Total Drama Returns!

**(Theme Song Plays)**

**Day 8 Part 1—Chapter 25: Gagvertisements**

**(Late Night)**

**Auditorium**

Chris: Okay, Chef, do you have the video camera ready?

Chef: Of course I got it ready! How old do you think I am?

Chris: Alright, alright. Say, how old _are_ you? I've never asked.

Chef: Oh no. No no no no no! We are _not _goin' there! We just need to film this, and go to bed!

Chris: Okay, on to the important stuff. Tell me, Chef, which direction of projection should the lighting take to fully enunciate every curve of my beautiful face? (He strokes his cheekbones seductively.)

Chef: What is this, your Hollywood debut? Just start talkin'!

Chris: Where's my makeup artist? I need a touch-up on my forehead.

Chef: We don't have a makeup artist, ya big baby!

Chris: You know, Chef, sometimes you really hurt my feelings.

Chef: You'll be hurtin' a lot more soon! (He sighs) I'm just sayin' we shouldn't be this worried about the lighting. It aint gonna make a difference.

Chris: How could you say something like that? (He puts his head in his hands.) I thought I knew you. (He starts to sob quietly to himself.)

Chef: C'mon, now. Stop it, ya overgrown child! (When Chris continues to sob, Chef groans and slaps his forehead.)

Chef: Chris! We aint got time for this!

Chris: Fine. But say that I have luscious eyebrows.

Chef: Uhh… you have luscious eyebrows.

Chris: Good. Start up the camera.

Chef: Here we go. 1… 2… 3… and, we're rollin'!

**(Early Morning)**

**Screaming Ivy Cabin (Females)**

Beth: How long do you think it'll be before Courtney gets back from the infirmary? (She strokes Big Bertha nervously.)

Gwen: I don't know, but I hope it's as long as possible. I'm completely enjoying this. (She leans back in her bed, relaxing.)

Izzy: I wonder if Trent's in critical condition. Then maybe I could perform surgery on him! (She takes out a briefcase filled with knives and scalpels and starts sorting through them, an evil glint in her eyes.)

Lindsay: I'm so confused. Like, who's Trent? And who's Courtney? (She taps her temples furiously.)

Gwen: Lindsay, I think it would be best for all of us if you just didn't think. (Suddenly, a pink envelope is slipped under the door.)

Lindsay: AHHH! Spider! (She starts smashing it with her handbag.)

Beth: Lindsay, stop! It's not a spider, it's an envelope! (She snatches it off the ground, and opens it up. Inside is a crumpled letter. She starts to read aloud.) _Come down to the ampitheater this morning for a special treat. _

Gwen (sarcastically): Oh boy. I can't wait to see what he means by that.

Beth: _You will be amazed. You will be astounded. You will start to question the laws of the universe. And, by the end of the presentation, you will feel complete. Come immediately, and be prepared. _

Lindsay: OMG, I hope it's a musical! One with singing and dancing. Like Margaret Poopins!

Beth: _Mary Poppins_, Lindsay.

Izzy: Maybe we'll get to see Trent's autopsy! That would be so awesome!

Gwen (smirking): That, I can agree with. (The four of them head out of the cabin.)

**Screaming Ivy Cabin (Males)**

(Meanwhile, on the boys' side, Noah, Cody, and Alejandro are just waking up.)

Cody: Ohh… I had the worst nightmare last night. Want to hear about it?

Noah: No. I really don't care about any past worries of yours that were translated into your sleep patterns. I don't care about you in general.

Cody: Okay, here's how it went. I was tiny, and Sierra was huge! Then she started hugging me, and suffocating me, and—(He pulls away his covers to make his bed, but screams when he sees Sierra lying in there.) AHHH! Sierra, what the heck are you doing in here?

Sierra: Tell me about your nightmare, Cody-Wumpkins.

Cody: Okay, who let her in? (He looks over to see that one of the windows is open.) Al! I told you not to open any windows!

Alejandro: I am sorry, amigo. My hair needs a gentle breeze to maintain its slightly wavy texture.

Noah: Sierra, you gotta get out. This is a boys' only area.

Sierra: And _you _should mind your own business, Mr. I-like-watching-Japanese-videos-of-cats-playing-keyboards!

Noah: How… how do you know that? (He looks completely horrified.)

Alejandro (chuckling): Really? You didn't seem like that sort of person, Noah. (He smirks)

Noah: Shut up.

Cody: Sierra, can you please leave—

Sierra: Ooo! An envelope! (She races over to open it. Once she's ripped it open, she reads the letter.) Chris says we need to go to the amphitheater for a special presentation. C'mon guys, let's go! (She jumps up from Cody's bed.)

Noah: What, do you think you're part of the team now or something? Give me that! (He snatches the letter away from her.)

Alejandro: Noah, perhaps he will be playing one of those cat videos you love so much. (He nudges the bookworm in the ribs playfully.)

Noah: Stop giving me a hard time about it! Geez!

Sierra: So… are we going?

Noah: _We're _going. (He beckons to himself, Cody, and Alejandro. Then he points at Sierra.) _You're _going with your own team.

Sierra: Says who, Mr. I-like-going-on-the-internet-and—

Noah: Okay, you can come with us! Just please don't finish that sentence.

Sierra: Alright! (She grabs Cody, suffocating him, and runs out of the cabin. Noah and Alejandro follow after her.)

Alejandro: Say, Noah, what _do _you do on the internet?

Noah: Don't even be asking me those sort of questions, bub.

**Confession Cam**

**Noah: I can't stand Sierra. Before too long, she'll have revealed to the world all my deepest, darkest secrets! **

**Sierra: Knowing embarrassing information about the contestants can have its advantages. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Killer Redwood Cabin (Females)**

Bridgette: Uhh… where's Sierra?

Katie (looking around suspiciously): That's right. Where _is _she? I hope she's not interacting with the guys over there. We know what that could mean.

Bridgette: You actually think she could switch over to their side?

Katie: Anything's possible. (Suddenly, she hears a loud thump from the other side of the wall. Fuming, she walks over and pounds her fist against it.) What's going on in there?

Ezekiel (from the other side of the wall): Oops. Sorry, eh. Was that loud?

Katie: You didn't answer my question! What's going on in there?

Ezekiel: I'm just buildin' meself something. It's nothing you should be worryin' about, eh. (Katie turns away from the wall and scowls.)

Katie: Ezekiel's _soooo _gone next.

Bridgette: Why, because of that one little thing he just did? Isn't that a little extreme?

Katie: Bridgette, he's like a ticking time bomb! You never know when he's going to explode! (Right after she says this, there is a loud, cabin shaking explosion from the boys' side of the wall. Katie and Bridgette both fall out of their beds and land on the floor.)

Ezekiel: Oops. I guess I used too much dynamite in building meself a new nose-picker. (Bridgette looks over at Katie after he says this.)

Bridgette: Alright, you have a point. (Suddenly, she notices the letter.) Say, what's that?

Katie: Let's see. (She picks up the envelope and takes out the slip of paper. After reading it, she scowls.) Chris wants us over at the amphitheater, pronto.

Bridgette: Oh no. You don't think it'll be another talent show, do you? (She thinks back to the first one, where she threw up on everybody.)

Katie: Nah, Chris says we're going to watch something.

Bridgette: Hm. Very mysterious. That can't be good. (Then she remembers something.) Oh my gosh! I never congratulated you on going out with DJ! He's a really nice person. You're very lucky.

Katie: I know. He's really wonderful. Plus, he does whatever I say.

Bridgette: What?

Katie: Yeah. He totally just listens to me. With him under my control, I'll make it to the end. Isn't that great?

Bridgette: Huh? Oh… yeah. (As the walk out of the cabin, she scrunches up her eyebrows.)

**Confession Cam**

**Bridgette: I have noticed a change in Katie recently. She seems a lot more focused on the game. Which I guess is good, since we came to play… but wow. She's in a relationship with a wonderful guy, but all she thinks about is her progress in the game. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Killer Redwood Cabin (Males)**

Geoff: Listen, dudes… I know last night we didn't exactly come together… but there's still hope! There's still five guys and three girls. If we come together, it's still possible! It is! C'mon, Harold, join our side again.

Harold: Geoff, I know it upsets you. But I find better acquaintance with the lovely ladies of our team. They respect my vision. They see me as the Miyazaki. I am their visionary.

Geoff: Uh… what? Miyazaki sounds like some kind of noodle dish.

Harold: How could you not know Hayao Miyazaki? Gosh! He's only the most famous animated film writer in Japan! He's a samurai of the written word and imagination!

Geoff: Dude, so there's no way you're gonna help us?

Harold: Not with your cultural insensitivity, no! Gosh!

Ezekiel: I'm with ya, Geoff. (He takes off his hat and bows down to the party boy.)

Geoff: Uh… okay. How about you, DJ? (DJ is sitting in the corner, sniffling.)

DJ: M-maybe. I dunno. I just don't like it when people try to lie to me.

Geoff: I was just trying to help you, DJ. It was a white lie.

Ezekiel: Hey, don't be racist, man!

Geoff: That's not what a white lie is! Oh, never mind. I guess this alliance is over. Before it even really began.

Tyler: Hey, dudes! Check it out! It's a letter! (He rips it open.) Sweet! We're off to the amphitheater!

Harold: What for? Perhaps I can showcase my mad skillz to the entire camp.

Tyler: Nah, it just says here we're gonna watch something.

Ezekiel: I don't have time for that! I haven't even gotten my morning shoower, eh! (Grabbing a towel, a bar of soap, and a shower cap, he runs off.)

Geoff (calling after him): Don't be late! (He snickers to himself)

DJ: What's so funny?

Geoff: The dude just entered the girls' bathroom.

**Amphitheater**

Chris: Welcome, everyone. (The campers are sitting in the bleachers in front of a large stage.) You are about to see a truly cinematic masterpiece. And just in time, it's Trent, everybody! (Everybody turns to see Trent walking in with a neck cast. Courtney walks behind him, her eyes shooting daggers at everyone.)

Noah: If it isn't Trent. How ya feelin' buddy? (Trent just glares at him and walks past.)

Gwen: Don't you think that's a bit overkill? A full neck cast? For choking on a marshmallow? (Trent turns to her and scowls.)

Trent: I'll have you know that this marshmallow was not your average marshmallow. You see, most marshmallows have a diameter of about one inch. Mine had a diameter of an inch and a half. Chef said I was lucky to survive.

Gwen (sarcastically): Wow, what a touching story. (Trent doesn't hear the sarcasm in her voice.)

Trent: I know. But sadly, I have to wear this specially designed neck cast that will help me get over the pain. (Chris turns to Chef.)

Chris (whispering): Where'd you get the neck cast?

Chef: I didn't. I just took a roll of toilet paper and stuffed it over his head.

Chris: Classic. Attention campers! Sit with your respective teams! The show's about to start! (The campers shuffle around, with the Screaming Ivy sitting in one bleacher and the Killer Redwoods sitting in the other. However, Sierra sits with the Screaming Ivy. Katie notices this.)

Katie: Hey! Sierra! You can't sit with the other team! You have to sit with _our _team!

Sierra: Can't I sit with my Cody-Wumpkins just this once?

Katie: No! Now get over here! (Sighing, Sierra slumps over to the other bleacher. Meanwhile, Gwen is sitting near Courtney, who hasn't said a word.)

Gwen: You're being awfully silent. (Courtney doesn't turn to her.)

**Confession Cam**

**Courtney: I care not to associate myself with people who would leave a person to die. So I don't think I'll be talking to my teammates anytime soon. I could sue every single one of them! And I wouldn't even get sanctioned for frivolous lawsuit! **

**Trent: I saw my life flash before my eyes in that moment as I choked on that ridiculously large marshmallow. (A single tear rolls down his cheek.) I didn't know if I was gonna make it. But in the end, I was able to pull through. You come that close to death, and you're a changed man. But one thing hasn't changed. I still want to see Noah's sorry butt go. And I will do anything to make that happen**

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: Okay, Chef, start up the show. (Chef rolls in a TV, and turns it on. On the TV, Chris is holding up a ketchup bottle and smiling a gleaming white grin.)

_Chris: Hey there. Chris Mclean here. I know some ketchup just doesn't cut it. But Chef Hatchet's fresh ketchup is always made with only the ripest of tomatoes. He hand picks them every morning, to get only the freshest ketchup possible. I just love Chef Hatchet's ketchup! Don't believe me? Watch. (He uncaps the ketchup bottle, rips off his shirt, and starts rubbing the ketchup all over his chest.)_

Courtney: What is this? A ketchup ad or a porno?

Ezekiel: I'd buy that ketchup, eh.

Chris: Wait! It's not done! (He points back to the screen, where Chris now has the ketchup smeared all over his chest.)

_Chris: Ahh… crisp, refreshing… nothing like rubbing Chef Hatchet's ketchup all over my manly man chest… mmm… (As he continues to rub in more ketchup, a naked woman comes up and starts licking the tomato paste off his chest. She turns to the camera.)_

_Woman: Mmm… yummy. (The video shuts off.)_

Courtney: Yep. Definitely a porno.

Tyler: Was that… my mom?

Chris: Maybe.

Noah: Okay, Chris, how much did you pay that woman to do that? Because nobody would lick your naked chest for free.

Sierra (smiling creepily): I would.

Chris: And now I have to turn on the electric fence around my trailer again.

Bridgette: What was the point of that commercial?

Gwen: …Besides mentally disturbing us, of course.

Chris: I did it to teach you about the way of advertising! In the industry, boring just doesn't cut it. You have to go for the "wow" factor. That commercial, you see, it had the "wow" factor.

Katie: More like the "ewww" factor.

Ezekiel: I thought the ketchup looked pretty tasty, eh.

Chris: Exactly. Ezekiel understands. Nowadays, commercials need to have that special "oomph" to really make it memorable, so that its audience wants to buy the product that the commercial is advertising. If a man in stiff suit came up and started reciting a boring monologue about some product, would you buy it?

Harold: If the man was Mencius, or Mo Ti. Both were exceptional Chinese philosophers. Man, they had some great proverbs.

Chris: Okay, well if you weren't a complete no-life nerd, would you buy it?

Harold: Nah, probably not.

Chris: Now you understand. So, as some of you may have already realized, today we will be making commercials.

Sierra: Taking a drive back to the second challenge of Season 3 Episode 3, are you, Chris?

Chris: Uhh… was that the one with the bikes?

Sierra: No! That was Season 1 Episode 18!

Chris: Oh. Okay. Whatever you say. But I'm still pretty sure it was the one with the bikes.

Beth: So each of our teams will be filming a commercial for some product Chef made?

Chris: No. Not exactly. Each and every one of you will be making your own separate commercials! But not only that. You will also have to come up with your own product to advertise. So this will be quite an interesting challenge.

Geoff: Sounds awesome! I can advertise the new cereal brand I'm making! I'm calling it "Geoff Flakes".

Katie: Well, your name is Geoff, and you are flake, so I guess that makes sense.

Geoff (not understanding the insult): I know, right?

Chris: Soo… you'll have all day to film your commercials, and then we'll have the big premiere tonight. You can have a friend film it, or you can film it yourself, whatever.

DJ: Is this a reward or an elimination challenge?

Chris: Good question, DJ. (He pats the brickhouse on the head.) And my answer is: both! Now, when you present your commercials; Me, Chef, and a very special guest will be judging them. We will say whether your commercial passed or failed. The team with the most passes wins invincibility. Now, for the reward. At the end of the day, the person who we think has the best commercial… wins a two-day trip on a cruise line with one other person!

Katie (running her fingers along DJ's chest): Now that's something we could use, huh, DJ? (She purrs into his ear.)

DJ (shaking): Yeah. W-we c-could use that.

Chris: But that's only for the best of the best. Soo… with that motive, get filming! Of course, first you'll have to decide what you're advertising. Now, if you'll excuse me… I'm going to go film some more ketchup commercials.

Chef: Hey! You're just doin' that so you can get another girl to lick your chest!

Chris: Nuh-uh.

Chef: Yuh-huh.

Chris: Well, it's just too bad that you don't also have a girl to lick your chest, huh, Chef?

Chef: Okay, this conversation is getting awkward.

**Confession Cam**

**Lindsay: So I'm, like, really confused right now. I don't know what to advertise! Hm, maybe Tyler can help me. (Suddenly, she gets an idea.) I can advertise Tyler!**

**Cody: I'm not quite sure what I should advertise yet. But it will be revolutionary, I can tell you that much. (His eyes light up) I got it! (He takes Gwen's bra and straps it to his head.) Bra hats! **

**Harold (pointing to his Nintendo DS): Need I say more? **

**Katie: I'm going to try as hard as I can for this challenge. After all, I need to win the reward so I can take DJ on the cruise and completely solidify his trust. **

**DJ: Spending two days… alone… with Katie… (His eyes grow wide, but then he slaps himself.) C'mon DJ. Stay pure. Momma wants you to stay pure. **

**Beth (patting Big Bertha): I hope you're ready, Big Bertha, because you'll be the star of my commercial! **

**Izzy: Chris said he wanted the commercial to have a "wow" factor. So maybe if I blew up the camp, Chris would give me more "wow" points! **

**Sierra: So much Cody merchandise I could sell… Cody gummies, Cody lamps… but I think I have to go with Cody dolls. Those things are just adorable! **

**End of Confessionals**

Alejandro: My specialty brewed sports drink, Alejandroade, will be perfect. What are you going to sell to Chris, amigo? (He nudges Trent.)

Trent (shrugging): Something.

Alejandro: C'mon, you must have some idea of what you want to do.

Trent: The only thing I'm thinking about right now is revenge. Look at me! I have a frickin' toilet paper roll stuffed over my head!

Chef: Uh-oh. He's onto me.

Alejandro: Well, perhaps Courtney can help you come up with something.

Trent: Meh, she's too busy creating some product called "Goth Repellent". (Gwen overhears this as she polishes what appears to be a skull.)

Gwen: What? Okay, Courtney, that's the last straw. (She stomps off in the direction of the C.I.T.)

Harold: Mmm… I smell a catfight. (Meanwhile, Sierra is showing her Cody doll to Cody.)

Sierra: Isn't it perfect?

Cody: Kind of creepy, don't you think?

Sierra: No, silly! And look! I made a "Sierra doll" for you to advertise! We can proclaim our love to each other this way!

Cody: Actually, I already kind of came up with my own—

Sierra: Here! (She hands him a doll of herself.) Have fun! (She skips off, hugging the Cody doll to her chest. The geek looks after, and sighs.)

Cody: How creepy can you get? (He looks at the Sierra doll.) As much as I don't want to hurt Sierra's feelings, this is just going too far. Besides, I have important work to do. (He gets a perverted glint in his eyes when he says this. Grinning, he sneaks into the girls' side of the Screaming Ivy Cabin. Tyler, leaning against the railing of the Killer Redwoods Cabin, watches the pervert enter with slight amusement.)

Tyler: The dude's got courage, I gotta give him that. (Suddenly, Lindsay starts tugging on his arm.)

Lindsay: C'mon, Tyler! I'm advertising you!

Tyler: Wait, Lindsay—

Lindsay: No weights! You can weight-lift later! We have to go! (She drags the jock away.)

**Confession Cam**

**Tyler: Okay, I'm glad Lindsay finally remembers me and all, but now that she does, she seems kind of, I don't know, annoying, maybe? But I want to make her happy, so I'll do what she says. As long as she isn't falling for that Alejandro. **

**End of Confessionals**

Geoff (singing to himself in the Mess Hall): Making my Geoff-flakes… making my Geoff-flakes… (He is stirring a big bowl of cereal up at one of the tables. Bridgette sits next to him, polishing a surfboard.)

Bridgette: You really like making those Geoff-flakes, don't you, Geoff?

Geoff: Bridge, this is going to be the best cereal you've ever tasted! That, I can assure you.

Bridgette: Okay, then while you're at it, why don't you tell me why you tried to vote off Katie last night? Why did you lie to DJ? (Geoff stops stirring, and looks at her.)

Geoff: *sigh*… I don't know, I just felt that there was something dangerous about Katie. Still do. It's like something snapped in her the night Sadie left. (Bridgette nods.)

Bridgette: I know she's my friend and all, but I have to agree with you.

Geoff: Say! I have an idea! Maybe you could vote with us! We could take down Katie if you were on our side.

Bridgette: Oh, that doesn't seem right, Geoff.

Geoff: Why not? You've known me for four seasons. You've only really known her for about the past few days.

Bridgette: I know, I know. I'll think about it, okay?

Geoff: Good. Now, while you're here, could you taste my Geoff-flakes? (He scoops up a spoon-full and she tastes it.)

Bridgette: Um… Geoff?

Geoff: Yeah?

Bridgette: These "Geoff-flakes" taste an awful lot like Frosted Flakes.

Geoff: True, but they're different.

Bridgette: How?

Geoff: One starts with an "F", one starts with a "G". (He grins triumphantly.) See? I've caught you in a scientific loophole! You don't know how to respond!

Bridgette: You're right. I really don't know how to respond to that.

**Deep in the Forest**

Noah: Okay, Izzy, you brought me here. Now what are we going to do?

Izzy: We're going to film my commercial, silly!

Noah: And just what might you be advertising? (Izzy takes out a huge pile of weapons, including bazookas, flamethrowers, and nuclear missile launchers. Noah gasps.)

Izzy: My own brand of special weapons!

Noah: You can't… that's just… (Izzy points a flamethrower straight at a tree.)

Izzy: Check this out! I can start a forest fire!

Noah: NO! Izzy, just calm down. Now tell me, what are you going to do for this commercial?

Izzy: Start a forest fire.

Noah: Maybe you should do something else.

Izzy: No! I have to show the true power of my weapons!

Noah: Um… why don't you just… shoot them at… I don't know, the water? That way, nothing burns.

Izzy: Say! That gives me an idea! Let's go try out the weapons on Trent! And you can film it!

Noah: He could get seriously hurt! And he's already injured! (He suddenly realizes what he just said.) Let's do it. (Meanwhile, not too far away, Beth is dressing up Big Bertha.)

**Confession Cam**

**Beth: I'm going to advertise my own specialty line of pig accessories. That's exactly the kind of thing that will sell huge with farmers. Who doesn't want to see their pig in a tutu? **

**End of Confessionals**

Beth: C'mon, Big Bertha, stop being so difficult! (She's trying to force a tutu over the pig's head, but the swine won't stop squealing and bucking its head.) C'mon, why must you be so hard on me? (Suddenly, Big Bertha escapes her grasp.)

Beth: No! Big Bertha! Come back! (She runs after the pig. Meanwhile, Harold is sitting at one of the picnic tables and applying face powder to his Nintendo DS.)

Harold: C'mon, Georgina, you have to look absolutely stunning for the camera. Otherwise people just won't buy you. Now, what game should I be displaying? Pac-man or Mario? Gosh, the choice is so difficult. Katie, what do you think? (He glances over at Katie, who is sitting across from him, fiddling with a video camera.)

Katie: I think you need to get a life. Er, I mean, I think both games are phenomenal, Harold.

Harold: I agree. But I think I'll go with Pac-man. Seems like the kind of game Chris would like. And I'm a little fed up with the forty-fourth level of Mario. For one, the boss is completely cheap. Why should there be a boss that can climb up walls? And I just can't seem to find that third star token. Like, where is it? Down a pipe? In a Goomba? Up so high I have to use a cannon to reach it?

Katie: I think the star token's far away from here. Maybe you should go look for it. Far. Away. From here. (She grits her teeth together.)

Harold: I think I'll stay. I enjoy your company.

Katie (gritting her teeth even more): If only it were mutual. (She says this just quiet enough so Harold can't hear.)

**Killer Redwood Cabin (Males)**

DJ (sitting on his bed): Think DJ, think. What should you advertise? (He think for a little bit) Dang. I have no idea what I want to do for my commercial. Unless…

**Confession Cam**

**DJ: Okay, so my momma taught me to make this specialty pet food. And man, it was delicious! Uh… not like I ate it or anything. But maybe that's the thing I could advertise! Only one problem: I think I'd need an animal in my commercial. With my curse and all… could I really put an animal's life in danger? **

**End of Confessionals**

DJ: Oh, what to do, what to do… (Suddenly, the door slams open, and Ezekiel troops in.)

Ezekiel: What's up, eh? (He starts sorting through his duffle bag.)

DJ: Oh, nothing much. Uh… what are you doing? (Ezekiel takes out a towel and some shampoo.)

Ezekiel: I'm gonna go take another shoower.

DJ: Really? Again?

Ezekiel: You obviously don't understand the concept of showers, DJ. They are not just fer cleaning. They are fer enhancin' your mind and soul, eh. This'll be me third shoower today.

DJ: Have you even thought about your commercial yet? (Ezekiel shrugs.)

Ezekiel: I don't have time for that. My shoowerin' time is in jeopardy! (He races out of the cabin.)

DJ: He finds a new obsession everyday, doesn't he?

**Screaming Ivy Cabin (Females)**

Cody: Oh, boy… heh heh heh… (He is sorting through Lindsay's luggage now, when he comes across a light pink bra. The pervert quickly inspects it.) Hm. Double-D cups. This'll be for those people with really big heads. Man, this is the best idea ever! (He moves over to Izzy's luggage. He quickly finds a bra with what appears to be spikes at the end of each cup.)

Cody: Damn. Now I'm kind of afraid. (But he puts it in his bag, and moves on to Courtney's clothing. Suddenly, he hears footsteps out on the deck.) Oh no. (The geek quickly ducks into the shadows under the bed, and waits. The door opens soon enough, and in comes Beth, holding Big Bertha.)

Beth: C'mon, Big Bertha, can't you be a little more reasonable? (She sees all the clothing lying spread-eagled on the ground.) What… what's been going on in here? (Cody swallows deeply from under the bed, staring at Beth's feet as she roves around the room.)

Beth: It seems like a raccoon's been in here! Funny, it didn't go anywhere near _my _stuff. (Cody chuckles from under the bed. However, Beth hears it.)

Beth: Who's there? Come on out, now! (Suddenly, she lets go of Big Bertha.) C'mon, Big Bertha sniff out whoever's hiding. (Cody starts shaking as the pig heads straight towards the bed under which he is hiding. However, right before Big Bertha reaches him, there is a loud explosion from somewhere outside. Squealing, Big Bertha sprints out of the room in panic.)

Beth: Big Bertha, come back! (She chases the pig out the door. Cody lets out a sigh of relief, and gets out from under the bed.)

Cody: That was just too close. Funny, Beth's the only girl I wasn't going to steal from. But now I kind of think it's a good idea. Ha! There'll be eight different kinds of bra hats! Yeah, that sounds good. (He goes back to his perviness.)

**Bathroom**

Ezekiel: Doo doo dee dee dee… (He is in the shower, wearing a pink shower cap in the place of his toque, humming as he scrubs.)

Ezekiel: Ahh… nothing like a good shoower in the daytime to really wake up the spirits, eh! (Suddenly, he hears a crash by one of the sinks. His eyes narrow.)

Ezekiel (to himself): Intruder. (His eyes narrowing even more, he grabs a bottle of shampoo.) Nobody intrudes upon my shoower time and gets away with it, eh. (He slowly takes a step towards the shower curtain, and pulls it away. He can just see the silhouette of a person in the steam.)

Ezekiel: Get ready for a taste of the Zeke! (He hurls himself out of the shower at the silhouette, but slips on the ground and lands on his back with a thud. The person in the fog steps out, revealing them to be Lindsay. The blonde shrieks.)

Lindsay: Ohmygosh, Edward, what are you doing in here? (Ezekiel gets up, and wraps a towel around himself.)

Ezekiel: Excuse me, miss, but this is definitely the boys' bathroom.

Lindsay: Really? Oh. (She walks out. A moment later, Bridgette walks in.)

Bridgette: Ezekiel! What the heck?

Ezekiel: Excuse me, miss, but this is the boys' bathroom.

Bridgette: No it isn't! Read the sign! (Grabbing him by the shower cap, she shoves him out. Tyler sees this.)

Tyler: Ezekiel! I never knew you were a player.

Ezekiel: A what? Nah, I don't play any sports, eh.

Tyler: No, like a _player _player. A player is someone who tries to get as many ladies as possible. Looks like you're a player. (He beckons to the "ladies" symbol on the bathroom door.)

Ezekiel: Uh… is it good to be a player, eh?

Tyler: In some cases, yes, I think.

Ezekiel: Oh! Then I'm a player, eh! Woo!

**Confession Cam**

**Ezekiel: I'm so happy I'm a player now! All the fine ladies will now be knockin' at me door! I mean, after all, eh, who doesn't want this beautiful body? (He takes off his shirt, and sighs.) Maybe a farmer's tan will turn them on? **

**End of Confessionals**

(Courtney is spritzing herself with her Goth repellent when Gwen stomps over.)

Gwen: Listen, Courtney, I'm sick and tired of your attitude against Goths—(Her nose suddenly twitches.) What is that smell? It smells like… like rainbows, and artificial fruit flavoring. God! (She runs off. Courtney smirks to herself.)

Courtney: My Goth repellent seems to be working. (She turns to Trent, who is filming this.) Did you get that on camera?

Trent: Yep. All of it.

Courtney: Good. Then my commercial's finished. Just wait. The sales will come in almost immediately. Nobody can stand those makeup-wearing freaks.

Trent: Now what about my commercial?

Courtney: You'll have to get someone else to help you. I have too much work to do.

Trent: No you don't! What kind of work do you have to do?

Courtney: I need to go around spraying everything and everyone with this stuff. (She holds up her canister of Goth repellent) Then maybe Gwen will finally leave this godforsaken island. (She suddenly sprays it straight into Trent's face, making him cough.)

Trent: Damn, that stuff's toxic! (He coughs some more, and the saliva that sprays out is a hot pink.)

Courtney: Yes, but it will stop Gwen from bothering you. Isn't that what you want?

Trent: Uh, yeah. I guess.

Courtney: And maybe, if Goth repellent is popular enough, I can make you a Noah repellent!

Trent: Now that, I could use. (Suddenly, something slams into his back, and explodes, sending him skyrocketing up into the air. Smoking, he blasts back down to the ground and slams into it with a camp-shaking boom. He looks around, and sees a redhead just ducking under a bush.)

Trent (his hair on fire): IZZY! (He races towards her. Immediately, the crazy girl is off, yelling to Noah, who is perched up in a tree.)

Izzy: Noah! Did you get that?

Noah (holding up a video camera): All of it. This'll be gold.

Trent: NOAH! (The bookwork looks down to see Trent climbing up the tree towards him, a crazy smile on his face.)

Trent (his face charred): Just you wait, little dorkus! Your face will be pounded into a new shape! How do you like that? You've got nowhere to run!

Noah: I know. But I don't need to run. I can JUMP! (He takes a leap towards the tree across from him. However, he misses by about ten feet, and slams into the ground. Trent starts laughing, but then realizes his hair is still on fire, and starts panicking. This makes him fall out of the tree as well, slamming into the ground facefirst. Chris walks over, his chest smeared with ketchup, and chuckles.)

Chris: Always getting injured, aren't they? (He turns to the camera.) Let's see what other sort of crazy injuries will crop up! After the break! (He starts the sign-off.)

**Can Cody get all the materials he needs for his bra hats? I hope so, for I'll be his top customer. **

**How will Ezekiel prove that he's a player? **

**Is there any way Courtney and Trent can get their revenge? **

**Will my ketchup commercial win an academy award? **

**And will Izzy's weapons be the death of us all? **

**See it all right here on the next psychopathic chapter of**

**Total Drama Returns! **

**NEXT TIME: **The filming continues, and the preparations for the grand premiere begin. Some commercials flop, some top, and some just plain creep the heck out of everyone.


	26. Day 8 Part 2:The Crap Commercial Contest

**Total Drama Returns**

The Cheesebub's Message: Pretty darn close to the magic review number. C'mon, keep reviewing! If you review the way you did last chapter, we WILL reach it. So with that said, if you want to win a choice of many fabulous prizes, including getting your OC automatically into my OC story, designing your own episode, or choosing someone to enter the final 5 (this may be my riskiest move yet), then review! And I think I should thank my most common reviewers, Pandah N. Reaper, NerdyBarista, Nagasha, Darkmist914, and a few others. Oh, and I might as well thank Cottontop, QueenofthePuckabrinas, and ChibiRox. They've been reviewing quite a bit recently, and I'm thankful for that. Also I will TRY to get updates more frequent! I really am trying!

**NerdyBarista—**Seems Big Bertha's quite the popular character. Izzy never fails to amuse me either. Yeah, Cody's dream was pretty much a metaphor of what he experiences daily. As you'll see, Sierra definitely has a problem revealing too much information. Of course Zeke's a pro, but every pro can find new ways to get better at what they do. Major wimpage by Trent? He wouldn't like to hear that. After all, this marshmallow was abnormally large compared to others. Uh… who's Elaine and who's Ally McBeal? You must tell me. Yep, it seems Bridgette is the deciding vote now. First it was DJ, then her. Who knows? Maybe next it'll be Ezekiel. Zeke just might be bald and pruny by the end of the episode. Actually, he was already bald and pruny by the end of Total Drama World Tour, so maybe he doesn't want to relive that again. Are you serious? That image of Trent will give me nightmares for weeks, to say the least. Don't worry. The hilarious advertisement injuries are just getting started.

**Cottontop (all reviews)— **Thanks for going back and reviewing eleven chapters. That's pretty cool. Now, let's see… Wow. Not too fond of Courtney, are we? Could you get HIV by kissing? With Chef, probably so. And who are these betches? Heather and Leshawna? I have a feeling you'll be hating on Courtney a lot. What? Chris would get raped by your OC? Getting feisty, are we? Noah would have to do what-what to Sierra? Hm. I didn't know Trent was Courtney's sex slave. I hope to see Trent get caught too. But the dude's sneaky. You'd love to submit an OC? Sure. It wouldn't be biased. Layin' the hate on Justin now, I see. I too am very annoyed by his gigantic chin. Noah is just able to spout off awesome quotes like that. Let's hope you're not as evil as Chris.

**Pandah N. Reaper—**Hey, _I _think Chris has luscious eyebrows. Just kidding. Don't worry, I'm not gay. Not like there's anything wrong with that. Gay rights are fine! Sheesh, I don't want to discuss these topics. Alejandro's just very feminine, not gay. Feminine is _different _than gay. I'm sure the latino would be offended. Just kidding again. Yeah, it's alright for girls to watch those videos, but guys, uh… not so much. Sierra gets even creepier in this chapter, let me warn you. You HAVEN'T heard of Hayao Miyazaki? Harold would be ashamed. Yes, to have a roll of toilet paper shoved over it, you must have puny head. Luckily, unlike Tyler, most of us DON'T live with a woman who would do that. At least, I think… Yeah, I was actually eating Frosted Flakes when I wrote that. But you want a Cody doll? You might be the only buyer. Nizzy will happen someday, but in the near future, maybe not so much. Also, thank you for saying that chapter was one of your faves. That means a lot, actually.

**QueenofthePuckabrinas— **You didn't seem to post anything twice, it seems. You think the scene's engraved in _your _mind? Even moreso in mine; I'm the one who wrote it. Your name is Sierra? Or Cierra? Hopefully you don't stalk and be creepy like she does. Seems like Cody's bra hats would be a popular thing to buy in real life.

**writes4u— **Oh, Cody's gonna be praying for a lot more than just winning when they find out. He'll be praying that he survives to see tomorrow.

**Nagasha— **You're about to see how one would advertise bra hats. Actually, it's at the end of the chapter. But, let's just say, he actually convinces one person to buy them.

**ChibiRox— **It's cool that you're Australian. Do you have an Australian accent? And I will try to keep updating, but man, sometimes it gets hard, with this many characters. At least it's down to 17, when before it was 24.

**NOAHFANGIRL12—**Harold's Nintendo DS doesn't seem to be too popular. And you still want to see Gwent? Wow, you must be determined. Because so far, it looks like there's almost no chance of that happening. But who knows?

**Jacky Dupree—**The Ketchup commercial is the most disgusting thing? How about the next scene you're about to read, taking place in Chris's trailer? It's pretty close. Good to know _somebody _likes Katie. You have to admit, she's better than what she was before, which was a screechy, annoying girl that had no contribution to the story. Yep, that's the reason I made Trent the antagonist. He needed character. I also wish Izzy could've operated on Trent.

**Day 8 Part 2—Chapter 26: The Crap Commercial Contest**

**Chris's Trailer**

(Chef is wearing earmuffs and trying to read a book, but keeps on hearing moans coming from the bathroom.)

Chef: Shut the f*** up in there!

Chris (talking to some girl): Oh… yeah… you like ketchup, baby? Wanna try it with mustard? Maybe if you're lucky, Chef, I'll let you do it, too. (Chef groans.)

Chef: Maybe some TV will help distract me. (He sits down on the couch and turns on the TV. The chef screams in horror when he sees Chris naked on the screen with a thick layer of ketchup smeared across his chest. A woman is licking it off, as usual.)

Chef: Chris! Why are you filling our on demand with videos of this crap? (He scans the video more closely.) Hmm… if she's licking ketchup off his chest, why is her face covered in mayo? (Suddenly, his eyes burst open.) Oh god. Chris! You dirty, horrible man!

**Forest**

Alejandro (sitting under a tree, tapping a pencil to his forehead): C'mon, Alejandro, think. You need to come up with a catchphrase for your sports drink that Chris will remember! (He looks over his list.) Let's see what I've written. "Alejandroade, a wonderful drink that is very tasty". Nah, that's lame. "Alejandroade: Brewed with Love". Now that sounds gay. Hmm… "Alejandroade… gets you… laid?" (He slaps his forehead.) It's not Viagra you're selling, Alejandro! That sounds like you're trying to help old men with erectile dysfunction! (He looks at the next catchphrase on the list.) "Alejandroade is an Ace of Spades". Now what does that even mean? Damn it, these are the worst catchphrases in the history of advertising! (Suddenly, Ezekiel sticks his head out of a tree hollow, right next to Alejandro's face.)

Ezekiel: I think some of the catchphrases are pretty good, eh. (Alejandro screams and jumps up.)

Alejandro: Gah! Don't scare me like that!

Ezekiel: Soory. (He forces his body out of the tree hollow, and, to Alejandro's horror, the homeschool isn't wearing pants.)

Alejandro (flinching): Might you want to wear, some, uh… garments on your lower half?

Ezekiel: No way! This is the key to attracting them ladies, eh!

Alejandro: Well, in my experience, ladies prefer for a man to be wearing pants most of the time. Later, however, well _that's _a different story. (He winks at Ezekiel)

Ezekiel: Really? I see, I see. Yer a ladies' man, right? Couldn't you tell me aboot hoow you get the females?

Alejandro: I am not a ladies' man anymore. (He sighs.) My heart is only for Heather now.

Ezekiel: You mean the one who sent you flying down the volcano on an icecube after she kneed you in the groin?

Alejandro: No need to remind me of it. Either way, I no longer am one to manipulate women. However, it's good to see someone is carrying on the tradition. So I'll tell you a few things that might help. The most important tool you have is similes.

Ezekiel: Cinnamon? I like cinnamon, eh.

Alejandro: No. _Similes_. Compare the girl to something beautiful. Here's an example. "Ezekiel is as graceful as a lioness."

Ezekiel (blushing): Oh, kind sir, why thank you.

Alejandro: See? Works every time. Next, you always want to give them a seductive stare.

Ezekiel: I know this, eh! (He squints his eyes at Alejandro and grits his teeth.)

Alejandro: No, that just makes you look constipated. You'll master it in time. Now, here's the final thing you must do. Show your feminine side. The women can't get enough of it.

Ezekiel: You want me to turn into a female? Should I go get surgery?

Alejandro: No! Just… be sensitive. Now please, I have a lot of work to do.

Ezekiel: Aright. But I'm warnin' ya… there's a new player in town! And it's the Zeke! (He sprints off, grinning confidently.)

**Confession Cam**

**Alejandro: It's cute, really, what Ezekiel's trying to do. And a little pathetic. I'm afraid no matter what he does, the ladies will still see him as a freak. But hey, maybe now he'll finally start wearing some pants. **

**Ezekiel: That Alejandro gave me some really good advice, eh. Noo I can finally start usin' me charmin' poowers on the women. (He turns to the toilet and gives it a seductive stare.) You know, you're as elegant as a swan. (Right after he says this, a blast of toilet water slams into his face.) **

**End of Confessionals**

Tyler: Lindsay, you got the camera running, right? The lens cap is off?

Lindsay: Yeah, of course! Duh! (The blonde doesn't realize that the camera is still off and the lens cap is still on. However, Tyler doesn't notice either.)

Tyler: Alright! Here we go! (He whips out a basketball, and starts dribbling it.) Do you want only the best in your sports equipment? Well Tyler can supply it! (He beckons to the basketball.) Basketballs! (He dribbles it a few times, and then aims at the garbage can a few feet away. He completely air-balls it. Tyler looks at the screen and chuckles nervously.)

Tyler: Er... no matter. (He takes out a baseball.) Baseballs! And the pitch! (He flings it in no direction, and it slams into Chris's trailer, leaving a dent.) Um… he won't notice. Oh! I almost forgot! Soccer balls! (He takes out a soccer ball, and kicks it as hard as he can. It moves about an inch.) Uhh… that's my weak foot. Heh-heh. Oh yeah! Footballs! (He whips out a football, and flings it. The ball slams into Courtney, who is spraying things with Goth repellent.)

Courtney: Ow!

Tyler: Oops. Sorry.

Courtney: You're about to be sorry! (She grabs the football and hurls it back at him. It rockets into his gut, propelling him backwards until he slams into a tree.)

Tyler: Oww… (He turns to Lindsay.) Well, at least we have the footage.

Lindsay: OMG, I just realized! The lens cap is still on! (Tyler slaps his hand to his forehead. Just a few yards away, Courtney has brushed herself off, and is back to spraying everything with Goth repellent.)

Courtney (grinning crazily, gritting her teeth together): Just you wait, Gwenny, just you wait… There's nowhere you'll be able to run to soon, Goth girl… (This is true, as Gwen now is curled up in a ball in the Killer Redwood Girls' Cabin, muttering to herself.)

Gwen: Courtney's already got the entire Screaming Ivy Cabin sprayed, but I don't think she's gotten here yet. (She sniffs the air.) Dammit! Some of the smell is starting to waft in! (Suddenly, she hears someone walking up the steps to the cabin. She quickly hides in the space between the bed and the wall, peeking out. Cody slides in, carrying a huge bag on his shoulders.)

Gwen (to herself): What is _he _doing in here? (Cody looks at all the luggage lying on the floor and his eyes gleam.)

Cody: Let's see what gems we can find in here. (Rubbing his hands together, he goes over to Katie's clothing, and sorts through it. In a few seconds, he finds a bra. Gwen gasps when she sees him take it and strap it to his head. Cody scrunches up his face.)

Cody: What's the size of this thing, Lowercase a? Eh, it'll have to do. (Gwen watches in horror as he gets two more bras, one from Bridgette, one from Sierra.)

Gwen (to herself): Is he mentally disturbed?

Cody: Who's there? (He slices his hand through the air in a karate pose.) Hm. Must've just been the wind, rushing through the cups of all these gorgeous, gorgeous bras. (He licks his lips, and skips out of the cabin. Gwen then leaves her hiding place.)

Gwen: Freak. Well, at least I can stay in here, where I'm safe from the Goth repellent. (Suddenly, she notices a butterfly net leaning against the wall. She examines it, and sees that it says "Sierra's Cody-hunting Net". She looks around.) Actually, I think I better get out of here.

**Confession Cam**

**Gwen: That Sierra is a psychopath. Like seriously? Where'd she even get the butterfly net? Is Chef some, like, illegal butterfly net dealer? **

**Chef: She's onto me. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Infirmary**

(Trent slowly opens his eyes, groaning as he does so. Noah is standing over him, smiling.)

Noah: How are you feeling, Trent? (Trent starts to remember what happened. His face washes over with anger.)

Trent: Like today's the day I destroy you.

Noah: Good to know you're feeling well.

Trent: You and your stupid crazy friend shot me with a rocket launcher!

Noah: Hey, you have your memory back. That's a good sign. (He turns to Izzy, who is holding a video camera.) I think he can be the star of my life insurance commercial. (He turns back to Trent.) Try to make it look like you're in pain.

Trent: No way! I'm not doing anything you say!

Izzy: Don't worry, Noah. I know how to make it look like he's in pain! (She runs over, and unplugs Trent's IV. Trent immediately starts gasping for air and convulsing.)

Noah: Plug that back in! PLUG THAT BACK IN!

Izzy: Aw, you're never any fun. (She plugs the IV back in. Trent slowly stops convulsing, and transitions back to normal.)

Trent (breathing heavily): When I get out of here, I'll… AUGGHH! (He lunges at Noah, unplugging his IV again. He falls to the floor, convulsing. Izzy turns to Noah.)

Izzy: Hey, I didn't do it that time.

**Beach**

Bridgette: Okay, Geoff, are you ready to film? I see a big wave coming. (She is out in the water, sitting on her surfboard.)

Geoff: I'm ready when you are, babe! And might I add, you look exceptional in a wetsuit. (Bridgette rolls her eyes.)

Bridgette: Geoff, you say that every time I wear a wetsuit. It's kind of gotten old.

Geoff: Hey, I just like stating the truth. So, should I start filming? (Bridgette nods.) Alright. 3…2…1… and… action! (Bridgette gets up on her surfboard.)

Bridgette: Some surfboards just don't cut it when you want to get speed, stability, and smoothness! But Bridgette surfboards have all three! (As she talks about her surfboards, Geoff starts taking steps towards her.)

Geoff (with the camera zoomed in on her skin-tight wetsuit): I have got to get a better view of that. (He continues to walk towards her, when suddenly, the sand bar drops off, and his head goes under the water. A few seconds pass, and then he come back up to the surface, coughing and splashing.)

Bridgette: Geoff! What the frick are you doing?

Geoff: Help, babe! I'm drowning! (He splashes around, babbling like a baby. Bridgette curses to herself, and jumps into the water. She swims over, grabs Geoff under the arms, and drags him out onto the beach.)

Bridgette (staring down at him): Geoff! Why'd you do that? I said not to go in the water!

Geoff: Ohh… dying… I need… CPR… (Bridgette slaps him.) Or… that works too.

Bridgette: So tell me Geoff, why'd you do that?

Geoff: I don't know why I did it. I just wanted to get a better view!

Bridgette (narrowing her eyes): Of what?

Geoff: Of… uh… your gorgeous smiling face!

Bridgette: Sure. I guess we'll have to film it again. Luckily the camera is waterproof.

Geoff: No way! I'm not drowning again!

Bridgette: C'mon. Just don't go in the water.

Geoff: No way! I'm not filming your commercial!

Bridgette: Well, then who's gonna film _your_ commercial?

Geoff: You are, silly!

Bridgette: And how exactly is that equal?

Geoff: Hey, I never was good at math. (Meanwhile, Harold is setting up his video camera, when he turns to Katie, who he is still sitting with, even though she's been trying to avoid him for the past hour. Because of this, she has become very irritable.)

Harold: Fine lady, I must request your services. Would you be so kind to hold the camera while I do my commercial?

Katie: Why don't you take your finger and shove it so far up your nose that you die?

Harold: Impossible. I've tested it many times. Now, I order you to hold the camera. (Katie glares at him.)

Katie: What do you think I am, your servant? I've got my own commercial to attend to. (Harold takes out his Nintendo DS, and waves it above his head.)

Harold: Behold! The powers of the Nintendo DS!

Katie: Get bent, Harold.

Harold: You are quite feisty, my darling. I like feisty.

Katie: Harold, leave before I shove your Nintendo DS deep somewhere you don't want it to be.

Harold: Fine. (He lowers his voice.) But I'll be back. (He chuckles) How'd you like my Count Duku impression? Pretty good, right—

Katie: Leave. Now.

Harold: Fine. Sheesh. (He walks away, a finger placed firmly up his nose.)

**Confession Cam**

**Katie: I know that was kind of mean, but after a while, Harold's just too much to take! He just sits there, spouting off random information about amoebas and… (She shudders)… Dungeons and Dragons. Uggh. (She shudders again.) **

**Harold (talking to the camera): Would you like me to tell you how to successfully summon an ork? You don't? Why not? **

**End of Confessionals**

**Forest**

DJ: Heeeere, little animal. Come here! Do you want a tasty DJ treat? (He looks around.) There's nobody here, DJ. Not a single animal. (Suddenly, a small, fluffy squirrel comes out of the bushes.)

DJ: Why, hello there, little squirrel. Do you mind if you're in my commercial? (Right after he says this, the squirrel latches onto his face, and starts tearing it to shreds.)

**Confession Cam**

**DJ (covered in bite and scratch marks): I used to be so good with animals! What happened? Now it seems like I can't go anywhere without an animal attacking me! Ow! (He gets up from the toilet seat to find a piranha latched to his butt.)**

**End of Confessionals**

(Meanwhile, in another part of the forest, Beth is applying makeup to Big Bertha's face.)

Beth: Wow, Big Bertha, you look really good with eyeliner! Now, how about some lipstick? (She starts to apply it, and Big Bertha squeals.) Why don't you like lipstick? You never know if there's a handsome male pig who wants to kiss you. But the only male pig I know is Alejandro. Eh, it's the only lady he'll ever get.

Alejandro (from all the way back at camp): I heard that! (He turns to Cody, and gives him a video camera.) Cody, all you have to do is film me talking. Got it?

Cody: Alejandro, Alejandro, Alejandro… you can totally trust me.

Alejandro: Good. Okay, start up the camera. (Cody does so, and, as Alejandro talks, Cody looks around. He sees Gwen standing not to far off.)

Cody: Why hello, beautiful. (He turns the camera to her, and zooms in on her butt.)

**Confession Cam**

**Cody: Alejandro'll thank me later. This is the kind of commercial Chris wants.**

**End of Confessionals**

Ezekiel: Hmm… Which lady wants a taste of the Zeke? (He looks around, and sees the back of a tall blonde.) Perfect. (He walks up to her.) You are as perfect as a peach. (The blonde turns around, revealing them to be Geoff.)

Geoff: Uhh, thanks, dude. (Ezekiel shrieks in horror and runs away.) Hm. I wonder what that was about.

Bridgette (setting up the camera): What's your plan for the commercial, Geoff?

Geoff: You fire me out of a cannon and into a huge box of Geoff flakes. Then there's a huge explosion, and the Geoff flakes fall down to spell out the words "Geoff flakes are good for you." Then I fly downwards with fire rocketing around in the background, and do an Irish jig. (He smiles at Bridgette, but the surfer girl stares back at him in disbelief.)

Bridgette: Don't you think that's kind of complicated?

Geoff: How's it complicated? All we need is a cannon, a giant box of Geoff flakes, and a few flamethrowers!

Bridgette: How the heck are we going to make the Geoff flakes fall down to spell out those exact words?

Geoff: Magic. That's the magic of Geoff flakes. They're magically delicious.

Bridgette (rolling her eyes): That's the catchphrase for "Lucky Charms", Geoff.

Geoff: So? (Bridgette stares at him, and then sighs.)

Bridgette: Geoff, sometimes you act like a child trapped in a 17-year-old's body.

Geoff: Thank you.

Bridgette: It's not a compliment.

Geoff: I knew that.

_**One hour later…**_

Chris: Okay campers, you better have your commercials ready! Cause time's up! Oh, by the way… _This show is sponsored by Classy Joe's Adult Toys Store, the only place to get the best flavored condoms_.

Noah: Uhh… what?

Chris: Sorry. You see, I figured out a way I could get this show's budget up. You always see during programs how it says "Sponsored by Blah Blah Blah"? Well, I figured plenty of companies would pay to have their product or store advertised on Total Drama Returns!

Beth: Then why are you advertising a place that sells flavored condoms? This is a kids' TV show!

Ezekiel: Classy Joe's? I been there once. So overrated, eh.

Chris: Yes, but Classy Joe pays good money. It's fine. Besides, the kids won't even know what flavored condoms are.

Gwen: Then they'll ask their parents.

Chris: Well, it's good for a child to be educated. I knew what a flavored condom was when I was a child.

Katie: Well, you had a demented childhood, Chris.

Geoff: How come we never hear about your childhood, dude?

Sierra: I know all about him as a child! When he was seven, he—

Chris (clamping a hand over Sierra's mouth): That's quite enough, Sierra. Now, as you know, tonight's the grand premiere of your commercials. It'll be taking place in the amphitheater at 7 o'clock, sharp. Oh, and one more thing: wear something formal. Ezekiel, for you, that just means wear some pants.

Ezekiel (saluting Chris): Yessir!

Chris: Now, off you go, children. Slip into your tuxes, your dresses, whatever.

Courtney: What about Trent?

Chris: Aw, poor dude. I guess he'll have to miss the big premiere.

Courtney: But that's so unfair!

Chris: Hey, maybe you can keep him company.

Courtney: Eh, he'll be fine on his own.

**Screaming Ivy Cabin (Males)**

Alejandro: I've been waiting for a moment like this! (He takes out a big, fluffy red tux.) This tux was passed down from my grandpa's grandpa's grandpa's grandpa, to my grandpa's grandpa's grandpa's dad, to my—

Noah: Geezus! We get it! You don't need to recite your whole family tree!

Alejandro: But amigo, this tux represents the Burromuerto family! I must give it the publicity it deserves!

Noah: Dude, that thing looks like a rag towel drenched in blood.

Alejandro: How could you say something like that? (He turns away from Noah) I thought I knew you.

Noah: Well, I sure as hell don't know you. I'm just gonna wear my trusty sweater vest. What about you, Cody? (He turns to the geek, who is crouching over something.) Cody? (He taps Cody on the shoulder, making the pervert shriek and quickly stuff whatever he's looking at into a large duffel bag. Cody turns around and chuckles.)

Cody: Yes?

Noah: Okay, what's in the bag?

Cody: Uh, nothing! Just my, uh… my, uh… my floss kit!

Noah: You need a whole bag for that?

Cody: Um… it's really hard to get between my two front teeth.

Noah: Your front teeth are, like, a mile apart. (He turns to Alejandro.) Al, check his bag.

Cody: NO!

Noah: We have to make sure you aren't keeping a machete or something in there. We don't want you killing us all in our sleep.

Cody: C'mon, Al, don't look in my bag!

Alejandro: I am usually not one to pry, but I feel I have to. (He shoves Cody out of the way, and reaches into the bag. He pulls out a bra. Alejandro stares at for a second.) Cody, you wear a bra?

Cody: It's not mine! It's… Lindsay's.

Noah: Hm. Tyler will not be happy to hear this.

Cody: Are you serious? He'll be the first one to buy it!

Noah: _Buy _it?

Cody: Yeah. That's my product! Bra hats!

Alejandro: Bra hats? Cody, I do not approve! It is objectifying women as only sex objects!

Cody: Try one. They feel great on your scalp. Like satin! Noah, I think you'd probably need a Lindsay, too. Your head's pretty big.

Noah: Did you even stop to think about how the girls would react when they see this? (He thinks for a second.) Let me try it on. (Cody hands it to him, and Noah puts it on his head.) Wow! It molds to perfectly fit my skull! This is genius!

Alejandro: Noah! How could you?

Noah: Hey, I know something's genius when I see it. And Cody may be a perverted genius, but a genius nonetheless. (He shakes Cody's hand.) Truly innovative, my friend. You will find yourself a success in the business world, I can promise you. (Alejandro groans, and steps into his tux.)

**Screaming Ivy Cabin (Females)**

Courtney: Ahh… is it just me, or does this cabin have a much better atmosphere? (She has filled the air in the cabin with Goth repellent.)

Gwen (from outside): Real funny, Courtney. Just you wait. I'll get you someday.

Lindsay: Aw, Georgia, but is smells so nice!

Courtney: Don't try to bargain with her. She doesn't understand what smells good and what doesn't.

Beth: Okay, where'd one of my bras go? I had five, and now I only have four!

Courtney: WHAT? (She runs over and sorts through her clothing.) I'm missing a bra, too!

Lindsay: If I had nine before, and now I have eight, does that mean I'm missing a bra?

Courtney: Yes, Lindsay, it does! Who would do something like this?

Izzy: Morgan Freeman! He tends play tricks on me.

Courtney: Get serious, Izzy.

Izzy: I am serious!

Gwen (from outside the cabin): Guys, I know who-

Courtney: Shut up, Gwen. It's not like you know who stole our bras, or something.

Lindsay: What are we going to do? This is horrible! Is it horrible? I'm confused.

Izzy: Don't sorry. My bras have built-in bombs strapped to them. I have the detonator right here. (She holds up a remote control with a big red button on it.)

Courtney: Well, don't press it! You could end up killing somebody!

Izzy: Sounds like a good idea to me.

Courtney: Nah, we'll figure out the culprit soon enough. My guess is it's one of the C's.

Beth: The C's?

Courtney: Cody or Chris.

Izzy: Or Courtney!

Courtney: Why would I steal my own bra?

Izzy: How should I know a criminal's motives? Sheesh!

**Confession Cam**

**Courtney: I can't wait to find out who stole our bras. Let's just say, they'll be happy to get off with serious injuries. **

**Beth: I wonder if this has to do with that time I saw Cody leaving our cabin with a big, bulging duffel bag and a nervous expression on his face… nah, probably not. **

**Izzy: I still think Morgan Freeman did it. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Killer Redwood Cabin (Females)**

Bridgette (as she gets into a dress): This thing barely fits.

Ezekiel: C'mon, you look fine.

Bridgette: Thanks, Ezekiel—(She does a double take) EZEKIEL?

Ezekiel: Hello there. Your face is as creamy as a creamy cream.

Bridgette: How the heck did you get in here? GET OUT!

Ezekiel: Why, my beautiful?

Bridgette: Because I'm changing! NOW GET OUT!

Sierra: I've got the slimeball! (She grabs him, and hurls him out the window. Ezekiel lands on the ground outside with a thud.)

Ezekiel (yelling to them from outside): You may not want me noo, eh! But by the end of the day, the girls won't be able to get enough of the Zeke!

**Confession Cam**

**Bridgette: Okay, I had the door closed, the windows closed… how did Ezekiel get in here? I am legitimately scared for my life right now. **

**End of Confessionals**

_**A few minutes later…**_

**Killer Redwood Cabin (Males)**

Geoff: Really, Ezekiel? You were thrown out of the cabin? Dude, you gotta give the girls more of that "pizzazz"!

Ezekiel: More pizzazz? Hmm...

DJ: Geoff, you do realize he was just hittin' on your girl, right?

Geoff: When it comes to a fellow player, I want only success for him. Speaking of which, DJ, how'd your commercial go?

DJ: Not good, man. Who knew squirrels could be so vicious?

Harold: Ah, squirrels. Did you know that squirrels are divided into five subfamilies, with about 50 genera and nearly 280 species? Squirrels are generally small animals, ranging in size from the African pygmy squirrel, at 7–10 cm (2.8–3.9 in) in length, and just 10 g (0.35 oz) in weight, to the Alpine marmot, which is 53–73 cm (21–29 in) long, and weighs from 5 to 8 kg (11 to 18 lb). Squirrels typically have slender bodies with bushy tails and large eyes. Their fur is generally soft and silky, although much thicker in some species than others. The color of squirrels is highly variable between—and often even within—species.

Tyler: Dude, are you okay?

Harold: I'm fine. I just thought DJ might want to know.

DJ: That's, uh… that's really interesting, Harold. I'll think about it the next time I'm being mauled by a rabid squirrel.

Tyler: No offense, DJ, but I have a feeling my commercial will totally beat your commercial in the commercial contest!

Ezekiel: What's all this talk about commercials?

Geoff: You were supposed to film one, dude.

Ezekiel: I was?

Geoff: Yeah, you were.

Ezekiel: Uh-oh. I think I better go film a commercial, eh.

_**One hour later…**_

**Amphitheater**

Chris: Welcome, teams. Tonight is the grand premiere of the—EZEKIEL, WHAT ARE YOU WEARING? (Everyone turns to see Ezekiel, wearing a beautiful emerald green dress.)

Lindsay: OMG, that's such a beautiful dress! I want it!

Ezekiel: It's designer. Can't find it in anywhere but France.

Chef: Wow. Really compliments your eyes.

Chris: Am I the only one who finds it messed up that this man is wearing a woman's outfit?

Ezekiel: Chris, you said we could wear a dress. So I chose to wear one.

**Confession Cam**

**Ezekiel: Alejandro told me to show my feminine side to attract the ladies, eh. (He beckons to the dress.) Can't get much more feminine than that, right?**

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: Well, drag queens aside, we must get started with the glorious night ahead of us. But first, it's time for the Uncle Frank's Hotdogs Trivia Question of the Day!

Noah: Uh… what?

Tyler: Dude, the only time they have sponsored trivia questions is during a baseball game!

Chris: Well, we need more money!

Chef: What, so you can buy more prostitutes? (Chris gasps and turns to Chef.)

Chris: Chef! I can't believe you, of all people, would say something like that!

Chef: You're the one who's been makin' my TV watchin' ten times worse when the only thing on every channel is a video of you and a girl with a condiment fetish going at it!

Chris: You don't _have _to watch TV, Chef. Now, let's see what today's trivia question is. (He reads it.) Is Chris hotter when he's brushing his teeth, or blow-drying his hair?

Sierra: Blow-drying his hair. You really get to see the luscious volume of his mane. No wait! Brushing his teeth! Especially when he spits into the sink. That's really sexy.

Chris: Sierra, I knew you would get the correct answer. Both!

Katie: Why are we here, Chris? It seems you're just wasting our time.

Chris: Fine. We'll start up the competition. But first… who wants to see our guest judge? (The curtain rolls away, revealing it to be Justin.)

Courtney: What's _he _doing here?

Chris: We needed a third judge. And I don't think he was having much fun at the Playa de Losers, where Owen was stalking him day in and day out.

Justin: Plus, I've had extensive modeling contracts to advertise all sorts of products. From candy bars, to washing machines, to flavored condoms… you need my expertise in the advertising business to help with the judging process!

Chef: And you're pretty damn sexy. (Everybody looks at him.) Er, I mean, let's start judging!

**Confession Cam**

**Justin: Yeah, I'm back to be a judge for tonight. This show needed the good looks, anyway. Have you seen Alejandro's nose? Soooo pear-shaped. **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: Alright. Our first commercial is for the Killer Redwoods. It's DJ in… uh, DJ? Do you have a name for your commercial?

DJ: Just call it, "Painful Bites to the Crotch".

Chris: This should be interesting. (He turns on the large flatscreen TV. It shows DJ with a squirrel, petting it.)

_DJ (covered in bite and scratch marks): Hello there, little squirrel. You look pretty agitated. How about some of DJ's special animal food? It'll help calm you. (He pours it in a bowl.) Now, how about a taste? (The squirrel attacks him again, mauling him like crazy, until the video shuts off.)_

DJ: Ohh… painful memories…

Chris: Hmm… judges, what do we say?

Chef: I liked the part where DJ was mauled by a squirrel.

Justin: That was the whole video! You can't possibly be thinking of passing this guy, can you?

Chef: Listen, skinny ass! Chris and I make the choice! You barely have any say! Chris, what say you?

Chris: He's passing, alright. That is what I call "Classic Humor".

Gwen: Chris, who would even buy a product that makes an animal go crazy?

Chris: Many people. I don't know! I just like it when DJ gets hurt by animals!

Tyler: Me too. That was hilarious, man!

DJ (sarcastically): Wow. You're all so kind.

Chris: Now, can this next commercial live up to the high standard DJ has set? Let's see. For the Screaming Ivy, it's Izzy, in "Blowing Up Trent's Ass With Homemade Weapons". I like it already.

Izzy (bouncing in her seat): Play it! Play it! (Chris presses "play")

_(In shaky camera footage, the view is trained on Trent, who is standing in a clearing. Izzy walks up to behind the bushes and points a rocket-launcher right at his back. Noah's chuckles can be heard from behind the camera. Izzy launches the rocket, and it slams into Trent, sending him spiraling up into the air, screaming like a little girl.)_

Courtney: I can't believer you guys did that to Trent!

Izzy: Shhh! It's not over!

_(Trent hits the ground with a thud, and suddenly starts charging towards Izzy. As Izzy runs away, she looks at Noah, excitement in her eyes.)_

_Izzy: Noah! Did you get that?_

_Noah: All of it. This'll be gold._

_Trent: NOAH! (The camera moves down to show Trent climbing up the tree towards Noah, his face charred, a crazy smile on his face. The video then shuts off.)_

Chris: Umm… the ending is probably gonna give me nightmares, but the rest was frickin' awesome!

Chef: Izzy, how many of those weapons do you have?

Izzy: A lot! I have this grenade, and if you want, I can pull the plug right now, and this whole island will explode! (She seems extremely hyper.)

Chef: No no, it's fine… but I'd like to buy some weapons. I've been needin' some of them.

Izzy: One hundred thousand dollars!

Chef: One hundred thousand dollars? Girl, that's completely absurd—

Izzy: Take it or leave it!

Chef: Dammit, you drive a hard bargain.

Justin: Well, I thought that commercial was cruel. Trent's face may never be the same again! Oh, how horrible it would be for my gorgeous face to become disfigured—

Chris: Izzy passes!

Justin: What? Am I the only reasonable one here?

Beth: Says the guy who pretended to have an injury for an entire challenge.

Justin: I've learned since then. And I believe someone should not be rewarded for injuring a teammate!

Chris: Yeah they should. When it's Trent, they should!

Gwen: Now _that's _common sense.

Chris: Alright, the score is now 1-1. Both of the teams' first commercials have passed. Now, for the Killer Redwoods, it's Bridgette in… "Bridgette's Surfboards".

_Bridgette (standing on a surfboard): Some surfboards just don't cut it when you want to get speed, stability, and smoothness! But Bridgette surfboards have all three! (The camera zooms in on her wetsuit.)_

_Geoff (under his breath): I have got to get a better view of that. _(Meanwhile, Bridgette, who is watching this, turns to Geoff.)

Bridgette: Geoff! You used the old version!

Geoff (who has a nosebleed): I like the old version better.

_(The camera continues to the move out into the water, until it goes underneath, and then comes back up. Geoff's screams can be heard as he drowns, and then the video ends.) _

Chris (with blood dripping out of his nose): Excellent.

Chef (with blood dripping out of his nose): Excellent.

Cody (with blood dripping out of his nose): Excellent.

Chris: Well, that's three votes for "Pass".

Justin: Chris, Cody isn't even a judge!

Chris: He's a heck of a better judge than you are. (He shoves Justin backstage.) Cody, come on up. You're our new third judge.

Cody: Sweet!

Sierra: Eeeeeee! Yay for Cody!

Katie: That's completely biased, Chris. He'll just let his entire team pass.

Cody: No I won't!

Courtney: You won't? Yes, you will! You can't let an opportunity like this pass you up!

Cody: I will be just as fair a judge as Justin will ever be.

Chris: *sigh*… I was gonna let the dude back into the game if he was able to succeed as a judge, but I guess not.

Beth: Thank god. Justin was a horrible teammate.

Chris: And speaking of horrible teammates, here's another video starring Trent! It's Noah's Life Insurance Ad!

_(Noah is standing in front of Trent's bed in the infirmary, a solemn expression on his face. Soft, touching piano acoustic plays in the background.)_

_Noah: Sometimes, life can really take a lot out of you. It can really batter you with its cold, unrelenting fists. Take Trent, here, for example, who choked on a marshmallow. _

_Trent (an angry expression on his face): It was a marshmallow much bigger than it should've been! Half an inch bigger, to be exact! Now tell them about what Izzy did to me!_

_Noah: But Noah's Life Insurance is there for you. We'll always be there whenever something horrible happens. Whenever you're in need of help, we can give you what you need. That's our promise. (Right before the video ends, Trent flips the camera off.)_

Noah: Izzy, I thought I told you to edit out that part!

Izzy: Nah, I thought it was better with that part in.

Chris: Hmm… it lacked any real "pizzazz".

Noah: Why, because it didn't involve mauling, explosions, or perverted images?

Chris: Exactly. So it's a "fail" for me.

Chef: Too boring. Fail.

Cody (his nose still bleeding from the previous video): I dunno.

Chris: Well, two out of three is enough, so it seems Noah's video has failed. (Noah nods sadly.) The score is now 2-1, with the Killer Redwoods in the lead. Can they widen this lead with the next commercial? Harold, you're up. (Harold gets up on the stage and clears his throat.)

Harold: The following video was filmed with an A-34 digital camera, with Plustex monitoring equipment and Sony Retro 3000—(Chris comes up and shoves him off the stage. Harold lands on the ground with a painful crunch.)

Chris: Let's just see what the dork can bring. (He plays Harolds' commercial.)

_Harold: Nintendo DS… Nintendo DS… __(In black and white, the camera starts to zoom in on his gaming console, as he continues to murmur in the background.) Nintendo DS… Nintendo DS… (The camera then starts to zoom back out, and his murmurs become quieter and quieter, until the Nintendo DS fades away and the screen turns black.)_

Chris: Okay, now I'm actually going to have nightmares. What the f*** was that?

Harold: It was a creative vision! A masterpiece! A beautiful work of cinematography!

Chris: What does that even say about your product? Nothing! It just makes it look like some kind of lustful object of the imagination! I'm not even going to ask the opinion of the other judges. You fail, and that's that.

**Confession Cam**

**Harold: I can't believe it. Chris didn't understand the metaphor to the troubles of modern-day society that the commercial represented! Must he be so oblivious? **

**End of Confessionals**

Harold: But I am the Miyazaki! I am the visionary!

Chris: Sorry, but that was just plain creepy. Maybe this next advertisement won't be quite as creepy. Oh wait, it's Alejandro, so it will be. He calls it "Alejandroade".

_Alejandro: Alejandroade contains twelve vitamins and minerals, plus your daily dose of… (As he continues to monologue about the nutrition of the sports drink, the camera shifts to the right and zooms in on Gwen's butt.)_

_Cody (from behind the camera): That's more like it. _(Meanwhile, Alejandro looks to Cody and glares.)

Alejandro: Cody! Are you serious? (He puts his head in his hands.) I'm so ashamed.

Chris (stilling watching the commercial): Are you serious? This is great! Now this… this is vision.

Gwen (glaring at Cody): You frickin' pervert! (She tries to climb up onto the stage.) I'll screw you! (However, Courtney holds her down.)

Courtney: C'mon, Gwen, let's not be unreasonable. (Gwen snarls one more time at Cody, and sits back down in her seat. By this time, the video has ended.)

Chris: Good work, Alejandro. Your perverted vision has done you well.

Alejandro: But it wasn't my… I wasn't…

Chris: Don't be ashamed. Everyone can be a pervert.

**Confession Cam**

**Alejandro: This can't be happening. Alejandro Burromuerto has never been one they would call a pervert! I have always respected the ladies' wishes! In fact the only boobs I ever stare at are Heather's! She's not watching this… is she? **

**Sierra: What does Cody see in Gwen? I have a much better butt than she does! **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: So, with a pass for Alejandro, the score becomes 2-2. What's next? It's Sierra, in "Cody Doll"! And she says "This one's dedicated to Cody, my very sexy boyfriend who's really sexy and is possibly the sexiest sex-monster who was ever sexy."

Cody: Um… okay.

Chris: Cody, you may do the honors. (He beckons to the remote, and Cody hits "Play".)

_Sierra: Cody dolls… they're so much more than dolls… they're the greatest toy ever invented! There are ten kinds, too. (She beckons to a row of Cody dolls.) Normal Cody, Rocker Cody, Baby Cody, Baseball Cody, Lawyer Cody, Karate Cody, Tiger Cody, Cupid Cody, Devil Cody, and Naked Cody! And they're good for so many things! Hang them from your purse! Decorate a room with Codies! Use them as chew toys! They're all different flavors, from Strawberry, to Lime, to Coconut! Now, get your Cody doll today! (She takes one and strokes it.) It's time to go have some fun, Karate Cody. (She walks away.)_

Sierra: What'd you think, Cody? Was it the best commercial you've ever seen? Was it? Was it?

Ezekiel: That was pretty disturbing, eh.

Sierra: Shut up! Shows what you know!

Chris: Er… I'm gonna have to fail that. Too creepy.

Chef: Well, I'm passing it! I thought it was great!

Chris: Chef, that's why you aren't accepted into modern-day society as a normal adult.

Chef: It's all up to you, Cody. You make the decision. Does she pass or fail?

Cody: Um… (He thinks for a second.)

Sierra: Please, Cody, please. (She looks at him with begging eyes.)

Cody: Er… fail. (Sierra looks at him, and then sighs.)

Sierra: Alright. Well, at least I still get to see your Sierra doll commercial.

Chris: Okay! It's the long-anticipated Cody commercial! What is he advertising? It's time to find out!

Sierra: Duh. We _all _know what he's advertising. Sierra dolls! What else could he be advertising?

_Cody (on the screen, a bra strapped to his head): BRA HATS!_

Sierra: WHAT?

_Cody: It's not just a bra! It's also a hat! Genius, I know. Here's the simple way you do it: take the bra, and strap it to your head. It's easy! Now, the one I have on my head is a "Gwen", but there are eight kinds total! Along with "Gwen", there's "Bridgette", "Katie", "Beth", "Sierra", "Courtney", "Izzy", and "Lindsay"! (As he says each name, he holds up the respective bra.) So, order your bra hat today!_

Chris (smashing his fist down onto the table): I'll take ten!

Cody: I only have eight.

Chris: Then I'll take eight! One for each day of the week!

Noah: There are seven days in a week, Chris.

Chris: Um, I'm pretty sure there's eight. Anyways, you pass, Cody.

Cody: Hooray! (Suddenly, he notices all the girls glaring at him.) Oh… hi there.

Izzy: So it wasn't Morgan Freeman.

Courtney: It was _you _all along.

Gwen: That's what I was trying to tell you guys!

Courtney: So what should we do to him, girls?

Beth: Whatever we want.

Katie: DJ, honey, don't look. I'm gonna smash this boy's face in. (They all start moving towards him, cornering him against the stage.)

Cody: Please, girls, you're being unreasonable! Don't hurt me!

Gwen: Maybe you should've though of that before you sorted through our clothes like a psychopath!

Cody: Girls, please, AHHH! (He is surrounded, and the sounds of punching and screams ring out through the auditorium. Chris chuckles.)

**Can Cody survive the girls? **

**Will his bra hats become a hit in stores everywhere? I, Chris Mclean, will see to it. **

**Is Trent alright in the infirmary? Seriously, nobody's checked up on him in hours. **

**Who will win top prize and go on a luxury cruise? **

**And who will flop and be sent home in the most dramatic campfire ceremony ever?**

**Find out on the next commercial-filled chapter of **

**Total Drama Returns! **


	27. Day 8 Part 3: More Madcap Merchandising

**Total Drama Returns**

The Cheesebub's Message: So, sorry for another late update. But I was on vacation, so I really only had about three days to write this chapter. The number is SO CLOSE! Literally, it's less than 10 reviews away. You may realize that the Final 15 is coming near. Remember, the final 15 are the campers that will be in the next season of Total Drama. Once the final 15 comes around, however, I think there might be a game-changing decision I would like to make. I won't reveal it yet, but here's a hint: think recent Survivor. However, when I reveal it, I will have a poll on whether I should include it or not. For now, onto the responding.

**Pandah N. Reaper—**I knew that the "mayo" scene would disgust a lot of readers. Goth repellent only works on Goths. Those are the people that Courtney truly loathes. Oh. I didn't know pizazz was spelled that way. Whenever I typed it in on "Word", it always respelled it as "pizzazz". But why did your friend lecture you on something like that? Chef's sometimes a pedophile, sometimes he isn't. I like question number three as well. Yep, Izzy's commercial was extremely popular, it seems.

**xebla—**Good to know you like bra hats. They'll be in stores soon. JK

**Nagasha—**I have no idea what to use for a smug smirk either. I'm not exactly the master of emoticons. Your OCs sound interesting. Why does the girl hit people with a sock full of coins though? Nice alliteration, by the way.

**Cottontop—**Man, people are laying the hate now on Cody. Makes sense, I guess. Hmm… now your OC rapes girls, too? And yes, Izzy is hot.

**Ben Likes Eating Donuts—**I'm sorry. That Justin thing was a joke. I didn't actually mean it. Trent and Courtney aren't really a couple right now, but they could be in the future, if I feel like it. I only really have the eliminations and most of the challenges planned out. I might take your advice about cramming once or twice. I don't know, I just feel that some stories don't go into enough detail. But you're right. Mine probably goes into too much. I kind of wanted to make it like some of those fics that have multiple parts to each day. Maybe if I update faster, people will be able to deal with all the detail.

**tdwtgwenfan—**Thanks :)

**QueenofthePuckabrinas—**Yeah, that's not cool of your aunt. Good to know you're not as creepy as Sierra. That would be bad to spit your ice tea onto your screen. But it's good to know that you laughed that much. I shuddered when I wrote the Ezekiel in a dress part. It is pretty disturbing. Ezekiel's pretty naïve, so he thought he could trust Al. However, it seems that Al actually gave him genuine advice. Burromuerto means "dead donkey"? Wow. Guess that can be used to describe Al, though.

**NerdyBarista—**We all barfed at the opening sequence. Now I'm worried I overdid it with the mayo. I was born in the late nineties, so I didn't quite get that. Yeah, I hate the smell of artificial fruit. The smell of Froot Loops makes me want to vomit. Gidgette's definitely having some issues, for sure. Harold, however, hasn't quite realized Katie hates him yet. You'll see that Noah can have a perverted side at some moments. Yeah, I actually feel bad for Justin. He's stuck in a place with the angry bunch: Heather, Duncan, Eva, and Leshawna. Plus, both Sadie and Owen are stalking him relentlessly. By the time the After the Dock of Shame episode rolls around, he may have gone insane. Good to know you loved the commercials. Yep, poor, poor Cody…

**Jacky Dupree—**I chuckled at the "Fangirl Jacky" part. I was thoroughly disgusted by Chris as well. Everyone loves Izzy's commercial, it seems. Well, at least a few people do… Burromuerto means dead "ass"? Well, ass is another word for donkey, so yeah, that makes sense. There could definitely be relationship troubles for Geoff and Bridgette. You also think Trent is Courtney's sex slave? Poor Trent…

* * *

**Day 8 Part 3—Chapter 27: More Madcap Merchandising**

Chris: Welcome back, folks. It's time for some more super crazy commercials from all your favorite campers! Currently, after seeing just how far Cody's perverted endeavors have gone, the girls are really dishing out a beating to the geek.

Geoff (checking his watch): The dude's been gone for a long time. Like, a really long time.

Chris: No he hasn't!

Tyler: Chris, it's been three hours since they dragged him away!

Chris: I'm sure they'll be back soon enough. (Chris, Chef, Tyler, Ezekiel, Alejandro, Noah, Harold, Geoff, and DJ listen to the pervert's screams coming from the distance. After a while, all the girls besides Sierra walk back, wiping their hands off. Courtney has Cody's pants, covered in grass and mud spots. Izzy carries a few of Cody's teeth in the palm of her hand. Katie's shirt is even covered in blood stains.)

Chris: What did you sickos do to him? Where is he right now?

Gwen: Currently? With a bra suffocating his face, he's being hoisted up the flagpole by the plastic band of his underwear. Oh yeah, and Sierra's the one hoisting him up. She's not exactly being "gentle".

Chris: Seems like an appropriate punishment. (He takes out a bra hat and puts it on his head.) But I have to admit, these are exceptionally comfy. I'm especially likin' the fact that you can strap them around your chin.

Katie (gritting her teeth): Take it off. Now.

Chris: Nah, I think this'll be my new look. (Before Katie can respond, there is a groan as someone drags themselves into the auditorium.)

Chris: Trent! Glad you could make it. We were starting to worry about you.

Trent: No you weren't. (He jams a finger in Noah and Izzy's direction.) _They _left me to die! _They _were the ones who saw me accidentally rip my IV cord out!

Noah: Dude, there was nothing to worry about. This is a cartoon. Nobody dies.

Trent: Well, I'm sick of this! I'm sick of being treated like the man at the bottom of the totem pole! I'm sick of feeling like nobody's on my side!

Chris: Dude, I'm the host, not the confession cam. Calm down.

Trent: I will _not _calm down! Say, what the f**k do you have on your head?

Chris: A bra hat. Specially designed by the Codemeister himself.

Trent: Lovely. So what the heck is going on here? Is this the freak show competition? (He beckons to Ezekiel, still wearing his dress.)

Ezekiel: Hey! This dress was made with the finest satin, I tell ya!

Chris: No need to respond to the drag queen. Anyways, Trent, this is the commercial competition. Do you have a commercial for us?

Trent: Why should I have a—(Suddenly, he gets an idea, and smirks.) Actually, I do. You can call this one "The Idiotic Loser Liar They Call Noah". (Noah's eyes widen in horror as Trent takes out the video tape of Noah faking his injury. However, before Trent can hand the video tape to Chris, Alejandro cuts him off.)

Alejandro (whispering in Trent's ear): Not yet, amigo. We must save that for later. (Trent tries to protest, but then sighs.)

Trent (whispering back): You're right.

Chris: So no video for Trent?

Trent: Nope.

Chris: Darn shame. And your acting was so great in Izzy and Noah's advertisements.

**Confession Cam**

**Alejandro: Trent's a tricky fellow.****He came this close to revealing Noah's secret to the entire camp. I need to make sure he doesn't do that. If he does… the target will switch from him to Noah, which I can't have. I just need to get him out of here as soon as possible, before he can use that video. **

**Trent: I **_**really **_**want to use that video. **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: Trent, you can go take a seat in the bleachers. (Trent walks over to the bleachers, but the moment he sits down, a huge explosion sends him flying off into the distance.)

Izzy: Oops. I think I left one of my land mines there on accident.

Chris: Thank god. He was really souring the mood.

Courtney: Are you serious? Trent could've just died!

Chris: Oh, puh-lease. He didn't die. (He turns to Chef uncertainly.) Do you think he died?

Chef (shrugging): How should I know? The bitchy girl can go look for him. Let's just get on with some more of these god awful commercials.

Chris: Alright… Geoff, you're up, buddy.

Geoff: Woo! Get ready for the best commercial evar! (He hurls his DVD at Chris, but it goes straight at the host's neck. Chris has to jump out of the way to avoid being decapitated. However, the DVD goes straight into the DVD player. Chris gets back into his seat, scowling. Geoff chuckles.) Woops. That was close.

Chris: *grumble* Tell us what your video's called.

Geoff: I call it "Geoff gets fired from a cannon into a box of Geoff flakes, causing an explosion that makes…"

Chris: Dude, give us a title, not a summary of the entire advertisement.

Geoff: Oh, then I call it… "Geoff flakes".

Chris: Nice and simple. Alright. (He starts the commercial.)

_(In extremely shaky camera footage, the screen zooms in on a giant box of Geoff flakes. Then it turns to Geoff, his hat off, his head sticking out of cannon. Pink goggles are strapped around his head.) _

_Geoff: Geoff-flakes are magically delicious. Theeeyyyrrreee great! I'm coo-coo for Geoff flakes! Kid tested, mother approved. Snap, crackle, pop, Geoff flakes. The Breakfast of Champions. _

Noah: Is it just me, or did he just rip-off pretty much every well-known cereal slogan invented?

_Geoff: So, it's time to show you just how far the magic of Geoff flakes can go! Bridgette, light the cannon! (Bridgette takes a lighter and reluctantly lights the cannon.) _

_Geoff: So remember, Geoff flakes are—(Before he can finish, the cannon fires him through the air, Geoff screaming all the way. However, he completely misses the box of cereal. After a few minutes, the party boy walks back, and jumps into the cannon again.)_

_Geoff: Let's try this again. Geoff flakes—(The cannon fires him again, this time straight into the box of cereal. This causes a huge explosion, and Geoff flakes fly everywhere. The cereal pieces fall down to spell out words.) _

Geoff (looking at the words, his eyes wide): Uh-oh. That's definitely not what I meant to have them spell out.

Chef (after reading the words): My mom is delicious? What the hell?

Geoff: Oops. I think I spelled out the wrong message. It was supposed to say "Geoff flakes are good for you".

Bridgette (rolling her eyes): This is why we should've edited it, Geoff.

Chef: Listen, white boy, you stay away from my mom, ya hear me? Ya got it?

Chris: Oh, come on, Chef, I thought it was pretty funny.

Chef: FUNNY? If this commercial came on national TV, it would instill fear in the lives of every mom in Canada! It would cause a nationwide scandal!

Chris: Exactly. That's what makes it funny. And besides, it's obvious that Geoff is just too stupid to know how to spell out the correct words. He didn't know better.

Geoff (not realizing the insult): Thank you, Chris Mclean. Somebody finally understands.

Chef: It don't matter if the boy can't spell. He failed, and that's that.

Chris: That's awfully hypocritical of you, Chef. When's the last time you spelled something correctly?

Chef: Shuddup. That has nothing to do with it.

Geoff: But wait! It's not over! This is the best part! (He points to the screen.)

_(Burnt and scarred, Geoff drags himself over to the spelled-out words, gets up, and starts doing an Irish jig.)_

Chef: How does that improve the quality of the video in any way?

Geoff: Everyone loves Irish jigs. Plus, it adds a whole layer of complexity to the entire commercial. It changes everything you thought you knew.

DJ: How?

Geoff: I dunno. I just thought that sounded smart.

Chris: So, I say pass, Chef says fail. I think we need Cody's opinion on this one. (He calls out.) Cody! Do you think we should pass or fail Geoff?

Cody (from off in the distance): Oh, not any more, Sierra! My butt can't take the pain!

Chef: Sounds like a "fail", in my opinion.

Chris (shrugging): Though I do not approve of the decision, it seems Geoff's perverted call-out to the moms of Canada didn't cut it.

Geoff: Dude, c'mon! Didn't you feel the magic of Geoff flakes?

Chris: Don't worry, Geoff. My mom's always available.

Geoff: Uhh… okay.

Chris: So, the score remains 3-2, with the Screaming Ivy in the lead. Can Courtney widen this gap?

Courtney: Of course I can. Goth repellent is sure to be a best-seller. (She proudly holds up a can. Harold examines it with interest.)

Harold: Hmm… it appears you used a mix of laundry detergent chemicals for a solid base, and then formulated reactions through a combination of powder fruit punch, pink bubble gum, and the shredded remains of a Care Bear.

Courtney: Exactly, Mega Dweeb.

Izzy: Chef won't be happy when he finds out you shredded his Care Bear. Now he only has twenty-three in his collection. (Chef hears this, and screams.)

Chef: You aint supposed to tell 'em that!

Izzy: Actually, I think it's a good thing she shredded your Care Bear. Your obsession with them was getting kind of creepy. Especially the way you used to sing them lullabies, and constantly groom them with your own set of mini-combs. And don't even get me started on you're My-Little-Pony Collection. (Chef covers his face with his hands as the campers, including Chris, laugh hysterically.)

**Confession Cam**

**(Gwen tries to speak, but burst out laughing.) **

**(Bridgette sits in the confessional, slamming her fist against the wall as she laughs.)**

**(Tears literally stream from Geoff's face as he laughs.)**

**Chef: Disrespectful little brats… they'll all get what's comin' to them! Startin' with crazy girl! **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris (still chuckling): Good times, good times. However, we really must be getting along with the judging process, so let's take a look at Courtney's commercial. (He turns on the TV.)

_Courtney: You've seen them in the halls at your school. At first, you might mistake them for creepy black demons of the night. But no. These are Goths. Goths, in case you didn't know, are a subculture that emerged in the late '70's. Now, statistics show that currently, the number of Goths among teens has drastically risen over the past few years. While they still remain a minority, we can't help but think what would happen if Goths outnumbered normal humans one day. _

Gwen: Goths are just as normal as anyone else!

Courtney: Shh… Gwenny, we mustn't interrupt.

_Courtney: The world would become a desolate wasteland. Everyone would be dark and morbid. We would walk around like freaks, in all black clothing, wearing buckles, fishnets, and all heavy makeup. That includes males, too. But… there's a way you can stop it. First of all, let's go over what Goth people dislike. _

Beth: How long is this video?

Courtney: Shush!

_Courtney: So, first of all, there's rainbows. Goths dislike rainbows because—_(Chris starts forwarding past this part.)

Courtney: Hey! You can't do that!

Chris: Uh, yeah I can. We're on a tight schedule here. (Courtney crosses her arms and scowls. Chris stops fast forwarding at the part where Courtney holds up a canister of Goth repellent.)

_Courtney: Goth repellent is what you need if you want to save yourself from becoming one of… __**them**__. (She sprays some in the air. Suddenly, Gwen walks over.)_

_Gwen: Listen, Courtney, I'm sick and tired of your attitude against Goths—(She sniffs the air.) What is that smell? It smells like… like rainbows, and artificial fruit flavoring! God! (She stomps away. Courtney looks at the camera and smiles.)_

_Courtney: See? Works every time. So order your Goth repellent today! (The video shuts off.)_

Beth: Umm… that was kind of mean.

Courtney: No it wasn't (She turns to face the rest of the contestants, and holds up a box of canisters.) Who wants one? Who wants some Goth repellent? (There is silence as everyone stares at her.)

Ezekiel: Uhh… what's a Goth, eh? (Courtney glares at him.)

Courtney: You idiot! I explained it in the video! (She snatches the remote from Chris, and starts rewinding.)

Chris: No way, girl. (He snatches it back from her.) We saw enough of your commercial. And Chef and I don't approve.

Chef: WHAT? Why?

Chris: It's not cool to just hate on another camper like that relentlessly.

Gwen: Wow. I never thought I'd see the day Chris would say that.

Chris: Hey, I'm not all evil. So, with two fails in a row, the score is still 3-2. Can this next person pass for their team? Katie, let's see what ya got. What's your product?

Katie: Body lotion.

Chris: Sounds nice. After all, I've needed some body lotion. My back's been getting extra scaly.

Tyler: TMI, dude.

Chris: But it's true! So, Katie, what's the title of your commercial?

Katie: "Mystic Night".

Chris: Interesting. (He smiles, and starts up the commercial.)

_(On the screen, Katie is taking a shower. She's completely naked, but a shroud of mist is covering most of her body.)_

_Katie: Why, hello there…_

DJ (punching himself in the face): Don't think dirty thoughts, DJ, don't think dirty thoughts!

_Katie: Mystic Night Body Lotion is perfect for giving you the smoothest skin. (She squirts some onto her hand, and starts lathering her body.) Mmm… that feels good. (She continues to lather up her whole body, until it seems to be covered in soap.) With Mystic Night Body Lotion, you're sure to get results. In just a few days, you'll have smoother, softer skin that everyone can see. (Suddenly, she hears a crash.) Sorry, please excuse me for a moment. (She puts on a towel, and leaves the shower. However, you can still hear her voice from outside the shower stall.)_

_Katie: So, in the girls bathroom again, are we?_

_Ezekiel: Soory, I couldn't tell which was which—(There are loud punching sounds, then a scream, and then the door to the bathroom slams shut. Katie enters the shower stall, smiling.)_

_Katie: Sorry about that. Now, remember, Mystic Night Body Lotion is the only body lotion for the softest skin the men can't get enough of. _

Katie (addressing Chris and Chef): So, how'd you two like it?

Chris: Wow…

Chef (whispering in Chris's ear): Um, what do we say about that commercial without making us sound like pedophiles?

Chris: I got this. (He turns to Katie.) Uhh… er… that was a good commercial.

Chef: Yeah. Er… it was good.

Chris: Does she pass, Chef?

Chef: Uhh… yeah. She passes. (Katie gives them a bright smile.)

**Confession Cam**

**Katie: I know how big of a pervert Chris is. I think my commercial worked pretty well by utilizing that as boost. **

**Chris: I'm not a pervert! I'm not! I don't know why everyone's listing me as one!**

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: Okay, Gwen, your turn. Let's see what- (Courtney snorts, interrupting him.)

Courtney: What is _Gwen _advertising? Probably something like a book about death.

Gwen (smirking): You'll see.

Chris: You say the title's called "The Product You've All Been Waiting For".

Gwen: Yep.

Chris: Good. Now, let's—

Courtney: I'm certainly waiting to see how _bad _it is.

Chris: Can you stop with your interruptions? Thank you. (He starts up the commercial.)

_Gwen: Well, you all know how Courtney's come out with a new repellent for Goths. But you know and I know that that's not the product you really want to buy. So, I made a new product. Observe. (She takes out a canister.) This is made with only one ingredient: green jelly. _(Courtney gasps.) _Yep, you guessed it. I'm selling "Courtney repellent". And you can buy yours today! _

Courtney: Hey! She can't sell that!

Gwen: Why not? How's it okay for you to sell Goth repellent, but I can't sell Courtney repellent?

Courtney: Because it's not like anyone would want to _buy _Courtney repellent!

Gwen: Let's see, then, shall we? (She takes out a box filled with canisters of Courtney repellent, and turns to the rest of the campers.) How many of you want some of this? (The entire Screaming Ivy team immediately raises their hands. Then, slowly, the Killer Redwoods raise their hands as well.)

Noah: How much for a six-pack? (Courtney stares in horror at all the people raising their hands, and then runs out of the amphitheater, tears streaming down her face. Gwen watches in satisfaction, and then sighs.)

Gwen: Hmm… maybe I was a little harsh.

Alejandro: Are you serious, chica? We've been waiting for this product from the moment we met Courtney!

Bridgette: Courtney and I may be friends, but sometimes, she seriously gets on my nerves.

Chris: Looks like your Courtney repellent is quite the success, Gwen. You pass with an A+.

Gwen: But I thought you said that it's not cool to hate on other campers in your commercials.

Chris: Yeah, but with Courtney, we'll make an exception.

**Confession Cam **

**Courtney (her eyes red from crying): Do people really hate me that much? I mean, what have I done to make them angry? (She sniffles.) At least people don't hate me as much as they hate Trent. **

**Trent (from outside the confessional): Hey! **

**Gwen: You know, I feel actually pretty guilty about selling Courtney repellent. (She chuckles.) Aw, who am I kidding? **

**Flagpole**

Cody: Ow, oof, ow… Sierra, please stop! (Sierra continues to pull him farther and farther up the flagpole by his underwear, yanking the rope with extra vigor.)

Sierra (sobbing): I thought I could trust you! I thought you would advertise the Sierra doll like you promised you would! (She stops yanking for just a moment.) Look what I did for you. I advertised my Cody dolls! The camp loved them!

Cody: People were pretty freaked out, Sierra—(Sierra yanks the rope super quick, and he cries out in pain.)

Sierra: Silence! Listen to me, Cody Emmet Jameson Anderson. I always do favors for you! Always! And just this once, I asked you to do a favor for me! And you couldn't do it! You went up there and started advertising these vulgar contraptions you call _bra hats_. What do you have to say for yourself?

Cody: I think that this is the first time a girl's ever given me a wedgie. Kinda hot. (He winks at her. Sierra stares at him, and then slowly grits her teeth together.)

Sierra: Your super sexy charming powers won't work on me, mister. Get ready to stay there for the rest of the night.

Cody: Wait, Sierra, let's be reasonable—(But Sierra's already run off. Cody sighs, and then looks at the bra strapped around his face.) Hmm… I wonder whose bra this is.

**Amphitheater**

Chris: Alright. The score's 4-3, with the Screaming Ivy still in the lead.

Noah: Dude, you don't need to keep telling us the score. I think we can keep track of it in our heads.

Chris: Hey, be considerate of the idiots here. (He tilts his head toward Lindsay, Geoff, and Tyler.)

Lindsay: Why is he cocking his head towards us?

Tyler: I dunno, babe. But I do know one thing.

Lindsay: What's that?

Tyler: Uhh… I forget.

Chris: See? They need the help. Speaking of stupid, Ezekiel, ready to present your commercial?

Ezekiel: Huh? (He's picking his nose, and wipes off on his dress.)

Beth: Eww!

Ezekiel: What? (He looks at his dress.) You know, I don't think this dress was green when I bought it, eh. (All the girls shriek in horror.)

Chris: Please, Ezekiel, no more of your messed up ways. Now, what's your video called?

Ezekiel: Err… "Magic".

Chris: Lovely. I wonder what it'll be about. (He turns on the TV.)

_Ezekiel: Potatoes! (He holds up a potato, and the video shuts off.) _(There is complete silence. No sound whatsoever. Chris and Chef sit there, staring at the TV with blank expressions for at least five minutes. Suddenly, Izzy bursts out cheering.)

Izzy: Woo! Woo! Woo! (She realizes nobody is joining in, and stops. Chris has finally come to, and looks at Ezekiel.)

Chris: Please tell me I missed something.

Ezekiel: Nope. Pretty good, huh? (He smiles proudly.)

Chef: I agree. I like it. In fact, one of my favorites so far.

Chris: Please tell me you're joking, Chef.

Chef: Nope. It was nice and short. To the point.

Chris: He didn't tell you anything about his product! He just held up a potato, stated what it was, and left!

Chef: Exactly. To the point. I especially like the way he pronounced "potato". Putting a lot of emphasis on the "po", and really sizzling off at the "to". Very regal sounding.

Chris: You must be joking. Please, just give me some indication that you're joking.

Noah (sarcastically): Why would he joke about something as serious as potatoes?

Chef: Exactly! Chris, there's no question. Ezekiel's passin', and that's final.

Chris: Fine. But I really don't think that Ezekiel should be getting rewarded for setting up a video camera, saying a three syllable word, and turning it off again.

Chef: Hey, for an Amish kid, that's pretty impressive.

Chris: Ezekiel, you should consider yourself very lucky.

Ezekiel: Aboot what, eh?

Chef: Your commercial, soldier. It was great.

Ezekiel: What commercial?

Chris: Never mind. So, Ezekiel ties up the score at 4-4 with his extremely innovative potato commercial. Now, let's have a hand for—(Suddenly, Sierra glomp-hugs him, sobbing.)

Sierra (sobbing hysterically): OH CHRIS IT'S HORRIBLE CODY IS SO MEAN I HATE MY LIFE WAAAAHHH!

Chris: Stop it! Dammit, you're getting snot all over my face!

Sierra: WHAT SHOULD I DO CHRIS I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!

Chris: I have a suggestion for you.

Sierra: YES WHAT IS IT CHRIS? TELL ME! TELL ME TELL ME!

Chris: You need to go join your team, and act like a frickin' normal person! (He shoves Sierra off the stage, and she lands at Katie's feet, and clings, to them, sobbing.)

Katie: Sierra, get a hold of yourself! This is just Cody we're talking about!

Sierra: _Just Cody_? Cody means everything to me!

Katie: He's a pervert and a moron and a dork. You need to get over him.

Sierra: NEVAR! (She sprints away, laughing maniacally.)

Chris: That was scary. Okay, back to the contest. Lindsay and Beth, you're the two Screaming Ivy members left. Which one of you wants to go? Actually, that's a rhetorical question. Lindsay, you're going.

Beth: What about me? Why can't I go?

Chris: Because Lindsay is super hot, and you're super not. What are you advertising, Lindsay? Please tell me it's your own bikini brand.

Lindsay: Nope! I'm advertising Tyler!

Chris: Oh. Then in that case, Beth, you can go. (He starts up Beth's commercial.)

_Beth: Your pig needs the comfort it deserves, while still feeling stylish. That's why Beth's line of specialty designed Pig Accessories are perfect for you. Tutus! (She holds up Big Bertha in a tutu.) _

DJ: Awww…

_Beth: Top hats! (She holds up Big Bertha in a top hat.)_

DJ: Awww…

_Beth: High Heels! (She holds up Big Bertha wearing high heels.)_

DJ: Awww…

_Beth: Thongs! (She holds up Big Bertha wearing a thong.)_

DJ: Aw—Ewww!

_Beth: And so much more! My pig, Big Bertha, loves all these clothing items she gets to wear. Isn't that right, Big Bertha? (She looks down at the pig, who squeals angrily. Suddenly, Big Bertha attacks her, mauling her. The advertisement ends.) _

Beth: So, how'd you like it, Chris? Pig accessories are really useful, don't you think?

Chris: Well, first of all, does it look like I own a pig?

Izzy: Of course you do! (She points to Chef.) He's right there!

Chef: I will kill you, crazy girl!

Chris: Hm, a fair point, a fair point. But overall, a pretty bland commercial. Like a glass of wine that hasn't been aired out long enough. Too dry, you know what I mean?

Noah: No Chris, most of the time we don't understand your wine metaphors.

Chris: That's my first wine metaphor, smart aleck! Though I have to admit, I did like it. Anyways, back to the commercial. Chef, your thoughts.

Chef: I will take that redhead's face, and stuff it in a blender! She just called me a pig!

Chris: You're not a pig, Chef. Maybe first cousins with the species, but not a pig. Seriously, though, what did you think of the commercial?

Chef: Great. I dunno. I just want some liquor!

Chris: I'll take that as a "fail". Sorry, Beth, but it looks like this is the end of the line for your career in the designing of pig accessories. Nobody would buy them, anyway.

Ezekiel: I'd buy em, eh!

Beth: Really?

Ezekiel: Of course. I've bin needin' some fer my pig, Eugene. Eugene means everythin' to me, eh. We eat lunch together, we bathe together, we even sleep together!

Beth: Really? Same with Big Bertha and I!

Chris: Aw, the loser farm children are bonding. It touches my heart. But we must get a move on. We still have two more exciting commercials to see. Tyler, you're next. Can you get your team ahead?

Tyler: Yeah! (He jams his finger into DJ's chest.) With this commercial, my team will totally beat your team!

DJ; We're on the same team, Tyler.

Tyler: We are? (He scans his eye over DJ.) Oh yeah.

Chris: Please, the stupidity act is funny at first, but in small doses! (He turns on the TV.)

_Tyler: Hey there! This is Tyler! We've got lots of balls at Tyler's Sporting Equipment! Lots of balls! Lindsay, hand me my balls. _(Tyler slams his hand to his forehead as he realizes how wrong this all sounds.)

_Tyler: Thank you, Lindsay, for handing me my balls. Now, for my commercial, Ezekiel and I will be playing a game of soccer, with one of my premium soccer balls. Ezekiel here's a beginner, so I'll go easy on him. Isn't that right, Ezekiel? (He pats Ezekiel on the back. The homeschool is currently grinning widely at the camera and waving.)_

_Ezekiel: Hi. I'm Ezekiel. _

_Tyler: They already know that, dude. (He whips out a soccer ball.) Now, Ezekiel, let's PLAY!_

_Lindsay (from behind the camera): Go Ezekiel! _

_Tyler: No, Lindsay, you're supposed to root for me!_

_Lindsay: Oh. Go Tyler!_

_Tyler: Thanks, babe. (He tries to dribble past Ezekiel, who is daintily picking his nose, but the prairie boy sticks out his foot, and swiftly takes the ball away from the jock. Ezekiel then kicks it straight into Tyler's goal. Tyler walks over, sweating and panting.)_

_Tyler: Okay… you're good for a beginner. Now I'll ramp up the intensity. (He quickly starts dribbling the ball again, and tries to kick it through Ezekiel's legs. But Ezekiel quickly closes his legs before the ball can get through, and launches it into Tyler's goal again. Tyler stares at his goal, and a look of frustration spreads across his face. After retrieving the ball from the goal, he points at Ezekiel.) _

_Tyler: No going easy any more. This is ALL OUT! (He shoves Ezekiel out of the way, and aims at Ezekiel's goal. However, his foot misses the ball completely, giving Ezekiel a chance to steal it. Racing like the wind, Ezekiel dribbles the ball all the way back to Tyler's goal, and pops it in. Meanwhile, Tyler's passed out on the ground from exhaustion. Ezekiel, with the ball propped under his arm, walks over and glances down at Tyler's unconscious body. He shrugs, and looks at the camera.)_

_Ezekiel: Er… what should I say noo?_

_Lindsay: Say something about Tyler's balls, I guess. _

_Ezekiel: Umm… Tyler's balls are very nice. (The video ends.) _

Chris: Um… apart from the creepy ending, not bad, not bad at all.

Chef: I especially liked the fact that the Skinny White Boy #2 completely creamed Skinny White Boy #1.

Tyler: I was going easy on him! It was his first time!

Geoff: Dude, the Zeke totally slaughtered you. With a finger jammed up his nose the whole time!

Tyler: No he didn't! (He points to his pinky.) Besides, my pinky had a cramp.

Chris: What does that have to do with how well you play soccer?

Tyler: You obviously don't realize how much you use your pinky in soccer, Mclean.

Lindsay: Yeah! You can't deny the evidence! (She thinks for a second.) What am I talking about again?

Chris: I was gonna let you pass, but with that horrible excuse, I think you just failed.

Tyler: Wait! Have you tried out my footballs? (He hurls a football at Chef, and it slams into the cook's gut, knocking the wind out of him.)

Tyler: Dang, dude… maybe next time you should be ready for the catch. (Right after he says this, the ball slams into his forehead, knocking him out.)

Chef: Words of wisdom to live by.

**Confession Cam**

**Tyler: I totally was going easy on Ezekiel. I could beat him any day! Check out my moves, yo! (He starts dribbling a basketball, and shoots it into the toilet.) Score! (He looks at the basketball, floating in the dark brown toilet water.) I probably should've thought before I did that. **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: Alright. I think Tyler losing to Ezekiel at a game of soccer is classified as a "fail". The score remains tied. That means all Lindsay has to do is have a decent commercial, and she wins it for her team! Screaming Ivy, I'll see you at the campfire ceremony tonight.

Alejandro: Hey! She hasn't even presented the commercial yet!

Chris: Geez, I'm just preparing you guys for what's soon to come. (He starts up Lindsay's commercial.)

_Lindsay: Tyler! (She holds up Noah, who has a price tag sticking out of his head.)_

_Noah: Lindsay, I'm not Tyler—_

_Lindsay: You can buy a Tyler for $3.99, but with tax. What's tax again, Tyler? _

_Noah: I'm not Tyler. The real Tyler is hiding from you. And you don't know what tax is? Geezus, you really are a—_

_Lindsay: So order your Tyler today! (She squeezes Noah so hard his face turns blue. After she lets go, Noah turns to her.)_

_Noah: Lindsay, I know you may not have realized this, but have you ever thought that maybe __**you **__could be Tyler? _

_Lindsay: Really? You think so? (She starts contemplating this. As she's thinking, Noah rips off the price tag, and quickly runs away. The video ends with Lindsay lost deep in thought.)_

Chris: Ah… nothing like watching stupid people to make me feel better about myself.

Lindsay: OMG, I don't think that was Tyler I was selling!

Noah: You finally realized that? I'm impressed.

Chris: Well, I say stupidity is always worthy of succeeding, so I say you pass. Chef? How about you?

Chef: What is the point of living anymore? There's no purpose, no truth, no meaning.

Chris: Uh-oh. Chef's having an emo attack. He gets those from time to time. Whatever, Lindsay, your commercial passes. That means that the Screaming Ivy wins, and the Killer Redwoods lose, once again. Wow, third time in a row. You guys must feel like losers!

Ezekiel: I aint no loser, eh! I will fight on, to the very end!

Chris: Whatever. You're still a loser. However, two of you aren't complete losers. These two commercials were the best, in my opinion. If either of these commercials is your commercial, then you get to go on a luxury cruise with a camper of your choice! And, if you're on the losing team, you'll be safe from elimination. So, our winners are… Katie and Izzy!

Noah: So pretty much, Katie because you're a pervert, and Izzy because you hate Trent, like any normal person.

Izzy: HOORAY! (She grabs Noah, almost strangling him.) I'm taking Noah with me!

Noah: Hey! I didn't agree to this! Maybe I wanted to stay at camp so I could finally be away from your idiocy!

Izzy: But we'll have so much fun! Wouldn't it be cool if the boat broke and sank?

Noah: With you, that's most likely. (Meanwhile, Katie just stands with DJ, a smug grin on her face.)

Katie: I knew I would win anyway. Besides, I think we need some private time. (She winks at him. DJ starts sweating, and chuckles.)

DJ (sweating fiercely): Hubba Dubba Flubba Rubba. (Suddenly, Izzy comes up behind them with Noah and puts them in a suffocating group hug.)

Izzy (as Katie and DJ stare at her with annoyed facial expressions): This'll be so fun, guys! We'll be like one big happy family!

Katie: Get off of me! (She shoves Izzy off, and turns to Chris.) When do we leave?

Chris: Now!

Katie: But Chris… what about the elimination ceremony? DJ and I should be able to vote, right?

Chris: Nope. Chef, please escort them out—

Katie: No! I can't miss the vote! I'm the one who has complete power over who goes home! If I'm not there, and DJ, one of my healthy pawns—er, I mean, alliance members, isn't there, who knows what might happen?

Chris (grinning evilly): You're right! Who knows what might happen? (Katie gasps.)

Katie: You were planning this all along! You wanted to mess up the vote!

Chris: Hey, it becomes too predictable otherwise. There's gotta be a little drama.

Katie: No! You can't do this!

Chris: Chef, please take this girl away from me. (Chef nods, and grabs Katie, slinging her over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. Katie beats her fists against his back, yelling and cursing as they walk off. DJ, Izzy, and Noah follow after them.)

Harold: What now?

Chris: What do you mean, what now? The six of you Killer Redwoods have gotta decide who's going home. Screaming Ivy members, you can do whatever you want. You might wanna try getting Cody down from that flagpole. He's pretty far up.

Gwen: Nah, I think he can stay there for a little while longer.

**Confession Cam**

**Geoff (grinning from ear to ear): This just might be the chance I've been waiting for! With Katie not around to control the vote, anything can happen. I'm thinking of getting rid of Harold. Bet you anything Harold's talking all about how he isn't going home tonight because he's the "Miyazaki". **

**Harold: There's no way I'm going home tonight. After all, I am the Miyazaki. **

**Trent: My team won even without me around. Maybe they aren't a complete group of incompetent morons. (He thinks for a moment.) No, they still are. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Mess Hall**

Ezekiel: Dang. Third time in a row we've lost, eh.

Geoff: So… who are you guys thinking of voting for? (He, Bridgette, Ezekiel, Harold, and Tyler sit around a table. Sierra is nowhere to be seen.)

Tyler: Katie. All the way. (He sits back, grinning smugly, as if he has just made a really strategic move.)

Geoff: Dude, you can't vote for Katie.

Tyler: Why not? (He crosses his arms, frustrated.)

Geoff: Because Katie's on a cruise!

Tyler: Oh yeah. Well, then who _should _we vote for?

Geoff: I say Harold.

Harold: I'm right here, you know! Gosh! Disrespect, man! Don't you even realize who I am? I am the Miya—

Bridgette: Yes, we know, we know. The "Miyazaki". (Suddenly, they hear screaming from outside.)

Sierra: WHY? WHY CODY? WHY?

Ezekiel (pulling his toque over his ears): Man, that girl, she's bin screamin' all day!

Bridgette: Oh, she'll get over it. (Suddenly, a shrill sob echoes through the camp.)

Tyler (clutching his ears): Ow!

Bridgette: Here, I'll go get her. Maybe if we talk about it, she'll calm down. (Bridgette walks out the door. A few minutes later she walks in, her eyes wide.)

Geoff: What's going on?

Bridgette: Currently, she's burning a giant statue of Cody, all the while carving his face into every surface she can find.

Sierra (from outside): HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, CODY? HUH? HUH?

Harold (clutching his ears): Must she—

Sierra: WAAAAAHHH!

Geoff: That's it. I'm outta here, man.

Tyler: Same with me. (Everyone but Bridgette and Ezekiel leaves the Mess Hall. Once they're alone, Ezekiel grins slyly at Bridgette.)

Ezekiel: You're as yummy as a marshmallow. (Bridgette rolls her eyes.)

**Confession Cam**

**Bridgette: Sierra could be digging her own grave as we speak. She needs to calm down, or she might find that people don't want her around. Sure, I'm still somewhat interested in getting rid of Ezekiel, but… without Katie around… **

**End of Confessionals**

**Dock**

Chef: I present to you… the Cruise de Chef! (He beckons to a huge, luxurious cruise liner; parked at the very end of the dock. Sitting on a deck at the very back is a huge pool with a water slide and a tiki bar, along with huge, luxurious suites and an arcade. Tacked to the very front of the ship is a giant replica of Chef's head, spurting out a fountain of water.)

Izzy: Awesome!

DJ: Wow.

Noah: Chef, are you sure you didn't get this illegally?

Chef (scowling): What's it to you, turkey? (He takes Katie and throws her down onto the dock.)

Katie: Ow! Handle me like a woman, will you?

Chef (shrugging): Okay. (He picks her up, and throws her up onto the upper deck of the ship.)

Katie: Ow! That isn't how you handle a woman!

Chef: It is for me. (He points to a staircase, leading up to the ship.) All aboard.

Izzy (as she climbs up the staircase): Hmm… this thing might be harder to sink than I thought…

DJ: Do you think we'll get to see dolphins, Chef? I love dolphins!

Chef: So do I. Especially in dolphin _burgers_. (DJ whimpers, and climbs onto the deck of the ship. Chef follows after them.)

Chef: So… as your reward, you're entitled to anything this place has to offer.

Izzy: Like the control room?

Chef: _Except _for the control room. You hear me, crazy? I don't want you anywhere _near _the control room. Now, enjoy. (He troops away. As he enters the control room, he chuckles to himself.)

Chef: Too bad they'll only get to enjoy it for a few hours. Because after that… it's a one-way ticket to hell. (He cackles, and starts up the boat.)

**Campfire Pit**

Chris: Tsk, tsk, tsk… third immunity challenge lost in a row… in fact, fifth challenge in general you guys have lost in a row. How do you guys feel?

Sierra: LIKE THERE'S NO ONE WHO'S THERE FOR ME!

Chris: Shut up!

Sierra: You shut up, Chris Mclean! (She runs over, grabs him, and makes her way over to the dock.) Get ready to sleep with the fishes! (However, Geoff and Tyler restrain her.)

Geoff: Sierra, just calm down…

Chris (whimpering): Yeah, Sierra… please, just not my hair… (Sierra sighs, and puts him down.)

Sierra: Sorry. I don't know what came over me. (She giggles nervously. They walk back to the campfire pit, and Sierra sits down.)

Chris: Now that that crazy attack is over, I'll ask you some questions. Geoff, let's start with another one of your cereal metaphors.

Sierra: I'll give you a cereal metaphor, Chris Mclean. Cody is a box of Lucky Charms, with some Cheerios mixed in. And it's one of those boxes with half as many marshmallows. However healthy it may seem, it still has high fructose corn syrup.

Chris: Wow, I'm gonna have a hard time deciphering that one. But must the topic keep switching to Cody?

Sierra: Yes, Chris Mclean, it must!

Chris: Oh. In that case, we'll just vote.

**Confession Cam**

**Sierra: As sad as I am about Cody… maybe if I vote out Ezekiel, I'll feel better. **

**Bridgette: Who to choose… who to choose… (Suddenly Chris sticks his head in and taps his watch. Bridgette scowls at him.) I've been in here for five seconds!**

**Geoff: I still think I should vote for Harold… but Sierra has been getting pretty annoying. At least **_**my**_** cereal metaphors make sense! **

**Harold: Geoff is not an issue any more. This person needs to go. The Miyazaki has made his decision.**

**Tyler: Hm… I vote for Harold. The dude aint coordinated. (He looks at the camera.) What? I'm a hypocrite? Not true. **

**Ezekiel: I think Bridgette's really likin' my metaphors, eh. Plus, my seductive stare seems to be working. (He tries to stare seductively at the camera, and it shatters.) **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: You've all cast your votes. There are six granola bars on my plate. But only five of you. No wait, that's not right. There are _five _granola bars on my plate, but _six _of you. Man, I hate having to do all this math. Anyways, the first three granola bars go to Tyler, Bridgette, and Geoff.

Tyler: Alright! Place at the table! (He takes his granola bar, and throws it up in the air. He tries to catch it in his mouth, but it hits him in the eye instead.)

Chris: Now… (He looks at Sierra, Harold, and Ezekiel.) All three of you received at least one vote. However, Ezekiel, you're safe. (Ezekiel grins widely, and takes his granola bar. Then he holds it up and starts a monologue.)

Ezekiel: This granola bar represents the struggle of humanity, and the resistance of—(Chris clamps a hand over his mouth, shutting him up.)

Chris: Now, Harold and Sierra, one of you is going to the Playa de Losers. And you can never come back. Ever. So, without further ado, the dramatic pause. The final granola bar goes to…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

Harold.

Sierra: *sniffle* WAAAHHHH! I still need to say goodbye to Cody!

Chris: No way, girl. We don't have any time for heartfelt goodbyes.

Cody (from up at the top of the flagpole): Could it be? It is! Sierra's leaving!

Sierra: Cody! Win for us! (Cody doesn't hear her, for he is too busy celebrating. Sierra sighs, and gets on the Boat of Losers.)

Bridgette: Wait… who's gonna drive it if Chef isn't here?

Chris: Good point. (He takes Sierra out, and stuffs her in a row boat.) Guess you'll have to row yourself to the Playa de Losers. Hope you can make it. Watch out for the man-eating sharks. (Suddenly, Sierra's face becomes resolute.)

Sierra: Fine. But I'm _not _going to tie Cody up and take him with me like I was planning. I'm going to leave like a normal person.

Chris: That's good to know. So… off you go! (Sierra starts rowing away.)

Sierra: Goodbye, Total Drama Island! While I was only here for eight eliminations, thus rendering me in a not so respectful 17th place, I still feel my time here was the best in my pitiful, meaningless life! Cody, you are the most wonderful man I've ever met. Chris, you are the most despicable man I've ever met.

Chris: Aw, thank you for the kind words. (The Killer Redwoods are unnerved by the fact that he isn't even joking.)

Sierra: So, I leave a happy person! And I can't wait to get home to start blogging on everything that's happened this season. It's not every day that a girl outlasts Heather, Duncan, Owen, and Leshawna. So, I am proud! I am proud to be Canadian! And I am proud as a human being! (Suddenly, the row boat sinks. The Killer Redwoods stare at the water for a few minutes, and then walk away, whistling.)

**Outside the Screaming Ivy Cabin**

Trent: Oh, come on, Courtney, it couldn't be that bad. (The two are sitting against the back of the cabin.)

Courtney (her eyes red from crying): It _was _that bad! Every single person wanted to buy Courtney repellent!

Trent: Hey, at least you're not me. My pant leg caught on fire, I choked on marshmallow, had a roll of toilet paper stuffed over my head, was shot by a missile, and then sat on a land mine.

Courtney: But does everyone really hate me like that? Enough to buy Courtney repellent?

Trent: Yep. (Noticing Courtney horrified facial expression, he stutters.) Er, no! I mean no. I don't hate you.

Courtney: Really?

Trent: Of course. And Lindsay doesn't know who you are, so I guess she doesn't like you or hate you. And Bridgette probably only has a mild dislike for you. DJ too.

Courtney: I know you hate me, though.

Trent: I hate you? Of course not. Why would I hate you?

Courtney: I heard you in the confessional a few episodes back. You said you were gonna blindside me at one point.

Trent: Yes, but that was back when I was foolish. When I didn't see your value. You and I… we could go to the end.

Courtney: Really? (She stares into his eyes.)

Trent: Really. (He smiles at her, and she smiles back. Meanwhile, Alejandro is watching this through the window of the cabin with disgust. He turns away from the window and scowls.)

Alejandro: Trent, you think you're so smart, amigo. But just wait for tomorrow. That is when I make my move. That is when your downfall begins.

**How far will Alejandro go to get Trent eliminated?**

**Is Sierra alright? Seriously, it's like she disappeared under the water. **

**What sort of crazy will happen on the cruise line? **

**Trent and Courtney. Does the relationship exist? Or are they both just using each other? **

**What sorts of psychopathic challenges await the campers? **

**And will Cody ever get down from the flagpole? **

**Find out on the next swashbuckling episode of **

**Total Drama Returns!**

**Eliminated: Heather, Duncan, Eva, Leshawna, Justin, Sadie, Owen, Sierra**

**Still in the Game: ****Noah, Katie, Cody, Trent, Lindsay, Beth, Harold, Tyler, Izzy, Alejandro, Gwen, Courtney, Geoff, Bridgette, DJ, Ezekiel**

**Note: Sorry to all Sierra fans. Especially sorry to those Coderra fans. But who knows? There's always a chance in the future. **

**Votes: **

Geoff—**Sierra**

Harold—**Sierra**

Sierra—Ezekiel

Bridgette—**Sierra**

Tyler—Harold

Ezekiel—**Sierra**

**Sierra: 4**

Harold: 1

Ezekiel: 1

**NEXT TIME: **When the Cruise de Chef is stranded on a deserted island, it is up to the teams to be the first to rescue their teammates through a series of difficult challenges. During all this, a few campers plan on doing something never done before: throwing a challenge.


	28. Day 9 Part 1: A Not So Private Getaway

**Total Drama Returns**

The Cheesebub's Message: Sorry for the EXTREMELY late update. I was at a sleepaway camp, you see. Man, this is a busier summer than I expected. I leave for vacation on Monday. I'll try to get another chapter out tomorrow, while I'm at home and bored, but it might be hard. Man, I feel so guilty. Anyway, we have a winner! The review number was 212, and that reviewer was Cottontop. So Cottontop, you get your choice of prize! Anyway… let me respond to the reviews. Oh wait! There's a new story out, that I wrote, called Total Drama Rap Battles! Okay, well not really a story, but more a compilation of rap battles between your favorite characters. That should be updated soon!

**Flutejrp—**Trentney moments, I can add. And yes, there will be an After the Dock of Shame Episode.

**Pandah N. Reaper—**Oh, so that's the reason. Because of a fish. I have also always wanted to be launched into a giant bowl of cereal. I agree, Sierra is very creepy. I'm actually not sure if Ezekiel is Amish, but he kind of seems like it. Harold is getting pretty annoying, isn't he?

**NerdyBarista—**Yes, the Noah footage is pretty much Trent's only beacon right now as his team pretty much hates him. Yep, Geoff's probably gonna get sued quite a bit. Katie has definitely gotten better at the game. Too bad Chris manipulated so she lost control of her team. I agree, Chris should be very grateful that Zeke's commercial wasn't too creepy. Tyler's definitely facing some problems due to losing to Ezekiel. Perhaps he'll get redemption today. Probably not. Good to know you're glad Sierra's gone. And all the answers to your questions will be right here! At least, I think…

**Chocolateater—**Good to know you like the story. Yep, Cody deserved that.

**Drums247—**Wow, I didn't realize that! I feel so ashamed for not remembering the whole Trent thing from Total Drama Action. Sorry about that.

**ChibiRox—**I also fistbumped when I found out Zeke was safe. Wait, that makes no sense. I'm the one who wrote that elimination ceremony.

**The Slasher—**The Killer Redwoods losing streak could be over… unless they suck so much that they still lose, even when someone's throwing a challenge.

**Cottontop—**Congrats on winning! You'll see how Sierra ended up in the After the Dock of Shame episode. Yes, it was about time Courtney realized that she's a bitch. And you'll see if Alejandro can stop Trent from brainwashing her. I agree, Cody and Trent were pretty annoying at first.

**Jacky Dupree—**Hey, you may not have won, but you're still a winner in my mind! Does that make sense? Probably doesn't. Anyway, thanks for letting me know you like those chapters. Yes, it's hard to know whether you want to root for Trent or hate him. I have mixed feelings for the guy currently. I have no Goth friends, but I like Goths just fine, and I don't believe in discrimination. Katie _is _turning into an evil genius, isn't she? And that might mean trouble for DJ. Chris and Chef really are pedophiles, I agree. Courtney repellent, I can assure you, would cost quite a bit of money. After all, no one's too fond of her currently. Man, your friend must've felt embarrassed. You'd buy Noah? That's creepy. We all throw up when Ezekiel tries to be a ladies' man, trust me. I can tell you that Geoff enjoyed the cereal humor. Trust me, I don't feel bad for Courtney and Trent. But I'm just trying to put them in a difficult situation right now. Yes, a sexy bad boy is very important to a good story. Maybe Cody would like to take that role. JK

**Nagasha—**Yeah, Gwen stooped low there, didn't she? Okay, so you like the relationship, but you want them to backstab each other? Interesting. Yep, Sierra is pretty much how Total Drama creators see us, writing stories about the characters that _they _made up.

**QueenofthePuckabrinas—**Seems many were happy with Sierra's elimination. Trust me, though, people won't be happy with some of the later eliminations after this one. Wow, that means a lot when you say that. Thank you. Where did Chris get his pedo ways? I promise a lot about Chris's past will be revealed throughout the season. So many questions, you're right. And here come the answers!

**Snowsky—**I agree, karma is a bitch. I didn't think that was my best chapter ever, but thanks anyway.

**Chris Mclean TDR—**Yep, Alejandro's still holding on. But for how much longer?

* * *

Chris Mclean: Last time, on Total Drama Returns… It seemed that Katie had complete control of the vote for the Killer Redwoods. Meanwhile, in the Screaming Ivy, Alejandro continued to plot the downfall of Trent. For the day's exciting challenge, the contestants had to make their own commercials, to be judged by Chef Hatchet and myself. Cody advertised a new product he called "bra hats", and ultimately paid the price in humiliation. Some commercials rocked, like Izzy's, Katie's, and Gwen's, while others flopped, like Tyler's, Harold's, and Courtney's. In the end, however, the Screaming Ivy had the best commercials, and won immunity. Also, Chef and I chose Katie and Izzy as the two best advertisers, and they won a special trip on a luxury cruise line, taking DJ and Noah with them respectively. However, it wasn't all good news on Katie's part. This meant she wouldn't be around for the vote, and without her there to influence it, the Killer Redwoods voted off Sierra, due to the fangirl's excessive sobbing over the fact that Cody didn't advertise her "Sierra dolls". Now, only sixteen campers remain. Can the Killer Redwoods end their losing streak? And what is in store for the campers currently enjoying the Cruise de Chef? Oh, you'll see, you'll see. (He grins evilly.) Find out right here on Total Drama Returns!

**Day 9 Part 1—Chapter 28: A Not-So-Private Getaway**

**Late Night (Cruise Ship)**

Noah: No way. (He stares at his room, with a king-sized bed, flatscreen TV, and hot tub.) This I could get used to. (Grabbing his book, he flops down onto the mattress. Almost immediately, a huge lurch sends him toppling onto the floor.)

Noah: What, is Chef drunk or something? Why do we keep swerving? Oh, I think I'm gonna be sick… (He runs over to the trash to throw up, but when he opens up the can, Izzy pops her head out, grinning.)

Izzy: Still haven't got your sea legs, huh, Noah?

Noah: What are you doing in my trash can—?(Suddenly, another lurch sends him flying into the wall with a crunch.) Ow. (Izzy jumps out of the trash can and grins.)

Izzy: C'mon, Noah! Let's go explore!

Noah: No. I'm going to sit in my bed and read. You're going to leave my room. Now.

Izzy: That's boring!

Noah: Boring is better than psychopathic. (Suddenly, the ship bounces, blasting him into the ceiling and back down.) Ow! (He rubs his head.) Chef is definitely under the influence of alcohol right now. Why is the ship going so crazy?

Izzy: Let's go investigate! (Before Noah can protest, she grabs him and throws him out the door of his room. The bookworm lands in the hallway outside. Izzy follows after him, and closes the door behind them.)

Izzy: We better be extra quiet. We don't want to disrupt Katie and DJ.

Noah: What are they doing? (Izzy grins mischievously.)

Izzy: Lots of fun stuff. Now c'mon! Let's see what old Cheffy is doing! (They start walking down the hall to the control room.)

Izzy: I hope he isn't too drunk. One time, during Total Drama World Tour, when we were in New York, Chef and I went to this Irish Pub! And the guy got so stoned, he took off his pants, stood up on the roof of a local library, and started singing "Baby" by Justin Bieber at the top of his lungs! I had to drag him all the way back to the plane, and he kept on reciting algebraic equations and…

Noah: Izzy.

Izzy: He threw up a few times, but…

Noah: Izzy.

Izzy: After all, alcoholic carrot juice is pretty heavy stuff…

Noah: IZZY! Stop talking, and look! (They have arrived in the control room.)

Izzy (inspecting the room): Hm… nothing suspicious going on in here.

Noah (sarcastically): Nope. Nothing at all. Except for the fact that Chef is nowhere to be seen! (He beckons to the captain seat, which is empty.)

Izzy: What's wrong with that? He probably just went for a stroll.

Noah: He's supposed to be steering the ship! (He looks around the room.) It's like he just disappeared out of thin air.

Izzy: Yep. When he's drunk, he does that sometimes.

Noah (panicking): Where could he have gone? He could be anywhere!

Izzy: Woo! Maybe I can steer the ship! (Before he can stop her, she plops down in the captain's seat.) Wow, Chef warmed it up just for me! (She grabs onto the steering wheel, and sharply yanks it to the left. The ship swerves so much that it almost tips over.)

Noah: Stop it! We need to find Chef before we crash! (Suddenly, Katie and DJ enter. The brickhouse is clinging to Katie in fear, trembling.)

Katie: Okay, what have you guys been doing?

DJ: Momma…

Katie: Get off of me! (She shakes him off, and he falls to the floor, slowly rocking back and forth, his eyes blank. Katie turns to Noah and Izzy and scowls.) Good job, you guys. Your psycho driving has sent him into shock.

Noah: We weren't the ones driving! In fact, no one's driving, for that matter. Chef's gone!

DJ: Chef… g-gone… a-abandoned….

Katie: We'll be fine, DJ.

Izzy: Say, what's that—(Suddenly, the ship slams into something huge, splitting the front of the boat. The giant Chef head at the front rips away, and drops into the water, getting swept up in the current. DJ, looking out the window, sees it float by.)

DJ: CHEFFFFF!

Katie: That's not Chef, DJ! That's just the front of the boat! (However, she is starting to look a little afraid.)

Noah: It seems we've slammed into some kind of cliff. Some sort of tropical island, I presume. We'll be fine. Chef or Chris will know where we are, and come save us.

Katie: No they won't.

Noah: Hey, can't a man dream?

Izzy: I don't care if this island is in the way! Captain Izzy will drive straight through it! (She starts ramming the boat into the cliff, breaking the front deck.)

Noah, DJ, and Katie: STOP!

Izzy: No way! One time, I steered a boat all the way into an iceberg! Sure, the ship sank, but luckily, I was one of the survivors. That was back in 1912.

Noah: You didn't sink the Titanic, Izzy. (Suddenly, Izzy rams into the cliff so hard that the entire front deck breaks away. This sends Noah, Katie, and DJ toppling out the window in front of the captain's seat, and landing in the water below.)

Izzy: Fun! (She jumps out after them, and lands in the water with a huge splash.)

Noah (clinging to a piece of wood): Actually, maybe you did. (They watch as the entire boat sinks underwater. They stare at the spot where it stood for a long time, clinging to their pieces of wood. Suddenly, Izzy starts singing.)

Izzy: I put my hands up, they're playin' my song, the butterflies fly away, noddin' my head like yeah, movin' my hips like—(She notices the others' glares.) What? I just thought it would help ease the tension!

**Back at Camp**

Cody: Ohhh… (It is now early morning, and Cody is still strung up in the flagpole, a bra still strapped around his face.) I've had wedgies before, but nothing like this! (He remembers something, and smiles.) At least Sierra's gone! And that makes any day better! (Suddenly, he sees a shadow pass by from the Screaming Ivy Cabin to the Killer Redwoods Cabin.) Who's there? Show yourself! (The shadow springs out and hides behind a bush. Cody starts to shake in fear.) What do you want from me?

Alejandro: It is me, amigo. (He steps out from behind the bush.)

Cody: Why do you have to act so creepy?

Alejandro: It makes me seem more mysterious. After all, all good antagonists are mysterious. Would you like me to help you down?

Cody: Uh… sure. Thanks, Al. (Alejandro pulls him down the flagpole, and unties his underwear from the rope.)

Alejandro: Maybe now you will understand why it is wrong to treat women the way you did. They are feisty creatures, and will not stand for that sort of thing. You now know how wrong, disrespectful, and unjust it is to sell bra hats.

Cody: Heather left one of her bras behind. I found it on the cabin floor.

Alejandro: How much? (He slaps himself across the face.) No, Alejandro! None of that! Remain pure, Alejandro! (He grins back at Cody.) So, I helped you. Now, I must ask for you to help me.

Cody: Sure, Al. What do you want? I could find you a Leshawna, maybe, if she also left one behind.

Alejandro: No, my payment does not come in bras. But, I have plans for today that I would like you to help me with. (He pauses for dramatic effect.) We are throwing the challenge.

Cody: Really? Why?

Alejandro: The final 15 of us will be going on to season 5 after this season. I can't let Trent be there. I refuse to see him in another season! I am the antagonist, and only _I _will take out everyone in the game including my allies using bitter means of deception!

Cody: Dude… if those are your plans, why would we want to keep _you _around? (Alejandro stares at him.)

Alejandro: Umm…

Cody: Just messin' with ya, buddy. I'm in on the plan. (He gives Alejandro a thumbs up.)

**Confession Cam**

**Cody: Alejandro's a good friend of mine. I can trust him. Except for that time he photo-shopped that picture of me and Heather together… and that time that he knocked me off the platform into shark-infested waters… (He chuckles nervously.) **

**Alejandro: While throwing the challenge is what I must do if I want to say goodbye to Trent, there is always the risk that my team will, for some reason, turn against me. Why would they turn against me? It's not like I was responsible for the elimination of every single male member of my team last season! Well, maybe I was… **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: Wakey Wakey! We've got a big day ahead of us! Lots of torture to endure! Meet me at the docks in ten minutes, campers! (He skips away. There are groans as the campers put on their clothes and exit their cabins. Gwen, however, is smiling.)

Gwen (patting her whole body): No explosions last night? No bugs found crawling in my clothes? No random markings I didn't have the night before? I knew Izzy's absence would be beneficial!

Beth: I know. A few nights ago, Izzy tried to stuff me into a trash bag and ship me to Pakistan! She said I was the only one who could take down Al Qaeda! (Suddenly, Alejandro comes up and puts a hand on her shoulder.)

Alejandro: I feel your pain, senorita. Izzy's presence can be taxing on many. I myself have found that she has quite the obsession with stealing my pants. But that is beside the point. Although you find Izzy annoying, who can you really not stand? Who would you vote off if you could?

Beth: You. (Alejandro scowls.)

Alejandro: Besides me.

Beth: Um… probably Cody. He's been really annoying.

Alejandro: Besides Cody.

Beth: Courtney, I guess.

Alejandro (frustrated): Besides Courtney!

Beth: Well, then Trent. (Alejandro smiles.)

Alejandro: So it seems Trent is your top pick to go. You stick with me, and I can let that happen. That, senorita, is a promise. (He jams a finger into her chest to mark his point. However, it makes it seem as if he just fondled her breast.)

Beth: Oh, so _that's _what you want from me! (She grabs Alejandro and hurls him into the bushes. Meanwhile, Bridgette has exits the cabin, and sighs.)

Bridgette: We're going to the docks? That doesn't sound good. We're probably doing more water challenges.

Ezekiel: Water challenges, eh? Oh boy! Me grandma used to take me synchronized swimmin' all the time!

Geoff: "Synchronized swimming"? That's for old women, dude.

Ezekiel: Hey, doon't everyone have a little bit of "old woman" in them? (Geoff isn't paying attention, however. Instead, he is nudging Tyler.)

Geoff: I can't wait to see Katie's facial expression when she finds out we booted Sierra! (Tyler shrugs nervously.)

Tyler: I don't know, man. She's gonna be pretty mad. She might try to rip one of our heads off.

Geoff: Then she'll go for Harold. His head certainly is the biggest. (Suddenly, Harold appears out of nowhere, and jams a finger into Geoff's chest.)

Harold: I would watch your mouth, faithful opponent. While one should be confident, never cocky should they be. It is not what Confucius wanted. While I respect your ways, I do not apply them to my own daily life. I am one with nature throughout my existence. You are, in fact, coinciding with the greater forces, and could very well haunt you in the later rounds of this ongoing battle. (Suddenly, he realizes that the rest of his team has left, and he is pointing at midair. Harold scowls.) You win this round. But many more are to come. Mark the words of a seasoned samurai. Many more are to come! (Courtney chuckles as she walks by with Trent.)

Courtney: Wow. What a loser. Right, Trent? (She turns to him, and sees that he is intensely watching Alejandro, who is chatting with Gwen.)

Trent: The Spaniard seems to be very interested in chatting with the enemy, don't you think?

Courtney: You're right. In fact, it seems he's been talking to everyone _but _us.

Trent: Eh, he's probably just going by the "Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer" motto.

Courtney: He could be plotting your downfall.

Trent (chuckling): Courtney, you're so weird. Alejandro's too loyal to plot my downfall! (Meanwhile, Alejandro is finishing talking with Gwen.)

Alejandro: So you get how I'm plotting Trent's downfall, right?

Gwen: Yep. But are you sure about throwing a challenge? It could come back to haunt you.

Alejandro: I don't believe in karma.

Gwen: Even after the season where you tricked people to no end, and because of that, made it to the finals, were you were kneed in the groin and sent sliding down a volcano on an icecube, and later trampled by the contestants and soaked in lava?

Alejandro: Must people keep referring to that? Geez! But you will help with the throwing of the challenge, right? (Gwen shrugs.)

Gwen: I guess. But it could mean bad news for both of us later.

Alejandro: Puh-lease, Gwen. Things will be fine. (Right after he says this, he trips over a rock, and his face smashes into the ground.)

Gwen: Watch your step, buddy.

Alejandro: Mmmph.

**Confession Cam**

**Gwen: Man. Alejandro? Throwing a challenge? Isn't that kind of, I don't know, Trent-like? It's bringing back a lot of bad memories of Season 2, I tell you that much. **

**Tyler: I haven't been shining in the challenges as much as I'd like to. But today, this Tyler's going all out! Woo! Watch out, Screaming Ivy! Get ready for the Killer Redwoods to end their losing streak! **

**End of Confessionals**

**Dock**

Tyler: Okay, Chris, we're here. You give me the challenge, and I'll challenge your give!

Chris (wearing a bathrobe): Ahh… is it just me, or is today a really nice day?

Courtney: It's just you.

Chris: Nah, I really feel like today's a great day. Now, as you know, Katie, Noah, DJ, and Izzy are all out on a cruise, enjoying the water, the weather, and the fact that they aren't losers like the twelve of you. But, something quite unfortunate has actually happened. Now…

Bridgette: Um, what's that? (She points at the water, where Chef's head from the front of the cruise line has floated in.)

Lindsay: AHHHH! Chef! He's been decapitated! Wait… what does decapitated mean?

Geoff: Dude, is that seriously Chef's head? That's so sick! (Suddenly, Chef walks over, sipping a pina colada.)

Lindsay: Okay, now I'm really confused.

Chef (beckoning to the replica of his head, still floating in the water): Can't you morons tell it's made of wood? Sheesh!

Cody: Wait a minute. If you're here, then who's steering the boat? (Chef chuckles)

Chef: Nobody.

Cody: Alrighty then.

Chris: And that explains today's challenge. Noah, Katie, Izzy, and DJ have all been stranded on a deserted island. It is far out, past Lake Wawanakwa, probably even past the ocean!

Harold: It can't be past the ocean. It's physically impossible.

Chris: Whatever. Anyways, your team must try to rescue your team members by building a raft and riding it to the deserted island. There will be numerous obstacles along the way. Your stranded teammates have been given instructions to send out signals to let you know where they are.

Chef: Oops. I forgot to give the instructions to them.

Chris: All the better. So, rescuing your teammates. That's your goal for today.

Trent: What if we don't want to? I mean, this is Noah and Izzy we're talking about.

Alejandro: We want our team to be as strong as possible, do we not? (Trent crosses his arms.)

Trent: Meh.

Tyler: Sounds great, Chris! Now let's pump up the pump! Pump pump!

Chris: Not so fast. There's a reward challenge to get to. The team that wins this will get quite a nice reward: a fully made raft. They won't have to build their own.

Ezekiel: We don't want that reward! We want to build our raft! It builds character, eh!

Bridgette: Don't listen to him. We want the reward, Chris.

Chris: Okay. And what is this "character" you speak of? Anyways, each of the teams, pick your strongest player.

Tyler: Ooo! Me! Me! (He turns to Bridgette, Harold, Geoff, and Ezekiel.) This is my moment. This is the time to finally prove myself.

Bridgette: Knock yourself out.

Harold: With Tyler, that's most likely. (Meanwhile, Alejandro has volunteered himself for the Screaming Ivy.)

Courtney (suspiciously): Really, Alejandro? You're sure you can win this for us?

Alejandro: Of course. (He casts a sideways glance at Gwen, Noah, and Cody.)

Chris: Alright. Tyler and Alejandro, step on over here. (Tyler and Alejandro troop over to what appears to be a boxing ring.)

Tyler: Alright! I love fighting!

Chris: Good. Because the two of you will be performing Ssireum, a traditional Korean martial art, against each other!

Harold: I love Ssireum! It involves clearing the mind and soul, and finding peace within one's body.

Chris: Not exactly. Pretty much, you two will each wear a sash. Grabbing on to each other—

Harold: Gosh! You must've not read up on your Ssireum, because it in fact _does_ require quite a bit of—

Chris: I don't care! Anyways, the two of you will grab on to the other's sash. The first person to have another part of their body besides their feet touch the ground loses. Also, if you let go of the other person's sash, you lose as well.

Tyler: So we can punch each other?

Chris: Of course you can punch each other!

Alejandro: Must I punch him? Where I come from, it is not right to hit females. (Tyler glares at him.)

Tyler: Get ready to go DOWN, Al!

Courtney: Alejandro, this is like, the easiest thing you could do. You better not lose.

Alejandro: Why would I lose? (He smiles at her.)

Chris: First things first, you dudes need to put these super skimpy sashes on. (He holds up two sashes, which look more like thongs.)

Alejandro: Wonderful. (He rips off his shirt, making most of the girl's swoon. He throws the piece of clothing to the side, and it lands on Tyler's face, making him fall over. Chris scowls when Alejandro starts taking off his pants.)

Chris: What are you doing? Go change in the bathroom! This isn't a porno! (Alejandro shrugs, and walks to the bathroom, followed by Tyler.)

Chris: Now that he's gone, there's still one more thing to get to. (He takes off his bathrobe, showing that he too is wearing a sash.)

Bridgette: Chris! Put some pants on!

Chris: No way. This show needs fan service.

Gwen: Yes, but "fan service" isn't a middle-aged man in a thong!

Chris: Not true. Besides, the referee must be wearing the traditional clothing, as well. (Before Gwen can argue, Alejandro and Tyler walk back out of the bathroom, wearing their sashes. While Alejandro looks completely comfortable, Tyler is shivering and glancing around nervously.)

Lindsay: OMG! Albert, you look so sexy!

Alejandro: Thank you, Lindsay. (He starts flexing his chest muscles proudly.)

Tyler: What about me?

Ezekiel: You look even sexier, Tyler! (Noticing the stares from his teammates, he shrugs.) What? I thought he could use the encouragement, eh.

Alejandro (still flexing his chest muscles): Shall we enter the arena, now, Chris?

Chris: Go right on in. But stop doing that weird chest flex thing! It's kind of creeping me out. (Tyler and Alejandro both climb up the steps into the boxing ring, and face each other.)

Chris: Okay, now grab on to each other's sash. (Alejandro and Tyler both reach out and awkwardly grab hold of one another.) Ready to begin?

Tyler: I'm ready! (He grins at Alejandro.) This is payback, Al. You've stolen my Lindsay for far long enough.

Alejandro: Your breath smells horrible!

Tyler: All the better. It'll be an advantage in the fight.

Chris: Okay… let the match begin! (Tyler and Alejandro both stare at each other, neither one moving.)

Geoff: C'mon, Tyler! Take out La Cucaracha! Remember… he called you a girl. (Tyler's teeth clench, and he lashes out at Alejandro's chest with his foot. The latino makes no sign of dodging, and Tyler's heel slams straight into Alejandro's rib cage. There is a crack. Tyler pulls his foot away to find its toes twisting in every direction. He swallows tears, and continues holding on. Alejandro leans over, and starts whispering in Tyler's ear.)

Alejandro: I'm going to let you win. But you have to work with me. Okay? Now, you're going to punch me in the chest. I'm going to look shaken, but keep going. Then, I'll slap your face. I won't use all my force, but still, make it look like you felt pain. Now after that, all you have to do is swipe your left foot across my ankles, tripping me to the ground. You'll have won the match. Do you understand?

Tyler: Nope. But I do understand one thing. And that's that you're going down! (He punches Alejandro in the arm. It makes little more than a slight tap. However, Alejandro really plays it up for the audience. Crying out in pain, he slaps at Tyler, but only very lightly.)

Courtney: Come on! I wanna see blood!

Chris: You sick, sick girl. (He takes out a bathtub.)

Courtney: What's that for?

Chris: What do you think? To collect all the blood! After all, blood from a Total Drama contestant gets good money.

Courtney: And you call _me _sick? (Meanwhile, Alejandro and Tyler are taking jabs at each other.)

Alejandro: C'mon! Hit me with a good one! (He whispers in Tyler's ear again.) I need to hide the fact that I'm throwing the challenge.

Tyler: I'll give you a good one! (His hand travels towards Alejandro's face, but misses completely, and his hand comes back around to hit himself in the face. Tyler bites his lip, tears streaming down his cheeks. However, he gathers enough strength to punch Alejandro in the face. This one makes a slight cracking noise. Alejandro smiles at Tyler, before letting go of the jock's sash and falling to the ground.)

Chris: Tyler… won? (The Killer Redwoods cheer, while the Screaming Ivies shake their heads in disbelief. Tyler grins.)

Tyler: Ha! Finally! Alejandro is taken down! (Alejandro smiles at him from the ground.)

Alejandro: I am proud of you, amigo. It was a good fight. Now, will you help me up?

Tyler: Sure thing. (He helps the pretty boy up, and Alejandro faces his team.)

Courtney: What was that? It looked like you weren't even trying!

Alejandro: I am sorry. But we must leave the past behind us, and move on to the future.

Chris: Despite this extremely strange turn of events, we still need to move on with the challenge, so Killer Redwoods, here is your raft. (He hurls a large raft at Ezekiel, crushing him.)

Tyler: Yes! Our losing streak ends! (Together, the Killer Redwoods lift the raft, and place it in the water.)

Chris: Screaming Ivy… you guys better hurry and get your materials. You're going to fall pretty far behind if you don't.

Gwen: There's not a piece of driftwood anywhere!

Chris: Hmm… well, it looks like your cabin could lose some weight.

**Confession Cam **

**Alejandro: This is great! It couldn't have worked out more perfectly. Now that we have to build our raft, there's almost no way we'll win! **

**Bridgette: That Alejandro… he's an odd one. Sometimes I really don't understand his tactics. Thank god I'm not on his team. **

**Ezekiel: That Alejandro… he's got integrity, eh. He wasn't even a poor sport fer losing. He's a good man. Good heart. Nice abs. Juicy butt. (He realizes what he just said.) Oops. I'm not gay, eh. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Deserted Island**

(Noah, DJ, Katie, and Izzy sit on the beach, soaking wet.)

Noah: Do you think we'll ever get saved?

Izzy: I hope not. This is fun! (She kicks sand in Katie's face.) Gotcha!

Katie: Why, you little…

Izzy: DJ! Why the long face, soldier? (She throws a coconut at his head. It bounces off, and DJ sighs.)

DJ: What if we're never saved? We've been here for so long… my mind… it's lost all sense of time… (He collapses in the sand.)

Noah: We've been here for five minutes, dude.

Katie: We better get rescued soon. I refuse to wait much longer! And when we get back, we better be treated to immunity and foot massages.

Noah: Well, I'm enjoying the solitude. (He lays back. Suddenly, a huge explosion sends him flying up into the air and over to another part of the island. Nobody notices. However, Katie sees the smoke from the explosion.)

Katie: Wait a minute. Was that an explosion? (She walks over to the ground where Noah sat, which is now scorched.) If this whole thing involves land mines, it involves Chris. And that means… this is all part of some challenge!

DJ: You mean… he purposely stranded us on a deserted island?

Katie: It happened once, back in Total Drama Island. It could happen again.

Izzy: I get it now! Chris must want us to build a raft to get away from here!

DJ: Um… I'm pretty sure Chef was just drunk.

Katie: No, this is part of a challenge. I'm positive! We have to build a raft! DJ, go gather driftwood.

Izzy: Here, I have a pair of Alejandro's pants! We can use them as a sail. Here, DJ, catch! (She hurls the pants at the brickhouse, which land on his face and make him topple over.)

Katie: Why do you have a pair of Alejandro's pants? (Izzy chuckles.)

Izzy: Silly girl. Must we really ask such stupid questions? (She walks away, chuckling.)

**Confession Cam**

**Katie: Never thought I'd have to team up with the crazy girl for anything. But now we have to build a raft together! (Suddenly, Izzy bursts in, grabs the toilet, and rips it out of the ground.) **

**Izzy: This'll be perfect. (She cackles, and walks back out, with the toilet tucked under her arm. Katie stares at her in confusion. **

**Waterfront**

Geoff: Ahh… finally, we're in the lead! (His team sits on their raft as it slowly floats away from the island.)

Bridgette: Okay… so Chris said there'd be obstacles. What do you think he meant by that?

Harold: Whatever it is, I'll be ready. I have my seafaring badge in boy scouts! (He dips his feet in the water.) An eagle scout can tell the currents just by using his feet. Hm. It appears that it's coming from the west, with a slight—(Suddenly, he is pulled underwater by something.)

Ezekiel: Where'd he go?

Tyler: H-H-Harold? (He looks down at the water, and sees a shadow moving underneath. The Jaws theme music starts playing.)

Geoff: Dudes, it's fine. (He reaches for his hat, which was sitting next to him, but finds it not there anymore.) What the? (He pats the spot where his hat was frantically.) My hat! Where'd it go? I gotta find it! (He dives into the water headfirst. Ezekiel, Tyler, and Bridgette wait nervously for him to come back up, but he doesn't.)

Bridgette: D-do you think this is what Chris meant by "obstacles"? (She swallows nervously. Tyler and Ezekiel just stare at the water, sweating. Suddenly, a creature bursts up out of the water and grabs onto the raft.)

Ezekiel: AHHH! Get away! (He grabs one of the paddles and starts hitting it on the head. The attacker shrieks in pain, and Bridgette recognizes the voice.)

Bridgette: Courtney?

Courtney (still clinging to the raft): You idiots aren't going anywhere! You are _not _getting an advantage! Oh yeah, and take your losers, too. (She throws Geoff and Tyler's unconscious bodies onto the raft. Tyler's eyes burst open, and he scowls.)

Tyler: I won this advantage fair and square!

Courtney: Only because Alejandro threw the challenge! (She starts tearing the raft apart. Ezekiel grabs two paddles, and starts smashing both of them against her face.)

Ezekiel: Stay back! I'm warnin' ya! (Courtney tries to hold on, but finally, she let's go. The raft floats away, without her being able to catch up with it.)

Courtney: AUUGGGHH!

**Confession Cam**

**Courtney: Alejandro will pay. You can't lose a challenge against Tyler and get away with it!**

**End of Confessionals**

Courtney: Well, this is great. Just great! (The Screaming Ivy team is ripping away planks of wood from their cabin.) Because of _you_… (She jams a finger into Alejandro's chest.) We have to decimate our cabin!

Alejandro: Senorita, please. Everything is perfectly fine. Now, if we are to make a raft, I must find the string. (He troops off to the Mess Hall. Courtney scowls as he walks off.)

Lindsay: OMG, this is so bad! (She looks at the hole they've made in the cabin wall.) It's gonna get really like, cold at night.

Cody: Whatever. It always gets way too humid in the cabin, what with Alejandro and his toxic cologne.

Trent: And all your makeout sessions with your pillow.

Cody: I don't do that!

Trent: Yeah you do. Your tongue is always covered in feathers in the morning.

Gwen: Well so far, we've only taken planks away from the girls' side. It's time to take some planks from the guys' side!

Cody: No no no! You can't do that!

Gwen (her hands on her hips): Why not?

Cody: Because… um, your planks of wood are juicier. We want the strongest raft possible, right? (Gwen stares at him suspiciously.)

Gwen: What are you up to?

Cody: Nothing! Just keep taking the planks away. We almost have a big enough hole in the wall.

Beth: A big enough hole in the wall for what?

Cody: For, um… observation?

Gwen: You want to spy on us, you little perv!

Cody: That is not true, and the binoculars in my left pocket do not hold evidence against that. (Gwen rolls her eyes, and rips away a plank of wood from the guys' side of the cabin.)

Trent: Hey! You can't do that! That's right next to my bed!

Cody: We all have to make sacrifices, Trent.

Trent: I'm about to sacrifice your face with the back of my hand, geek boy! (He looks at the line of wood planks they have.) Stupid. They're so uneven. (He kicks them all, until they're lying in messy heaps.) There. That's better.

Beth: Trent, are you okay?

Trent: No, I'm not okay! I'll never be okay! Why would you think I'm okay? My whole existence is not okay! I've never been okay, and I'm not okay right now! Okay?

Lindsay: So are you okay? (Trent slaps his hand to his forehead, and starts cursing. His team cringes. Suddenly, Chris appears, grinning.)

Chris: Screaming Ivy! Dang, you're behind. (He looks around for Alejandro.) Where's pretty boy?

Cody: Right here! (He grins confidently at Chris, and puts an arm around the host's shoulders.) What do you want from me, my man?

Chris: Um, Cody?

Cody: Yes?

Cody: You're kind of making me feel uncomfortable here. (Cody takes his arm off, and Chris continues.)

Chris: If you guys don't hurry up, you won't stand a chance! Like, I can't even see the Killer Redwoods anymore! They've already crossed over the horizon! (He points at the ground.) What is this? Your team is a complete mess. Planks lying everywhere… team members fighting… this is chaos as we know it!

Courtney: Is that all you came here to do? Just tell us how pathetic we are?

Chris: Yep. Pretty much. Man, I love this job. (He swaggers away. The Screaming Ivy watch him go, and then Lindsay gets up on a log.)

Lindsay: We may be behind, but I believe the Screaming Ivy can pull through! We are strong as a team! We can win this challenge!

Gwen: Do you even know what we're doing right now?

Lindsay: Hmm… playing basketball? (Everyone groans, and then goes back to fighting.)

Courtney: If it weren't for stupid old Alejandro, we would be cruising up the rapids as we speak!

Gwen: Hey! He just didn't succeed! There are plenty have times where you've let _your_ team down.

Courtney: Name one time.

Gwen: Phobia Factor, ring a bell?

Courtney: Oh, I can't believe you would go there! (Beth notices Cody tearing away more planks from the girls' cabin wall.)

Beth: Hey! Don't think you can get away with that just while we're arguing! (She grabs Cody, and tries to tug him off the wall. Throughout all this, Trent is cursing his head off.)

Lindsay: Hmm… I guess we weren't playing basketball.

**Waterfront**

Ezekiel: And then I said, "If yer gonna send me a moose, at least give me some gravy on the side"! (Geoff and Tyler burst out laughing, while Bridgette giggles. Harold, however, remains solemn as the raft floats along.)

Geoff: Dude, that's classic. My turn. I got a pretty good story. One time, I was out at some massive party. I danced like hell, took off my pants… you know, the usual. It was a great time! Anyways, I was out on the balcony, when this dude came out. And this guy bet me that I couldn't make out with fifty girls in five hours.

Bridgette: What happened?

Geoff: I made out with fifty girls in five hours.

Ezekiel: Ha! That's great. (However, Bridgette isn't smiling.)

Bridgette: How long ago was this?

Geoff: I think it was my tenth birthday party. Yeah, that seems about right.

Bridgette: How old were these girls?

Geoff: Twenty years old, thirty years old… I don't know!

Harold: Oh yeah? Well at _my _tenth birthday party, I invited all my friends, and we played World of Warcraft for twenty-three hours straight. And by the end, we were ranked number one in the world! We celebrated by eating tater tots, drinking pistachio milkshakes, and watching our favorite Star Trek and Dr. Who episodes. (He crosses his arms, grinning proudly.)

Bridgette: As fascinating as this is, can't we talk about something else now? Like global warming, or politics?

Tyler: Or female wrestling!

Geoff: Right on, dude! I love that stuff! (Bridgette sighs, and takes out a magazine.)

**Confession Cam **

**Bridgette: As conniving as she may seem, I still wish Katie were here. She might provide a little sanity. But for now, it seems I'm stuck with four weird guys. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Back at Camp**

Courtney: Where is Alejandro? He's been gone for fifteen minutes!

Cody: Does it matter? Here, let's play a game. How about spin the bottle?

Courtney: Do you not realize we're in the middle of a challenge? (Suddenly, Alejandro returns, wearing a shower cap, his hair soaking wet. A towel is draped over his shoulder.)

Trent: Wait a minute. Did you just take a shower?

Alejandro: I did. It is important to be fresh and clean for challenges.

Courtney: Tell me you at least got the rope.

Alejandro: It's right here. (He takes it out, and hands it to her.)

Gwen: That rope looks awfully weak. (Alejandro winks at her, and starts tying the planks of wood together.)

Alejandro: It will work. I promise.

Beth: Okay, we still need paddles. If we paddle fast enough, we could be able to catch up with the other team!

Lindsay: Why would we need paddles for basketball?

Trent: I got some paddles right here. (He grabs some pieces of driftwood.) We'll have to have our three strongest men on the paddles. So, one paddle for me, one for Alejandro, and one for… darn, no other men on the team.

Cody: What about me?

Trent: Oops. Forgot. (He hands Cody a paddle.) Try not to dislocate your arm.

Alejandro: There! All done! (He beckons to the raft.)

Courtney: This better float.

Alejandro: It will. Why would it not? (He places it in the water, and it immediately sinks.) Oops. I guess it didn't float. We'll have to start over, I guess.

Courtney: That's it! You're not helping anymore! (She grabs Alejandro, and ties him up using the remaining rope. However, the latino smiles.)

Alejandro: Such ferocity I admire.

**Confession Cam**

**Alejandro: By then, I knew there was practically no hope for my team. And I was happy as could be. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Deserted Island**

Izzy: And… off we go! (She pushes off, and the raft begins to float across the water. A gust of wind blows, and Alejandro's pants puff up, catching the wind. Katie, DJ, and Izzy watch as the deserted island becomes smaller and smaller behind them.)

Katie: Good to leave that place.

Izzy (scanning around the raft): Let's see… there's Katie, DJ, and I… we've got about twenty coconuts to share… we've got the necessary essentials, such as a CD of Michael Jackson's Greatest Hits… but is it me, or are we forgetting something?

DJ: Nah… it's probably just you.

Izzy: Yeah, you're probably right. (She cracks open a coconut, and drinks the milk.)

**Confession Cam**

**Noah: Why does nobody ever notice I'm missing? **

**End of Confessionals**

**Waterfront**

Bridgette: Okay, now we've got some obstacles. (Sticking out of the water is a maze of spiky buoys, bobbing back and forth in the water. There is very little room to get past.)

Harold: Hmm… this requires very difficult steering… luckily, I'm an excellent sailor! (He takes out a paddle, and starts paddling straight towards the maze. Ezekiel and Geoff both clutch their hats, in fear of them snagging on a buoy.)

**Deserted Island**

Noah: Great… just great… (He looks over at the raft carrying DJ, Katie, and Izzy as it passes over the horizon.) Way to leave me behind! What am I, Tyler? (He chuckles to himself.) Heh. That never gets old. (He sits down in the sand.)

Noah: So let's think, Noah. You're all alone. All you have is a few mangoes and a 500-page novel you've been wanting to read. (He suddenly smiles.) I think this could be exactly what the doctor ordered. (He leans back in the sand, takes out his book, and starts reading it, biting into a mango as he does so.)

Noah: Ahh… this is just the kind of life I wanted. Away from people. Away from social interaction. What sort of being would not want this? (He chuckles again, and continues reading.)

**For just how long will Noah enjoy the solitude? **

**Can the Killer Redwoods finally win a challenge? **

**What sort of other drama will occur with the Screaming Ivy? **

**Where will Izzy, DJ, and Katie end up? **

**And can Chris even control where this challenge is going? **

**See here in the next crazy chapter of **

**Total Drama Returns!**

**NEXT TIME: **The race continues, but starts to span day after day. Both teams start to starve out on their rafts. Extra crazy obstacles do not help the predicament. Meanwhile, a certain bookworm begins to lose his mind as his solitary confinement on a deserted island continues.


	29. Day 9 Part 2: Stranded

The Cheesebub's Message: **PLEASE READ THIS!** Another late update, I know. I'm really trying as hard as I can. Plus, I go back to school tomorrow. However, that doesn't mean longer updates. In fact, it could mean quicker ones. For now, however, there is an important matter that I need to discuss. Okay, so I know some of you have seen the most recent season of Survivor, the show Total Drama is based off of. This season, they had a thing called Redemption Island, where when a contestant was voted off the team, instead of leaving the game, he or she was taken to the area known as Redemption Island. Once there, they had to live completely by themselves. When the next contestant was voted off, that person was also sent to Redemption Island. Those two people faced off in a duel challenge which was watched by two members each from both teams in an arena. The winner remained in the game, and continued living at Redemption Island. The loser was removed from the game. At a pre-determined point in the game, the person remaining at Redemption Island had a chance to return to the game and be reunited with the remaining players. Now, I had an idea of using this in Total Drama Returns. But I wasn't thinking of having it introduced until the Final 15. Now, I have two different storylines: one for Total Drama Returns with Redemption Island, now called "Redemption Cabin", and Total Drama Returns without it. I know Redemption Island wasn't that popular during Survivor, but the storyline for Total Drama Returns with Redemption Cabin is, in my opinion, better and more dramatic. However, you get to decide. There's a poll on my user page, asking you whether you want Redemption Cabin in the story or not. You choose. **PLEASE VOTE.** Also: there is a new review number, just letting you know. And Cottontop, I sent you a PM telling you the prizes. If you could tell me what you want, that'd be great.

**QueenofthePuckabrinas—**Thank you. And I had lots of fun on my vacation :)

**Flutejrp—**Thank you as well. Massachussetts is a really cool place, and I loved visiting Boston.

**Clarissa—**I'll put it to you this way… Trent and Courtney are, um, kind of, sorta, maybe getting together. You want Duncan and Courtney back together. Yeah, I guess that couple is pretty popular.

**NerdyBarista—**I can definitely see Chef doing what Izzy described. Gwen definitely has a point when it comes to karma; in Survivor, the Zapatera members threw a challenge to get rid of a member they didn't trust, giving the other team momentum, and Zapatera was literally obliterated after that. Yeah, I felt Tyler needed a "shining" moment, because he was kind of a background character, at least, that's how I felt. Izzy could definitely be a little bit of a kleptomaniac… we'll have to see. Alejandro's interference could definitely come back to haunt him, but who knows? He's Alejandro, after all. He's pretty good at dodging bullets. Looking over this chapter, I actually really didn't like how I wrote insane Noah; he was either too insane at some points, or too sane; it was all clunky.

**Chibirox—**Yep, Noah loses his mind. Crazy, I know. But still, like I said to NerdyBarista, I felt like I wrote it poorly.

**Cottontop—**In case you didn't get my PM with the prizes, you can either design your own episode that WILL appear in this fic, or have your OC automatically in my OC Total Drama competition story. You could also come up with your own prize, as long as it's in reason. And yes, I could include a reference or two, if that's what you want. Really? You nominated me? That's really nice of you. Coolio.

**Jacky Dupree—**I miss Owen, too. We all do, really. Chef is not a fun drunk; I'll tell you that much. If you don't like DJ being a wuss, prepare yourself, cause he gets a whole lot wussier this chapter. Izzy's just psychotic and random like that. That's what makes us all love her. Yeah, right now, there really is no point for Harold being there, except for telling us useless information. But that's just now the loser roles. Yeah, Trent's not at the top of his game right now, but all villains have flaws. I couldn't make him perfect, because looking at Season 2, we all saw exactly how messed up he was. I agree, Gwen is awesome, Chris is disgusting, and Harold needs to shut up sometime. Yeah, Chris needs to realize he really isn't fanservice. Yeah, I'm trying to make Ezekiel a mix of himself, Owen, and Izzy. Yeah, I just don't know if I can bring myself to call Alejandro a "sexy man" in my fic. I'm a guy, you know. Yep, Lindsay and Noah both get a good dosing of hilarious lines. Yes, imagine having to deal with Izzy all the time! Personally, I think this is just the break Noah needed.

**Nagasha—**Hey, that's what Alejandro thinks. But boy, is he wrong.

**ThomasJ8532—**Thanks; yeah, who would've ever thought Trent and Katie could be so evil? I kind of had to do something for them, they were such empty characters before, especially Katie. I know, I should've used their marriage somehow in that challenge, but I didn't. Proves I'm not too smart.

**monkeylove123—**Things are pretty random in this fic, aren't they? Good to know your liking it, and yeah, now you'll see what a crazy Noah is like.

**Obsessive Duncan Fanboy—**I pride myself on how I write those characters, so thank you. Good to know Trent as a villain is getting more popular by the day. Alejandro x Courtney? Bridgekiel? I don't know. Perhaps, perhaps. A little farfetched, especially for the first one, but perhaps.

* * *

**Day 9 Part 2—Chapter 29: Stranded **

**Waterfront**

Izzy (writing in her journal, and reading aloud): We're into our second hour out here on the waterfront. We're tired, hungry, and somehow feel deprived of sarcastic punchlines. This is most likely due to the fact that we left Noah behind. Oh, well. He was a good soldier. We will later take all his books, and burn them in his honor. Not too many catastrophes have occurred yet. But I'm positive many are to come. Sharks, famine, pirates…

DJ: P-p-pirates?

Izzy (in a pirate voice): Aye, yes. (She turns to DJ a wicked look in her eyes.) Ya ever seen a pirate? (DJ shakes his head, trembling.) Well, ya don't want to. I've had many bad experiences with pirates in my past.

DJ: No you haven't! Heh heh. That's… that's silly! (He chuckles nervously.)

Izzy: That's what you think. But take a look at these here scars! (She pulls off her shirt, and points to her stomach, which has a thin white line going across it.) This was where Captain Chiselbeard slashed my gut.

DJ: I saw you draw that on your stomach an hour ago.

Izzy: Not true. You must already be getting the mirages. Anyways, hunting pirates is a pastime of mine. Haven't done it in a while, though.

DJ: W-what do we do if we c-come across a pirate? (Izzy turns to him, grinning evilly. She licks her lips, and rubs her hands together.)

Izzy: Boom.

DJ: Huh?

Izzy: Boom boom.

DJ: What do you mean by that?

Izzy: Boom boom boom! (She starts cackling madly, and continues writing in her journal. DJ watches her for a little bit, humming nervously. Suddenly, he feels the presence of something lurking behind him. Sweat starts pouring down his face. He calms himself, and turns around. Immediately, he shrieks in fear.)

DJ: MONSTER! (He shoves the thing lurking behind him into the water in panic. There is a loud splash, and Katie sticks her head up from the surface, coughing and cursing.)

Katie: What the f***, DJ?

DJ: Oops. I thought you were a monster. (Katie scowls at him, and rips off a piece of seaweed draped over her head.)

Katie: No, prior to contrary belief, I'm _not _a monster! (She growls at him, glaring fiercely.)

DJ: You kind of look like a monster right now. (He shrinks away in fear.)

**Confession Cam**

**Katie: DJ is like a giant overgrown child. He needs to get over his fears. He has phobias of the stupidest things! **

**DJ (trembling, staring at the window): Window… it wants to kill me… **

**Izzy: Yep, I've seen pirates of all sorts in my days. And every single one of them has ended up with their face stuffed in a blender. (She winks, taking out a blender and displaying it proudly.) **

**End of Confessionals**

**Waterfront (Killer Redwoods)**

Geoff: Well, that went well. (They have just finished steering their raft through the spiky buoys. The raft is completely torn up, but still just holding together. Both Geoff and Ezekiel's hats have numerous holes in them, and everybody's hair is messed up.)

Tyler: I thought you were an expert sailor, Harold!

Harold: When did I say that?

Tyler: Like, last chapter!

Harold: Oh. Well, every sailor makes mistakes, I guess.

Geoff: We seem in pretty good condition. The raft seems pretty weak, but still stable. Only minor punctures to my hat. (He turns to Bridgette and sees that her clothing is completely torn.)

Bridgette: I don't get it. We were traveling on the same raft, but why was _I _the only one who got tears all over my clothes? (Suddenly, Chris flies down on a helicopter.)

Chris: Ah. I see you made it past the "Buoys of Fanservice". But those are only the first obstacles of many. Also, I came to give you this. It's a crate of bananas. (He throws down the crate of bananas to them. Geoff catches it.)

Geoff: A crate of bananas!

Chris: Yeah, that's kind of what I just said. However, this'll be your only food for the challenge. So I'd try to save it.

Ezekiel: Hey. Where'd all the bananas go, eh?

Tyler: Athlete's gotta eat, man.

Bridgette: Wait, are you telling me you just ate all the bananas?

Tyler: Athlete's gotta eat.

Bridgette: That's not answering the question!

Chris: Oh, sorry to hear you guys are already out of bananas! Better hurry up, or you might starve to death! (Chuckling, he flies away on his helicopter. The Killer Redwoods look at Tyler and glare.)

Tyler: What? Athlete's gotta eat, man.

Harold: So do ninjas with mad skillz!

Geoff: Dudes, I know Tyler may have made a moronic mistake, but we shouldn't blame him!

Harold: Yeah we should.

Geoff: I know, we should. But we won't! Cause we're a family!

Ezekiel: Yeah! Family, eh! (He puts an arm around Geoff's shoulder. Geoff stares at him uncomfortably, and shrugs him off.)

Geoff: Yeah… family. But Tyler, do you have anything to say for yourself?

Tyler: Bananas are delicious.

Geoff: True, so true. Okay, you're forgiven.

Harold: You forgave him? Just like that? If I had done it, you wouldn't have forgiven me!

Geoff: Yes we would, Harold. You're family. We're all family!

Harold: A family that's frickin' hungry! Gosh! (He crosses his arms.)

Tyler: I'm hungry, too. Got any more bananas? (Everyone glares at him.)

**Confession Cam**

**Tyler: Yep, I have a super fast metabolism. Gotta have at least 4000 calories a day. One time, I ate all my underwear. Didn't regret that decision. Underwear sucks, man! **

**End of Confessionals**

**Back at Camp (Screaming Ivy)**

Courtney: There. Finally! We're done again. (She inspects the new raft they've built.) Looks even better than before.

Beth: No it doesn't!

Courtney: Shut up! It's good enough! (She puts it in the water.) Ha! See? It floats! Now, we have two paddles. Trent, one for you. (She hurls it to him, and it hits him in the face.) Oops. Sorry. Alejandro… (She walks over to the sexy man, still tied up.) I'll untie you, but you have to promise not to be a nuisance to the team.

Alejandro: I will be as easy as a Mexican cucumber.

Courtney: Uhh… okay. (She unties him. The latino gets up, and starts squatting up and down.)

Gwen: What are you doing?

Alejandro: Stretching. Stretching is good for one's mind and soul. (He starts stretching his arms, and then rotates his head a full 360 degrees around his neck.)

Trent: We don't have time for stretching, dude.

Alejandro: There is always time for stretching. Cody, muchacho, join me.

Cody: Oh yeah! Stretchin' it up! (He starts squatting alongside Alejandro, and winks at Gwen as he does so.)

Lindsay: I wanna stretch! (She starts bending over to touch her toes.)

Courtney: No stretching! Got it?

Trent (watching Lindsay stretch, a perverted gleam in his eyes): Eh, stretching sounds fine to me.

Courtney: You pervert!

_**Two hours later… **_

**Killer Redwoods (Waterfront)**

Geoff: So… hungry… WHERE'S MY LUCKY CHARMS?

Bridgette: Who cares about food? Look at all these tears in my clothes.

Tyler: Heh… she kind of looks like a pirate.

Ezekiel: Pirate? Yeah, she does, eh! She looks a lot like a pirate!

Geoff: I see it now. A super hot pirate, might I add.

Bridgette: Uh, thanks, I guess.

Tyler: Have you guys seen that one movie? Pirate Revenge III?

Geoff: Loved it, dude! Especially that part where that guy walked the plank!

Harold: Isn't that like, the whole movie? Just people walking planks?

Geoff: Yes, but in a very artistic style. You wouldn't understand it.

Ezekiel: Pirates are the best, eh! I've always wanted to be a pirate! Back when I was a wee child, I wanted to have a hook for a hand. After all, it's very useful for picking one's nose.

Harold: Hm. I'll look into that. I've tried many things to pick my nose. Never tried a hook.

Bridgette: Enough with this talk of picking noses! It's disgusting!

Ezekiel: Say! I have a great idea, eh!

Bridgette: Does it involve picking your nose?

Ezekiel: No. Here's my idea: we all love pirates, right? Well, we could form our own band of pirates! I'll be Captain Zeke, eh. There'll be Bridgebeard, Scurvy Tyler, Geoff the Baron, and Pirate Harold Bloodfoam! We can make a pirate flag, and sing pirate shanties, and wear hooks for hands! Hoo aboot it?

Tyler: Eh, whatever. I'm game. It keeps my mind off bananas. And anyway, it's not like there's some crazy person out on the water who hunts pirates as a pastime and stuffs their faces in blenders.

Bridgette: Is it just me, or did that statement sound way too much like dramatic irony?

Ezekiel: Dramatic ironing? I've ironed before, but I didn't know it could be dramatic, eh. Noo hoo aboot that?

Bridgette: No, that's not what I meant—

Ezekiel: Say, it seems like you could use some dramatic ironing on your clothes. Might fix em. (Bridgette groans, and slaps her hand to her forehead.)

**Confession Cam**

**Bridgette: It gets harder by the day to deal with Ezekiel. He just gets weirder and weirder! **

**Ezekiel: I'm crazy, alright. But underneath all this craziness, I'm still in it to win it. That's what I came here to do, and I'm not backing doon. My team thinks I'm all psycho. But I still have plenty of the competitive Zeke still in me, eh! **

**End of Confessionals**

**Waterfront (Katie, Izzy, DJ)**

Izzy: As we make our way back to camp, look for any suspicious flags. We want to take down any pirates we see.

Katie (a towel wrapped around her, her hair soaking wet): There's no way we'll see a pirate out here.

Izzy: That's what you think. But seeing is believing.

Katie: What does that have to do with anything?

Izzy: Nothing. Just thought I'd quote "The Polar Express". DJ, what do you see?

DJ: Nothing. Just water.

Izzy: No pirates?

DJ: No pirates.

Izzy: Still no pirates?

DJ: No pirates.

Izzy: How about now? Any pirates?

DJ: No pirates.

Izzy: Still no—

Katie: Stop! There are no pirates, and there never will be! Good god! You're hurting me mentally!

Izzy: There are pirates. They are here. We will find them!

Katie: No we won't! We're heading straight to Camp Wawanakwa, so we can inform them that we left Noah behind!

DJ: Ohh… poor Noah. I wonder what he's doing right now…

**Deserted Island**

Noah: Ahhh… good times. (He has finished his book, and puts it down. After taking a bite of mango, he closes it.) Okay, onto the next one. (He feels around in the sand, but finds no book.) No… book? (He swallows deeply.) Whatever, Noah. You don't need books to entertain yourself. Besides, you've had your period of solitude. Chris will surely come rescue you in a few hours.

_**A few hours later… **_

Noah (talking to himself): Okay… so it's early evening, and Chris still hasn't come and rescued you… but so what? There's plenty of stuff to do. Plus, no one's here, so… (He takes off his pants.) There… that's better. (Noah lies down in the sand, and starts rolling around on the ground in his underwear.) Ahh… such relaxation. And it's not like some cameraman's filming me right now, or something.

**Confession Cam**

**Noah: Note to self: You're always being filmed. (He slaps his hand to his forehead and sighs.) **

**End of Confessionals**

**Waterfront (Screaming Ivy)**

Courtney: Okay, you two, you're doing great! Keep at the paddling! (The Screaming Ivy are out on their raft, and Trent and Alejandro are paddling away.)

Cody: Hey! It looks like we already made it! Land ho! Land ho! (He points to a land mass only a few yards away.)

Beth: That's Wawanakwa Island, Cody.

Cody: Oh. That's… depressing.

Trent: We would all be making more progress, if Al knew how to paddle.

Alejandro: That offends me, señor. I am paddling as well as my Uncle Fernando.

Trent: Well, then your uncle must've been mentally retarded. It seems like you're purposely trying to not row in sync with me!

Alejandro: I am trying my hardest.

Trent: Well, your hardest sucks! Give the paddle to someone else!

Alejandro: Lindsay, how about it? (He hands her the paddle.)

Lindsay (cheerfully): Sure! (She takes the piece of wood and then chucks it as far out into the water as possible.)

Beth: Lindsay! Why'd you do that?

Lindsay: Huh? We weren't having a wood-chucking competition?

Courtney: No, you moron! God, I can't believe you just did that.

Alejandro: However, it was quite the excellent toss. Great velocity. Nice distance. (He pats Lindsay on the back.)

Courtney: Don't you be congratulating her! (She rips out a plank from the raft, and hands it to Gwen.) Here, Gothy. You try paddling.

Gwen: Why don't _you _paddle?

Courtney: We need my leadership.

Alejandro: Which, I might add, you are doing excellently. Never before have I seen a more passionate leader.

Courtney: Don't you be trying to charm me! Now, Trent and Gwen, paddle! (She looks at Gwen, and sees that she is empty-handed.) Hey! Where'd your paddle go? (Gwen shrugs.)

Gwen: I don't know.

Courtney: What's everyone's problems today? Now we only have one paddle!

Cody: Not to worry. Observe. (He takes out a large motor.) I built this baby out of lunar micosis. It runs on the moon's energy. It can reach speeds of up to 50 miles an hour, and never runs out of fuel.

Beth: Wow. That's… surprisingly amazing. (As Cody grins proudly and hooks the motor on, Alejandro leans over and starts whispering in his ear.)

Alejandro: You're supposed to be _throwing _the challenge. Not making it so it's impossible for us _not _to win!

Cody: Oops. Forgot. (Suddenly, he rips off the motor.)

Courtney: Hey! What are you doing, you dweeb?

Cody: Uhh… this motor doesn't work. Don't need it.

Courtney: You haven't even tried it out!

Cody: Huh? Well, um… (He takes a hammer, and starts smashing the motor, until it is a heap of metallic mess.) See? Doesn't work!

Courtney: Only because you just repeatedly hit it with a hammer!

Cody: No I didn't.

Courtney: Yes you did!

Cody: Nope. No I didn't. (He chuckles nervously, but glances at Alejandro, and flashes a toothy grin. Alejandro just groans.)

**Confession Cam**

**Alejandro: Cody obviously doesn't realize how to hide the fact that he's throwing a challenge. Did you see him? Now Courtney knows exactly what's going on! **

**Courtney: It's too suspicious. Alejandro, Cody, Gwen, and Lindsay are totally trying to throw the challenge! They're evil masterminds. Well, actually, Lindsay's probably just stupid, but that's beside the point. Anyways, I know what they're up to, and I'm already plotting how to take them down. I'm sure Trent is, too. **

**Trent: You know, I really am starting to like cucumbers. (He takes out a cucumber, and starts munching on it.)**

**End of Confessionals**

**Waterfront (Killer Redwoods)**

Ezekiel: Yo ho ho and a bottle of maple syrup, eh! (He has now drawn a skull and crossbones on his toque, and is wearing an eye patch. He also has a hook for a hand and a peg leg.)

Tyler: Dude, how do I look as a pirate? (He is wearing a bandana around his head, and is using a stick as a sword.)

Ezekiel: Like a pirate.

Tyler: Awesome!

Geoff: Almost done with the flag, dude. (Harold looks at it. Geoff has drawn a giant red maple leaf on a sheet of cloth.)

Harold: Geoff, that's the Canadian flag. You're supposed to have drawn a Jolly Rodger! You know, a skull and crossbones?

Geoff: Huh?

Harold: Never mind. You do what you want. (He takes out his Nintendo DS, and starts playing it. However, Ezekiel snatches it out of his hand.)

Ezekiel: No electronics. It aint the pirate way.

Harold: Gosh! Give it back, dude!

Ezekiel: No can do, eh. (He takes the Nintendo DS, and puts it in his pants.) You can have this back later.

Harold: Oh god. I can't believe you just did that. (He shudders.) Now I don't even want to take it. (Meanwhile, Tyler is nudging Bridgette.)

Tyler: Where's your pirate clothing?

Bridgette: No pirate clothing for me, thank you.

Ezekiel: Have my hook. You need something to defend yourself with, after all. (He hands it to her.)

Bridgette: And just what do I need to defend myself from?

Ezekiel: Lots of danger out here on the waterfront. Ya never know when something may attack. Plus, someone's gonna have to approach Katie when we arrive at the deserted island, and I'll doot she'll be too happy. (Bridgette shudders)

Bridgette: Thanks. I think I'll need this.

**Screaming Ivy**

Courtney: Well, this is great. It's late evening, and all we have is one paddle to carry ourselves to a deserted island tons of miles away!

Trent: Oops. Sorry. I kind of tried to hit Gwen with my paddle, and missed, and it kind of slipped out of my hands, so—

Courtney: So now we have nothing! NOTHING!

Alejandro: We have each other.

Courtney: Like I said! Nothing!

Cody (rubbing a duffel bag): As long as I have you, I'll never be unsatisfied.

Beth: What's in there?

Cody: Nothing! (He chuckles.) Certainly nothing inappropriate. (Gwen snatches the bag out of Cody's hands, and opens it. She pulls out a bra.)

Gwen: Ah. I see. More "prizes" of yours.

Cody: That's… that's mine.

Gwen: You don't wear a bra, Cody.

Cody: How do you know?

Courtney: Wait a minute! This gives me an idea! (She takes the biggest bra, belonging to Lindsay, and attaches it to the top of the raft. The bra catches the wind, and the raft starts moving.) A perfect sail!

Cody: See? I knew my pervertedness would be beneficial!

Alejandro: This is wrong. I feel dirty, using a bra as a sail!

Trent: I don't.

Alejandro: Well, your values are obviously different from mine.

Cody: What's wrong with this, Al? Now you have learned that bras have many more uses than you'd expect! Did you know they make excellent dinner mats? (Alejandro glares at him, his fist clenching and unclenching.)

Alejandro: You're really proving to be useful to the team, huh, Cody?

Cody: Yep. Aren't I great? (Alejandro shakes his head in disbelief.)

_**A few hours later…**_

**Deserted Island **

Noah: So… cold… (It's early night, and Noah is freezing.) Where'd my pants go? (He looks everywhere, but can't find them. He staggers around, shivering.)

Noah: Chris… so sadistic… making a man walk around freezing in his underwear… (Suddenly, he sees a video camera sticking out of a tree.) What's this? (He inspects it, and smiles.) Chris, if you're watching this… (He smashes the camera with his fist, and it crumples onto the ground. He stomps on it a few times. Suddenly, his stomach rumbles.)

Noah: Where'd my mangoes go? (He looks around, and sees that his mangoes are also missing, like his pants.) WHERE ARE MY MANGOES? (He charges around, grunting angrily.) I WANT MY MANGOES! (He trips, and faceplants in the sand. The bookworm starts sobbing.)

Noah: Face it, Noah… you're going to die alone… without a trigonometry textbook by your side… you've failed in life! (He lies there, his face in the sand, his tears running across the sand on either side of him.)

**Waterfront (Izzy, DJ, and Katie)**

Izzy: Well, mates, it's been a long day of pirate hunting, but now it's time for a long night. After all, pirates always strike at night.

Katie: If that's the case, why were we searching all day?

Izzy: You dumb landlubbers, and your logic. Must there always be a point?

Katie: Yes.

DJ: Seriously, guys, don't you realize Noah could be dead right now?

Izzy: Nah, definitely not dead. Probably lying in the sand, sobbing with no pants, though.

Katie: How do you know that?

Izzy: I know him quite well, let's just say.

DJ: I think you two actually make a pretty cute couple.

Katie: Are you serious? See, DJ? This proves you have no taste. Especially when it comes to relationships.

Izzy: Probably explains why he's dating you.

Katie: Hey! (Suddenly, Izzy clamps a hand over Katie's mouth.)

Izzy: Shh… do you hear that? The sound of… pirates. They're not too far away. Adjust the sails! Full steam ahead! We are Izzy, DJ, and Katie, and we are here to slay some pirates! Heh. Izzy, DJ, and Katie. Did you know that our initials spell IDK? IDK, the abbreviation for "I don't know"!

Katie: Yep. And I seriously don't know what kind of concussion you suffered when you were a baby.

**Confession Cam**

**Katie: If I make it to the merge, no actually, **_**when **_**I make it to the merge, Izzy's at the top of my list for the boot. She doesn't know when to shut up! And all this pirate business? There are no pirates out on these waters! **

**End of Confessionals**

_**The next morning… **_

**Waterfront (Screaming Ivy)**

(Alejandro sits on the raft, watching the sunrise. He is the only team member awake.)

Alejandro: Ahh… such a beautiful sunrise. With its bright oranges, mellow yellows, and fiery reds, it truly does awaken my mind, my body, and my spirit. (Suddenly, Chris Mclean swoops in on a helicopter.)

Chris: It's just a sunrise, dude, not a drug. (He hands Alejandro a crate of bananas.) Since you guys have made it this far, have some food. Remember, though, this is the only food you'll be getting.

Alejandro: Got it. Do you know if these bananas were grown with the use of chemical growth hormones?

Chris: Most definitely. But seriously, I wouldn't waste those like the Killer Redwoods did. That's seriously the only food you'll get.

Alejandro: Why? Can't you just give us more food? (Chris bursts out laughing, and the helicopter flies away. Alejandro looks at his sleeping teammates, and suddenly smiles.)

Alejandro: Well, you guys should've been awake for this. But you weren't. So… (He throws the crate of bananas into the water.) No food means no success. And no success means no Trent. (He cackles, and watches as the crate of bananas sinks down beneath the surface.)

**Waterfront (Killer Redwoods)**

Bridgette: Uggh… so… hungry…

Tyler: You think _you're _hungry? What about me?

Bridgette: What are you talking about? _You're _the one who ate the entire crate of bananas! We're all a lot hungrier than you are!

Tyler: Not true. I never ate a single banana.

Bridgette: Yeah, you did.

Tyler (scratching his head): I did?

Bridgette: Yeah!

Tyler: Oh. Well, I like bananas.

Bridgette: That doesn't mean you can just eat the entire crate! God, do you realize how hungry we are right now? Do you?

Tyler: Listen, girl, don't be a hater. There's no "I" in "Team".

Bridgette: What does that have to do with anything?

Tyler: But there _is_ an "I" in "I".

Bridgette: …what?

Tyler: See? I told you I improved with my spelling! (He grins proudly.)

Bridgette: What the heck are you talking about? God! You really are an idiot!

Ezekiel: Eh! You two, knock it off! We can't have fighting among the crew, maties! Bridgette, what's wrong?

Bridgette: I'm just hungry, okay?

Geoff: I'm hungry for a good party.

Bridgette (glaring): Like you're tenth birthday party? Where you made out with a ton of women twenty years older than you?

Geoff (a dreamy facial expression on his face): Yeah… (Noticing Bridgette's angry facial expression, he stutters.) Er, I mean, no! No.

_**A few hours later...**_

**Waterfront (Screaming Ivy) **

Cody: Damn. (The Screaming Ivy has just made it through a patch of spiked buoys, and all the girls and Alejandro have their clothing torn.)

Lindsay: Aww… this was my best top, too…

Beth (beckoning to Cody and Trent): How'd you guys come through completely clean? (Suddenly, Chris swoops in on a helicopter.)

Chris: These are what we call, "The Buoys of Fanservice". I think the Killer Redwoods passed by here at least a day or so ago.

Gwen: "The Buoys of Fanservice"?

Chris: Yessir. You see, many perverted mid-adolescent nerds watch this show. We gotta give them what they want. And that's skimpy clothing on females and an occasional Zelda reference.

Alejandro: Then why is _my _clothing torn?

Chris: Eh, Chef's gotta have his fanservice, too. (Alejandro's eyes grow wide in horror, and he pukes over the edge of the raft.)

Courtney: Okay, Chris, we're starving! Now give us some goddamn food!

Chris: No can do. I gave you what you needed. How you wasted it, I don't need to know. However, I can give you this. (He takes out a platter of steamy, juicy burgers. The entire Screaming Ivy team's mouths start watering.)

Gwen: _That's _food! (However, when Chris throws the platter down to them, he misses by a good few hundred yards. The platter splashes into the water, and sinks beneath.)

Chris: Oops. I didn't mean to do that. Oh wait. I did! (He cackles as the helicopter zooms away.)

Alejandro: It is no use. *sigh*… I believe Chris just wants us to starve.

Beth: You really think he would do that?

Alejandro: Most definitely.

Trent (his eyes narrowing): But wait. He said he gave something to us, and we wasted it.

Alejandro: Hm… probably just a metaphor for something obscure. (He chuckles nervously. Cody gasps.)

Cody: I think I know what he meant! (He bites down into the raft. There is a crack, and Cody comes up, his teeth bleeding.) Nope. The raft isn't food.

Courtney: No, I agree with Trent. Alejandro, know anything about this "something" that we wasted?

Alejandro: Er… no! Now, shall we continue onwards? (He licks his lips nervously.)

Courtney (her eyes narrowing): Chapped lips? Hmm… Happens to you when you're nervous?

Alejandro: No. It just happens from time to time. Even the most perfect of lips can get chapped sometimes. (Courtney continues to watch him like a hawk, as he adjusts his shirt.)

**Confession Cam**

**Courtney: I know it's possible that Chris is just trying to starve us, but I think Alejandro could be behind this. He's like an eel, coated in motor slime. You know, slippery. (She smiles.) Heh. I bet no one's ever thought of that before. Man, Courtney, you're so original. **

**Cody (clutching his mouth): Darn. That gap just got a whole lot bigger. **

**Beth: Chris considers **_**me **_**fanservice? Well, I mean, of course. What man doesn't want to get a piece of this action? (She beckons to her body.) **

**End of Confessionals**

**Waterfront (Killer Redwoods)**

Bridgette: Well, we've made it through hunger, obstacles, and angry Courtneys. What else does Chris want to subject us to? (Suddenly, the waves start picking up, and the boat starts rocking back and forth, more and more violently.)

Harold: Oh no! The waves are getting rough! This could break the raft!

Ezekiel: Captain Zeke will steer through it! Steady as she goes! Harold, get that finger out of yer nose! Start rowing!

Geoff: Yeah! This is my kind of party! (Suddenly, he topples out of the raft, and into the waves.)

Bridgette: GEOFF!

**Confession Cam**

**Geoff (soaking wet): Dang, those waves were rough. But that's the way I like my parties! Woo! **

**End of Confessionals**

**Waterfront (Katie, Izzy, and DJ)**

(The sun beats down on the three as they slowly float through the water. All three are sweating fiercely.)

Izzy: Guys, I just want to let you know how much I've grown to love you two. I feel as if we're a family. I feel like getting to smell each other's body odors has made us even closer.

Katie: I don't.

Izzy: Katie, Katie, Katie… Katie… Katie…

Katie: What?

Izzy: Sorry. I lost my train of thought. Any sign of pirates, DJ?

DJ: N-no. (He swivels the telescope around, slamming it right into the face of Katie.)

Katie: Ow!

DJ: Oops. Sorry.

Katie: Give me that! (She rips the telescope out of DJ's hands, and breaks it in two. Izzy's eyelid starts twitching.)

Izzy: Did you just do what I think you did? You know, breaking a sailor's telescope is like breaking his dick in half. In other words, it doesn't make him happy.

Katie: I can't stand it any more! (She tackles Izzy, and starts punching her. DJ shrieks in fear, and dives into the water.)

Izzy: A fighter, are we? I like your spirit. (She throws Katie up into the air, and she lands in the water with DJ. Izzy starts to let the raft float away.)

Katie (treading water): Hey! What are you doing? Get back here!

Izzy: No can do. The one thing a crew can't have is mutiny. So let's hope your water treadin' is up to the task! (And with that, she slowly floats away.)

**Confession Cam**

**Izzy: Yes, it was a sad task to abandon the two, but if I was going to kick some pirate ass, I needed to be by myself. After all… (She takes out a huge, ticking time bomb.) I'm not exactly sure Katie would've approved of my pirate disposal methods. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Waterfront (Screaming Ivy)**

Lindsay: Oh… I think I'm about to burst into flames… (The sun is beating down on them as they slowly move through the water. Alejandro is already in his underwear.)

Alejandro: Such spicy weather this is. It reminds me of my grandmother's chicken fajita pitas.

Trent: Put your pants back on.

Alejandro: I think I'm going to take a dip. Anyone who wants to join me is welcome. (Alejandro slides off the raft and into the water. After swimming around for a little bit, he dives underneath the surface. Courtney immediately turns to Trent and starts whispering in his ear.)

Courtney: I'm sure you've noticed how he's been acting lately.

Trent: Who, Chris? Yep, gayer than usual, I agree.

Courtney: No. I'm talking Alejandro. You said it yourself. He's getting awful close with Gothy and Perv boy.

Trent: Keep your enemies close, keep your friends closer. Oh wait. I got that wrong. It's keep your _friends _close, keep your _enemies_—

Courtney: That's not the point! First, he loses to Tyler in a physical challenge. Then, he takes an hour to get the string to tie up the raft. Next, he destroys the raft itself! Then, he wastes our time with stupid stretching exercises. After that, he fails to paddle correctly. Finally, he makes us lose all of our paddles! It's obvious: he's throwing the challenge! And Cody and Gwen are helping him.

Trent: C'mon, Courtney. Al's a good guy. He's a team player. He wouldn't do something like that. I mean, who would be so shallow and idiotic to throw a challenge?

Courtney: You did, Trent, numerous times, back in Season 2.

Trent: I didn't "throw" the challenge. I just "prevented our team from winning".

Courtney: It's the same thing. But we need to do something. Alejandro's dangerous. You know I'm right.

Trent: Fine. What do you suggest we do?

Courtney: Let him dig his own grave. We let him throw the challenge, and then we take him out at the elimination ceremony.

Trent: How? Nobody likes us.

Courtney: I know nobody like us. We just need to make everybody dislike Alejandro even more. (Trent nods, and grins coolly at her.)

Trent: We really are a team, aren't we?

Courtney: Whatever. (She's smiling, however.)

**Waterfront (Killer Redwoods)**

(Wave after wave slams into the raft, toppling it all over the place.)

Bridgette: GEOFF! We have to go back and save him!

Tyler: No time! If one of us tries to help, we could just as easily be swept into the current! (Suddenly, they hear the snapping of jaws.)

Harold (swallowing deeply): Ezekiel? Is that you?

Ezekiel: Nope. It aint me, eh. (There's an awkward silence. Suddenly, a wave of piranhas bursts out of the water, and rains down towards the four Killer Redwoods.)

Harold: Piranhas! (He turns to his teammates.) Did you know that piranhas belong to the subfamily Serrasalminae, which also includes closely related omnivorous fish such as pacus? Traditionally, only the four genera _Pristobrycon_, _Pygocentrus_, _Pygopristis_ and _Serrasalmus_ are considered to be true piranhas, due to their specialized teeth. However, a recent analysis showed that, if the piranha group is to be monophyletic, it should be restricted to _Serrasalmus_, _Pygocentrus_ and part of _Pristobrycon_, or expanded to include these taxa plus _Pygopristis_, _Catoprion_, and _Pristobrycon striolatus_. _Pygopristis_ was found to be more closely related to _Catoprion_ than the other three piranha genera—(The piranhas slam into him, blasting him off the raft.)

Tyler: Ow! (He cries out in pain as a piranha latches onto his butt. He rips it off, and tears spring to his eyes. A few seconds later, his face is battered repeatedly by fish, bruising it. Piranhas are flying everywhere, latching onto everything. Tyler turns to Ezekiel, who is smiling.)

Tyler: How are you enjoying this?

Ezekiel: Are you serious? I eat piranhas for breakfast! (One bites down on the fluffy ball on top of Ezekiel's top. Ezekiel's eyes grow wide in anger.)

Ezekiel: Don't mess with me fluffy ball, eh. (He takes out a baseball bat.) I don't even know where I got this, but I know what I need to do! Let's take out some piranhas! (He whips the bat around, and it slams into Tyler's face, knocking the jock off the raft.) Oops. Soorry about that. (Suddenly, a piranha rains down towards Bridgette. The surfer girl shrieks in fear, and braces herself, but Ezekiel smashes his bat into it, and it spirals off the end and lands in the water.)

Bridgette: Ezekiel… you saved me…

Ezekiel: Heh, it was nothing. (He swings the bat around awkwardly, and it slams into Bridgette's face, knocking her off the boat.) Darn. And I thought I made a good impression on her, eh. (Suddenly, another few hundred piranhas fly out of the water. Ezekiel grips the bat steadier.)

Ezekiel: You want a piece of me? Come and git it!

**Confession Cam**

**Ezekiel (covered in bite marks): Well, they got a piece of me. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Deserted Island**

Chris (walking along the beach): Okay, Noah, where are you? We just need to check up on ya, buddy. (He looks around. Noah is nowhere to be seen. Chris turns to Chef.) He couldn't have run too far. I saw the guy get a cramp just by turning a page of his book.

Chef: I wouldn't be so sure. Bein' stranded on a deserted island can do lots to a person. Take them back to their primordial state.

Chris: You think I'm a prime rib? Thanks, Chef.

Chef: No. _Primordial_. Like, ya know, cavemen and such. Hunters. (He looks around. Chris is suddenly nowhere to be seen.) Where'd you go, Chris? Don't you be doing that teleporting trick on me! I didn't like it the first time! (There is no response from Chris.)

Chef: Heh… real funny, bub… (He looks around suspiciously.) Okay, Chris, you can come out now… (Suddenly, Noah jumps down from the trees. In a tiny bird cage is Chris, rattling the bars.)

Chris: HELP! GET ME OUT OF HERE! Wow, I must've lost weight, if I can fit in this thing.

Chef: Bookworm? What's up with you, dawg! (It appears that Noah has grown a slight beard, and isn't wearing a shirt. He also has grown some muscle.) You're… you're… you're delicious! Er, I mean, succulent! Er, I mean, uhh… interesting.

Noah: NOAH. NO. LIKE. CHRIS. He… he stranded me here… (He jams a finger in Chef's direction.) You… drunk boy… you stranded me here… DIE! (He lunges at Chef. Quick as a flash, Chef has his tranquilizer gun out, and shoots Noah. The know-it-all hits the ground, unconscious. Chef walks over and lets Chris out of his bird cage. The host walks over and looks at Noah's unconscious body.)

Chris: Dang. Just a few days on the island, and he's already lost his mind! Hmm… should we take him away, or let the campers deal with him?

Chef: Let the campers. I sure as hell don't wanna touch him.

Chris: But I thought you said he was succu—

Chef: No I didn't! Now shuddup! (The two climb back aboard their helicopter, and fly away.)

**Waterfront (Katie and DJ)**

Katie: When we get back to camp, just you wait! I'll take that stupid redhead, and boil her alive! How dare she leave us here to die!

DJ: Katie… I have something to tell you…

Katie: What? Now that we're treading water, trying to keep ourselves alive, what could you possibly have to tell me?

DJ: I… I can't swim. (With that, he dips beneath the surface of the water. Katie groans, and dives underneath. She brings his body back up, and hoists it up on her shoulders.)

Katie: God, you're heavy.

DJ: Wow! What a view from up here! (Katie groans even louder.)

Katie: You need to learn to swim, you know that? It's kind of pathetic.

DJ: I can swim with a life vest.

Katie: We all can swim with a life vest! (She shivers.) I'm just scared, DJ. What if we actually die?

DJ: Well, would you like to say goodbye to someone you love? Say, Sadie?

Katie: Who's Sadie? (DJ stares at her in disbelief.)

DJ: You know… Sadie… the one who was your best friend since you were 2 years old?

Katie: Oh. _That _Sadie.

**Confession Cam**

**DJ: Man, I pray Katie was kidding. She's really changed, hasn't she? **

**End of Confessionals**

**Waterfront (Screaming Ivy)**

Ezekiel: Oy… (He is clinging to the raft, as it slowly floats through the water. He has made it past the rough waters, but in result, has much of his clothing torn, and is covered in bite marks.) I didn't know fish could be so deadly, eh… (Harold swims over, covered in bite marks as well, and grabs onto the raft.)

Harold: Well, what else can you expect from an Animilia Chordata Actinopterygii Neopterygii Teleostei Characiformes Characidae Serrasalminae?

Ezekiel: Are you seasick or something? (Suddenly, Geoff bursts out of the water.)

Geoff: What a ride! (He grins even bigger.) I almost drowned!

Harold: Then why are you smiling?

Geoff: It's all in the adrenaline, baby! Woo! (Tyler and Bridgette float over, and cling onto the raft.)

Tyler: Dang, man. That was some intense stuff.

Bridgette: Well, at least our troubles are over.

**Waterfront (Izzy)**

Izzy (peering through a telescope): Come out, ye scurvy dogs. Show me yer ugly faces. (Suddenly, her telescope focuses on Harold's face. Izzy jumps back.) Gah! Uglier than I thought! (She looks back through her telescope, and sees the pirate flag. Suddenly, she hears Harold's voice.)

Harold: So, the piranhas can be sorted by kingdom, phylum, class, subclass, infraclass, order, family, subfamily, genera…

Izzy: Egads! Their battle cry! (She puts down the telescope, her face resolute.) If it's a fight you want, then it's a fight you'll get. I'll take every pirate out, and not rest until I do!

**How will the Killer Redwoods deal with a psychopathic Izzy? **

**Does the Screaming Ivy stand any chance? **

**How much crazier can Noah get? **

**Will Katie and DJ be rescued? **

**Who will prevail? Alejandro, or Courtney and Trent?**

**And who will be voted off in THE most dramatic campfire ceremony of the season? **

**Find out on the next chaotic, dramatic, depraved chapter of **

**Total Drama Returns! **

**NEXT TIME: **In a team that is having trouble deciding who they want to vote out, a sadistic move may just turn everyone straight.


	30. Day 9 Part 3: My Lips Are Sealed

**Total Drama Returns**

The Cheesebub's Message: You do not realize how sorry I am about the late update. I really, really am. Lots of schoolwork, plus, my job as the Eight Grade Senator really wears me down. But, if it's any consolation, this is THE longest chapter I've written, being over 15,000 words. That means plenty of drama and comedy alike for all of you. Anyways, I PROMISE the updates will get quicker. I might even update in less than a week from now. Please don't give up on me. All of your reviews mean so much. They really do. Anyways, the poll on Redemption Cabin is still up. Right now, "yes" is beating out "no" by nine votes to two. But I want more opinions, so please vote! One more thing. Once you're done reading this chapter, you're welcome to tell me in a review who you want to see win the season out of the Final 15. Will it effect who I choose? Hmm, perhaps.

**NerdyBarista—**Yes, Redemption Cabin would make quite the interesting addition. Katie really starts to regret her relationship with DJ this chapter. After all, the brickhouse can be somewhat of a burden. Trent can definitely be a perv. In fact, it seems like every male on this show has had a pervy moment or two. There will be even more Captain Zeke this chapter. He's just getting started. I agree, Cody's too good-natured to know how to be sneaky. It must be kind of frustrating for Alejandro. Yes, Katie needs to control her violent outbursts. Unfortunately, she fails to do so this chapter. Yep, whenever Ezekiel tries to do good, he usually just ends up messing up big time. Courtney and Trent might learn this chapter that to succeed, you can't go for under-the-radar. You may actually have try to be _nice_. Anyways, I would really like to thank you for being one of my most consistent reviewers. I can always expect a good review from you, and that makes my day.

**monkeylove123—**Thank you . We all learned quite a few things about piranhas from Harold, didn't we? Izzy has definitely been rubbing off on Noah. But the question is, just how crazy can he get? Yes, you should never mess with Ezekiel's fuzz ball, or you might end up a different shape then you were before. I hope you didn't choke too much when you were reading that part. It could get dangerous.

**Cottontop (all reviews)—**Thanks for going back and reviewing all the chapters. Yeah, I agree with how you described all those characters. Going back to school has been tough primarily due to all the work. Seriously, the difference between seventh grade homework and eight grade homework is HUGE. I was shocked as well that Trent electrocuted Bridgette. And I was the one who wrote it! Glad you like the part with the bear feces. Bigger than the Simpsons? Really? That's quite the compliment. Yeah, Chef could definitely go to prison for what he tried to do to Lindsay. But he didn't. I know there's something wrong about that. I felt bad for Leshawna, too. Her boot was the only really unfair one so far this season. But in the canon seasons, they have so many unfair boots and fake ceremonies it's not even funny. So I'm going to try to cut back on those. Glad you liked the part when Noah was pushed off the cliff. Hmm… who does have better social skills? Harold or Ezekiel? I'm really not sure. Geoff can become quite the bully, especially if it has to do with his hat. Justin's pretty evil, I agree. Geoff is starting to remind me of Duncan, now that I think about it. But I still try to keep some of his charm. It's hard after what they did to him in Season 2 and Season 3, for that matter. I never really liked Pokemon, except for the cards. I LOVED the cards. I would rip open packs daily when I was little. Cody can be a greedy bastard, I agree. Rebecca Black could play Izzy's voice, but certainly not her looks. Rebecca Black is fat and fake. Izzy's awesome and real. The main reason the guys voted for Sadie was because she was the most annoying of the girls at the time. The fact that she tried to kill Katie was just an added bonus. I love roller coasters too. Something will definitely happen at Camp Wawanakwa that is quite shocking. You'll see. Also, I forgot to tell you how much I like your idea for the challenge. It's really good.

**Flutejrp—**Yes, I have decided who will win. However, that could be subject to change. But the elimination order will stay pretty much the same. Thanks for liking my story!

**ChibiRox—**Sorry I couldn't update that soon. But now you get to see what happens to Noah!

**Jacky Dupree—**Okay, I'll try to tell you what the point of Harold is. Right now, he's just an alliance member for Katie. Also, although you aren't too fond of him, some of the others actually find him funny. Anyways, thank for adding this to your favorite stories!

**Nagasha—**Yeah, Katie forgetting Sadie is really not good. And I didn't notice the season 3 references. Perhaps you could tell me? And anyways, thanks for being a consistent reviewer!

**Day 9 Part 3—Chapter 30: My Lips Are Sealed**

**Waterfront (Katie and DJ)**

DJ: When we get back to camp, I want a unicorn ride. (A tear wells up in his eye.) I've always wanted a unicorn ride. (Katie groans underneath his weight, still floating and carrying him on her shoulders.)

Katie: Well, I'm certainly not your unicorn. I'm sick of holding you up!

DJ: We'll probably get rescued in a few minutes. Think you can hold me up that much longer?

Katie: DJ, listen! We're not going to get rescued! And if you don't mind me, I'd prefer not to die underneath the jock strap of some baby-like behemoth! You are going to tread water! NOW!

DJ: I… I don't know how!

Katie: It's like riding a bicycle, DJ. Like riding a bicycle.

DJ: I don't know how to ride a bicycle, either.

Katie: Really? Wow. I… I pity you. Did your parents teach you anything?

DJ: They taught me to have an honest heart and a faithful soul. That's all I need, really.

Katie: Pfft. Those are useless. You really should've learned to tread water.

DJ: Trust me, Katie. Just hold me up for a few more minutes. I promise you, help will come.

**Confession Cam**

**Katie: "Help will come"? No help is coming anytime soon! You know, I really feel sorry for DJ. One day, he's going to wish he knew how to swim. And I won't be there to help him. **

**DJ (splashing around in the toilet): Help! Drowning! **

**End of Confessionals**

**Waterfront (Izzy)**

Izzy: Hm. I wonder why this chapter is called "My Lips Are Sealed". Very mysterious. Perhaps I get to superglue someone's mouth shut this chapter. Haven't done that in a while. Great fun. Especially when the glue's extra hot. Oh wait. Where was I? Oh yeah! Pirate slayin'. (She takes out a huge time bomb, and smiles at it.)

Izzy: It is time for you to shine, my little girl. No holding back, you hear me? This is your moment! Like that new Rebecca Black song! (She adjusts Alejandro's pants, and starts floating closer and closer to the Killer Redwoods raft. Looking through her telescope, she sees Ezekiel and Harold picking their noses, and scoffs.)

Izzy: Look at them. Must be starved for some treasure, if they're having to dig through their nostrils for gold. Well, they aint stealin' my treasure! (She sharply whistles, getting the Killer Redwoods' attention, even through they are a hundred yards away.)

Izzy: Listen, ye scumbags! You've perused the six seas for long enough!

Harold: The seven seas, you mean.

Izzy: Don't you be going all "educated" on me! I know you're all a bunch of uneducated buffoons! You've plundered, pillaged, and stolen everything from everyone you see! You're a disgrace to the earth! A disgrace! And I can barely look at you! I spit in your general direction! Actually, no I won't! You're so messed up, you'd probably collect my saliva and sell it on the black market to buy yourself a one dollar meal at McDonald's to share among the five of you! But that's all you deserve, you fleet of five f**king failures!

Geoff: Somebody's menstruating.

Izzy: And your time is up! You hear me? Your time is up! So prepare for the fight of your lives! From Captain Izzy!

Bridgette: Wait a minute. Izzy? Is that you?

Izzy: Egads! The one with the ponytail that looks like a banana knows me name! How does she know me name?

Harold: Because you just said your name, like, a few seconds ago.

Izzy: You! The one with the glasses! Your sass will go untolerated onboard once I have ye kidnapped. You better learn to have some respect, or have your face stuffed in a blender!

Harold: God, she's even more psychotic than before. She could have gotten all sorts of diseases from being on that deserted island for so long.

Izzy: The only disease I got is integrity!

Ezekiel: I bet she caught it from me. (He proudly puts a hand on his chest.) I have integrity, eh.

Geoff: Listen, Izzy, babe, we're not supposed to rescue you, but if you just come with us, I'm sure you can rock the party, even if you're from the other team.

Izzy: There are no "teams" in life! There are only pirates, people, and pedophiles! I know you guys are pirates. I know you're not people. I hope you're not pedophiles.

Tyler: Izzy! Don't you recognize us? I'm Tyler, the super sexy and athletic jock with amazing sports talent and beautiful locks of brown hair!

Izzy: I only know only one Tyler. And he's an uncoordinated loser. You can't be him.

Tyler: Hey!

Izzy: So, ye pirates, prepare for the end to come.

Bridgette: Izzy! You know who we are! We're Tyler, Bridgette, Geoff, Ezekiel, and Harold! (She looks around, and sees the waterfront empty.) Where'd she go?

Ezekiel: Perhaps it was one of them mirages. (Suddenly, they hear a yell from behind them.)

Izzy: Hey! Over here, ye scummy scum scummers!

Geoff: How'd you get over there?

Izzy: Hm. I don't know. I only know one thing! (She whips out her time bomb, and grins maniacally.) That I'm gonna blow up some trash. The trash being you!

Tyler: Could you hurry it up, then? We're kind of on a tight schedule.

Harold: Izzy? Okay, just calm down now. You don't want to use that bomb. We're not even pirates.

Ezekiel: Um, yeah we are. (He points to their flag.) Does this flag lie? (He turns to Izzy.) Give us your best shot—

**BOOM!**

(The bomb slams into raft, incinerating it. The five Killer Redwoods go flying, and land in the water a few feet away from the wreckage. They watch as the fire and smoke fly everywhere, until finally, everything settles down.)

Ezekiel: Well, she gave us her best shot. (His entire team glares at him.) What?

Izzy: Ha! Ha ha! (She floats over, and grins down at them.) Looks like I won this one. Wait a minute! (She looks at Ezekiel.) You're not a pirate! You're just the sexist homeschool!

Bridgette: YOU FINALLY REALIZE THAT?

Izzy: Heh heh heh… sorry about that… I just get a little carried away sometimes. Climb aboard, I guess. (The five climb on, making the raft sink considerably deeper into the water.)

Izzy: Darn. Katie and DJ added a little weight, but you guys are FAT! Who weighs so much? (Everyone turns to Tyler.)

Tyler: What? Athlete's gotta eat. (Izzy pokes Tyler's belly with her sword.)

Izzy: That's what we call a belly! I love jigglin' bellies. A great time, really. A nice, gelatinous ball of fat!

Tyler (clutching his belly): This blob isn't made of fat!

Geoff: Wait, dude… you're pregnant?

Tyler: No! This is a blob of muscle!

Ezekiel: If that's the case, I've got a pretty big blob of muscle right here, eh (He pats his belly.)

Tyler: Nah, yours is just fat.

Bridgette: How is it any different?

Tyler: Can he do _this _with his belly? (He contorts his belly into a number 1.)

Bridgette: No. But most people should not be able to do that.

Harold: Well, it's a special condition called hyglothermic retoricus biocrafton nucleus sintologic pathic—

Izzy: Wow, you really are a bunch of freaks, aren't ye? Make a fine crew, ya know.

Harold: Okay, Izzy, you blew us up, know you have to help us. You say you were carrying DJ and Katie. What did you do to them?

Izzy: I abandoned em at sea. That Katie girl… (She shudders.)

Geoff: You abandoned them? Why would you do something like that? You know DJ can't swim!

Izzy: He can't? Darn, that's inconvenient.

Bridgette: We need to go find them!

Izzy: Wait a minute. Why would I help you, the opposing team, win a challenge?

Ezekiel: Uhh… because I like potatoes?

Izzy: Can't argue with that logic. (She whips out her telescope, and points to the right of them.) Hard a starboard! Hard! Wow, that actually sounds kind of wrong.

**Confession Cam**

**Ezekiel: Ha! Seems Zeke the negotiator was able to smooth talk his way through a situation again. What a useful line that is, "I like potatoes." Simple, yet to the point. I could use that for many things, eh. Perhaps it's what you have to say to get a girl to sleep with you? **

**Izzy: I like this new group I'm traveling with. They're a lot more interesting than my old team. My old team's boring! Not a single one of them are weird! **

**End of Confessionals**

**Waterfront (Screaming Ivy)**

Alejandro: This raft is a burrito; were the burrito to unravel, then the contents would spill out, forever stained on the ground. (The raft floats along, with Alejandro standing in the front with a determined expression on his face.)

Beth: Seriously, if he says one more burrito metaphor, I'm going to kill myself.

Trent: Seems Alejandro's the first one to completely lose it. I know you agree. You know, you're the only one who really understands me. (To everyone's horror, it appears that he is talking to his dick.)

Gwen: Dear god, get me out of here so I don't have to deal with these psychos anymore… (Her stomach growls and she clutches it in pain.) So hungry… (Gwen leans back, staring up at the sky, as the raft floats along. Suddenly, she feels a strange tingly sensation. She looks to her right to see Cody nibbling on her arm. She pulls away angrily.) Cody! What the heck are you doing?

Cody: You're delicious. So tender. So savory. Like a juicy chicken wing. (He licks his lips.)

Gwen: Stay away from me, you freak!

Cody: We're gonna starve out here anyway, Gwen. We might as well eat each other. (He reaches his arm out to her.) Here. Have a nibble of me. I'm very tasty. My mom says so.

Trent: Well, you and your mom must have a very intimate relationship. And for that, I pity you. Now, where was I? (He goes back to smiling at his dick.)

Alejandro: Nobody's eating anybody, amigos. We will stay true to our beliefs, even through the most difficult of times. (He raises a fist into the air.) With courage and passion, we will fight through the bad times! And victory will be ours!

Courtney: Who are you talking to? Because seriously, nobody's listening.

Alejandro: *sigh* It is quite obvious our team has given up. It seems I'm the only one with hope now. But I am positive that we will find the deserted island. I am positive!

Lindsay: Hey look! A deserted island!

Alejandro: WHAT? Impossible! (He snatches the telescope from her, and peers through it.) I… I don't see it. (He chuckles.) Must've been a hallucination.

Gwen: Dude, it's right there. (She rips the telescope away from him, and points to a large deserted island, only a few feet away from them. The large jungle trees completely blot out their vision.)

Alejandro (peering in front of him): Where? I still don't see it.

Trent: Real funny, dude. (He hops out of the raft and lands in the water. Grabbing onto the float, he wades through the water and pulls it to shore.) Everybody out! Including you. (He jams a finger into Alejandro's chest and stares at him suspiciously. One by one, the Screaming Ivy members file onto the beach.)

Courtney: Ha! The other team isn't even here yet! This is great! (The seven of them stand there, looking around. Beth wanders over and finds Noah's book.)

Beth: Hm. That's weird. Noah never goes anywhere without his book.

Trent (holding up Noah's pants, a disgusted look on his face): Or his pants. (Then they notice the delusional math equations Noah has written in sand.)

Lindsay: Ow… my brain hurts just by looking at those…

Gwen: Well, this is disturbing. (She cups her hands to her mouth.) Noah! (She calls into the forest.) Noah! Are you in there? (Nobody responds.)

Beth: Uh, guys? You might want to come look at this. (She points to a spear, resting in the sand. Cody comes over and picks it up.)

Cody: It's sharp.

Gwen: Well, duh, it's sharp! It's a goddamn spear! What has Noah been doing here? (Cody thinks for a second. Then his face grows suspicious.)

Cody: He must've converted back to his feral roots. Like what happened to Ezekiel! Do you realize what this means? (He looks around, his eyes narrowed.) Noah's a dangerous creature.

Lindsay: He is?

Cody (his eyes narrowed even more): Yes. He is. But don't worry, I will protect you all. If anything tries to attack, he'll get a little taste of the Codemeister! (Suddenly, Beth blows her nose. Cody leaps backwards and tackles her to the ground.)

Beth: What the? What are you doing?

Cody: Oops. I thought you were dangerous. That sounded like a very threatening noise. Heh heh…

Beth: Get off of me! (Cody awkwardly gets up off of her. Meanwhile, Trent is inspecting a rope on the ground.)

Trent: And what might this be?

Courtney: No, Trent, don't! (But it's too late. Trent has already stepped on the rope, and it lassos around his ankle. It then pulls him upwards, so he is now hanging upside down.)

Alejandro: Trent! Amigo, are you alright?

Trent: Get me down! Get me down!

Courtney: Don't worry, Trent. We'll get you down right now.

Gwen: Hmm… I have an even better idea. Noah obviously set that trap. He'll probably come and check it. So if we leave Trent there, he can be the bait.

Courtney: No! That's not fair! Why don't we make _him _be the bait? (She points at Alejandro.) He's a lot juicier and more muscular than Trent is!

Trent: Hey! I'm muscular! And I bet I have a bigger cock than Alejandro.

Gwen: Yeah… this is getting awkward. But here's how I see it. Alejandro wasn't stupid enough to step on a trap. Trent was. That settles that. We all have to make sacrifices.

Alejandro: I agree with Gwen. I'm afraid that Trent must make a sacrifice for all of us.

Trent: I'll sacrifice your face with the back of my hand! AUGGH! (He starts swinging back and forth, trying to loosen himself. Instead, he slams into a tree, knocking him unconscious.)

Courtney: Guys, this is completely unfair to Trent! You do realize you owe him after this. I'm sure we can work out an agreement.

Gwen: What are you, his lawyer? Trent can make his own decisions. And it was his own decision to be stupid.

Courtney: Why are you doing this to him?

Gwen: He's fine. See? Look. He's back to having a conversation with his crotch. He's half lost it, anyway. (Courtney glares at Gwen for a second, and then turns away.)

Courtney: I'm going for a walk. (She stomps away.)

**Confession Cam**

**Lindsay: I don't think Courtney likes Gwen that much. I'm able to figure these sorts of things out. The sort of things most people don't notice. Shows just how smart I am. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Waterfront (Killer Redwoods and Izzy)**

Izzy: Ha! You tell a fine party story, Geoff. Your knowledge on the subject is almost disturbing.

Geoff: You think that one's crazy? Wait till I tell you about the one where Bridgette licked whipped cream off my—

Bridgette (blushing): Um, I don't think you have to tell them about that one, Geoff.

Izzy: Well, I guess I could tell you a party story of my own.

Harold: Now hold on a second! Izzy, we've been traveling for an hour. Where are Katie and DJ?

Izzy: Who? (Noticing Harold's angry facial expression, she chuckles.) Just kidding. Um, I think we passed them about thirty minutes ago.

Harold: Why didn't you stop?

Izzy: You never told me to! Man, you should've seen them trying to scramble up onto our raft. But I beat them down with my trusty paddle. After all, I don't let people aboard without permission from the captain. (She beckons to Ezekiel.)

Ezekiel: Huh? I'm the captain?

Izzy: Of course ye are. You've got a strong heart. And you like potatoes.

Ezekiel: True, true.

Harold: I don't believe it! I don't believe it! Go back the way we came!

Izzy: I only take orders from the captain. What say you, sir?

Ezekiel: Um… I like potatoes.

Izzy: More beautiful wisdom from the captain! Will his spout of anecdotes ever end?

Bridgette: Ezekiel! Tell Izzy to go back the way we came!

Ezekiel: I'm the captain! You aint tellin' me what to do!

Harold: DO IT! We aren't losing another challenge! My mad skillz demand it!

Tyler: I'm hungry.

Everyone: SHUT UP!

Ezekiel: Actually, Tyler brings up a good point, eh. We're all hungry. Where, perhaps, is a place where we can git food?

Bridgette: If you go back and get Katie and DJ, we'll have plenty of food!

Izzy: *gasp* You cannibal!

Bridgette: That's not what I meant! Ezekiel, just tell Izzy to go back the way we came, okay?

Ezekiel: Alright! Gosh, I didn't know you all had such a strong opinion on the topic. Izzy, we're going back to find DJ and Katie.

Izzy: Aye aye, sir. You really are the smartest of the bunch, you know that?

Ezekiel: It's all about usin' yer brain, eh. (He taps it, and winks. Harold glares at him and crosses his arms.)

**Confession Cam**

**Harold: I have to admit, I was quite annoyed when Izzy claimed that Ezekiel was the smartest. I know Tyler isn't too bright. He falls into the toilet at least three times a day. But I like to consider myself the smartest—(Suddenly, he slips on the toilet seat, and lands in the toilet with a splash. He tries to get out, but is stuck.) So what if I fall in four times a day? Geniuses were not made because they had butt cheeks more fit for propping oneself up! They were made because they had brains. Already, that takes Ezekiel out of the running for ever becoming a genius. I will become a genius. You will see—(Suddenly, Tyler comes in and closes the toilet down on Harold's head.)**

**Tyler: I've learned now to put the toilet seat down when I'm confessing. I'm quite the genius, if I say so myself.**

**End of Confessionals**

**Deserted Island (Screaming Ivy)**

Beth: Alejandro, you're on aces. (They are sitting on the beach, late at night, playing cards. Trent still hangs from the tree, moaning.)

Alejandro (a completely blank facial expression): Hm. One ace. (He puts the card down.)

Cody: Wow. That's a good poker face you have there, Alejandro.

Gwen (snickering): It probably comes from the producers naming him after a Lady Gaga song.

Alejandro (exasperated): That's not true! I was named after Alejandro Fernando Whereizwaldo Alfonso Pierre the III! You know, the great Spanish prince?

Gwen: Sure you were. Lindsay, you're on twos.

Lindsay: Hm… is a two the one with a queen on it?

Gwen: No, that's a queen. A two is a card with the number "2" on it.

Lindsay: Well, you like, have to be more specific than that, Gwin. (Gwen shakes her head in disbelief. Meanwhile, Trent is swearing his head off.)

Trent: ***********************************************!

Gwen: Trent, you're scaring off the predators with that bad mouth of yours.

Trent: I hate all of you! You'll all face the wrath of Trent! (Courtney stares at him, and shakes her head.)

**Confession Cam**

**Courtney: I know what they were doing to Trent was quite unfair, but he seriously wasn't handling the situation correctly. I'm starting to realize that Alejandro's a charmer. So if we want to beat Alejandro… we have to be just as charming as he is. (She looks at the camera.) What? I'm charming. Why would I be otherwise? **

**End of Confessionals**

Trent: You'll all pay! I'll slaughter every single one of you, and then bathe in your blood!

Courtney: Um, I think what Trent's _trying_ to say is "I love all of you in your own special way, and I really respect every single one of you".

Beth: I don't think that's what he's trying to say.

Courtney: Trent just has a funny way with words.

Trent: *************************************!

Cody: There was nothing funny about that.

Gwen: If you mean completely vulgar and uneducated, then yes he does have a very funny way with words. (Suddenly, they all hear a rustling in the bushes.)

Gwen (grinning): Looks like something's attracted to your swearing, Trent. (Trent starts shaking.)

Trent: Okay… c-cut me down now… c-cut me down!

Alejandro: Now, what would be the point of that?

Trent: Get me down! (He starts twisting around, trying to break free of the rope. Instead, he ends up getting tangled in it.)

Alejandro: Cody! Do you have the sack ready?

Cody (grinning): My sack's always ready.

Alejandro: Now is not the time to be making perverted jokes! Position the bag! (Cody runs over, and holds the bag right over the bush where they hear the rustling. Suddenly, the rustling stops. Everyone looks around for a few seconds.)

Trent (nervously): Heh. I knew it. Whatever that thing is, it must fear me—(Suddenly, something bursts out of the bushes and clings to Trent's face.)

Trent: AHHHHH! MY FACE! MY FACE! (The creature starts clawing at Trent's face, snarling as he does so.)

Courtney: Cody! What the hell are you doing? Catch it already!

Alejandro: Now hold on a moment. I find this to be a perfect time to reflect upon our lives and what we've done with them.

Courtney: Now's not the time, you douchebag! Cody, do it!

Cody: Do what?

Courtney: Catch the creature in the bag!

Cody: How?

Courtney: By catching it in the f**king-, oh give me that! (She tries to snatch away the bag from Cody.)

Cody: No no. I can do this. (He races over to Trent with the bag clutched in his hands. He hesitates a second, and then stuffs the bag over Trent's head. Whipping out some rope, he tightens the bag around Trent's neck, and then knots it so many times his hands become a blur. By the time he is finished, Trent's head and the creature are both trapped in the bag. From inside the bag, they can hear the snarls as the creature continues to tear Trent's face apart.)

Courtney: What the? You weren't supposed to put Trent's head in the bag _with_ the creature!

Gwen: How else was he supposed to catch it? It was clinging to the bastard's face!

Alejandro: Quick, we have no time to lose! Lindsay, cut Trent down.

Lindsay: Aw, do I really have to cut off his ankle?

Alejandro: Actually, I'll do it. (He runs over with the knife, and slices the rope that holds Trent up. Trent flies straight to the ground, smashing into his face. This enrages the creature even more, and Trent's muffled screams can be heard from inside the bag as it attacks his face to a new anger. Alejandro scoops Trent up, and tosses him onto the raft, with the bag still around his face.)

Alejandro: Everybody on!

Courtney: No! I won't stand for this! I won't! (She jumps onto the raft, and tries to untie the knot holding the bag onto Trent's head. However, she can't even get close to untying it. Cody walks over and sits next to her on the raft.)

Cody: The unbreakable knot. I learned it in cub scouts. (He grins proudly, until she starts attacking him. The rest of the team runs over and gets on the raft. Gwen pushes off from the beach, and away they float, out into the ocean.)

Alejandro: Alright, team. We're heading back to Total Drama Island.

Courtney: What about Izzy?

Alejandro: Hey, be my guest. But if Noah is already that crazy... I welcome you to see what Izzy's become.

Courtney: But then we'll lose the challenge!

Alejandro: Hey, I doubt the other team will even be able to find any of their members. We did well, team.

**Confession Cam**

**Alejandro: And by well, I mean excellent. It makes my day to see Trent getting mauled by a rabid creature. I'm sure it makes your day, too. I wish I could wake up every morning to the sound of Trent getting mauled by a rabid creature. **

**Courtney: Trent's beautiful face… why would they do this to Trent's beautiful face… (She glances at the camera.) Um, I mean, it's not beautiful! It's just… mildly… delicious… **

**Noah: Hey, I hadn't lost all my sanity by then. I knew exactly who I wanted to attack. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Waterfront (Katie and DJ)**

(Katie and DJ are still treading water, late at night.)

Katie: I don't believe it! I don't believe it! Our team floated right by! _Right by_! And they didn't even stop! And when we tried to get on, _Izzy_ appeared out of nowhere and beat us down with paddles! What is _Izzy _doing with them? She's not even part of our team! (She gasps.) I bet she's brainwashed them. Explains the reason why Geoff looked like he had been smoking weed.

DJ: I'm pretty sure Geoff always looks like that.

Katie: Whatever. Now what are we going to do?

DJ: I'm sure our team will realize what happened, and come back to rescue us. (Suddenly, they see a raft floating by, with their team on it.) Hey, there they are right now! Must've come back to save us! (The raft stops just a few inches away from them. The Killer Redwoods peer around.)

Tyler: I don't see em anywhere.

Katie: Hey! You idiots, we're right here! (Ezekiel turns around, peers at them through his telescope, even though he is only a few inches away from them.)

Ezekiel: Hmm… I see em! They're not too far away! (He extends the telescope farther, and it slams into Katie's forehead. Angrily, Katie shoves it back into his eye, and climbs aboard. DJ follows after her, shivering and wet. Izzy pops up, and greet them excitedly.)

Izzy: Welcome back aboard, ladies! We're glad to have you—(In a cry of rage, Katie jumps at Izzy, and starts punching and slapping her. Bridgette and Geoff are just able to pry Katie off. Izzy laughs, and rubs a particularly large welt now growing on her cheek.)

Izzy: I've always like your salty sailor spirit. But sometimes you can be a real seabitch!

Katie: What are you doing? Go back to your own team!

Izzy: This is my team right now. We all have a common goal. Survive. Prosper. Find new beginnings.

Ezekiel: Eat potatoes.

Izzy: Exactly. Eat potatoes. Now, Katie and DJ, we must forget the fights us three women have had in the past, and learn to find a future together. Plus, we could have great threesomes.

Katie: Not gonna happen. (She looks at her team.) Where's Sierra?

Geoff: Um… funny story about that one. We kind of voted her off.

Harold: I didn't, Katie. I stayed true to you.

Katie: How could this happen? No! (She points accusingly at Bridgette.) You! You switched to their side, didn't you?

Bridgette: I just voted the way I thought was best for the team.

Katie: Well, consider yourself out of the alliance! Forever!

DJ: Katie, maybe Sierra really was the right boot.

Katie: When we still have _Ezekiel_? (She beckons to Ezekiel, who now has two potatoes stuffed up his nostrils and is inhaling the scent dreamily.)

Izzy: Hey, don't insult Ezekiel! He's the captain!

Katie: No, _I'm _the captain! And I say you need to walk the plank!

Izzy: Don't make me use any more of my boom boom. But I'll boom your boom if you try to attack me.

Bridgette: No no, that's okay. Katie's going to learn to control her mouth. So, Izzy, how do we get back to Camp Wawanakwa?

Izzy: It's a long voyage. But we can make it. But don't you prefer to just be out on this raft, enjoying each other's company?

Everyone: NO!

Izzy: Okay, then.

_**Three days later….**_

**Camp Wawanakwa**

Chris: Hey, Chef! I think I finally see some campers arriving! (It is early morning. Chris points out at the horizon, where he sees a raft slowly appearing.)

Chef: So? Why the hell do I care?

Chris: It means this challenge was a success!

Chef: Again, why the hell do I care?

Chris: What's wrong, Chef?

Chef: I'll tell you what's wrong! Every single night, you're up late with all those women you have stashed in your closet! Squirtin' mustard in each other's mouths and crap like that! When do I get some women?

Chris: Tell you what, Chef. If you deal with whatever problems the campers may have coming back from this challenge, I'll give you a night off to spend with my prostitutes.

Chef: Ha! I knew they were prostitutes! (The Screaming Ivy have now arrived, and stare at him.)

Gwen: I don't even want to know what you're talking about.

Lindsay: Wait… is he talking about us?

Chris: Screaming Ivy! Congratulations! You're the first team back! And what do you bring with you? (Suddenly, Trent is hurled at Chris, and the host has to jump out of the way to dodge him. Chris then looks down at Trent, with the bag over his head. Noah is still squirming and clawing around inside.) What's in there?

Alejandro: Noah. And I must warn you, he could have many illnesses. Rabies, cancer, rashes of all sorts…

Chris: Then why would you put Trent's face in the bag with him?

Courtney: Cause they're a bunch of evil lunatics, that's why!

Chris: Actually, I approve. It's what I would've done, too. (He takes Trent's body, and throws it at Chef.) Trent may need some plastic surgery. And Noah needs a rabies shot.

Chef: How do I do that?

Chris: Just take every syringe you can find and stick it into him. One of them's bound to be for rabies. (Chef nods, and takes Trent and Noah away. Chris looks back at the Screaming Ivy.)

Chris: What about Izzy? Where is she?

Alejandro: We were not able to find her. A shame, really. She's hidden all of my pants.

Chris: Fair enough. (He starts to walk away, but Beth stops him.)

Beth: Okay, Chris, we're here. Now you have to give us food. And some pig chow for Big Bertha.

Chris: Actually, I have some important business to attend to. So I must leave.

Gwen: No you don't.

Chris: You're right. I just don't want to feed you. See you suckers later!

**Confession Cam**

**Gwen: Chris is deranged. We get back from a week long voyage or something like that, and he doesn't even give us any food! Instead, he goes back to feasting on more of those young girls he keeps in his closet! **

**Chris: Hey, I wasn't completely unwilling to give them food. I would be fine with giving Lindsay food. As long as it's ketchup. And it's on my chest. And she's licking it off. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Waterfront**

Katie: Three days, no food…

Bridgette: No water…

DJ: No momma…

Harold: No Nintendo…

Geoff: No partying…

Tyler: No food… wait, was that already said? Um, no water… no wait, that was said already too. Oh wait! I got it. No toilets…

Izzy: You miss toilets? Ha! I sure don't!

Katie: You never used them before, anyway. No offense, but your personal is off the charts disgusting.

Izzy: Thank you.

Katie: It's not a compliment. Ezekiel, you say you're the captain. Why haven't we made it to the island yet?

Ezekiel: Where'd you get the idea I was the captain, eh?

Bridgette: You only say it about every five minutes.

Ezekiel: Well, I don't wanna be the captain! I just want potatoes! And a bath… And me mom…

Katie (smirking): Aw, big boy wants his mom. You're such a baby. I bet you still breastfeed.

DJ: Who doesn't? (Everyone looks at him, and realizes he isn't joking. There is an awkward silence after that.)

**Infirmary**

Trent: Enjoying your book? It looks intriguing. (He sits in an armchair in a pink bathrobe, a cup of hot chocolate in his hand, watching Noah suspiciously as the know-it-all sits at a table, reading a book.)

Noah: Why yes. But why the heck are you just watching me as I read? It's kind of creepy.

Trent: Listen, Noah, I'd watch your mouth if I were you. I may not remember much, but I remember that you gave me a lot of pain. (He snarls and raises a fist. Noah just chuckles.)

Noah: I just can't take you seriously when you're wearing that thing. (He beckons to Trent's pink bathrobe.)

Trent: I'll have you know that this bathrobe is made from the finest silk. (He crosses his arms and pouts. There is an awkward silence as the two just stare at each other.)

Noah: So… how's the hot chocolate?

Trent: Don't even go there, okay?

Noah: Alrighty then.

Trent: Noah, buddy, I'll put it to you this way. Can you stop reading your book and pay attention to me? No, I mean save your place and shut the goddamn thing! Thank you. (He takes the big marshmallow out of his hot chocolate and places it in his palm.)

Trent: This is you, Noah. (He points to the marshmallow.)

Noah: Exhilarating. And now you're going to crush it in your hand, thinking you've come up with some sort of witty metaphor.

Trent: Let me finish! Here, Noah, is what I'm going to do to you. (He smiles, and crushes the marshmallow in his hand. However, when he opens his fist, the marshmallow springs back up. Trent scowls, and crushes it again. However, the marshmallow inflates once more. Swearing angrily, Trent starts closing his fist over and over again, but can't crush the marshmallow.)

Trent: Dammit! What are these marshmallows made of, titanium?

Noah: Bravo. (He goes back to reading his book.)

Trent: You may be smirking now, Noah, but you will face the music soon enough! Coming from _my _guitar!

**Confession Cam**

**Trent: Noah's always so full of himself. He couldn't even come to appreciate my marshmallow metaphor! I had spent hours coming up with that! **

**Noah: Trent? The guy wears a pink bathrobe and can't crush a marshmallow. 'Nuff said. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Outside the Screaming Ivy Cabin**

Alejandro: Where is that geek boy? He must be somewhere around here. (Suddenly, he hears a snicker from the bushes.) Cody! What are you doing in there? (Cody sticks his head out of the bushes, binoculars hanging from his neck.)

Cody: Al! You gotta see this! Because we ripped all those wall planks from the girls' side, I have a perfect view of all the action!

Alejandro: I'm sorry if I don't find interest in your pervy excursions like you do. I just want you to remember: We lose tonight, you—

Cody: I know, I know. I vote for Courtney. I got it.

Alejandro: Huh? Courtney? No, amigo. You vote for Trent.

Cody: Gwen specifically told me we were voting for Courtney.

Alejandro: Well, I specifically told _Gwen _we were voting for Trent! Where is she?

Cody: Under a tree about a hundred yards away from here, sketching a coffin in her diary.

Alejandro: How do you know that?

Cody: I always know where Gwen is. Oh wait, now she's getting up. Looks like she's going somewhere… oh wait, she's just stretching. (Alejandro looks around. Gwen is nowhere in sight from where Cody is sitting. He stares at the geek for a few seconds, and then shuffles away.)

**Confession Cam**

**Alejandro: While I was disturbed by Cody's pervy-GPS Gwen whereabouts knowledge, I had bigger problems. Gwen, if you're actually doing what I think you're doing, you're making a big mistake. Trying to change who we're voting for without telling me? Not a good idea. You won't leave tonight. But you just moved higher up on my hit list. I now see you can't completely be trusted. **

**End of Confessionals**

Katie: We're here! Finally! (She leaps from the raft, lands on the sand, and starts kissing the ground. Then, realizing how unsanitary this is, she gags, wipes her mouth off, and stands up.)

DJ: W-we… we made it! WE MADE IT! WOOHOO! (He goes flying off the raft, but then faceplants in the sand, crushing his face. The rest of the Killer Redwoods and Izzy step off, and they all collapse, too tired to stand. Chris walks over, and screams.)

Chris: Gah! Oh, it's just the Killer Redwoods. You're finally back. And you brought Izzy, Katie and DJ with you! We were wondering where they were. Actually, we weren't. We really didn't care.

Geoff: Dude… food… water…

Chris: Huh? Food? Water? Nah, you guys look fine. Food and water are only for special occasions.

Bridgette: THIS IS A SPECIAL OCCASION!

Chris: Fine. Geezus. (He hands them a platter of sandwiches out of his pants, then speaks into a megaphone.) Screaming Ivy! Report to the beach immediately! Then we'll go over who won today's challenge. (Courtney, in the Screaming Ivy cabin, hears this, and turns to Gwen.)

Courtney: Just so you know, if we lose today, it's your sorry butt that's going home. Either you or the Spaniard.

Gwen: Good luck with that.

Courtney: It'll happen! It'll be easy to convince everyone.

Gwen: How?

Courtney: Um, I'll… um…

Gwen: Exactly.

**Confession Cam**

**Courtney: I just need **_**something **_**I can use against them! But what? How can I get the upper hand? My whole team doesn't even realize that Alejandro threw the f**king challenge! **

**Gwen: I know Alejandro told me to vote with him for Trent, but I need Courtney gone a whole lot more. Trent? I saw the guy waxing his leg hairs a few hours ago. He's out of whack. He can't even be taken seriously. But Courtney? She's the one playing the game. Alejandro's just got a pole shoved so far up his ass about being the "male antagonist" that he can't see that Courtney's the danger, not Trent. I'm sure if I explain the reasoning to him, he'll understand. If not, who do you think Cody and the others will listen to? Him or me? Exactly. **

**Tyler: Don't expect any strategizing from me. I just use this thing as a bathroom. The only strategies I use are for not missing the toilet. Hmm… how am I gonna do it? **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: Well, well, well… I'm unimpressed, to say the least. (He troops past the campers, who are lined up in front of him on the beach. He stops in front of Noah, who is reading his book.)

Chris: A man who almost dies on a deserted island. Do you realize how many angry emails we got because of you almost dying? Can you look at me when I'm talking to you? I find it quite rude when you've got your nose stuck in a… a… what do you call that thing again?

Noah: It's called a book. And you're the one who frickin' left me there—

Chris: And you. YOU! (He points at Izzy, DJ, and Katie.)

Izzy: Yay! He's pointing at us! Do we get to go on another cruise?

Chris: You three left the island without my permission!

Katie: You didn't even give us any instructions! What else were we supposed to do?

Chris: I don't know. Make out! We need some fan service. And what better fan service than leaving two guys, one girl, and Izzy on a deserted island together?

Cody: Right you are, my man.

Chris: See? Only Cody understands the laws of the fan service. Anyways, despite your disobeying my orders…

DJ: You didn't give us any orders!

Chris: …the Killer Redwoods were able to save all three of your sorry butts. However, the Screaming Ivy saved Noah. But if my calculations are correct, three is more than one. (He nudges Chef, who is standing next to him.) Ha! I knew the online math courses I've been taking would prove useful!

Trent: You're counting is quite… enviable. So do we win?

Chris: Of course not! They brought back Izzy, DJ, and Katie! You only brought back Noah! Three is more than one! (He giggles.) My own intelligence makes me giddy.

Trent: But… but I complimented you on your counting!

Chris: Yes. And for that, you get a pat on the back. (He awkwardly gives Trent a pat on the back.)

Harold: So… does that mean we won?

Chris: Yes. Killer Redwoods, congratulations. Harold, Bridgette, Geoff, Katie, DJ, Tyler, and Ezekiel. The seven of you have made it into the Final 15. Come up and grab your Final 15 granola bars.

Bridgette: What's so great about the Final 15, anyway?

Chris: 15 is the number of years I've known my best friend, business partner, and eye candy, Chef Hatchet. (He beckons to Chef.)

Chef: Dude, we've only known each other for like, two years.

Chris: Yes. But it's been fifteen in my mind.

Chef: That's… creepy.

Chris: It's not creepy! It's beautiful! Now, where were we? Oh yeah. The ceremony of receiving your exclusive final 15 granola bars.

Geoff: Can we just go back to the cabin and party?

Chris: No! It's a ceremony! Now come up and grabs your granola bars!

Ezekiel: Yes! First granola bar of the Final 15! (He rips one out of Chef's hands, and then stuffs it in his mouth. He burps out the wrapper. The rest of the Killer Redwoods come up, and, one by one, Chef hands them their granola bars.)

Chef: One for Bridgette… one for Harold… one for Tyler… one for Katie… one for Trent… ONE FOR TRENT? (He snatches the granola bar away from the musician.) Nice try, buddy.

Trent: What do you mean? I've always been a Killer Redwood.

Chef: Get back in line, you dick weed. You'll get your granola bar if you've earned it, soldier.

Chris: Alright. So, Killer Redwoods, enjoy the fact that all 7 of you have escaped the clutches of your loser lives. At least, for tonight. (He turns to the Screaming Ivy.) You, however, have a whole 'nother night ahead of you. The person that's leaving tonight will not get a chance in the next season, will not win a hundred thousand dollars, and will live in sorrowful regret for the rest of their lives.

Courtney (looking at Alejandro): Why are you _smiling_? It isn't a good thing!

Alejandro: Hm? I'm not smiling. The corners of my mouth were simply exercising. They need exercise as much as my gorgeous, juicy, Latino booty does.

Izzy: You totally were smiling. It was kind of creepy. You kind of looked like a pedophile.

Courtney (pointing at Izzy): I don't want to hear a word out of _you_! You helped the other team!

Izzy: Courtney, Courtney, Courtney… there are no "teams" in life.

Courtney: Yes there are! And it's obvious _you _fall under the marijuana-smoking idiot category!

Izzy: I would totally kick your butt right now, but I'm a pacifist today. In honor of Noah, the fallen soldier. He might have been extremely out of shape, and his forehead might've been way too big, but he had strong heart anyway. (She puts a hand on Noah's shoulder.) We should all remember him.

Noah: I'm right here!

Izzy: No you aren't. Now, I must go mourn in peace. Then I must perform the ritual I promised I would do. (She walks away, and disappears out of sight.)

Noah (chuckling): Heh heh heh… she really is loony, isn't she? (Suddenly, his nose perks up.) Do you smell something burning?

Izzy (from afar): In honor of your spirit, Noah, I hereby burn all your books! Let their pages curl up and turn to ash in the flames of the fiery beast, and let their spines melt ever so gracefully! And by the end, I hope to see only a pile of dust!

Noah: WHAT? (He runs off in the direction of the smoke cloud, cursing loudly.)

**Confession Cam**

**Noah: You don't understand. My books, they're a part of me. You stab my favorite hardcover of War and Peace, and it's like you're stabbing me in the gut. So when Izzy started burning every single one of my books… (He shudders.) **

**Chris: I don't get what the big hype is about books. I never read one. Never will. And look where I am today! (He flashes a toothy grin.) Now, how do I get out of here… (He starts pushing on the door, but it won't budge.) Come on! Dammit! (He starts pulling on the door, and it still won't budge.) COME ON! (He then notices that the door is still locked, and unlocks it. This time, when he pushes the door, it swings open. Chris looks at the camera and smiles.) See? Perfectly educated. **

**Ezekiel (rapping): Yo! Today we won a challenge, and made it to next season! ****So I think I'll take my pants off, do I really need a reason? Woo! **

**Bridgette: So we get to have a big party as part of our winning today's challenge. All I tell you is, Ezekiel better not take off his pants. **

**Ezekiel (with his pants on his head): Woo! (He runs around inside the confessional until he smashes into a wall.) **

**End of Confessionals**

**Killer Redwoods Cabin (Female)**

Bridgette: Ahh… (She flops down onto her bunk, and looks over at Katie, who is arranging her luggage.) So, what do you want to do? Just relax?

Katie: Talk strategy.

Bridgette: Again? Are you serious?

Katie: Yep. Now I know you betrayed me, but I still think- (Suddenly, Geoff goes crashing through their window and lands on the floor of the cabin.)

Geoff: Woohoo! Are you gals ready for the most awesome party evah?

Katie: Get out of our cabin!

Geoff: No way! Time's a tickin'! And it's party time right now! (DJ, Harold, Tyler, and Ezekiel all troop in. DJ's carrying the coolers, Harold has a DJ kit, Tyler has a twister mat, and Ezekiel has his pants, which he is waving in the air.)

Bridgette: Geoff! That's our good window! (However, she is smiling. Katie is not.)

Katie: Get out! Get out!

Tyler: Hey, babe. Get in the party groove, okay? Don't kill the spunk, you feeling me?

Katie: No.

Harold: Ha! H-bomb's dropping the Killer Beatz! (He plops down in the DJ's seat, and starts mixing records.)

Tyler: I love this song! (He jumps up, but slips on the cabin floor, bonking his head on the hardwood. Katie puts her hand to her forehead and groans.)

**Confession Cam**

**Katie: It wasn't even a party! It was more of a barbaric medley of pathetic mosh-pitting, disgusting drinks, and possibly the worst DJ in the world! What does Harold think he is? Cool? **

**Geoff: I now see it is as my mission to help Katie lighten up a bit. I'll get her in the groove soon enough. (He takes out some cough syrup.) This stuff always gets me in the groove. Maybe it'll help her, too. **

**Katie: There's no way I'll ever end up partying like them. Never. **

**End of Confessionals**

Katie: WOO! PARTY ROCKING TIME! (She jumps down from the top of her bunk bed, and tackles Ezekiel.)

Ezekiel: Whoa! Feisty girl you are, eh!

Katie: I'm about to get a whole lot feistier! (She suddenly turns to DJ, and pounces him onto the bed. The two then start making out, DJ still somewhat surprised. Geoff watches, a proud expression on his face.)

Geoff: I knew she had it in her. (A tear wells up in his eye.) I just knew it.

Bridgette: What'd you do to her, Geoff?

Geoff (chuckling nervously): Huh? Nothing, nothing.

Bridgette: You don't sound too sure about that.

Geoff: Look at her, Bridgette. (He beckons to Katie.) This is the most fun she's had since Sadie left.

Bridgette: Do realize how grouchy she's going to be after this? Katie's already grouchy most of the time. She's gonna be a whole lot grouchier if she gets a party hangover.

Geoff: Whatever. Let's just enjoy the time we have together right now. (Suddenly, Ezekiel pops up between them.)

Ezekiel: Any chance I can get in on this fun, eh? (Geoff and Bridgette stare at him for a few seconds.) Never mind.

**Mess Hall**

Lindsay (listening to the partying coming from the Killer Redwoods cabin): Aww… I want to go to the party… that's where Tyler is…

Trent: Well, you can't. We have to discuss with you about who we want to vote off. (He, Courtney, Lindsay, and Izzy all sit in the mess hall.)

Trent: I brought the two of you here because I find you two to be the smartest. (Courtney snickers.) Is there something funny about that?

Courtney: No. Continue.

Trent: Anyway, I'm sure you've realized how strange Alejandro's been acting lately.

Izzy: Yeah. His sleep patterns are really weird now. (Trent stares at her for a few seconds, and then continues.)

Trent: Um, yeah. But besides that, it seemed today he was trying to throw the challenge. I assume the reason he did this was to take me down. Did you notice that?

Lindsay: No.

Trent: Well, you don't tend to notice things very often. But that's fine. We all have roles in this group. I'm the observer. You're the strategist, Lindsay.

Izzy: And I'm Michael Jackson!

Trent: Umm… yeah. Can you not speak anymore?

Izzy: Man, I had no idea that Noah was still here. I wonder how ticked off he is that I burned all his books.

Trent: You may not have realized it, Izzy, but I think that your burning of Noah's books was a subconscious act of defiance. And that brings me on to my next topic. Noah. He's gone next, after Alejandro.

Courtney: Stop it, Trent. You're confusing them. (She looks straight at Lindsay and Izzy.) Just vote for Alejandro tonight, okay? Now go. Trent and I need some private time.

Izzy: Can I watch? I bet this is gonna get steamy.

Courtney: No! Out! (Izzy shrugs, and walks out of the mess hall. Lindsay follows after her. Once they are outside, Lindsay taps Izzy on the shoulder.)

Lindsay: So he said to vote with Alejandro, tonight?

Izzy: That's what I heard. We better go ask Alejandro who to vote for. (Meanwhile, Courtney is massaging Trent's shoulders.)

Courtney: See, Trent? Everything is going to turn out fine.

Trent: I don't know. It seems like it's in one ear and out the other with those two.

Courtney: Hey, as long as there's a little processing of information, it's okay, right?

Trent: That's the problem! There is no processing of information!

Courtney: Don't worry, Trent. I'm sure everything will turn out just fine. Do you want to know why?

Trent: Why?

Courtney: Because I have this. (She takes out a crate of bananas.)

Trent: Um, that's great. Bananas are delicious.

Courtney: No! You see, I found this crate of bananas washed up on shore out on the beach a few hours ago. And then it hit me: you know how Chris said he gave us some food? Well, I think Alejandro dumped it out to sea when we weren't looking. You know how he's always getting up before the rest of us and reciting poetry about the sunrise.

Trent: He went that far? Trying to get rid of our food supply?

Courtney: I believe so.

Trent: So when are you going to show the rest of the team?

Courtney: You'll see. I have an idea. Don't tell the others about it, okay? I know when I'm going to use it, and I don't want anyone knowing about it beforehand. You got it?

Trent: My lips are sealed. (Suddenly, Chris pops up from under the table, a notepad in his hand.)

Chris: Yes! Perfect! I can use that quote for the title of this chapter. (He sees them staring at him.) What? I'm running out of ideas.

**Screaming Ivy Cabin (Males)**

Alejandro: I would just like to thank all of you for coming here. I promise you, I am sure every single one of us will benefit from this arrangement. (He stands before Gwen, Izzy, Lindsay, Cody, and Beth, who are sitting on the floor.)

Beth: Can you just cut to the chase? I have to go give Big Bertha a sponge bath.

Alejandro: You will have plenty of time for your sponge bathing. I would know. Sponge bathing is an important part of my daily regimen. But first of all, I need to tell you guys what I want.

Izzy: We all know what you want! You've been wanting to get in Noah's pants since day 1! But I won't let you!

Alejandro: Why are you speaking? Say, speaking of which, where is Noah? (Suddenly, there is a groan. Alejandro turns to see a lump under the covers of the one of the beds.) Noah! Amigo, what is the matter?

Gwen: After Izzy burned his books, he kind of had a depression attack.

Alejandro: I'm sure it can't be that bad. (He lifts the away the covers, and screams. Noah is wearing all black, with running mascara and purple lipstick. His hair is ironed down, covering one eye.)

Noah: Without books, society is pointless. Life is pointless. I'M POINTLESS!

Alejandro: Come on, amigo, we have no time for being emo.

Noah: Books were the only things that could drown out the noises of all the idiots that surrounded me!

Alejandro: Well, Noah, if you vote the way I tell you, it will be one more idiot out of your way. (He turns to the audience.) And that, my dear muchachos and muchachas, is Trent.

Cody: *gasp* NO WAY!

Alejandro: What are you talking about? I already told you just a few hours ago.

Gwen: Don't mind me, but wouldn't it be better if we all voted for Courtney?

Cody: I like the idea of voting for Courtney. (He scoots closer to Gwen.) I like you, Gwen. (Gwen shoves him away.)

Alejandro: No! We're voting for Trent! We've all seen what he's capable of!

Noah: He's certainly capable of sitting on his ass, that's for sure.

Gwen: Seriously, Alejandro. Why Trent? Why not Courtney? Trent isn't a threat.

Alejandro: That's what you think. But I'm sure he's got a few tricks up his sleeve.

Gwen: Yeah? Like what?

Alejandro: Like… like… things!

Izzy: I bet he's got a stick of dynamite up his sleeve. Oh wait, that's just me. (Alejandro stares at her.)

Alejandro: Again, why are you speaking?

Beth: Here, I have an idea. Why don't we do this the democratic way? Now, who wants to vote for Trent? (Alejandro raises his hand. Nobody else does.) And who wants to vote for Courtney? (Everyone else raises their hands.)

Alejandro: Hm. Looks like Trent wins.

Gwen: Um, I think you better take some of those online math courses Chris has been using. 6 out of 7 is a majority!

Alejandro (crossing his arms): Says you and what army?

Gwen: Says everyone who has a brain!

Alejandro: Well, we're voting for Trent. And you want to know why? BECAUSE I SAID SO!

Gwen: What makes you think you have control over what we do?

Alejandro: *sigh*… Listen, guys. Help me just this once. I promise I'll repay every single one of you.

Izzy: Will you give me another pair of your pants?

Alejandro: My pair of finest jeans. But, might I ask, what do you need them for?

Izzy: You'll see. (She rubs her hands together suspiciously.)

Alejandro: So, are we all in for voting for Trent?

Lindsay: Who's Trent?

Alejandro: I'll take that as a "yes".

**Confession Cam**

**Alejandro: Going into tonight's ceremony, I'm in full out battle mode. It's fight or flunk, that's how I see it. **

**Noah: Alejandro? The dude's having his period or something. Trent wears a pink bathrobe! He's not a threat! Why can't Alejandro see that? But I'll stay buddy-buddy with him. He could be my ticket to the end. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Campfire Ceremony**

Chris: Well, here we are. At the campfire ceremony. And tonight, one of you will be sent to the Playa de Losers, population 9. There, you will be met by an ecstatic Sierra… (Cody shudders)… have a meal with our good friend Owen, spend some quality gossip time with Sadie, get a facial with Justin, listen to some rap music with Leshawna, get beaten up by Eva, play a little ping pong with Duncan, and have a cursing session with Heather. But you'll still be a loser.

Alejandro: May I announce something?

Chris: No.

Alejandro: Thank you. I would just like to tell all of you how much I feel we've come together as a team. I feel we've really made progress in our relationships, and I can see the bonds forming before my very eyes. We are like a burrito, and we're all wrapped up in one tortilla. Of course, I'm the meat. The heart of the burrito. The biggest source of protein. Gwen, you're the cheese. Your stickiness provides the glue that holds the rest of the ingredients together. You also add texture. Noah, you're the beans. Beans are very important, because they help your digestion. You, Noah, help the digestion of the team.

Noah: Uhh… what?

Alejandro: Izzy, you're the hot sauce. Without your spicy personality, the flavor of this group would lack significantly. The sour cream is obviously Cody. Your smooth, creamy texture keeps the burrito sliding down the throat of the game. Beth, you are the pina colada on the side. While not completely necessary, you are still very useful when the burrito becomes too spicy and we need a drink to cool us down. Lindsay, I would say you're the guacamole. After all, we all love dipping ourselves in you—

Chris: STOP IT! JUST STOP IT! Goddammit! If you ever utter another burrito metaphor like that again, I'll send you packing myself!

Trent: Darn. I never got to find out what part of the burrito I would be.

Alejandro: Trent, you would be the foil wrapping surrounding the outside of the tortilla. The part that prevents the person from getting to the part he cares about: the burrito. The part that is thrown in the trash after the burrito is unsheathed from it.

Trent: Oh. (He thinks for a second.) Cool!

Courtney: No, Trent, not cool. (She glares at Alejandro.) Is that a threat I hear?

Alejandro (smirking): Perhaps. Oh, I might as well tell you. Trent, it is your time. Time for you to be thrown in the trash, as a foil wrapping with only a few stains of grease where it was just barely holding on to the burrito previously.

Chris: Did you not listen to me? No more burrito metaphors!

Courtney: Alright, Al. Is that the way you want to play it? Then I have an announcement to make.

Chris: No! Enough with the announcements! I'm supposed to be asking the questions!

Gwen: And what questions do you even have to ask? (Chris looks down at his list. The only question is addressed to Lindsay, asking her bra size.)

Chris: Actually, carry on.

Courtney: Okay. (She gets up, and stands before her team. She is holding something behind her back.)

Gwen: Okay, what are you holding behind your back? You do know you're not allowed to bring weapons to the campfire ceremony, right?

Courtney: It is not a weapon. Only the truth.

Trent: However, sometimes the truth can be used as a weapon. (He grins evilly at Alejandro.)

Courtney: Exactly. Now, we all know you look up to Alejandro. He is a role model to the team. Excellent in challenges. Excellent in the strategic game. But just how excellent _is _Alejandro? Now, I want you to think. Who lost the reward challenge today?

Trent (calling out): Alejandro!

Courtney: Yep. And who took twenty minutes just to find a paddle?

Trent (calling out): Alejandro!

Courtney: And who lost the paddles?

Trent (calling out): Alejandro!

Courtney: Yep. So it seems like you guys agree. Alejandro was the reason we lost today.

Gwen: Just because Trent was yelling out from the audience, that doesn't make him the entire team!

Courtney: Gwenny, we mustn't interrupt. Now, I know you guys were throwing the challenge. And Alejandro was the main instigator.

Cody: You have no proof!

Alejandro: No, Cody, it's fine. Let them know. After all, every single one of us was in on it. Every single one us wanted to get rid of Trent.

Lindsay: I thought we all wanted to get rid of Courtney, and you were the only one who wanted to get rid of Trent!

Alejandro: Be quiet!

Courtney: Now, Alejandro was throwing the challenge. That much has been established. But just how far do you think he would go?

Izzy: In bed? Pretty far, I'd say.

Courtney: No! In his challenge throwing! Well, I'll show you. (She brings forward the thing behind her back, revealing it to be the banana crate. Alejandro immediately starts sweating and glancing around nervously. The rest of the team just looks confused.)

Noah: A crate of bananas? Seriously?

Izzy: Man, you're even crazier than I am, Courtney.

Courtney: But this isn't just any crate of bananas! Alejandro, he took these bananas! And he threw them away! Threw away the bananas! (Her whole team is laughing now, and she scowls.) Trent, help me out!

Trent: SILENCE! (Everyone stops laughing, and stares at him. Trent walks over, takes a banana out, and unpeels it. He then starts eating it.) Mm. Good banana. (He looks at Courtney, who is glaring at him.) What? It is.

Courtney: *sigh*… You know what? I give up. (She takes the crate of bananas, and throws it out into the water. It disappears beneath the surface. She looks at Trent.) Trent, I did everything I could. I can't help you anymore. (She sits down on her stump, her head in her hands. But Trent still stands before the team.)

Trent: Listen. Maybe I can explain this better than Courtney can.

Noah: I seriously doubt it.

Trent: I don't need your sass, mister! (He clenches up his fists.) Okay, here's the deal. The reason we didn't get any food is because Alejandro threw it into the water when we weren't looking. Chris, you can confirm this. You gave us food, right? (He turns to Chris, who is staring at his own reflection in a handmirror and licking his lips.) Chris!

Chris: Hm? Sorry, I was just mentally undressing myself in the mirror.

Beth: That's disturbing.

Trent: Listen, Mclean. You gave us food during today's challenge, right?

Chris: Yes. I did. I gave you a crate of bananas. (Everyone gasps, and turns to Alejandro.)

Alejandro: You have no proof I threw away the bananas!

Chris: Actually, I gave them to you. So the bananas were your responsibility.

Trent: Need I say more? Alejandro is the kind of person who would let you starve to death to get what he wants. If he saw you dying of thirst in the middle of the desert, he wouldn't give you a drop of water. He'd wait for the vultures to get you.

Alejandro: Don't you think that's kind of—

Trent: If you were broke, and all Alejandro needed to do was lend you a penny to get you a new life and a new job, he would grab all the money you already have, stuff it in his pants, and run off to go get a cucumber facial downtown. He is the devil of the world! He is evil, simple as that. So you must vote for him tonight. I rest my case. (He throws the banana's peel down onto the ground, and sits back down on his stump, crossing his arms.)

Chris: Okay, with that, kiddies, it's time to vote. Lindsay, I'm sure you know what to do.

Lindsay: Ha! Of course I do, silly. (The two stand there. There is an awkward silence. Chris looks around.)

Chris: Sorry. Thought there'd be a cut scene of you screwing up the votes. Okay, run along now! To the confessional!

Alejandro: Now wait a minute—(He leaps up off his stump, but slips on the banana peel on the ground. He lands on his back with a painful thud. Gwen walks over and stands over him.)

Gwen: Did you really do that? Get rid of the food supply? (A looks of contempt is on her face.)

Alejandro: I know it was wrong, but yes. I did. I now regret it. You will still go with the plan, right? (Gwen shrugs.)

Gwen: We'll see how I feel when I get in the confessional. (She walks away. Alejandro sees Lindsay walking by, and grabs her ankle.)

Alejandro: Lindsay… please… you must vote for Trent… don't let him convince you of anything…

Lindsay: Don't worry, Albert. I'm not voting for you. I'm voting for Alejandro.

Alejandro: _I'm _Alejandro!

Lindsay: No, you're Albert. (She walks away, chuckling. Alejandro groans.)

**Confession Cam**

**Alejandro (clutching his back): Well, I came here to do what I need to do. I might as well carry out the plan. Let's just hope everyone else sticks to it. **

**Lindsay: One vote for Alejandro! (She smiles.) Albert will be so happy to know he's not going home. **

**Trent: See ya, buddy. Next time, you might want to include me in your burrito. **

**Courtney: I'm impressed with Trent's speech. It was cold. Ruthless. I think I'm in love. (She stutters.) I mean, with his speech! Not with him! **

**Gwen: Eh, Alejandro, you're lucky. ****I decided I'll stick to the plan. Just this once. **

**Cody: Alejandro's still my bud. I'll stick with him. He's a ladies man, just like me. Players have gotta stick together, man. **

**Beth: Alejandro, I know how much you want this sexy lady, but it's time you said goodbye to the hottie that is Beth. (She blows a kiss, and waves.) **

**Noah: Hey, I wasn't on the raft when Alejandro starved them. I'm indifferent. So I'm still voting for Trent. And no, I'm not a selfish person. Well, maybe I am. Who cares? **

**Izzy: Alejandro or Trent? I like Alejandro's pants… but I like Trent's butt. Pants, or butt? What is more important to me? **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: Well, the votes have been tallied. And the decision is final. Now, if you do not receive a granola bar, you will have to board the Boat of Losers, where a horny Chef Hatchet is at the wheel after spending a night with my prostitutes and getting overtly drunk on rice milk. So yeah, not a good thing if you're going home tonight. But here's who's _not _going home! Cody, Noah, Izzy, and Lindsay! (He tosses the granola bars to them.)

Izzy: Darn. I really wanted to go on that boat. Sounded like a lot of fun.

Chris: I know. Chef's really fun when he's drunk. (He wiggles his eyebrows at her.)

Gwen: Can you get a move on?

Chris: Fine. Somebody's got their panties in a knot. But here's your granola bar. Beth, here's yours as well. (Beth catches hers, and feeds it to her pig.)

Beth: There, Big Bertha. How's that?

Chris: Hey! You have to eat that! It's not pig slop!

Beth: The label said "pig slop flavor" on it.

Chris: Fair enough. Courtney, come up and take your granola bar.

Courtney: Can't you just throw it to me?

Chris: No.

Courtney: You threw it to everyone else!

Chris: Come up and grab your granola bar!

Courtney: But—

Chris: Do it!

Courtney: Fine. God. (She walks up, takes the second to last granola bar, and sits down next to Trent, massaging his shoulders.)

Chris: First of all, stop massaging his shoulders. You're making me want a shoulder massage. Now, onto the final granola bar. Trent and Alejandro, both of you received a fair amount of votes. But one of you received just one more vote. The person to get the last Final 15 granola bar is…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

...

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

Trent.

Alejandro: Very well. (He looks at his teammates.) You will live to regret this. I warn you. Trent will take every single one of you out. (He points to Courtney.) Including you, Courtney.

Courtney: We'll see about that.

Alejandro: Whatever. May I at least leave with one more burrito metaphor?

Everyone: NO!

Alejandro: Alright. But I must at least say this. This game has changed me as a person. It really has. It has changed the way I view the world, and the way I—(Suddenly, he is scooped up in a headlock by Chef, who has mustard smeared all over his face and no shirt on.)

Chef (grinning crazily): Lalalalala… we la the la la… let's go, big boy! Chef can't wait to… to… (He falls asleep for a second, and then wakes back up.) WHEE!

Chris: How was your night with my prostitutes, Chef? Was it everything you dreamed of?

Chef (with Alejandro still in a headlock): *burp* Hell yes! Now, I gotta go to Wonderland, okay? On my magical unicorn… (He stumbles back down the dock, with Alejandro slowly losing air as he is dragged away. Chef pulls him into the front compartment of the boat, and shuts the door. Alejandro immediately starts pounding on the glass, screaming. However, suddenly, the window is splattered by mustard, covering the window pane. The boat slowly moves out from the dock, swerving back and forth. Chef sticks his hand out the window and flips off no one in particular, whistling gleefully. The boat quickly zooms away, with Alejandro yelling for help.)

Trent: How fitting. A nice end for Alejandro. Trapped in a compartment with a stoned cook, begging for his life.

Cody: Hey, at least he'll be reunited with Heather.

Gwen: If he makes it there alive.

**Killer Redwoods Cabin (Female)**

Katie: Uggh… (She slowly opens up her eyes, and sees Ezekiel towering over her. He is covered in red body paint, with yellow polka dots scattered across his body.)

Ezekiel: Hey, Katie, I just wanted to thank ya for helpin' me apply the body paint during the party. Especially in the parts under me clothes. Most people usually don't want to help me with that. But you sure did!

Katie: What are you talking about? I never did that for you. And I never will! (She gets up, and finds her back sticky from lying in a puddle of fruit punch. She looks down at her hands. Smeared across them is red paint. She looks back at Ezekiel, who is covered in red paint and smiling widely at her. Katie screams and swivels around, but slams right into Harold, who smiles at her.)

Harold: Man, what a party… oh, I forgot to thank you, Katie, for giving me my first hickey. I've always wanted one. And this one's extra special, because it's on my butt! (Katie's eyes widen. She grabs the nearest item, being Geoff's hat, and vomits into it. She looks over at Geoff, who is sitting on the bed, watching her, with a packet of powder fruit punch in his hand. She chuckles, wipes her mouth, and hands his hat to him.)

Katie: Sorry about that.

Geoff: No biggie. My hat's been used as a barf bag a billion times before. (He smiles at her.) You really are the party monster, aren't you?

Katie: No I'm not! I don't even remember any of what happened last night!

Geoff: That's the best part. With a little cough syrup, anything's possible.

Katie: WHAT? You intoxicated me!

Geoff: Only a little.

Katie: You… you… (She clutches her head, and collapses onto a bed.) Ohh…

Geoff: C'mon, Katie. Last night was the best night of your life.

Katie: My lips made contact with Harold's butt cheek! No it was not! (She points at Bridgette.) YOU! Where were you during all of this?

Geoff: She was partying just as much as the rest of us. DJ, too. (He beckons to DJ, who is clutching his teddy bear and passed out in the corner.)

Katie: How dare you! How dare you!

Geoff: Would you like some Raisin Bran to calm your nerves? It supposedly has fiber.

Katie: I don't give a f**k about fiber! Ow… (She clutches her forehead again.)

Geoff: Don't worry about the headaches. I find banging on your forehead with a hammer is an effective way of making them go away.

Katie: You listen, to me, Geoff! You're going to regret the day you gave Katie a hangover! You're going to regret the day! (With that, she passes out again.)

Geoff: Eh, whatev. (He goes back to hitting himself in the head with a hammer.)

**Playa de Losers**

Alejandro: AHHH! (He is hurled out the window of the Boat of Losers, and lands on the dock with a thud. The boat pulls away, with Chef singing "California Gurls" at the top of his lungs.)

Alejandro: Hey! Come back here! What about my luggage? My favorite sombrero is in there! (However, the boat has disappeared. Alejandro sighs.) Well, no luggage is needed, when I have the best luggage of all. My lovely novia, Heather.

Owen: Hey! Al! (Alejandro looks over at the gate to the Playa de Losers, and sees Owen charging towards him.)

Alejandro: Oh no.

Owen: Al! Al! Al! Al! Al! Al!

Alejandro: Oh no no no no no no no! (Owen is picking up speed as he gets closer and closer to Alejandro, his arms outstretched. Right before the fat boy slams into him, Alejandro jumps up, flying right over Owen's head. Owen keeps going, however, and goes flying right off the dock, landing in the water with a huge splash.)

Alejandro: Whew. That was a close one. (He turns, and sees Justin walking towards him, a mud mask on his face and wearing a spandex bodysuit.)

Justin: Hola, amigo. (The two fist bump, and then Justin looks Alejandro in the eye.) Do I look good?

Alejandro: You look fine. But why are you wearing spandex?

Justin: Sierra told me it would better enunciate my curves. Speaking of Sierra, she got into a huge fistfight with Duncan over his conflict with Cody just a few days ago by the pool. She pummeled him into the ground!

Alejandro: That is wonderful, but you must tell me… where is Heather?

Heather: I'm right here, you douchebag. (Alejandro looks over at the gate to the Playa de Losers and sees Heather standing there, her arms crossed.)

Alejandro: Heather! My love!

Heather: You really suck, you know that? You were supposed to win the whole game for us, not throw the challenge, you worthless piece of shit—(Suddenly, Alejandro's got her scooped up in his arms.)

Alejandro: Finally… we are together. And I don't care that I was ninth to be eliminated. That is fine with me. Together, Heather, we are a burrito, wrapped in a tortilla of everlasting love!

Heather: What did I tell you about burrito metaphors? (However, she's smiling.) Do you… do you really mean what you say?

Alejandro: Well, any man would want the hundred thousand dollars, but you're worth so much more than that.

Justin: Heh heh. Really? I don't think she's worth that much.

Alejandro: Don't spoil the tender moment, Justin! (He pulls Heather close to him.) Let us kiss, Heather. (He does not see the looming shadow behind him.)

Heather: Alejandro! Watch out! (However it's too late. Owen has come up behind him and grabs him in a headlock.)

Owen: Al! You're finally here! Now I've got the two hottest guys with me! This is so awesome! (Realizing how gay he sounds, he stutters.) But I love girls! Mm! Sexy!

Alejandro: Let go of me, you ******************************************! (Owen stares at him for a few seconds. Then he runs away, crying. Heather watches as the fat boy goes, and then turns back to Alejandro.)

Heather: I think I'm in love.

Alejandro: The insolent worm had it coming to him. Now, where were we? (He pulls her close again, and their lips meet. Justin watches all this, and sighs.)

Justin: This is really beautiful. (He thinks for a second.) Why am I out here again? (He shrugs, and walks away, leaving Heather and Alejandro kissing passionately under the stars.)

**Have Alejandro and Heather finally found true love? **

**When will Justin stop being a third wheel? **

**Will Geoff regret giving Katie a hangover? **

**Does Trent finally have power in the game now? **

**What new challenges await the Final 15? **

**And will there be a Redemption Cabin? **

**Find out on the next extremely dramatic episode of **

**Total Drama Returns! **

**Eliminated: Heather, Duncan, Eva, Leshawna, Justin, Sadie, Owen, Sierra, Alejandro**

**The Final 15: ****Noah, Katie, Cody, Trent, Lindsay, Beth, Harold, Tyler, Izzy, Gwen, Courtney, Geoff, Bridgette, DJ, Ezekiel**

**Note: Alejandro fans, I am very sorry. But hey. He got his happy ending with Heather. Or is it his ending? We'll see. Perhaps Alejandro could be getting some redemption later in the game. Remember to vote on the Redemption Cabin poll. **

**Votes: **

Trent—**Alejandro**

Gwen—Trent

Izzy—**Alejandro**

Cody—Trent

Noah—Trent

Lindsay—**Alejandro**

Courtney—**Alejandro**

Beth—**Alejandro**

Alejandro—Trent

**Alejandro: 5**

Trent: 4

**NEXT TIME: **It's nostalgia time at Camp Wawanakwa! As part of the final 15, the teams dissolve for the day and compete in classic challenges from the first three seasons with their old team members. It's bound to be a wave of horrible memories! Just like Chris likes it!


	31. Day 10 Part 1: Slapped to the Past

The Cheesebub's Message: Hey, are you surprised by the quicker update than last time? Yeah, now that I'm into the groove of things at school, I'm finding more ways to fit in times to write this story, so you can expect quicker updates. There's a day when I hope I can consistently get two chapters out per week, but for now, I'm not quite there yet. Anyways, the "yes" won the Redemption Cabin poll twelve votes to two. Even if you don't like the idea of Redemption Cabin, I hope you warm up to it. I promise you it will provide plenty of drama, if I write it correctly. And it brings back Alejandro for a little bit! Anyways, here's the chapter. Another long one: second longest I've written. It definitely seems my chapters are consistently getting longer. It's probably due to the fact that these author notes are so long. Oh yeah, one more thing to talk about. I allow anonymous reviews, I know. That does _not _mean you should leave a thousand reviews just saying random things like "Trent is gay" or "Katie sucks". Leave one, maybe two reviews, but no more than that. It just gets to be too much. I've had to delete quite a few I've found to be just too pointless.

**TotalDramaKingdomHearts—**Good to see you're still reading this story. It's very nice to see that at least one of the people that reviewed the first chapter is still here, reviewing the thirtieth one. You will get more of both couples, I promise. So, you think the Final 5 is Trent, Katie, Noah, Bridgette, and Lindsay. Interesting. Your reasonings do make sense. But are you correct? We will see. Anyways, glad to have you back!

**Flutejrp—**Yep, sadly, that reunion will be broken up very soon. In this chapter, in fact. If Trent and Courtney got together, you would declare this the best Total Drama fic ever? I better have Trent and Courtney get together.

**Jacky Dupree— **A few people have told me they find Harold to be quite awesome. But you obviously don't like him, and that's fine. We have people we don't like, people we do like. I hope you at least like some of the characters in the Final 15. I agree, DJ should man up. Perhaps he will this chapter. Probably not. As you can probably see, I'm trying to make Trent have a few flaws. Talking to his dick and stepping in a rope trap are just a couple of them. But is he really stupid? Or is he pretending? Yeah, if Izzy and Ezekiel walked among us, we would most likely all be dead. I too, will live in fear of 15 for the rest of my life. Perhaps it could become the new unlucky 13. Trust me, Katie's going to regret going so crazy at that party. And I knew you would be upset by Al's departure. But is he gone?

**Cottontop—**Thank you. Yeah, the DJ breast-feeding thing was probably a scene I should've left out. But I didn't. Uh oh. You're glad Alejandro's gone? Hope you don't hate him too much. But yeah, it was pretty unlucky for him to get molested by Chef. A conflict between Bridgette and Courtney? There will be one. Not this chapter, but in this episode. Once they get in their Total Drama Island teams.

**monkeylove123—**Yeah, it wouldn't be good if you choked and died. Seems lots of people liked the Aleheather ending. The god of Total Drama fanfics? Aw, shucks. You're too kind.

**ChibiRox—**I was very happy about the Kobold Necromancer update too. I'm a big fan of Total Drama Battlegrounds. But who isn't? Don't give up on Noah's chances yet. Noah could easily fight back against Trent.

**matt4321—**Hey, we share the same name! Yep, my name is Matt. I gagged as well when Owen burped in Heather's mouth. Luckily that's never happened to me when I'm kissing someone. Yeah, Ezekiel's fuzz ball is pretty awesome, is it not?

**Obsessive Duncan Fanboy—**I agree, Alejandro's burrito metaphors could have their own TV show. Hey, the more I keep Trent in, the more you hate him, right? And the more happy you'll be if he gets voted off! Okay, you want Duncan to go to Redemption Cabin? Hey, anything's possible. And there's plenty of Izzy this chapter.

**NerdyBarista— **I agree, DJ needs to grow a spine. It will be a good character development for him when he does. Hey, potatoes are a priority to Captain Zeke. Yep, an injured Trent is perfect for making any episode good. The Katie and Izzy conflict is just getting started; trust me. Good to know you like the first half of the Final 15. Yeah, the Killer Redwood males are great at throwing parties, but today, Geoff has a very somber speech about the importance of partying to your health. Alejandro definitely should've just gone with Gwen's plan of voting out Courtney; even with the banana move, people would've probably still wanted her gone. Yeah, Katie really wants Geoff gone in this episode after that incident. So you want Izzy, DJ, Gwen, Cody, Bridgette, or possibly Noah? Good selections. But yeah, the vote could really go in any direction.

**NoahisEPICWIN—**There will be Nizzy. I know it hasn't happened quite yet but it will come. Someday.

***blank*- **Yeah, I was talking to you. But hey, I'm glad you like story. And wow. You really want Katie gone. But please, don't just keep reviewing pointlessly until she's gone. It won't make me want to get rid of her any time soon.

**Darkmist914—**Great to see you back! Anyways, glad you still like this!

* * *

Chris Mclean: Last time, on Total Drama Returns… with everyone vying for a spot in the Final 15, it was an all out drama-fest as the campers found blood-thirsty ways to turn the voting tables against each other! But first, Katie, DJ, Noah, and Izzy all crash-landed on a deserted island due to Chef "disappearing" and Izzy taking command of the cruise ship they were staying on. It was the campers who had to go and rescue them by building a raft and sailing it across the waters of Wawanakwa. After Tyler beat Alejandro in a reward challenge, due to the fact that our favorite latino was attempting to throw the challenge, the Killer Redwoods gained an early lead. They were able to keep this lead throughout the entire challenge, and ended up winning it, even though the Screaming Ivy were able to capture a feral Noah by using Trent's unlucky face as the bait. Nicely played, Cody, nicely played. However, this brought Trent and his gal pal Courtney to a whole new peak of vengeance, Alejandro being the victim. He was sent to the Playa de Losers, where he quickly got back together with Heather. Ha! I made a rhyme. That just made my day. But… is it the last we'll see of the Spaniard? And what challenges await the Final 15? See it all right here on… Total Drama Returns!

**Day 10 Part 1—Chapter 31: Slapped to the Past**

**Playa de Losers**

Alejandro: Mmm… (He and Heather are still making out in a pool chair, even though it is early morning. Alejandro breaks away after a few more minutes, and scans his eyes over Heather's face.)

Alejandro: Good morning, beautiful. What a night we had.

Heather: I… I never knew you were such a good kisser!

Alejandro: As are you. Your lips are quite… delectable. (Heather blushes. Then she beckons to the swimming pool.)

Heather: Have you tried the pool? It's the perfect temperature.

Alejandro: I will try it right now. (He tears off his shirt, followed by his pants, leaving him only in a skimpy thong.)

Heather: I know you like stripping and all, but have you ever thought of just taking off your clothes normally? Instead having to rip them, leaving them useless for the next time you want to put them on?

Alejandro: But it is more dramatic when I rip them off.

Heather: All you're doing is jumping into the pool! It's not supposed to be dramatic!

Alejandro: Everything I do needs to be dramatic. (He walks over to the pool, and clasps his hands over his head in the dive position.)

Alejandro: I call this dive the Fajita Flop. (With a wink to Heather, he lunges into the pool. However, before he hits the surface, he is suddenly lifted into the air by two meaty hands.)

Alejandro: What the? (He swivels his head around and sees Chef's Hatchet's face close to his, a scowl on the cook's sweaty face.)

Chef: Hello there, burrito boy.

Heather: What are you doing here? This is a private resort!

Chef: Don't make me use my spatula, girl! I come here whenever I want! (He looks at Alejandro.) I'm takin' you away. Chris's orders.

Alejandro: Why?

Chef: How the f**k should I know? I aint Jesus!

Alejandro: That doesn't mean you shouldn't know why you just came and assaulted me!

Chef: Listen, you douche. I don't know much about things, but I'm certain of a one fact: You need to SHUT UP! (With that, he tosses the pretty boy up into the air, catches him, and then slings him over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.)

Alejandro (beating his fists against Chef's back): Put me down, you barbaric behemoth!

Chef: Ahh… thanks for the back massage.

Alejandro: You disgusting- (Chef stuffs a spatula in his mouth to shut Alejandro up. He walks over to the Boat of Losers, and slams open the door.)

Heather: Hey! You can't do that! We were in the middle of something!

Chef: Actually, I can do that. I can also do this! (He sprints over, grabs her, and hurls her into the pool. She lands with a splash in the water.)

Heather (spitting out water): You ************************!

Chef: I been wantin' to that since day one.

Heather: Come back here! (But Chef has already walked down the Dock of Shame, and has hurled Alejandro into the Boat of Losers. He follows after the latino, slamming the door behind them. The boat then blasts off through the water, disappearing out of sight.)

_**Later that morning… **_

**Killer Redwoods Cabin (Female)**

Katie: This place is a disaster! (She is sweeping up the floor, angrily swiping the broom back and forth. She comes across a pair of underwear with "Harold" sewn on them in satin. She sees that they are drenched in her saliva. Immediately, she retches onto the floor.)

Katie: All my dignity… stripped from me… Where are the guys? They need to do some goddamn work! They're the ones who trashed the place! (She pulls away her covers, and finds Ezekiel lying underneath them, snoring and drooling onto her mattress.)

Katie: GET OUT OF MY BED! (She grabs him by his neck, and smashes his face into the wall. There is a crunch, and Ezekiel's eyes burst open.)

Ezekiel: That's not the proper way to wake someone up, ya know. When me mom wakes me up, she slightly strokes my cheek and croons my name. It is the perfect way to start my day.

Katie: Well, maybe _this _will get your day started! (She hurls him out the window of the cabin. There is a loud thud as he lands on the ground outside.)

Ezekiel (from outside): I'm warnin' ya. If Ezekiel doesn't start his day right, bad things happen. Bad things. (Katie hears Geoff's voice from outside.)

Geoff: You gotta start your day with Cheerios, man. They're full of vitamins and minerals, and help lower your cholesterol—(Katie angrily shuts the window and turns to Bridgette, who is folding up the twister mat, which is covered in all sorts of different fluids.)

Katie: Your boyfriend. He's gone next. He's a complete dick weed.

Bridgette: How could you say that about him? He's the only one who's helping the team have any fun!

Katie: _Fun_? I just found a sexist homeschool drooling his herpes-filled saliva into my bed cushion!

Bridgette: It was your choice to go all crazy last night, Katie.

Tyler: Yeah. Your choice. (Katie whips around to face him.)

Katie: What are _you _doing in here?

Tyler: Isn't there a party?

Katie: The party's over, you idiot!

Tyler: It is? Darn.

Katie: But hey! Here's a party for you!

Tyler: Really? What is it?

Katie: You can get down on your hands and knees and lick up all the Gatorade you spilled everywhere last night with your tongue! How's that for a party?

Tyler: Awesome! (He gets down on his hands and knees and immediately starts licking the floor.)

Katie (pointing to Tyler): See? These are the kinds of sickos we have on our team. And Geoff is the leading sicko of them all.

Bridgette: I'm not helping you vote out Geoff, okay? Get that through your head!

Katie: Oh, you will. (She grins evilly.) You will.

Tyler: Done! (He proudly displays his tongue to her, which is dark red.)

Katie: Now you can go lick the toilet seats.

Tyler: Why are you giving me so much fun? Thanks, Katie! (He sprints off.)

**Confession Cam**

**Katie: Seriously, when Owen left the competition, it seemed like he transferred his disgusting habits into the rest of the males in our cabin! They need to learn to clean up after themselves. (She stands up, and her feet make a squelch. Katie's eyes grow wide. She looks at the camera and sighs.) Including when they use the bathroom. **

**End of Confessionals**

_**Deep in the Wawanakwa Forest… **_

Alejandro: Where are you taking me? I demand to know! (Chef is pushing him down a dark, dirt pathway in the middle of the forest. Trees surround them, with creatures lurking and making weird noises from the thickets.)

Chef: You really wanna know? I'm taking you to a place where you'll be all alone, and no one will be able to hear you bitchin' about bein' all alone! (He smiles, and shoves Alejandro harder down the path. Alejandro trips, and his face lands in a puddle of mud. Chef cackles.)

Chef: How's that for a facial? That's the only kind of luxury you'll be getting here, soldier.

Alejandro: What is wrong with you? (He gets up, and wipes himself off.) I was enjoying myself with my lovely Heather, and then _you _come along and—

Chef: We're here. Welcome to your new home, my friend. (They've come to a clearing, where sun is streaming down through the tops of the trees. The rays are hitting a cabin, sitting in the very center of the clearing. It is rickety and grimy, and half the planks of wood are missing. A thick moss coats the outside.)

Alejandro: What the? What is this? You don't expect me to go inside there! That thing is covered in more moss than my Aunt Lupe!

Chef: Not yet. First I gotta rinse out all the tarantulas. (He takes out a power hose, and slams open the door to the cabin. Immediately, he shuts it on, and a gush of water blasts through the open doorway. Once the entire cabin has been rinsed out, Chef shuts the water hose back off and turns back to Alejandro, only to find the latino sprinting off into the forest in fear.)

Chef: They always run. But they can't run from me. (He aims the power hose at Alejandro, and lets it loose. A gush of water slams into the ladies man's back, knocking him to the ground. Chef walks over and leans over him.)

Chef: Let me explain a thing to you. You'll be living here from now on. You'll have to provide food for yourself. Care for yourself. I'm sure you can deal with solitary confinement, huh? But here's something to motivate you: you last long here, you get back in the game. Welcome to Redemption Cabin, beeyotch.

**Confession Cam**

**Alejandro (grinning from ear to ear): Now it all makes sense! The assault… the rape-like scenario… it was just Chris's sadistic way of bringing me back! Whatever this Redemption Cabin is, it sounds like the Alejandro's kind of place. It is obvious they brought me back because of my passion for the game, and my game-changing moves. I am the drama. The drama is me. Finally, the producers realized that! **

**Chef: Chris told me to get Owen and bring him. But how the heck should I know who Owen is? **

**End of Confessionals**

**Mess Hall**

Chris: Well, Final 15, you've made it this far. But this time, you'll be going forward, by going backward, which, by going backward, will further you forward.

Noah: I'm not even going to try to decipher that.

Chris: In other words, it's time for a day of nostalgia! You'll be traveling back to the first three seasons of Total Drama, and competing in the most popular challenges. And by popular, we mean painful! But those are synonyms, are they not? So, are you ready, Final 15? (He looks out at the eating tables and sees Noah is the only sitting there, with his book.)

Noah: Dude, no one else is in the Mess Hall but me.

Chris: Huh? Where's everyone else?

Noah: There's a little problem going on in the cabin. I prefer not to be a part of it. C'mon, let's enjoy the solitude, just you and me.

Chris: No! They need to be here! I spent a long time coming up with that dramatic prelude to the challenge! (He grins.) Time for my favorite button. (He whips out his remote control, and presses a button on it. Suddenly, all the Screaming Ivy team members go flying through the door, and crash-land on the floor. Gwen and Courtney are strangling each other; Izzy is waving a knife near Cody's crotch and laughing maniacally, making the skinny boy scream in fear; Beth is searching around for her glasses; Lindsay is walking around with Beth's glasses on and smashing into walls; and Trent is jumping around and trying to get a squirming Big Bertha out of his pants. They all realize where they are, and stop fighting.)

Lindsay: How'd we get here?

Chris: Like I would have a cabin built without an ejection panel. Now, gather around. We have a challenge to discuss.

Izzy: Aw, come on! Cody and I were having so much fun!

Cody: "Fun"? That's not what I consider "fun"!

Izzy: Oh, come on. I promise, whatever might've fallen off, I would've glued it back on.

Cody (turning to Chris): Chris, my man, I can't thank you enough.

Courtney: Okay, what's the challenge?

Chris: Wait a minute. First of all, we're missing a team, aren't we?

Trent: Doesn't look like we are. After all, we're the only _real _team.

Chris: Yep. I could definitely tell by the way Courtney was strangling Gwen. I could see a lot of teamwork in the way her hands worked together to squeeze the life force out of Gwen's lungs. (He stands there, proud, his hands on his hips.) That was pretty clever. I deserve an applause for that one. (Izzy runs over, and starts clapping her hands against Chris's face, slamming her palms into his cheeks. Chris angrily grabs her wrists.)

Chris: Not like that! Ow… I think you just crushed my jaw enhancers… So, are you sure there are fifteen of you? I learned the whole numbers lesson in my online math course, but I haven't quite gotten to higher counting yet.

Trent: You'll get there, Chris. I believe in you. But yeah, there are fifteen of us. (Suddenly, the door to the Mess Hall slams open, and in walk the Killer Redwoods.)

Harold: Trying to count us out, huh? (He waves his Nintendo DS in the air threateningly.)

Trent: Oops. Forgot you guys existed. Sometimes it's hard to realize we have any competition.

Katie (smirking): Says the guys whose team used his face as a chew toy for a rabid monster.

Trent: That was all in good humor. C'mon, Katie. Just look at the differences. Look at us! We have a team of the strongest plus Noah!

Noah (sarcastically): Oh, he's a clever one.

Trent: And what do you guys have?

Bridgette: Someone who isn't Trent. That's good enough to make any team go far.

Trent: Hardy-har. How many challenges have you guys lost in a row? Three? I believe it was.

Tyler: Oh yeah? Well who won the last challenge? Huh? (He looks at his team.) Wait… who won again?

Geoff: We did!

Tyler: Uh… yeah! WE DID!

Trent: Your point?

Tyler: Um… we did.

Gwen: I hate to break up the roast, but what's wrong with him? (She points to Ezekiel, who is slouched over, and drooling on the floor. His skin is starting to look just slightly green.)

DJ (trembling): E-Ezekiel? Are you okay, buddy?

Ezekiel: Didn't… start… me day… right… (He growls, and his eyes grow bloodshot. He grabs onto Bridgette's shirt sleeve.) Bridgette… whatever happens… just stay away, okay? Bad things are gonna happen. I think I might be havin' a relapse…

Bridgette: Of what? (Ezekiel doesn't respond. He just snarls, and curls up into a corner.)

Chris: I understand his pain. I always wake up to a caramel macchiato and a foot massage from Chef. If I don't wake up that way, my whole day's ruined. (Everybody stares at him.)

Courtney: Um… we don't really care.

Chris: Chef cares. (A tear runs down his cheek.) He's the only one who really cares.

Courtney: Just start the challenge, okay? We, the Final 15, deserve only the best, so I hope you prepared a well-thought out competition for us today.

Chris: If, by well-thought out, you mean explosions, then yes, I have a very well-thought out competition. Okay, everyone settle down. Sit at your respective tables. Ezekiel, you too. (Ezekiel, in response, hurls a sock at Chris's face, and roars.)

Ezekiel: ROOOOAAARRR! FOR LIBERTY, OR SOCKS! GRBLSNRKGRBLSNRK….

Chris: Or not. Now, Final 15, you've made it this far. But this time, you'll be going forward, by going backward, which, by going backward, will further you forward.

Gwen: I'm not even going to try to decipher that.

Chris: What's so hard to understand? We're just going to be competing in the best challenges from the first three seasons! But, here's the catch: you'll be doing them with your teams from those respective seasons seasons.

Beth: What if we didn't compete in one of the seasons?

Chris: Then you'll be doing the challenge with all the other losers who didn't make it.

Katie: What _are _these challenges? (Suddenly, the door slams open, and in walks Chef Hatchet.)

Chris: Ah! Chef! Back from your little kidnapping, aren't you?

Chef: Yep. He's in the middle of the woods. I feel bad for him, too. He was only wearing a thong. I'm sure he'll get pretty cold at night.

Katie: I'm not sure if I want to know what's going on here.

Chris: Oh yeah, campers, I guess I might as well tell you. From now on, when you're voted off the island, you won't be leaving. At least, not yet. You'll be taking a ten-mile trek through the woods, to the very center. There, waiting for you, is Redemption Cabin. You will have to live alone there, until another camper is eliminated. The two of you will then fight in a duel to stay alive in the game. The person who wins the duel gets to stay in Redemption Cabin, and continue fending for themselves. At one point, the person still in Redemption Cabin will get to return to the game, and take vengeance on the cold-hearted bastards who voted them out.

Tyler (grinning): Sounds like my kind of place. (He starts doing jumping jacks.) If it involves athleticism, I'm the man for the job!

Chris: That's the problem, though. You could expect anything for a duel. Some involve small explosions. Some involve medium explosions. Some involve big explosions. But, you can safely assume, that there will be explosions.

Izzy: Yay! This is so exciting! We get to fight in death duels!

Chris: No no no. There's no death involved. Maybe licking ice cream off of Chef's nipples, but no death.

Izzy: How else do we win?

Chris: By beating the other person at the challenge!

Izzy: Can't we just kill them?

Chris: No! You can't! My, you're disturbed.

Trent: Wait. You said there's someone already there. Who?

Chris: Well, based off of popularity, we chose Owen. So he's there as we speak. Probably stinking up the place, too.

Trent: Good. As long as it's not Alejandro, I'm a-ok.

Harold: Wait a minute. You said Owen was wearing a _thong_. As far as my recollection goes, he's not the type to wear something like that.

Chris: According to my recollection, I don't care. He wears what he wants. (He looks at Chef.) You _did _get Owen, right?

Chef: Who's Owen?

Chris: Eh, he probably got Owen. If he didn't, who cares? There's somebody awaiting you at Redemption Cabin. In the middle of the woods. Wearing a thong.

Noah: Yeah… I'm not sure I want to go there, now, when you put it that way.

Chris: Well, you have to. It's part of the game. Oh yeah. To watch these duels, you can only send two members from your team. The members can then report back to the rest of the team what happened. Whether they choose to tell the truth or not, that's their choice.

Courtney: Wow. I'm pleasantly surprised. For once, you came up with a completely original and strategically brilliant creation! I assume you came up with this yourself?

Chris: Um… yeah. Let's go with that.

**Confession Cam**

**Chris: What? So what if I completely ripped off Survivor? That Survivor host, Jeff Probst, should be happy that I stole his idea. Mmm… Jeff Probst… he's got a nice butt… I wish I had a butt like Jeff Probst… **

**Courtney: Does this whole Redemption Cabin thing change my gameplay at all? Not really. I never plan to get eliminated, anyway. But it's nice to know I have a backup option. **

**Chris: Yeah… if Courtney gets sent to Redemption Cabin, we might end up cancelling it. Or Trent. Or Katie, for that matter. Why am I confessing, anyway? Jeff Probst never confesses. It makes him seem like a man of mystery. If only I knew what he thought of me… I hope he likes me. I like me. **

**Geoff: Hey, Redemption Cabin sounds like a real party. I wouldn't mind getting sent there. I could turn the place into a nightclub! **

**Tyler (plops down hard on the seat, and cringes): Ouch. I think I'm gonna need some redemption on my butt, now. **

**Lindsay: Redemption… is that a Chinese dish? I really like Chinese food. Especially the egg rolls. (She sits there, staring at the camera.) I'm confused. **

**Beth: I wouldn't mind facing Lindsay in a Redemption Cabin duel. Lately she's been super annoying! She's kept on stealing my glasses and walking around with them on! She's broken them ten times! I'm running out of paste to put them back together with. Luckily, Harold has a lot of paste with him. I wonder why? **

**Harold: Paste is an important part of a man's diet. (He squirts some into his mouth.)**

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: Well, after that awkward stream of confessionals, I guess it's time to start with the first of three challenges. But before we get to all of that, we all get to enjoy a special treat: a montage of some of the most memorable moments in Total Drama's past. Chef and I spent a long time making this. We hope you enjoy it. (Chef rolls in a TV, and Chris whips out his remote. He turns the TV on. A voice blasts out of the set.)

_Deep voice: In the first three seasons of Total Drama, it was rare not to see some amazing shit. We've had drama… (Shows Chris smiling a toothy grin at the camera)… action… (Shows Chris smiling a toothy grin at the camera)… romance… (Shows Chris smiling a toothy grin at the camera)… comedy… (Shows Chris smiling a toothy grin at the camera)… hope and passion… (Shows Chris smiling a toothy grin at the camera)… and of course, beautiful moments that will last a lifetime. (Shows Chris smiling a toothy grin at the camera.) _(The TV shuts off. Immediately, Chris comes walking back out, sobbing uncontrollably.)

Chris: *sob* Was that not the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?

Cody: It was just the same picture of you over and over again!

Chris: Yes, but that picture conveys a lot of emotions, does it not? It really sums up the experience we've all had on Total Drama. (He chokes on a sob.) This is really what I live for. (He sniffles a few more times, and then looks at them.) I want you to promise me something. Make the future of Total Drama beautiful. (He points at the picture of himself, frozen on the TV screen.) Just like its past.

Bridgette: Well, that was the most conceited thing I've ever heard.

Chris: Not conceited. Beautiful! Now, where were we? Oh yeah. The first of three challenges. This one's from Total Drama World Tour!

Courtney: Is it the one where we get to put someone on the rack?

Chris: You violent girl, of course not! It's something better. First of all, let's reminisce upon the season. Total Drama World Tour was known for its clunky editing, numerous goofs, off-key songs, and the destruction of the character known as Ezekiel. Not to mention the fact that we stopped passing out barf bags after episode seven, even though we said we'd do it until the end of the season.

Gwen: Why did you guys stop doing that, anyway?

Chris: Hey, blame the writers. You can also blame them for the two newbies making the Final Four, Cody not singing for nine episodes straight and still not getting eliminated, and Team Victory's retarded and completely unsurprising demise. But other than that, Total Drama World Tour was AMAZING!

Trent: It doesn't sound too amazing.

Chris: Well, it was. Did you see that scene where I was talking? Best scene ever! There were plenty of fun challenges around the world, too, but one challenge stood out the most.

DJ: What is it? The bobsled challenge?

Chris: It's better. First, everyone into the Total Drama Jet.

Chef: Uhh.. Chris?

Chris: Yes?

Chef: We don't have a Total Drama Jet.

Chris: Heh heh heh… Chef, you're too funny. Of course we do. (He points out the window at the ground outside.) It's parked right out there. (He turns, looks out the window, and realizes it isn't there.) Wha-? Where'd it go?

Chef: Chris, I don't know what medication you're on, but the Jumbo Jet was destroyed by Sierra. Almost four months ago. (Chris's eyes grow wide.)

Chris: Heh… heh…

Geoff: Dude? Are you okay?

Chris: I-I'm f-fine… (He splits a big grin, and his left eyelid starts twitching.) We don't need a Jumbo Jet. I just need more… (His hand shaking, he takes out some pills, and pop them into his mouth.) Ahh…

Chef: Are you seriously taking drugs to make you forget about the Jumbo Jet explosion?

Chris: What Jumbo Jet? What explosion? Now, campers, it's time for the most beloved challenge of the season: the Slap Dance Party!

Lindsay: Oh, I hated that challenge. It was so painful…

Courtney: You didn't even compete!

Lindsay: Oh yeah.

Chris: So, off we go! To the top of Mount Wawanakwa!

Gwen: You don't expect us to actually climb up it, do you?

Chris: Why not? You could use the exercise. And we don't have a Jumbo Jet. We don't. (Chris's eyes burst open.) WE DON'T? (He grabs more pills, and pops them into his mouth.) Ahh… That's better…

Beth: That's really messed up.

Chris: Well, you know what's also messed up?

Beth: What?

Chris: I don't know. I couldn't come up with a good comeback.

**Confession Cam**

**Gwen: Chris becomes more pitiful by the day. He probably already wears adult diapers. **

**Cody: I don't have good memories of the Slap Slap Revolution challenge. The lederhosen… (He shudders.) Not today. I am not wearing the penalty hosen. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Wawanakwa Peak**

(The players are standing atop Mount Wawanakwa, at the very peak. Snow is covering the ground, and before them stand four raised dance platforms, flashing disco lights illuminating the ice.)

Chris: Well, here we are. In Germany.

Harold: Not exac—

Chris: WE'RE IN GERMANY! Now, we're going to do this like we did it last time. First, we need to split into the four teams of the season. Team Amazon, over on the first platform. Team Chris is Really Really Really Really Hot over on the second platform. Team Victory over on the third platform, if there are any of you guys left. And Team Losers Who Didn't Make The Season over on the fourth and final platform. (The players shuffle around, until they are standing on their respective wooden platforms. Cody, Gwen, and Courtney stand for Team Amazon; Tyler, Izzy, and Noah stand for Team Chris Is Really Really Really Really Hot; Ezekiel, Lindsay, Bridgette, DJ, and Harold stand for Team Victory; and Geoff, Trent, Katie, and Beth stand for the loser team.)

Katie: Um, excuse me, Chris, but can you give us a different name? We shouldn't be referred to as the "losers". We're some of the most popular characters on the show!

Chris: "Popular"? Ha! I'll have you know, Katie, that there's an anonymous reviewer who goes by the name of *blank* and claims they won't stop reviewing until they see you eliminated.

Katie: Um… what are you talking about?

Chris: I really have no idea. (He looks over at Team Victory.) My, you're large. How come there are so many of you?

Bridgette (glaring): What, just because we failed last season, you think we'll fail this season?

Chris: No no. I'm fine with seeing you win. Just as long as it's not Team Amazon.

Cody: What's wrong with us?

Chris: You won, like, every single frickin' challenge last season! I know the producers we're all into female rights, whatever those are, but seriously? It was just too much! And when you did lose, it was a fake elimination ceremony! But enough about you females. Let's start with the challenge.

Izzy: Yes! The challenge! Are you ready, guys? Let's get pumped! (She lifts up Noah in one hand, Tyler in the other, and then starts juggling them, hurling them high up into the air like beanbags.)

Noah: Ahhhhh! Put us down! (Izzy catches him by the back of his pants, and then flicks her wrist upward, making him spiral up into the air, screaming like a little girl.)

Tyler: Yeah! You're making me sick! (Izzy catches both of them, and then grins. She then stretches her arms out wide, with Noah in one hand, and Tyler in the other. Suddenly, she starts spinning so fast that she becomes an orange blur. Tyler and Noah are both whipped around, unable to even scream because the speed of the vortex is so high. Izzy suddenly lets go of them, and the two go spinning off the wooden platform in two different directions. They both crash into the ground in a huge blast of snow. They then lay there, groaning in pain. Chris and Chef both laugh at them, until suddenly, Izzy has them lifted off the ground, and is juggling Chris and Chef, instead.)

Chris: Whoa! What are you doing? Put us down now! Put us down or you don't get your dynamite shot!

Beth: Her _what_?

Izzy: *sigh* Fine… (She gently puts the two down. Chris walks back up to the front of the wooden platforms, and addresses the campers again.)

Chris: So, it's just like last time. Eight of you will be competing in the Slap Dance competition. However, unlike last time, when there were three teams, there are four teams now. Which means a whole new wave of mathematic complications.

Courtney: Are you serious? Each team should just choose two members!

Chris: No no, that doesn't make sense. (He starts to think. His face turns dark red, and sweat drips down his face. He curls up into a ball, vibrating in pain, his teeth clenched.)

Gwen: Only Chris could make thinking look like torture.

Geoff: Heh, you don't want to see me when I think. It's not a pretty sight. That's why I only think when necessary.

Katie (scowling at him): That would explain your huge barbarian bash last night.

Geoff: Do we really need to go back to that? Parties are not something you think about afterwards. Trust me, sometimes you don't want to remember them. (He cringes.) The Soccer Moms… But however crazy some parties may get, you need to realize that they're healthy for the soul! Parties are essential to your existence! Without parties, like, we don't have parties!

Katie (sarcastically): Geoff the psychologist is at it again, folks.

Geoff: That's the party monologue I use with dangerous cases like you. You must know about the organ, right? The Party Box? Anyways, your party box is sometimes a big organ, sometimes a small organ. It all depends on how much partying you do. You want a nice, big, healthy party box.

Katie: It doesn't exist.

Geoff: Whoa. I think yours might've already shriveled up and died. But perhaps it can be saved. I'll need to prescribe you to a healthy dose of daily partying. I'd say, three parties a day. One with a piñata. Two without. You got it?

Katie: How am I going to party three times a day?

Geoff: Have a party when you're waking up! Have a party when you're brushing your teeth! Have a party when you're using the toilet! So many party opportunities surround us, and we're simply wasting them! (His eyes well up with tears.) The world is slowly losing its partying. It needs to be saved. Together, all of us, can make a difference. Change our future. Together!

DJ: Amen, brother. (Suddenly, Chris stops shaking, and stands up.)

Chris: I've got it! After a lot of thinking, I've realized the best way to get eight contestants from four teams. (He thinks for a second.) How did I do this? Oh yeah. Team Amazon, you give me four members.

Courtney: There are only three of us—

Chris: Team Chris Is Really Really Really Really Hot, you give me half a member. (Izzy takes out a machete and waves it excitedly at Tyler.)

Chris: Team Victory, you give me five members. And Team Losers, you give me negative one and half members. (He scrunches up his eyebrows in confusion.) It sounded better in my head.

Trent: How the hell are we supposed to give you negative members?

Chris: Well, you and Katie are pretty negative, right? Face the facts, Trent. Five plus four plus one half minus one and one half equals eight! After all, in an equation, it's not about how you get the answer, but the answer itself.

Harold: Gosh, this is ridiculous! What's your reasoning behind this?

Chris: Uhh… numbers!

Harold: Yeah? What about them?

Chris: Um… numbers. I don't know, I haven't really gotten past that lesson yet in my online course.

Noah: Dude, just let us each give you two members.

Chris: Oh yeah? Says you and what army?

Noah: All fifteen of us.

Chris: Damn. That's a pretty big army. Okay, each team pick two members. Oh, and one more thing. To give you an idea of just how high the stakes are: every person on the team that wins this challenge also wins immunity. Same with the next two challenges. By the end of the day, the people who never won immunity will be the only people you can vote for. So yeah. (Courtney turns to Gwen and Cody, and smiles.)

Courtney: You two can be my stars, okay? (She grits her teeth.) Don't screw it up.

Cody: How could I screw it up? Alejandro just caught me off guard last time.

Courtney: Well, you need to be completely focused this time. You got it?

Gwen: Why don't _you _go, Courtney, if you want to win so badly?

Courtney: Because I can't be messing up this face, okay? Trent would hate it if it happened.

Gwen: Oh, so this is about Trent, huh? You just want to stay pretty for him? You should've listened to Alejandro. The creep's gonna backstab you. It'll be a blindside, I bet.

Cody (staring at her butt): Mmm… hindside…

Gwen: Stop it, you weirdo! Listen, Courtney, you do what you want. But if you want to take Trent down, I'm always open.

Courtney: Thanks, but no thanks.

**Confession Cam**

**Courtney: Gwen offered me a chance to take down Trent and make it far into the game. I have to tell you, it was actually pretty hard to resist. Trent, no offense, is hated by the rest of the team. It might be my best move to switch sides. But I've seen Trent to be quite the charmer. He just needs to put that charm on before every vote, and we'll make it through. But what was with all that banter he had with Katie in the Mess Hall? It seemed like flirting to me. (She turns away.) Not like I care. **

**Gwen: Courtney and Trent? No, just no. It's like pan grease and kitchen mold. The two are both revolting, but still don't belong together. (Suddenly, Chef sticks his head through the window, tears running down his cheeks.)**

**Chef: Now that, **_**that **_**was a kitchen simile, soldier. I'm proud of you. But the truth is, kitchen mold and pan grease actually do go well sometimes together. I make a pretty good soup out of the two. **

**Gwen (looking at the camera): Okay, why is there a window into this place? **

**End of Confessionals**

Izzy: I'm competing. We know that. But which one of you? (She beckons to Noah and Tyler.)

Noah: I'll pass. (He takes out a book.) I'll just read this.

Izzy: What's that? I thought I burned all your books!

Noah (his eyelid twitching): You did. But Gwen was nice enough to lend me one. Can't say I'm enjoying it, though. (Tyler takes it from his hands, and looks at it.)

Tyler: "The Darkness That Surrounds Me: A Guide to Hating the World and its Inhabitants".

Izzy: Sounds sexy.

Noah: Not so much. It's like death was compacted into a three hundred page encyclopedia. But hey, it's something. Tyler, you think you can lend me any books?

Tyler: Yeah, I got some sports magazines.

Noah: No, like real books.

Tyler: Nah. I learned my lesson about reading books when I was in third grade. The lesson was, don't read em.

Noah: Okay, so you're uneducated. I now pity you. How about you, Izzy? Do you have any books?

Izzy: I have this machete. (She holds it up, and smiles.)

Noah: That's not a book. (Izzy takes a step closer, the machete now raised high over her head and a big grin on her face.)

Izzy: I have this machete.

Noah: Stay away!

Izzy: Ha! I'm just kidding, Noah. I wouldn't chop you up. (She doesn't seem too certain about this. Meanwhile, Team Victory is trying to choose their members, but no one seems to want to compete.)

DJ: Oh, whatever. I'll compete. What's the worst that can happen?

Bridgette: See? DJ wants to help. Harold, how about you? (She looks at Harold, and sees that he has his tongue jammed in the cartridge of his Nintendo DS.)

Harold: Sorry. I can't. I got my tongue stuck in here.

DJ: How'd it get in there in the first place?

Harold: Uhh…

Bridgette: You know what? I don't want to know. Lindsay? Could you take one for the team?

Lindsay: I'm blonde.

Bridgette: So? How does that keep you from helping the team?

Lindsay: You wouldn't understand what it means to be a blonde, Brenta. It's a lot more complicated than you think.

Bridgette: I _am _a blonde! Fine, be a wimp. Ezekiel? (She looks at him, and sees that he now only has a few strands of hair left, and all his teeth have turned yellow. He is digging through the ground for something.) Okay, not Ezekiel. *sigh*… I guess I'll go. But I'm a pacifist.

DJ: Same.

Bridgette: Wow. The two pacifists are representing our team. No wonder we lost every challenge when we were together.

**Confession Cam**

**Bridgette: Team Victory just wasn't a team that could win together. Lindsay's useless. Harold's creepy. And Ezekiel… need I say any more about Ezekiel? **

**Ezekiel: Garrr! (He grabs the toilet seat, and stuffs it in his mouth.)**

**End of Confessionals**

Beth: Ready, guys? We're going to prove to everyone we're not losers! We're winners!

Katie: We won't be winning anything when he's wearing _that_. (She points at Trent, who is wearing a beanie.)

Trent: What? It warms my ears. I love my beanie. Almost as much as I love mangoes. But never sliced. Only diced. If my mangoes aren't diced, I go beserk.

Katie (staring at him in disgust): Look at you. And I actually thought you were a decent player. But you're just like the rest of them. Pointlessly random.

Trent: I am not!

Katie: Uh, yeah you are. Mangoes? What does that have to do with the challenge right now?

Trent: Mangoes are very important! They have vitamin A!

Geoff: No fighting, guys. We need to stay strong. As a team! So, I'm going to be one of the competitors. Who wants to be the other one?

Trent: I'll do it. It's obvious _Katie_ doesn't want to help the team in any way. (A tear rolls down his cheek, and freezes there.) She insulted my beanie.

Geoff: There there… (He pats Trent on the back.)

**Confession Cam**

**Trent: I don't like Katie. I don't like her one bit. Her attitude is not one I'd like to associate myself with. (He looks at the camera.) What? Courtney's just as bad? No way! That's ridiculous.**

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: Okay, so we have our eight competitors. Cody and Gwen will be representing Team Amazon. Izzy and Tyler for Team Chris Is Really Really Really Really Hot. DJ and Bridgette for Team Victory. And Trent and Geoff for Team Losers. Now, before we start the battles, let's all put on the lederhosen! Good news, too. We have enough for all eight of you!

Cody: NOOOOOO—(He is cut off by a pair being stuffed in his mouth by Chef.)

Chef: You're gonna wear it, and you're gonna like it. (One by one, a pair of lederhosen is passed out to everyone.)

Gwen: I am not wearing this.

Chris: Oh, come on! Lederhosen are a very popular fashion choice in Germany!

DJ (holding up his pair, which is the size of a tomato): Don't you think this is a little small?

Chris: Nope. We like em extra tight. Now, once you have those on, step up onto the platforms way up there. (He points about a hundred feet up, to where the dance platforms stand.)

Beth: Why are they so high up?

Chris: So when you fall off the platform, it's a lot more fun to watch. But don't worry. The snow will be there to cushion your fall.

Noah: The snow's as hard as rock! It's coated in a thick layer of ice!

Chris: Hey, I didn't say it would cushion your fall all that nicely. (He smirks.) Okay, I need my eight competitors to follow me! To the top of the platforms!

_**Five Minutes Later…**_

Chris: Okay, do I have my eight competitors? You didn't get lost in the awkward time transition? Good. So, here are the matchups. Trent, you'll be up against Izzy.

Trent: No! Anyone but that! Please!

Chris: It's too late. The decision is final. The next matchup: Tyler versus Bridgette.

Tyler: Hell yeah! Woo! (He jumps forward excitedly, but jumps too far, and goes flying off the platform.)

Chris: And there he goes. Someone better bring him back up. Okay, who else is there? Oh yeah. Geoff and DJ, you guys will have to put your friendship aside and fight for your team. And Gwen and Cody. You two are the final matchup.

Gwen: What the? But Chris, we're on the same team!

Chris: I know. Let's just say, I really want Team Amazon to lose. Now, everyone get onto their respective platform, and we'll start this game up! (Suddenly, Tyler has clambered back up onto the platform.)

Tyler: I'm back. And this time, I—(He tries to get up, but when he does, he slips, and goes sliding off the platform again.)

**Confessional Cam**

**Tyler: I wouldn't say I'm clumsy. I'm actually quite balanced. Not many people can keep their balance like this, just sitting on the toilet. (He suddenly tumbles to the side off the edge of the toilet seat, and crashes into the floor.) Darn! And I had almost been able to keep my balance for ten whole seconds! **

**Trent: When you're about to face off against Izzy, there are many things you most likely will need. A jock strap is one of them. My family jewels will not be suffering this time.**

**Bridgette: I'm pretty sure I can beat Tyler without having to touch him. **

**Cody: Chris said I had to fight against Gwen. And I knew right away that I couldn't possibly hurt her. I needed to find a way to show her how much I care. So now, when I sacrifice myself, she won't be able to resist me. I'm gonna pull it off perfectly. **

**DJ: I didn't want to fight my buddy Geoff. He's always been there for me. I mean, sure we've had a few rough times, but that's all in good nature. Except for when I touch his hat. That's when he loses it. **

**End of Confessionals**

(The campers now stand on their platforms in their lederhosen, facing each other.)

Chris: Okay, Chef, turn up the music! And campers, that's when you can fight! (Chef takes out a stereo, and cranks up the volume. Polka music starts blasting out of it.)

Chris: Oh, I love this song… you wanna dance, Chef?

Chef: No.

Chris (frowning): You're no fun. (Over on the platform farthest from the stereo, Cody and Gwen are watching each other.)

Gwen: So, I guess we have to fight.

Cody: Gwen, you know I can't. So I have to do this. I know you don't want me to, but it's time. I… goodbye, Gwen. GOODBYE! (He dives backward off the edge of the platform. However, he hits his head on the wood on his way down, and then goes spiraling out of control, landing in the woods somewhere.)

Gwen: Okay… that was odd. (Meanwhile, Trent and Izzy are both in ready stances, when Trent takes a swing at her. He misses by a couple of feet, and Izzy laughs.)

Izzy: Ha! Fun! Okay, my turn! And I choose… poisonous scorpion! (Before Trent can react, Izzy has dropped a scorpion into his pants. Trent's eyes grow wide, and he starts screaming as the scorpion squirms around inside his britches. He runs around, yelling in pain for a few minutes, before he goes running off the edge of the platform, and lands with a smack on the hard ice below.)

Chris: Gwen and Izzy have both won their fights! In surprisingly fast time, too. But what is occurring between Bridgette and Tyler?

Tyler: It's time for me to win! (With that, he lunges at Bridgette. All the surfer girl does is step out of the way, and Tyler goes flying right past her, stilling yelling a battle cry.)

Chris: Bridgette wins! Man, are all the guys idiots? But who will win the DJ and Geoff fight? (He starts wiggling to the polka music.) Man, I love this music. It just makes me want to dance! (He wiggles even more, his arms and legs like noodles, flapping to the beat.)

Noah: And now I'm scarred for life. (Meanwhile, DJ and Geoff are both sizing each other up, but refusing to throw a punch.)

DJ: Geoff… I don't want to hurt you. You've been a good friend to me.

Geoff: DJ, I… I need to win this. For my team. (With that, he aims a punch at DJ's chest. However, his fist ricochets off DJ's torso and slams into his own face, making him stumble backwards off the edge of the platform. Down he sails, and lands straight on Katie, crushing her beneath him.)

Geoff: Whoa… that was weird.

Katie: Get off of me! (Geoff gets up, and smiles.)

Geoff: I may not have won, but at least I lost to DJ. Go DJ! You beat them girls!

Chris: So, DJ, Bridgette, Izzy, and Gwen move on to the semifinals. Two Team Victory members, one Team I Am So Hunky Dory Hot member, and one Team Amazon member. Surprise, surprise, no Team Loser members.

Katie (angrily): Nice going, guys. You managed to both get out in less than five seconds each!

Trent: Izzy dropped a scorpion in my pants! What was I supposed to do?

Beth: It's okay, Katie. It's just one challenge. I'm sure you'll be able to win immunity in the next one.

Katie: I better. Or someone's going to find a lot more than just a scorpion in their pants. (Trent scowls at her.)

Chris: Okay, so the semifinal matchups are: DJ versus Izzy, and Gwen versus Bridgette. Get onto your platforms, and then we'll start up the music again! (The players reshuffle, so that Izzy and DJ are standing on a platform together and Bridgette and Gwen are standing together.)

Chris: And… begin! (He turns on the polka music. Izzy smiles at DJ.)

Izzy: C'mon, make the first move. (Nervously, DJ takes a shaky swing at her stomach. He misses by a lot, and Izzy grins.)

Izzy: Now I get to take a turn! I choose… beehive! (She takes out a buzzing beehive, and stuffs it in DJ's mouth. The brickhouse screams a muffled scream, and flies over the edge, with the bees surrounding his face and stinging it excitedly.)

Chris: And Izzy is moving on to the Finals by making the marshmallow's face swell up like a marshmallow! Ha. I crack myself up.

Beth: Chris, that can't possibly legal.

Chris: It probably isn't. But why the f*** do I care? (He beckons to DJ, who still has a cloud of bees buzzing around his head.) That's quality TV! So Izzy makes it to Finals. Who will join her?

Bridgette: Chris, we refuse to fight each other.

Chris: Why? You've only been friends for like, three years. I'd gladly beat up friends I've only known for three years.

Gwen: Well, you don't have any friends, so how would you know?

Harold: Aw, come on! I want to see a catfight! I brought a high-definition camera, too. To get the best pictures of the action. You owe me a catfight.

Gwen: We don't owe you anything!

Harold: Actually, you do. I have readers awaiting these very pictures on my blog. So get at it, ladies! Make sure you really get into it, too. Luckily, this particular camera is a Rangefinder camera. Rangefinder cameras allow the distance to objects to be measured by means of a coupled parallax unit on top of the camera, allowing the focus to be set with accuracy. In other words, I'm a pervert. (Gwen and Bridgette look at each other.)

Gwen: Should I beat him up, or you?

Bridgette: Eh, I'm a pacifist, but I'll make an exception just this once. (She lunges off the platform, straight at Harold, and rips his camera away from him. She then smashes it into the ground, and it breaks on the hard ice.)

Harold: NOOO! That had all my catfight photos on it! Do you realize how many million dollar shots I got of Heather and Leshawna? Or the beautiful angles I got with my Katie and Izzy fight album?

Chris: I would've bought those. (He sees everyone glaring at him.) What? I would've. Now, for this final fight between Gwen and Izzy, you can use only your fists. So, I'm gonna need you to give me all the weapons you have, Izzy. (Izzy takes out a bazooka, and fires it at him. The beam slams straight into the host, burning him to a crisp.) I said _give_ them to me, not _fire _them at me!

Izzy: Eh, not as fun. (But one by one, she gives him her weapons, ranging from an alligator to a rocket launcher. Finally, she pulls out her last item: a pair of Alejandro pants.)

Izzy: Aw, do I have to get rid of these?

Chris: I don't know why you have them, and it kind of disturbs me, but you need to hand them over. They'll be a souvenir for Chef.

Izzy: Darn. Now the beast will never be complete.

Chris: I don't even want to know what you mean by that. Okay, Gwen and Izzy, are you ready? Oh yeah. One more thing. There'll be no music this round. Because _you'll _be the music! (A ding ding suddenly rings out over the mountain.)

Gwen: Oh god. I know that sound all too well.

Chris: Yes. You must sing while you fight! Or you're automatically out of the game! For good!

Gwen: Yeah right. Like we're going to believe that.

Cody: I don't know. I think I would take Chris's threat seriously, Gwen. He might eliminate you if you don't sing.

Courtney: Cody, you only sang in like, less than half the songs you were supposed to sing in! Why should you be talking?

Cody: I was singing. In my heart. Chris could hear it.

Chris: No I couldn't. Like I said, the writers started smoking marijuana a few episodes into the writing process, so they forgot all the rules to the competition that they created. That would explain a lot of things that happened in season 3. But I think singing would be helpful to smoothening this challenge.

Izzy: Can't we just slap each other to a certain beat, or something like that?

Chris: You know what? Just start fighting. You don't need to sing.

Harold: Can I sing? I belt a lovely soprano—

Chris: No.

**Confession Cam**

**Harold: Chris doesn't accept the fact that I have the voice of an angel. Listen! (He puts his palm to his chest, and starts singing.) Ohhhh… (The camera shatters.)**

**End of Confessionals**

(Gwen and Izzy face each other, as Chris turns on the polka music.)

Chris: Okay, my little brussel sprouts… you may begin!

Gwen: Listen, Izzy, I don't want to hurt you—OW! (She looks down and sees that Izzy has bitten down on her arm. She tries to shake the redhead off, but Izzy isn't letting go.)

Tyler: That's right, Izzy! You go all cannibalistic on her!

Cody: Gwen! Izzy's biting you!

Gwen (cringing in pain): You seriously don't think I've noticed that? (Suddenly, she gets an idea. Using all her strength, she heaves Izzy up into the air, and then slams her down onto the dance platform. She does this multiple times, until Izzy finally lets go. The crazy girl hits the platform hard, and almost tumbles off the edge. But she grins dangerously, and springs back up, now on her hands.)

Izzy: I hope you have a foot fetish. (She starts smacking Gwen's face with her feet. Gwen responds by grabbing Izzy's feet and flipping her over so she crashes back into the platform. Harold is watching all this and sobbing.)

Harold: So many perfect shots… wasted… because of you! (He points at Bridgette accusingly.) BECAUSE OF YOOOOUUU! (Meanwhile, Ezekiel is scrounging around in the snow, when he hears the sounds of the fight, and his ears perk up. He sniffs the air. He looks over at the long beam holding up the platform, and licks his lips.)

Ezekiel: Mmm… potato. (The creature crawls over, and rubs the beam in interest. He gives it just a tiny lick. Then a yellow, haggard grin breaks over his ugly face. Immediately, he starts gnawing excitedly on the beam, chewing through layer after layer of wood. Slowly, the platform starts to sway… Meanwhile, at the top of the platform, Gwen and Izzy notice this, and stop fighting.)

Izzy: Have I been sniffing too much body lotion, or is the platform swaying?

Gwen: It's definitely moving. (She looks over at Chris, who is flossing his teeth.) Chris! What's going on? Is this part of the challenge?

Chris: Yes, flossing is definitely part of the challenge of keeping good oral hygeine. (He points at the camera and smiles a shiny grin.) Remember that, kids! If you want shiny, pearly white teeth like mine, you really gotta get in between those chompers!

Gwen: We're not talking about dental shit! We're talking about the fact that we think the platform is about to tip over!

Chris: Flossing helps strengthen your gums. (He opens up his mouth, proudly displaying his gums.)

Lindsay (pointing): Hey! It looks like Edward is trying to strengthen his teeth!

Chef: What the? (He stops staring at Lindsay's boobs, and turns his gaze to Ezekiel, who is still gnawing away at the wooden pole. About a third of it is gone.)

Chef: Hey! Homeschool! Stop with that right now! (When Ezekiel doesn't stop, he gets up, and starts sprinting towards the rabid monster. Once Chef gets to the beam, he grabs onto Ezekiel's legs, and tugs.) Let go! (Ezekiel's arms break free from the pole, but his mouth stays attached, gnawing away at the support. The beam starts to rock back and forth, tossing Izzy and Gwen around.)

Gwen (clinging to the top of the platform): Get us down from here!

Izzy: No way! This is awesome!

Chef: Let go, beaver boy! (Now, only half of the beam is left. It tips to one side, and stays there, slowly tipping more and more in that direction. Gwen starts hyperventilating.)

Gwen: Please don't let us die, please don't let us die… (Ezekiel keeps gnawing, until suddenly, he breaks through the core of the wood. With a huge groaning sound, the beam starts to fall sideways, with Gwen screaming and Izzy laughing as it heads straight to the ground. Cody sees this, and runs over.)

Cody: I'll save you, Gwen! (He puts his hands up to catch the beam. He looks up, and sees the large shadow descending upon him. He tenses his body, prepared to hold it up. Instead, he is crushed beneath it, as the platform slams into the snowy ground. There is a huge explosion of wood and metal. As it clears away, both Gwen and Izzy are seen lying on the ground, groaning.)

Courtney: Well, now who won? Chris! Can you come down here?

Chris: Hm? (He looks up, his mouth full of mouthwash, and sees the fallen beam.) Mm. (He taps his watch, and continues to swish the mouthwash around in his mouth. After about forty more seconds, he spits the mouthwash out, and it lands right on Noah's head, soaking his hair.)

Noah: Lovely.

Chris: Sorry. I had to rinse and spit for two minutes. I still had forty seconds to go. (He winks at the camera.) And that is the importance of keeping your mouth clean, kiddies.

Katie: Who are you _talking_ to?

Chris: Why, the kids of North America, of course!

Trent: Or the kids you have hidden in your bedroom closet.

Chris: Do the two really cancel each other out? (Ignoring the campers' shocked facial expressions, he jumps down from the top of his platform, and lands on the wreckage of the fallen one.) Now… what happened here? (Chef crawls out of the demolition with Ezekiel in one hand and scowls.)

Chef: If you had been payin' attention and not tryin' to rinse out the fluids that really don't belong in your mouth, you would know!

Chris: I'm gonna let that one slide, Chef, because I know how defensive you are on the topic of brushing. Face it, Chef; you've got a gap between your teeth the size of the Grand Canyon!

Chef: Well, at least I didn't go cleaning old ladies' dentures with my tongue back in the 1980's!

Chris: *gasp* I can't believe you would go there, Chef. I was desperate back then. Desperate to find myself.

Gwen: And I'm desperate to erase the last few minutes of this conversation from my mind.

Chris: Gwen! Even after probably suffering a concussion, you still are able to maintain your quick wit and harsh tongue.

Gwen: Hey, a harsh tongue is better than a tongue that's been touching old womens' dent—

Chris: Nice going, Chef. Now they'll never let me hear the end of it.

Noah: You got that right, bud. Especially after you so kindly gave me a mouthwash shower.

Chris: Hey, I was doing you a favor. You know how all the fangirls love seeing your hair wet.

Noah: Not with the saliva of some forty-year-old pedophile with a tooth fetish!

Chris: Watch your mouth. You might be needing a pair of dentures soon if you keep your cynical comments flowing.

Courtney: Okay, enough of this. Who won, Chris? Gwen or Izzy?

Chris: Well, after carefully reviewing the tape of the disastrous ending to this challenge in high-def freeze cam… ha, get it? Freeze cam? Cause, you know… we're in the snow, and it's _freeze _cam, and… oh, f**k it. You guys don't understand humor. Anyways, we can safely assume that Izzy hit the ground before Gwen did.

Tyler: You didn't review any tape of anything!

Chris: You're right. But through educated guessing, and by educated guessing we mean eenie meenie mine mo, we found that Izzy touched the snow just a split second before Gwen did. So yeah.

Tyler: AW, COME ON! **COME ON! **(He belts the last words, so loud that the whole mountain starts to rumble.)

DJ: Well, this is looking painfully familiar. (Suddenly, all the snow starts to slide down the mountain, picking up more and more and turning into a full on avalanche.)

Chris: Everybody break for it! (Everyone starts sprinting down the mountain, with the avalanche following close behind them. Chris turns to camera, huffing and puffing, and starts the sign-off.)

**Can we escape the avalanche? Or more importantly, can I escape the avalanche by pushing down campers and selfishly sprinting past them? **

**What will the challenge for Total Drama Action, the middle child season, be? **

**Will Katie's party box finally disintegrate? **

**Will Chef take my advice and floss? **

**And who the heck actually reads the sign-off? **

**Find out right next time on**

**Total Drama Returns! **

**NEXT TIME: **After escaping the avalanche, the campers proceed onto one of the most painful challenges in Total Drama history: the Master of Disasters obstacle course.


	32. Day 10 Part 2: Master of the Bastards

**Total Drama Returns**

**WARNING:**This chapter is possibly the most inappropriate one yet. Lots of perviness and Chris and Cody's part.

The Cheesebub's Message: Wow, another long time to update, huh? I know, I know, I'm horrible. While stories on this site are evolving around me, my story is moving at about the pace of Alejandro after one too many tacos. But at least I give you nice long chapters, jam-packed with action and humor, huh? Oh, I know all you care about is seeing who gets voted off. But I like creating intricate story-lines, and believe it or not, I actually use themes in this story. I know, big shocker. Anyway, the next update WILL be quick. I promise. Now, there's a new poll on my page. I've asked the question before, I'll ask it again: Who do you think is playing the best game? I now have everyone's name on the poll, so you can choose anyone. One more thing: what is it with OC stories, huh? They're everywhere! EVERYWHERE! I don't know, I'm cool with them. Some are actually very well-written. It's just very surprising how popular these things have become. OH YEAH! One more thing. This story recently reached some significant landmarks (at least in my mind). It now has passed 20,000 hits and is now on the favorite stories list of 50 people. I know you don't care. Whatever. Also, as you can see, the title of this is called Master of the Bastards. So I'm pretty sure you know who will get a good focus. That's right. Chris. And "Master of the Bastards" is a play on "Master of Disasters", in case you wanted to know. You probably didn't.

**Jacky****Dupree****—**Yeah, Alejandro just adds the perfect mix of humor and evil to the story. As you might've guessed, Trent is going through an extra weird phase. But he will become more evil. Just you wait. Bridgette also earned my respect for beating up Harold. The guy can sometimes be a real douchebag.

**crockolot****—**Glad you like the story! Yeah, I guess you're right. I'm a very OCC person in real life, so that kind of translates into my writing a little bit. Glad you like Katie, Trent, Ezekiel, and Chris! A lot of people seemed to like the ketchup commercial. Same with the burrito metaphors. Don't worry, you'll get plenty more burrito metaphors from Alejandro. Being in solitary confinement can do that to him. I'm always glad to see new reviewers.

**Taraflan99****not****logged****in****—**People are finally starting to like Chris. YES! I don't want people to completely hate him. And will Beth be paired up? Believe it or not, yes.

**ChibiRox****—***chuckle* I didn't update quite as fast this time, did I? Oh well, lots of stuff to do lately. Um, okay then. Interesting last comment.

**Nerdy.****JustNerdy****—**Yes, finally someone who agrees with me! There's nothing I hate more than reading a Total **Drama**story without any **drama**in it. So that's what Katie, Trent, and Courtney are there for. Yes, it is quite ironic that Katie is so angry, because all the Killer Redwoods guys are trying to do is have fun. Yeah, if I were Alejandro, I would prefer to be back at Playa de Losers. His chances are slim as it is. Glad you like the Redemption Cabin concept, though. Yeah, Chris's conceited moments are some of my favorites. The summary of TDWT was totally from me: it stated all the things that really pissed me off about it. But hey, it was better than TDA, was it not? Geoff can be quite the philosopher, I agree. Will Courtney regret her choice? We'll see. The Trent and Katie rivalry is definitely something I would want to write more of. Yep, everyone loved Bridgette beating up Harold. Knew it. Yeah, Gwen's actually very good at challenges, nobody's every noticed that. Who won the psycho killer challenge? Gwen. Who won for her team the Awakeathon? Gwen. Who survived the longest during Chef's boot camp? Gwen. Nuff said.

**HexMaster****—**Yeah, we're all busy at this time of year it seems. Glad to know you like the Redemption Cabin twist. Yeah, writing humor can be really hard for me sometimes. Drama actually comes easier to me, believe it or not. Ezekiel, Bridgette, Trent, Katie, and DJ? Well-rounded Final 5. Could be possible. Yeah, Gwen could go far, too.

**21hugs****—**I assume you're a DuncanxCourtney shipper. Well, I hope you enjoyed that unintentional snippet of possibility.

**angel****n****devil****—**There will be more of the Gwuncan breakup, whether it's inside or outside of the game. And Duncan will get his snippets. Don't worry.

**ThomasJ8532****—**Alejandro would be glad to know you're rooting for him. It seems his fans are becoming sparse.

**Nagasha****—**Yes, I could've named at least a hundred more problems with TDWT, but I didn't have time for that. My schoolwork has also been getting in the way. And yes, some of the characters are definitely losing their sanity. *cough* Ezekiel *cough*.

**Cottontop****—**I agree, I'm awesome. Just kidding. Believe it or not, Chris isn't completely gay; he's actually bisexual. Trent is going through a little calm in his evil, as you probably can tell, clearing the way for Katie to establish her character a little more. Speaking of Trent and Katie, I agree, both are skating on thin ice, if you will. Get it? Because they just did a challenge in the snow? And… okay, you don't get it. Whatever. Chris is just an all around creeper. There's nothing else to say.

**monkeylove123****—**Really? It would suck not being able to eat Frosted Flakes. Half of Geoff's obsession actually comes from my cereal obsession. The other half comes from his retarded "granola goddess" line in TDWT. Thanks for calling me the god of TDI fanfics. But I'm afraid that title has to go to the Kobold Necromancer. He's the one that made everyone want to even write Total Drama fanfiction. Yeah, I don't do oneshots. If there's one thing I'm worst at writing, it's romance. So I'll just stick to my good old-fashioned violent, funny story!

**colbyleebrown****—**Those are good people to root for. I'm surprised you like, Harold, though. I thought most of my readers hated him. Redemption Cabin will mostly have two-person duels, perhaps a three-person duel at one point. It all depends if people like it whether it returns for season 5 or not. And I'm still not sure what kind of season season 5 will even be.

**TROLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL****—**Luke, get off this site. And that's not even correct.

**Lillymoon****the****izzy****lover****—**Darn. I'm now really depressed that I've been getting my Alejandro facts wrong. I'll try to be more accurate in the future.

**miraiprincess****—**It's okay. Just that you're reviewing now makes me happy. Antagonists mostly make if far. But who knows for Trent? Chris and Chef are about to bug you a whole lot more. Katie is living up to your expectations? Good! You just gave me the best idea for a poll ever. Geoff's cereal or Al's burritos? Which obsession is better? That would definitely get some controversy. I agree, Tyler is a boss. Harold will get his karma for his excessive Nintendo DS playing, don't worry. Beth's your winner pick? It is unexpected, I agree. Oh yeah, and I'm fine with you having used a couple of my commercials in your story. Let the commercials of Geoff and Ezekiel spread across fanfiction!

**Flutejrp****—**Nizzy and Trentney are coming. Just wait a little bit longer.

**NoahisEPICWIN****—**God, I'm sorry I updated so damn late. But updates will be quicker, I promise. And yeah, I do have a life outside of this story, outside of this site, in fact, as I assume most users do too.

***blank*-**Well, your hatred is certainly inspiring. Inspiring me to make Katie even eviler. Good to know you like Zeke. Who doesn't? He's a beast, both metaphorically and physically. Katie? Nicer? That's a long shot. Zeke? Normal? A little easier.

**Whew. This review responding process is getting harder and harder. When I first started, I thought it wouldn't take that long. But now that I'm having to respond to, like, 21 reviews, it's getting harder. Anyways, on with the chapter! **

**Day 10 Part 2—Chapter 32: Master of the Bastards**

**Chris's Trailer**

Chris: Ahh… (He takes a sip from his hot chocolate, and leans back, wearing a pink bathrobe.) My, Trent, your bathrobe is simply the finest. So comfy. I'm sure you won't mind me wearing it naked. You probably won't even want to wash it. (He takes another sip from his hot chocolate, and suddenly, his face contorts in pain. He grabs his tongue frantically.) Ow! Hot hot hot! (He hurls the hot chocolate mug at the door. Right as he does this, Chef Hatchet appears in the doorway, and the cup smashes right into his face, shattering everywhere and soaking the cook's head in boiling liquid. Chef scowls at Chris, who chuckles sheepishly in response.)

Chris: Sorry… I just burned my tongue. You know how sensitive my tongue is. But it's also quite strong. Flexible. (He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively at the Chef. Chef rolls his eyes, and beckons outside.)

Chef: I hate to end your little homo session you're havin' with yourself, but the campers have been buried under five feet of snow for about the past ten minutes. Don't you think you think we should see if they're alright?

Chris: Hey, it's there own fault they caused the whole avalanche.

Chef: Chris, you shoved almost every single camper into the avalanche as you ran away from it!

Chris: I did? Well, I was caught up in the moment. You know how feisty I can get when I'm caught up in the moment. (He wiggles his eyebrows at Chef again. The cook now snarls at him.)

Chef: What are you even doing in here that's so important?

Chris: What do you think I'm doing? I'm rifling through the campers' luggage and using their personal belongings in extremely inappropriate and creepy ways! You should know all about that, Chef. How many times have you stuffed Bridgette's surfboard up your—

Chef: Enough! Here, don't we need to start another challenge or something? (Chris's eyes light up.)

Chris: Oh yes! Quick, let's dig the campers out. I can't wait! (He hurls himself out the doorway, and lands with a crunch on the ground.) Ow. (He gets back up, and with Chef following him, walks over to where a huge mound of snow is. He looks back at Chef.)

Chris: Watch this. I'm gonna melt this mound by simply taking off my shirt. Yeah, I'm that hot. (He rips off his bathrobe, and starts flexing his chest muscles. The snow starts to turn to ice.)

Chef: Stop! Your ugliness is having a reverse effect on the snow! Stop right now! (But Chris won't stop posing. Frantically, Chef grabs the host and throws him to side. The snow stops freezing. Chris walks back over with his bathrobe on, frowning.)

Chris: What was that about, Chef? (Then he smiles.) Oh, I get it. You felt yourself getting hypnotized by my powers. I get hypnotized by my powers, too. I love myself. Do you love me? I love me. Every inch of me. I like to get to know me. Using my hypnotizingly beautiful hands.

Chef: TMI, dude.

Chris: Um, I'm pretty sure it was TDI, not TMI. So, if we're not using my beauty, how _will _we get these campers out? (Chef tosses Chris a shovel.)

Chef: The old fashioned way.

Chris: With this giant dildo?

Chef: That aint a dildo! It's a shovel!

Chris (chuckling and rolling his eyes): Yeah right. And _I__'__m_ transgender.

Chef: Are you?

Chris: Umm… (He changes the subject) So, how do we use this shovel?

Chef: We just—(He looks at the snow pile, and his eyes grow wide.) What the hell is that? (Emanating from inside the snow is a bright red light. Slowly, it grow bigger and bigger.)

Chris: Run for it! (Suddenly, the whole pile of snow explodes in a flash of red light. Chris and Chef are thrown backwards as a huge ball of fire erupts from inside. Finally, once the smoke clears away, all the campers are seen lying on the ground, coughing and groaning. That is, except for Izzy, who is jumping around, completely burnt, with a huge smile on her face.)

Izzy: I knew I could get us out!

Lindsay: How… how did you do that?

Izzy: I really have no idea. (Chris walks over, and smiles at the campers.)

Chris: Okay, campers! You—(Suddenly, Ezekiel tackles him into the ground, and starts pounding his fists against the host's head.)

Ezekiel: POTATOES!

Chris: Get off of me! Get off! (He jumps up, and shoves Ezekiel away from him.) Stop acting like a complete psycho and get yourself together! And what's with you and potatoes? Such a waste of carbs, really.

Gwen: He has a perfectly good reason to beat the pulp out of you. You left us all to die!

Chris: Not all of you.

Bridgette: Oh yeah? Then who did you save?

Chris: Myself. And that's all that really matters.

Tyler: Dude, not cool! (Suddenly, he notices everyone glaring at him.) What?

Katie (scowling): I liked you better when you were silent. Back in Season 1.

Tyler: Why? What did I do? (Everyone just continues glaring at him. Chris smiles.)

Chris: Ohh… this drama… so very succulent. Anyways, before we start the next challenge, you have five minutes to warm up. I'm sure Chef is willing to help. His hands are very good for warming people up.

Noah (his teeth chattering): I'm not that desperate.

Izzy: Don't worry, Noah, I'll heat you up! (She takes out some lighter fluid, and starts chasing after him, as he runs away, screaming. Meanwhile, Tyler is doing jumping jacks to warm himself up, when he notices Katie still scowling at him.)

**Confession Cam**

**Katie: Okay, Tyler and his little stunts are really getting on my nerves. Did I mention—(Suddenly, Tyler opens the door to the confession cam. He doesn't even notice Katie in there, and sits right down on her lap. He takes a deep breath, and looks up at the camera.) **

**Tyler: I think I could be on the blocking chop. Is that what you call it? Anyways, after my whole outburst up on the mountain, I know I need to win immunity in this next challenge. But winning is inevitable! (He punches his fist into his hand.) **

**Katie: That's great to know, Tyler. (Tyler turns around, sees that he is sitting on her lap, and his eyes grow wide. He looks back at Katie, and chuckles. ) **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: Damn, Tyler, what did you do to yourself? (Tyler is covered in bruises, scatches, and has a cast on his arm.) You only left for about two minutes!

Tyler: Some chicks are feisty, man. But winning is inevitable! (He runs off into the forest.)

Geoff: Where's the dude even going?

Chris: It's a mystery of life, Geoff, a mystery of life.

Trent: You know what's also a mystery of life? Where the heck my bathrobe is. I can't find it anywhere.

Chris: Oh, sorry. Here you are. (He takes off the bathrobe, and tosses it to Trent. The guitarist quickly dives out of the way.)

Trent: Ew! I don't want to wear that now! I'll get AIDS or something! Why were you even wearing it?

Chris: Because it's so comfy. Feels good on my bare skin. And if it's damp at all, I can assure you it's not what you think it. (Trent's face turns green. Quickly, he grabs Izzy's lighter fluid, drizzles it all over the bathrobe, and tosses a lit match onto it. The bathrobe goes up in flames. Once it's done burning, there is nothing more than a burn mark where it once sat in the snow. Trent heaves a sigh of relief.)

Trent: Gone. I'm safe.

Courtney (patting Trent on the back): I would've done the same thing.

Chris: Fine, burn a perfectly good bathrobe. Be a lesbian. I won't judge you. But today, the gods will judge you! In one of the most memorable challenges from our second season! (He extends his arms outwards in excitement. Everyone is silent.)

Lindsay: Which one was the second season again?

Chris: Why, Total Drama Action, of course! Why does no one ever remember Total Drama Action? (Suddenly, there is snort from the back of the crowd. Everyone turns to see Ezekiel bent over, his back pulsating. His veins pop through his bare skin, and his whole body starts convulsing.)

DJ: Momma! Save me!

Izzy: Awesome! That looks like my dad giving birth!

Trent: Okay, what the hell is he doing?

Ezekiel: Homma Nomma Domma Stromma… (He curls up into a ball. There is a huge flash of blinding light. Then, he slowly uncurls, and stands up, now on two legs again, instead of all fours. He is wearing bling around his neck, and has his rapper sunglasses on. His green complexion is gone, and all his hair has grown back.)

Ezekiel: Yo! Frickin' to the G to Z to the B! Bitches in the building like a ghetto whore gun fire, eh!

Bridgette: Uhh… what?

Harold: Oh my. (His glasses fog up with nervous sweat.) This is very interesting phenomena indeed. As we go back in time, Ezekiel's moving back in time with us as well. First, in Total Drama World Tour, he went back to his feral self. Now he's as his rapper self from Total Drama Action.

Chris: I'm pretty sure he's just manic-depressive. I, too, was once searching for an identity. But then I found Chef. And he found me for me. But enough of all this. We must get on with the challenge. So, you all remember Total Drama Action. The middle child. It had its ups and downs, just like the pubescent teenager of a season that it was. Mostly downs. The first down—

Tyler: First down! Woo! Like in football!

Chris: Didn't you go running off into the woods? But no, Tyler, not like a first down in football. I'm talking about the first down in a long string of downs that sent Total Drama Action spiraling into the ground of reality show failures. This first down occurred before the season even started; when we said we'd be bringing back the people who we believed were the fan favorites. And by fan favorites, we meant the contestants who had already made it extremely far in the first season, and we felt they needed more character development than the underdogs who were here for three episodes and didn't even speak. We also brought along Justin, for some unknown reason.

Cody: Why _did _you bring him into the season?

Chris: Hell if I should know. But Chef sure wanted him around. And he made a pretty great antagonist. And by great antagonist, we mean a guy who was _supposed _to be an antagonist, but instead turned into a complete crybaby pussy flower. He did trick Beth into an alliance, though.

Beth: Yeah, but that thing completely disappeared by the very next episode!

Chris: Well, it's already been established that the writers have had a little trouble with their memory. Maybe they have early Alzheimer's. Now, what else did the season do wrong? Oh yeah. The team names. Killer Grips? Really? The symbol made it seem like some sort of secret anal fisting organization! (Izzy looks off to the side, whistling.)

Courtney: The Grips were a good, strong team.

Lindsay: Didn't we lose, like, almost every challenge at first? (Everyone looks angrily at Trent.)

Trent: What? What did I do?

Chris: However, there were some pros to this season. It gave some of your favorites some pretty great character development! For instance, Trent. He started out as a nice guitarist that everyone liked. By the end of Total Drama Action, he was a psychopathic numerical cultist with very few friends. A great development, if you ask me.

Gwen: How is that good character change?

Chris: He was so boooooring before! The only thing he did was get concussions and snag you an extra muffin, like, every single episode, to the extend that it almost became suspicious! (He looks over at Trent.) Seriously, what were you spiking those muffins with? Some sort of date rape drug?

Trent: Only my love. (He looks down sadly at the ground.)

Chris: Definitely a date rape drug. So muffin man became lunatic man. Great. However, your number fetish was severely disturbing. I mean, seriously? The number 9? If you're going to have sexual relations with a number, at least choose an actually _sexy_ one! Like the number 7. Now _that _is one mouthwatering number. So slender. So smooth. So delectable. If I were a number, I would take that number 7 and—

Noah: Can you please stop with the frightening commentary? Now, is there anything else you have to say about the season?

Chris: In fact, I do. Let's see. Geoff and Bridgette morphed from being two fan favorites into a writhing, saliva-coated monster mass of flailing body parts spilling out orgasmic grunts and screeches. Courtney went from being a mild bitch with a few good moments to an ultimate bitch that spread the bitchiness like an STD of bitchity and bitched every bitch that could be a bitch by grabbing her PDA and bitching into it to her lawyer, who, case you didn't know, was her bitch. And I think that's about it.

Cody: We're there any _real_ pros to the season?

Chris: Updated facial expressions! (He contorts his face, twisting his wrinkles into a wide grin stretching across his face.)

Katie: You look like a retard.

Chris: Well, poo poo to you. My wrinkles are quite sexy. Now that the nostalgia is over, let's begin with what we perceived to be the best challenge of Total Drama Action. THE DISASTER CHALLENGE! (Suddenly, the whole ground starts shaking. All the campers are knocked to the ground. Rising up out of the dirt are three huge obstacle courses.)

Chris: In a season of underfunded challenges, one challenge stood out among the rest: the disaster challenge.

Katie: You already said that.

Harold: What was so great about it? All you did was pelt us with random items of furniture and other junk you didn't need!

Chris: Hey, we were at a low budget. Actually, we were just using our funds to buy liposuction for my mom. That woman was demanding!

Beth: You can't possibly expect us to do that obstacle course again.

Chris: Of course I do! But this time, three different obstacles courses! There are three big disasters that really can ravage of family. Volcanoes, floods, and of course, earthquakes! And as you can see, we have an obstacle course for each one. We'll have four of you competing in the volcano challenge, four of you competing in the flood challenge, and four of you competing in the earthquake challenge. The person who makes it to the end first in each course wins immunity. Cody, Gwen, and Courtney, since you guys have immunity, you get to sit on the wonderful immunity bench. (He points to a rickety wooden bench.)

Courtney (sarcastically): Wow. I feel so honored.

Chris: You should. You're lucky we even have an immunity bench. (Suddenly, the bench disappears.) Darn. We must have run out of money to have an immunity bench. (Suddenly, the bench reappears.) Now we have enough money again. See, our budget really fluctuates. (Suddenly, Geoff disappears.) There goes Geoff. We must've run out of money to have him on the show.

Bridgette: Chris! You have to bring him back!

Chris: He'll come back after a while. We just need the budget to get a little higher. But for now, let's start with the first obstacle course!

Tyler: Okay, Chris! Let's go! What's the first challenge? (He lashes out with fist, and accidentally knocks Beth unconscious.) Wow. That's unfortunate.

Chris: We thought we'd start off with the volcano challenge.

Harold: Alright! I love volcanoes! (There's an awkward silence.) What?

Chris: Nothing. I just thought you were going to spout off some useless information about volcanoes. Guess not. Now, lay your eyes upon the first obstacle course. (He beckons to the one closest to them. The wooden boards are torn mostly away, and blasts of fire are erupting from beneath the boards. Towards the very center towers a large stone monolith carved like Chris's head. Bubbling around at the top of Chris's head is a pool of lava, with sixteen balls floating around inside. At the very end of the course is a huge hoop.)

Chris: As you can see, this challenge is very complex. Just like I'm very complex. So therefore, this challenge is very representative of me. Here's what you'll do. (He climbs up onto the obstacle course, and makes an awkward hand gesture beckoning to the volcano.) Your task is to make it there. You will have to run up the side of the Chriscano, grab the color ball you've been assigned, and run down the other side. You'll have to throw your ball into the hoop. Once you have all four balls through the hoop, you win. But be careful: there are dangers EVERYWHERE! For example, the floorboard could burst up in flames at any—(He is cut off by a large blast of fire erupting out of the floorboards beneath him and scorching him to a crisp.)

Noah: Like that?

Chris: Yes… like that. But that is not the only danger. The Chriscano could erupt at any moment, soaking you in hot lava. (He winks at the camera.) But don't worry ladies, the real Chris never erupts too early. He only erupts exactly when you want him to.

Noah: Congratulations. You've reached a whole new level of creepy.

Chris: Whatever, Mr. My-Only-Dialogue-Is-Snarky-Comments-During-Chris's-Pregame-Monologue! Now, I need four of the strongest men to take a stand and face this challenge. Who wants to do it?

Harold: I'll go!

Chris: I said "men", Harold.

Harold: I'm a man! I can prove it! (He starts to pull down his pants, but Chris stops him.)

Chris: STOP! That won't be necessary. Do any other men want to join Harold?

Trent: I'll do it.

Chris: Are you sure? You don't just want to sit there injecting your muffins with GHB?

Trent: Enough with the whole muffin thing!

Chris: Hey, date rapists are a proud crew. Be proud, Trent. Look at Chef. He's proud. (He points to Chef, who is grinning widely.) Or maybe he's just stoned. Either way, he's happy. So… we have Trent and Harold. We need two more guys. Katie, how about you?

Katie (through gritted teeth): That better be a joke.

Chris: Uhh… sure. Let's go with that. (He waits for someone else to volunteer, but nobody does.) C'mon, boys! Take a stand! Impress your girlfriends! Oh wait, you guys don't have any. Tyler, what about you?

Tyler: Not yet. There's a challenge I want to compete in. (He narrows his eyes.) The earthquake challenge. (He looks off into the distance, an intense expression on his face.)

Ezekiel (rapping): Whatev, homey C, I guess I'll compete. I was born on the street! Take a stance to that beat!

Chris: Enough with that nonsense, dude! If you want to talk like a mental patient, you can always head over to that other story, Total Drama Rap Battles. You can access it by scrolling up to the left-hand corner of the page and accessing The Cheesebub's account.

Courtney: Okay, this isn't me judging you; this is just me being concerned for your mental health. What the hell are you talking about?

Chris: I really don't know. I say weird things like that from time to time. Now, Ezekiel's joined the challenge. One more person needs to grow some balls and volunteer. Noah! Thanks for volunteering!

Noah: But I—

Chris: No buts! Now, head over to the obstacle course, and then we'll start the challenge!

**Confession Cam**

**Harold: This was practically my calling. As you know, I am quite nimble. Like a cicada. I also know that I need to win immunity. Those girls, especially Bridgette, are quite pissed about my whole photo collection of catfights. But if they really looked into it, they'd know it's a lot more than just taking pervy pictures. It's about angles! It's about lighting! It's about… well, boobies. **

**Trent: Chris took me back to a day I didn't want to relive. A day when I was weak. (He takes a deep breath, grabs a muffin, takes a bite out of it, and looks back up at the camera.) But not anymore. Before I was just a side character. Gwen's boyfriend, nothing more. But now… now, I'm my own person. I am Trent! Not just some _boyfriend_! And I will make my mark on this show one way or another. **

**Bridgette: The show's budget astounds me. How did Geoff just disappear like that? I hope he's okay. **

**Geoff: When I disappeared, it was a whole nother sensation, man. Nothing that Corn Flakes can bring you. **

**Cody: I was psyched to be getting to watch the challenges sitting next to Gwen. I like to consider myself the expert of touching people inappropriately without them noticing. **

**End of Confessionals**

Gwen: You even try to touch my thigh, I'll grab your balls, wrap them around your neck, and strangle you with them.

Cody: Geez, babe, calm down. (The two sit down on the immunity bench, followed by Courtney. Meanwhile, Ezekiel, Noah, Trent, and Harold have lined up by the volcano challenge.)

Ezekiel: Yo, you homeboys ready for this schoolage? I got the bling, ya'll! (He beckons proudly to his gold chains.)

Noah: Do you even know what we're doing?

Ezekiel: Uhh… rollin' on up to the club and poppin' a few shots? (Noah slaps his hand to his forehead and groans.)

Trent: Hey! Courtney! (He waves to her.) Are you ready to see me dominate these losers?

Courtney: You got this, Trent! (She blows a kiss to him. Trent pretends to catch it in his mouth and swallow it. He then winks at her. Gwen sees this, and her face turns green.)

Gwen: And just when I thought I was going to be able to keep my breakfast down. (Courtney whips her head around at Gwen and glares at her accusingly.)

Courtney: What did you say?

Gwen: I just find it to be nauseating, that's all. You don't need to do that sort of thing in public.

Courtney: Oh yeah? Well you and Duncan were doing it all the time! You looked like two corpses going at it!

Gwen: Well, at least _my _boyfriend didn't plan to backstab me!

Courtney: THAT'S IT! (She tackles Gwen, and Gwen tackles her back. The two start clawing at each other from across the bench. Cody, who is sitting in between them, looks like he is in paradise.)

**Confession Cam**

**Cody: Being in the middle of a catfight… best sensation, dude. **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: Okay, everybody stop watching the sensual female violence over there on the bench… that includes you, Chef! All eyes on me! Now, before we begin, we must assign each of you your color. I'll toss you a buff with the color I give you. You wrap it around your ankle. It'll help you remember which color you are.

DJ: Aren't buffs from Survivor?

Chris: They are, my boy. But Survivor is what inspired me to even start this show. Jeff Probst… he is my role model. (He stares off dreamily into space, but then snaps out of it.) But let's put my stalker daydreams aside and get to the fun stuff! Here, Harold, your buff is orange.

Harold: Orange? Orange? Orange is the color of pansies! Weaklings! Losers!

Chris: Exactly. (He tosses a pink buff to Trent.) Your color is pink, Trent.

Trent: Seriously? How am I supposed to be tough wearing pink?

Chris: Maybe you should ask yourself that the next time you put on those skinny jeans of yours. Noah, your color is gray.

Noah (sarcastically): Hoorah. (He bends over and starts tying the buff around his ankle.)

Izzy: YAY! GO NOAH! WOO! YOU GO, BUDDY! WIN THAT CHALLENGE! YOU'RE ALMOST DONE!

Noah: This isn't the challenge! I'm just putting on my buff!

Izzy: Really? Because I thought bending over for you would be a pretty difficult challenge.

Noah: It is. I think I just threw out my back. Can somebody help me up? (Beth runs over and yanks the top half of his body back up into standing position. Noah's face contorts in pain.)

Noah: Ow! I think you just popped my cervical vertebrae!

Chris: An old man trapped in a 17-year-old's body is what you are, Noah. Now, here's your buff, Ezekiel. We gave you a green one. (He tosses it to Ezekiel, and the rapper lunges through the air and snatches it in his teeth midflight. He then ties it around his head like a bandana.)

Ezekiel: Alright! Green! I'm doon with that, eh. Just like I'm doon with a couple of roonds at the club! Yeh, boy!

Noah: Dude, you're not a rapper. And you've never even been to a club in your life.

Ezekiel: Me, my mom, and my dad, we're a club by ourselves, eh! Party all day!

Katie: That's pathetic. (Ezekiel whips his head around at her accusingly.)

Ezekiel: Don't you ever call the Zeke pathetic! He's a ghetto lord pimp, yo!

Chris: Ezekiel, I think it's better for us all if you just take a stapler and staple those flapping lips of yours together. Now, we're going to start the challenge. Remember, the Chriscano could erupt at any moment. (He narrows his eyes at the contenders, and grins. He continues to do this for another five minutes, wiggling his eyebrows evilly at them.)

Gwen: Uh, what are you doing?

Chris: I'm just letting that sink in.

Harold: Gosh, just start already!

Chris: Fine. Nobody loves me. I get it. (He turns to Chef.) Chef, start up the Chriscano. (He gives the signal to Chef, and the cook presses a button on the side of one of the cabins. Suddenly, the Chriscano starts rumbling, and the lava inside the mountain starts spilling over the edge.)

Chris: Okay… On your marks… get set… GO! (Trent and Harold sprint forward. Ezekiel continues to stand in his spot, now licking his bling. Noah, meanwhile, takes one step forward, and immediately his face contorts in pain.)

Noah: Ow! Toe cramp! Now my foot is twisted! Ow! My spleen! My back! Oh, I think I just dislocated my spine… I think I'm having a stroke! (Suddenly, he clutches his heart.) Heart attack… (He collapses headfirst on the ground.) Concussion…

Chris (beckoning to Noah): Now that, my dear friends, is what we call "out of shape" .

Izzy: Noah! Not my coagulated companion! Not you!

Trent (looking back at Noah's crumpled body as he runs): Ha! That was faster than I expected! (He looks at Harold, who is still hot on his tail.) Now to just deal with this dork. (He tries to shove Harold into the path of one of the blasts of fire erupting from the floorboards, but Harold swerves out of the way like a ballerina.)

Harold (twirling gracefully): I am much too nimble for—(He slams into the side of the volcano. Trent smirks, and then starts racing up the side.)

Chris: And it seems that Trent is the only one even contending at this point! Wait. Wait a minute! What's that? (Everyone suddenly sees a blur racing across the course. It flies right past Trent, and all the way up to the top of the Chriscano. It stops at the peak, revealing itself to be Ezekiel.)

Beth: How did he do that so fast?

Chris: And Ezekiel, out of nowhere, takes the lead!

Ezekiel: Let's do this! (He rips off his clothes, and then jumps into the pool of lava. He lays back, relaxing.) Ahh… this is my new hot tub, haters! Chillin' like champion, eh!

Chris: What are you doing? Grab your ball and run over to the hoop!

Ezekiel: Nah, I'll stay right here. What's a gangstah without his gangstah hot tub? He's a gangstah without a gangstah hot tub, that's what he is, eh! And it's got bubbles, too! What's a rapper withoot his bubbles? Bubbles are as ghetto as ghetto gets. (He leans back and stretches peacefully, daintily popping one of the bubbles with his middle finger.)

**Confession Cam**

**Ezekiel (his head sticking out of the toilet): Ahh… (He looks at the camera.) What? Rappers love them hot tubs. Word! Rappers need hot tubs to survive, man! This is fine hot tub right here, too. (He looks at the water he is floating in.) Darn! Someone didn't flush! **

**End of Confessionals **

(Trent is still running up the side of the Chriscano, but as it gets steeper, his breaths become more winded.)

Trent: Damn… this is… really… really… uggh…

Courtney: C'mon, Trent! You can do it!

Geoff: Harold, dude! You can't let Trent win! Get up and start fighting!

DJ: Whoa! You're back!

Geoff: Of course I'm back! But man, I wish I could be back where I was. It was like nirvana, dude. There were bananas… and rainbows… and an endless ocean of cream…

DJ: Are you okay, buddy?

Geoff: Of course I'm okay! Okay to day. Yay… (He falls to the ground, unconscious. Meanwhile, Trent is now using his hands and knees to get up, when suddenly, a wave of lava tumbles down the side of the mountain and soaks him. He is knocked all the way back down to the ground. The volcano is now bucking to and fro, spraying lava everywhere. Ezekiel is clinging to the edge, completely naked, laughing.)

Ezekiel: My hot tub's got the rapper spirit! Just like me! (The volcano settles down after a while, and the lava stops flying.)

Chris: A small eruption. Just wait till you see the big one. (He winks at Lindsay, who frowns.)

Lindsay: I don't get it.

Chris: Oh, you'll get it soon, Lindsay. (He winks at her again.) When we're in private.

Courtney: Trent! Are you okay?

Trent: Ow… (He is lying in a puddle of lava, groaning.)

Harold: Now's my chance! (He races past Trent, and is halfway up the side of the mountain before Trent even gets up again.)

Trent: NO! (He races up after Harold, but the geek whips out his num-yos.)

Harold: Serve me well, num-yos. (He starts twirling his num-yos menacingly in the air. However, the num-yos accidentally wrap around his own neck, strangling him and making him go tumbling down the side of the volcano past Trent. Trent smirks, and races up the volcano, all the way to the peak. Ezekiel sees him, and grins.)

Ezekiel: Yo, bitch. Welcome to the Hot Tub le Zeke! Any bitch is welcome, as long as they're a bitch! You're a bitch, right?

Trent: You don't even know what that means, do you?

Ezekiel: Whatev. It's all cool in the crib school, eh. So, wanna come on in?

Trent: No sexually transmitted diseases for me, thank you. (With that, he scoops up his four pink balls.)

Chris: Whoa! I never thought of getting all four balls at once! Crafty.

Ezekiel: Hey! Those are my bath beads, eh! (However, Trent is already running down the side of the volcano. Ezekiel watches after him, and tears well up in his eyes.) Not my… NOT MY BATH BEADS! Bath beads complete the tub! Come back, here, hater! (But Trent has made it down to the hoop now, and squares up to take a shot.)

Chris: And Trent is already taking his shots!

Ezekiel: Did somebody say shots? I love poppin' shots at the club!

Chris: Shut up. So, Trent has a MASSIVE lead in the challenge right now! Can anyone catch up with him? I seriously doubt it. (Trent shoots his first ball, and it goes straight through the hoop. He follows with his second one, and it goes in the same way.)

Chris: That's two balls in for Trent! Two balls left!

Gwen: Okay, can you stop with the oral play-by-play? It's seriously irking me.

Chris: Hey, it's what Jeff Probst does.

Gwen: That doesn't mean _you _have to do it!

Chris: And Trent gets his third ball into the hoop! (Gwen groans. Trent gets in stance to take his fourth shot.)

Izzy: No! This won't happen! (She runs up onto the obstacle course, and grabs Noah's unconscious body.) I've only got one shot. (Holding him like a javelin, she lines him up just a little bit above the top of the volcano.) Let's hope this works. (Rearing her arm back, she fires him forward. Noah's body sails across the obstacle course, approaching the volcano. Meanwhile, Trent is reveling in the moment, stroking his final ball with content.)

Trent: This is the day that you realize you should never doubt Trent! That he is a force to be reckoned with! (Meanwhile, Noah's body approaches the volcano. As it sails over the top, his arms, flailing in the breeze like noodles, scoop up his four gray balls. Noah and the balls continue to rocket across the obstacle course, fast approaching Trent. Trent notices this, and screams like a little girl. He frantically aims and takes his final shot. But it is too late. Noah goes flying through the hoop with all four of the balls tucked under his arms, and crash-lands in the grass on the other side.)

Chris: And Noah wins immunity! Noah wins immunity! (Noah, now waking up, looks around, confused.)

Noah: I… I won?

Trent: HE WON? (His face red in anger, he grabs the stand on which the hoop is perched on and angrily takes a bite out of it.)

Chris: Whoa. Calm down, dude.

Trent: NOO! (He starts flailing around angrily, punching the ground. Then he turns his head towards Izzy.) YOU! YOU!

Izzy (taunting): Ha ha! Trent's popping a blood vessel! (Suddenly, the whole volcano starts rumbling.)

Chris: The sound. I know that sound. The sound of doom! Everybody run for it! (Everyone, including Ezekiel, sprint as far away from the Chriscano as possible. Trent watches them, and smiles.)

Trent: That's right. You better run from me. I'm a force to be… (He suddenly sees the huge geyser of lava bursting out of the volcano.)… reckoned… with? (The huge wave of lava starts to descend upon him, but he's frozen in fear, and can't move. Quickly he starts shaking his fist nine times.) C'mon, nine, get me good luck. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7—

**Confession Cam**

**(Trent sits in the confessional in a burn cast. He stares blankly at the camera, and then walks back out.) **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris (patting Trent on the back): There, there… we all have those days. One time, I was brushing my teeth with an electric toothbrush, and I accidentally split my gum! So I know how you feel. But we must not continue to mourn for Trent. We must move onto the next challenge. Noah, go join your fellow campers on the immunity bench.

Noah: Are you serious? There's no more room!

Izzy: You can always sit on Cody's lap.

Noah: Can you just get it through your head that I'm not gay?

Izzy: Okay, I'll compromise. Cody can sit on _your _lap.

Cody: Or I can sit on Gwen's lap.

Gwen: Or you can go kill yourself.

Chris: Or Chef can sit on my lap. (Everyone stares at him. He looks away, whistling to himself.)

Noah: Actually, I think I'll just go back to the cabin.

Chris: If you do, you're going to miss girls in their bikinis being blasted by ice-cold water.

Noah: Actually, I'll stay. That sounds like quality entertainment.

Beth: What did you say?

Chris: That's right! That's our next challenge. The flood challenge. Floods can be a really tough thing to deal with. Trust me, I've had some difficult experiences with water. One time, I slept on a water bed, and I woke up with a completely sore back!

Lindsay: OMG, I know what you mean!

Bridgette (sarcastically): Yeah, that's definitely "disastrous".

Chris: Uh, yeah, poor posture is. So water can sometimes be an enemy, not a friend. But today, four women will have to brave the very intense flood course! (He points to the second obstacle course. It is slightly uphill, with handholds littered across the floor, a large bucket filled with water perched at the end, and water guns lining both sides.)

Chris: Your task is simple. You just need to make it to the end of the course. But as you try to make it across, you will have to deal with water constantly rushing at you, and Chef and myself firing our water guns at your partially naked bodies. The handholds are to help you along.

Bridgette: That doesn't sound too hard. I'm a surfer, after all.

Chris: Have you ever been hit by below freezing water?

Harold: Chris, that's not even possible. Once water dips below zero, it turns to ice.

Chris: Enough with you and your science! Oh yeah, Bridgette, and you can't wear that wetsuit of yours.

Geoff: Aw, c'mon! Why not? I really wanted to see her wear it! (He notices Bridgette glaring at him.) Because, uh, I know that it's keeping you warm, babe. Heh heh.

Chris: So, since there are only four girls here, it won't be too hard to decide who's doing the challenge. Beth, Lindsay, Bridgette, and Katie, prepare yourselves.

Tyler: What about Izzy? Isn't she a girl?

Chris: We're not quite sure what gender Izzy is. So we can't really place her into a specific group.

Izzy: You know what gender I am! I'm Mel Gibson! (Chris stares at her.)

Chris: Okay then. (He turns to the four girls.) Go and change into your swimsuits. Then you can meet back here for the ultimate water flood challenge.

**Confession Cam**

**Lindsay: I think this challenge may have something to do with water. Just an educated guess, though. I'm really good at educated guessing. **

**Bridgette: Okay, it seems like Geoff constantly wants me to wear my wetsuit. Next thing you know, he's going to be wearing it himself! **

**Geoff (wearing Bridgette's wetsuit): Damn, this thing's comfy! Really hugs your curves, ya know? **

**Katie: I know immunity is necessary. All I've really got left in my alliance is DJ. Then there's Harold, but, you know… he's Harold. **

**Harold: Ninja flush! (His hand skyrockets into the air, then crashes back down and flushes the toilet.)**

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: WoooEE, you girls look wonderful! Except for you, Beth. What _is _that? (He beckons to Beth's swimsuit.)

Beth: What do you think it is? It's my swimsuit!

Chris: It looks like a Christmas outfit. Or maybe one of my pairs of lingerie. But whatever, I'm not one to judge. So, let's start this challenge up! (The four girls line up by the obstacle course. Lindsay notices the water guns.)

Lindsay: Ha! I knew it! I knew it involved water!

Chris: You're a smart one, aren't you?

Lindsay: Thanks. I pride myself on that sort of thing.

Cody: Come on, Chris! Start up the challenge already! (He already has a nose bleed.)

Chris: Now _there__'__s_someone who's excited. Okay, girls. Everybody ready? On your marks, get set, GO! (He blows into a foghorn. Suddenly, the large bucket fills up with water, and starts sending gushing streams of water down the course. Bridgette, Katie, and Beth spring forward. Lindsay, however, looks around, confused, and then walks away.)

Chris: Hey! Where do you think you're going?

Lindsay: To do the challenge! Duh! (She enters the bathroom.)

Chris: Okay, Lindsay's out of the running. Big shocker. But the other three girls are going strong.

Katie (as she runs across the course): This is too easy! In fact, I bet I could—(Suddenly, a huge gushing stream of water slams into her, and she has to quickly grab onto a handhold to avoid being swept away in the current. Beth and Bridgette do the same. They all lie their on their stomachs, clenching the handholds, the water rushing through them and smashing into their faces.)

Katie (spitting out water): *cough* Chris, what the hell is this?

Chris: That, my dear Katie, is water. You're not very intelligent, are you?

Beth: Shut this thing off! This is impossible!

Chris: Impossible? Nothing's impossible unless you don't believe. Speaking of which, I believe it's time for Chef and I to join this challenge. (The host runs over to one of the two water guns on the side, and Chef moves over to the one across from him. They then turn to the girls, and aim the water guns straight at them.)

Chef: Chris, man, this is your best idea yet. (Together, the two fire their water guns, and two huge blasts of water slam into Bridgette, Katie, and Beth. The three can't hold on, and are swept away into the current.)

Chef: Shooting chicks with mega power water guns… you've outdone yourself this time, Chris.

Chris: I just pride myself on my genius ideas. (Meanwhile, Katie, Bridgette, and Beth have all landed at the beginning platform again, lying on the ground and soaking wet.)

Bridgette: Ow… what a douche! (They look back out at the obstacle course, which is now filled with water, rushing at rapid speeds.)

Chris: C'mon, girls! You can do better than that!

Katie: No we can't! (Geoff comes up behind her and places a calming hand on her shoulder.)

Geoff: Katie, just believe in yourself! Think of it as a party. (Katie shrugs his hand away.)

Katie: A party? This is challenge!

Geoff: Sometimes a challenge can be a party. But for you, I think the party is the challenge. (Ezekiel holds up his bling in agreement.)

Ezekiel: Yo man, that's deep.

Geoff: I'm a deep guy.

Katie: Well, thank you for that useless piece of wisdom.

Geoff: You're welcome. Now go forth with it! Go forth! (Meanwhile, Beth is trying once again to get through the rapids, but is shot down by Chris and Chef again. She climbs back onto the platform, shivering wet. Bridgette looks down at her, and then sighs and turns to Chris.)

Bridgette: I'm sorry, Chris… there's just no way we can do this.

Chris: Well, we're not going to do anything else until one of you crosses that finish line.

Bridgette: But—

Chris: No buts! Only water-blasted sluts! Ha. I'm practically Doctor Seuss. (He looks over at Chef, and suddenly grins. Then he fires a playful shot at Chef. However, it slams into the cook's gut, knocking him out of the chair.)

Chris (giggling): Oopsie.

Chef: You gonna regret that, bitch! (He gets back into his chair, and aims back at Chris, firing a blast of freezing cold water into the narcissist's face.)

Chris: No! Not my perfect hair!

Chef: "Perfect"? I guess if "perfect" means "a big wad of pubic hair"!

Gwen: Exactly! Finally, someone who agrees with me!

Chris: Yes, but _perfectly __combed_ pubic hair. And at least _I__'__m_ not _bald _like _you _are.

Chef: Stop putting random emphasis on your words!

Chris: I'll _do _whatever I _want_. _Besides, _italics make my _speech __lines _look more _sexy_. So _yeah_, there's _nothing_ you can _do_.

Chef: Yeah there is! (He fires a long gush of water into Chris's body. Chris spits out water angrily, and then snarls.)

Chris: Don't make me do something we'll both regret, Chef.

Chef: C'mon. I dare you.

Chris: Dare accepted! (He starts loading up his water gun with hair gel.)

Chef: Hey! That's no fair!

Chris: Why not? This is war, is it not? And in times of war, one must use extremely toxic mane mire. Speaking of which, I'd like to recommend to the people of the world this particular brand of hair gel. (He holds the bottle out to the camera.) It adds that extra volume to my hair that really gives it that wonderful semi-clockwise spiral whenever I toss my bangs across my beautifully broad forehead.

DJ: You know, you could at least try to hide your product placement.

Chris: What product placement? I just like bragging about my hair.

Chef: If that's the way you wanna play it… (He starts loading up his water gun with mustard. Once the two are done, they turn to each other, their water guns pointing straight at each others' faces.)

Chris: So this is how it's going to end, huh? The two of us locked in battle, firing our favorite fluids at each other's bodies? That sounds really wrong, now that I think about it.

Chef: You were always the popular one, Chris… in high school, in college, in jail… (He chuckles.) But I don't think the jail attention was the kind you wanted. Either way, it's time to end this. End this all.

Chris: I wouldn't have it any other way.

Katie: Can you losers stop doing your creepy roleplay? It's actually really terrifying.

Chris: You don't understand, little child. This is meant to be. The final fight. (With that, he and Chef aim at each other, and fire at the same time. A giant blast of mustard erupts out of Chef's gun, and a giant blast of hair gel erupts out of Chris's. The two beams slam into each other and start twisting together in a huge ball of radioactive energy.)

Chef: Give it up, Chris! There is… (He gasps)… no way… you can beat me!

Chris: We could've been friends. We could've been more than friends. But no. It was never meant to be. NEVAR! (He pushes down harder on his trigger, sending out more hair gel. The ball of radioactive energy grows bigger. All the campers stand there, watching this.)

Noah: It's official. Those two have no life whatsoever.

Katie: Well, this is just great! Chris and Chef are so caught up in their faggot fight that they can't even pay attention to the challenge! (Suddenly, Beth's eyes grow wide.)

Beth: That gives me an idea! If they're not paying attention… we can just walk right past onto the other side! (Cody jumps up off the immunity bench.)

Cody: WHAT? NO! This is not what I paid for! I want my money back!

Gwen: You didn't pay for this, jerkwad.

Cody: That's what you think, Gwen. But I did. I paid for this in my heart.

Bridgette: Well, I'm all for skipping the obstacle course. If they're not going to pay attention… why not? (Katie, Beth, and Bridgette all start walking across the grass towards the ending platform, when suddenly, Cody jumps down out of nowhere and blocks their way.)

Cody: I'm afraid I can't let you pass. You see, I paid good money for you guys to get soaked, so I need to get the bargain for my buck. Heh heh.

Katie: Oh, go back to molesting goth girl, will you? (She takes another step forward.)

Cody: Whoa, lady, you're getting too close. I mean, I'm okay with you getting close and all, but… that's later. Anyways, you take another step, and I'm afraid I'll have to let loose the five tailed dragon that lives within me. (His hand karate chops through the air, but he misses his target, and the swinging motion of his arm makes him lose balance and topple face first into the ground.)

Katie (looking down at him): Now what should we do with you this time... (Quickly, Gwen runs over, and helps Cody up.)

Gwen: Um, that won't be a problem. _Right_, _Cody? _(She grits her teeth angrily at him.)

Cody: Sure, mom. I mean Gwen. Wow, I trust you so much, I just called you my mom. I kind of like it. Can I call you mom from now on?

Gwen: If I can call you perverted bastard.

Cody: Deal.

Gwen (rolling her eyes): I was being sarcastic. Now come on. You've already made enough of a fool of yourself. (She walks back towards the bench, with Cody swaggering behind her, like he is the king of the world.)

**Confession Cam**

**Gwen: As annoying as Cody is, he _is _loyal. Loyalty is power at this point in the game. And with a merge fast approaching, I need to make sure he doesn't paint a target on himself for all the girls to go and vote him off. Hopefully he learned his lesson from the bra hats. He'd _better _have learned his lesson. Otherwise… (She does a slashing motion across her throat.) **

**Cody: It's obvious Gwen wants me to stick around. And I will. Trust me; the best time to hit on a few women is at the merge party. All you've got to do is place a little roofie in their juice box. (He suddenly realizes what he said.) Um, they won't show this on TV, will they? **

**Katie: So Gwen has her little pet dog. And a filthy, pathetic, geeky one at that. I thought she could do better. But apparently not. So I will make sure that both are crushed into the ground. Right after that loser Trent. **

**End of Confessionals**

(Twenty minutes have passed, and now the aftermath of the fight between Chris and Chef is scattered across the campgrounds.)

Chris (lying on the ground, covered in mustard): Chef… you fierce, fierce soul… you have… defeated me… (He grabs onto Noah's pant leg, and sobs into the fabric.) Noah… we had some good times…

Noah: No we didn't.

Chris: But we did… you just don't remember them… but now… it is time for me to leave this place… go to a better world…

Harold: Dude, you got soaked in mustard, a highly nontoxic condiment that at the most can sting the palate or inflame the nasal passages. You'll live.

Chris: Ohh… (He slowly gets up, and looks around.) Okay, what happened while I was fighting Chef? Where are my challenge girls?

Bridgette: We're over here! (Chris looks over at the finish platform.)

Chris: How'd you get all the way over there? You actually went through the obstacle course?

Beth: Sure… let's go with that. (Cody is about to say something, but Gwen clamps a hand over his mouth.)

Chris: Well, I'm proud of you girls. Knowing that you braved it through, even though it seemed impossible, proves you are vigilant, trustworthy spirits. I envy you. I respect you, and I look up to you. (Bridgette and Beth look around guiltily. Katie looks straight at Chris.)

Katie: Okay, let's cut to the chase. How are you going to decide who wins immunity if you didn't see us get to the finish platform?

Chris: Well, we have a recorded tape of every challenge, so we can watch that—

Beth: Um, how about you just do a tiebreaker?

Chris: Tiebreaker? Like going through the obstacle course again?

Beth, Katie, and Bridgette: NO!

Chris: Okay, I have another idea. In honor of the magnificent beast that is water, we will have a water trivia question. The trivia question will be about water.

Courtney: Yeah, we assumed that.

Chris: Why are you speaking? You do realize we placed you on the immunity bench so you _wouldn__'__t _speak. Anyways, here is the question. The person who answers it correctly first will win immunity. And trust me, you want it tonight. So, without further ado, the question. (He takes out a flash card, and scans it.) What percent of the human body is water?

Katie: That depends. Do you mean in a normal human, or a metro-sexual reality show whore who went on an all-liquids diet in hopes of ridding his body of all his disgustingly noticeable jelly rolls, only to find that even that disgusting excuse for a "diet" couldn't possibly hide them behind his tacky cargo shirt and actually just made him grow more disgustingly loose skin, turning him into a gelatinous freak of nature?

Chris: Okay, you're out of the running. Beth and Bridgette, I ask you: do either of you know?

Bridgette (rubbing her temples): Oh, I know this… I think we were taught this as surfers…

Harold: I know! I know! (He raises his hand frantically in the air.)

Chris: Are you a girl, Harold? (Harold pulls out his waistband, peers down into his pants, and then looks back up at Chris.)

Harold: Let me get back to you on that.

Chris: Thank you, Harold, for ruining my day with your freakiness. (He looks at Beth, who has her eyes clamped shut.) Beth appears to be in deep thought.

Beth: I think my boyfriend Brady told me this somewhere… (Chris scowls.)

Chris: Okay, I know we're taking a drive back to Total Drama Action, but do really need to go back to that stupid Brady storyline, that was only given to you so you could have some sort of useful dialogue?

Beth: Okay, maybe Brady didn't tell me, but I know I know this. I took some class on the human body… (She thinks a little more, and then she smiles.) 57%! 57% of the human body is water! (Chris chuckles and looks down at his card. His eyes widen, and he looks back up at Beth. Then he sighs knowingly.)

Chris: Oh yeah. Total Drama Action was that season where you started pulling random talents out of your ***, for no apparent reason. Seriously, the writers were trying way too hard to get people to like you.

Beth: Whatever. You're just jealous. So do I win immunity?

Chris: Sure. But go back to the normal Beth. Not the "cool" Beth that everyone "likes". (Beth sighs, and walks over to the immunity bench.)

Chris: So far, Noah, Beth, Cody, Gwen, and Courtney all have immunity. All from Team Screaming Ivy, it seems. (He pats Bridgette on the back.) You had a chance to be the first of the Killer Redwoods to win immunity. But it's okay. At least you still have Geoff.

Bridgette: I guess you're right. (She walks over to Geoff, and sighs.) Sorry I couldn't pull it off.

Geoff: It's all good. (He pulls her into a hug. After a few seconds, Bridgette pulls away, and then scans her eyes over him. Immediately, she screams. Geoff is wearing her wetsuit.)

Geoff (noticing her scowl): What? It's comfy. Not constricting at all. You can really just let everything hang loose. I feel free wearing this! Free! (He flaps his arms.)

Bridgette: Take it off.

Geoff: But—

Bridgette: Take it off. (Geoff mutters something to himself, and starts unzipping the wetsuit. Meanwhile, Chris is combing through his mustard soaked hair when he sees Chef lumbering over. Chris turns away.)

Chef: Oh, don't give me that. You hurt me just as much as I hurt you.

Chris: I guess you're right. (He smiles at Chef.) Not the final battle, I guess. (He winks at the cook this time.) Almost like some sort of exciting date.

Chef: No. Just no. (He takes a look at himself, sticky with hair gel.) I don't know about you, but I need one heck of a shower.

Chris: Me too! Let's go in together!

Chef: I hope you mean just into the bathroom. Not the shower stall.

Chris (chuckling nervously): Uh, yeah! That's, uh… that's exactly what I meant. Heh. Here, let's go in. (He walks over to the bathroom, and opens the door. Immediately, a huge blast of water erupts out of the doorway, soaking Chris. Water continues to pour out for another five minutes, until it has all soaked away. Lindsay walks out, drenched head to toe.)

Lindsay: I did it! I did the water challenge! Just like you asked!

Chris: Lindsay, when I said "water challenge", I didn't mean "overflow the bathroom by turning on every sink faucet"! (He spits out water angrily.)

Lindsay: Well, how was I supposed to know that?

Chris: Maybe by listening for once? (He stomps past her and into the shower room. Lindsay stares after him, and scowls.)

Lindsay: You're a deceiving, evil man, Kyle McCrean! A deceiving, evil man!

**Confession Cam**

**Lindsay: I can't believe Kyle would make me go to all that trouble and not even reward me for it! Do you know how hard it is turning on those faucets? It's a real workout! **

**Noah (tugging on the sink faucet): C'mon… c'mon… WHY MUST THIS BE SO HARD? (He continues to tug and tug, until finally, the water spurts on. Noah leans against the wall, breathing deeply.) You have gotta get in shape, Noah. (He collapses on the floor.) **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: Hey, everybody! I'm back! (He jumps up onto the podium and poses with only a towel wrapped around him and a shower cap on.) After a wonderful cleansing session filled with heavenly lemon shampoo inhalation and passionate, sudsy kisses with my own reflection, I'm ready for the final challenge.

Bridgette: Did you really need to tell us that?

Chris: Yes. Yes I did. Now, I'm pretty sure you all know what the final challenge is.

Tyler (looking off into the distance with an intense facial expression): The earthquake challenge.

Chris: Right you are. Out of all the disasters, earthquakes might be the worst.

DJ: Yeah. (He sighs.) When I was five and living in Jamaica, an earthquake completely destroyed my home. We had to live in a homeless shelter for three months before getting a new one.

Chris: I feel you, man. One time, an earthquake knocked all my beauty products off my shelves! It took hours to reorganize!

DJ: I don't think it's the same thing, bro.

Chris: Yeah. Mine's much worse. But now, DJ, you'll have to face your fears and go forth!

Tyler (staring off into the distance with an intense facial expression): I'm ready to go forth.

Chris: Okay, what are you even staring at? (He follows Tyler's line of vision and sees that the jock is staring at Lindsay's boobs.) Of course. So, the remaining four of you will all have to compete in this challenge. That means Izzy, DJ, Geoff, and Tyler.

Tyler: Why'd you say my name last, man?

Chris: Uh, it was just a random order—

Tyler: You can't say my name last! Say it first!

Chris: Do I really need to—

Tyler: Say it first!

Chris: *sigh* Tyler, Izzy, DJ, and Geoff. You happy?

Tyler: Dude, you put too much emphasis on the last syllable. It's more of a **TY**-ler rather than a Ty-**LER**.

Chris: Dude, it's just a name. Seriously, brah, I worry for you if you're that obsessed. Now, before we begin, we've decided we're going to change things up a little. Instead of it being an obstacle course, it will be simply a survival of the fittest. The four of you will step up onto the earthquake platform. Then, with the flick of a switch, the earthquake platform will begin its simulation of an earthquake. Every five minutes, I'll move the power of the quake up one notch. And yeah, if we have to, we'll start hurling random objects at you.

Geoff: Sounds cool.

Chris: Oh, it's more than cool, Geoff. Best part is, it's all green energy. The earthquake platform is powered only by hundreds of electric toothbrushes Chef and I found in my mom's room. Observe. (He flicks the switch, and the whole platform starts vibrating.)

Chef: Uh, Chris?

Chris: Yeah?

Chef: Those weren't electric toothbrushes, man.

Chris: Then what were they?

Chef: Um… (He leans over and whispers in Chris's ear. Chris's eyes widen.)

Chris: Oh god. Oh my god. (He takes out a paper bag, breathes into a few times, and then throws up into it. Then he forces a smile and turns back to the campers.) Okay, I need the four of you to climb up onto the platform and find something to hold onto. Cause it's gonna get bumpy!

Izzy: Even bumpier than my grandpa George's butt cheeks? (Chris stares at her.)

Chris: Um, Izzy?

Izzy: Yes?

Chris: WTF? That's all I have to say to that.

Izzy: You can't deny the truth, Chris! You have to face it! Face it like a man!

Chris (rubbing his temples): Just… go up on the platform, okay?

Izzy: You got it! (She does a triple flip up onto the platform, and strikes a pose. Tyler and Geoff follow after her. DJ, however, runs over to Katie and clings to her, blubbering into her chest, sobbing.)

DJ: I can't do it! I can't do it! (Katie shoves him away.)

Katie: Oh, you're going to do it. (DJ clings to her again, and she slaps him. He reels backwards in surprise, rubbing the mark on his cheek.)

DJ: What was that for?

Katie: We're in public, DJ. You need to stop embarrassing me. You need to stop acting like a child! (She snarls.) Grow a pair, will you? (Katie stomps away, leaving DJ standing there, sniveling. Geoff sees this, and frowns.)

**Confession Cam**

**Geoff: I don't like how Katie is treating my man DJ. I don't like it one bit. Seems like relationship abuse to me, man. (He sits there in silence.) Whoa. My first confessional where I didn't say or do something completely random! That's gotta count for something, dude. **

**DJ: *sigh*… Even if Katie handled the situation the wrong way, she's right. I need to be a man. I need to face my fears! And that includes you, toilet paper! And you, window! And you, atmosphere! **

**Izzy: Standing on top of a huge vibrating platform powered by dildos? (She grins.) Sounds like my kind of challenge. **

**End of Confessionals**

DJ: Chris, I'm ready to face my fears. (He climbs up onto the platform, and stands there, proud.)

Chris: Really? I was kind of hoping you would resist… there's this new crane I've been wanting to use. But whatever. Before we start the challenge, I'll give you a minute to strategize.

Geoff: How the heck do we strategize for this?

Chris: I don't know. It's just what Jeff Probst always says.

Geoff: Oh yeah, that reminds me. Bridgette, can you hold my hat for me?

Bridgette: Sure, I guess.

Geoff: Thanks. But you gotta be extra careful with it. Don't let anyone steal it.

Bridgette: I highly doubt anyone would want to—

Geoff: Don't let any animals try to eat it. Don't let any mud get on it either. And make sure you never… (He narrows his eyes.) _**ever**_… wear it.

Bridgette: Why not? You let me wear it all the time.

Geoff: Not anymore. You see, the brim of my hat has molded to fit my specific head perfectly. Not yours. Mine. If anyone were to try and wear it, you would completely through off the balance. The universe would cease to exist as we know it. So promise me you won't wear it.

Bridgette: Geoff, you're kind of starting to scare me—

Geoff: PROMISE ME!

Bridgette: Uh, fine. I won't wear it.

Geoff: Good. (He slowly takes off his hat, and hands it to Bridgette. He suddenly notices everyone looking at him.) What?

Izzy: You look really weird! Your hair looks like a banana peel!

Cody: *snicker* Your head kind of looks like a penis.

Chris: Thank you, Cody, for that completely disturbing piece of imagery. So, are the four of you ready?

DJ: I'm ready. I'm ready to face my fears!

Chris: Okay then. Here we go! (He flicks the switch on the control panel up one notch. Slowly, the whole platform starts vibrating.)

Izzy: W-w-w-w-w-whoa… t-t-t-t-t-this is a-a-a-a-a-a-awesome…

Tyler: C'mon, Chris! You can do better than that! (He starts doing jumping jacks in place as the platform vibrates.)

Chris: Just you wait, Tyler… trust me… my mom's, uh, _toys _can really get feisty. I mean, not like I would know. Cause I don't!

Noah (rolling his eyes): _Right_.

Chris: Yeah, let's, uh, change the topic. (He looks out at the platform.) Hm. It seems DJ isn't enjoying this too much.

DJ (swaying around): Too… much… motion… (He throws up onto the platform. DJ tries to take a step forward, but slips on the puddle. He flails about for a few seconds, but can't keep his balance, and goes flying off. Katie, meanwhile, has returned from the cabin.)

Katie: So, how's DJ doing—(She is cut off by DJ landing on her and crushing her.)

Chris: Only three competitors are left. With that… (He flicks the nob of the control panel up one more level. Now the platform starts shaking instead of just vibrating.)

Tyler: That's more like it!

Geoff: W-whoa… (He tries to keep his balance, but is starting to topple over. However, he puts out his hand, and catches his fall.) Damn. That was too close. This is not my kind of party!

Izzy: Woo! This is better than the time I stuck my face in the trash compactor! (She suddenly gets an idea.) I want to see if I can get a concussion! (With that, she flips over and starts standing on her head.) Let's see what that can do!

Chris: Okay, onto level 3… (The shaking becomes more violent. The motion causes Izzy's head to smash continuously into the platform, until finally she goes flying off and lands facedown in the grass.)

Noah: Izzy! (He runs over to her and turns her over.) Say something…

Izzy: Feet are sweet, I repeat. (Then she falls unconscious.)

Noah: Izzy… NO! (He swallows deeply and walks back over to the immunity bench.)

Izzy: What's shakin', turkey boy? (Noah looks over and sees she's standing near the bench. He does a double take, and looks back over at where her unconscious body was. It's not there anymore. He turns back to Izzy.) Weren't you lying there, like, five seconds ago?

Izzy: Ha! Silly Noah! I've been here the whole time! What are you talking about?

Noah: But you… you were there… and then you were…

Izzy: Ha. You're kind of crazy, aren't you? (She teleports away. Noah slaps his hand to his forehead and groans.)

Chris: Okay, Izzy's out. I'm surprised Tyler's lasted this long.

Tyler: Ha! Surprised? Not when you say my name first! First means the best!

Chris: Seriously, I said your names in a completely random order.

Tyler: How random _is _random? Perhaps _random _is the new _normal_!

Geoff: Amen, dude.

Chris: Okay, time to go up to the final level. Level four. I warn you two, this might be it for both of you. I've never been to level four. I don't know what's in store. But here we go! (He flicks the switch one final time. Now, the whole platform starts bouncing up and down, along with its powerful shaking.)

Chris: Looks like the platform's having an orgasm. See if you can survive _that_! (For ten minutes, Tyler and Geoff stay on the platform, completely balanced. Chris scowls.)

Chris: Why haven't either of you two fallen off already?

Geoff: I'm just naming the marshmallows in an average box of Lucky Charms in reverse alphabetical order indirectly associated with fiber content. It helps me concentrate.

Chris: I didn't actually want you to tell me. Now, c'mon already! One of you needs to fall off!

Tyler: No way! Nothing's gonna stop me!

Chris: Oh really? (He turns to Chef, and nods at him. Chef nods back. Chris nods at him again. Chef nods back. Chris nods at him again, this time with a scowl. Chef nods back.)

Chris: Dude, stop nodding back at me and just starting hurling the furniture already! (Chef nods back once more, and then grabs a chair. He hurls it straight at Geoff. The party boy, however, has his eyes closed, and is mumbling something to himself.)

Geoff: Purple horshoes, 0.004 grams per marshmallow… shooting stars, 0.007 grams per marshmallow… (With his eyes still closed, he jumps out of the way of the flying chair.)

Chris (beckoning to Geoff): Now _that _is concentration. (Chef, meanwhile, grabs a table, and hurls it at Tyler. Tyler quickly stretches his body out of the way.)

Tyler: I'm too elastic for that, man!

Chris: What is wrong with you two? Chef, I give you permission to go all out. (Chef then starts hurling item after item of heavy furniture, including a kitchen cabinet. As it flies by, Geoff opens it, and pulls out a box of Shredded Wheat.)

Geoff: Alright! Score! (He rips it open and starts pouring it in his mouth. Tyler and Geoff both stay on the platform for another twenty minutes, as heavy object after heavy object is hurled at them.)

Chris: C'mon, Chef! You're making us look like idiots!

Courtney: Oh, don't worry. We figured that out a long time ago. (Chris scowls at her, and turns back to Chef.)

Chris: Do something already!

Chef: But I'm out of heavy furniture.

Chris: Then find some other things to throw at them! (Chef shrugs, and grabs the immunity bench, with Courtney, Noah, Beth, Cody, and Gwen still on it. He holds it high above his head.)

Beth: What are you doing?

Noah: No way! You can't hurl us!

Chef: Hey, I'm running out of things to throw. (With that, he hurls the bench as hard as he can at Geoff, with the five campers screaming. It whistles just a few feet by Geoff's face. The immunity bench crash-lands on the ground on the other side of the platform.)

Noah: Ow… there goes my pancreas. (Meanwhile, Chef is fuming about the fact that he missed.)

Chef: Goddamit! I can't hit either of them! (Izzy comes up behind him and places a hand on his shoulder.)

Izzy: Allow me. (She walks over, and picks up Trent in one hand.)

Trent: Hey! What the hell? (Izzy then picks up Ezekiel and Harold in the other hand.)

Ezekiel: Yo, girl, put us doon! The Zeke needs his ghetto feet touching the hater ground at all times!

Izzy: Just one second.

Ezekiel: Not one second, eh! Don't make me use the bling—(He is cut off as Izzy takes the three of them, and molds them into one huge ball of body parts.)

Harold (his face sticking out of the ball, near Trent's left leg): Gah! Help! What are you doing?

Izzy: Making myself a good old-fashioned "guy ball". (She hefts it up above her head.)

Trent: Now, Izzy let's be reasonable HEEEEEERREEEE! (Izzy hurls the ball straight at Tyler. Tyler is still doing jumping jacks in place, when suddenly, he sees the ball flying towards him.)

Ezekiel (his face sticking out of the front): Watch oot, eh! (Tyler tries to dive out of the way, but it's too late. The ball smashes into him, and sends him flying off the platform. There is a huge cloud of dust, and when it clears, Tyler, Ezekiel, Harold, and Trent are all seen lying on the ground, groaning in pain.)

Izzy: Ha! Score one for the Izzy! (Chef shrugs.)

Chef: You beat me this time, soldier. (As he starts to walk away, Izzy smirks.)

Izzy: Going back to give your Furreal Friends a bath?

Chef: Shut up! You don't know what I'm going to do! (Meanwhile, the platform has shut off, and Geoff looks around.)

Geoff: Did I… did I win?

Chef: Yep! Congratulations, Geoff! You're the first Killer Redwood to win immunity!

Geoff: Yeah! That's right! Now where's my hat?

Bridgette: It's right here. (Geoff snatches it from her, and puts it back on his head.)

Geoff: Ahh… that's better. My scalp's like a private part. I don't like exposing it too much. If it's exposed to much—

Chris: Geoff?

Geoff: Yeah?

Chris: I really don't care.

**Confession Cam**

**Geoff: How could Chris not care about my hat? It's everything to me! It applies the proper shading to the brim of my nose, which, mind you, is very prone to sunburn. It cuts off the circulation to brain just enough that I don't think too much, but don't think too little, either. Plus, it's stylish! **

**Izzy: Yes, I like taking a bunch of humans and stuffing them together into a ball. It's quite fun. I did it at my family reunion. Poor grandpa… I'm not invited to many family reunions anymore. But they are not my true family. Michael Jackson is my only true family. **

**Trent: I hate today. **

**Ezekiel: I kind of liked the whole human body ball experience, eh… it was kinda like mosh-pitting at the club. **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: Well, Izzy gets major props today for finally ending that challenge… (Izzy grins sheepishly Tyler, Trent, Harold, and Ezekiel, who are all in wheelchairs.) … but that does not earn her immunity. Currently, Geoff, Beth, Noah, Cody, Courtney, and Gwen are the only ones with immunity in their possession. The other nine of you—

Trent: Ha! Nine!

Chris: Um… yeah. Nine.

Trent: Nine!

Chris: Stuff a sock in it, will you? Pretty much, Trent, Tyler, Katie, Bridgette, Izzy, Lindsay, DJ, Ezekiel, and Harold all don't have immunity yet. But there is one more chance for them to earn it. In the Total Drama Island challenge! What will it be? Find out after the break! (He stands there, frozen in place.)

Bridgette: Um, what are you doing?

Chris: We can't move until the next update. We have to stay frozen in place.

Harold: Why?

Chris: The Cheesebub. He's the god of this fic. Up there. (He points to the sky.) Last time the update took six weeks. We have no idea when the next one could be.

Gwen: Okay, what are you smoking?

Chris: Nothing. But we must stay exactly where we are.

Katie: No way. Call us back when the next "update" is.

Chris: No! You must stay here!

Beth: Why would we do that?

Chris: Um… there's candy! (He pulls a candy cane out of his pants.)

Noah: Yeah… no. (He walks away, followed by the other fourteen campers and Chef. Chris is left all alone. He turns to the camera and smiles.)

Chris: I guess it's just you and me, huh? (The cameraman sprints away in fear. Chris sighs, and starts the sign-off.)

**Will anyone ever love me? **

**When will the next update be? **

**Who will win immunity in the final challenge? **

**Who will be voted off? **

**And what will the person voted off find at Redemption Cabin? Hopefully not Alejandro's corpse. That would suck. **

**Find out on the next wicked chapter of **

**Total Drama Returns! **

**Chris: Okay, who says wicked anymore? Only forty-year-old hippy virgins. Whatever. I'm gonna go smoke some pot and weep about my loneliness. **

**NEXT ****TIME:**The dive challenge. It set the tone for Total Drama. It turned it into the hit show that it is. Now, the campers must relive it with a twist. The immune campers can choose to take the plunge for certain non-immune campers to win them immunity. What results is one of the most shocking and dramatic campfire ceremonies ever.


	33. Day 10 Part 3: First Final 15 Fatality

**Total Drama Returns**

**The Cheesebub's Message**: Darn, such a long time to update. More than a month again. Sorry about that. This is the longest chapter, however, at over 17,000 words. Anyways, I don't feel like leaving you that long of a message, so I'll just tell you that the poll is still up if you haven't voted, and something a lot of you have been waiting for happens in this chapter. You'll know what I mean. ;) Also, this chapter has the first guy-guy kiss, and no, it's not Chris and Chef. Don't worry, it's on accident! Kind of like the Cody-Noah thing. You'll see. Oh yeah, and there's a new review number! It's coming up soon!

**Flutejrp—**Yeah, sorry about all the inappropriate stuff. Not as much this chapter. Just to warn you, I know something that happens in this chapter is gonna make you probably really happy. Just a heads up. There's plenty more of both of those relationships coming very soon.

**NerdyBARISTA—**Yeah, TDA officially sucked. TDWT had a great premiere, but after that, a lot of it went downhill. Especially the songs. Tyler is definitely becoming Katie's top enemy. As you'll see, she and Geoff are actually starting to get along. Don't feel bad for Trent. Just don't. He's not the kind of character I want people feeling bad for. I agree that Gwen is actually playing a very good game right now, same with Katie. But yes, Katie is definitely getting borderline-abusive. And Geoff really can't stand it. Yep, seems like Izzy is helping everyone win. But that's just how she rolls. Anyways, glad you're excited for this chapter.

**monkeylove123—**Glad to know you can eat Frosted Flakes again. They're pretty delicious. And that was not just product placement. Yeah, now I'm on the favorites list of 56 people, at one point it was 59, but then a few people took it off because this chapter took so long. WHOA. As I was writing this, it just went down to 55. Guess I need to get this chapter out! Makes sense, I guess :( Review responding I actually enjoy, because it helps me know what I should do to improve the story.

**crockolot—**Glad you thought that was the funniest chapter yet. This one's still pretty funny, but I think it takes a more dramatic turn as you'll see. Yes, we all love Chris, no matter how many Viagra jokes he makes. Yep, sexist Zeke is coming very soon, unfortunately. The guy ball and the Chris and Chef battle were two of my favorites in the chapter as well. Sadly, there's only one elimination tonight, but it is very dramatic. Hope that doesn't bum you out too much. Pretty much, when I said "eliminations", it was in the context of "In **one** of the most dramatic eliminations ever". Still, hope you like this chapter.

**Obsessive Duncan fanboy—**Rapper Zeke is awesome, I agree. I wish I could keep him around longer. Writer for the show? Nah. Looks like it might be ending soon anyway.

**Cottontop—**Hopefully this is as "worth the wait" as the last one. YAY! You get the joke! I toss an internet banana to you. I see what you mean with how Chris is very effeminate. I guess it's just how he was raised as a child. DJ just gets abused more in this chapter, I'm afraid. Izzy is about to switch from a NoCo shipper to something much weirder. You'll see. You hope Bridgette doesn't get voted out? You'll have to read on to find out!

***blank*- **Nope, no immunity yet, but who knows what might happen? Darn, I really like all those rappers. Good to see that rapper Zeke was popular!

**QiaoMei—**Thanks! Hope you enjoy this chapter too!

**ThomasJ8532—**Don't worry, I tone down the ChrisxChef a lot. That was just for fun, that chapter, really. This one's a lot more camper focused. Damn, I got it wrong? I knew I couldn't trust Wikipedia! They always lie to me! Oh well, you're smarter than me. I'm a writer, not a scientist.

**luvin money—**Thank you very much. And I love money too.

**Yman—**You are the 300th. You do not get a prize. But you do get a pat on the head. Yes, it was quite inappropriate, and yes I agree that the Killer Grips symbol scared the shit out of many.

**TazFlan93—**Fine, fine, he's a middle-aged man in a 17-year-old's body. Also, thanks for that very kind PM you sent me.

**TeenTitan54—**Trust me, I really can't write that well. Please don't make that your goal.

**Day 10 Part 3—Chapter 33: First Final 15 Fatality**

**Screaming Ivy Cabin **

(All the campers from both teams sit on the floor, in a circle, lounging around.)

DJ: So, when do you guys think the next "update" will be?

Geoff: Who knows? But I like just hanging out. I found me a bucket filled with shredded wheat, milk, potatoes… I'm set for a while. (He proudly displays a big red bucket, then takes a spoon, and dips it in.)

Beth: Um, Geoff?

Geoff: Yes?

Geoff: That's Big Bertha's pig slop. (Geoff stares at her, frozen. He remains a statue, his facial expression unchanging. Then he falls to the floor, unconscious.)

Harold: I'll answer your question, DJ.

DJ: I think it's fine, Harold—

Harold: Oh, but you asked. And now I am answering. (He clears his throat.) When you're trying to figure out when the next update will be, it all depends on certain factors. For one, the mass of the chapter compared to the velocity of fingers typing over a keyboard at a rate of _x_. Now, you need to take this _x _and translate it into year to second ratio dialogue, and then you'll find the rate, which, based on the time, is…

Bridgette (nudging Noah as Harold blabbers away): What do you think, Noah? When do you think the next update will be?

Noah: I would answer that, but I've been trying to avoid awkwardly pointless socialization. It's really not too good for my health.

Bridgette: Wow. You don't need to be so down about it. And how is this awkward? (Noah snorts.)

Noah: The question you should be asking is how this is _not _awkward. We're all in one cabin all of a sudden, interacting with a team we've never even talked to before, and for some reason, we all appear to be sitting in some sort of Native American ritual circle while awkwardly throwing out conversational hooks that immediately die. So if you don't mind me, I'll stick to my book, which never asks me questions like "What's your favorite Kool-Aid?" and "How's your mom doing?". (DJ hangs his head at this.)

Bridgette (whispering to Izzy): Is there any way to make him stop acting like this?

Izzy: Do you have some tequila and a ping-pong paddle?

Bridgette: No.

Izzy: Then no, there isn't anyway you can make him stop acting like that.

Harold: … and that, my dear friends, is the most probable time that the next update will be.

Courtney: Nobody was listening, you know.

Harold: They do not need to listen. I have drilled the information into their brains whether they were perceiving it or not. Simple perception science, really. Even you could understand it. So therefore, my job is done.

Courtney: I think your "job" is to shut up!

Harold: No, my job was to—

Courtney: I really don't care, Harold.

Ezekiel: I don't know about you haters, but I'm gettin' a bitch of backache, eh. (He stands up and stretches. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees a guitar case.) Now what's that? Looks pretty hip, yo. (He walks over, and raps his knuckles on it.)

Courtney: That's Trent's! Don't touch it!

Cody: Speaking of which, where _is _my man Trent?

Gwen: Probably in the confessional. PMS'ing, as usual. (Courtney is about to say something back, but holds her tongue.)

Ezekiel: I'm sure he won't mind me takin' it out and strummin' it some. Just like I strum my hands across the bitch's bodies, eh! (He undoes the clasps, and slowly opens it up. The rapper peers in.) Hm. That's a funny lookin' guitar—(Suddenly, Trent jumps out from inside the case at him, and tackles Ezekiel to the ground.)

Trent: Thought you could steal my guitar, huh? Well, I'll let you know I'm a lot smarter than to leave my guitar unattended. So I make sure to keep extra close guard. Especially when a bunch of new people come into a room, and you don't know how dangerous any of them are.

Gwen: I thought you didn't even play guitar anymore! Why do you care?

Trent: That is beside the point. The point is that the guitar must not be touched.

Katie: So what you're telling me is you stuffed yourself into a guitar case and stayed there for five hours, waiting for someone to try and touch your guitar?

Trent (proudly): Yes. Yes I did.

Katie (snickering): Well, congratulations. You've officially proven to me that you're not even worthy of being considered a threat.

Trent: Oh, I'm a threat, Katie. More than you know. (He disappears into the shadows. There is an awkward silence.)

Beth: Well, despite that strange turn of events, I like just sitting in here. It's kind of fun just hanging out like this.

Tyler: Got that right. Now I get to finally spend some time with my girl Lindsay! (He drapes his arm around her. Lindsay looks at the arm hanging loosely over her shoulder, and screams in fear.)

Lindsay: Gah! SNAKE! Someone get it off! Someone get it off!

Cody: What? Snake? I'll save you, babe! Looks like an anaconda! (He grabs a baseball bat from the corner of the room, grabs Tyler's arm, and then starts smashing it.) Don't worry! I'll kill it!

Tyler (as his arm is repeatedly hit by the bat): My arm isn't a snake! It's just extremely flexible! Ow! Stop! Oof! Ow! Gah! Oof! Ow!

**Confession Cam**

**Gwen: Never again will I spend some quality time with that group of people. Geoff was eating pig slop, Ezekiel was rapping about asparagus, Izzy was telling me some story about how she scrubbed Michael Jordan's afro… if any more of this happens, I might shoot myself! **

**Cody (proudly displaying the bat): Hey, a man has got to do what a man has got to do. When you see a damsel in distress… you save her. Yeah, I knew it was just Tyler's arm, but I know all about female attraction pheromes. By beating up Tyler with a baseball bat, I've established myself as alpha male. And I bet Gwen saw that… now there's no way she can resist me. Hopefully Tyler isn't too pissed. **

**Tyler (his arm bandaged): I'm pissed. Cody thinks he can just get my girl? (He snickers.) Aint gonna happen. But if it does… (He points to the toilet.) Say this is Cody. Here is what I what I will do. (He angrily flushes the toilet.) **

**Lindsay: I'm _so_ happy that Carl saved me. You come that close to death, and you see things _totally _differently! Like, everything! Remember that pair of new shoes I got a few weeks ago? Well, now I think they look kind of… well, tacky. And you know what else? I think one of my skirts might be in the wrong color! Seriously, these are, like, some substantial changes for me. **

**Ezekiel: Hello to all my fellow haters. It's Zeke the Gentleman here. Now I know what you must be thinkin', eh. You be thinkin', "Hey, Zeke! You aint no gentleman! You just a dumpster diving weirdo rapper wannabe!" But listen, folks. Before you can _sleep _with a girl, you gotta _entice_ em. Like you might entice a moose in one of them ghetto moose traps. The best way to do this is to be polite. So I'm here to give you a few tips on how to be polite to the ladies. First of all, I present to you my secret weapon, eh. (He pulls out a small piece of cloth.) This here always does the trick, eh. Chicks dig a scented napkin. And no, I don't mean one coated in cocaine, I mean some of that floral incense shit. The stuff you find in that ghetto crib, Nordstroms. Love that joint, by the way. (Suddenly, there is a pounding from outside on the door.)**

**Noah: Hey! If you're just going to sit in there and lament about your love for women's clothing lines, get the hell out! Some of us actually have to _use _the bathroom! **

**Ezekiel: Uh-oh! An angry bitch! I aint gonna meddle with powers of an angry bitch, yo! See ya, eh! (He jumps headfirst out the window. A few seconds later, Noah enters, and sits down on the toilet seat. He then sees the cloth lying next to him and picks it up. He tentatively takes a sniff.) **

**Noah: Ooo. Lavender. **

**End of Confessionals**

_**Meanwhile, near the docks… **_

Chris: I'm all alone… nobody to hold me… why would they leave me like this? WHY?

Cameraman (from behind the camera): Um, Mr. Mclean?

Chris: Y-yeah?

Cameraman: I hate to tell you this, but we're on air.

Chris: WHAT? Why didn't you tell me that, you… (Chris quickly stops himself from finishing. He snarls, clenches his fists together, stands up, fixes his hair, and forces a smile on his face.)

Chris: Uhh… welcome back, folks. When we left for the commercial break, I was humming all the songs from the "Bullet For My Valentine" album in reverse numerical order while sadly stuffing my face with frozen cheese tamales amidst a flurry of angry and confused tears. (He pauses as someone from off screen whispers to him.) What? We didn't leave off there? Are you sure? Oh. Well, folks, then forget I said that. Now, we're onto our final challenge! The Total Drama Island challenge! (He looks around.) Where are my campers? I want my campers! (He waits for five minutes, but none of the campers arrive. Chris scowls, and turns to the camera.)

Chris: Give me five minutes.

**(Static)**

Chris: Welcome, campers! (He stands next to the fifteen remaining contestants, all lying on the ground, groaning in pain.)

DJ: Momma…

Bridgette (glaring at Chris): You could've of just come over to the cabin, you know! You didn't have to tell Chef to take a giant roll of duct tape, wrap us all up in it, roll us at high speeds down a slope, then, once he got to the bottom of the hill, unravel the duct tape and slowly drag it across the ground, scraping our bodies off like smashed bugs!

Chris: Hm? Were you speaking? Cause all I heard was a bunch of garbled syllables and moans. Perhaps you should get your vocal chords checked. (Bridgette rolls her eyes.)

Geoff: So, what's up, dude? Are we ready for the final challenge?

Chris: Well, I guess it's time, but thanks to _somebody_—(He shoots an evil glare at the cameraman)—not giving me my proper pre-challenge maintenance time, I'm not quite ready. Quick. I need someone to smell my breath.

Gwen: I'm praying he didn't just ask that.

Noah: This is a TV show! Nobody's going to know what your breath smells like!

Chris: Yes, but the guilt of not beholding the proper amount of minty freshity might tear my living soul apart. But whatever, I'm willing to make a sacrifice. Now, for the final part of—can you guys please stand up or something? It's very rude to just be lying there like that. I feel I'm not getting the respect I deserve.

Courtney: How about _you _give _us _respect for once? (Chris laughs.)

Chris: You should be a comedian. Okay, so a quick refresher. 6 people have immunity. 9 do not. (Trent is about to yell out his favorite number, but Chris quickly points at him, narrows his eyes, and then brings the finger over to his own throat and does a slashing motion over it. Trent quickly shuts up. Chris smiles warmly, and then turns to address the campers again.) Let's recap the day. First, we enjoyed the beauty of snow and the rain of teeth and blood as contestants slapped each other like recently escaped mental patients. Then we had the time of our lives, either getting doused in hot lava, blasted by ice cold water, or pelted by random objects of furniture. A pretty good day so far, huh? (Nobody responds. Chris angrily grabs a flash card and tosses it to Tyler.)

Tyler (reading off of the flash card): Uh… yeah, man! So, uh, um… how could this day get any better? Not like it could. We've had, uh… so much fun today. (He squints his eyes as he continues to read.) Not to mention Chris is like a chiseled statue, with… uh, perfect form and a wonderful jaw line.

Harold (rolling his eyes): Now you're giving us scripts?

Chris: Hey, if you guys aren't gonna show any emotion, I think I have to. Besides, we could all tell Tyler was thinking that. And now I will answer his question. But first, we must all head over to the cliff. (He points towards Mt. Wawanakwa, and then runs off in that direction.)

DJ (swallowing deeply): C-cliff? Does this mean…? (Katie comes up behind him and shoves him in the direction of the mountain.)

Katie: It doesn't matter what it means. We both have to win immunity, and this is the time to do so. So if you have to jump… you jump. Got it? (DJ swallows deeply, and then slowly nods.)

**Confession Cam**

**DJ: I didn't want to let Katie down. I _couldn't _let her down. She's done so much for me. For example, when I can't sleep at night, I ask her to sing me a lullaby. She always does, no matter what time in the morning it is. Well, actually she just yells at me to shut up and tells me how much of a pussy flower I am, but hey, it actually helps me fall asleep. We really have a great relationship! **

**Katie: DJ is one word. And that's desperate. I can pretty much do anything to him, and he'll still think we're a match made in heaven. Whatever, I like that he thinks that. But if he asks me to sing one more lullaby… (She clenches her fists.)**

**End of Confessionals**

**Wawanakwa Peak**

Chris: Here we are. You know, I enjoy being up on Wawanakwa Peak. It really gives me a time to reflect on my past, and refresh my spirit. Also, it's the only place I can truly get my private time. (He stares out at the water.) Look out at the water. Sometimes, in its reflection, you can see your true being. Noah can tell you about it. I took him up here once to let him stare down and see his true self.

Noah: You rolled me up here in my wheelchair while Chef was maniacally slamming a bongo drum, while you were muttering "Let It Be" under your breath, then pushed me off the edge! The only thing I _saw _was a lawsuit coming your way!

Chris: Yes, but you were a changed man after that. Don't you get it? Total Drama is changing lives, folks. That was always my dream. To change the world.

Gwen: Enough. Let's just get onto the cliff-diving, okay?

Chris: Who said we were doing any cliff-diving?

Cody: Okay, if we're not doing cliff-diving, what are we doing?

Chris: Cliff-diving.

Tyler: Yeah! Cliff-diving! Diving of the cliffs! (He sprints past Chris, and with a whoop, lunges off the side of the cliff-face. He quickly disappears over the edge.)

Chris: Well, that was unfortunate.

Beth: Why is that?

Chris: Tyler actually didn't have to jump. In fact, none of the non-immunes have to.

Courtney (narrowing her eyes): Okay, what are you getting at?

Chris: All in good time, my child, all in good time. But before we talk about anything, the producers have requested you tone down all the M-rated stuff. You know, the sexual innuendos, the pedophilia… that sort of thing. This _is_ a kids show, you know.

Geoff: Dude, you're the only one who's been doing any of that.

Chris: Not true. I'm practically a purity saint compared to you guys.

Noah: A platform powered by dildos? "The real Chris takes a long time to erupt"?

Chris: Okay, so that was a few times. We all have our little quirks, Noah. I happen to know that one of your little quirks is that you love playing games that involve—

Noah: Shut up! Don't finish that sentence!

Chris: Touchy, touchy. Oh well, let's get on with the show. First of all, as you may have well guessed, we're going back to Total Drama Island. (Suddenly, Ezekiel bends over, groaning.)

Bridgette (rolling her eyes): Here we go again. (Ezekiel continues to write on the ground. His bling starts to morph away, but then slowly condenses again. A look of determination spreads across Ezekiel's face.)

Ezekiel: NO! RAPPER ZEKE WILL NOT DIE! HE WILL LIVE LONG, YO! (However, the bling continues to disappear, followed by his shades. His skin starts to grow considerably paler.) No… Rapper Zeke… cannot die…

Chris (beckoning to the scene): It appears Ezekiel's multiple personalities are having an all out war! (Ezekiel continues to squirm, until suddenly, he stops, and stands up.)

Ezekiel: That was some heavy stuff, eh. Guess it's from all this bein' outdoors. It can do the craziest things to me. (He looks to his left, and sees Bridgette standing next to him, and then looks to his right, and sees Gwen.) Gah! Why I am surrounded by all of these… them… uh, these, them… these… these…

Gwen: Spit it out!

Ezekiel: Soory. I aint accustomed to all this teen speak, eh. What I'm tryin' to say is, why am I surrounded by all these _girls_? (All the girls roll their eyes.)

Chris: Ah, my favorite of the Zekes. Seriously dude, in less you want to lose the things that make you male, I suggest you shut up.

Ezekiel: Shutting what up—?

Chris: Close your mouth, sexist boy! Thank you. Now—

Ezekiel: Which team has more girls, eh? Cause if it's the other team, I think we need to go easy on em. For the sake of the ladies. (He puts a hand on Bridgette's shoulder.) Don't worry, lady. I'll make sure to help you hold your arms up. I know how heavy they can be sometimes, eh. You'll make it through the challenge with my help.

Bridgette: Permission to hurl him off the cliff, Chris?

Chris: Permission granted. (Bridgette picks Ezekiel up, and walks over to the edge of the cliff.)

Ezekiel: Hey, now, let's not be unreasonable HEEERRRREEEE! (Bridgette hurls him off the side, and he disappears over the edge in the same manner as Tyler.)

Chris: That's a good way to get a homeschool accustomed to nature. Okay, let's reminisce upon the first season. In my opinion, season 1 was perhaps the best of the trio. It was like a newborn child, waiting to be pampered into a strong young man. Like a frozen TV dinner that hasn't been put into the microwave. Like a glass of Pinot Griggio. A little grassy and dry, and needs a little time to air out to become great.

Noah: That's two wine metaphors, Chris. One more strike, and you're out.

Chris: You obviously don't realize how popular my wine metaphors are. Anyways, back in Total Drama Island, everything was simpler. Not as much backstabbing, not that many alliances… it seems that as time has gone on, the show has slowly forgotten why it was created.

Trent: And why was this show created?

Chris: Hell if I should know. I think it might've been a bet when Chef and I were really high that one time. But despite its simplicity, Total Drama Island truly had some powerful, beautiful, and memorable moments. For example: That time Gwen and Trent bonded during the Awake-a-thon. That time I smiled. That time Duncan and Courtney first kissed. That other time I smiled. Not to mention that time I winked. All of these moments mystically elegant in their own unique way. So yeah, not too many criticisms for Total Drama Island.

Noah: Yeah, if it's filled with a pedophile smiling, it's obviously good.

Chris: No need to be bitter, Noah. There was only one small problem with Total Drama Island. And I'm afraid that if we want to make this challenge authentic, I need to do this. (He wipes his hand through the air. Suddenly all the campers clutch their faces.)

DJ: Gah! Why is the skin on my face so tight?

Lindsay: I can barely even move the corners of my mouth!

Izzy: Awesome! This feels like that time I encased my head in concrete!

Harold: Okay, Chris, how did you do this to us? By motion-activated botox radiation?

Chris: No. I just took away your updated facial expressions. Back in TDI, we preferred you guys showing as little emotion as possible, after all.

Noah: Mm. (His whole face is puckered inwards.)

Chris: Oops. A little too tight. (He points at Noah, and slowly, the cynicist's face spreads back out.) That's better. Yeah, so today, you'll all be having to do the challenge with your bones practically covered in latex.

Courtney: That still isn't explaining how you can do that to us!

Chris: Long story. No time. Heh heh. Moving on! I bet you want to know about that twist. Well, I need all the immune campers standing to the left, and all the non-immune campers standing to the right. (The campers slowly spread apart, until they are standing in two groups.)

Chris: There. Immune people, congratulations on having immunity. Noah, Cody, Gwen, Geoff, Beth, Courtney, and Trent, congratulations. You've all done well. (Suddenly, his eyes grow wide.) Wait a minute. (Then he glares at Trent, who chuckles. Chris nods at Chef, who grabs Trent tosses him over into the crowd of non-immunes.) Always trying to pull something, aren't you?

Trent: What? I thought I was immune.

Chris: Ha! You really thought you could trick me. But I'll have you know that I'm a clever man. So, I assume the non-immunes are looking for a way to win immunity. Well, whether or not your dream comes true is not in your hands. It's in theirs. (He beckons to the six immune campers.)

Gwen: Can you please tell us what that means?

Chris: Okay, so here's how the twist will work—

**Confession Cam**

**Ezekiel: It's time for another episode of "Ezekiel's Gentleman Advice"! Now, if you really wanna be a gentleman, here's a word, of advice, eh. Heh heh. Guess that's why this is called "Ezekiel's Gentleman Advice". I'm giving advice to gentlemen! Ha! Now, to be a true gentleman, ya gotta leave the toilet seat down. Now I know this may seem like an impossible task, but it really aint, and now it's a daily routine in my classy lifestyle. Here's what you wanna do. Take both your hands, and firmly place them on the edge of the seat. Be careful, eh. This is where a lot of haters mess up. You gotta keep your hands in the ten and two position when you're setting doon the toilet seat, like you might drive a car. Now, place it down slowly. SLOWLY! There. Now you have it. Slowly let go. That's it. Let your fingers slide out from underneath the cushion. Perfect. And there you have it, eh! You've successfully put down a toilet seat! See ya next time, my gentlemen! **

**End of Confessionals**

Katie: What the heck just happened? One minute you were talking, the next minute, we were getting a confessional from Ezekiel!

Chris: Well, we're going back to the first season, right? And after all, that was back when the editors had no idea what the hell they were doing. Sorry about that. But hey, now you guys know how to put down a toilet seat!

Geoff: Yeah, man! I feel, like, enlightened. (His eyes widen.) Damn. I'm an educated man now. Awesome! I'm like an intuitive beast! Learning new things everyday!

Chris: Okay, now I will explain the twist. Yes, people will be jumping off the cliff. But the ones jumping won't be the non-immune ones. They'll be the already _immune _ones!

Courtney: What? That's completely unfair. I can't believe you would—

Chris: Hold on, let me finish. So, one by one, the six immune campers will be given the names of one or two non-immune campers. They can either choose to jump, or not jump. If they do jump, then they are winning immunity for the camper/campers they were assigned. But if they do not jump, then the camper(s) they were assigned do not get immunity.

Courtney: Wow! So this is almost like a strategy game!

Chris: No. No it is not. It is jumping off a cliff.

Courtney: Yes, but the social medians it strains is simply—

Chris: Stop making things all _complicated_, goddammit! So, let's begin—(Suddenly, there is a huge heave from over on the other side of the cliff. Tyler, dripping wet, races over, breathing heavily.)

Tyler: Okay, I did it man! Just like you asked!

Chris: I didn't "ask" for anything, Tyler! You just went lunging off the cliff before I even said anything!

Tyler: Whatever. So, do I win immunity?

Chris: No. You don't.

Tyler: What if I do it again?

Chris: Tyler, you can't just—(But Tyler has already disappeared over the edge of the cliff again.)

Chris: The dude's persistent, I'll give him that. Okay, so let's begin. Gwen, you're up first. And guess whose fate is resting in your pasty hands? C'mon, guess!

Gwen: No thank you.

Chris: Well, I'll give you a hint! It starts with a "T" and rhymes with "Bent"!

Trent: You can't be serious, Chris.

Chris: That's right! TRENT! (Gwen smirks.)

Gwen: Trent, maybe you should've thought before you were such a bastard to me, hm?

Trent (pointing threateningly at her): You better jump! Do it right now!

Gwen: Meh, I don't really feel like getting my makeup runny for someone who's always talking about how much they hate me.

Trent: What? I never said that. I love you! See? (He walks towards her to give her a hug, but smashes into an invisible wall. He jumps back rubbing his head.) What the?

Chris: Yeah, we can't have any of the losers strangling the winners, so we put up an invisible wall to protect them. So, Gwen, is that a no to Trent?

Gwen: I'm afraid so, Chris.

Trent: Aw, come on! I'm going back to the cabin. (He angrily stomps away. However, he stomps away in the wrong direction, and goes stomping right off the cliff. He screams as he goes tumbling down.)

Courtney: Gwen, that was so uncalled for. Now look what happened!

Gwen: I'm _actually _going back to the cabin. See ya. (She walks away, smirking.)

**Confession Cam**

**Gwen: I was hoping I would get Trent. That was the most satisfying thing I've ever done. **

**Trent: Heh, I knew where the cabin was. I just decided to take the long way. Heh. **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: Cody, buddy, you're up next.

Cody: I'm jumping no matter what! If it's to save a babe!

Chris: Well, you have the fate of two resting on your back. Both DJ and Bridgette are counting on you.

Cody: No prob. (He winks at Bridgette. However, DJ thinks he's winking at him, and winks back. Cody gets frustrated.) No, man, I'm trying to wink at Bridgette! Bridgette, babe, that wink was for you.

Bridgette (sarcastically): I'm so touched.

Cody: I know, babe, I know.

Chris: Cody, time to take the plunge. (Nervously, Cody walks up to the edge of the cliff.)

Tyler: WHY DON'T I HELP YOU WITH THAT!

Chris: Where'd you even come from? Didn't you jump off the cliff like five seconds ago? (However, Tyler has already shoved DJ off the cliff, and is now wiping his hands off.) That's what you get, Cody. For trying to steal my girl. And for beating up my throwing arm.

Katie: That wasn't even Cody, Tyler! That was DJ!

Tyler: Wha-? Really? Darn, I need to get my eyesight checked. (Meanwhile, DJ is has landed in the safezone, and is finding that he's actually floating.)

DJ: Whoa! You see that, Katie? I did it! I DID IT! I'm not a baby anymore! I'm not a—(Suddenly, Cody slams crotch first right into the back of DJ's head. The two both cringe in pain, and then sink beneath the water.)

Chris: And DJ's party is interrupted by a fatal groin injury for Cody!

Izzy: Ha! That sounded really wrong.

Chris: I thought I told you guys to cut it with the inappropriate talk!

Noah: Well, you're the one who just said it.

Chris: Whatever. I can say anything I like. And you know what I say? Bridgette, move on over into the immunity zone. You and DJ have both been granted it. (Smiling, Bridgette walks over to the immunity spot and high-fives Gwen.)

Chris: What's next? Let's have our good friend Beth come on up. (Beth, her teeth chattering nervously, steps forward.) Why are you so nervous, Beth?

Beth: I told myself I would do it, but now I just don't know…

Chris: Well, both Tyler and Ezekiel are counting on you, so I hope you can do something for them. (Suddenly, Ezekiel appears back up on the cliff.)

Ezekiel: Ha! Like she would do anything to help us. She's just a girl! We don't need no help from no girls, eh! We men can do it ourselves!

Beth: If that's the case, then I won't do it. I was going to do it, but now I won't.

Ezekiel: That's right, eh!

Chris: Ezekiel, you do realize you should asked not to have immunity, right?

Ezekiel: We're men, eh! We're already immune! Immune to weakness! (Suddenly, Katie slaps him the face. He spins around, and then his eyes burst open.) What… what happened? Where am I, eh? (He slowly begins to remember. Then he falls to the ground, sobbing.) I did it, didn't I? I relapsed. I RELAPSED! (He collapses, his body heaving pitifully.)

**Confession Cam**

**Ezekiel: Integrity was the only thing I had. But today… today I lost it, eh. It's like my integrity was sucked oot of me through a needle. So many people I noo must apologize to! (He turns around and hugs the toilet.) I'm sorry, buddy. I never meant for this to happen, eh. **

**Beth: That actually worked out pretty well for me. **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: Well, we have three contestants who have been given difficult choices. Now, Courtney, you may be getting a very difficult choice. Harold and Lindsay—

Courtney: Nope.

Chris: You didn't even think about it!

Courtney: For one, you know I can't jump. And two, I really don't like either of them very much.

Chris: Cold, heartless, calculating… you're like my mom when she hasn't had enough Viagra.

Noah: Chris! What did you say about no inappropriate talk?

Chris: Oops. Sorry. Couldn't help but say that one. Okay, Noah, now it's your turn. You have the choice of saving Izzy.

Noah: YES! (He suddenly realizes how enthusiastic he sounds.) Er, I mean… I guess. (Izzy claps her hands in delight, and runs over to the immunity area.)

Chris: Now hold on a second. You still need to jump, mister.

Noah: Oh, um… (He looks down the cliff at the tiny safety circle below.)

Izzy: Don't worry, Noah! You helped me, now I help you! (She grabs him, and tosses him towards the edge of the cliff. However, her toss goes short, and Noah slams face-first into the ground. He slides across the cliff on his face, before tumbling over the edge, yelling in fear.)

**Confession Cam**

**Izzy: I like helping people. So I gave Noah a little helping hand! Just like I did to Rebecca Black when I wrote "Friday" for her! Too bad she's getting death threats now… **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: Well, that was certainly a way to fix those non-updated facial expressions. Now, Geoff, you're the final man. The last hero. The final stand. And you have the choice of saving Katie! (Katie groans.)

Katie: Okay, okay… guess I have to fight it out tonight…

Geoff: I'll jump for her.

Katie: Wait, what?

Geoff: Come on over, babe! There's enough room for you over here!

Katie: Wait a minute. WHAT?

Chris: Yes, I second that. WHAT? Why would you bring Katie over?

Geoff: Hey, the more people in the party, the merrier, dude. Plus, as her party doctor, I'm afraid she isn't quite ready to make it out of rehab just yet.

Chris: Well, okay then… guess you have to jump.

Geoff: Alright! Cowabunga, dude! (He hurls himself off the cliff, and lands perfectly in the safe zone.) BOOYAH! (Katie, still surprised, walks over and stands with the other immunes.)

Chris: So, that's it for our little drive back to Total Drama Island. Now, I'm sure the immunes have a lot of strategizing to do. Because now, only _**they**_ get to vote! Also, at dinner tonight, all the immunes will sit at one table, all the non-immunes at the other. That way, there's no way you losers can influence the vote. So, enjoy yourselves! (Katie, smiling, walks away, rubbing her hands together mischievously.)

**Confession Cam**

**Katie: More than dumb mistake on Geoff's part. He's so trusting, so naïve. But now… now I can finally get rid of Trent! It'd be nice to have him out before the merge, I'll tell you that. **

**Geoff: There's so much potential in Katie. There really is. I need to harvest this potential, and really use it to find the right prescription of partying. This is actually a very serious matter. **

**Tyler: Whatever. I don't need some dumb immunity. I don't need anyone! WAAHH! (He bangs his head against the wall.)**

**End of Confessionals**

**(Evening)**

**Mess Hall**

(The ten immunes all sit at a table, talking about who to vote out.)

Gwen: Trent's gone. Right, Bridgette? You're voting for Trent? (Bridgette is clearly in deep thought. She looks at Gwen, and sighs.)

Bridgette: Okay, normally I would agree with you in a heartbeat on that one, but I feel like someone else should go.

Noah: You can't be serious. You have to vote him out with us. I'm telling you, it's like Courtney's rubbing her bitch dust off on him.

Courtney: I heard that, you know-it-all bastard! (Noah gives her a polite grin and waves at her.)

Noah: How are you, Courtney? Doing well? (He turns back to Bridgette, a serious facial expression.) Seriously. Who else could you possibly be thinking of voting out besides Trent?

Bridgette: Well, this is pretty much based off of what happened today, but… Harold.

Gwen: Harold? Over Trent? I know the dude's creepy, but not quite as creepy as stuffing himself in a guitar case.

Bridgette: Listen to me. That whole catfight photo thing… that sickened me. That was more sexist than anything I've ever seen.

Gwen: He's just a perv. It's not that big a deal.

Cody: You never say that to me!

Gwen: Nobody needs your opinion right now, Cody. I'm sorry, Bridgette. But I'm voting for Trent.

Cody: Whatever Gwen does, I do. Looks like that's two votes for Trent. (Bridgette shrugs.)

Bridgette: Whatever. But my vote tonight still goes to Harold.

Beth: You talk about sexist? What about Ezekiel? I think he should go. The only reason I have any hesitation is because he really likes playing with Big Bertha.

Noah: How exactly do they "play"?

Beth (swallowing deeply): Um… I'd rather not answer that.

Bridgette: Okay, Ezekiel was a little bit sexist today. But he doesn't know better. And that was just his weird multiple personalities thing kicking in. He's a changed man, at least, supposedly. But Harold… who knows how long this catfight phase will last? Who knows how many pictures he's taken of all of us?

Noah: Hey, it's not like he's taking any pictures of me. And besides, I'm sure they're flattering. (He winks at her. Bridgette glares at him. Meanwhile, sitting at the other end of the table are Izzy, Courtney, DJ, Geoff, and Katie. Katie turns to Geoff, and smiles.)

Katie: I still haven't thanked you for saving me. If it weren't for you, I'd be over there, dealing with Tyler and his monologues about how losing is winning, and is a test of one's character. (She shakes her head.) Losing does nothing to a person. It only makes them settle for less. (She looks at Geoff, who is staring at her expectantly, a small smile playing at his lips.) What?

Geoff: Okay, I saved you. Now I want you to repay me.

Katie: I'm never going to give you a scalp rub, Geoff.

Geoff: What? Nah, that dream's long gone. I want you to have a party right here, right now.

Katie: What? How? Right here? In my seat? No way!

Geoff: Hey, calm down. You shouldn't get stressed out about partying. That's the first fault with your party box. But we'll fix it. I've seen great potential in you. You've got what it takes to become a well-toned, well-oiled, Kool-aid chugging party machine! And I'm going to help you every step of the way. Now, have a party. Right now. You've got immunity; that's a reason to celebrate, is it not? (Katie groans.)

Katie: Fine. (She sighs, and throws her hands up in the hair less-than-enthusiastically.) Woo. (She looks at Geoff.) There. You happy?

Geoff: Hm… (He takes out a grading rubric, and scans over it.) The party gets a D+. You had excellent vertical when you threw your hands up in the air, and the way you said "Woo" had quite the vibrating charm to it. But overall, it was too short, too boring, and there was no cereal. You gotta remember… I've got a whole column of the rubric devoted to cereal.

Katie: Okay, enough of this stupidity. We need to choose someone to eliminate. And I think you know exactly who you want to vote for. (She looks at him expectantly.)

Geoff: Uhh… Heather, maybe?

Katie: Heather's out of the competition!

Geoff: That's a shame. Well, then what are my options?

Katie: You've got Ezekiel, Lindsay, _**TRENT**_, Harold, and Tyler.

Geoff: Um… "False"?

Katie: It's not a true or false question, Geoff! Pick one of the five options!

Geoff: Uh… can you name them again?

Katie: You know what? Just vote for Trent. You got that? Trent. (DJ suddenly sits down next to her.)

DJ: Hey, Katie! Did you see my jump today? I actually did it! I—

Katie: DJ, dearie, that's great. Vote for Trent. Now please stop talking. (DJ sighs, and looks down. Geoff looks like he is about to explode, he is so mad.)

**Confession Cam**

**Geoff: It took every ounce of my willpower not to lash out. I know it's my job as party chief to save the dying partiers, but man! You can't treat a guy like that, Katie! Can't you see that he tries so hard to impress you? Don't you realize that if you crush him, he may never be able to date another girl again? Do you have any decency for human beings? (He takes slow, calming breaths.) But I can't let my emotions get the better of me. I need Katie as an ally. I also need to see if I can save her from hitting the party grave. So as you can see, the Geoff-beast is working all aspects of the game! Woo! **

**End of Confessionals**

Courtney: *sigh*… Well, at least you'll go along with my plan… I'm afraid you're my only ally at this point… (She looks across the table at Izzy, who is chewing on one of Chef's shoes.)

Izzy: I know! But I mean, c'mon! Like I would listen to Gwen and vote for Trent! Trent's way too awesome! Did you know he consistently goes to the bathroom in the middle of the night and stands in front of the mirror? Then he turns off the lights, says "9" nine times, and turns the lights back on? He thinks he'll see the great "9" appear in the mirror, and it will give him wise advice on where he should and where he should not apply "9" in his lifestyle to give him the brightest future and the best of luck filled with nines and serenity.

Courtney: He doesn't do that.

Izzy: Maybe not, but one day he will. Mark my words. MARK THEM!

Courtney: Geez, I'm marking them. Now, if you don't mind me, I have an announcement to make. (She stands up on the bench, and faces the people sitting at the immune table.) People of the immune! I would like to address you all.

Noah: Get down from that bench before you slip and break your neck! (He suddenly realizes what he just said.) Actually, please, continue.

Courtney: Ha! I'll have you know, Noah, that as a C.I.T., I have incredible balance. (She clears her throat, and continues.) Now, what do we immunes have in common? It is that we all fought to get to where we are right now! But who has been riding coat-tails so far? Slipping under the radar? Never doing any actual work? Lindsay, that's who! That's why both Izzy and I are voting for Lindsay, and we highly encourage you to do the same.

Lindsay: I'm right over here you know!

Courtney: Hm? I thought I heard something. Anyways, that's all. I hope to see many "Lindsays" tonight in the voting confessionals. Thank you. (She sits back down.) That seemed to do the trick. (She hears Noah's voice from the other end of the table.)

Noah: So, Trent it is?

Gwen: Trent it is.

Cody: Trent it is.

Katie: Trent it is.

Geoff: Trent it is. (Courtney slaps her hand to her forehead. Seeing this, Bridgette looks over at DJ.)

Bridgette: Looks like Trent's going home no matter what. I have a small request though, if you're up for it. I know that Katie told you to vote for Trent, but since he's pretty much automatically going home, could you maybe join up with me in voting for Harold? I know he's not going home, but I just want to throw a couple of votes his way. You know, give him a scare, make him rethink his actions. Will you help me with this?

DJ: I don't know… Katie might not be too happy if I don't vote with her.

Bridgette: She'll never find out. Besides… what would _momma _want you to do? (This one strikes a chord with DJ.)

DJ: Momma…

**Confession Cam**

**DJ: Momma always told me never to exploit women for personal gain. Actually, she told me to never even _look _at women. But I'm sure that if Momma met Harold, he would end the encounter on life support. And if Momma doesn't approve, neither do I. So I'm gonna do the right thing, Momma! The right thing! **

**Courtney: These people obviously don't like good public speaking. I made all the right cases! All the right arguments! Why didn't they listen? And don't say it's because they all hate me. Because that _sooo _isn't true. **

**Gwen: Okay, so here's how it is right now. Cody, Noah, and I are voting for Trent, along with Geoff, Katie, and most likely DJ. Bridgette's voting for Harold, Izzy and Courtney are voting for Lindsay. Beth's vote really doesn't matter. Looks like Trent's going home. If he somehow slips by again… I might have to see if Harold has another red ant farm. Yes. That sounds good. **

**Noah: Is Courtney even a strategist? You don't stand up on one of the benches and announce your plan to the entire group! She really is an attention-whore, I'll give her that. But I'm really surprised Izzy's siding with her. What did Courtney offer her? **

**Izzy: Ashton Kutcher thong, here I come! **

**End of Confessionals**

(Trent stands in the front of the dinner line, ranting to Chef.)

Trent: I can't believe I'm in the loser group again! "I should've been nice"? "Nice"? "Nice" gets you nowhere! I tried to be nice! And look where that got me! I was an empty character after that! Filler! I was practically nothing. So I realized that to be recognized, you can't be nice. You need to be heartless. But sometimes I feel like—(He is cut off as Chef splatters sludge into his face.)

Chef: All I asked is if you wanted ketchup. NEXT! (Grumbling, Trent stomps over to the loser table, and sits down next to Harold. Tyler and Lindsay sit across from them. Trent continues his rant.)

Trent: What makes me even angrier is that we can't even sit at the same table as the immunes! Instead, we have to sit over here at this _loser _table, while they get to sit over there, laughing and enjoying themselves! (He angrily grabs a salt shaker and rips off the cap. Then he starts pouring it all over his food. Harold places a calming hand on Trent's shoulder.)

Harold: You know, Trent, maybe an Italian proverb will help you with your situation. As it once said, "The salt of patience seasons everything". Heh heh. Get it? Because… you're salting your food… and… (Noticing Trent's scowl, he chuckles.) Here. I've got another one. This one's Roman. (He clears his throat.) "In times of peace, sons bury their fathers. In times of war, fathers bury their sons."

Trent: What does that have to do with anything?

Harold: I don't know, there's just something about proverbs that always makes me feel better.

Trent: Well, I don't masturbate to Confucius like you do, so can you please stop it? (He continues to pour salt all over his food.)

Lindsay: Don't you think that's like, uh, too much salt? (She nudges Tyler.) I think that's too much salt! OMG, that's totally too much! Wow! I'm really getting perceptive!

Trent: What? I like to have a lot of flavor.

Tyler: Dude, you just used up the entire container! Weak, man!

Trent: I don't get it! What's wrong with a little salt?

Ezekiel (from under the table): Here's how I see it, eh. You're saltin yer food so much because you don't think you have any of the zesty flavor you wish you had. You're tryin' to make up for your empty existence through excessive condiment usage, eh. And you believe that if you continue to flavor the ootside world, maybe yer meaningless soul will be flavored as well.

Trent: Okay, for one, when did _you _become a psychiatrist? And second, why the hell are you under the table?

Ezekiel: I've always been a psychiatrist. Specifically _your _psychiatrist, Trent. I've noticed patterns in your behavior that, frankly, disturb me greatly, eh.

Trent (crossing his arms): Says the guy who can't stay the same person for more than ten seconds. (Ezekiel sighs.)

Ezekiel: That's why I'm under the table, eh. I aint never gonna show my face again. What I did today… it was a disgrace to my family name. I've always had such a strong purpose. Never lost sight of it. I did today, eh. And I'm ASHAMED! (He bangs his head underneath the table in anger.)

Tyler: Don't be ashamed, dude. Chris obviously put us here to prove something. Prove that we can fight back, and make it to tomorrow!

Harold: Yeah, except one of us won't.

Tyler: Well, it aint gonna be me or Lindsay. Now, I don't know about you guys, but I'm gonna chow down before Campfire ceremony. Gotta have my brain ready in case Chris asks me any questions. If I could only find my fork… (He feels around on the table, and grabs Trent's hand. Then he dips it in his slop, and brings it back up, shoveling the sludge off of Trent's hand into his mouth. Trent pulls away his hand in disgust.)

Tyler: Now, where's my napkin… (He feels around on the table, but can't find it. Then he waves his hands around blindly in the air. Chef, who is standing nearby mopping, suddenly feels Tyler's fingers clench around his cheek. Tyler then pulls Chef's cheek towards him and wipes the corners of his mouth with it. Tyler frowns.) Hm. Rough napkin. But rough napkins define a champion! Only champions use rough napkins! Proves that they're tough, and—(Chef smashes the mop down on Tyler's head, and then goes back to mopping. The jock sways around, his eyes spinning all over the place.)

Harold: Gosh, you seriously need glasses. Here, if you want, I'll get you some extremely stylish ones like mine.

Tyler: Never! I may have poor eyesight, but I can still see the best! I see what I want, and I won't stop till I get it! And I refuse to let some dorky glasses get it my way! (Harold shrugs, and then continues playing Nintendo DS. Suddenly, Ezekiel slides up in between him and Trent, looking very ashamed.)

Ezekiel: Well, I'm showing my face. Are you happy now?

Harold: Here. (He hands Ezekiel a large, thick, leather scrapbook.) Take a look at that. This is my prize possession. I'm sure it'll cheer you up. (Ezekiel opens it, and gasps.)

Ezekiel: Whoa. Look at all these pictures, eh! What the? (He quickly covers his eyes.) My virgin eyes cannot take this! (Trent's eyes go wide.)

Trent: Give me that! (He rips the book away, and looks through it. Covering each page are pictures of all the girls of Total Drama fighting. One is a black and white photo of Leshawna slapping Courtney, another of Bridgette and Heather exchanging wicked blows to each other. As Trent turns the page, he sees a full centerfold of Katie and Izzy practically tearing each other apart on some raft in the middle of the ocean.)

Harold (noticing Trent's shocked facial expression, his eyes gleaming mischievously): They may have destroyed my camera, but this truly is my greatest work. Catfights sorted A-Z. You want it, you got it. This is the treasury of mistress melee. (He winks at Trent.) Here's one you might enjoy. (He flips to a different page. There, in full high definition, is a graphic, crystal clear wrestling scene between Gwen and Courtney. Both girls have their clothing considerably torn, and Gwen's skirt is slipping down almost to her knees, revealing purple underwear beneath. Trent stares at the picture for a long time. Then a small smile starts to play at his lips. He looks up at Harold.)

Trent: Do you mind if I borrow this?

Harold: Yeah, you keep it as long as you like. But remember, it is sacred. And don't let any of the girls see. I'll be dead meat if any of them find out. (Trent's eyes flash ever so slightly at this, and then suddenly, the book tucked under his arm, he gets up, and leaves the Mess Hall.)

Tyler: Is somebody leaving? I hear somebody leaving. Is somebody leaving? (He feels around in the air blindly.)

Lindsay: Um, Taylor, maybe you should get glasses. I once knew an eye doctor who was totally nice! Though he never seemed that interested in my eyes. Unless I have eyes on my chest. Hm. But that's beside the point! Maybe if you get glasses, you'll be even better at sports!

Tyler: I don't need glasses, Lindsay. Trust me. And just to seal the deal, I'm gonna give you such an amazing kiss, you won't ever question this again. (With a cry of passion, he grabs Ezekiel, who he thinks is Lindsay, and pulls him into a full-on embrace, his lips meeting the homeschool's. His eyes burst open. Both of them reel backwards, screaming. Sweating nervously, they both apologize to each other, and quickly sprint away. Izzy sees all of this, and runs after them.)

Izzy: Wait, you guys! Don't split up! Izzy the Matchmaker will save this relationship! (Noah, meanwhile, is fist-bumping.)

Noah: And the torch of mistaken homosexuality is passed on. FINALLY! (He and Cody high-five.)

**Confession Cam**

**Tyler (grabbing the sides of his face and pulling downwards): So… traumatizing… I think I might need glasses after all… (He barfs into the toilet.) **

**Ezekiel: Hey, not a bad kisser, that Tyler. I understand why Lindsay loves it. (His eyes widen.) But still, I'm straight, eh! (He holds up a picture of Bridgette, stuffs it in his mouth, and swallows.) See? I loooove women. **

**Lindsay: That was soooo cute what Taylor did. Wait… what'd he do again? **

**Izzy: Izzy's been waiting for this day for far too long! The day Tyler and Ezekiel put their differences aside and finally let their emotions show! The only thing I'm worried about is… don't they have the same voice actor? Peter Oldring, you weirdo. **

**Cody: YES! FINALLY! (A tear slowly rolls down his cheek.) I feel like a burden has been lifted from my back and placed on Tyler and Ezekiel. But the burden, I'm afraid, is ten times heavier. Dude, they kissed on the lips! I think there was even some tongue action! Um, not like I would know, or anything. Heh heh. But still, it's good to be free. In fact, I bet I can even now make eye contact with Noah without Izzy immediately starting to hum the tune to "Bad Romance"! **

**Courtney: Tyler and Ezekiel? God, don't make me shoot myself. Seriously, if that becomes canon, we'll know the writers have given up. I mean Gwuncan was bad enough. But this? I seriously feel physically sick. Yeah, I know it has nothing to do with me. No, I didn't see the kiss. But I still have the right to rant, don't I… I don't? F*** you. **

**Trent: Unlike all the confessionals above me, I'm not gonna talk about the gay fest that took place after I left. I'm only gonna say this. (He holds up the leather cat-fight scrapbook.) You shouldn't have given this to me, Harold. I'll have you know that while I was excessively salting my food, I was listening very attentively to what the immunes were talking about at the other table. Your obituary's written, Harold, and signed by two. The other two will be a surprise to all of you. I can't believe I'm saying this… but I'm going to have to find a compromise with Gwen. **

**End of Confessionals**

(Gwen is walking out of the Mess Hall, diary in hand, when suddenly, Trent jumps out of the dumpster and lands next to her. She is about to scream, but Trent puts a finger to her lips.)

Trent: Don't worry. I'm not here to strangle you or anything.

Gwen: Oh really? Why should I believe that?

Trent: Because, if I were going to strangle you, I'd pick a place that were a lot more secluded, like a valley, or maybe a mountain top. (Noticing her disturbed facial expression, he chuckles nervously.) But… but I wouldn't! After all, I don't dislike you to _that_ extent. But right now, I'm here to do a service to all the females of Wawanakwa. I'm exposing a man for what he truly is. (He takes out Harold's catfight book, and opens it for her to see. The goth girl gasps when she sees what's inside.)

Gwen: Who… who took all of these?

Trent: Harold. He's been taking pictures of intimate girl-on-girl action, and turning them into creepy Martha Stewart-esque scrapbooks! But here's one that even shocked me. (He turns to page that shows the Gwen and Courtney wrestling scene. Gwen sees how far her skirt has gone down, and angrily rips the picture out of the book.)

Gwen: I can't believe he took a picture of that! And from that angle, too! (She suddenly looks at Trent, suspicious.) Wait a minute… how do I know it wasn't just you who took all these pictures?

Trent: Why would I do that?

Gwen: Why _wouldn't _you?

Trent: You make a good point. All I ask is for you to trust me on this one. I can't stand to watch another minute of this horror. And who knows? Maybe the next picture he takes won't cover up as much. (Gwen stares at him for a second, and then snatches the book away from his hands.)

Gwen: I'm taking this to show Bridgette. (She walks off, the book clutched tightly to her chest. Trent smirks, and dives back into the dumpster.)

**Confession Cam**

**Gwen (leafing through the scrapbook): Oh my god! What is Izzy DOING in that picture? (She looks up.) Harold, you are depraved.**

**Trent (smirking): Hook, line, and sinker. **

**Harold: I feel that I can really trust Trent. I feel he shares my passion for colleen combat almost as much as myself. I am the sensei. He is the gakusei. I will teach him everything I know. Catfights are a mystical dragon, waiting to be tamed by another man. I feel that Trent is this man. He is the chosen one. Should he choose to accept the title, a great burden will be placed on his back. But I believe he will be able to take it. And cat fights will prosper! I just hope he didn't show anyone the book. Heh heh. But of course he didn't! Why would he do that? **

**End of Confessionals**

**(Late Night)**

**Campfire Ceremony**

Chris: Welcome, Final 15. This is the first campfire ceremony where we've had both teams present. After this, we'll split off back into our two teams again. Now, I don't know about you guys, but I feel the tension just _sizzling_ in the air. (He slowly inhales.) Mmm… delicious. Normally, I would have the immunes and non-immunes sitting apart to prevent attempted assassinations, but I feel like we'll come together more if we all sit together. Now, let us begin. Today was filled with action, romance, drama, rapping, and plenty of inappropriate humor. In the end, ten remained victorious, but five were not. Lindsay, how do you feel about being one of these five?

Lindsay: You know, Kyle, I may be at the bottom right now, but I feel like the outcome is still inevitable.

Chris: Oh yeah? And what's the "outcome"?

Lindsay: I don't know. I just thought that sounded smart.

Chris: Well it did, until you said that. Now, let's ask one of the immunes a question. Oh, I know! DJ. I've noticed that your relationship with Katie has really risen to prominence over the past few episodes.

DJ: Katie's a great girl. I think we really know each other. (Geoff bites his lip at this, about to yell something, but holds back.)

Chris: Wow, Geoff, it looks like you're taking a painful dump over their on your seat. What's up with that?

Geoff: Nothing… it's nothing. (He calms himself down.)

Chris: Well, I have a question for you, Geoff. Your cereal metaphors are a favorite among fans lately. But you've got a rival: Alejandro. His burrito metaphors are slowly moving past yours in the waterfall of food-related figurative speech. Care to comment—

Geoff: LIFE IS BUT A BOX OF RICE KRISPIES! WE ALL WAIT PATIENTLY, HOPING FOR THAT ONE DAY THAT THE MILK IS POURED ONTO OUR SOULS, SETTING OFF OUR CHORUS OF POPPING CEREAL ECHOES! HOWEVER, IF WE WAIT TOO LONG FOR THE MILK, IT SPOILS. AND IF WE STAY IN THE MILK TOO LONG, OUR HEARTS BECOME SOGGY! IT IS A GAME OF DECISIONS, REALLY. YOU MUST FIND YOUR PERFECT MIX. JUST LIKE KIX, THE KID-TESTED, MOTHER-APPROVED CEREAL. IT IS THE PERFECT MIX OF BOTH SUGAR AND WHOLE GRAINS. IN OUR LIVES, WE MUST APPLY THE KIX METHOD TO EVERYTHING WE DO. WE MUST READILY CHASE THE LUCKY CHARMS, AND GO AFTER THE TRIX, EVEN IF WE ARE JUST RABBITS! WE ARE THE BRAND NAMES, NOT JUST THE DUMB SAFEWAY RIP-OFFS! AND WE WILL REMAIN THAT WAY! Thank you. (There is a long silence. Then everyone starts applauding wildly. Geoff leans back, smiling coolly.)

Chris: Well, looks like Geoff just took a mighty jab at Alejandro. We'll see how he reacts later. But now, as I was watching this, I noticed that Ezekiel and Tyler were sitting as far away from each other as possible. In fact, they were both _leaning _away from each other. Something going on between you two?

Tyler (sweating nervously): Nope. Nothing. It's just—

Izzy: Tyler made out with Ezekiel! (Tyler puts his head in his hands. Chris leans in, excited.)

Chris: Ooo! Finally, some juicy gossip! Is this true, Ezekiel?

Ezekiel: Um… it was an accident, eh! (Chris claps his hands in delight.)

Chris: Now we're getting somewhere! C'mon, you two, let's talk this out. (However, Ezekiel and Tyler have moved so far away from each other now that they're both hiding in their own bushes, peeking nervously at each other.)

Izzy: I'll get them. (She stretches both her arms out so wide that they both reach the bushes, and pulls Tyler and Ezekiel out. She then slowly brings them together, and plops them down onto the same seat. Tyler and Ezekiel mumble nervous greetings to each other, and then both run and dive off opposite ends of the dock, swimming away in fear.)

Chris: True love. They always try to deny it. Anyways, Cody, I'm sure you're happy. Maybe now the homo rumors will finally switch from you and Noah to Tyler and Ezekiel.

Cody (leaning back in his seat, a cool grin plastered across his face): Chris, my man, I feel like the king of the world right now. I'm the top dog. I feel like a million bucks! (He continues to cockily lean back in his seat, but leans so far that he falls backwards off his stump. He quickly sits back up, his face flushed red in embarrassment.)

Courtney: Chris, can I make an announcement?

Chris: No.

Courtney: But I really have to—

Chris: You cannot! This is my show, girl! You stole the spotlight last time! (Courtney sighs and shrugs at Trent, but the guitarist winks back at her and gives her the thumbs-up.)

Chris: Trent, shouldn't you be nervous? I heard your name being thrown around a lot this evening.

Trent: I'm not going home, Chris. I can assure you. And even if I do, I always have this to use. (He proudly holds up something from his pocket. However, when he looks at his hand, he sees that he isn't holding anything.) What the? (He pats around all over his body, panicking.) Where'd it go?

Izzy (inspecting the label of a video tape): Hmm… "The Noah Video".

Trent: Hey! Give me that! (He swipes at it, but Izzy holds it just out of his reach.)

Izzy: Why would you be keeping a video of Noah in your pants?

Trent: It's nothing! Stop! Give it back!

Izzy: *gasp* Oh my god! Have you been filming Noah while he's been sleeping? You sick bastard!

Trent: That's not what it's of!

Noah: Izzy, quick! Destroy that video! (But Trent has snatched the video tape away again, and stored it in his pocket.)

Trent: That's something none of you need to see right now.

Izzy: Do you watch it at night? Does it give you some sort of sick pleasure?

Trent (shaking his head): I'm telling you, Chris, she's f**king delusional. That's all she is. F**king delusional.

Izzy: I'm the delusional one? You think you can just get Noah like that? Well, I'll have you know that he's in a long-distance relationship with Justin right now, and isn't interested.

Noah: Justin? JUSTIN? Now I'm with Justin? (He clenches his fists and turns to Izzy.) What's your deal? Why do you have such an obsession with all these creepy gay couples? Is it because you've been reading to much yaoi on Fanfiction? Nobody else thinks I'm gay. You're the only one! How hard is it to get it through your thick skull that I'M NOT GAY? Just for once, that's all I ask you! But then again, you'll never understand. Because you're just like what Trent said! F**king delusional! And I'm sick of it! So really, don't talk to me again! (He crosses his arms, and slouches in his chair. Izzy stares at him, dumbfounded. She remains silent, not saying anything.)

Chris: Hm. It seems smart aleck is into the late stages of his pre-menstrual cycle. Before we vote, I have a question for Bridgette now. This is strictly about the vote. Just tell me: who are you voting for and why?

Bridgette: I might as well say it. I'm voting for Harold. (Harold looks over at her, surprised.)

Harold: But… but why? What did I do?

Bridgette: Gwen showed me your catfight photo album. (Harold looks over at Trent.)

Harold: You… you showed them? How could you betray your sensei? I gave you the training! The courage! I gave you my prize possession! Do you realize how long it took me to collect those photos! That's a lifetime of work!

Chris: WHAT? A catfight photo album? Let me see! Let me see!

Trent: I'm sorry, Chris, but frankly, I don't think people should be exposed to this. And frankly, the kind of people who enjoy this, really shouldn't be given access to it.

Gwen: Yeah yeah, you're so gallant, yada yada yada…

Chris: No matter what happens now, this is sure to be an interesting vote. Okay, Beth, you're up first!

**Confession Cam**

**Beth: My vote goes to Ezekiel. I know you and Big Bertha get along, and all… but did you really need to sleep with her? **

**Courtney: Trent seems confident now. So I'll continue with my plan of voting for Lindsay. **

**Noah: Trent, buddy, you insult me, you blackmail me, and you live in a guitar case. You're gone. **

**Bridgette (holding a picture of her in her underwear tackling Heather): Nice picture. But it doesn't gain you points in my book, Harold. **

**Geoff: Okay, let's see… (He writes down "True" on his vote strip.) No wait, that can't be the right answer… **

**Tyler: How did I get in here? **

**Gwen: I thought a lot about this. _A lot_. Well, here goes nothing. **

**Cody: Gwen told me to vote for you. I don't know why, buddy. I seriously don't. But I guess I have to. **

**DJ: Bridgette told me I should vote for you, Harold. And I guess I will. Don't worry. We can all be redeemed in Momma's eyes. And it's not like you're going home, anyway.**

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: The votes have been cast. Remember, the person voted out will not be leaving Total Drama Island. They'll be trekking deep into the woods, where Redemption Cabin and a past competitor await.

Katie: Seriously? You still don't know who they are?

Chris: Hey, we don't even know if they're still alive. So if you arrive at the cabin and find a skeleton, consider it your first bye. Now, for our treat, we thought we'd try mixing all three of the awards together. But a "Marshmallow Barf Chris" didn't turn out too well. So for tonight, I'll just read the votes. First, I need my ten immunes to come stand up here. (The immunes get up, leaving Tyler, Ezekiel, Lindsay, Harold, and Trent sitting behind.)

Chris: Well well well… look who we have here… Tyler, today you proved that even the simplest of challenges can be failed at. You remained vigilant and competitive throughout, but you were still a complete loser. Plus, you kissed a dude.

Tyler: I was blind! Seriously, I—

Chris: Ezekiel. You started out as a rabid monster, and ruined the Slap dance challenge. Then you were a rapper wannabe, and pretty much offended everyone at camp. And then you were a sexist pig. Not to mention, you also kissed a guy. (Ezekiel hangs his head in shame.) Lindsay. You're beautiful, but you seem to have trouble strategizing, or really thinking at all. That's what brought you here. Harold, you fought well, but your obsession with Nintendo and catfights is unhealthy and certainly not beneficial. (Harold doesn't even look up from his Nintendo.) And Trent. Well, not much to say about you, other than you seriously need to salt your food a little less.

Trent: Whatever. Just read the votes.

Chris: Don't tell me what to do! Okay, I'm going to read the votes. (Trent rolls his eyes. Meanwhile, Chris reaches into the box, and pulls out the first slip of paper.)

Chris: First vote… fifty gallons of ranch dressing? Oops. Sorry. My grocery shopping list must've fallen in on accident.

Geoff: Wait, dude… why would you need fifty gallons of ranch dressing?

Chris: Um… long story. No time. Moving on! Okay, the first _real _vote… goes to Trent. That's one vote Trent. (He reaches in again.) Next vote… Harold.

Harold: One vote does not mean—

Chris: Next vote… Harold. (Harold looks up from his Nintendo now, concentrating on what's going on.) Okay, so that's two votes Harold, one vote Trent. Next vote goes to Lindsay, with a "HAHAHAHAHA" written in. (He looks over at Courtney.) Was that really necessary?

Courtney: Just trying to get the point across.

Chris: Okay, so that's 2 votes Harold, 1 vote Trent, 1 vote Lindsay, 6 votes left. A vote for Ezekiel! That's 2 votes Harold, 1 vote Trent, 1 vote Lindsay, 1 vote Ezekiel, 5 votes left. A vote for Lindsay! That's 2 votes Harold, 2 votes Lindsay, 1 vote Trent, 1 vote Ezekiel, 4 votes left.

Noah: Do you really need to repeat the voting count every time you read one?

Chris: Hey, the morons need a little help here, okay?

Tyler: Wait. How many votes does Trent have?

Chris: One, Tyler.

Tyler: And how many does Gwen have?

Chris: None, Tyler. She's immune.

Tyler: Then how many votes do _you _have?

Chris: I have no votes, Tyler. I'm the host. (Tyler's eyes widen.)

Tyler: Whoa. That's… that's crazy, man. I feel so… enlightened. (Chris turns back to Noah.)

Chris: Exhibit A. Now, let's continue. For all of you who need a refresher, that's 2 votes Harold, 2 votes Lindsay, 1 vote Trent, 1 vote Ezekiel, 4 votes left.

Tyler: Wait… how many votes are left?

Katie: He just said that, dumbass!

Tyler: Well, excuse me! I like supporting my conclusions with data!

Chris: Okay, enough of the stupidity. The next vote is for Trent. That's 2 votes Harold, 2 votes Lindsay, 2 votes Trent, 1 vote Ezekiel, 3 votes left.

Tyler: Wait… who's "Left"?

Chris: It's not a person, Tyler! I'm just saying how many votes… (He holds up a slip of paper and beckons to it.) Are in this _**box**_. (He beckons largely to the box.) Do you get it?

Tyler: I… I think so…

Chris: Good. Now, let's see… (He reads the next vote.) This vote is for Trent. (Trent's cocky smile starts to slip away.) That's 3 votes Trent, 2 votes Harold, 2 votes Lindsay, 1 vote Ezekiel, 2 votes left. (Trent looks over at Gwen, trying to read her facial expression, but she remains blank.)

Chris: A vote for Harold! That's 3 votes Trent, 3 votes Harold, 2 votes Lindsay, 1 vote Ezekiel, 1 vote left. As of now, Tyler and Ezekiel, you are both automatically safe. (Tyler and Ezekiel yell for joy and hug each other in excitement. Quickly, they realize who they are hugging, and back away from each other, apologizing profusely.)

Chris: Lindsay, I'll tell you right now that this vote is either for Trent or Harold, so you're safe too.

Lindsay: I don't get it.

Chris: Just don't, okay? Just stand over there. (He beckons to where the safe people stand. Then he looks over at Trent and Harold, who are both sweating nervously.) Well, let's get down to it.

Katie (whispering to DJ): You better have voted for Trent. (DJ shudders nervously.)

Chris: Here we go… (He dramatically reaches into the box, and pulls out a slip of paper. He reads it, and looks up.) The final vote goes to…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

Harold. And in case Tyler was wondering, that's 4 votes Harold, 3 votes Trent, 2 votes Lindsay, 1 vote Ezekiel, and 0 votes left.

Tyler: Wow, Left did really good tonight! I'm proud of him! (Trent, meanwhile, swaggers over to Courtney, and they embrace. Then he winks at Gwen.)

Trent: You'll be rewarded, my friend. (Gwen just flips him off.)

Gwen: I still hate you, you know. But tonight, it felt right. (Harold, meanwhile, has stood up, and is facing the other fourteen campers.)

Harold: Goodbyes are like sakura blossoms… they stay for far too short a time. But I want to go out in the samurai way. And, as tradition, the samurai must give one possession of his to each of his comrades. (He walks over to Cody first.)

Harold: To Cody! I give you my camera. Use it! Use it to take pictures! But not of catfights! Take beautiful pictures. The camera never deserved the abuse it took. I want you to give it something good to remember. Not pain and anguish.

Cody: You got it, man. (He takes a picture of Lindsay's cleavage.)

Harold: To Gwen! You may keep the scrapbook. Take good care of it. It is a record of my past life.

Gwen: You know I'm going to burn it, right?

Harold: Oh. That's unfortunate. To Geoff! I give you this. (He presses his fingers up to Geoff's cheeks, creeping out the party boy considerably.)

Geoff: Dude? What are you doing?

Harold: I'm giving you my touch. The touch of party. I have transferred my party soul into you. A samurai must let go of meaningless things like that.

Geoff: No! I can't let you!

Harold: It must be done. (He moves along the line to Ezekiel, who is sobbing.) Ezekiel… such a good young student… you get my best wad of chewed-up gum. (He gives the homeschool a glass container. Preserved inside of it is a large pink blob.) Chew it only in the most desperate of times. It will give you great foresight. That, I can promise.

Ezekiel (sobbing): WAAAHHH! YES, SENSEI! (Harold puts his hands to Ezekiel's mouth.)

Harold: Do not cry. This is a time of celebration. It is important to remember that. To Izzy! I give you one of my most sacred items. A jar filled with my saliva.

Katie: Who the hell would want that?

Izzy: I do! (She grabs it excitedly.)

Harold (a tear running down his face): I knew you would. To DJ! I give to you my pet maggot, Sasuke. (He suddenly tosses a maggot straight at DJ's face. The brickhouse swipes at in fear and it splatters all over the ground. DJ then drops down, crying in anguish.)

Harold: Darn. Not a good ending for Sasuke. Next, to Lindsay: You get this. (He presses both his hands to her boobs.)

Lindsay: What is this?

Harold: I am transferring courage from my body to yours. It requires me to softly knead your chest, if you don't mind—

Courtney: Stop being a pervert!

Harold: Very well. I guess that is how I will have to remember you, Lindsay. Now, on to Beth: you get my shirt.

Beth: Why would you give me that?

Harold: Samurais never wear clothes! And I'm sure you will enjoy it. (He tosses it to her and she jumps out of the way in fear.) Next, to Noah: you get my pants. (He takes off his pants, and tosses them to Noah. They land on the bookworm's head.)

Noah (sarcastically): Hoorah. (Bridgette sees she is next in line, and screams.)

Bridgette: Oh god, no—

Harold: Bridgette! You get the underwear of a samurai.

Chris: Hey, dude! This is a kids show! Enough with the striptease! (But Harold has already taken off his underwear, and looks around for Bridgette. However, she's long one, running back to the cabin.)

Harold: Hm. Oh well. It appears Bridgette has sunk into the ground. I will leave my underwear here, in honor of her. (He walks up to Tyler, now fully naked.) Tyler… you get the greatest gift of all… my vision. (He takes off his glasses, and hands them to the jock.)

Tyler: Really? You'd… you'd give these to me?

Harold: Try them on… (Tyler puts them on, and screams in delight.)

Tyler: Everything's so clear now! (He puts out his hands in front of him.) We have _five _fingers? Amazing!

Harold: I knew you would like it. Courtney… (He walks up to Courtney, who backs away from him.) Don't be afraid… I just want to give you this… a very, VERY sacred item. Will you take good care of my Nintendo DS? (Everyone gasps.)

Gwen: Wait a minute. If you loved your Nintendo DS, why would you give it to _Courtney_?

Harold: I feel there's something about her I can trust. I know Georgina will be in good hands now. (He gives the Nintendo DS to Courtney. The moment he moves on, she tosses it into the water carelessly.)

Harold: Now, for Trent. (He stands in front of the guitarist, naked, his eyes scanning his face. Then, all of a sudden, he punches Trent in the face so hard that the musician smashes into the ground, unconscious.)

Harold (wiping his hands off): You were never a good student. (Courtney quickly runs to Trent's aid. Finally, the last person in line is Katie.) Katie… I leave you with nothing but a parting kiss… (He slowly kisses her on the cheek. Katie stares at him in horror, and falls unconscious similar to the manner of Trent. Harold, now naked and without his glasses, waves to them all.)

Harold: Goodbye! It is time for my redemption! I will see you all on the other side! (He turns bravely, and immediately smashes into a tree.)

Tyler: You sure you don't want your glasses, dude?

Harold: No… I am good… (He continues to walk towards the path to Redemption Cabin, smashing into tree after tree. Finally, he disappears into the woods.)

Chris: That was certainly a long goodbye. Now, based on how the voting went tonight, I have a feeling there are quite a few conflicts waiting to form. I'll see you tomorrow for the Redemption Cabin duel. Good night. Oh, and Tyler and Ezekiel? If you need a private room, I'm always happy to supply. (Tyler and Ezekiel scowl at him.)

**Outside the Screaming Ivy Cabin **

(Noah leans against the cabin, brushing his teeth with an electric toothbrush. Izzy slowly walks over, her head hanging. However, when she sees the electric toothbrush in his mouth, she screams.)

Izzy: OH MY GOSH, NOAH, IS THAT A DILDO IN YOUR MOUTH?

Noah: No! Quiet down! It's just an electric toothbrush.

Izzy: Oh. Well, anyways, I just came to say… I'm sorry. (Noah raises his eyebrows.)

Noah: That's more of what I was going to say to you. I shouldn't have lashed out at you in front of everybody tonight. That was uncalled for.

Izzy: I don't know, I just really thought you were gay.

Noah: Why do you think that?

Izzy: I never saw you flirt once with a girl. But it seemed like you were always flirting with guys. I thought that was awesome.

Noah: When? When did I ever flirt with a guy?

Izzy: "Cody's Got a Tiny Sausage" ring a bell? (Noah hangs his head.)

Noah: Seriously, Izzy, I'm straight. Trust me.

Izzy (playfully): Really? How are you going to prove that to me? (Noah thinks for a second, then he looks straight into Izzy's eyes.)

Izzy: Why are you looking at me like—(She is cut off as Noah's lips meet hers. Her eyes widen in surprise, and continue to widen as he slips his tongue into her mouth. Izzy just stays there, not reacting at all as Noah continues to kiss her. She doesn't try to bite his tongue off. She doesn't stuff a stick of dynamite down his pants. She doesn't knee him in the groin like she loves to do. For the first time in her life, Izzy just lets it happen.)

**Screaming Ivy Cabin **

(Trent is rifling through his stuff, when suddenly, he comes across his guitar. He looks around, and then grabs it.)

**Confession Cam **

**Trent: It's been a while since I last tried playing guitar. But I'm going to give it another go. (He takes a deep breath, and whips out his guitar. Slowly he brings his hand up, and brings it down even slower towards the guitar in a strumming motion.)**

**End of Confessionals**

Beth: Um, why did the outhouse just explode? (Chris, who is standing nearby, chuckles, and starts the sign-off.)

**A explosion not caused by Izzy? Must be Trent trying to see if he still has musical talent. **

**Speaking of Izzy, is Nizzy finally canon? If it is, Noah's lost his mind. **

**What will happen at the first duel? **

**Who will Harold be facing off against? **

**Will DJ take the hate for not voting the way Katie told him to? **

**And will I ever get a reply to my online dating profile? **

**All this and more answered on the next ridiculously dramatic episode of**

**Total Drama Returns! **

**Eliminated: Heather, Duncan, Eva, Leshawna, Justin, Sadie, Owen, Sierra**

**In Redemption Cabin: Alejandro, Harold**

**Still in the Game: Noah, Katie, Cody, Trent, Lindsay, Beth, Tyler, Izzy, Gwen, Courtney, Geoff, Bridgette, DJ, Ezekiel**

**Author's Note: **Well, there goes Harold. But hey, Harold fans, you still get to see what he does at the Redemption Cabin duel. Also, I hope that you guys are happy Nizzy is finally here. Plus, Trent blew himself up again. Pretty good ending, if I say so myself. Also, I know that this was another very Trent-heavy chapter, but he's not going to be as prominent for a while, because I think he needs a few cool-down episodes. Anyways, hope you didn't hate how long this took!

**Votes:**

Bridgette—**Harold**

Beth—Ezekiel

Courtney—Lindsay

Cody—**Harold**

Gwen—**Harold**

Noah—Trent

DJ—**Harold**

Katie—Trent

Geoff—Trent

Izzy—Lindsay

**Harold: 4**

Trent: 3

Lindsay: 2

Ezekiel: 1

**NEXT TIME: **The first Redemption Cabin duel is a dramatic shocker. Surprisingly, one of the spectators plans to use the knowledge they gain from the duel against a teammate, while a surprising alliance forms that no one saw coming.


	34. Day 11 Part 1:The Coconut Bra Redemption

**Total Drama Returns**

The Cheesebub's Message: Well, a quicker update. See? Only a little more than two weeks! At this rate, maybe I'll even get to one week! I know, horrible compared such stories as Total Drama Return, another great story with a similar name to mine, that updates like, every hour. But I hope you guys aren't losing faith in the completion of this fic. This chapter I found pretty easy to write. It contains the Redemption Cabin duel, so you can look forward to that. One more week on the poll. Review responding:

**Obsessive Duncan Fanboy—**Glad you liked the chapter. I'm surprised people actually thought the kiss was funny; I thought people it would creep them out. A reformation of Trent is very possible, but for now, well, he's still the bastard you can expect him to be. Don't worry, Sexist Zeke could very well be making one or two more appearances. Glad you're excited for the duel! Thanks for the review!

**Flutejrp—**Heh, I knew you'd like the Nizzy moment. The Trentney thing I'm finding hard to advance currently, but it will, don't worry. Thank you for the review!

**Cottontop—**Sorry I have to keep giving you nightmares through this story. I try to keep it out of your dreams. Actually, the reason Trent's guitar exploded was that he was so bad at playing it just blew up. Nothing will cure Chris, I'm afraid; and I'm warning you, you're going to be saying the same thing about Chef after this chapter. Big fan of femslash, are we? I don't consider it that perverted. Yes, Bridgette is a favorite of mine. HOWEVER, that does not influence how she's going to rank this season. Seems there's quite the divide on who likes the cereal metaphors and who likes the burrito metaphors. Harold probably shouldn't have given his stuff away, I agree; it's going to give him a huge disadvantage in the duel. But hey, Alejandro is about to be traumatized by him in a moment, so it's about even. Are Nintendo 3D's good? Never really looked at one. Glad you like Nizzy; nobody seems to really hate it out of my readers. Thanks for the review!

**crockolot—**The best compliment is when people find my writing funny; in fact, much better than people saying they find it dramatic, so thank you. I'm afraid no Ezekiel-Tyler one-shots have appeared yet, but I'm anxiously waiting for one to pop up and become a major success. Then I can take responsibility for it. That's thing; Trent can sometimes be a complete idiot, sometimes an okay strategist. It all depends on his mood, I guess. So you root for burrito metaphors? This is almost as big as the Gwuncan-Duncney battle! Thanks for reviewing!

**TotalDramaWreck—**Trent is still an antagonist, I guess, but has taken a slightly more comedic side. But trust me, things are about to get very serious for him. Thanks very much! I like to know I'm improving. Alejandro might win, he might lose. You'll just have to read on to see! Thank you for the review!

**ThomasJ8532—**Thanks! We'll see how far Trent goes, won't we? Oh, and now you're also better at grammar than me. Congratulations. Anyways, thank you for reviewing!

***blank*- **Katie won't be going home yet, mostly because she's a big part of the drama. This is called "Total Drama" after all. Yes! Everbody like the Ezekiel and Tyler kiss! I succeed! I like those rappers too. But what about Nicki Minaj? Ha, just kidding. She's really weird. So, that's your final five guess. Interesting. Thanks for your reviews!

**ChibiRox—**Well, I hope you had very happy Fanfiction Christmas. And no, I didn't forget about you guys. See? I'm updating! Anyways, Thanks for the review!

**Jacky Dupree—**I know you like Alejandro and hate Harold, so this must be a very important and dramatic chapter to you. I agree with you about Chris; he really is perverted and quite the loser in life. I'm afraid you'll either like Chef more or hate him after this chapter. I'm proud of Noah as well. Even though I kind of wrote it. I don't know how I can be proud of one of the characters I wrote for. Katie is a pretty good antagonist, isn't she? Cody actually does move on in this chapter, at least temporarily; but trust me, not for the better. Sorry Trent's such a bad antagonist right now, these past few episodes have been more about showing how Katie is still the dominant antagonist, although that could change ;). Lindsay and Tyler is the only canon couple I know for fact will stay together, I mean, c'mon, they're perfect together! Yeah, I actually didn't completely mean that Ezekiel and Big Bertha were having SEXUAL relationships. Why did everyone interpret it that way? Oh yeah, cause it's this fic. Tyler's lame, yep, nothing else to say there. Let's hope Izzy isn't getting less crazy. She'll be harder to write for that way. Gwen has a great chance of winning, I agree. Yep, everyone sees Trent as Courtney's sex slave now; guess that's not going to change. Frosted Flakes are very awesome. My favorite cereal. Bridgette, like Gwen, also seems to have a good chance of winning. DJ will grow up someday… hopefully. And Ezekiel needs a psychiatrist, definitely. And a sleep therapist, for that matter, after this chapter. Thanks for the long review, and here's a longer review response in return!

**monkeylove123—**Glad you like the Harold gift-giving. What? You don't like Nizzy? Hopefully it's not too annoying to you. I will try to keep up the good work . Thanks for the review!

Chris Mclean: Last time, on Total Drama Returns... It was nostalgia day at Wawanakwa, where the campers enjoyed some looks back at the wonders of the previous season. It was individual immunity for today, and a fight it was. First, Gwen won it by outslapping her opponents in the Total Drama World Tour challenge. Then, Noah, Beth, and Geoff braved through natural disasters to gain their own immunity. Finally in the epic conclusion, we went back to the epic dive challenge, with a twist: the immune campers could choose to save the non-immunes, if they were willing to jump. Noah saved Izzy, Cody saved Bridgette and DJ, and Geoff saved Katie, leaving Harold, Lindsay, Trent, Ezekiel and Tyler up for elimination. Trent seemed the right choice to go, but in the end, he saved his butt by exposing Harold for the true perverted photographer that he is. After a touching yet disgusting goodbye with the nerd, Noah finally gained the balls to kiss Izzy, and Trent blew himself up. Awesome, I know. Now, Harold is headed off to Redemption Cabin, where Alejandro awaits. How will he react when he sees that Harold is naked? Who stands a chance in the duel? And what other drama will be cooked up on today's crazy episode of... Total Drama Returns!

**(Theme Song Plays)**

**Day 11 Part 1—Chapter 34: The Coconut Bra Redemption**

**Redemption Cabin**

Alejandro: Uno… dos! Tres… cuatro! (He is doing sit-ups on the floor of the cabin, breathing heavily. He then gets up, stretches his legs around to the back of his head, and starts lifting himself up and down off the floor with only his arms. He then jumps over to the bed and lies down, breathing heavily.)

Alejandro (talking to himself): One minute of break, Burromuerto… and then back to exercises. After all, you cannot be humiliated in the duel. (He hears his stomach growling miserably, and he punches it.) Shut up! No eating, do you understand? Eating pollutes the mind. And your mind must be in tip-top shape for the duel.

**Confession Cam**

**Alejandro: Staying in Redemption Cabin… it really gives you time to tone and perfect your body. That is how I spent my days. I did not eat; after all, the Alejandro does not waste his time with such pointless things as nutrition. **

**(Static)**

**Alejandro: Yeah, I guess I was nervous about the duel… but who wouldn't be? Who knows what kind of horrors Chris could conjure? I'm pretty sure I saw him flossing his perfect teeth with a jugular vein. **

**(Static)**

**Alejandro: I've received information that there will be spectators to this… "duel". I hope Trent is one of them. I have a boot named Rigoberto that is anxiously waiting to meet his face. But hey, Trent is not a bad competitor. Besides me, he's definitely the person I want to win. No wait, that would be Noah. Then Trent. No wait, after Noah, probably Geoff. Then Bridgette probably. But _then _Trent. No wait, there's Gwen. She'd go above any of them. After Bridgette, probably Cody, perhaps? Certainly DJ after that. And then Tyler and Harold, I guess. Lindsay too. Beth around there. But _then _Trent. Actually Ezekiel above him. _Then _Trent. Or actually, Katie after Ezekiel. But Trent is certainly higher than Courtney. (He thinks for a second.) Nah, he's below Courtney, too. So, after myself, Gwen, Noah, Geoff, Bridgette, Cody, DJ, Tyler, Harold, Lindsay, Beth, Ezekiel, Katie, and Courtney, Trent is my favorite to win. Oh wait. That's everybody left in the competition. Yeah, I don't like Trent that much as it turns out. **

**(Static)**

**Alejandro: I wonder what my brother Roberto would think of me now… he would surely mock me. But screw that _puta de hombre_! Mama always loved him the best… she never gave him spankings… even though _I _had all the burrito metaphors! He didn't come up with a single one! Not one! When it came to burrito metaphors, I was the great, juicy, steak burrito bowl at Chipotle; while he was just a miniscule corn fajita tortilla that no one ate because two was really enough and they were on a diet! Hey, that's one right there. (He whips out a notebook and writes it down.) **

**(Static)**

**Alejandro: Many times, as I am doing my thigh squats, I think of Heather. (His eyes burst open.) No wait! I didn't mean it like that—**

**(Static)**

**Alejandro: You know, it's weird, having a confessional all to myself. Almost… creepy. But hey, Alejandro is all you want to see, right? ….Right? (He looks down at the floor and sighs.) **

**End of Confessionals**

Alejandro (talking to himself): You must work, Alejandro! You cannot lose! You refuse to be humiliated! (It is late night, and now he's doing thigh squats. Suddenly, a rock crashes through his window and slams right into his groin. He keels over, moaning.)

Alejandro: Ohh… my Mexican jumping beans… (He grows angry.) Who threw that? (He limps over to the window, and just catches a glimpse of a shadow moving back behind a tree.) Reveal yourself! (He waits for someone to come out from behind the tree, but nobody does. He grabs a crude spear he constructed, and slowly creeps out into the night.) I am warning you. I _will _use this! (He suddenly hears a raspy voice surrounding him from all sides of the circular clearing.)

Voice: Alejandro… such a lost soul… constantly having passionate make-out sessions with pineapples… always speaking like a Shakespeare novel gone horribly gay… all to hide your lack of purpose… this causes you to be very weak-minded… and now, I'm afraid… you've fallen right into my trap…

Alejandro: Chris! This isn't funny! (He looks behind the tree, but there's no one there. He quickly scans around the entire area surrounding the cabin, but can't find anyone.)

Alejandro: *sigh*… I think I'm already losing my mind. (He slowly creeps back into the cabin. He doesn't even notice the door closing behind him, and a shadow flashing up the side of the wall. The latino gets back down on the floor to do sit-ups. However, the moment he looks upwards towards the ceiling, he sees Harold clinging to it, completely naked.)

Alejandro: GAH! Wow, Harold, you scared me. (He chuckles, and sighs with relief.) Ah. I get it. You must be my new roommate. Well, let me be the first to welcome you to—(Suddenly, Harold lets out a battle cry, and whips out a katana blade. As the nude nerd drops down from the ceiling towards Alejandro, the lights go out.)

**(Even Later Night)**

**Screaming Ivy Cabin (Males)**

(Cody is sorting through his stuff, believing he is the only one in the cabin. He's listening to his I-pod, which is blasting Eminem. He comes across what he is looking for, being his Axe body spray. He pops off the cap, inhales it with delight, and pauses the song. Draping a towel over his shoulder, the ladies' man starts to head out the door to go take a shower, when suddenly, he hears a high-pitched giggle behind him. He whips around, and sees a wiggling lump under Noah's covers. Puzzled, he takes a step towards the bed.)

Cody: Um, Noah? Buddy, is that you? (There is another set of giggles, and Cody frowns even more.) What the heck are you doing under there? (Suddenly, he hears a female voice.)

Female Voice: Oh, Noah… whisper more of those sweet Shakespearean nothings into my ear…

Noah (in a seductive voice): ..._Love is not love  
Which alters when it alteration finds,  
Or Bends with the remover to remove.  
O, no! It is an ever-fixed mark,  
That looks on tempests and is never shaken.  
It is the star to every wandering bark,  
whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken._

Female Voice: Oh, Noah… give me more! GIVE ME MORE!

Noah (seductively): That's all you get for now… (Cody looks at the camera, his eyes widening.)

**Confession Cam (currently open-air due to Trent blowing it up)**

**Cody: Well, that was… traumatizing. Either Noah's schizophrenic, or I just heard him talking with a girl. In bed! I thought the dude wasn't attracted to any gender, unless it had pages and an index! But apparently not. And as happy as I am for the guy, I did the math. (He holds up a calculator.) I call this the "Calculator of Bachelorism". I'm finding some pretty disturbing results. If my calculations are correct, Ezekiel and I are the only ones in the competition now who don't have a girl! _Ezekiel_! I refuse to be categorized into _anything _with that guy! I have to get a girl today. But who? (He thinks for a second, and then he smirks.) Perfect. Time to set the Code-meister's new plan into action! Set sail for getting laid! (He lunges off screen.) **

**Noah: Yeah, I know, I grew some balls and finally kissed Izzy. What can I say? She brings out my "wild side". And my wild side is pretty out of control. Like reading manga from left to right. I know, crazy. **

**Izzy: Noah would be a fine mate. Much better than Owen, that is. Izzy will have to conduct more tests to see if this is the case! (She takes out a crowbar and flips it in the air.) **

**Noah: Also, turns out I'm a master of seduction. And it comes in the trisyllabic meter and contains a plethora of "yonders". Yep, I'm a pretty good—(Suddenly, a steel crowbar smashes down onto his head, flattening it and knocking him to the ground. Izzy looks down at his body.)**

**Izzy (grinning): Yes. He will be perfect. **

**Cody: In other news, there goes a classic Elizabethan novel I'll never be able to read again without throwing up. **

**End of Confessionals **

**Killer Redwoods Cabin (Females)**

Katie (crossing her arms on her bed): Can you believe it Bridgette? That idiot DJ! He didn't even do what I told him to tonight!

Bridgette: He's not a dog, you know. He was just following his heart. What's so wrong with that?

Katie: Following your heart gets you nowhere! And why did Harold have to go? What did he do to deserve this?

Ezekiel: He disrespected the women, eh. Women aint prizes to keep in a scrapbook. They're beings with some of the most amazing attributes possible! It's all about respect, really.

Bridgette: Why thank you, Ezeki—(Her eyes widen, and she swivels around to glare at him.)

Bridgette: How did you get in here? AGAIN?

Ezekiel: The window was open.

Katie: What kind of excuse is that?

Bridgette: Seriously, Ezekiel, why are you in here?

Ezekiel: *sigh*… I can't go in the guys' side. The whole room will be making kissing noises between me and Tyler!

Katie: So? Not our problem you can't tell the difference between genders.

Ezekiel: You don't understand, eh! (He grabs onto her ankles and starts sobbing into them.) PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME GO OOT THERE! WAAAHHHH!

Katie: Get off of me! (She lashes out with her foot, and sends Ezekiel flying face-first smack into the wall of the cabin. He slowly slides down it, and plops onto the wooden floor with a groan.)

Bridgette: Okay, Katie, that was seriously uncalled for. (She runs over to Ezekiel, and helps him up.)

Ezekiel: P-please… d-don't… (Bridgette turns to Katie.)

Bridgette: Can't he spend the night in here with us? (Katie bursts out laughing.)

Katie (through bursts of laughter): S-sorry… I thought you just suggested he spend the night with us. (She sees Bridgette's expression.) Wait. You're not joking, are you?

Bridgette: I know how he must feel. (She turns to Ezekiel.) Is Geoff giving you hard time about it?

Ezekiel: *sniffle*… Y-yes…

Bridgette: I knew it! How could he be such a jerk? I'm going to have to talk with him. Now, we have so many extra bunks. Why not give Ezekiel one of them for the night? What harm can it do?

Katie: I'm sorry, but keeping Ezekiel in any room probably breaks, like, every health code known to man.

Ezekiel: No way, eh! I'm squeaky clean! See? (He starts rubbing his thighs, which squeak.)

Katie: Don't do that.

Bridgette: How about if he stays on the opposite side of the room? As far away as possible. C'mon, it's just for the night. (Katie glares at her, but sighs, defeated.)

Katie: Fine. But if he wakes me up so much as once…

Bridgette: Won't happen.

Ezekiel: Heh heh. One thing about that… I'm known to talk in my sleep.

Bridgette: Not a problem.

Ezekiel: And… I kind of get playful, too.

Bridgette: Um… okay.

Ezekiel: And I usually like to sleep naked—

Bridgette: Don't even think about it.

**Confession Cam (now open air due to Trent exploding it.)**

**Katie: Okay, I don't why this thing's missing a ceiling, but I bet it has something to do with Ezekiel. All bad things in the world happen due to Ezekiel. Including the interruption of me trying to reel Bridgette into an alliance! And thanks to him, now I need to find someone new by tomorrow! After all, DJ has proven untrustworthy. So he must be replaced. But by who? Tyler? Geoff? Geoff! Ha! Why didn't I think of that? He's perfect! **

**Geoff (he's pouring Corn Flakes into the toilet, and turns to see the confession cam): What? The Mess Hall's run out of milk. **

**Bridgette: Ezekiel won't be that bad. Trust me. He'll be fine to have in our cabin.**

**End of Confessionals**

(Everyone's now settled into bed, and the lights are out. Katie is snuggling under her covers when suddenly she is disrupted by a loud snore from Ezekiel.)

Ezekiel (talking in his sleep): *snurgle*… I'll get you, moose! You gonna fall right into my trap, eh! (He suddenly flails about.) GET BACK! Stay back, I tell you! (He whips out a cane, and tosses it across the room. It smashes into the wall.) That's right! The hunted be hunter! The hunted be… the hunter the be hunter be hunted hunter hunted… (He plops back down onto his bed, and is silent, softly sleeping. Bridgette looks over at Katie from her bed.)

Bridgette: See? He's fine now. Perfectly peaceful. (Five seconds later, the homeschool suddenly jumps up, grabs onto the top bunk of his bunk bed, and starts swinging back and forth, still asleep.)

Ezekiel: To the maple syrup Jacuzzi! (He dives headfirst off the bunkbed, and smashes his face on the floor.) Oof… (Bridgette and Katie are both observing his from their beds, and turn to each other.)

Katie: No problem, huh?

**Killer Redwoods Cabin (Males)**

Geoff: Dude, what is going on over there? (He listens to the thumps going on from the female side of the cabin.) Sounds like a party to me! Could Katie actually be doing her homework? Nah. Probably just a catfight between her and Bridgette.

Tyler (still wearing Harold's glasses): Heh. They're probably fighting over Harold's underwear.

DJ: I don't know, man… I think Katie might be really pissed off at me.

Geoff: Don't sweat it, bra! (He places a calming hand on DJ's shoulder.) If Katie tries to pull anything on you, I'll be there to back you up. She really shouldn't treat you like that, you know. You need to stand up for yourself.

DJ: Yeah, man… I… I guess you're right…

Geoff: Good. Now, Tyler, where's your good friend Ezekiel at?

Tyler: Dude, will you cut it out? It was on accident! But don't worry. I'll never make that mistake again. Not with these babies! (He reaches into his pocket, but doesn't come across anything.) What the? (He feels all over his body.) Where'd my glasses go?

DJ: They're on your face, Tyler.

Tyler: Oh. Heh, I knew that.

Geoff: I'm serious, though, DJ. You can't let her do that to you. I've seen what some relationships can do to a man. They can hold him down. _Chain _him down, in fact. That can't happen to you.

DJ: Don't worry! Katie and I are fine! We'll make up, and everything will be back to normal. She'll forgive me. Don't worry. (Suddenly, they hear a yell from the other side of the wall.)

Katie: That's it! I've had enough of you!

Ezekiel: Whoa, girl, take a chill pill, I'm just tryin' ta, whoa! Wait! What are you gonna do with that mop—(Suddenly, there is a crack, and a loud thump. Then… silence.)

DJ: Um… let's pretend we didn't hear that.

**Screaming Ivy Cabin (Females)**

Beth: Interesting vote tonight, huh, Lindsay? Didn't see Harold going home.

Lindsay: Hm? Oh yeah. (She is texting someone.)

Beth: You know, you and I could go next. Maybe we should figure out a strategy.

Lindsay: Strategy? Like… why?

Beth: Because that's kind of part of the game, Lindsay.

Lindsay: What game? Cause if it's Scrabble, I'm not playing. That game is like, impossible. It has both numbers, _and_ letters! Too much for me! (She continues to text.)

Beth: Who are you even texting?

Lindsay: Tyler, of course!

Beth: Tyler doesn't even have a phone, Lindsay.

Lindsay: Oh. But then who else would say "I love the way you smile at me every morning?"

**Confession Cam**

**Chris (texting on his phone): Ah, the pleasures of being anonymous. **

**Beth: I need an ally other than Lindsay. But still, I have to work with what I have. What do I have exactly? I might never know. **

**Gwen: Ah, texting. The perfect sign of the fact that the person you're talking to wants to be talking to someone else. It seems like people at my school always start pretending to text someone when I'm trying to talk to them. Then I usually take their phone, and crush it under my boot. (She smirks.) **

**End of Confessionals**

(It is about 1 AM now, and all the campers are asleep. This is soon to change, however, as Chris walks over to a clearing in the center of the cabins with a megaphone at the ready. Grinning, he starts yelling into it.)

Chris: Attention, campers! It's time for you to witness two of your outcasts go head to head to stay in the game! I need the two teams to console with one another, and decide your two representatives to be witnessing this early morning duel. Then we'll get started! (There is a monumental groan from both cabins. Slowly, the campers start to shuffle out like zombies.)

Gwen (looking the most zombie-like): I'm going to snap that man like a twig someday. (Courtney, meanwhile, stomps over to Chris, enraged.)

Courtney: Why the hell is this happening now? Why couldn't you have waited a few more hours?

Chris: Why couldn't _you _have, uh… rewinded… uh… yeah, I don't really know where I'm going with this comeback. C'mon, this duel's gonna be exciting! (He smiles warmly at her. In response, she grabs his megaphone and stuffs it over his head. The host wobbles around for a few seconds, blind, before falling to the ground. Courtney wipes her hands off and walks over to her team, who are all leaning against the railing of the cabin, looking extremely groggy.)

Courtney: Since you all appear to be not in your tip-top shape, I volunteer myself to go witness the duel.

Noah: Heh heh, yeah… not gonna happen.

Courtney: What? Why not?

Noah: First of all, you'll probably lie to us about what happened. Second of all, you'll have information about how Redemption Cabin duels work. We can't have that, now can we?

Courtney: If that's the case, then neither you or _gothy _here can go either! You'll do the exact same thing! Where's Trent? He needs to help me with this!

Gwen (smirking): I'm afraid our friend Trenton had a little problem. He's in the infirmary.

Courtney: What? Again? What'd he do this time?

Beth: I think he tried to play guitar. He was bad at it that he blew himself up.

Gwen: Cody, do you think _I _should be one of the spectators, or Courtney? (She looks around.) Cody? Now where'd _he _go? (She looks over at the Killer Redwoods, and sees him standing near them.) Now what's he doing over with the other team? God, whatever. I don't want to know. (Meanwhile, the Killer Redwoods are debating who should attend.)

Tyler: I think I should go! After all, an athlete's gotta know what challenges await him.

Geoff (snorting with laughter): Maybe you and your husband can attend the duel.

Bridgette: Geoff! That's not okay! Don't you realize it was an accident?

Ezekiel: Yeah, man, I don't understand why you're giving us such a hard time about it. (Katie grabs the homeschool's face between her hands, and holds it up to hers.)

Katie (through gritted teeth): _I don't want to hear another word out of you. Because of your "playful sleeping", I now have several holes in my mattress, half of my bras torn apart, and my suitcase filled with eggnog. So if you know what's good for you, you'll take your sock that you seem to love to dream about, and shove it in your mouth! _(She lets go of his face, and he stumbles backwards.)

Cody (from behind her): I like a woman that puts a man in his place. I could be that man, you know. (Katie turns around, and raises an eyebrow.)

Katie: You're not even part of our team!

Cody: Passion is not separated by teams. It is only separated by the eyes of the beholder. (He takes her chin in his hand, and winks. Katie scowls.)

Katie: I've spoken to you once. How the heck do you interpret that as passion?

Cody: C'mon, babe, you know you want me. I'm a guy that wants to be put in his place. (He gets down on one knee.) Serving you.

Katie: Alright then. (She brings her foot up, and sends it right down towards his face with a crunch. Cody falls on his back, staring up at her, still smiling.)

Cody: She so wants me.

**Confession Cam**

**Cody: The more I thought about it, the more I thought Katie was the girl for me. Sure, she's with DJ, but they have the most dysfunctional relationship ever! So I loaded up my flirt guns, and went at her full force on the firing range. And I think my work paid off. (He rubs his cheekbones.) Ow… **

**End of Confessionals**

Katie: I would really like to go to the duel.

Bridgette (glaring at her): I don't think that's the best idea right now.

Katie: Hey, if you don't go to the duel, you get to sleep. (Bridgette taps her chin.)

Bridgette: True, true. Fine, I won't go. But who'll go with you, Katie?

DJ: I'll go with her. It'll be like our first true date!

Katie: Um, DJ, honey… I was actually thinking maybe Geoff should come with me. (Geoff looks at her suspiciously.)

DJ: Wha-? Why him?

Katie: I need a check-up on my party dosage, I'm afraid. And Geoff's the only one who can help me with that.

Geoff: I agree, here, let me just get my equipment…

Tyler: Now wait a minute! What about me?

Bridgette: Okay, so Geoff and Katie are going to the duel. _After _I have a talk with him. (She grabs Geoff's hear, and start dragging him away, with him continually muttering "ow".)

Tyler: What about me?

Katie: I just need to put on make-up.

Ezekiel: Why would you need make-up at 1 AM, eh?

Katie: Because Alejandro or Justin might be at the duel! I can't look bad for them.

Ezekiel: True, true. They're both quite the candy canes. (He slaps his forehead after saying this.)

Katie: Um… okay then.

Tyler: What about me?

DJ: So, what do you think the duel is gonna be like?

Katie: Stupid, no doubt. And since the challenge is probably shorter for the duels, that means the stupid is probably condensed.

DJ: Yeah, I guess you're—

Tyler: WHAT… ABOUT… ME? (Everyone turns to him.)

Katie: Yeah? What about you? (Tyler groans, and sits down on the railing of the cabin.)

Tyler: Never mind.

**Confession Cam**

**Tyler: Sometimes I think my team doesn't totally value my worth. They knew how much I wanted to see that duel! It's practically like attending a sporting event! But I don't care. I'll show them all. They'll _all _see! **

**DJ: I think there might be another reason why Katie wanted to take Geoff to the duel. But I can't be sure. I don't think I'll be able to sleep with her away at the duel… where will my lullabies go? **

**End of Confessionals**

Courtney: You two… (She points at Gwen and Noah) …are _not _going to the duel! _I _was a C.I.T!

Gwen: Oh, bringing that one out again, are we? Don't you think that's a little old school for your taste?

Izzy: I've always wondered what C.I.T. stood for. "Crabcake Innuendo Terror"? "Cabbage Interjaculate Timberlake"? The world may never know. (Courtney stares at her.)

Courtney: It _stands _for "Counselor in Training", you freak!

Izzy: Nah, I'm leaning towards the second one.

Gwen: Courtney, you're not going to the duel. Simple as that.

Courtney: But you can't go either! You'll be the little lying slut you always are!

Gwen (snarling): You're about to dive right off the deep end. Into a pool filled with concrete. (They're about to lunge at each other, when Noah steps in between them.)

Noah: Ladies, ladies! I have a solution for both of you. Courtney doesn't want Gwen and me going because we might lie to our advantage. We don't want Courtney going because she might do the same thing. And, well… she's Courtney.

Courtney: Hey!

Noah: So, why not come to an agreement? Why don't we select the two most naïve pawns this game has to attend the duel?

Courtney: And who might that be? (Noah nods towards the cabin, where Lindsay and Beth are continuing to receive creepy texts from Chris.) Really? _Those _two?

Gwen: What's wrong with Beth? She's perfectly likeable. And Lindsay may be a little… _out _there, but she certainly wouldn't lie. (Before Courtney has a chance to argue, she is interrupted by Chris, who is speaking into the megaphone, having freed his head from it.)

Chris: Ow… Courtney, you bitch! (Courtney smiles sweetly at him in response.) Okay, anyways, campers, time's up. Time to send your two representatives on their way.

Geoff: Woo! Party! (He sprints off into the night and enters the forest. Katie follows after him. Courtney looks at her team, panicked.)

Courtney: So what are we going to do? Who are we going to send?

Chris: Screaming Ivy, do you have your representatives?

Gwen: Uhh… we're sending Beth and Lindsay! (Beth looks over, surprised.)

Beth: Really? Us?

Lindsay: Yeah… like….. um…. what's the word… oh yeah! "Why"?

Noah: We decided it would be the best decision for tonight.

Beth (nudging her excitedly): The team must really value us, Lindsay!

Lindsay: OMG, yeah!

Beth: C'mon! Let's not let our team down!

Lindsay: Yeah! What are we talking about again?

Beth: Let's just go, okay? (The two skip off into the woods.)

Bridgette: *sigh*… Maybe now we can finally get some sleep.

Chris: Whoa. Oh no. No no no no no no no!

Katie: What? What's the deal?

Chris: Ha! Like I'd actually let you go back to sleep. We want all of you in tip-top shape for today's challenge. So for the next six hours, you'll be getting the full curriculum of Pilates work-out videos, led by our good home exercise master, Chef Hatchet. (Chef leaps out of the shadows of the night, wearing a skin-tight pink tracksuit.)

Chef: C'mon, you lazy bums! To the Mess Hall! (He continues to jog in place. Nobody moves.) NOW, soldiers, NOW!

Tyler: Woo! I love Pilates! Best work-out videos ever! (He lunges towards the Mess Hall, but instead smashes into the ground, groaning. Everybody else follows after him, looking back in fear at Chef, who is carrying a box of work-out videos behind him and has a very creepy grin on his face.)

Chris (cackling): I'm sure they're going to have fun with that. Chef's quite the fan of thigh squats.

**Confession Cam**

**Courtney: I told myself I wouldn't cry, but… (She holds back tears.) I think this competition is going to break me. **

**Bridgette: Why would he do this to us? Chef… that guy's a psychopath! Did you see what he's wearing? **

**Chef: Those ungrateful little brats! Pilates is one of the best home exercise kits known to man! **

**End of Confessionals **

**Forest Path**

Geoff (from behind Katie): Okay, so now that we're alone… what do you want? Dr. Geoff can help with anything. Just a general check-up? An X-ray of your party-box's growth? A pat on the back? (Katie snorts.)

Katie: I didn't bring you to this duel for any of those reasons.

Geoff: Oh. Hm. Then what do you want? (Katie stops walking, and turns around to him.)

Katie: Geoff, what does the word "alliance" mean to you? Does this strike any sort of chord in your tiny brain?

Geoff: Hmm… can I get the word in a sentence?

Katie: I want to form an "alliance" with you.

Geoff: What's the part of speech?

Katie (rolling her eyes): Noun.

Geoff: Language of origin?

Katie: Geoff, this isn't a spelling bee! Do you know what the word means or not?

Geoff: Um… I believe I do.

Katie: Good. Would you like to join one with me?

Geoff: What's in it for me?

Katie: We'll be able to dominate the game post-merge. You'll be able to get the person you want out, when you want them out.

Geoff: What else?

Katie: You can't possibly be asking that.

Geoff: I'm skeptical. On one hand, it'd be nice to have control. On the other hand, you're kind of evil. On the other hand—

Katie: You can't have three hands, Geoff.

Geoff: Hmm… will DJ be with us? And Bridgette?

Katie: Yes. Both of them. They'll be with us to the very end.

Geoff: So… it'll be like the ultimate partacious double date until the final four! But… then what?

Katie: Party some more?

Geoff: Hell yeah! I'm in! (Katie smiles, and turns back around.)

**Confession Cam**

**Katie: That was too easy. My alliance with Geoff is officially in action. Sure, I left out a few parts… including the fact that DJ's going next. (She shrugs.) The teddy bear had the chance to make it to the end. But he didn't remain a teddy bear. He tried to become a real bear. So now, if things go according to plan, Geoff will be tricked into voting out his best friend. A monumental move, really. **

**DJ: I don't think I've ever been this happy in my life. I'm making it farther and farther this season, I got my first girlfriend, my friendship with Geoff is even tighter than Grandma's weaved baskets… Nothing could go wrong now! **

**Geoff: You know, as much as I dislike the girl, it's nice to have Katie as a partner for now. She's the yin to my yang. Yeah, I don't know what that means either. But still, I can't shake the feeling that something bad is approaching… I can feel it in my heart, man. (He pulls his hat down over his head in fear.) **

**End of Confessionals**

Beth: Look, Lindsay, there it is! (They finally make it to a huge Coliseum, looming in the night sky. The two girls walk down a path paved with torches, and enter the arena. Inside, there are two huge sets of seats. In the center, a platform raised above water sits. Moss covers most of the architecture, giving it a mysterious quality.)

Lindsay: It's so beautiful.

Beth: I know, right? (Suddenly, Chris appears behind them.)

Chris: Welcome, ladies.

Lindsay: GAH! (She swings at him with her handbag, and he ducks out of the way.)

Chris: Whoa! What's the idea?

Lindsay: Oh, sorry, Kyle. You scared me.

Chris: Don't be scared. This is a celebration.

Beth: Why would we celebrate watching a friend we once held very dear to our hearts leave the game for good?

Chris: Why not?

Beth: You, Chris, need counseling.

Chris: Whatever. Anyways, I'd like to be the first to welcome you to the Chris Coliseum. This is where the duels will take place. This is where game-changing occurrences will happen.

Beth: This is amazing, Chris. How did you do this?

Chris: I didn't do anything illegal! (There's an awkward silence.)

Beth: Um… I wasn't going to ask that.

Chris: Well, uh… just letting that out there. Heh heh. Now, Lindsay and Beth, get up in the bleachers. We need to wait for our other spectators to arrive.

Lindsay (as they climb up into their seats): Why so many of these?

Beth (feeling the seat, which is covered in plush velvet): And why so luxurious?

Chris: We wanted to create the greatest distance possible between the duelers and the spectators. Show them that you guys are living in a life of luxury and prosperity, while they've been hated, outcast, and sent to live in a dingy old hunk of wood, eating nothing but nothing for as long as we deem necessary.

Beth: That's horrible! (However, she doesn't complain about having to sit in them.)

Chris: Are you serious? It's hilarious! Now, Geoff and Katie should be arriving any minute now… (As if on cue, Geoff and Katie arrive through the entrance. Geoff's eyes scan the place, and immediately, he lets out a party whoop. He then proceeds to gallop around the entire stadium, cheering and clapping. Next, he runs up the stairs of the seats and back down, almost knocking over Beth and Lindsay. Finally, he plops back down into the Coliseum floor, breathing heavily.)

Chris: Are you done?

Geoff: I think so.

Chris: Okay. You two go up in the seats. Then we'll bring in the spectators!

_**Meanwhile…**_

Chef: C'mon, you little milksops! Get them knees _up_, I tell you, _up_! (The campers are all in the Mess Hall, with a Pilates video playing, as they do high-knee running in place.)

DJ: Momma…

Chef: You aint got your momma! _I _got your momma! And I aint givin' her back unless you put in a little more E-F-O-R-T!

Bridgette (breathing heavily): You didn't… even… spell that correctly! (She gasps for air.) "Effort"… has two… "F's"!

Chef: What'd you say, little girl? It sounded like you said, "Crank up the volume"! (He presses a button on his remote control, and the video starts blasting even louder.)

Woman on screen: Alright, ladies, now we'll move to thigh squats!

Cody (nudging Ezekiel): See? I knew this was for girls, man!

Chef: WHAT DID YOU SAY, FOOL?

Cody: Um, I was just telling Ezekiel to put in a little more effort. Seemed like he was lagging.

Chef: Hm, true. Good work, soldier! (He looks over at Noah, who is pretty much standing in place.) Hey you! String bean! Think you're too cool for this?

Noah (still standing in place): I'm trying.

Chef: No you aint! Listen, a man your age needs a nice, firm, juicy butt. You can't be havin' no bony butt, turkey! Aint no girls gonna be after you if you aint got a butt! But the only way you get that is through exercises like this!

Noah (sarcastically): Oh yeah, having a firm butt is _totally _an important thing to me.

Chef: Good! Then get moving!

Izzy: I agree with Chef. You need to get a butt before we can date, Noah.

Ezekiel: Yeah, you need a butt, Noah.

Noah: Wow, this conversation has suddenly gone off the deep end of awkwardness.

Chef: The human body's a beautiful thing! It aint nothing to be awkward with! (Suddenly, Trent bursts into the Mess Hall, scorched all over. He collapses on the floor.)

Courtney: Trent!

Trent: Ow… (He looks over at Chef.) I've been waiting in the infirmary for the past six hours to get treated, you bastard! Any chance of that happening anytime soon?

Chef: Came to join us, did you? Good. Join us! There's enough Pilates for everyone! (Trent looks at Chef in his pink jumpsuit, looks at the campers exercising, looks at the exercise video, and quickly tries to run away. Chef, however, is too fast. The cook tackles him to the ground.)

Courtney: What are you doing? Get off of him!

Trent: Dude, I'm injured both emotionally and physically! Why do you want to do this to me?

Chef: You think you can just cut your duties? No way, soldier! I'm drafting you for the army! The army of exercise videos, that is! (He props Trent up.) Now watch the video, son. And do what the Pillates bitch tells you to! (As the girl on screen instructs, Trent stumbles around for a few seconds blindly, before collapsing to the floor. Courtney screams, and runs over.)

Courtney: Trent! He passed out! I have to take him to the infirmary! (Chef smiles coldly at her.)

Chef: If you do that, I will personally see to you getting eliminated from the entire competition. (Courtney looks at Chef, then at Trent, and then back at Chef. Sighing in defeat, she gets up to start doing thigh squats, but not before flipping Chef off. Satisfied, Chef begins his own thigh squats. He smiles as he does the exercise, but that smile quickly melts away when he sees Gwen sitting on a windowsill, writing in her diary. His face slowly gets redder and redder until he looks like he's about to explode.)

Chef: THAT'S IT! EVERYBODY STOP! (He pauses the video, and everyone keels over, breathing heavily. Chef jams a finger in Gwen's direction.) You! Morbid one! What do you think you're doing?

Gwen: I'm writing.

Chef: _Writin'_? Let me see what you're writin'!

Gwen: It's my personal business! No, wait! (Before she can stop him, Chef snatches the book out of her hand, and stares at it.)

Chef: Hey! You wrote about me! (A big smile on his face, he starts to read aloud.) "Chef Hatchet is... possibly the most emotionally demented person I know. Where did this come from? Perhaps it has to do with being continually beaten over the head with a brick. Or maybe… maybe his parents just didn't give him the love he needs. Maybe he never got a date to prom, maybe he spent hours in his room contemplating running away to become a ballerina. (A small tear runs down Chef's cheek at this.) Maybe he was searching for something in this small depressing world that wasn't there. Something that would never be. Acceptance. Immortality. Hope. (With that, Chef Hatchet bursts into tears of joy. Gwen looks surprised.)

Gwen: You… you actually liked it?

Chef: You may be a corpse, girl, but that was tight. We need more shit like this in the world. You know what? Keep writin'.

Courtney: What about the rest of us? Do we get to stop?

Chef: You… you guys… (He looks at them tenderly. They look at him hopefully. He looks back again, and then shrugs.) Aw, to hell, I don't give a frick about you guys. Back to work! (He flips on the exercise video again, and everyone groans. As they exercise, Chef looks over at Gwen, and winks. Gwen winks back.)

**Confession Cam**

**Gwen: It's nice being emotionally depressed sometimes. It can actually benefit you. That was an example.**

**Courtney: Aw, come on! If I had known that sucking up to the old man would let me get out of doing that exercise video, I would've gone over and kissed the bottoms of his grimy feet hours ago! But that was well played, Gwen, well played. **

**Trent: Okay, maybe now I'm starting to believe in karma. **

**End of Confessionals**

_**Meanwhile…**_

**Redemption Coliseum**

Chris: Okay, spectators, welcome to the Coliseum.

Katie: You already said that.

Chris: Just repeating it in case you missed it.

Lindsay: Wait… what'd he say?

Chris (beckoning to Lindsay): See? Now, normally the duels will be in the later morning, but we thought we'd start the first one as soon as possible.

Beth: So, who's competing against Harold?

Geoff (nudging Katie): Hey! Maybe it could be Sadie!

Katie (unenthusiastically): Hm? Sadie? Um… yeah, I guess that would be cool. (Geoff stares at her in confusion, but doesn't say anything.)

Chris: You'll see in a few seconds. Now, let's bring in the competitors for today's duel! First up, he's latin scholar with a diplomat for a dad, and an amazing ability to charm the pants off most species. Too bad that didn't get him anywhere, though, cause now he's been trapped in a cold, damp, lice-infested pit of loserdom with a naked Nintendo nerd. Let's bring in Alejandro! (Beth gasps.)

Beth: _He's _back?

Chris: Not yet he's not. If Alejandro even wants a chance to come back, he has to win today's duel. And the one after that. And however many we deem necessary. And here he comes now! (There is a yell, and suddenly, Alejandro flies through the competitors' entrance and lands on the ground. His limbs are tied together in a knotted mess of arms and legs.)

Alejandro: This is inconvenient. (Harold strolls in after him, still completely naked and without his glasses.)

Chris: Harold! What the hell did you do to him?

Harold: I have slain the dragon! (He holds a katana blade into the air and lets out a war cry.)

Katie: Harold, you idiot! Do you even know how Redemption Cabin works? You weren't supposed to maim your opponent _before _the duel!

Harold: But, I… I—

Chris: Yeah, seriously, dude, not cool. And why are you still naked? I thought I put some clothes in Redemption Cabin for you.

Harold: I wear the cloak of pride. The helmet of truth. The gloves of the faithful. The—

Alejandro (interrupting him): That's all very nice, but now what are we going to do? I certainly can't duel in this form.

Chris: So are you forfeiting?

Alejandro: I'm afraid I have to.

Harold: No! Wait! I will fix him! (He lunges at Alejandro, and his hands become a blur. This goes on for about ten minutes, and when Harold pulls away, Alejandro is lying on the ground, completely untangled.)

Alejandro: Ow…

Harold: Now it will be a fair fight. A battle of the two samurai. (He waves to Katie.) Katie, my fair maiden! Come to watch my greatest triumph?

Katie: More like I came to watch you get your $$ handed to you on a silver platter by Alejandro. (Alejandro winks at her, and stands up.)

Chris: Okay, Harold, Alejandro… the two of you are very different. But you both have one thing in common. You want redemption for your previous actions. And this is the place to get it. The two of you will be competing in a duel today. We designed this duel so it would be the perfect mix of physical, mental, and emotional strain.

Alejandro: No you didn't.

Chris: Now you're learning. However, it will involve fire, cross-dressing, and man-eating sharks. But before we get to that, let's talk about your times in Redemption Cabin. Alejandro, how did you approach it?

Alejandro: I took the time to really tone and perfect my body. (He points to his sixteen pack.)

Chris: Ha! You've got nothing on me, dude. (He rips off his shirt, showing a drooping paunch.) Um, you didn't see that.

Alejandro: I didn't eat. Eating pollutes the mind.

Chris: Wait. You didn't eat at _all_?

Alejandro: Not once. Nourishment is quite low on my list of importance.

Chris: Okay, that's messed up. Okay, Harold, what was your reasoning behind attacking Anorexio?

Alejandro: Don't call me that.

Harold: I wanted to weaken him as emotionally as I could. I said some things to him I shouldn't have. I'm sorry. (He hugs Alejandro, still naked, and the latino reels backwards.)

Chris: Alejandro, you see Lindsay and Beth sitting in the stands, watching this duel. They were part of the team that voted you out. Do you have anything to say to them?

Alejandro: I actually have something to say something to everybody here. I call this, "The Ultimate Burrito of Death".

Chris (rolling his eyes): Here we go.

Alejandro: All six of us here do not know each other well. We have our differences, we have our faults. But this is no problem. Because when we come together in a burrito, we all become one. We all have one purpose. But sadly, all burritos must come to an end, as they are inevitably eaten by a person. Chris, you are that person, taking evil, merciless, greedy bites out of our group and spitting out the parts you don't like with a certain maniacal aura about your consumption, as you stain your face with sauces and chunks of what once was hope.

Chris (grinning evilly): Why thank you.

Alejandro: I am, without a doubt, the tortilla in this situation. I wrap around the five of you, protecting you as Chris takes bite after bite. But soon, even I am weak. But my goal is still protection, and maybe, I will be the one to benefit from this. I keep you guys in my loving embrace, whispering "No matter what happens, we will find each other again". Beth, you are the rice. As you fall to the floor from Chris's ravenous way of eating, you will spread out, never able to put yourself back together again. Geoff, you are the beans. You will go fairly quickly, as you are digested quite fast. Katie, you are the cheese. You will constipate the game as long as you can, but in the end, you'll suffer the same fate as Geoff and Beth. Lindsay, you are, as in my previous burrito metaphor, the guacamole. You will leave the burrito with Chris only having the stains of you on his face as a memory to lick up ravenously. And Harold. You were the appetizer. You've already been digested. Now it's just time for you to be flushed.

Chris: That was… ominous.

Katie: Wait. Are you questioning our chances of winning?

Alejandro (smirking): Perhaps I am. After all, the tortilla is always the last part remaining. It's a known fact.

Chris (his face crinkling in concern): That was very different from your last burrito metaphor. Pretty disturbing.

Alejandro (shrugging): I only speak words of truth. (Meanwhile, Geoff, is sobbing and clapping.)

Geoff: Oh, bravo, bravo! (He continues to sob.) That was the most beautiful metaphor I've ever heard!

Katie: You do realize he just said you were going to get eliminated soon and quickly, don't you?

Geoff: Nah, he didn't. I'm sure that's not what he meant. (Alejandro looks away, whistling. Geoff looks over at Chris.) He wins. That metaphor was just too much for me to handle. Check mate.

Chris: Very well. Alejandro, you are now the king of metaphors. But seriously, I think you guys should all hear my hair product metaphors—

Everyone: NO!

Chris: Fine. Geez! Let's just start the duel then. So, Harold, Alejandro… to stay in this game, you _have _to win this duel. However, the loser of the duel will become the first member of our fourteen-person jury, who will decide which of the Final 2 is the winner through voting.

Alejandro (shaking Harold's hand): I wish you the best of luck, _amigo_.

Harold: You too, Chris. (Noticing he's serious, Alejandro turns to Chris.)

Alejandro: Maybe we should at least give him his glasses.

Chris: Tyler has them. Which means they've probably already broken and are on fire somewhere. Speaking of fire, for this early morning duel, it will be a certain classic tie-breaker. Alejandro, you might remember this. (Alejandro suddenly smiles.)

Alejandro: How could I forget?

Beth (rolling her eyes): Yep. It's only where you slammed a defenseless little nerd half your size off a platform into shark-infested waters and considered it like you'd just won an academy award.

Alejandro (cringing): When you put it that way…

Geoff: Dude, there's no other way to put it. You were kind of a jerk there.

Harold: The only reason Cody didn't win was because he didn't heed my advice. You always go for the kiwis!

Chris: Now, it's a little different this time. You will both be given your polo sticks to whack each other with. And yes, you'll be above shark-infested waters. But this time, you will both be having your own sacrifices you have to save.

Katie: And who will those be?

_**Five Minutes Later…**_

Katie: I can't believe I let him talk us into this! (She and Geoff are tied to one of the wooden posts. At the other end, Lindsay and Beth are tied to the other.)

Geoff: Are you serious? Now this is a party! WOOHOO! (He starts squirming around in excitement.)

Katie: Stop that!

Lindsay: OMG, I _sooo _didn't see this coming!

Chris: Yes, well, we believed the spectators should really get a "hands-on" experience. Anyways, Alejandro, you will be trying to rescue Lindsay and Beth, while Harold will be trying to rescue Geoff and Katie. The very teammates that just voted you guys out.

Alejandro: I have no bitterness towards my teammates. (However, his face says otherwise.)

Chris: The two of you will be trying to prevent the other from rescuing their sacrifices. Now, to use as weapons, here are your polo sticks. (He hands one to Alejandro, and one to Harold.)

Harold (twirling his polo stick around in the air): A samurai's greatest weapon. I'm afraid you stand no chance, Al.

Alejandro (smirking): Oh, we'll see.

Chris: Now, finally, as tradition, here are your grass skirts and coconut bras!

Harold: Yes! (As Chris tosses it to him, he jumps up and catches the clothes in mid-air.)

Alejandro: Aw, do I have to wear that again? It makes me feel like a twisted, creepy form of a man-woman.

Chris: Are you sure that's the coconut bra that's make you feel like that?

Alejandro: Shut up.

Chris: Okay, you two quickly go change, and get back here in ten.

**Confession Cam**

**Alejandro (now wearing his coconut bra): It is time for me to win. Time for Roberto to finally understand why he should never make fun of me! (He looks at his grass skirt and coconut bra.) Hm, I probably shouldn't say that while I'm wearing this. **

**Harold: As the wise Confucius once said, "It is not the size of a man's heart that defines him, but the size of his bra." If that's the case, I am quite the man. **

**End of Confessionals**

Harold (now standing up on the platform with Alejandro, feeling up his coconut bra): Hm. Excellent support. You don't get that from a bra nowadays. Fits perfectly. Really pushes my cleavage upwards, instead of letting it just droop.

Chris: Harold, please stop frightening us. Just go stand near Lindsay and Beth. Alejandro, you go stand at the other end, near Katie and Geoff. Now, time to just set our sacrifices on fire! (He takes out a bow, loads up a flaming arrow, and dramatically pulls the string back as far as it will go. Letting out a battle cry, he lets go of the string. The arrow goes in a three-foot arc before plopping in the sand and going out. Chris glances at the campers and chuckles.)

Chris: Um, you didn't see that.

Katie: Oh, but we did.

Chris: No you didn't! (He waves his hand through the air.)

Beth: Did you seriously just try to wipe our memory?

Lindsay: OMG, it totally worked! I don't even remember what happened!

Beth: Well, that's not exactly out of the ordinary.

Chris: Whatever. It was a warm-up shot. (He loads up another arrow, and this time, it flies somewhere into the thickets. Geoff snickers.) Okay, you know what? You want to laugh at me? Then I'll just do it the normal way! (He presses a button on his remote control, and suddenly, the tops of the two stakes burst into flames.)

Katie: Gah! (She starts blowing on the top, trying to put out the fire.)

Geoff: Woohoo! I've never felt so alive! It feels… so… good… (He suddenly falls asleep. Katie looks at his drooping, snoring body, and looks frantically at Harold, who is stroking both of his coconuts lovingly.)

Katie: Harold! Stop fondling yourself and save us!

Chris: This challenge is on! (He blows into a foghorn. With that, Alejandro and Harold start circling each other, sizing each other up.)

Alejandro: I'm afraid you're no match for me, my tiny friend.

Harold: Oh really? Are _you _a C-cup? Because you appear to be a_ B_-cup!

Alejandro: What kind of trash-talk is that?

Harold: The warrior kind! HI-yah! (He swings his polo stick upward, right into the crotch of the ladies' man. Alejandro falls to the ground on his knees, squealing in pain. Harold then proceeds to smack him time after time in the face, beating him senseless.)

Chris: And Harold dishes out a proper maiming to our favorite man-whore!

Harold: Take that! Gosh, this is too easy.

Katie: Harold, stop relishing beating him up and start untying us!

Harold: Just a few more smacks, okay?

Alejandro: Uggh… (He gets up, with Harold still smacking him with the polo stick. Suddenly, he blocks Harold's next blow, and starts pushing him towards the edge. Harold pushes back. It goes on like this for a while, both of them pushing back and forth.)

Harold: Two warriors… locked in a deadly embrace… this was how it was meant to be, wasn't it?

Alejandro: I wouldn't have it any other way. But now, you must be swallowed. DOWN THE THROAT OF THE GAME! (Using all his strength, he drives Harold's frail body towards the edge.)

Alejandro (staring into his fearful eyes): This will be the same as last time. With a helpless weakling getting the honor of becoming shark bait! (He takes a swing at Harold's face, but gets nothing but air. He looks around.) Wait? Where'd he go? (He shrugs.) Very well. If he chooses to disappear, that is fine by me. Now I can free my ladies, and win this duel! (He walks over to Lindsay and Beth, and starts untying them.)

Lindsay: Yay! Go Albert!

Alejandro: Ladies, you will be freed very shortly… god, why are these knots so hard to untie? (Suddenly, Beth's face breaks into a look of horror.)

Beth: Alejandro, watch out! (A cool grin on his face, Alejandro swivels around, just in time to have a pair of feet smash into his face, from Harold swinging in on a vine, yelling random Japanese. Alejandro stumbles around for a few seconds, before tumbling right off the edge of the platform. Harold drops down from the vine, and laughs.)

Harold: His mind is so weak. BUAHAHAHAHAHA! (Meanwhile, Alejandro is treading water, and looks up at Harold, who is now doing a victory dance.)

Alejandro: No! (Suddenly, a bunch of sharks start swimming towards him.) Stay back! GAH! (The sharks all surround him, and he disappears in the swarm. Meanwhile, Harold is now reciting lines from famous Chinese philosophers.)

Harold: And, as Gongsun Long once said "When no thing is not the pointed-out, to point out is not to point out."

Katie (her hair about to catch on fire): What does that have to do with current situation? Save me already!

Harold: Fine, do not gain intelligence. Not my problem. (He whips out a katana blade and prepares to slash the rope. He squints his eyes as he does so.) Where are you, Katie? I can't see you without my glasses!

Katie: I'm over here—no, Harold! You're going the wrong way! (Harold's back is facing her, and he's now over near Beth and Lindsay.) OTHER WAY, HAROLD, OTHER WAY! (Alejandro has now got both hands on the platform, and is pulling himself up, covered in shark bites, and groaning miserably. Harold, in panic, tries to run over to Katie and slash the rope. However, he goes even farther in the wrong direction.)

Katie: NO! (But it's too late. Harold brings his katana blade upwards, and slashes it down, cutting Lindsay and Beth's ropes.)

Harold: There! I've saved you, Katie!

Chris: And Alejandro wins the duel, and stays alive in Redemption Cabin!

Harold: Wait… how could this be?

Katie: You idiot! You just saved Lindsay and Beth! You just lost the duel!

Harold: Wha—? (He squints his eyes some more, and then gasps.) No! This can't be! (Alejandro, who is now fully up on the platform again, fist pumps.)

Alejandro: Yes! (He embraces Lindsay and Beth.) You did excellent girls. I assume you played a mind game with him, and tricked him into saving you guys instead?

Lindsay: Yeah, totally. I'm really good with mind games.

Alejandro: Well, I'm so proud of you. Both of you. (He hugs them some more. However, in his embrace, he accidentally squeezes Beth's butt.)

Beth: Oh, so _that's _what you want! (Grabbing Alejandro's polo stick, she slams it into his groin again, and then delivers a epic blow into the side of his head. Alejandro goes flying off the platform, and into the shark waters once more. Meanwhile, Geoff is just waking up, still tied up with Katie.)

Geoff: What… what'd I miss?

Katie: Harold lost the duel. Oh, and you might want to look up. (Geoff nonchalantly looks upwards, and screams when he sees his hat on fire.)

Geoff: Not my hat! I gotta put it out! (He starts squirming to get free, pushing so hard that the stake becomes dislodged from the platform. He then runs across the wooden planks, tearing them up as he does so, with Katie swearing and yelling next to him. The party boy dives off into the water, still attached to the stake with Katie, and the fire is put out when he lands.)

Geoff (a pleasured look on his face): Ahh… (He looks over at Katie, who is scowling at him.) What? Are you mad? Hey, it's part of the alliance to forgive one another. So I forgive you. (Katie stares at him, before slapping him across the face.)

**Confession Cam**

**Geoff (rubbing his cheek): Man… Katie's worse than Sierra was at the beginning of the season. Doesn't she realize how close I was to letting my hat die? (Suddenly, a small flame bursts out of the side of his hat.) Gah! Afterflame! (He quickly dips his head in the toilet, letting it stay there until the fire is put out. Then he realizes what he just did.) Hm. I probably should've thought before I did that. **

**Harold: I just have one thing to say to all you kids out there. Believe in yoursel—**

**End of Confessionals**

(The four spectators are now in the stands again. Chris faces Harold and Alejandro, who are standing next to each other.)

Harold (to Chris): Why'd you cut off my exit confessional there? Gosh!

Chris: Sorry, but we don't like pointless motivational speeches on this show. We don't actually want the viewers feeling confident about themselves.

Harold (nodding solemnly): Very well. I respect your decision, sensei.

Chris: So, Harold, your journey has come to an end. (He beckons to the exit of the arena.) Walk down that plank-way, and you'll come to a boat. You board that, and off to the Playa de Losers you go. Your journey is done. That is, until the finale. (Harold turns to Alejandro, who is standing next to him.)

Harold: I just have one thing to give to Alejandro.

Chris: No! We're not having another one of those stupid Chinese give-aways!

Harold: It's _Japanese_, for one. And it will only take a second. (He nods at Alejandro, his solemn face reflecting the moonlight.) You get the greatest gift of all. The drop of sweat of a samurai. (Before Alejandro can protest, Harold grabs his hand. The Nintendo lover then flexes his facial muscles as hard as he can, until a bead of sweat drops down from his forehead and lands in the pretty boy's palm. Alejandro stares at it in horror.)

Harold: That drop of sweat has everything I put into this game. Use it to find yourself a new beginning.

Alejandro: Um… I'll do that. (He wipes it off on his pants in disgust.)

Harold: So long, then! And remember, kids of Canada! Believe in what the world hold—(He is cut off as Chris pushes his head out of the way, and down the path of Loserdom. Chris then examines Alejandro.)

Chris: Well, Alejandro, you, against all odds, were able to make it through the duel.

Alejandro (hopefully): So, do I reenter the game now?

Chris: Ha! You can't be serious.

Alejandro: What do you mean?

Chris: You're going to have to win a lot more duels before anybody gets let back into the game. So return to Redemption Cabin, and await your next opponent.

Alejandro: No! I refuse to go back to that hellhole! I'm staying right here, until you—(Chris snaps his fingers, and Alejandro disappears in a puff of smoke. Then the host winks at Katie, Geoff, Beth, and Lindsay. However, he gives them each their own wink, so it looks like he's just having a nervous eyelid spasm.)

Chris: Well, you witnessed quite the duel. Now it's the time, on your way back, to console with your teammate and decide what to tell your team. Unless they're too exhausted to listen, which they probably will be, after the morning they've had. So… go! (When nobody moves, he scowls.) Get out of here before I decide to have Chef just do Pillates with you guys all day! (Everybody quickly sprints out of the arena.)

**Confession Cam**

**Beth: I knew I wouldn't get a chance like this again. It was time to make my big move. So it turns out Alejandro is the loser who got to return. But should I tell Trent that? Who would Trent freak out even more about if they were in Redemption Cabin? That's right. Duncan. Alejandro's a threat to Trent physically. Duncan's a threat to Trent emotionally. If Trent were to think that Duncan had won the duel and is still in Redemption Cabin… he would get paranoid. And if there's one time Trent can't think, it's when he's panicked and scrambling. When he's cool and collected, he actually can strategize. So if I were to lie and tell him Duncan were there… it would be easy to get him out. But this whole plan centers on Lindsay not being an idiot. (She groans.) Wish me luck. **

**Lindsay: Strategy… that sounds like that dish I had at that one Italian restaurant I went to. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Forest Path**

(Beth and Lindsay are heading back towards camp. The sun is just peaking over the horizon in the distance.)

Beth: That was some duel, wasn't it, Lindsay?

Lindsay: I know! I felt like I was watching some sort of… like, duel!

Beth: Uh, yeah, cause that's what it was. (She quickly changes the subject.) So, what do you think we should tell the team? Should we tell them the truth?

Lindsay: What are we telling the team?

Beth: What happened at the duel, Lindsay!

Lindsay: Like… why would they want to know what happened at the duel?

Beth: Um, so they know who was just eliminated?

Lindsay: Someone was eliminated? Who? Was it us?

Beth: Listen, Lindsay. Listen carefully. We just saw Alejandro beat Harold in a duel. Harold was eliminated. Make sense?

Lindsay: Yes.

Beth: Good. Now, should we tell the team that, or should we lie to our advantage?

Lindsay: Option B!

Beth (grinning): So… lie to our advantage?

Lindsay: Yeah. But wait… how would we do that?

Beth: We tell Trent that Duncan returned and won the duel. He freaks out. We boot him out easily.

Lindsay: But, wait… didn't Alejandro win the duel?

Beth: _That's _the point of _lying_! We don't tell the _truth_!

Lindsay: So… we tell the team that Duncan's back and we are lying to our advantage?

Beth (cringing): Leave out that last part.

Lindsay: So we tell them that Duncan's back and we are lying to our *blank*?

Beth: No! Just tell them Duncan beat Harold. In fact, tell them Chris brought Duncan back specifically for that conflict. But if Trent asks you privately about it, you need to continue to lie. Okay?

Lindsay: So… I lie.

Beth: Yes.

Lindsay: To the team.

Beth: Yes.

Lindsay: And I don't say I'm lying…

Beth: Yes.

Lindsay: And I say that Duncan won.

Beth: Yes.

Lindsay: And that Harold lost.

Beth: Yes.

Lindsay: Then what was Alejandro doing? Was he the host?

Beth: No! Here, let me rephrase it to you…

**Confession Cam**

**Beth: It took me a long, strenuous walk, but I think I was able to drill the information into Lindsay's head. Now I just have to pray it works and she doesn't screw it up for me. **

**Lindsay: Lying is so exciting! I feel like a criminal. (Chris sticks his head through the window.)**

**Chris: You're certainly _my _criminal. (He winks at her and pulls out a pair of handcuffs.)**

**End of Confessionals**

**Killer Redwoods Cabin (Males)**

(Bridgette, Ezekiel, Tyler, and DJ are all leaning against the wall, breathing heavily and sweating.)

Tyler: Damn… my thighs feel like they're about to fall off… Chef needs to get some sort of psychological examination.

Bridgette (laughing): And what was with his pink tracksuit? Who does he think he is, Princess Peach or something?

Tyler: Ha! Yeah. He's like some weird, ghetto wannabe Princess Peach.

Ezekiel: Hey, don't hate on Chef, guys. He's a cool dude! He told me a war story once. I went something like—

Bridgette: No! No more of those war stories! I can't take any more of those! (Suddenly, Geoff and Katie walk into the cabin, looking calm.)

DJ: You're back! What happened, guys?

Geoff: Well, we get to the arena, and guess who shows up?

Bridgette: Don't tell me it's Heather. Or Sierra, for that matter.

Geoff: Nah, just Alejandro.

Ezekiel: Awesome! Alejandro's my fave. Did he win?

Katie (shrugging): I really couldn't care less, but yeah.

Bridgette: Darn it! I can't have that slime ball coming back into the game.

Katie: Don't worry. He pretty much sucked in the challenge. The only reason he won was because Harold was an idiot. He won't last any longer. So, how was your morning?

Tyler: Chef's rage, gay pink labor style.

Geoff (chuckling): Man, that sounds horrible! Good thing Katie and I went to the duel.

Bridgette: I'm going next time. You can't stop me. (Meanwhile, Geoff has sat down next to DJ on the bed, and suddenly starts whispering in the brickhouse's hear.)

Geoff (whispering): We were walking to the duel. Katie turns around and talks to me. She's got a plan. You, me, her, Bridgette. All the way to the Final 4. (DJ raises an eyebrow.)

DJ: She isn't joking? She actually wants that?

Geoff: Why wouldn't she? We really bonded during the duel.

DJ (smiling): That's really good for you guys. But don't you think it's a little early for a Final 4 deal?

Geoff: It's never too early. C'mon, dude! We get rid of Ezekiel and Tyler next, and then we cruise to the end! (DJ thinks for a moment.)

DJ: I'm in.

**Confession Cam**

**DJ: The Final 4 with my girlfriend, my best friend, and my best friend's girlfriend? That would be like a dream come true! Maybe I'm finally getting some luck this time around. **

**Chef (wearing his pink tracksuit): I do _not _look like Princess Peach in this! Daisy all the way, bitches! **

**End of Confessionals**

**Screaming Ivy Cabin (Females)**

(The Screaming Ivy team members are also in their cabin, all sitting on the floor and groaning.)

Cody: All I did was ask for a drink of water! Did Chef really have to take the power house and aim it at my crotch? (He clutches his groin in pain.)

Gwen (flipping through her diary peacefully): I thought it was very relaxing. (Courtney looks over her shoulder, and scowls.)

Courtney: Just a good thing he didn't turn to any of the other pages in your diary. I'm sure he wouldn't be too touched by _that _illustration. (She points to a sketch of a much fatter Chef in tutu sweating all over the place.)

Gwen: You do realize I didn't even write that whole essay in my journal. I actually just wrote about how much of a jerk he is, but he must have decided to read it in his own emotional way.

Noah: I thought it was actually a very good workout. (Izzy bursts out laughing.) What's so funny?

Izzy: The only exercise you got was in your eyes, watching Bridgette's boobs bounce!

Noah: I was not doing that! (He looks away, blushing.)

Cody (staring away dreamily): I was. (Someone enters the cabin. Immediately, everyone storms them, asking for details about the duel. Trent pushes them all away, glaring.)

Trent: God, it's just me, guys! I have no idea what happened!

Gwen: Oh, it's just Trent. (Everybody sits back down in their original spots, bored again.)

Trent (sarcastically): Wow. What a warm welcome.

Courtney: So, did you finally get your treatment?

Trent: Yep. No thanks to Chef. I had to clean my wounds myself. (He sighs.) But nothing will clean the wound in my heart.

Izzy: Surgery might. (She takes a machete, her eyes glinting warmly.)

Trent: Don't you even. (He sighs, and brings in his guitar case, sitting down on it.)

Courtney: You can always get a new guitar.

Trent: Don't even say that! You don't realize how many memories I share with it. The first time I ever plucked the G string. That time I polished it until it was as shiny as could be. That time I got my head stuck in the sound hole. (Izzy bursts out laughing at this.) It's not funny! No. I'll never be the same. (Courtney comes over, and starts comforting him. Lindsay and Beth arrive shortly after, Beth looking cool and collected, Lindsay looking extremely nervous.)

Cody: Hey g—

Lindsay: DUNCAN RETURNED AND HE BEAT HAROLD AND HAROLD LOST AND DUNCAN WON! (Everybody stares at her. Beth facepalms silently. Trent, however, immediately takes the bait.)

Trent: Wait a minute. _Duncan's _back? And he _won_?

Beth (sweating nervously): Yeah. Chris brought him back so he and Harold could have a conflict. (She grits her teeth, and nudges Lindsay.) Right, Lindsay?

Lindsay: DUNCAN RETURNED AND HE BEAT HAROLD AND HAROLD LOST AND DUNCAN WON! (Beth looks like she is about to melt now. But Trent is starting to freak out anyway.)

Trent: This can't be happening… first the guitar, and then the Pillates, and now this? What did _he _do to deserve to get back? He's just a f***ing writer's pet! That's all he is! This can't be—

Courtney: Don't believe them, Trent. They're obviously lying.

Beth: Why would we lie?

Courtney (crossing her arms): You're trying to get Trent worked up. (However, there is a small glint of fear in her eyes about the prospect of Duncan.)

Beth: Well, we're not lying. Right, Lindsay? (Before Lindsay can start yelling again, she clamps a hand over her mouth and starts hissing in her ear.) Unless you want us both eliminated just say yes.

Lindsay: Um… yes?

Gwen (shrugging): Makes sense to me. The writer's are practically Duncan's sex slaves.

Cody: Well it doesn't make sense to me! I don't want that punk back!

Noah: Guys, there's nothing we can do about it. We might as well just try our hardest in the challenge today.

Izzy: Ha! Now you're all about "trying"? What's happening to you?

Noah: What can I say? You bring out my wild side. (Before anyone can stop them, the two start making out in front of everybody. Cody sighs when he sees this.)

Gwen (staring at them): No. Way.

Beth: Oh. My. Gawd.

Lindsay: Aww… that's so cute! (Trent is about to say something, but throws up instead.)

Courtney: So you two are together now?

Noah: You can call it that. She brings me to the wild side of life. I bring her to the sane side of life. We compliment each other quite well. Like a glass of Sauvignon Blanc and an olive-oil based dish. (His eyes suddenly widen.) Did I just say a wine metaphor? (Everybody nods.) Oh no. The end has come.

**Confession Cam**

**Noah: I've been around Chris so much that I'm starting to act like him! Maybe it started when I became his personal assistant. That was hell… In other news, I know Beth and Lindsay are lying. But why should I care? Caring is only for when I go to my wild side. **

**Trent: So many blows to my emotional stability… first my beloved guitar explodes, then I find out Duncan might be returning, and then Noah and Izzy kiss. One more strike, and I think I might snap. (He tries to flush the toilet, but finds it clogged. He turns back to the camera, his left eyelid twitching.) You might not want to see this. **

**Gwen (looking at the bathroom, which is now a ravaged wasteland with toilet paper everywhere): What the? It looks like a tornado passed through here! **

**Trent: Told you I'd snap. **

**Courtney: Do I believe Beth and Lindsay? Maybe. I need to get Lindsay alone though, and interrogate her. She'll break eventually. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Clearing**

Chris: Welcome, campers, to today's challenge. (All fourteen remaining players are milling around in a grassy clearing near the forest. A bunch of obstacles are leading off into the woods, and looming nearby, are two giant glass balls.)

Tyler: What's with the cubes, dude?

Chris: Tyler?

Tyler: Yes, my good dude?

Chris: Those are spheres.

Tyler: See, that's the great thing about geometry! There's always more than one answer!

Noah: No there isn't.

Tyler: Geez! Really hating on me today, are we? Let my creative mind flow, guys!

Chris: Anyways, today's challenge is all about teamwork.

Katie: I can bet that it isn't.

Chris: Oh, but it is! You see, we decided the teams hadn't really been coming together as much as they should have by now. So we're going to bring you guys so close together that you'll be like family!

Courtney (glancing over at Izzy): Please, god, no.

Chris: Now, we've already enjoyed an exciting Redemption Cabin duel. But this challenge is even better! Here's how it will work. There will be two challenges, and a tie-breaker if necessary. Each challenge involves these. (He beckons to the glass balls.) Here's the twist, though; for each round, you will have to put one of your team members inside that ball. There are hand straps and foot straps to keep them centered inside the sphere.

Trent: Why the hell is this necessary?

Chris: I dunno. It's more fun that way! So, for this first round, the person in the ball will have their team members roll them through a dangerous forest obstacle course. You'll have to go up sets of stairs, down ramps, across swamps, through mine-fields… all the way to the finish line exactly half a mile away! Sound easy? Now, you need to pick your team member who will go inside the ball, and then we'll get started.

Izzy: I'll go! I wanna go inside! I'll be like Izzy the hamster!

Gwen: Are you sure that's the best idea? Cody's the smallest, after all.

Cody: But I'm also the strongest. Observe! (He gets down on the ground and starts doing push-ups. However, it just looks like he's humping the ground.)

Trent (shrugging): Izzy, knock yourself out.

Izzy: That comes later, my friend! (With the help of her team, she gets loaded up into the ball. Immediately, she starts rolling all over the place, flattening bushes and flowers. Her whole team starts chasing after her.)

Courtney: Get back here, you moron!

Izzy: Ha! You'll have to catch me first! (Meanwhile, after minor debate, the Killer Redwoods decide on Tyler.)

Tyler: Yeah, baby! Time for the ultimate rush! To the cube! (He runs right towards the glass ball, but slams into it and reels backwards. He tries again and again, but keeps slamming into it. Meanwhile, Katie is standing around, when she gets a tap on the shoulder. She turns around, and sees Cody, grinning widely at her.)

Cody (rolling up his sleeves): Observe! (He gets down on the ground to do more push-ups.)

Katie: Please don't. I'm seriously not interested.

Cody: Just give me a chance to show you my skillz! Then tell me what you think. (He begins to do push-ups, but once again, it looks like he's ground-humping.)

Cody: Ha! See? I'm the buffest guy I—(Suddenly, he is flattened by Izzy, who is still rolling around in her ball, out of control.)

Izzy: Oops. I think I squashed something. (Chris observes all this and bursts out laughing. He begins the sign-off.)

**Can Cody ever win Katie's affection? **

**How many more helpless creatures will Izzy flatten? **

**The Final Four Alliance between DJ, Bridgette, Katie, and Geoff! Is it real? **

**For how long will the Screaming Ivy believe Beth and Lindsay's lie? **

**And what team will end up the rolling ball victor? **

**See it all right here on the next rolling chapter of**

**Total Drama Returns! **

**Eliminated: Heather, Duncan, Eva, Leshawna, Justin, Sadie, Owen, Sierra, Harold**

**In Redemption Cabin: Alejandro**

**Still in the Game: Noah, Katie, Cody, Trent, Lindsay, Beth, Tyler, Izzy, Gwen, Courtney, Geoff, Bridgette, DJ, Ezekiel**

**NEXT TIME: **More glass ball chaos. More lying. More injuries. More drama than ever before.


	35. Day 11 Part 2: Like Hamsters in a Ball

**Total Drama Returns**

The Cheesebub's Message: Six months. Six frickin' months. What to say, what to say… sorry, I guess? Let me explain myself. Not only did I suffer the greatest Writer's Block of all time, my computer also had technical difficulties. I had this chapter complete back in about March, when suddenly, everything disappeared. So I had to rewrite everything, and trust me, rewriting is very straining emotionally. Anyways, I hope you haven't given up on this fic, though you probably have. I won't be responding to reviews, and this chapter is somewhat short, because I have to leave for sleepaway camp in about ten minutes, as I'm writing this. But I wanted to give you guys something, so here it is. I promise another update in about three weeks. Review, if you can, but you are **certainly **not required.

**Day 11 Part 2—Chapter 35: Like Hamsters in a Ball**

Chris (wearing a striped leotard, running on a treadmill): Welcome back, folks! When you last saw us, we were just loading up our campers into their human hamster balls for today's obstacle course challenge! Teammates will be pushing their ball through obstacles such as dynamite, quicksand, and many other surprises. And now, as we return, I am enjoying a light cardiovascular exercise to get my metabolism running for today's hosting, all the while listening to the "Barbara Streisand" workout remix. As you know, exercise is important, children. So get out there and start moving! Yes, I'm talking to you, forty-year-old hermits that reside on Fanfiction! Get up out of your basement and take a walk!

Courtney (walking over): Okay, why are you running on a treadmill? (Chris squirts his water bottle in her face.)

Chris: Because it makes me look awesome! And this leotard is stylish. Now go away. This is a private area.

Courtney: You need to help us catch Izzy! She's been rolling around all over the place, flattening everything!

Chris: Not my prob—(Suddenly, he is crushed as Izzy rolls over his treadmill.)

Izzy: Woo! Nothing can stop the Izzy! Not even a leotard-wearing beanbag with a mouth running on a conveyor belt!

Chris (lying on the ground, a crumpled heap, in the remains of his treadmill): Hey! I'm not a beanbag! (He looks over at Courtney, concerned.) Am I?

Courtney: Nope. You're much more of a really squishy stressball. (With that, she walks away.)

Chris: Why you little… (Meanwhile, Tyler has just been loaded into his glass hamster ball by his teammates, and is teetering back and forth. Slowly, he steadies himself.)

Tyler: Okay, I think I've got it. Woo! Nothing can stop the Tyler now! He's the master of geometry! No! He's the master of mastery! He's the—(Suddenly, Izzy slams into his glass ball with her glass ball at the speed of light, sending him flying off into the distance and splashing into the waters of the lake.)

Izzy: I win! I win! (She continues to roll around, picking up speed.)

Gwen: The only thing _you're _going to win is our votes at the campfire ceremony! Stop rolling right now!

Izzy: Fine, fine. You old farts are always trying to ruin my fun. (She tries to stop, but can't.) Hm. Seems the fun must go on.

Trent: You mean you can't stop it?

Izzy: Heh heh. Nope. Sorry. (With that, she promptly flattens him, followed by DJ and Noah. Next, she swerves around and knocks over Lindsay, Beth, and Bridgette like bowling pins.)

Chef: I'll stop her! (He runs out of the Mess Hall, a machine gun at the ready.) I served in the army for twenty years! I ate nothin' but worms for a decade and a half! I lived in a ditch for three months! I think I can deal with this bitch! (He aims right at Izzy, and fires. A bunch of bullets spray out and slam into the glass ball, but it deflects them all.)

Chef: What the hell? That aint right! (Five seconds later, he is run over by Izzy.)

Izzy: Ha! Good old Cheffie! Always trying to shoot me. (Meanwhile, Cody, who was recently flattened by Izzy, is starting to wake up.)

Cody: Ow… what hap—(He is quickly run over by Izzy again.)

Izzy: WOOOOOOO! (Gwen, Courtney, and Geoff are the next to be knocked down by her.)

Katie (looking over at Chris): Chris! It's turning into a massacre over here!

Chris (grabbing at his gut sadly): Am I really like a beanbag? Oh my god I think I am!

Katie: Chris!

Chris: I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin! I shouldn't feel like that! (He pulls at his waist.) God. So stretchy.

Katie: Chris!

Chris (still grabbing his stomach): Geez! I'm like a ball of dough, just waiting to be kneaded into the pan!

Katie: CHRIS!

Chris: Yes? (Katie beckons to the wreckage behind her, where everybody is on the ground, moaning, and Izzy is still rolling around, cackling.)

Katie: Anything you might want to do about that?

Chris (shaking his flab): This?

Katie: No, Chris. (She grabs his face, and forces it over to look at the wreckage.) _That._

Chris: That? Hm, well, as we all know, kids will be kids. (He then walks over to the dock, and continues to knead his stomach.)

Katie: What does that mean? (Meanwhile, Chef has slowly gotten up again, and snarls.)

Chef: Aint no bumble-brained white trash gonna make a fool out of me! (He strikes a pose, and claps his hands, engulfing him in a puff of white smoke. When it clears away, he is now wearing his tight pink tracksuit. He then starts running towards Izzy, yelling a battle cry. Izzy notices him and laughs.)

Izzy: Ha! Back for another round?

Chef: Hell yeah!

Izzy: Well, if it's a fight you want, then it's a fight you'll get! (She starts rolling towards him. Just when they are about to make impact, Chef brings his fist back.)

Chef: Here we go, bitches! Super Princess Daisy Smash! (The two slam into each other, and there is a huge explosion of hot pink. When the smoke clears away, Izzy is lying on the ground in a pile of shards of glass, and Chef is standing tall, grinning proudly.)

Izzy: Ow… Nice one, Cheffie! My turn! (She then grabs his machine gun, and chases after him, laughing as he screams.)

**Confession Cam**

**Izzy: Ha! Good old Chef! He and I always have the best of times together. (She takes out a tightly duct-taped box.) Right, Cheffie? **

**Chef (from inside the box): YOU BITCH! YOU GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE BEFORE I PUT YOU IN MY NEXT SOUP! **

**Izzy: *sigh*… He has such an interesting way of professing his love. **

**(Static)**

**Courtney: Izzy and Chef? Most pointless conflict ever. The writers overuse it way too much. Come on! How does it advance to plot? How does it add to the depth of the story? That's right! It doesn't! And yes, I know I have nothing to do with it, but I can still rant about it! **

**End of Confessionals**

(All the campers are getting up, groaning.)

Bridgette: How much alcohol do you think Izzy was exposed to as a child?

Noah: More like methamphetamine. That's the only thing that would bring her to want to pop her boyfriend's organs like bubble gum. (He gets up, and there is a loud crack.) And there goes my pelvis, neck, lower back, tailbone, tibia, fibula, humerus, radius, ulna, and spine. (He smiles sadly, before collapsing back down on the ground. A few feet away, Katie is standing around when Cody walks up to her.)

Cody: Why, hello, m'lady… may I help you up?

Katie: I'm already standing up, you moron!

Cody: Don't mind if I do. (He grabs her hand, and pulls. This makes him tumble forward somehow, and land on his face with a crunch.)

Katie (sarcastically): Real smooth, Casanova.

Cody: Mmph.

**Confession Cam**

**Katie: I'm starting to realize just how much I'm surrounded by douchebags. And for some reason, they're all aiming their douchebag bazookas at me. You've got the Kellogg's Creep, a.k.a Geoff; you've got the ground-humping girl-guy, a.k.a Cody; and you've got the bipolar insomniac freaktard wannabe ghetto homeschool ass-wipe, a.k.a Ezekiel. (Suddenly, Chris sticks his head through the window.)**

**Chris: Damn, girl, that's harsh! **

**Katie (beckoning to Chris): Oh yeah. And there's this guy, who spends his time standing outside of the confessional like perverted, emotionally-trainwrecked eavesdropper. (She slams the window shut in his face, and continues to speak.) However, all I need to do is utilize these douchebags to _my _advantage. Shouldn't be too hard. **

**Cody: I think I've really impressed Katie today. I've shown her I'm the alpha wolf. The top dog. (He lets out a howl, and grins coolly.) Sure, I got flattened a few more times than I'd like, but so what? That just shows I can take a hit! Now, winning is inevitable! (He pounds his fist into his hand, and then shatters into a thousand pieces.) **

**Beth: I'm extremely worried at the moment. Courtney's been watching me suspiciously ever since I told that Duncan lie. Trent ate it all up, but Courtney… Gwen's right. Courtney's the dangerous one. I just need to make sure that I never let Lindsay out of my sight. If Courtney were to get her alone and interrogate her, I'd be doomed. So I have to keep Lindsay on a leash, like a dangerous dog. Maybe this lie wasn't worth it… **

**Lindsay: You know, a lot of people underrate me. But I'm a great liar! For all you know, I could be lying right now. (She gasps.) Am I? That would be so intense if I was!**

**End of Confessionals**

Lindsay: Ow… (She is rubbing her head in pain, a large welt appearing on her forehead. Courtney walks over, grimacing a smile.)

Courtney: Lindsay… you'd say we're friends, right? (Lindsay looks over at her, and shrugs.)

Lindsay: If I knew who you were, I guess we'd be friends.

Courtney: Well, as _friends_, our relationship is all about trust. So I hope I can trust _you _to tell me the _truth. _Can you do that? (Lindsay looks at her, and then looks around.)

Lindsay: Are you talking to me?

Courtney: Who else would I be talking to?

Lindsay: Him, maybe? (She points to Ezekiel.)

Courtney: Ezekiel? I would only talk to him if he were the last filthy male left on the planet, only to tell him that he's a loser and a waste of oxygen. (There is a long silence.)

Lindsay: So… are you talking to him?

Courtney: No! I'm talking to _you_! Now, I'm hoping you'll tell me the truth on this matter, since we're _friends_. Since I trust you, I hope you will trust me. Beth has been telling you some things. Am I right?

Lindsay: Uh… yeah! Wow! You're like… a genius!

Courtney (smirking): Now, if Beth has been telling you to lie about anything, you tell me right now. You won't be in trouble. But I can't say the same for her. Remember, I trust you. And trust is a two-way street.

Lindsay: I… (Suddenly, Beth appears next to her.)

Beth: Heh heh… what's going on here?

Lindsay: Ezekiel's talking to me about streets.

Courtney: _I'm _not Ezekiel! (She points to Ezekiel.) _He's _Ezekiel!

Ezekiel (grinning at them): I'm Ezekiel! (He waves cheerily.)

Courtney: And the whole "street" thing is just a metaphorical term. What I'm trying to say is that Beth has been telling you to lie!

Beth (innocently): About what?

Courtney: Don't you play innocent with me! I know you are lying about the duel—(Suddenly, Chris clangs her head between a pair of symbols. Courtney reels backwards, snarling.) What was that for?

Chris: It's time to start up the challenge again.

Courtney (rubbing her head in pain): Did you really need to do that?

Chris: You ask the stupidest questions.

**Confession Cam**

**Courtney: I was _this _close to making Lindsay crack! _This _close! And then that frickin' retard— (The camera cuts out.)**

**End of Confessionals**

Chris (standing before the contestants): Well that certainly was some fun we had, wasn't it?

Gwen: We almost all died because of Izzy! And the whole time, you were just molesting your belly!

Chris: Hey, I was generally concerned for my image there. And my image is much more important than your lives. Luckily, I realized that I shouldn't worry about pointless things like that. I'm beautiful, no matter what anyone says!

Katie: Even if we were to say you're an ugly jerk?

Chris (grinning proudly): Your comments do not affect me. I am beautiful! But enough about me, let's move onto the challenge, which we seriously need to get started on. Izzy's psychopathic rolling rampage really slowed us down. Anyways, after being fished out of the lake, Tyler's back, everybody! (Tyler is rolled in, grinning from ear to ear.)

Tyler: Izzy might've beaten the Tyler this time, but no more! Because Tyler's got the best team in the world! Let's hear it, team! (There is a long, awkward silence. Chris coughs awkwardly, before continuing.)

Chris: Now, Screaming Ivy, because you were not able to keep control of Izzy, you guys are now facing a penalty. Instead of pushing Izzy inside a nice, smooth-rolling sphere, you'll have to push her in a cube, instead! Bring her in, Chef! (There is a loud, earthshaking thump, and everyone turns to see Izzy strapped inside giant glass cube.)

Courtney: Oh, come on! Chris, you know that's unfair. How are we going to push that? (Chris, in response, clangs his symbols together, making her shrink away in fear. Meanwhile, Chef has come out from behind the cube, sweating heavily. He's now only wearing a skimpy pink thong, with streamers coming out of each end. Everybody gasps in terror.)

Gwen: And just when we thought his fashion choice couldn't get any worse.

Chris: DUDE! WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?

Izzy (shrugging from inside the glass cube): What can I say, Mclean? It's like he was skull-raped by a My Little Pony.

Chef: Shut your mouth, girl! You locked me up in that goddamn box! And the only reason I'm wearing this is because I got too hot. You of all people, Chris Mclean, would know what my hormones do to me in this heat. You got a problem with that?

Chris: Only a few, but whatever. Screaming Ivy, good luck pushing that twenty-thousand pound cube!

Trent: We'll have no problem.

Chris: We'll see about that. Now, remember, the finish line is down that wide forest path.(He beckons behind him.) Any questions? (Everybody raises their hands.) That don't insult me as a person? (Everybody drops their hands.) That's not very nice. Well, if nobody has any questions… GO! (The Killer Redwoods immediately start pushing Tyler's ball down the path, with the jock cheering and whooping as they do so.)

Tyler: Told ya this was the best team! We get right down to business! (Meanwhile, Noah is scanning the cube with his eyes.)

Noah: We need a plan if we're going to push this thing. I need to find the density and multiply it by the centrifical arrangement… Let me just calculate the measurements… (Izzy, from inside the glass cube, winks.)

Izzy: I'm a C-cup, Noah.

Noah: That's not the measurement I'm calculating! (He stops for a moment.) Wait… you are?

Gwen (rolling her eyes): Oh yeah. She's tried to suffocate me with her bra enough times for me to know. (She looks around, and scowls.) Okay, where the hell is Cody? (They all look over at the other team, and see him running and pushing the ball with them.)

Courtney: Why is he with the other team?

Beth (shrugging): It's because of Katie. The poor sap thinks he can win her over. (Gwen raises her eyebrows at this.)

**Confession Cam**

**Gwen: Cody? With a crush on Katie? Well, this is certainly a new development. (She shrugs.) On the one hand, I'm glad she now has to deal with the excessive amounts of hormonal saliva that the creep can produce. But on the other hand… what if she turns him to a mindless zombie that bows down to her every command? (She chuckles.) Nah. Not gonna happen. **

**End of Confessionals**

(Meanwhile, the Killer Redwoods plus Cody have made it to the first obstacle, this being a large staircase.)

DJ: Okay, guys, how are we gonna get up this thing? (Cody shoves him aside.)

Cody: Allow me.

Bridgette: Cody, do you really think you should be helping us so much? You're on the other team!

Cody (grinning smugly): Babe, there's only one team. And that's me and my ladies. (He winks at Katie, and rolls up his sleeves. Taking a deep breath, he starts to push.)

DJ: Um, Cody?

Cody: Quiet! I'm trying to concentrate! (He continues to push, breathing heavily. His face turns red, and his hands start shaking.)

Geoff: Uh, dude?

Cody: Do you not understand English? I'm trying to help the ladies! (He lets out a cry, and pushes forward with all his might. The veins in his neck throb, as his whole face turns purple. His whole body is racked with shaking.)

Cody: Must… fight… to… win…

Katie: Cody! STOP IT! (Cody stops, and looks at her.)

Cody: You called?

Bridgette: You're not even pushing the ball! (Cody looks forward, and sees he is five feet to the right of the sphere, pushing nothing but air. The geek immediately blushes and starts rubbing the back of his head sheepishly.)

Cody: Well, um… I was clearing away the air in front. Now it will be easier to push the ball.

Geoff (smirking): Sure, dude.

Cody: It will! Now, time for the main event. (He walks over to the ball, and starts shoving on it from behind, trying to push it up the staircase. Meanwhile, the Screaming Ivy continues to do nothing.)

Courtney (looking over at Trent, who is staring off into space): What do you think, Trent? You appear to be thinking about something. How would we get this cube to move?

Trent: Duncan would know how to push the cube. In fact, he could probably send it all the way to the finish line just by flicking it! The writers always favored Duncan… (He stares off into space.) Duncan… Duncan… always better than me… always showing me up… (He starts pulling on the sides of his face, moaning. Courtney starts hissing into his ear.)

Courtney (whispering angrily): Listen! That's all a lie! Now pull yourself together! Besides, you're better than Duncan! Now prove it! (Trent's eyes widen at this.)

**Confession Cam**

**Trent: It was in that moment that I realized what I needed to do. If Duncan comes back, he's sure to find some way to get rid of me. But if I prove how much better I am than Duncan, then everyone will love me! And then I will use this _love_ to _backstab_ every single one of the people that love me! And besides, what does everyone see in Duncan that they don't see in me? I'm much better than that jerk! For example, I'm better at… um… let's see… uh… I'm better at not being Duncan, for one. **

**End of Confessionals**

Trent: You're right. You're right! (He stands up, proud and tall.) I'm better than Duncan! Quick, team, assemble! Courtney, Beth, and I will push from the back. Once we lift it up, Lindsay, Noah, and Gwen will reach underneath to flip it over. Sound good?

Noah: That's… surprisingly helpful. (He raises an eyebrow.) What are you planning?

Trent: Nothing. I just want to help the team. Does Duncan ever help his team?

Noah: Well it depends—

Trent: NOPE! He doesn't! Does Duncan use 2 in 1 conditioner when he takes a shower?

Noah: Why would I know something like—

Trent: NOPE! Now, team, let's go!

**Confession Cam**

**Courtney: Trent has got to calm down. Ever since he heard about Duncan, he's been acting like an insecure teenage girl! **

**End of Confessionals**

Trent (as his team pushes the cube): C'mon guys! Let's do it! Push! Remember to breathe. That's it now! Push! Push, team, push! Don't forget to breathe!

Noah: "Push, team, push"? "Don't forget to breathe"? God, we're performing a challenge, not giving birth!

Trent: Well, at least when _I _turn a door handle, I don't sound like I'm going into labor! Er, I mean… (He whips out a note card, and begins to read off of it.) "You're a valuable asset to this team, Noah. Your quick wit defuses many situations, and your sharp tongue is a whip that I'd let smack my bare back any day."

Noah: Um... what? (He suddenly sees Trent's note card.) You know, when most people attempt to compliment others, they don't need to read off a note card.

Trent: Hey, being nice is new for me, okay? I don't believe _Duncan _was ever nice. (Meanwhile, Izzy is hanging upside down inside the cube, binoculars to her eyes, when she suddenly gets excited.)

Izzy: Hey, I can see the other team! We're catching up! I can't see much from this angle, but I recognize Ezekiel's buttocks anywhere. And my, what firm, juicy buttocks those are. Like two Tempurpedic mattresses. (Noah pats his butt insecurely at this.)

Trent: See? We've almost caught up with the other team! See what a leader can do for a team?

Gwen: You haven't helped us push the cube at all! You've just been running along side us, yelling out pointless motivational quotes! (Trent is about to say something, but instead, whips out a note card and starts reading off of it.)

Trent (reading off the card): "Gwen, you are one of the core members of our group. You provide a strong backbone to the foundation of this foundation's backbone."

Gwen: What the hell does that even mean?

Trent: How should I know? You know how hard it is coming up with compliments for some of you? (Courtney puts her hand to her forehead and groans. Meanwhile, Bridgette looks back, and sees the Screaming Ivy team approaching. She turns to Cody, who is still trying to push the sphere up the stairs.)

Bridgette: Can you hurry up? The other team will catch up to us at any second at this rate!

Ezekiel (gazing over at the other side of the path): Nah. They're not even close, eh. (He watches as the Screaming Ivies quickly shove their cube up the staircase, and then slide it down the ramp on the other side.) See? They just passed us. There's no way they'll ever catch up!

Katie: What are you talking about? That's means they're in the lead! That means _we _have to catch up!

Ezekiel: Hey, girl, you listen to me. I may be an idiot, but there's one thing that I'm not, and that's an idiot! I'd know if we were in any trouble. (He beckons to Cody.) Besides, Cody's my pal. Let him have his chance to prove himself, eh.

Katie: He's not your friend!

Tyler: He's friends with me. And together, two friends can stay united, even through the darkest of times. (He points to himself proudly from inside the sphere. Geoff tries to hold it in, but he can't help himself. He snickers. Bridgette immediately whips around to face him. Geoff looks at her defensively.)

Geoff: What? You gotta admit that's pretty funny. After all that's happened with them...

Bridgette (gritting her teeth): We're going to have a little talk, _Geoff_, about _respect_.

Geoff: Will there be cereal involved? OW! (He groans in pain as Bridgette grabs him by the ear, and drags him away.)

Katie: Okay, now we actually need to get down to business. DJ, take over.

Cody: NO!

Katie: We've given you enough time! And all you've done is produce gargantuan amounts of sweat for doing practically _nothing_! (Cody looks down at his pits, which are both soaked. Then he looks up at her.)

Cody: The ninja is ready.

Katie: Wha—

Cody: QUIET!

Katie: NO! Now tell me, what are you talking about?

Cody: In case you did not know, I have spent these last ten minutes working up my two pools of power. (He beckons to his pit stains.) Now the ninja is ready for the final smash. (He raises his hands up.) BY THE POWER OF HAKAONJI, I BRING FORTH THE DRAGON!

Katie: This should be good.

Cody: HAAAADOUKEN! (He thrusts forward with both his hands, and they smash into the glass sphere. Tyler screams as he is sent flying upwards.)

Katie (her eyes widening, staring upwards): No way.

Cody: AND NOW, FOR THE KICK OF TRUTH! (As Tyler tumbles back down, Cody sends his foot flying forwards. It misses. Tyler crashes down into the thickets to the side of the pathway. Cody grimaces. Then he smiles at Katie.)

Cody: Oops. Heh heh. I missed. (He nudges Ezekiel.) Heh heh.

Ezekiel: Heh. Yeah, eh. Heh heh heh heh heh heh-

Katie: Shut it! (She rubs her temples for a moment, before beckoning DJ over. Once he stands next to her, she points to the thickets, where Tyler's ball lays.) DJ, go down there and get the ball.

DJ: Wha-? No way, I can't! There are probably snakes down there! And, and, spiders! And dirt!

Katie: Have fun. (She shoves him down into the thickets. DJ immediately starts twisting around in the vines, freaking out.)

DJ: Help! HELP! (He continues to get more and more tied up inside the greenery.) The plants are attacking me!

Katie: Get it together, DJ! Now, move towards the glass ball. (DJ shifts his body over to that location.) Good. Now try to untie yourself. Once you do that, lift Tyler up out of the bushes.

Tyler: Yeah, man, and hurry. Cause I'm pretty sure Chris didn't punch any air holes in this thing.

**Confessional Cam**

**Chris: Who needs air holes? Air holes are a waste of time. Breathing is a waste of time. Did you know that breathing makes you gain weight? So no more breathing for me! (He proudly straps tape to his nostrils and mouth, and stands up, tall and confident. Two seconds later, he falls to the ground, unconscious.)**

**(Static)**

**Chris (pale, breathing heavily): Lesson… leaned. Humans….. need to breathe. Oh well. Doesn't matter. The campers don't need airholes. The campers aren't humans! They're just campers! It's all good! **

**End of Confessionals**

Ezekiel (calling down to DJ, who is trying to get himself untangled): Come on, DJ! Use those toned, tight thigh muscles of yours!

Katie: Yeah! We're not out of the challenge yet!

Cody: Heh. Like he could do that. It takes a real man.

Katie: Then I guess DJ's a _real man_. (She points to DJ, who is now leaning against Tyler's glass ball back up on level ground, breathing heavily.)

Cody: Wha-? How did he do that? (Katie and Ezekiel both run up to DJ at the same time, and hug him from opposite sides.)

Katie and Ezekiel (at the same time): My hero! Where did you learn to do that? (Katie and Ezekiel both turn and look at each other, glaring. There is an awkward silence. Finally, Katie shoves Ezekiel off of DJ, and turns back to the brickhouse, stroking his chest.)

Katie (in a seductive voice): So tell me. Where did you learn to do that?

DJ (nervously): My momma. Heh heh.

Katie (seductively): You know, I think this is the first time I've ever legitimately been turned on by you. (DJ sqeaks something incomprehensible, and starts to sweat. Meanwhile, Cody sees this, and his fists clench. However, he slowly gets an idea.)

**Confession Cam**

**Cody: As I've learned from my extensive history of womanizing, women are like light switches. You want to turn them on. Because when you turn them _on_, then the clothes comes _off_. And then you can come in and install your LED lighting in their ceiling. Okay, that's a very creepy metaphor, Anyways, if what DJ did turns Katie on, then all I need to do is replicate it! Cause after all, I can do what someone else does and make it ten times sexier.**

**End of Confessionals**

Cody: Hey, Katie! I can do that too! (Once he's got her attention, he rips off his shirt, before diving into the thickets in a perfect swan dive, disappearing deep into the bushes. The Killer Redwoods wait for him to surface. He does not. After a minute of silence, Katie shrugs.)

Katie: Okay, let's go, guys.

Tyler: But wait a minute. What about Cody?

Katie: Why should we care? He's on the other team, in case you forgot! DJ, start pushing Tyler up the stairs. Ezekiel and I will follow.

Ezekiel: This doesn't feel right, eh.

Katie: He'll be fine. Now, let's go! We're falling behind. (They slowly make their way forward, with Tyler, DJ, and Ezekiel all still wearing concerned facial expressions, and Katie indifferent.)

**Confession Cam**

**Ezekiel: Something strikes me as off aboot Katie, eh. Perhaps it's her lack of a moral compass. Or her lack of compassion. Or her lack of a conscience. Or maybe it's her lack of a matching top. Yeah, that's probably it. Zeke the Fashionista will help her oot, eh! **

**DJ: My motto was never leave a man behind. Didn't happen today. I left a man behind. Behind I left a man! A behind man I left! LEFT A BEHIND I MAN! (He starts to sob.)**

**End of Confessionals**

(Meanwhile, the Screaming Ivies have stopped at a rather clear part of the obstacle course.)

Izzy (from inside the glass box): Man, I don't know about you guys, but I loved that dangerous balance beam walk over a pool of piranhas! What fun! (Her teammates come up behind her, their clothing torn, bite marks covering every one of them except for Trent.)

Trent: Well, that was fun, huh, guys? Isn't my leadership great?

Gwen: Your _leadership _helped me end up with five piranhas clinging to my ass!

Beth: Your "leadership" shoved me into the pool and let me become the piranha's appetizer!

Noah: And if by leadership you mean using me as a human shield as you fought your way across the balance beam while I took all the blows, then yes! GREAT LEADERSHIP! (He gives him a sarcastic smile and an exaggerated thumbs-up.)

Trent (scowling): I tried, okay? At least _I'm _trying.

Gwen: You're just trying to get even more hated by your team, which I didn't even think was possible!

Trent: Well, at least we made it past. Together. (He tousles Noah's hair. The bookworm rolls his eyes.)

Noah: If you don't mind me, I think I'm gonna go burn my hair.

Trent: Don't be like that, Noah! So I got a little caught up in the moment.

Noah: _A little? _You were only thinking about yourself! You ran across the balance beam, waving me around like a sword, while shoving everyone else out of the way! And then, once you were on the other side, you started quoting Martin Luther King Jr.'s "I Have A Dream" speech to help "inspire" us to get across while we were torn apart trying to push Izzy through! How does that make you a leader?

Trent: Hey, Martin Luther King Jr. was a very inspirational man! And it worked, in case you didn't know. You should've seen the fire in Lindsay's eyes ignite once I started quoting him. Isn't that right, Lindsay? (He nudges her.)

Lindsay: What? Oh yeah! I, like, _love _Morgan Freeman! Those quotes were from "I Am Legend", right?

Trent: I wasn't quoting Morgan Freeman! I was quoting Martin Luther King Jr.! And "I Am Legend" is a Will Smith movie! Are all black men just the same to you?

Izzy (from inside the glass box): Personally, I thought you were quoting Chef Hatchet. He's had very similar monologues in the shower.

Trent: Okay, this conversation has gone to places I was really hoping it wouldn't go. Why do all conversations with you, Izzy, have to end up with Chef Hatchet in the shower?

Izzy: It's something universal. All aspects of life can be brought back to Chef Hatchet in the shower. I've actually written a whole article about it on the Total Drama wiki. Too bad it was deleted in the first five minutes. I guess Cheffy just doesn't want the world to truly know who he is.

Noah: It doesn't matter _who _you were quoting, Trent. The point is, you're a sucky leader. This team needs a leader that isn't an emotionally unstable egomaniac! (As he says this, Trent's eyes fill up with tears.)

Trent: I'm not emotionally unstable! It's just… Duncan… and… returning… and… WAAAHHH! (He bursts into tears, and runs off towards the bushes. However, on his way there, he trips on a root, sending him crashing forwards into the thickets. He continues to roll forward, before dropping right into a twenty foot ravine, screaming as he tumbles down.)

Courtney: Oh my god, TRENT! Are you okay?

Trent (from inside the ravine): DO YOU THINK I'M OKAY? Well, actually, yeah, I'm okay. Do can you help me out of here?

Courtney (nervously): Um… I don't know, Trent. That ravine's pretty deep… do you think you can get out by yourself?

Trent: NO! Someone help me!

Courtney: Sorry Trent, but it just wouldn't be beneficial if I ended up down there with you too. But we'll wait for you, Trent!

Trent: Thanks! I should only be an hour! (He starts grunting as he tries to pull his way up.)

Gwen: Shall we go, team?

Noah (grinning): Yes, we shall.

Courtney (whispering to them): _What? You're not actually going to leave Trent behind, are you? _

Gwen: He's going to take an _hour_, Courtney! The other team will already be at the finish line by then!

Courtney: It's not all about _winning_, you know.

Noah (raising an eyebrow): Whoa, I never thought I'd hear you say that, Courtney. Trent must really be doing some crazy things to you.

Gwen: Don't tell me you're actually falling for that loser?

Courtney: I'm _not _falling for him! I just believe that all humans should be respected!

Noah: And by "all humans" you mean "all humans that you _don't _beat over the head with a lamp-post".

Courtney: Okay, whatever! I kind of like Trent! He's just got that infectious goofy charm…

Gwen: INFECTIOUS GOOFY CHARM? (She and Noah both start laughing hysterically, leaning against each other for support as tears stream down their faces.)

Courtney: Okay, stop laughing! I just don't think we should leave him behind, okay?

Noah (still chuckling): Sorry, but we gotta go.

Courtney: Come on! Give him five minutes!

Noah: Five minutes? Five minutes and the other team will be at the finish line!

Courtney: It's not all about _winning_, you know.

Noah: *sigh* Okay, now this conversation is going in pointless circles. (As the three continue to argue, Beth watches from afar, standing next to Lindsay.)

Beth: Look at them, strategizing. Tell me, Lindsay, why am I never included in these talks? Why are you never included either? Why are we left out?

Lindsay: I bet they fear our complex minds. (She sees a bird, and waves at it excitedly.) Hi, Tyler!

Beth: No, it can't be that… what am I doing that's so wrong? Why don't I fit in?

Lindsay: Maybe you need to have a few more Slim fast shakes… then you definitely would fit in!

Beth: I'm not talking about fitting into dresses, Lindsay! I'm talking about fitting in with them! (She beckons to Courtney, Noah, and Gwen.)

Lindsay: Ew, why wouldn't you want to fit into _that_? That's, like, the strangest looking dress ever!

Beth: Maybe I just need to assert myself. Just walk up, and join in the conversation. That's what I'll do! Right, Lindsay?

Lindsay: Yeah! YOU CAN DO IT! Wait… what are we talking about?

Beth: You're right! I _can_ do it! (A confident smile on her face, she troops up to the Gwen, Noah, and Courtney, and moves herself next to them, plastering a big smile on her face. They all fall silent when they see her. There's an awkward silence.)

Beth: Sooo… strategy, huh? I like strategy. Strategy is what I like. (There is more awkward silence.)

Noah: Um, yeah. I like strategy too. Now, you know what would be a good strategy?

Beth: What? Tell me!

Noah: If you went and saw where Lindsay was at, you know, _strategy-wise_.

Beth: Okay! OMG, that's _such_ a good idea! I'll be back in a few minutes! (She races off excitedly. She arrives back where Lindsay is, and sees the blonde atop Izzy's cube, looking forward with binoculars. Beth frowns.)

Beth: Um, Lindsay? What are you doing?

Lindsay: I'm navigating the path!

Beth: Path to _what_? There's only one path!

Lindsay: I'm just trying to be directional, okay?

Izzy (from inside the glass cube): Yeah, let her be _directional_. Besides, I get a great upskirt from this angle. (She whips out a camera, and points it upwards towards Lindsay, snapping a few shots. Izzy turns and smiles at Beth.) I'm gonna make a fortune with Chris and Cody! (Suddenly, Lindsay starts running forwards, atop the cube.)

Lindsay: Hey, I see something! I see some—(She runs right off the edge of the cube and goes flying forward, landing on her head. Lindsay gets up, rubbing her forehead.) Ow...

Beth (muttering to herself as she stares down at Lindsay): Where could the strategy be in that tiny brain of yours… (Suddenly, her eyes light up.) Wait a minute. (She turns back to Noah, Gwen, and Courtney, and sees they've gone back to whispering among each other. She sighs, and sits down next to Lindsay in the dirt.)

**Confession Cam**

**Beth: They tricked me. I should've known. Of _course_ Lindsay doesn't have anything going on strategy-wise! They just wanted me to leave. They knew I was dumb enough to just run off with some stupid mission, as long as it sounded strategic! And I did. (She groans.) Ever since I've become Lindsay's best friend, I've been being treated like her as well! Like I'm just some… some _dumb blonde_! I need to start distancing myself from Lindsay, if I want to get anywhere in this game. It's time for Beth to fly solo. **

**Izzy (looking at the photos she's taken): My, I love me an upskirt. If I only I could get Noah to pose for one of these…**

**End of Confessionals**

**Outside the Killer Redwoods Cabin**

Geoff: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! (He yells in pain as Bridgette drags him over to the side of the cabin. She finally lets go of his ear, and stands before him, scanning her eyes over him in disgust. Geoff proudly starts flexing his muscles.)

Bridgette: Um… what are you doing?

Geoff: What? Oh, sorry, I thought you were checking me out.

Bridgette: No, Geoff, I'm not. In fact, I'm pissed off.

Geoff: Would making out help?

Bridgette: No! I don't even know what you've become, Geoff. You're a monster. Even worse; you're a bully. You never give Ezekiel a break! Stop making all those gay jokes about him and Tyler! Just cause you're intimidated by him—

Geoff (chuckling nervously): What? Me? Intimidated by Ezekiel? Heh, as if.

Bridgette: It's true. That's often the reason for bullying.

Geoff: It's not bullying, though! It's just simple fun!

Bridgette: That may be the case for you, Geoff, but not for Ezekiel. I heard some of his dreams last night, when he was sleeping with me and Katie. He was having nightmares about you, Geoff. About swimming through a sea of Frosted Flakes as you hunted him down like a hungry shark.

Geoff: He had the sea of Frosted Flakes dream? I love that dream!

Bridgette: His was a nightmare! And you do realize that all nightmares spawn from something that happened in your daily life? (Geoff his silent for a moment.)

Geoff (staring down at the ground, his eyes wide): Wow… I never realized I was hurting the guy so much.

Bridgette: He looks up to you, Geoff. You have everything he doesn't have; friends, a girlfriend, athletic ability, good looks… but you know what? There's one thing he has that you don't. A heart.

Geoff: Bridgette, don't say that! I can have heart! You know what? Ezekiel and I can be buds!

Bridgette: Really?

Geoff: Really. The dude _does_ know how to party, I admit it. And he's a legend at Twister.

Bridgette: Okay, good. Then we're fine, Geoff.

Geoff: Oh wait! I almost forgot!

Bridgette: What? (Geoff grins widely.)

Geoff: I have great news. How would you like to join an alliance?

Bridgette (rolling her eyes): Oh, boy. Please tell me this isn't that "alliance" with Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, and Cap'n Crunch. It isn't that, is it?

Geoff: Hey, the alliance of bringing me a delicious, nutritious, and hearty breakfast was a very important alliance! But no, it's better. This one is with humans. And you're a part of it.

Bridgette: Who's in it?

Geoff: Well, there's me, Katie, DJ, and… hmm… one more person… I can't put my finger on it… (He taps his chin.)

Bridgette (sighing): Me?

Geoff: Oh yeah! You! See, this is why you're gonna be so important to the alliance. Cause you've got the good memory! (He winks at her, tapping the side of his head.)

Bridgette: No.

Geoff: Wait… what?

Bridgette: I'm not joining that alliance.

Geoff: Why not?

Bridgette: Because Katie's in it! I don't trust her. And why would she want to be in an alliance with you and me? Seems a little suspicious, don't you think?

Geoff: She probably wants to make out with you. OOPS! Ha! I mean, make _up _with you. Why'd I say make out? That's classic!

Bridgette: She probably wants to vote me out! Geoff, why would you just agree to this alliance without even asking me?

Geoff: I thought you'd have a more open mind!

Bridgette: _Open mind_? Geoff, just last night she was talking to me about how I was next!

Geoff: Please, Bridgette, let me try to convince you. Imagine; the four of us, partying it out at the final four. It would be the ultimate experience! (He holds the side of her face, looking into her eyes.) And if Katie even tries to mention voting you out, we'll leave the alliance immediately.

Bridgette: You promise?

Geoff: I promise. And besides, on that walk to and from the arena, I really got to know Katie. She's actually a really kind, caring person! Now, let's go back and join the team. But first; do you want to make out? (He starts to pucker his lips.)

Bridgette: No, Geoff. I'm not in the mood. (She walks away, leaving Geoff standing there, still puckering his lips.)

**Confession Cam**

**Geoff: Darn it! I wore this Raisin Bran flavored lip gloss for nothing! (He licks his lips.) Oh, that's good. Mmm… (He starts smacking his lips, moaning with pleasure, before he starts making out with himself.)**

**Bridgette: So, I'm in an alliance with DJ, Katie, Geoff, and I. Never thought that would happen. Something's going on, I just don't know what. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Screaming Ivy**

(Meanwhile, Noah, Gwen, and Courtney are still arguing.)

Gwen: Leave!

Courtney: Stay!

Noah: Leave!

Courtney: Stay! Okay, we obviously need more opinions on this matter.

Noah: Why don't we call over the BFF's?

Courtney: Sure. I'm sure _Beth and_ _Lindsay _will be reasonable.

Noah (calling out to the two of them): Beth? Lindsay? Would you like to come over? We need your help with some _strategy_. (Lindsay runs over excitedly, while Beth slumps over, sighing. Once they're both standing with them, Courtney begins.)

Courtney: Noah, Gwen and I were having a little disagreement on something. We decided that the only way to truly settle it was to get the opinions from two _very _intellectual and important members of our group.

Beth (rolling her eyes): Yeah, yeah, sure. What do you want?

Courtney: Okay, so I think we should wait for Trent, because _I _believe in the decency of human-kind, unlike _these _two heartless creatures. They want to leave Trent behind, alone, trapped in a ditch, never to be—

Gwen: No way. You are NOT going to phrase it like that. Lindsay, Beth, do you think we should leave Trent behind or wait for him?

Lindsay: Weight? I like watching my weight.

Courtney (smirking at Gwen): Sounds like she wants to wait for him.

Gwen: Okay, all it comes down to you, Beth. It's your choice. Wait or leave?

Beth: All… comes down… to me?

**Confession Cam**

**Beth: The spotlight was on me. Everyone on my team was looking to _me. _Me! I had to make the right choice. **

**End of Confessionals**

Beth: Let's go.

Courtney: WHAT? (Noah and Gwen high-five, laughing.)

Noah: We'll go get the cube. (As they leave, Courtney grabs Beth by the collar of her shirt.)

Courtney (hissing into Beth's face): _You'll wish you never did that, my friend. You should've sided with me. Once Trent gets out, I'm gonna tell him __**you're **__the reason we abandoned him! You just wait to see what he'll do to you. Then I'm going to get your little friend Lindsay to snap and tell me the truth about the duel, before using her and all your other "allies" to take you out! You may think you're some sort of strategic little master-mind, but you're __**not**__! Welcome to the big leagues, my friend, you should've just settled for staying in the minor leagues. _(She lets go of Beth's collar, and storms away. Beth just stands there, shell-shocked.)

**Confession Cam**

**Beth: *sigh*… Wrong choice. **

**End of Confessionals**

(Meanwhile, Geoff and Bridgette have arrived back at the staircase, when suddenly, out of the bushes crawls Cody, covered in mud.)

Cody: Ow…

Bridgette: Oh my gosh! Cody, what happened?

Cody: I was trying to impress Katie… I tried diving into the bushes… ended up twisting my ankle… I was calling for help… but Katie told them to abandon me anyway, and let the vultures get me… (He sighs happily.) I love it when she plays hard to get… (Bridgette turns to Geoff.)

Bridgette (sarcastically): A really kind, caring person, huh? (Geoff just swallows deeply.)

**Screaming Ivy**

(The Screaming Ivy team is now on the move again, pushing Izzy's cube slowly around spiked pedestals rising from the ground. Courtney is walking ten paces behind them, her arms crossed, fuming dangerously. They finally make it through without getting scratched. Now, standing before them, is a giant fan, blasting a powerful wind across the path.)

Izzy: Hey, it's Mr. Fan! My good friend who helped me earn Owen the win in season 1. Man, we had some wild nights together. My, does Mr. Fan know how to please a woman... and men as well… You don't now pleasure until you've spent a night with Mr. Fan… My, does he know how to give a good "blow job". Ha! Get it?

Gwen: Thank you, Izzy, for another example of your disturbing sexual relations with inanimate objects.

Beth (beckoning to the fan): Just one question. How is _that _an obstacle?

Lindsay: Ooo! I know! Our hair could get like, messed up!

Noah (tapping his chin): This obstacle was obviously designed for a sphere. Imagine trying to push a ball past that! It would be rolling all over the place! I think for once, our cube helps us, instead of hindering us.

Lindsay (pointing forward): And look! There's Chris and Chef! (There, just one hundred yards away, is a couch, where both Chris and Chef are sitting, watching Wizards of Waverley Place. Chef turns around, and sees the campers coming towards them.)

Chef: Aw, shit.

Chris (leaning back, relaxing): Oh, don't worry, Chef. The campers aren't even close to us yet.

Chef: What do you mean? They're only a few yards away!

Chris: Ah, but there's just one more challenge they have to face. Unfortunately for them, it's an unseen one. (He starts to cackle madly, rubbing his hands together. Noticing Chef's disturbed facial expression, he stops.) Sorry. I've been watching too much of this show. But there's just something about it that I love so very much. Maybe it's the fact that they're all waving around dildos 24/7.

Chef: Those are wands, Chris!

Chris: They're long, thick, and they grant magical wishes. They're dildos, Chef.

Chef: So, what _is _this unseen challenge?

Chris: Shh… Chef, this is not the time to talk about the challenge. This is the time to watch Disney Channel. (As they watch, he slowly reaches out and places a hand on Chef's thigh. Chef stares at him. Chris quickly retracts his hand.)

**Killer Redwoods**

Katie: A fan? What is this? (They've rolled their ball over to where the giant fan is, and are now staring at it.)

Ezekiel: Hey, I think that's the fan that Chris uses to blow dry his hair, eh! I've always wanted to try it oot! (He runs up to it, and lets the wind flow through his hair. Once he walks away, his hair is windswept along the sides of his face, like Justin Bieber. He turns to his team.) How do I look?

Katie: Gay. Okay, let's go. (They push Tyler forward, and immediately he starts rolling to the side.)

Tyler: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa—(Right before he is about to roll into the thickets, DJ stops him.)

Tyler: Thanks, DJ! You're a real—(Unfortunately, DJ can't push against the fan's blow, and Tyler flattens him as he rolls deep into the thickets.)

Katie: NO! This cannot be happening again!

Ezekiel: It's happening again, eh. (The fan continues to blow Tyler deeper and deeper into the thickets.)

Katie: DJ! TURN OFF THE FAN! (DJ sprints over, and quickly shuts it off. But it's too late. Tyler has already landed in a deep ravine, off to the side of the path.)

Katie (stamping her foot): Great! Just great! DJ, why didn't you try harder?

DJ: Are you serious? That fan was more powerful than two of my mommas on a Tuesday!

Katie: Well, now we'll never get Tyler out! (She looks over at Ezekiel, who is whipping his hair back and forth proudly. She points an accusing finger at him.) And I've had enough of _you_, Ezekiel! You should've turned off the fan when you were over there!

Ezekiel: Why would I have known to do that, eh? And besides, now I've got my ultimate Bieber hair! I'll call myself… Bieber Zeke! (Suddenly, Katie sprints towards him, mud on both her hands.)

Katie: I'll give you a hair styling, you narcissistic little dweeb!

Ezekiel: Hey! Don't mess up the hair, eh! (He tries to dodge her flailing hands. They are both struggling on the ground when DJ calls to them.)

DJ: Guys, stop fighting! Look! (He points to the thickets. Slowly, rising up out of them, is Tyler in the glass ball, coated in mud. The ball is pushed up out of the foliage and onto the pathway.)

Katie: Um, how did that happen? (She gets up off of Ezekiel, who pats his hair defensively. Walking over to the glass ball, she stares into the bushes suspiciously. Suddenly, there is a rustling, and out comes a figure, coated in mud. Its eyes are blood-shot, and its hair is sticking upwards. Blood is running down the sides of its face.)

DJ: GAH! MONSTER! (He dives behind Katie. Katie backs away as the figure climbs up out of the greenery and stands next to the ball.)

Katie: W-who are you? W-what are you? What do you want?

Ezekiel: He wants my hair, eh! I can see it in his eyes. (He pats his hair defensively.)

Katie: Wait a minute… (She narrows her eyes as she stares at the figure.) _Trent_?

Trent: The one and only.

DJ: What happened to you, man?

Trent: What do you think happened? I fell into a ravine! Now, I'd love to stay and chat, but I have a team to lead. Wait… where is my team? (Katie looks off into the distance, and sees the Screaming Ivy way farther down the path.)

Katie: I'm pretty sure they abandoned you.

Trent: What? No, Courtney said they'd wait for me. She… she promised! They couldn't have abandoned me.

Katie: Listen, Trent… abandoning happens all the time! Teams sometimes have to leave behind their weakest link. Why, just an hour ago, we abandoned Cody. Don't take it personally, Trent.

Trent: No… I can't be the weakest link… that's impossible! (He pounds his fist into his hand.) They need me! I'm a leader! But I don't need them. In fact, they're _my _weakest link! I don't need any of them!

Katie (smiling): Well, maybe this was a helpful experience, Trent. Now you know you can't trust any of them.

Trent: I never trusted Noah or Gwen. And once Izzy got with Noah, I couldn't trust her either. And I was always suspicious of Beth and Lindsay's simplicity. But I thought I could at least trust Courtney… (Katie smiles sweetly.)

Katie: Well, if you somehow survive to the merge, there's always a new team waiting for you.

Trent: Wait… are you suggesting that I flip?

Katie: If you hate all the members of your team, why not? It would be the perfect way to achieve your vengeance.

Trent: Hmm… what's your team like?

Katie: Oh, it's great! We're one big happy family. (She turns, and sees Ezekiel fiddling with the knobs of the fan.) EZEKIEL! DON'T YOU DARE TURN THAT ON!

Ezekiel: But my hair needs more windsweptiness, eh! (Katie sprints over, and grabs him from behind, trying to pull him away from the controls. Ezekiel's feet smack her in the face, making her yell in anger and bite his ankle. As the two continue to struggle, Tyler glares at DJ.)

Tyler: I've never liked you, DJ.

DJ: What? Where is this even coming from?

Tyler: I've never liked your whole demeanor. Never trusted it. I've never trusted your nose. (He points at it.) It's too oval-shaped!

DJ: Tyler, this is so random and pointless. Why is this coming up now?

Tyler: I CHALLENGE YOU, DJ, TO A DUEL! (Before DJ can stop him, Tyler starts rolling towards the brickhouse, yelling battle cries. DJ screams and starts running away as Tyler rolls after him. Meanwhile, Ezekiel and Katie are still fighting, and Katie has pushed Ezekiel's face dangerously close to the fan's rotating blades. Trent stands watching all of this, and sighs.)

Trent (sarcastically): Yep. One big happy family. (He makes his way forward.)

**Confession Cam**

**Trent: Now I know I'm not gonna join _that_ team. **

**Katie: Hm… I think I made a good impression on Trent. After all, I know my team's gonna pretty much lose every challenge from here on out. We're gonna be down in numbers at the merge. I need to start gaining allies on the other team. And as much as it pains me to say it, Trent is a vote, no matter how vile he is. **

**Tyler: Listen, DJ… I'm sorry about what happened. It was just the heat of the moment, and I was frustrated. Do you accept my apology? (He sits there, smiling forward at the camera for ten seconds.) I said, do you accept my apology? (Still there is silence. Tyler glares forward at the camera.) DO YOU ACCEPT MY APOLOGY? (When nobody responds, he grabs the camera and starts shaking it.) I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE, DJ! ANSWER ME, GODDAMIT! (When still nobody responds, he sits back, crossing his arms.) You've made a very bad choice, DJ. Making an enemy of the Tyler is something you will regret. Mark these words! **

**End of Confessionals**

**Screaming Ivy**

Chris: Just when things were looking up for the Screaming Ivy, disaster struck! (The Screaming Ivy team all hear this, and look around.)

Noah: Did you guys just hear that narration?

Courtney: Um, no disaster has struck, Chris! Try not to make your narrations when you're stoned out of your mind!

Izzy: Hey, the ground is eating me! HOORAY! (Everybody swivels to face her, and sees her sinking into the ground, very slowly.)

Noah: …Quicksand.

Lindsay: Don't worry, Lindsay! I'll save you! (Noah stops her before she can run into the quicksand.)

Noah: We are _not _having that happen again. Izzy, don't panic, okay?

Izzy: I'm not panicking! In fact, I've always had a quicksand fetish. (Courtney looks over, and sees the Killer Redwoods, including Geoff and Bridgette, have rolled up to where they are, on the other side of the path.)

Courtney: They've caught up with us! We're doomed! (Meanwhile, Beth is tapping her chin, when she suddenly sees a low hanging vine. She gets an idea, and walks over to it. Smiling, she rips it off. Beth then ties the front of the vine, resulting in a thirty-foot-long lasso. She holds it up proudly.)

Beth: Guys, we can use this! If we can somehow lasso this around the cube, then we can pull it out using our combined strength. (Courtney looks at her suspiciously.)

Courtney: And when did you become Mrs. Helpfulness?

Noah: Give her a chance, Courtney. In theorem, it should work.

Izzy: BWAHAHAHAHAHA! (Everyone turns to see her laughing her head off inside the cube.)

Gwen: Oh god, she's suffering from hysteria!

Izzy: No, I just have never heard someone start a sentence with "In theorem". That's a riot!

Noah: In theorem, you're about to die, Izzy, and you shouldn't be laughing! (He glances at the cube.) To get the lasso around the cube, we're gonna need someone to climb on top of it. But who?

Trent: I'll do it. (Everyone turns around in surprise, and sees him standing there, holding the lasso in his hand.)

Noah (chuckling nervously, rubbing the back of his head): Oh, hey, Trent. Listen, about the—

Trent (his face remaining emotionless): No, I understand why you guys abandoned me. I forgive you.

Noah: Wait… really?

Trent: I was a nuisance to the team. I was the weakest link. I understand your decision completely. (He stares sadly at Courtney.) Now, all I want to do is prove myself. Let me be the one to save the day.

Courtney: Are you sure you want to risk your life, Trent? You could fall in!

Trent: Then let me sink.

Noah: Well, if you're gonna do it, Trent, can you hurry up? (He points to the glass cube, which is a third of the way into the quicksand.)

Trent: Of course, my friend. (He smiles warmly at Noah. Then, with a look of determination, he jumps up onto the top of the cube, the lasso in his hand.)

Gwen: Okay, you know what to do, Trent! (Trent stands there, looking at her.)

Trent: Of course. (He continues to stand there, the lasso still in one hand.)

Noah: What are you waiting for? Hurry!

Izzy (from inside the glass cube, looking upwards): No, no! I'm getting a great upskirt from his angle! (Trent stares grimly down at his team.)

Trent: I had a lot of time to think in that ditch, you know. About who were my friends, who were my enemies. I realized some things.

Noah: This is not the time for a memoir, Trent!

Trent: You are an enemy, Noah. As is the rest of my team. A team that would abandon a man in his darkest hour. Even you, Courtney.

Courtney: I voted to stay, Trent! It was her! (She points to Beth.) She made the deciding vote!

Beth: But… it wasn't just me! It was Gwen and Noah, too!

Gwen: Noah had the idea.

Trent: *sigh*… So much backstabbing, in just three lines of dialogue. A team so willing to throw any one of their members under the bus… A team I have no plan to be a part of. So now, you will face the judgment of your actions. (He stands there, as the cube continues to sink into the quicksand.)

**Killer Redwoods**

Chris: As the Killer Redwoods crept closer and closer to the finish line, they had no idea they were creeping right into the jaws of the awaiting beast.

Geoff: Awesome! Did you guys all hear Chris's voice in your heads? Psychedelic, man!

Bridgette: But did you hear what he said? Something about approaching the jaws of a dangerous beast!

Ezekiel: What beast? If it's a moose, I'll take it doon, eh! (Katie rolls her eyes.)

Katie: It's obviously a metaphor for something. But what?

Geoff: Mines.

Katie: Wait… what? (Geoff points forwards, there, in front of them, are a bunch of patches of upturned dirt.)

Geoff: Someone's been burying mines.

DJ (raising an eyebrow): And when have you become the expert on this?

Geoff: Have you seen the new Lucky Charms commercials? Now the leprechaun has resorted to protecting his cereal with explosives.

Ezekiel: Mines seem plausible, eh, but it could also be the signs of a colony of burrowing moose! They hide in the groond, waitin', before BAM! They strike.

Katie: Mines seem more likely. They're NOT "burrowing moose".

Ezekiel: That's what the burrowing moose want ya to think, eh!

DJ: So how we gonna get past this?

Tyler: I don't know, DJ! Since you seem to know EVERYTHING, why don't you tell us?

DJ: Dude, Tyler, I don't know why you're suddenly holding this grudge with me!

Tyler: Oh, you know. Mr. "Too Cool To Care". Too cool to care about a SINCERE APOLOGY!

DJ: Dude, I don't know what you're talking about!

Tyler: Whatever, DJ. But you better watch your back. (He points at his eyes, and then points at DJ's eyes, before pointing at his hands, then pointing at Lindsay's boobs.)

DJ: What kind of hand signal was that?

Tyler: An awesome one!

Bridgette: So, a minefield. Any suggestions?

Katie: Usually, you need to defuse a minefield. But we don't have any genius nerds! (Suddenly, Cody drags himself over, groaning in pain.)

Cody: I made it… it was difficult, it was painful… but I kept on thinking of my wonderful ladies, and I made it. (Ezekiel jumps in excitement.)

Ezekiel: Nerd spotted! (He picks up Cody.)

Cody: What are you doing?

Ezekiel: We need a nerd to defuse the minefield, eh! Go get em! (He tosses Cody forward into the minefield. Cody lands on his butt in the middle of it all. There is silence for fifteen seconds.)

Cody: Wha—(He is enveloped in a giant explosion. This explosion sets off more explosions, which all fuse together in a huge cloud of gas and fire. When it all clears away, all that is left on the ground is a huge scorch mark.)

Bridgette: That's one way of defusing a minefield. (Cody, meanwhile, is lying on a branch at the top of a tree, completely burnt, groaning in pain. As the Killer Redwoods roll by, towards the finish line, Katie smiles at him and blows him a kiss.)

Katie: Thanks, Cody! You're such a _man_. (Cody grins at her, and winks.)

Cody: All in day's work babe! (The branch he's sitting on suddenly breaks, and he crashes down through the tree, smashing into limb after limb, until he lands on the ground with a crunch.)

**Confession Cam**

**Cody: Score One for Cody! The way I cleared that minefield, I'm sure Katie was impressed. Yep, you can say I'm an expert at clearing minefields. Probably comes from all the MineSweeper I've played. At least, all the MineSweeper I've _switched _to when my parents come into the room. (He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively.) **

**End of Confessionals**

**Screaming Ivy**

(Noah glances over at the Killer Redwoods crossing the finish line, and looks back at Trent, who is still atop the cube with his arms crossed.)

Noah: The other team's already won! You don't need to do this anymore!

Trent: True, true. But I don't think so. I think it's time you truly paid for your actions. (He drops the lasso into the quicksand. The cube now only has a third of its portion sticking out. The whole team is silent as it continues to sink farther and farther into the ground.)

Noah: No… this can't be happening… not now… NOT MY GIRLFRIEND! (He starts hyperventilating.)

Trent: Aw, poor Noah. His first ever girlfriend. And he can know that _he's _the reason she'll never see the light of day again. (Noah suddenly whips around to face Trent, fire burning in his eyes. He reaches out with a hand, and rips off another vine from the trees. He ties it into a lasso, and starts twirling it in the air.)

Noah: Trent, get off of there now.

Trent: Oh yeah? Make me—(Suddenly the lasso wraps around his neck, and yanks, sending him flying off the cube and onto the ground in front of Noah. He looks up at the bookworm in fear.)

Trent: How… how did you do that?

Noah: I told you, Izzy brings out my wild side.

Lindsay: AWW… that's so CUTE! (Noah looks at his team.)

Noah: I'll save Izzy. Someone take another vine and tie Trent up.

Gwen (smirking): I'll be happy to. (Before Trent can stop her, she takes a vine and wraps him tightly to a tree, before shoving a pile of leaves in his mouth. Noah, meanwhile, uses all his might to scramble his way onto the top of the cube, which is now only a quarter out of the quicksand. He looks down at Izzy.)

Noah: You alright down there?

Izzy: Yeah! All these male upskirts… I think I'm in heaven…

Noah (talking to himself): Okay, Noah, you have to move fast… (Suddenly, Chris pops up next to him, startling the know-it-all severely.)

Chris: WILL NOAH SAVE IZZY?

Noah: Gah! What the hell, Chris?

Chris: **Can he save her before it's too late?**

Noah: If you quit talking, then maybe I can!

Chris: **What other surprises will happen?**

**Will Trent pay for his actions?**

**Will Beth regret her choice?**

**Will Tyler forget his grudge with DJ?**

**And will Chef stop wearing that pink track-suit and switch to purple?**

**Find out right here on the next exciting chapter of**

**Total Drama Returns! **

**NEXT TIME: **As the rolling ball challenges continue on, more rifts in each team are discovered. And in the biggest betrayal of the season, who will bite the dust?


	36. Day 11 Part 3: Rolling off the Deep End

**Total Drama Returns**

The Cheesebub's Message: First of all, there's a new magic review number. So keep the reviewing strong, guys, and you could very well be that magic review number and win your selection of an assortment of prizes. These prizes include getting to design your own episode, getting an OC included somewhere in this story, or getting one spoiler question answered (As long as it is not asking who wins Total Drama Returns). Okay, second, I've noticed that you can add an image to represent your story in that little box thingy. I'm not sure what I should do, but I was thinking of making a logo for Total Drama Returns. If anybody knows how to make a Total Drama logo, and would like to teach me how, that would be great. Also, as you may or may not be able to see, this is the longest chapter I've ever written for Total Drama Returns. Hopefully it doesn't feel too long, but it probably will. But it's a pretty dramatic chapter, so I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Oh yeah, and there's a new poll question up. Okay, onto the review responding:

**StylishFashionista—**Why, thank you. Thanks for the review!

**ChloroFax—**Glad you liked the chapter! Glad you thought it was worth the wait. So you think you won't like the next elimination? I can't say for sure if you will or if you won't… you'll just have to see! Thanks for the review!

**somebody and Guest (assuming you're the same person)—**Thanks! The merge is coming very soon, on Day 13, in fact. Thanks for the review!

**ChibiRox—**Yipes. Sorry the last chapter was confusing for you. I hope this one makes a little more sense. Thanks for the review!

**peacelovebackstroke—**Yeah, I once forgot my password, too. That really sucks. I'm glad you like the directions I'm taking Beth and Katie in, as well as Trentney. Hopefully you don't scare your dogs too much . Thanks for the review!

**Cottontop—**Thanks, man. It's good to be back. Best author ever? Aw, shucks. That's definitely not true, but thanks anyway. Glad that you're warming up to Trent, although you may not like him anymore after this chapter. That's okay that you're not a fan of Trentney, but I warn you, this chapter is heavy on it. Disturbingly heavy on it. Luckily, I had no technical problems with this chapter, so I was able to get it out quicker. But saving it on a USB drive would probably be a good idea :P. Anyways, thank you for reviewing!

**TotalDramaKingdomHearts—**Thanks, and I'm glad to be back, too! Thanks for reviewing!

**THE-BANNED-AUTHOR—**I like the new name. Anyways, Trent stoops to an even lower low in this chapter, and if you like Nizzy, you'll probably like this chapter. Maybe. Anyways, thank you for the review!

**Yman—**Thanks! I feel like the drama is heating up too. So, Lindsay or Beth? We'll see, we'll see. Interesting prediction. Thanks for reviewing!

**dreamerniss—**It seems most of my readers really like Nizzy, which is good. Thanks for the review!

**NerdyBARISTA—**First of all, congratulations on becoming assistant manager! I'm glad you still found time to review my story, even with your busy schedule. Yeah, I hate my computer so much now. Glad that you're looking forward to the big betrayal, because it's gonna be pretty intense. Thank you for reviewing!

* * *

**Day 11 Part 3—Chapter 36: Rolling off the Deep End**

Chef: Ahh… (He sits back, relaxing in his couch in the middle of the woods. Propping his feet up on an intern, the cook looks forward at the TV in front of him, which is playing Hannah Montana.)

Chef: This is the life… time to myself, relaxing, in the great outdoors… watching a show about a slutty pop star who changes hair colors every five minutes… nothing could be better! (He leans back, yawning with content.) This is just what you needed, Chef. It's always about Chris, and what his fussy ass wants to watch! But now it's all about me. And I'm gonna watch me some Hannah Montana! No Wizards of Waverley Place for me. (As the show plays, Chef eagerly whips out a Hannah Montana wig and puts it on.)

Chef: Gotta get into character. (He shifts his weight until he gets comfortable, before relaxing his muscles and heaving a sigh of relief. Five seconds later, a giant glass ball comes crashing down in front of him, crushing the foot rest intern.)

Tyler: Hell yeah! We made it! The other team is left behind in our dust! Woo! Woo! Woo! (The rest of the Killer Redwoods walk over, grinning. Chef jumps up, his face red with anger.)

Chef: AND WHAT DO YOU BITCHES THINK YOU'RE ALL DOING?!

Bridgette (glancing over at the television screen): I'd ask you the same thing. What are you watching?

Geoff (staring at Chef's head): And why did you steal Lindsay's hair?

Tyler: Did somebody say Lindsay?! Where is she? (He squints his eyes and looks around.) I should've put my glasses on today… (His eyes widen in delight when he turns to Chef.) LINDSAY! (Yelling in joy, he breaks through the glass of the ball and lands on Chef's lap. He raises his eyebrows in surprise, and bounces up and down.)

Tyler: When did you get such firm thighs, Lindsay? (He smiles.) Oh! You must be trying to be like your boyfriend Tyler! I've got the firmest thighs in all of Canada. (He clutches Chef's face, and gazes into his eyes.) Oh, Lindsay, how I've missed you so… (He looks down at Chef's chest.) My, have your funbags gotten bigger? I didn't think that was possible! I guess dreams do come true. (He wraps his arms around Chef's neck.)

Tyler: I tell ya, what with all the stress of the challenges and DJ causing so much drama, I barely have any time for the woman I love! I need to look at you with my glasses on, so I can see your true beauty with the best of my eyesight. (He whips out Harold's glasses, and puts them on, staring straight at Chef. He does a double-take, before swallowing deeply.)

Tyler: Chef? (Chef confirms this by growling. Tyler chuckles.) Oops. Heh heh. I thought you were Linds—(Chef's fist slams into his face, knocking him off the cook's lap and onto the ground.)

Chef: I'm flattered with the comparison, but Lindsay aint got nothing on me. Now I don't know what you think you're all doin', but I've got a show to watch!

Katie: Wait a minute. Are you watching _Disney Channel_? Don't you think you're a little old for that?

Chef: We all have our guilty pleasures! I'm sure you got some creepy radish fetish or something of that such.

Ezekiel: My guilty pleasure is bathing in butter. You don't know decadence until you've had a butter bath, eh. (Everyone stares at him. He falls silent.)

Katie: You shouldn't be watching Disney Channel. You should be watching Food Network, or something that will teach you how to make your food not taste like sh**! Not some shallow, glitter-encrusted, crappy children's show for pudgy, insecure seven-year-old girls!

Chef: Hey, I was once that seven-year-old! But I watched Disney Channel, and I became the soldier I am today. Disney Channel makes dreams come true! Don't you hate! Now you. (He points at Tyler, who is getting up, wobbly and confused.) Get out of the way. You're blockin' the screen. And you're ugly. (He points at a random teenager on the screen.) Unlike him. Now _that's _a good looking young man. He'd make his parents proud. I'm proud of you, boy! (He salutes the television.)

Katie: Wait one second. Where's Chris?

Chef: *sigh*… Why can't you teens be more like the ones on Disney Channel? They don't ask questions. They just look pretty and talk like they're high on Novocain. They respect their adults! Unlike _you_ bratty little boob-cakes who can't even tell their right hand from a square root! You've never had to work an honest day in your life! You've had everything handed to you on a silver platter! But not me. _I _had to _rip _off the fingers clutching that silver platter to get what I want! Then I had to rip off my own fingers, before stapling them back on! Don't say you've done work until you've done that. A dark future is approaching in America's youth. You can smell it in the air. It smells like _Axe_, and Sour Patch Kids!

Katie: All I did was ask one question!

Chef: And teens shouldn't ask questions! Cause that means I have to answer them, and that requires using jaw muscles I could be using for more righteous purposes! Like chewin' on Big League Chew. And I love me some Big League Chew. (He takes out a package, and stuffs his mouth full of it. He chews with content, making juicy sloshing noises. His mouth full of gum, he continues to speak.)

Chef: But it aint your fault. (He puts a hand on DJ's shoulder.) It aint DJ's fault he's got balls the size of two grains of sand! It aint DJ's fault he's been corrupted and misled by the idea that a man's assets are not of importance! But I tell you what. That needs to change. Teenagers need to be taught the right way! (He stands up on top of the couch.) They need to be taught strength! Honor! Dedication! The ideals of the Canadian people!

Geoff: *snicker*. (Chef glares at him.)

Chef: Why you laughin', boy?!

Geoff: Dude, I just can't take you seriously when you're wearing that wig. (Chef sits back down on the couch, frowning.)

Chef: Alright, that's enough. All of you are gonna stay here with me and watch some Disney Channel. Maybe if you see how _real _teenagers should behave, you'll rethink your actions! So gather around, and prepare to be educated!

Katie: But where's Chris? We just won the first challenge, and we'd like him to know that!

Chef: It don't matter where Chris is. It don't matter where the other team is. It don't matter where you is! All that matters is Disney Channel! Now gather around! (The Killer Redwoods look around at each other nervously. Nobody moves. Chef smiles grimly.)

Chef: Gather around, because if you don't, I'll add a laugh track to my life, just like in one of these shows; except the laugh track won't consist of laughs, it'll consist of your pained screams. (The Killer Redwoods quickly shuffle over.)

**Confession Cam**

**Bridgette: Okay, what were we supposed to do? I actually feel really bad for Chef. He's so lonely in life. He needs a friend. (She stops herself.) But that _doesn't _mean that I'm willing to be his friend. (She chuckles.) No _way_. C'mon, I have standards! (She frowns.) Did that come out sounding really horrible? Maybe I should just shut up. **

**Ezekiel: I don't care what they say! I actually really enjoyed Disney Channel. I was able to take notes aboot teen culture, eh. (He holds up a rock with a bunch of scribbling on it.) Using these steps, I can complete my transformation into the teen superstar, Bieber Zeke! (He pats his swoopy hair fondly.) First of all, I need a pair of super tight skinny jeans. (The homeschool proudly holds up a pair of tight pink jeans with sparkles on the sides.) These are Katie's, eh. Aren't they great? Second, I need to become a master in the sacred move that can only be taught through years of practice. The hair flip. Here goes! (He whips his head to the right, and his forehead crashes into the wall next to him. He rubs his cranium in pain.) Ow. I think I just got a concussion, eh. Well, that completes step three! Lose all brain cells and become a robot slave to pop culture! **

**Tyler: Man, I really need to start wearing my glasses more often. Too many close calls thinking random dudes are Lindsay. (He holds up a mop in his arms, and smiles at it, stroking its top with his fingers.) Isn't that right, real Lindsay? **

**Katie: Chef? He's a f**king maniac. He's like a deranged cross-breed between Paris Hilton, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Tupac! Where was Chris during all of this? And where are my skinny jeans? They all just disappeared. **

**Chef: Hannah Montana is an inspiration, okay?! She inspired me during the war. When my troop and I were down in a ditch, feeling hopeless, we just remembered these wise words. (He clears his voice, and starts to sing.) _Nobody's perfect! I gotta work it! Again and again, till I get it right! NOBODY'S PERFECT! You live and you learn it! And if I mess it up sometimes, NOBODY'S PERFECT! _(He stops singing, and wipes a tear away from his eye.) That song would always get us moving again. We won the war through that song. Hannah Montana is a superstar, a role model, but you know what else she is? She's a war hero. She deserves a medal to be placed on that ample, growing young bosom of hers! (He salutes the screen.) **

**End of Confessionals**

**Screaming Ivy**

(Meanwhile, Noah is still atop the cube, trying to fit the vine around the tenth of it that is still sticking out of the quicksand.)

Gwen: Hurry, Noah! There isn't much time!

Courtney (calling out to Noah at the same time): It's impossible! You'll never be able to do it! (Noah finally gets the loop of the lasso around the cube, and grins.)

Noah: Oh really? (He jumps down, and holds out the end of the vine.)

Noah: Okay, guys, everybody grab the lasso! We're going to pull together.

Courtney: Since when did you become leader of this team?

Noah: Since our previous "leader"… (He beckons to Trent.)… tried to leave one of our own players for the dead!

Courtney: Only after we left _him _for the dead back in the ditch!

Noah: We only did that after he left _us_ for the dead back on the piranha platform!

Courtney: He only did that after you guys left _him _for the dead after he blew himself up!

Noah: We only did that after—(He stops himself.) Okay, so our team has done a lot of leaving for the dead. But now's the time to change that! This challenge is supposed to be about teamwork. We need to come together as a team!

Courtney: But—

Gwen: Why do you always feel the need to argue everything? Or do you just get off on hearing yourself speak? (This shuts Courtney up. Gwen turns to Noah.) Okay, Noah, you ready to do this? (Noah nods, and the two of them grab onto the vine, and start to pull. Beth joins in, followed by Courtney, who reluctantly grabs on as well.)

Noah: Okay, we may not be strong apart, but our combined strength should get the job done. And PULL! (The four of them all start to pull on the vine as a hard as they can. The cube stops sinking, but doesn't rise any. Everyone continues to tug, but no progress is made.)

Gwen: Beth, where's Lindsay? We could really use her help!

Lindsay: I'm pulling as hard as I can! (Everyone turns and sees her tugging on Trent's arm, with the musician still tied to a tree.) This vine is impossible to tug on!

Trent: OW! She's dislocating my arm!

Noah (smirking): Actually, keep doing that, Lindsay. (Ignoring Trent's scowl, he turns back and continues to hold onto the vine. However, even with their combined strength, the cube is beginning to sink again. Noah digs his feet into the ground, but it still doesn't stop the four of them from being dragged closer and closer to the quicksand pit.)

Gwen: Noah, I hate to say this, but we're going to have to let go!

Noah: No! We can't!

Gwen: We have to! It'll be no good if any more of our team members are harmed!

Noah: Even Trent?

Gwen: Well, I don't consider him part of our team anymore. (The cube has now completely disappeared below the quicksand, and the vine is being sucked at rapid pace into the center of the pool. Beth finally lets go, gasping for breath.)

Beth (breathing heavily): I'm… sorry, guys. I can't… hold on… anymore. (Courtney and Gwen also let go, leaving Noah holding on by himself. He digs his feet into the ground as hard as he can, but he is still pulled closer and closer to the edge of quicksand. Finally, before the last of the vine is sucked in, he releases his grip, tumbling backwards. The end of the rope vanishes into the ground and the quicksand smoothens over after it, like nothing ever happened. There is a long silence, as everybody stares in shock at the quicksand pit. Finally, Lindsay speaks.)

Lindsay: Are we playing the silent game? Because I'm REALLY good at that! One time, I… (Noticing everyone glaring at her, she stops talking. As everyone stands still, Trent pushes his way out of the vines tying him to the tree. He walks over to Noah, who is kneeling on the ground, his eyes empty, and places a hand on the know-it-all's shoulder.)

Trent: Listen, I—(Suddenly, Noah whips around and punches him across the face, making a hollow cracking sound that explodes through the silence. His eyes filled with tears, Noah walks away, to go lean against a tree. Trent stands there, in complete surprise.)

Trent: What… what have I done? (Meanwhile, Courtney is wiping sweat away from her forehead when Beth walks up to her.)

Beth: Well, your boyfriend's finally done it.

Courtney: He's _**not **_my boyfriend!

Beth: Whatever he is. You might as well just throw in the towel, because even if they do find out that I lied about the duel, do you really think _anyone _will join your cause after this? You shouldn't have aligned with Trent, but now that you have, it's over for you. (She grins evilly, imitating Courtney.) You may be in the big leagues, Courtney, but you've got too many pars to score a touchdown.

Courtney: Okay, I admit you have the upper hand now, but if you're gonna do a baseball metaphor, at least know what baseball is!

Beth (shrugging sheepishly): Sorry, I'm not really a sports person. (Meanwhile, Gwen stands at the edge of the quicksand, reading poetry from her journal.)

Gwen (reciting): _Family passes on, like flowers in a storm, _

_Death is a burden, destroys all that is warm, _

_The fire moves on, with the strength of a single coal, _

_Trent is a f**king tool he needs to die in a hole. _

_Rest in peace, Izzy. _

(She stops, and puts away her journal. As she stares forward at the quicksand pit, Izzy walks up beside her, grinning.)

Izzy: That was beautiful, Gwen.

Gwen (sighing): Well, it needed to be said. (She doesn't look over at who she is talking to.)

Izzy: You were fond of Izzy, weren't you?

Gwen: I wouldn't say fond. But she just had this certain aura about her that was so powerful. She seemed so invincible. I didn't think she could just die like this.

Izzy: Yeah, that Izzy. Always so crazy. She had nice hair, wouldn't you agree?

Gwen: Um, yeah. Sure. Her hair was pretty.

Izzy: And her boobs. Now those were some pretty amazing things. I could've just played with them all day.

Gwen: What? No, I don't think about other girls that way.

Izzy: But don't you wish you could've just made out with her before she died? Just once?

Gwen: Wait a minute. (She turns and looks at Izzy.) _Izzy_?!

Izzy: Darn it! I was this close to getting a lesbian confession!

Gwen: What the?! Where did you come from? You're alive?!

Izzy: Ha! Of course I'm alive! Why wouldn't I be? (Suddenly, everyone else notices Izzy. Noah immediately jumps up and runs towards her. He slows down once he gets closer.)

Noah: You… you didn't die?

Izzy: Are you serious? I'm Izzy! I've been chopped into pieces, then had each of those pieces burned separately, and still come back to life! Actually that sounds like an average Tuesday. (The rest of the team walks over, with Trent staying slightly behind them.)

Izzy: Ah! All my friends! You all are here! (She looks around at each of them.) Noah, Gwen, Courtney, Beth, Lindsay, Lindsay's boobs… (She smiles at Trent, who shrinks away in fear.) And my good friend Trenton. Thought you had me, huh? But I'm back! WOOHOO! (She ecstatically kicks Trent in the crotch, making him keel over in pain. She smiles at him as he lies on the ground.) Fair enough payback, don't you think?

Courtney: Wait one second. How did you make it out?

Izzy: I don't think that's the question.

Courtney: Um, yeah, it is.

Izzy: No, I think the question is how _you _made it out.

Courtney: That doesn't even make sense! (She suddenly realizes Izzy has disappeared.) Where did she go? (Suddenly, from far away, they hear Chef yelling in anger.)

Chef: GET YO' DIRTY QUICKSAND ASS OFF MY COUCH!

Izzy (from afar): Make me! (There are then the sounds of bullets flying and Izzy cackling madly. The Screaming Ivy all look at each other.)

Noah (shrugging): Same old Izzy.

Trent: So she didn't die. That's a good thing. So I'm off the hook? (Everyone glares at him.)

Gwen: Once you're in Redemption Cabin, yes.

Trent: Listen, let me explain myself. When I tried to stop you guys from saving Izzy, I wasn't intending to kill her! I was just trying to throw the challenge! Because I hated the idea that I was the weakest link. Do you know what it feels like when everyone considers you the weakest link? You should know what it feels like, Noah. You were the weakest link on both the Screaming Gophers and Team Chris Is Really Really Really Really Hot in not only physicality, but also social skills and writing content.

Noah: Not helping your case, Trent.

Trent: I just couldn't believe it when you guys abandoned me. I felt the only way to get back was through revenge. And in doing so, I endangered someone's life. Your girlfriend's life, Noah. Maybe it's because I didn't like the relationship you guys had. But you know what? I think I now "ship" "Nizzy". (He chuckles.) Get it? I'm trying to sound like one of those retarded superfans on Fanfiction. (Noticing Noah's scowl, he quickly continues.) But now all I want is one more chance to prove myself. One more chance to show that I'm not all bad. That I'm better than Duncan. Let me be the leader for just one more challenge. What do you say?

Lindsay: I think I need more lip gloss. (She starts frantically putting some more on.)

Trent: Sounds like a "yes" to me.

Gwen: Well, it's a no from me.

Noah: And me. And Beth. Right, Beth? (Beth looks frantically around, confused.)

**Confession Cam**

**Beth: Suddenly, I was in another intense strategic situation! So I got a little flustered. **

**End of Confessionals**

Noah: Right, Beth?

Beth: Um… I'm Beth.

Noah: Um, yeah. You're Beth. (He shakes his head, looking back at Trent.) No. You're done being the leader. I elect myself as temporary leader, at least until today is over. Anyone opposed? (Nobody, not even Courtney, raises their hand.) Alright, then. Well, let's move on to the next challenge. (Everybody walks off towards the finish line, leaving Trent by himself.)

**Confession Cam**

**Trent: *sigh*… I get it. I blew it. And now it's only a matter of time before I'm voted off. (He looks down at the ground sadly.) And you know what? I think I'm ready to go. When Noah punched me, my life as a villain flashed before my eyes. And I saw so many things I'll never be proud of. The time I electrocuted Bridgette on her surfboard. The time I blackmailed Noah. And, more recently, the time I almost killed Izzy. I'm starting to realize all the horrible things I've done to people. Like you, toilet. (He strokes it.) I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the times I've used you. And you, window! All the times I've looked out of you! And you, floor! You shouldn't have to have me stand on you! ALL THE HORRIBLE THINGS I'VE DONE! **

**Courtney: I'm going to distance myself from Trent for a while. Let him gather his wits again. Instead, I'm going to focus on turning everyone against Beth. First, I need to finish getting that lie out of Lindsay. No, Trent won't be going home just yet. I need him around for just a little while longer. **

**Izzy: I can't believe everyone thought I died! That's hilarious! You know, I once faked my death back in my hometown, just to see how everyone else's lives would go on. The mayor stopped wearing his bulletproof vest, for one. So did my parents. And my school teacher. And Paul McCartney, Steven Tyler, and Bon Jovi. Why does everyone feel the need to wear a bulletproof vest when they're around me? It really perplexes me. (She whips out an AK-47 and starts scratching her head with it as she thinks.) **

**End of Confessionals**

(The Killer Redwoods stand awkwardly behind Chef, who is sitting on the couch, his eyes filled with tears as he watches the television. Reaching for a box of tissues, the cook pulls one out and blows his nose loudly.)

Katie (whispering to Bridgette): How much longer are we going to have to do this?

Bridgette (whispering back): I don't know. I'll ask Geoff. He snuck the TV guide from Chef. (She turns and starts whispering to Geoff.) Geoff, what's next after this?

Geoff (whispering back): Another seven hour marathon of Hannah Montana. (His eyes start to droop.)

Bridgette (whispering): No, Geoff, don't fall asleep! You don't know what Chef will do to you!

Geoff (whispering): But this is so boring, Bridge! And there hasn't even been a single cereal commercial!

Bridgette (whispering): There's been one for Trader's Joe's Cherry Almond Clusters.

Geoff (whispering): I don't consider that a cereal. I consider that a form of wicked dark art bent on destroying one's taste buds. (He starts whispering to DJ.) How you holding up, buddy?

DJ (whispering): Tired, man. If somebody gave me a teddy bear, I think I might just pass out right now.

Geoff (whispering): Well, stay awake, man. Do it for the alliance. We don't want any of our members dismembered. (DJ nods, and turns to Tyler.)

DJ (whispering): How are you, Tyler? (Tyler snarls at him.)

Tyler (whispering loudly back): I think you need to watch what you say, DEE-JAY!

DJ (whispering): All I asked you was how you were! Why are you hating on me so much all of a sudden?

Tyler (whispering): Sure, sure. You know what you did, DJ. I know what you know did. Your momma knows what you did. And what you did is something you really shouldn't have done! Your actions have a price, DJ, you must remember that.

DJ (whispering): What do you mean?

Tyler: You know what I mean. You mean what I know! (With that, he turns away from a perplexed DJ and turns to Ezekiel, who is watching the TV intently.) You holding up well?

Ezekiel (whispering back): Yeah, I'm fine, eh. Just takin' notes.

Tyler (whispering): Here. Ask the next person if they hate this show like the rest of us do. (Ezekiel nods, and starts whispering into the ear of the person next to him.)

Ezekiel (whispering): What do you think of this show? Do you hate it like the rest of us?

Chef: No. On the contrary, I LOVE IT! (Ezekiel suddenly realizes he is whispering into the ear of Chef Hatchet.)

Ezekiel: Oh. Heh heh. M-me t-too. Heh heh. (As Chef stands up, he backs away.) It was THEM! (He points at the rest of the Killer Redwoods.) They were the ones hating on the show, eh! I loved it! I could sing "Best of Both Worlds" by heart! Don't kill me! I'm Bieber Zeke! I'm a superstar! (Chef looks at the six Killer Redwoods, his eyes narrowing.)

Chef: You ungrateful little brats. I give you the joy of education! And you soil it! SOIL IT! (He pounds his fist into his hand.) WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELVES?! (While everyone shrinks away in fear, Katie stands her ground.)

Katie: What I have to say is that I think you're the biggest teenager of them all, Chef.

Chef: No I'm not! Do I LOOK like a teenager to you?!

Katie: Maybe not on the outside, but on the inside, you are. You're hormonal, you whine, and you feel the need to be angry at the world because nobody accepts you. I get it.

Chef: That's not how it is at ALL! You don't know me, bitch!

Katie: Oh, I know some things. I just spent the last three hours with you, while you sobbed your heart out watching an obviously staged piece of sh** of a show about mixing the everyday stresses of teen life with ultimate superstardom. I know you, Chef. (Chef starts to stutter, sweating. He looks around at everyone.)

Chef: I… you… (He looks over at Screaming Ivy, who have just arrived.) All of you get away from me! Stay away! I want all of yo asses outta here! (His jaw starts to shake.)

Noah (raising an eyebrow): Wow, Katie, what did you do to him? I've never seen him like this! So weak, fragile… like he could be blown over by the slightest touch.

Chef: SHUT UP, TURKEY! (He rips off his cook hat, and hurls it down onto the ground.) Stop entering my heart, goddamit! My heart's MINE! (His face is now bright red, streaked with tears.)

Geoff: Dude, it's all good. Everybody has those days. Everybody makes mistakes. (Chef looks up in surprise.)

Chef: You… you remember the lyrics? To "Nobody's Perfect"?

Geoff: Dude, I just watched that show for three hours. I gotta pick up some knowledge. (Chef's eyes soften, and he stops hyperventilating.)

Chef: Then… then my work here is done! I have purpose! I HAVE PURPOSE! (He then collapses on the ground in a sobbing, laughing mess. Gwen looks down at him, convulsing on the ground, and then looks up at the Killer Redwoods.)

Gwen (raising an eyebrow): We must have missed a lot.

Katie (smirking): Oh, just some Hannah Montana. Great show, really.

**Confession Cam**

**Gwen: Wow. I thought I was the only one who could turn Chef into an emotional, shambled wreck. But I guess not. Well played, Katie, well played. **

**Katie: I guess you could say I took a leaf out of Gwen's book when I reduced Chef to tears. But I tell you, that's the most satisfying thing I've ever done. And now I'm on Chef's good side. (She grins mischievously.) I could use that to my advantage.**

**DJ: Man, I gotta figure out why Tyler's been giving me such a rough time! Is it my breath? Maybe it's my attitude. Or maybe my manners haven't been at their usual high standard. Or maybe Tyler's just an idiot. That's probably it. **

**Bridgette: It was so cute when Geoff soothed Chef by singing those song lyrics. Now that's the side of my boyfriend I want back! That was the genuine Geoff, right there. Maybe I won't break up with him tonight like I was planning to. **

**End of Confessionals**

(The campers are now all standing around, waiting. Chef has gotten back up, and is leaning against a tree, watching them suspiciously.)

Gwen: Okay, so where's Chris?

Katie: Do you think we'd still be here if we knew? But what took you guys so long? We've literally been here for ages. (Trent suddenly steps out of the shadows.)

Trent: It was me. I tried to throw the challenge. My heart was filled with vengeance, instead of forgiveness. My team suffered a great blow to their morale, and I'm afraid that my selfish and impure actions have created a crack in this team that may be impossible to mend. Still, I look on to my inevitable elimination like one looks on at tsunami; you fear it, you hate it, yet you know there is nothing you can do to stop it, and in a way, you respect its silent, steadfast power. (Izzy walks over, and starts peering into his mouth. Trent looks at her strangely.)

Trent: What are you doing?

Izzy: Nothing. Just checking to see if you accidentally swallowed Alejandro.

Trent: What? These words are coming straight from my heart! I promise. (Gwen puts her hands on her hips.)

Gwen: Hm. Maybe I _can _gain some respect for you before you go.

Trent: That would mean the world to me, Gwen. Your approval is all that I've ever really wanted. (Katie stares at him oddly. Meanwhile, Tyler and Lindsay are standing next to each other, hand in hand, off to the side of the crowd.)

Tyler: Lindsay, I'm so glad I finally found you. There are way too many blonde people at this camp! But you're the blondest. I've really missed you, Lindsay.

Lindsay: Aww… I've missed you too, Tyler!

Tyler: I know you have, babe. (He suddenly senses someone standing behind him. His eyes narrow, before he smiles at Lindsay again.) Yes, Lindsay, this moment is truly magical. Nothing can ruin this moment. ISN'T THAT RIGHT, DJ?! (He whips around and lashes out with his hand. It smacks into Courtney's face.)

Courtney: Ow! What the hell was that for, you jerk?

Tyler: Sorry. I thought you were DJ. (DJ hears this, and walks over.)

DJ: What's going on here?

Tyler: Oh, you know what's going on, DJ.

Courtney: Tyler smacked me because he thought I was you! Now let me kill him! (DJ shakes his head at Tyler.)

DJ: Now you're smackin' girls? This has gotten out of hand, Tyler. Just tell me why you're holding a grudge, so we can work it out!

Tyler: There are thousands of reasons, DJ! For one, you're not a team player. You've never helped anyone on the team! NEVER! (This gets everyone's attention, and everyone falls silent as the Tyler and DJ continue to converse.)

DJ: Are you forgetting that I was one who rescued you when the ball fell into the thickets?

Tyler: Was that _really _you, DJ? Tell me the truth.

DJ: Yes, it was!

Tyler: _Really_?

DJ: Yes!

Tyler: Oh. Hm. (He is silent for a moment.) Well, look at your _shirt_! (He beckons to DJ's shirt, as if beckoning to some gross sewer animal.)

DJ: What about my shirt?

Tyler: Look at the logo. (He points to the "D" on DJ's chest.) Now, I may be a geometry expert, but I've never seen a shape like that! So what is it? Some figure straight from the very bowels of hell?

DJ: It's a "D"! As in _**D**_-J!

Tyler: A "D", you say? Care to tell us what a "D" is? (He looks around at the crowd, which has now formed a circle around the standoff.) The crowd would like to know.

DJ: It's a letter, Tyler!

Tyler: And what are these "letters" you speak of? Instruments of evil, wicked sorcery, perhaps?

DJ: No, Tyler. We use them to write words.

Tyler (looking around at the circle of people surrounding them): Does anybody else here understand this cryptic language this barbarian is speaking?

DJ: Tyler, this is ridiculous. Why can't we just settle this like normal people?

Tyler: Very well. We will FIGHT!

DJ: No, Tyler, I aint fighting you!

Tyler: C'mon, you big baby! Take me on! (He starts bouncing on his toes, making punching motions.) I'm ready, baby.

DJ: No!

Izzy and Courtney (chanting): Fight, fight, fight, fight…

Tyler: Hear that? The crowd wants this! (He starts raising his hands into the air, to get the rest of the campers pumped.) C'mon! Let me here all of you! (More and more people join in the chant, until everyone but Bridgette, Gwen, and Trent is chanting. Even Geoff joins in. Bridgette looks at her boyfriend, horrified.)

Bridgette: Geoff, that's your best friend right there! Why are you encouraging this?

Geoff: This is DJ's chance to prove himself to his girlfriend! (He beckons to Katie, who is standing off to the side, her arms crossed.)

Bridgette: DJ shouldn't have to prove anything! (Meanwhile, in the center of the circle, Tyler is now circling around DJ, bouncing around.)

Tyler: C'mon, DJ! Since you're so good at hurting animals, humans can't be that much different. Raise your fists and fight! (DJ slowly, shakily, raises his fists up. Tyler smiles.)

Tyler: There we go. (The crowd all fall silent as DJ and Tyler stand facing each other, both with their fists raised.)

DJ: Tyler, I really don't want to do this.

Tyler: It's too late for that. Now, excuse me for a second… (He takes out a piece of paper, and starts reading off of it.) DJ! The "D" stands for depraved, and the "J" stands for… I have no clue. Why don't any words start with J? Like seriously, J is an awesome letter! In my top twelve, certainly. Anyways, back to my speech. You have performed many sins during your time on Total Drama, DJ. You have shown arrogance beyond your years. You have literally obliterated a team from the inside out, until you were the last person standing. You have slaughtered countless innocent animals with next to no remorse. You didn't pass the salt at breakfast. All these sins are equally sinful, and they've added up, DJ. Now it is time for your reckoning. For all the horrible things you've done. I am your reckoning, DJ! In fact, I'm Total Drama's reckoning! I'm TYLER! (With that, he rips off his shirt, followed by his pants, and then lunges at DJ. However, right before he makes contact with the brickhouse, he is scooped up by two colossal hands and thrown backwards. The jock looks up from the ground, and sees Chef towering over him.)

Tyler: Hey, man, what was that for? We were about to fight!

Chef: Not on my watch. I can't be havin' you kids tearin' each other apart while I'm in charge. Then I don't get my paycheck! So put your pants back on. (He pats DJ on the shoulder.) You alright, son?

DJ: Y-yeah. I'm fine.

Chef: Good. Now, whenever you're in situations like that, you can always call on me, okay? And if I'm not around, just remember the words of Hannah Montana. They'll help you get through. (DJ nods eagerly. Chef turns to the rest of the campers.) The rest of you! I don't want any more of this fighting, okay? You can smoke pot, you can objectify women, but no more physical stuff. You got me? (Nobody speaks.) I SAID, DO YOU GOT ME?!

Izzy: Does shooting someone count as physical?

Chef: Yes, it does!

Izzy: Darn. (She puts down the gun she has trained at the cook's forehead.)

**Confession Cam**

**DJ: I'm really thankful of Chef for stepping in right there. That was scary, man. I didn't wanna upset my momma by fighting, but I didn't wanna upset Katie, either, by not fighting. It all turned out alright in the end, at least. But the sooner Tyler's gone, the better. I do not wanna be sleeping in the same room as him tonight. **

**Tyler: Okay, you want to know the real reason I don't like DJ? I'll give you a hint. Season 3, Episode 8. DJ and Lindsay were the last two people on Team Victory. This might sound crazy, but I know that DJ was trying to make his move on Lindsay. They spent the night together in a pile of bananas in the middle of the Amazon! That says enough. _My _banana should be the only one Lindsay is munching on! And I intend to keep it that way. **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris (over the intercom system): Attention, campers. Please all head over to the dock for your next challenge. And be prepared to be battered and beaten until your brain starts to ooze out of your head! Chris Mclean, out. (The intercom shuts off.)

Beth (looking over at Noah): What do you think he means by that? What do you think it could be a metaphor for?

Noah (as they walk in the direction of the dock): Actually, I'm pretty sure he just literally means we're going to have our brains beaten out of our heads.

Courtney: You shouldn't say that, Noah. If you're going to even try to lead this team, you need to keep a positive attitude. (They have now arrived at the beach, and she looks forward. Her jaw drops in horror.) Oh god, this challenge looks moronic.

Noah: Yeah? What's that you were saying about "positive attitude"? (He looks forward as well. Towering before them in the water close to shore is a giant circular platform, raised thirty feet above the water. On either side of the platform is a set of raised bleachers, one set with the Killer Redwoods logo on it, the other with the Screaming Ivy logo. Sitting on the platform are two giant glass balls as well. Chris stands in between these glass balls, grinning down at the campers on the ground.)

Chris: Welcome, my friends, to the Rolling Ball Arena! (He jumps down from the platform, and gracefully plummets downwards in the pose of a ballerina. However, he picks up too much speed, and he smashes into the ground face first, burying head deep in the sand. The host squirms around before he is able to free his head from the sand. Dusting himself off, he stands up.) Just pretend you didn't see that. So how did enjoy the first challenge?

Courtney: It was horrible!

Chris: You know, that really hurts my feelings. (He places a solemn hand on his heart.) As the host of the show, I strive so hard to create challenges that are fun, challenging, educational, and safe.

Noah: Okay, one, how in any way do you try to make your challenges safe?

Chris: Hey, the producers and I always make sure you're wearing the proper amount of sunscreen.

Gwen (rolling her eyes): Oh yeah, because when we're running from rabid moose we _really _care about getting sunburned.

Ezekiel: MOOSE?! WHERE?! (He whips out a machete.)

Chris: Put that thing away, Ezekiel. And sunscreen is very important, I'll have you know!

Lindsay: Oh. So _that's _why there are sometimes those strange men squirting me with white stuff!

Chris (looking away): Uh, yeah. Let's go with that. (Noticing the contenders staring at him in horror, he chuckles.) Just kidding! Geez, the producers wouldn't do that kind of thing to a contestant. Tom McGillis has standards.

Noah: Okay, and second, how was that last challenge educational?

Tyler: It taught us geometry, man! Shapes! (He points to the circular platform.) That's a triangle!

Noah: Geometry is not just shapes! It is proofs, cosines, graphing, and—

Chris: Know-it-all nerds that really need to shut up when I'm talking! (Noah scowls, but stops speaking.) Now, might I ask who won the previous challenge?

Gwen: Don't you think the host should know something like that?

Chris: Hey, I was busy building this! (He places a hand on one of the support beams of the platform.)

Gwen: You didn't build that.

Chris: You know, that hurts my feeling, too, Gwen. You don't ever believe in me. You don't believe that I have the power to innovate.

Noah (tapping his chin): Actually, Chris probably did build that platform. The supports are extremely wobbly, not secured at all. He obviously didn't use any mathematical equations when trying to decide how it would stay upright. Really, it could topple over at any second. All in all, it has the architectural capacity of a five-year-old. So yeah, I believe that Chris could have built it.

Chris: Thank you, Noah, for believing in me. Unlike _some _people. (He glares at Gwen.) So, tell me, who won? I would just watch the replays of the previous challenge, but I feel like I can trust you guys to tell me the truth.

Katie: The Killer Redwoods won, Chris. (Courtney looks over at Katie, before smiling. She turns to Chris.)

Courtney: Um, actually, Chris, the Screaming Ivy won.

Katie: No you didn't! Stop lying!

Courtney: I'm not lying! Why would she accuse me of something like that? (She looks over at Chris.) Who do you think is telling the truth?

Chris (tapping his chin): Hm. I don't know. You're both beautiful girls. (Noticing everyone staring at him, he shrugs.) Not like that would affect my choice or anything. I think I'm gonna choose… Courtney!

Katie: WHAT?

Courtney: Ha ha! Yes! (Suddenly, Trent steps out of the crowd.)

Trent: I need to do what is right. I refuse to watch this injustice any longer. Chris, we actually lost. The other team pulled off a beautiful victory centered on my own ineptitude in serving my team, this game, and my heart. (He then retreats back into the crowd, leaving Courtney very confused. Chris raises an eyebrow.)

Chris: When did _he _become Mother Teresa?

Trent: Since I almost killed a girl. It was then that I took a deep look into my soul, and realized—

Chris: Okay, I didn't actually want you to tell me. So, the Killer Redwoods have won the first rolling ball challenge.

Bridgette: So if we win this one, then there doesn't have to be a tiebreaker?

Chris: Yeah, see, about that… I lied. The challenge you guys just did was actually a reward challenge!

Ezekiel (rubbing his hands together): Great. What's our prize, eh?

Chris: Good question, Ezekiel. But before I answer that, I must say, you're looking particularly gay today. How'd that happen?

Ezekiel: Well, Chris, you're looking at the next teen sensation, eh! I call myself Bieber Zeke, and I'm all about the ladies. But in the end, my heart's with the music. (Grinning, he tries flipping his hair, but the propulsion of doing so sends him toppling over onto his side.)

Chris: Must you always have a new obsession everyday? Whatever, I guess it's better than some of the other Ezekiels we've seen. So what was your question? Oh yeah, the reward. And the answer is… you guys already got it!

Katie: No we didn't! We didn't get any reward of any kind!

Chris: You got to watch Hannah Montana with Chef.

Katie: That's not a reward! That's a punishment!

Chris: You also got to have a deep, delving look into his tortured soul tarnished by years in a war that didn't exist. I don't know what more you could possibly want.

Katie: I want a reward that isn't complete **************!

Chris: Yeah, I think that might be asking too much. So now that we have completed our reward challenge, it's time for our immunity challenge. (He beckons to the platform above them.) As I have said before, that right there is the Rolling Ball Arena. That is where members of each team will go head to head in rolling ball duels. It's pretty simple really. There will be three rounds. Best two out of three wins. Now, you're probably wondering how rolling ball duels work. Well, I'll tell you. Right after I have a swig of Vitamin Water. (He takes out a bottle of Vitamin Water, and starts taking gulps from it. For a minute, he continues to drink. Once he's done, he wipes his mouth off and sighs with content.) I love Vitamin Water. It's a crisp, refreshing taste that's low in sugar but still tastes great and gives me all the nutrients I need.

DJ: You could try hiding your product placement for once.

Chris: You already said that back in chapter 32, DJ. But either way, I can try hiding it with new Oxiclean Laundry Stain Remover Spray! Makes the stains disappear. (He grins a blindingly white smile at the camera, holding up a container of laundry cleaning fluid, before turning back to the campers.) Okay… what was I talking about? Oh yeah, how the rolling ball duels work. One player will be placed inside each of the two glass balls, one from each team. However, unlike the previous glass balls, you can move freely inside of these ones. Just run, and the ball will roll with you. Here's Chef to demonstrate. (He points to Chef, who is standing inside a glass ball near the shore.)

Chef: Chris, man, you sure this is safe?

Chris: Chef, I would never make you do anything that would hurt you in any way. (He pauses for five seconds.) Except for this.

Chef: Then no way, man! I'm not doin' it!

Chris: C'mon, Chef! Don't be a chicken! (He starts flapping his arms, making chicken sounds. Chef sighs.)

Chef: Fine. Here goes nothing! (He starts to run. As he does so, the ball starts to roll, picking up speed until it is like Chef is running on a treadmill.)

Chef (looking over at Chris): Hey, man! I'm doing it! I'm doing it! I can't believe I'm—(Suddenly, he trips over his own shoelace, and falls face first inside the glass ball. However, the ball has picked up too much velocity, so his body is smashed around all over the place. He screams as the ball travels off into the distance, entering the woods. Chris giggles nervously.)

Chris: Yeah. Just make sure you don't trip. So, the two balls will then be placed on that platform. (He points to the large circular platform thirty feet in the air.) The goal is simple, really; try to knock the other person off the platform and into the water by rolling into them. Simple enough?

Izzy: Yeah! Let's go!

Chris: Unfortunately, Izzy, you and Tyler cannot compete in this challenge, as you competed in the last one.

Tyler: WHAT? No, man, that's weak!

Chris: That's the way it works. It has to be all new people you choose for this challenge. Each team will pick one boy, one girl, and one pair to go inside the glass ball together. So, start choosing, and then we'll get started! Oh yeah, one more thing. Are of any of you wondering where Cody is?

Noah: Hm? Cody?

Katie: Wow, I didn't even realize he was gone.

Chris: Yeah, well, he's in the infirmary after getting obliterated by land mines. Would any of you like to visit him? (Nobody speaks.) Okay then. Well, pay him a visit if you can. I certainly will. I hear he's been taking lots of pictures with that camera that Harold gave him. And if I know anything about Cody, those are pictures I want to get my hands on. I'll bring this. (He takes out a bunch of deodorant sticks.) Used women's deodorant. Cody's a good business man; I'm sure we'll come to a deal that benefits both of us. If he's not willing to make the deal that I want, I still have this as my secret weapon. (He holds up a chart sheet.) All the female contestants' medical information. I'm sure he'd be interested in that.

Gwen: Please don't share with us any more of your perverted bartering stories.

Chris: Fine, fine. I was just trying to teach you guys a few lessons in learning to use your money wisely. Okay, pick your people, and then we'll head on up to the arena. (Geoff quickly turns to his team.)

Geoff: Dudes, can I please be the male? This is something I'll rock at!

DJ: Go for it, Geoff. You got this.

Tyler (crossing his arms and pouting): I should be competing. How else will I impress Lindsay?

Geoff: Be really awesome on the sidelines. Then she'll be impressed. Take off your pants or something. Girls love that.

Tyler: Or maybe I can hurl a Gatorade container at DJ. That will show Lindsay who's the man!

DJ: Man, don't even! (Ezekiel, meanwhile, walks up and taps Geoff on the shoulder.)

Ezekiel: Um, Geoff? Maybe I… maybe I could come with you in the ball? We could be the pair, eh.

Geoff: Listen, Zeke… I don't think—(He looks over at Bridgette, looking at him expectantly.) Er, I mean, of course, man! Let's do this! (He holds out his fist, and Ezekiel stares at it. Geoff chuckles.) You're supposed to bump it, man.

Ezekiel: You really want me to bump your fist? What if I don't do it right, eh? What if you're not satisfied?

Geoff: Dude, it's a fist bump, not having sex. C'mon. (Ezekiel slowly, tentatively clenches his fist and presses it to Geoff's.)

Geoff: Alright! There we go! (He smiles over at Bridgette, and she smiles back.)

**Confession Cam**

**Geoff: See? I have a tender side. And now that Bridgette saw that, she's sure to want to make out! Honey Bunches of Oats lip gloss, hear we come! (He starts putting it on.)**

**Ezekiel: Alright! Getting a fist bump from a cool guy like Geoff? Just another step on my way to becoming a teen superstar, eh. (He holds up his fist.) I can still the warmth of where his fist touched mine. (He licks his knuckles.) I can still taste where his fist touched mine too! **

**End of Confessionals**

Noah: Okay, guys, who wants to volunteer themselves to die? C'mon, let's get some volunteers!

Courtney: Is this you trying to be enthusiastic?

Noah: It's a stretch for me.

Gwen: Well, if _you're _so enthusiastic, you can volunteer to be the male for our team.

Noah: Heh heh. Are you sure that's such a good idea? What about Trent? (He beckons to Trent, who is sitting over on the dock, his feet dipped in the water, staring at his reflection sadly.)

Courtney: He'd just throw the challenge. He's got way too much of a conscience right now.

Beth: And that's a bad thing?

Courtney: Yes it is. (Noticing everyone glaring at her, she shrugs.) What? This isn't a game where you're supposed to have remorse! So, Noah, looks like you're going up against DJ. (She points over towards the other team, where DJ is being convinced by Katie to go.)

Noah: What? I can't go up against him! He's double my size!

Izzy: I agree with Noah. I think we should choose whoever is closest to DJ's size. (She pats Courtney on the back.) Courtney, today's your lucky day!

Courtney: I'm not the same size as DJ! And I'm not a boy!

Izzy: Whoa. Really? Wow, the revelations continue.

Courtney: And besides, I was thinking Lindsay and I could be the pair for our team. (She puts her arm around Lindsay.) How does that sound, Linds?

Lindsay: Aw, do I have to compete? I'm blonde!

Courtney: Stop using that excuse! It makes no sense!

Lindsay: Being blonde is more difficult than you know, Courtney. The internal struggles that come from it are, like, really intense!

Courtney: Will you be my partner or not?

Lindsay: I guess. But if my hair gets messed up, I'm never trusting you again.

Beth (nervously): Um, are you sure you want to do this, Lindsay? Why don't you go with me?

Lindsay: Duh! Because Beth's my best friend! (She beckons to Courtney.)

Beth: She's not Beth! _I'm _Beth!

Lindsay: Silly Beth. Beth is Beth and she's Beth and Beth is my best friend.

Beth: Um… what?

Courtney: Okay, that settles it. If you want to compete so badly, Beth, you can be our solo female.

Beth: I don't know if that's such a good idea. I wouldn't be very good at this sort of thing. (Suddenly, Izzy comes up behind Beth, massaging the farm girl's shoulders.)

Izzy: Don't worry, Bethy Boy. Izzy can introduce you to the dark art that is the rolling ball. By the time Izzy is done with you, you will know balls like you've never known balls before. (Before Beth can protest, Izzy picks her up and slings her over her shoulders, walking away.)

**Confession Cam**

**Beth: I do not feel comfortable with Courtney spending that much alone time with Lindsay. I mean, I'm not worried about the lie anymore, Lindsay's proven she can deal with that. But Lindsay's mind is very easily manipulated. If you tell her something, she tends to believe it. **

**Noah: So it looks like I have to go up against the brickhouse. Yay me. But you know what? Maybe I'm not as nonathletic as everyone says I am. Maybe I can prove that I _am _an athlete! (He stands up, determination in his eyes. He continues to stand there, not moving. Noah looks at the camera.) I think I just tore my spinal cord. **

**Bridgette: Unfortunately, I have to be the female representative for my team. All I can say is… I hope to god it's Courtney. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Rolling Ball Arena**

Chris: Welcome to the Rolling Ball Arena! (The campers are now thirty feet in the air, sitting in either the Killer Redwoods bleachers or the Screaming Ivy bleachers.)

Chris: Don't you just love it up here? The breeze… You can just feel it rushing across your face… (He leans back, letting the wind blow his hair back. Suddenly, he is hit with a splat of white across his face. Chris looks up to a seagull flying off. He curses to himself as the campers burst into laughter.)

Chris: Fine! All of you laugh at me! But _I'll _have the last laugh. Okay, I need Noah and DJ, to center stage! (As Noah and DJ nervously climb down from the bleachers, they are both given pats on the back from their teammates.)

Katie (whispering to DJ): You better not be defeated by that scrawny wimp. (DJ just nods and chuckles nervously. As Noah walks by his row of teammates, Tyler suddenly appears standing before him, right before he makes his way onto the platform. The jock places two hands on Noah's shoulders.)

Tyler (whispering to Noah): You got this, my man. No fear. No relent. No compassion. All testosterone.

Noah: Thank you, but what the hell are you doing on our side? Where did you even come from?

Tyler: You really think I'd root for DJ? No, Noah, you gotta win me back my honor. Fight for your family! Fight for your future! Fight for all that is manly!

Noah: Got it. (Tyler's eyes fill with tears as Noah walks by.)

Tyler: That's a good man. (He looks out at the Screaming Ivy members scattered across the bleachers.) THAT IS A GOOD MAN! (He raises his hands to the sky.) LET ME HEAR A "WOOT WOOT"! (Gwen, Beth, Izzy, Courtney, and Lindsay all remain silent. Tyler goes again.) I'll try something else. LET ME HEAR A "GO NOAH"! (Still nobody speaks. Tyler slumps his shoulders, and walks up the steps of the bleachers until he reaches the top row. He then sits down next to Izzy.)

Tyler: I can't believe no one wanted to join in the chant. Back at my high school I was the leader of all the pep rallies!

Izzy: Well, I thought you were pretty good at getting the crowd fired up.

Tyler: Really? You really think so?

Izzy: Of course! And now that you're part of the Screaming Ivy, at least for now, here's your welcome gift.

Tyler: Awesome! A welcome gift? What is it? (In response, Izzy takes out a piranha, and stuffs it into his shirt. Tyler screams, and runs around as it squirms inside.)

Tyler: HELP! IT'S BITING MY NIPPLES! IT'S BITING MY NIPPLES! (He continues to run around until he trips over the seats in front of him, and goes tumbling down the bleachers from the very top row until he reaches the bottom, bruised and bloody. He then stands up, wobbling around. Chris sighs.)

Chris: Tyler, can we put you anywhere where you won't get injured?

Tyler: I'm not injured! On the contrary I've never felt more alive! (He yells over at Noah, who is now standing on the platform with DJ.) YOU GOT THIS, NOAH! NEVER SURRENDER!

Katie (from the Killer Redwoods side): Stop it, Tyler! You're making yourself look like an idiot! Now get back on our side!

Tyler: NO! They respect me over here. Unlike you guys, they actually care about what I have to say! They care about my feelings! (Katie looks over at Gwen, who shakes her head. Tyler is now yelling at Noah some more.) NOAH, REMEMBER WHAT I TOLD YOU! I BELIEVE IN YOU LIKE A MOTHER BIRD BELIEVES IN HER OFFSPRING!

Noah: Yeah… I don't know that guy.

Chris: Don't try to deny it, Noah. Okay, Noah, DJ, it's time to get inside your glass balls. Chef! Care to help? (Grumbling, Chef walks over, wearing only a towel around his waist and a shower cap. He is still bruised from his experience with the glass ball.)

Chris: Why do you look like you're about to take a bath?

Chef: Because I am! The moment this stupid challenge is done, I'm gonna get me the biggest bubble bath yall ever seen. (As he says this, he walks over and grabs Noah. He then opens a hatch to the first glass ball, and stuffs the bookworm inside.)

Chris: No, Chef! You use too much of the water!

Chef: Well, that's just too bad, aint it? (He grabs DJ and stuffs the animal lover into the other glass ball.) And there better not be another power outage because of you usin' that big ass fan of yours to blow-dry your gay-ass hair.

Chris: Mr. Fan does more than that! Mr. Fan is my friend. Speaking of which… (He presses a button on his remote control, and a platform with a giant fan on top of it moves upwards and stops when it is level with the main platform. The fan points ominously at DJ and Noah.)

Chris: I forgot to mention. Each round there will be a twist. I'm sure you already know what happens when I turn it on.

Izzy (her eyes looking off into the distance): You're immediately lost in a paradise of wind-rushing lust. (She licks her lips.)

Chris (staring at her): Um, yeah. That's one use. How do you know so much about Mr. Fan?

Izzy: Mr. Fan and I were together for a year, after he helped me get Owen the win in season 1. I didn't see him after we broke up until just today during the previous challenge. And now all the memories are flooding back…

Chris: Well, back off! Mr. Fan is mine! I'm the only one who's getting blown tonight! Okay, that sounds really wrong.

Izzy (her eyes glinting): We'll see about that. (Noah is listening to all of this with a slightly jealous facial expression.)

Chris: Okay, anyways, here's the twist of this round. As you guys try to knock each other off the platform, Mr. Fan will be rotating around, randomly letting loose blasts of air that could very well send you straight into the lake. So that's something to watch out for. Ready to go?

Tyler: HELL YEAH!

Chris: I'm not talking to you, Tyler. I'm talking to Noah and DJ. (He beckons to the two of them, who are now at opposite of ends of the platform, wobbling uncomfortably. He calls out to them.) You guys ready?

Noah: I guess…

DJ: Sure…

Noah: Now I'm not so sure…

DJ: Neither am I…

Noah: Okay, I'm good now…

DJ: Me too.

Chris: Wow. What fierce, bloodthirsty competitors they are. Well, if you guys are ready… Chef, blow the battle horn! (Chef blows into a saxophone, making a squeaky dying noise. Chris is incredulous.) That's the battle horn?

Chef: Hell yeah! And I'm tryin' to learn the sax, so don't you hate.

Noah: That's Chef's life. Bubble baths and saxophones. The life of a true army veteran. (He chuckles at his own joke.)

Chef: Shut it, boy! You're supposed to be fighting already! (Noah turns and sees DJ wobbly rolling towards him. Noah screams, and tries to roll away. He starts rolling around the perimeter of the platform, as DJ rolls after him, going at about three miles an hour.)

Courtney: C'mon, guys! I WANNA SEE BLOOD!

Chris: Are you gonna yell that during every duel? Seriously, what is so fascinating to you about blood? There are many bodily fluids that are much more interesting.

Courtney: I don't even want to know what you mean by that, you sicko. (Meanwhile, the fan has come to halt, and lets loose a blast that sends DJ flying into Noah, knocking the know-it-all just inches away from the edge.)

DJ: Whoops. Sorry.

Katie: What are you doing apologizing? Go in for the kill hit! (But Noah has now moved back to the center, so it is too late for that. The fan shifts positions, and starts blowing straight at DJ, sending him straight past Noah and making him almost topple over the edge. The brickhouse is able to regain his composure, and rolls over to Noah, so that the two are now facing each other.)

DJ: I don't wanna hurt you, man.

Noah: I don't want to get hurt!

Chris (looking at the teams): Seriously? These were the "men" you chose to represent your teams? Weak.

DJ: Listen, how about we don't try to attack each other? Just see who can keep the fan from knocking them off.

Noah: Sounds good to me.

Courtney: Are you serious? This is pathetic! (But Noah and DJ move to opposite sides of the platform, not listening to her. The two then stand there, waiting for the next blast of wind.)

Tyler: Alright, Noah! Taking the estrogen approach! It's all good! (Meanwhile, in the bleachers, Courtney is fuming.)

Courtney: This is ridiculous. What a couple of pansies. (Then she sees Lindsay sitting by herself, and smiles.) Might as well try now rather than later. (She stands up, and walks over to sit down next to Lindsay. Once she's next to the blonde, she smiles.)

Courtney: Getting ready for the challenge, Lindsay? (Lindsay stares forward, not responding.) I said, getting ready for the challenge, Lindsay? (Lindsay continues to stare forward. Courtney scowls.) ARE YOU GETTING READY FOR THE CHALLENGE, LINDSAY?!

Lindsay: What? Oh, sorry. I didn't know you were talking to me.

Courtney: Well, I am! (She forces a smile and says.) You know, when I'm getting ready for challenges, I like to use meditation.

Lindsay: Really?

Courtney: Oh, yeah. Here, why don't we try meditating? Close your eyes… (Lindsay closes her eyes.) Now try to relax… (Lindsay lets out a deep breath.) Block out all sound…

Tyler (from down at the bottom row of bleachers): C'MON, NOAH! DON'T LET THE FAN GET THE BETTER OF YOU!

Courtney (yelling at Tyler): Will you shut it, you jock strap?! We're meditating here!

Tyler: No way! YOU'LL NEVER RESTRAIN THE BEAST THAT IS TYLER!

Courtney: Just quiet down! (She looks back at Lindsay.) Now, I find that meditating works really well if you think about a past experience. So I'm going to paint a picture for you… imagine it in your mind. (Lindsay nods, but then looks confused.)

Lindsay: Wait, so I forget. Do I imagine it in my mind, or do I mind it in my imagination?

Courtney (rolling her eyes): Whatever works best for you. So, close your eyes again. (Lindsay does so.) Okay… we're walking down a path. It's late at night. The moon is high in the sky. We're going to see a duel. Now, we arrive at the arena where this duel will take place. We enter. Now it's your turn. What do you see?

Lindsay: I see… I see an arena!

Courtney: Um, yeah. That's what I just said. Now, what else do you see? Or rather, who's there?

Lindsay: I'm there! There I am! Hi me! (She waves at midair, her eyes still closed.)

Courtney (rubbing her temples): Who else?

Lindsay: Hmm… there's this really creepy guy staring at my chest.

Courtney: Hm. Could be Duncan, but it's probably Chris. Anybody else?

Lindsay: Well, there's this really stoned looking banana…

Courtney (her eyes gleaming): Ah, yes. She must be talking about Geoff. Now, there are competitors, am I correct? Tell me who these competitors are.

Lindsay: I see… I see… I see a naked ostrich with glasses!

Courtney: Yes, yes! That must be Harold! And tell me, who's the other competitor? Who is he?

Lindsay: It's… it's…

Courtney: Yes? Yes?

Lindsay: It's—(Her eyes suddenly burst open.) I know what you're trying to do! But it won't work! My mind is more powerful than that! Duncan returned and he beat Harold and Harold lost and Duncan won!

Courtney: Oh, c'mon! Just confess it already! There's no way Duncan could've been the competitor! Say it!

Lindsay: No! NO! (Courtney is about to yell even louder, but instead she calms down. Forcing a smile, she takes out a rock with the word "Magazine" painted on it in red. Lindsay immediately claps her hands in excitement.)

Lindsay: Ohmygosh, is that a magazine?

Courtney: Um, yes. Yes it is. Would you like it?

Lindsay: OMG, yes! (She reaches for it, but Courtney holds the boulder back from her.)

Courtney: Now hold on a second. If you want the magazine, first you have to tell me the truth about what happened at the duel.

Lindsay: Hmm… what kind of magazine is it?

Courtney: Er…. a magic magazine.

Lindsay: Oh my gosh, I love it when magazines are magic! (She reaches for it again.)

Courtney: Uh uh uh. First, the truth. (Lindsay swallows deeply, thinking.)

**Confession Cam**

**Courtney: In life, everyone comes to crossroads, where they have to make an important decision. Between wealth and happiness. Between what one wants and what one's loved ones want. (She smirks.) With Lindsay, it's trying to decide between her best friend's trust which she's cherished for years and a rock with sloppy red painting on it. **

**End of Confessionals **

Chris: *sigh*… It's been fifteen minutes since we started this battle, and still neither competitor has made a move for each other. Noah stands off to one side, while DJ stands at the other. Chef stands to my left, still wearing that towel that flaunts his washboard abs so well. Wow, I'm so bored that I don't even care if that sounds gay. The fan still rotates around, occasionally—WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS DOING?! (He yells over at Ezekiel and Izzy, who are standing over on the fan platform, fiddling with buttons. Izzy looks up, and waves at him.)

Izzy: Just having some fun with Mr. Fan!

Chris: Well, stop it! Mr. Fan is not to be tampered with! Both of you get away from there! And why is Ezekiel with you?

Ezekiel: My hair needs more blow-dryin', eh! Hm, what does this button do? (He presses a button that reads "Hyper Blow". Immediately, the blades of the fan start to rotate so fast they become a blur. The whole fan starts to rattle as a powerful current of wind slams into both DJ and Noah, sending them rolling towards the edge.)

Noah: Gah! (He quickly tries to run out of the path of the fan's blow, but the wind is too strong. Instead, he starts running in the direction of the fan, trying to run against the blast of it. He stops moving towards the edge, but stays in place, running as if inside a hamster ball. DJ does the same thing, just a few feet to the left of Noah. The two continue to sprint inside their hamster balls, trying to stop from going over the edge.)

Chris: Hey, now things are getting interesting. Okay, here's the new challenge; whoever can run against the blast of the fan without getting pushed over the edge wins.

Katie (calling from the sidelines): DJ, keep going! The shrimp's already going into cardiac arrest! (She points to Noah, who is breathing heavily and clutching his chest as he runs.)

Noah (choking on his words): It's… true. I… think… my left vesicle is… (He wheezes.) …being punctured by my xiphoid process. (He coughs loudly.)

Tyler (yelling from the railing in front of the sidelines): I have no idea what that means, but it sounds like a rush! Do you feel the rush, Noah?

Noah: I feel my lungs collapsing in on themselves like quicksand!

Tyler: Great! That's a good thing! (Meanwhile, Beth and Gwen are watching from high up in the bleachers.)

Beth: I can't believe Lindsay would date a guy like Tyler. I mean, I would take him too, if he were available. He's so energetic, full of enthusiasm.

Gwen: More like he's a complete attention whore. Oh yeah, and speaking of attention whores, you might want to go see what Courtney is doing. (She points to where Lindsay and Courtney are sitting, just a few rows away. Beth nods, and stands up. She walks over to Courtney and Lindsay. Courtney is holding the rock in her right hand, as Lindsay squirms nervously.)

Beth: Now what are you doing?

Courtney: It doesn't matter what we're doing.

Lindsay: Courtney's going to give me a magazine! (She points to the rock in Courtney's hand.)

Beth: In exchange for what?

Lindsay: She wants me to tell her the truth. Oh, please, Beth, can I tell her? I REALLY want that magazine! (Beth slaps her hand to her forehead. Then she rips the rock out of Courtney's hand and holds it in front of Lindsay's face.)

Beth: Lindsay, this is a rock. (She waves it around in front of the blonde's face.) See? Rock. Not a magazine. This. Is. A. Rock. Not a magazine. A rock. ROCK, Lindsay, ROCK. (Lindsay stares forward, puzzled, until her eyes widen in surprise.)

Lindsay: OMG, that's not a magazine! That's a rock! (She glares at Courtney.) You lied to me! How could you do something like that? (Courtney rolls her eyes.)

Courtney: I wasn't lying at all, Lindsay. You saw exactly what you were getting, and it was you who was too stupid to realize that no, a rock is not a magazine.

Lindsay: Oh my gosh, you're really mean! I thought you were my friend!

Courtney: Friends? Lindsay, I would never be friends with a fake, blonde slut-bot with more silicone in her body than brain cells! (Lindsay gasps, and stands up.)

Lindsay: Well you know what? This "slut-bot" is a lot smarter than you think! And she happens to know that you have no allies anymore in this game. So maybe you should try being a little nicer to people, instead of insulting them! And you know what else? I'm not going with you anymore in the glass ball. I'm going to go with my best friend _Beth_! So there! (She takes Beth's hand in hers, and the two skip away. Courtney sits there, fuming. Meanwhile, both Noah and DJ are starting to look tired as they run inside their glass balls, Noah much more so than DJ.)

Noah (patting his forehead with a napkin): Why's it getting so hot in here?

DJ: And why do I feel like there's no more air?

Chris: That's because there are no air holes. Did I forget to mention that?

Bridgette: Then how are they supposed to breathe?

Chris: They aren't! (He smiles.)

Noah: But then we'll die!

Chris: No. All you have to do is surrender, and let yourself take the plunge into the lake. Then you'll get all the air you want.

Tyler: Don't surrender, Noah! A true athlete doesn't need air!

Noah: But I don't think I can do this anymore! (He tries sprinting, but his knees suddenly buckle. He catches his fall but it sends him backwards two feet, so that he's now just a foot away from the edge. Noah now jogs very slowly, gasping for breath. DJ, meanwhile, is looking fatigued, but it still standing strong, keeping a fast pace. Tyler pounds his fists against the railing of the sidelines.)

Tyler: I refuse to let this happen! (Determination in his eyes, he quickly turns around and runs up the stairs of the Screaming Ivy bleachers, until he's at the top. He then starts climbing up the Screaming Ivy flagpole, which travels fifteen feet into the air. Chris notices this.)

Chris: Tyler! What are you doing, man?

Tyler: I'm doing what's right! (He continues to slide his way up the flagpole, climbing higher and higher into the sky.)

Chris: Chef, do something before he kills someone or himself! (Chef nods, and sprints up the stairs of the bleachers after Tyler, a shotgun at the ready. He points it up at the jock, who is now just a few feet away from the top of the flagpole.)

Chef: You get down from there right now, boy! Before I shoot you down!

Tyler: HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT, BABY! (Growling, Chef takes aim and fires at Tyler. He misses by a good five feet. Muttering to himself in frustration, he throws away the shotgun and starts climbing up the flagpole after Tyler, still wearing only a towel around his waist. Tyler is now sitting at the top of the pole, and when he sees Chef, he roars in anger.)

Tyler: I AM TYLER KONG! YOU WILL NOT STOP ME! (He rips off his sweatband, and hurls it down at Chef. It hits the drill sergeant in the face, making him flail around until he is able to finally rip it away from his eyes. However, now Chef's towel has slid down to his ankles, exposing everything for everyone to see. Chef quickly tries to cover himself up, and in doing so, falls from the flagpole, smashing down onto the top seats of the bleachers. Tyler laughs from his perch atop the bleachers flagpole, before turning his attention to the platform, now a good thirty feet below him and about twenty feet in front of him due to how far the bleachers spread outwards. He can see Noah, now just an inch away from the edge of the platform, and slowly moving closer and closer to his doom. Then he looks over at DJ, who is a good yard away from the edge, and still going strong. His sights focus on the brickhouse.)

Tyler: I've got only one shot.

Chris: Tyler, don't do what we all know you're going to do!

Katie: You're not going to make it, anyway! It's too far of a jump!

Tyler: Too late. (With that, he lunges off the top of the flagpole. The Screaming Ivy members in the bleachers watch as Tyler soars over their heads, heading for the platform. Meanwhile, DJ is inside the ball, still running strong, when suddenly, a red splotch smashes onto the outside of his sphere. He focuses his eyes, and realizes its Tyler.)

DJ: TYLER?! (He loses focus, and trips. This sends the ball spinning wildly all over the place, with DJ flailing around inside as Tyler is smashed around on the outside. The two then go flying off the platform with the glass ball, and two seconds later, there is a huge splash that soaks the entire Killer Redwoods team with lake water. Everyone looks over and sees Tyler and DJ floating in the water, Tyler fist-pumping.)

Tyler: Hell yeah! Tyler wins! DJ loses!

Chris: Tyler! You realize you just lost the first round for your team, right?

Tyler: They're not my team! I'm my only team. Tyler flies solo!

Chris: Yeah… let's see how that turns out for you if you guys go to Campfire Ceremony. (He turns to Noah, who is still panting and running inside his glass ball. Chris presses a button on his remote control, and the fan turns off. Noah immediately collapses, and scrambles his way out of the hatch, taking in the fresh air.)

Chris: Well, Noah, against all odds, you were able to defeat DJ. That means the Screaming Ivies are up 1-0.

Noah: Alright! Izzy, did you see that? I… (He sees Izzy whispering with Mr. Fan and giggling, her back turned to him. He sighs, and tries to walk over, but Mr. Fan blasts him away when he tries to get close, sending the bookworm flying over the edge of the platform and into the water. Chris walks over and grins down at him from thirty feet above.)

Chris: Aw, poor Noah. Getting his girl stolen by a house-hold furniture item. You just can't seem to catch a break in the ladies' department, can you?

Noah (floating in the water, his hair soaked): I wouldn't be laughing, Chris. It's _your _fan she's with. (Chris stops laughing.)

**Confession Cam**

**Noah: Izzy needs to get serious. Now she's dating a fan? We dated for literally five hours before she moved on! What am I doing wrong? (He sighs, and puts his head in his hands.) **

**Chris: Mr. Fan, how dare you! How dare you spoil the great relationship we had! I thought I was the only one you wanted. My hair is so much more luscious than that ginger brat's! (He starts to sob.) **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris (mascara running down his face, his eyes red with tears): *Sniff* Okay, time for round two. *Sniff*

Geoff: Dude, is that mascara on your face?

Chris: NO IT ISN'T! (Tears stream down his face, and he wipes them away, before cracking his teeth into smile.) I know you care so much about me, Geoff, but I'm fine. I'm a big boy. I don't need a man like Mr. Fan! (He starts sobbing again.)

Courtney: Can you just get on with it?

Chris: F-fine. I need the one lady from each team. (Bridgette steps down onto the platform for the Killer Redwoods, while Courtney steps down for the Screaming Ivy, her fists clenched and snarling. Bridgette sees who she is facing, and smiles.)

Bridgette: Finally, someone I won't hold back against.

Courtney: Right back at ya, dolphin lover! (Her whole face is red, and steam is blowing out her ears.)

Beth (calling from the sidelines next to Lindsay): Courtney, don't let us down! We _certainly _don't want to have to vote you off tonight.

Courtney: SHUT UP!

Geoff: Bridgette, babe, don't hurt yourself!

Bridgette: Oh, if it means hurting Courtney, I'm very willing. (She grins evilly, cracking her knuckles.)

Tyler: YEAH! GO BRIDGETTE! GO BRIDGETTE! WOO! (All the Killer Redwoods turn and glare at him as he cheers from their sideline. He notices them.) What?

Katie: Oh no. No no no no no no no! You are _not _going to switch to our side all of sudden. You just cost us the win last round!

Tyler: But I wanna root for Bridgette! Whoa, hey now, let's not get feisty here—AHHH! (He screams as Katie hurls him off the bleacher platform, and into the water. Meanwhile, Chris stands between Bridgette and Courtney, who are both staring each other down on the platform.)

Chris: Ready for round 2, guys? I'm ready! This should be fun! (He grins, his eyes shining brightly and his expression full of sunshine.)

Gwen: Okay, how did you suddenly switch from being deeply depressed to extremely happy and enthusiastic?

Chris: Silly Gwen. I was never depressed! I'm always happy and enthusiastic!

Gwen: No, you aren't.

Chris: YEAH I AM! I'M NOT BIPOLAR! NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME! (He grins brightly again.) So, ready for the challenge?

Courtney (staring down Bridgette even harder): When can we get started?

Chris: As soon as I explain this round's twist. So, I know how all you all watched and loved Disney Channel…

Bridgette: Oh boy, this should be good.

Chris: And you all saw how the show had a laugh track… so yeah. This round will have a laugh track to accompany it!

Courtney: NO! That sounds like a horrible idea! What's even the purpose of a laugh track?

Chris: Many reasons. Mostly, it helps the mentally challenged viewers decipher when they're supposed to laugh. So we're doing this mostly for Lindsay and Tyler.

Ezekiel: Awesome! It'll be like we're right in the middle of a teen comedy show!

Chris: Exactly! See? Ezekiel sees the bright side of everything. So, here we go! (He snaps his fingers.) The laugh track is officially in play. (All the contestants are silent. Ezekiel stands there, sweating nervously.)

**Confession Cam**

**Ezekiel: Man, it was so nerve-wracking with the laugh track going! What if they didn't think what I said was funny? It was terrifying! I didn't want to disappoint. **

**End of Confessionals**

(The contestants are silent for another ten seconds, before Ezekiel speaks up.)

Ezekiel: Should we speak now—

**BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**

Ezekiel: GAH! What was that?

Chris: That, my dear Ezekiel, was the laugh track.

**BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**

Ezekiel: Heh heh. That's kind of cool.

Chris: See? Isn't this fun?

Ezekiel: Yeah!

Gwen: More like incredibly stupid.

**BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! **(Gwen scowls.)

Gwen: Shut up! That wasn't even funny!

**BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! **(A dark storm cloud in her eyes, Gwen buries her nose in her diary.)

Izzy: Hey, guys, what's the most famous coffee in Afghanistan? Osama Bin Latte!

**BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! **(Izzy grins proudly.)

Izzy: I like these people.

Geoff: I don't. Dudes, this is soo creepy! I don't want these people hearing everything I say!

**BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! **(Geoff pulls his hat over his head in fear, making the invisible audience laugh even louder.)

Chris: You better get used to it, Geoff, because the more you speak, the more they laugh. So, Bridgette and Courtney, even with the laugh track, this is still a challenge, so get inside your glass balls. Try not to tear each other apart on the way there. (As they walk towards their balls, Chris listens expectantly. When there is no laughter, he scowls.) C'mon, I don't get anything for that?

Ezekiel: Guess you don't.

**BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! **(Ezekiel grins.)

Ezekiel: I think this audience really likes me!

Chris: It's because you look the most like a teen heartthrob, Zeke. They fall all over that. (Meanwhile, Noah is climbing back onto the bleacher platform, his hair still wet from the lake.)

**EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEE! **(Noah raises an eyebrow.)

Noah: I'm not gonna ask.

Chris: It's the new laugh track I've implemented, Noah. I guess they love your hair when it's wet.

Noah: Just like all psychopathic no-life female Total Drama fans.

**BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! **(Scowling, Noah sits down next to Gwen, and buries his nose in a book. Meanwhile, Courtney and Bridgette are now standing inside their separate glass balls.)

Chris: Okay, ready to get this challenge started? Chef, blow the horn! (Chef walks out, still wearing his bath towel.)

**EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!**

Chef: ALL OF YALL, SHUT THE F*** UP! (When the audience falls silent, he takes out his saxophone and blows into it.)

Chris: And… go! (Immediately Courtney starts sprinting towards Bridgette, fire in her eyes. Just as the C.I.T. is about to make impact, Bridgette swerves out of the way. Courtney has to use all her might to stop her glass ball from topping over the edge.)

**BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**

Courtney: How dare you laugh at me!

**BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! **(Yelling in frustration, Courtney runs towards Bridgette, again, with the same result. The audience has now gone into hysteria.)

Chris: Man, Courtney, you're a hit!

Courtney: And you're a piece of shit! (She looks around when nobody laughs.) How come they didn't laugh at tha—(Suddenly, she is slammed into by Bridgette, and is almost knocked off.)

**YAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY! **

Courtney (regaining her footing): Why are they rooting for her? They should be rooting for me! I'm the one who's trying to save my own butt! C'mon! Root for—(Bridgette slams into her again, and this time Courtney topples about three-quarters off the platform before slowly rolling back.)

**HOOOORAYYYY!**

Courtney: Okay, now you're going down! (Meanwhile, Ezekiel is basking in the invisible crowd's attention.)

Ezekiel: Hey guys! (He winks a them.)

**WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**

Ezekiel: Heh, you like that, eh? How aboot this? (He wiggles his eyebrows at them.)

**WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! **(Ezekiel stops wiggling his eyebrows. The crowd falls silent. He starts wiggling them again.)

**WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! **(Ezekiel stops wiggling his eyebrows, causing more silence, before starting up again.)

**WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! **(Now Ezekiel starts hip-thrusting, making the crowd go wild. Katie stomps over, glaring.)

Katie: What are you doing over here?

Ezekiel: Charmin' the crowd, eh. For once in my life, I feel like a group of people finally accept me!

**WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! **(Ezekiel grins and winks, letting the praise wash over him.)

Ezekiel (turning to Katie): Watch this, eh. (He then turns to the audience, and flips his hair.)

**WOOOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOO! **(The crowd's roar becomes deafening, blocking out all other sound.)

Katie: This if f**king retarded! Why are you cheering for a loser like Ezekiel?

**BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**

Katie: Oh, now you're going to be boo me?

**HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!**

Katie: Will you cut it out? Ow! (She cries out as a tomato smashes into her face, covering her cheek in red pulpy substance. She wipes it off, glaring.) Who threw that? Ow! OW! (She screams as she is pelted by tomatoes, until she runs off. Ezekiel then smiles at the camera.)

Ezekiel: Soory about that, eh. (He winks again.)

**YAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY! **(Meanwhile, Courtney is sprinting after Bridgette, but the blonde is too fast for her. Whenever Courtney charges, Bridgette swerves out of the way, before slamming into her herself. This has caused Courtney to become very disoriented, stumbling around inside the glass ball. Noah and Gwen sit on the sidelines, both with their books out.)

**GWOAH! GWOAH! GWOAH! GWOAH! **(Both look up from their books, seething.)

Noah and Gwen: SHUT UP!

**GWOAH! GWOAH! GWOAH! GWOAH! **

Noah: Why does this audience sound like a sea of Sierras? And why is there always that one person in the audience that sounds like a dying raccoon when they laugh?

**BWAHAHA*cough wheeze*HAHAHAHA!**

Noah: See what I mean?

**BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**

Gwen (putting her head in her hands): The sooner this is over the better, that's all I'm going to say. (Meanwhile, Ezekiel walks over to Katie, his hair tousled and lipstick covering his face.)

Katie: Where did _that _come from?

**BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! **

Ezekiel: I don't know! It just appeared on me, eh. This audience can't get enough of me! Look! (He holds out his arm, which has hickeys lining it up to the elbow.) I've got a sleeve of hickeys!

Katie: Okay, that's just wrong.

Ezekiel: Would you like to contribute to the sleeve, eh?

Katie: I'd rather kill myself!

**BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**

Katie: Oh, shut up, will you? You're all poor, fat, and ugly! (The audience falls silent, before bursting into tears.)

**WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH H! **(Katie chuckles awkwardly.)

Katie: Er, I mean, you all are beautiful children with bright futures ahead of you.

**YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY ! **

(Meanwhile, out on the platform, Courtney is continually attacking Bridgette and missing. She stops for a second, and grabs her head.)

Courtney: Okay, Courtney, use strategy. That's the only way you're going to win. (She looks over at Bridgette, who is over near the edge to her left. Courtney starts rolling towards her, at medium pace. Bridgette smiles when she sees Courtney coming towards her, and makes for the left. However, Courtney was anticipating this, and moves in the same direction. Bridgette frantically moves to the right, but Courtney blocks her off there, too. She now has the blonde cornered. Courtney takes a step towards her, grinning.)

Courtney: End of the road, blondie. (She inches toward Bridgette, savoring the moment.)

***GASP***

Chris: Could this be the end for Bridgette?

Geoff (from the sidelines): No! Bridgette, I believe in you!

**Confession Cam**

**Geoff: Man, it was really scary for me seeing Bridgette in such a dangerous situation. I didn't want her to get hurt. I know it may not always seem like it, but I really do care for her. **

**_AWWWWWWW…. _(Geoff's eyes widen in terror.)**

**Geoff: Oh god, they're following me in here now, too? HAS THE SANCTITY OF PRIVACY BEEN COMPLETELY DESTROYED?!**

**_BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! _(Geoff pulls his hat down over his face in shame.)**

**End of Confessionals**

Geoff: Chris, they're following me in the confessional now. This laugh track has got to end.

Chris: Sorry, but not until the challenge is over. But by the looks of things, it should be over soon. (He points to Courtney, who is edging Bridgette closer and closer to the edge.)

Courtney: It's all over now. Why don't you just roll over yourself and save me the trouble? (But Bridgette won't back down. Courtney sneers.) So that's how it is. Well, let's get this over with.)

**BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**

Courtney: Shut your traps! You're not going to ruin this moment. (She continues to inch towards Bridgette, when suddenly a tomato smashes into the outside of her ball. She stares at the stain in the surprise.)

Courtney: What the—(Suddenly there is a deep rumbling noise, and out of nowhere, a wave of tomatoes erupts into the air, showering Courtney. The C.I.T. screams as her ball is coated in a thick layer of pulpy sludge. She tries to roll forward, but slips on the pulp around her ball, and loses control. Her ball, completely covered in tomato slime, slips and slides around the platform until it goes flying off, and splashes down into the lake. The whole laugh track starts to cheer. Courtney sticks her head out of the water, scowling.)

Courtney: Chris, that was completely unfair!

Chris: Hey, the laugh track was part of the challenge. So if the laugh track took you out, you're out. That means Bridgette is our winner for Round 2! (Bridgette, laughing, steps out of her glass ball, being careful not to step on any of the splattered tomatoes. Geoff, however, doesn't heed this when he leaps over the railing and lunges onto the platform.)

Geoff: BRIDGETTE! (He starts running towards her, but immediately slips on a pile of splattered tomatoes, and crashes down onto his back, coating himself in tomato pulp.)

**BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! **(Geoff gets up, groaning and clutching his back.)

Geoff: I hate this laugh track so much. (Bridgette runs over and hugs him, despite the fact that she's getting herself coated in tomato, too. Geoff smiles.) Bridgette, you did amazing. No fear. That's my Bridge!

**AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW… **(Geoff scowls, and turns to Chris.)

Geoff: Okay, dude, that round's over. Can you get rid of the laugh track now?

Chris: Yeah, see, about that… I don't know how.

**BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**

DJ: Wait, are you serious?

**BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**

Chris: Yes, unfortunately.

**BWAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!**

Tyler: Man, I think it's malfunctioning!

**BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**

**BWAHAHABWAHABWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHA!**

**BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**

Gwen (covering her ears): Somebody make it stop!

Izzy: Okay! (She takes out a stick of dynamite, lights it, and hurls it straight past the camera. There is a flurry of screams, followed by a loud explosion, then silence.)

Chris: Izzy! You're not supposed to _slaughter _our laugh track!

Izzy: Hey, it got the job done, didn't it?

Ezekiel: No! All my loyal fans, eh! DEAD! (He falls to his knees, weeping.)

Chris: It's okay, Ezekiel. Every star has a moment like this. But we really need to get on with our third round, so—(He suddenly slips on the tomato sludge covering the platform and goes flying into the air, before crashing back down with a thud.) CHEF! Will you clean this up?! No wait! Actually, that'll be the perfect twist to our third round! Trying to dodge the tomatoes Chef and I hurl at you!

Noah: Are you just making up this whole competition as you go along?

Chris: No! Chef and I put care and precision into designing our challenges. (He looks over at Chef.) Do you think we should throw in some suicide bomber unicorns? Or do you think that's stretching it? Yeah, me too. Alright, now I need the two pairs for each team. (Lindsay and Beth, screeching with delight, skip out onto the platform from the sidelines. Geoff and Ezekiel step forward for the Killer Redwoods.)

Geoff: Let's do this, Ezekiel.

Ezekiel: Hell yeah! (The two fist bump.) After all, it's just a couple of girls, eh. Us guys are too strong for them. (He is suddenly hit in the crotch with a tomato, which splatters all over his skinny jeans. Ezekiel falls to the ground, moaning. Beth wipes her hands off.)

Beth: I wouldn't be too sure of that.

Chris: So let me explain the twist to the four of you. As you saw before, tomatoes took Courtney out in a matter of seconds. And as you saw just a few seconds ago with Ezekiel, tomatoes can also be rather painful not only to a man's genitalia but also to his dignity. So here's how this round will work. Once again, one person will be put inside each glass ball. The other two players will be perched up on a ledge, with a sack of tomatoes each. It's simple, really. While the two in the glass balls try to knock each other off the platform, their partner can help by hurling tomatoes at their opponent. Make sense?

Noah: Besides the fact that that whole explanation had horrible grammar, yes.

Chris: Hm? Did I hear something? It sounded like I heard something. Probably just my imagination. Okay, pick who will be the roller and who will be the tomato-thrower, and then we can get cracking.

**Confession Cam**

**Geoff: Zeke immediately insisted on being the tomato guy, so I let him. Even though I _love _tomatoes. Have you ever been to a party where everyone just hurls tomatoes at each other? Hm. Well then you just haven't been to the right parties, then. **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: Alright. Inside the glass balls for each team are Lindsay and Geoff. The tomato throwers for each team are Beth and Ezekiel. Lindsay and Geoff, you guys ready?

Geoff: Oh yeah! (He takes off his hat, and folds it inside out.) Here we go! (Lindsay is texting.)

Chris: Tomato throwers, you ready? (Ezekiel salutes Chris from the perch where he is sitting just a few feet away from Beth.)

Ezekiel: Ready for duty, sir. I'm ready to win this war, and in doing so, embrace the raw poo'er that is the nightshade fruit, that is the tomato.

Beth: I think you might be taking this too seriously, Ezekiel. (Ezekiel whips around to face her.)

Ezekiel: This is WAR, soldier! WAR is to be taken seriously! People will be dying by the thoosands, eh! Families will be tarnished! Friendships will be crushed! Dreams will be destroyed!

Chris: I certainly hope not. That sounds like bad ratings. Alright, tomato throwers, get ready! Load your ammo! Chef, blow the battle horn one last time. (Chef is about to blow into it, but a tomato smashes into his face. Everyone looks over at Ezekiel, who chuckles sheepishly.)

Ezekiel: Oops. I thought we'd started, eh. (Chef angrily wipes off the tomato from his face, before blowing into the battle horn.)

Chris: GO! (Geoff immediately starts rolling towards Lindsay, who is still texting.)

Beth: Lindsay! Watch out! (When Lindsay still doesn't look up, Beth quickly throws down three tomatoes right in Geoff's path, making the party dude slip and go tumbling backwards. Geoff slowly gets upright again, and as he does so, his ball is hit by five more tomatoes.)

Courtney: That's it, Beth! Pelt that party boy! (Beth glares over at her.)

Beth: You're just lucky that I used to do tomato throwing on the farm. Maybe your butt will be saved just this once, Courtney. (She then takes a handful of tomatoes and hefts them all at Geoff. The cereal lover dodges these ones, and quickly looks over at Ezekiel, who is still sitting on the perch, doing nothing.)

Geoff: What are you waiting for, dude? I'm about to be flooded! (He sees Ezekiel take out a tomato, and bite into it.) Are you seriously eating them?

Ezekiel (his mouth full of tomato): What? I love tomatoes, eh! They're rich in Vitamin C, might I add. And they have powerful antioxidants that have lead to a lower chance of Prostate Cancer in men. Plus, tomatoes are said to help keep your skin looking youthful!

Geoff (rolling his eyes): What happened to the seriousness of war?

Ezekiel: My health is even more important, eh! I've gotta have nice, smooth skin if I want to be a pop star. (With that, he stuffs another tomato into his mouth, and chews with content, flecks of tomato juice flying from his lips.)

Geoff: Dude, c'mon! You're supposed to be—(Suddenly, more tomatoes slam into his glass ball, coating the top in a thick layer. Beth continues to sling tomato after tomato at him, all of them making contact. Geoff tries to move forward, but slips, sending his ball sliding all over the platform.)

Courtney: That's it, Beth! You've almost done it! He's losing it!

Geoff: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! (He slips and slides on tomato after tomato, losing control of the ball.)

Chris: Ezekiel, dude, you really should do something. (He looks over at the prairie boy, who is stuffing tomato after tomato into his own mouth.)

Katie (calling out): Ezekiel, you're a disgusting pig! Stop eating so many tomatoes!

Ezekiel (his mouth full): I can't stop, eh! They're just too juicy! (More and more of Beth's tomatoes spray down on Geoff, surrounding him a thick mush. Geoff tries to roll through the mush, but is stuck. Beth reaches for more tomatoes, but finds she's out.)

Beth: Okay, Lindsay! I've done my part! Now while he's stuck, you just have to go over and push him off! Lindsay? (She sees that Lindsay is still texting.) Stop texting! Who are you texting, anyways?

Lindsay: I don't know. Who would text, "You are a prize to my unworthy eyes, my love"?

Tyler: Huh? I didn't text you that! (Everybody looks over at Chris, who is texting on his phone. The host looks up from his device, frowning.)

Chris: What?

Gwen: Seriously? Texting a contestant during the middle of a challenge?

Chris: Hey, my and Lindsay's connection spans beyond the rules of the game. Fine, fine, no more texting. (He puts his phone in his pocket, and winks at Lindsay.) That is, until tonight.

Tyler: Dude, that's sick! That's my girlfriend!

Chris: What? Lindsay and I are just friends! Besides, my heart still belongs to Mr. Fan. (Now that Lindsay has put her phone away, Beth starts instructing her.)

Beth: Okay, Lindsay, you know what to do. Start rolling towards Geoff. (Lindsay nods, and starts rolling the opposite direction.) Wrong way, Lindsay!

Lindsay: Oh! (She starts going in the right direction. Geoff, still trapped in the tomato muck, frantically looks over at Ezekiel, who has his mouth stuffed with five tomatoes.)

Geoff: Dude! Now would be a good time to do something! (Ezekiel holds up a finger telling him to wait, and swallows deeply. It looks like he is about to say something, but instead, he just stuffs another tomato in his mouth.)

Noah: My god, how many tomatoes have you eaten? (Ezekiel swallows, and looks down at what remains of the pile.)

Ezekiel: I've got four left, eh

Chris: Dude, you started with fifty! Do you realize how many tomatoes that is? (He looks at Noah.) How many tomatoes is that?

Noah: Forty-six.

Ezekiel: *Urp* Make that forty-nine. (He lies down on his perch, rubbing his stomach.) Uh-oh… I don't feel so good… (He reaches for the final tomato.)

Katie: Why would you grab another tomato if you're feeling sick?!

Ezekiel: I've got to finish what I started, eh. It's what my parents always taught me. (With that, he swallows the final tomato, and pats his stomach. His face starts to turn green.) I don't think that was a good idea… (Meanwhile, Lindsay is getting closer and closer to Geoff, who is frantically trying to wiggle his way out of the tomato mire that he is stuck in. However, his ball won't budge. Geoff looks at Ezekiel pleadingly.)

Geoff: Ezekiel, do anything! (Ezekiel is now looking wobbly, his body considerably expanded since he started eating the tomatoes.)

Ezekiel: Oh no… the tomatoes wanna come back up, man. (He swallows, his face now dark green with sweat streaming down it.)

Katie (glaring): Don't you even, Ezekiel.

Ezekiel: I'm sorry, eh! But it has to happen! (Lindsay is now running towards Geoff, and is only about ten yards away.)

Beth: You've got this, Lindsay! You've got th—(Suddenly, she is interrupted by a loud grumbling noise from deep within Ezekiel's stomach. Ezekiel looks at her, and cringes.)

Ezekiel: Uh oh. (He tries to hold it in, but it's too late. With that, he vomits a huge waterfall of red tomato pulp, right down onto the platform. It continues to pump out of his mouth, soaking Lindsay and Geoff's glass balls in it. However, Lindsay is in motion, so she immediately slips on the throw-up, spraying it up into the bleachers and soaking Ezekiel's team.)

Katie (covered in Ezekiel's barf): OH GOD! (She wretches into DJ's lap, making the brickhouse run to heave over the railing. Tyler, meanwhile, sees all this and barfs as well, before slipping on it and tumbling down the bleachers and landing in a pool of tomato and bile at the bottom. Lindsay, slipping and sliding, moves over to the other side and soaks the Screaming Ivy bleachers, making everyone throw up besides Gwen, who sits there covered in vomit with a not-amused facial expression. Lindsay then sprays Beth and Ezekiel as well, making Ezekiel just barf some more, coughing and choking on his own puke. Finally, Lindsay tumbles right off the edge of the platform, landing in the water with a huge splash. Ezekiel, coughing and sputtering, wipes his mouth.)

Ezekiel: Oops. Heh heh. Guess I shouldn't have eaten so many tomatoes, eh. (At that point, Chris looks up from his magazine, and sees the desolate, vomit-covered arena. He sees the campers lying on the ground, drenched in throw-up, moaning in pain. He sees Geoff, slowly opening the hatch to his glass ball and collapsing down onto the platform. He sees Izzy, laughing hysterically from her perch atop Mr. Fan. Slowly he takes a step out onto the platform, putting his magazine to his side. He makes his way to the center, making sure to avoid all the tomatoes and stomach acid strewn across the ground. Once he gets to the center, he looks around at the arena. It looks as if Chris is about to say something, but instead, he just vomits as well down onto the floor, sputtering as he regurgitates. The sound echoes throughout the desolate battlefield. Finally, the campers start to get up, groaning, trying to clean themselves off. Chris begins to speak, wiping barf off his sleeves.)

Chris: Well, despite that extremely disgusting turn of events, Lindsay did still fall off the platform first. Therefore, the Killer Redwoods win the immunity challenge, and are safe at tonight's vote! (Ezekiel starts cheering. He is the only one.)

Ezekiel: WOOOOO! (He turns to the Killer Redwoods.) See, guys? I won it for us in the end! (He notices everyone glaring at him.) Geez, I'm sorry! I promise this won't happen ever again, okay? (He is hit in the face by his own throw-up that someone threw at him. He wipes it off and sighs.) Okay, I probably deserved that, eh.

Chris: Screaming Ivy, what can I say? I'll see your vomity butts at the Campfire Ceremony tonight, where somebody will be sent to Redemption Cabin and face an eager competitor waiting to the tear them apart. You have the afternoon to figure out who it's gonna be. But first, everyone is entitled to one shower. You guys stink! (As the campers climb down the ladder leading back down to the ground, Chris walks over and hands Chef a mop.)

Chris: Have fun. (Chef responds by shoving the mop in the host's mouth.)

**Confession Cam**

**Geoff (coated in tomato sludge): Well, I guess you could say Ezekiel came through for us today. But I don't think I'm ever going to see another tomato again without going into shock. I probably won't even be able to see the color red without going into shock. So I don't know what's going to happen when I see Tyler. **

**Ezekiel (biting into a tomato): What? I still like the taste, eh. **

**Tyler (pounding his fist into his hand): Today was a great day overall. My team won, I learned some geometry, I spent some time with Lindsay… Plus, I showed DJ who's boss. But you know what? This day wouldn't have been special at all, if I hadn't gotten to share it with my kind, loving teammates. (He is serious for a second, before he lets loose a snicker, and grins.) I can't say that with a straight face. **

**Beth: So now, it's just a matter of whether we want to get rid of Trent or Courtney. Trent's ten times more annoying, but Courtney's ten times more dangerous. It really could go either way. **

**Noah: Personally, I still want Trent gone. Even if Izzy's pretty much dumped me for a fan, you still tried to kill her, man. Not cool. **

**Courtney: Well, as I left the arena, coated in Ezekiel's barf, things were looking grim. Noah, Gwen, Izzy, Beth, and Lindsay were all so tight on their decision in getting rid of either Trent or me. Then I saw Trent on the dock, still depressed. I knew that if we were going to have any chance of surviving tonight, I'd need to bring back the dark side of Trent. **

**End of Confessionals**

(Courtney sits down next to Trent on the dock, as the musician stares at his reflection sadly. He looks up at her, and his nose scrunches up at the smell.)

Trent: What happened to you?

Courtney: Ezekiel started a barf-fest that I'd really not care to repeat the details of. (She sighs, trying to get the vomit out of her hair.)

Trent (smiling): Sounds like a fun challenge. (He turns back to the water and his reflection. The two are silent for twenty seconds, before Courtney speaks up again.)

Courtney: Well, we lost. So maybe we should start strategizing or something? (Trent shakes his head.)

Trent: No. No strategy for me tonight.

Courtney: What do you mean, "_no strategy_"? Tonight it's do or die! So unless you want to _die_, I think it's time you start to _do_.

Trent: Maybe dying is what I _want _to do. (He smile sadly, and looks down at the water again. Courtney scowls.)

Courtney: Stop it! Don't even talk like that! Why have you suddenly given up? (Trent sighs, and turns to Courtney, sincerity in his eyes.)

Trent: I can't live with what I did today. Izzy almost _died _because of me, Courtney. I was almost a _murderer_. I just want this game to end, so I can go back to the music. You know, learn to play guitar again. Forget this whole reality TV experience ever happened.

Courtney: Please, Trent, just stick around for a little bit longer. You're my lifeline, Trent! Without you, they'll vote me off. But if we work together…

Trent: No. Courtney, I've just been a burden to you since Day 1. You only chose me for this alliance because you had no other options.

Courtney: That's not true, Trent. I saw something in you. Something so clever, and devious. I wanted to unlock it.

Trent: That was the dark side of Trent. He's not coming back. I want to be the good guy Trent again! The one that always has a kind thing to say to someone. The one guy where everybody says, "Wow, that Trent's a nice guy. He's a step above the competition, don't you think?" That's all I want. And I'm going to do whatever it takes to achieve that. Courtney, I have to say goodbye to you now. I'm going to go pack my stuff. (But as he gets up, Courtney holds him down. She starts to get angry.)

Courtney: You've lost your mind, Trent. Do you really think after all the things you've done, you can _ever _be a good guy again? (Trent stares at her. Courtney shakes her head.) Well, I'll tell you how it is. People will never forget how you cheated, lied, and insulted all of them. You're trapped, Trent. You're a villain now. You can never be the good guy again. (She sighs.) Do you think _I _wanted to be the villain? The one that everyone hated? The one that hated herself? No, I wanted to be the leader. And all throughout season 1, that's what I thought I was. But then I watched the season at home. The producers had completely changed my image, to make me look like a bossy, know-it-all brat. I guess they did that so that fans wouldn't get too angry when Harold rigged the votes against me. And from there on out, I just kind of slipped into the mold that they created for me. The evil, bossy bitch. (She pauses for breath.)

Courtney: But you know what, Trent? I haven't looked back since. I've learned to embrace the stereotype they've given me. See its advantages. Trent, it's not about making friends for us anymore. It's only about winning. But as long as we have each other, that's all we'll need. (She takes his hand in hers, but his fingers quickly slip out of her grasp.)

Trent (retreating his hand): I get it now. You turned me into this. You turned me into this monster. Because you were lonely, you wanted me to go through what you went through.

Courtney: No, Trent! I wanted you to see what you really were. On the inside, we're all monsters. But together, Trent, two monsters can run this game. (She takes his hand again. This time Trent doesn't let go, sighing in defeat.)

Trent: Okay. (The two sit down again, and Trent sighs.) So, back to being the villain, I guess?

Courtney (smiling): Trust me, Trent, it has its benefits in the end. (Then her expression gets serious.) But if we want any chance at the money, we need to make it past tonight. And that's going to be extremely difficult.

Trent: I'm sure we'll figure something out. Courtney, thank you, by the way. I wasn't thinking straight before. But now I understand how things are going to have to be. (He sighs.) Maybe this will all be worth it I win the money. I can try to start a true music career.

Courtney: Exactly, Trent. Now you're seeing the big picture. So, how are we going to do this? Do you think there are any cracks in the alliance that you think we can utilize?

Trent (tapping his chin): Lindsay should be easy to sway. My antics earlier today probably lost us points with Izzy, though. Cody's also a wild card. You gotta play to his hormones.

Courtney: Even then, the numbers aren't in our favor. We need a plan that we _know _won't fail. (Trent sighs, flipping through a book titled, "Total Drama Returns Rulebook". Courtney stares at it in surprise.) What's that?

Trent: Just some stupid rulebook I found floating in the water while I was sitting here. It's probably the worst rulebook ever written. The grammar is horrible, and the punctuation is all over the place. I assume Chris wrote it.

Courtney (staring at it): I assume he did too, due to the fact that there's a naked picture of him on the front. (She takes it from him, and starts flipping through it. Then she stops at a page, and gasps.)

Courtney: No way. (She smiles at Trent.) I think I just found our savior.

Trent: What? How?

Courtney: It's going to be a very complicated plan, and will require perfect precision. Are you up for it?

Trent (grinning deviously): Of course I am. (Courtney smiles, and then leans forward, her eyes closed. Her lips meet his. Trent's eyes widen in surprise, before his whole face scrunches up in disgust. He leans back, and Courtney moves back in surprise. She immediately blushes deep red.)

Courtney: What? Did I do something wrong?

Trent: No, nothing! I just think that maybe you should get a shower first, you know, so I don't feel like I'm making out with Ezekiel. (Courtney chuckles.)

Courtney: Oh yeah. Heh heh. (She rubs the back of her neck, and walks awkwardly off.)

**Confession Cam**

**Courtney: So I kissed Trent. So what? It was mostly just to seal his trust. (She blushes bright red.) Mostly. **

**Trent: Was not expecting that. Does Courtney have feelings for me? (He cringes.) I don't know if I exactly have feelings for her… Whatever, I need to stop thinking about that. If I want to implement my plan, I need to head over to the infirmary right away. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Bathrooms**

(There are two lines leading into the shower stalls, one for the boys, one for the girls. Since there are only two showers in each bathroom, the lines are moving extremely slowly. Everyone is still covered in tomatoes and puke, cringing in disgust. Ezekiel walks up to the girls' line with a crate of tomatoes.)

Ezekiel: Anybody want one? (He screams as the crate is stuffed over his head. He stumbles around blindly for a few seconds, before falling to the ground.)

Gwen: Now that was just crossing the line. (Beth, standing behind her in line, taps the Goth girl on the shoulder.)

Beth: So, is the plan for Courtney, or Trent?

Gwen: Right now it's Trent. But personally, I was thinking maybe we should get rid of Courtney.

Beth: *gasp* THAT'S WHAT I WAS THINKING! (She screeches with delight, making everyone turn to her. Gwen stares at her, and the geek girl chuckles.) Sorry.

Gwen: Seriously, Trent isn't a threat. Lately, it seems like he's given up. Courtney looks like she's still ready to fight. So I'm leaning towards Courtney, in a way.

Beth: Yeah, that might be a good idea. But I don't know, Trent's dangerous, too.

Gwen: Dangerously stupid, that's for sure. (Suddenly, Courtney comes up behind them, standing behind Beth in line. Courtney's face is streaked with tears, and is bright red.)

Gwen: What happened with you? Why do you look like you've been crying?

Courtney: I hate that motherf***** Trent!

Gwen: What'd he do?

Courtney: He's going around trying to convince everyone to vote me off! But you know what? If you guys vote for him, I'll be happy to join you.

Beth: Well, that's what we were planning. (Courtney smiles.)

Courtney: Good. I can't wait to see the look on his face when he's blindsided. (She grins even wider, anger flashing wildly in her eyes. Beth and Gwen glance at each other.)

Gwen: So… you guys aren't in an alliance anymore?

Courtney: We don't really have a choice, do we? No matter what, one of us is going home. I just hope you'll make sure you vote for Trent. (She sees Trent walking by, and yells at him.) WHERE ARE _YOU_ GOING?!

Trent: THE DOESN'T MATTER TO YOU, BITCH! THE TRENT IS A FREE SPIRIT! HE GOES WHERE HE WANTS! (Right after he says this, he slips on a tomato, and goes tumbling down the hill leading down to the cabins, laying in a crumpled heap at the bottom. Courtney laughs.)

Courtney: HA! SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU TOOL! (Gwen and Beth glance at each other and shrug. Meanwhile, Tyler is at the front of the boys' line, when DJ comes out of the bathroom, dripping wet from the shower he just took. He bumps right into Tyler.)

Tyler (his hands on his hips): Nice job using up all the hot water, DJ!

DJ: What are you talkin' about, man? I was in there for thirty seconds!

Tyler: Twenty-nine seconds too long, might I add. (Suddenly, all the power goes out in the bathrooms.)

Tyler: GREAT! Look what you did now, DJ! You used up so much hot water that the power's gone out!

DJ: Tyler, that's not how it works! Water usage and electrical usage have no correlation!

Tyler: Oh really? And have you supported your conclusions with data, DJ?

DJ: I'm supporting my conclusions with common sense!

Tyler: Common sense is overrated, man. (Suddenly, there is a commotion coming from the girls' bathroom.)

Katie (from inside one of the shower stalls): Izzy, unplug that stupid fan of yours! It's too big, and it's causing all the power to go out!

Izzy (from inside the bathroom): But I need to blow-dry my hair! And Mr. Fan gives the _best _blow jobs.

Katie: Take your little love-fest to the cabin or something! I'm trying to take a shower here!

Izzy: I know. I can see you through the curtain.

Katie: GET OUT!

Izzy: Fine! Sheesh. (She troops out of the girls' bathroom, carrying Mr. Fan to the cabin. Noah watches her go by, and sighs. He then looks over at Ezekiel, who is leaning against a tree and eating tomatoes.)

Noah: You're not getting a shower?

Ezekiel: Nah, I had my shower phase back in chapter 25. I had enough showers then to keep me squeaky clean for the rest of the competition. (He swallows another tomato.)

Noah: Do you really think you should be eating more tomatoes?

Ezekiel: I've got to, man. After all, I'm gonna be performing tonight at the Campfire Ceremony, and I hear tomatoes help to soften one's throat, eh.

Noah: Wow. You're actually going to sing as a performance?

Ezekiel: Yeah! Chris said I could. I think this could really be my big break as Bieber Zeke!

Noah: Hm. Do you have a song?

Ezekiel: What do you mean, a song?

Noah: What I mean is, do you have something to sing tonight? (Ezekiel's eyes widen.)

Ezekiel: Oh yeah. I better go write a song, eh. (He races off frantically towards the cabins. Noah rolls his eyes, when suddenly he hears someone whispering his name.)

?: Psst! Noah! (Noah looks over towards where the sounds is coming from, and sees Chris, lurking behind the bathrooms, beckoning him to come over. Noah turns away.)

Chris: Psst! Noah! Noah! Psst! Psst! Psst! Psst! Noah! (Noah groans and walks over. Chris beckons him into the shadows, far back behind the bathrooms.)

Noah (sarcastically): Yeah, this isn't creepy at all.

Chris: Noah, I have no time for your sarcastic ways right now. What I have is a proposition to make to you.

Noah: Do you really need to tell me about it back here, behind the bathrooms?

Chris: I need to talk to you in privacy, and this is the best place.

Noah: How long have you been back here?

Chris: Ever since Katie started taking her shower. (Realizing how creepy that sounds, he quickly stutters.) I didn't mean it that way!

Noah: Yeah, sure. So what was this about a proposition?

Chris: Listen, Noah, I see you floundering with Izzy. She's slipping right through your fingers. But I can help you. I have a plan.

Noah: I'm sure your plan won't work.

Chris: Oh, but it will! In case you forgot, that's _my _man she's been with. We have the same interests, Noah.

Noah: The difference is my interests don't involve pedophilia.

Chris: Stop it! I'm not a pedophile! I'm just a simple host looking for love. It's different. Anyways, back to the main subject. We have the same interests, Noah, when it comes to the Izzy and Mr. Fan relationship. We both want it to end. And we both want Mr. Fan to leave. (Noah nods.)

Noah: I'm listening.

Chris: So here's my proposition. Together, we kidnap Mr. Fan. Throw him off the end of the dock. Izzy will never know what happened. (He wiggles his eyebrows.) She'll need a shoulder to cry on. Your_ tan, muscular_ shoulder… (He massages Noah's shoulder as he says this.) … is exactly the one she'll turn to.

Noah: _That's _your plan?

Chris: Hey, it will work! You'll win back Izzy, and my broken heart will finally be mended as I watch Mr. Fan sink below the water.

Noah: But what if Izzy finds out I was a part of this? Then she'll never forgive me!

Chris: I'm not sure. I think she'll find it sexy. It will establish that you're the alpha wolf, Noah. That Izzy is _yours_, and nobody else's. I would know. I was the alpha wolf back in my day.

Noah: No you weren't.

Chris: Oh, yes I was! They called me Mclean the Hunter. That's because I would lie in wait in the grasses of the dating world, before I would pounce on my prey. And no matter how far my prey ran, I was always able to hunt them down. That's being the Alpha Wolf, right there.

Noah: No, that's called being a date rapist.

Chris: Enough with your sassy comments! But think about it. Izzy finally realizing that you're the only _man_ she's meant to have in her life. You'll be the _man_, Noah. (He places a hand on Noah's shoulder.) That's why you decided to become the leader of the Screaming Ivy, right? To show Izzy that you're a man?

Noah: Actually, I just did that because Trent was the worst leader in the history of Total Drama. I had to step in.

Chris: Whatever. You need to do this, though, Noah. You can't let Izzy be the one that got away. You have to seize the moment, Noah. You might not get another chance like this. Do we have a deal? (Noah pauses for a moment.)

Noah: Deal.

Chris: Alright… we'll meet in front of your cabin at six o'clock, sharp. Now go.

Noah: Aren't you going to come out from behind these bathrooms?

Chris: Um, actually, I'll stay back here. I have some business I need to take care of.

Noah: I don't even want to know what that business is. Okay, I'm out of here. (He steps out from behind the bathrooms, shaking his head in disbelief. He turns, and sees the whole line of girls glaring at him. Katie, who is dripping wet from her previous shower, steps forward and confronts him.)

Katie: What the hell were you doing back there? (She puts her hands on her hips.)

Noah: Oh. Heh heh. Hi. You see, I was—um, I—um… Chris was back there! And he wanted to talk to me!

Bridgette: Oh really? (She looks behind the bathrooms.) Where is he then? (Noah glances frantically over to where he met with Chris, and sees that the host is gone. He glances back at the girls, sweating nervously.)

Noah: He was there, I swear! C'mon… you're not suggesting I was spying on you, are you? (Some of them take a step towards him, their fists clenched. Noah tugs at his collar, sweat streaming down his face.) Let's not get feisty here, guys! (They are now mere inches away from him, surrounding him from all sides. Noah cringes, and chuckles anxiously.) Wow, guys… I'm feeling very violated right now. (They continue to glare at him, and Noah swallows nervously.)

Noah: C'mon, guys! Give me a break! To quote Shakespeare:

_Neither a borrower nor a lender be;_

_For loan oft loses itself and friend, _

_And borrowing the d—_

**Confession Cam**

**Noah (his underwear pulled over his head in a wedgie): No comment. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Infirmary Tent**

(Cody sits in his bed, sighing.)

Cody: I guess nobody's going to come to see me. Not even Katie or Gwen. (Suddenly, he hears someone walk in, and sits up excitedly.)

Cody: GWEN? KATIE? Aw, darn, it's just Trent.

Trent (scowling): I love the warm welcomes I keep getting. (He sits down in a chair next to Cody's bed, and groans from the pain of having recently tumbled down a hill. There's an awkward silence.)

Cody: Sooo… why'd you come to visit?

Trent: I just wanted to see you. See how you were holding up. Give you some company.

Cody: But… why? You always act like you hate me!

Trent: I don't hate you, Cody.

Cody: You told me to go shove my dick in a vacuum cleaner today, because it was the only way I'd ever be getting any action.

Trent (chuckling nervously): Did I? Sorry, I was really grumpy. Probably from all the pain meds I was taking for my injury.

Cody: Oh yeah. You were in the infirmary just this morning, weren't you?

Trent: I was. And you know what? Nobody came to visit me either. Not even Courtney.

Cody: I was hoping Katie would at least come to visit me… I thought we had something. (He sighs, looking down at his blanket.)

Trent: Well, I came to visit you, Cody. So maybe that should tell you who you can _really _trust.

Cody: You're manipulating me.

Trent: I'm not manipulating you. (He pauses for a moment, thinking.) What do you want, Cody? Katie? Is that what you want? (Cody nods.) Well, I'm pretty tight with Katie. And I definitely think that she's into you.

Cody: Wait… you're tight with Katie? The last interaction I remember between you two ended with you throwing a temper tantrum about her insulting your snow hat.

Trent: Oh, that was a petty fight. We've both matured since then. Do you want me to put in a good word for you or not?

Cody: Nah, I think I can win her over myself. (Trent stares into Cody's eyes.)

Trent: Really, Cody? I think you could use a little help. (Cody smiles confidently.)

Cody: Nah, I don't think I do.

Trent: Let me paint a picture for you, Cody. Close your eyes. (Cody cautiously shuts his eyes.) Now, imagine you and Ezekiel, living in a bachelor pad. The only two bachelors on the entire show. The only two without girlfriends. Just living together. Sharing some Sauvignon Blanc and a few romantic novels. The two of you, alone. Single forever. (He leans over, and whispers in Cody's ear.) _Together forever_. (Cody screams, and grabs Trent's shirt.)

Cody: Please, help me! PLEASE! I don't want that to be my future!

Trent: Okay, I will. Tomorrow, I'll make sure Katie falls for you. But tonight, all I ask is one simple favor.

Cody: What's that?

Trent: I want you to vote for Courtney with me. (Cody raises both eyebrows.)

Cody: Seriously, dude? If that's your request, then you've got a deal, my friend.

Trent: Awesome. Now, get your rest. You'll need your strength for the Campfire Ceremony. (He turns around and leaves the infirmary tent, a slight smirk stretching at the corners of his mouth.)

**Confession Cam**

**Trent: Part One of the plan is complete. Everything is turning out perfectly. **

**Cody: Wow, Trent really opened my eyes to the future. Now I understand how crucial it is to win Katie over. Would it be weird if I pulled a bouquet of flowers out of my pants and gave it to her? Or would that seem mysterious and romantic? Not like I have a bouquet of flowers just stashed in my pants all the time. Heh heh. That would be _weird_. Heh heh. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Mess Hall**

(The campers are all standing in the dinner line, waiting to be served.)

Bridgette (staring down at her bowl, which Chef has just dumped the contents of his ladle into): Seriously, tomato soup? You give us _tomato soup _after what happened today?

Chef: Hey, I was just trying to be efficient! And we're gonna be havin' tomato soup for a LONG time, because, damn, there were a lot of leftovers from that challenge! (Geoff, who is sitting at the table, quickly drops the spoon he has in his mouth, spits the soup back into the bowl, and runs to go throw up.)

Bridgette (shaking her head in disbelief): That's just wrong. (She walks to go sit down at the table, dumping her soup into the trash bin on the way there. The rest of the line walks to their tables without getting any soup from Chef. Chris then walks in, patting his hair, which is still filled with suds from his shower.)

Chris: I don't know about you guys, but I loved my shower. The water was warm… the soap was divine… and the towels! Oh, how fluffy and majestic they were.

Katie: Half the water that came out during my shower was purple!

Tyler: I'm pretty sure the soap tried to bite me.

Gwen: The towels you gave us were pieces of worn-out newspaper!

Chris: Well, you guys don't need the kind of showers I need. Hey, as long as you're clean, right? (He looks around at everyone's empty bowls.) Why is nobody eating?

Chef: BECAUSE THEY'RE UNGRATEFUL LITTLE BASTARDS, THAT'S WHY!

Gwen: Not even. It's because _Hannah Cheftana _over here was trying to feed us all the tomato vomit he cleaned up from today's challenge! (Chris turns to Chef, horror in his eyes.)

Chris: *gasp* Is this true, Chef?

Chef: Hell yeah! You got a problem with it?

Chris: No way! (He gives Chef a thumbs-up.) That's what we call being efficient!

Chef: Exactly! (He takes the ladle, fills it up with soup, and stuffs it in his mouth. He grins.) Delicious. Just needs a _little _more tomato. (The campers all try keep down their breakfast at this.)

Chris: Oh yeah, campers, I almost forgot. I have an announcement to make. Our very own Bieber Zeke will be performing tonight at the Campfire Ceremony! Give him a hand. (Everybody claps for Ezekiel, who stands up, bowing with pride.) That should be very entertaining. As long as he doesn't throw up on stage. Are you going to throw up on stage, Ezekiel?

Ezekiel: Nah. Bieber Zeke doesn't get nerves! (However, he is trembling, and his teeth are chattering nervously. DJ pats him on the back as he sits back down.)

DJ: You'll do great, man. Just be yourself.

Ezekiel: Which one of myselves, eh?

DJ: The real Zeke. (He points at Ezekiel's heart.) The one in here.

Ezekiel: The one in my man boobs? How does that work, eh?

DJ: No, man! Your heart!

Ezekiel: Oh. Oh! Thanks, DJ! You know, when I'm up here… (He points to the ceiling) and you're WAY doon there… (He points to the floor) I'll always remember you as being one of the little people I stepped on to make my way to the top.

DJ: Um… thanks.

**Confession Cam**

**Ezekiel: Man, I'm lovin' the superstar life. Just when I flush the toilet, I feel like I'm doing something significant! When I _pick my nose_ I get cheers! It's a dream come true! All my life I told myself, you just gotta believe, eh. If you believe, then anything's possible. Noo look at me! I'm rich, successful, poowerful… I have a show planned for tonight… I have a purpose. But you know what I realized? With all the throngs of fans I have, I still haven't signed any autographs! Not one! Now that's sacrilegious, eh. So you know what? The next person to use this bathroom, whoever they may be, will get my autograph. Just imagine the look on their face! I'll have made their life, eh! Man, I can't wait. **

**(Static)**

**(Noah walks in, and sits down on the toilet seat, before beginning his confessional.)**

**Noah: So, we were—(Suddenly, Ezekiel sticks his head through the window.) **

**Ezekiel: CONGRATULATIONS, EH! (Noah jumps up in surprise.) **

**Noah: GAH! Oh, it's just you. God, Ezekiel, you scared the hell out of me! **

**Ezekiel (wiggling his eyebrows): You're a very lucky man, Noah. A very lucky man. **

**Noah (sarcastically): Hm? Oh yeah. When a random man sticks his head through the window while I'm in the bathroom, I consider myself the luckiest man in the world.**

**Ezekiel: But I'm not a random man, eh. I'm Bieber Zeke! The teen superstar! And you've won my autograph. I know, I know, calm yourself doon, I'm telling the truth. Hoo do you feel aboot that?**

**Noah: I think I need to shut the window. Why is there a window in this bathroom anyway? Bathrooms shouldn't have windows! **

**Ezekiel: But what about yer autograph?**

**Noah: I'll pass. **

**Ezekiel (his shoulders slumping): Oh. Okay. I get ya. **

**Noah: Awesome. (He shuts the window.)**

**(Static)**

**Ezekiel: TAKE… THE… AUTOGRAPH! (Ezekiel has wrestled Noah to the floor, and the two are now struggling around in the grime.)**

**Noah: NO!**

**Ezekiel: Why not?! **

**Noah: Because I don't approve of you attacking me when I'm trying to be alone in private! **

**Ezekiel: Just take it, eh! C'MON! **

**Noah: Fine! Gosh! **

**Ezekiel: YAY! (He gets up off of Noah, and starts signing a piece of paper for him. As he writes, he looks up at Noah.) Should I address this to Noah, or Masaya Jedidiah? I can't decide which one would make more since. (He looks around, and sees that Noah is gone. He scowls.) You think you can get away? (He runs out the door of the confessional. Five seconds later, Noah's screams are heard in the distance.)**

**Ezekiel (from far off in the distance): THOUGHT YOU COULD RUN AWAY, HUH?! WELL YOU'LL NEVER ESCAPE ME UNTIL YOU TAKE THIS AUTOGRAPH! HEH, NEVER! **

**(Static)**

**Ezekiel (his hair tousled, mud all over his face): Man, sometimes I just can't seem to keep my fans off me. They really don't know hoo to give me personal space, eh. **

**End of Confessionals **

(Gwen, Izzy, Lindsay, and Beth sit at the Screaming Ivy table, looking around.)

Lindsay: Like, where is everyone else?

Gwen: I have no idea where Courtney and Trent are, Cody's in the infirmary I guess, and Noah's probably in there too now, after getting attacked by the girls and then mauled by Ezekiel. But now would be a good time, Beth, to tell us who _actually_ returned for the Redemption Cabin duel. I know it wasn't Duncan; you've made that obvious.

Beth (grinning): It was Alejandro. I said it was Duncan who returned to throw Trent off his game.

Izzy: Ooh, steamy! (She pats Mr. Fan, who is sitting in the seat next to her.) What do you think, Mr. Fan? (She leans over to listen. She then jumps back, blushing.) Oh, Mr. Fan, don't say such naughty words!

Gwen: Well, good job, Beth. That was some pretty decent strategy. I didn't know about you for a while there, what with you being best friends with Lindsay and all, but you're proving that you're nothing like _that_. (She cocks her head at Lindsay, who is staring at her fork as if it is some sort of alien device. Suddenly, Noah sits down at the table across from Izzy, his clothing torn and mud in his hair.)

Noah: Well, this has been an interesting afternoon. But I got an autograph out of it, so it's all good. (He laughs dryly, before scowling when he sees Mr. Fan sitting next to Izzy.) Why is it at our table now?

Izzy: Mr. Fan is a part of our team now!

Noah: No he isn't. (He pounds his fist against the table.) Here's a foreign concept to you, Izzy. _Mr. Fan is not a human_! He doesn't have a brain! He doesn't have emotions!

Izzy: He does too! You've just never talked with him!

Noah: Whatever. (He groans, and wipes the mud away from his eyes.) So we're voting for Trent, right?

Gwen: Yep. Courtney wants to vote for him, too. Supposedly Trent's been trying to sway people to vote for Courtney, though.

Noah: Really? Wow, I never thought I'd see that alliance crumble so quickly.

Gwen: I know, right? Somehow, this all doesn't feel real. (Suddenly, everybody hears a loud yelling from outside.)

Courtney: I HATE YOU!

Trent: I HATE YOU TOO! (The two stomp into the Mess Hall, arguing.)

Courtney: Why are you betraying me like this? I thought we had a deal!

Trent: Oh, I know you've been talking with everybody, trying to get them to vote for me! Don't lie about it!

Courtney: Only because you never respected me, Trent!

Trent: You've never respected _me_, Courtney! I've always been the bottom member in this alliance! It's because of the swirly thing on my chin, isn't it? You've always hated me because of that! I always get prejudice because of the weird swirly thing on my chin! But you know what? I THINK THAT WEIRD SWIRLY THING ON MY CHIN MAKES ME LOOK LIKE BUZZ F**KING LIGHTYEAR! (With that, he stomps out the other door of the Mess Hall. Courtney, fuming, stomps out the way she came. Noah watches them leave, before turning back to Gwen.)

Noah: You can't get any more real than that. (He scratches his head in wonder.) Wow, they've completely had it with each other. But then again, it makes sense. Their backs are against the wall; their only option now is turn on each other.

Gwen: Still, something feels… off. I can't quite place it.

Noah: Well, either way, Trent or Courtney will get booted. You can't go wrong with that. I think we should vote for Trent, though. For Izzy's sake.

Gwen: Alright. Is that agreed, everybody? Trent?

Izzy: What do you say, Mr. Fan? (She leans in to listen, before turning to her teammates.) Mr. Fan says that we should vote off Michael Jackson.

Noah: No. You're voting for Trent, got it? Michael Jackson's not on the island!

Izzy (her eyes gleaming mischievously): That's what he wants you to think.

**Confession Cam**

**Noah: So, right now, it looks like Trent is leaving. But who knows what could happen? Some people could be swayed to Courtney. I don't really care which one of them goes home. You can't go wrong with either. **

**Courtney (grinning): Everything is going exactly as planned. **

**Katie: Something weird is happening with the Screaming Ivies. I'm not sure what it is, but I have a feeling something big is going on that nobody but Trent or Courtney seems to know about. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Outside the Screaming Ivy Cabin**

Chris: So, you didn't chicken out.

Noah: Nope. It's six o'clock exactly.

Chris: I like a man who's punctual. Okay, take this. (He hands Noah a ski mask.)

Noah: Seriously? Do we need these?

Chris: You want to hide your identity, right? (He puts his on.) This will make it so nobody recognizes us.

Noah: I'll pass.

Chris: No! Put the damn ski mask on! We're not going to have our whole plan ruined by carelessness on your part. (Noah groans and puts the ski mask on. Chris nods in satisfaction.) Excellent. Now, come with me. (He leads Noah over to a window leading into the Screaming Ivy Girls Cabin. There, inside, is Mr. Fan, sitting by himself.)

Chris: Look at him. He doesn't suspect a thing.

Noah: Chris, I think this might not be the best idea. Maybe we shouldn't do this.

Chris: NO! We have both sacrificed too much to get here. We can't step down now.

Noah: What have we sacrificed? We could turn back right now, and we wouldn't have lost anything.

Chris: You'll have lost Izzy. You don't understand the severity of the situation, obviously. You see, Mr. Fan isn't like other men. He'll give you pleasure like you've never experienced it before. But Mr. Fan will play with your emotions, tug on them sharply. He'll rip out your heart, chew it up in his propeller blades, spit it out, stomp on it until it's just a mushy paste on the ground. Yet you'll keep coming back for more. Because you're a slave. A SLAVE TO DEVOTION!

Noah: It's just a fan! Not some sort of omnipotent being!

Chris: That's what you think, Noah. But you haven't experienced a night with Mr. Fan. You don't know what it's like. And trust me, if Izzy stays with Mr. Fan much longer, you'll have lost her forever. This is not just about saving your manhood, Noah, this is about saving your girlfriend. (Noah sighs.)

Noah: Then let's just get this over with.

Chris: Okay, then let's get this done before anyone arrives at the cabin. (They quickly sneak through the door, and grab Mr. Fan by the handles on either side. Chris nods at Noah.) Alright, we're going to lift on three. Ready? One, two, three. (The two lift the fan up, and Noah groans in pain.)

Noah: Ow.

Chris: What happened?

Noah: I think both my arms were just pulled out of their sockets.

Chris: We have no time for your old man-like health, Noah! (He suddenly hears Gwen and Beth, approaching the cabin.) They're coming! We have to get out of here! (Despite Noah's pain, the two throw open the door to the cabin, hefting Mr. Fan with them, and quickly sprint off in the direction of the docks. They just avoid Gwen and Beth noticing them as the two girls walk up towards the cabin, talking.)

Gwen: My, I really didn't think the day where Courtney and Trent turned against each other would come so soon. It's not even the merge yet!

Beth: And I can't believe it's practically all my doing! (They start to walk up the steps to the cabin, when Trent walks out of the boys' side and halts them.)

Trent: I need to talk to you two.

Gwen: We're not interested in whatever you want, Trent.

Trent: C'mon, give me a chance. Give me nine seconds to catch your attention.

Gwen: I'll give you ten.

Trent: No, give me nine! It's my lucky number!

Gwen: Fine, nine. Go.

Trent: I know you two are voting for me right now, but I want you to reconsider. (He smiles.) I know you two secretly want to vote for Courtney. You know she's a bigger threat than me.

Beth: It's true, she is.

Trent: You're wasting my nine seconds, Beth! Anyways, if you two vote with me, we'll have five votes against Courtney. Cody's already in on the plan. I talked to Noah just a few minutes ago, and he seems to be on board, too. Five votes are enough to take Courtney out, as there are eight people on our team.

Gwen: Great, Trent. You can count.

Trent: Will you do it or not?

Gwen: I'll consider.

Trent: Tell me now.

Gwen: Why?

Trent: Just tell me!

Gwen: Fine! Beth and I will vote for Courtney! Are you happy now? (She suddenly realizes Trent has disappeared.) Where did he go?

Beth: That was creepy. So are we actually going to vote for Courtney?

Gwen: I don't see why not. Just imagine, Beth! No more of her rants about toothpaste conservation!

Beth: Oh, yes, that'll be heaven. (The two enter the cabin, fantasizing happily.)

**Killer Redwoods Cabin (Boys)**

(Ezekiel stands in front of the mirror, taking deep breaths. He's now in his full pop star get-up, complete with Katie's skinny jeans. He takes out some maple syrup and slathers his hair in it, to style it just the way he likes. Once he's satisfied, he grins at his own reflection, admiring his looks. However, his reflection's expression quickly turns into a sneer.)

Ezekiel's Reflection: Look at you. Using maple syrup as a hair product. You're not a pop star. And you know what? You're going to fail. The whole camp is going to laugh at you.

Ezekiel: Who… who are you? Hoo do you know this, eh?

Ezekiel's Reflection: Who am I? Why, I'm you, Ezekiel. At least, I'm the reasonable side of you. And I know you're going to fail because it's obvious. You can't sing, you have no style, and for god's sakes, stop saying "Jack my swag" all the time! It doesn't make you sound gangster, it makes you sound like a moron!

Ezekiel: J-jack… J-jack my swag isn't cool?

Ezekiel's Reflection: Oh, it's cool. But not when you say it! In fact, if you ever do anything that's considered cool, you always manage to make it seem retarded! Face it, Ezekiel. You don't know what to do with yourself. You keep on trying these ways to fit in, and every time, you just isolate yourself even more from the normal teens.

Ezekiel: I-I… I'm normal, eh! Why would you say such mean things to me? (Geoff, DJ, and Tyler, who are also in the cabin, look up and see him yelling at his reflection. They watch as he listens to some unheard voice, before speaking up again.)

Ezekiel: C'mon, eh! I'm not an emotional train wreck! (He pauses, listening. Then he scowls.) My package is plenty big enough, I'll have you know! (The three jocks look at each other and shrug. They get off their bunks, and Geoff comes up and places a calming hand on Ezekiel's shoulder. Ezekiel whips around to face him, his eyes blood-shot and his face pale.)

Geoff: Whoa, dude! Are you okay, man? (Ezekiel's eyes soften.)

Ezekiel: Yeah. Just some nerves, eh. I don't want to fail in front of everyone tonight while I'm singing.

Geoff: Dude, you're not going to fail. And even if you do, look at it this way. In every bowl of Raisin Bran, there are two scoops of raisins.

Ezekiel: Um… what does that mean, eh?

Geoff: Hm. I don't know. I didn't really think about that metaphor before I said it. The point is, you can't fear failure, dude! You have to embrace it, like a welcome acquaintance. Learn to love failure like you love yourself. Because after all, all you really are is failure. Actually, no, that sounded really bad. What I'm saying is, you want to learn to use your failure to your advantage. Then get control over your failure. In fact, make failure your bitch!

Ezekiel: Thanks, Geoff. I'll heed your advice carefully.

Geoff: Then, once you get back to the cabin after rocking it onstage, we'll throw the most massive party you've ever seen! It'll be so big, it'll send Katie through ten menstrual cycles in two minutes.

Ezekiel: Damn, that's big. Well, thanks for the support, guys. It really means a lot, eh.

DJ: We're all rooting for you, Ezekiel. We hope you do great! (Tyler glares at DJ.)

Tyler: DJ, why would you say something like that?

DJ: What did I say now? (Ignoring him, Tyler turns to face Ezekiel, and grabs him by his shoulders.)

Tyler: Ezekiel, don't listen to DJ. He doesn't know how to keep a positive attitude. He doesn't believe in you. But I do. So fight through adversity, Ezekiel, no matter what it takes! Can you do that for me?

Ezekiel: I will do that, eh. I will do all of that! (His eyes fill up with tears.) You guys are the best friends a man could ask for. Thank you so much, eh.

Tyler: Don't thank us. Thank me and Geoff. (DJ rolls his eyes at this.) NOW GO! FLY, EZEKIEL, FLY! (Ezekiel nods.)

Ezekiel: I _will_ fly! (With that, he lunges out the window. There is a huge thud as he hits the railing outside the cabin, before spilling onto the ground, moaning in pain. Then he gets up, and runs off, cheering and whooping. Tyler then turns to DJ accusingly.)

Tyler: I can't believe you, DJ. Trying to crush a man's dreams? That's just sick. (He shakes his head in disgust, and walks back to his bunk, leaving DJ standing there, perplexed.)

**Confession Cam**

**DJ: Obviously, this little conflict with Tyler has not been resolved yet. But I'm going to get to the bottom of it before too long. Seriously, he critiques everything I do! He even critiques how I breathe! He says I don't use my diaphragm enough. Since when is there a correct way to breathe?**

**Geoff: I know Ezekiel's gonna rock it. The dude's got spunk, after all. And then after he's done with that, I'm gonna throw the hugest party ever! We might even able to uproot the cabin from the ground; we'll be partying so hard. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Outside of the Screaming Ivy Cabin**

(Gwen is now exiting the cabin, having changed clothes. She looks forward, and gasps in surprise. There, underneath a tree just ten yards away, are Trent and Courtney, holding hands. Trent beams and stares into Courtney's eyes, making the C.I.T. giggle. Gwen raises her eyebrows, and rubs her eyes furiously. When she looks again, they're gone. She shrugs.)

Gwen: Hm. Must've just been a trick of the light. A very detailed trick of the light.

**Confession Cam**

**Gwen: So I'm exiting the cabin, when I see Courtney and Trent holding hands, just ten yards away. Why would you be holding hands if you've been trying to backstab each other all afternoon? At first I thought it was just a trick of the light, but then the more I thought about it, the more I realized that there's no way light could do something that vivid. So now I'm extremely confused. What is going on that none of us know about? What are we all so blind to? I've got a bad feeling. I just know something bad is going to happen tonight. **

**Noah: Well, Chris and I did it. Mr. Fan is at the bottom of Lake Wawanakwa now. And as much as I feel relieved about it, I also feel extremely guilty. I mean, I know it's just a fan. But I just know Izzy will be crushed. (He shrugs.) Whatever. It was about time she ended her constant relationships with inanimate objects, and started moving to humans. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Campfire Ceremony**

Chris: Well, here we are. (He looks out at Lindsay, Beth, Izzy, Cody, Trent, Courtney, Gwen, and Noah, sitting on tree stumps.) Now, before we get to the campfire ceremony, which surely is going to be a dramatic one, we have a performance for everyone! Everyone turn your attention to the stage Chef has set up in front of you. And give a warm Wawanakwa welcome to… Bieber Zeke!

Courtney: God, he's actually doing a performance?

Chris (grinning with his camera out, ready to film): I know. This is going to YouTube straight away. (Suddenly, there is a puff of smoke, and Ezekiel appears on the stage, wearing a purple sweater vest and tight pink skinny jeans. He's also added sparkling sequins to his toque. His hair looks more like Justin Bieber's than ever before, and he's wearing blue shades that are five sizes too big for his head. He strikes a pose, to the laughter of the Screaming Ivy team. He grins, thinking they are laughing with him, and nods at Chef to toss him a mic. Chef tosses it to him and it hits the homeschool in the head, knocking him over. This makes the audience members laugh even harder. Ezekiel, stumbling around but grinning, grabs the mic and starts yelling into it.)

Ezekiel: How are you all doin' tonight, eh?! Are you excited to be here?

Audience: Noooooo!

Ezekiel: I can't hear you! (He puts a hand to his ear.)

Audience: NOOOOOOOOO! (Ezekiel claps his hands.)

Ezekiel: That's the spirit! My name's Bieber Zeke, the world-renoo'ned singer-songwriter. But you know what? I started out just like you guys, before I became a pop star, eh. Well, actually I started out as a sexist, Vitamin-D deprived homeschool. Then I became a wannabe gangster, followed by a rabid monster, then a maniac hell bent on taking over the camp, then a normal guy just tryin' to fit in, then a Pokemon master, then a nudist body painter, then a shoo'wer fanatic, then a ladies' man, before I finally became what I am today.

Trent: A loser?

Ezekiel: No! A winner! And I've got a great show for you tonight. You will cry, you will laugh, you will probably poop in your pants, eh. But it'll all be worth it in the end, trust me. Now, we're gonna slow things down for my first song. Men, if you've got a lady in the crowd, put yer arm around her, eh! And men, if you've got a man in the crowd, I aint hatin', you can put yer arm around him, too. And ladies, if there's another lady in the crowd that you wanna put yer arm around, then don't hold back, and don't mind me if I get a nosebleed, eh! Heh heh. And if you aint got a girl, or another man, then you can always hug yourself, eh. Because self-acceptance is an important trait to have. Really accepting oneself is all you can ever—

Courtney: Just get on with it!

Ezekiel: Okay, Courtney. Courtney! You came to see my performance, eh!

Courtney: We all were forced to, you moron!

Ezekiel: Coolio. Well, I'll make sure that this is a night you guys won't forget. So, put yer arm around whoever you want! It doesn't matter who it is! Just put yer arm around someone, eh! I won't start singing until that happens. (Tentatively, Noah puts his arm around Izzy. She responds by biting his neck. Noah grimaces in pain, but smiles when she puts her arm around him, too. Chris gives the bookworm the thumbs-up, before putting his arm around Chef, only to get shoved off. Gwen groans as Cody puts his arm around her, and Lindsay and Beth put their arms around each other. Now that leaves only Trent and Courtney, who refuse to look at each other, their arms crossed. Ezekiel smiles at them.)

Ezekiel: C'mon, you two. Just put yer arms around each other!

Courtney and Trent: NO!

Ezekiel: Fine, sheesh. I'll just get started with the song, then. (He is about to start singing into the mic, when suddenly, Katie's voice rings out over the campfire pit.)

Katie: EZEKIEL, ARE THOSE MY SKINNY JEANS YOU'RE WEARING?! (Ezekiel drops the mic in fear.)

Ezekiel: You said I could borrow them, eh! No! Stay back! AHHHHH! (He runs off stage as Katie chases after him. Everyone is silent for a while, not speaking, as they listen to Ezekiel scream from over by the docks. Finally, Katie comes walking by, her skinny jeans in her hands, ripped and torn and covered in mud. She stomps by, and off to the cabin. Five seconds later, Ezekiel walks back on stage, in only his underwear. He chuckles awkwardly, before throwing his hands up in the air.)

Ezekiel: Tah-dah! (Chris coughs, loosening his collar.)

Chris: Um, I hate to break it to you, Ezekiel, but I think this may be the end to your pop star career. But then again, you could only really go up from here.

Chef: Hey, don't you be hating! (He salutes Ezekiel.) I thought you did an excellent job, soldier. The song had a catchy tune; the lyrics were nice and simple… I think you did fine!

Trent: He didn't even sing!

Chef: SHUT UP, BOY! You're just jealous that you couldn't come up with lyrics that he did! (He looks towards the stage, and sees that Ezekiel's gone.) Where'd he go? (They all see Ezekiel with his shoulders slumped as he walks away in his underwear. Chef glares at Trent.)

Chef: NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID, YOU PIECE OF ****!

Trent: Oh, he'll be fine. He'll just move onto some other dumb obsession. (Everyone continues to scowl at him.) Geez, people are touchy tonight.

Gwen: What happened to "leaving with your dignity", Trent? I thought you might be turning a new leaf.

Trent: It doesn't matter what happened to that. I was weak back then. I realized that I need to win this competition. I can't give up now.

Gwen: That doesn't mean you have to be a jerk!

Trent: It also doesn't mean I have to be nice, either. (Gwen just stares at him, shaking her head in disbelief.)

**Confession Cam**

**Ezekiel: *Sniff*… As kind as Chef's words were, I knew it was over. Trent's right. You only get one chance in this industry, and I blew it, eh. (He stares down at the ground for a few more seconds, before his eyes brighten and he smiles.) Oh well! Now I can just switch to my plan B: Being a toilet diver! That's much more rewarding anyways. (He takes out a scuba suit, puts it on, and climbs into the toilet. Winking, he closes the lid behind him.)**

**End of Confessionals **

Chris: Okay, time to get down to business. We've got lots of questioning to get to, if we want to sort through the mess that this team's become. (He places both hands on his knees, and faces them.) Screaming Ivy, you lost both challenges today, rather pathetically. The Killer Redwoods crushed you into the dirt! Who do you believe is the main reason for this?

Gwen: It's obviously Trent. He threw the first challenge, and then he didn't even compete in the second challenge.

Trent: Oh yeah? And what did _you _do, Gwen? That's right! Nothing! You just sat there and acted Goth!

Courtney: No, Gwen's right, Trent. You tried to be the leader, and you failed pathetically. You almost _killed _Izzy!

Trent: Why does everybody have to keep bringing that up? (He beckons to Izzy.) Izzy's alive! Izzy's healthy! Not mentally, of course, but we can't help that. I don't see what I did wrong.

Noah: Personally, I can't think of anything you did _right_.

Courtney: I wouldn't be getting on his case, Noah. We lost the second challenge under _your _leadership!

Noah: Hey, I won _my _round. What did you do? Oh yeah! Stampede around like a raging bull until you went right off the platform!

Courtney: Not even true. And you only won because Tyler was an idiot. If it weren't for him, you would've been humiliated by DJ!

Noah: It doesn't matter what should've happened. I won, and you didn't, simple as that.

Trent: Hey, Courtney wasn't the only one who lost her round. _Lindsay _over here was too busy sexting Chris during the challenge to even pay attention!

Chris: We weren't sexting! Were we, Lindsay?

Lindsay (looking down at her phone): I don't know. Does "Your DDD's have got me D-d-delirious" count as sexting?

Trent: Yes, it does! You should've been paying attention to the challenge, Lindsay, instead of the creepy messages Chris was sending you.

Beth: How do you know about all this, Trent? You weren't even there at the duels!

Trent: I was there in my heart. I could see everything. I saw _you_, Beth, waste tomatoes like you waste beauty products on a face that will never be improved. (Beth gasps at this, and tears well up in her eyes.)

Gwen: Okay, that's just crossing the line, Trent.

Trent: Oh, so there are lines now? Sorry, Gwen, but the lines between good and bad in this game are so skewed that it's impossible to cross any of them!

Gwen: There's still a line, Trent, and you crossed it. That was not okay.

Trent: Let's switch the focus back to _Courtney_. (Courtney scowls at him, and he smirks back at her.) So tell us, Courtney, is there a reason you felt it necessary to grill Lindsay and Beth like prisoners?

Courtney: Oh, don't you even try to attack me, Trent! I'll take you down!

Trent: I'll attack you if I want!

Courtney: No you won't!

Trent: YES I WILL!

Courtney: No you won't! _I am a C.I.T_.!

Gwen: Oh, enough of that bull****. You've been using that excuse since the first episode of Season 1. And what? Do you think that it makes you more entitled than the rest of us?

Courtney: It means I have a certain authority that is meant to be respected!

Gwen: You still blew it today, Courtney, and you know it.

Courtney: Well, what about Cody? (Cody looks up in surprise.)

Cody: Yeah, what about me?

Courtney: Well, for one, you were in the infirmary during the immunity challenge, so you didn't help us at all there. And second, I happen to remember you pretty much doing the entire reward challenge on the Killer Redwoods team!

Cody: Hey, you can't blame me for that. (He places both hands on his heart.) I was driven by love. And love is a powerful—

Gwen: We don't care if you were driven by love! You're not going to win over Katie, and if you do, she'll just be using you!

Cody: I'm astonished to hear you say that, Gwen. I thought you, of all people, would want me to be happy—

Gwen: You won't be happy if you're with Katie! She'll just turn you into a slave, like she turned DJ!

Cody (crossing his arms): Whatever. But I won't give up. THE CODE-MEISTER DOESN'T RELENT!

Noah: I still think Trent is the main reason for our problems.

Trent: Hey, it's not all me! And what about Izzy? We haven't talked about her yet. (They all look over at Izzy, who has been mysteriously silent, and see her stuffing rocks into her pants.)

Beth: Um… what are you doing?

Izzy: Preparing, my dear child. (Her eyes glint excitedly.)

Trent: Yeah… okay. But seriously, I think we're all forgetting about what Izzy did earlier today. Remember her rolling rampage? She nearly flattened everyone! She is a hazard to the team, a hazard to the environment, and a hazard to humanity in general.

Izzy: Thank you for the beautiful compliment, Trent. (She wipes a happy tear away from her eye.) That's the kindest thing anyone's ever said to me.

Trent: See? Look at her! She relishes the fact that she's a psychopath like one would relish a fine glass of wine and a good book!

Courtney (sarcastically): Oh, and you're perfectly sane, Trent.

Trent: Well, I certainly don't go down on air conditioning devices, like she does!

Courtney: Even if you are saner than Izzy, everyone agrees you're still our weakest link. That's why we abandoned you in a ditch.

Trent: How could _I_ be the weakest link? (He props up his leg on the stump next to him, and points to it.) Look at these calves! They're the best, juiciest calves on the whole team. My calves are like two ripe, juicy cantaloupes!

Noah: Yeah… we really don't need that description. Face it, Trent. This team would be ten times better without you.

Trent: Oh, c'mon! At least I don't… (As he and Noah continue to argue, Courtney and Gwen start to have at it as well. Izzy starts arguing with Cody, and Beth and Lindsay start yelling at each other about who-knows-what. Chris sits there, watching the commotion with a depressed expression. He tries to speak, but can't get his voice heard over the chaos. His eyelid twitches. The host then yells as loud as he can.)

Chris: SILENCE! (Everyone falls silent. Chris stands up, and starts to pace back and forth. He stops for a second and looks at them, before pacing for another five minutes. Finally, he stops, and sits back down on his stump. He addresses the campers.)

Chris: I'm not quite sure what's happened, guys. What I overheard just now did not impress me, I'm afraid to say. I heard betrayal, I heard fighting, I heard hormones raging at the speed of light. (He lets out an exasperated sigh.) This team used to be so tight, so indestructible! (He beckons to them in frustration.) But what I see before me is no team at all! I see a team that backstabs each other at every turn, I see a team that is slowly crumbling before my eyes! (He wipes a tear away from his eye.) And it makes me sad. I used to look at you guys and say, "Now that's a team I'm proud of. That's a team I'd like to be on." But that's not the case anymore. (He starts to silently weep.)

Gwen: God, Chris, calm down! It's not that big of a deal!

Chris: It _is _a big deal! Here at Total Drama, we want each team to be a close-knit, loving group there to support each other through every bump in the road. But not you guys. You know where I think this all began? Once Alejandro left. Sure, he was selfish, sure he was arrogant, but he was a leader. Does this team even have a leader anymore?

Courtney (glaring at Trent): Only one that that was a self-centered _jerk_!

Trent: At least I didn't have to _cheat _my way into the competition! At least I don't have my lawyer fight all my battles for me!

Courtney: Now you're bringing out the lawyer card? How dare you! HOW DARE YOU! (They are about to lunge at each other, when Chris halts them.)

Chris: Whoa whoa whoa, guys! Calm down, please. Since when did you two become mortal enemies?

Courtney: Ever since Trent went around telling people to vote me off.

Trent: You were doing the exact same thing!

Chris: Ooo, this is juicy! I love it! (He claps his hands in delight.) I love backstabbing.

Noah: Chris, just five seconds ago you were talking about how you hated all the backstabbing going on!

Chris: Huh? No I didn't. You must be mistaken.

Noah: Whatever.

Chris: So, Trent and Courtney turning against each other. (He starts writing in his notepad.) How could I turn that into a good chapter name? Should I call it, "Trent and Courtney Turn Against Each Other?" Or does that give away too much? Maybe it should be something like "The Flowers in the Rain Storm". Or maybe that's too abstract. Maybe I should stick with a simple one, like "Chris Acts Super Sexy". But then again, every chapter of this story could be titled that.

Gwen: What are you talking about? Seriously, Chris, sometimes we all have no idea what the hell you're smoking.

Chris (clutching his head): I don't know. I don't think I've been getting enough sleep. It's because of my new mattress. It's soooo lumpy! I don't know what's in there, but it's giving me the worst back problems. Whatever, I'll figure that out later. Okay, time to vote.

**Confession Cam**

**Izzy (wiping her sweat away from her forehead): Whew. My grenade collection remains undiscovered for another day. **

**Courtney: One vote for Trent. (She smirks.) Nobody will have ever seen this coming. **

**Beth: Trent, you tried to kill Izzy, you insulted me to the point of tears, and you bragged about your calves. You're a poser if I ever saw one. But I'm still not voting for you. Does that make me an idiot? Probably. But I have to stick with what I know will benefit me with my game moving forward. (She grins.) OMG, that sounded sooo strategic! **

**Gwen: As much as I want to believe that either Trent or Courtney will be going home, I still have a horrible feeling that everyone's going to be shocked when they both somehow survive tonight. I know that sounds impossible, but I have these premonitions. These visions of dark destruction. Of desolate pain and misery. (She shrugs.) Guess it comes with being Goth. **

**Trent: So you think I'm going home? Well, I'll tell you right now, that's not going to happen. How, do you ask? Well, you'll have to see. (He pauses for a second.) Okay, who am I even addressing? **

**Noah: Well, either Trent or Courtney will finally be leaving. Oh, how sweet that will be! We'll have to throw a huge celebration. Maybe Izzy and I can… (He pauses, sighing.) Oh yeah. She'll probably be looking for Mr. Fan. And when she doesn't find him… (He grimaces.) Maybe that wasn't the best idea. But Chris was just so convincing, and… (Suddenly, he hears a gurgling noise coming from inside the toilet. Noah stops speaking, and his eyes widen. Slowly, he reaches down and lifts up the toilet seat. Ezekiel sticks his head out, wearing a scuba mask. The two stare at each other, before Noah looks at the camera. Slowly, the braniac lowers the toilet lid back down on Ezekiel. Then he waits for a second, before sprinting out of the Confessional as fast as he can.)**

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: Well, the votes have been tallied. And I must say, tonight is a shocker. Now, we don't have granola bars tonight, because the shipment we ordered didn't come in this morning as planned. So instead, we will be giving out… (He whips out a platter with seven tomatoes on it.) Tomatoes!

Gwen: You can't be serious. You're giving us frickin' _tomatoes_?

Chris: Hey, we still have an abundance of them from today's challenge. Besides, I kind of like the idea of immunity tomatoes. Just imagine, biting into the cool surface of the tomato, savoring the pulpy, succulent taste and the fact that you're safe and the others aren't.

Noah: Just imagine, hurling the tomato back at Chris's face, watching in satisfaction as it splatters over the host's surgically modified cheekbones, enjoying the fact that this man, who gives pointlessly detailed descriptions of biting into tomatoes, has been publicly shamed and humiliated in front of everyone.

Chris: You better not throw any tomatoes at me! Just for that, Noah, you get your tomato thrown at you. (He winds his arm back, and hurls the tomato as hard as he can at Noah. It goes about five feet forward, before plopping into the dirt. Everyone bursts out laughing, and Chris blushes as bright as a tomato.)

Chris: You were supposed to catch that, Noah!

Noah: How? It landed twenty yards away from me!

Chris: It was a good throw. You should've been there. Anyways, Noah, that means you're safe. (Noah shrugs and stands up, walking over to stand next to Chris.)

Chris: Now, for the rest of you, when I call your name, come up, and take your tomato. Remember, the person who does not receive a tomato not only must take the dangerous, dreaded walk to Redemption Cabin, but they also miss out on a great chance at getting a good source of Vitamin C. Vitamin C standing for Vitamin Chris.

Courtney: That's not what Vitamin C stands for.

Chris: Oh? Then what does it stand for? Vitamin Courtney? Ha, yeah right.

Cody: No, Vitamin C is actually just another word for Ascorbic acid. It helps with the growth and repair of tissue in your body. (Chris stares at him for a second.)

Chris: Nah, I'm pretty sure it stands for Vitamin Chris. Anyways, let's put this nutrition debate aside for a moment and get with the calling of the names. When I call your name, you know what to do. (He pauses.) Gwen. (Gwen heaves a sigh of relief, and grabs her tomato. Chris scowls at her as she takes a random one off the platter without even looking.)

Chris: What was that? You didn't even look at your tomato before you took it!

Gwen: So?

Chris: _So_? You didn't even check to see if it was ripe! You didn't feel its skin, you didn't check for bruises, you just took a random tomato without a single cautionary measure!

Gwen: I'm sorry. So what, do I get put in jail now?

Chris: I'll let you off with a warning. Alright, the next two tomatoes go to Lindsay and Beth. (The two girls squeal, and run up to grab their tomatoes. They then hug each other happily. Chris wipes a tear away from his eye.)

Chris: Ah, the beauty of friendship. See, that's what I want to see more of on this team.

Trent: You want to see us act like brain-washed, squealing idiots?

Chris: I want you to hug! Hugging is such a powerful thing, you know. One hug could be the difference between a man becoming a successful TV show host, and him committing suicide. That man was me. The hug was from Chef. (His eyes fill up with tears.) I'll never forget that day. It was a Thursday. We were—

Courtney: We don't want to hear any more gay stories of you and Chef! Just get on with it!

Chris: Fine! But you're not getting the next tomato because of that. The next tomato goes to Izzy! (Izzy walks up, and looks at each tomato. She picks up the first one and glances at it for a second, before putting it down. She picks up the second one, and puts it to her lips. Slowly, she wraps her tongue around the outside of the tomato, coating it in her saliva. Then she puts it back down on the tray, and grabs the third tomato.)

Izzy: I'll take this one.

Courtney: No way. Chris, she can't do that! She licked that tomato, now she has to take it!

Chris: Now now, she was just making sure she was choosing the right tomato. An important choice, really.

Trent: God, will you stop treating these tomatoes like they're divine spirits?! They're just f**king tomatoes! They're not magical, they're not special, and choosing which one you want should not be treated like choosing a religion!

Chris (shaking his head): They're more than tomatoes, Trent. You just can't see the big picture, can you?

Trent: And what, when you go to the farmer's market, is it like attending a religious convent? Seriously, this is ridiculous.

Chris: Whatever, Trent. You need to watch your mouth, though, young man. (He looks back at the three remaining campers yet to have received a tomato.) Cody, Courtney, and Trent, there are only two tomatoes left on my plate. The next tomato goes to Cody. (A collective sigh of relief comes from the group already with their tomatoes at seeing that the bottom two is, in fact, Courtney and Trent. Gwen shrugs and smiles at Noah.)

Gwen: I guess they were just trying to mess with our heads. (Noah nods.)

Noah: This should be fun to watch. (Chris now faces Courtney and Trent, beaming sadistically.)

Chris: Well, well, well. Courtney and Trent. The bottom two. I didn't think I'd see this. (He sneers at Trent.) Not so cocky now, are we? Now you don't have any more snide comments. Not when I know your fate, and I can choose to prolong the revealing of it with as many "Dot Dot Dot's" as I want to. (He turns and smirks at Courtney.) Not so loud now, either. Well, one of you will not receive the final tomato. Who's it gonna be? Let's find out right now. (He stares at Courtney and Trent, who are both trembling fiercely now. He looks into Trent's fearful eyes. He stares at Courtney's chattering teeth. Then he glances at Lindsay's chest. Finally, he picks up the final tomato, and holds it into the air.)

Chris: THE FINAL TOMATO! WHO WILL RECEIVE IT? LET US BEGIN THE CEREMONY! Chef, begin the bongo drums! (He claps his hands, and Chef starts to beat on two bongo drums, chanting. Chris strokes the tomato for a second, before speaking once more.)

Chris: Courtney, Trent, your actions have a price. And now, one of you will pay the ultimate sacrifice. Who's it gonna be? (He takes a deep breath.) The final tomato goes to…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

Neither of you! Because it's a tie! (Everyone gasps, and Chris nods.)

Chris: Yep, we have our first tie vote of the season. Both Trent and Courtney received four votes each. (Everyone is silent, in shock. Finally, Gwen speaks.)

Gwen: So… what does that mean? Will there be a tie-breaker?

Noah: Will there be a revote?

Izzy: Will there be a group orgy? (Everyone stares at her.) What? I'm just trying to throw out some suggestions here!

Chris: Actually, we have a new rule for tie votes this year. After Total Drama World Tour, where we kept on having tie votes and didn't know what to do, we decided to make a new set-in-stone rule for when they happen this year.

Beth: So what is the new rule?

Chris: It's one I'm sure you're not going to be too happy with. Please don't maul me after I've said it.

Cody: Well, what is it, man? Tell us! (Chris swallows deeply, and chuckles.)

Chris: Well, according to the Total Drama Returns Rulebook, in the case of a tie vote, there will be a revote. But, there's a twist…

Gwen (her teeth clenched): Tell us, Chris. (Chris tugs at his collar, and continues speaking.)

Chris: So yeah, there will be a revote. But here's the twist. You can vote for everyone…

Courtney: … except for the people that received votes previously. (Everybody gasps, and turns to see her and Trent, smirking.)

Noah: Wait a minute. _What_? (Courtney and Trent stand up, holding hands and smiling.)

Courtney: Yep. It's the new rule. Says so right here in the Total Drama rulebook. (She holds it up.)

Lindsay: Um… why is there a picture of Kyle naked on the front?

Trent (shrugging): Don't ask.

Gwen: Wait a minute. So are you saying that because we all voted for Trent and Courtney the first time around, that means we can't vote for them again?

Chris: Yep. Heh heh. (He backs away from Gwen.) DON'T HURT ME! I didn't make the rule! It was Chef! JUST DON'T KILL ME! If I had known that it would've happened with Trent and Courtney, I wouldn't have made the rule! I swear!

Courtney: Well, it's the rule nonetheless.

Noah: Wait… so that means Courtney and Trent are _automatically safe_?!

Chris: Unfortunately, yes. The rest of you aren't, however. So I'm going to have to ask you to pass back your tomatoes, and take a seat back on the stumps. (Everyone, in shock, shuffles by Chris and places their tomato back on the tray, so that there are seven again. Gwen sits down on the stump next to Noah, still speechless.)

Gwen: This… this can't be happening…

Courtney: Oh, it's happening, Gwenny. (The Goth girl looks forward, and sees Courtney and Trent now standing towards the front, facing the rest of the Screaming Ivy members with cocky grins on their faces. Courtney rubs Trent's back, while Trent massages her shoulder.)

Gwen: Wait a minute. It all makes sense now… the fact that you suddenly turned on each other, out of the blue… talking to us individually and convincing us to vote for the other… you were planning this all along!

Trent: Spot on, Gothy. It required perfect precision, but we were able to go behind the scenes and manipulate all of you so that exactly four people would vote for Courtney and four people would vote for me. You all fell into our trap perfectly.

Gwen: I saw you two holding hands before the Campfire Ceremony! I should've realized it then… (She clutches her face.) God, I'm so stupid.

Beth: So what happens now?

Trent: What happens now? Well, I'll tell you what happens now. One of the six of you is getting kicked off. Now Courtney and I just get to watch as your alliance crumbles before our very eyes.

Chris: Precisely, Trent. And the best part is, the six of you will have no time to strategize, no time to figure out who's voting for who.

Courtney: Exactly. So this should be fun. (She smirks at Noah, who is staring at the ground.) Smart little Noah. Thought he had gotten rid of us. (Suddenly, Noah looks up at her, his face contorted in anger.)

Noah: Shut up! Stop acting so cocky, for god's sake! The only reason you two are safe is because everyone hated you! But so what? We'll just vote you off next time! And that time, you won't get off on some cheap rule!

Trent: Hm? Is that a temper I see coming from you, Noah? I didn't know you had it in you. (Noah just shakes his head, trembling in anger, and doesn't speak. Izzy pats him on the back. Meanwhile, Chris is counting the tomatoes.)

Chris: Okay, there are the seven tomatoes. See? Look guys! I've finally mastered counting! (Everybody just scowls at him.) Gosh, why are you so angry at me? Okay, look, I get it. The rule's cheap. But a rule is a rule, so therefore, this rule must be ruled.

Beth: Let's just get on with the revote, then.

Chris: Alright, first, let me give Trent and Courtney their tomatoes. (Trent and Courtney each grab a tomato, and bite in. Trent licks his lips after he's done swallowing his bite.)

Trent: You're right, Chris, that _does _taste good. It tastes even better knowing that one of these losers won't be getting to taste it. (He sneers over at Noah, making the bookworm's face grow red in anger.)

Chris: Oh, yay! (He turns to Lindsay, Beth, Cody, Noah, Gwen, and Izzy, who are all still glaring at him.) See? Trent learned to love tomatoes! Isn't that great? (When they continue to glare at him, he sighs.) Listen, I'm sorry about this. I'll make it up to you, okay? At least, the five of you who make it past tonight. As for the person who gets voted off, well, sorry about that.

Courtney: Oh, Trent, I can't believe this worked… (She looks into his eyes lovingly. Trent looks back tenderly.)

Trent: It was us against the world, baby, but we still did it. (The two then start to make out in front of everyone, getting groans and boos from most of the campers. Noah sits there on his stump, staring at them incredulously.)

Noah: I literally feel physically sick. Stop acting like you're the king and queen of the world! And stop making out, it's making me want to puke! (His fists shake in frustration as he says this. Courtney smiles sweetly at the angry nerd.)

Courtney: Oh, stop being a poor sport, Noah. Face it; you and your little friends got played. So if you don't want to watch us make out, why don't you leave?

Noah: Okay, I will! (He stomps off in anger. Chris watches him leave, and shrugs.)

Chris: Okay, while Noah's having his little angst fit, we're going to take a short break. (He begins the sign-off.)

**After that shocker, who will be voted off and sent to Redemption Cabin to face Alejandro in the most dramatic Redemption Cabin duel yet? **

**Will it be Gwen, Izzy, Cody, Lindsay, Noah, or Beth?**

**Will Courtney and Trent continue to elude elimination? **

**Will Nizzy remain if Izzy learns of what Noah did to Mr. Fan? **

**Will Tyler ever give DJ a break?**

**What other Disney Channel shows will Chef subject the campers to?**

**And what sort of crazy challenges await the competitors?**

**See it all right here on the next jaw-dropping episode of**

**Total Drama Returns! **

**Note: **Well, there you go. I hope that was dramatic enough for you. I know you probably wanted Courtney or Trent to go, but for now, they're a large part of the drama, so they'll stay, for at least a little while longer. Anyways, the next chapter will begin with the revote and elimination, followed by the Redemption Cabin duel. The only reason I didn't include the revote in this chapter was because this chapter was getting way too long. And I wanted to leave you guys with a cliff-hanger. So review telling me what you thought of this chapter and what you think will happen!

**Votes: **

Trent—Courtney

Courtney—Trent

Noah—Trent

Gwen—Courtney

Beth—Courtney

Lindsay—Trent

Izzy—Trent

Cody—Courtney

Courtney: 4

Trent: 4

**(Tie Vote)**

**NEXT TIME: **After a shocking conclusion to the campfire ceremony that leaves everyone breathless, the Redemption Cabin duel brings a lot of bad memories back for one competitor. Meanwhile, one camper is in for the fight of his life when his whole team is out to get him after discovering his secret.


	37. Day 12 Part 1: Not A Game For Smartasses

**Total Drama Returns**

The Cheesebub's Message: Well, I said this chapter would be out in November, and it's now December. I guess that makes me lose all my credibility. However, it's December 3, so I'm going to round down to November. There, that's better. Anyways, sorry for another mini-hiatus. All throughout this fall, I had to adjust to high school as well as running Cross Country every afternoon. However, Cross Country is now over, so I think I can get out some pretty quick updates. I hope to have 4-5 updates between now and the end of January. It's going to be a lot of work, but I'm going to try to do it, for you guys. I hope you haven't given up on this fic yet, and that you're still willing to review it. I promise it WILL be finished, and sooner than you think. Now, what else? New poll on my profile you can check out. Also, if it's any consolation, this is another REALLY long chapter. Seriously, these are getting to be mini novels in themselves. Oh, and it's my BIRTHDAY TOMORROW! :D Not like you care, but yeah. This is my birthday present to you guys, I guess, for giving me the present of putting up with my horrible hiatuses. Okay, onto the review responding:

**ChloroFax—**Yeah, Tyler's been a dick lately, hasn't he? Sorry about that. When I was writing that chapter, I was just watching TDRI for the first time, and, well, after a season of Lightning, I had this stupid jock stereotype in my mind in which they were all arrogant pricks. Glad you liked the laugh track and the tomato throwing. So you think it will be a girl that gets booted? Your reasoning certainly makes sense. Read on to find out! Thanks for the review!

**the house master—**Yeah, Chef needs to get a life. And say, that's not a bad idea to have the laugh track return! You're very welcome. Thank you for the review!

**RedEyedWarrior—**That was a long review. Seriously, it took me five minutes to read. Five minutes of… INCREDIBLE PLEASURE! Seriously though, when I thought this chapter was doomed to get close to no reviews, this review seriously picked up my spirits. Thanks for that. Anyways, I agree that Tyler and DJ's conflict is pointless, but it's funny, right? I guess we can come to the conclusion that Chris is just a man who is wrong in many of his ideals. Courtney and Trent are important to the plot, but don't be surprised if one of them gets the boot earlier than you might have expected. So, you want Cody to go, but you think it will be Noah? Interesting. I admit, the preview for this episode was talking about Noah. But you'll have to see if he's eliminated. I agree, Katie is a better antagonist than Trent. Hopefully, a little bit more of your faith in Trent as an antagonist is restored after this chapter. Wow, I'm really happy how well-received the laugh track was! Funniest line on the site? Aw, shucks. Once again, thanks for the review!

**Jacky Dupree—**Wow, so everyone wants Cody to go. Hmm. I agree, Beth and Lindsay certainly have some storyline left in them. And yeah, Tyler was kind of a douche, wasn't he? Reading back over the chapter, he really came across a lot meaner than I intended for him to be. So you don't like Trentney? Okay, I'll admit, I didn't plan on it at first. But then I got some requests and I decided, "Aw, to hell with it. What's the worst that could happen?" Hopefully you don't hate it so much that it impedes with your reading of my story. And that last sentence of your review is quite true, readers do provide me with all the wonderful reviews. And I love that so much about them. Is that creepy? I think that's creepy. The line about the crazy FanFiction readers was simply Trent being a tool, not my personal opinion. I myself love to read a good FanFiction. Anyways, thank you for the review!

**NerdyBarista—**Glad it's worth taking the time! Yeah, I think Geoff and Ezekiel work better together as a bromance rather than a rivalry, even if they're both into Bridgette. Speaking of Bridgette, I'm glad you liked Bridgette whooping Courtney's ass. That seems like a rivalry I may want to expand on. Yeah, Lindsay texting Chris is disturbing… but unfortunately their relationship only gets creepier in this chapter. Sorry about that. The Screaming Ivy team is certainly at each other's throats, and after this chapter, it will only become more so. Another person with Cody on their mind for being eliminated! Wow, I was not expecting this. But yeah, your comments about Déjà vu and Noah's video tape certainly seem plausible. You'll have to see, I guess. Oh, and one more thing. I was just wondering: what's your technique for reviewing this fic? Do you go through the story and write the review as you go? As someone who struggles mightily to write a decent review, it'd be great if you could tell me your strategy. Thank you for the review!

**TotalDramaWreck—**What a poetic review that was! Thank you! You hope it will be Beth, but you think it will be Noah? Interesting, interesting. So you voted for Days 11, 4, and 10? I like the choices. Thank you for the interesting review!

**Moonfire157—**Thanks so much! I don't know if I've even laughed 1000 times in my lifetime, but still. Thank you for the review!

**HGGoneLuv1399—**Wonderful. Reading "Total Drama Returns" should be a shared experience, I agree. Okay, that sounded really arrogant. Anyways, thank you for the review, and thank you to your friend as well!

**monkeylove123—**That's okay. I totally understand what it's like to be stressed. Glad you're back, though! It's true, DJ never gets a break. Tyler's roaring for his blood, his girlfriend is planning to vote him off… poor guy. And yeah, I guess Trent and Courtney are kind of like Alejandro and Heather. Although I don't consider Trentney to be an official couple yet in this fic. Thank you for the review!

**IPink Cornflakes—**One of the greatest stories you've ever read? Thank you so much! See, this is the true reason why I aspire to get out chapters of this fic, no matter how much it sometimes pains me. You don't think the characters are OOC? Wow, that's a first. Once again, thank you for the review!

**Snowsky—**Thanks for putting this story on your favorites list! That means a lot. So you don't want Gwen to go home? It would be a shocker, for sure… hmm, we'll have to see, won't we? Thank you for the review!

**20cooler—**Aw, shucks. I'm sure there are plenty other stories that are ten times better than this one. But thanks anyway. Thank you for the gracious review!

**tdroti-lover—**Well, I guess four months isn't exactly "ASAP", but I hope you at least enjoy this chapter. Well, there's a 50% chance that Noah, Gwen, or Izzy will go, so we'll see. Thank you for the review!

**angie444—**I like Nizzy too. It's great to like Nizzy, isn't it? Thank you for the review!

**Guest—**Well, this is kind of belated, but yeah, he probably should've had a bigger role in the rebellion. However, the rebellion was mostly just for Ezekiel's epic return to the game. Duncan and Gwen are certainly popular. I don't know if they're the _most _popular, though. Thanks for the review!

**Jack Cowell—**Ezekiel is right behind you. Turn around. Just kidding! Anyways, I hope I didn't scare you, and thank you for the review!

**Chocolate567—**You'll see Owen's reaction in the Playa de Losers episode at the Final 5. Glad you like Nizzy, though! Thank you for the review!

**Haon—**Unfortunately, yes. Owen. Sorry that he had to go so early, I was just kind of sick of him using all the comedy for himself. Thank you for the review!

**SHABAMZ—**Judging on your username, are you perhaps Lightning in disguise? Just joking. Don't worry, I will not let the flame die! I actually didn't have writers' block for this chapter, I just had so much going on that I didn't have that much time to get around to just sitting down and writing this bad boy. But I promise that Total Drama Returns WILL live on! Thank you for all the kind things you said about my characters, I really enjoyed reading them. Thank you for the review!

**TDBigJ1213—**Glad you like Bieber Zeke! That's perfectly fine if you don't like Trent and Courtney for the rest of the fic. I will understand completely. Thanks for believing in this story! If you and all the other reviewers continue to believe, I think this story can really prosper. Thank you so much for the review!

**Guest—**Oh, I hope people haven't lost interest in me! I would understand if they have, though. With all the exciting new stories out there, mine, being from 2011, is practically a relic. Thanks for the review!

**tdangie—**AWESOMENESS, back at ya! Thanks for the review!

* * *

(Chris stands in the campfire pit. Sitting behind him on the wooden stumps is the Screaming Ivy team, glaring fiercely at him. Chris smiles widely at the camera, and then starts reading off a note card.)

Chris: Last time, on Total Drama Returns… We began the day with the first ever Redemption Cabin duel, between our favorite nude Nintendo nerd, Harold, and our favorite anorexic ladies' man, Alejandro! The Killer Redwoods chose to send Katie and Geoff to the duel, while the Screaming Ivy chose Lindsay and Beth. It was a close and gender-confused battle, but in the end, Alejandro lived to see another day. On the way to the duel, Katie baited Geoff into an alliance of four, along with DJ and Bridgette. However, Katie had other plans: to manipulate Geoff to oust none other than his best bud, DJ! My god, that girl is crafty. And speaking of strategy, Beth started randomly showing some of her own, when she and Lindsay decided to lie about the duel and claim that Duncan had actually returned to the game, all to throw Trent off his own game. Meanwhile, the rest of the campers got to enjoy a wonderful morning of workout videos with Yoga Master Hatchet. I envy them so much. I never get to do yoga with Chef! I mean, I even brought my own yoga pants just for the occasion. They fit perfectly. (He wipes a tear away from his eye.) I mean, why is Chef so mean to me sometimes? I feel like he—

Gwen: Get on with it! We have a campfire ceremony we need to get back to!

Chris: Fine. But if you saw how comfy and stylish these yoga pants were, you'd understand my lament. Anyways, we then moved on to the reward challenge, in which the two teams chose one camper to push in a glass ball through a dangerous obstacle course! Trent, weary of Duncan's return, stepped forth as the leader for his team, only to be abandoned by his team once they got tired of his bossy and selfish ways! Meanwhile, Cody had his eye on Katie, so he decided to try and help the Killer Redwoods, only to be abandoned as well. Both Cody and Trent faced their abandonment quite differently, though; while Cody later went on to help the Killer Redwoods to the victory, Trent almost killed Izzy in a pit of quicksand. (He shakes his head.) That boy's got issues. Next, after the campers enjoyed some more quality time with Chef, this time watching a Hannah Montana marathon, we moved onto our immunity challenge: Rolling Ball Duels! In Round One, Noah edged out DJ when Tyler, who has suddenly gained quite the grudge against the brickhouse, tackled DJ straight off the platform. Next, in Round Two, amidst a wonderful laugh track implanted by yours truly, Bridgette kept her cool and made Courtney look ridiculous as she cruised to an easy victory!

Courtney: I did NOT look ridiculous! Now get on to the part where we tricked all these losers into falling for our plan!

Chris: All in good time, Courtney, all in good time. Finally, in Round Three, Geoff and Ezekiel were able to edge Lindsay and Beth when Ezekiel, well… I think you know the story. It was messy. So, it was the Screaming Ivy's turn to send someone home. It seemed certain it would be Trent or Courtney, but the two lovebirds carefully devised a plan: one in which Courtney would convince Lindsay, Gwen, Izzy, and Tyler to vote for Trent, while Trent would convince Chef, Cody, Josh, and Heather to vote for Sasquatchanakwa, while—

Courtney: What are you talking about?! That's nothing how the vote went! _I _convinced everyone to vote for Trent, and then Trent quietly convinced Cody, Gwen, and Beth to vote for me, so the vote would be split evenly down the middle. And Tyler, Chef, Josh, Heather, and Sasquatchanakwa aren't even on our team! Did you even _watch _the episode?!

Chris: Geez, sorry! All the strategy mumbo jumbo bullshit is hard to follow! Anyways, what she said. At the Campfire Ceremony, after a wonderful performance by Bieber Zeke, the true dysfunctional nature of the Screaming Ivy was brought to light. In the end, Courtney and Trent's plan worked, and there was a tie vote between the two of them. This means that there will now be a revote, and nobody can vote for Trent or Courtney. So, now that the alliance of six must vote someone off, who will it be? Will it be clever Noah, dangerous Izzy, stupid Lindsay, eerie Gwen, perverted Cody, or pointless Beth? What will happen in another exciting Redemption Cabin duel? And will I ever get to wear those wonderful yoga pants? See it all right here, on today's crazy, Olympiad episode of: TOTAL DRAMA RETURNS! (He hurls his note card into the air, and strikes a pose. He then turns to the Screaming Ivy team.) How was that?

Trent: Truthfully? It was # $%-

**(Theme Song Plays)**

**Day 12 Part 1—Chapter 37:** **This Isn't a Game for Smartasses**

Noah: Uggh… (He sits at one of the picnic tables outside the cabins, rubbing his temples.) I can't believe Trent and Courtney were able to trick me. God, I hate Trent. And now I'm never going to hear the end of it from him. I probably shouldn't have stormed off like that, either... They could be plotting to vote me off as we speak. (He puts his head in his hands.) What am I going to do?

Geoff: I'm going to tell you what you're going to do, dude. (Noah looks up in surprise, and sees Geoff, sitting across the table from him.)

Noah: _Geoff_?! What are _you_ doing out here? (Geoff grins, and spreads his arms out like a bird.)

Geoff: I am living. Living life, dude! Feeling the fresh air rushing across my skin… the ground beneath my feet… the hat upon my head…

Noah: Get real, dude.

Geoff: Okay, I have no idea why I'm out here. But it's a good thing I am. I think I can help you with your problem, dude. Trent's been bothering you, huh? (Noah nods.)

Noah: Yes. But I really don't think there's anything you can do to help. It's a pretty complicated problem.

Geoff: Oh really? You know, Noah, my father always told me something.

Noah: What did he tell you?

Geoff: Well, when I was really young, he told me where babies came from. (He shudders.) Creepy, man. I always thought they came from cereal boxes! He also taught me that relationships aren't healthy without affairs. Thank god for that, dude!

Noah: What does this have to do with anything, Geoff?

Geoff: I'm getting to it! But the most important of all, he told me to be a stand-up guy. That's what you need to be, Noah. A stand-up guy.

Noah: Can you explain that to me?

Geoff: You just gotta stand up for what you believe in! (He beckons to the pink shirt he is wearing.) You know, they told me that I couldn't wear this buttoned-open pink shirt. They said it would make me look like a homosexual hobo. But tell me: has pink ever looked manlier to you than it does now?

Noah: Um… no, I guess.

Geoff: Exactly. I stood up for what I believed in. I took pink, and I made it manly. I changed the playing field, dude!

Noah: Hm. Interesting. (He taps his chin, thinking to himself.)

Geoff: Or another example: my cleft chin. (He beckons to his chin.) They told me my cleft chin was nothing to be proud of. They called it an imperfection. But take a look at my cleft chin. Have you ever seen a more concave, smooth, cleft chin?

Noah: I really don't know how to answer that question.

Geoff: Well, it's true. I have the greatest cleft chin of all time. You could just climb into my cleft chin, and live there. My cleft chin is like a valley leading straight to the center of heaven!

Noah: Um… what?

Geoff: Sorry, that was weird. So, Noah, are you going to be a stand-up guy?

Noah: I'm assuming this is a rhetorical question.

Geoff: THAT'S RIGHT! YOU _**ARE **_GOING TO BE A STAND-UP GUY! Now, you're going to go back to that campfire ceremony, and show Trent that you're sick and tired of him and his sassy ways. You feeling me?

Noah: Yeah. Thanks, dude. I think I know what I need to do. (He walks away. Geoff quickly turns to the window of the Killer Redwoods Cabin, and sees Bridgette watching him. He gives her a thumbs-up, and she smiles in response.)

**Confession Cam**

**Bridgette: Okay, Geoff has become soooo nice lately! I love how he's been trying to stop being such a bully. Instead, he's helping people like Noah deal with their problems! It's really cute. I mean, don't get me wrong, Geoff's still got plenty of douche bag tendencies. Including a newfound obsession with his butt chin. **

**Geoff: Man, ever since I've been trying out this nice guy routine, my relationship with Bridgette has skyrocketed! And besides; you gotta feel bad for short people like Noah. Just imagine being eye-level with people's crotches all the time! It's gotta be terrifying! **

**Noah: So Geoff's "motivational speech" was mostly just him talking all this random crap about his chin to me, but some words he said did strike me. He told me he "changed the playing field". That's all I need to do. Trent and Courtney did it when they forced a tie vote. But now it's my turn. (He rubs his hands together.) This is gonna be good. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Campfire Pit**

Trent: -$%&#%&*$# . Whew, that was a mouthful.

Courtney: You tell him, Trent. (Chris's lower lip trembles.)

Chris: You know, that really hurts my feelings. As host of Total Drama, I try so hard to provide solid and reliable recaps at the beginning of each episode. And _that's _your way of thanking me? Swearing for so long that we have to use the theme song and an awkward scene between Geoff and Noah to censor your expletives?

Trent: I'm just telling the truth about what I thought of your recap.

Chris: So then tell me, Trent. What was so bad about it?

Trent: This is going to take a lot of oxygen. (He takes a deep breath, and begins.) Well, for one, you seriously need to work on your pacing. Ditch the notecard, it makes you look unprofessional. Ditch the pointless hand gestures, they make you look awkward. Ditch the constant smiling, it makes you look hammered. And when you're reciting a recap, it needs to be more concise. You're not supposed to be talking about every pointless subplot in the entire previous episode! Seriously, do you need to talk about the retarded Tyler and DJ conflict? No! You don't! When giving a recap, you're supposed to only provide information that might be important to know in today's episode!

Chris: Um, excuse me, Trenton, but I'm pretty sure that's what I did!

Trent: No you didn't. When will your lamentation about your barren yoga relationship with Chef come to play in this episode?

Chris: Oh, you'll see. (His eyes glint mischievously.)

Trent: But that's not all. You also… (As Trent chastises Chris, Noah sneaks into the back of the campfire pit, and sits right behind the rest of his teammates.)

Noah: Psst! Guys! We need to talk while we can. (Gwen, Cody, Izzy, Lindsay, and Beth all turn around to face him.)

Izzy: HOORAY! NOAH DIDN'T COMMIT SUICIDE! (Noah quickly clamps a hand over her mouth.)

Noah: Shhhh! We don't want Trent and Courtney to know I'm here yet! If they do, then we have to vote, and we know how messy that's going to turn out. That is, unless we have a formulated plan.

Izzy: Ha, I thought you committed suicide. After all, you do that from time to time.

Gwen: Well, it's a good thing you're back. Ever since you left, Trent's been trying to provide all the witty, sarcastic quips for the episode. (She beckons to Trent, who is still bitching to Chris about the recap.)

Izzy: Say, Noah, while you were over there making out with trees or whatever, did you see Mr. Fan anywhere? He hasn't turned up in hours now; I'm starting to get worried about him. Even if he went to the strip club, he's usually back by now.

Noah: Err… nope. Haven't seen him. But I'm sure he'll turn up. (He chuckles nervously, and continues.) Anyways, I came up with a plan. (Beth claps her hands in delight.)

Beth: OMG, we're going to talk strategy, Lindsay! This is exactly how I always dreamed it would be!

Lindsay: I _love _strategy! Strategy goes _soooo _well with my new top. Don't you think, Beth?

Beth: _Too-oootally_.

Cody (patting Noah on the back): So, what's the plan, my man? Just tell it to the Code-meister, and he'll carry it out!

Noah: Okay, here's what we need to do. We all need to vote for Courtney and Trent again.

Gwen (crossing her arms): How will that work? Chris will just negate the votes and make us vote again!

Noah: Then we'll vote for Trent and Courtney again. And keep doing so, over and over. After a while, Chris is bound to get fed up, and send one of them to Redemption Cabin.

Gwen: Hm. I don't know. The plan doesn't seem secure enough.

Noah: It's the best plan we have. Okay, so does everyone understand? We are voting for Trent and Courtney. Lindsay, are you on board?

Lindsay: I like boards! (She holds up a plank of wood. Noah sighs, and turns to Beth.)

Noah: Can you accompany her to the voting stall, Beth? Make sure she doesn't vote for herself, or something idiotic like that.

Cody: I'll be happy to chaperone Lindsay. It would be an honor.

Noah: I didn't ask you, Cody, I asked Beth! But if you want to chaperone somebody, you can chaperone Izzy. I feel she could screw something up too.

Cody: Um, I don't think that's such a—(He is cut off as Izzy grabs him excitedly.)

Izzy: Alright! Say, Cody, what do you say we go chaperone each other off the cliff of Mt. Wawanakwa? (Before Cody can protest, Izzy takes a chloroform napkin and presses it up against his face. The geek struggles for a few seconds, before his eyes roll back into their sockets, and he passes out. Slinging his body over her back, Izzy runs off into the forest.)

Noah (calling after them): BE BACK IN TIME FOR THE VOTE! (He turns back to face the front of the campfire pit, smiling with content.) That went surprisingly well. Maybe something will actually go my way in this game for once. (Trent, meanwhile, is still chastising Chris on his recap.)

Trent: …Not to mention just the whole way you speak is a serious put-off for the listener. You place way too much emphasis on random syllables in your words, and your whole stoner-skater voice is immature, to say the least. And I don't know, there's just something about your whole manner of communication that seriously bothers me. It's like you're trying to form coherent sentences, but don't have the basic vocabulary skills or jaw muscle functionality to construct a normal sounding phrase of words.

Chris: Okay, that's a bit of an exaggeration—

Trent: Finally, your image could use some serious reworking. First of all, your fashion choices. Your shirt has so many pockets you look like a drug dealer, and that whole spirit bag necklace you wear makes you look like an insane Native American witch doctor. Plus, stop wearing your pants at your thighs, because frankly, my eyes feel like they're going to burn right out of their sockets every time I see a forty-year old man trying to make a fashion statement that is both a symbol of freedom among youths and a symbol of sexual connotation in prison. Now, about your aesthetics. Let's start with your five o' clock shadow. Frankly, it looks like you dipped your face in a bucket of pocket lint. (Noah turns to Gwen.)

Noah: Is it me, or did he become even more of a tool in the time I was gone? How long has he been going on like this?

Gwen: Ever since you left. He hasn't even stopped for air.

Noah (smiling): Maybe it's time I showed him how you _truly _insult someone. (Gwen grins with malicious glee.)

Gwen: I've been waiting for you to say that all season. (Noah winks at her, and stands up. Meanwhile, Trent is continuing his lecture.)

Trent: Now, about your hair. Frankly, it looks like briar patch. I keep expecting racist, animated Disney characters to hop out of there and start singing about life on the bayou! (Chris now has tears welling up in his eyes.)

Chris: W-why are you b-being such a mean man?

Trent: Because frankly, you shouldn't be the host!

Chris: Oh, and who _should _be?

Trent: Oh, I don't know, it could be anyone. Could be Ryan Seacrest, could be Ellen Degeneres, could be, oh, I don't know, _**me**_.

Chris: Ha! Are you serious? You can't be serious. You're actually serious? **HA**!

Trent: Face it, Mclean! You know I would be a better host than you!

Courtney: I agree with Trent. You're not only a douchebag, but you're also a horrible influence on children!

Trent: So true, so true. It's like you read my mind, babe. (He winks at Courtney, before they jam their tongues down each other's throats, making everyone gag. Finally, they pull away, and Trent turns back to Chris, lipstick smeared all across his face.) Look at me, Chris, and look at you. You're past your prime. You're a grandfather clock ticking through its final seconds. You're a trusty steed that was once the grandest of all horses, but now you're entering the barn, getting ready to lie down among the hay and die.

Chris: God, I'm 35, not a &$*# fossil!

Trent: Whatever, Mclean. Just resign already. You're not the host you used to be.

Chris (crossing his arms): You can never make me resign. I have power beyond your wildest dreams. I have millions of fans, along with luxuries you'll never know. I have a frickin' Jacuzzi that massages your dick with bubbles! And you can't do anything to take that away from me.

Trent: Oh, we'll see about that. Sounds like quite the Jacuzzi. (Noah walks over, smirking.)

Noah: There's just a little problem, Trent. For the function to work, you need to be longer than a millimeter.

Everyone: Oooooo… (Trent whips around to face the know-it-all.)

Trent: And look who decided to show up! Arriving in style as always, Noah. Now tell me: are you done crying like a little bitch, and have you accepted the fact that you were schooled strategically by yours truly?

Noah: I wouldn't call it schoolage. The only reason you're safe is because it just so happened that our team members hated you and Courtney equally. But that's not why I'm here. So, you say you'd make a good host of the show?

Trent: Yep. What's it to you, egghead?

Noah: Then you'd be prepared for some honest criticism, right?

Trent: Sure. But I really don't think it's possible to criticize—

Noah: First of all, ditch the camouflage sleeves. They make you look like a psycho war vet gone horribly gay. Ditch the handprint on the front of your shirt, this is a cartoon, and we only have four fingers you idiot. Ditch the face; it makes you look ugly. Now, you insult someone's hair? You have a mullet, so I wouldn't be talking!

Everyone: Oooooo….

Trent: It's not a mullet!

Noah: It's a mullet, Trent. And did you know that Iran's banning of the mullet earned not its usual international condemnation, but a PR boost, instead? That's how despised the hairstyle is!

Everyone: Oooooo….

Trent: So what if I have a mullet?

Noah: So what? Yeah, so what if you look like condescending prick who thinks he can get all the ladies, when in honest truth, the only thing he'll ever get to stick his penis in is the hole in the number "9"?

Everyone: Oooooo…. (Trent whips around to face his teammates.)

Trent: Stop "oooo"ing! You guys sound mentally ill! And my mullet is very useful, I'll have you know! It allows nice visibility when I'm wearing a bike helmet, and it provides protection for my neck from the sun. What does your hair do?

Noah: It only causes a massive wave of orgasms to sweep across the females of Canada the moment it gets even the slightest bit wet.

Trent: Oh, come on. Stop pretending you're hot stuff. All those fangirls aren't in love with you, they're in love with all the pornographic pictures of you on DeviantArt, which, mind you, are very poorly drawn!

Noah: Been looking at these pictures a lot lately?

Trent: N-no! T-that's not what I mean—

Noah: And while we're on the topic of DeviantArt, at least when you search _my _name, half the drawings aren't of somebody else from the show, unlike with you! (Trent is at a loss for words, stuttering madly. Finally, he is able to speak again.)

Trent: Well… your head is shaped like a rectangle! (Everyone is silent.)

Gwen: Seriously? That's the best you could come up with?

Trent: It's… it's true! Look at it! (He beckons to Noah's head.) It screams rectangle!

Izzy: Wow… even _I'm _not impressed with that one. What do you think, Cody? (She holds up Cody's unconscious body.) Wow! That was so bad, Cody fell asleep!

Gwen: No, Izzy, Cody's unconscious because you drugged him with Chloroform.

Izzy: Oh. Oh yeah! Ha! Man, it's hard to keep track of who I've Chloroformed and who I haven't sometimes. (She taps her chin, thinking aloud.) Let's see, who have I Chloroformed in the past week? (She starts reading off a list.) Selena Gomez, Lebron James, Johnny Depp, Psy, that random Indian kid from Life of Pi, Pitbull, Abraham Lincoln, Gwen…

Gwen: What?! (Izzy glances back down at her list.)

Izzy: Oops. Those are my plans for next week. Pretend you didn't hear that.

Trent: Can you two shut up? Thank you. (He turns back to Noah, who is continuing to smirk.) Stop smirking! It makes your head look even more like a rectangle!

Noah: Face it, Trent. You're no match for me. In fact, I think you're _intimidated _by me.

Trent: Ha! _Me_? Intimidated by _you_? Heh, as if.

Noah: It's true. You see, Trent, ever since Duncan stole Gwen away from you, you've always been hell-bent on being the alpha male, for fear of being humiliated on national TV for the second time. Any threat to that position, and you lose your testicles. But you're not a leader, Trent. A leader doesn't abandon his own teammates. A leader doesn't go apeshit when he isn't passed the salt at breakfast, even when he never even asked for it. And most of all, a leader has self-respect. You don't respect yourself, Trent. And until you can respect yourself, you won't be able to respect others. (He shrugs.) But that's just my opinion. (Trent stares at Noah.)

Trent: It's not… that's not… I HATE YOU! YOU DON'T KNOW ME! WAAAHHH! (He runs away, sobbing. However, Trent runs right off the Dock of Shame, and lands in the water with a splash. He flails around for a few seconds, before sinking under the water with a glug. He doesn't come back up. There is silence.)

Chris: On that wonderful note, it's time to vote.

**Confession Cam**

**Courtney: Wow, poor Trent. He really was torn apart by Noah. But you know what? I think he's better than that dweeb. I think he'll take the higher road, and take Noah's petty insults in stride. Because that's the kind of mature adult I believe Trent is! **

**Trent: WAAHHH! (He sniffs, wiping at the tears streaming down his face.) I hate that Noah! He's such a poopy face! He was so mean to me… I HATE HIM! WAAAHHHHH! (He screams like a baby, snot exploding all over his face.) **

**End of Confessionals**

Gwen: That was certainly impressive, Noah.

Noah: It's what I do best. (He turns to look around at his teammates.) You all went forward with the plan, right? Nobody did anything weird while they were in the voting confessional?

Izzy: Nope! Nothing weird. (She turns to Cody, who is still half-conscious.) Right, Cody? Nothing weird?

Cody (his eyelids drooping): Da… da… not… not the pubes… NOT THE PUBES! NOO!

Izzy: See? Everything went just fine. (Beth walks over, grinning.)

Beth: Everything went fine with Lindsay, too. No voting for herself, no writing a bunch of incoherent scribbles all over the place, no getting lost on the way to the confessional and ending up at the Total Drama Action film lot… It all went perfectly! Aren't you excited, Noah? This is going to be such a great plan!

Noah: Huh? Oh. Oh yeah. It'll be great. (He won't make eye contact with Beth, instead choosing to open his book and start reading it. Meanwhile, Chris has gathered up the votes.)

Chris: Well, the votes have been cast once again. Let's read them off. (He opens up the barrel in front of him, dramatically reaches in with his hand, feels around inside, and pulls out a sandwich. He takes a bite out of it, munching with content. He licks his lips, and takes a sip through a curly pink straw from a bottle of champagne.)

Courtney: What are you doing? Read the votes already!

Chris: Sorry, I get these cravings sometimes. I don't know where they come from. What do you think this could mean?

Noah: You're pregnant?

Chris: Nah, I've been on the birth control. You can never be too careful, you know what I mean?

Izzy (her eyes glinting): Yes. You can never be too careful.

Gwen: Okay, why is this conversation happening? Can we please just get to the votes, so we can go to sleep?

Chris: Very well. (He puts the sandwich into his pants, and reaches for the actual voting barrel. He once again reaches into it, and this time pulls out a small pile of paper slips. The host spreads them across the podium in front of him. Chris reads each one, his brow furrowing more and more. Finally, he looks back up at the campers, a look of disbelief on his face.) You all just voted for Courtney and Trent again!

Courtney: WHAT?! They can't do that, Chris! It's against the rules! You specifically said that they had to vote for one of their own kind!

Gwen: Hey, if we don't like the rules, we can change them. And we'll stop at nothing until either you or Trent is eliminated.

Courtney: NO! They can't do this! Tell them, Chris!

Cody (taking out a calculator): Actually, statistically speaking, we—

Courtney: NOBODY CARES, CODY! Say something about this, Chris! Stop just eating that sandwich and watching this exchange with a slightly amused facial expression!

Chris (his mouth full): Aw, but it's such a nice sandwich. (He puts it back into his pants, and wipes his hands off. He finishes chewing before speaking again.) And I was trying to speak, but then you little brats interrupted me. Here's what I was trying to say. All of you voted for Trent or Courtney again…. that is, except for one person. Therefore, all the other votes for Trent and Courtney are negated and only this person's vote counts. (Everyone is shocked silent. Chris grins.)

Chris: Shocker, right? You know, for this one, I think we'll just show the confessionals. In recent years, it seems to be one of the best tools for creating drama. Chef, roll in the TV! (Chef rolls in a giant flat screen TV. He then quickly walks away, as if he is in a hurry. Chris calls after him.) Why are you in such a hurry? Stick around for the festivities! The rockets are about to start flying.

Chef: Urm… nope. I have to, uh… go… um… start an illegal alliance? (He sprints away. Chris raises his eyebrows in confusion. He turns to the campers.)

Chris: That wasn't too suspicious, was it?

Noah (sarcastically): Oh, no. It's not suspicious at all when he uses something illegal as his cover-up. (Chris shrugs.)

Chris: Whatever. Now, here are the confessionals. (He flicks a button on the remote control, and the TV turns on.)

**Confession Cam**

**Beth: One vote for Courtney! (She places her vote in the barrel, and turns to Lindsay, who is sitting on the toilet next to her.) Here, Lindsay, do you want to write your vote? **

**Lindsay: OMG, totally! I think I've become really good with my spelling. (She takes the pen and a slip of paper, and starts writing.)**

**Beth: Remember, you're writing "Courtney". You know how to spell it, right? **

**Lindsay: Geez, I've got it! (She stops writing.) Done! (Lindsay proudly holds up the slip of paper, which has the word "Noah" written on it.) See? Spelled it perfectly! (Beth cringes, and glances towards the camera.) **

**Beth: Well, that kinda looks like Courtney… right? I mean, both names have an "N" in them… right? **

(Gwen whips around to face Lindsay and Beth, who hug each other in fear of the goth.)

Gwen: So it was you guys?! I should've known one of you would screw something up!

Beth: N-no, wait! It wasn't us! I made sure to flush the vote for Noah down the toilet the moment Lindsay left! (Lindsay's eyes widen.)

Lindsay: *GASP* You did?! I thought we were a democracy, BETH! It's like you don't even value my opinion!

Beth: Not when your opinion is spelled with the mental capacity of a three-year-old!

Lindsay: H-how could you say that? I... I thought we were friends!

Beth: We _are_ friends, Lindsay. It's just sometimes you're a little, I don't know… dumb? (Lindsay looks like she's been slapped across the face.)

Lindsay: So that's really what you think. After all these years… all these shopping extravangas… this is the truth? That everything I've ever known is a lie? (She crosses her arms.) You could've at least had the decency to tell me what you thought! All of you, treating me like I'm some… some sort of chore! I don't need people that treat me like that. People that don't value my brain! Because I _know _I'm smart! And I don't need anyone to tell me otherwise. (She turns to Beth.) So you know what, Beth? No more being BFF's! No more shopping exravanganzas! No more lying about the fact that you're actually ugly as ************! We're DONE! Don't understand? Let me spell it out for you! We're G-T-Y-U-C-A-R-D-Q-W,** DONE**! (She calms down.) Wait… what was I talking about again? (Beth stares at her in shock.)

Beth: Wait… you think I'm ugly?

Lindsay: Um… let's change the subject. How about shopping?

Beth: NO! (She crosses her arms.) You know, so what if I'm not the prettiest girl in the world? At least the smartest thing ever to come out of my mouth wasn't a penis! (Lindsay gasps. But Beth continues.) It's true. Everyone thinks so. And people wonder why women have been historically oppressed…

Lindsay: Wow… you're like, condescending!

Beth: Condescending? Do you even know what that means, Lindsay?

Lindsay: Umm… erm… It means that you're ugly! (Beth just shakes her head and sneers.)

Beth: I've heard a more coherent statement from a Schizophrenic with Tourette's.

Lindsay: Now you're insulting Tyler?! THAT'S IT! (She takes off both of her high heels, and runs at Beth, with the sharp ends pointed at the farm girl's face. The blonde girl tackles her BFF, and two start rolling around in the muck, punching each other in the face. Beth rips out patches of Lindsay's hair, while Lindsay beats Beth over the head with her high heels.)

Gwen: Chris, do something! They're going to kill each other!

Chris: Now, now. I doubt they'll kill each other. And even if they do… well, we'll only have a slight ratings drop. Now, if I were to die… _then _we could start worrying.

Noah: Yeah, because then all the TV's would crash by our sudden, immense spike in viewership.

Chris: Ignoring that. (Beth and Lindsay continue to wrestle with one another. As they squirm and scratch, they move farther and farther towards the hill leading down to the beach, until finally, they reach the slope, and go tumbling down it, still fighting with one another. Meanwhile, Trent is just getting out of the water, soaking wet, when he sees Beth and Lindsay racing down the hill, heading right towards him. Trent sighs.)

Trent: Excellent. (The campers hear a huge splash, and groaning fills the air from down by the beach. Chris beams.)

Chris: This was such a great idea to show the confessionals. Already, the drama is thickening into a smoothie of backstabbing and bananas! Anyways, we now know it wasn't Beth or Lindsay who betrayed the alliance. Let's watch the rest of these wonderful confessionals, shall we? (He turns the TV back on. Gwen quickly turns to Noah.)

Gwen: So this means it must be either Cody or Izzy. Who do you think betrayed us? (Noah glances sideways, sweating slightly.)

Noah: Hm. Guess we'll just have to see.

**Confession Cam**

**Gwen: I vote for Courtney. God, how many times am I going to have to vote for her before she leaves? **

**(Static)**

**Cody: Whew. (He wipes the sweat from his brow.) Izzy may be looking everywhere for me, but I think I'm safe in here. (He smiles with relief, not even noticing Izzy standing behind him. He sits there like that for a while. Finally, he sighs.) …She's right behind me, isn't she? **

**(Static)**

**Izzy: I vote for Trent. Mostly because of all those rude geometrical comments he made to my Noah! I mean, sure, Noah face looks like a rectangle, but that makes it really useful! It could be used as a remote control! Or a mattress! Or a really fancy paperweight! What do you think, Cody? (She props his unconscious body up onto her lap.) **

**Cody: Dar… (His head slumps forward, and he falls off Izzy's lap and lands with his head in the sink. Izzy stares down at him, and then looks up at the camera.)**

**Izzy: Guess that's two votes for Trent! **(Gwen's face scrunches up in confusion.)

Gwen: But wait a minute. That makes no sense! If it wasn't Lindsay, and it wasn't Beth, and if it wasn't Cody, and if it wasn't Izzy, and if it wasn't me, then… (She looks at Noah, who is ducking behind his book more and more.) I can't believe it. It was _you _all along?

Noah (nervously): Heh heh. Funny how that works out, huh?

Gwen: I can't believe it! You lied to all of us!

Noah: I wouldn't call it "lying", so much as "manipulating words". Something Shakespeare was quite good at, I'll have you know.

Gwen: Oh, you're bringing Shakespeare into this now? Well, methinks thou art an asshole, perchance! (She puts her head in her hands.) I've been played twice in one night. I should've never trusted you, Noah. I should've seen the way you acted in Total Drama Island, and known you're nothing but a self-centered jerk.

Noah: But wait! I can explain—

Chris (grinning evilly): Why don't we just let your confessional do the explaining for you? (He beckons to the TV screen, which now shows Noah sitting in the confessional.)

**Confession Cam**

**(Noah sits, there, thinking for a moment, before he speaks.)**

**Noah: …You know, since I first arrived on this show, on the very first day of Total Drama Island, I've known this competition would be quite a challenge for me. Because, the moment I arrived on that first day, I took a look at my competition, and realized that more than half of them were complete and utter morons. The worst kind of morons, too. The kind of morons that think that they're geniuses, when in all honesty, I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit out a smarter statement than half of the stuff that they say. In the first season, I tried to play their game. Didn't work out too well for me. In the third season, I had a different plan. I wouldn't just play like a moron, I would _be_ a moron, just like the rest of them. I even became friends with _Owen_ to bolster that reputation! But the moment I showed signs of intelligence, I was booted. This season, I knew I needed to stop arguing with idiots. After all, as proven, they would just lower me to their level and beat me with experience. So I had a new plan. I would—okay, this paragraph is getting kind of long. **

**Ahh… that's better. Anyways, let me just cut to the chase. I'm lying to my teammates tonight. I'm having them all vote for Trent and Courtney again. They're too stupid to realize that Chris will just negate all of their votes if just one of us votes for someone else. That person will be me. Why am I doing this? Well, in full honesty, for one, aside from Izzy, I actually don't like my other teammates. I thought I might like Gwen, but have you seen the messed-up sketches she draws in her notebook? Those drawings will literally make you lose all hope for humanity and fear for the world's future, if Chris Mclean hasn't made you feel that way already! Beth and Lindsay are like two useless, talking bags of air, and if you try to shut one up, the other one starts yapping even more! And I'm sorry, but Cody is possibly the worst cabin-mate ever. How am I supposed to sleep when he's in the top bunk above me, humping the headboard? And second, I need to make sure that Izzy and I are protected, and the only way to do that is to have my vote be the only one that counts. So now, it's just matter of who I pick. Will I choose Cody, Beth, Lindsay, or Gwen? It's really just a question of what I can stand longer: having pages filled with mangled hearts and sobbing little girls fluttering past me wherever I go, waking up to the sound Beth and Lindsay screechgasming with each other, or hearing the hormonal grunts of an adolescent when I'm trying to sleep. I thought about it for a long time, and now I've made my decision. I'm voting for…**

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

**Beth. **

**Why, you ask? Well, it was between Lindsay and Beth when I was making this decision. Both are pretty much the last minute additions to the alliance. And the way Beth has suddenly been obsessed with strategy, well, it's suspicious to say the least. (He pauses.) Okay, I'll admit it. I'm a fan of Lindsay's boobs. That's probably the biggest deciding factor. Anyways, there you go. My shocking confessional. (He sighs with relief.) Good thing they never show these. Thank god for that, huh? **

**(Static)**

**Tyler: I love this new fancy toilet paper Chris has been buying for the bathroom! (He holds up the voting barrel, and pulls one of the voting slips.) Look at it! Now this is quality toilet paper. And look! It's even got writing on it! And I LOVE reading while using the bathroom! THIS IS GONNA RULE! (He opens the voting barrel excitedly.) **

**End of Confessionals **

Chris (glancing down at his hands, which are clutching the voting slips): Oh god. I think I need to go set fire to my hands. (Meanwhile, Gwen is glaring at Noah, fire in her eyes.)

Gwen: This is unbelievable. I thought you were a trustworthy ally. I thought you were different! But now I see the truth. And you know what the truth is? The truth is that you're no better than Trent or Courtney! (Noah shrugs.)

Noah: It had to be done, Gwen. Did you really think the other plan would work?

Gwen: No, of course not! But I didn't think you would do something like this, either! And why the hell do you think my pictures are disturbing, anyways? They're a slightly morbid commentary on the direction humankind is heading in! They have a message!

Cody: Yeah! And they're really hot. (He glares at Noah.) You should apologize to both me and Gwen for what you said in the Confessional!

Noah: Why should I apologize? It's just what I thought. I'm sure you guys say stuff behind my back when you're in there, too. I was just the unlucky sucker to have it broadcasted to the whole camp.

Gwen: Well, you owe Beth an apology, at least.

Cody: And Lindsay. You shouldn't have objectified her like that.

Noah: Cody, all _you_ do is objectify women!

Cody: I don't _only _objectify women! (He turns away, and mutters to himself.) I sometimes womanize objects, too.

Izzy: You owe me an apology, too. Why couldn't you have said something behind _my_ back? I really wanted to know what you would have said!

Courtney: And while we're at it, you owe me an apology, too, Noah.

Noah: For what?

Courtney: I don't know. I just thought I might as well make you feel worse.

Chris: Don't forget about me, Noah. (Noah whips around to face him.)

Noah: Chris, I single-handedly saved you from being humiliated by Trent in front of everyone! If anything, you should be praising the lord that I saved you when I did!

Chris: Whatever. You still owe me an apology.

Tyler: And me, Noah. (Noah looks over at Tyler in disbelief.)

Noah: Okay, for one, what the hell are you doing here, Tyler?! AND WHY DO I OWE _**YOU**_ AN APOLOGY?!

Tyler: Your voting slip gave me a paper cut on my butt! See? (He pulls down his pants, and beckons to the spot on his butt cheek.) It hurts! (Noah stares forward at Tyler's naked butt.)

Noah: This can't be happening.

Chris: Oh, but it is, Noah. However, as much as I love all the hate you're being dealt right now, we do need to move on with episode. So let's go fetch Beth, and tell her the news.

Gwen (nudging Noah forward): And _Noah _here can go apologize to her. (Noah sighs, and starts walking towards the beach. As he heads in that direction, Tyler comes up behind him, and whispers in his ear.)

Tyler: Apologize to me, please. (Noah whips around and punches Tyler across the face.)

**Confession Cam**

**Noah: Okay, in a matter of minutes, I've gone from holding all the cards to being the most despised member of my team. How the hell did that happen? **

**Courtney: Wonderful. This is exactly what Trent and I needed. Now we need to work together to direct as much hate towards Noah as possible. This is the best distraction we've had for the target on our backs since Alejandro! **

**Tyler: Hey, look at this toilet paper! (He holds up Gwen's journal.) Pretty sweet, huh? This thing's got 200 pages in it, so it should last me, oh, I don't know, maybe two trips to the bathroom. Let's take a look, shall we? (He opens up the journal, and immediately, he shrieks in horror. He looks back at the camera.) This toilet paper makes me fear for humanity! I _hate _when toilet paper does that! **

**End of Confessionals**

Beth: Uggh… what happened… (She opens her eyes, and sees she is lying in the shallow waters at the edge of the beach, facing Lindsay. They are both covered in mud, and their clothes are torn to shreds.) L-Linds? Are you okay? (Lindsay doesn't move. Slowly, Beth gets up, groaning in pain. She walks over to her best friend, stepping over Trent's unmoving body on the way there. Once she gets to Lindsay's body, she starts shaking it.) Wake up, Lindsay! (She gets down on her knees, and starts to tug on Lindsay's hair. The blonde doesn't move. Beth feels Lindsay's lungs, and finds that her friend isn't breathing.) LINDSAY! (Quickly, Beth starts pushing down as hard as she can on Lindsay's stomach.)

Beth: C'mon, Lindsay, don't be dead… you never even got to vote in a real election! (She thinks for a second.) Although that's probably a good thing. (She pumps down a few more times, but Lindsay doesn't start breathing. Beth starts to sob.)

Beth: This never was supposed to happen! We were supposed to be BFF's for life! And now you're probably dead, and it's all my fault! (She grabs Lindsay.) Please, Lindsay… PLEASE! (Meanwhile, Trent is getting up, groaning.)

Trent: Uggh… what happened… one minute, I was getting up out of the water, the next minute, I had two moronic teenage girls tumbling down a hill towards me… Ow… (He clutches his head in agony.)

Beth: Trent! Quick, come here!

Trent: What? What is it? Why do you need my help?

Beth: Lindsay isn't breathing!

Trent (shrugging): Better for the atmosphere. (Beth stares at Trent in shock, and he chuckles nervously.) Sorry. Bad time for a joke, even if it's a hilarious one. What do you need me for? (He walks over, and crouches down next to her.)

Beth: We need to perform CPR! I'll blow into Lindsay's mouth, and you push down on her chest. Can you do that for me? (Trent swallows deeply, and glances at Lindsay's boobs.)

Trent: You… want me to push down on her chest?

Beth: Yes! And hurry!

Trent: Um… I don't know. I've never touched boobs before.

Beth: Lindsay could be dead! And you're thinking about your own pathetic virginity?

Trent: Hey! I bet you're a virgin, too!

Beth: Do we really need to get into this argument? Just help me! (Trent nods, and places one hand on each of Lindsay's breasts. Beth looks at his position for a moment, before she frowns.) Wait, I actually think that's medically inaccurate. I think you're actually supposed to push down on her diaphragm.

Trent (a perverted glint in his eyes): I'm sure this will work.

Beth: Okay, if you say so. Then let's go! (She forces Lindsay's mouth open, places her lips to Lindsay's, and starts blowing. She glances up at Trent.) Start pushing! (Trent nods, and forces his hands down on Lindsay chest in a rapid motion. Beth continues to blow, until her face turns blue. She gets up from Lindsay's face, breathing hard.)

Beth: Quick, Trent, while she's got the air! Push with all your might!

Trent: But what if I damage her silicone implants? They're very fragile, you know.

Beth: Stop worrying about Lindsay's plastic surgery! Just do it!

Trent: Fine. (He starts pushing down as hard as he can, thrusting his hands deep into the doughy substance of Lindsay's melons. With each thrust, Lindsay's body jolts, but then goes limp again.)

Beth: It's starting to work! Now do one final push! Really try to force the water out of her lungs! And can you please wipe that stupid grin off your face?

Trent: Sorry, this is just somewhat of a fantasy for me. Okay, here goes. (He shoves down as hard as he can, pressing with all his might. Lindsay's body jolts, and water sprays out of her mouth. Slowly, her eyes open. The dumb blonde gets up, coughing and hacking.)

Lindsay: Oww… okay, water is _soooooo _mean…

Beth: LINDSAY! (She runs over and hugs her. Lindsay looks at Beth confusedly.)

Lindsay: Why are you so happy? And why are our clothes ripped? And why does Troy have ketchup coming out of his nose and a flashlight jutting forward in his pants? (Trent turns away ashamedly.)

Trent: Sorry, I'm just a big fan of boobs. (He blushes deep red.)

Lindsay: And like, why are we here? _Where_ are we? Who am I? Who are _you_? What am I talking about?

Beth: Oh, none of that matters. Not even your sudden and slightly disturbing memory loss. What matter is that we're together! AND NOTHING CAN EVER SEPARATE OUR FRIENDSHIP!

Lindsay: HOORAY! (They take each other's hands, and rainbows and flowers appear everywhere around them. The two dance around in a circle, laughing and screeching with delight. Meanwhile, Chris and the rest of the Screaming Ivy team are watching this from the dock, with disturbed facial expressions.)

Chris: Um… girls? (The two stop, and immediately, the rainbows and flowers disappear.)

Beth: Guess what, Chris? Nothing can separate our friendship!

Lindsay: Yeah! Not even Troy's flashlight! (Trent quickly covers in erection in shame, and runs away.)

Beth: Yep! Nothing! We're together forever! (They're about to start dancing again, when Chris stops them.)

Chris: Yeah, well… Beth, you've been eliminated. You're heading to Redemption Cabin right now.

Beth: Wait… what? How did this happen? (Gwen shoves Noah forward.)

Gwen: Let _Noah _explain. (Noah stutters with anxiety.)

Noah: Um… hi. Yeah, I kind of… voted for you. Heh heh, sorry.

Beth: Why? I thought we had a plan to vote for Trent and Courtney again!

Noah: Yeah, well see… when I was in the Confessional, I suddenly realized how much of a… a strategic threat you are, Beth.

Beth: You… you really think I'm a strategic threat?

Noah: Yeah! That move you made? Incredible!

Beth: Which move?

Noah: Um… the strategic one. It was so strategic that I don't remember it. Heh heh.

Gwen: We're all sorry, Beth. I know how terrible this must be for you.

Beth: Are you serious? This is what I've always dreamed of! To be eliminated due to strategic reasons? It's a dream come true!

Noah: …Really?

Beth: Yes! (She runs up and hugs the bookworm.) Thank you, Noah, oh thank you!

Cody: Wait, I thought Noah voted off Beth because he like Lindsay's boob—(He is cut off as Gwen kicks him in the leg.)

Gwen: Shh… it's better for her this way.

Lindsay: W-wait… Beth's leaving? (Her eyes start to fill up with tears. Beth places a calming hand on Lindsay's shoulder.)

Beth: Lindsay, you've been my best friend this whole time. We've had so many memories together. Sure, we've had some fights. (She hugs her friend.) I'm sorry I called you a whore!

Lindsay: And I'm sorry I called you a cow!

Beth: I'm sorry I said you have more pricks than second hand dartboard!

Lindsay: And I'm sorry that when somebody said you're not fit to sleep with pigs, I stuck up for the pigs!

Beth: And I'm sorry I said you were like a bowling ball, in that you get picked up, fingered, thrown down an alley and still come back for more!

Lindsay: Wait… what? Okay, that's kind of crossing the line.

Izzy: I thought that was pretty funny. (Beth turns to Izzy.)

Beth: Izzy! I'll never forget you, either. Admittedly, you sometimes made me fear for my life, but you really taught me a lot. Thank you for that. (Izzy grins.)

Izzy: I do what I can. (Beth has moved on to the next person. Chris groans.)

Chris: God, is everyone going to have an elongated goodbye from now? It was fine when Harold did it, but you're not even that important of a character on the show! And we need to get this show on the road!

Beth: Shut up, you bastard. I'll leave when I'm ready. (She looks at Gwen.) Gwen! I feel like we really bonded this season, even if Courtney tried to keep us apart. I feel like I can come to you with anything! We TOTALLY need to hang out later. HAGS!

Chris: And now it's becoming a verbal version of one of those stupid yearbook signings at the end of high school! You and Gwen barely interacted!

Beth: Not true. We had some moments that will last a lifetime. (She continues down the line.) Cody! Um, you're okay, I guess. (Cody looks down at the ground, and sighs. Next in line is Tyler. Beth just stares at him.)

Beth: Tyler, why the hell are you here? (A single tear rolls down Tyler's face.)

Tyler: That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. I'LL MISS YOU, BETH! (Beth just rolls her eyes, and walks over to Trent. She stares at him for a moment, and Trent flinches, expecting to be punched, like with Harold. Instead, Beth hugs him.)

Beth: You may have been a jerk to me all season. But you saved my best friend's life. I'll always owe you for that. I think you're a good guy, Trent. You've just lost your way. (Trent shrugs, and turns away.)

Trent: Yeah, whatever. (Finally, Beth has gotten to Courtney.)

Beth: _You_, on the other hand, are a complete and utter bitch. F**K YOU! (Everyone applauds, while steam billows of Courtney's ears. Beth starts to make her way towards the forest.)

Beth: Goodbye, everyone! I'll make sure to kick Alejandro Deadass in the Redemption Cabin duel, if I can!

Ezekiel: Wait, eh! (Ezekiel frantically runs out of the bushes.)

Chris (sarcastically): Sure, let's just have every member of the Killer Redwoods show up! That's fine!

Beth (blushing): Ezekiel! You came!

Ezekiel: I wouldn't let you leave without saying goodbye first. And you forgot something. (He reaches into his pants, and pulls out Big Bertha, who is struggling mightily in the homeschool's grasp.)

Beth: *Gasp* Big Bertha! (She takes the pig from Ezekiel and hugs it to her chest.) Thank you, Ezekiel! I can't believe I almost forgot her!

Ezekiel: I was taking care of her, until you were eliminated, eh. She's in better health than ever before. We've been on a strict workout regimen, and I've been giving her a nutritious diet sure to give her wonderful coat a glossy feel and help with her constipation issues.

Beth: That's… that's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.

Trent: Um, I saved your best friend's life a few minutes ago! Isn't that a little more substantial than kidnapping your pig and developing a creepy relationship with it?

Beth: Don't worry, Trent, the life-saving thing is a close second. (She turns back to Ezekiel.) Oh, Ezekiel…

Ezekiel: Oh, Beth… (He swoops her up into his arms, and the two kiss passionately.)

Girls: Aww…..

Chris: Okay, WTF?! Where is _this _coming from? First Nizzy, then Trentney, and now _this_? I know this show has been all into crack couples lately, but this is just ridiculous! Ezekiel and Beth have interacted, like, literally twice over the course of the entire show! Why are they suddenly Romeo and Juliet-esque lovers? Seriously, it's like Sierra was hired to be on the writing team or something! (Ezekiel pulls away, and glares at Chris.)

Ezekiel: Our love goes beyond the story, eh. (He is then pulled back down by Beth, and the two continue to kiss. Cody, meanwhile, is watching all this with a shocked facial expression. He then slumps his shoulders, and looks down at the dock. Finally, Beth and Ezekiel are finished making out, and they are now staring into each other's eyes with lust.)

Ezekiel: You know, that's the first time I've ever kissed a girl, eh.

Beth: Same! Er, I mean, first time I've ever kissed a _guy_.

Ezekiel: But what about that time with Alejandro?

Beth: I'm pretty sure he's part woman. And besides, that was just part of a challenge.

Ezekiel: So… you never liked him?

Beth: Are you serious? Of course I liked him! I wanted to rip him open and eat his still-beating heart, he was so sexy! But you know what Alejandro didn't have? A heart.

Ezekiel: Because you ate it, eh?

Beth: No, because he's an arrogant douchebag! But you have a heart, Ezekiel. Don't anyone tell you otherwise. (Ezekiel nods, his eyes brimming with tears. Beth starts to walk away, waving.)

Beth: I need to leave now, Zeke, but I'll be back! My journey will begin with kicking Alejandro's butt! Wish me luck! (Everyone waves, as Ezekiel sobs. Beth disappears into the forest, Big Bertha tucked underneath her arm. Geoff, DJ, and Tyler then race up to Ezekiel, and grab him excitedly.)

Geoff: Dude, nice! What a score! Even if it was a pretty low score, a score nonetheless.

Ezekiel: What does that mean?

Geoff: Well, um… Beth isn't exactly supermodel status, if you know what I mean. Unless she's modeling for House of Humor. (Ezekiel glares at Geoff.)

Ezekiel: How _dare _you, eh. My first girlfriend, and you're already hating on her, man? I thought you'd be more supportive, Geoff!

Geoff: I am supportive, dude! I'm a motivational speaker! Look, I'm not judging. Beth's fine!

Ezekiel: She's more than fine. By god, she's AVERAGE! And you can't say otherwise! (He then stomps away in anger. Geoff shrugs, and walks away, stroking his cleft chin. Tyler turns to DJ.)

Tyler: See what you've done, DJ?

DJ: I didn't even speak!

Tyler: It doesn't matter. Actions speak louder than words. Remember that, DJ. (DJ lets out an exasperated sigh.)

**Confession Cam**

**DJ: This has got to end. (He groans.) When will it end?**

**Lindsay: *Sob*… I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU, BETH! YOU WERE MY RAINBOW! (Suddenly, Chris sticks his head in through the window.) **

**Chris: I can be your rainbow, babe. **

**(Static)**

**Cody: It's official. I'm the last bachelor left in the competition. _Ezekiel _got a girl before me! And now it's all set. Ezekiel's got Beth, Trent's got Courtney, Alejandro's got Heather, Tyler's got Lindsay, DJ's got Katie, and Geoff's got Bridgette. Trent, you said you were going to help me win over Katie if I voted for Courtney that first time. Well, any help would be appreciated right now! At this rate, I'm ready to start a relationship with this plunger! (He holds up a plunger.) **

**Ezekiel: God, I'm sick of the guys giving me a rough time about everything, eh! I finally find true love, and they can't even be supportive. I need to go talk to the girls aboot this. They'll understand. Although for some odd reason, they haven't really liked my sneaking into their cabin lately. **

**Trent: So, Courtney just told me about the Noah thing. Well well well, Noah, you sly dog! Backstabbing your entire alliance and making them hate your guts? Not a good move. I would try to see things from your point of view on why the hell you would do something like that, but my head can't reach that far up my own ass. But it wasn't smart. Now, while their blood is boiling, maybe I can show them this. (He whips out the video tape of Noah faking his injury.) Forgot about that, huh? Yeah, our team already sees you as selfish, but wait until they see this. You'll be a dead man! And while I'm at it, maybe I can also show Izzy what _really _happened to Mr. Fan. (He smirks.) Oh yeah. Trent's back, baby. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Forest**

Beth: Ahh… This is the first alone time I've had in a long while. It feels nice, doesn't it, Big Bertha? (She looks down at the pig, which is walking at her feet as they trek along the trail leading to Redemption Cabin.) No drama… no romance… just peace and quiet. Now, we need to make sure not to be charmed by Alejandro this time once we arrive, Big Bertha. He's sure to try and get us to fall for his tricks. But I'm in a committed relationship now. So we need to figure out a game plan, don't you think? (She looks forward, and sees Big Bertha sprinting ahead, having caught the scent of something.)

Beth: Where are you going, Big Bertha? Stop! Don't get hypnotized by Alejandro's heavenly, spicy fragrance! Behind that fragrance lays pure evil! (She runs after the pig, and follows it into a clearing. Big Bertha is over by a cluster of bushes, sniffing around furiously. Beth walks over, puzzled. She examines the thickets, and frowns.)

Beth: What could this be? (Then she gasps.) Those leaves! I recognize those leaves! Those are the leaves of the passion flower! Now what was it used for again… Oh wait! That's right! It's used to make people fall asleep when they have insomnia, right, Big Bertha? (Big Bertha turns to Beth.)

Big Bertha: Okay, I'm a f**king pig, not your friend, for gods sake! I don't know sh** like that. All I do is poop and eat! And frankly, you're annoying as hell! Get some real friends, you pathetic geek! And stop making me spend time with Ezekiel, he's creepy as *******. Finally, I'M A GUY, GODDAMIT!

Beth: Huh? What did you say, Big Bertha?

Big Bertha: Um, I mean… oink?

Beth: Oh. Thanks, Big Bertha! I knew you would agree! So, the passion flower. Used to make people fall asleep for long periods of time, if taken in large doses. What could I do with this? (Suddenly she gets an idea.) I hope Alejandro likes tea.

**Confession Cam**

**Beth: Okay, so here's my plan. When I arrive at Redemption Cabin, I'm going to act with Alejandro the way I did at the beginning of the season, where I was swooning all over him and stuff. This way, he'll drop his guard. Then, I'll offer him some tea. (She smirks, and holds up a jar filled with petals.) A few of these, and he'll fall asleep in a matter of minutes. And he may very well sleep for so long, that he won't be able to attend the duel. (She smirks even more.) And that means he forfeits, and that Beth wins. See ya, Alejandro. (She cringes.) Did I just sound like an antagonistic bitch? I'm so sorry if I came across that way! **

**Big Bertha: Yeah, I can talk. So f**king what? Also, my name is Keith, not Big Bertha. Big Bertha sound like a name Justin would give to his ****! **

**End of Confessionals **

**Killer Redwoods Cabin (Female)**

(Bridgette is polishing her surfboard, when suddenly, the door slams open, and Katie tromps in, muttering to herself. In her hands are her pink skinny jeans, torn and covered in mud.)

Katie: Ezekiel. Is. A. Dead. Man.

Bridgette: What happened? (Katie lets out an exasperated sigh, and holds up her skinny jeans.)

Katie: _Ezekiel _decided to go prancing around in my perfect jeans in front of the entire Screaming Ivy team! Did you know these jeans were of the finest quality? They even got Justin's approval! And now they're ruined! (She starts to sob.)

Bridgette: Aw, don't cry. First of all: why the hell do you care about Justin's approval? I'm pretty sure I saw him giving himself a lap dance. And besides; I'm sure we can mend them. (She takes the jeans from Katie and starts wiping them off.)

Katie: No, it's not possible. They're dead. Destroyed! It's official: Ezekiel destroys everything he touches!

Bridgette (as she continues to polish her surfboard): Well, not _everything_.

Katie: Yes, _everything_! Remember just a few mornings ago, at breakfast? The Mess Hall erupted in flame, Chef had both his eyes stabbed out, and Chris was crushed by a chandelier! And that was just by the time Ezekiel sat down at the table to eat!

Bridgette: Okay, that _sooooo _never happened.

Katie: Maybe not, but it's bound to happen someday. You know it, too. It's just a matter of time. So I've made the decision. Our alliance of four is going to target Ezekiel next.

Bridgette (as she continues to polish her surfboard): Why Ezekiel? I think it should be Tyler. He's the ultimate douchebag! And he's been really mean to DJ lately. For no reason whatsoever!

Katie: Why should we care about DJ?

Bridgette (as she continues to polish her surfboard): Oh, I don't know. Maybe the fact that he's a key member of our alliance and your _boyfriend_!

Katie: So what? He needs to man up. Having a fierce and healthy rivalry with Tyler will help him do that.

Bridgette (as she continues to polish her surfboard): Tyler's been making his life a living hell!

Katie: That's an exaggeration. (Suddenly, there is a knock on the door, and Tyler sticks his head in.)

Tyler: Hey, ladies. If you see DJ, can you tell me? I'm trying to make his life a living hell. (He ducks his head back out. Bridgette smirks at Katie, polishing her surfboard as she does so.)

Bridgette (as she continues to polish her surfboard): Hm. Whatever you say, Katie.

Katie: Oh, so what? It's only a little—(She pauses, watching as Bridgette continues to polish her surfboard.) Okay, will you stop polishing that thing?! (She beckons to Bridgette's surfboard.) Whenever you need an action to go along with your dialogue, you just start molesting that filthy board of yours! Are you _trying _to become a living stereotype? (Bridgette glares at Katie, and puts down her surfboard. The surfer girl stands up, and clenches her fist.)

Bridgette: Tell me now, Katie. What are your _true _plans? (Katie turns away.)

Katie: What do you mean?

Bridgette: Oh, you know what I mean. You've already made it clear that you hate me and my surfboard. You bitch about Geoff to me all the time. And as far as I can tell, you hate your boyfriend, too! Why would you form an alliance with us?

Katie: You don't need to know my intentions.

Bridgette: So we aren't really in an alliance then, are we? If you refuse to tell me anything, that is. Then tell me: what's your actual plan? And how do you expect to get it done? (Katie whips around to face Bridgette, her eyes narrowed.)

Katie: I have plans that go far beyond any of you. And my goal_ will _be achieved, one way or another. Nobody affects my ultimate outcome. Not my allies, not my enemies, not my slavishly obeying minions. I _will _win the hundred grand. And along the way, you can either choose to be with me, Bridgette, or against me. If you're with me, you'll make it as far as I can take you, before I cut you loose quietly. If you're against me, you will face not only a quick elimination but a humiliating and emotionally scarring one as well that will land you with a prison sentence of five years at the minimum. So… what's your choice? I highly suggest you think before making your decision. (Bridgette and Katie stare each other down, their eyes burning white hot. Suddenly, Katie hears a thump over by one of the beds. Her eyes narrow, before she turns back to Bridgette.) We'll have to postpone your decision for now. I have some business to take care of. (She slowly tiptoes over to the bed, her fists clenched. With one swift motion, she pulls away the covers. Nothing. Katie slowly lifts her chin up, and sniffs the air. Her teeth clench.)

Katie: Maple syrup. (She turns to Bridgette.) Bridgette, I hate to inform you of this, but Ezekiel is in the cabin right now, as we speak. Do not panic. I want you to lock the door.

Bridgette: But—

Katie: LOCK IT! (Bridgette shakes her head, and locks the door. Katie nods in approval. She glances around the cabin one last time, and then makes a decision.)

Katie: Okay, here's how it's going to work. I'll check all the drawers. Bridgette, you search underneath every bed. Ezekiel, you search the rafters. These are obvious hiding places, and Ezekiel's probably not there, but we should at least check. Okay? We'll meet back in five. Got it?

Bridgette: Got it.

Ezekiel: Got it, eh. (The three of them then search the cabin. Katie tears open every drawer like a psychopath. Bridgette nonchalantly checks under every bed. Ezekiel climbs into the rafters with a flashlight. After five minutes, the three of them meet up again at the center of the cabin.)

Katie: Nothing. Did you two find anything?

Bridgette: Just the usual.

Ezekiel: Nope. Nothing, eh.

Katie: Hmm. What I expected.

Ezekiel: You know, I think we really need to get inside the mind of Ezekiel if we want to find out where he's hiding, eh. You know? Think, "If I were Ezekiel, where would I hide?"

Katie: Hey, that's not a bad idea, Ezekiel.

Bridgette: Yeah, thanks, Ezekiel.

Ezekiel: Don't mention it, ladies. (He gives them a charming grin, walks over to the door, unlocks it, and then runs as fast as he can out of the cabin. Bridgette and Katie watch him leave, before turning and smiling at one another. Slowly, Bridgette starts to realize what just happened. Her face slowly contorts into a scowl. Katie is confused for a second, before her face twists into an even deeper scowl.)

Katie: Bridgette?

Bridgette: Mmm hmm?

Katie: …Was that Ezekiel we were just talking to?

Bridgette: Mmm. (She shrugs, but Katie knows she means "yes". Katie's face starts to contort into one of pure hatred.)

Katie: Then how the f*** did we not realize that? (Bridgette just shakes her head in disbelief. Katie rolls up her sleeves, and cracks her knuckles.)

Katie: Excuse me for a moment. (She sprints out of the cabin.)

**Confession Cam**

**Katie: Of course, the moment I sprinted outside, I found Ezekiel running for his life. But he wasn't fast enough to get away from me. And let's just say, I was a little pissed. **

**End of Confessionals**

Katie: HOW DID YOU GET IN?! (She has Ezekiel pressed up against a tree, throttling him.) HOW?!

Ezekiel: M-magic, eh. S-see? (He reaches behind him, and pulls out a sock.) Poof. Magic!

Katie: That's a sock, Ezekiel.

Ezekiel: That's what you think, eh. But look! (He puts the sock on his hand, and forms a mouth with his fingers.) Now it's a sock puppet! (Katie stares at Ezekiel, while he grins at her. This goes on for thirty seconds of silence. Katie then reaches forward and grabs Ezekiel's sock-covered fist, before smashing it into his face repeatedly. Blood spurts from Ezekiel's nose, and he grabs it in pain. Katie pushes him back up against the bark of the tree.)

Katie: Ezekiel, you need to learn something. If you continue to act like a retard, you're going to rub people the wrong way!

Ezekiel (tapping his chin): You know, out of all the expressions you modern-day teenagers use, that one has always been the term I've understood the least. I mean, how do you rub someone the _right_ way? Does it require practice? Are there special kinds of gloves one must use? Or is it not in the act itself, but in the sensual events leading up to it? (Katie stares at him in disbelief.)

Katie: My case in f**king point, Ezekiel! If you spend time analyzing the proper technique to molest someone, someone's going to get pissed off! And that person is going to want to take action. And then you're going to wake up in a dumpster, bloody and bruised, later to be diagnosed with severe head trauma, multiple fractured ribs, and AIDS. Sound magic to you, Ezekiel?

Ezekiel: …Or perhaps to rub someone the right way, you don't use your hands, but your earlobes, instead. (Katie slaps him across the face.)

Katie: Focus! Now, let's go back to the issue at hand.

Ezekiel: Yes, let's. (He taps his chin, and beckons to Katie.) So, what are _your_ thoughts on rubbing people the right way? I'm sure you've got quite the intellectual answer. (Katie slaps him again.) Ooo… I never thought about that, eh. Quite intellectual indeed! (Katie slaps him twice, once with each hand.)

Katie: I can do this all night, Ezekiel. So, are you going to shut up? (Ezekiel nods.) Good. (She slaps him again for good measure.) Now, back on topic. I set up the entire cabin specifically so there was no possible way you could get in! I spent all night setting up the traps. I laced the windows with the highest quality fly paper! I set mouse traps all underneath the cabin floor, waiting to spring up at any moment! I hired three interns to patrol the cabin with armed bazookas! How did you still find a way inside?

Ezekiel: Truthfully, eh? Well, your defenses were elementary, to say the least. First of all, the fly paper on the windowsill. You placed it oot for far too long. It dried up in a matter of days. Remember: you should constantly replace your fly paper so it doesn't lose its effectiveness, eh. And even if the fly paper _was _sticky enough, it would've been easy to avoid it. A simple 360-degree aerial barrel-roll cleanly propelled me through the window and over the first of many mouse traps you had placed at the base of the wall. Now, that gets me onto the second of your traps. The mouse traps. Now, you were clever to place these under the floorboards, and you set them up so they would only spring up at the pressure of my hulky and manly weight, protecting you and your closest ally, Bridgette. This also gave off the illusion that there were no mouse traps, as one could easily see through your poorly fly-papered window that you and Bridgette were walking around your cabin as if nothing was lurking beneath the floor. But it's a trick I've seen used many times, eh. So I proceeded with caution. And just like I suspected, you placed the mouse traps in one of the most obvious patterns used by landmine planters today: from the base of the window, you placed one mouse trap underneath every other plank of wood stretching oot across the cabin. Hooever, I knew you would switch up the pattern after six mouse traps, because you knew that the human brain most consistently becomes locked into a pattern after six cycles through it, eh. Therefore, by placing two boards between the previous mouse trap and the next one, you believed I would have become relaxed by then on my careful journey across the floor of your cabin, and stepped right upon your trap. But then again, I don't see why these mouse traps would be such a threat to me anyways; a little pinch wouldn't affect my muscular, steel-like toes, no matter how great the chance of Tetanus, eh.

Katie (rubbing the back of her head): Yeah… I was kind of counting on the bazookas.

Ezekiel: Ah, yes. Your arms-bearing interns. Two of them were drunk, and the other one seemed to be sober. However, the sober intern was a woman, so, like with all other females, I was able to charm her with my rugged good looks in a matter of seconds, eh. (Katie stares at him.)

Katie: Wow… so you really have a knack for this espionage thing. Hmm… (She starts to think, and as she does, she tightens her grip on Ezekiel's neck. This makes the homeschool cry out in pain, and start blubbering like a baby.)

Ezekiel: Look, I'm sorry it happened, eh! But please, don't hurt me! I won't ever intrude on your girl time again. It's just, I feel like you girls understand me so much better than the guys in the cabin do! And I need to talk to you about something that Geoff said. It made me feel like—

Katie: Enough with your tear-stained confession about your gender confusion! I'm trying to think! (She continues to rack her brain for a few more seconds, and then turns to Ezekiel, grinning. Katie lets go of her grip on Ezekiel's throat, and he falls to the ground. He rubs his neck, chuckling sheepishly.)

Katie: I have a plan for you, _Zeke_.

Ezekiel: Does it involve potatoes?

Katie: What? No! Why the hell would it involve potatoes? No, Ezekiel, I have much different plan for you, one with no bulbs of any kind. You're going to be my spy.

Ezekiel: Er… what's a spy, eh?

Katie: God, how completely cut off from the real world are you? (She shakes her head.) Spies, Ezekiel, are a very important breed. They're creatures of the night. Masters of stealth. Experts in mixed martial arts. They see all that is unseen. Hear all that is unheard. They won't leave, even if you try everything you can to get them to. Just like you, Ezekiel. (Ezekiel's eyes light up at all of this.)

Ezekiel: Sounds like me!

Katie: Um, yeah, that's what I just _said_! Now, I need to give you your mission.

Ezekiel: My mission. (His mouth starts to water.) I've always dreamed of being assigned a mission, eh!

Katie: Great. Then you'll love this one. I need you to spy on the Screaming Ivy. Study their interactions. Observe their body language. Analyze the hidden meanings beneath what they say to one another. I saw you at their elimination ceremony tonight. Did you notice anything? Who do you think is the Screaming Ivy mastermind?

Ezekiel: I think it's Lindsay, eh. From what I've observed.

Katie: Lindsay! I should've known! (She taps her chin.) She's obviously running the show over there. (She pauses.) Wait a minute. Did I seriously just agree with that? (She scowls at Ezekiel.) You're going to have to do better than that, Zeke. So yeah. Find out everything you can on the Screaming Ivy. (She notices he's disappeared.) Where did he go? (She looks upwards, and sees a dark figure darting from tree to tree, off into the night.)

Katie: Oh boy. What have you just released, Katie?

**Confession Cam**

**Katie: With the merge soon approaching, I need to gather as much information from the other team as I can. Its cracks, its secret alliances... then, I must use this information to my advantage once the merge comes around, and turn the Screaming Ivy members against one another! But I need a spy to help me. As much as it pains me to say so, Ezekiel's the best spy I have on my team. He's stealthy, persistent… and he has a disturbing habit of popping up out of nowhere. (Ezekiel suddenly appears on her lap, making Katie shriek.)**

**Ezekiel: Ta-da! (Katie snarls, and starts beating Ezekiel up.)**

**Katie: How dare you, you piece of—(The camera cuts off as she continues to tear Ezekiel apart, as he cries in pain.) **

**End of Confessionals**

**Redemption Cabin**

Alejandro: C'mon, Alejandro, scrub! (The ladies' man is in the bathtub, talking to himself as he lathers up his body. Upon his head is a pink shower cap.) Remember, you must get between your thighs when washing. You know the type of grime that can accumulate there from a hard day's work. And you must be completely squeaky clean for the duel!

**Confession Cam**

**Alejandro: Another thing I focused on while in Redemption Cabin was personal hygiene. Take a look! You can literally see your reflection in my buttocks, they're that shiny! (He bends over and looks at his reflection in his buttocks.) I look good. **

**End of Confessionals**

Alejandro: Ahh… (He leans back in the bathtub, letting the steam rise from the water. He is finished with his cleaning, and is now relaxing, his eyes closed.) So very soothing this is… like I am sizzling in a bowl of chicken tortilla soup… (Suddenly, he hears the sound of breaking glass, over by the door. Alejandro's eyes burst open. Slowly, his pupils dart around the room, but see nothing. Alejandro rises up out of the bathtub, and wraps a towel around himself. Grabbing his spear, he walks over and investigates the door. He sees no broken windows, and no shattered glass of any kind. Alejandro peers outside. Nothing suspicious out there. The latino shrugs.)

Alejandro: You are paranoid, Alejandro. Your next visitor will be nothing like Harold. Unless it's Ezekiel. (He shudders.) Oh god. Or Izzy. OHMYGOD, WHAT IF IT'S IZZY?! (He starts to hyperventilate.) Calm yourself, Alejandro. When you left, Izzy and Ezekiel both had great positions in the game. It's not like they are completely polarizing outcasts from their own teams, or something. (He thinks for a second.) Except they _are _completely polarizing outcasts from their own teams! (He is now freaking out now, his spear clenched firmly. He points it at a shadow that looks mysteriously like Ezekiel.) Well, I'm ready! You can't flash me, Ezekiel! (He whips around, and sees a broom with long red hair like Izzy's.) And you can't blow me up, Izzy! (He thinks for a second.) How exactly would a spear protect me from explosives? (He calms down.) Don't lose your sense, Alejandro. You're being ridiculous. Now go back to that bath of yours, and continue those wonderful fantasies of Heather… (Alejandro nods to himself, and heads back to the bathtub. He steps in, and slowly lowers himself back into the warm water.)

Alejandro: Ahh… you have nothing to fear, Alejandro. You are completely alone. It's just you, your bath, and Beth. (He sits in a silent for a moment.) Wait a minute. BETH?! (He suddenly realizes that Beth is in the bath tub with him, completely naked.)

Beth (seductively): Why hello there.

Alejandro: Beth! Heh heh. What are you doing here? Were you eliminated?

Beth: I was. I guess my team just thought I was too **HOT **to handle. (She winks, making sure to display just enough of her cleavage above the bubbles of the bath. Alejandro shudders.)

Alejandro: Hm. T-that's interesting. But w-why are you in my b-bathtub?

Beth: Because I like your bath, Alejandro. And I needed a cleaning. (She winks at him, and sighs in pleasure.) I can just feel the grime washing off of my skin… (Alejandro tries not to vomit, and swallows deeply.)

Alejandro: That's *urk*… that's great, Beth. We all like to be clean, don't we?

Beth: Not always true. Sometimes I like to get _**dirty**_. (She inches towards him, and Alejandro inches away from her.)

Alejandro: So… I guess the duel is tomorrow, huh? Heh heh.

Beth: *Sigh*… It's all about the game to you, isn't it, Alejandro? When can you learn to just… _**relax**_? (She raises her leg up high, and takes a sponge. Slowly she rubs it down her leg, from the top of her toes to her inner thigh. Alejandro's eyes are now watering, partially from disgust, partially from pure terror.)

Alejandro: Please don't do that.

Beth: Why? Don't you like it? (She has cornered him in the bathtub, and inches toward him, wiggling her body seductively through the water. A few tears drop from Alejandro's eyes, and hit the water with a hiss. Beth is now pressed up next to him. She whispers into his ear.)

Beth: This is nice, isn't it?

Alejandro: Mm.

Beth: Yeah… let's just stay like this. Let's just enjoy the bath. Sound good? (Alejandro can barely nod. Slowly, he starts to cry, as Beth nuzzles up against him.)

**Confession Cam**

**Alejandro: Well, that experience is going to cause me long nights of trauma, that's for sure. It's obvious Beth still hasn't quite gotten over that crush of hers on me yet. Understandable. Even _I _haven't quite gotten over my crush on myself yet. But at least I know that this should be an easy duel. **

**Beth: Step one complete. Alejandro has no idea what my true plans are. (She grins.) I think I make a pretty good seductress, don't you? **

**End of Confessionals**

(Alejandro and Beth now each sit at the ends of a long table in the cabin, facing each other.)

Beth: This is nice… isn't it?

Alejandro: Um… where did you get the table? (Before Beth can answer, the piercing scream of a tea kettle going off rings through the air.)

Beth: Ah! The tea is ready! (She races off to go get it.)

Alejandro: Where'd she get a tea kettle? And where'd she get an oven, for that matter? (Beth comes back, with a cup and tea kettle. She places the cup in front of Alejandro, and pours the tea in. She then sits back down at her seat, and watches him from across the table.)

Alejandro: Um… aren't you going to drink some?

Beth: Nah… watching a sexy guy like yourself drink tea is enough to quench any girl's thirst.

Alejandro: Very well. I _am _very thirst quenching. (He slowly brings the cup up to his lips. Immediately he recognizes the smell. Alejandro pauses, and Beth furrows her brow.)

Beth: Is there a problem?

Alejandro: Nope. (He drinks it all, and smiles at her.) Delicious. You prepared it excellently. (Beth isn't even hiding her smirk now, as she watches him from across the table.)

Beth: Well, that was a nice conversation.

Alejandro: Um, did we even speak to each other about anything?

Beth: We spoke with our eyes, Alejandro. They said everything that needs to be said.

Alejandro: But your eyes are just two dots! How are they supposed to convey any emotion?

Beth: Maybe we should go to sleep. We can have our conversation tomorrow morning. Before the duel.

Alejandro: Say… I _am _getting tired… Funny, usually I need my burrito pacifier to fall asleep… (He slowly walks over to his bed, and lies down in it.)

Beth: You don't need it… you're a big boy now…

Alejandro (his eyelids drooping): Heh heh… I'm a big boy…

Beth: Go to sleep… When you wake up, this will all be over… (She places a blanket over his body.)

Alejandro: Okay… mama… (His eyelids droop over, and he starts to snore. Beth grins down at him condescendingly.)

Beth: Well, lookie here. The great Alejandro. The ladies' man. Fitting his end comes at the hands of a female. (She yawns suddenly.) As much as I'd like to relish this moment, I do need my sleep. Big Bertha, you can stand guard.

Big Bertha: F**k you. Um, I mean, oink.

Beth: Goodnight to you too! (She chuckles and climbs into another one of the beds. In a matter of seconds, she's fast asleep. Immediately, Alejandro hops out of bed, and jams two fingers down his throat. He hacks, and vomits up all of the tea. He wipes his forehead.)

Alejandro: Whew. That was a close one. (Big Bertha is watching him in amusement.)

Big Bertha: Wow. I've never seen a guy who's so skilled at being a bulimic!

Alejandro: Shut up. (He grins at Beth.) Well played, pig girl. You almost had me. But now it's my move.

**Confession Cam**

**Alejandro: I admit, it certainly was impressive how Beth had it all planned out. I did not think she had that kind of strategy in her! But drugging me? Don't you think that's a bit too low, even for your standards? Oh well. Now it's my turn. Time for Alejandro to work his spicy magic! (He rubs his hands together.)**

**End of Confessionals**

Alejandro: Stop it! Stop being so uncooperative, you revolting swine! (Big Bertha's hoof smashes into his face. He is struggling with the pig, trying to get it to stop moving.)

Big Bertha: Let go of me, you rapist! BETH! HELP! HELP—(He is cut off as Alejandro shoves his fist into the pig's mouth, shutting him up.)

Alejandro: Please, hush. Or you may soon find out how much I love a good pork taquito. Now, you're going to listen to my plan. (He takes his hand out of Big Bertha's mouth.)

Big Bertha: If you were just going to talk to me, why did you just grab me and violate my oral region with your dirty Latino hand?

Alejandro: Because I wanted to show you how serious I am about this. Now, here's how this is going to work. You're going to leave the cabin. Go run off into the woods. You'll be free. Free from the suffocating terror that is Beth!

Big Bertha: Admittedly, I'd love to be free from that bitch. But why do you care so much?

Alejandro: It's all part of my plan. Tomorrow morning, when Beth wakes up, she won't know where you are. Certainly, she'll refuse to go to the duel until she's found you. She'll have to forfeit! And I will have won! And I will be one step closer to being back in the game, and wreaking my revenge on the teammates who so mercilessly voted me off.

Big Bertha: Geez, do you humans ever play fair? Or do you always just lie and cheat your way to victory? Do you monsters even have consciences?

Alejandro: So you will not help me?

Big Bertha: No no, I'm all for lying and cheating. Especially if it results in Beth's elimination. In fact, before I leave, we should have a back-up plan in case this doesn't work. I came up with one. (He whispers in Alejandro's ear, making the sexy man's eyes go wide.)

Alejandro: Wow… so you really hate her, don't you?

Big Bertha: You don't understand what it's like, living with her! Do you know how many nights during middle school she spent substituting her social life for dancing around me in her pajamas? It was terrible!

Alejandro: What? What's wrong with that? Everyone loves a good pajama dance fiesta! (He sighs, reminiscing.) I remember the long, spicy nights _mi madre_ and I used to spend dancing in our pajamas… (He scowls, and clenches his fists.) But she always thought my brother Jose was the best at the dancing… Even though he couldn't even come _close _to my Flamenco dancing! My Flamenco dancing incorporated all the aspects of Spanish dance; it was sensual, fluid, and exciting. Yet still, _mi mama_ only wanted to tango with Jose's mango! (He sighs.) Do you understand my regret? (He looks up, and sees Big Bertha running out of the cabin. He groans.)

Alejandro: You're just like my brother Jose. Never listening to my feelings.

**Confession Cam**

**Big Bertha: Okay, that dude seriously needs to get over his creepy man-crush on his brother. I'm seriously starting to feel like Jose doesn't exist, and he's just a figment of Alejandro's tortured imagination, an image of what his perfect self could be! Man, we pigs should be psychologists. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Screaming Ivy Cabin (Males)**

Trent: I'm glad you're back. (Cody is just stepping through the door as he says this.)

Cody: Dude, that's kind of creepy. I was literally gone for like two minutes while I was brushing my teeth.

Trent: Well, I'm glad you're back, anyways. I missed you. Here; sit down. (He beckons to the spot on the bed next to him.)

Cody: Um... okay. Actually, I've been meaning to talk to you. Remember that favor I asked of you? Where'd you help me out with Katie?

Trent: Ah, yes. You want to win the girl.

Cody: Just this once, please! You need to give me advice! You've been pretty successful with the ladies, right? How do you win them over?

Trent: Ladies are complicated, Cody. There are many layers to them. Plus, they act on impulse. Probably why they were denied voting rights for so many years. Was that sexist? Yeah, that was probably sexist. Anyways, I think I have the perfect words of advice for you.

Cody: Thank you, thank you! (He jumps on Trent's lap, and hugs him.)

Trent: Um, you're making me feel uncomfortable here.

Cody: Sorry. (He gets off. Trent smiles, and continues.)

Trent: Women, out of all the things I've observed of them, love to win. Take Courtney for example. She wins? She's happy. She loses? She takes her anger out on me, which includes many painful kicks to the crotch. So you need to help Katie win, or else you may find your crotch in quite a bit of pain very soon.

Cody: So, what you're saying is I need throw the challenge.

Trent: Not necessarily. You're just helping Katie. You're not hurting your own team.

Cody: And this works?

Trent: Works like a charm.

Cody: But wait a minute. Didn't you try this with Gwen back in Season 2, and she just broke up with you?

Trent: Yes, but I carried it out in the wrong way. I made it seem like I was inferior to her. You need to make it seem like you could win the challenge, but you're choosing to help her instead, because you pity her. Women love to be pitied.

Cody: …Really?

Trent: Yeah! They want to be dominated. They want _you _to be in control.

Cody: Wow. I never thought of it that way. Wow! Thanks, Trent! I owe you one!

Trent: Good. Then I have a little favor to ask you. (He looks at Cody's surprised facial expression.) What?

Cody: Sorry, I'm just surprised. Usually when people say they owe a person one, they don't actually expect the person to follow through and ask them for a favor.

Trent: Well, it's a small favor. And considering I just saved you from becoming a virgin for life, I think you should help.

Cody: Okay. What do you want?

Trent: You know how to work an overhead projector, right?

Cody: Dude, I'm the show's tech geek. I can not only work the overhead projector, I can convince it to give me oral.

Trent: Um… great to know. So yeah. When I call on you, I need you to go set it up for me. Okay? But that'll be sometime in the daytime. Now, let's get our rest, agreed?

Cody: Agreed. (They sit there on the bed for a while.)

Trent: In separate beds, Cody.

Cody: Oops. Heh heh. Forgot.

**Confession Cam**

**Cody: Alright! Phase One of Cody's Plan begins! Set sail for getting laid! (He jumps out the window. Chris sticks his head in.)**

**Chris: Seriously, how many times is he going to do that after his confessionals?**

**End of Confessionals**

**Redemption Cabin**

(It is now early morning, and mist is hanging low in the air around the cabin. Alejandro gallops through the fog, having just come back from his early morning run. He wipes the sweat off his forehead, and grins at his reflection in the pool that accumulates on the ground.)

Alejandro: Let us begin, shall we? (He opens the door to the cabin, and sees that Beth is still asleep. Slowly, he tiptoes over to her bed, and gently nudges her awake. Beth's eyes sluggishly open, and she puts on her glasses. She does a double-take when she sees Alejandro.)

Beth: You're… you're awake!

Alejandro: _Si_, I am. And I am feeling the best I have felt in a long while. That tea of yours really did the trick with my sleeping patterns. I had one of the most peaceful rests in my entire fourteen Spanish lives. No sleep-walking, no nightmares of my brother humiliating me, no waking up with a sore back and a tear-stained pillow… it was wonderful, Beth.

Beth: Heh heh. G-glad I could help. (She chuckles nervously.) So, is it time to go to the duel?

Alejandro: Yes… we must leave in ten minutes. Chris wants us there at 6 am, sharp. However, I woke you up just a tad bit early because I regret to inform you of a loss.

Beth: What? What happened?

Alejandro: It appears that… it appears that… that… (He chokes on a sob.)

Beth: Don't cry, Alejandro! Oh, please don't cry! It will mess up your beautiful face! (Alejandro sniffles, and sits down on her bed next to her.)

Alejandro: It's all my fault. I could've prevented it, I'm sure… after all, I was very close to her as well…

Beth: Tell me, Alejandro! I won't be mad!

Alejandro: Big Bertha… has run away. (After he says this, he breaks down sobbing again.)

Beth: No!

Alejandro: Yes, it is the truth. (He pounds his fists against the wall in agony.) I feel terrible! I should've been there to stop her. She could be anywhere on the island now… She could be lost in the forest, back at camp, or even in Chef's next dish…

Beth: Oh, don't say that, Alejandro! Quick, we need to look everywhere! (She quickly opens up the waistband to Alejandro's thong, and peers in. Alejandro jumps away in surprise.)

Alejandro (blushing): I doubt she is in there, _muchacha_.

Beth: Sorry. Force of habit. Whenever Big Bertha used to go missing, Ezekiel's pants were always the first place I checked. Okay, we need to spread out, and search the area!

Alejandro: We only have ten minutes, Beth. I doubt we'll—

Beth: Enough with you and your pessimism! If we work together, anything is possible! (She takes Alejandro's hands, and rainbows and flowers appear around them.) With the power of friendship, anything can be accomplished!

Alejandro: Um… might I ask where all these flowers and rainbows are coming from? (But Beth has already sprinted out of the cabin, calling for Big Bertha. Alejandro watches her as she goes.)

Alejandro: Wow… so she really thinks we're friends? Unfortunately, the Alejandro does not have time for friends. He'll be happy enough when he has a million friends, all in the form of dollar bills. (He waits as ten minutes pass, then walks out into the forest and looks for Beth. Finally, he finds the nerd girl crouched up in a ball, crying.)

Alejandro: BETH! What has happened? Tell Alejandro everything!

Beth: She's not here. I couldn't find Big Bertha anywhere.

Alejandro: Oh no! Certainly, you must keep searching. You must not give up.

Beth: But what about the duel?

Alejandro: I can attend for both of us. It would be an honor. (He bows to her.) I will make sure to inform Chris of the inconvenience.

Beth: But wait… wouldn't that mean my elimination?

Alejandro: Perhaps. But it could also mean you're remembered and revered in Total Drama history forever, having sacrificed your own life to save your pig.

Beth: Nah, I'd rather go and win the duel. Let's head out, shall we?

Alejandro: Um, are you sure? You may never see Big Bertha again!

Beth: Oh, Big Bertha can survive on her own. She's resourceful. Now, I'm going to the duel. If you want to stay here, fine. _I'll inform Chris of the inconvenience_. (Alejandro realizes she has caught onto his trickery, and sighs.)

Alejandro: Let us make like _Don Quixote_, then.

**Confession Cam**

**Beth: Well, my plan didn't work. (She shrugs.) It's probably for the better. I would've had such a dirty conscience if Alejandro had to miss the duel! **

**Alejandro: Goddamit, why didn't my plan work? (He shrugs.) It's probably for the better. No wait, no it isn't! Because now I might lose! **

**End of Confessionals**

**Back at Camp**

(The campers are sleeping peacefully, when suddenly the faint sound of crappy pop music starts to float out of the intercom system. Slowly, it becomes louder and louder, until the music erupts into full volume, blasting Nicki Minaj's "Va Va Voom". The cabins rattle as the sound-waves from the stereo system fly through the air. In the Killer Redwoods Cabin, the beds are bouncing up and down. Tyler wakes up with a start, and freaks out.)

Tyler: It's the apocalypse! TAKE DJ, DON'T TAKE ME! (Before DJ can stop him, he grabs the brickhouse and hurls him out the window, then jumps out after him. Geoff is getting up, groaning.)

Geoff: My ears feel like they are being sexually assaulted right now… DUDES, I DON'T LIKE THE FEELING! (He freaks out, and jumps out the window after them. Meanwhile, Katie and Bridgette are stepping out of the cabin, half-asleep.)

Katie (her teeth clenched): Chris is about to find out how vasectomies work.

Bridgette: This couldn't possibly be Chris, could it? What kind of middle-aged man listens to sexually explicit female rappers for teenagers? (They both look each other, and then groan in unison.)

Katie and Bridgette (in tortured unison): _**Chris**_. (Meanwhile, over in the Screaming Ivy cabin, Cody and Trent both sprint out as fast as they can, crying for their mommies. Noah steps out after them, and shrugs.)

Noah: I kind of like it. (He starts wiggling his body just slightly to the groove.)

**Confession Cam**

**Noah: Don't judge me.**

**End of Confessionals**

(Courtney, Gwen, Izzy, and Lindsay have all now gathered outside the cabins. Gwen and Courtney quickly cover their ears, while Lindsay looks confused. Izzy beams.)

Izzy (yelling over the music): Man, I love this new Paul McCartney music! This is his best song yet!

Courtney: This isn't Paul McCartney! I don't know what the hell this is!

Gwen: It's "Nicki Minaj". (She groans.) I recognize it because this is my gay-ass brother's alarm clock music.

Lindsay: Like, I'm confused. (She points to Izzy.) So, if _she's _Paul McCartney… (She points to Gwen.)…and _she's _Nicki Minaj… (She points to herself.)…then who am _I_?

Courtney: An idiot. (All the campers are now out of the cabins, and standing in the clearing in the center. The music continues to play, and it seems to be getting louder.)

Geoff: Dudes, how long is this gonna go on?

DJ: I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! MOMMA! (He grabs Katie, and starts sobbing into her shoulder.)

Tyler: I'll save the day! (He grabs a basketball, and hurls it at Trent. It slams into the guitarist's head.)

Trent: Ow! What was that?!

Tyler: Sorry. I was trying to save the day. (The campers continue to writhe in agony as the music plays, until suddenly, the intercom shuts off. Tyler grins.)

Tyler: Hey look! It worked! I saved the day! (Suddenly, the sounds of horns trumpeting the Olympic theme fill the air.)

Bridgette: Oh god. Is that Chris, guys? (She points to the horizon, where the sun is slowly rising up. Silhouetted by the light is a man on a chariot, wearing a cloth wrapped around his body. Upon his head is a crown made of leaves. The chariot slowly moves forward, revealing that it is indeed Chris. He waves at the campers majestically, and they flip him off in response. Finally, the chariot stops, and the two interns pulling it bend over, panting and gasping for air.)

Chris: Welcome, my friends, to the Total Drama Olympics! The greatest of all games. Today, athletes will test their courage as they—

Gwen: Okay, before you go on some horrible monologue, can you please explain to us why the hell you just played that horrible music over the intercom?

Chris: Hey, I saw you getting into the groove, Gwen. Don't try to deny it. And since we are doing Olympic-themed challenges today, and today is Friday, I thought I'd sample you guys one of the select tracks from Nicki Minaj's new album, _Pink Friday: Roman Reloaded—The Re-Up_.

Noah: Okay, first of all, the Greeks did the original Olympics, not the Romans! How many times do we have to tell you that? And second, today is Tuesday, not Friday!

Chris: Close enough.

Noah: Actually, no, Chris. Tuesday is the farthest possible day you can get away from Friday.

Chris: Oh, whatev. Why don't we just make everyday Friday? Friday is such a fun day. Anyways, today, we're going back to the Olympics, as our final challenge before the merge! This will be the final fight between the two teams, so you should go all out. Plus, the real Olympics are going on as we speak!

DJ: The real Olympics happened four months ago!

Chris: Yeah… we were expecting this chapter to be out a little sooner than it ended up being. Anyways, about the Olympics. Since they were conceived in the 8th century BC, the Olympics have grown in scale to the point that nearly every nation is represented. Such growth has created numerous challenges, however, including boycotts, doping, bribery, and terrorism. All of which _will _be legal during today's challenges.

Katie: What if we all just choose to boycott this entire competition?

Chris: Then I will be very sad. Please don't make me sad. Anyways, with the expansion to all nations of the world, the Olympics have given unknown athletes and their families a chance to showcase their talents to the world. This includes the _very _athletic Mclean family, which has won a total of 17 medals since the early 1400s for Canada.

Courtney: Ha! Medals for what? Being an imbecile?

Chris: No, they're actually _very _esteemed medalists for synchronized swimming and figure skating! (He puts a hand to his heart.) And I plan to follow in their footsteps.

Trent: Chris, you are never going to be an Olympic athlete.

Chris: *Sigh*… You're probably right, Trenton. But I can dream. I CAN DREAM! Anyways, we're going to get started with the Wawanakwa Olympics 2012 right away.

Tyler: ALRIGHT! SPORTS! WHO'S PUMPED?! THIS YEAR, THE GOLD'S MINE!

Chris: Not so fast, Tyler. We're getting ahead of ourselves. First, as traditional with all Olympics, we must begin with the traditional Olympic torch relay. Commemorating the theft of fire from the Greek god Zeus by Prometheus, its origins lie in ancient Greece, where a fire was kept burning throughout the celebration of the ancient Olympics.

Cody: You copied that straight out of Wikipedia, didn't you?

Chris: Perhaps. So, as tradition, Chef Hatchet will be performing the torch relay. CHEF, BRING OUT THE TORCH! (In slow motion, Chef comes sprinting out of the forest, carrying a flaming torch high above his head. He is wearing nothing but a loin cloth, as his feet bound across the grass, in the direction of the giant cauldron over by the Mess Hall.)

Chris: Isn't he beautiful? Like a god on earth! (As Chef continues to run, his face contorts in determination. He runs past the campers, glances at them, and nods solemnly. He continues onward.)

Geoff: Dude, is he actually taking this seriously?

Chris (whispering to him): Chef thinks these are the actual Olympics. Don't tell him the truth. He'll be crushed. (Chef hears him, however, and turns back.)

Chef: WHAT?! (Right after he says this, he trips over a flower and lands on his face. He hurls the torch up into the air, and it lands beside him, the flame touching his loin cloth. Chef's clothing erupts into flame. Immediately, he starts rolling on the ground, trying to put it out.)

Chef: OW! HOT HOT HOT! (The flame spreads to his whole body, and now he is completely on fire. Chef runs around, screaming for help, before he collapses on the ground again, moaning in pain as the fire burns. Chris turns away, chuckling.)

Chris: I knew that would be entertaining. Anyways, with the Chef having been lit, it's time to start the games! First up, we have an event between two sorry outcasts you guys booted! Yes, it is time for the Redemption Cabin duel, between the strong and stoic Beth, and the spry and limber Alejandro. Only one may be the victor.

Lindsay: OMG, go BETH! Has she won yet?

Chris: The duel hasn't happened yet! Seriously, do you just live in some alternate universe where time doesn't exist? (He shakes his head.) Personally, I've got all my money placed on Alejandro. However, we'll see. (He grins evilly.) I'm sure he's going to love the challenge we have planned for him. Now, back during the ancient Olympics, nothing was a better motivation for an athlete than to see their loved one in the crowd, watching and cheering them on. Per tradition, Beth and Alejandro have each been asked to choose someone to be their loved one, and to come witness the duel. Their decisions are in this envelope. (He takes out an envelope with a heart on it, and opens it up.) First, Beth chooses Ezekiel, her pig-smooching soul mate.

Lindsay: WHAT? Why didn't she choose me?! We _love _each other! This is _soooooo _unfair.

Chris (shrugging): You can come and be _my _cheerleader, if you want, Lindsay.

Tyler: Hey man, that's my girlfriend! So she's _my _cheerleader! (He turns to Lindsay.) Cheer for me, Lindsay.

Lindsay: Um… yay?

Tyler: Ahh… I love it when you cheer for me.

Chris: Such an odd relationship. (He looks around.) Hmm… has anyone seen Ezekiel around? He's been mysteriously absent this whole t—(He is cut off as a dark shadow swoops down from the trees, and lands on him with a crunch. It is Ezekiel, except now he is wearing on his face a sock with two eye holes cut in it.)

Ezekiel: I have been here the whole time, eh.

Katie: Ezekiel, you're taking this spy thing too literall—

Ezekiel: Who is this Ezekiel you speak of? (He waves his gloved hands through the air mysteriously.) I am the spy of the night! I have no friends. I have no family. But I have many enemies. My job? To watch, analyze, and conclude. My goal? To save the world, eh. My hobbies? I really like Jenga. (He giggles.) What a fun game! (Meanwhile, Chris spits out dirt from underneath him.)

Chris: Oww… Get off of me!

Ezekiel: Very well. (He swoops away into the shadows. Chris gets up, fixes his toupee, and starts reading the envelope.)

Chris: So Beth has chosen Ezekiel as her loving spectator. And according to this, Alejandro has chosen… Noah? (Everyone snickers.)

Noah: Wait, seriously?! (Trent, trying to hold back laughter, comes up behind Noah and pats him on the back.)

Trent: Looks like Alejandro misses you, Noah. After all, you really had _such_ a close relationship with one another.

Noah: Are you sure you're not reading it wrong, Chris?

Chris: Nope. He wrote Noah. And hey, if he wants you there, I'm not going to judge.

Noah: Do I have to go?

Gwen: Go, Noah. After all, you don't want to betray Alejandro like you betrayed us. (Noah groans.)

Noah: Whatever.

Chris: Alright! Noah, Ezekiel, take the path to the Redemption Cabin Arena.

Ezekiel: Let us travel into the night, then! (He swoops out of the darkness, and grabs Noah around the waist. Before the bookworm can protest, Ezekiel whips out a harpoon gun, and shoots it at a branch of a tree. The harpoon lodges in the bark.)

Ezekiel: Now, we FLY! (With Noah in one hand and the handle of the harpoon gun in the other, he kicks off from the ground, and swings forward, off into the night. However, the two of them slam right into a tree, and slide down the side of it, groaning.)

**Confession Cam**

**Noah: Admittedly, I was a little worried about leaving my team at camp without me there. I just had a feeling that something was going on behind my back. And frankly, I really didn't feel that comfortable spending that much alone time with Ezekiel. **

**(Static) **

**(The confessional is empty. Suddenly, the door handle starts wiggling. It stops. It wiggles again for a few seconds, before stopping once more.)**

**Ezekiel (from outside the bathroom): It appears the spy of the night is locked out of his domain, the bathroom! Which is unfortunate, because he really needs to use the toilet of the night! But that is not an issue. He can get in with his magical spy powers! (There is a loud thud against the door.)**

**Ezekiel (from outside the bathroom): OW! *****************!**

**End of Confessionals **

Chris: Now, for the rest of you athletes… you'll be competing in a wonderful reward challenge, hosted by Chef.

DJ: Um, does anyone even know if he's okay?

Chris: I dunno. (He doesn't notice Chef Hatchet standing behind him, scorched and black, snarling in anger.)

Chef: CHRIS! YOU SAID THIS WOULD BE THE REAL OLYMPICS! YOU LIED TO ME, YOU BASTARD!

Chris: How could you possibly think these were real Olympics, dude? Why would they ever host the Olympics on some obscure island in Canada?

Chef: I just thought you wouldn't lie to me. And then you made me trip on a flower and set myself on fire!

Chris: Well, if it's any consolation, you get to host the reward challenge while I'm gone doing the Redemption Cabin duel. So you can do whatever you want to the campers.

Chef (grinning): Whatever… I want?

Chris (winking): Whatever you want, baby. (Chef's eyes light up. Then he faces the campers.)

Chef: Okay, you maggots! Follow me! And be prepared to use your craftsmanship skills!

Trent: Are you kidding me? Why do we always have to do something gay with Chef while the Redemption Cabin duel is going on?

Chef: I'LL SHOW YOU GAY, YOU BRAT! (He picks up Trent, and punts him off into the distance like a football. Chef turns to face the rest of the campers.) Unless you guys want me to test how good my field goal percentage is, I'd suggest you MOVE! (Everyone quickly starts hurrying after him. Tyler leads the pack, whooping.)

Tyler: LET'S DO THIS, GUYS! FIGHT THROUGH ADVERSITY!

**Confession Cam**

**Tyler: I gotta admit, I was pretty pumped for today's challenges. Last time we did Olympic stuff, I didn't get my chance to shine. I got beat up by Courtney, and defeated by _Cody _in a tiebreaker! But this time, I think I'm really going to show the world what my true talents are! (He holds up Gwen's diary.) It must be the new toilet paper I'm using. **

**Bridgette: I admit, I'm a little stressed out about having Olympic-themed challenges. Let's just say, I'm much better in water than I am on land. Does that make me some sort of messed up fish-human hybrid? **

**Trent: Today, I have many things I must focus on during the challenge. First, of course, I must find a way to show Noah's video to everyone before he returns from the duel. Second, I must help Cody in his ill-fated scheme to win over Katie. What else do I need to focus on? Hmm… (He thinks for a moment.) Oh yeah. The challenge. **

**End of Confessionals**

Geoff: Dude, you okay? (Tyler is standing next to him, vibrating in excitement.) You look like you're having a seizure! (Tyler's eyelid twitches.)

Tyler: Sorry. I'm just really PUMPED! (As he says this, he punches outwards with his fist, knocking out Courtney. The campers have now gathered outside the Mess Hall, including Trent, who is rubbing his butt in pain. Suddenly, the door slams open, and Chef walks out, carrying a giant box filled with supplies. He sets it down on the ground, and then leans against it, breathing heavily. Tyler sees the supplies, and yells with vigor.)

Tyler: Alright! Time for the first challenge! (He runs over to the box, and before Chef can stop him, he grabs a painting kit, and hurls it at the wall of the Killer Redwoods Cabin. It shatters against the wood, coating it in different paint colors.)

Tyler: Alright! A great first throw! (He grabs more supplies and hurls them as far as he can. Some go flying into Lake Wawanakwa, some disappear into the forest, and others slam into the campers.)

Chef: STOP, YOU PSYCHOPATHIC JOCK! (Tyler has his arms full with more supplies.)

Tyler: …Huh?

Chef: The challenge isn't throwing shit all over the place! That's a challenge for preschoolers!

Tyler: Can I at least throw these—

Chef: NO! (Tyler mutters to himself, and puts the supplies back in the box.)

Tyler (muttering): Trying to deny a champion? Tyler's a champion. You'll all see.

Bridgette: We can all hear you.

Tyler: OH YEAH? WELL HEAR ME WELL! I'M GOING TO WIN THIS CHALLENGE, NO MATTER WHAT! COWABUNGA! (He runs off into the forest.)

Courtney: But what _are _all these supplies for?

Chef: Let me explain, prissy pants! First, a lesson about the Greeks. The ancient Greeks had many important aspects of their culture. The most important aspect was the Greek gods. Gods meant everything to the Greeks. They gave them food, water, and other necessary supplements to stay alive. But the gods were also monsters of incredible power. They could snap a ship in two, destroy crops for weeks, and make you lose your penis, just with a clap of their mighty hands!

Trent: No god in Greek mythology can make you lose your penis.

Chef: Oh? Then you must be forgetting Mandako, the penis god!

Trent: Doesn't exist.

Chef: See? This explains why you barely have one. You don't believe! Anyways, to prevent things like this from happening, the Greeks made sure to appease the gods. The gods liked to be worshipped. So the Greeks created shrines dedicated to the great spiritual beings, in hopes that the gods would bless their land with happiness and prosperity.

Izzy: So we're doing a sacrifice? I nominate Chef!

Trent: I agree. Let's sacrifice Chef.

Chef: Shut up! Nobody aint not sacrificin' nobody!

Gwen: Wow. A quadruple negative. I didn't know that was even possible.

Chef: So what if I wasn't blessed by the grammar god? We all got faults! So, today, for your reward challenge, you will be creating shrines, just like the Greeks. However, you will all be worshipping one god. That god… is me!

Katie: Ha! What are _you _the god of?

Chef: I am the god of everything, of course! (Courtney crosses her arms.)

Courtney: No. I refuse to do it. I will not make a shrine dedicated to a man who's probably increased my chance of getting cancer ten-fold through his cooking.

Chef: Not a good idea. You might want to remember that the best shrine gets an incredible reward beyond your wildest imagination.

Geoff: What even _is _the reward, dude?

Chef: That doesn't matter.

Bridgette: Then why should we compete, if we don't even know what we're competing for?

Chef: Because there's not only a reward for the best shrine. There's also a punishment for the worst one. The owner of the shrine that doesn't appease me well enough will be forced to spend the rest of the morning worshipping me one on one. Massaging me, bathing me, feeding me grapes, listening to all my problems…

Izzy: Are you serious? That sounds like the best punishment ever! I would love to do that!

Chef: And that's why, no matter what, you're _not _getting the punishment.

Trent: This has got to violate, like, sixteen different laws of child abuse.

Chef: Well, _you _violate sixteen different laws of ugly!

Lindsay: C'mon, guys! This could be fun! It's what you make of the experience!

Chef: Yeah! Listen to the girl that has no idea what's going on right now!

Gwen (groaning): Fine, we'll do it. But don't blame me when I puke all over my shrine once I'm done with it.

Chef: Hey, puke is good building material. Speaking of puke, you will have one hour to complete your shrine.

Courtney: Okay, why'd you say "Speaking of puke" before that last sentence of yours, when it had nothing to do with vomit of any kind? (Chef scowls.)

Chef: Now I know why Chris cries himself to sleep every night after each episode! It's because of you obnoxious campers throwing in your smartass comments every time the host tries to speak! Have you no respect? Have you no decency? Either way, you guys _will _learn to respect me. I am your god!

Gwen: God, are kidding me?

Chef: Hey, good! You're already addressing me properly! This is going better than I expected. Now, to help you figure out some ideas for shrines, each of you will get a list of all my passions and hobbies. (He tosses each of them a list. Bridgette unrolls hers, and it drops all the way down to her ankles.)

Bridgette: How are we supposed to read any of this? This is just incoherent scribbling!

Chef: Yeah, well I wasn't blessed by the god of literacy, either!

Izzy: Don't worry, guys. I know all about Chef's passions!

Chef: I don't even want to know what sick ideas of my passions you may have. (He nods at the campers.) I'll be back in an hour for the judging process, peasants! Now to go get me a sponge bath.

Izzy: Alright! Let's do this! I'm going to need three bottles of ketchup, ten vibrators, and a bag of Hello Kitty night lights. (She races off in the direction of Chris and Chef's trailer. Meanwhile, the rest of the campers walk over to the box of supplies, and look in.)

Courtney: This stuff is useless!

Lindsay: It's not useless! It's what you make of the stuff that counts. (She pulls out a sack of flour, and puts it on her head.) Look! Now I have a hat!

Tyler: Can't argue with that logic. (Meanwhile, DJ and Katie watch from off to the side.)

Katie (nudging DJ): We need to make sure that we're not the losers of this challenge. Do you have any ideas for a shrine?

DJ: Chef likes candy, right?

Katie: I don't think Chef likes candy, so much as he likes giving the candy to little girls and then stuffing them in his van.

DJ: Yeah, that Chef… he's such a generous guy, don't you think?

Katie: You need to stop standing up for Chef, DJ. I know he put you through that weird coming-of-age ceremony or whatever back in Total Drama Action, but he's dangerous to get too close to!

DJ: Well, I think candy's a great idea. (Tyler glares over at him.)

Tyler: Hey, man, you can't do candy! _I'm _doing candy!

DJ: How about we both do candy, Tyler?

Tyler: How about we fight each other to the death with these candy canes? Winner gets to use the idea.

DJ: I'm not dueling you with a candy cane, Tyler—(He is cut off as a candy cane slams into his head.)

Tyler: Pick up your weapon, warrior! Now, _en garde_! (Before DJ can stop him, the jock tackles him and starts beating him over the head with a candy cane, as DJ cries in pain. Katie watches this in disgust.)

Katie: I can't believe those two are the best athletes on my team.

**Confession Cam**

**Katie: Chris has now confirmed that the merge is happening next episode. For maximum strength in numbers, I need to make sure we win today's immunity challenge, so that both the teams go into the merge six strong. If we go in with five members, and the other team goes in with seven members, they'll surely see the numbers, and choose to pick the Killer Redwoods off one by one. But the question is, how am I going to win when Tyler and DJ are shoving candy up each other's vaginas? **

**Tyler: Ow… (Shards of candy cane are sticking out of his face.) I'm still a boss. **

**End of Confessionals**

Katie (muttering to herself): Pathetic. (She starts walking in the direction of the cabins, when Cody jogs up alongside her.)

Cody (breathing heavily): You know, this isn't even, like, hard for me. I could jog like this all day, you know.

Katie: Great. Go jog off a cliff. (Cody stops, and starts walking next to her.)

Cody: I understand how you feel, you know.

Katie: About what?

Cody: About this whole game, you know? Sometimes, things get tough, you know? What with all the drama, you know. I could help you, you know.

Katie: If you say "you know" at the end of your sentence one more time, I'm going to shoot you. (Cody isn't listening.)

Cody: I understand how intimidating some of these challenges must be for you. I know how hard it is for girls to move their arms and legs, and such.

Katie: I can still move them well enough to beat you to a bloody, mangled pulp!

Cody: Perhaps, but I think I can help you.

Katie: Oh, so what you're saying is that _you _can just beat yourself up and save me the trouble?

Cody: What I'm saying is that I can help you win this challenge. If you give me a chance. Will you give me a chance?

Katie: I've got too many other things to worry about besides your pathetic little crush. Go hit on Izzy, or something. You might get at least some form of action from her. Probably action that will leave you severely incapacitated, but action nonetheless. (She then walks off, leaving Cody standing there. Cody slaps his hand to his forehead.)

Cody (talking to himself): You seem too desperate, Cody! You need to make Katie feel like she's insignificant! That's what Trent said, right? Hmm, I wonder if that's actually the key to romance.

Trent: Well, it is. (Cody whips around to see Trent standing behind him in the shadows.)

Cody: How long have you been standing there? And why are you surrounded by shadows?

Trent: None of that matters. It's time for you to repay that favor, Cody.

Cody: But what about the challenge?

Trent: The challenge can wait. Let us head to the video room, shall we? (He ushers Cody away. Meanwhile, Bridgette is sorting through supplies, when she sees Katie walking past. Bridgette waves to her. Katie turns away, and keeps walking. Bridgette scowls, and looks over at Geoff, who is mixing a bowl of what appears to be really thick cereal.)

Bridgette: Um, what are you doing, Geoff?

Geoff: I'm making my building material, babe! I'm gonna make a statue of Chef made entirely out of cereal. After all, cereal is one of his passions.

Bridgette: No, Geoff, cereal is one of _your _passions. You have no idea if Chef likes cereal or not!

Geoff: Well, everyone loves cereal. (He dips his finger into his cereal cement, and tastes it.) Needs more cereal.

Bridgette: Oh, by the way, Geoff. I've been really impressed by how nice you've become. It's like you decided to turn a new leaf! (Geoff nods solemnly.)

Geoff: I have. It all began one day, when I looked in the mirror. I stared into my own eyes. And I saw a man I wasn't proud of, Bridge. A man who had bullied, betrayed, and just plain acted like condescending tool! So I aspired to be more than that sum of my parts. I finally understood what I wanted to be. I decided I would help those less fortunate than me, ones not blessed with rugged good looks and a goofy charm. I aspired to succeed! And in doing, so I felt… complete. (Bridgette is silent for a moment, before she speaks again.)

Bridgette: Wow… I don't think I've ever been more turned on in my life. (She puts her hand to his bare chest, and stares into his eyes.)

Geoff: Wait… are you saying we can make out? (Bridgette nods.) **BOOYAH!**

Bridgette: And now… I'm completely turned off again. Whatever. (She shrugs, and the two start making out. However, Bridgette pulls away after a few seconds.)

Bridgette: Geoff?

Geoff: Mmm? (His lips are still puckered in midair.)

Bridgette: One more thing: we need to vote off Katie if we lose today.

Geoff: Mmm… (He pulls her back into their make out session, pretending not to have heard.)

**Confession Cam**

**Geoff: So, Bridgette finally makes out with me for the first time in like, forever. But then, just as we're getting started, she tells me we need to vote off Katie if this relationship can continue! Man, I don't know… I care about my relationship with Bridgette and all, but I also care about a million big ones! And personally, I think Katie's the one that can take me to the end. What do I care more about? My dedicated girlfriend of three years, or some money I'll probably blow a few days after the show's over? Man, when you're playing the strategy game, you come to so many hard decisions! **

**Bridgette: Yes, I'm going to say it now. Katie needs to go. I know she doesn't truly plan to stay with the alliance of four. In fact, I almost get the feeling she could be gunning for me. So here's what I need to do. I need to convince Geoff, DJ, and Ezekiel all to vote for Katie. I think I can swing Geoff. DJ's gonna be trickier. Katie is his "girlfriend", after all. I think Ezekiel's gonna be the toughest, mostly because he's unpredictable. You can literally think he's on board, and then he'll randomly go and vote for, oh, I don't know, Blaineley. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Redemption Arena**

Chris: Welcome, Noah! (Noah has stepped through the ivy-covered entrance to the arena, and is looking around with a slightly amused facial expression. Chris beckons around them.) This is Redemption Arena. Observe the plush, leather seats! See the perfectly trimmed grass! Notice the extremely handsome host with muscular, taught gums standing before you! What do you have to say about all of this?

Noah: Meh.

Chris: "Meh"?! All you can say is "MEH"?! Observe the location! Perfect for viewing wonderful Wawanakwa sunsets! Feel the temperature! Breezy and refreshing, yet warm enough to wear something casual! Take a look at my outfit! Stylish, yet not so stylish that it comes across as chafing! C'mon, say something better about the place than "meh"!

Noah: Okay. Mehh.

Chris: How is that any different?

Noah: I added an extra "h".

Chris: Thank you. That's more like it. Sometimes, I feel like I never get any appreciation. (Noah climbs up into the stands, and sits down in one of the chairs.)

Noah: So, when I do I get to watch Alejandro and Beth tear each other limb from limb? I thought of wearing a poncho, just in case the blood splatter became too much.

Chris: Hey, good idea! Blood is _soooo _bad for my complexion. (He puts a poncho on over his toga. Noah is slightly disturbed that Chris isn't joking about this.)

Chris: Well, where's Ezekiel? Is he with you?

Noah: How should I know? The moment we entered the forest, he recited some monologue in a horribly-attempted Batman voice, punched me in the gut, and then ran off into the foliage. I haven't seen him since.

Chris: Ah, that Ezekiel. So horribly confused about his purpose in the world. Well, we'll have to get going without him. First, let's bring in our beautiful, border-hopping, bisexual bro, Alejandro Burromuerto! (Alejandro steps into the arena, scowling.)

Alejandro: When you announce my name, are you always going to throw in a racially insensitive alliteration while you're at it?

Chris: Probably.

Alejandro: And why are you wearing a poncho? Are you insulting my heritage, now? Well, I'll have you know that back in my hometown, my poncho was the most impressive of them all. It was the finest hue of red, and when I spread my arms, it appeared as if I had the wingspan of an eagle. But mi mama never liked my poncho… she only wanted to roncho with _Jose's_ poncho!

Chris: Here: how about I stop being racially insensitive, if you stop going on long tangents about your brother? Deal?

Alejandro: Very well. It's a deal. (The two shake on it. Alejandro then turns and sees Noah in the stands.) Noah! You came! (He spreads his arms out wide.) Come on down here and give your amigo Alejandro a hug.

Noah: Um, no thanks.

Alejandro: Aw, but we have not seen each other in so long!

Noah: It's been three days, dude.

Chris: Oh, Noah, just give him a hug. One hug can't hurt.

Noah: But he's wearing a thong!

Alejandro: I can take it off, if you like.

Noah: No no! The thong is fine. (Slowly, he shifts out of his seat, and walks down towards the playing field. Finally, he gets there, and walks over to Alejandro. The two awkwardly reach out and hold each other in an embrace. Alejandro leans forward, and immediately starts whispering in Noah's ear.)

Alejandro: _I'm glad you're here. Now you can tell me all the… news. _

Noah: _What do you mean_?

Alejandro: _I have a plan, Noah. I'm going to return to the game, that's inevitable. And when I do, I want to have a secure alliance with you._

Noah (shrugging): _Fine with me. My whole team hates me, anyways_.

Alejandro: _*Gasp* Why? What have Trent and Courtney done? _

Noah: _It was nothing Courtney and Trent did. I was just stupid. I'm the reason Beth was voted off, in case you didn't know. _

Alejandro: _What? Really? Wow, I'm surprised. No wait. I get it! _

Noah: _You do?_

Alejandro: _Yes, I do. You voted off Beth because you already had an idea of our secret alliance, and you wanted to give me an easy opponent, as to further my chance of returning to the game! _

Noah: _Sure… let's go with that. _

Alejandro: _Okay, we have a plan. Let us stick with it, shall we? _

Noah: _Whatever. _(Alejandro nods enthusiastically, and the two break apart. Chris coughs, loosening his collar.)

Chris: Well, putting aside that awkwardly long hug, let's welcome our challenger! Our favorite bumble-brained boy-girl, Beth! (Noah is just sitting back down in his seat, when Beth races into the stadium.)

Beth: Ezekiel! Where's Ezekiel? (She stops, and looks around.) Well, where is he? Is he hiding?

Alejandro: Beth, I regret to inform you of this, but… Ezekiel did not show up.

Beth: WHAT?! Aw, come on! (She beckons to Noah.) You get your mortal enemy from Season 3 to show up for you, but I can't even get my boyfriend to grow some balls and come see for a second time?

Alejandro: I'm sure Ezekiel has the balls, Beth, it's just…

Beth: Just what?

Alejandro: Perhaps his balls are not interested in you.

Beth: That's ridiculous! He was salivating over me like you, Alejandro, would with a plate of carnitas tacos!

Alejandro: God, is everyone going to racially stereotype me today?

Noah: Well, you make it pretty easy, dude. (Meanwhile, Beth is yelling out at the trees surrounding the stadium.)

Beth: Ezekiel, if you're out there watching us like a creep from the treetops, which you probably are, we're _**DONE**_!

Chris: Whew. Thank god. Such a pointless couple, that was. (Beth and Alejandro now face him, and he grins at them in anticipation.) Alright, Beth and Alejandro, are you ready for your duel? Remember, the winner gets to stay in Redemption Cabin, while the loser is out for good. Pretty high stakes, huh?

Beth: I've never been MORE ready! I can't WAIT to return to the game, so I can rip Ezekiel's scrotum clean off and stitch it to his face!

Chris: That's… disturbingly graphic. Well, at least you're determined. This should make for an interesting duel! Now, as you can see underneath my poncho, I'm wearing a toga. Compliment me on my toga.

Alejandro: What-

Chris: COMPLIMENT ME ON MY TOGA!

Alejandro: Um, your toga is exquisite, Chris.

Chris: Aw, why thank you.

Beth: Um, yeah. Your toga is exquisite. (Chris frowns.)

Chris: It's better when Alejandro says it. Now, I am wearing this toga because today is the Wawanakwa Olympics. As you can well remember from Total Drama World Tour, Alejandro, we had quite a nice time with our Olympics in that season. Hmm… I'm blanking on what happened again…

Alejandro (glancing around nervously): Oh, that does not matter.

Noah: Actually, I'm pretty sure I remember. Alejandro, with his hair up in a weird-ass ponytail, got completely _**owned **_by Heather in the hurdles!

Alejandro: I wouldn't talk, Noah! You were already eliminated by then!

Chris: But it's true, Alejandro. That must've been pretty humiliating for you, wasn't it?

Alejandro: Yes, but luckily, I will never have to experience the painful memories again.

Chris: Oh really? (He beckons to one of the exits heading out of the Redemption Cabin Arena, where a long line of hurdles is leading out into the forest.)

Alejandro: You have got to be kidding me.

Chris: Kid you I do not. You know, you _should _have an advantage in these challenges we've been picking for the duels, because after all, they're all challenges you've previously competed in.

Alejandro: But this is the one I completely _failed _in! (Beth places a hand on his shoulder.)

Beth: Don't worry, Alejandro. I'm sure you won't look a _complete_ doofus this time.

Alejandro: No! I know I'm going to end up wiping out! It's sure to happen!

Chris: I don't know why you hate the hurdles so much. You'd think you'd be pretty good at hopping things.

Alejandro: Chris, I thought we said no more being racially insensitive!

Chris: Sorry. Slip of the tongue. Anyways, whether you like it or not, this challenge is going to happen! So, the two of you will be racing on a hurdle course all throughout the forest. You'll go in one big loop, and then enter the arena again. First person back is the winner, and lives to see another day. Loser becomes the second jury member, and is sent to the Playa de Losers. Now, let's head over to the starting line, and get started!

Noah: Yep, Chris, that's usually what starting lines are for.

Chris: Shut up.

**Confession Cam**

**Alejandro: Ah, the hurdles. One of the three most humiliating moments during my time on Total Drama. Last time, I got distracted by Heather's foxy charm. Luckily, Beth has no charm whatsoever, so that shouldn't be a problem. **

**Beth: This is going to be so fun! I'm really good at jumping. Just another one of those random and pointless talents the writers gave me in Total Drama Action in a fruitless attempt to give me some form of character. **

**Noah: So, Alejandro already wants to make an alliance. I still don't trust the guy. But I certainly feel like I need a backup plan, in case Courtney and Trent have found some way to officially turn my teammates against me. And man, my team is pissed. Saying all this crap like I "betrayed" them or something, and that they thought they could "trust" me. You know, I really don't get why everyone seems to think I'm some sort of perfect human being and that I have no flaws whatsoever. It's probably because of all those stupid Gary Stu Noah fics floating around the internet. Well, news flash for you all: that's not me! I don't "have a heart"! I don't "fight for my team"! I don't grow three testicles, use them to win every challenge, and then make passionate love to Bridgette in an abandoned candlelit library, all the while popping out clever one-liners like a pez dispenser! (He thinks for a second.) Although admittedly, that'd be pretty damn awesome. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Back at Camp**

Courtney: Okay, what is that, Gwen?

Gwen: What do you mean, "What is that"? I think it looks pretty obvious to me!

Courtney: I just don't think Chef is going to approve. (She beckons to Gwen's shrine, which is a clay sculpture of Chef being impaled by a wooden spear. Gwen is now applying red paint to the wound.)

Gwen: I actually think it is very representative of Chef. He's so deprived of emotion and purpose that the only way he can feel alive is through pain. That's why the only color I'm adding is red for the blood dripping from him, as his suffering is the only thing that can bring him to life.

Courtney (shrugging): Hey, being morbid worked for you during that Pilates workout. Maybe it will work for you again.

Gwen: Oh yeah, speaking of which, have you seen my journal anywhere? I think I might've left it in the bathroom one day, but it disappeared after that.

Courtney: Well, let's think. Who was talking about how much he hated your pictures?

Gwen: I doubt Noah would—

Courtney: That's what you think, Gwen! But I wouldn't be surprised if Noah stole your journal, published your most secret entry online, and then burned it to ashes!

Gwen: Okay, Noah made a mistake. But he's not a psychopath!

Courtney: No, he's not a psychopath. He's even more dangerous. He's cold and calculating. And come the merge, I have no doubt that if we haven't gotten rid of him by then, he'll be the end of all of us!

Gwen: So what are you suggesting?

Courtney: You need to help us vote off Noah, Gwen. Join up with me and Trent, just for this one vote.

Gwen: HA! (She bursts out laughing.)

Courtney: What?

Gwen (wiping a tear away from her eye): Okay, I may be angry at Noah, but I'm not going to go _that _low.

Courtney: Well, at least consider it. It's the least you could do.

Gwen: Okay. I'll consider it like I'd consider stabbing myself.

Courtney: Hmm… Well, that's the best assurance I guess I can get from a Goth person.

Gwen: Hardy har har. (Suddenly, she is hit in the head by a crumpled ball of paper.) Ow! (She looks up, and sees Trent ducking back behind the cabin.) I saw you, Trent!

Trent: No you didn't!

Gwen: Yes I did!

Trent: Just read the note, will you? (He sprints off. Gwen rolls her eyes, and bends over to pick the paper off the ground. She slowly opens it up.)

Courtney: What does it say?

Gwen: "Screaming Ivy Team: Come to the video room to learn the truth." (She crumples it back up.) That's nice. And by "nice", I mean "a useless and obscure message from a horrible person". (She tosses it in the trash.)

Courtney: Why'd you just do that?! That's an important note! We need to learn the truth!

Gwen: "_Learn the truth_"?! Learn the truth of _what_? (Izzy walks up next to them, covered in ranch dressing.)

Izzy: Perhaps Trent will show us his third testicle. (Gwen turns around in surprise.)

Gwen: Okay, were you listening to us this whole time? And what are you drenched in?

Izzy: Salad dressing!

Gwen: _Why_?

Izzy: You'll see. It's all part of my shrine. (She chuckles.) I hope Chef can swim.

Courtney: I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.

Izzy: Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go to that video room! (She races off, grabbing Lindsay along the way. Courtney turns to Gwen.)

Courtney: Well, let's go, then.

Gwen: But what about the challenge?

Courtney: Oh, come on. Nobody's taking this seriously.

Gwen: Well, what about him? (She points to Tyler, who is crouched on the dock. He is covered in bruises and scratches, as he jams candy cane after candy cane into what appears to be a huge ball of taffy, a maniacal look in his eyes.)

Tyler (mumbling to himself): DJ tried to stop you, Tyler… but he was no match for your dueling skills… now, you will achieve perfection… in the form of candy… MY PERFECT CANDY CREATION! MUAHAHAHAHAHA! (He raises a candy cane up to the sky, and a bolt of lightning strikes it.)

Gwen (watching as Tyler cackles madly): Okay… I see your point.

Courtney: C'mon, Gwen! Don't you want to learn the truth?

Gwen: I admit, I _am _intrigued. Fine, we'll go see what Trent wants to show us. But let me just add the finishing touch to my masterpiece. (Taking her finger, she draws an "L" into Chef's clay forehead.)

Courtney: Much better.

**Confession Cam**

**Izzy: I'm so excited! I wonder what we're getting to watch. A comedy, a horror film, perhaps a sex tape? Or maybe Trent is actually planning to kill us all, and he needs a secluded location to do it. Good choice, Trent. The video room is on the outer edge of camp… far away from Chris and Chef's trailer… plus, the walls are soundproof, so nobody would hear our screams… you know, I might use that sometime! That's a pretty stable murder spot you've got right there. **

**Courtney: Okay, even _I _don't know what Trent has planned. All I'm praying for is that he doesn't make a complete jackass of himself, like usual. **

**Gwen: Okay, Trent. Let's see what all the constant foreshadowing has been about. **

**Trent: Well, it's all in place. And it seems like the confessionals above me are pretty excited. The projector has been set up, and the ladies have been informed… now just to show them the video. Maybe I should give them popcorn in the shape of Noah's head to munch while they watch. I think it would really enhance the experience.**

**End of Confessionals**

**Outside of Chris and Chef's Trailer**

Ezekiel: The spy of the night creeps along, weary of his surroundings! One false move, and it could all be over for him. (Ezekiel is inching his way along the outside of the trailer, still wearing his spy mask. His eyes dart around nervously.) At any moment, he could be ambushed. (Suddenly, he hears the sound of singing wafting out of the window above him.)

Ezekiel: What is that hellish noise, eh? (He gets up on his tiptoes, and peers in through the window. Through a cloud of steam, he sees the outline of Chef in the bathtub. The cook is bellowing gospel music at the top of his longs, and singing into his sponge like a mic. Ezekiel ducks back down, shuddering.) The spy of the night will try to erase that image from his mind. It is unlikely he will be able to. (After regaining his composure, he continues to creep along, until he makes it to the back of the trailer. Growing behind in the back is a huge flower garden, with flowers ranging from blooming red roses to vibrant sunflowers. A sign in front of it reads "Chris and Chef's Garden of Love". Ezekiel tentatively walks over to the edge of where the garden begins.)

Ezekiel: And what might this be, eh? At first glance, it appears to be a systematically placed row of plant beds with a slightly homosexual title. But the spy of the night will proceed with caution. (He tiptoes past the sign, and enters the garden. As he walks, he glances to each side, watching the flowers with paranoia.)

Ezekiel: The spy of the night cannot help but get the feeling that he is being watched. But all appears to be normal… EXCEPT FOR YOU, THAT IS! (He whips around, and grabs a flower by its stem. He throttles it, rage in his eyes.)

Ezekiel: TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW, YOU MISERABLE, PATHETIC CLUSTERF*** OF PETALS! (The flower is silent.) So, you refuse to speak? Well, let me show you just how serious I am, eh! (He reaches out with his index finger and thumb, and plucks one of the petals off of the flower.) How does that feel?! Painful, right? Well, pain is no issue for me. I will continue to pluck, and pluck, until you have no more petals left! Surely a handsome flower like yourself wouldn't want to have all his big, thick petals removed, eh! He'd never get to spread his seed anywhere after that! So, you're going to tell me. WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?! (The flower continues to be silent.) **WHO**?! (Ezekiel strangles the flower, shaking it from side to side. Once he lets go, the flower droops off to the side, in the direction of deeper into the garden. Ezekiel looks that way. His eyes narrow.)

Ezekiel: Hmm. (He turns back to the flower.) You get off easy this time, eh. But remember me. When your flower friends come to ask you what happened, you simply tell them my name. But who am I? Why, I am terror itself, eh. I am the master of all horrors. I AM THE NIGHT OF THE SPY! Oh wait. Oops. (He bursts out laughing.) Ha! I said "the night of the spy", when I meant to say "the spy of the night"! Ha, that's a riot! (Chuckling, he walks onwards. As he treks deeper and deeper, he snaps back to focus.)

Ezekiel: The spy of the night can waste no more time, eh. (The greenery is now becoming much thicker, and Ezekiel has to squeeze his way past the plants. Finally, the flowers break, and there is a clearing. Ezekiel continues to move onward, seeing something in the distance. When he gets there, he slows down and stops. The homeschool stares forward in shock at what sits before him.)

Ezekiel: What… what is this? (He gets down on his knees, and yells at the heavens.) WHAT IS THHIIIIIIISSSS?!

**Video Room**

Trent: Welcome, ladies. I'm glad you came. (He stands at the front of the room, with a giant screen sitting behind him. Sitting in chairs before him are Gwen, Lindsay, Izzy, and Courtney. Cody stands off to the side, fiddling with controls.)

Gwen: Let's just get this over with.

Trent: Now now, we mustn't rush. First, let's dim the lights, Cody. (Cody dims the lights.) No, too much! (Cody brightens the room a little bit.) Too little! (Cody dims the lights.) Too much!

Courtney: Okay, Trent, I'm not trying to insult you or anything, but why do you care so much about the freaking lighting?

Trent: The lighting completely affects the atmosphere of the moment! The darker the lighting is, the more it gives off an aura of edgy, fierce sexuality. The brighter the room is, the more intimate the moment is made. For this lighting, I must find the perfect mix of both risqué and innocent, to fully enhance the experience.

Gwen: Wow, I've never seen someone go to these lengths just to announce they're coming out of the closet.

Trent (sarcastically): Haha. You're so funny, Gwen. I'll have you know that I don't even have a closet in my bedroom! I have a _**dresser**_!

Lindsay: What is this closet we're talking about? OMG, is it a walk-in closet? I LOVE those!

Trent: Please be quiet, Lindsay. In fact, do not speak again until this is over. Thank you. (Meanwhile, Cody has finished with the lighting.)

Cody: Is this good? (Trent gasps.)

Trent: It's PERFECT! The hue is _just _how I imagined it. So vibrant, yet so… mysterious. It gives off a vibe of elegancy and sophistication, yet playfulness, and childlike naivety. This lighting is simply _to_ _die for_. (He claps his hands in delight.)

Gwen: Yeah… are you sure you're not coming out of the closet? (Trent scowls.)

Trent: Let me explain to you, Gwen. There is a reason for this lighting. You see, today we're going to be doing a study of a man we all know well. But do we _really _know this man that well? That is what this lighting expresses. We naively assume this man is all we've observed of him, when, hidden deep beneath his surface, there are secrets of great power and evil.

Izzy: I knew it! I _knew _it was going to be a video of Michael Jackson!

Trent: What is with you and Michael Jackson, for god's sakes? And no, this is not a video of Michael Jackson. It's a video of Noah. (He pauses.) Cody, that's where you do the "dun dun dun" music!

Cody: Oops. (He presses a button, and dramatic music fills the room.)

Gwen: Okay, so what about Noah?

Trent: Well, let's see. What do we know about Noah? From the outside, he appears to be just a clever, quirky guy. With a great sense of humor too boot. I admit, some of his one-liners made me chuckle.

Izzy: Actually, I'm pretty sure they made you burst into tears and run off the Dock of Shame in a ball of sobbing and public humiliation!

Trent: True. And did you see Noah afterwards? No remorse whatsoever. Even when I could have drowned because of his hurtful words. (A single tear rolls down his face. He wipes it away before he continues.) Now, I know how popular those Gary Stu Noah fics have become on FanFiction. I read one recently that had quite the graphic scene between him and Bridgette in a candlelit library. A good read, but highly inaccurate. For one, Noah could never pleasure a girl in the way that he does in that fic. Secondly, he is portrayed as a generous, loving bookworm with a heart of gold. Um, last time I checked, Noah was nothing but a selfish, condescending geek!

Izzy: Um, I'd actually beg to differ. Noah _definitely _can pleasure a girl that way. (She stares off dreamily.)

Trent: Yeah, well you get pleasure from beheading people, so I don't think your opinion counts.

Courtney: Okay, so what does this all have to do with Noah?

Trent: Now you will see. Prepare yourselves, my friends, to see the truth. Hold onto the edge of your seats, because you're in for a ride. It's time for everything to change. (He presses a button on his remote, and the TV turns on.)

**How will Noah's teammates react when they learn the truth about his body cast? **

**What has Ezekiel the spy discovered growing in Chris and Chef's garden? **

**Why does Ezekiel think he is a spy, anyways? **

**Who will win the Redemption Cabin duel? **

**Who will Chef choose as the winner of his reward challenge? What about the sorry loser? **

**Will Tyler regain his glory? Okay, that's just a stupid question. **

**And what events will the campers partake in during our exciting Olympics episode?**

**See all that and more right here on the next shocking chapter of**

**Total Drama Returns! **

**NEXT TIME: **One camper's discovery of a secret about Chef leads him into a world of crime and violence he never could have anticipated. Meanwhile, the Olympics wear on, with one team, once again, attempting to throw the challenge. When the hell will they stop trying to throw challenges, for god's sakes?


	38. Day 12 Part 2: Greece's Greatest Gift

**Total Drama Returns**

The Cheesebub's Message: First of all, thanks for all the birthday wishes! They mean a lot! Anyways, obviously I was bit cocky when saying I'd have 4-5 updates by the end of January. However, you _do_ get this semi-quick update, plus another one before the month ends. HOPEFULLY… Anyways, I hope more of you will vote on the poll. Right now, the Screaming Ivies lead 7 to 2. Also, I was wondering if anyone could recommend a good Total Drama fanfiction to read right now. I've been looking for one that really grabs my attention, but haven't had any luck. Lately, it seems like there's only been an influx of a certain type of fic that will go unnamed, but really bothers me in concept, frankly. Thanks! Also, this chapter references Nyan Cat and YOLO. If you don't know what these things are, you're living under a rock. But you maybe should look them up before reading. On to the review responding:

**tdangie—**As my reviewer, I love you too. And I loved the birthday song, as well, even if it creeped me out a bit. Which it did. However, the way I see it, every second you're alive, you're one second closer to death. But nobody worries about that, so I shouldn't worry about it either. Thanks for the review!

**Guest—**Wow! When I first read this, I thought I must've gotten really high and started writing the next part of my story, before sending it to myself in a review. That was funny to read, and I enjoyed it! Maybe I can call that one of the unofficial "deleted scenes" of Total Drama Returns. Anyways, thanks for the review, if even if it wasn't really a review! ;P

**RedEyedWarrior—**Thanks for the birthday wishes! I don't think you're like Harold, because I knew that info too. Maybe we're both just nerds. Yes, Katie is a much better antagonist than Trent, at least when it comes to strategy. I agree that Big Bertha is like a non-human version of Noah. You know, the more I think about Alejandro, the more I wonder if the writers actually intended to have his last name mean "dead-ass". That'd just be weird if it were the case. Whatever. So you're rooting for Beth to beat Alejandro? You'll have to see. I agree with your points on Geoff and Bridgette; making out is what ruined their chances last time, so they need to make sure to keep it at a minimum. Although after this chapter, I think Geoff will be lucky to get any action at all. Was that a spoiler? Hm, I probably shouldn't have written that. Oh well. I hope Chef, Cody, DJ, and Lindsay will heed your advice. Yeah, Tyler is REALLY starting to come across as a douchebag. That wasn't what I was intending to have happen, but sometimes it just kind of… happens. Wow, my vocabulary is excellent. However, now I will have to try to find a way to bring the good Tyler back. Wish me luck. Thank you for the review!

**peacelovebackstroke—**Thank you for wishing me a Happy Birthday! Yeah, being a freshman sucks, dude. I can't really picture Noah doing it either, but it mostly just served as a way to get his team angry at him, before the big boom happens with the video. Yeah, Ezekiel and Beth just kind of came out of nowhere. I was writing the scene, and for some reason, it just felt right for them to randomly start making out. Thanks for the review!

**the house master—**Yes. That toilet paper has gone very bad. I agree, Chris should stop rhyming. So you think the next vote-off will be Cody? Interesting…

**xebla—**I'm happy you were surprised by Beth's elimination, as my goal is to surprise you as often as I can. Yeah, Katie's really getting evil, and trust me, it's only getting worse. That was a funny line, I'll admit. I still kind of chuckle when I see it. Thanks for the review!

**TDBigJ1213—**Let's hope you don't crap your pants laughing too often. That would be very unfortunate. Well, if you like long chapters, you'll love this one. Longest chapter of the season, right here. Thank you for the birthday wishes and review!

**crockolot—**That's awesome! Happy birthday to you too! Hope you liked the chapter!

**TotalDramaKingdomHearts—**I really don't think that chapter was at all beautiful or perfect, but thanks anyways! I'm so glad you liked Noah's move, I was hoping people would respect his plan. Noah is certainly up there in the strategy department, that's for sure. Noah could easily flip to the other team, but trust me: things are going to get crazy once the merge comes around. Five minutes in, and you're going to have forgotten that there were even teams in the first place. Alejandro could certainly pull an Ozzy, as he is both athletic and quick-witted, the perfect combination for Redemption Cabin. However, his carelessness could get the better of him. So you hope either Courtney or Ezekiel will go home, but you think it will be Gwen, Izzy, or DJ? Well, you've got a 5/13 chance of being right. I'm really happy you thought it was one of the stronger chapters of the season, because I wasn't too fond of it when I first published it. You ideal final 6 certainly sounds interesting. Thank you for the review!

**SHABAMZ—**I'm sorry I couldn't get this out in time for your birthday! Think of this chapter as a belated birthday present by six days. If you're Lightning in disguise, that would be very odd, but I wouldn't be surprised. Yep, look's like Noah is gearing up for a comeback, right? We'll have to see. Agreed, cereal FTW! I have to admit, that elimination order was pretty good. I feel like if I didn't already have my own elimination order planned out, that would be a very good one to go by. Thanks for the review!

**THE-BANNED-AUTHOR—**Heh, seems like my chapters are getting so long that character lists are the only way for people to review all the content now! Sorry if it's causing you extra trouble and keeping you away from your homework. Yeah, Alejandro is getting pretty unfortunate when it comes to the molestation department. I agree, Beth doesn't get enough street cred. Why did I just try to be gangster? Anyways, yes, I might just be pulling names out of hat and pairing them together at this point, who knows? Chris and Chef are both getting weirder and weirder, aren't they? I'm going to try to tone that down a little, because it's starting to impede with the flow of the story. However, that does not happen this chapter. Beware: This is a MAJOR Chef chapter. I like all the advice people have been giving to Cody, even if he probably won't listen. What he needs is a reality check, and he just might get that this chapter. I agree, Gwen should forgive Noah, and Izzy should get back together with him. We'll have to see how long villain Katie lasts. Wow, so everyone still loves Noah! This has really been an eye-opening experience for me. While I am a Noah fan, the dedication some people have been showing to him really proves why he should be back for Season 5. Thanks for the review!

**ChuckieFinster64—**It's back, my friend! The story is back! Well, that sounded conceited. Anyways, I'm happy you finally reviewed, but I'm also fine with you just lurking and reading, too. Just as long as you're enjoying the story. You might be the first person who's told me that they really like the Tyler/DJ conflict. It seems like the preferences for who wins the duel have been pretty even, so this should be interesting. Let's see what happens! Thank you for the review!

**TotalDramaWreck—**I liked how the dissing battle between Trent and Noah turned out. I thought it was funny, yet really tragic at the same time. Beth could definitely have a good comeback story, but Alejandro could as well. Either way, it should be interesting! This is a Tyler episode, certainly, although not so much in this chapter. Yes, if the world were perfect, DJ would outlast Tyler, but who knows? Our brickhouse is on the chopping block right now. Yeah, Ezekiel could end up being Katie's downfall. Marijuana, you say? A very plausible guess. Very plausible indeed… Katie, DJ, Noah, Lindsay, and Gwen as your final 5? That wouldn't be half-bad! Interesting indeed! I seriously doubt I'll become a legend, but whatever. Thanks anyways. And thank you for the review!

**Guest—**Don't worry, they make out somewhere in chapter 12, I believe. Thanks for the review!

**ChloroFax—**I'm happy I could make your week. Yes, I really think the game is reaching a whole new level of drama and strain. I would probably be sobbing and begging to go home by now, if I were playing. But yeah, things could definitely get shaken up at the merge. So you're happy with either Beth or Alejandro? That makes it so much easier for me! Thanks for that! Bridgette is certainly the silent hero, as she's the only one that truly dislikes Katie. She just has to hope Katie doesn't find out about her plan. Cody's about as pawnlike as you can get, although he may just be the one to make a shocking big move when you least expect it. Yes, Courtney is polarizing. She probably won't patch things up with Gwen until either one of them is eliminated, however. Yeah, you can't help but feel bad for DJ. He's a nice guy, but he just doesn't stick up for himself. Both Geoff and DJ seem like plausible early merge targets. I'm so happy that everyone's loving Ezekiel now! And Izzy also helps this story, too. They're just so easy to write for. Gwen definitely needs to be less rude to her alliance members. And will she be the one who changes Trent back? Who knows? Katie's transition is certainly intriguing, and you're going to see a whole new side to her character coming soon. So everyone thinks Noah is the best player, it seems. I may have to make another poll on who is the best strategist again to see if I'm correct in this assumption. Yeah, Trent is not that great of a villain. However, I never intended to have him be the strategic sort. Instead, his whole role as antagonist is to intimidate and bully Gwen and Noah, two of the story's anti-heroes. Tyler is starting to go too far, that's true. I'm going to tell you now, the climax of the Tyler-DJ conflict is set to happen this chapter. Thank you for the very long review!

**zafnak—**Ha, I guess it was kind of a Groucho moment, wasn't it? Thanks for the review!

**MaximumC—**That's great that you think this is the best Total Drama fic! I disagree thoroughly, although I appreciate the compliment. Yeah, the more I think about it, the more I think Duncan should've stayed longer. Can't change the past, however. Thanks for the review!

**monkeylove123—**Glad you liked the CPR scene. And yeah, I'm even wondering what Ezekiel found in Chris and Chef's garden. Let's find out, shall we? Thank you for the review!

**NerdyBarista—**Wow, that sounds like pretty strenuous work, just for a review. I hope it isn't causing you too much trouble! I think when the animators were designing Chris, they were trying to make him look like Jeff Probst, the host of Survivor. However, I still feel like they look nothing alike. I agree, the others need to get over the fact that they were played, and remember that Trent and Courtney are still on their team. Really, this should make them even more passionate to get rid of them. Big Bertha's gonna be major this chapter, so look forward to that. The Bridgette-Katie conflict is going to really get heated this chapter, and Geoff's going to be caught right in the middle of the crossfire. Yes, it seems like Alejandro's plan didn't work… or did it? DUN DUN DUN. Trent gives horrible advice, doesn't he? I agree, Chef just enjoys torturing the teens. We'll see if DJ and Tyler resolve… but yeah, it's looking hopeless for Cody. Gwen's a little smarter than to just team up with her mortal enemies. Thanks for the review!

**jayne'zstar—**Not a bad idea! I'll consider it! Thanks for the review!

**Total Drama Fan—**Glad you like the way I write Zeke! I'll try to show some more of the eliminated players, I'm still just trying to come up with a plotline for Playa de Losers. I can't guarantee a final 8 appearance for Tyler, but I can't really guarantee anything without spoiling the story, so I'll leave it at anything's possible. I will try to cut down on Chris's pervertedness as much as I can without messing up the pace of the story. I admit, it's starting to get old, and I don't want to have to change this story to M, because I'm not even close to being mature! That idea for Ezekiel would be really funny! I like it! I'm glad you plan to start reviewing now, because the more reviews the merrier! Thank you for the review!

**Day 12 Part 2—Chapter 37: Greece's Greatest Gift**

**Video Room**

(The Noah video has just ended, and the lights have turned back on. The whole audience is silent. Trent steps forward out of the darkness, grinning evilly.)

Trent: So, what did you ladies think?

Lindsay: Wow. (She is silent for another moment, before she bursts into tears, clapping wildly.) That was _totally_ incredible! That should've gotten, like, an academy award!

Trent: Really? You liked it that much? (He looks over at Lindsay, who is turned around in her chair, facing the wall.) Wait a minute. Were you even watching the video? (Lindsay turns around.)

Lindsay: What? The video was over there? Oh! Well, you guys should've been watching what I was watching over here. It was great!

Courtney: You were staring at a wall, Lindsay.

Lindsay: Yes, but an _academy award _worthy wall!

Trent: Well, you should've been paying attention to the video, because you missed quite the "Show'ah". (He chuckles.) Get it? Because it was a show, and it was about Noah, and… (He loosens his collar as nobody laughs.) Um… Erm… Derm… Izzy! What do you think of your boyfriend now? What did you take away from all this?

Izzy: I took away the fact that you're horrible at puns.

Trent: My puns are great! How dare you insult my puns! C'mon, none of you loathe Noah now that you know the truth about his injury? How about you, Gwen? You've been pretty silent over there. (Gwen glances up at him.)

Gwen: I'm still just trying to process the information, okay?

Trent: Finally! Someone using their brain! Here, I'll help you process the information a little bit easier. Here's the simple way to put it; Noah does not care about the team in any way whatsoever. He was simply using his fake injury for personal gain, so he wouldn't have to compete in challenges! Plus, when we lost almost every challenge due to his hindering the team, nobody would ever vote for him out of sympathy for him! Who knows what key team members we might still have right now if we had won those challenges early on. We might still have the competitive spirit of Eva…

Courtney: That's true. We'd probably be a lot stronger as a whole if we had her right now.

Gwen: Oh, don't give me any of that bullsh**. You two were the sole reason for Eva's demise!

Trent: Were we? Oh wait, we were. Oops. Forgot about that. But Eva wasn't the only person we lost thanks to Noah's injury. Another example: thanks to Noah, our team can no longer enjoy the selfless and loving heart of Justin…

Izzy: Ha! That's a good one.

Trent: Justin was a very compassionate man! But don't you see what I'm trying to get at? Noah damaged our team's structure significantly during those early episodes!

Gwen: True. But why should we care about something that was happening nine episodes ago?

Trent: **NINE**! (He quickly clamps a hand over his own mouth.) Oops. Sorry. That was an involuntary reaction, I swear. And I'll explain to you, _Gwendolyn_. (He looks over at Cody.) Cody, this is where you start playing the suspenseful music.

Cody: I don't have any suspenseful music to play!

Trent: Just choose something! (Cody shrugs.)

Cody: If you insist. (He presses a button, and his computer starts playing "Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepsen. Trent grins evilly.)

Trent: Perfect. This is the perfect suspenseful music. Now, Gwen, you may think that what Noah did may not apply to right now, considering we're only one episode away from the merge. After all, why should we care about team unity, when we're so close to being dispersed? Well, I'll tell you why. The reason is… (Suddenly, he hears the chorus, and breaks out into song.) HEY, I JUST MET YOU! AND THIS IS CRAZY! SO HERE'S MY NUMBER! AND CALL ME MAYBE! (Trent blushes red in embarrassment, and then starts yelling at Cody over the music.) Cody, shut it off! The song is so damn catchy, I can't help singing along! (Cody turns off the music. Trent sighs in relief.)

Trent: Whew. It's strange, what Canadian pop songs do to me. Anyways, back to the point. If Noah was so willing to hurt our team for his own personal gain, who's to say he won't go behind our backs and betray all of us once the merge comes around?

Izzy: I hope Noah goes behind _my_ back! He's great at giving back massages. But I'm sure you're well acquainted with that, Trent.

Trent: It's a figure of speech! Anyways, you have to admit that Noah is dangerous, Gwen.

Gwen: Okay, he is. It's true.

Trent: Of course it's true! Noah will lie to anyone and everyone, if he deems necessary! And my belief from the beginning has always been that you should play with integrity. And I've held true to that in my game. (Everyone, including Courtney, bursts out laughing at this.) What?

Courtney: Sorry, Trent, but that's a load of steaming crap.

Trent: Whatever! At least when _I _lie, most of the time it doesn't work! But Noah is the best liar in the game. Frankly, this all proves that we can't have Noah around by the time the merge rolls around.

Gwen: So what are you suggesting?

Trent: We must throw the challenge today. This is our last chance to rid ourselves of Noah.

Gwen: You've got to be kidding me.

Trent: What's the problem?

Gwen: Throw the challenge?! _Again_?! Have you not been paying attention to what happens when you throw a challenge? It's called karma! Almost every time somebody throws a challenge, _they're _the one that gets voted off!

Trent: But this time, we're all united as one. With the power of friendship, anything can be achieved.

Gwen: Stop. You sound like you drank a shot of Katie and Sadie. (She shakes her head.) I may be extremely pissed off at Noah, but I'm not throwing a challenge. But if we _do _lose, I'll agree to vote for the guy.

Trent: That's good enough for me. Now, if Gwen will not help me throw the challenge, who will?

Courtney (shrugging): Hey, I'm the one person that's actually gotten the result they wanted when they threw the challenge. I'm all for it.

Trent: Great! Anyone else? (Cody comes up next to Trent, and places a hand on the guitarist's shoulder.)

Cody: Trent, I will stand by your side through thick and thin. My heart will not rest until Noah has paid for his actions with his own beating heart.

Trent: Um… great. Since when were you so passionate about this?

Cody: You don't understand, man. I was in a body cast for nine months. Nine frickin' months!

Trent: **NINE**! (He clamps his hand over his mouth again.) Sorry. It just slips out sometimes.

Cody: No, dude, I understand. Anyways, that body cast was the most painful experience of my life. I couldn't do basic day-to-day activities! I had to be spoon-fed by Izzy, wheeled around by Beth, and bathed by _Ezekiel_. (He shudders.) That was traumatizing. And you know what the worst of it all was? I couldn't even masturbate, man. Do you realize how much pent-up sexual energy I had raging inside of me? And I couldn't even let it all out!

Courtney: That was an unnecessary description.

Cody: I'm just telling you how I felt. I hated my life. I thought it would never end. And now, Noah has taken my biggest hardship, and flaunted it for his own selfish desires! So we must make him pay.

Trent: Wow. What an emotional story. It's bringing tears to my eyes. See? This is the kind of trauma that Noah has caused. I, personally, can no longer stand for this injustice. Lindsay, what about you? Will you help me? (Lindsay keeps on staring at the wall.) You can answer as soon as you're done with your movie. Finally, Izzy. What will you do?

Izzy: Are you kidding me? Why would I want Noah to go? Without him, who would provide all the sarcastic humor for the show?

Trent: Why me, of course!

Everyone: **NO. **

Trent: That's quite mean, guys. You know what, Izzy? I just think you need some… _convincing_. The rest of you may leave. I need some private time with Izzy for a moment.

Izzy: YAY! He's going to torture and rape me!

Trent: What? No! Why would I do that?

Izzy: It'd probably convince me.

Trent: No, I have a different procedure. (He looks over at the rest of them.) Why are you still here? Out! And remember: Noah is the enemy.

Cody, Courtney, and Lindsay (repeating in a chant): Noah is the enemy. Noah is the enemy. (They troop out, repeating that to themselves. Gwen stares at them, before turning to Trent.)

Gwen: Congratulations, Trent. You've created your own Hitler youth.

Trent: Heil Trenton. (He grins maliciously at her, and salutes the Goth. Gwen just shakes her head and walks out of the video room, slamming the door behind her. Trent then turns to Izzy. He sits down in a chair next to her.)

Trent: I know this is a personal subject for you, so I want this to be intimate.

Izzy: OK! (She starts taking off her clothes.)

Trent: No! STOP! We're not getting naked for this! (Izzy pauses while pulling down her pants, then keeps going.)

Izzy: I'm getting naked anyways.

Trent: No! NO! Wait, stop! PLEASE! (He thinks for a second.) If you continue undressing, you will never know the truth about Mr. Fan! (Izzy stops.)

Izzy: Mr. Fan?

Trent: Yes, Mr. Fan. (Izzy slowly pulls her clothes back on, and Trent continues.) Yes. Now you're interested. I have to say, as an observer, I may be the biggest IzzyxMr. Fan shipper there is. But you know what? I once doubted your friendship with him. I know, shocking. I thought you were just a schizophrenic talking to inanimate objects. While I still think that you have quite a few mental ailments that should seriously be checked up on, and that some time in solitary confinement would do you well, I believe that the connection you and Mr. Fan share is something more real than anything I've ever seen between two humans. Mr. Fan is just like the rest of us. He has a brain thirsting for discovery. He has a heart yearning for love.

Izzy: Plus, he has a really big co—

Trent: Yes… yes he does. We don't need to go into that detail. Now, he's been gone for quite a while, hasn't he? (Izzy nods sadly, and Trent nods back.) That's what I thought. (He slowly taps his fingers across his thighs, and glances down at the floor.) Now, there's no easy way to say this, but…

Izzy (her eyes brimming with tears): Just say it.

Trent: Okay. Mr. Fan is no longer with us. (Izzy stares at him, her eyes blank.) Yes, let that all sink in. And while we're at it, the murderer. I think you can guess. (He sighs.) Noah's jealousy simply got the better of him. (Izzy continues to stare off into space, with an empty expression.)

Trent: So… what are you thinking about? I'm sure you're depressed. And certainly enraged. But there are ways to deal with this anger, you know. You can try some meditation. Or you can count to ten, and let out your breath. Or best of all, you can help us get rid of Noah. (Suddenly, Izzy takes out a grenade.)

Izzy: Or I can set off this grenade.

Trent: No, wait—(Izzy pulls the plug.)

**Confession Cam**

**Trent (scorched and burned): Well, I got exactly the reaction I wanted out of Izzy, aside from the part where she blew me up. But she's pissed, which is exactly what I want. Noah, I have some advice for you… you might want to watch out when you sit down on the toilet. You may find a nasty surprise. **

**Tyler: Time to do some confessing! BOOYAH! (He sits down on the toilet, and then screams as he is sucked down the toilet butt-first, disappearing like it is a black hole. Izzy then walks in, grinning.) **

**Izzy: Gotcha, you jerk! How do you like that, Noah? (She thinks for a moment.) Oh wait. That was Tyler. Man, I always forget who Tyler is! **

**(Static)**

**Courtney: Impressive, Trent. Very impressive. Admittedly, I was a little worried there for a while about you, but you were able to pull yourself together, and I think the team is ready to help us with our plan. Very good work. (She is silent for a minute.) My, that was a really boring confessional. **

**(Static)**

**Cody: Wow. I don't know what came over me there in the video room. I just get passionate about my beliefs sometimes! Especially when I'm angry. And I was pretty angry about my body cast woes. That body cast completely ruined my chance for the money in Season one! It got me out in episode nine, for gods' sakes! (Trent sticks his head through the window.)**

**Trent: NINE!**

**Cody: Um, yes. Nine. Anyways, aside from the fact that I'm offended by Noah's faking of his injury, I also just don't believe in guys who don't play by the rules. (He pauses.) Okay, that's gotta sound pretty hypocritical coming from a guy who didn't sing for nine episodes straight in a competition all about singing. (Trent sticks his head through the window of the bathroom again.)**

**Trent: NINE! **

**Cody: Dude, seriously! You're starting to scare me! Anyways, you can't blame me for not singing. Peter Oldring was very self-conscious about his singing voice. (Trent sticks his head through the bathroom window again.)**

**Trent: NINE!**

**Cody: I DIDN'T EVEN SAY THE NUMBER! **

**(Static)**

**Gwen: Congrats, Noah. You get to be the most hated person in the game right now. Hey, I had to be that person for almost all of season three. It's time you experienced it for little bit. Enjoy! **

**(Static)**

**Tyler: Uggh! (He pulls himself out of the toilet, soaking wet.) No more confessing for me. **

**End of Confessionals **

**Redemption Arena**

Chris: Welcome to the starting line, my Olympic Warriors. (Alejandro and Beth are now standing by the starting line for the hurdles, leading out of the arena and into the forest. Alejandro crosses his arms and shakes his head.)

Alejandro: I find it really unnecessary for you to welcome us, Chris. After all, I'm pretty sure we're already well acquainted with the starting line. Hm… (He taps his chin sarcastically.) I wonder why? Oh, that's right! I know! (He scowls.) It's probably because of the fact that we've been standing at it for the past _month_!

Chris: Hey, don't blame me! Sometimes updates for this story take a long time! The Cheesebub has a busy schedule! (He shrugs.) But hey; at least we got to enjoy each other's company while we waited, right? I mean, I feel so much closer to all three of you. Especially Noah. I feel like I've really gotten to see a whole new layer to him. (He beckons to Noah, who is sitting in the stands, reading his book.)

Beth: How? All Noah has done is sit there reading!

Chris: Yes, but by watching him read, you can learn so much. (He beckons to Noah, who still doesn't glance up from his book.) Observe his eyes. Watch as they flit across the pages of the book with the captivated enthrallment of the intelligent youth. Look at the way he cradles the novel. He grips the spine with a tender yet steady touch, like one would hold a newborn baby, or a cherished family object. When he turns the pages, he gently takes the top right-hand corner of the page by his index finger and thumb, before quietly flipping it over, smoothly yet efficiently. This shows how he bestows the utmost care upon his favorite reading material when he is using it for his enjoyment. And look at the smug expression creeping across his face! The way he grins at that book of his, you'd think they are sharing some sort of lustful, provocative secret between one another. Noah and his book, they are more than just man and object. They are one soul. One beating heart. One passion for learning. It is a beautiful sight to behold. That's what I've learned about Noah. (The arena is silent for a long time. Finally, Noah speaks up.)

Noah: Well, it's been an educational experience for all of us. Personally? I didn't know it was possible to feel sexually violated by words, Chris. But you've proven me wrong just now.

Chris: See? We all learned something! Hooray! (He claps his hands in delight.)

Noah: It's a good thing we're learning _something_. You do realize you've kept us out of school for the past four years, right? Really, you should have been arrested long ago.

Chris: Oh, that's doesn't matter. It's a cartoon; you guys don't age! You'll just stay sixteen forever!

Alejandro (standing tall, his chin jutting out with pride): Not the Alejandro. Alejandro will grow into a well-rounded, passionate young man! That's what _mi madre _tells me every night, before she tucks me into my tortilla.

Chris: Um… okay then. Great to know. And by "great to know", I mean "something I really didn't ever care to learn of". Anyways, let's get on with that duel of ours! So, you guys know the rules. As you sprint the hurdles, no impeding at all on the other person's course. That's right, no physical contact is allowed. I know what you cheaters may be planning. (He glares at Noah as he says this. The bookworm glances up from his book, puzzled.)

Noah: Um, why are you glaring at me? I have nothing to do with this!

Chris: Sorry. I just felt like glaring at someone. Am I sexy when I'm glaring?

Noah: I will never answer that question.

Chris: You just don't want to admit it, do you? Now, speaking of which, before we begin, any final questions? (Beth raises her hand, and Chris points at her.) Beth! Thank you for raising your hand. I like it when people raise their hand. Raising your hand shows great respect and admiration for the speaker.

Beth: Oh. Well, if that's the case… (She puts down her hand. Chris scowls.)

Chris: I'm going to ignore that. Okay, what's your question?

Beth: Exactly how long is this course? 400 meters? 1200 meters?

Chris: All I know is that when we had two interns run it, they came back with legs that had been whittled down to two bloody, mangled stumps oozing lactic acid. They then collapsed on the ground, convulsing in their own vomit, as they both died of heart attacks. (Noticing Alejandro and Beth's terrified expressions, he quickly backtracks.) But don't worry! You guys are in much better shape than they were.

Alejandro: And who were these interns, might I ask?

Chris: Oh, just some random losers named Kevin Young and Yuliya Pechonkina. (Alejandro stares at him.)

Alejandro: Chris… those two are _Olympic athletes_! They are in prime physical condition! In fact, they have set the _world record_ for men's and women's hurdles, respectively! And you seriously say we're in better shape than they were?

Chris: Hey, world records aren't everything.

Alejandro: Um, yes, Chris, they are!

Chris: Whatever. But you two are going to compete in this duel, whether we have to amputate your legs afterwards or not. (Alejandro stamps his leg down on the ground in defiance.)

Alejandro: No! My legs are two of the most succulent hunks of _barbacoa _I've ever had the pleasure of chewing on! I refuse to lose them! (Beth takes Alejandro's hand.)

Beth: Your legs _are _delicious, I'll admit. But you can't let that hold you back, Alejandro! You have to face your fears! C'mon, we'll make it through together. With friendship. (Alejandro stares down at her hand as it clutches his. Slowly, his eyes grow wide.)

Alejandro: The… the power… the power of friendship… IT HAS GIVEN ME STRENGTH! LET US FIGHT FOR OUR FRIENDSHIP! **YES! **(Quickly, he ties his hair into a ponytail.)

Chris: No! No ponytails! (Alejandro ignores him. The Latino inspects his body, and flexes it. He smiles.)

Alejandro: This power flowing through me… I have never felt it before. It feels incredible! (Beth places a hand on his shoulder.)

Beth: It's the power of friendship.

Alejandro: Yes… yes it is. (He nods at Chris.) Chris, I am ready to compete. Beth has shown me a new truth. The truth that appears only when friends come together, put aside their differences, and help each other through the difficult times. So, shall we begin the race? I cannot wait to begin!

Chris (looking confused): Um… sure. (Alejandro and Beth take each other's hands and skip over to the first of the hurdles, right in the exit out of the arena. The two then drop hands, and stare at one another.)

Beth: Alejandro, let's promise that whoever wins, we remain friends. Okay?

Alejandro: Beth, it's like you read my mysterious Spanish mind. Together, we will push past all obstacles! (He nods with enthusiasm. The two then get in a starting position.)

Chris: Well, this has all been corny as *********, but it's still a duel, and only one of you can win. The moment you step over that starting line, you're no longer friends. You are enemies ready to crush your opponent into the ground of Olympiad failures. So, prepare to go all out, because the stakes are high! Man, I'd really like to get high right now… When will the frickin' plant finish growing, goddamit? Chef said it's be ready by now… (He glances over at the campers.) Um… I'm talking about my, uh… my potato plant!

Noah: Sure you are.

Chris: I am! Who doesn't love a good potato? (Ezekiel suddenly appears next to him, and grins.)

Ezekiel: Potatoes, eh! (He disappears.)

Chris: Yeah! Listen to the teleporting Ezekiel! Anyways, we have no more time to dilly dally. Let's start that duel of ours!

Alejandro: Maybe we could have some time to stretch first, perhaps? My body does not perform quite to the best of its ability unless I have fully warmed up.

Chris: And _my_ body doesn't perform to the best of its ability unless I'm high! Seems like we'll both go unsatisfied, huh? Now, get in your ready positions! On my whistle! One… two… and… GO! (As Beth runs forward and jumps over the first hurdle, Alejandro raises his pointer finger to the sky.)

Alejandro: WITH THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP, I CAN ACHIEVE ANYTHING! **I BELIEVE**! (He claps his hands, and mariachi music fills the air. With a screech of ecstacy, he skyrockets into the forest, a colorful rainbow trailing behind him.)

**Confession Cam**

**Alejandro: Okay, so I acted like a moron. It was simply in the heat of the moment, and I got a little excited. But I am not embarrassed! This is no big deal! (He swallows deeply.) How do I disfigure my own face so nobody will ever recognize me on the streets? **

**End of Confessionals**

(Chris watches as Alejandro and Beth disappear into the forest, with a rainbow still spilling out from behind Alejandro as he zooms away. The host then turns to Noah in the stands.)

Chris: …Did any of the past five minutes make any sense to you?

Noah (sarcastically): What do you mean? What was there not to understand? The power of friendship is pretty powerful, Chris. As demonstrated by Alejandro, it can make a supposedly heterosexual male turn into a human Nyan cat.

Chris (shrugging): Yeah, I guess it makes sense. I admit, sometimes when I'm with Chef, I also feel like turning into a Poptart-cloaked feline and blasting off into the night sky, shitting out rainbows. (He pauses, and there is an awkward silence. Noah coughs.)

Noah: So, um… what are we going to do while we're waiting for Alejandro and Beth to get back?

Chris: Oooo! I know! We can talk about your new, spiced-up love life!

Noah: Oh boy.

Chris: So, did our Mr. Fan plan work? Is Izzy all over you now?

Noah: Chris, that was possibly the worst plan you've ever come up with! I can't believe I actually agreed to it. Izzy's sure to find out, and then, to put it scientifically, I'm E equals MC** screwed**!

Chris: Oh, don't worry, Noah. She'll never find out. Our little secret's safe forever. (He pauses, and suddenly, he looks extremely worried.) Oh my.

Noah: What?

Chris: Hmm… well, when I said "forever", I actually meant until our pal Trent tells Izzy the truth, along with him showing your fake injury video to your entire team. Which, I'm afraid, he just did moments ago in the video room. (Noah gasps.)

Noah: Are you serious?! How do you know?! Explain your reasoning for this assumption!

Chris: I have a vibrator in my pants.

Noah: How is _that_ an explanation?!

Chris: Sorry, that came out wrong. You see, what I meant to say is that I have a vibrating alerter in my pocket, that goes off whenever someone breaks into the video room.

Noah: Um… how often does this happen?

Chris: Oh, quite a bit, actually. But it's mostly just Chef. He likes to watch Alejandro's confessionals, and then write literary analyses on them.

Noah: Why?

Chris: I don't know. I seriously don't know. And frankly, I hope I never find out.

Noah: So how do you know this was Trent?

Chris: Well, the vibrator goes off every time someone walks through the doorway to the video room. This time, it went off six times.

Noah: What does that have to do… (Suddenly, he understands.) I have six teammates, don't I?

Chris: Nice math, bro! High-five! (He reaches forward for a high-five, but Noah just puts his head in his hands. Chris shrugs.) Listen, I'm sorry, man. I know this must suck. (Noah moans.)

Noah: I can't go back there! They're going to devour me alive!

Chris: Well, if it's any consolation, I'm rooting for you, Noah. You see, Chef and I have a little bet going on right now. He says that Trent's gonna outlast you by a long shot. I'm saying that you'll be the one who's around in the end. You gotta prove me right, my man!

Noah: How?

Chris: Yeah, about that… I have no clue. Right now, it would appear you're f**ked. But I still believe in you!

Noah (sarcastically): Thanks. I'm so motivated now. (He shuts his book, and starts to think.)

**Confession Cam**

**Noah: Nicely done, Trent, nicely done. For once, you made a move in this game that didn't make me want to laugh with sad pity for the disgusting life that you live. It was all timed perfectly, too. First, my team is already reeling from my little stunt at the Campfire Ceremony. Then, you show them a video that would explain our losing streak near the beginning of the season, painting me as the reason for all our failures due to my own selfishness. Then, you take away my only ally by making my girlfriend hate me. It's all snowballed into a giant mess, and it's heading right towards me. So, how do I counter a move like that? (He pauses, thinking for along time. Then he sighs.) …Maybe a few one-liners? **

**End of Confessionals**

**Back at Camp**

Geoff: And… there! Done! What do you think of my cereal masterpiece, Katie? (Katie is sitting on a stump, staring at the ground. She looks up at Geoff's cereal sculpture. Immediately, she frowns.)

Katie: This better be a joke, Geoff. A stupid, stupid joke.

Geoff: No joke, babe. What's wrong?

Katie: Geoff, this is a challenge in which you're supposed to make a shrine dedicated to Chef.

Geoff: Mm hm? Your point?

Katie: You just sculpted yourself!

Geoff: I did? (He glances at the sculpture, and eyes it. It is, indeed, a sculpture of himself.) Hmm. I guess I did. Ha! What an adorable coincidence!

Katie: Well, I guess you'll have to re-sculpt it, then.

Geoff: Are you kidding me? I can't do that! This statue is a masterpiece! I mean, look at me! (He points to the cereal statue of himself.) I'm beautiful! And delicious, might I add. As well as nutritious. Did I mention beautiful? (He beckons to his statue's chin.) And look! I sculpted my chin exactly right! The accuracy is simply impeccable. I can't believe I was able to completely capture the extravagance and lushness of my shapely jaw, while not so much as to offset the glory of my other chiseled, handsome facial features.

Katie: Your head is shaped like a wrinkled banana, Geoff. It is not God's gift to earth.

Geoff: That's really hurtful, babe. And what are you working on? It seems like you've just been sitting over there hating on me and my artistic vision! It doesn't seem like _you've _made any progress on _your _shrine.

Katie: That doesn't matter! I'll be fine. We need to worry about you, though. Our team can't have you be losing this reward challenge. You understand the consequence, right? Spending an entire morning worshipping Chef will leave you completely drained for the immunity challenge. And we _cannot _lose the immunity challenge.

Geoff: Why are you so obsessed with this particular immunity challenge? I don't get it! If we lose, we just get rid of Tyler or Zeke!

Katie: It's not just about that, Geoff! Here, I'll put it into mathematical terms for you. Tell me: Do you know what "numbers" are?

Geoff: Of course I know what numbers are! What do I look like to you, a pothead or something?

Katie: Yes. Yes you do. Anyways, I'm going to explain our team's situation through numbers to you. Right now, at this point in the game, there are six of us, and seven of them.

Geoff: Who's "them"? Like, extraterrestrial beings, or something? You know, speaking of which, I hate aliens! They're so weird, man. And all creepy and such, know what I'm saying? Sometimes, I feel like aliens could be out to get me, dude. But you know what? I think that if we learn to be the aliens' friends, we can find, like, eternal peace. And not just with the aliens. With ourselves, too! (Katie stares at him.)

Katie: You know, for someone who claims they're not a pothead, you are very good at sounding stoned out of your mind. I'm talking about the other team! If we lose the immunity challenge, we will have just five members going into the merge. They will have seven. Seven is greater than five. Right, Geoff? (She nods at him like one would nod at a five-year-old. Geoff thinks for a moment, before speaking.)

Geoff: The way I see it, I think it's really your choice. You can change the world to make it the way you want it to be. If you want to, and you really believe, you can make five greater than seven!

Katie: No, Geoff. You cannot make math change. Seven is always greater than five. And I can promise you that the Screaming Ivy will realize this. They'll take us out one-by-one once the merge comes around. There will be nothing we can do about it. But, if we win this challenge, we'll go into the merge at an even six apiece. It'll be an even game, then. Ezekiel will then inform me of all the information he's been gathering about the Screaming Ivy, about their weaknesses, about their cracks. I can use these cracks to tear apart the Screaming Ivy from the inside out, and along the way, betray all of my own teammates as well, starting with your best friend DJ, quickly followed by your girlfriend Bridgette. (She quickly clamps a hand over her own mouth.) Um, I mean, forget that last part! You didn't hear that. Anyways, what I'm trying to say is, if we lose the immunity challenge today, we might as well kiss our chances at the money goodbye. This is our chance to seize the moment, Geoff! To take our fate into our own hands! Do you understand?

Geoff: Mmm… (Katie glances over at him, and sees him making out with the cereal statue of himself. He pulls away, his lips coated in Rice Krispies, and whispers in his statue's ear.) Wow, me! You're great at kissing! I think I just felt a Snap, Crackle, and Pop, if you know what I mean. (He winks at himself, before taking a bite out of the statue's face. Katie groans, and walks away.)

**Confession Cam**

**Katie: In that moment, I started to get really scared for my future in this game. I felt like my team could very well be crumbling before my eyes, and I wondered if there was any way we could somehow not lose the upcoming immunity challenge. So I told myself, just calm down, Katie. Take a look at your team. Try to find something positive. Then take that positive thing, and use it to win. After all, there has to be some sort of strength my team has. I just have to look for it! **

**Geoff (holding cereal Geoff next to him, who is now missing his head): I think I've found my soul mate. **

**End of Confessionals**

Katie: Okay, Katie, let's see how the rest of the team is doing. (She turns away from Geoff, who is now munching on one of the statue's arms, and looks over to where the rest of her team is working. Tyler still has his huge glob of candy, and is smashing candy cane after candy cane into it, creating a huge, pathetic mess. He stands back, admiring his handiwork.)

Tyler: Alright! Tyler has achieved excellence!

Katie (muttering to herself): More like "excrement". Well, maybe DJ's made something nice. (She turns to look at DJ, who is over by the beach, collecting sea shells, and putting them in a pink, fluffy handbag. Katie sighs.) Well, that's certainly gay. Although I don't know if that makes it necessarily "nice". (Finally, she swivels to look at Bridgette's creation. Immediately, she gasps at the spectacle. Before her stands an incredible statue of Chef. However, instead, of legs, he has a giant green mermaid tail. He is erupting out of a pool, his muscles unrealistically large and speckled with drops of water. His hair is made out of seaweed, and he wears a crown on top of his head. In his hand he holds a giant glinting trident.)

Katie: Whoa. That's amazing. You know the shrine is doing its job when it makes _Chef _look attractive. I didn't even know that was possible! (She sighs.) Well there, Katie. Something to believe in. There's still some hope for your team. (Tyler, meanwhile, jams a candy cane into his candy glob, and inspects it. He frowns.)

Tyler: No, that's not right. Now it looks unorganized. I gotta pull it out. Man, you're such a perfectionist, Tyler. (He grabs onto the candy cane, and tries to yank it out. However, it won't budge.) Hm, a stubborn one, are we? Very well! Face the ultimate strength! (Jamming his feet into the candy glob, he wraps both his hands around the stem of the candy cane, and pulls with all his might. Slowly, the stick becomes dislodged.)

Tyler: TO… THE… EX… TREME! (Finally, with one final yank, he rips out the candy cane. It flies from his hands, and hurdles through the air, towards DJ. The candy cane jams right into DJ's eye socket, and sticks there. DJ flails around, grabbing at the candy cane puncturing his eyeball.)

DJ: GAH! MY EYE! MY EYE! (In a wild frenzy, he throws his bag of seashells up. It hurdles through the air, heading back towards the main cabin area. It slams right into Bridgette's Merman Chef, and topples it over. The structure smashes into the ground, disintegrating into a thousand little pieces. Bridgette stares down at her destroyed creation, and falls to her knees.)

Bridgette: My statue… My statue! MY STATUE!

DJ: My eye…

Tyler: Aw yeah! To the extreme! (He whoops, pumping his fists. Katie moans, clutching her head.)

**Confession Cam**

**Katie: I've finally figured it out. It's Tyler. He's the whole reason that our team has been sucking. He does nothing but destroy things with his own clumsiness! I need to make sure to limit the damage Tyler does today. I need to contain him, like one would contain a horribly dangerous, horribly stupid creature. And if that doesn't work, and we lose because of him today, then so help me I will vote his pathetic ass out of here. (She grins sarcastically.) To the extreme! **

**DJ (wearing an eye patch): I think my eye is going to be okay. Luckily, since my eyes are so small, the candy cane didn't puncture anything important. I guess there are advantages to having lazy cartoonists that only want to draw dot eyes for you! **

**End of Confessionals**

Katie (talking to herself): So, Katie, now you have to figure out what you're going to do for your own shrine for Chef. (She glances down at the list in front of her that Chef wrote, and reads off of it.) "I like long Saturday afternoons strumming my banjo and watching the birds mate with one another as the brilliant hues of the setting sun create a beautiful indigo paintbrush sky." Okay, what the $#&%?! How the hell do I make a shrine that conveys something as abstract as that? This is the most ridiculous challenge of all time. (She glances up from the list, and sees the Screaming Ivies over at the other end of the cabin area, returning from the video room. Trent stands among them, laughing and patting his teammates on the back. Katie trembles with anger, and crumples Chef's list up into a ball.)

Katie: Stupid Screaming Ivy… thinking they're too cool to even try at this challenge… off having a stupid little group orgy… they're all a bunch of Gary Stus and Mary Sues! Especially that Trent. He's a Villain Stu if I ever saw one. I mean, come on! The writers pretty much baby him through the entire competition with a ton of arbitrary rules! He's not even a real villain! (Cody pops up behind her.)

Cody (excitedly): You really think I'm a Gary Stu? (Katie groans at the geek's arrival.)

Katie: How did you get over here so quickly? You were literally standing over there with your team five seconds ago.

Cody: Doesn't matter. What matters is that you're upset.

Katie: Yes, I'm upset! Okay?! I'm very upset! My whole team is falling apart, and I'm doomed because of it!

Cody: Well, I'm not going to bother you. But I'll just leave this. (He places a small black box in front of her.) If you want to win the challenge, flip this open and press the red button inside of it.

Katie: I don't need your help! And I seriously doubt your little perverted contraption is going to help me with that.

Cody: It will. I promise. I have to go now. But think about it. Think about what you really want. (He walks away, grinning from ear to ear.)

**Confession Cam**

**Cody: She so wants me. **

**Katie: I so do **_**not **_**want Cody. But I **_**do **_**want to win. And frankly, I'm down to my last option. So I'm going to put my faith in a creepy little box I got from a creepy little boy. It's sometimes what you have to do if you want to win. **

**(Static)**

**Chris: We apologize for the massive amounts of Katie you've had to experience in these last few minutes. We promise that we are done with the excessive gamebot confessionals, muttering to oneself, and overall downer mood that she provides. However, she is essential to the plot, so therefore, we must show her. (He sighs.) I really miss Owen. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Wawanakwa Forest**

Alejandro: The Alejandro lunges over hurdle after hurdle, with a determination that is evident in his extremely sexy body language! The sound of his brazen arms pumping provides the offbeat to the swinging of his muscular legs, as the sound of his body working to achieve its goal creates its own reggae tune of sexiness. He takes no care for gravity, as his toned and fit form is simply propelled by the seismic force of his own good looks! With every step he takes, a new crop of sweat slides down the sides of his perfectly symmetrical face. But, with every drop of sweat that drips from his sexy pores, he knows that he is one step closer to victory! (Beth, meanwhile, is far behind Alejandro, panting as she forces herself up and over each of the hurdles.)

Beth (heaving): Seriously? Do you… really find it… necessary to… narrate yourself while you… run? It's kind of annoying!

Alejandro:_ Lo siento_. I am sorry that my greatness offends you. However, I find that the description of actions that takes place in the parentheses of this story simply does not do me enough justice.

Beth: Well you don't… need to be so… arrogant about it!

Alejandro: Some call it arrogance. I call it faith!

Beth: That… doesn't even make sense! Explain how… those two things… have anything in common with one another! (Alejandro pauses for a long time, before speaking again.)

Alejandro: The Alejandro ignores the question of the girl who really has no right to be questioning him, for she is far behind him in the race, and is not nearly as sexy as he is.

Beth: That's the stupidest and most obnoxious thing I've ever heard! (She shakes her head, as she climbs over another one of the hurdles.) I thought we were friends, Alejandro! (Alejandro sighs, and turns around to face her from far up the hill as he runs.)

Alejandro: I am sorry, Beth. It is just my competitive spirit kicking in. _Mi madre_ says I become like a raging, rabid hyena roaring for blood splatter, simply when we are playing a game of Chutes and Ladders! And you don't even want to know what happens during CandyLand. It is something I cannot help, I'm afraid.

Beth: It's… okay. (She takes along breath.) It's obvious you're going to win, anyway.

Alejandro: That is not true, Beth! There is still plenty of time for you to make a comeback! Of course, I seriously hope you don't, but still! You must believe in yourself!

Beth (breathing heavily): I… can't! What's there to believe in? Name one good… attribute about me! (Alejandro thinks as he runs for a very long time.)

Alejandro: Um… erm… um… your name starts with a "B"!

Beth: How is that an attribute?

Alejandro: Why, B is one of the most regal letters in the entire alphabet! Second only to A, L, E, J, N, D, R, and O.

Beth: Those are just all the letters in your name!

Alejandro: Well, we are not all blessed with such a heavenly name as Alejandro Pierre MiTaquito WhereizWaldo Burromuerto the IV. But back to the point. There is still plenty of chance for you to overtake me! I could easily make a stupid mistake. Just don't give up, okay? (Beth nods.)

Beth (breathing heavily): Thanks… Al. You really are a nice guy. I now believe in myself!

Alejandro: Good. Unfortunately, you're still going to lose. But at least you won't be completely utterly destroyed. Now, I really must pay attention to where I am going. (He turns his head back around to face forward, and immediately, it smacks into a low-hanging tree branch. The ladies' stumbles around, before he collapses on the ground, unconscious. Beth slowly gets up the hill to where he is, and grins down at his body.)

Beth: Nice timing for that one. Hmm… how are you going to narrate yourself now? Here, I'll narrate for you. Alejandro is a loser that really should've looked where he was going. The end. (She cackles as he hurdles away, leaving his body in the dust.)

**Confession Cam**

**Beth: OMG, was that mean? I think that was mean. I'm sorry, Alejandro! Friendship bracelet? (She holds up a purple friendship bracelet. Chris reaches in through the window, and grabs it from her.)**

**Chris: Thank you! You're so kind. And it's purple! My favorite color, second only to Chef. **

**Beth: "Chef" is not a color! **

**Chris: Yes it is! It's the color of Chef's underwear. **

**Beth: How do you know what color Chef's underwear is?**

**Chris: Um… er… thanks for the friendship bracelet! (He ducks his head out the window.)**

**(Static)**

**Alejandro: Alas, for the second hurdles challenge in a row, my arrogance got the better of me. It seems like my obsession with myself is starting to dominate my life. It's really gotten out of control. It's gotten so bad that sometimes, when I'm in private and nobody is around to watch, I even like to Google myself. (He pauses.) That sounds quite inappropriate. **

**End of Confessionals **

**Chris and Chef's Garden of Love**

Ezekiel: Whoa… The Spy of the Night is speechless… (Ezekiel stares forward in shock at the spectacle before him, his eyes wide in disbelief. Towering in front of him is a giant, overgrown bush, blocking out all the sunlight. It is three times his height, and eight times his width. Ezekiel whips out a rock, and starts muttering into it like a phone, as he scans the perimeter of the plant.)

Ezekiel: iPhone, begin recording Audio Journal Entry #1. The title of this entry is "Ezekiel is Awesome". I will noo' state my observations to the best of my ability, eh. It appears I have come upon some kind of immense vegetation of sorts. It is green. No, not green like the color of my snot. We're talking a much more vibrant green, eh. Almost the hue of Alejandro's wonderful green eyes. The leaves look to be quite dry and spiky. The texture almost reminds me of my back when I have not applied the proper amoont of back lotion. So, these are my observations. Still, I am not quite sure what species or genera this plant belongs to, eh. Frankly I have no idea what "genera" even means, or where the word even came from and how I have it in my mind. Probably from all the hours I've been exposed to the toxic radiation that is otherwise known as Harold's biology lectures. Anyways, I will make sure to proceed with the utmost caution. End Journal Entry #1. (He puts the rock back in his pants, and walks forward. Sitting in front of the giant plant is a sign, which reads, "Do Not Touch The Plant". Ezekiel whips out his rock again, and presses his lips up to the surface of it, whispering into it.)

Ezekiel: iPhone, begin recording Audio Journal Entry #2. The title of this entry is "Ezekiel is Really Awesome". It appears I have come across a sign, eh. I can deduce that it is a sign because, well, it looks like a sign. I know, my observation skills are pretty incredible. Now, the sign says "Do Not Touch the Plant". So, therefore, I will touch the plant. (He reaches forward and touches the plant. Immediately, he retracts his hand.) Gah! Dryer than I thought, eh! This plant continues to intrigue me. I… (Ezekiel drifts off, as he hears noise near him. Slowly, he tenses up, and mutters to his rock.) End Journal Entry #2. (Ezekiel puts the stone back in his pants. He is silent for a long time.)

Ezekiel: Somebody's watching me. CARE TO SHOW YOURSELF?! (He slices his hand through the air in a karate motion, his eyes bloodshot.) I KNOW YOU'RE HERE! (Suddenly, he whips around, and faces the camera.) THERE YOU ARE!

Cameraman: For the second time, I'm just the cameraman! I'm just filming you!

Ezekiel: _**FILMING**_ ME?! I THINK YOU FORGOT AN IMPORTANT FACT, EH! THE SPY OF THE NIGHT CANNOT BE FILMED! YAAAHHH! (He lunges at the camera and tackles the cameraman to the ground, so he is now sitting on the man's chest. The homeschool then rips the camera out of the cameraman's grasp.) I'll be taking this! (He shoves the camera down his throat, and swallows. The cameraman clutches at the sides of his face, moaning.)

Cameraman: No… my camera… you just ate my camera… you just got me fired, dude… (Ezekiel whips out his rock, and starts talking to it again.)

Ezekiel: iPhone, begin recording Audio Journal Entry #3. The title of this entry is "Ezekiel is Really Awesome and Excellent". It appears I have caught a man who goes by the name of Cameraman, eh. Cameraman has been spying on me.

Cameraman: Actually my name is Terry—

Ezekiel: No, your name is Cameraman. Anyways, from my observations, I'd say Cameraman is in his late 30s to early 40s. I think the average girl would find him fairly handsome. Not my type, though. Although he does have nice, high cheek bones, eh. He's wearing a red T-shirt, and some skinny jeans that are made to look dirty and faded. Never understood that fad, personally. These jeans fit him pretty well, although they might be a little too wide in the waist. I'd suggest getting a 29.9 waist size instead of a 30.7. He seems to be wearing underwear, unlike me. Hm. And I think that's aboot it, eh. End Journal Entry #3. (He stuffs the rock back in his pants, then turns back to the cameraman underneath him.) Well, from what I've observed, you seem like a fairly good and normal guy, Cameraman.

Cameraman: Oh really? From what I've observed, you seem like a psychopath.

Ezekiel: Hey, I'm the spy! Not you! I'm the only one who gets to do the observing, eh! Anyways, Cameraman, you're going to answer one question for me, and then I'll let you go. (He beckons behind him the plant.) What is that plant, and why is it here?

Cameraman: Seriously? That's all you want to know? Sure, I'll tell you. (He smirks.) That plant alone is the main reason why Chris and Chef built this garden in the first place. It's called a marijuana plant.

Ezekiel: Huh? Did you say "Marriage-to-Leshawna" plant? I certainly hope so. I would love to get married to Leshawna. She's bootylicious, eh!

Cameraman: Gotta agree with that, brah. But no. You're pronouncing it wrong. It's called a "MA-RI**-JUAN-**A" plant. (He enunciates each syllable as he says it.)

Ezekiel: What? I don't want to get married to Juan! I want to get married to Leshawna!

Cameraman: It has nothing to do with getting married! God! It's just a plant that's used for getting stoned!

Ezekiel: Getting… stoned? So that's what you use it for, eh? Interesting… let me think about all this in the confessional. Awkward cut to the Confession Cam, activate! (He claps his hands.)

**Confession Cam**

**Ezekiel: My, that really **_**was**_** an awkward cut to the Confession Cam, eh. Anyways, my good friend Cameraman just told me that you use this "Marijuana" plant to get "stoned". The question is, how exactly does one get "stoned"? (He takes out the rock from his pants.) The Spy of the Night will perform an experiment! Let's see if he can get himself stoned, eh! (With that, he starts smashing himself repeatedly in the face with his rock.) **

**End of Confessionals**

**Wawanakwa Forest**

Alejandro: Ugghhh… Where am I…? (He is just opening his eyes, and finds himself lying on his back on the forest floor, staring up at the canopy above him. Slowly, he sits up, and looks around. Nobody is anywhere to be seen.) Beth? Where have you gone? (Suddenly, he remembers what happened.) Oh no! My face! (He quickly pulls a hand mirror out of his thong, and takes a look at his reflection. He smiles with relief.) Whew. I still have my good looks. Thank god. I really didn't want to have to perform a ritual suicide. (Alejandro sighs.) But still, I most likely have lost the challenge… to a girl whose name starts with a B! _**B! **_Perhaps the most vulgar, disgusting letter of the alphabet! If that's the case, ritual suicide might not be out of the question. (He cranes his neck.) Let's see how long I was unconscious. Luckily, I have an internal body clock, so I always can know the time. (He flexes his abs, and contorts them into the shape of a clock. Alejandro bends over and checks it.)

Alejandro: I was only out for fifteen minutes! There is still time! (He quickly ties his hair back in a ponytail.) The Alejandro is not going to give up that easily! He's going to keep on fighting! Like the Spanish conquistador that he is! (Throwing his hands up in the air and yelling out a war cry, he continues onwards. Three seconds later, his face smashes into tree branch. Alejandro does not stop running, however.)

Alejandro: That's not enough to stop the Alejandro! (He continues to lunge over the hurdles, until he smashes into another tree branch. Alejandro topples backwards this time, but lunges upwards once more.) Is that the best you—(His face smashes into another tree branch, followed by another tree branch, followed by another tree branch, followed by another tree branch. Blinded by all the leaves in his face, Alejandro runs forward blindly, until he slams into the hurdle in front of him, making him keel over. Alejandro cries out while on the ground, moaning in pain.) HOW MANY F**KING TREE BRANCHES ARE THERE?! (He collapses, sobbing wildly. Meanwhile, Big Bertha steps out of the bushes, and walks over to him.)

Big Bertha: Get yourself together, Burromuerto! You're acting pathetic! (Suddenly, Alejandro grabs the pig, and hugs him to his chest.)

Alejandro: OH, KEITH! IT IS HORRIBLE! WHAT AM I TO DO?! MY LIFE IS OVER. JUST KILL ME NOW! ¡YO SOY UN FRACASO DE MI FAMILIA! WAAAAHHHH!

Big Bertha (muffled by Alejandro's chest): Get me out from between your sweaty pecks, you Mexican madman! I'm not your f**king plush doll!

Alejandro: But I am scared, Keith. I am a lost little boy. What will my family say when I return home, once again a failure?

Big Bertha: I don't know, probably some rapidly-spoken Spanish nonsense that I would never understand.

Alejandro: Yes, you're probably right. (He sighs.) Has Beth reached the finish line yet?

Big Bertha: Are you kidding me? That bitch is so f**king fat it's ridiculous. She's going to take at least another hour to get there.

Alejandro: So you think I can still win?

Big Bertha: No. Unless I help you, that is.

Alejandro: What are you suggesting?

Big Bertha: I'll go slow Beth down as much as I can. While I'm keeping her occupied, you need to get to the finish line. Sound good? (Alejandro's eyes fill up with joyful tears.)

Alejandro: Oh, Keith. Of course it does! It sounds as good as a Jalapeno on a Saturday evening. (Big Bertha stares at him.)

Big Bertha: Okay, seriously, dude. WTF?

**Confession Cam**

**Big Bertha: Yeah, I'm willing to do anything to get Beth eliminated. That has always been my goal in life. You may not realize it, but during the other two seasons Beth was in, I was behind the scenes, manipulating everything so that she would lose. In Total Drama Island, **_**I **_**was the one who told her not to jump during the cliff-jumping challenge. **_**I **_**was the one who convinced her to join an alliance with Heather. **_**I **_**was the one who placed the cursed tiki for her to pick up. In Total Drama Action, I convinced everyone to vote for Duncan in the finale. And in the Total Drama Action Reunion Special, I convinced her to follow Geoff on the doomed search-party. I still can't believe she listened to me. Rule #1: If you have a choice on either staying with everybody, or going on an "adventure" with Geoff, you **_**always **_**choose the option that doesn't involve Geoff! In fact, you should avoid going anywhere with Geoff at all costs! Seriously? Do you **_**want **_**to die? Well, I mean, if I were Beth, I probably **_**would **_**want to die. But still. **

**End of Confessionals **

**Back at Camp**

Chef (over the intercom): Attention, mortals. This is your god speaking. You have nine minutes left, I repeat, nine minutes—

Trent: **NINE! **

Chef: Shut up, you numberphile! Seriously! Anyways, now you all have eight minutes and fifty-four seconds left. You better get finished pretty damn soon! (The intercom shuts off, and immediately, everyone flies into panic.)

Courtney: I need a hammer! Somebody give me a hammer!

DJ: Hey, that's what I need!

Gwen: Me too! Why didn't Chef give us any hammers, for God's sakes? (Suddenly, the intercom turns back on.)

Chef (over the intercom): Don't you use your god's name in vain! (The intercom shuts off.)

Courtney: Oh no… what are we going to do now? I can't finish my shrine without a hammer!

Izzy (tapping her chin): What we need is something else to use as a hammer. When choosing a hammer, you need something that has a nice, hollow head that can take a lot of blows. Hmm… what could be the solution?

Lindsay: I know! I think we should—(Izzy suddenly gets an idea.)

Izzy: Lindsay! Perfect! Listen, how would you like a premium head massage?

Lindsay: OMG, I would _love _it!

Izzy (her eyes glinting mischievously): Come with me, then. (She turns and yells at the rest of the contestants.) Everybody who needs something hammered, come with me too! (Courtney, DJ, Gwen, Tyler, and Trent all quietly follow after her, as Izzy carries a very confused Lindsay away.)

**Confession Cam**

**Izzy: Lindsay is proving to be quite the useful tool lately. You can use her for everything! Along with being an excellent hammer, she also can be used as a wrench, a shovel, a screwdriver, and a power drill! She's like a busty blonde Home Depot! **

**Courtney: Okay, so I used a human as a hammer. I was desperate, okay? I want to win that reward! Besides, Lindsay could use some blows to the head. It'd probably made her smarter! **

**Lindsay (her head covered in bruises): Oww… I feel really weird… (Suddenly, her eyes go blank, and her brain swells up so that her forehead looks like a giant cantaloupe. She starts to speak in a British accent.) ****So then I said to the gentlemen, "Prognosticate? I thought you said promisitate." I said this because, personally, I have always been apposed to utterly facesious rambling of the more extreme of the antidisestablishmentarians and proponents of the neo-socialist regime. After all, the unbalanced forces of the quasimetric calorimeter are convulsing into one excessively huge caliprod. **

**End of Confessionals**

Lindsay: An interesting conundrum you've imposed, Cody. Really, it's all a matter of isotopes. (She and Cody are discussing physics, as they wait for Chef to arrive. Cody sighs dreamily.)

Cody: Wow. Now you're hot _and _intelligent! BOOYAH, BABY! (Lindsay stares at him.)

Lindsay: Hmm. Fascinating. (She analyzes Cody with curiosity.) It appears your mental capacity has reduced since the last time we occupied the same point in space/time.

Cody: You're even smart-sounding when you reject me… This must be a dream… (Courtney, having witnessed the conversation, and turns to Izzy.)

Courtney: Are you sure Lindsay is okay? It looks like she's suffered a lot of brain damage from being used as a human hammer… (Izzy laughs.)

Izzy: Eh, she's fine. Here, I'll get her back to normal. I just need to say something really stupid that is completely untrue. Oh! I know! (She yells over at Lindsay.) Hey Lindsay! Ke$ha has talent! (Lindsay's brain immediately swells back down.)

Lindsay: Oww… OMG, that was soooo weird!

Courtney: Whew. Now I think she's back to normal.

Izzy: It appears so. However, she could still have lingering effects from the brain trauma. At any moment, Lindsay could revert back to her genius form. The only way we can prevent that from happening is to feed her a steady diet of listening to One Direction and watching the Real Housewives of New Jersey. (Trent is walking by as he hears this.)

Trent: Hey, that's my favorite band! And that's my favorite show! I've written many crossover fics for the two.

Courtney: There's a fanfiction category for _One Direction_?!

Trent: Yep. I created it myself. Recently, I've been writing a whole ton of Louis/Zayne one-shots.

Izzy (grinning at Courtney): And you actually are attracted to that man.

Courtney (putting her head in her hands): I'm not so sure any more. (Suddenly, piercing gospel music fills the air, making everyone drop what they're doing and cover their ears in agony. A giant crane has just appeared above the campsite, towering so high that it disappears into the clouds. The crane starts lowering a body attached to a cable. As the figure is lowered closer and closer to the ground, the gospel music becomes louder and louder. Finally, once the figure is fifty feet off the ground, the campers finally can see who it is. It is Chef, wearing giant angel wings as he strums a giant harp. The cook also has golden powder all over his face as makeup. He smiles at everyone staring at him in disbelief, and blows them a kiss.)

Chef: Greetings, my subjects! Yes, it is time. Time for your moment of reckoning! Bow before your god as he descends from the heavens, like an angel on earth! (He gives his harp a strum.)

Trent: Dude, we can all see that you're attached to a cable.

Chef: What cable? I simply floating through the air, buoyed by my own greatness. (Right after he says this, the cable above him snaps. Chef screams as he falls from thirty feet all the way to the ground, where he smashes into a giant boulder. All the campers burst out laughing. Chef gets up, fuming.)

Chef: Hey! Don't you laugh at your god! DON'T YOU LAUGH! (Everyone continues to lose it, tears streaming down their faces. Chef roars in frustration.) Stop it! STOP IT! (Nobody listens. Chef stamps his feet in anger, tugging at the skin of his bald scalp. With a primal yell, he grabs his harp and smashes it down onto the boulder in front of him. The loud crack of the splintering instrument makes everyone fall silent. Chef, his body heaving with rage, wipes the broken shards of wood off of his hands. He then narrows his eyes at the contestants, who try to avert his gaze. He speaks, his voice a deathly quiet whisper.)

Chef: This has gone too far. I've had it. I'm sick and tired of not getting the respect I deserve! Of watchin' you brats prance around like you're gods on earth!

Courtney: That's all _you've _been doing today, you realize.

Chef: Yes, but I _deserve_ to be a God! I worked hard to achieve my status as ruler of the universe! You kids have never even had to work an honest day in your life! You've had everything handed to you on a silver platter! But not me._ I_ had to _rip_ off the fingers clutching that silver platter to get what I want! Than I had to rip off my own fingers, and staple them back on! Don't say you've done work until you've done that.

Bridgette: Um… didn't you already give this monologue to us, like, two chapters ago?

Cody (checking his cell phone): Yep. In Chapter 36, he went on a tangent about ripping his own fingers off.

Chef: Put that cell phone away, you nerd! We're supposed to be in ancient Greece! Do you wanna be authentic or not? Always gotta be hooked up to electronics, don't you? A bunch of technology-obsessed hooligans, that's what you teens are! Googlin' each other's insecure asses and tweetin' about every single stupid-ass occurrence in your life!

Lindsay: OMG, that totally reminds me! There was this _really _important tweet I had to send! (She takes out her phone, and starts typing away, reading her tweet aloud as she goes.) _Had a gr8 brekkie this morning, IMO… Have u ever noticed how pancakes look like circles? OMG, IKR? I never noticed 2! LOL life #Breakfast #TheMostImportantMeal #PancakesFTW #TheMoreYouKnow #AnotherGenericTwitterHandle #BieberBeliever_

Chef: Thank you, blondie, for proving my point! The only people that care about what a hot girl has been eating for breakfast are food fetishist pedophiles and Chris! Yes, you teens really are out of control when it comes to the internet. However in all your antisocial computer shenanigans, you forget the most important lesson of them all: RESPECT! And I'm sick and tired of not getting the respect I deserve! Of watchin' you brats prance around like you're gods on earth! You kids have never even had to work an honest day in your life! You've had everything handed to you on a silver platter! But not me._ I_ had to _rip_ off the fingers clutching that silver platter to get what I want! Then I had to rip off my own fingers, and staple them back on! Don't say you've done work until you've done that.

Geoff: Dude, are you having a stroke? You literally said that exact same thing five seconds ago.

Chef: I'll repeat it as often as I like! In fact, I'll repeat it again! I'm sick and tired of not getting the respect I deserve! Of watchin' you brats prance around like you're gods on earth! You kids have never even had to work an honest day in your life! You've had everything handed to you on a silver platter! But not me._ I_ had to _rip_ off the—

Bridgette: Okay, okay! Fine! We'll start respecting you. I'm going to lose my mind if I have to hear that monologue one more time!

Chef: Hey! Don't you interrupt me when I'm talking! That's disrespectful! And I'm sick and tired of not getting the respect I deserve! Of watchin' you brats prance around like you're… (Everyone groans as he says the monologue once more.)

**Confession Cam**

**Bridgette: Is it me, or has Chef become the biggest attention whore on the entire show lately? Seriously, in the last few episodes, it's been pretty much him trying to get as much screen time as possib—(She is cut off, and the camera goes to static.)**

**Chef: Enough of that aqua bitch. I'm the one that deserves the spotlight! Anyways, it's time for another episode of… Chef's Extremely Pointless Anti-Youth Rants! I gotta say, I'm getting worried for the future of Canada. I know I say that a lot, but it's true! Teenagers these days … They wouldn't know respect if it raped them in the butt! The way they treat their elders is simply uncalled for. Older people are supposed to be cherished and esteemed, not jibed and taunted at! That's why I love the language of Spanish. They have a completely different conjugation of verbs, just for when you're talking to someone older than you and you want to show them courtesy! Yes, Spanish is truly the language of respect. It's probably why that Alejandro kid grew up to be such a good boy. Such a good boy, that Alejandro is… (He licks his lips.) **

**Courtney: Sure, I think Chef has some major issues. But this **_**is**_** still a challenge. And Chef is judging it, major issues or not. And I want to win. So if I have to kiss the guy's ass, I undoubtedly will! It's part of being a politician! With all that in mind… what you're about to see happen next is purely professional. **

**End of Confessionals**

Chef: All right, I'm done with my ranting, at least for the next five minutes. God Hatchet will now begin the shrine judging process. (Courtney comes up behind Chef and starts stroking his chest. She whispers in his ear in a seductive voice.)

Courtney: If you don't mind, I would love my shrine to be the first one you experience. Would you like to come with me?

Chef: Heh heh… sure thing, bitch-I-can't-remember-the-name-of. (Courtney smiles sweetly at him. She then turns and yells at Trent and Cody.)

Courtney: Get in your ready positions, you morons! (Trent groans.)

Trent: Do we seriously have to do this, Courtney? I really don't think this is a good idea.

Courtney: Yes! Yes you do! (Cody and Trent sigh, and run off in the direction of the beach.)

Chef: Wait… what "ready positions"? I don't like the sound of this!

Courtney: Just come with me, Chef. (Chef reluctantly is led down to the beach by Courtney. As they walk, Courtney leans over and whispers in his ear.) A little info about my creation, first. For my shrine, I'm recreating a fantasy I know you've had for a long time.

Chef: How do you know my fantasies? And I know for a _fact_ that I don't have any that involve those two weirdos!

Courtney: Just trust me, Chef. You're going to love it.

Chef: I really don't think I—SWEET MOTHER OF OPRAH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL! (They have now arrived at the beach, and Chef shrieks with joy at what he sees. Standing before him is a giant pink, fluffy pony. Well, not exactly a pony, but actually Cody and Trent in a pony costume, with Trent kneeling in the front, and Cody kneeling in the back. Chef, however, doesn't notice. He turns to Courtney, his eyes wide in excitement.)

Chef: Is this… Is this mine?

Courtney: All yours. I know how you've always had a fantasy of a riding your very own pony along the beach. And this is the finest steed I could find. (Suddenly, Trent sticks his head out from underneath the costume.)

Trent: We can barely breathe in this thing! Courtney, why the hell did I let you put me in here—(He is cut off as Chef runs up and starts banging on the pony's head.)

Chef: PONY PONY PONY! MY VERY OWN PONY! AND IT'S PINK! (With a whoop of excitement, he jumps onto the back of the horse, making both Trent and Cody's knees buckle from the weight. Cody yells in pain.)

Cody: Gah! That's my head! (Chef, not listening to him, wiggles around until he gets comfortable. Then he sighs with content.)

Chef: Sitting on my pony feels exactly how I imagined it would… this is just like in one of those Disney Princess movies!

Trent (from inside of the pony costume): Yeah, except for the fact that you're _not _a princess; you're a grown man who's about seventy years past the age where liking My Little Pony as a dude isn't considered creepy! (Chef doesn't listen to him. Instead, the cook is grinning at Courtney.)

Chef: This is incredible, bitch-I-can't-remember-the-name-of. Yet, I still feel like something's missing… (Courtney nods knowingly.)

Courtney: I'm on it. (She whips out a bottle of champagne, and hands it to him. Chef takes it from her, and stares at it like it's a precious metal.)

Chef: Is this…?

Courtney: Yep. A bottle of the finest Mendocino Cabernet Savignon, aged for exactly thirty seven years, then aired for another three years, then aged for another seven years, then aired for another year. Grown in the secret vineyards of Barcelona, and shipped here for your intoxicated enjoyment.

Katie: And just how did you get a hold of such a wine, might I ask? (The campers have all gathered on the dock, and are glaring with jealousy at Courtney.)

Courtney: Oh, I have my resources. (Chef pops off the cap of the bottle, and inhales the scent of the liquor with delight. He grins widely, his eyes glazing over dreamily.)

Chef: This is incredible… (He takes a huge gulp straight from the bottle, and then points forwards, down the beach.) Onwards, my pony! Let us ride off into the sunset!

Trent (from inside the costume): What sunset? It's the middle of the day! How frickin' drunk are you?

Chef: I WANT TO RIDE OFF INTO THE SUNSET! I WANT TO RIDE OFF INTO THE SUNSET! (He starts throwing a temper tantrum atop his saddle.)

Courtney: Trent. Cody. Get. Going. **Now**. (She grits her teeth at them threateningly. Cody and Trent groan, and slowly get back up on their knees. Breathing heavily, they start to crawl forward, shaking underneath Chef's weight. Chef screeches with excitement, and claps his hands.)

Chef: Yay! WHEEEE! Now I feel like the queen of the world!

Trent (from underneath him): A queen that weighs 500 pounds! You're breaking our spines, you obese, gender-diffident, sexually confused culinarian! (Chef doesn't hear this, however. He bounces around on his seat, and starts singing the "My Little Pony" theme song as they slowly inch their way down the beach.)

**Confession Cam**

**Courtney: What? I did what I needed to win. I had to play to Chef's weaknesses. And this time, I played to the weakness that he's a raging, closeted brony. **

**Chef: Okay, after what just happened there, I might as well come out of the closet. Yes, I'm a brony! So what? We bronies are a proud bunch! There are quite a few of us, actually. Like, for example, The Kobold Necromancer is a brony. And, uh… um… some other people are, too! Besides, it doesn't matter how many of us there are. It's not about quantity, it's about quality. And My Little Pony is much better than this stupid show! Nobody on this show respects each other. The bad guys always win! But in My Little Pony, everybody loves each other! Yeah, I love that show. Did you know that sometimes I pretend this toilet seat is actually the saddle of a giant purple pony? I also imagine that Tim Tebow is sitting behind me on the saddle, his strong quarterback arms wrapped around my torso as he whispers sweet Christian nothings into my ear. Then we gallop off into the universe on a magical rainbow. (He sits there for a moment.) Never play this confessional. EVER. **

**Trent: My god, that was painful. My back still aches from the weight of that fatass! (He sits next to Cody in the confessional. The pervert nods in agreement.)**

**Cody: I agree. I can't believe Courtney convinced us to do that for her! (There is an awkward silence as they look at one another.)**

**Trent: Um… why are we in the confessional together?**

**(Static)**

**Courtney: Oh, and about that whole wine imported from Spain thing, yeah, it wasn't actually wine imported from Spain. It was just toilet water. However, Chef was already so drunk to begin with that he didn't even notice. (She pauses.) What? It's called being efficient! Politicians do it all the time. **

**End of Confessionals **

Chef: Well, that was magical. (His hair is now tousled and all over the place.) That might have just been the best shrine I see all day!

Katie: How was that a shrine? It was just a lame piggy-back ride!

Chef: So? If my information is correct, in ancient Greece, people gave gods piggy-back rides as a way of showing their devotion to them!

Gwen: No they didn't! What wiki are you using to get this information?

Chef: The Chef Hatchet Wiki!

Izzy: Ooo, I love that wiki! I've added seventy-three articles to it, ranging from Chef's favorite sex positions to Hatchet's secrets of personal hygiene.

Chef: So _you're _the one who has been visiting that site nonstop and spamming it up with a bunch of false information!

Izzy: So it's _not _true that you've created your own signature furniture line made entirely out of tampons?

Chef: Of course not! It's a signature eating utensil line! Get your facts straight! (He turns back to Katie.) Listen, woman. When I said "Make a Shrine", I left the options very open! What you guys chose to do with the instructions was up to you.

Katie: So pretty much, what you're saying is, when you said "Make a Shrine", you really meant "Make a Shrine, or not, I don't really give two sh*ts."

Chef: No, what I meant was that I don't care what the term "shrine" means to you, just as long as it involves major ass-kissing of the Godly sorts! (He beckons to Courtney.) And frankly, this fine young woman did a very good job kissing my ass! So she's probably going to win! (Tyler coughs really loudly.) What you coughin' 'bout, fool?

Tyler: I think you forgot about me, Chef.

Chef: What about you? I barely even know who you are!

Tyler: But I know who _you _are, Chef.

Chef: No you don't!

Tyler: Yes I do. I know your passions, just like Courtney. And when you see my shrine, I'm not gonna lie, you may just ejaculate in your pants.

Chef (raising an eyebrow): Oh really? Then show me what you made, fool! (Tyler whips out from behind his back the candy glob. It is now a lumpy mess, with shards of candy cane sticking out everywhere. It is also starting to bubble and melt under the sun, with candy juice running down the sides of Tyler's hands. Chef jumps back in fear at the sight of it.)

Chef: Yo! What the heck is that?!

Tyler: It's my totally awesome shrine, dude! Made entirely of delicious candy. After all, Chef Hatchet loves candy, right?

Chef: No I don't!

Tyler: Wait… what? But I heard that you were a major sweet tooth, dude!

Chef: Yeah, back when I was a kid! But then, after years of suckin' on lollipops and chewin' on gumballs, I had to have my front tooth removed due to a cavity, and now I'm stuck looking like a fricking five year old for the rest of my life! And besides; if I'm going to eat something sweet, I'd much rather have a nice, crunchi biscotti, or a light, fluffy soufflé.

Tyler: Dude, that's… that's kind of gay.

Chef: How is that gay? That's another stupid thing you teens do! Usin' gay as a derogatory term for every single thing! Since when was being a homosexual a bad thing? Back in my day, everyone was gay! And things were a lot better, might I add! In fact… (As he rambles on, Tyler whips around to face DJ.)

Tyler: _You_. You said Chef liked candy, DEE-JAY! You lied to me!

DJ: So you're admitting that you stole the idea from me.

Tyler: I won't admit to anything! (He turns away, shaking his head.) I can't believe this. You've tarnished the sacred bond we share, DJ. With your filthy ways! WITH YOUR FILTHY WAYS! It's time we settled this once and for all. With a real fight! (He runs over to Gwen's sculpture of Chef being impaled, and rips the spear out of his chest. This makes the statue topple over and fall apart. Tyler then runs over and rips the trident out of the hands of Bridgette's statue, making it topple over and break as well.)

Bridgette: My statue! Not again! (Tyler tosses the trident to DJ, and then holds out his spear in an attack position.)

Tyler: Let's do this! Come and get me! I can tell you think I'm a douchebag. Don't you wanna serve me justice? (He circles around DJ, making jabbing motions at him with his spear. DJ just shakes his head.)

DJ: I don't care if you want to be the ultimate lord of the douches, Tyler. I'm still a pacifist, and I'm going to live up to that. (Tyler thinks to himself, and gets an idea. He sneers at DJ, twiddling his spear in circles.)

Tyler: Yeah, me too. I'm also a pacifist. In fact, just last night, I passed a fist with your mom, DJ.

DJ: Seriously, man? Real mature.

Tyler: Yeah, I've got a place at your mom's table any day. It's probably because of my super strong fingers. (He wiggles his fingers suggestively.)

DJ: Dude, that's nasty! Stop!

Tyler: Aw yeah, it got steamy. Especially when I wrapped my yo-yo around her and climbed into her chicken pen. Wasn't even afraid of her chickens!

DJ: C'mon, man! This is seriously wrong!

Tyler: Wrong? It felt pretty right to me. Then I lit my sweat pants on fire as I slid down her zipline. Aw yeah.

DJ: Stop making a bunch of innuendos with my mom based off things you've said and done during the competition!

Tyler: But this actually happened, DJ. The best part was probably when my purple meatball started playing her piano.

DJ: I'm warning you…

Tyler: Yeah, and then, at peak of the experience, I yelled out, at the very top of my lungs. You should've seen the avalanche that resulted. It wiped out everything! Speaking of which your bedroom could use some new sheets—(DJ's fist slams into the side of Tyler's face. The jock stumbles back, shocked, yet nodding with approval. DJ now stands with both his fists clenched, breathing heavily.)

DJ: Don't… make fun… of my mama. (Tyler smiles, relishing the moment.)

Tyler: Make me. (With that, the two lunge at each other. They converge in the center of everything, forming a huge fight cloud. Above the ruckus, Tyler's voice can be heard.)

Tyler: Now this is what I've been waiting for! A fight! This is more like it! Ow! Let go of my extremely athletic eyelids! That's not fair! (The sound of punching and swearing fill the air.)

Geoff: Chef! Dude! Maybe you want to do something about this? (Chef has just finished his monologue about gay pride, and sees the fighting going on. He scowls.)

Chef: Oh, hell no! Not on my watch! (With a roar, he lunges into the fight cloud, and disappears within the flying dust. Tyler can be heard from inside the cloud.)

Tyler: Yo, Chef! Glad you could make it. Help me deal with this AHHHH! (The sound of girly screaming and rough smacking fills the air. Then… silence. Slowly, the dust clears away, revealing Chef, holding Tyler by the collar of his shirt in one hand, DJ in the other. He holds them at arm's distance apart, and they are still swinging their fists at one another.)

DJ: C'mon, Chef! Let me get back at him! He talked about my mama in the worst of ways!

Tyler: No! Let _me _back at him! He um… he uh… darn, I'm forgetting the reason why I don't like DJ.

Chef: No. No more fightin'. All you guys ever do is fight, fight, fight! You two would benefit from watching some My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. It would teach you the right values, like how important a good brotherly bond is! Now, I don't know what the deep-rooted issues you two have with one another are.

DJ: I have no issues with Tyler! He just attacks me for no reason!

Chef: There's a reason for everything, DJ. You just need to learn what it is. So you two are going to work this out, one way or another. But I can't have you interfering in this challenge any longer. You're destroyin' shrines, screamin' obscenities, and actin' like homeless people! So… (He drags the two of them over to the confessional bathroom, and throws open the door. He then stuffs both DJ and Tyler inside, before slamming the door shut and locking it from the outside. Tyler immediately starts banging on the door from the inside.)

Tyler: Hey, man! Get us out of here! THE TYLER MUST NOT BE RESTRAINED!

Chef: No way! You're not gettin' let out until you learn to be friends again! But you're not gonna be doin' it here.

DJ: Wait… what are you saying? (Chef suddenly wraps his arms around the confessional, and with a grunt, lifts it up off the ground. Tyler and DJ scream from the inside.)

Tyler: GAH! THE CONFESSIONAL IS FLYING! I HATE BEING UP IN THE AIR! PUT US DOWN!

Chef: I don't want you losers in my presence any longer! So off you go! (With that, he hurls the Confessional as hard as he can. The single-person bathroom goes flying off into the sky, disappearing into the clouds, as DJ and Tyler scream like children. Chef turns back to the rest of the campers, wiping his hands off.)

Chef: It had to be done. (Everyone nods in agreement.)

Trent: But wait… now what are we going to use as a confessional?

Chef: You guys can just use the janitor closet. But personally, I feel like if you've got something to say, you can say it to everyone. That's my motto. Tell everyone what you're thinking at all times!

Gwen: I think we can tell that's your motto. All you do is hog the screen, talking about pointless crap!

Chef: And all _you _do is mope like a little mascara-covered skeleton! Where's your shrine, by the way?

Gwen: Tyler destroyed mine! Bridgette's, too, for that matter!

Chef: Oh. Well, since you two are both hot, I won't ding you two many points.

Courtney: That's ridiculous, Chef!

Chef: Life's ridiculous. Get used to it. Now I want another shrine! Who wants to show me theirs next? (He takes a step forward, and his foot lands in something squishy and wet. He pulls his foot away, and sees that he stepped in a blob of melted cereal mush. Chef stares down in disgust, before glaring up at the campers.)

Chef: Does this random pile of **** belong to someone? (Geoff looks up from playing with his bellybutton, and sees Chef wiping his foot off in disgust.)

Geoff: Dude, not cool! You stepped in my shrine! (Chef stares at him in disbelief.)

Chef: Wait. _This _is your shrine? (Geoff races forward, grinning.)

Geoff: Yeah! You like it?

Chef: What in the god's name is it supposed to be?

Geoff: Why it's you, Chef!

Chef: _Me_? It looks nothing like me! It doesn't even have a face!

Geoff: What are you talking about? It's got everything! (He points at the blob.) There's its mouth. (He points at the blob.) And there's its nose! (He points at the blob.) And there are its eyes!

Chef: You're just pointing at the same general area every time!

Geoff: Oh wait. I almost forgot the finishing touch. (He takes off his hat, and puts it on top of the blob.) There. Now it's complete! The resemblance is uncanny.

Chef: How does putting _your _hat on it make it look any more like _me_?

Geoff: Good point. I guess that's why you're our god, Chef! You're so much smarter than all of us! (He winks at Chef.)

Chef: Oh no. No no no no no no! You are _not _going to change my mind by sucking up to me with your charming smile and rugged good looks! I'm sticking with my belief that this is the worst shrine ever created! Frankly, this… _thing…_ shouldn't exist! If a Greek had presented this to one of their gods, he would have been thrown off the cliff of Mt. Olympus!

Geoff: You just aren't looking at it from the right angle, dude. Come over here and look at it from where I'm standing. (Chef reluctantly walks over and stands next to him. The two look at the pile of sludge together.) See what I mean?

Chef: Oh, I see. I see that it still looks like ****! (Geoff sighs.)

Geoff: Okay, look, dude. Truth is, I was _planning_ to make a cereal sculpture of you, but I accidentally made one of myself, instead. And I was just so handsome and delicious looking… I couldn't help but have a taste of myself. And I kind of got… carried away. And now this is what's left. But isn't it the effort that counts?

Chef: Let me think about that. NO! (He shakes his head in disgust, and turns away from the party boy, who immediately starts lapping up rest of the cereal sludge.)

Chef: Okay, somebody better have a shrine that's a substantial remedy for what I just had to look at. (Suddenly, he is enveloped by a giant shadow.)

Trent (from high above): Turn around, Chef. And be prepared to be amazed! (Chef slowly turns around.)

Chef: This better be go—WHAT THE F***************?! (He screams as he sees Trent's creation. Towering before him are nine giant statues of himself, standing so high that they are disappearing into the clouds. Each statue has nine heads, with nine giant chef hats on each head. Spreading out from each statue body are nine arms, with nine hands on each arm, and nine fingers on each hand. Each colossal Chef has nine legs, with nine feet on each leg, and nine toes on each foot. The giant Chefs stand in a circle, surrounding a giant blazing bonfire. Standing atop the tallest Chef is Trent, grinning downwards at the rest of the campers and Chef.)

Trent: Ninetastic, is it not?

Chef: How did you build all this in just an hour?

Trent: Actually, it took me thirty six minutes. And when you add three and six together, you get—

Chef: Nine! I know! Seriously though, this is creepy.

Trent: It's not creepy! It'd be creepy if it were any other number. But nine makes everything okay!

Chef: Actually, I'm pretty sure nine is the whole reason this thing is making me feel very violated right now. Well, this certainly didn't improve my mood. In fact, it just made me sadder. (He starts to turn around and walk away. Trent jumps up and down in anger.)

Trent: No! It is ninetastic! You cannot leave now! (He continues to flail around atop the giant chef head. Suddenly, the statue begins to wobble back and forth. Trent starts to lose his balance.)

Trent: W-whoa… WHOA! (The Giant Chef groans as it topples off to the right. Trent quickly dives off the head of the statue, and after tumbling downwards, lands safely on the grass. Meanwhile, the Giant Chef that Trent knocked over slams into the Chef next to it, making that one topple over. That second Chef slams into the Chef next to it, making that third Chef topple over. Slowly, in a domino effect, each statue is knocked over by the statue to the left of it, until the final Chef statue is knocked loose and starts wobbling. Chef, meanwhile, is standing with his back to all this, not having noticed the chaos behind him. He still doesn't notice when a giant shadow descends on him. He finally notices when he is crushed by the falling statue. Trent sees this from the grass, and chuckles nervously.)

Trent: Heh heh… oops.

**Confession Cam (Janitor Closet)**

**Trent: Well, that was bad. However, through all his serious injuries, I hope Chef will still realize the numerical passion that went into creating that shrine. (He shrugs.) Yeah, I know my number nine obsession has suddenly spiked again. It happened when I really thought about the number. For instance, have you ever noticed that nine times anything broken down into a single digit adds up to nine? Incredible! Maybe Chef can think about that as all his broken bones are healing. **

**End of Confessionals**

(Chef is now propped up with crutches, and his head is tightly bandaged. One arm is in a sling, the other is in a cast. He is also wearing a neck brace and a back brace.)

Chef: I would probably be yelling right now, but it hurts to speak, due to the fact that I broke my neck. Actually, I broke a total of 99 bones in my body just now. (Trent is about to yell out, but is interrupted by Chef.) And if a certain someone decides they want to yell their favorite number as a pointless interjection, they're about to find out why I was sent to jail 9 times in the summer of 1983, five of which were for "involuntary" manslaughter. (Trent doesn't speak.) Good. Now, I believe we have four shrines left. Who would like to go next?

Izzy: Ooo! Pick me! Pick me! (She raises her hand frantically. Chef shakes his head.)

Chef: No way. I'm not goin' anywhere near anything that was crafted by yo' devil hands.

Izzy: C'mon, Chef! I promise that you will only break 20 more bones at the most.

Chef: NO!

Bridgette: Wait a minute. What happened to not being able to yell because of a broken neck?

Chef: Huh? Did I say that? Hmm. Interesting. Well you know what? I'M STILL GONNA YELL! Now, let's get on with this challenge. (He looks over at Lindsay.) Whose shrine is _that_? It looks stunning!

Katie: That's not a shrine, Chef. That's Lindsay.

Chef: Oh. Well, Lindsay, would you like to show me what you've made? (Lindsay looks up from her Twitter account on her phone and smiles at him.)

Lindsay: OMG, yes! I think you're going to be, like, really impressed. I'm not gonna lie, it's actually like a modern masterpiece.

Chef (staring at her boobs): I'm sure it is. Why don't you show me?

Lindsay: Sure! (She excitedly takes out a piece of paper from her pocket and proudly displays it to Chef. Drawn in sloppy crayon on the piece of paper is a bunch of scribbles intertwined together.)

Lindsay: Isn't it great?

Chef: Um… yeah, it's… (He swallows deeply.) It's great. However, I have to ask: What is this supposed to be a drawing of? Is that… is that a flower? I feel like I shouldn't look at it too closely, or I might get a seizure. (Suddenly, Lindsay gasps heavily, and her forehead swells up.)

Lindsay (in a British accent): Well, my good sir, this particular piece is actually a medley of many post-Victorian art styles, in not only that it contains aspects of the Romanesque, Gothic, and Baroque art in its physical entity, but also in that it is highlighted by Mannerism, Realism, Impressionism, and Neo-classicism when one analyzes the emotional impact and intent of the artist. (Chef stares at her.)

Chef: Um… what? Did you just have a seizure yourself? 'Cause all I see is a bunch of scribblin'!

Lindsay: *Sigh*… Chef, the flimsiness of your cerebral cortex disturbs me. It's a pity you were absent when the rest of the world was evolving. (All the campers burst out laughing, making Chef fume with rage.)

Chef: I liked you better when you were stupid! Now you're just a condescending bitch!

Lindsay: You say I'm condescending? Do you even know what condescending means? (Chef starts stuttering.)

Chef: That's easy! It's… it's where you… you descend the… descend the… descend the con! Right? (Lindsay sighs.)

Lindsay: You know, Chef, somewhere out there is a tree, tirelessly producing oxygen so you can breathe. I believe you owe it an apology. (Chef clenches his fists as everyone loses it in laughter. Courtney wipes a tear out of her eye, and turns to Izzy.)

Courtney: We should probably still change her back. (Izzy nods.)

Izzy: Better say something completely stupid. (She yells at Lindsay.) Noah is a person who cares about other people's feelings! (Lindsay's brain shrinks back down, and she looks around confused.)

Lindsay: …So do I win? Do we get to go shopping?

Chef: NO! You don't win! YOU WILL NEVER WIN! (He sniffs.) I'm not a waste of oxygen… I'M WORTH THE LIFE OF A TREE! (He mutters to himself as he runs away, his eyes filled with tears.)

**Confession Cam (Janitor Closet)**

**Lindsay: You know, I was just reading through this shoe catalogue, when suddenly, I, like, realized something! It wasn't a shoe catalogue! It was a shoe **_**magazine**_**! How crazy is that? (Suddenly, she gasps heavily, and her head swells up again. Her smart personality speaks.) That's quite enough out of you, my trend-swallowing Neanderthal friend. (She grins at the camera.) Yes, it is I, smart Lindsay. Did you know that I actually can come about whenever I like? I only choose to do so in situations where my other, er… **_**personality **_**needs serious help. I'm starting to realize, however, that even if stupid Lindsay doubled her brain competence, she would still be about twenty IQ points short of getting to be classified as an "idiot". At this rate, I may just need to inhabit her body forever. **

**End of Confessionals**

Chef (addressing Cody): Yo, nerdy boy! Show me what you got! I see you got a pedestal in front of you. What are you gonna put on it for your shrine? (Cody stands behind a Roman pedestal, twiddling his thumbs.)

Cody: Um yeah… This pedestal _is _my shrine.

Chef: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

Cody: Whoa, dude, calm down. Just chill. Let me explain to you. Here, take this pen. (He hands a pen to the trembling Chef.)

Chef: You have five seconds to explain this to me before I shove that pedestal all the way up yo' geeky butthole.

Cody: That's vivid. Okay, I'll explain. You see, I thought about something, Chef. We know the purpose of these shrines is all about professing their love to you. But I think the most valuable thing you could gain from this is learning to love yourself.

Chef: What are you, my suicide counselor? I don't need your advice!

Cody: Think about why you hosted this challenge. You don't accept yourself, so you need other people worshipping you to boost your confidence. I'm right, aren't I, Chef? Don't shake your head. I can see you tearing up. But what if you just stopped for a moment, and really asked yourself why you're worthy of being a God? So I gave you this pen, so you could write on the surface of this pedestal. Write down all the great things you see in yourself. Then, you can look at that list, and truly feel complete. (Chef is grinning, nodding enthusiastically. Then, suddenly, his grin transitions into a scowl.)

Chef: You forgot one vital thing, dorkus. I CAN'T WRITE!

Cody: Oh. Heh heh. Forgot about that.

Chef: So what you're really trying to say is that because I'm illiterate, I don't have any attributes, and that I should just kill myself? IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING?

Cody: No! I seriously forgot about your illiteracy! I promise!

Chef: I know it's the truth though. I KNOW I'M NOT WORTH ANYTHING! (He runs away, sobbing, for what seems like the fourth time this episode.)

**Confession Cam**

**Cody: Well, that had some unintended metaphorical consequences… **

**Chef: *Sigh*… This is the worst challenge ever… It seems like it seems like it's not gonna be a matter of deciding which shrine was the best. It's gonna be a much harder decision deciding which one was the **_**worst**_**! So many of them have been completely horrible! Seriously! Do these campers just hate me or something? **

**End of Confessionals **

**Wawanakwa Forest**

Beth: Is that…? It is! (She has just turned the corner around a tree. At the end of the path in front of her is the entrance back into Redemption Arena, with a flowing white finish ribbon flapping in the breeze. Beth salivates at the sight of it.) I'm so close I can taste it. (She looks behind her, expecting to see Alejandro, but he is nowhere to be seen.)

Beth: Wow. Usually that's the part where Alejandro shows up out of nowhere and declares something about the fruits of perseverance. Oh well! Looks like Alejandro's winning "streak" ends at _uno_! Heh, I'm so good at Spanish. (She taps her chin, thinking.) But who's going to be the new sex appeal of the show, now that he's gone? Eh, I'm sure I can help out with that. (She continues onwards, forcing herself over each hurdle with a newfound vigor. When she is just ten hurdles away from the finish line, Beth suddenly hears a rustling in the bushes. She stops, and glances toward where the noise is coming from.) Alejandro? Is that you? (The rustling stops.) Hello? (Suddenly, a voice surrounds her from all sides of the forest.)

Voice: Beth… you pathetic fatass… first of all, stop talking to yourself, because it just shows how few friends you have… And do you really think you can win this challenge that easily? You're going to fail, and the whole world will be there to bask in it. I can guarantee it.

Beth: Well, you don't need to be so rude, Alejandro!

Voice: But I am not Alejandro… I am someone much worse… someone much more determined to see you suffer. You say you're going to win? I'm afraid I can't let that happen. You see, for many years, Beth, you have caused me a lot of suffering. I've taken it all, never saying a word. But now I've had enough.

Beth: Who are you? Are you my father?

Voice: What the?! No! Although, to be honest, your family never liked you. Yet you still thought that they cared. But nobody cares, Beth. Not me. Not your so-called "besties". Not the mirror you spent hours every night sobbing into about your break-ups, make-ups, and other teenage emotional bull****.

Beth: But what about Brady? He cares!

Voice: "Brady" is a cyborg you built in your garage. He has no feelings for you. And he broke down two seasons ago!

Beth: He did?

Voice: Beth, do you not remember? It was at the Total Drama Action reunion party. Somebody asked him if he wanted some punch. Brady responded by echoing "Intruder Alert" over and over, before turning into an army jet plane and shooting down the punch table with rocket launchers, then flying off into the night sky, before running out of fuel and crash-landing in the pool, filling it with engine oil and crushing Chris, Chef, Ezekiel, Izzy, Heather, Alejandro, and Justin!

Beth: Hey, I had to install the "fight or flight" mode, in case I was ever being mugged or raped and needed his help! And how do you know so much about all of this? This must mean you're a former cast member. But who? Is it you, Heather? Are you trying to keep your boyfriend in the competition by cheating again?

Voice: No, I am not Heather. I might as well just show you my true identity. I'm afraid you're in for a nasty surprise. (There is a rustling in the bushes down the pathway, and Big Bertha crawls out, grinning evilly.)

Big Bertha: Yep. It's me. How's that for a surprise, bitch? (Beth gasps, not with horror, but instead, with delight.)

Beth: BIG BERTHA! OMG, YOU'RE ALIVE! (She screeches happily, and wraps the pig up in her arms. She heaves with sobs of joy, clutching the swine to her chest.) Oh, Big Bertha. I thought I lost you forever!

Big Bertha: Why are you hugging me? I just told you how much I hate yo—(He is cut off as Beth squeezes him tighter.)

Beth: You have no idea what it's been like for me, Big Bertha. There's some weird person in the bushes, being soooo mean to me! But now they're being mysteriously silent, for some reason. They must fear the strength of our relationship.

Big Bertha: No, because _I _was the person in the bushes! (Beth continues to cry with joy, and blows her nose against Big Bertha's skin. Big Bertha scowls, and snaps at her.) Oh, hell no! I'm not your own personal hanker chief! That's disgusting! How would you feel if someone just went up to you, grabbed the skin of your bare shoulder, and wiped their nose with it? (Beth still isn't listening. Instead, she starts twirling him around, spinning in circles.)

Beth: Whee! Remember how we used to do this all the time?

Big Bertha: You know I get motion sickness, you whore! (Beth sets him down on the ground, before leaning down and smiling at the bitter pig.)

Beth: May I have the honor of this dance, Big Bertha?

Big Bertha: NO! Please no! Please no dancing—(Beth, not listening to him, takes Big Bertha's front paws, and starts waltzing with him, humming to herself as she goes.)

Beth: This is magical, right? We're like two lesbian princesses!

Big Bertha: Uggh… this is obviously going nowhere. I tried to reason with you. I guess I'll just have to skip to the part where I attack your face. (With that, he lunges out of Beth's arms towards her head. Beth's piercing screams fill the air.)

**Back at Camp**

Chef: I don't know why they had to show that scene, but whatever. Let's finish the judging process.

Katie: Wait a minute. Where'd your bandages and cast go?

Chef: Hmm… I don't know. I guess they just disappeared. Things like that happen in a cartoon.

Trent: Or you were completely faking your entire injury the whole time, just like Noah.

Chef: Shut up! I'm an honest man! (He calms down, and points his finger at Katie.) You. You're up. (Katie takes out the little black box. Chef groans.)

Chef: Oh great. And what is _this _supposed metaphorically represent? The size of my heart? The size of brain? The size of penis? I can promise you that at least one of those three things is bigger than that. And it's not the heart or the brain.

Katie: Personally? I'm still not quite sure what it is. Let's find out. (She glances at Cody, and he nods. Slowly, Katie flips open the black box, and sees the red button inside. She takes a deep breath, and presses it. Immediately, the black box starts rapidly vibrating, and jumps out of Katie's hand. It falls to the ground and splits open. Suddenly, a beam of light shoots out of it, forming a tiny hologram on the ground. Slowly, the image expands, growing larger and larger. It gets to be so large that everyone has to move back to give it room. Finally, it stops expanding, once it is the size of the entire clearing.)

Chef (staring forward in shock at the hologram): Whoa. God damn. (Kneeling before him are 300 copies of Chris, in organized rows of ten. They are all wearing hoods covering their eyes. Draped over their bodies are religious-looking robes. Suddenly, they all speak.)

300 Chris's: All hail Master Chef… All hail Master Chef… (As they repeat this, they begin to bow down in unison. The chanting gets louder.) All hail Master Chef! All hail Master Chef! (They get up off their knees, so that they are now standing. The multitudes of Chris start to hop around each other in a strange tribal dance, still yelling the chant.) ALL HAIL MASTER CHEF! ALL HAIL MASTER CHEF! (The yelling gets to be more rapid, and even louder.)

300 Chris's: ALLHAILMASTERCHEF! ALLHAILMASTERCHEF! ALLHAILMASTERCHEF! (Chef is watching all this with maniacal glee. Katie sees how he is reacting. She turns and grins at Cody. The nerd winks and mouths to her "Just Wait". The Chris's are now doing back-flips and flying all over the place, slamming into each other like sacks of flower in their frenzy. They continue to scream the chant, but now it is going so fast that it's barely coherent.)

300 Chris's: ALLHAILMASTER**CHEF**ALLHAILMASTER**CHEF**ALLHAILMASTER**CHEF**ALLHAIL—(Suddenly, one of the Chris's is moving so fast that is explodes, enveloping in a ball of light. Immediately after, another Chris blows up in the same manner. There is silence. Then, in one sweeping motion, the 298 other Chris's discharge simultaneously, creating one gigantic sphere of light. The light projects itself up into the sky, forming the image of a giant Chef wearing a Trojan warrior outfit and holding a spear. Underneath the projection, in fiery red letters, it reads "Υποταχθεί στο μεγαλύτερο", meaning "Bow Down to the Greatest" in Greek. It stays up there for another ten seconds, before suddenly, there is a monstrous groan, and everything is sucked back into the black box, before it shuts with a click, and jumps back into Katie's hands. Everyone is silent for a very long time. Finally, Chef speaks, his legs awkwardly shifting around.)

Chef: Um… this may sound weird, but… but you know what that… that jumpsuit kid said would happen when I… when I saw his shrine? Where I would, um… ejaculate in my… in my pants? Well… about that… see… I… it really doesn't happen often, I swear… it's just that… I… I have to go! (He runs away to the larger bathrooms. Once he is gone, Courtney coughs, and mutters under her breath.)

Courtney: Show off. (Katie just sneers at her.)

Katie: I wouldn't be talking, _Le Bitch de Sauvignon_.

Courtney: At least I did all the work on my own! You _obviously _didn't make that yourself.

Katie: That doesn't really matter, does it? What matters is that I've won and you've lost. Deal with it. (She leaves an enraged Courtney and walks over to Cody. The geek is taken aback when she leans forward and hugs him tightly. She whispers in his ear.) You may be a nerdy loser, but at least you're _my _nerdy loser. That was awesome.

Cody: Heh heh. Don't mention it. (Suddenly, his face contorts.) Oops. (He awkwardly breaks free of the hug. Cody chuckles nervously, crossing his legs and shifting around in his pants. Katie looks at him strangely.)

Katie: What? What's the big deal?

Cody: You know what… what Chef said… about… about… you know what Chef was talking about just a few seconds ago? (Noticing Katie's horrified expression, he chuckles.) Heh heh. Yeah. It kind of just happened with me, too. I swear it was an accident! I'm just really… sensitive!

Katie (putting a hand to her forehead): Just go! (Cody mumbles something and chuckles, before he races off in the direction of the bathrooms after Chef.)

**Confession Cam (Janitor Closet)**

**Cody: I'm so embarrassed! Why do I always lose control whenever a girl hugs me? It's terrible! (He groans.) And it's not just girls that make it happen. No sir. It can be the most random of sensations that sets me off! (As he is talking, a slight breeze rolls through the window. Cody leans back, letting the wind blow his hair back.) Ahh… That feels nice. (Suddenly, his face contorts. Cody quickly covers his crotch.) SEE WHAT I MEAN? (He grabs some paper towels, and sprints out of the janitor closet.) **

**Katie: Despite that disgusting turn of events, I'm still impressed with Cody. He might be more useful than I thought… which will make it all the easier to dispose of DJ. Yes, Cody could very well be… (She suddenly stops.) Why is this seat damp? **

**End of Confessionals**

Chef: Well, maggots, the shrine judging process is now complete.

Izzy: But what about me? I never got to show you my shrine! (Chef whips around to face her.)

Chef: Let me give you a description of what my day has been so far, you crazy bitch. I have been insulted by every single one of my so-called "worshippers", smacked by a boulder after falling thirty feet through the air, crushed by a falling statue, and am now physically, emotionally, and sexually traumatized. I do not wish to carry on that tradition by dealing with whatever messed-up shenanigan you have in have in store for me!

Izzy: C'mon, Chef! Pleeeeaaaasseeee? I promise I'll never reveal any embarrassing information about you ever again!

Chef: You really think I care about my image anymore? I'm a crushed man. I can no longer be embarrassed by anything.

Izzy: Well, if so much bad stuff has happened to you already, what could my shrine do to you that could possibly be any worse? (Chef pauses, thinking.)

Chef: Let's make this quick.

Izzy: Yay! Come with me! (Chef sighs, and follows her over to the center of the clearing. There, sitting on a Roman pedestal, is a button. Chef immediately shakes his head when he sees it.)

Chef: No way. You can't make me do it. There's no way in hell I'm goin' to press any random button you give to me! That's like signin' a death wish!

Izzy: But I haven't even told you what I've created! It's a very special contraption. I call it… the Statue Maker 69!

Chef: Mm hmm. And what does it do? I

Izzy: You press the button, and using a variety of… _materials_, it makes a sculpture of you, all ready to be placed in your living room or something creepy like that! Try it!

Chef: Are you sure this is safe?

Izzy: Cheffie, Cheffie, Cheffie… Of course it isn't safe! That's part of the fun! C'mon, Chef. What have you got to lose? You've already lost your dignity. And you never had good looks, charm, or talent to begin with.

Chef: *Grumble* I can't believe I'm doin' this… (Still grumbling, he reaches forward and presses the button. Suddenly, the ground beneath him falls away, and he tumbles down through a trap door.)

Chef: AHHHH! (There is a loud clang, as he lands in what sounds like a giant metal pipe. Chef bangs around beneath the surface of the ground, with slightly muffled yelling.) WHAT IS THIS?! GET ME OUT OF HERE! (Everyone listens as the sound of banging metal moves under the ground in the direction of the beach at a rapid pace. Suddenly, a hole in the sand opens up by the Dock of Shame, and Chef goes flying out of it at light speed. Right before Chef slams into the side of one of the cabins, a claw bursts out of the grass and grabs the cook by the back of his shirt, stopping his momentum. Chef wiggles around in the claw's grasp, trying to break free.)

Chef: Make this thing let the f**k go of me, or I swear I will AHHHH! (The claw starts swinging Chef back and forth like a bowling ball, the cook flailing around like a madman. Chef screams like a little girl as the claw lets go of him with one final swing. He flies through the air, before landing in a vat of wet cement. Chef rises up to the surface of the liquid, coughing and hacking. Before he can start yelling again, a hook swings down and picks him up out of the goop. It then tosses him back onto the grass, with Chef sputtering and spitting out cement. He slowly looks up from the ground, and jams a finger in Izzy's direction.)

Chef: YOU! (He starts to run towards her, but suddenly, a mechanical foot springs up out of the grass and kicks him in the balls. Chef keels over, and as he does so, a pair of mechanical hands comes up behind him and pantses him. Chef now stands crouched over, moaning and clutching his groin, with his pants at his ankles, still covered in cement.)

Izzy: The perfect pose! I love it! Don't change a thing! (She snaps her fingers, and four walls dotted with little air holes come up to each side of side of Chef, surrounding and trapping him. The holes in the walls then begin to blast out hot air, all of it slamming into the concrete-covered cook. This goes on for a full minute, creating a cloud of steam that envelops him. Finally, the air-blasting stops, and the walls retract back into the ground. When the fog clears, there's a statue of Chef, keeled over and without pants, tears streaming down his face. Izzy grins.)

Izzy: Ta-da! One quality Chef sculpture, free of charge! (She walks over to the statue and pats it on the back.) Look at it! It's practically the next Mona Lisa. (Chef's muffled voice can just be heard from inside the concrete coating.)

Chef: Mmph! (Izzy turns to the rest of the campers.)

Izzy: Well, there you have it! The Statue Maker 69! (She bows, and everyone claps.)

Trent: I highly approve, Izzy. In fact, do you think I could buy that sculpture from you?

Izzy: Hey, that's a great idea! Let's have an auction! We'll start the bidding for this premium art piece at five dollars.

Trent: I'll bid five!

Izzy: And we've got a taker! Five dollars from the gentleman Trenton! Goin' once, goin' twice—

Katie: Eight dollars!

Izzy: Eight dollars, eight dollars from the fair bitch Katie! Who's gonna compete with that? Eight dollars goin' once, eight dollars goin—

Trent: Nine dollars! (While the bidding war carries on, a small crack appears in the concrete coating near Chef's pinky. Slowly, this crack pushes its way up the side of his arm, spreading along his whole body. Meanwhile, Izzy is rattling off in her bidding war voice.)

Izzy: Nine dollars goin' once, nine dollars goin' twice… SOLD to Trenton for nine dollars!

Trent: All right! Nine wins again! I'll just take my prize now. (He starts to walk towards Chef, but sees that the whole statue is now vibrating and shaking.) Um… Izzy? (Izzy turns, and sees what's going on.)

Izzy: Oh no. Guys, you may want to run. (Suddenly, there is a roar from inside of the statue, and it explodes, with chunks of concrete flying everywhere. The campers jump back to avoid getting hit. Chef now stands in the center of the clearing, breathing heavily, his skin red and inflamed. He brushes the grains of cement off of his shoulders, and slowly cracks his knuckles. Then he remembers to pull up his pants, and does so sheepishly. Izzy laughs, and gives him a thumbs-up.)

Izzy: Nice one, Chef! But it looks like I got you there, didn't I? After all, what's a better way to make a sculpture of someone than to use the actual person? You should've seen the look on your… Aw, do you really have to train that rifle at my head? That's kind of rude. Learn some manners, Hatchet. (She ducks as Chef fires, and laughs at his miss.) Missed me! (Suddenly, she hears a click, and sees that Chef now has a bazooka trained at her forehead from point blank range. Chef smiles evilly at her, insanity filling his eyes.)

Chef: Do you think _this _will miss, bitch?

**(The following footage has been lost, due to all the cameras being enveloped and destroyed by all the explosions that took place in the subsequent minutes that followed. Also, we respect Chef for the man that he is and the valiant life that he lives, and we don't want to completely humiliate him by showing the footage. Enjoy the rest of the chapter!) **

Chef (standing still, his whole body scorched black): Oops.

Geoff: Dude, that was hilarious! I can't believe you had the bazooka pointed at your own face!

Chef: It aint funny! Do I look like a guy that just automatically knows how to handle a bazooka? I don't even know where I got the bazooka in the first place! (He sighs.) Let's just finish this challenge once and for all, so I can go murder Izzy in a secluded location.

Geoff: Dude, that's… that's not as hilarious.

Chef: It's funny to me! Now, as I was saying, the shrine judging process is now complete. My verdict: this was a f**king horrible challenge. First, I will announce the "winner". "Winner" being a _very _relative term. I have to tell you, it was quite the tough decision.

Trent: Because there were so many great and unique shrines, right?

Chef: HA! Hahahahaha! Hahaha… heheheh…heh… no. Anyways, my choice has come down to a battle between the perfect pony ride down the beach and the cult-like Chris fest. (Courtney and Katie nod knowingly.) However, I'm now torn. I am at some pretty difficult crossroads in my life right now. Am I a brony first, and a megalomaniac second? Or am I megalomaniac first, and a brony second? Or does being a brony automatically make you a megalomaniac by default? Or if you're a megalomaniac, is it pretty much assumed that you're a brony? (Katie thinks for a second, and gets an idea.)

Katie: I don't know the answer to any of those questions, but if you choose my shrine, you get to keep it for yourself. Then you can use the hologram whenever you like!

Chef: Really?

Katie: Yep. It's all yours, if I get to win. (Courtney thinks for a second, and then yells out as well.)

Courtney: But Chef! If you choose _my _shrine, you get to keep the pony!

Trent and Cody:_ What? No way! _(Courtney faces them.)

Courtney: I'm trying to win, okay? I think you two should be willing to make the sacrifice.

Chef: Hmm… it's a tough decision. And you're both very attractive, so I don't have that to use as a tiebreaker.

Katie: I'll throw in a sandwich—

Chef: DEAL! And that means Katie is the winner!

Courtney: Hey, wait a minute! I'd proudly give you _two _sandwiches, Chef! How does that sound? Sounds good, doesn't it?

Chef: What do I look like to you, a gluttonous fatass? You can't just shove a sandwich in my face and expect to win!

Courtney: But that's what Katie just did! (Chef pauses, thinking.)

Chef: Yes, that is true… but her name starts with a "K".

Courtney: So? Why should a random letter have any influence on your judging decision?

Chef: Uhh… because Kool-Aid starts with "K", and I love Kool-Aid? But only if it's the fruit punch-flavored kind. Blue raspberry is for pussies!

Courtney: _You love Kool-Aid_?! Are you joking with me?! Your lust for powder fruit drinks should not affect your choice! The reasons you have been giving are completely arbitrary!

Chef: Not the comment about blue raspberry Kool-Aid. That really is for pussies. (He sighs.) Look, I'm sorry, okay? I aint too good at this judgin' thing! If it makes you feel better, I'll think a little bit more about my decision.

Courtney: Good. And no more bribes, right?

Chef: No more bribes.

Katie: Hey, Chef! How about I throw in some fruit punch Kool-Aid?

Chef: DEAL! And this time, it's final! (Katie smiles, and tosses him the black box. As Chef catches it, he notices Courtney glaring daggers at him. He shrugs.)

Chef: You can have some of the Kool-Aid, if you like.

**Confession Cam (Janitor Closet)**

**Courtney: I don't get Chef. Why does he love Kool-Aid so much? The name makes it sound like it's "Kool" to get "AIDS"! Which, I might add, you most likely will get if you drink that toxic sludge. **

**Chef (sipping from a packet of Kool-Aid): In reference to Courtney's comment up there, that so isn't true! I don't even have AIDS! I only have gonorrhea, Chlamydia, herpes, and maybe a few warts here and there! Anyways, I don't feel too bad about choosin' the hologram bitch as the winner. After all, her shrine was pretty awesome. Do you know how long I've been waitin' to have 300 copies of Chris bow down and worship me? For far too long, I tell you! But with this thing… (He holds up the tiny black box.)… I can enjoy it whenever I like! In fact, I'll enjoy it again right now. (He flips open the box, and presses the red button. The beam of light projects itself down onto the floor of the closet. Suddenly, the room starts filling up with Chris's at a rapid pace. Chef chuckles nervously as elbows start to dig into his face.)**

**Chef: Heh heh… this is kind of weird… and kind of painful… (More and more Chris's continue to fill up, now pressing Chef up against the wall. Chef is pushed to the floor as Chris after Chris appears inside the closet.) **

**Chef: That's enough… heh heh… THAT'S ENOUGH! (However, the Chris's continue to appear, getting jam-packed tighter and tighter as their numbers grow. Chef, being suffocated by all the host bodies, tries to raise a hand up to grasp at the toilet seat. However, his foot is stepped on by another Chris appearing. Chef yells in pain, and retracts his hand. Slowly, he disappears within the mass of flailing Chris's, whimpering and crying.) **

**End of Confessionals **

Chef (covered in bruises): Well, I just learned why you don't ever turn a hologram on in a tight, indoors location.

Cody: Dude, you actually tried doing that? Ha, that's classic!

Chef: Be quiet! I wanted to see what would happen! (He takes another sip from his Kool-Aid, before addressing the campers.) Well, I've already announced the winner. Now comes the actual interesting part.

Katie: Wait, what about my reward?

Chef: I'll get to that! Hold your My Little Ponies, lady! First, I must announce the loser of the challenge. Remember, this person will have to spend the rest of the morning worshipping me one-on-one. Despite the fact that she is a heartless bitch that is dead to me, Izzy will not be getting the liberty of putting her trigger-happy hands anywhere close to my body. So she is not the loser.

Izzy (sitting on a tree limb): Aw, darn! (She jumps out of the way as another bullet flies past her face.)

Chef (holding his rifle pointed at the treetops): WANNA SHOW YO' FACE AGAIN, WOMAN!? (Izzy is nowhere to be seen.) I THOUGHT SO! (He puts the gun back into his pocket.) Back to what I was talking about, before I was so rudely interrupted. Choosing the loser for this challenge was a much harder decision than the winner, because the rest of your shrines were, for lack of a more sophisticated term, ****************************************************************! Of the ones that weren't destroyed by Tyler, we had a giant pile of what looked like semen, a nightmarish monument of the numerical sorts that decided it wanted to crush me under its girth, a kindergarten drawing followed by an insult to my intelligence, and a so-called "uplifting piece of symbolism" that actually made me want to jump off a cliff in depression. (Geoff, Trent, Lindsay, and Cody all look down in shame as he says this.)

Chef: Really, I could choose any one of you. Truthfully, it should probably be a four-way tie. But in end, I had to make the most well-informed, educated decision I could possibly make. It came down to Cody and Geoff. Cody, because his name has a "Y" in it, and that is the first letter in "YOLO", perhaps the most demonically retarded modern phrase I have ever heard. Seriously! Just imagine if they had an acronym like that back in the days of the Renaissance! Imagine if instead of William Shakespeare writing, "Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more; it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.", he simply wrote "YOLO"? Do you think he would be the revered playwright he is today? DO YOU?!

Cody: Yeah, I see your point, but Lindsay's name also has a "Y" in it!

Chef: Yes, but she has bigger breasts than you. So she comes out on top. (He turns to Geoff, who waves merrily at him.) And there's Geoff. I chose him because the way he spells his name makes him come across as a pompous asswipe. Just spell your name with a "J"! Stop tryin' to look all fancy-dancy with your big ol' G's and your silent O's! Plus, the way he wears his shirt makes him look like a homosexual hobo.

Geoff: You know it, dude! YOLO! (Chef's eyelid twitches at the word.)

Chef: Don't make me do something we'll both regret, Geoff. (He addresses the rest of the group.) So, Geoff certainly has some major faults, including, as shown just now, an affinity for idiotic mottos that teenagers use an excuse to be promiscuous, commit crimes, drink underage, do drugs, and deny responsibility for their actions. However, despite all of his obvious issues, in the end, I chose Cody as the loser.

Cody: Seriously, dude? Why?

Chef: Because you have a stripe on your shirt! AND I HATE STRIPES ON SHIRTS! They're so… stripy!

Courtney (sarcastically): Oh, great. Another "extremely" well-thought out judging choice.

Chef (proudly): I know, right?

Cody: *Sigh*… It's all good, man. I guess I'll be fine. (Katie places a hand on his shoulder.)

Katie: Way to take it in stride. (She then turns her attention to Chef.) Okay, what do I get as my reward? (Chef beams from ear to ear at her.)

Chef: So do you want to know what you get as your reward?

Katie: Um… yeah! That's what I just said!

Chef: Well, I gotta say, this may just be the best reward in Total Drama history.

Katie: Really? That's awesome? Tell me what it is!

Chef: As your reward, you get the… GREATEST GIFT IN ALL OF GREECE!

Katie: What is it? What is it? (Chef just smiles at her.)

**Mess Hall**

Katie: **********************************************************************************! (She is kneeling next to Cody on the floor of the Mess Hall, massaging Chef's left foot as the geek massages Chef's right foot. Chef, who is leaning back in his reclining chair with a sleeping mask over his eyes and a glass of pina colada in his hand, gasps at Katie's exclamation and spits out his drink.)

Chef: Katie! Shame on you! That is not a respectful way to speak around your god!

Katie: Do you really think I care?! This is ridiculous! I _won _the challenge! And _this_ is the reward I get? Having to spend the rest of the morning worshipping you? I thought that was the punishment! (Chef takes off his sleeping mask and takes a sip from his drink.)

Chef: True. But then, you see, I thought about it for a moment. And then I realized: what's a better reward than a hard day's work? Nothing! I remember when I built this Mess Hall from the ground up, back in 1983.

Katie: Why do all of your stories take place in 1983? And I thought you were in jail during that year! (Chef doesn't respond, continuing on with his story.)

Chef: Yes, I did all the work myself. I layered each brick. I smoothed the plaster. I made the interior look trendy and modern. I put my blood, sweat, tears, urine, mucus, semen, and cerebrospinal fluid into this Mess Hall.

Katie: That's disgusting.

Chef: Maybe so, but that's sometimes what you have to put into your work if you want to get anything out of it. Anyways, I looked at what I had created, and suddenly, I felt the most amazing sensation rush through me. This was something I had worked to achieve. And when all was said and done, it wasn't just the Mess Hall that was complete. _I _was complete. And I can know that even once I die, my soul will live on within the walls of this building.

Katie: Until it's knocked down for being about fifteen years past the need for repairs.

Chef: But don't you understand what I'm trying to say?

Katie: No! I really don't!

Chef: That's unfortunate. What I'm saying is that to truly feel rewarded, hard, strenuous work must come first.

Katie: Says the guy who's sitting on his ass getting his feet rubbed.

Chef: Hey, I'm workin' hard, too! Proppin' my feet up like this is a pretty intense workout for my legs. Plus, I'm probably going to get bad posture by lyin' down in this soft, heavenly reclining chair! Not to mention that this pina colada is lukewarm, when it _should _be an icy beverage. We're all makin' sacrifices! And how big is _your _sacrifice, anyways? Admit it, my feet are better than most. In fact, I once was a foot model, you know. I even saw Justin at a photo shoot! That was back in 1983.

Katie: How much LSD were you taking in 1983? None of that actually happened!

Chef: Ha! That's what you think. But if I had been taking LSD that year, would I have been impregnated by Nicki Minaj before giving birth to a stop sign?

Katie: Um, yeah, Chef! That _only_ happens when you're taking LSD!

Chef: Wait, really? Way to crush my dreams! (He puts his sleeping mask back on, and leans back.) You know what? I'm done with all of yo' negative attitudes! I've finally learned that you adolescents are better seen than heard. So no more speaking. Just massaging. Which, by the way, you're doing an excellent job of. The way you're digging your fingers into my skin has just got me hot and bothered. Is that a special technique?

Katie: Actually, I'm just feeling around for the pressure point Sierra discovered that is used to temporarily paralyze the body, so I can press it and get the hell out of here.

Chef: Huh? What did you say?

Katie: Nothing.

**Confession Cam (Janitor Closet)**

**Katie: What's the point of even winning a challenge on this show if you just end up receiving a punishment? And Chef is such a creep, honestly. But if you haven't picked up on that already, then I hate to tell you this, but you are, too. **

**End of Confessionals **

**Chris and Chef's Garden of Love**

Ezekiel (muttering into his rock, bags under his eyes): Begin Audio Journal Entry #56. Title it "I've Run Out of Ideas for Journal Entry Names". After five hours of experimental testing, interviewing, and making out with this Marijuana plant, I can see that it is nothing but a harmless growth that can provide some pretty good tongue action, eh. However, I forgot to wear gloves while handling the plant, so it is now ridden with my DNA. I must find an efficient, eco-friendly way to mask the evidence, while limiting the damage to the plant. With these principles in mind, I am going to burn it to the ground. (He whips out a box of matches.)

**Confession Cam**

**Ezekiel: What? So that wasn't exactly the most efficient, eco-friendly disposal technique. But I'm a spy, not a global warming activist! I'm not Al Gore! Although I wish I was, I wish I was. Ever since Al Gore's global warming documentary "An Inconvenient Truth", came out, he's been getting all the ladies, eh! **

**End of Confessionals **

**Mess Hall**

Chef: So there I was, in the middle of a full-on battlefield. I was surrounded by people waiting to tear me apart. I looked down at the newly-bought toaster I had cradled in my arms. It was shiny, so very shiny. I looked at that toaster and told him I loved him. There was no time for tears, as precious minutes were fleeting. I could sense the ravenous beings closing in on me from all sides! Their minds were set on one thing: taking my baby away. There was only one thing left to do. Tucking my toaster into my shirt, I then whipped out my machine gun, and charged. I dived right into the enemy lines, with no fear, no remorse. I could feel their hands clawing at me, tearing at the seams of my shirt. But I continued to push through the sea of bodies, even as the bullets were a'flying. "FOR CANADA!" I yelled, and continued to hold down the trigger. I could feel no pain. This was my moment of truth. Finally, I broke free of the pandemonium, with only a few bullet wounds in my chest and back. But my toaster… (He chokes on a sob.) My toaster was gone. (He sighs.) To this day, I have searched the corners of the globe for a toaster as fine as that one. But my search has been futile. Once a man finds his soul-mate, he can't just move on to another woman. Same thing with toasters. No toaster will ever compare to the quality of the one I found that day. I slipped my heart into that toaster, and it is still on the heating rack, waiting to be taken out, as it slowly burns to a black crisp. (Katie stares at him from her position massaging his feet.)

Katie: That's great and all, but I asked how much longer we had left, not for you to tell me a soap-opera about you and a toaster!

Chef: That was a true story! It happened on Black Friday at Bed, Bath, and Beyond; back in 1983.

Katie (rolling her eyes): Of course. (Cody, meanwhile, is reminiscing.)

Cody: Ah, Black Friday. So many memories. There was this one Black Friday where I was at a Best Buy at 2 in the morning, and they were having a half-off special for a new USB drive using hc-crisv10 and address 4—

Katie: Nobody cares, Cody! I thought I told you not to speak, anyways! You're the reason I'm stuck here! (Cody sighs and nods. Chef, however, frowns.)

Chef: I don't think that's fair, Katie. You see, I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that a greater force brought you here, with a goal in mind! And the fact that Cody is here with you says a lot about its plan. It obviously wants you and Cody to make a connection! And I'm here, too, aren't I? Maybe I'm also part of the plan!

Katie: What are you getting at? I really hope you aren't suggesting what I think you're suggesting.

Chef: It's obvious that this higher power wants the three of us to form an alliance.

Katie: Whew. I was worried you were going to say something else. But there's no way in hell will I ever form an alliance with you!

Chef: C'mon, you two! It would be perfect! I would be the muscle. Cody would be the brains. Katie would be the boobs.

Cody: Dude, how come you always are trying to do this illegal alliance thing? It never works!

Katie: And besides; then we would only get 33,333.33 dollars each!

Chef: Yes. And with that much money in my pocket, maybe I can buy a toaster almost as good as the one I found that fateful Friday. What are you going to do with your share of the money, Cody?

Katie: Now hold on a second! Did you not just listen to me? This alliance isn't happening!

Chef (his eyes narrowing): Oh, it's going to happen. One way or another. (Suddenly, his nose perks up, and he sniffs the air.) Do you smell that? It smells like something is burning! (Suddenly, his eyes go wide.) Oh no. I haven't checked on the garden in a while. I have a very bad feeling about this. (He turns to Katie and Cody.) You soldiers are relieved of your duty! I have some very important business to take care of! CHEF TO THE RESCUE! (With that, he grabs a baseball bat, and sprints out of the Mess Hall.)

Katie: Well, that was strange. I have no idea why he thinks a baseball bat will help him put out a fire, but whatever. (She notices Cody looking at her awkwardly.) Why are you looking at me like that?

Cody: N-now that Chef's gone, and the kitchen is completely open, d-do you wanna, like, get a bite to eat? Heh heh. (Katie raises an eyebrow.)

Katie: You're asking me out.

Cody: Well, actually, I guess you could say I'm asking you _in_, considering we're going to going to be inside of… inside of the… the Mess Hall… (He trails off as Katie stares at him.)

Katie: Listen, Cody. I understand now that I can't blame you for this happening. You just wanted to help me win, and you did. But you and me? That will never happen. I will never date a boy like you, Cody. Ever. And as soon as you get that through your thick skull, I think we'll all be better. I don't want you talking to me. I don't want you even _looking _at me. I'm not Gwen. I'm not going to put up with it. (She smiles cruelly at him.) Maybe I can put in a good word for you with Sadie. She's still a little out of your league, but I think she'll be willing to make an exception.

Cody: But I don't want to be with—

Katie: You don't have a right to request anything. For guys like you, you either take it or leave it. You didn't take it with Sierra. Maybe you shouldn't make that same mistake again. (She exits the Mess Hall, leaving Cody by himself.)

**Wawanakwa Forest**

Beth: You'll never get away with this! Alejandro will come and save me! (She is now tied to a tree, struggling against the ropes. Big Bertha watches her struggles, and laughs.)

Big Bertha: You can tell yourself that all you like. But unfortunately for you, Alejandro was in on the plan. He should be here any second now. He'll cross the finish line, and you'll be sent home.

Beth: Why would you do this? We were best friends!

Big Bertha: Ha! Best friends?! I can't stand you! You have been holding me back my whole life from achieving my goals!

Beth: Oh? And what goals did you have in mind?

Big Bertha: Eating. Pooping. The thing that all the other pigs do! You barely let me do either! Instead, you dress me up in tutus and parade me around everywhere like I'm Cinderella! Do you understand what kind of emotional and mental scarring that can cause to a heterosexual male?

Beth: I'm sorry! I didn't know that you were a guy! You pigs all just look the same to me!

Big Bertha: You racist! Well, all you geeky white girls look the same to _me_!

Beth: Really, Big Bertha. I'm sorry. I was a bad person. I didn't treat you like an equal. I treated you like an object. But that can change! We can make up!

Big Bertha: No! No more make-up! No more... make-up… eye-liner… lipstick… (He shudders, as if remembering past experiences. Then he snaps back to reality.) We're done talking. There's no more to be said. (Suddenly, a bruised, bloody, and mud-covered Alejandro turns the corner, and sees Redemption Arena looming in front of him. He jams a finger in its direction, and starts galloping over the hurdles towards it.)

Alejandro: There it is, Alejandro! The finish line! Now you can finally harvest the fruits of your perseverance! Onwards, like the wind! (He gallops right past the tree where Beth is tied to, not noticing her. Beth yells at him.)

Beth: Alejandro! Help! (Alejandro stops mid-stride, and turns to face where the sound came from. He sees Beth tied to the tree, and gasps. He looks over at Big Bertha, who is sitting next to the tree, grinning.)

Big Bertha: Don't mind us, Burromuerto. I'm just fulfilling my end of the agreement.

Alejandro: Keith, _mi amigo de cerdo_! You did not say that _this _would be your method of slowing Beth down! I do not approve! (Big Bertha scowls.)

Big Bertha: Don't you be going all Spanish Inquisition on me now, buster! We had a deal. I would help you win. Now you have to keep up with your end of the bargain. Finish the race!

Alejandro: But…

Big Bertha: No buts! You talk about your butt too much, anyways. The obsession is kind of unhealthy. (Beth squirms around against the ropes.)

Beth: Don't listen to him, Alejandro! I thought you wanted to win fair and square! Wasn't that your policy? (Big Bertha laughs at her.)

Big Bertha: Ha! You have no idea, do you? Alejandro has done nothing but cheat his way to where he is right now. He's the one that had the plan to make me go missing, so you would miss the duel! Do you really think he's going to change, just like that?

Beth: He _can _change! I know he can! Right? (She looks pleadingly at the Hispanic, who averts her gaze.)

Alejandro (sighing): No. What Big Bertha says is true. I cannot change. I must go. (He starts to walk towards the finish line, stepping over the hurdle in front of him.)

Beth: No! Don't do it!

Big Bertha: That's it… keep going, buddy… you're almost there… (Alejandro steps over the next hurdle, and the one after that, moving like a robot. There are now only seven hurdles between him and the entrance back into Redemption Arena.)

Beth: No… please… (Suddenly, Alejandro stops. Slowly, he tilts his head back.)

Alejandro: Friendship. Trust. Honor.

Big Bertha: Uh, that's great, man. (Alejandro is now facing them. Slowly, he speaks again.)

Alejandro: Sacrifice. Discovery. Revelations. Friendship.

Big Bertha: Dude, you can reflect on life later! Get to the finish line! (Alejandro takes a step back in the direction of the tree.)

Alejandro: No, I cannot change. That is impossible. BUT I CAN STILL WHOOP THIS PIG'S ASS FOR HURTING MY FRIEND!

Big Bertha: Wait, what—(Alejandro's foot smashes into his face, making him fly backwards and slam into Beth. The nerd girl frees her arms from the ropes, and grabs the struggling swine.)

Big Bertha: No! Let me go!

Alejandro: Toss him to me, Beth! (Grinning, Beth hurls Big Bertha at Alejandro, who catches the pig. Big Bertha screams in rage as he struggles in Alejandro's grasp.)

Big Bertha: You traitor! We had a deal!

Alejandro: You have been a very bad little piggie, Keith. You tried to fight the power of friendship. But the bond that Beth and I share will never be broken.

Big Bertha: You burrito full of *************************************************! I will ****************************** you until _tu _madre is ****************************** in the **************************!

Alejandro: That is quite the racist potty mouth you have on you. Therefore, you will not speak anymore! (With that, he stuffs Big Bertha into his thong, and snaps the waistband shut. The pig wiggles around inside, trying to get out.)

Big Bertha: Mmmmmmppphh! (Alejandro walks over to Beth, and unties her ropes. Once he is done, Beth runs forward and hugs him.)

Beth: I knew you had changed, Alejandro. I knew it.

Alejandro: You shouldn't be so surprised. You've helped me to change, Beth. I now see a new—OW! MOTHER******! HE JUST BIT ME! *************! Heh heh, sorry about that.

Beth: Do you really think your man thong is a good place to store him?

Alejandro: I have no other place I can put him. And I do not want him to be able to attack you again. (He takes her hands, and stares into her eyes.) But enough about all of that. We should've never let Chris manipulate us to fight against each other.

Beth: Yeah. I don't know what I was thinking! I should've helped you when you hit your face on that branch.

Alejandro: No no. I deserved it. I was being a jerk to you before that. But I hope we can put all of that behind us. Now let us venture onwards, together. We'll either both go home, or we'll both stay here. But Chris cannot separate or manipulate us again. Agreed? (Beth nods. The two then proceed to jump over hurdle after hurdle, hand-in-hand, until they both break through the entrance to Redemption Arena at the same time.)

Chris: And the winner of the duel is… Alejandro _and _Beth? They TIED?! What is the meaning of this?!

Noah: And cue friendship burrito metaphor in 3...2…1…

Alejandro: We are friends, Chris. And friendship can be seen as a burrito.

Noah: Hey, what do you know? A burrito metaphor! I didn't see that one coming.

Chris (moaning): Oh, great. Well, get on with it, then.

Alejandro: Very well. When it comes to this burrito, I am the tortilla, while Beth is the filling. As the tortilla, I provide support. Protection. I keep Beth from falling apart in an emotional, insecure wreck. Meanwhile, she gives me purpose. Without her as my filling, I do not feel complete. But when she's inside of me, I feel so incredible. (He cringes.) I should probably rephrase that last part.

Chris: Yes. You probably should. But frankly, you two, this is getting ridiculous! How rapidly this bond has transitioned from a slight acquaintance to a metaphor-encrusted blood vow has got me very worried about your mental health.

Alejandro: Do not worry; I am very sane, Chris Mclean.

Noah: Just as a suggestion, you should probably say that without the giant wiggling lump in your thong.

Alejandro: Ah, I almost forgot. (He reaches into his man thong, and pulls out Big Bertha, who is hyperventilating and moaning to himself.)

Chris: What is _that thing _doing in there? God, I'm so confused right now.

Beth (smiling): Let's just keep it at, "We all learned a very valuable lesson, Big Bertha included".

Chris: Really? You guys learned something? That's good. Because I feel like this experience has literally made me ten times dumber than I was before! I don't understand any of this! Well, I think I can safely say that this duel was a disaster. There was no drama whatsoever!

Alejandro: Yet it provided the viewers with a heartwarming family experience.

Chris: Like I said, no drama whatsoever!

Noah: Well, maybe next time, Mclean, you should have the duel actually take place in the arena, instead of off in the forest, where the duelists can technically do whatever they want! It makes for a horrible spectator sport. And maybe then Alejandro and Beth won't come back higher than two skyscrapers!

Chris: Those are some good points, Noah. Too bad I don't care about your opinion. (He turns back to Alejandro and Beth.) We have a special rule for ties in a Redemption Cabin duel.

Beth: Oh boy. If it's anything like your rule for tie votes, it's probably going to suck.

Chris: Well, it's certainly going to suck for you, Beth. In the case of a tie, the edge automatically goes to the person who has won more previous duels. Therefore, as Alejandro has won one previous duel, he is the winner. And you are the loser. (Beth nods solemnly.)

Alejandro: What? No! This is heresy, Chris! Completely unfair! Beth and I will stay together, I say! (Beth takes Alejandro by the shoulders.)

Beth: No, Alejandro. You have to go on and win. Get back into the game. Then win the whole competition. For us. (She hugs him.) I know you can do it. (Alejandro smirks.)

Alejandro: Thank you, Beth. You are a wonderful jury vote.

Beth: Huh?

Alejandro: Er, I mean, you are a wonderful friend, Beth.

**Confession Cam**

**Alejandro: I have always been a man determined for the end game. If I am not the person with the monster paycheck at the end, then it doesn't matter how I placed otherwise. As you probably know, this season is going to have a jury of eliminated competitors pick the winner. Some may see Redemption Cabin as a disadvantage for me when it comes to winning with the jury, because I'll end up being personally responsible for many of these people's eliminations, and they could be bitter. But I personally see it as a blessing in disguise. I'm going to spend a lot of time with those future jurors in Redemption Cabin. My plan is to cultivate fake relationships with these morons. I'm going to make them feel like we share a bond that nobody else has. And once I am sitting in the finals, they'll practically throw their votes at me! I've already implemented the strategy with Beth, as you've seen. That's right. Everything you just saw from me was completely fake. All that hugging, all that corny BS… none of it was true. But if you hadn't realized that yet, you're delusional. (He pauses.) What? You actually thought I had an interest in being friends with her? You obviously do not know Alejandro very well. He does not spend petty time on friends. Unless it is Tomás the Toilet. (He wraps his arms around the toilet, and whispers to it.) I love you, Tomás.**

**Beth: Oh well. Looks like this is the end of my time here on Total Drama Returns. Although I ended up getting 15****th**** place, I think I can still hold my head high! I am proud to be—**

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: I cannot stress enough how much uplifting exit confessionals ruin the mood. (He looks forward at Beth and Alejandro, who now stand side-by-side in front of him.) Well, Beth, your time has come. Please walk down the pathway leading out of here. You will then board the awaiting Boat of Losers, and be carried away to wallow in your failure. (Beth starts to step forward, but Alejandro stops her.)

Alejandro: Wait, Beth! Wouldn't you like to take Big Bertha with you? (He hands her the pig, who is now unconscious.) I think it would be a nice parting gift, until we see each other again.

Beth: I would be honored. (She takes Big Bertha from him, and starts walking down the pathway. As she walks, she grins evilly down at Big Bertha.) You would have no idea how much I've been craving some bacon. I may just have to satisfy that craving once we get to the Playa de Losers. (She cackles as she disappears into the forest.)

Chris: Uh oh. That does not sound too good for our buddy Keith. (He turns back to Alejandro.) Well, that is two wins in a row now, Alejandro. Any parting words? (Right as Alejandro starts to speak, Chris presses a button on his remote control, making an ejection panel spring upwards and send him flying off into the forest.) I really didn't want to hear another burrito metaphor.

Noah: Heh heh. Nice one. (He goes back to reading his book.)

Chris: Time for you to leave now too, Noah. Go back and report to your team what happened.

Noah: Do I have to? I really don't know if my team is going to be too happy to see me now, after the whole video room incident.

Chris: Well, you certainly can't stay here. We need to set up for the Olympic games immunity challenge we're going to be holding here in an hour!

Noah: Can't I just stay here, while you guys set up?

Chris: Sure, Noah. Of course you can.

Noah: Thanks. I appreciate it. (He opens his book, and immediately afterwards, he is launched from his seat, screaming like a baby.)

Chris (tucking his remote control away): Or I can press an ejection button panel. Which one do you think is more exciting for me?

**Confession Cam**

**Noah: Chris never ceases to amaze me with his unending influx of sociopathic tendencies. (Suddenly, the door to the janitor closet opens, and Chris sticks his head in.)**

**Chris: Talking behind my back, huh? **

**Noah: Hey, there's another one! Lurking outside the confessional and listening to others confess, just waiting for your name to pop up so you can burst in on them. **

**Chris: Is that how you see me, Noah? After all we've been through together? **

**Noah: Pretty much. **

**Chris: Fine! If you want to file a divorce, go right ahead! But I'm taking custody of the toilet paper! (He grabs the roll of toilet paper, and races away. Noah watches him leave, before turning back to the camera.**

**Noah: …Getting back on topic, I now need to meet with my teammates for the first time since this morning. And for someone who relishes watching others divulge themselves in embarrassing social situations, I still have a feeling it's going to be the most awkward thing ever to grace national television. (He sighs.) Wish me luck!**

**End of Confessionals**

**Killer Redwoods Cabin (Girls)**

Bridgette: I'm sorry, Geoff, but the way Chef treated you there was completely uncalled for! (She sits on the bed, while Geoff leans against the wall of the cabin.)

Geoff: Hey, it's all good. I've faced those criticisms my whole life, Bridgette. But hey. If I'm a homosexual hobo, at least I'm homosexual for you, babe. (He winks.)

Bridgette: That's sweet, but not really biologically correct.

Geoff: So what? Life's not biologically correct! You just gotta go with the flow. (He takes out a ukulele and strums it. Bridgette raises an eyebrow at this.)

Bridgette: I see it's the return of the randomly appearing ukulele. Where do you keep getting that thing from?

Geoff: I don't know. I guess it just appears whenever I need to add a definitive accent to the statement I just made. And on the topic of that whole Chef thing, at least I'm not Katie. Man, sucks to be her! (He strums his ukulele in agreement with himself. Bridgette snaps her fingers, remembering.)

Bridgette: Oh wait. _That's_ why I asked you to come over here! I almost forgot! Geoff, we need to talk about Katie. Seriously, this time. I need your word that you'll vote her off if we lose the immunity challenge today. Don't dodge the question like you usually do. You need to be straight with me here.

Geoff: But I'm a homosexual hobo! I can't just make myself straight! But I _can _strum this ukulele. (He starts strumming his ukulele.)

Bridgette (as Geoff strums away): That's not what I mean! You need to just be honest! Although there really is no good reason _not_ to get rid of Katie. Once the merge happens? Bam. We'll be the first ones out of here. But, if for some reason, we can't find a way to vote off Katie, Tyler would be the second best option. He's pretty much her right-hand man—Why are you strumming that ukulele so much? Are you even listening to me?

Geoff (putting away the ukulele): Sorry. I thought our strategic discussion could use some musical accompaniment.

Bridgette: Well, it doesn't. And how is this a strategic discussion? It's just me trying to talk to you about strategy, and you either giving obscure, middle-of-the-road answers or not answering at all!

Geoff: Listen. I just don't see why you want to get us out of this alliance already. The party's just getting started!

Bridgette: What _party_? Katie said _to my face _that she planned to eliminate me! And you specifically said that if my name came up at all, we'd back out. You promised, Geoff.

Geoff: Yes, I know. But I'm not sure you know what you're talking about. Katie just recently told me that she really respects and admires you! If that's the case, why would she want you eliminated?

Bridgette: So now you're accusing me of lying?!

Geoff: No. I don't think you're lying. I think you're just… mistaken!

Bridgette: Have you ever even considered the idea that _Katie _might be the one that's lying?

Geoff: That's certainly possible. It's also possible that she's telling the truth. Trust me, I've weighed all the options. I've looked at every single scenario. I'm trying to get a good perspective on everything, so I can truly understand the situation, and make a well-informed hypothesis.

Bridgette (sarcastically): Scientist Geoff is at it again, folks. This is ridiculous. Why do you refuse to get rid of this girl you barely even know? (She pauses, her eyes scanning over him.) You know, I don't think you're a changed man at all, Geoff. Your morals are still completely skewed all over the place!

Geoff: No wait, Bridge! Don't say that! I'm a changed man! I'M A CHANGED MAN!

Bridgette: Prove it. (As she is saying this, the door to the cabin opens.)

Geoff: Fine! I will! Let's go with the plan, then! LET'S GET RID OF KATIE! (Katie, who is standing the doorway, smiles.)

Katie: Sounds like a plan. We better not tell Katie, though. (Geoff shrieks in terror at the sound of her voice, and dives underneath the covers of one of the beds. Trembling, he peeks up from beneath the blanket, and points a shaking finger at Bridgette.

Geoff: It w-was her, Katie! It was B-Bridgette's idea! Not mine!

Bridgette: Way to throw me under the bus, Geoff! (Geoff grins at her sheepishly from the bed.)

Geoff: S-sorry, Bridge! She's j-just really sc-scary!

Katie: No, it's good that you told the truth, Geoff. Truth is good. (She turns to Bridgette, feigning shock.) This really hurts my feelings, Bridgette. I thought we had a solid trust! I really believed in this alliance, too. Geoff believed in this alliance. Right, Geoff? (Geoff tentatively nods.) See? Geoff believed. But you, Bridgette. You didn't believe. That is fine. You will regret the decision, but there is nothing you can do now. It's really sad, too. We all put so much into this plan. But you didn't. And because of that, we _all _will have to suffer the consequences. Kind of unfair, don't you think?

Bridgette: Oh, stop acting like you were Ms. Commitment! You don't have me, Geoff, or DJ anywhere in your Final 4 plans! You're acting all self-righteous, when you're the biggest liar of them all! (Katie turns to Geoff, who is now slightly peeking out from under the covers.)

Katie: Look at the way she attacks me, Geoff! This is what it's like all the time. I try so hard to keep this team in one piece, and her grudge against me is creating a team fracture that's hurting everybody!

Bridgette: Geoff, she's lying. When we're in private, Katie treats me like dirt!

Katie: Only because I respect you too much, Bridgette, to have you act like a bitch and ruin your reputation! (Geoff climbs out of the bed, and slowly steps forward, chuckling nervously.)

Geoff: See, Bridgette? She respects you.

Bridgette: Yet she called me a bitch in the same sentence!

Katie: Only because I respect you too much.

Bridgette: That doesn't even make sense! Next thing you know, Geoff, she'll be telling you to vote me off, out of "respect"! And who knows? You might even just listen to her! Because she's controlling you like a puppet!

Katie (sarcastically): Oh, and you don't manipulate your boyfriend _at all_.

Bridgette: I have no reason to! I'm completely honest with him.

Katie: And so am I! (They both turn to Geoff.)

Bridgette: Who do _you _believe? (Geoff stutters something.)

Katie: What? Speak up! (Geoff continues to stutter, as they both glare at him. Finally, he sprints out of the cabin in fear, strumming his ukulele wildly.)

**Confession Cam**

**Bridgette: Well, that went horribly. I can't believe Katie caught me in the act! Now she's going to be out for me, I can sense it. But you know what? I'm fine with Katie knowing I openly despise her! I'm voting for her if we lose. The more I think about it, the more I think I can easily convince Ezekiel to do so, too. I would never be able to get DJ's vote, unfortunately. But if I tell DJ to vote for Tyler, then all I need is one more vote to have the 3-2 majority over Katie! That vote must be Geoff. It's going to be difficult, but it must be done. He just needs to put his big boy pants on and make a decision! **

**Katie: Plotting behind my back while I was off slaving away over an old man's feet? That's low, Bridgette. Unfortunately, I may just have to get rid of you before I get rid of DJ now. **

**Geoff: Man, this sucks! The party was going so well, too. We were gonna rock it all the way to the finals! But now it's just a major downer, man. And who knows if it'll ever get better, with those two hating on each other all the time? WHY CAN'T WE ALL JUST PARTY TOGETHER?! (He sobs as he strums his ukulele solemnly.) **

**End of Confessionals**

**Screaming Ivy Cabin (Males)**

Trent: Girls, we must talk. Noah is going to be arriving back from the duel very shortly. Let's go over how we're going to treat him. (Lindsay, Gwen, and Courtney are sitting in the cabin with him. Izzy and Cody are nowhere to be seen.)

Lindsay: OMG, are we going to go on a shopping spree with him? We can buy him a new sweater vest! I saw this SUPER cute one in this magazine this one time somewhere!

Trent: You do have one point correct, Lindsay, even if the rest of what you just said is verbal airhead idiocy. We must treat Noah as politely as possible. He mustn't know what we know about him.

Gwen: Ooh. Trent threw in a "mustn't", folks. I think we just found the next queen of England.

Trent: "Mustn't" is a beautiful word! And it's the perfect example of how to be polite. Grammar and vocabulary is everything when you want to give off the impression of elegancy and sophistication.

Courtney: Agreed.

Trent: However, as much as we want to treat Noah with false kindness, we also need to make sure to keep him at a fair distance. Remember: he is the master at manipulation. So try to avoid him at all costs.

Gwen: How are we supposed to do that and still seem polite to him?

Trent: Just throw in a "mustn't"! Works like a charm! Try it on me!

Gwen: Please, Trent, you _mustn't_ be an ignorant asshole.

Trent: See? I'm so intrigued by your way of speaking that I didn't even notice that blatant insult! So to summarize it, we're going to act around Noah with respect, but separation. (Suddenly, they hear footsteps outside the cabin.)

Courtney: He's here. (Trent puts a finger to his lips, and everyone quiets down. Slowly, the door opens. It is, indeed, Noah.)

Noah: What's up, guy—(He screams as an ax slices down through the doorway in front of him, almost chopping his head off.)

Lindsay: YAY, it's Norbert! YAY FOR NORBERT!

Noah: WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?! (He is clutching his chest, breathing heavily.) I almost was decapitated!

Trent: Sorry. Izzy booby-trapped the door. She's roaring for your blood, dude.

Noah: Why?

Trent: I'm not sure. I mustn't not know mustn't. Damn it, I completely used the word "mustn't" wrong! (He slaps a hand to his forehead as Gwen sneers.)

Noah: Another lie, I see.

Trent: What do you mean? I'm not lying!

Noah: Let cut to the crap, buddy. I know you told Izzy about Mr. Fan. I also know you told the rest of our teammates about the fake injury. I know you've been pounding into their little heads just how heartless I am. I know everything, Trent. I'm Noah. The know-it-all. (Trent is speechless. Slowly, however, he goes from being wide-eyed with shock to smirking devilishly.)

Trent: Good. Then I won't have to waste any time acting like I respect you. You are going home tonight, Noah. No matter how hard you try, your fate will remain the same. Everybody is helping me throw the challenge today, just to get rid of you.

Noah: Seriously, dude? That's got to be the most classless thing you can do.

Trent: Don't you lecture me on class, bub!

Noah: The least you can do is at least give me a chance! (This time, Courtney speaks.)

Courtney: No. We're done giving you chances. You're the reason our team is so weak nowadays, anyway. It'll be no significant loss.

Noah: The merge is NEXT EPISODE! And you guys still care about keeping the team strong?

Trent: And that's_ exactly_ the reason why we _don't_ want you around when the merge arrives. You just confirmed that you have no plans to stick with our team once it dissolves!

Noah: No, that's not what I'm trying to—

Courtney: It's _exactly _what you're trying to say. Which is why we need you out of here before the merge, to keep our team strong going into the endgame.

Noah: Do you even hear how ridiculous you sound right now? You're literally saying that to be strong going into the merge, we should throw the final challenge so that we have less people! (He turns to Gwen.) You can't possibly agree with that principle, do you? Are you helping them with this? (Before Gwen can speak, Trent cuts in.)

Trent: Yep. Yes she is. She's just as pissed off as the rest of us. Now please, Noah. I have one request. Just accept that you've lost. Don't try to prevent the inevitable. You'll be at peace with yourself, so when your time comes tonight, you can quietly leave without causing any issues. And who knows? Maybe you'll go on a Redemption Cabin run. You don't have any athletic ability, but maybe you can fake an injury and get a few byes.

Noah: No.

Trent: Huh?

Noah: No way. You think I'm going to just climb into the coffin for you and die? Not a chance. I'm going to give you the fight of your life. And if I survive today, you will officially go down as the guy who couldn't get a single plan to work for him during the pre-merge. Book it. Pun intended. (Noah then turns and starts heading out the door. The moment he steps out onto the balcony, a loud voice is heard from outside.)

Izzy: THERE YOU ARE! (Suddenly, a lasso goes flying at him, wrapping around his neck and pulling tight. Noah is then yanked out of sight, screaming as Izzy laughs. Trent chuckles at this.)

Trent: What a loser. Ow! (He rubs his arm where Gwen just punched it.)

Gwen: Why'd you tell him I was helping you throw the challenge? I told you that's not how I work!

Trent: Hm.

Gwen: What? Why are you "hm"ing?

Trent: I just think you should be a little more willing to go with the group, considering that once Noah's gone, you technically won't have an alliance anymore.

Gwen: Is that your way of convincing me to do as you say? Specifically telling me I'm not in your alliance plans?

Trent: You _can _be in our alliance plans, Gwen! If you help us throw the challenge. Otherwise, technically, you were on Noah's side. Therefore, you are on the outside, and must be terminated.

Gwen: You know, I have plenty of leverage too, Trent. You think you still have numbers? I can easily get both Lindsay and Cody to vote for _you_. (Trent's eyes flash.)

Trent: Not a good idea, Gwen. I really don't understand why you're doing this. For once, the target isn't on your back; yet you choose to bring it back on yourself for no apparent reason!

Gwen: I just believe in treating humans a certain way. And that display of attitude towards Noah was rude and uncalled for. I don't care if he lied to the team about his injury! You've done plenty of horrible things yourself! Yet Noah isn't plotting to throw the challenge to get rid of _you_!

Trent: Whatever, Gwen. You can fight the power all you like. But I know you're a conformist at heart. (Suddenly, Chris voice booms out of the intercom system.)

Chris: Attention, all Olympic athletes! Are you ready to test your strength, agility, and wits? Head on down the path to the Redemption Cabin Arena, where your trials await you! Who will win the gold? And who will… darn, I can't come up with another question. Whatever. JUST MOVE IT! (As the Screaming Ivies shuffle out of the cabin, Trent comes up behind Gwen.)

Trent: Your choice, Gwen. Either throw the challenge or not. Gain a powerful alliance or not. You have just a little more time to decide.

**Confession Cam (Janitor Closet) **

**Gwen: Remember back in Total Drama World Tour, when Courtney was doing whatever she could to get me off that plane because I kissed Duncan? Well, this treatment that Noah's been getting for what he did is giving me some pretty heavy déjà vu of what happened to me in season 3. I feel for Noah. I know what it's like to be constantly bashed, just because of one simple mistake you made. And frankly, I still would much rather see Trent or Courtney go home. However, if I help Noah out, then I could go right back to being in that situation, where everyone's out to get me. Is it a risk I'm willing to take? **

**Trent: I hope Gwen can get her priorities straight sooner rather than later. Even showing Noah the slightest bit of mercy is too much. We need to completely crush his hopes. **

**Noah: Well, this is wonderfully ironic. To stay alive in this game, I have to single-handedly win today's immunity challenge for a team that is out to get me for faking an injury so I wouldn't have to compete in challenges in the first place! And having Izzy ambushing me every second is certainly not going to help with that. (He ducks as a knife flies through the window and whizzes past his face, before lodging in the wall next to him. Noah stares at the weapon, stuck handle-deep into the wood of the wall, before turning back to the camera.) This show is filled with so much love, isn't it? **

**End of Confessionals **

**Chris and Chef's Garden of Love**

Ezekiel: Heh heh… doy… (Smoke is now surrounding him from all sides, as the marijuana plant continues to burn away, now a giant ball of fire. Ezekiel is completely high off of the fumes, stumbling around blindly.)

Ezekiel: The Spy of the Night… has never felt… more alive, eh… heh… heh… WHEEE… (Meanwhile, Chef is sprinting through the smoke cloud, waving around his baseball bat and coughing.)

Chef (his eyes watering): Where are you? WHO DID THIS?! (He swings his bat through the air, clearing away the gray clouds of smoke in front of him and revealing the silhouette of Ezekiel.) YOU! I KNEW IT! I'll get you, you prick! (He runs forward and smashes his bat down onto Ezekiel's head, knocking the prairie boy out cold. As Ezekiel's body drops like a sack of rocks, the box of matches falls out of his pocket. Chef picks up the box, stares at it, and then looks grimly down at Ezekiel.)

Chef: You're in a whole lot of trouble, homeschool. You just entered a world you seriously don't want to be a part of. When the shipment doesn't arrive on time, you're gonna have to answer to the boss. And then you might as well consider yourself f**ked. Although I don't know why I'm still talking to your unconscious body. (With that, he drags Ezekiel away.)

**Redemption Arena (Olympics Style)**

Chris: Are you ready, my athletes? (He stares forward at the two teams, who are sitting in the stands. Behind him sits a bunch of athletic equipment, ranging from shot-puts to javelins to giant wrestling mats.) Today is the day you will rise up and fight for your glory. It is time for the main Olympic event! The ultimate Greek immunity challenge! Just like in the previous Greece episode, we are going to have a series of one-on-one duels. Each person will go up against someone from the other team. The winner of the duel not only earns a point for their team, but also gets a stylin' gold medal that they can use to pick up chicks. Cody, take note. (Cody sighs.) With that in mind, let's get this party started!

Katie: Now hold on a second, Chris! How is this going to be fair? The Killer Redwoods' numbers are severely depleted right now! We only have three people here, while they have seven!

Chris: Well, where'd all your other losers go? Where's Ezekiel?

Katie: That's a good question, Chris. Ezekiel went to _your _Redemption Cabin duel. Yet he never returned! Care to inform us of what happened to him? Or more specifically, what closet you have him bound up and gagged inside of?

Chris: You're wrong, sister. Ezekiel never showed up at the duel! (Katie turns to Noah.)

Katie: Do you know what happened, forehead?

Noah: Um… let's just say he had some other plans in mind. I would recall what happened next, but I still get PTSD just thinking about it.

Katie: Great. So he's probably off doing something completely illegal and stupid right now. Why does Ezekiel feel the need to go M.I.A. at least once every episode?

Chris: Ezekiel's a passionate guy, Katie. He reminds me a lot of myself. But shouldn't you at least have Tyler and DJ? What happened to those two?

Katie: Chef stuffed them in the confessional and launched them into the clouds! Speaking of which, you need to fire that clown as soon as possible. Do you want to know what he put us through while you were gone?

Chris: I would sooner fire a bullet through my brain than fire Chef.

Courtney: That's… kind of an overreaction.

Chris: I'm just telling it like it is. (Suddenly, everyone hears screaming from above. They look upwards, and see a tiny speck, hurtling down towards the Arena. Slowly, it gets bigger and bigger, until everyone realizes it is the uprooted Confessional.)

Chris: Looks like our friends DJ and Tyler have decided to drop in! Ha, I'm hilarious. Get it? "Drop in"? Because they're falling to their deaths? Ha! That's a side-splitter. Though seriously, we should probably run for our lives. (As the outhouse comes closer into view, the campers can just make out a red speck, standing on top of the Confessional. The red speck is cheering wildly and pumping its fists.)

Bridgette: Wait a minute. TYLER?!

Tyler: TO… THE… EXTREME! (Meanwhile, DJ is trying to pull Tyler back inside from the roof.)

DJ: Tyler, get back in here! You're crazy!

Tyler: Come out here with me, DJ! It's such a rush! WOO!

DJ: We're about to crash into the ground!

Tyler: Don't be a baby! That sounds epic! Let's do it! ALL RIGHT! (He jumps down on top of the roof, making the outhouse gain speed towards the Arena.)

Chris: EVERYONE DUCK AND COVER!

DJ: I tried to warn you, dude! (With that, he shuts the door to the confessional and locks it. Tyler, meanwhile, is dancing around like a madman atop the single-person bathroom.)

Tyler: ADRENALINE, BABY! (Everyone has now hidden in the stands, huddling under the seats. As the outhouse hurdles closer and closer, it starts to catch fire from the pure velocity. Tyler finally notices this when he sees his pants are in flames.)

Tyler: Gah! (He quickly rips off his pants, and hurls them towards the ground. Lindsay, Geoff, and Cody have to jump out of the way to avoid getting hit by the flaming pants, which then land in the center of the Arena. Slowly, the fire starts spreading outwards towards the stands.)

Chris: NO! NOT MY BEAUTIFUL ARENA! (He runs over to the growing fire, and frantically starts trying to stamp it out with his foot. After many thrusts, he finally puts out the last of it, and sighs.)

Chris: Ahh… that was close one. (Right after he says this, the outhouse lands on his head, crushing him underneath it. The moment it hits the ground, the Confessional explodes, sending shards of wood and glass flying into the stands. Everyone screams as they are pelted by the flying parts of the Confessional. Meanwhile, in the center of the Arena, the smoke slowly clears away, revealing DJ, crouched on the toilet and trembling. Slowly, he opens his eyes. He feels himself from head to toe.)

DJ: I… I'm alive? I'M ALIVE! (Tyler, meanwhile, is on the ground, scorched black. He opens his eyes as well, and starts crying with joy.)

Tyler: I'm alive too! (The two of them run to each other and embrace.)

DJ and Tyler: WE'RE ALIVE! WE'RE ALIVE! (They jump up and down with joy, holding each other in their arms. Finally, they stop, and Tyler smiles at DJ, his eyes filled with tears.)

Tyler: DJ, I'm sorry. For everything, man. We shouldn't have fought. Look what almost happened! We shouldn't be enemies, we should be bros! After all, we're the two best athletes in the game. If we work together, we can kick butt!

DJ: Tyler, I'd like nothing more than that. Well, that's not true. But it's nice for you to finally realize I DID NOTHING WRONG!

Tyler: Hey, don't get sassy with me mister. But I still love you, man! (They embrace again. Courtney, meanwhile, is peeking up underneath her seat, scowling.)

Courtney: I hate to break up this wonderful bromance, but don't you guys think you should check on the host you just flattened?

DJ: Oh damn! We forgot about Chris! (They quickly run over to where the bottom piece of the confessional sits, jammed deep into the ground and still on fire. After putting out the fire, Tyler and DJ grab onto the ends of the dismantled bathroom floor, and slowly lift it up. Underneath is Chris, his body as flat as cardboard.)

Chris: Tyler… DJ…

Tyler: It's us, dude! Thank god you recognize us. I think you're going to be okay. Heh heh. But sorry about that, man. Did you feel the rush, though?

Chris: I… will… kill… you… (Tyler chuckles, and glances up at the camera.)

Tyler: We're going to take a short break.

**Will Chris kill Tyler and DJ? And if so, will he at least do it humanely? **

**Will the Immunity Challenge even happen now?**

**And if it does, who will win? **

**Can Katie find a way to bring her team to victory?**

**Or will Noah be able to single-handedly win it himself? Ha, that's a good one. **

**What will be Geoff's decision? And Gwen's, likewise? **

**Who will be sent to Redemption Cabin to face an Alejandro that is already planning his endgame? **

**And can The Cheesebub possibly answer all these questions in just one chapter? Most likely, if you give him seven months. Because he takes f**king FOREVER to update! **

**See it all right here on the next YOLO-filled chapter of**

**Total Drama Returns! **

**Eliminated: Heather, Duncan, Eva, Leshawna, Justin, Sadie, Owen, Sierra, Harold, Beth**

**In Redemption Cabin: Alejandro**

**Still in the game: Noah, Katie, Cody, Trent, Lindsay, Tyler, Izzy, Gwen, Courtney, Geoff, Bridgette, DJ, Ezekiel**

**Note: Sorry to all of you who were hoping Beth would win the duel. However, I believed that Alejandro would make for a better Redemption Cabin story, whether he returns or not. However, it seems like our favorite ladies' man already has a pretty big plan in motion. So, remember to review, and I just remembered that I didn't provide the voting results for last chapter, so here they are. **

**Votes:**

Izzy—Trent

Gwen—Courtney

Cody—Trent

Noah—**Beth**

Lindsay—Courtney

Beth—Courtney

**Beth: 1**

**NEXT TIME: **The immunity challenge takes a crazy turn when a twist brings a former athletic competitor back to wreak revenge on their team for voting them off, making one man's goal of winning so very much harder. Plus, a betrayal so shocking, you probably saw it coming.


	39. Day 12 Part 3:The Olympian's Final Stand

The Cheesebub's Message: Well, I said I'd have an update by the end of January. No update. Then I promised a February update. Still, no update. Now it is April. Oops. Sorry about that. Hopefully, someday I won't have to constantly apologize for my mistaken update promises. Anyways, this is the final chapter of the premerge, and I hope you enjoy. By the way, I have recently gotten an account on DeviantArt. It would be awesome for you to check that out. I've done some stuff for this fic over there, as well as other things. My username is TheCheesebub, of course. Also, since the number of reviews for this fic has increased so much, I now will make my responses much briefer (although I'll make sure to answer any questions you have).

**DragonBounce—**Glad you liked the chapter. Now that I realize it, Cody's jizzing was, in fact, a reference to Lonely Island. I didn't realize where I had the line in my head from at the time, but I guess that's where it came from. Thanks for reviewing!

**the house master—**Yep, you guessed correctly. Eva will be making a guest appearance this chapter. And yes, everyone who's left who will be in Season 2 (if there is one… right now I just need to finish this). Thanks for reviewing!

**xebla—**Sorry, that was just a really Chef-centric chapter. He cools off a bit in this one, and he'll be less significant for a while. Thanks for the review!

**RedEyedWarrior—**Glad you liked all those parts of the chapter. I agree, Trent is out of control, and yeah, Izzy definitely had the best shrine. You came up with some very plausible scenarios there for what could happen. You'll just have to see how it turns out! Glad you liked Chef's participation. I tried out some of those stories you recommended, and I really liked them. Thanks for that! And I'll try to get faster updates!

**20percentcooler—**Thanks! I'm glad you think it's worth the wait. Thank you for the review!

**Total Drama Fan—**Yes, I think there will be some TDROTI characters at one point in the fic. I just need to find a nice way to fit them in. Trent would love the review because… the date was 1/4/13, and 1+4+1+3 adds up to 9? Just a guess. Thanks for reviewing!

**P0sitiveZer0—**The best compliment I can receive is when somebody tells me that I made them laugh. Hopefully you don't die, however. Thanks for the review!

**jayne'z star—**Sorry about your computer. Thanks for the review!

**noco fan—**Interesting suggestion! I'll take it into consideration. Thank you for reviewing!

**Guest—**Um… yeah. Cody and Gwen. Thanks for reviewing!

**SHABAMZ—**I hope this chapter meets your extremely high expectations. There will definitely be some hilarious Tyler and Trent moments coming your way very soon. Interesting predictions. I'm really happy you thought that was worth wait, hopefully you feel the same way about this one! Thanks for the review!

**TotalDramaWreck—**Wow, I never noticed the parallels! Nice one! I agree, the canon writers waste Noah's potential. Thank you for the review!

**tdangie—**Once again, sorry I couldn't follow through on my update promise. I'm hoping you'll forgive me and enjoy this chapter! I've always dreamed of being a writer, but a show producer sounds even better. Unfortunately, each episode of my show would probably end up being about three hours each. Thank you for reviewing!

**TDBigJ1213—**You've got another hour of reading coming your way, because this is another really long chapter. Hopefully it's another hour of awesomeness. Thanks for the congratulations! I can't believe it's been two years since this all started.

**26letters—**Aw, shucks. This was a really flattering review. And since you left a bunch of questions, you'll get a bunch of answers! 1) My favorite canon couple is Gwent. That's always been my favorite. 2) My favorite fanon couple is Gwody, because I just really want Cody to finally have some success for once. 3) When it comes to the Revenge of the Island cast, there are some I really like, such as Brick, Dawn, and Mike, and others I'm not a huge fan of, such as Scott, Staci, and Zoey. The rest I'm kind of neutral towards. It was a solid cast, in my opinion. 4) Gotta say… probably potatoes, just there's so many more things you can do with a potato compared to with a banana. 5) I have, in fact, had the story planned out since the first chapter. However, the plotlines have certainly shuffled around, as I've experimented with what works and what does not. 6) That's a tough one. For me, probably episode 9. I really liked the challenge for the episode, as well as the dynamics on both teams. 7) I am not a brony, as it so happens, but I understand why they're into the show. 8) My favorite TD story aside from this? Well, actually, this fic is probably not even in my top ten. My favorite has got to be anything by the Kobold Necromancer. Seriously, he's incredible. Thanks for the review, and I hope I answered your questions sufficiently!

**WinnieCocoaFlip—**Finally, some honest criticism! Thank you for telling me the truth. It's true that I've warped many of the characters. It's something I need to work on. However, Beth does, in fact, live on a farm, and does, in fact, have a pig named Big Bertha. I'm not just making this stuff up. Go look at her bio on the Total Drama Wiki. I've taken into consideration your comments on my review responding, and I'll try to shorten the responses to take up less room. It's true, script format is not a good thing to do if you want to write professionally. However, this is a very dialogue-oriented story, and I believe script format works slightly better for that. At least, that's what I tell myself… :P. You certainly weren't rude. Thanks for the honest review!

**Snowsky—**Over by the fountain, please :P. Just kidding! Please, I don't deserve a temple. But thanks for the compliment!

**Guest (who I'm assuming is the same person)—**Don't worry, Courtney doesn't kiss Gwen. Thanks for the multiple reviews!

**Thatonereader—**Unfortunately, there was no update in February. I'm glad you aren't mad about it. Lindsay as your winner pick? I like it. Thank you for reviewing!

**TheImpossiblyAwesomeWriter—**Love the username. I wish I had your confidence, man. I enjoyed both the stories you suggested to me (one of which, I see, was written by you). Thanks for reviewing!

**Specs—**That sounds like quite a nightmare. Thanks for the review!

**Day 12 Part 3—Chapter 39: The Olympian's Final Stand **

**Playa de Losers (Room 3)**

Eva: Huh… ungh… huh… ungh… (She grunts to herself as she repeatedly lifts a three-hundred-pound barbell from her chest. With every thrust, the muscle girl gets angrier and angrier, and begins to mutter to herself.)

Eva: Stupid… backstabbing… fame-mongers… (She grinds her teeth in rage, sweat now pouring down her face.) I was the strongest… AND THEY SENT ME PACKING! But they'll all pay… AND THEIR BLOOD WILL SHOWER UPON ME! YAAAHH! (With a primordial yell, she hurls the barbell as hard as she can, so hard that it flies from her hands. The weight crashes through the window of Eva's second-story bedroom, and flies down towards the pool area. Justin, meanwhile, is lounging in one of the beach chairs, sun-tanning. Covering his eyes are two cucumber slices, and he has what appears to be kitchen grease smeared all over his face and body.)

Justin: Ahh… finally, some time to sunbathe. It's been so long since I've gotten to do this… Chris never let us do anything fun back on that stupid show… But now, it's just me, the sun, and my erection from being in the sun! And it feels so nice… I'm practically getting a skin-gasm! (Harold, who is sitting next to him in a pool chair and fiddling with his Nintendo DS, nods in agreement.)

Harold: Ah, the wonders of UV radiation. Did you know that your blood vessels are shattering as we speak with every second you remain unexposed? Plus, with every extra minute you spend in the sun once receiving your daily dosage of 200 IU, your chances of contracting melanoma increase ten-fold. How cool is that?

Justin: Oh, whatever! Skin cancer is totally the new thing, anyway. Now shut up. Your voice is literally sucking the sexy out of me. (He leans back, wiggling his pectoral muscles up and down.) Ahh… time for a beauty nap. (Suddenly, he is launched from his seat as the barbell lands on the foot of his chair, flipping his chair over and catapulting the model's body into the pool. Justin splashes around, screaming in terror, even though he is in just six-inch-deep water.)

Justin: No! NOT CHLORINE! It makes my hair stringy and gross! SOMEBODY SAVE ME! (Nobody in the pool area pays attention to him, however. Heather is filing her nails, Duncan is listening to his iPod at full volume, Leshawna is in the hot tub with Beth, and Sierra and Sadie are sobbing about Cody and Katie, respectively.)

Justin: Please… anybody… (Suddenly, the door to the pool-supply closet slams open, and Owen runs out.)

Owen: I will save you, my Justin! (Justin turns to face the fat boy in horror.)

Justin: What the…?! I thought I locked you in there! How did you get out?

Owen: Your sultry, heavenly voice gave me the strength to break free! And now I will rescue you, and perform CPR and bring you back to life!

Justin: No wait—

Owen: CANNONBALL OF LOVE! (Eva watches from her bedroom window as a giant tidal wave washes over the entire pool area in all directions, soaking everyone. When the water drains away, everyone is on the ground, moaning and cursing and spitting out water. Owen and Justin lay at the bottom of the pool, their limbs twisting in all different directions as they groan in pain. Eva smiles with satisfaction.)

**Confession Cam**

**Eva: Serves those shallow idiots right. The people here are so stupid and naïve, I tell you. All they do is hang out by their little pool, acting like mindless little bubbles of reality show disgrace! It's like the moment they were voted off from the game, they had short-term memory loss, and forgot that they were **_**voted off**_**! They're completely oblivious to the fact that they missed out on chance for one hundred thousand dollars, because of their backstabbing teammates! (She smiles evilly.) But **_**I**_** haven't forgotten. The moment I was sent here, I made sure to get my hands on the voting confessionals, so I could see who from my team was stupid enough to vote for me. And guess who it was? Courtney and Trent, who were **_**supposed **_**to be in my alliance, along with Cody and Gwen, who were **_**supposed **_**to be smart! Let's just say, I'm not too happy with those people. **

**End of Confessionals**

Eva: You know, I think I'm in the mood for a game of darts. (Eva backs away from the window, and walks over to her bed. She picks up a pile of multicolored darts. With a roar, she then starts hurling them at a giant picture of Courtney she has taped up on her door. Each one is right on target, puncturing the Type A's face. Eva cackles as the final dart buries itself right between Courtney's eyes.)

Eva: HA! HOW MUCH OF A C.I.T. ARE YOU NOW, BITCH?! NOT MUCH OF ONE AT ALL! UNLESS **C.I.T. **STANDS FOR **C**OCKSUCKING **I**DIOT for **T**RENT! BECAUSE THAT'S ALL YOU ARE! Speaking of Trent… (She walks over to her closet, and takes out an inflatable dummy of Trent. She sizes it up, grinning at it.)

Eva: Well, well, well… if it isn't our backstabbing buddy, Trent. You know, Trent, I actually had a small crush on you at one point. After all, your face was quite attractive. Probably one of the better faces on the island. (She promptly rips his head off.)

Eva (tossing the disembodied dummy head off to the side): But it's even better for dismembering. Who's next? Ah, yes. (She takes out a javelin, and hurls it right through the center of a Cody beanbag chair that Sierra gave her. She watches with triumph as the grainy filling inside of the chair starts to spill out, relishing the sight of its innards.)

Eva: And now for our good friend Gwen. (She takes out a bouncy ball shaped like Gwen's head, and slams it into the floor so hard that it explodes. Eva grins at the wreckage around her, which consists of Courtney's puncture-laden face, Trent's headless body, a deflated mess that used to be Cody, and a scorch mark where Gwen hit the ground. She breathes heavily, savoring the moment.)

Eva: Oh, yes… Revenge feels so sweet… And when I get my _actual _revenge, it will be so much sweeter… and so much messier… (She starts to cackle again, when suddenly, she is interrupted by a knock at the door.) WHO DARES INTRUDE UPON THE EVA?!

Beth (from outside the door): You know, you'd probably have a lot more friends if you didn't yell "Who dares intrude upon the Eva" at the top of your lungs every time someone gets within one hundred yards of you.

Eva: Do you really think I care about friends? On my list of importance, "friends" is somewhere between cockroaches and particles of dead skin floating through the air. Now what do you want?

Beth: I was just checking to see if you were dead or something. You haven't left this room in over 96 hours, you realize. What have you been eating to stay alive? (Eva's brow furrows at the question, and she walks over to her window, staring out at the waves crashing upon the sand at the beach below. Slowly, she speaks.)

Eva: I feast only on the thought of revenge. The thought of gory triumph. The thought of one day standing over Trent's lifeless body as his blood slowly seeps out of his wounds and sinks into the soil, his pitiful life slowly draining away into oblivion. (Beth pauses for a long time.)

Beth: …Are you sure you don't just want some pizza?

Eva: NO! _Pizza_, I'll have you know, is Courtney's fifth favorite food! And I refuse to feast on the food of the enemy!

Beth: Now hold on a second, Eva. This is getting ridiculous. Sure, you have a right to hold a grudge against our team. But only for a so long!

Eva: Your point?

Beth: Well, if we're measuring by the Cheesebub Update Time Scale, it's been two years since you were voted off!

Eva: Your point?

Beth: Don't you think it's time to move on?

Eva: It'll be time to move on when Cody's bony butt is plastered to my mantelpiece, roasting above my fireplace.

Beth: This is crazy! I mean, sure, everyone is a little grumpy when they're voted off. But they don't proceed to lock themselves in their room and slowly undergo a violent mental breakdown! And besides, you can't be that surprised that you got the boot. You were the reason we lost that challenge back in episode 3. Remember? You got stuck in the quicksand!

Eva: I wasn't the only reason for the loss! It was that prick Noah, too!

Beth: Yeah, but he kept his cool afterwards. You, meanwhile, threw a gigantic temper tantrum. Maybe if you hadn't been such a poor sport, we would've gotten rid of him, instead! That just proves that getting angry never helps. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?

Eva: Yes. Yes I do.

Beth: That's great! I'm so—

Eva: Noah is the one I must destroy.

Beth: Wha-..? No, that's not what I—

Eva: Thank you, Beth. I finally understand who my top enemy is now.

Beth: Eva, please! You're losing it! Can't you see that we all want to help you get over your issues? And revenge is not the way to do it! Friendship is the only true solution! Friends apart are just ordinary people. But when two friends become united as one, their bond can singlehandedly fight through the darkness and corruption of evil and bring a new vibrancy and light to the world! If everyone can just learn to forgive one another, I think we canAHHHH! (The floor panel underneath Beth springs upwards, launching her through a hole in the ceiling and off into the distance of the tropical jungle.)

Eva (dusting a large red button on a remote control): Hmm? Oh, sorry about that. My ejection button needed a little cleaning. (She cackles.)

**Confession Cam**

**Eva: Out of all of Chris's sadistic techniques, I probably enjoy the ejection panel the most. It's efficient, yet arrogant. The perfect tool to tell a person that you really don't want them around. Yeah, that's the main reason why I installed one underneath my door mat. The possibility of severe injuries is just an added bonus. **

**End of Confessionals**

Eva (breathing heavily): Huh… huh… (She is now running on her treadmill, her iPod blasting Eminem at full volume. Suddenly, there is a knock at the door. Eva snarls, and presses "pause". She stops the treadmill, and listens. There is another knock.)

Eva: You have got to be kidding me. (She stomps over to the door, and throws it open.)

Eva: WHEN SOMEBODY LITERALLY HAS TO EJECT YOU FROM OUTSIDE THEIR DOOR, BETH, IT USUALLY MEANS THEY DON'T WANT YOU AROUND! TAKE A F**KING SOCIAL HINT, WHY DON'T YOU—(She is cut off as a sack is stuffed over her head. Before she can do anything, two interns barge into her room, and grab her legs. Eva swears from inside the bag, flailing around wildly. Quickly, the interns shove the rest of her body inside, and quickly tie up the opening. Eva's body wiggles around ferociously against the fabric, as she screams her head off.)

Eva: BETH, IF THIS IS YOUR IDEA OF FRIENDSHIP, I'LL BE GLAD TO RETURN THE FAVOR! AUUGGHH! (Together, the interns pick up her sack-covered body, one grabbing her feet, one grabbing her torso, and troop out of the room. Meanwhile, over at the pool, the ex-contestants have just finished drying off.)

Heather: Ugghh… These were my new shoes, too!

Duncan: Hey, I wouldn't complain, woman. At least we're not those guys. (He beckons to Owen and Justin, who are over at the other end of the pool, lying in a beach chair. They have both been shoved into a one-person body cast, pressing their bodies tightly together at an awkward angle. Justin is literally starting to sink into the fat boy, snoring into Owen's armpit. Suddenly, his eyes burst open. He notices where his face is.)

Justin (muffled): MMPPHH! (He turns his head away enough from Owen's girth to speak.) WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? (Owen is just able to free his arm from the constricting embrace of the body cast to wag a finger at the model.)

Owen: Now, Justin, please! This is a family show! You're supposed to throw in two of those cute little asterisks when you drop an F-bomb! Like this! F**k! See?

Justin: I will swear uncensored all I like, thank you very much! Why are we in a body cast? TOGETHER?

Owen: When I saw you drowning, I kind of… cannon-balled into the pool to save you.

Justin: And what happened?

Owen: We suffered from nearly-fatal injuries, silly! What do you think happened?

Justin: But that doesn't explain why they put us in the SAME BODY CAST! Why not separate ones?

Owen: There was only one available! But guess what, Justin? I saved your beautiful life!

Justin: More like ruined it! My body is being bent right now in a way that will completely ruin my gorgeous spine!

Owen: Oh, c'mon, Justin! This could be fun! It'll be like one big sleepover!

Justin: ONE BIG SLEEPOVER? (He starts to cry.)

Owen: Oh, and that reminds me… (He lets loose a thirty second torrent of farts.) I was holding that in until you woke up. Didn't want to wake you from your beauty nap, you know?

Justin: BEAUTY NAP? IS THAT WHAT YOU CALL IT? MY FACE JUST SPENT THE LAST HOUR MAKING OUT WITH YOUR SWEATY ARMPIT!

Owen: Yeah, my sweat's a really great face moisturizer, huh? It's also great for putting on hamburgers. You should try it some time. (Justin barfs all over Owen's face. Owen chuckles.)

Owen: Hey, thanks! My face needed some moisturizing, too! We can be beautiful together! (Heather and Duncan are watching this with disgust.)

Heather: You have a point. (Suddenly, two interns walk by, carrying a flailing, screaming sack along with them. Heather and Duncan watch as they carry it down towards the beach. Duncan turns to Heather.)

Duncan: Does that seem at all suspicious to you?

Heather: What, the fact that we've never seen those two men here in the time that we've been here, that they were holding what looked like a kidnapped human body, or that Eva is now missing?

Duncan: All three of them.

Heather: Probably. But why should we care?

Duncan: True that. (With that, they walk off in the direction of the hot tub.)

**Back at Camp**

Chris: Hmm? What's that you say? Oh really! (He is wearing a Bluetooth in his ear, and is having a conversation with someone on the other end. Chris listens for a moment, before grinning and rubbing his hands together.) Perfect… I can already taste the ratings…

Gwen: Oh no. This does not sound good.

Chris (speaking to the person on the other end): Huh? What'd you say? Who's that in the background? Oh, that was just Gwen with her well-timed sassy comment. (He puts his hands on his hips as he listens to the man at the other end.) I know, right? These campers have no respect for me! Even after all the good things I do for them. I spend all day creating fun Olympic challenges for them, and they respond by crushing me beneath an outhouse. (He chuckles as he listens.) You're so funny, Pablo. Yes, I'm sure I'll be alright. No, I do not need therapy. But the special surprise is arriving soon, right? Excellent. I can't wait! Finally, vengeance will be served… MUAHAHAHAHAHAH! (He throws his hands up to the sky, laughing like a mental patient. Finally, he notices the campers shaking their heads at him.)

Chris: Sorry.

Trent: Don't be sorry. You break out into evil, maniacal laughter at an awkward moment every single episode. We've all gotten used to it.

Courtney: But why _were_ you laughing? What sadistic thing do you have planned next? (Chris glances away, trying to avoid the question.)

Chris: Huh? What are you talking about? I don't have anything planned!

Cody: Dude, you were talking about a "special surprise".

Chris: Uhh... we were just talking about my… my grocery list!

Katie: Your _grocery list_?

Chris: Y-yeah. The special surprise was that there… t-that there… that there is no grocery list! (Everyone stares at him as he sweats fiercely.)

Bridgette: You are possibly the worst liar in the history of humanity, Chris Mclean.

Chris: Well… your name is Bridgette!

Bridgette: So?

Chris: So… that's my comeback. (Everyone groans.)

Geoff: C'mon, dude! Tell us the secret! We won't judge, man. We're a family here! (He puts his arms around Katie and Bridgette, and hugs them to his body.) See? Family! Right, Katie and Bridgette? (The two just scowl at each other, and Geoff sighs.)

Chris: I admit, I do sometimes get the family vibe when I'm with you kids. I kind of see you guys as my long-lost children.

Noah: Well, kidnappers do tend to develop an almost parental relationship with the children they've smuggled. I guess you're no exception.

Chris: I'm not a kidnapper! You came here out of your own free will! You were the one who signed the contract, Noah. With your own very cynical signature.

Noah: The only thing that the contract said was, "Do you want a million dollars? Sign here."

Chris: Exactly! See?

Noah: You didn't mention the fact that we'd have to spend the rest of our lives being your bitch!

Chris: Well, maybe next time you should read the invisible writing.

Noah: "Invisible writing"? Are you kidding me? Let's face it, Chris. You flat-out lied to us!

Courtney (crossing): I really don't think you have any right to lecture anyone on telling the truth, Noah!

Trent: Yeah, Noah!

Cody: Yeah, Noah!

Izzy: Yeah, Noah!

Lindsay: Yeah, Noah! (Noah smiles sarcastically at his teammates.)

Noah (rolling his eyes): Wow, you guys really know how to think for yourselves.

Courtney: It's better than thinking like a selfish jerk, Noah! Like you seem to do all the time!

Trent: Yeah, Noah!

Cody: Yeah, Noah!

Izzy: Yeah, Noah!

Lindsay: Yeah, Noah!

Chris: ENOUGH! (Everyone falls silent.) There. Thank you. As much as I love a good "Yeah, Noah"-fest, we must begin the challenge.

DJ: Man, just tell us what the secret is! I hate not knowing what's in store! (He crouches on the ground, trembling in fear.)

Chris: Fine, I'll leave it at this. You'll all learn about the "secret" soon enough. (He pauses for twenty seconds, before muttering under his breath.) And you will most likely die.

DJ: Huh?

Chris: Nothing! So, let's get to the Total Drama Olympics! For our first event, we've got a thrilling competition! First, let's have our contestants come on down. Representing the Killer Redwoods, it's… Tyler! (The Killer Redwoods groan.)

Katie: Seriously? Why do we have to start with a losing record?

Chris: Hey, why don't you have a little faith in your teammate? There's always the possibility that Tyler will win.

Tyler: GOT THAT RIGHT! (The jock lunges down from the treetops, and strikes a pose. He is wrapped up in his bed sheets, wearing them like a toga. Noticing everyone staring at him, he shrugs.) What? I thought I'd get authentic.

Bridgette: Please tell me you're wearing clothes underneath that.

Tyler: No way! If you wanna be authentic, you gotta let your Olympiads hang loose! Woo! (He takes a step forward, and in doing so, accidentally steps right down on the loose ends of his bed sheet. This makes him topple over onto his face, the bed sheets unraveling from his body in the process. Everyone turns away in disgust, except for Izzy, who licks her lips.)

Izzy: You're right… that _is _authentic.

Chris (shielding his eyes): Can somebody please get Tyler some actual clothes?

Tyler (from down on the ground): No way, man! Who needs clothes? I wear the cloak of awesomeness. The robes of perseverance. The vest of belief!

Chris: Yet you're still violating Cartoon Network's censorship rules. (He quickly turns away, and faces the Screaming Ivy team.) Now, facing off against Tyler, from the Screaming Ivy, it's… Lindsay!

Tyler: WHAT?! (He frantically wraps himself back up in his bed sheets, and sprints over to Chris.) No way, man! I can't go up against my girlfriend!

Chris (grinning evilly at him): I really don't think you have a choice, Tyler. Maybe next time you should think before flattening me and almost ruining my arena!

Tyler: C'mon, dude. I thought you'd be over that by now! Like Beth said over in that Playa De Losers segment! You can't hold a grudge forever!

Chris: It's been five minutes since it happened. But that's beside the point. The truth of the matter is that I'm doing these matches based on athletic ability. You and Lindsay are the two worst challenge competitors on your respective teams when it comes to hand-eye coordination, endurance, and quick wits, the necessary traits for being an Olympic athlete. (Tyler grins proudly.)

Tyler: Thanks, man. It's nice to finally get some rep for my awesomeness!

Chris (turning to the campers in confusion): Did he even comprehend a word that I just said?

Courtney: You do realize that whenever you speak, all Tyler ever hears is, "Tyler is awesome".

Tyler: Hey, thanks, Courtney! I appreciate it! I _am _awesome! (He turns to Chris.) Fine, I'll do it. But only because I'm awesome.

Chris: You're certainly "special", Tyler, and I'll leave it at that. But will being a retard cut it for our friend Tyler as he takes on his girlfriend? Let's find out! So come on down, Lindsay's boobs- erm, I mean, Lindsay! (Noah places a hand on the shoulder of Lindsay, who is looking very confused.)

Noah: You know what to do, right? You have to win, or I'm in some serious trouble. You wouldn't want me to get voted off, would you?

Lindsay: I don't know… are you Tyler?

Noah: Um… yes. Yes I am.

Lindsay: THEN I KNOW WHAT TO DO! (With a look of determination, she gets up from her seat, promptly trips over the seats in front of her, crashing down onto the ground of the arena. Noah chuckles nervously, and calls down at her.)

Noah: Yeah… uh… nice job! That's a good way to warm up! You've got this! Heh heh… (He sighs, and places his head in his hands.)

**Confession Cam**

**Noah: I'm f**ked. **

**End of Confessionals**

(Lindsay is now lying face down in the mud, only semi-conscious. Tyler screams when he sees her, and starts to run over to help her up. However, he is halted by Katie, who scowls at him.)

Katie: Don't even think about it. She's the enemy! And frankly, you've been screwing up too much lately, Tyler. Even for your idiotic standards. We need to win, and we can't let your stupid "showmance" get in the way of that! (She beckons to Lindsay, whose eyes are rolling around in their sockets as she lies crumpled on the ground.) Here's a lesson for you, Tyler. See that? That is what we call a severe concussion. Lindsay, the receiver of this severe concussion, is your opponent. Severe concussions can cause an inability to perform physical activity without collapsing in a pile of vomit. You two are competing in a physical activity. Therefore, severe concussion=_GOOOOOOOOD. _Do you understand me?

Tyler: Uhh... sure. Concussions and vomit and Lindsay and _GOOOOOOOD_.

Katie: Close enough. (She sighs, smiling.) There. That's better. Don't you feel satisfied? I don't know about you, but I certainly feel satisfied. I think we can all—(She is cut off by Tyler's hand slamming into her face as he pushes past her, before sprinting over to Lindsay. Once the jock gets to his dazed girlfriend, he takes her hand, and gazes lovingly into her eyes.)

Tyler: Are you okay, babe?

Lindsay: Ow… (She clutches her forehead, and suddenly, it swells up to the size of a grapefruit. Having changed to her smart personality, Lindsay smirks at Tyler.)

Lindsay: "Okay" is a very relative term. For me, "okay" is being in good health, fair financial status, and an educationally stimulating environment. For you, "okay" is the only disyllabic word that your pitiful mind can comprehend.

Tyler: Aw, I love you too, babe! (He hugs her tightly, much to Lindsay's annoyance. He then pulls away, and surveys her face.) And wow! You've changed so much since the last time I saw you! (He beckons to Lindsay's enlarged head.) Where'd you get that thing? (He inspects her forehead in interest.) You know, it kind of looks like a basketball! I LOVE basketball! (He grins, licking his lips.) It's kind of sexy, actually. I mean, it's just so… _broad _and… and _smooth_! _Mmm_… (He starts sucking on Lindsay's forehead, sloppily making out with it. Everyone cringes in disgust. Smart Lindsay, meanwhile, roars in rage as Tyler's saliva rolls down her face.)

**Confession Cam**

**Lindsay: Ugggh. Out of all of my alter ego's stupid decisions, the choice to date that… **_**thing **_**simply perplexes me beyond solution. What does Tyler bring to a relationship? He has no thought for others, and you can't even have a decent, human conversation with him for five seconds before he reverts back to talking about Lebron James' scrotum or whatever he else fantasizes about. The only positive he brings to the table is that he fatally injures himself about every five seconds, so I at least get to enjoy that. But when he thought he could just place his lips near my perfect brain? That just sent me over the edge. **

**End of Confessionals **

Lindsay (as Tyler continues to kiss away): Stop infecting the pores of my supraorbital ridge with your mephitic, jock saliva, you uncouth, ESPN-injecting, disgustingly hetero savage! (Tyler is silent for a moment, staring at her. Then he grins widely.)

Tyler: Man, I knew that I was awesome, but I didn't know I was _that _awesome! (He goes back to making out with her forehead, now making bubbling smacking noises as he chews on the flesh above her eyebrows. Everyone boos in protest, some campers turning away in complete disgust.)

Chris (shielding his eyes and cringing): C'mon, man! If you want to express your raging forehead fetish, go do it in private! But stop with the public PDAs! Please! Before I rip my eyeballs out of their sockets burn them! (Tyler gasps, and jumps up in excitement.)

Tyler: We're ripping our eyeballs out of their sockets and burning them? Is that the challenge? AWESOME! I'm an expert at that! (He turns to Lindsay, grinning proudly.) Hear that, Lindsay? I'm an eyeball-ripper extraordinaire!

Lindsay (scowling): I guess that's a good thing, considering your only other expertise is being a pathetic moron.

Chris: And that's not the challenge. We're doing Olympic events, remember?

Tyler: Oh yeah! That's right! I'm the ultimate Olympian! WOO! Let's do it! (Tyler whips out his bed sheet toga again, and cracks it through the air like a whip. However, the bed sheet comes back around and smacks Tyler in the butt, leaving a scorching red mark on his buttock. The jock screams in pain, and runs around, clutching his ass, until he smacks into two giant poles and falls onto his back, a large welt on his forehead.)

Chris (shaking his head): So much fail, in so few minutes.

Lindsay: Hmm. The same could be said in regards to every time you engage in the act of sexual intercourse, Chris. (Everyone bursts out laughing.)

Chris (blushing): Shut up! You don't know anything about that!

Lindsay: Actually, I do. I'm smart Lindsay. I know everything, including everything about your sex life, tragic and cringe-worthy as it may be. I know you lost your virginity at the age of thirty three, during which you cried the entire time. (People continue to laugh.)

Chris (grinning): Ha! I'll have you know that you're wrong on that account, "smart Lindsay". I actually lost it when I was at the young age of fifteen.

Lindsay: Yes, I guess you could say that. However, I do not believe that a toaster counts, scientifically. I'll have to check up on that the next time I browse through a Biology textbook. (Chris stutters with embarrassment as the whole crowd goes wild. Meanwhile, Tyler is still lying on the ground, when his eyes begin to open.)

Tyler: Ow… (He gets up, rubbing his head, and glares angrily at the two upright poles that he smacked into.) Hey! Who put these in the way? What the heck are these… these… these… (He scratches his head, thinking.) These… these… thingie things?!

Lindsay (sarcastically): Your vocabulary is quite admirable. They are "poles", Tyler. (She turns to Chris.) I assume we will be pole-vaulting, then?

Chris: How should I know? According to you, all I do is have sex with toasters. (He crosses his arms and sticks his tongue out at her.)

Lindsay: Real mature. Look, I'm sorry that I felt the need to state a scientific truth. If what I said really, truly traumatized you, then I can offer you a referral to a nice, non-expensive counseling service. Now, how do you say it—oh yeah. I remember. GROW A PAIR.

Chris: But I hate pears! Oranges are where it's happening! Speaking of which… (He takes out an orange and stuffs it in his mouth, chewing with content as pulp sprays everywhere.) Ahh… oranges are just what I need to get my testosterone under control.

Trent: Ha! Trust me, Chris. Testosterone is not an issue with you.

Chris: Tell me that the next time you're plucking your chest hair, Trent. (Trent scowls, as Chris turns to address Lindsay and Tyler.) As Lindsay has already stated, you two will be pole vaulting.

Tyler: Alright! I knew we would be doing basketball! Woo! Check out my thirteen-foot floater! (He pulls a basketball out of his pants and tosses it through the air. It slams into Katie's face, knocking her out cold.)

Chris: What is wrong with you? I said "pole vaulting", not "basketball"! Is the English language just some foreign, cryptic idea to you?

Tyler: You say you want to see more? Well, my jump shot may be incredible, but my sky-hook is UNSTOPPABLE! Check it! (He pulls another basketball out of his pants, and hooks it over his head with his left hand. Katie, meanwhile, is just getting up off the ground when another basketball slams into her head, knocking her out cold again.)

Chris: Geezus, will you stop already?

Bridgette (smirking at Katie's crumpled body): No, please, Tyler. I invite you to continue.

Tyler: Sure! (He pulls another basketball out his pants, and tosses it through the air. It slams into Bridgette's face, knocking her out cold.)

Chris: No! Stop already! We need to get on with the show!

Tyler: Aw, c'mon, man! Why can't we do some basketball? I wanna hit the court, man! (He pulls another basketball out of his pants and starts dribbling it.)

Chris: Where is this endless supply of basketballs in your pants even coming from? And no! Now take your fricking poles, and listen to my instructions! (Tyler grumbles to himself as he and Lindsay walk over and each pick up a pole.)

Tyler (sizing the pole up in his hands): This is LAME. (He picks it up, and then starts swinging it around. However, he quickly loses control, and in the process, the pole slams into Katie, Bridgette, Geoff, and DJ, knocking them out one-by-one.)

Chris: And just like that, Tyler takes out every single one of his teammates!

Tyler: Oops. Sorry, guys! (He waves sheepishly at them. Meanwhile, Courtney and Trent groan in unison.)

**Confession Cam**

**Courtney: How are we supposed to throw a challenge when **_**Tyler **_**over there is making it nearly impossible? It's pretty hard to fail when the other team has the chief expert on the subject! Trent and I need to figure out a strategy to deal with this. Quickly. **

**End of Confessionals**

(The Killer Redwoods are now getting up, clutching their heads in pain.)

DJ: Uggh… Momma… I… I see the light… I SEE THE LIGHT! (He falls back to the ground, his tongue flopping lazily out of his mouth.)

Katie: Tyler… (She turns to him angrily, clenching her teeth together, which two large welts on her forehead.) You better pray to Lebron James's scrotum that you win this. (Tyler swallows with anxiety.)

Chris: Alright. Now, before we begin, a little history on pole vaulting. Back in the day, poles were—

Lindsay:—used as a practical means of passing over natural obstacles in marshy places such as provinces of Friesland in the Netherlands, along the North Sea, and the great level of the Fens across Cambridgeshire, Huntingdonshire, Lincolnshire and Norfolk. Artificial draining of these marshes created a network of open drains or canals intersecting each other. To cross these without getting wet, while avoiding tedious roundabout journeys over bridges, a stack of jumping poles was kept at every house and used for vaulting over the canals. Venetian gondoliers have traditionally used punting poles for moving to the shore from their boat. (Chris stares at her.)

Chris: Umm… yeah. Anyways, nowadays, pole vaulting is a beloved event in the Olympics. The rules are simple. (He points behind him, where a bar is suspended between two giant poles.) All you need to do is find a way to get over that.

Tyler: Alright! Piece of cake! (He begins to make his way towards it, when he is halted by Chris.)

Chris: Now hold on. For one, you have to _vault _over it. And second, you only get one try.

Cody: But that's inaccurate, Chris. According to my calculations, in the Olympics, you get three tries to get over a certain height!

Chris: Well, according to _my _calculations, you have three tries to shut your geeky mouth spewing useless information before I eliminate you personally. (He smiles cheerily, and turns back to Tyler and Lindsay.) As said, you have one try. If you both pass, we move on to the next height. And then the next height. After a while, one of you is bound to fail. Now, the rules are—

Tyler: Not the Tyler! He NEVER fails! He doesn't play by any rules! LET'S DO THIS! (Before anyone can stop him, Tyler grabs his pole, and with a war cry, begins sprinting towards the height bar. Once he is about ten yards away, he thrusts the pole into the ground with a roar, and begins to vault himself upwards. However, on his way up, he trips over his shoelace, making him tumble and smack face-first into the pole instead. The pole, which is now jammed deep into the ground, bends forward from Tyler's weight, before snapping backwards, flinging him through the air. The jock crashes into a pile of workout equipment, and disappears underneath the tools. Chris sighs.)

Chris: I think we all saw that coming. Anyways, Tyler never exactly went forward, so therefore, that doesn't really count as a turn. So he still gets to go again, as long as he isn't dead. I don't really think we need to worry about that though, as he's probably going to appear out of nowhere in about five minutes, somehow perfectly fine, yelling about "fighting through adversity" and "the triumph of those that believe". Anyways, Lindsay, you're up. (As Lindsay starts to step forward, Trent calls down at her.)

Trent: You know the plan, Linds! (He winks at her. Lindsay stares at him blankly.)

Lindsay: Of course. Winning is imperative. (Trent jumps up frantically from his seat, and runs down next to her, before whispering in her ear.)

Trent: No no no! That's not the plan! Auughh, I don't know how you still can't remember! We've been over it a billion times! A trillion times, even! Literally every single line of dialogue that has exited my mouth for the past couple of chapters has been about the plan! How goddamn thick is that skull of yours? We're not going to win the challenge, we're going to purposely lose it! We need to get rid of Noah, or—(Lindsay cuts him off by placing a hand firmly across his mouth.)

Lindsay: Excuse me if this phrase is not quite grammatically correct, as I am not well practiced in the language that all the lesser, more simplistic humans like you happen to speak. However, if my knowledge is correct, I believe the phrase I am looking for is "Shut the f**k up". You are impeding on my attempt to obtain victory for our team with your late menstrual-esqe whining. (Trent is able to force his mouth through her fingers, and continues to whine.)

Trent: I'm not whining! I'm ordering you to—

Lindsay (ignoring him): Now, it has been a long time since I last did a physics problem of this classification. Pole vaulting is simply an issue of energy conversion. To successfully perform a pole vault, I need to convert my kinetic energy into gravitational potential energy at the peak of my ascent. Of course, I won't be able to achieve 100 percent conversion, due to the natural distribution of energy into heat, friction, sound, and the vibrations of the pole itself; but with my solid height and speed, my potential is probably enough to clear quite higher than that of the current level.

Trent: Um, that's great. But none of that matters, because you're going to _throw the challenge_! You hear me? (He jams a finger into her chest threateningly.) You're throwing the challenge, or else! (Lindsay continues to ignore him.)

Lindsay: Now, what would be the perfect way to gather the kinetic energy in the first place? While a full-on sprint may be my best option, I could very grow fatigued from the run, resulting in a less than adequate vertical. I must find another way to gather the energy. (She thinks for a second.) A springboard! That would be perfect! It could work as my trampoline, in a sense, in that the harder I push into it, the greater my aerial will be. And I already have the perfect springboard right with me!

Trent: Huh? What do you mean by—(He is cut off as Lindsay's feet slam roughly into his crotch, and embed there. Lindsay then forcefully pushes off from him as she vaults herself upwards, gripping the pole with determination. The blonde clears the height bar by a good four feet, landing effortlessly on the other side. Trent, meanwhile, has keeled over, moaning in a high-pitched voice. Lindsay smiles and waves at him.)

Lindsay: I believe that is an adequate answer. As it turns out, you _were _useful for something, Trent. (Trent whimpers.)

**Confession Cam**

**Trent: Well, Lindsay has just moved up in my boot list. And no, not just because she kicked me in the balls. I have balls of steel. I am not bothered. (His eyelid twitches.) But that new "Bill Nye the Science Guy" personality of hers? That's dangerous. Lindsay is supposed to be a follower. The only reason she ever makes it to the end is because she listens to what you tell her to do, and obeys like a… like a… well, dumb blonde. As long as she continues to do that, I'll let her stay. But the moment she starts throwing my name around? She's gone. Because I control this game, and nobody else does. (He pauses for a second, and then moans.) My balls… **

**End of Confessionals **

Trent: Uggh… (He slowly walks over to Courtney, clutching his groin.)

Courtney: You okay?

Trent: Yeah…I'll be fine. I have balls of steel. (A tear rolls down his face as he says this.)

Courtney: I'm sure you do. So what should we do now? It looks like Lindsay has this point for our team in the bag. And you know that being put in a deficit this early in the challenge will completely screw everything up.

Trent: Who says it's over? Tyler can still come back and win.

Courtney: Are you kidding me? "Tyler" and "win" don't even belong in the same sentence.

Trent: You're probably right. (He hangs his head for a moment. Then he gets a mischievous grin.) That is, unless, he gets some help. (Courtney smiles at him.)

Courtney: That's true. (Smiling evilly at one another, Trent and Courtney take each other's hands. The two villains then lock lips, and begin swapping saliva, almost hungrily. Gwen, who is sitting a row back from them, looks around sarcastically.)

Gwen: Anybody have a shot-put I can drop on my head to erase that image from my head? (Izzy appears behind her, a shot-put at the ready and an excited glint in her eyes.)

Izzy: Yes. (Gwen quickly scoots away from her in fear.)

Chris: Alright! So, Lindsay successfully clears the first level. Now, if I'm correct, which I always am, because I'm handsome and sexy, Tyler should be appearing any—(Tyler suddenly lunges out of nowhere, his eyes bloodshot and crazy.)

Tyler: I'm ready! The weak have fallen, and the strong have risen up! (Tyler's pants fall down as he says this, and he hastily pulls them back up.) Now I will conquer! (He runs over to the weight pile and picks up his pole, which is covered in his blood. Weighing the metal rod in his hands, Tyler breathes deeply.) The uniting of warrior and weapon… it gives me a newfound strength! BOOYAH! (He points the pole up the sky, and roars. Tyler then lowers the pole, and calms down.) However, despite this new strength, I must remember that, as the warrior, I must treat the weapon with respect. Therefore, I will caress this long, erect, and powerful pole of mine until it bends to my command. (Everyone bursts out laughing at this. Tyler glares at them, fire raging in his eyes.)

Tyler: HOW DARE YOU MOCK ME WITH YOUR HORMONAL INNUENDOS! I will show you all! (With that, he starts sprinting towards the height bar, his pole at the ready. Right before he is about to vault, he is halted by Courtney and Trent, who grab him from either side and restrain him. Tyler struggles in their grasp.)

Tyler: LET ME GO, VILE DEMONS! (Courtney smiles warmly at him, massaging his shoulders.)

Courtney: Shh… we need to be less reckless, Tyler.

Tyler: YOU NEED TO BE LESS DEMONIC, DEMON!

Trent: Now now… we're trying to help you. We know how much you want to win. And we want you to win as well. Because we care about you, Tyler.

Tyler: I sure as hell don't care about you! And I don't need your help! Tyler is fine on his own! (Courtney scowls at him.)

Courtney: Okay, let's cut to the crap. You're going to fail if we don't assist you in this. So let's be a little more reasonable.

Tyler: I'LL BE MORE REASONABLE WHEN YOU LEAD ME TO THE FIERY GATES OF HELL, DEMONS!

Trent: Listen, we—(He is cut off as Tyler punches him in the face. Courtney screams, and turns to Tyler in rage.)

Courtney: You'll pay for that! (With that, she tackles the jock, and a fight cloud ensues, Trent jumps in as well, and the three struggle on the ground, twisting into a mass of body parts.)

Tyler: I… need… to go… SOLO! (He knees Trent in the balls, thinking it is Courtney.)

Courtney: You… need… help! (She elbows Trent in the balls, thinking it is Tyler.)

Trent: My balls… (The fighting continues, getting more and more intense. Finally, Tyler breaks free from the ruckus, holding Trent upside down.)

Tyler: Ha! You can't stop me now! With my pole in hand, I'm unstoppable! (He begins to run forward, carrying Trent with him.)

Trent: Huh? (Suddenly, he understands what this means, and frantically starts flailing in Tyler's grasp.) Wait a minute! Let go of me! I'm not your pole! (But Tyler doesn't hear him. In one fluid motion, he jams Trent's head into the ground. Tyler then tries to vault upwards, but fails to get even a few feet off the ground, and his groin ends up slamming right into Trent's flailing fleet. Having lost all his momentum, he tumbles forward and face-plants in the dirt next to Trent, whose head is completely submerged in the earth.)

Chris: And Tyler fails! What a shocker. (He sighs.) That means Lindsay is our winner, and she gives the Screaming Ivy a 1-0 advantage! (Courtney yells in frustration, and throws Tyler's pole across the stadium field. It slams into Lindsay's head, making her topple over. When she gets back up, the blonde's forehead has now swelled back down to normal. Slowly and confusedly, she walks over sits back down next to Noah in the stands.)

Lindsay: Like… did we victory?

Noah: If that sentence had any grammatical validity, I would probably say yes. (He pats her on the back.) But you did it, Lindsay. Thanks to you, that's one point towards my safety. (Lindsay grins, her eyelids drooping.)

Lindsay: Yay… we had a win to win the win… (She collapses again, unconscious. Courtney, meanwhile, is trying to yank Trent out of the ground, wrapping her arms around his legs. With one final tug, she is able to break him free. Trent falls forward, his hair covered in dirt, coughing out dust. He then begins cursing loudly.)

Trent: ************************************************** ******************!

Courtney: That's good, Trent… I understand how you feel. Just let it all out.

Trent: ************************************************** ************!

Courtney: Yes. We get it.

Trent: ************************************************** *************!

Courtney: Okay, stop it already! (Trent stops swearing, and Courtney takes his hand.) It's okay, you know. It's just one matchup. There's plenty more. We have plenty of time to lose. (Trent nods.)

Trent: We can still do this, baby. Noah can still be destroyed. (The two smile at one another, before they are interrupted by Katie bursting out laughing. Trent whips around to face her.) Excuse _me_, you rude woman. Do you find this amusing?

Katie: This is hysterical. You're actually throwing the challenge? Are you kidding me?

Trent: I kid you not! Although, frankly, it really is none of your business.

Katie (shaking her head and laughing): Whatever. You're such an idiot, Trent. What sort of "strategist" throws the final challenge before the merge? And if you're going to do that, you don't announce it to everyone! My god, your incompetence as a villain is actually ridiculously amusing.

Trent (his lower lip trembling): That really hurts my feelings, Katie.

Katie: Good. It's time you finally stopped acting like you're hot stuff. You're a loser, and this "plan" proves it.

Trent: You don't understand! Noah is a cancer on my team that must be removed!

Katie: Okay, what's with you and your constant bitching about Noah? Why do you want him gone so badly?

Trent: Personal reasons, which I care not to discuss at the moment with someone I barely even know!

Katie: Okay, I get it. He has a bigger penis than you. So what?

Trent: That's not the reason! The reason is that Noah has betrayed and lied to every single one of the Screaming Ivies. It's a group decision. (Gwen rolls her eyes at this. Trent then gets a cocky grin.) And besides, based on proportional probability in relation to height, my penis is probably considerably greater in length, circumference, and density when compared to Noah's.

Katie: Okay, that description was unnecessary to include. (She turns to face Noah and smiles at him.) Noah, if you can somehow survive tonight and make it to the merge, you've got a home with the Killer Redwoods. We'll treat you with the respect you deserve. Because it's obvious your other team is giving you none.

Noah (grinning): I'll take note of that. (Trent turns to face his team.)

Trent: See guys? Now we know we can't trust Noah! He's making deals with the other team right before our very eyes! (Noah shrugs.)

Noah: What do you expect? Do you expect me to just stay with a team that wants me gone? I'm done with the Screaming Ivy. As far as I'm concerned, the teams are already disbanded. (Trent is silent, not knowing what to say.)

Trent: That's… that's good! Because, uh… we… we don't want you! Yeah. That's right. We don't want you. Heh heh. (He takes a step forward, and steps right into the hole that his head made in the ground. Trent screams and trips, before landing face-first on the ground with a crunch. Noah sighs and smirks, before opening up his book, leaning back in his seat, and beginning to read.)

**Confession Cam**

**Noah: Well, so far so good. As it turns out, Trent is even terrible at losing. Seriously, I'm starting to wonder if he's good at anything. Well, I guess he's good at being terrible at everything. That's a start. **

**Katie: My god, it seriously seems like I'm the only one who's thinking about the merge right now! Do these people not understand that they're playing a game? Any doubts I had about Trent being retarded have officially been erased by that little display right there. He actually has no idea what he's doing. (She rubs her hands together.) I'm going to have so much fun manipulating him. **

**Trent: Okay, so things are not running as smoothly as I had hoped. Noah has gained some confidence because of it. I cannot have that. I must pummel Noah's hopes into the ground. (He pauses.) But first, I must cry like a little girl. (He begins sobbing, clutching his groin in pain.) **

**End of Confessionals **

Chris: Alright. As stated before, the Screaming Ivies have the lead, at 1-0. But there's still plenty of time for the Killer Redwoods to make a comeback! Oh, and did I mention there's a consolation prize for the loser of the first challenge? The Killer Redwoods will be receiving this prize very shortly. (He grins evilly.)

Geoff: Is it cereal?

Chris: No, Geoff, it is not cereal.

Geoff: Okay. Then is it cereal?

Chris: No, Geoff, it is not cereal!

Geoff: Okay, then if it isn't cereal, then what is it? Is it cereal?

Chris: I'm literally going to shove your face in a cereal box and cut off the air supply if you don't stop talking about GODDAMN CEREAL! (Geoff pauses for a long time, completely silent. Then he speaks.)

Geoff: Cereal.

Chris: AUUUGGGH! (He is about to tackle Geoff, when he is cut off by a loud thumping noise from deep within the forest, followed by a growl. Everyone quiets down, listening. Suddenly, there is a roar from much closer by, followed by interns screaming. DJ shrieks in terror, and dives in between Katie's legs. He peeks out from between her thighs, sweating nervously.)

DJ: W-what was t-that, man?

Chris: It appears the consolation prize has arrived. (His eyes are glinting excitedly, and he is rubbing his hands together.)

Katie: Okay, then. And what is it? Enough with the poorly disguised foreshadowing, because it's barely even working. (She looks down at DJ, who is still clutching her legs in terror.) And get out from between my thighs! I'm not your mom!

Chris: My foreshadowing is not poorly disguised! I'm a master of mystery! Anyways, everyone is in for quite a surprise. You see, as the consolation prize, the Killer Redwoods will no longer have to compete at all.

Bridgette: What do you mean by that?

Chris: I will now answer that extremely generic question designed only to include you in the dialogue, my dear Bridgette. You will no longer compete, because instead, someone else will be joining your team to compete in all of the events for you. That person is a former member of the Screaming Ivy, who has returned just for today as an "exciting exclusive", if you will. (Trent immediately begins to nervously glance around, tapping his fingers together.)

Trent: Err… does this contestant happen to have a green, ruggish mohawk and an impeccable talent at stealing my airtime and my females, making me contemplate suicide in the process?

Chris: No, Trent, it's not Duncan. It's someone much worse.

Trent: Oh no. TWO DUNCANS!

Chris: No! No Duncan whatsoever. Instead, the Killer Redwoods are getting one of the strongest physical competitors to play the game. Also, as it just so happens, this competitor is still quite angry at their former teammates. Like, "dismembering is not out of the question" angry.

Trent: Ha! Like I'm afraid of any one of my loser ex-teammates. I defeated them once, and I can defeat them again.

Chris: Then I'm sure you'll be happy to welcome our good friend who seems to be right outside the arena, judging by the scent of testosterone suddenly wafting through the air. She's the girl who might be a man, might be a woman, but always likes beating people up… everyone give a warm welcome to… EVA! (Eva steps through the entrance into the Arena, a javelin clenched in her hands. The Killer Redwoods all burst into cheers, especially Tyler, who runs up and tries to hug her. Eva responds by bringing around the javelin and connecting it with the side of his face with a crack. As Tyler flies backwards, Eva steps forward into the center of the arena, heaving with rage. Chris chuckles.)

Chris: Wow. She's already angry, and we haven't even done anything to make her angry yet! I'm thinking this is going to be a fun time for all. What say you, Trent? (Eva turns to him and snarls. Trent looks at Chris, looks at Eva, and then passes out.)

**Confession Cam **

**Eva: It's really no surprise the producers asked me to come back. It's true, I'm the strongest challenge competitor there is. But that's not what I'm here for this time. I'm here to make sure that my former teammates are so shamed, humiliated, and emotionally traumatized from this experience that just by hearing my name in a sentence, they involuntarily defecate in their pants. It worked with my parents; why won't it work with them? **

**Cody: Yeah, I'm pretty psyched to have Eva back. It's just one more babe that the Code-meister can charm! I can tell that Eva's into me. It's all in the body language. Ever since she arrived, she's been eyeing me with this really hungry facial expression. It's almost like she just wants to rip off my clothes and dive into me like a swimming pool. Either that, or she's actually planning to eat me alive. (He shrugs.) Maybe that's some sort of kinky thing for her. The Code-meister doesn't judge! **

**Bridgette: I was absolutely terrified when Eva walked in through that entrance. But having her on my team for Olympic-themed challenges? I'll take it. **

**Trent: For the record, I did NOT faint. Heh, like I'm afraid of Eva! She's just a girl! I was simply, uh… taking a nap! Yeah. Because I'm so cool, I like, don't even need to be awake. Yeah. Heh heh. (Suddenly, there is a knock at the door. Trent screams, and then tries frantically to jump out the window. However, he cannot fit through. The musician desperately glances around. With no options left, he rips the roll of toilet paper from the wall and throws open the door.) **

**Trent: DON'T KILL ME! AAHHHH! I HAVE TOILET PAPER TO DEFEND ME! (He looks at the person outside the door, and sees that it is Courtney.) Oh. Heh heh. It's just you. Sorry, I got a little paranoid. (Courtney stares at him in disbelief. There is an awkward silence. Trent shrugs, and sheepishly holds up the toilet paper.) Want some toilet paper? **

**Courtney: Why am I in an alliance with you?**

**End of Confessionals**

**Chris and Chef's Trailer**

Chef: This is it. You better tell me the truth right now, or else things are not going to be pretty. And I'll know when you're lying. We can do this all night. (He stands before Ezekiel, who is tied to the chair in front of him, soaking wet and slumped over. Slowly, the prairie boy lifts his head, defiance flaring in his eyes. He speaks slowly, breathing heavily.)

Ezekiel: Seriously? You have… all… night? You really… need… a girlfriend, eh. (Chef's fists clench, and he looks like he is about to explode. However, he slowly calms down, and walks over to a countertop. He troops back over to Ezekiel, holding something behind his back.)

Chef: I've tried every torture technique I know to get you to talk. I've drenched you in ice cold water. I've held you upside down until you looked like an ugly, homeschooled tomato. I've even insulted your mom. But you still won't fess up? Then I guess I'll have to take a different approach. (He pulls the thing he grabbed from the table out from behind his back, and holds it up to the light, revealing it to be a large, juicy potato attached to a string. Clutching the end of the rope with his forefinger and thumb, Chef slowly, seductively lowers it in front of Ezekiel's face, so that it's hanging right between his eyes. Chef begins to rock it back and forth, like a pendulum.)

Chef: Mmm… now look at that. So close you can almost taste it, yet not close enough to truly enjoy it. And is this not the most beautiful potato you've ever seen? If there were a sex symbol for what the truly perfect potato would be, I'm sure it would be this one. Don't you agree? (Ezekiel nods slowly, his mouth watering.) Of course it is. Now listen. Let me start from the top one last time. You burned my marijuana plant. You had no right to do so. You also had no reason to do so. Therefore, I think you're workin' for somebody. Tell me who, and I'll give you the potato. Sound like a deal? (Ezekiel is silent for a long time.)

Ezekiel: What _kind _of potato is it?

Chef: How should I know? All potatoes look the same!

Ezekiel: Hoo' dare you. You claim this is the greatest potato of all time, yet you do not realize that there are thousands of subspecies of potatoes! THOUSANDS, EH! Each one is grown in a different climate! Each one has its own cultivation method! Each one has its own unique taste! Each one has different political views!

Chef: Yet it's still just a f**king potato.

Ezekiel: "Just a potato"? "JUST A POTATO"?! AUUGGHHH! (Ezekiel screams in anger, and breaks free of his ropes. Before Chef can stop him, he throws Chef onto the chair he was previously sitting in, and, quick as a flash, ties him up. Chef struggles against his new restraints.)

Chef: Why you little fuzzy ball-wearin' freak! You let me go this instant!

Ezekiel: Looks like the tables have turned, eh? Noo' the Spy of the Night gets to interrogate _you_!

Chef: And what could you possibly have to interrogate me about?

Ezekiel: Um… (He struggles to come up with a question.) Do you like potatoes? (Chef then bursts into tears, and slumps in his chair. Ezekiel stutters frantically.) Geez, I'm sorry, eh! I didn't know it was such a personal subject with you! (Chef shakes his head.)

Chef: It's not that. It's just that I've run out of time, and when I don't have an explanation, I'm done for.

Ezekiel: Whaddaya mean, eh?

Chef: The boss is coming any hour now, and I'll be empty-handed when they arrive.

Ezekiel: The boss? You mean Chris?

Chef: No. I'm talking about someone much worse. You wouldn't understand. You see, back in Total Drama World Tour, I was getting pretty pissed off.

Ezekiel: Yeah, me too. That season sucked, eh. It was the love triangle that ruined it for me. I've always been a Duncney fan myself. How aboot you? What are your thoughts aboot the love triangle? You strike me as Gwuncan shipper.

Chef: The only thing I ship is for all three of them to get an ass-whoopin'! And that's not the reason I was angry. I was angry because I wasn't getting a dime of salary that whole year! Chris was blowin' the show's budget on crap like Chia Pets!

Ezekiel: Aw, I love those things! They're so fun!

Chef: Sure, they're fine. But not when you're buyin' 300 hundred of 'em and surrounding yourself with them while you take a bath! Anyways, we're getting off topic. I met somebody that season who said they could help me out. They offered me a great sum of money. All I had to do was join them in the underground business.

Ezekiel: Underground? Like moles, and such?

Chef: No! We're talking illegal drug trafficking. The deal is simple. Wawanakwa Island has great soil for marijuana plants. So all I have to do is grow the marijuana here, and every month, the boss shows up to collect the harvest. But I get paid beforehand. So when I don't have the marijuana today, things are gonna get ugly. The boss is gonna expose me, and I'll get fired as a result. I'll never get a job again!

Ezekiel: Oh no! I feel so terrible, eh! It's all my fault! (He starts to sob as he unties Chef.) I just wanted to solve a mystery! I was gonna be the super spy! But now I've destroyed your life, Chef! (He grabs the cook by the shoulders and begins sobbing into his shirt.)

Chef: No no, it's my fault. I shouldn't have done what I did. But I might as well leave now, to spare myself the humiliation. (Suddenly, Ezekiel stops crying. Sniffling, he looks up at Chef, resolute.)

Ezekiel: No.

Chef: Huh?

Ezekiel: No, that's not what you're going to do. You know what the boss is? He's a bully. You've been working your butt off for him all this time, and the one time you can't come through for him, he's going to ruin your life? That soo'nds like a filthy individual to me! He's been using you, and you still won't stand up to him! You need to fight back!

Chef: I can't just stand up to the boss! I'll die! I'll—(Ezekiel slaps him across the face.) Ow!

Ezekiel: Do you know why I just slapped you across the face?

Chef: No! I don't!

Ezekiel: Hm. I don't know either. The point is, you can't tiptoe through life, Chef! You have to fight the poo'wer! (He takes Chef's hand.) We'll go meet with this "boss" person, and we'll teach him a lesson, eh.

Chef: No! That's a suicide mission! You don't understand the danger!

Ezekiel: The Spy of the Night eats danger for lunch. Along with potatoes. (He takes out the potato and bites into it.) That is a good potato, by the way.

Chef: Fine. But we'll need to go soon. The boss should be arriving any minute.

Ezekiel: Then there's not a moment to waste! Let us fly off into the night! (Before Chef can protest, Ezekiel whips out his harpoon gun, and shoots it. It lodges in the upper doorframe. He then puts his arm around Chef, while holding the gun in his other hand.) OFF WE GO! (With a whoop, he kicks off the ground. The two then swing forward, as Ezekiel cheers. His cheering is quickly cut off, however, as they slam into the closed door. They slide down it, moaning in pain.)

Chef (groaning): You really… need to stop… doing that.

**Confession Cam**

**Ezekiel: All right! My first real mission! Well, I mean, besides that one time I had to go grocery shopping for my parents, and they were all oot of milk at the grocery store. That was pretty intense, eh. **

**End of Confessionals **

**Redemption Coliseum**

Chris: So, now that we're all well acquainted with Eva, let's continue on with the challenges. Eva, if you would step over here for a moment. I know you're really excited to see your teammates. But we'll have plenty of time for that. (Eva steps away from Courtney, slips the dagger back into her pocket, and walks over to stand next to Chris.)

Eva (a crazed glint in her eye): Let's get started, then.

Chris: Alright. (He begins to massage her shoulders as he talks to the rest of the contestants.) As you can see, we have chosen to bring back Eva, just for today. This was actually a very impromptu decision. You see, the producers at the Playa de Losers noticed her having a really hard time coping with her departure from the game. She seemed to really have some deep-seeded hatred towards her past teammates. Since we at Total Drama always believe in dealing with these issues in a safe, cooperative way, we decided to bring Eva back to help her vent her frustration through healthy competition, in a hope to calm her anger. (Chris snickers at the end of the sentence as he digs his hands into Eva's shoulders.) In other words, we brought her back to exploit her fragile sanity for ratings. However, Eva has been taking anger management courses again, so maybe those have helped.

Eva: Chris, you have five seconds to quit giving me a deep tissue massage before you lose your arms. (Chris quickly retracts his hands.)

Chris: I guess not. Excellent! Now, a little update on the score, Eva: you're currently down 1-0. The first team to four victories wins. Think you can pull it off for the Killer Redwoods? (Eva just grunts, and flips him off. Chris smiles.) How articulate you are. Alright. Now, who would like to face off against Eva first? (Nobody volunteers.) Anyone? Trent it is.

Trent: What the?! Why do I have to—

Eva: What are you a baby, Trent? Does somebody need a diaper change?

DJ: Hey, thanks for reminding me! I almost forgot! (He pulls out an adult diaper, and runs off to the Confession Cam. There's an awkward silence.)

Chris: Let's try to forget we heard that. But you heard Eva, Trent. Are you a baby?

Trent: I'm not a baby! I'm a full grown man! Fine! Let's get this over with. (He walks over to the center of the arena and crosses his arms, before muttering under his breath.) It's not like I have any plans to win, anyway. (Suddenly, he feels heavy breathing down his neck. He glances backwards, and sees Eva standing right behind him, licking her lips. Trent, considerably unnerved, tries to gather his composure, and scowls at her.)

Trent: Can I help you?

Eva: You know, Trent, you have a very prominent jugular vein. (Trent quickly steps away from the buff girl, sweating nervously.)

Trent: Chris… let's hurry up with this, okay? The more we stand here, the more I think she's going to brutally murder me.

Chris: Aww, why would you think that, Trent? I think she was just giving you a compliment! How's my jugular vein, Eva? Is it sexy? (He lifts up his head, seductively exposing his neck. Eva stares at him blankly. Chris scowls, and continues.) Fine. Let's get to your matchup. You two are familiar with pankration, yes? (Trent squeals in fear when he hears the word, and shakes his head.)

Trent: Isn't that, like… the one where we… um… dance in water? (Eva's grin has stretched across her face now.)

Eva: Nope. (She is cracking her knuckles excitedly.)

Chris: Yeah… not exactly, my friend. Although I do love a good synchronized swimming competition. You know, I once was on a synchronized swimming team with Chef—

Courtney: Get on with it! Let's get to the blood splatter! (Trent whips around to face her, shocked and terrified.)

Trent: Courtney! Why would you say something like that? (Courtney chuckles.)

Courtney: Oops. Sorry, I just… get a little worked up.

Chris: So, pankration is an ancient form of martial arts. The main rule is: no rules! You just need to do whatever you can to make your opponent surrender. Sound simple enough? (Eva nods enthusiastically, while Trent looks like he is about to pass out again.) Good! Then, if you two are ready, step on into the ring! (He beckons to a large boxing ring behind him. As Trent and Eva slowly enter, Trent glances over at Courtney, who winks at him. Trent grins.)

**Confession Cam**

**Trent: At that point, I remembered something. If I just surrender immediately, then I don't even have to fight Eva! It's a win-win situation. I get to throw the challenge, which has been the plan all along, and at the same time, I don't get put in the ER! **

**End of Confessionals **

(Trent and Eva are now facing each other inside of the ring. Eva's face is bright red, burning with fiery anger. Trent, meanwhile, just shrugs, and starts filing his nails. Eva grinds her teeth in frustration at Trent's sudden lack of fear.)

Eva: What do you think you're doing?!

Trent: My nails were looking a bit uneven. I thought I'd fix that.

Eva: You won't HAVE any nails to worry about when I'm done with YOU!

Trent: Sure thing, sister. (Eva looks like she is about to explode.)

Eva: I WILL BATHE IN YOUR BLOOD!

Trent: Good. You could use a bath. (He pinches his nose.) You stink. (Eva roars, and is about to charge towards him, when Chris blows his whistle.)

Chris: Okay, little ones! As much as I love the little foreplay you two have going on over there, we need to discuss the rules one last time.

Gwen: I thought the only rule was there that there were no rules.

Chris: Oh yeah. Good point. Then let's get this party started! (He blows into his whistle. Immediately, Nicki Minaj music begins to pump out of the speakers surrounding the stadium as Trent and Eva circle one another.)

Gwen (covering her ears): Seriously?! This shit again?

Chris: This is the perfect music for a fight! The catchiness just makes you want to get up and move, does it not?

Trent: I have to agree with Chris on this one. In fact, I can't even help myself! (He starts dancing to the current song, being "Beez In the Trap". Eva stares at him in disbelief.)

Eva: Stop dancing and fight, you pathetic wimp!

Trent: Are my moves too much for you, Eva? That's okay. My dancing will compensate for the both of us. (He hip thrusts in her direction and winks. Eva is trembling so much that she is practically shaking the ground.)

Eva: You're about to learn a new definition of pain, my friend. (She begins to charge.)

Trent (smirking): That's my cue. (With that, he trips, and falls to the ground. He grabs his ankle in fake pain.) Auugghh! During my super awesome dancing, it appears I have sprained my ankle! It appears I must surrender! (He pretends to cry, but the whole time, he is smiling.) This is so unfortunate! I really wanted to compete. But I'm afraid my injury is too much. I guess we'll just have to—(He is cut off as Eva tackles him to the ground.)

Eva: THINK YOU CAN TRICK ME, HUH? I WON'T FALL FOR IT LIKE I DID LAST TIME! (She begins to maul him like a rabid lion.)

Trent: What the heck are you doing?! I surrendered! STOP! **STOP! **(But Eva doesn't listen. She shifts positions so she is now sitting on his back, and has his hair clutched in her hands.)

Trent: No! Not the mullet! (But Eva isn't listening. With a cry, she repeatedly smashes his face into the floor of the ring. Each time, Trent's face comes back with a new giant bruise swelling up on it.)

Chris: And Eva gives Trent a face massage he won't soon forget! (Eva now has Trent grabbed by the legs, and begins hurling him around and around like a sack of potatoes.)

Courtney: Chris! Are you going to let her just to this to him? Trent already surrendered!

Chris: Aww… but can't you see how much fun Eva and Trent are having?

Trent: SOMEBODY! ANYBODY! SAVE ME! (Tears are streaming down his face as he is swung around again and again.)

Courtney: Trent isn't having fun! He's sobbing for his life!

Chris: That's one way of looking at it.

Courtney: That's the _only _way of looking at it!

Chris: Now that's a very single-minded point of view, Courtney. (Eva, with one final yell, lets go of Trent. Trent goes hurtling through the air, screaming, before he smacks into a brick wall. Slowly, he slides down it, groaning. Eva wipes her hands off, smiling.)

Eva: That's why you don't dance around me. Ever.

Chris: And Eva _demolishes_ Trent to gain a point for the Killer Redwoods! The score is now tied at 1-1. (The Killer Redwoods burst into cheers.)

Geoff: Yeah Eva! You're the man! Or woman. Or whatever gender you are! WOO!

Eva: One down. (She grins psychotically at her teammates, who cringe in fear.) _Five to go_.

Chris: Alright, who's next? (Cody, who seems to have completely not noticed any of what just happened, eagerly raises his hand.) What the?! Somebody's actually volunteering? Care to tell us what drugs you're on, Cody?

Cody: Love. Love is my drug. (He places his hands on his heart.)

Chris: Obviously heroin. (Cody swaggers over, a stupid grin on his face. He then walks over to Eva and smiles.)

Cody: You're looking stunning today, Eva.

Eva: I'll kick your ass if you say that again.

Cody: I look forward to it. My ass would be lucky to be kicked by a foot as wonderful as yours. (He continues to smile warmly at her.)

Chris: Somebody gag me. Enough with the mushy stuff, you two! This is a competition! So let's begin the next Olympic event! The shot-put. (He holds up a large metal ball.) All you have to do is see how far you can throw this thing. The person who throws it the farthest wins a point for their team.

Cody: Alright! No problem for these biceps! (He rolls up his sleeves, and flexes. Two little bulges the size of marbles spring up, before quickly deflating.)

Chris: Wow… that's… that's actually really tragic. (He rolls a shot-put over to Eva and a shot-put over to Cody. Eva picks it up, and spins it on her finger like basketball. Cody tries to pick his up, but falls over. Eva cackles.)

Eva: You're screwed, scrawny boy. (Cody blushes fiercely. Then he tenses up, determined.)

**Confession Cam**

**Cody: I could've given up right then and there. But was I about to do that? No way! Because I'm the Code-meister! Slayer of babes! In here? (He pounds his chest.) I'm unmovable. Unbreakable. Unyielding. Unstoppable. Invincible. One of kind. Last of the Mohicans. A legend. **

**End of Confessionals **

_**Three Minutes Later…**_

Cody: Uggh… where am I? (He opens his eyes, and sees his teammates leaning over him.) What… happened?

Gwen: You lost.

Izzy: And in the process, you dislocated your arm! Isn't that awesome? (She beckons to Cody's left arm, which is hanging loosely, disconnected from its socket.)

Cody: Why? Because I threw my shot-put so far that my arm gave out?

Noah: Nope. A butterfly landed on your shoulder. (Cody pauses, silent.)

Cody: Was it… was it a big butterfly?

Noah (shrugging): Sure. It was kind of big, for a butterfly. (Cody smiles.)

Cody: That's right… you better believe it, baby… (He throws his good arm up in victory as he is rolled away on a stretcher.)

**Confession Cam**

**Cody: Like I said: legend. **

**Eva: This is just too easy. Has my team really become this weak in my absence? **

**End of Confessionals **

Chris: So, in a landslide victory, Eva easily defeats Cody, and gains a second point for the Killer Redwoods, taking the lead, 2-1! So far, nobody has even come close to beating her. Can Courtney change that? I seriously doubt it. (Courtney walks over, looking indifferent. Chris looks at her strangely.) Usually this would be the part where you go apeshit about me insulting your challenge abilities, Courtney.

Courtney: Oh, I've just… learned to see things differently. (She smirks over at Noah, who scowls and buries his nose in his book.)

Katie: So now you can see that you're a bitch?

Courtney (sarcastically): HA HA HA. You're _soooo_ funny, Katie.

Trent: I know, right? (He laughs.) That was hilarious! (Noticing Courtney glaring at him, he quickly backtracks.) Um, not like I agree, or anything.

Chris: Okay! So, Courtney, Eva, ready to know what event you'll be competing in?

Eva: Can it be more pankration? I've got some more work I'd like to deal with. (She looks over at Courtney and cracks her knuckles.)

Chris: Nope! You two will be long jumping!

Eva: Oh, c'mon! That's so boring. You're choosing the worst events!

Chris: That's not true! Long jump can be incredibly tense. Many a summer night I would stay up late, clutching my pillows in anxiety as I watched the long jumpers competing under the hot London sun, as I shoveled pretzel after pretzel into my mouth.

Gwen: Do you have any form of a life, Chris?

Chris: Unnecessary commentary, Gwen. So, without a moment's further delay, to the long jump pit!

_**Fifteen seconds later…**_

Chris: Here we are, at the long jump pit!

Courtney: Okay, why did we need the time transition if we were literally walking ten yards?

Chris: It adds to the drama, okay?! (He beckons behind to the long runway behind him.) So, you know how it works. You run down this runway, and jump once you get near the sand pit. However far you land is your distance. Who would like to go first? (Courtney shrugs, and smirks.)

Courtney: I'll go, I guess.

Chris: Great! (He jumps up and down with joy.) Oh, this is so exciting! All I need is some pretzels and a pillow, and it'll be just like watching the actual Olympics!

Katie: No, Chris, I really don't think it will be.

Chris (suddenly in his pajamas, clutching his pillow and a bag of pretzels): I beg to differ. Whenever you're ready, Courtney. (Courtney nods, and begins nonchalantly walking down the runway. Noah stares at her, flabbergasted.)

Noah: C'mon! Actually put in some effort!

Courtney: Why should I? You can't throw the challenge if you put in effort, can you? (Noah shakes his head.)

Noah: Do you have any dignity? Do you even realize what you're doing?

Courtney: I know exactly what I'm doing, thank you very much!

Gwen: Come on, Courtney. This is ridiculous. (Courtney whips around to face her.)

Courtney: What's ridiculous is that you're defending him!

Gwen: I'm going to defend him when you're pulling _this_ sort of crap!

Courtney: Whatever. You're digging your own grave, Gwen. You should watch who you side with. Now, if you'll excuse me… (She has now arrived at the sand pit, and jumps about four inches forward, before plopping in the sand.)

Chris: And an INCREDIBLE jump by Courtney! ABSOLUTELY STUPENDOUS! MARVELOUS! (He wipes a tear away from his eye.)

Bridgette: What are you talking about? That was horrible!

Chris: Yes, but the FORM! Simply stunning!

Courtney (smirking): I do what I can. (Noah crosses his arms, and turns to Izzy.)

Noah: Can you believe this, Izzy? It's actually sickening. Why are they so intent on throwing this challenge? And why are they being so blatant about it?

Izzy: Yeah! At least I'm_ hiding_ the fact that I have a gun pointed at your head. (As Noah runs off, Izzy calls after him.) Come back! It's all in good fun! (Meanwhile, Chris is stuffing his face with pretzels as he turns to Eva.)

Chris: Eva, your turn. Damn, these pretzels are salty. This is probably so bad for my hips. Oh well. You deserve to take this little diet break, Chris Mclean! (The words have barely left his mouth before Eva is sprinting down the runway, screeching. Once she gets to the edge of the sand pit, she springs forward, and hurtles through the air. She goes so far that she clears the entire pit, and lands on the grass on the other side. The Killer Redwoods cheer and high five.)

Geoff: Yeah! Go man—er, woman—um, thing—or um, person—er, monster—You know, I'm just gonna call you "Bob".

Eva: And victory number three is mine!

Chris (tapping his chin): Hmm… now hold on a second. I'm not so sure about that. This was a pretty close one. We may have to measure it to make sure.

Eva: If you're actually serious about what you just said, you're going to be measuring your hospital bill to be quite a high number.

Chris: And victory number three for Eva! Wow, she's really mean.

**Confession Cam**

**Courtney: At this point, there is pretty much no way Noah will be able to save himself from being voted off. Eva just needs to win one more time against either Izzy, Gwen, or Noah, and the challenge will be over. Let's look at each one of those three. Izzy is supposed to be throwing the challenge, but she can definitely win if she wanted to, just because she's even crazier than Eva. Gwen is Goth, so she really doesn't stand a chance, but if she does manage to pull off a victory somehow, that leaves Noah. And Noah is, well… Noah. The butterfly that dislocated Cody's shoulder would probably break his entire spine. **

**Noah: There's still plenty of time for a comeback… right? (He sighs.)**

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: So, with the score at 3-1, the Killer Redwoods just need one more victory to secure the win. Think you can pull it off, Eva? (Eva grunts in response, and flips him off with both hands.) Hey! Now she's using two hands! She's getting more articulate! Okay, time for a matchup I've been waiting for all day: Izzy vs Eva! This is sure to be interesting. (Izzy suddenly pops up out of Chris's shirt, and beams.)

Izzy: Alright! A Team E-Scope showdown! I love it! (With a whoop, she does a back flip out of Chris's shirt collar and lands on the ground. Eva hisses at the redhead, and holds up a fist.)

Eva: There's no Team E-Scope! You abandoned me and destroyed my shot at being in Season 2 when we formed that group!

Izzy: Did I? I'm pretty sure that was Noah.

Eva: That's impossible, because you also screwed him over, too! You're a terrible person!

Izzy: A terrible person with a great sense of humor though, huh? Huh? (She nudges Eva repeatedly. Eva tries to grab at her arm, but quick as a flash, Izzy shifts to being behind her, and puts her in a headlock.)

Izzy: I still have the speed advantage on you, it seems.

Eva: YOU LET GO OF ME RIGHT NOW!

Izzy: Say you're sorry.

Eva: FOR **WHAT**?!

Izzy: For not believing in Team E-Scope.

Eva: NEVER! (She forces her way out of the headlock. Izzy stares at her, looking hurt.)

Izzy: I don't understand, Eva. Why do you no longer have lesbian feelings for me?

Eva: I've never had lesbian feelings for you! YOU'RE half the reason I have anger management issues in the first place!

Izzy: Come on, Eva. Can't we just shake on it? (She holds out her hand.)

Eva: No way. I've seen where that hand has been. I'm not touching it.

Izzy: Oh well. We can just make out, instead.

Eva: NO! (She frantically turns to Chris.) Start up this challenge already!

Chris: Huh? Oh, sorry. I was just really enjoying that conversation. (He zips his pants back up, and beckons behind him, to an even larger sand pit.) Can anybody guess what we're going to be using that for?

Izzy: Burying Eva?

Chris: No!

Izzy: Burying Noah?

Chris: No!

Izzy: Burying you?

Chris: No! No burying of any kind. You two will be competing in the classic game of… (He whips out a volleyball, and tosses it to Eva.) …beach volleyball!

Eva: Yes! A _real _sport, finally!

Chris: I wouldn't go that far. Anyways, beach volleyball, over the years, has become one of the most popular events of the Olympics season, as it provides viewers with three main viewing pleasures required for any good women's sport: intense competition, incredible athleticism, and tons of blatant ass shots by the perverted cameramen.

Izzy: So true, so true.

Chris: So, you two will be playing a shortened version of that. First person to three points wins the game, and a point for their team. I can tell this is a very heated conflict, so I am sure we will get a thrilling competition. And one more thing: you must wear skimpy bathing suits.

Eva: Are you kidding me?!

Chris: I kid you not. It's how the game works. (He tosses her a bikini top and bottom. Eva holds up the top and examines it.)

Eva: This is literally a piece of sting! Like, you literally just took a piece of string and handed it to me!

Chris: Yes… yes I did. (Eva grumbles and walks off to the Confession Cam, holding the bikini. Chris then tosses one to Izzy, before tossing one to Lindsay.)

Chris: Put those on and meet back here in ten.

Lindsay: Umm… why do I get one, Kyle?

Chris: Heh heh. No reason. (He grins pervertedly.)

**Confession Cam**

**Eva: Uggh… This is so degrading… (She is struggling to get the bikini on, as it is about three sizes too small. Finally, she fits it on, and presents herself to the Confession Cam.) There we go. How do I look? **

**Cody (from outside the confessional): You look stunning. (Eva stares at the camera.) **

**(Static)**

**Cody: Ow… (He has been stuffed in the toilet, crushing his entire body. Blood is running down the side of his face, and he has a broken nose.) That Eva really flirts aggressively… **

**(Static)**

**Izzy: Ha! Like I'm going to wear some bikini obviously meant to objectify me as a woman. (She rips it off.) I'm going nude! **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: Okay, let's start up the—Oh my. (He quickly covers his eyes when he sees Izzy doing jumping jacks on her side of the volleyball pit, completely naked.) Izzy, care to explain your sudden… lack of apparel?

Izzy: I just took Tyler's advice! You have to go authentic, right?

Tyler: Hell yeah! (He gives her a thumbs-up.)

Izzy: Plus, it's free fan service!

Trent: But nobody wants to see that! (Izzy points at Eva, who is staring at her.)

Izzy: Eva does. (Eva turns away, slightly blushing.)

Eva: No I don't! You're disgusting! (Izzy shrugs.)

Izzy: I'm sure somebody is secretly enjoying it. (Noah, meanwhile, is staring vacantly into space, blood slowly dripping from his nose.)

Eva: You know what you are, Izzy? You're a slut. And I'm gonna kick your ass. (Izzy grins.)

Izzy: You have such a way with words. Practically the next Shakespeare. (Trent, meanwhile, taps Izzy on the back, and starts whispering in her ear.)

Trent: I know you have some stupid feud of who's the bigger psycho between you two, but you need to put that aside for later. You're throwing the challenge, okay? It's for the good of the team. (Izzy nods.)

Izzy: Got it. (She turns around to face him.)

Trent: AHHH! GIRLY PARTS! (He flies backwards in fear, landing on his butt in the sand. Izzy cackles, and grabs the volleyball, before turning to Chris.)

Izzy: Shall we begin? (Chris is now wearing black-and-white striped ref gear, with sunglasses and a whistle.)

Chris: Hold on. We still need to address one more really important matter. (He pauses.) Do I look good in this referee outfit?

Eva: No. You look like a gay zebra.

Chris: And a point for Izzy!

Eva: WHAT?!

Chris: Hey, you insulted me. And I'm the ref.

Eva: That's completely—(She is cut off as Chris blows into his whistle.)

Chris: Begin! (Grinning, Izzy sizes up the volleyball, spinning it in her hands. She licks her palms, and lathers the outside of the ball up with her saliva.)

Eva: Get on with it! (Izzy thinks for a second. She then puts the volleyball away for a second, and takes out a ticking, circular time bomb.)

Eva: What the-?! (Izzy hurls the time bomb up into the air, and serves it over the net. She then takes the volleyball and serves it in the same fashion, so that it is following the bomb by a few seconds.)

Izzy: Heads up! (Eva catches the bomb in surprise. Realizing what it is, she quickly hurls it as far away as possible. This leaves her completely distracted as the volleyball comes back down and smashes into her face, before plopping down in the sand. The bomb, meanwhile, slams into DJ, blowing him up and sending him hurtling into the forest.)

Chris: And another point for Izzy! The score is now 2-0.

Eva: You have got to be kidding me. That was completely illegal!

Chris: What are you talking about? Remember, the only rule for beach volleyball is that there are no rules.

Katie: No, Chris, those are the rules for Pankration.

Chris: Really? Oh yeah. Damn, this sun is really getting to me, I guess. Whatever. I think volleyball's better this way! Heh heh. More "explosive", if you will. (He smiles, waiting for people to laugh. Nobody does. Trent, meanwhile, walks back over to Izzy, fuming.)

Trent: How is that throwing the challenge?!

Izzy: What are you talking about? Isn't throwing the challenge where you do whatever you can to win?

Trent: No! Who told you that? (Slowly, he realizes who, and turns around angrily to the stands.) Noah! You'll pay for this! (Noah chuckles from his seat.)

Noah: Deal with it, Trenton. Just keep doing what you're doing, Izzy! (Eva growls to herself, clenching her fists.)

Eva: So you're gonna play dirty, huh? Well, two can play at that game.

Chris: Izzy, your serve again! (Izzy grins, and starts doing her same serving routine. She pulls out another bomb and serves it through the air, followed by the volleyball. Eva, quick as a flash, runs over and uproots one pole of the volleyball net, followed by the other. She then grabs the both of them, raising the net high above her head. She quickly dodges the bomb, which lands in the sand, before catching the volleyball with the net.)

Eva: It hit the net! It hit the net! That's a point for me!

Chris: Um… okay then. That was kind of overdoing it, but whatever. The score is now 2-1. Just like my Head and Shoulders 2 in 1 shampoo and conditioner! (He holds up a bottle of it.) It keeps the dandruff away, and revitalizes my hair, from its roots to its tips. Plus, it smells great!

Bridgette: Chris, your product placement attempts are getting way too desperate.

Chris: "Too"? Or do you mean "two", which is one half of my 2 in 1 shampoo and conditioner! (He holds up another bottle of it.) It keeps the dandruff away, and revitalizes my hair. Plus, it smells—(He is cut off by a volleyball slamming into his face.)

Eva: Shut it.

Chris: Ow… okay, Eva's serve. (Eva takes the volleyball, and flips it in her hands. Then she gets an idea. With a bloodthirsty smile, she serves it over the net, and then sprints over to Izzy's side and tackles her to the ground. Izzy has no time to react, and the ball plops in the sand.)

Chris: A second point for Ev—OH MY! (He squeals as he sees Izzy and Eva rolling around in the sand, fighting. Eva is swearing with anger, as Izzy cackles with delight. The fighting grows more and more violent, with Eva delivering punch after punch into Izzy's face, as Izzy grabs Eva's boobs and yanks them hard. They both become coated from head to toe in sand.)

Geoff: Chris, dude, care to intervene? (Chris looks up from lathering himself with sunscreen.)

Chris: Huh? Oh yeah. (He blows his whistle, and begins speaking into a megaphone at them.) Hey, um, knock it off! Please?

Geoff: No, man! You have to go physically break it up!

Chris: But… they're so scary!

Gwen: Are you the host with the most or not? (Chris sighs, and gets up from his beach chair. Slowly, tentatively, he walks over, and stands where the two are rolling around on the ground. He cautiously reaches downwards, and touches Izzy on the back.)

Chris: Um, guys? Can we—(He screams as he sucked into the fight cloud like a vortex.)

_**One hour later…**_

(Chris is sitting in his beach chair, with his clothes ripped up and his whistle jammed down his throat. His hairpiece is scooting down the side of his head, exposing bruises on his skull. His eyes are red from crying. Izzy and Eva are back to standing on opposite sides of the net, crossing their arms and turning away from one another. Both are covered in scratches and bruises. Slowly, Chris coughs up the whistle with a sickly tweeting noise, and addresses them.)

Chris: Well, that took a while, but we were finally able to break it up. In the process, I discovered exactly why women scare me so much. (Izzy laughs, and Chris whips around to face her, glaring. She quickly stops.)

Chris: Now, we're going to finish this game. But no more physical contact. No more punching, kicking, strangling, scissoring, junk-grabbing… (He shudders, as if remembering previous experiences.) Or any thing else that just happened. We're going to play an actual point of volleyball. Okay?

Izzy: How about—

Chris: No. Whatever you were about to suggest, no. (He gives her a look of pure, undiluted hatred.) So, let's begin! (He beams, clapping his hands with joy. Everyone stares at him. Chris shrugs.) Um, hello? It's called mood swings. So, Eva has the serve. Whenever you're ready! (Eva picks up the volleyball, and tosses it a few times through the air. Then, with a war cry, she throws it up so high that it gets lost in the sun, and then smashes it as it comes back down. The volleyball, traveling at the speed of light, heads right towards the ground on the other side of the court. However, right before it hits the sand, an orange blur appears underneath it and dives, saving the ball and popping it back over.)

Chris: And Izzy with a nice save! (Eva growls, spikes it with even greater velocity. Izzy dives again, and hits it back over. The rallying continues, with Eva getting angrier as time goes on.)

Chris: And Eva hits it! Then Izzy hits it! Then Eva hits it! Then Izzy hits it! Then Eva hits it! Then Izzy hits it! Then Eva hits it! Then Izzy—

Noah: Can you stop it? That has got to be the worst sports commentating I've ever heard. (Chris continues to commentate.)

Chris: Then Noah quits it with the snide comments! Then Eva hits it! Then Izzy hits it… (Noah groans. Trent, meanwhile, is trying to distract Izzy in an attempt to make her screw up.)

Trent: Hey Izzy! Look over here! Look over here! Michael Jackson is over here, and he wants to have some fun with you!

Izzy: Huh? Really? (She glances over for a second, and yelps as she almost lets a ball hit the ground.)

Noah: He's lying, Izzy! There's no Michael Jackson! (Trent shakes his head.)

Trent: Noah's the one that's lying, Izzy! He's just trying to hog Michael Jackson all for himself! You know how greedy Noah can be.

Izzy: Are you being greedy, Noah?

Noah: It doesn't matter if I'm being greedy, because Michael Jackson is DEAD! Plus, when he was alive, he was a sad shell of man who molested children. You need to stop with your obsession over him!

Izzy: Don't say that! You don't know that! YOU DON'T KNOW THAT! (She starts to lose focus, hitting the ball with less vigor. Eva takes this opportunity to start whacking the ball even harder. DJ, who is still scorched from being blown up, cheers her on from the sidelines.)

DJ: She's tiring, Eva! You keep that intensity going! (He turns to Tyler, who is sitting next to him.) Isn't this great? We're about to win! (Tyler looks less than enthusiastic.) What's the deal, man?

Tyler: I don't know… I just feel like I'm missing out on all the action, dude! I mean, why should I be sitting here… (He beckons to where he sitting.) …when all the fun is going on over there? (He beckons to the volleyball pit. Suddenly, his eyes grow wide.) Wait a minute. That's a great idea! (DJ realizes what this means.)

DJ: No way, Tyler. Don't do it, man. Don't do it! (But Tyler has already sprung up, and is running over to the volleyball court.)

**Confession Cam**

**Tyler: I'm not one to just sit down and watch things happen. I'm the type of guy that likes to stand up and do things! That's my motto, baby! **

**DJ: Tyler? Tyler's probably that crazy naked guy that always gets onto the baseball field, and has to get tackled by twenty security guards, before being dragged off the field crying. I guess you can call that being a "stand-up guy", in a certain sense. **

**End of Confessionals**

Eva: Looking weak, Izzy! Something wrong? (She spikes the ball down over the net, and Izzy barely gets to it, before hitting a weak volley back.)

Izzy: Noah… doesn't like… Michael Jackson… But Michael Jackson… he's a good man… HE'S A GOOD MAN! (She starts to sob, and with tears in her eyes, can barely even see the net now. Eva smiles.)

Eva: You've gotten distracted in your most important moment. Now, you'll pay for your stupidity! (She bashes another ball into the back corner of Izzy's side of the court, and Izzy dives to get it. The redhead is just able to make contact, but the ball has no power on it as it slowly drifts over the net to Eva's side. Izzy trips as she does so, and falls onto the ground face first. She tries to get up, but can't. Eva smiles, a sinister shadow passing over her face.)

Eva: Game over. (As the ball slowly comes her way, she prepares to spike it down and end it. However, right before she does so, a red flash appears in front of her, blocking her.) What in the god's name—(The flash stops, and revealing itself to be Tyler.)

Tyler: Don't worry, Eva! It's Tyler to the rescue!

Eva: No! Don't touch the ball—(But it is too late. Tyler jumps up as the ball arrives to him.)

Tyler: FIGHT THROUGH ADVERSITY! (With that, he spikes the volleyball as hard as he can. It sails downwards… right into the net. There is a long period of silence. Eva then falls to the ground, bellowing in fury, while Tyler scratches his head, chuckling sheepishly.)

Tyler: Oops. Well, you win some, you lose some, I guess. YOLO!

Eva: You worthless piece of *******! (She tries to grab his throat, but Tyler quickly sprints away before she can. The workout buff takes a long, deep breath, trying to calm down.)

Chris: And, thanks to Tyler's failure-filled ambitions, Eva actually loses! That means we're moving on to the next event, with the score at 3-**2**! (Noah starts to cheer, but then he notices Izzy, still on the ground. He quickly runs over to her.)

Noah: Are you okay? (Izzy looks at him for a long time. Then she gets up, and walks away, still butt-naked. Noah sighs, as Trent comes up and places a hand on his shoulder.)

Trent: Let's face the facts. Your relationship with her is finished, Noah. It might be best you to leave, before you screw anything else up. (Noah turns around to face him.)

Noah: You need to stop touching me. It's kind of creepy. (With that, he storms away. Trent calls after him.)

Trent: Yeah, you, um… better run! Because… um… I'm, uh… awesome! (He shakes his head.) Man, I need better comebacks. (He starts to walk away, and bumps right into Eva.) Oops. Sorr—(Eva's fist cuts him off as is slams into his face.)

**Confession Cam**

**Noah: Okay, I think I've figured out why this relationship with Izzy isn't working. I've just been getting too jealous! I mean, who wouldn't, what with all the other men she likes to talk about, like Mr. Fan and Michael Jackson? I think I know what I need to do. I need to just let her recite her monologue about Denzel Washington's ball sack, or draw her naked pictures of Big Bird, and try not to think too much of it. **

**Tyler: Okay, the ball might've gone into the net, but did you see the backspin? BOOM! That was some serious backspin, baby! **

**Katie: So now the score is a little closer. Hopefully, Tyler's gotten his daily failure dosage, and won't screw anything else up for us. He's bound to stop failing at one point… right? Right? **

**End of Confessionals **

Chris: So, with just two exciting events left, we have just two Screaming Ivy competitors yet to have competed! Gwen, it's your time to shine. (Gwen rolls her eyes, and gets up from her seat. As she walks down the steps to the track down below, Courtney grabs her.)

Courtney: This is time for a decision, Gwen. What are you going to do? Are you going to side with _us_, and throw it, or side with _it_, (She beckons to Noah.) …and try to win?

Gwen: Do you really think I have any chance of winning? I'll try my hardest, and she'll still destroy me. But you can't expect me to throw anything. I don't work that way. (With that, she steps onto the field, where Eva is waiting for her. The workout fanatic has lost all of her cool, and is heaving with frustration, mumbling to herself.)

Gwen: Are you okay?

Eva: I will… not lose… I will… triumph… (She pounds her fists together, her eyes darting all over the place with lunacy.) Triumph… victory… defeat… death… blood… blood… BLOOD! (Gwen frantically turns to Chris.)

Gwen: Chris, we need to get this thing moving, before her mind completely deteriorates over here!

Chris: Well, I actually thought that was very poetic. It can be a poem. We can call it "Blood Blood Blood". Has a nice ring, don't you think?

Gwen: Get off the meds, Chris! She's obviously not sane anymore! Losing obviously drove her over the edge!

Chris: I think she can still compete. Can you still compete, Eva? (Eva responds by flipping him off with both hands, and then kneeing him in the groin. Chris chuckles in a squeaky voice.) Wow. She's getting to be the most articulate person here! So, for this event, you two will be running a simple race. The 400 meter race.

Eva: 400… severed heads… blood… death… severed heads… blood…

Chris: Um… okay. Thanks for your input. (Looking creeped out, he beckons for Eva and Gwen to follow him over to the starting line. Once the two are lined up, everyone shifts over, so they can get a better view of the race.)

Noah: Give it your all, Gwen!

Courtney: Yeah! Even if your all is fricking terrible! (Gwen sighs.)

Gwen: I'll try. But I don't think this is going to be pretty.

Chris: So, this should be fairly simple. Just one lap around the track. That's all. First person to finish is the winner. Ready to go? (Eva grunts, scraping her feet on the ground like a bull getting ready to charge. Gwen just sighs, and gets in a starting position.)

Chris: Great! (He holds up a small handgun.) So, when I fire this gun, that's when you can run.

Bridgette: Are you kidding me? You're firing a gun? _Again_?

Chris: What's wrong with that, blondie?

Bridgette: Chris, every time you fire a gun for a race, you always kill some form of bird! Do you ever learn from your mistakes?

Chris: Uggh… fine. No gun. (He puts it back in his pocket. However, this sets the gun off, firing it straight through his pant leg and into the ground. Eva immediately charges forward at the noise.)

Chris: No wait! Come back—Okay, there's no way she's going to listen to me. The race has begun, I guess. (Gwen groans, and starts running after Eva, who now has a huge head start. Cody, meanwhile, has been wheeled back in on his stretcher, with his dislocated arm having been fixed. He grins when he sees who's competing.)

Cody: All right! Two of my favorite babes, in one gorgeous race! It doesn't get much better than this. Go Gwen! No wait—go Eva! No wait—go Gwen! No wait—go Katie! (He bangs his head in frustration.) Too many hot girls… brain… malfunctioning… (He rolls off the stretcher, and rolls right onto the track. Gwen trips over him, falling to the ground. Eva turns back, and sees that her lead on the Goth girl is now 100 yards, with 200 yards left to go. She smiles.)

Eva: Victory… mine… (Gwen gets back up, and continues to run, now at a much slower pace. Eva makes the final turn around the track, and is now just 100 yards away from reaching the finish line.)

Geoff: Yeah, babe! You've got the mojo! (Tyler, meanwhile, is standing near the finish line, next to DJ.)

DJ: Looks like Eva's got this, huh?

Tyler: Yeah… She'll be the hero… (His shoulders slump for a moment, and then suddenly he perks up with an idea. DJ sees this body language, and swallows deeply.)

DJ: No way, man. You can't possibly be—(But Tyler has already disappeared. DJ smacks his head with his hand.) This is not gonna be good. (Despite her huge lead, Eva has, in fact, fatigued a bit, and Gwen has gained significantly on her. As Eva enters the final 50 yards, Gwen is just entering her final 100. Eva sees Gwen out of the corner of her eye, and begins to pump her legs harder.)

Chris: And Eva's got 40 yards left! 30 yards left! (Courtney and Trent are gazing into each other's eyes in happiness, before they both turn to Noah maliciously, making him slump in his seat.)

Chris: 25 yards left! 20! YARDS! LEFT! OMG! OMG! OMG! OH EHM GEEEEEEEEE!

Bridgette: Okay, it's exciting, but it's not _that _exciting.

Chris: Yes it is! THIS IS ATHLETICISM AT ITS FINEST! 15 yards left! (Eva begins to throw her hands up in victory as she enters the final 10 yards. However, the moment she takes another stride, the same red flash from before appears in front of her. Before Eva can stop herself, she slams into Tyler and falls over. Tyler grins.)

Tyler: Alright! The perfect sports narrative. Eva passes off the baton to Tyler, and Tyler finishes the race for her. He's the hero! (He crosses the finish line and does another victory dance. Eva, meanwhile, is dazed and confused, her head rolling around on her neck. Gwen runs right by her, and crosses the finish line.)

Chris: And just like that, Gwen wins! The score is tied at 3-3! Oh my gosh, this is so exciting… (He fans himself excitedly. Tyler stares at him, puzzled.)

Tyler: But wait… I crossed the finish line first!

Chris: Yes, except that doesn't matter, Tyler, because it was _Eva _who had to finish. Not you.

Tyler: Aw, c'mon! After all my effort, this is how you're rewarding me? I'm supposed to be the hero!

Chris: You ran five yards, Tyler.

Tyler: Those were the most epic five yards ever, though!

Chris: I'm sorry. It doesn't count.

Eva: DAMN IT! (Tyler tries to sprint away from her, but bumps into his teammates, who are all standing with their arms crossed. Tyler giggles nervously, rubbing the back of his head.)

Tyler: What's up, guys? Loving this weather today. How about you?

_**Two minutes later… **_

Tyler: What the?! Let me go! Let me go! (He is now tied up tightly to one supporting beams of the stadium, and is trying to wiggle free. Katie walks up to him, gritting her teeth.)

Katie: You've already f**ked up twice, Tyler. We can't have there be a third time. So you'll just stay here, until we win this final event.

Tyler: No! Please! Release me! (But his teammates have already walked away.) NO! COME BACK! TYLER IS A BEAUTIFUL, POWERFUL BUTTERFLY WHOSE WINGSPAN MUST NOT BE RESTRAINED! NOOO! (The Killer Redwoods get over to Eva, who is looking like a volcano of anger.)

Katie: Listen, Eva, we know you're mad. But Tyler can't mess you up anymore. Now do you think you can win this final face-off for us?

Eva: Who… is… my… opponent? (Katie smirks.)

Katie: It's just scrawny old Noah. (Eva's eyes flare up.)

Eva: Noah? Is he… the one I must destroy…? (She thinks back to her conversation with Beth at the Playa de Losers.) Yes… he is… THE ONE I MUST DESTROY! (Katie winks at her teammates.)

Katie: I think we just found her some motivation. (Eva begins to stampede around the field.)

Eva: WHERE ARE YOU, NOAH?! COME DOWN HERE AND FACE ME LIKE A MAN! (Trent turns around to face Noah, who is trembling up in the top row of seats.)

Trent: Now's your chance, man. Go seize the moment. (Noah, glassy-eyed, slowly makes his way downwards.)

**Confession Cam**

**Noah: Well, this is it. It's almost too perfect a scenario. Coming back from a 3-1 deficit, to tie it up… and now, I need to be the one to win it all. The worst athletic contender against the greatest. David vs Goliath. But the one thing Eva doesn't have? Intelligence beyond that of a hormone-filled chimpanzee. That will be my one advantage over her. Either way, this really is the Olympian's final stand. (Chris sticks his head in, with a notepad.) **

**Chris: Perfect! There's my chapter name! (He sees Noah staring at him disapprovingly.) It's hard to find the inspiration, okay? **

**End of Confessionals**

**Beach**

Ezekiel: Well, we're here, eh.

Chef: Yes… yes we are. (Ezekiel pats him on the back.)

Ezekiel: You'll be fine. Just do it exactly as we rehearsed.

Chef: We didn't rehearse anything!

Ezekiel: But we did, eh! With our eyes. Here, just take this cue card and read off of it. (He hands him a note card.)

Chef: I can't read!

Ezekiel: Hmm. Oh yeah, I forgot you were an illiterate piece of trash. (Chef growls at him, and Ezekiel chuckles.) Joking! I'm just joking. Here, I'll just read it to the "boss". You nod along. (Chef nods.) There! Already getting the hang of it, eh! (They wait in silence.)

Chef: So… what do we do now?

Ezekiel: I guess we wait. (There's a five minute long awkward silence. Ezekiel tries to make small talk.) So, um… you, um… seeing anyone? (Before Chef can answer, the sound of a loud helicopter propeller fills the air. Ezekiel and Chef look up, and see a bright pink helicopter slowly floating down towards the beach. As it gets closer, one can see that it is dotted with hearts and flowers.)

Ezekiel: Um… interesting decorative choice the boss has.

Chef: Don't be deceived by the gay exterior. Masked inside is pure evil. (Ezekiel nods, and gazes intently as the helicopter lands on the beach in front of them, spreading the sand out in all directions as it touches down on the ground. Slowly, the propellers come to a halt. There is a long, intense moment as the helicopter sits there. Chef starts to shiver, and Ezekiel quickly places a hand on his shoulder. The cook calms down, and nods at Ezekiel. Suddenly, the door to the helicopter slams open, and a cloud of perfume leaks out. Slowly, two figures step down onto the beach, and walk forward, so that they are just a few yards away from Ezekiel and Chef. The cloud dissipates, revealing who they are. Ezekiel gasps.)

Ezekiel: MILDRED?! (Blaineley steps forward, smirking.)

Blaineley: It's "The Boss" to you. (Ezekiel turns around to Chef.)

Ezekiel: I know this bitch! She ratted me out back in TDWT, eh! She aint too tough! I'll take her doon! (Chef halts him before he can take a swing at her.)

Chef: No. Don't make any moves. You see that? (He points at the other figure standing next to her. It is a man wearing a skin-tight ninja suit, and staring fiercely at them.) That's her hitman. He will kill us if we touch her.

Ezekiel: But wait a minute! (He stares at the hitman intently.) I know this guy, too! Who is it…? Why it's Josh! (The masked man claps with delight.)

Josh: Finally! Somebody remembers who I am! (Blaineley glares at him.)

Blaineley: Josh! _Focus_! (Josh nods, and returns to his solemn state.)

Ezekiel: Wait… this is crazy. So you mean to tell me that Josh and Blaineley—

Blaineley: Um, it's "Blaineley and Josh".

Ezekiel: Yeah, whatever. So what you're telling me is that _they're _the drug dealers? (Chef sighs and nods.)

Chef: Unfortunately so. When Blaineley showed up in Total Drama World Tour… let's just say our alliance involved much more than just the game. That's when the marijuana deal began.

Blaineley: Exactly. (She looks around expectantly.) Speaking of which, Chef… where's the shipment?

Chef: Umm… erm…

Blaineley: _Where is it, Chef_?! (Ezekiel clears his throat, making Mildred whip around to face him.) What do you want? I don't have time for you.

Ezekiel (reading off of the cue card): I, Chef Hatchet, am a respectable man. I respect myself, and I respect others. I do not, hoo'ever, respect you. You have tossed me aroond like a piece of trash for far too long. It's over. I'm standing up for what I believe in. I am too respectable to go on like this. I need to do what's right. And frankly, everything that you stand for leads me farther and farther away from achieving that goal. So you know what? You can suck my dick. Thank you. (He puts the card away. Blaineley looks at Ezekiel, looks at Chef, and then bursts out laughing.)

Blaineley: Ha! This is golden! So what you're telling me, Chef, is that you hired the little Gollum creature to write me a break-up note? What a pussy you are!

Chef: But it's… it's t-true though! I'm done with you! All of this! (He grows more and more confident.) Hell yeah! And you know what? You can _both _suck my dick! Josh included, because he's obviously in the closet!

Josh: Am not! I'm simply _trying different flavors_. It's very different.

Chef: You're in the closet, Josh. (He turns back to Blaineley, a proud grin on his face.) Anyway, so yeah! I'm done! (Blaineley shrugs.)

Blaineley: It's your choice. I guess I'll just have to kill you, then.

Ezekiel: What?!

Blaineley: Yep. I can't have you two telling anyone about this. It's a simple business, procedure, you know. No hard feelings, okay? (Josh and Blaineley begin to advance on them.)

Chef: No! Stop! Don't do this! (They back away in fear. Josh slowly pulls out a katana blade and holds it up to the sun.)

Josh: I've never even used one of these before, but I've always thought they were really sexy… let's try it out! (Chef turns to Ezekiel.)

Chef: Um, "Spy of the Night"? Give us a plan here! RIGHT NOW! (Ezekiel thinks for a moment. Then he raises a finger.)

Ezekiel: I've got a plan!

Chef: What is it? What is it?

Ezekiel: GO APESHIT, BABY! (With that, he tackles Blaineley to the ground. The two begin to struggle in the sand, as Blaineley screams in rage.)

Blaineley: Let go of my hair! You're ruining my dress! Josh, do something! (But Josh is too busy hopping around in joy.)

Josh: Catfight! Catfight! (He screams as Chef tackles him.)

**Confession Cam**

**Ezekiel: Well, we sure showed them, eh. Mission accomplished! I'm not quite sure exactly **_**what **_**we accomplished, but it did its job: giving me a pointless subplot for the episode. But you know what? I think I'm done being a spy. I can't handle that sort of life-or-death situation. I have enough of those just by living in the same cabin as Tyler! **

**End of Confessionals**

**Redemption Coliseum **

(Chris stands before Noah and Eva, clasping his hands together. Eva is glaring daggers at Noah, who is trying to ignore her.)

Noah: So, can we start, or—

Chris: Hold on a second! I have to do my dramatic intro. (He points his finger up to the sky, bearing an intense facial expression.) One last challenge! Two competitors! One common goal. They both want to engrave their names in history.

Noah: Actually, I really don't care about that. I just want to make it through this challenge without having a heart attack.

Chris: You really reach for the stars, don't you, Noah? Eva, what do you hope to gain?

Eva: Noah's still beating heart. (She snaps her teeth at him. Noah cringes.)

Noah: Yeah… that might make my goal a little harder.

Eva: Good. That's what I want.

Chris: You know, you two have so much chemistry. It's probably why I love those Nova fics so much. (Noah and Eva stare at him in horror.) Stop staring at me like that! I only read them when I'm really bored!

Noah: Well, stop! You shouldn't even be going on FanFiction!

Chris: You can't stop my guilty pleasures, Noah. (He claps his hands.) So, let's get to the challenge. This past summer, this event proved to provide some of the most taught, intense moments in Olympics history. (He pauses for dramatic effect.) Gymnastics!

Eva: Aw, really?! That's a sport for stupid little anorexic girls!

Trent: Noah will fit right in. (Noah rolls his eyes.)

Chris: And that's not even true! Gymnastics is a test of three major things: strength, agility, and grace.

Noah: Oh, great. You just named my three forms of kryptonite.

Courtney: Oh, I'm sure you'll look real "graceful" when you're falling on your ass, Noah.

Noah: You really shouldn't try being witty, Courtney. It doesn't suit you.

Courtney: Being ugly doesn't suit _you_, but you're still ugly. (She shrugs.) Funny how that works out.

Noah: Thank you for proving me right.

Eva: So, Chris, what type of gymnastics are we doing?

Chris: Umm… gymnasticy gymastics? I really have no clue. (He points to a long blue mat behind him, extending about twenty yards.) Pretty much, you just go across that mat, and try to do as much gymnasticy stuff in between as you can. However, you have to land on your feet at the end.

Katie: "Gymnasticy"? Really?

Chris: Hey, I bet that's a word! (He turns away, his lower lip trembling.) It _should _be a word.

Noah: So, who's going first?

Chris: You'd like to go first? Thanks for volunteering! (Noah's sly grin turns into a scowl, and he slowly walks over to the mat. He glances over at the stands, and sees all eyes on him, watching intently. Noah swallows nervously, and wipes the sweat of his hands onto his shorts.)

Trent: You got this, Noah!

Noah: Really? Wow, I never expected you to be cheering me on.

Trent: I'm not. I'm just so confident that you're going to fail, that I feel I can safely give you false confidence and not worry about anything being stirred as a result. (Noah sighs solemnly. He looks back down at the mat, and swallows.)

Noah: Maybe I should stretch first. (He awkwardly starts grabbing at his ankles.)

Courtney: Any day now!

Noah: I'm just trying to get loose, okay?

Courtney: You're stalling.

Noah: Fine! But I have no idea what I'm even supposed to do.

Chris: Just let your gymnastical side roam free! Show us your inner gazelle! (Noah sighs and takes a step onto the blue mat.)

Gwen: You can do this, Noah! I'm serious about it! Don't let Trent get to you! (Noah nods at her. Slowly, he walks forward, and breathes deeply. Then he gets down on the ground and starts to roll forward, attempting a somersault. However, he can't get all the way over, and collapses. Everyone bursts out laughing. Now drenched in sweat, Noah jumps back up, but once he lands again, he slips in his own sweat and lands on his butt. Even Eva is laughing now. Groaning, Noah forces himself up, and tries to do a ballerina jump. However, as he comes back down, he lands in a splits with a crotch-crushing crunch. Noah squeals, making literally everyone laugh except for Gwen, who just looks depressed. Trent takes out his phone, filming.)

Trent: This is going straight to Facebook. (Noah, meanwhile, stands up, and as he does so, there's a loud ripping noise as his pants split. Noah's blush grows bigger as the stadium is drowned with laughter. Hanging his head in humiliation, Noah painfully walks over to the end of the mat. He throws his hands up, and bows. The whole crowd falls quiet. Noah's pants then fall down, and the crowd explodes. Chris tries to speak over the laughter, but can't be heard. Finally, he grabs his megaphone, and yells it at the highest volume.)

Chris: Everybody SHUT UP! (Everyone falls silent. Chris looks around at them, eyeing each one of them with distaste. He is silent for a long time. Then he lets out snicker, followed by a chortle, and then, before you know it, he's rolling around on the ground, laughing his ass off. This goes on for about five minutes, until the host finally calms back down and stands up. He walks over and places a hand on Noah's shoulder, wiping a tear out of his eye.)

Chris: Noah, that was really terrible. But it was HILARIOUS! So at least when you lose by a landslide, you can know that you made my day a little bit better.

Noah (sarcastically): Great. That's exactly what I wanted to achieve.

Chris (not noticing the sarcasm): Great! Well, can Eva top that? That is a rhetorical question, but I will ask it anyway. Keep in mind that Noah _did _land on two feet at the end. That's something. So, Eva, let's see your moves! (Eva, looking completely focused, steps over to the blue mat. She then lunges forward, and launches into a perfect 360 vertical. Once she lands, she performs a triple back flip, landing on her hands and subsequently rolling forward in three perfect cartwheels. Noah, who is sitting off on the sideline, hangs his head in shame. Trent sticks his head down from the seats, sneering.)

Trent: Well, look's like you're done for, my man. All Eva has to do is land on her feet, and she wins. And you can say goodbye to your happiness forever. (Noah suddenly stands up, and walks away.) What the?! Where are you going? I had some great insults that I spent all day writing! Come back! (But Noah has already walked over to another part of the stadium, where Trent can no longer see him.)

**Confession Cam**

**Noah: What I did next I'm certainly not proud of. But I knew my life in this game was on the line. I had to find a way to make it so Eva would screw up at the end of her act. And then it hit me. It was like some clumsy, arrogant red beacon of hope that felt the need to refer to itself as a butterfly. **

**End of Confessionals**

Tyler: LET ME GO, I SAY! TYLER THE BUTTERFLY CANNOT WAIT MUCH LONGER! (He is still tied to the support beam, crying for help and struggling against his ropes. Suddenly, Noah appears out of the shadows, and places a finger to Tyler's lips.)

Noah: First of all, let's stop calling ourselves a butterfly. It's a little strange. Second, I'm here to help you. I'll set you free, Tyler, if you do one thing for me.

Tyler: What's that?

Noah: You need to be the hero, dude! Your whole team may act like they don't want you to, but that's false. It's actually the reason they tied you up. They wanted to test if you were a _true _hero. They wanted to see if you could, um… (He struggles to find a Tyler quote.) _Fight through adversity. _(Tyler's eyes light up at this.) So, Tyler… Are you a true hero? Can you fight through adversity?

Tyler: Of course I can! I'm Tyler! The hero!

Noah: Then prove it to everyone! (He slashes the ropes, and Tyler eagerly runs off in the direction of where the competition is occurring. Noah then quietly walks away. Eva, meanwhile, is spinning through the air in a 720 degree roundhouse barrel roll, followed by a one-handed handstand.)

Chris: Okay, we understand how much more athletic you are than the rest of us. But can you hurry it up? You're making me feel like a waste of life.

Eva: Very well. Let me begin the final phase. (She drops down into a crouch, before somersaulting backwards and up into a standing position. With a heave, she then tosses her body so far up into the air that it practically clears the treetops, and as she hurtles back downwards, she begins to twist and flip in a simultaneous pattern as the grand finale.)

DJ: So… beautiful… that really is a work of gymnastic art… (He blows into a handkerchief, and then beckons to Eva's continually falling body.) Just look at it! Look at the way she melds the flips and twists into an almost clockwork body motion! Look at the way the wind and sunlight highlight the glistening muscles as they flex and flatten! Look at the way Tyler is walking right across the mat—TYLER?! (Tyler waves at him.)

Tyler: Hey, DJ! (The rest of the Killer Redwoods notice him, and scream.)

Katie: TYLER?! You're supposed to be tied up! (Tyler chuckles and grins.)

Tyler: I know. But then I figured it out! You guys wanted me to come back and be the hero!

Bridgette: Be the hero of _what_?

Tyler: Hmm… I didn't quite figure that part out yet. But I'm here! (Suddenly, Geoff realizes that Eva's shadow is descending on Tyler.)

Geoff: Uhh… dudes? I think we better brace for impact! (He curls up in a ball on the ground, clutching his hat over his head.)

Katie: Eva, watch out! (But Eva doesn't hear them. She continues to gracefully descend downwards, continually flipping and twisting. That's when she notices the red splotch underneath her.)

Eva: F**k. (Everyone turns away and cringes as they listen to the loud smack, followed by cursing, reaffirming what they knew would happen. As they turn back to see the damage, they witness a disturbing scene. Eva now lays crumpled on top of Tyler, who has his entire body jammed deep into the blue mat, his voice muffled as he groans. Chris scratches his head.)

Chris: Eva… failed? That means… can this be… yes it is! Noah wins! (Trent sprints downwards from the stands and confronts Chris.)

Trent: That's ridiculous, Mclean. Eva _obviously_ had the better routine!

Chris: True. But she didn't land on two feet. And like I said, the finish is the most important part.

Trent: You never said that!

Chris: Hmm? I didn't? Well, I did now. So, despite all odds, Noah seizes the moment, and claims victory for the Screaming Ivy! (Noah and Gwen burst into cheers, while Trent, Courtney, Izzy, Cody, and Lindsay are completely silent. Eva, meanwhile, gets up off of Tyler, and runs over to Chris, fuming.)

Eva: You f**king demented piece of reality show SHIT!

Chris: Are you referring to me?

Eva: YES, I'm referring to you! (She jams a finger into his chest accusingly.) There's not a chance in hell you could've been watching those last three events and not seen that there was audience interference by the same idiot jock over and over again! (She beckons to Tyler, he waves.) THAT'S ILLEGAL!

Chris: Yes, but he was on your team. It would've been illegal if the other team was interfering in an attempt to screw you up, but technically, Tyler could've ended up helping you.

Eva: HOW?!

Chris: I'll… have to get back to you on that one. For now, it's your time to leave, my friend!

Eva: NO WAY! I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE! (She turns around to face the other contestants.) YOU'LL **ALL **LEARN WHY YOU DON'T F*** WITH ME! AHHHH! (She starts to charge towards them, howling, when suddenly, the ground falls out from underneath her, and she goes tumbling downwards.)

Chris (holding up a remote control): This is so useful. (He presses another button, and a large cannon rises up from the hole, with Eva stuffed inside, gagged.)

Eva: MMMMPPPHHH! (Chris turns and grins at the contestants.)

Chris: Before Eva begins her little journey, does anyone have any parting words? (Nobody says anything. Chris chuckles.) I thought so. Well, it's been a pleasure, Eva. Actually, it really hasn't. (With that, he presses another button, and the cannon fires, blasting Eva's body off into the clouds. Chris then addresses the campers.)

Chris: Well, Killer Redwoods, I'll see you guys at the Campfire Ceremony tonight, where one of you will be sacrificed to the gods. You have the afternoon to decide who that person is going to be. (Tyler, meanwhile, has just gotten up, and runs over to his teammates as they shuffle out of the arena.)

Tyler: What happened? Did I save the day? Am I the hero? (The Killer Redwoods turn to him, glaring.)

Bridgette: No, Tyler. You single-handedly ruined any chances of we had of winning. (Tyler gasps.)

Tyler: What? Really? (They nod in response. Tyler stares down at the ground, shocked.) Wow… I can't believe it. (His face becomes resolute and determined.) Well, you know what, guys? I definitely learned a lesson today.

Bridgette: That's good. At least _something _came out of it. What'd you learn? That you have to think before you act?

DJ: Or that severely heavy consequences can result from ill-conceived choices?

Katie: Or that there's a time to be a hero, and a time to shut your trap and get out of the way?

Tyler: Nope! I learned that Tyler is awesome! (His teammates stare at him, and then turn to each other.)

_**Two minutes later…**_

(Tyler is now tied to the support beam again. He chuckles as his teammates walk away, exiting Redemption Arena.)

Tyler: Okay… nice one, guys! Heh heh! Wait, where are you going? COME BACK! Don't leave me! I'll get raped! Do you want this beautiful athletic body to be soiled? Is that what you want? PLEASE! NOOOOOOO!

**Confession Cam**

**Tyler: I guess my teammates just don't like learning a lesson. (He shrugs.) Their loss. **

**Courtney: Uggh… I've never been more frustrated. But I tip my hat to Noah. He really showed us. (She pauses, and scrunches her face up.) What am I saying? Can we cut that? **

**Trent: I'm fine. Really. I'm not mad that Noah is still here, and that he completely owned me today. I'm not! I'm a good sport. (He proudly places a hand on his chest.) **

**(Static)**

**(Trent is screaming and crying about Noah as Courtney slowly drags him out of the confessional.) **

**(Static) **

**Gwen: Life is good. Life where Trent has to stuff a sock in it after failing at failing? Even better. I can only imagine how excited Noah must be. **

**(Static)**

**(Noah is reading his book in the Confessional, not even taking notice of the camera. Finally he glances up, and shrugs.) **

**Noah: Meh. **

**(Static)**

**Geoff: You know, I've been sensing a lot of tension all among our alliance of four. I have to find a way to get us all back united! What should I do? Maybe if I told them all how much they really mean to me, we can get back on track and vote off either Tyler or Ezekiel. But if that doesn't work… (He taps his chin.) I wonder if Chef is still growing marijuana in that garden of his? **

**End of Confessionals **

**Beach**

(Ezekiel and Chef sit on the Dock of Shame with their feet dipped in the water, watching the sunset. Chef is telling a story.)

Chef: So there I was with Martin Luther King Jr., in the thick of the Vietnam War. We were cornered. Three Vietnamese soldiers were closin' in on us. It looked hopeless. But little did the bastards know that I had my secret weapon! (His eyes glint, and Ezekiel jumps up and down in his seat.)

Ezekiel: What was yer secret weapon?! WHAT WAS YER SECRET WEAPON!?

Chef: I was gonna tell ya, boy, before I was interrupted! So get off the ecstacy and let _me_ tell the story! (He gets back into character.) So, I reached into my pocket. I felt the reassuring touch. Then, BAM! I whipped out a piece of the finest printer paper you'd ever seen! Quick as a flash, I whipped it forward—and gave one of 'em a paper cut they wouldn't soon forget. The other two fled, for good reason, too. And just like that, the war had been won. (He grins, putting his hands on his hips.) I then got laid thirty times in five hours that night. The End. (Ezekiel is stunned speechless, before slowly speaking.)

Ezekiel: Wow. These war stories of yours are amazing, eh. I can't believe they're true!

Chef: Why, you can't believe that I rode a microwave oven through the Battle of Thermopylae? YOU THINK THAT SOUNDS RIDICULOUS?

Ezekiel: No way! I believe you, Chef! You're the man. (Chef grins cockily.)

Chef: I _am _the man. But you know what? (He points at finger at Ezekiel.) You're almost 1/10th of the man that I am.

Ezekiel: Really? Do you mean that, eh?

Chef: Of course! Out of all the little brats on this island, you've got the best work ethic. And you've got soul. (He places a hand on Ezekiel chest.) And heart. Besides, you helped me get my life back on track. We sure showed Blaineley and her little bitch Josh!

Ezekiel: Yeah… We're a real team, aren't we? (Chef nods, and suddenly, he gets an idea. He smirks, before turning to the homeschool.)

Chef: Have you ever heard of an "alliance", Ezekiel?

**Confession Cam**

**Chef: So, I baited the farm boy into the third edition of "Chef's Illegal Alliances". But I'm telling you, unlike the other two, this is gonna work. Ezekiel's out of his mind. It'll be easy for him to be my puppet. (He pauses.) Does it seem hypocritical that the moment I get out of something illegal, I start up something else that's illegal? (He shrugs.) I aint got no time to have a conscience! **

**End of Confessionals**

**Screaming Ivy Cabin (Males)**

Noah: You okay there, Trent? (He is watching with amusement as Trent obsessively polishes his guitar, muttering to himself. Trent whips around to face him, his eyes bloodshot.)

Trent: You… you've ruined everything… My plans… RUINED! (Cody, who is sitting on the bed, grins.)

Cody: Well, my day was perfect. (Noah stares at him strangely.)

Noah: How is that possible? You dislocated your arm when a bug landed on it, got beaten up by a girl and stuffed in a toilet, and overall, you were maimed and denigrated for everyone to see. What possibly could've been good about that?

Cody: I got with Eva. We're practically dating now.

Noah: Are you kidding me? Did I forget to mention she _stuffed you in a toilet_?

Cody: I know. (He sighs dreamily. Noah shakes his head in disbelief.)

Noah: I need some fresh air. (He glances over at Trent, who is now singing a lullaby to his guitar. Looking disturbed, the know-it-all gets up from the bed, and walks out onto the cabin porch. As he leans against the railing, he notices Izzy walking past, and waves to her. Izzy just keeps walking. Noah sighs. Suddenly, he notices Chris, leaning on the porch next to him.)

Chris: Ahh… women. So unpredictable. One minute, they're saying they love you. The next minute, they're bashing you over the head with a grapefruit and stealing all of your cash, leaving you to die in the middle of a canyon. (He chuckles.) That bitch… (He turns to Noah.) So I guess Nizzy just isn't meant to be, huh?

Noah: I'm going to skip the question of how you just randomly appeared on this porch, and tell you that you're the reason this all happened. (Chris gasps, looking hurt.)

Chris: What? Why me? What did I do?

Noah: Izzy found out about Mr. Fan. And she didn't treat me like some sort of alpha male. She barely speaks to me anymore!

Chris: It's probably just because she knows that if she exchanges even a few sentences with you, she might not be able to help herself from ripping open your shirt right then and there. (Noah shakes his head.)

Noah: No. I'm just a jerk to her now. It's over. I'm done with trying to make advances with girls. I should just go back to being the wallflower, reading the book in the corner. (Chris grabs Noah and shakes him.)

Chris: No! You can't do that! Think of me—erm, I mean, the fangirls! They'll be crushed!

Noah: Well, what do you think we can do? (Chris suddenly gets an idea. He solemnly beckons for Noah to follow him.)

Chris: Come with me. (Noah tentatively follows Chris as they walk away, in the direction of the beach.)

**Mess Hall (Killer Redwoods Table)**

(Geoff, DJ, Katie, and Bridgette sit around the table, all looking at each other suspiciously in silence. Geoff, trying to break the tension, speaks up.)

Geoff: You know, the atmosphere is feeling very… atmospheric today. What say you, DJ? (DJ catches on, and nods.)

DJ: Um… yeah. Totally. Lots of… um, oxygen in the air today.

Geoff: Totally, man! Care to add your thoughts, Katie and Bridgette? (He turns to Bridgette and Katie, who are staring at each other in pure hatred.)

Katie: Slut.

Bridgette: Whore.

Katie: Bitch.

Bridgette: Uber-bitch.

Katie: Side-character!

Bridgette: Sociopath! (The two turn away from each other, crossing their arms. Geoff nervously glances at DJ for help, but DJ just shrugs, trembling. Geoff forces a smile, and chuckles.)

Geoff: I guess this is where the "drama" in Total Drama comes from. Let's lighten up! It's not all that bad! (He puts his arm around Katie, who shoves him off. Geoff regains his composure, and sighs.)

Geoff: Look, guys, I know this family of ours is going through a rough spot. But we can work through this! Look into my eyes, so you know I'm sincere when I say this. Everybody lean in. (Rolling their eyes, his three alliance-members lean in and listen.) Now, look guys. I'm completely honest when I say that I love all of you.

Katie: Eww… that's gross! I barely even know you!

Geoff: But dudes, it's true! You three are like the family I never had. (His eyes well up with tears.) My real family disowned me, man. Probably because of the time I wouldn't clean up my room. Or that time I wouldn't wash the dishes. (He pauses.) Or that time I built a cereal water-slide in our living room and invited the entire school faculty over to try it out. Or that time I went to church naked because I wanted to be like Jesus. Or that time I accidentally set my dick on fire and tried to put it out by rolling around on the carpet, and ended up burning my whole house down. Or the time I—

Katie: We get it! You're a loser. Get on with it.

Geoff: Okay. What I'm trying to say is, through all my screw-ups, you guys have still stuck with me. That's more than I could ever ask from my friends. YOU GUYS ARE MY EVERYTHING! (He sobs loudly, making everyone turn in the dining hall look over at their table. DJ awkwardly pats Geoff on the back.)

DJ: Shh… it's okay, Geoff… Hush, little baby… (Geoff sniffles and sits up.)

Geoff: I just don't want the party to end, man… IT'S ONLY JUST BEGUN! We're not even past the pre-party refreshments! (Bridgette sighs and glances over at Katie.)

Bridgette: Look… Geoff's right. We may have our issues with one another, but we need to have unity going into the merge. So, I think there's an obvious choice based on the events of today.

Katie: Who?

Bridgette: Who do you think? "The Butterfly" boy has got to go.

Katie: Tyler? Why?

Bridgette: Um, he was only responsible for all four of our losses! In fact, he literally was the epitome of losing!

Katie: But why do we care about challenge strength anymore? The merge is tomorrow!

Bridgette: Why do you care so much about someone not even in our alliance? (She narrows her eyes suspiciously. Katie scowls.)

Katie: Fine. We'll get rid of him. I admit, Tyler is dangerous. The other side could literally sway him to by offering him a banana. (Bridgette turns to DJ and Geoff.)

Bridgette: Are you two cool with this?

DJ: I'm down. Geoff? (Geoff is trembling, tears welling up in his eyes.)

Geoff: Guys… thank you so much. You know what? Kisses for everybody. (He leans over and kisses Bridgette on the cheek. He then turns to DJ and kisses him on the cheek as well, making the brickhouse scoot away from him. Geoff starts to move over to Katie, but she gets up from her seat. Geoff falls forward, and lands on his face, kissing the seat, instead. Katie starts to make her way towards the door.)

Bridgette: And just where are _you _going?

Katie: I need to go talk to Tyler. I'll also see if I can find Ezekiel, and see if he's been gathering any information. Somehow I doubt it.

Bridgette: Why? Why would you need to do that? (She eyes Katie, thinking she has caught her in the act.)

Katie: You're not too bright, are you? I need to go give them someone to vote for. We have to control our enemies, too, you know. If you knew anything about strategy, you'd know _that_. (She exits the Mess Hall. Bridgette thinks for a moment.)

Bridgette: The question is, who is she referring to there? Them, or _us_? (She turns to Geoff.) Geoff, honey, can you do a favor for me?

Geoff: Bridgette, I would die happy knowing I had fulfilled a favor for you.

Bridgette: That's, um… that's great Geoff. Now, I need you to follow Katie. I want you to find out what she's _actually _doing. Think you can… (She trails off as Geoff has already raced out the door. Bridgette shakes her head and sighs.) I have a bad feeling about this.

**Confession Cam**

**Bridgette: I'm hoping that Geoff can gather some important information. Somehow, I don't think that's going to be the case. But who knows? Maybe Geoff will show some strategic complexity for once. **

**Geoff: I love fiddling with my bellybutton. (He digs his finger into his bellybutton, giggling.) **

**Katie: I'm just going to start by saying one thing. Tyler isn't going home. I need him, and I need Ezekiel. They're both idiotic pawns, which, to me, are the most useful in this game. I would target Bridgette, but I know I can't convince Geoff to vote for her. But DJ? I think I have the perfect way of forcing Geoff to vote him off. You'll see. Geoff is about to be in for a major decision. I hope he's ready. **

**(Geoff continues to fiddle with his bellybutton. He then pulls out his finger, and tastes it.) **

**Geoff: Hm. Not bad. **

**End of Confessionals **

**Redemption Coliseum **

(It is now late evening. Tyler is still tied up, and his eyelids are beginning to droop. Suddenly, a loud roar comes from deep within the forest, making the jock's eyes burst open. He trembles.)

Tyler: Please… nobody rape me… I'm just a young boy! (He starts to cry.) Just… a young… boy… who's super awesome… WAAAHHH! (Katie steps out of the shadows, scowling.)

Katie: Nobody would ever _want _to rape you, Tyler, so you have nothing to worry about.

Tyler: Monster? No wait! KATIE! You came for me! (He sobs.) I love you so much! (Katie groans.)

Katie: God, are all the males on my team acting like a bunch of sentimental old grandmas now? Get your head together! We're going to Campfire Ceremony tonight, Tyler. We're about an hour away. And you are going to vote for DJ.

Tyler: What? No! DJ's my bro, yo! Can't we vote for Katie?

Katie: That would be a good plan, except for that fact that I'M Katie! (Tyler gulps.)

Tyler: Oops. Oh yeah. Forgot. But no! I can't vote for DJ! He's my only black friend!

Katie: I don't think you're getting the message, Tyler. If you don't vote for DJ, you're going home. DJ's voting for you. Why is it so ridiculous for you to vote for him? (Geoff, meanwhile, has just arrived after her, and hides in the shadows.)

Tyler: Wait… people are voting for me? Why?

Katie: You can't possibly be asking that question. But it's true. Even DJ is voting for you. So if you don't join my plan in voting for DJ, you'll be sent to Redemption Cabin, where Alejandro will wipe the floor with you. (Geoff's brow furrows in confusion at what he hears. Tyler thinks for a second.)

Tyler: Hmm… you bring up some good points. But I'm still not sold on the DJ idea.

Katie: I'll throw in a banana.

Tyler: Hell yeah! Potassium! Let's do it! (Katie smirks, and stuffs a banana in his mouth. He munches on it with content, like a baby with a pacifier.)

Katie: Now if I just could find Ezekiel… (As if on cue, she sees Ezekiel slowly creeping past the stadium, not noticing them.) Ezekiel! Where the f**k have you been? (Ezekiel screams when he sees her.)

Ezekiel: Um… the Spy of the Night disappears into the shadows, and the bystanders forget they ever saw hi—

Katie: Stop pulling that spy crap and get over here right now! (Ezekiel dejectedly walks over to Tyler and Katie. Katie crosses her arms once he arrives.)

Katie: Well, if it isn't Agent I'm-Too-Cool-To-Be-With-My-Team. You better have some damn good dirt on the Screaming Ivies.

Ezekiel: Oh yeah! _That's _what I was supposed to do! (Katie stares at him.)

Katie: So you mean to tell me you were gone all this time, and you didn't even do jack squat? So you wasted the entire day? (Ezekiel frowns.)

Ezekiel: That's not true, eh. I accomplished a lot, in my opinion. I had a deep, delving look into my soul, and made a meaningful bond with someone that helped me truly understand the meaning of friendship.

Katie: So I'm right! You _did _waste the entire day! Well, while you were off in Yo Gabba Gabba land, here at Total Drama, we have to vote someone off.

Ezekiel: Really? That's a shame. Who are you thinking of?

Katie: It has to be DJ.

Ezekiel: No! It can't be DJ! He's my only black friend!

Tyler: EXACTLY! (They high-five.)

Katie: Yeah, but you should've seen him today. He completely lost all the challenges for us! (Geoff gasps at this, and shakes his head. Tyler, meanwhile, whose mouth is full of banana, raises an eyebrow.)

Tyler: I thought _I _was the reason we—(Katie stuffs another banana is his mouth, choking him.)

Ezekiel: Wow… really? I can't imagine that.

Katie: I was shocked, too. And don't you always say, Ezekiel, that a team is only as strong as their weakest link?

Tyler: Hey! _I'm _the one that always says tha—(Katie stuffs another banana in his mouth, cutting him off.)

Ezekiel: Well, when you put it that way… it certainly makes sense, then.

Katie: Good. Now, Bridgette and DJ are probably going to approach you, telling you to vote off Tyler. They'll tell you the exact same story, except they'll be replacing DJ with Tyler as the one responsible for the loss. You can choose who you believe. But remember: you heard it from me first. (Geoff slaps his head.)

Geoff: I can't believe it. I'm so stupid! (Tyler, meanwhile, gagging on the three half-eaten bananas in his mouth, coughs and spits them up, right onto Katie's feet.)

Katie: TYLER! Those were my new shoes! You moron! I'll kill you! (She's about to raise her hand up to slap him in the face, when her wrist is grabbed from behind. She turns around in surprise and bumps into Geoff, who is staring at her in disgust.)

Geoff: You have some explaining to do, _friend_. (He spits the word. Katie's eyes grow wide, and she swallows nervously.)

Katie: Can we go talk about this somewhere else? (Geoff shrugs, and Katie leads him over to a secluded location outside the arena. Once they are there, she faces him, tapping her fingers together.) Did you… did you hear all of that?

Geoff: Every word. (He leans forward, his eye cold.) You know, I trusted you. I called you my friend. Does that word not even mean anything to you anymore?

Katie: Friendship is overrated, Geoff. (Geoff throws his hands up in exasperation.)

Geoff: I don't understand! Do you not remember you once had a best friend that meant everything to you? (Katie turns away from him.)

Katie: I'm done with Sadie. She was holding me back.

Geoff: Oh really? No, I think she was the only thing grounding you in reality. Okay, but that's not the real problem. I get you're playing the game. You can target whoever you like. But why DJ? Why him? What did he do to deserve to be betrayed like this? And by his girlfriend!

Katie: That's why you're so ignorant, Geoff. You actually thought I liked DJ? That was strictly manipulation. You don't understand, do you? This whole game is just hopping from one tool to the next. Once I am done using that tool, I throw it away. DJ stopped doing what I told him to. Therefore, I knew I had to get rid of him. (She smiles maliciously at Geoff, who has never looked madder.) And to achieve that, you're the final part of that equation, Geoff. (Geoff laughs in disbelief.)

Geoff: You're out of your mind. You want me to vote for my BEST FRIEND?! What world are you living in? (Katie's grin grows wider.)

Katie: The problem is, Geoff, you don't have much of a choice.

Geoff: And why is that? There's always a choice!

Katie: Not this time. Because if you don't do what I say, Bridgette is going home, instead. (Geoff looks like he has been punched in the gut.)

Geoff: No… not Bridgette… (He glares at Katie.) But you don't have the numbers!

Katie: I don't? I'll just tell DJ to vote for her. You don't think he wouldn't? He worships the ground I walk on.

Geoff: Exactly! And now you're going to crush his heart? By getting blindsided by his very first girlfriend? Where is your humanity?!

Katie: This conversation is going through pointless loops. I laid out the facts for you, Geoff. Now it's your decision. (With that, she walks off into the night, leaving Geoff looking pale and sickly.)

**Confession Cam**

**Geoff: Man, things just got heavier than I ever thought they could. (He starts to sweat.) What do I do? Do I betray my friend to save my girl? Or do I take the risk of my girl going home to save my friend? Either way, I'll probably end up looking like a major douche. (He sighs.) Man, what happened to the days when I was just in here playing with my bellybutton? **

**Katie: I love seeing Geoff squirm. It's about time he realized this game isn't one big stoner circle. We're not all friends here. Some of us are here to win. **

**End of Confessionals **

**Mess Hall Kitchen**

(Ezekiel and Chef are cleaning dishes together, as Ezekiel tells Chef about his confrontation with Katie.)

Ezekiel: Man, I tell ya, this is one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. I mean, this is even harder than choosing between 2 ply and 4 ply toilet paper, and that kept me up at night for weeks! I mean, what should I do, Chef? Katie wants me to vote for DJ, while Bridgette wants me to vote for Tyler! I don't know who I should listen to, eh! WHAT SHOULD I DO?! IN WHOM CAN I PLACE MY TRUST?! (Suddenly, Chef smashes the plate he is cleaning down onto the countertop, shattering it and shutting Ezekiel up. Ezekiel stares at him in fear. Chef slowly wipes the shards of plate off his hands, before smashing his fist down in frustration.)

Chef: You've. Learned. NOTHING! First of all, only an arrogant dickweed would use such a hellish word as "whom". And what do I always tell you? (Ezekiel stares at him blankly.) I always tell you, "Women can't be trusted"!

Ezekiel: I don't think you've ever told me that, eh.

Chef: Well, even if I didn't, it's a well-known fact. You should know it, you're a sexist pig. Women are master manipulators. They'll put their lips around anything if it means taking your wallet.

Ezekiel: That's a very derogatory generalization, Chef.

Chef: Maybe a little bit. But that's not even the worst part. The worst part is that all women loathe each other! They get all catty when the other one calls them fat, or steals her little "boytoy". It's stupid! And then they force us men to pick a side! That's what's happening with you, Ezekiel. They want to strip you of your manhood! They want to turn you into a woman! Do you want to become a woman, boy?

Ezekiel: NO! I love my manhood! I don't want to lose it! (He wipes his brow, and turns to Chef questioningly.) So what do I do, eh?

Chef: You sit back, and stay out of those fireworks. You don't want no firecracker getting' shoved up yo' ass.

Ezekiel: Um… what?

Chef: It's a metaphor! The point is, you have to keep your options open. If you commit one way or another, you're stuck for the rest of the game. So tonight, we're going to throw a vote towards somebody who nobody else is voting for.

Ezekiel: And who would that be?

Chef: It's gotta be that pink-wearin' fool who spells his name like a retard. What's his name?

Ezekiel: You mean Geoff?

Chef: Yeah! That's the guy. Perfect. Nobody will even notice you voted for him, and you'll still be free from the constricting grasp of the females.

Ezekiel: But there's something I don't understand. You always tell me to stand up for what I believe in. How is hiding and voting pointlessly for Geoff standing up for anything? (Chef falls deathly silent, narrowing his eyes at Ezekiel. Then he speaks.)

Chef: You know, my grandpa once told me something. If you want to be seen, stand up. If you want to be heard, speak up. If you want to be respected, _shut up_.

Ezekiel: I know, but—

Chef: Now tell me. Who's the guy who's been in two illegal-erm, I mean _legal _alliances?

Ezekiel (sighing): You have, eh. (Chef nods and places a hand on Ezekiel's shoulder.)

Chef: Listen, my boy. I see so much potential in you; I really do. But you still have a lot to learn about the real world. You need to see that you can't always do the necessarily "right" thing. That doesn't win you a million dollars. And I am honest when I say that this alliance is unlike the other ones that I've been in. I seriously think we can go all the way to the end.

Ezekiel: R-really? You really think so, eh?

Chef: Absolutely. But to do that, you need to shut up, and let me handle things. (Ezekiel slowly begins to nod, until he becomes increasingly enthusiastic.)

Ezekiel: OK! I'll do exactly what you say! My mouth will be so silent, it'll be like I practically have it stuffed with a—

Chef: You know, you can start heeding my advice right now. In other words, shut up. Oh, and one more thing: at the Campfire Ceremony, if Chris asks you a question, I want you to say the following: "While I respect your question and this game, I am choosing not to answer it due to personal reasons I care not to publicly discuss."

Ezekiel: Huh? Why?

Chef: You've always had a problem with giving stupid answers at the Elimination Ceremony, right? Sayin' stupid shit like "I like to dance" as an answer to a question about your strategic position. This is simply damage control. We have to be careful from now on. Everything you say can and will be used against you in this game. (Ezekiel scrunches up his eyebrows.)

Ezekiel: I really think you're looking into this too much, eh. Nobody even pays attention during that part of the ceremony. In fact, Geoff is usually fast asleep up until we have to vote. I have the duty of waking him up. (He says this with a hint of pride.)

Chef: And that's because he's usually intoxicated! You see, Geoff doesn't care about his image. He just sits around with his finger jammed up his bellybutton. That's why he isn't an audience favorite. But that won't be the case with you. I mean, it's not like the audience votes on the winner of the game. But if I'm going to raise a champion, he's gonna be the one that the audience loves. You'll be so popular, that when fans see you in public, they'll probably sexually assault you, just like those Cody fangirls. We'll need to trim up your image quite a bit to get there. (He hits Ezekiel on the back.) But a good first step would be a nice, smooth, no-idiocy Campfire Ceremony tonight, without any nudity whatsoever. (He jams his finger into Ezekiel's chest.) Hear that? _No nudity_. And that means of any sort. The editors had to spend a long time removing that segment of you ripping off your shirt and bragging about your manboobs to the other campers after last Campfire Ceremony.

Ezekiel: But they're so succulent, eh! I'll prove it! (He starts to lift up his shirt, but Chef quickly stops him.)

Chef: I don't wanna see them, fool! It's not socially acceptable for you to be parading those around like they're their own show!

Ezekiel: Yer just jealous, eh.

Chef: I'm not jealous! Why should I be? My chest has the most shapely, distinguished moobs on this island! Not like anyone's bragging about that, or anything. Now get the f**k out of here and go to the Campfire Ceremony already! (Ezekiel pauses.)

Ezekiel: I still think my manboobs are better.

Chef: GO! (Ezekiel runs out of the kitchen.)

**Confession Cam**

**Ezekiel: I really am happy I got in a solid alliance with Chef Hatchet, don't get me wrong. He seems to really know what he's doing, eh. With him, I know I've got a guy I can trust. Plus, he's black, so that automatically makes him awesome! (He pauses.) Was that racist? Probably was. Anyways, despite all this, I can't help but feel that something aboot this all feels wrong. Chef's been talking a lot aboot reworking my image, so that I become an audience favorite, like Owen and Duncan. But in the process, he's gotten a little… um… controlling? For one, he thinks I say "eh" to much, eh. But that's not really fair. I feel that—(Suddenly, the door bursts open, and Chef Hatchet runs in.) **

**Chef: Hold that thought. (He grabs Ezekiel by the shoulders, and shifts the homeschool so that he is facing the camera slightly more.) Perfect. From now on, sit like this when you're confessing. It makes you look more personable to the audience, and the way you're angled really enhances your shoulder blades. Carry on! (He runs out and slams the door. Ezekiel is silent for a moment, thinking.) **

**Ezekiel: Hmm… where was I, eh? Darn, I lost my train of thought. Oh well. Let's talk about something else! Hmm… what to talk about… You know, I'm really into cauliflower lately. (He holds up a head of cauliflower out of his pants and takes a bite out of it, grinning.) That is some damn good cauliflower, eh. **

**Outside the Killer Redwoods Cabin**

(Geoff is sitting in a chair on the porch, staring forward blankly with empty eyes. His whole body is trembling. Suddenly, the door to the girls' side slams open, making Geoff jump in surprise and tip backwards in his chair, toppling over onto his back. Bridgette, who is just exiting the girls' cabin, screams and runs over to help him up.)

Bridgette: Geoff?! Are you okay?

Geoff: Yeah, babe… heh heh… I'm just a little… tired… (He tries to avoid her eye contact.)

Bridgette: Well, can you please not fall asleep at the Ceremony like you always do? It's kind of embarrassing when Ezekiel has to hit you over the head with a sledgehammer to wake you up for the vote.

Geoff: Don't worry. I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep at all tonight. (He stares down at his reflection in a nearby puddle. Bridgette shrugs.)

Bridgette: Yeah, me too. Especially if Ezekiel decides to display his "male melons" again for all of us to see. (The surfer girl shudders, and then suddenly, she snaps her fingers.) Oh wait! I almost forgot! Did you follow Katie like I told you to? (Geoff nods, looking away.) And…?

Geoff: I followed Katie and—(His voice cracks.)—She… she went for a walk through the woods.

Bridgette: That's all? (Geoff nods.)

Geoff: That's all. (He forces a fake smile. Bridgette smiles back, thinking it is genuine.)

Bridgette: Whew. I was really worried there. But it looks like Katie is planning her move for another night.

Geoff: Yep. I guess that's the case. (Bridgette stares into his face.)

Bridgette: Are you sure you didn't hit your head when you fell from that chair? Usually by this point in the conversation you would've said something completely moronic. (Geoff shrugs.)

Geoff: I guess I'm just trying to become a new man. And that involves maturing a little. (Bridgette stares at him for a moment, before she hugs him tightly.)

Bridgette (nestling her head against his chest): Well, you know what? It feels like this "new man" is winning my heart all over again. (Geoff stares down at her, looking extremely uncomfortable. The party boy then stutters something incomprehensible, and slips out of her hug, before racing off. Bridgette calls after him.)

Bridgette: What's up? Where are you going?

Geoff: Um… the cabin!

Bridgette: Why the heck would you think the cabin is over there? You were just standing on the cabin porch here with me! (Geoff, who is now standing over by the Confessional bathroom, grins sheepishly.)

Geoff: Oops! Good point. Well, since I'm over here at the Confession cam, might as well confess. (He rapidly jumps in and shuts the door behind him. Bridgette shakes her head.)

Bridgette: And… back to being moronic. (She smiles to herself as she heads over to the Campfire Ceremony.)

**Confession Cam **

**Geoff: Man, I can't take the pressure anymore… I feel like all eyes are on me, and if I don't make the right choice, everyone will never respect me again! (He grabs his cheeks and pulls them down, moaning.) I need a way to solve this. But there isn't a solution! I feel so trapped! SO HELPLESS! SO LOST! AAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHH! (He yells in anguish, his voice raspy and strained. Suddenly, there is a knock on the door.) **

**DJ: Geoff? You alright, bro? You sound constipated. **

**Geoff: MY LIFE IS CONSTIPATED! (He throws open the door to the Confessional, and sprints past DJ, sobbing. DJ watches him leave, and then turns to the camera.) **

**DJ: Damn. Now that's some intense, quality confessing right there. Good for you, Geoff! **

**End of Confessionals**

**Campfire Ceremony**

(Everyone is now sitting on their stumps, waiting for Chris to arrive. Bridgette and Katie are watching each other suspiciously from opposite sides of the pit, DJ is glancing around nervously, Geoff is rocking in his chair and sucking his thumb, Tyler is lifting two-pound weights and grunting with pain, and Ezekiel is jiggling his manboobs and chuckling. Suddenly, bright lights appear in the distance, and slowly get bigger.)

Katie: Oh boy. (She groans as the lights make themselves out to be Chris, riding in a chariot with a torch held in his hands and a flaming headpiece upon his head. Once again, two interns are slowly pulling him forward, groaning from the weight. As Chris comes closer, he waves at the Killer Redwoods.)

Chris: Welcome, my friends! To your final Campfire Ceremony of the pre-merge!

Katie: Why should you be welcoming us? _You're _the one that's fifty minutes late!

Chris: Am I?

Katie: Yes, you are! Oh, and by the way? Your hair is on fire.

Chris: Huh? (He feels his head, and screams when he realizes that the fire from his headpiece has spread to his hair, due to the highly flammable hairspray he has used on it. Chris screams and lunges out of the chariot, stepping on one of the intern's heads in the process. Patting his hair frantically, the host runs down the dock until he reaches the end of it, and quickly dips his head in the water. The fire is put out, and Chris sighs with relief.)

Chris: Ahhh… much better. (Suddenly, he loses his balance, and falls forward into the water with a huge splash.)

**(Static)**

(Chris sits soaking wet, pouting. He has a towel wrapped around him, and half of his hair is singed off.)

DJ: So… can we get to the ceremony now?

Chris: Hmmph.

Bridgette: Okay, you've sat there pouting for the last half hour. It's not going to change anything.

Chris: Uggh… FINE! But that would've been a really sexy entrance, you must admit.

Ezekiel: I think it was pretty sexy anyway.

Chris: Really?

Ezekiel: Yeah! It was pretty "hot", eh. Heh heh. (Chris beams.)

Chris: You're right! I guess it was! I'm super sexy anyway! (He grins, not noticing that the other half of his hair has fallen off, leaving him completely bald.) Now, let's get to those questions, before one of you becomes the final sacrifice to the great god Alejandro.

Bridgette: Alejandro? God? Ha, maybe god of the douchebags.

Chris: Even so, he's still got some incredibly chiseled abs and vibrant green eyes that I can't help but get lost in. (Everyone stares at him. Chris coughs, and continues.) So, Killer Redwoods. There once existed twelve of you, back in a happier time. Since then, in a series of shocking and heartbreaking losses, you have parted ways with half of your team members. You've said goodbye to hellish Heather, loud and large Leshawna, super-pointless Sadie, obese and overused Owen, psycho Sierra, and hereditarily handicapped Harold. I made those alliterations myself, believe it or not. (He chuckles.) Anyways, there are now only six of you left. After tonight, there will be just five. What's running through your mind as I say this, Tyler?

Tyler: What the heck is an alliteration?

Chris: Okay, no more questions for Tyler. (He turns to Katie, who scowls at him.) So, Katie. While we're on the topic of Tyler, you have to agree with me in that he pretty much blew it today in the challenges. How big of a factor is that going into tonight's vote?

Katie: You're bald and ugly.

Chris: Okay, no more questions for Katie. Ezekiel! You surely have an interesting answer to provide for us. What are you basing tonight's vote on? (Ezekiel swallows deeply, and starts to speak, stuttering fiercely as he tries to remember what Chef told him to say.)

Ezekiel: Erm… W-while respect is respect, Chris, this g-game is too personal reasons for question game choosing it publicly, potatoes. (He gives a thumbs-up over to Chef, who is hiding behind a tree. The cook groans, and puts his head in his hands. Chris, looking very perturbed, speaks again.)

Chris: Okay… no more questions for Ezekiel, either. Mostly because I think he might have just developed epilepsy. Can anybody provide some insight into the dynamics of this team? This is getting ridiculous! (DJ raises his hand, making Chris clap with delight.) DJ! Look at DJ, raising his hand. What a respectful young lad. Please, speak!

DJ: I just wanted to commend someone for what they did today, Chris. Coming back from the challenge, we were all a little tense. Only natural, of course. Things were shaping up to get pretty ugly, I'm not gonna lie. People were calling each other names, hurting each other's feelings… I admit, I wet my pants in fear a few times. But then my pal Geoff here brought us all together, and really helped things get back on track. And I know he may be a little constipated lately, but you know what? We'll help him through it, just like he helped us! Because we're a team again, thanks to him! I love you, man! (He pats Geoff on the back, making the party boy only becomes paler.)

Chris: Aww… that was so sweet, albeit really gay. So it sounds like you're quite the hero, Geoff. Why did you feel the need to do what you did? (Geoff tries to speak, but just vomits all over the ground, instead. Chris jumps back to avoid the splatter.)

Chris: Okay, no more questions for Geoff. Bridgette, any thoughts you'd like to share?

Bridgette: Not really.

Chris: Come on! This has got to be the worst Campfire Ceremony ever. Back to Tyler. Despite DJ's claim that you're all one big happy family, have you seen any divisions possibly forming among the team?

Tyler: Nah, I prefer multiplication.

Chris: Huh?

Tyler: I don't like division, dude! Too many fractions. I prefer multiplication! How hard is it to understand? (Chris sighs.)

Chris: I officially give up. Just go vote!

Tyler: Somebody obviously isn't a fan of math.

**Confession Cam**

**Katie: Well, time to send the little baby home. DJ, I hope you realize that this isn't personal. I just really don't like you. **

**Bridgette: I'm voting for Tyler. (The door opens, and Chris taps on his watch impatiently. Bridgette scowls, and slams the door on him, crushing his arm.) **

**Ezekiel: This is kind of awkward, eh. (The camera pans out to show that he is sitting on Chef's lap.) **

**Chef: Just vote, boy. I don't trust you otherwise. **

**(Static) **

**Tyler: Well, it's time. Now, if only I could remember what I was supposed to do in here… **

**Geoff: Urrnggh… (He clenches his teeth, clutching the pen, in deep, conflicted thought. He starts to right a "T", then crosses it out and replaces it with a "J". He then frantically crosses out the "J", and replaces it with a "T", before crossing that out and replacing it with an "O". Geoff stares down at the paper, and then crumples it up.) WHAT DO I DOOOOOOOOOOOOOO?! (Suddenly, he hears Chris from outside the confessional.) **

**Chris: Wow. He really does sound constipated.**

**Geoff: LEAVE ME ALONE! **

**(Static)**

**DJ: I totally feel like everyone is completely on the same page. It's nice without all the drama! **

**End of Confessionals **

Chris: Well, despite DJ's picture of a unified team, tonight's vote was anything but that. It certainly was not unanimous, that's for sure. So, since it is Olympic day, tonight, instead of granola bars, I will be passing out stylish Olympic medals for the lot of you. (He holds up a cardboard cut-out circle attached to a string.)

Katie: That's not a gold medal! That looks like a something an artistically-challenged kindergartner would make in arts-and-crafts!

Chris: What are you talking about? This is a quality gold medal. See? You can put it around your neck. (He tries to put it on, but ends up choking himself. Ripping it off and taking deep breaths of air, Chris continues.)

Chris: However, one of you will not get to experience Olympic glory tonight. Whoever does not receive a gold medal must immediately head over to Redemption Cabin. Let's get right to it, then. In a night filled with votes all over the place, there's only really one person who has stayed away from the wreckage. That is, shockingly, Ezekiel. (Ezekiel cheers wildly, and runs up to grab his Olympic medal. He puts it around his neck proudly, and puffs up his chest.)

Ezekiel: I've never felt so important, eh! This is incredible! (He turns to his teammates.) I'd like to thank my family, for supporting me, as well as my—

Chris: Yeah… that's great, Ezekiel. (He shoves the prairie boy out of the way.) The next two medals go to Katie and Bridgette. Come on up, girls! (Katie and Bridgette both get up, and subsequently stomp up to Chris, eyeing each other. They both grab at the same medal.)

Katie: Hands off, mermaid.

Bridgette: What happened to _unanimous vote_, Katie? (Katie rips the medal out of Bridgette's hands, and smirks.)

Katie: You've really got a lot to learn about lying, don't you? (She puts the medal on, and walks over to Ezekiel, leaving Bridgette standing there. Now only DJ, Tyler, and Geoff remain.)

Chris: So, DJ, Geoff, and Tyler. The three jocks. Kind of ironic that in the day we do Olympic challenges, you guys end up being the bottom three. The next person safe is Geoff. (Geoff continues to sit in his seat, as white as sheet.) Geoff? (Geoff still doesn't respond.) Okay, we'll see if we can get Geoff some laxatives later. Now, DJ and Tyler. It only makes sense that you two are the bottom two. I assume it has to do with the fact that you guys crushed me under a Port-a-Potty, and your teammates wanted to gain back my honor.

Katie: Nope. Not at all. (Chris scowls at her.)

Chris: Just eat your granola bar, woman.

Katie: You gave us gold medals, idiot, not granola bars. (Chris scowls.)

Chris: Well, you're a poopy face. (He grins.) I got you there, didn't I?

Katie: Can you just get on with it?

Chris: Very well. So, Tyler and DJ. You both have fair reasons for why you're here. Tyler, you lost the pole-vault challenge for your team, lost the volleyball challenge for your team, lost the 400 meter dash challenge for your team, and lost the gymnastics challenge for your team. Plus, the whole time, you acted like a complete dick. You weren't even very funny. There is not a single positive thing you brought to the episode today.

Tyler: Thanks, man!

Chris: And DJ. There are also plenty of reasons why you're here. Wait a minute. Actually, there aren't. I can't think of a single reason for why you'd be in the bottom two. But you're here nonetheless. Now, only one of you can have the final Olympic medal. Who will get to taste the gold? Here we go. The final gold medal goes to…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

Chris. Oops, hold on a second. I forgot who was being voted off. Oh well, time for more dot dot dot's! (Everyone groans.) The last gold medal goes to…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

Tyler. (Katie smirks at Geoff, who is back to being curled up in a ball.)

DJ: _What? _

Bridgette: _What?!_

Tyler: AW YEAH! TO THE EXTREME! (He runs and grabs the final medal. DJ, meanwhile, is shocked silent.)

DJ: B-but… h-how…

Chris: Unfortunately, it doesn't matter how. If that were the case, we'd be sitting here wondering how I've still never gotten to have sex with Jennifer Anniston. It's time for you to go, my man. (DJ gets up, as Bridgette watches helplessly. Slowly, the animal lover walks forward, when suddenly, Geoff jumps up.)

Geoff: I did it!

DJ: Huh? What do you mean?

Geoff: I can't live in a lie any longer! I voted for you, DJ! (He points at Katie accusingly.) And it was her! She was the one that forced me to do it!

Katie: I didn't "force" you to do anything, Geoff. If you had voted for Tyler, what could I have done? Tyler would've gone home, simple as that. You let your fear overpower you tonight.

Geoff: You witch! DJ, I'm sorry, brah! (DJ smiles sadly.)

DJ: I get it, dude. No explanation needed. It's just a game, right? I've wanted to leave since day one. This game just isn't for me, I guess. (Bridgette, however, is enraged.)

Bridgette: No! This isn't okay! Why does DJ have to go? Why did he deserve any of this? He's the nicest one of all of us! Geoff, how could you do this?

Geoff: Bridgette, I'm sorr—(But Bridgette has already run off. DJ pats Geoff on the back.)

DJ: She'll forgive you, man. Once she realizes I'm happier this way. (Geoff nods.)

Geoff: I…I—Sorry, I can't speak English right now, I'm choking up too much. I'm just going to speak to you in "Dude" dialect. (He clears his throat.) Dude, I'm duding up the dude right dude…

DJ: Dude… it's dude, dude. Dudes can dude a dude if duding is to dude. (Geoff nods.)

Geoff: Dude.

DJ: Dude! (The two hug.)

Chris: Can you stop with the incomprehensible bromancing and start with the exiting?

Geoff: We're having a moment here, dude!

DJ: Chris is right, dude… I need to go. (Geoff nods, and DJ now continues onward. He stops at Katie, who rolls her eyes.)

DJ: So… I guess this is goodbye, huh? Maybe we could, um… I don't know, kiss?

Katie: Yes, about that… unfortunately, I must end our relationship. It simply won't work at this point in time. Good luck in life, DJ. (DJ hangs his head and nods. Now completely dejected, he starts walking towards the forest. Suddenly, Ezekiel lunges at him, and clings to his back, sobbing.)

Ezekiel: No, man! Don't go, eh! I LOVE YOU! You're like a brother to me! (Chef runs forward and tries to pry Ezekiel off.)

Chef: Stop it, boy! You barely even know DJ! You're makin' a fool of yo'self! (He grabs Ezekiel by the legs, and tugs. Ezekiel digs his fingers into DJ's shoulder blades, holding on.)

Ezekiel: No, eh! You aint never gonna make me let go! NEVER! (However, Chef is finally able to tug him free, and the two collapse on the ground. DJ, not noticing any of this, slowly makes his way into the forest, shoulders slumped.)

Chris: Well, that was a depressing goodbye. Hopefully, suicide is not in the future for our pal DJ. So, Killer Redwoods, the rest of you have made it to the merge. Congratz! I'll see you guys tomorrow for the festivities. (With that, he claps his hands, and teleports away. Tyler runs off, cheering, while Ezekiel is dragged away by Chef. This leaves just Geoff and Katie. Katie walks over to the cereal-lover, who is staring at the dying coals of the fire.)

Katie: Excellent work. You've turned out to be more useful than I expected. (Geoff suddenly turns to her, his teeth clenched.)

Geoff: Can't you see what you've done? You've ruined my life!

Katie: Yes. Doesn't it feel great?

Geoff: You better enjoy this victory right now, you sinister sorceress. Because you know what? I'm going to single-handedly make sure that you're eliminated from this game for what you did tonight. And once you're gone? I'm going to throw the maddest party ever. And it'll be celebrating your demise. (He stands up, grinning evilly.) BOOYAH! (With that, he stomps away, leaving Katie watching him leave, smirking to herself.)

**Outside the Screaming Ivy Cabin**

(Noah is leaning against the wall of the cabin, brushing his teeth with an electric toothbrush. He watches in amusement as Tyler runs by, whooping in victory, followed by Ezekiel, screaming as he gets dragged along by Chef, followed by Geoff, who stomps past in anger. Noah spits into the bushes.)

Noah: I won't even try to comprehend that. (Suddenly, Izzy walks by, and sees him brushing his teeth.)

Izzy: OH MY GOD, IS THAT ANOTHER DILD—

Noah: No! How many times do I have to tell you that it's an _electric toothbrush_? (Izzy slowly walks over, curious.)

Izzy: Does this "electric toothbrush" of yours bring you great pleasure?

Noah (sarcastically): Um… sure. I totally get off on the idea of having good oral health. (Izzy grins evilly, and rips the electric toothbrush from his hands. Then she throws it into the bushes.)

Izzy: There! Now you know how I feel! (Noah groans, and rubs his eyes.)

Noah: Listen, Izzy, we need to talk. If I could just explain to you, you'd understand that there was a genuine reason for why I got rid of Mr. Fan.

Izzy: Why? Because you have a heart of pure darkness?

Noah: No! I did it because I was jealous. (Izzy falls silent. Noah takes a deep breath.) Yes, it's true. I saw you with Mr. Fan, and I was envious, because you were paying so much attention to him, and acting like I didn't even exist.

Izzy: Wait a minute… you were there the whole time? I thought you had gone on a vacation or something!

Noah: Nope. I was constantly trying to get your attention, and you never even gave me the satisfaction of a simple "hello". I would've even settled for you stuffing a stick of dynamite down my pants like you usually greet me with!

Izzy: But… why?

Noah: Because I like you, Izzy. A lot. This is the strongest feeling I've ever felt for someone. Well, the strongest feeling that wasn't contempt, disgust, or pure hatred. (Izzy continues to refuse to look at him, and Noah sighs.) Look; I shouldn't have drowned Mr. Fan. But for some reason, I just couldn't stand being ignored by you. Which is really strange, because I hate people. But with you, it drove me absolutely crazy that you didn't acknowledge my existence. That's the reason why I teamed up with Chris to get rid of Mr. Fan. I regret having done it. But there's nothing we can do now. So can you just give me another chance? (Izzy is silent for a long time. Then she bursts out laughing.)

Izzy: Wow… I can't believe Noah likes me! This is just too golden! (She laughs.) Was that scripted? That sounded really scripted.

Noah: It wasn't! It came from my heart.

Izzy: I bet you want to touch my boobs.

Noah: T-touch… y-your… (His mouth starts to water, and then he snaps out of it.) No! I respect you too much for that. (He takes her hand.) Please, Izzy. You mean so much to me. I don't even know why, either. That's just how it is. You drive me absolutely insane. But I want to be with you, even if that means living in a mental home. Because at least we'll have each other. What do you say? (Izzy stares at him, smiling.)

Izzy: Noah, this is really corny and weird. Please don't ever do something like this again. But I forgive you. (With that, she hugs him. Noah smiles with relief, and then pulls away.)

Noah: I have a surprise to show you. Come around back with me. (He leads Izzy around to behind the cabin. When Izzy sees what's there, she gasps in surprise. There, towering before them, is Mr. Fan, soaking wet.)

Izzy: MR. FAN! You're alive! (Noah winks at her.)

Noah: It took me and Chris a long time to fish him out. But it was worth it. I hope you enjoy. (Izzy hugs him tightly.)

Izzy: THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! (Noah shrugs.)

Noah: No problem. (He starts to lean in for a kiss, but gets nothing but air. He looks up and sees that Izzy is now climbing all over Mr. Fan, cackling with joy. Noah sighs, grinning.)

**Confession Cam**

**Noah: And… back to having the girl stolen by an inanimate object. But this time, I'm not jealous. I really don't care. Because you know what? As long as Izzy's happy, I'm happy. (He pauses, smiling. Then he starts to frown.) God, that was so disgustingly cliché. I'm practically turning into a Twilight book at this point! (He smiles.) I kind of like the feeling. **

**End of Confessionals **

**Lake Wawanakwa**

(The water is still as the moon hangs overhead. The entire surface is quiet. Suddenly, a stream of bubbles shoots up to the surface and Eva sticks her head out, coughing.)

Eva: CHRIS! YOU ASSHOLE! HOW DARE YOU FIRE ME FROM A F**KING CANNON! (She looks around.) Where the hell am I? (Suddenly, she notices the large silhouette of Wawanakwa Island in the distance.)

Eva: Perfect. (With that, she starts dog-paddling in the beach's direction.)

**Killer Redwoods Cabin (Males)**

Geoff: It's what you needed to do Geoff… what you needed to do… (He is muttering to himself as he stares at his reflection, sweating. His eyes are blood shot, and his pupils are darting around, examining his face.)

Geoff: You didn't have a choice! You had to protect Bridgette! But DJ… he was my bro… (He slaps himself.) Stop it, Geoff! You're losing it! Bridgette will understand once you tell her. It was all for her. Everything. But still… if I had just voted for Tyler instead… (He sighs, and hits his head against the mirror.) Who am I kidding? I didn't have the balls to do it. I'm pathetic. (He sighs. Suddenly, he hears a knock at the door. Geoff slumps over to open it. Bridgette is standing on the porch. She doesn't seem angry. In fact, she has no emotion whatsoever, slightly unnerving Geoff.)

Geoff: Bridgette, I—(Bridgette places a finger to his lips.)

Bridgette: Don't speak. Just come with me. (Geoff reluctantly follows her outside. They walk a little bit along the forest path, until trees surround them from all sides. Geoff glances around nervously.)

Geoff: Um… why are we here?

Bridgette: I wanted to do this in private, where nobody would see us. I think you deserve better than the kind of break-up that Trent got. (Geoff keels over slightly, looking he has just been kicked in the groin.)

Geoff: No… you can't be serious, Bridgette… (Bridgette sighs, staring at the ground.)

Bridgette: This is just as hard for me as it is for you. But quite frankly, I've given you enough chances. You said you were a changed man, Geoff. But now I can see that's not the case. Joining up with Katie blindsiding your best friend like that? That's one thing. But lying to my face about it? That's just too much. That's something only a _loser _would do. (Geoff tries to find words, but cannot speak. Bridgette continues.) But I'm not going to be mean and humiliating with this. I'm honest when I say that this relationship has truly been the best one I've ever been a part of. But starting around Total Drama Action, the cracks have slowly grown and grown. And after tonight, I think it's completely shattered.

Geoff: Bridgette, I can explain—

Bridgette: No! No explanations. This is what needs to happen, Geoff. It's what's best for the both of us! The relationship is really holding the both of us back.

Geoff: But I love you, Bridge—

Bridgette: And I'm honest when I say that I love you too. But for now, this sort of connection is over. No more negotiating. You have to respect my wishes, Geoff. (Geoff nods.)

Geoff: Yeah… okay, Bridge. But can I at least expla—

Bridgette: I already said no! Now, from now on, at least until the end of the game, I think we should keep the distance from one another. It'll really help my gameplay, and yours, as well. Good luck, Geoff. And one more thing; I think you should take this back. (She hands him something hard and hollow. Geoff stares down at it, and sees that it is the clay bowl he made for her back in TDI. Geoff looks back up, shocked, but sees that Bridgette has already disappeared. Geoff sighs, and hangs his head. Suddenly, Chris jumps out of the shadows and puts an arm around Geoff.)

Chris: Looks like our buddy Geoff here won't be getting laid tonight!

Geoff: What the hell?! Were you watching us this whole time, dude?

Chris: Hey, who's asking the sign-off questions here? You, or me? (Geoff scowls, and crosses his arms. Chris then begins the sign-off.)

**Now that Gidgette is no more, is it possible I have a chance with Geoff's girl? Ow! (Chris rubs his arm as Geoff punches it.) **

**Geez, some people can't take a joke. **

**What about Nizzy? Does that exist? Hopefully. That is such a sexy couple. **

**Will Geoff exact his revenge on Katie? **

**Will Trent exact his revenge on Noah? **

**Will I exact my revenge on my foot-massager for malfunctioning while I was using it? **

**Who will win in the next Redemption Cabin duel? DJ or Alejandro? **

**What are Eva's plans? **

**The Chef and Ezekiel alliance! Is it real? And will Chef get caught for the third straight season? **

**Speaking of straight, will we ever learn if Chef truly **_**is**_** straight? **

**What will happen at the merge? What sort of interesting challenges will await? **

**Hey, I just realized that "await" rhymes with "straight". Ha! They should seriously pay me for my rhymes. **

**Could there be any new twists? **

**And have you fallen asleep by now from reading all the way down to here? **

**See it all right here! On the next merge-rific episode of **

**Total Drama Returns! **

**Eliminated: Heather, Duncan, Eva, Leshawna, Justin, Sadie, Owen, Sierra, Harold, Beth**

**In Redemption Cabin: Alejandro, DJ **

**The Merged 12: Noah, Katie, Cody, Trent, Lindsay, Tyler, Izzy, Gwen, Courtney, Geoff, Bridgette, Ezekiel **

**Note: Sorry if you were a DJ fan. But it was his time to bite the dust. However, you never know. DJ's got as much of a shot as anybody in Redemption Cabin. So now that we've reached the halfway point, I'd love to know your thoughts on how this story has been so far. What did you like most about the premerge? What did you like the least? I'd love to know in a review. Thanks! **

**Votes: **

Katie—**DJ**

Bridgette—Tyler

Ezekiel—Geoff

Tyler—**DJ**

Geoff—**DJ**

DJ—Tyler

**DJ: 3**

Tyler: 2

Geoff: 1

**NEXT TIME: **An exciting merge feast quickly turns into a mad frenzy search when a new twist is announced that will shake up the game. Plus, when the Redemption Cabin duel is revealed to be a battle between the competitors' loved ones, how shocked will Alejandro be when he sees who shows up?


	40. Day 13 Part 1: Harzardous Head-Hunting

**Total Drama Returns**

The Cheesebub's Message: Yo, yo, yo! What's up, my folks? What do you know? Another update that took about ten years. But the chapter is finally here, and it's merger time! That means a whole new level of drama. Just a couple of notes. For one, I've decided to switch up the format for responding to reviews somewhat—if you leave a review with your account, I will send you a PM as a response. That way, I can give you a much more in-depth response to your review. This section will just be for the anonymous reviews. I sent all of you users PMs just before I released this chapter, so I hope you got yours. If you didn't, feel free to PM me. Second, this is more of just a funny note. I just recently saw the Way Way Back, and if you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it. It's a great movie. But the weird thing was, the main character's name is Duncan, he has a stepfather named Trent, and an older friend named Owen. Just a strange coincidence, I guess. Or perhaps the writers for the movie were watching some Total Drama at the time? Anyways, here are the anonymous review responses.

**the house master—**Trent and Katie won't be happy to hear you said that. The think their gameplay is fantastic! Hmm… actually, this part of the story would have remained about the same if the wasn't Redemption Cabin. Harold and Beth were set to go anyway, just in Beth's case for a different reason. I agree; go Zeke! Thanks for reviewing!

**20percentcooler—**I assume you did not realize Geoff and Bridgette had broken up when you first reviewed. But yes. They have. However, I give a better explanation for all that this chapter. I think. Anyways, thanks for the encouragement! I really think it's become harder as more people have started reviewing, as I feel I have more of an expectation to live up to. Unfortunately, none of my real life friends watch Total Drama, so I don't know how much they could help. Thanks for reviewing!

**Izzyowen316887—**Glad you love Nizzy. So do I. There won't be much Nizzy this chapter, but there will plenty coming soon. Thank you for the review!

**Guest—**I agree, Noah and Izzy rock. The main reason I got rid of Heather first was because she had simply been in too many episodes already, and I wanted to give the other characters some chance to shine. Thank you for the review!

**SHABAMZ—**Trust me, that was still a great review to read. Yeah, the merge really makes things more complicated. That's why this chapter was a bit tough to write. Katie, Trent, and Courtney are certainly at a difficult point in the game. They don't really have allies. You'll see that Katie has a VERY weird solution for this. Lindsay or Courtney next? Interesting prediction. Unfortunately, with so much going on, I admit that Lindsay kind of got pushed off to the side in this chapter. But she's got some great plotline coming! Trust me! Thanks for the review!

**MissMaxineEvans—**Really? No sense? I guess I'm glad that it's entertaining… But that kind of hurts my feelings… Just kidding! Thanks for the review!

**Cottonmilkshakes—**I've always considered bringing in a couple OC's. But I don't know… whenever I read a story that has a couple of the author's OC's, it seems like the OC's steal the show. I may consider it if I write a sequel. And now I'm getting ahead of myself. Thank you for reviewing!

**Cra-cat-izz—**That would just be far too morbid for this story. Noah would be absolutely crushed. But you can still root for Izzy to win! Thanks for the review!

**Guest—**Very interesting bootlist. But what's up with Noah's reason? Is he eliminated because of Heather? I'm not quite sure how that one would work :P Thanks for the review!

**RG—**Yep, Justin's kind of annoying. But believe it or not, I'm actually a fan of his. Shocker, I know. I don't even know why, either. But yeah, the Noah thing might not have made much sense. If there's one thing I could go back and fix, it's probably the Noah injury plotline. It just didn't quite work the way I wanted it to. Thank you for the review!

* * *

Chris Mclean: Last time, on Total Drama Returns… continuing from our shocking cliffhanger during the Campfire Ceremony, the Screaming Ivy alliance of 6 was now forced to send someone home after Trent and Courtney got away on a technicality! After completely verbally ass-raping Trent to the point where the guitarist almost drowned in a mix of Lake Wawanakwa and his own tears, Noah offered a solution: for everyone to just vote for Trent and Courtney again, until one of them was finally sent home. But Noah actually had different plans, the crafty, sexy genius that he is: by having his alliance members vote for Trent or Courtney, he could make their votes be negated by voting for someone else! That would give the bookworm complete control over who went home. In the end, Noah chose Beth, who didn't leave without sucking some face with our resident weirdo Ezekiel! Meanwhile, after Katie caught Ezekiel having snuck into her cabin, she realized—Okay, you know what, this is going to take f**king forever. If you don't remember what happened, go back and read the chapters again. Anyways, today is merge day, and that means all sorts of surprises in store! What sort of alliance scrambling will occur? How much chaos will ensue? And will somebody rub my feet? See it all right here on today's episode of Total Drama Returns! Seriously, though, I want a foot rub.

**(Theme Song Plays)**

**Day 13 Part 1—Chapter 40: Hazardous Hunting for the Head of a Host**

**Redemption Path**

(DJ shivers as he slowly walks down the long path towards Redemption Cabin, glancing nervously all around him at the thickets and trees. He is singing softly to himself, sweat rolling down the sides of his face.)

DJ (singing): I'm a big kid, look what I can do… I, can, wear, big kid pants too! And I can pull them off and on… Mommy, wow! I'm a big kid now. (He stops, and sighs peacefully.)

**Confession Cam**

**DJ: Whenever I'm stressed out, singing the Huggies pull-up theme song always calms me down. I bet everyone is so jealous of my Huggies. (He pauses.) What? Nobody even wears diapers anymore at my age? That's messed up, man. What kind of world do we live in? **

**End of Confessionals **

DJ: It's all good, DJ… it's all good! You can do this… There's nothing to be afraid of! Yep… nothing… to be… afr—(He suddenly screams, and jumps backward.) WHAT THE FLAPJACK IS THAT?! WHATEVER HELLISH MONSTER YOU ARE, I BEG OF YOU! SPARE MY SOUL! (DJ pauses, and stares down at the stick sitting in the path in front of him. He sighs, and smacks his head.)

DJ: This is ridiculous, DJ! You can't be afraid of stupid little twigs! What would Alejandro think of you? He would surely laugh in that warm, husky Latino voice of his. But you can't be afraid of Alejandro, despite his charm! You need to act like Momma would! (He pauses.) Actually, smashing Alejandro over the head with a purse and then giving him repetitive spankings probably isn't the best idea. (He sighs.)

DJ: But you can't be a scaredy cat, either. Alejandro was entirely the reason for your elimination last time… that can't happen! I need to be strong! Make momma proud! (He grins, and starts walking with a livelier spring in his step.)

DJ: That's right! This is all for momma! And I can't let her down! I WON'T let her down! I can do this! There's nothing I can't do! I FEEL GREAT! (As he says this, he steps right down onto a booby trap. With a crack, a rope latches around his ankle, and DJ screams as he is whipped upward so that he is now hanging upside down. The brickhouse hangs there in silence, before sighing.)

DJ: Knowing this fic, I probably should've seen that one coming. (He swings around, trying to break free.) Help! Anyone! PLEASE!

_**Meanwhile…**_

**Killer Redwoods Cabin (Females)**

(Katie is sitting outside on the balcony, humming to herself with glee. She watches as Geoff runs by, sobbing uncontrollably, and chuckles.)

Katie: Oh, what a glorious sight to behold. (She turns to see Bridgette walking up the steps next to her, bags under her eyes.)

Katie: Nicely done. Truly, that performance exceeded my expectations. It was ruthless, cold-hearted… that really was an emotionally-charged masterpiece. Shakespeare would be proud. (She waits for a reaction for Bridgette, but the blonde just walks past and enters the cabin, ignoring her. Katie scowls, and crosses her arms. Suddenly, the door to the cabin opens up again, and Bridgette walks out, carrying her sleeping bag. Katie jumps up.)

Katie: What the?! Where do you think you're going?!

Bridgette: Anywhere but this cabin.

Katie: But… you can't do that! That's against the rules! (Suddenly, Chris sticks his head out of a nearby trashcan.)

Chris: Actually, it isn't. Competitors are allowed at any point in the competition to change sleeping arrangements. It spices things up a little, don't you think? Ow! (He yelps in pain as Katie closes the trashcan lid back down on him. The tan-skinned girl then points at Bridgette.)

Katie: Even if it isn't against the rules, it'd be a really stupid decision. We'll be total enemies from here on out if you go sleep over there. You'll have officially committed to the other team. (Bridgette scowls, and sets her surfboard down.)

Bridgette: I'm done playing your game, Katie. You force my boyfriend to vote off his best friend, and then blackmail me to break up with him? When did you lose all your dignity? Or did you even have any to begin with? (Katie places her hands on her hips.)

Katie: You don't understand, Bridgette. This is a game where—

Bridgette: But this isn't a game anymore to you! You're taking this beyond the level of just a game. The relationship I had with Geoff was more than that. It was real. And ending it was the most terrible thing I've ever been forced to do. And now you taunt me about it? How dare you! I can't even stand to be around you anymore. Have a nice night, Katie. (She stands up, and begins to walk away. Katie stutters in shock, and then stomps her foot down.)

Katie: Bridgette, if you take one more step, I'm voting off Geoff! (Bridgette stops, and stands there. Katie nods.) Yeah, that's right. You heard me. I don't care that I promised you I wouldn't if you broke up with him. I'll do it anyway! So what's your choice? (Bridgette slowly turns around, staring at Katie. Then a small smile creeps up in her lips.)

Bridgette: Game on. (With that, she strides away, carrying her luggage. Katie just stands there, shell-shocked. Suddenly, an arm wraps around her shoulders, making her jump. The arm belongs to Ezekiel, who is grinning widely. Clutched in his hand is a raw, half-eaten potato.)

Ezekiel: Want some ice for that burn, eh? (He takes a bite out of the potato, and chortles. Katie looks forward at the camera.)

Katie: You might not want to film this.

**Confession Cam**

**Ezekiel: Mmmph. (The potato is now jammed so far into his face that his skin is beginning to pucker inwards on itself. Slowly, painfully, he rips it free from his skin. It leaves a dark, red indent where his nose used to be. He chuckles.) Feisty, eh. **

**Katie: Well, f**k this. Bridgette's now going to turn everyone on that team against me. I need to do something about this, quick. **

**Bridgette: Standing up to Katie felt so good… You can tell she's starting to squirm. But there's only one problem. Now I have to find a way to get rid of her! Well, getting the Screaming Ivy girls on my side may be the best place to start. (She swallows nervously.) I've always been better at talking to guys… **

**Geoff: *sniff sniff* This song goes out to Bridgette, my one and only love. (He whips out a ukulele, and starts singing at the top of his lungs, sobbing as he does so.) BRIDGETTE! I LOVE YOU SOOOOOOO! WITH YOUR, UM… REALLY NICE HAIR! AND, UH… SOFT LIPS! AND BEAUTIFUL EYES! AND PERKY TI—(He catches himself.) That needs to be reworked. (He goes back to sobbing.) **

**End of Confessionals **

**Screaming Ivy Cabin (Females)**

(Bridgette walks up the steps to the cabin. She takes a deep breath, and knocks. There is silence for a few moments. Suddenly, Gwen slams open the door, a canister of pepper spray aimed right at Bridgette's face.)

Gwen: DON'T MAKE US USE THE PEPPER SPRAY AGAIN, CODY! PUT SOME PANTS ON! (Bridgette jumps back in shock.)

Bridgette: Gwen, calm down! It's just me! (Gwen stares at her with bloodshot eyes. Slowly, she lowers the canister.)

Gwen: Oh. Sorry. (She sighs.) It's been a long, long night.

Bridgette: It's alright. It was a long night for me, too. (Gwen sees that her eyes are red from crying. The Goth girl sighs.)

Gwen: Oh boy. This reeks of a Geoff story. (Bridgette looks down at the ground.)

Bridgette: Actually, our story is over. We broke up. Or, more accurately, I broke up with him. (Gwen gasps in surprise.)

Gwen: Seriously? Here, let's go for a walk. (Bridgette, nods, and the two begin walking along the grass in the area between the two cabins. Gwen turns to Bridgette in concern.) So why'd you do it?

Bridgette: I had to. I was forced to. It was my only option. (Gwen sighs.)

Gwen: Did he try to go sledding off the roof of the Mess Hall again on a surfboard made entirely of cereal boxes? (Bridgette chuckles.)

Bridgette: No. But I probably would've had to break up with him anyway if he had done that again. The humiliation of carrying him like a sobbing baby to the Infirmary might've been too much to take for a second time. (The two laugh together, before Bridgette gets serious again.)

Bridgette: No, it wasn't my choice. Katie forced me to do it. (Gwen nods.)

Gwen: Somehow I got that feeling. (She shakes her head.) So has Katie officially become Trent #2?

Bridgette: I'm afraid so. (Gwen moans in disbelief.)

Gwen: Why is this happening? Katie and Trent used to be two of the nicest people there were. And now they're the Bitch Wonder and the Uber-Douche. (Bridgette shrugs.)

Bridgette: Maybe the game just got to their heads. It happened to Geoff once, back when we were hosts on the TDA Aftermath. The fame, the fans, the reputation mongering… it can make you go crazy. You begin to lose sense of who you are as a person. (Gwen sighs.)

Gwen: We might be the only two normal people left in the game at this point.

Bridgette: Then we might as well stick together, huh?

Gwen: Sounds like a plan. (Bridgette swallows deeply.)

Bridgette: I'm worried, though. Katie can manipulate people. She's like a mafia boss. She takes people out before they even can do anything to fight back. And now that she's got a personal vendetta against me and Geoff, I have a bad feeling time may be running out for the both of us.

Gwen: Oh, come on. Katie's overrated. And think about it. I think we can sway the numbers in our favor come Merge time. (She pauses.) But to get the upper hand, we're going to have to both lie and manipulate. Do you think you can do that? (Bridgette pauses.)

Bridgette: I don't know… What if we become just as bad? (They have now arrived back at the cabin. Gwen places a hand on Bridgette's shoulder.)

Gwen: Trust me. We've got a _l-oooo-oooo-nnnn-gggg _way to go before we reach the douchiness level of Trent.

Bridgette: Speaking of Trent, what about him? We're completely forgetting the fact that he's a dangerous strategist, too. (Gwen bursts out laughing at this, tears flying from her eyes. She keels over and falls to the ground, rolling around in the grass and clutching her sides. Finally, she gets up, and wipes a tear away from her eye.)

Gwen: That's a good one. Come on, let's go inside. (She takes Bridgette's duffel bag, and begins to walk into the cabin. However, before she enters, Bridgette stops her.)

Bridgette: Gwen?

Gwen: Yes? (Instead of saying anything, Bridgette just embraces her friend.)

Bridgette: Thanks for all of this. It really means a lot.

Gwen: It's nothing. Trust me. I'm ready to have a sane person to play the game with.

Bridgette: And Gwen?

Gwen: Mmm hmm? (Bridgette smirks, and grabs her surfboard.)

Bridgette: Now that I broke up with Geoff, do you think they're going to give me the bitch edit like they gave you? (Gwen chuckles.)

Gwen: Don't get sassy with me, blondie. (She opens the door the cabin, and the two enter.)

**Confession Cam**

**Gwen: Bridgette's someone I know I can trust. It's kind of funny, because despite the fact that we've been friends for a while, we've never been in an actual alliance before. Let's hope it works out. **

**Bridgette: Well, here goes. Time to see just how dysfunctional this team really is. **

**End of Confessionals**

Bridgette: Hey, guys. (She and Gwen are now standing in the doorway to the cabin, holding Bridgette's belongings. Courtney, who is sitting on the bottom bunk of one of the beds, looks up, sees Bridgette, and scowls.)

Courtney: What is _she _doing h—(She is cut off as Izzy shoves her off to the side and runs up to Gwen and Bridgette excitedly.)

Izzy: Alright! Bridgette's here! This is great! We're having a sleepover! This calls for celebration! But how should we celebrate…? I know! Pickles! Have a pickle, Bridgette! (She takes out a jar of pickles, and hands one to Bridgette. Gwen comes up behind Bridgette and whispers in her ear.)

Gwen: Whatever you do, DO NOT eat that. (Courtney, who is now getting up off the floor, groans with pain, before snapping her fingers impatiently.)

Courtney: You didn't answer my question, Gothy! Why is the Mermaid in our cabin? Is the sea not big enough for her?

Bridgette: Hardy har har. We're merging tomorrow anyway, Courtney, so I thought I might as well get used to sleeping in here. (Gwen cringes.)

Gwen: Yeah… About that. There's just one problem. For us, it's not really "sleep". I'd refer to it more as "moments of weary peacefulness interspersed between long periods of extreme terror filled with explosions".

Courtney (rolling her eyes): You can thank Izzy for that one. (Izzy waves and beams.)

Izzy: What's a good night's sleep without some pyrotechnics?

Bridgette: Well, whatever. I just thought I'd stay in here. Things are getting a little too dramatic over in my cabin.

Courtney: It's called Total **DRAMA **for a reason, Bridgette.

Bridgette: Can I stay in here or not, Courtney? It's a pretty simple question. (Courtney sighs.)

Courtney: Whatever. But you better not be like Lindsay and bring your little man toy into the cabin. I tell you, there's nothing more scarring at night than looking up and seeing the bunk above you bouncing up and down like a frickin' rodeo bull. (Lindsay, who is sitting quietly in the bunk above her, blushes fiercely. Courtney points a finger at Bridgette.)

Courtney: If you and Geoff want to jam your tongues down each other's throats, you do it outside. Or better yet, you do it with somebody who isn't a complete loser like Geoff is.

Gwen: Says the girl that's been playing tonsil hockey with Trent.

Courtney: Shut up! Trent is a very talented kisser.

Gwen: That makes one thing he's finally decent at.

Courtney (crossing her arms): Hmmph. But do you understand the rules, Bridgette?

Bridgette: Trust me, that won't be an issue. I had to break up with Geoff.

Lindsay: WHAT?! NOOOO! You guys were, like, my favorite couple!

Izzy: Same. Your make-out sessions were so vivid and passionate, they practically were too inappropriate for PornHub. Luckily the site still accepted the videos.

Bridgette: What?!

Izzy: Let's find you a bunk, shall we?

Courtney: Well, good for you. Remember that time that you had to carry his ass to the infirmary after he went sledding off the roof of the Mess Hall on a sled made entirely out of cereal boxes?

Bridgette: Does everyone have to keep bringing that up? He just was feeling a little adventurous! (Izzy, meanwhile, beckons Bridgette over to a bottom bunk over in the corner in the room.)

Izzy: Why don't you sleep in this one? Looks pretty good, doesn't it? (She grins widely at Bridgette. Gwen quickly comes up behind Bridgette, and whispers in her ear.)

Gwen: I'm telling you. Whatever you do, do NOT sleep in that bunk. (Bridgette swallows nervously, and chuckles.)

Bridgette: I think I'll just sleep on the floor.

Izzy: Once a hobo, always a hobo, huh?

Bridgette: I've never been homeless!

Izzy: Well, then are you training to become a hobo?

Bridgette: No! I just think I'll be fine sleeping on the floor!

Izzy: Suit yourself. Adios, mis amigos! (With that, she swings herself up onto one of the top bunks, and ducks underneath the covers. Courtney narrows her eyes at Bridgette, who is now setting up her sleeping bag on the floor.)

Courtney: I still don't trust you, you know.

Bridgette: That's great, Courtney.

Courtney: I don't think you'd just choose to come over here. It doesn't make sense to me. I think you're hiding something. And I'm going to find out what it is.

Gwen: Leave her alone, will you?

Courtney: Stay out of this, Walking Dead!

Gwen: No! She only came over here so she wouldn't be bullied anymore. And what do you start doing? You start bullying her!

Courtney: It's not bullying. I just think her act is a little suspicious!

Bridgette: Please, Courtney. I've had a long night. Let's not add any extra stress on any of us.

Courtney: Stress is what keeps me going, blondie.

Gwen: Well, stop imposing it on the rest of us!

Courtney: I'll stop once _you _stop imposing your terrible fashion sense on the rest of us!

Gwen: This is getting ridiculous, Courtney. Take a f**king break for once.

Bridgette: Guys, can we just calm down?

Courtney: No! You started this, _Gwen_, when you sided with Noah! You were supposed to throw the challenge!

Gwen: I told you, that's not how I do things!

Courtney: Well… you're a boyfriend stealer!

Bridgette: GUYS! Can we just SHUT UP?! (The three of them all stand there, steaming with anger. Suddenly, the door slams open, revealing Cody, grinning cockily in only his underwear.)

Cody: Hello, ladies. Am I in time for the party? (He screams as his a cloud of pepper spray squirts into his eyes.)

**Confession Cam**

**Cody (his eyes red and watery): Guess I was a little early. **

**Courtney: Well, looks like Gwen and Bridgette are the first official cross-team alliance to form. You know it's actually really a touching story. Two friends, bonding over a break-up, ready to take on the rest of the game together. (She smirks.) I can't wait to destroy it. **

**Izzy: I don't know why I'm confessing. I'm just here to say that I really like pickles. (She takes out a pickle jar, pulls a pickle out of it, and starts munching on it.) **

**Lindsay: I'm SOOOO excited that Bridgette is sleeping over now! I hear she's, like, really good in water. And I LOVE water! Especially going out in a boat, packing a picnic lunch, feeling the wind rushing past your face… and guess what? A ton of guys have offered to take me on their boat sometime! Yeah, I always have some guy saying he'd love to "motorboat" me. Aren't they so nice? **

**Geoff (still sobbing while singing and playing the ukulele): BRIDGETTTE! YOU WERE MY BABE! NOW, YOU'RE, UH… NOT MY BABE! WAAAAHH! (He sobs, and takes out a carton of ice cream. Geoff rips off the cap, before digging his hands in, and shoveling ice cream into his mouth.) TIME TO DROWN MY PAIN IN FOOD! (Suddenly, two hands reach in through the Confessional Door and grab him by the shoulders, before yanking him out.)**

**End of Confessionals**

(Geoff struggles as he is wrestled out of the Confessional, before being shoved to the ground. He looks up, and sees Ezekiel standing before him, with Tyler right behind, his hands on his hips.)

Geoff: What are you doin—(He is cut off as Ezekiel places a hand over Geoff's mouth.)

Ezekiel: We're staging an intervention, eh.

Geoff: An inter—

Tyler: HE SAID INTERVENTION!

Geoff: Geezus! Okay! But what the hell is an intervention in the first place?

Tyler: The hell if I know. (He scratches his head.) What does it mean, Zeke?

Ezekiel: It means we're stepping in to stop this madness before it gets oot of control. We've seen you falling apart before our very eyes, Geoff. You're crumbling, eh. Look at you. (He beckons to Geoff, who is sitting slumped against the outhouse.) A shadow of the man you once were. You're not the Geoff that I had a man-crush on back in the day. Look! (He points to Geoff's hat, which is drooping over lazily.) Your hat has lost all its erectness. It's drooping like a flaccid penis, eh. (He points to Geoff's shirt.) Your pink shirt. It's not the same vibrant pink that it was before, eh. Do you want to be a faded pink penis?

Geoff: I really don't think that's what I—

Tyler: Answer the question, dude!

Geoff: *sniff*… It's just t-that… B-Bridgette… sh-she… (Tyler slaps him across the face.)

Tyler: Who cares what she did, dude? You need to get your head back in the game!

Ezekiel: Yeah, eh. You gotta get your… what was that sayin', eh?

Tyler: HEAD IN THE GAME!

Ezekiel: Yeah! That!

Geoff: Dudes, I'm fine. Seriously. (He reaches into his ice cream carton. Ezekiel quickly yanks it away, and holds it out of the party boy's reach.) Hey, man! What gives?

Ezekiel: No more ice cream, eh. You know it's gonna go right to your hips. (Geoff sighs.)

Geoff: *sigh*… It's true. My hips are my moneymakers.

Tyler: Listen, dude. We need to find a way to get your MOJO back! What do we have to do? (Geoff pauses, thinking. Then his face becomes resolute.)

Geoff: To the roof of the Mess Hall.

Tyler: What?

Geoff: TO THE ROOF OF THE MESS HALL! (With that, he sprints off into the distance. Ezekiel and Tyler turn to each other, shrug, and proceed to follow after him. Katie, meanwhile, is watching this all from the porch of the cabin. Slowly, a smile creeps over her lips.)

**Confession Cam**

**Katie: Watching that stupid frat-boy bromance scene actually gave me an idea, believe it or not. So what if Bridgette is over there working the girls? Girls are catty and annoying, anyways. Guys, however? They band together. They're loyal to one another. I think Tyler calls it something retarded like the "bro code". And then it hit me. Who needs girls, when I've already got a giant pre-installed alliance with all the guys? Plus, guys are extremely easy to manipulate. There are certain tricks you can use to control their hormones. I just have to wiggle my way into that group, and then it's all set. Gwen and Bridgette will be sent packing. So, to begin with, I decided there were three guys I needed to get on my side. And I was ready to do anything to get their trust. **

**End of Confessionals **

**Screaming Ivy Cabin (Males)**

(Katie quickly adjusts her hair and clothes before confidently knocking on the door. Noah slowly opens it, and stares at her with a blank expression. Katie smiles brightly at Noah, batting her eyelashes seductively. Noah stares blankly at her for a few more seconds, before shutting the door in her face. Katie scowls, and pounds on the door once more. Noah opens it. Katie once again puts on her fake smile, and tries to give him a hug. Noah steps back, making Katie stumble forward. She quickly regains her composure, and forces on another beaming grin.)

Katie: Noah! Just the person I wanted to see. You know, it's really cold out here. Can I come in?

Noah: No. (He shuts the door in her face again. Katie curses, and knocks much more violently this time. Once the door opens, Katie quickly grabs Noah by the collar of his shirt, and starts whispering angrily in his ear.)

Katie: _If you close this door one more time, Noah, I will personally see to it that you are wiped out of this game in a humiliating and humbling fashion. _

Noah: I think I'll take my chances. (He tries to close the door once more, but suddenly, a foot catches it from the inside. Trent, wearing checkered pajamas, steps forward and pushes Noah out of the way. He grins sleazily at Katie.)

Trent: Sorry about that. Please, come in. (Katie giggles and walks past him.)

Katie: Finally. A _**true**__ gentleman_. (Trent giggles.)

Trent: Well, I couldn't stand to see a shivering female out on the steps of our porch. I had to take action. (He beckons around inside the room.) Welcome to our cozy bungalow. (He points to Noah.) If you need to hang up your coat, we can finally put Noah's egghead to some use. (Katie laughs loudly at this, even though she doesn't find it remotely funny. Noah, meanwhile, is getting up off the floor and dusting himself off.)

Noah: She doesn't even have a coat on, Trent. Therefore, your attempt at humor is invalid and pathetic.

Trent: You're not the only one who can have the clever one-liners, Noah! I spent a long time practicing that one! (He turns to Katie, and shakes his head in disbelief.) I'm sorry. Where are my manners? Please, have a seat.

Katie: Don't mind if I do. (She sits down in one of the chairs, right across from Noah, who is now leaning against the wall of the cabin and staring at her with one eyebrow raised. Katie smiles brightly at him, and turns to Trent.)

Katie: Say, where's Cody?

Trent: Judging by his daily routine of perverted activities, he should be returning after being repetitively pepper-sprayed in 3…2…1… (Suddenly, the door opens, and Cody walks in, his eyes dark red and bleary-eyed. Katie jumps up, and runs over to him.)

Katie: Oh my gosh, Cody, what happened? Are you okay, honey? (She rubs his back with concern. Cody, looking surprised, chuckles and shrugs.)

Cody: Don't worry, babe. The Code-Meister doesn't feel any pain. (He looks around, slightly puzzled.) What's been going on here?

Katie: Oh, nothing much. Trent, Noah, and I were just having a wonderful conversation.

Noah: No we weren't.

Katie: But we were! Noah is a very interesting guy to talk to, as well. So mysterious! Like a book just waiting to be read. (She gazes at him with heavily-lidded eyes.) _I love that in a man. _

Trent: I'm mysterious, too, Katie. (He winks at her.)

Cody: Yeah, um, me too! (Katie giggles and nods.)

Katie: Of course, dearies. That's why I love you guys too. (Cody and Trent grin cockily and fist-pump. Noah stares at them in disbelief.)

**Confession Cam **

**Noah: Seriously, it's like the effect was instantaneous. The moment Katie walked into the cabin, it's like Trent and Cody regressed to their cavemen ancestors, and their entire goal for the rest of the evening was to reproduce. It was quite worrying, to say the least. **

**End of Confessionals **

(Katie, Cody, and Trent continue to make small talk for the next hour, while Noah sits facing away from them, reading.)

Katie: You know, I'm really liking the chemistry we have going here. (Noah looks up from his book.)

Noah: Oh no.

Katie: And I'll have you know that currently, Bridgette is in the girls' cabin, conspiring to take you guys out.

Noah: I know where this is going. Please don't continue.

Katie: I think if we work together, this could be a very possible final 4.

Noah: And… she said it. (He sighs.) I can't believe she seriously just suggested that.

Cody: Sure!

Trent: I'm in. (Noah stares at them in horror.)

Katie: What's wrong, Noah? You don't think that sounds like a good idea? Trent and Cody think it sounds like a good idea.

Noah: You seriously think I'm going to align with my worst enemy?

Trent: Do we really have to be enemies, Noah? If we combined forces, we'd be unstoppable!

Noah: Except for the fact that you're a terrible player. And you really think I'd align with _you_? (He beckons to Katie, who frowns.)

Katie: What's wrong with me? I thought we had something, Noah.

Noah: We _do_ have something. (Katie smiles at this.) It is called nothing. (Katie scowls at this.) Nothing is the absence of something, so it is therefore something by default.

Trent: One request though, about this alliance. Can Courtney be our fifth? (Katie pinches his cheek lovingly.)

Katie: Oh, Trent… of course she can! (Trent jumps up and down in excitement.)

Trent: Hooray! To the final 5 we go!

Cody: Hell yeah!

Noah: Did you not hear me? I'm not doing it! (Katie is now glaring at Noah, obviously frustrated.)

Katie: Fine. But you want the truth? Bridgette just broke up with Geoff.

Cody: NO WAY! (He gasps.) That's horrible. (He pauses.) So is she available?

Katie: That's not important. What's important is that she is not who you think she is anymore. She used to be a nice girl, I'll admit. But things have changed. And quite frankly, she may have experienced the biggest transition from "nice girl" to "bitch" you'll ever witness. And you don't want to be in a guaranteed alliance with us to protect you from that, Noah?

Noah: That's not true.

Katie (beaming): So you _do_ want to align with us?

Noah: No. I'm pretty sure _you _get the biggest award for transition from "nice girl" to "bitch". (Katie's eyelid starts to twitch.) It's not happening, Katie.

Katie: Well, I'll at least let you sleep on it. (She looks around.) So where should I sleep?

Noah: In your own cabin.

Katie (sticking out her lower lip): I think it's a bit too far of a walk.

Noah: It's like 30 yards. You're not Owen, Katie. I think you'll manage.

Katie: Can't I just stay here?

Cody: Yeah, can't she just stay here?

Trent: If Katie wants to stay here, I think she should get to stay here.

Noah: Thank you for the string of redundant dialogue. But aren't coed sleepovers not allowed on this show? (Suddenly, Chris sticks his head through the window.)

Chris: No way! The more spicy coed action the better ratings we get! And the better ratings we get the more money I can use to buy stri—(He is cut off as Noah closes the window on his face.)

Noah: I'm almost positive I closed that window. (He shrugs.) You know what? I don't care what she does anymore. I just want to sleep. If you want to be brainwashed by boobs, be my guest. But you guys are making a big mistake. (With that, he climbs into his own bed.)

Katie: He's such a party pooper, don't you think?

Cody: Yeah. But we don't need to let Noah ruin our fun! We can party all night!

Katie: But I think he's right about sleep. I think we should hit the hay. Be strong for the merge tomorrow.

Cody: Nice plan, babe! (Katie looks around, and sees that one of the beds is split in two, one is melting and bubbling like a chemical, and another one is now but a pile of ash.)

Katie: Are all the beds broken or something?

Trent: Yeah… let's just say we had an encounter with Izzy we shall not soon forget. (He beckons to his guitar case.) I usually sleep in there.

Katie: That's a guitar case, Trent.

Trent: It's more comfortable than you think! I feel so safe when I'm in there. I like things dark, you see. (He opens it up, and peers inside.) I think it's a one person bed, but we might be able to squeeze two.

Katie: So you and Cody will go in there together to give me the bed? Aw, that's so sweet! (Cody and Trent both start to stutter.)

Trent: No wait, that's not what I—

Katie: Thanks so much! Here, I'll help tuck you two in. (With that, she grabs Trent, and stuffs him into the guitar case, despite his protests. Then she takes Cody, and pushes the nerd boy inside. There is a loud crunch, and both Cody and Trent groan in pain. With a giggle, Katie slams the guitar case shut, and locks it. She then looks over at Noah, who has fallen fast asleep, and a small smirk creeps across her lips.)

**Confession Cam**

**Trent: This alliance actually makes perfect sense to me. I need to lull Noah into a false sense of security. Make him think I'm on his side. Then BOOM! The bookworm won't know what hit him. Katie better watch out, too. She may think she's got me under her command, but I plan to overthrow her soon enough. Yeah, that's right. I'm not as stupid as I look. (He pauses.) Not like I look stupid, or anything! I'm actually a very handsome young man. I really think it's the eyes with me. My eyes are a really nice shade of green. **

**Katie: So it looks like Trent and Cody are on board with my plan. I've got Ezekiel and Tyler in the bag, too. Throw in Izzy and Lindsay, the twin towers of stupidity… and we've got the numbers. As long as Noah is a part of it. Noah is the smartest guy in the game. I need him on my side. And I will go to **_**any **_**lengths to make that happen. He **_**will **_**join the dark side. One way or another. And I will have accomplished this by the end of the night. I promise you that. **

**End of Confessionals **

**Later that night…**

(Noah is fast asleep in bed, murmuring in his sleep. Suddenly, a figure climbs on top of him in the dark, and starts whispering softly in his ear.)

Katie: Mmm… you're so cute when you're sleeping… (Noah's eyes slowly open. He immediately knows that it is Katie, and rolls his eyes.)

Noah: Trent, I'm sorry to tell you this, but I'm just not interested in you that way. (Katie chuckles.)

Katie: No, silly, it's me… I think you know who I am…

Noah: Megan Fox? Albert Einstein? Slenderman? Seriously, I'm clueless.

Katie: It's me… Katie…

Noah: Oh. (He pauses.) Darn shame. You might've had a chance if you were Albert Einstein.

Katie: Oh, Noah… stop playing hard to get… (She starts to kiss his neck.)

Noah: I think you've been reading too much Twilight, sister.

Katie: You know you want it...

Noah: Want what? For you to get off of me? Yes. Yes I would.

Katie: Oh, stop pretending like you don't want it… just let it happen!

Noah: Um… how about no? (With that, he shoves her off, making her roll off the bed and land on the floor with a crunch. Katie roars in frustration, and gets up. She turns on the lights, fuming at Noah.)

Katie: What are you, some kind of asexual freak?!

Noah: Trust me, honey, if I could reproduce with myself, I would. But no. I just really don't find you appealing.

Katie: You f**king idiot! Cody would perform _Seppuku_ just to have a chance with me! What's wrong with you?

Noah: I know what you're doing. You think you can seduce me into an alliance? You obviously know nothing about Noah. Now get out. (Katie puts her hands on her hips.)

Katie: And why would I do that?

Noah: Because technically, I can report you for sexual assault. You did all of this without my consent. (Katie clenches her angrily. Then she points at Noah.)

Katie: You better start realizing your alliance options are pretty slim, buster. Gwen and Bridgette have alliance plans, and you're not anywhere in them. So when you finally stop sucking your own dick and see that nobody actually trusts you, you can come to me. And I _might _accept you back.

Noah: Whatever you say, Sadie.

Katie: I'm KATIE! (Noah smirks.)

Noah: Nah, I'm pretty sure you're Sadie. I think I'll call you Sadie from now on. (Katie snarls in rage, and stomps out of the cabin. Once she's outside on the grass, she sighs to herself.)

Katie: You'll convince him tomorrow, Sadie. Er, I mean Katie. You just need a different approach. Now you really do need some sleep. (She nods to herself, and starts walking in the direction of the Killer Redwoods Cabin. Suddenly, she feels a wave of heat hit her face. Katie looks up, and screams when she sees a giant, raging fire where the cabin used to be. Smoke billows into the sky, blotting out the moon.)

Katie: What the-?!(She looks over, and sees Chris, warming his hands on the fire.) CHRIS! (Chris turns to her smiles.)

Chris: Katie! Come on over here! The fire feels great! (Katie runs over in rage.)

Katie: Did you do this?!

Chris: I did. A very fine fire, don't you—(He is cut off as Katie throttles him.)

Katie: That was our cabin! (Chris pulls away from her, dusting himself off.

Chris: Yeah… not anymore. We were going to burn it down tomorrow morning, after everybody moved into the Screaming Ivy cabin as part of the merge. But you, Bridgette, Geoff, Ezekiel, and Tyler were nowhere to be found, so we decided we might as well burn it down tonight.

Katie: All my luggage was in there! (She falls to the ground, tears in her eyes.) All my designer clothes… Not to mention my cell phone, wallet, and make up! (She pauses, and then really starts to sob.) No! Not that! Anything but that!

Chris: What? What else?

Katie: I think my grandmother's special necklace was in my suitcase! (She pauses.) Yes, I'm sure it was! (She cries even harder.) It was her most prized possession! She gave it to me right before she died. And now it's gone! (She turns to Chris.) It's like you've burned the traces of my last memory of my own grandmother! Now I don't have anything to remember her by! (Chris stares at her, and adjusts his collar nervously.)

Chris: Well… this is awkward. (He takes a stick, and stabs a marshmallow into it.) Let's roast some marshmallows. (Katie yanks the stick away from Chris, and starts running after the host with it pointed at his head, roaring like a primal beast. Chris frantically whips out a remote control.)

Chris: That's my cue. (With that, he quickly presses a button on the remote, and disappears into a cloud of smoke. Katie stops, coughing, and then drops to the ground. Crying softly to herself, she rolls up into a ball and falls asleep.)

**Confession Cam**

**Katie: Well, not my best start to the merge. But things really can't get any worse, can they? (She pauses, and scowls.) Cue things getting worse. **

**Noah: You know, I kind of feel bad for Katie. But it really is common sense that you never try to seduce someone who has ten times your intelligence. It's not going to turn out too well. **

**Chris: I'm feeling really strange all of a sudden! Am I sick, maybe? I don't know. It's like a stone was dropped into my stomach, and it's just sitting there, weighing me down. And I keep on experiencing these really icy, intense pangs that run across my body, too. But what could it be? (He pauses.) Could it be… guilt? Could Chris Mclean really be feeling guilt right now? Could he finally be experiencing a human emotion? (He suddenly lets out a huge belch, and smiles with relief.) Never mind. It was just indigestion. (He wipes his brow.) Whew. That was a close one. **

**End of Confessionals **

**Wawanakwa Forest**

Alejandro: Mmm… come here, _conejo pequeno_. (He is creeping along behind a small bunny rabbit as it hops through the forest. The Hispanic teen has a spear aimed at the creature, his mouth watering in anticipation. The handsome Spaniard is wearing camouflage all over his body, and has his hair tied backwards in a ponytail. The bunny starts to enter a clearing, and the moonlight glints off its fur. Alejandro sneaks up behind it, and licks his lips.)

Alejandro: You are quite the specimen, my dear little rabbit. You will be quite delicious when I ultimately capture you. (The bunny continues to hop through the night, as Alejandro tiptoes along behind it, grinning.)

Alejandro: There is nothing I love more than hunting such a fierce and passionate animal! It is what I live for. (Suddenly, the rabbit turns around to him, scowling.)

Rabbit: Listen, dude, are you gonna kill me or not? You've been following me for the past hour, reciting a monologue about how delicious and great I am. It's pissing me off. And frankly, you look a major pedophile right now. (Alejandro jumps back in surprise.)

Alejandro: _Dios mio! _Another talking animal!

Rabbit: It's a cartoon, f**ktard. Animals can talk if they feel like it. So are you going to kill me or not?

Alejandro: I _will _kill you, you know. Alejandro does not go back on his word.

Rabbit: Stop referring to yourself in the third person. If you're gonna kill me, do it! I have a busy schedule! (Alejandro pauses, sweating. A smirk creeps across the rabbit's face.) Oh my gosh. You can't. You can't do it. What a loser! (Alejandro sighs, and lowers the spear.)

Alejandro: It is true. I cannot bring myself to kill you. I am sorry. (He falls to the ground, weeping.) I'm sure that my brother _Jose _would be able to take your life in a heartbeat. But I am not like that. I do not have the courage. It is probably why my dear sweet _Margarita _chose him over me back in 3rd grade. Oh, _Margarita_… WHY DID I LET YOU GO?! (He throws his hands up to the sky, sobbing.)

Rabbit: Damn. Are you sure you're not a woman? I've never seen anyone so metrosexual.

Alejandro: You are free to go, little bunny. I would simply be wasting your time. (With that, he walks away, wiping tears from his eyes. The rabbit watches him go.)

Rabbit: Yep. Definitely a female in disguise.

**Confession Cam**

**Alejandro: One of the requirements in Redemption Cabin is that you hunt for your own food. (He sighs.) But I cannot do it! Why can't burritos just grow on trees? **

**End of Confessionals**

Alejandro: Well, I might as well check the trap. Perhaps I will finally have some fortune. (He walks along the path for a few miles, before he arrives at the rope trap. He gasps in shock when he sees DJ, hanging upside down, fast asleep.)

Alejandro: DJ! I will save you! (Frantically, he whips out a knife, and cuts DJ down. The brickhouse slams into the ground with a thud, and his eyes burst open. He slowly gets up, wobbling around.)

DJ: W-where… am I…

Alejandro: You are with me, amigo. (He smiles warmly at DJ. DJ stares at him for a few seconds, and doesn't recognize Alejandro beneath the camouflage.)

DJ: MONSTER! (He screams, and starts to run away. As DJ runs past Alejandro, the tan-skinned teen swiftly sticks his foot out and trips the animal lover. DJ screams as he hurtles through the air and slams into the trunk of a large tree. He slowly slides down it, groaning. Alejandro walks over.)

Alejandro: I am sorry I had to do that. But it would be simply stupid of you to go running off this late at night. These woods are filled with bears, snakes, and assuredly rapists. Or maybe even a rapist who has snakes for arms and rides a bear. (DJ whimpers.)

DJ: B-but… w-who are you?

Alejandro: It is me. Your friendly neighborhood Alejandro.

DJ: But… what are you wearing? (He points to Alejandro's camouflage. Alejandro chuckles.)

Alejandro: I tried to hunt. It did not work out too well. But who cares about that? I got something even better: a friend. (He hugs DJ warmly. DJ moves away, suspicious.)

DJ: We aint friends, dawg. Not after you screwed me in Total Drama World Tour. (Alejandro chuckles.)

Alejandro: Let us put the past behind us. I'm a changed man, DJ. And look at us. Two men of very different backgrounds. Yet we were both backstabbed by the people we thought we could trust. (He places a hand on DJ's shoulder.) Times like these require that we band together, and look out for one another. Look into my Spanish eyes, DJ. Do you see ill intent? (DJ slowly shakes his head.) See? I am simply here to help you in any way I can. (He stands up, and looks around.) It is far too dark to make it back to the cabin. We will have to sleep here. Will you be able to do that?

DJ: P-probably. There's just one thing…

Alejandro: Tell me, DJ. Alejandro loves to listen to your concerns. The thought of helping you vanquish them gives him great excitement. (DJ stares at him.)

DJ: Um, okay. Anyways, usually, before I go to bed, my mom helps me fall asleep.

Alejandro: Of course. Whatever task you need me to perform, I will carry out with the utmost punctuality and sincerity. I am here to please.

DJ: Well, usually my mom starts by tucking me in…

Alejandro: Ah, _si_. I will tuck you in, mi amigo. (He grins warmly. Grabbing a pile of leaves, he then spreads them across DJ, covering his body in a blanket of them.) How is that? (DJ's eyelids start to droop, and he smiles.)

DJ: Perfect… just like momma…

Alejandro: So now you can sleep?

DJ: Well, _maybe_. But _usually _my momma then rubs my tummy wummy. (Alejandro swallows, and nods.)

Alejandro: Um… yes. Of course. I will see to the rubbing of your, er… _tummy wummy_. (He awkwardly lifts up DJ's shirt, and places his hand on the Jamaican teen's stomach. He slowly moves his hand back and forth across DJ's abs. DJ shakes his head)

DJ: No, you're doing it wrong. You need to do it in a circular motion. (Alejandro forces a grin, and starts moving his hand in circles. DJ frowns.) Counter-clockwise! (Alejandro frantically switches directions, and DJ leans back, sighing.) Ahh… perfect. (Alejandro takes his hand off of DJ's stomach, looking less enthusiastic than before.)

Alejandro: Anything else?

DJ: Finally, she lets me suck her thumb. (He looks at Alejandro expectantly. Alejandro looks away, cringing.)

Alejandro: Umm… as much as the Alejandro aims to please his amigo, I don't know if I feel comfortable doing that. (DJ nods.)

DJ: I understand. It's your choice. (He pauses.) It's just…

Alejandro: Just what?

DJ: A _true _amigo would let me suck their thumb. (He stares at Alejandro.) Are you a _true _amigo?

Alejandro: Heh heh… the truest. (He sits there awkwardly as DJ waits expectantly, his hands on his hips. The Spaniard swallows deeply.) Very well. (He slowly extends a hand towards the DJ. DJ grabs the thumb excitedly like a child with a new toy. The animal lover then begins to suck on the thumb ferociously, drenching it in saliva. Alejandro just sits there, trying to pretend this isn't happening. Slowly, as the night wears on, DJ's sucking becomes less rapid, until finally, he stops, and Alejandro thumb is now just sitting in his mouth. Alejandro checks to make sure he's asleep. The Spaniard then rips his thumb out of the brickhouse's mouth, and wipes it off in disgust.)

Alejandro: You pathetic, ungrateful baby… How dare you think you can suck the thumb of the Alejandro! (He is about to yell louder, but calms himself, and runs a hand through his long, flowing locks.) Well, he's asleep now. That's all the matters. And his jury vote is secure as well. (He lies down on the ground, and leans back against the tree.)

Alejandro: Ahh… now I may finally rest. (He slowly closes his eyes. Suddenly there is a lurch from beside him as DJ shifts in his sleep. The muscular teenager then rolls over, crushing Alejandro beneath him.)

Alejandro: Mmph.

**Confession Cam**

**Alejandro: So I spent the rest of the night flattened underneath DJ. I did not sleep a wink. I know I could have gotten up from underneath him and given him several powerful kicks to the face, but I did not do that. (His eyelid twitches.) However badly I wanted to. (He shrugs.) But a jury vote's a jury vote. And DJ OWES me after this. **

**DJ: Alejandro's a good guy to have around. And his thumb is delicious! It tastes just like a churro! **

**End of Confessionals **

_**The next day… **_

(It is around eleven o'clock, and the sun is now high in the clear blue sky. Chris is pacing in front of a picnic blanket that has been set up between the two cabins. Strewn across it is a large feast, with many gourmet foods items. The host is talking to himself, practicing.)

Chris: "Welcome, campers! To the merge feast!" No, that's boring. I always say shit like that. This introduction has gotta be spunky and original, Mclean! Let's see here… "The Merge we shall now begin. A feast we shall enjoy." Okay, I'm not f**king Yoda! Dammit, there has to be a good one! How about this one? "The merge is a lot like my mom. Unpredictable, bloodthirsty, and ultimately a terrible thing to experience if you aren't prepared." Yeah, I don't think that'll fly with Momma Mclean. This isn't working! (The host takes out his notepad, and flips through it.) Hmm… how about this one? (He clears his throat, and recites it.)

Chris: "Ready to merge? I know I am. The game is about to be taken up twenty notches! You better be prepared, or you'll be left behind in the dust." (He nods.) Not bad. Fairly sexy. I think that's the one! Alright, Chef, ring the gong. (Chef takes out a gong, and slams a giant stick against it. The gong rings out over camp, and a monumental groan erupts from the Screaming Ivy cabin. Slowly, everyone exits, and stands before Chris, including Katie, who is glaring fiercely. Chris smiles at them in anticipation. They all just glare at him. The host coughs.)

Chris: Umm… ready to, um…(He falls silent, and scowls.) Dammit, I screwed up! (He makes a rolling motion with his fingers.) Okay, let's redo it from the top. Everyone back into the cabins!

Courtney: I really don't think—

Chris: EVERYONE BACK INTO THE CABINS! (He looks like he is about to cry. Everyone quickly runs back inside. Chris slaps himself across the face.)

Chris: You can do this, Mclean. You rehearsed this. Okay, come back out! (Everyone comes back out and stands before Chris. Chris stands there, thinking.)

Chris: Merge—shit, I messed up again. Everyone back inside! (Once again, everyone runs back into the cabin. Chris takes a look at himself in the mirror.)

Chris: Come on, Chris. This isn't that hard. You're awesome. You can do this. Don't let their judgemental stares get to you. (He takes a deep breath.) I'm ready again! (Everyone walks out, scowling.)

Chris: Ready to merge? I know I am. This game is about to be taken up twenty notches! You better be prepared, or you'll be left behind in the dust. (He fist-pumps.) NAILED IT! (He stares at them expectantly. Then he frowns.) I was kind of expecting more of a reaction, you guys.

Gwen: What, did you think that the moment you announced it was the merge, we'd just start tearing each other apart like rabid beasts?

Chris: Well… yeah. Kind of. (He slumps his shoulders.)

Trent: So what's with all the food? Are you going on another one of your monster emo binges?

Chris: Trent, that was one time. I was feeling lonely! (He beckons back to the picnic brunch.) Anyways, this food is for you guys! You will be enjoying a celebratory picnic! (Everyone bursts into cheers. Chris grins.) Yep! Take a look. We've got burgers, fries, pizza, soda… all the stuff that's made your generation the fattest group of f**ks yet to roam the planet. You get to have as much as you want. (All the campers' eyes light up at this, and they start to make their way towards at the picnic blanket. However, Chris stops them.)

Chris: Now hold on a second. We're missing three of you. Where's Geoff, Ezekiel, and Tyler? I'm sure they wouldn't want to miss the feast. We've even got barrels filled with cereal, potatoes, and bananas just for them!

Bridgette (glancing around): That's weird… I haven't seen Geoff in a while now. I hope he's alright.

Chris: Well, no matter. I'm sure they're not doing anything to get themselves killed.

**Mess Hall**

Tyler: Geoff, man, I don't know about this…

Ezekiel: Yeah! What if we die, eh?

Geoff: Then we'll have died valiantly. (The three of them are on the roof of the Mess Hall. They are sitting on a long, sled-shaped item, made out of cereal boxes that have been folded open and attached to one another. Geoff sits in the front, with Ezekiel and Tyler clinging to him from behind.)

Tyler: But why are we even doing this?

Geoff: Because I need redemption, man! Last time I did this, I broke my butt. I was humiliated. My own girlfriend had to take me to the infirmary!

Ezekiel: And what on what groo'nds do you base the assumption that won't almost break your butt this time, eh?

Geoff: Because I'm Geoff!

Ezekiel: Can't argue with that logic. (Geoff's watch goes off, and he grows a stern look.)

Geoff: Okay, dudes. It's time. I think we're ready. Once we sled off this roof, we won't just be sledding off this roof. We'll be sledding our way into history.

Tyler: Damn. That's deep, man.

Geoff: I know. (He takes a deep breath.) Ready, guys? (Tyler and Ezekiel nod, and cling to him tighter.) THEN FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, LET'S FLY! (With that, he kicks off, and the three of them go sliding down the angled roof on the sled. As they near the edge, they pick up momentum. Geoff throws his hands up in ecstasy.)

Geoff: FEEL THE RUSH, DUDES! (The sled goes flying off the roof, and slams into the ground. However, it has gained so much momentum that it continues to gain speed, as they now sled along the ground, bouncing over patches of rough grass.)

Ezekiel: We're… we're doin' it, eh! We're sleddin'! (Tears of joy and relief are streaming down his face.)

Geoff: Dudes… we've done it. Now let's enjoy our victory ride through camp like the champions that we are. (The three of them fist-pump, and head in the direction of the cabins. Meanwhile, everyone is just sitting down on the picnic blanket, getting ready to dig in. Noah looks down at his plate, which has a foot-long, gourmet sandwich piled across it. Noah rubs his hands together, his mouth watering.)

Noah: Life, you have finally proven to me that you're not a pitiful, empty void set on ruining my happiness. (Grinning, he picks the sandwich up, and prepares to take a bite. Suddenly, he hears a deep rumbling in the distance. As the rumbling gets louder, he can faintly hear Tyler, Geoff, and Ezekiel whooping in joy. The trio suddenly appears over the horizon, racing right towards where Noah is sitting at the picnic. The know-it-all sighs and puts down his sandwich.)

Noah: And… cue the utter destruction of everything. (Geoff, Ezekiel, and Tyler, meanwhile, see the picnic in the distance.)

Ezekiel: Would you look at that. Looks like they're throwing a picnic in our honor, eh! (Geoff nods with approval.)

Geoff: As they should. (Everyone has now noticed the sled, and is frantically trying to stop them. They jump out in front of the picnic, waving their hands and yelling.)

Tyler: Hey... now they're performing an interpretive dance for us! (Bridgette runs farther out, so that they can now hear her.)

Bridgette: Guys! Stop the sled!

Geoff: Huh? Speak up! I've got a little wax in my ear. (Courtney shoves Bridgette aside.)

Courtney: SHE SAID TO STOP THE *********** SLED!

Ezekiel: My. No need to use such hurtful language, eh. (The three continue to get closer to the feast.)

Trent: Well, what are you waiting for? Do it!

Geoff: Yeah… there's just one problem about that.

Tyler: We can't stop! (Ezekiel grins, and starts singing.)

Ezekiel: And we won't stop… can't you see it's we who own the night! Can't you see it's we who bought that life! (He notices Geoff and Tyler staring at him.) What? I thought we were singing Miley Cyrus's smash single, "We Can't Stop"! Real catchy, eh. Even though I really don't like her new look. And the twerking has got to go. Only Leshawna can make it work. (Geoff stares at him, before slowly turning back to the situation in front of them.)

Geoff: Getting back on topic… AHHHHHHH! (The rest of the campers dive out of the way as the sled goes speeding right into the picnic blanket, crushing all of the food underneath it. The blanket gets wrapped up underneath the sled as it goes along, pulling the rest of the remaining food with it. Ezekiel, Geoff, and Tyler then scream as they go sledding right off the Dock of Shame, bringing the picnic down with them. They land in the water with a splash, and rise to the surface, coughing. Ezekiel takes off his toque and rings the water out of it. He then looks sadly over at Geoff, who is treading water nearby, facing away from him with his shoulders slumped.)

Ezekiel: I'm soory this didn't turn oot the way you planned, eh. (Slowly, Geoff's posture becomes straighter, and he turns to face them.)

Geoff: Guys?

Tyler: Yeah, dude?

Geoff: We just completely ruined everyone's day with our own stupid actions, all the while humiliating ourselves on national TV in the process. (Suddenly, his face breaks into a grin.) And it was worth every penny. I'VE GOT MY MOJO BACK!

Ezekiel: Really? Hoo' do you know?

Geoff: Look at me! Have I ever looked sexier? (Ezekiel runs his eyes over Geoff, and gasps.)

Ezekiel: By golly, yer right! And you were pretty damn sexy before, eh. (Geoff stares at him. Ezekiel chuckles.) Erm… not like I noticed, or anything.

Geoff: Anyways, I feel better than ever before. This is just what I needed. I love you guys. (He hugs them tightly.)

Tyler: Aww… I love you too, dude.

Ezekiel: Same here! (He points to the rest of the campers, who have gathered at the beach.) And I love you guys, too! (The campers just glare at him. Geoff chuckles.)

Geoff: Hey, you guys! Guess what? I have some great news to tell you. I didn't break my butt this time! Isn't that great? (He frowns as everyone starts to walk away.) Hey! Where's everyone going? We should propose a toast! To Geoff's butt! For not getting broken! (He sighs as the rest of the contestants disappear from view.) Why is nobody interested in my butt? (He suddenly notices that Izzy has stayed behind, smiling.)

Izzy: I know somebody who would be interested. (Geoff smiles in excitement.)

Geoff: Really? Who? (Suddenly, he notices a large, muscular Hispanic man in a prison outfit standing next to her. Geoff swallows deeply.) Um… who's that standing next to you?

Izzy: It's my good pal Ricardo! We escaped prison together. And trust me… he's _very _interested in your butt. (Ricardo nods, and licks his lips. Izzy chuckles.) Ricardo loves a man with a little "mojo" in him. It makes it much more fun. (Geoff stares at her in horror, before frantically paddling away.)

**Confession Cam**

**Geoff: So everyone decided to be haters. I understand. But all that matters is that my mojo's back! And now that I'm back to the normal Geoff, I can focus on gathering forces to get rid of Katie! And then Bridgette will have to take me back! (His lower lips starts to tremble.) Bridgette… (He shakes it off.) No! My butt didn't break for a reason! I need to act like it! Hell yeah! (He suddenly notices Ricardo standing outside the Confessional, peering inwards at him and beaming. Geoff, terrified, sprints out of the Confessional as fast he can. Ricardo sighs, and sits down to confess.) **

**Ricardo: Why does nobody love Ricardo? (A single tear rolls down his cheek as he places his head in his hands.) **

**(Static) **

**Bridgette: Looks like Geoff is handling the break-up surprisingly well. You know he's back to normal if he's obsessing over his butt. **

**Geoff: So, I've been thinking, and I've realized the only way I can get rid of Katie is if I go and talk to each of the Screaming Ivy members one-on-one. I can tell each of them what a fraud she is, and they'll have to believe me! (He pauses.) Hmm? Why do I think that they'll believe me? Why won't they just vote me off because of my destruction of the picnic? Why, because I'm Geoff! (Ezekiel sticks his head in through the window.) **

**Ezekiel: Can't argue with that logic. **

**End of Confessionals**

Courtney: What happened to you two last night, anyway? You look different. (The campers are now sitting at the tables, clutching their rumbling stomachs and groaning. Courtney is sitting next to Trent and Cody, whose bodies have both been mashed into the shape of guitars. Trent scowls.)

Trent: I don't want to talk about it. (He looks down the table towards Gwen, who is sitting by herself. His eyes narrow.) The Goth is planning something.

Cody: What makes you say that?

Trent: It's all too suspicious! Why isn't she trying to make conversation with us? Why is she going out of her way not to sit with us?

Courtney: Probably because when she tried to sit down with us earlier, you told her that she was a terrible person and told her not to sit with us.

Trent: I did?

Courtney: Yes. Yes you did.

Trent: Hm. Well, I still think she's up to something. I don't trust her one bit. She's got to go next.

Cody: No! I won't ever vote for Gw—

Trent: Did I say you could speak, Cody? I don't recall saying you could speak. (Courtney places a hand on his shoulder.)

Courtney: Actually, I agree with the geek, for once. As much as I would love to send Gwen home … I think it should be Katie. (Trent jumps up to stand in his seat in shock.)

Trent: NO! (Courtney stares at him. The guitarist chuckles, rubbing the back of his head. He slowly sits back down, twiddling his thumbs.) Um… maybe we shouldn't do that. (Courtney narrows her eyes at him.)

Courtney: Why not? I thought you hated her.

Trent: I do! I just hate Gwen more. Heh heh. (He starts to sweat as Courtney eyes him.)

Courtney: Is there something you're not telling me?

Trent: Only how much I find you attractive. (He grabs her and jams his tongue down her throat. After they make out, he pulls away.) Trust me, babe. I just think it needs to be Gwen. Isn't that what you want?

Courtney: I guess…

Trent: Good. (He leans back, and sighs in disbelief.) Wow. My own excellence astonishes even myself. This will be a glorious move. I am such a great strategist.

Gwen: Yeah, except for the fact that I heard every word you just said. (Trent's face drops, and he looks over at Gwen, who is smirking back at him from the other end of the table. He falls silent. Smiling to herself, the Goth girl then turns back to her book, and continues reading. Suddenly, Geoff appears out of nowhere and jumps down onto the seat next to her, making Gwen jump in surprise. The party boy grins at her.)

Geoff: What's up, my morbid 'migo? (He holds out his hand in a fist-bump, waiting for her to pound it. When she doesn't, he frowns.) C'mon, babe! Don't leave me hanging! A fist left unbumped can lead to cancer.

Gwen: What do you want, Geoff? (Geoff grows serious, and swallows deeply. He looks left. He looks right. He then starts whispering in Gwen's ear.)

Geoff: I've got a plan that's going to blow your mind, babe. Seriously. When you hear it, you'll probably piss your pants. It happened to me when I first came up with the plan. See? (He beckons to a dark spot on his shorts. Gwen turns away in disgust.)

Gwen: You really didn't need to show me that.

Geoff: Just trying to prove a point.

Gwen: So what's this "plan", anyways? Care to explain? (Geoff stares at her blankly.)

Geoff: Huh?

Gwen: You know… the proposition? The one that you were going to make to me? The one that was going to make me piss my pants? (Geoff continues to stare at her, before finally snapping his fingers.)

Geoff: Oh yeah! Totally forgot.

Gwen: You were literally talking about it five seconds ago!

Geoff: Chill, my death-loving dudette. I'll tell you the plan. (He rests his elbows on the table, and launches into a story.) So, I there I was sitting on the toilet one day. I was taking this MASSIVE dump. Like, you wouldn't believe how big it was. It practically—

Gwen: Can we please skip the details?

Geoff: Geez! I'm sorry. I just like to use imagery when I'm telling a story. Somebody doesn't like good literature, it seems. Anyways, while I was, um… doing my private business, I thought of something. How do you achieve something truly great? Small beginnings! All great things have small beginnings. Kind of like a penis. It starts out—

Gwen: Please don't finish that metaphor. (Geoff crosses his arms.)

Geoff: Damn. I'm sorry that I like to use figurative language, too! For somebody who loves Shakespeare, you really seem to hate the art of the spoken word. Let's just cut to the chase. Here's my plan. You and I are that small beginning, Gwen! (Gwen raises her eyebrows.)

Gwen: Wait… you want to form an alliance with me?

Geoff: Hell yeah I do, my corpse-like companion!

Gwen: Okay, enough with the stereotypical alliterative nicknames! (She pauses.) But I'm interested. (Geoff throws his hands up in the air with joy.)

Geoff: THANK YOU! I KNEW that dump meant something! (Noticing everyone staring at them, Gwen grabs his arms and lowers them.)

Gwen: Let's try to be a little quieter, okay?

Geoff: Sorry… I just can't wait! Katie's totally gonna get booted now! And then I'm gonna host the biggest party ever, and she WON'T be invited!

Gwen: You want to get rid of Katie?

Geoff: Of course I do! She ruined my relationship with Bridgette! The sooner she's gone, the easier it will be to mend our bond. You're okay with that, right? (Gwen grins.)

Gwen: It's actually exactly what I was thinking. There's just one problem. How exactly are we going to get the numbers to do it? (Geoff rears his head back in laughter.)

Geoff: Numbers? HA! I laugh at numbers. Numbers are of no importance to me. (He pauses, then his brow furrows.) What are numbers?

Gwen: We need to have the majority of the people on our side. Right now we have 2. 3, if you count Bridgette, who I'm also in an alliance with. We still need 4 more people! How are we going to convince them to join us?

Geoff: Don't worry, woman! I'm on it. It'll be no problem. I'm great with people.

Gwen: Yeah, but what makes you think they'll do what you say? What makes you think they won't lie straight to your face, tell Katie about the plot, and join together to vote either you, me, or Bridgette off? (Geoff chuckles.)

Geoff: They won't do that.

Gwen: Why not?

Geoff: Because I'm Geoff! (Ezekiel suddenly appears next to Gwen, making her jump in surprise.)

Ezekiel: Can't argue with that logic. (Gwen angrily shoves him off to the side, and scowls at Geoff.)

Gwen: We can't just have you going around talking to everyone. We need an organized plan of who we think we can convince.

Geoff: Don't worry! I'm organized as f**k! I've got it on cruise control. Now just sit back and think about death while your bro Geoff works his magic. (He suddenly notices Ricardo sitting at the table across from them, looking straight at the cereal lover and wiggling his eyebrows. Geoff quickly gets up from his seat.)

Geoff: Um… I have to go. (He sprints off. Gwen sighs, and shakes her head, and mutters to herself.)

Gwen: Let's hope you didn't just walk right into your execution, Gwen.

Trent: Tell me everything he said right now in the form of an organized, chronological verbal essay. (Gwen screams in surprise, and then scowls at Trent, who is now sitting across the table from her.)

Gwen: Yeah, keep with the trend of appearing randomly and scaring the sh** out of me, why don't you?

Trent: I don't have time for games, Gwen. I just saw you having a very intimate discussion with Geoff. You are posing a threat to the safety of the Screaming Ivy. What is going on?

Gwen: Nothing! He just wanted to tell me more about his butt. You know how Geoff is with his butt.

Trent: I know that that conversation went far beyond the subject of glutes, Gwen.

Gwen: No it didn't! Now stop acting like you think you can interrogate me! It isn't going to work!

Trent: Very well. But I know about the chemistry you guys have together. I've read it firsthand.

Gwen: Huh? What the hell do you mean by that?

Trent (crossing his arms): "Gweoff" fics, ring a bell? They're some of the most intriguing pieces on FanFiction. I read them all the time. And the chemistry is undeniable. Your reserved and quiet nature fits perfectly with his fun-loving, adventurous soul.

Gwen: You need to stop reading those, Trent. It's really strange, for one. And they distort your idea of reality.

Trent: Whatever. But I know that the spark is there. And I think you two are in an alliance.

Gwen: You can think whatever you want. You'll still be shaped like a guitar. (Trent scowls at her.)

Trent: At least it gives me more curves than you, you skinny freak. I'm watching you. Just know that. Watch your back. (He narrows his eyes at her, and sits there, scowling. There is an awkward silence.)

Gwen: Um… now would be your cue to get up and walk away.

Trent: Actually, I thought I'd sit here while we wait. You don't mind, do you?

Gwen: Fine. Then I'll do the walking away. (With that, she gets up, and storms away.)

Trent: My. So rude.

**Confession Cam**

**Trent: This is playing out just like that one Gweoff FanFiction I read a while back. The first meeting is but a short, fleeting exchange. But then, as time and chapters wear on, Geoff is able to help Gwen drop the protective shield she's been surrounding herself with ever since the years of abuse in a past relationship. Finally having helped her drop her defenses, he enters her. (He pauses.) Her heart! I meant he enters her heart! Anyways, their bond grows stronger. Geoff teaches Gwen to love life again. At the same time, Gwen helps Geoff give up the party life, and learn to see the beauty in more subtle activities. They paint together. They bathe together. They go wine-tasting. Then one night, as they're on a date down by the water, Geoff can no longer help himself. He wraps Gwen up in his arms, and their lips meet. They stand on the moonlit beach, their bodies entwined. They become one soul, one beautiful, elegant soul. (He sighs.) Such a romantic story… (He suddenly slaps himself.) Stop it, Trent! You can't get lost in your fan girl fantasies! They're banding together to take you out! (He sniffles.) B-but… the moonlit beach…**

**Gwen: As weird as it is for me to say this, I actually trust Geoff. I think this alliance is exactly what I need. Geoff, despite the fact that he's a vulgar idiot at times, is actually a very powerful person to have on your side. He's friendly. He gets along with people. If he really tried, he would be an excellent manipulator. (She sighs.) I don't know how good he is at reading personalities, though. I just hope he's picking the right people to align with… **

**Geoff: Well, now that the foundation is in place, I just need to find the pieces. Then BAM! Katie won't know what hit her. But I have to pick carefully. I need to choose the right people for this alliance. They need to have all the traits of an awesome person. That means trustworthiness, loyalty, and a kind heart. And you know who I think embodies all of those traits? Trent, man. From what I've seen of him, he seems like a good, honest dude. I honestly can't think of a single bad thing about him. So Trent it is! **

**End of Confessionals **

Chris: Campers, I have a VERY important announcement to make. But first things first… Lindsay, please say something.

Lindsay: Like what?

Chris: Anything you want.

Lindsay: Um… I like shoes.

Chris: Good. (He smiles at the camera.) Here on Total Drama Returns, we try to give everyone a good amount of meaningful dialogue per chapter, even when they have nothing to do with the central storyline at the moment.

Bridgette: How is "I like shoes" meaningful dialogue? (Chris slowly turns to her, his eyes narrowed. He softly speaks to her, his voice a barely audible whisper.)

Chris: Do you like shoes, Bridgette?

Bridgette: Um, sure. They're fine.

Chris: SO THEREFORE, "I LIKE SHOES" IS MEANINGFUL! **HA! **(Bridgette just shakes her head, and sighs. Chris then turns to the rest of the campers, who are all sitting at the picnic tables.) So, the announcement. I'm sure you all can't wait to witness the fate of Alejandro and DJ.

Courtney: Nah. Not so much.

Katie: I kind of forgot they were gone.

Lindsay: Who are Alejandro and DJ? Are they types of shoes?

Chris: They're not shoes! They used to be your teammates! And they will be battling one another to see who gets to stay in Redemption Cabin. That duel will be happening shortly, and all of you will be attending. (Everyone groans. Chris frowns.)

Chris: Come on! It'll be a bonding experience! Plus, Redemption Cabin has been making Alejandro reach all new levels of gay. It's truly been a sight to behold. (He chuckles.) But while we wait for that fun, I thought, why not shake up the game a little bit?

Trent: By jumping off the dock in suicide and giving me the hosting role?

Chris: Not exactly. Get prepared for a major twist, campers. Behold! (He takes out a wooden carving of his own head, and holds it up proudly. The teeth glint in the sunlight.) See the resemblance?

Noah: So what? You've always been a complete narcissist that likes to make creepy artistic renditions of himself. How does this shake up the game in any way?

Chris: Because this head could mean the difference between you staying in this very game and being eliminated.

Katie: Okay, but it's still really weird that you have a carving of your _own head_. Do you realize how awkward that is?

Chris: You're just jealous that I got an A+ in Woodshop, aren't you? Anyways, I call this… "The Hidden Chris Head of Power"! (Everyone falls silent, and listens.) That's right. This is a VERY powerful tool. If you have this in your possession, you can make yourself immune for one vote. When we go to the Campfire Ceremony, if you feel that your ass could be on the line, you simply bust this handsome baby out, and you automatically get a marshmallow. The person with the next highest number of votes is sent home. However, if you play the Chris Head when you would have gotten a marshmallow anyway, it will have been a complete and utter waste. You will look like a moron on national TV. Or the even more humiliating option: not playing it, and being voted out with the idol in your back pocket. I'd probably commit suicide out of shame if _that _happened! It is a very risky decision. (Suddenly, Trent snatches the carving from Chris's hands.)

Trent: There! I found it. That was easy.

Chris: You think that's the real Chris Head, Trenton? It's nothing but a fake! You'd know that that if you paid any attention to my face. This one's eyebrows aren't nearly as lush as my own. The REAL copy is hidden somewhere on the island. To find it, you'll need to be very resourceful.

Katie: Or we could just blackmail you into telling us where it is.

Chris: Not going to work. You see, I don't exactly know where it is, either.

Gwen: Why? Did someone else hide it for you?

Chris: Nope. I just kind of… forgot. Heh heh. You're going to have to pretty much devote your life to the job if you want even a chance at finding it. But if you do… you'll have a ticket for one more day on the island.

Izzy: What about your real disembodied head? What do we get for bringing you that?

Chris: And just when I thought I wouldn't need bodyguards anymore. Anyways, good luck, campers! Happy hunting! (With that, he skips away. There is silence, as all the campers look around at each other. Finally, Katie speaks up.)

Katie: If anybody looks for it, they better find it. Because otherwise, they're out. Simple as that. (Trent stares at her in shock.)

Trent: Wha… what do you mean?

Katie: I say that if anyone goes looking for the idol, we should team up and vote them out. They'll be too dangerous otherwise. Nobody should have that much power.

Gwen: For once, I agree with her. It seems like the smartest choice.

Courtney: Besides, you'd have to be a f**king moron to go looking for the idol right now, when there's eleven other people who could plot your demise while you're gone.

Trent: Heh heh… yeah. (He suddenly gets up.) I need to, um… go collect some firewood. (He starts to make his way towards the forest.)

Noah: Are you f**king stupid? We all know what you're actually going to go do.

Trent: What? We NEED firewood, guys!

Katie: For _what_?

Trent: For the… um… the fire.

Katie: _What _fire?

Trent: Erm… that fire! (He points at a squirrel.)

Gwen: Trent, you are such a terrible liar. You're going to go look for the Chris Head. (Trent looks around at everyone, who is nodding in agreement. Trent starts to tremble. Suddenly, he starts sprinting in the direction of the woods. He turns around to face them as he runs.)

Trent: WELL I'M GOING TO FIND IT BEFORE ALL OF YOU! MUAHAHAHA! (He suddenly runs right into a tree, and falls to the ground, unconscious. Katie smacks her head with her hand.)

Bridgette: Well, that took care of the problem.

Gwen: Thank god for that.

Cody: Heh heh. Yeah. I mean, who cares about a stupid all-powerful idol, anyways? (There's an awkward silence. Suddenly, quick as a flash, everyone is up out of their seats, pushing and shoving each other as they race off in the direction of the forest. Ezekiel is caught in the middle of the pack, and looks around, puzzled.)

Ezekiel: What the…?! Where's everyone goin', eh? You don't have to do this! Don't leave me! NOOOO! (He cries as everyone disappears into the forest, leaving him by himself. Ezekiel falls to the ground in sadness, whimpering. Suddenly, a shadow appears over him. The homeschool looks up, and sees Chef standing over him, his arms crossed. Ezekiel sobs with relief.) Chef! Oh, I knew it! I knew you were a true friend! You stayed here!

Chef: Oh, I stayed here, all right. I stayed here to tell you you're a big BABY! (Ezekiel's eyes widen in shock.)

Ezekiel: Wha…?

Chef: What do you think you're doing, boy? The merge has been happening for half a century, and you haven't made a single goddamn alliance! (Ezekiel starts to speak up, but Chef shushes him.) I don't count the one you made with the five potatoes in the kitchen. That don't COUNT!

Ezekiel: But… what should I do?

Chef: You're going to go into that forest, find that goddamn Chris Head, and get some people on our side! I think you should go after the females, personally. You're too effeminate not to. Yes. Females it is. By the time you exit that forest, I want you to have a bitch draped over either arm. You hear me? (Ezekiel nods.) Well, what are you waiting for? Get yo' ass outta here! (Ezekiel frantically gets up, and starts sprinting in the direction of the forest. He turns back to salute Chef.)

Ezekiel: I'll do my best, eh! (Suddenly, he trips over Trent's unconscious body, and topples onto the ground. The homeschool frantically gets back up, salutes again, and continues onwards into the woods. Chef groans.)

Chef: That boy is such a failure. I honestly think he hasn't had a single success in his entire life.

**Confession Cam**

**Chef: You're probably wondering why I would align with Ezekiel of all people. Well, it's mostly because I know he's the only one who's stupid enough to give me all of the prize money. (He pauses.) Actually, that's the only reason. **

**Ezekiel: I can't let Chef doon. I **_**won't **_**let Chef doon! He's such a good guy, eh. In fact, Chef's probably the goodest guy I know, believe it or not. He's so good, he practically secretes goodness wherever he walks. You can see the good just oozing out of his skin. In fact, I'd say Chef is the epitome of goodness. I hope that one day he takes just a little bit of that goodness, and gives it me. Gives it to me good. (He thinks for a moment.) I should probably rephrase that, eh. **

**Bridgette: Well, it didn't take long for everyone to go crazy over that idol. It was like a mob effect. Courtney was steaming past everyone like a frickin' freight train, shoving people into bushes… Izzy was running around kicking people in the groin… Tyler was already climbing in half the trees, injuring himself like a madman… I'm pretty sure he didn't even know what he was looking for. It was absolute chaos. And you know what? I'm pretty sure that's exactly what Chris wanted. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Wawanakwa Forest**

Izzy: Woohoo! Adventure is abound! You can taste it in the air! (She is sprinting down one of the paths in the forest, cackling like a crazy person. Meanwhile, one hundred yards behind, Noah is panting and heaving as he tries to keep up.)

Noah (breathing heavily): The only… thing… I can taste… is my own… heart… being shoved into… my esophagus. (He sees Izzy getting farther away.) Izzy… w-wait up! I can't… run this fast! (He pauses, and clutches at a cramp in his side.) Ow! I think my kidneys just imploded! (He falls to the ground, groaning, and collapses in a pool of his own saliva.)

Noah: Uggh… why can't I be more athletic… (Suddenly, he feels a cold, ominous presence above him. The bookworm looks up, and sees Katie extending a hand downwards to him, grinning from ear to ear. Standing next to her is Cody, who is also smiling. Noah groans.)

Noah: Were you following me this whole time?

Katie: Is that a bad thing? We just thought we'd help you. I feel really bad about the whole incident last night. I'd like to make it up to you. Join our group?

Noah: No. (Katie leans down, looking less friendly.)

Katie: You just were abandoned by your own girlfriend, Noah. You don't have a choice. But we won't leave you behind. Trust us. Right, Cody? (Cody nods.) See? And don't worry. We'll make sure to account for the fact that your physical fitness is that of an obese seventy year old missing his legs. So whaddaya say? (She holds out her hand again. Noah sighs, and takes it. Katie helps him up and smiles at him, her eyes glinting evilly.)

Katie: A smart choice, Noah. And they say you're not as smart as you look.

Noah: Let's just go. (They start to walk. Noah crosses his arms.) And I'm pretty sure I could run faster than a guy missing his legs, by the way.

Katie: Oh, Noah… of course you can't.

**Confession Cam**

**Noah: Damn it! This exactly what I **_**didn't **_**want to happen. The more I'm stuck with Katie and her alliance, the more my options start to evaporate. I have to get out of that group, before it's too late. I'd be happy to align with **_**Ezekiel **_**at this point. (He pauses, chuckling.) Who am I kidding? Who in their right mind would start an alliance with **_**Ezekiel**_**? (He suddenly notices Chef, standing outside the confessional and scowling to himself while grumbling.) **

**Katie: Perfect. Noah is slowly bending to my command. I've got Cody and Trent on lock. Noah is almost complete. Tyler and Ezekiel will do what I say as well. Throw in Lindsay, and can you say Final 7? That's when I'll get rid of Noah. He'll be the only threat left at that point. Then it'll be me and 5 idiots. It will be glorious. **

**End of Confessionals **

Trent: Dammit… where's that idol? (He is digging through bushes, scratching his arms on leaves. He has a big bruise on his head where he hit the ground earlier. Slowly, he gets up, and dusts himself off.) It's not in the bushes… maybe in one of the trees? (He walks over to one of the tree trunks, and sees that there is a large rock stuffed in its hollow.)

Trent: Jackpot, baby. (Licking his lips, he pulls the rock away. Geoff suddenly sticks his head out of the tree hollow, grinning. Trent jumps back in surprise and lands on his butt.)

Geoff: Hey, dude! How's life? (Trent gets up from the ground.)

Trent: It was a lot better before you did that. (He beckons to the tree hollow that Geoff is stuffed inside of.) What are you doing in there?! _How _did you get in there?

Geoff: I'm very flexible. You see, I knew you'd come to this tree, Trent. And I needed to talk to you in secrecy, my friend. I wanted to make you an offer. (Trent raises his eyebrows.)

Trent: Continue. (Geoff stares at him.)

Geoff: Huh?

Trent: You said you were going to make me an offer.

Geoff: I did?

Trent: Yeah! You said you wanted to talk to me in secrecy! About an offer! You literally were just talking about it one second ago!

Geoff: Oh… _that _offer. Gotta be more specific, dude. (Trent just groans. Geoff looks sternly at Trent.) Now, I don't know you very well, but I think I can trust you. (Trent snorts with laughter, before quickly catching himself.)

Trent: Okay. (He restrains a giggle.) That's good to hear. (He then bursts out laughing.) Sorry. I just can't believe you think you can trust me. That's classic! Have you lost you mind? (Geoff frowns.)

Geoff: So I _can't _trust you? (Trent stutters, catching himself.)

Trent: No way! Of course you can trust me. I'm a very trustworthy guy.

Geoff: I don't know… I'm a little suspicious now. How do I know I can count on you to tell me the truth?

Trent: Um… because I play guitar? (Geoff nods.)

Geoff: You know me well. I've always trusted a man that can play a guitar. So, here was the plan: Katie's got to go. In case you didn't know, she's possibly the most evil person on the face of the planet. Besides the Trix Rabbit, of course. Always trying to steal the poor kids' cereal! (Trent fake gasps.)

Trent: Really? Katie? I was completely unaware! She seemed so nice. (He sits down, feigning shock.) Wow. I can't believe it. You think you know a person.

Geoff: I know. But Katie can be vanquished, dude! I've already got Gwen and Bridgette on board. You in? (Trent nods.)

Trent: Of course, bro. Sounds awesome.

Geoff: Great! (He sighs.) Man, this is going so much better than expected. When I first had the plan in mind, I never thought—(He is cut off as Trent stuffs the rock back into the tree hollow, and starts walking away, smirking to himself.)

Geoff (muffled, from inside of the tree): Um… okay then! I feel ya, bro! See ya around! (There is silence.) Now… how exactly do I get out of here?

**Confession Cam**

**Geoff: Man, this alliance of mine is going even better than expected! I'm thinking of giving us an awesome nickname. How about… "The Geoffs"? It has a ring to it, don't you think? Either way, I feel that Trent is a really great guy to be in an alliance with. He seems like a really beautiful person. And I'm sure Gwen will be happy to hear I talked to him. They're pretty close, right? Aren't they dating, or something? I haven't really been paying attention to that shit since TDI. Whatever. YOLO! **

**Trent: Oh, Geoff… you poor, confused idiot… I guess you really didn't know me as well as you thought. If you did, you'd know that I hate Gwen with a passion. And now, by being aligned with her, you've made yourself an enemy of mine. However, I have to pretend I'm on Geoff's side. That way, I can relay crucial info back to Katie. (He chuckles.) And seriously? Why would I want to be part of an alliance called "The Geoffs"? **

**End of Confessionals**

**Back at Camp**

Chef: Doooo doooo doo doo doo doooo… (He is singing to himself and twirling his keys on his finger as he walks up the steps to his trailer. He arrives at the door and opens it. The cook then enters into the air-conditioned room and strikes a dance move, before moving over to the mirror and stripping off his clothes. Still humming, he admires his body for a moment in the full length mirror, before walking over to a cabinet and grabbing a bar of soap and a bottle of shampoo. Slinging a towel over his bare shoulder, he walks in the direction of the bathroom, now singing at a higher volume.)

Chef (singing): And, as, long as I've got my suit and tie, I will leave it all on the floor tonight! (He chuckles as he opens the door to his private spa and bathroom.) Justin Timberlake, you may be one gay-ass cracker, but your music is great for bathin' to! So for that, I commend you. (He strolls over to the sink, and puts his materials on the counter, not noticing Ezekiel's toque sitting nearby. Chef is now in front of the bathroom mirror, grinning at his reflection.)

Chef: Damn. You've still got it, Chef. You're one damn handsome dude! If you weren't just a reflection, I'd probably rape you. But enough of all that. It's time for my favorite time of the day! Chef's bath time! I've got my soap, and my magazines, and my—(He suddenly hears something. Chef stops himself, and stands there, listening. The cook can just barely hear the faint sound of water sloshing and what sounds like Ezekiel humming.)

Chef: Hmm… that almost sounds like… (He shrugs.) Ha! Nah. I'm just losing my mind. Now where was I? Oh yes. What's a bath without a little atmosphere? (He walks over to a box of matches, and sets one of the matches on fire. He then grabs a scented candle, and lights it. He places it on the counter, and then dims the lights.)

Chef: Perfect. Now what am I waiting for? (With that, he walks over to the bathtub, and pulls the curtain away. The moment he does, he screams. There, in the bathtub, is Ezekiel. The homeschool is wearing a shower cap, and is scrubbing his armpits joyfully. The entire tub is foaming over with bubbles. Ezekiel finally looks up, and sees Chef fuming down at him. He waves, and laughs.)

Ezekiel: Hey, Chef! Come on in, eh! The bathwater is absolutely divine. And the atmosphere? Five stars, my good man.

Chef: WHAT THE FLAPPETY F**KCAKE ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?!

Ezekiel: Taking a bath, eh! What does it look like I'm doing, silly?

Chef: That's all gay and dandy, but why the hell are you doing it in _MY_ QUALITY TUB?

Ezekiel: I thought since we were in an alliance and all, you wouldn't mind me stopping by to catch up on my personal hygiene.

Chef: You're not supposed to be in here! You're supposed to be out in the forest, acting like a man! Finding that idol! Forming alliances! Taming bitches! But instead, I find you in here, getting your nasty white-boy fluids all over _my _quality sponges!

Ezekiel: And I must say, these sponges are the bomb, eh. So firm, yet so fluffy, all at the same time! And their absorption quality? Off the chain! The perfect sponges, if I do say so meself, eh. But they don't even compare to these glorious, handsome rubber ducks of yours! (He beckons to the side of the bathtub, where a line of rubber ducks sits in order. He picks one up, and squeezes it.) Look at this one! It has a baseball cap! Seriously, I never would have thought of that. Damn. A duck with a hat. That's damn revolutionary, eh! Why aren't we funding this?

Chef: GET YO' HANDS OFF D'SEAN THE DUCK! AND GET YO' ASS OUT OF MY TUB! GO DO SOME ACTUAL WORK!

Ezekiel: But I can't work with shampoo in my hair! It'll take at least another hoo'r to scrub it all in. (Chef stares at him for a moment, before clenching his fists.)

Chef: That's it. Since you obviously don't give a flying **** about this alliance, it looks like I'll have to do all the work for the both of us! I'm taking matters into my own hands! Because unlike _you_, I don't have a vagina! (He grabs his clothes, and storms out of the bathroom.)

Ezekiel: I love you too, Chef! (He whistles to himself.) Woo'w. What an inspirational man, eh.

**Confession Cam**

**Chef: Okay, I knew that Ezekiel kid was a dumbass, but I didn't know he was **_**this **_**dumb! I really should've thought before I offered him an alliance. I should've heeded the signs. Perhaps the fact that he's been voted off first in two different seasons. But now that I'm stuck with him, I need to make sure we're in a good position in this game. It's time for Chef to show his strategic side. (He rubs his hands together.) **

**Ezekiel: I don't care aboot all those rumors they say about Chef liking men, eh. I say that any man that puts that much hard work and dedication into his bath time is as heterosexual as they get! **

**Chef: I think I'm gonna go after the females. Use my charms to my advantage. It's been a while since the last time I manipulated a woman… but I bet this will still be a piece of cake. Cause Chef Hatchet got game! Those bitches will be clamoring to join an alliance with me! **

**End of Confessionals**

Gwen: How many times do we have to tell you? Stop following us! (She and Bridgette are walking quickly through the forest, as Chef follows after them.)

Chef: Imma follow you as much as I like! It's a free country!

Bridgette: Fine! But we already said we're not joining any illegal alliance with you!

Chef: Why not? It's not like there aint not nothing wrong with no illegal alliance! (Gwen counts on her fingers for a moment, before gasping.)

Gwen: Wow. You just used a quintuple negative. My mind has been blown.

Chef: Shut up! Don't you make fun of my grammar! In case you didn't know, I had to educate myself, miss! You, however, got a premium white girl education. And what do you do with it? You use it to write creepy-ass poems that make me suicidal when I read them!

Gwen: Not helping your case, Chef.

Bridgette: Listen, Chef. You're a nice guy. I think. But we can't just do something illegal like that! It's not how Gwen and I roll.

Chef: Oh, I get it. You don't think I'm "cool" enough for you, huh?

Bridgette: In what part of that statement did I mention anything along those lines?

Chef: You don't have to say it! I know that's the reason. But I'll have you know that I'm the coolest guy around. I'm just like you teenagers. And I know you teenage girls love them gay white boy heartthrobs that sing about the same thing in every single song.

Gwen: No we don't.

Chef: I was expecting you'd say that. But how about _five _gay white boys? (He rips off his apron, revealing a One Direction T-shirt underneath.) Check it out! Did you know I'm a huge fan of One Erection?

Bridgette: I think you mean "One Direction". And it doesn't matter, because I hate their music.

Gwen: And I hate the fans even more. Especially the ones that buy their T-shirts. So that really isn't helping to convince us, Chef.

Chef: WHAT?! What's wrong with you?! One Direction is so hip! They're like the Beatles, without the talent or charisma! You should be excited just by hearing me mention them!

Gwen: I'm more disturbed by the fact that they actually make One Direction T-shirts in your size.

Chef: Okay, I get it. You must be fans of the classics. (He rips off his outer shirt, revealing a Justin Bieber shirt underneath.)

Bridgette: Justin Bieber is _not _a classic.

Chef: What are you talking about? He's been around for so long, he's practically a fossil! And he's Canadian. So therefore, by not liking him, you are saying you hate your country. DO YOU HATE YOUR COUNTRY?

Gwen: Yes. I hate most people. (Chef scowls.)

Chef: It's obvious I'm not getting through to you girls. I didn't want to have to do this, but you leave me no choice. (He reaches dramatically into his pants, and pulls out two lollipops.) If you join my alliance, you get a lollipop. (Gwen and Bridgette burst out laughing.)

Bridgette: Chef, we're not five years old. You can't convince us with candy.

Chef: What cracker doesn't love sugar? You must be crazy! I thought candy was like a magnet to white people! (Suddenly, Ezekiel comes up behind him, wearing only a towel around his body. He sees the lollipops, and grins.)

Ezekiel: Ooo! Candy! I love candy, eh! (He grabs the two lollipops, and starts licking them. Chef whips around and backslaps him across the face, knocking the lollipops out of his mouth.)

Chef: And what the hell do you think you're doing?! Those were for the fine young ladies!

Ezekiel (peering around): Ladies? I don't see any ladies. We're the only ones here.

Chef (turning back around): Ha! Don't be silly. They're right—(He stops as he sees that Gwen and Bridgette have disappeared. Chef whips back around to face Ezekiel, his face red with anger.)

Chef: Now look at what you've done! I was _this _close to baitin' them bitches into an alliance, and then _you _come along and scare them off!

Ezekiel: I really don't think they were interested, eh.

Chef: And what makes you say that?!

Ezekiel: I dunno. Do you have any more lollipops?

Chef: Well, you're wrong! They were falling under my spell, see! You could see in it their eyes! They were slowly giving in to my manly charms! I don't care what you say! I'm not too old! I STILL GOT GAME! PLENTY OF GAME, I TELL YOU! (With that, he runs off, sobbing.)

Ezekiel: I guess he doesn't have any more lollipops. Darn shame.

**Confession Cam**

**Chef: Man, what's happened? The bitches used to do whatever I said back in the day! They'd crawl on their hands and knees through a sweltering hot desert just to get a slice of Chef Hatchet! And now they act like I'm a goddamn fool! Have I really lost it? (Chris sticks his head through the window.) **

**Chris: Yep. **

**Chef: I didn't ask for your opinion! **

**End of Confessionals**

Lindsay: Umm… Tyler? What are you doing? (She looks down at Tyler, who is kneeling on the ground and punching the dirt ferociously.)

Tyler: I'm forcing the earth through pure willpower to give me the idol! GIVE ME THE IDOL, EARTH! (Lindsay laughs.)

Lindsay: LOL, that sounds like SUCH a great Twitter quote! I'll think I'll tweet it! (She whips out her phone, and starts to type. With a roar, Tyler whips around and knocks Lindsay's phone out of her hands. It falls onto a boulder and breaks.)

Tyler: WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA ATTENTION-WHORING! (Noticing Lindsay's lower lip trembling, he sighs.) Look, Linds, I'm sorry. I overreacted there. I just REALLY want to find this idol. And I can feel it in the air! The idol has to be somewhere close! (He hugs her.) Will you forgive me?

Lindsay: Aww… of course I will, Tyler! It's actually _soooo_ cute when you break my technology that I spent large amounts of money on. (Tyler chuckles.)

Tyler: Heh heh. I guess it _is _kind of cute. I'm as cute as they get! Now let's find that idol! You look in those bushes. (He points to a large patch of bushes. Then he points to another large patch.) And I'll look in these. Holler if you find anything.

Lindsay: Okay. (She starts digging through the bushes. Suddenly, she comes across a bottle with a note inside of it. On the outside, it reads "Hidden Immunity Idol Clue". Lindsay gasps, and quickly opens up the bottle. She then pulls out the note, tosses it off to the side, and sticks the bottle up to her eye and looks through it. The blonde girl giggles.)

Lindsay: I have a telescope! (Meanwhile, Tyler is frantically rifling through the bushes, when suddenly, he sees something sitting beneath all the thickets. He gasps.)

**Confession Cam**

**Tyler: And there it was. The idol. It was right there. I KNEW that there was something suspicious about that bush! And I was right. At first, I really didn't know what to do with it. But I tell ya, I was pretty damn excited. It isn't often that you have this big of a breakthrough. **

**End of Confessionals**

Tyler: Lindsay, after many hours of searching, I present to you… THE IMMUNITY IDOL! (He reaches behind his back, pauses for dramatic effect, and pulls out a stick. He proudly holds it up to the sky, and then looks at Lindsay and grins.) Pretty cool, don't you think? (Lindsay frowns, scratching her head.)

Lindsay: Umm… are you sure that's it?

Tyler: Of course this is it! How could it not be? (He looks down at the stick, examining it.) It looks exactly like Chris! Don't you see the resemblance? (Lindsay gasps.)

Lindsay: Totally! I totally see it now!

Tyler: Yep, I'm pretty damn sure this is it. Look! It's even a little bit pointy on one end! It's obviously the idol. I have no doubt about it. (He lets loose a long breath.) Man. I'm still in shock. This is awesome.

Lindsay: Tyler, you are, like, _sooooo _incredible.

Tyler: I know, babe, I know. It's like I'm a genius, or something. I gotta go confess about this!

**Confession Cam**

**Tyler: Yep, so this is the idol. (He displays the stick for the camera, grinning cockily.) Pretty jealous, aren't you? I feel so powerful with this in my possession. The question is, just how much can this idol truly do? I'll need to test it out. (He reaches behind his back with the stick, and rubs it up and down against his back. He gasps in shock.) It makes a great back scratcher, too! This thing really IS all-powerful! **

**Lindsay: Tyler is so awesome. I'm so glad he's my boyfriend! He's got a great sense of humor to boot. Pretending that plain old stick is the idol… HA! Even **_**I **_**know that's not the Chris Head. I love it when he makes jokes like that. **

**End of Confessionals **

(Tyler and Lindsay are now relaxing against a tree, as Tyler fiddles with the "idol".)

Tyler: Man, I'm going to have so many fan girls after this. They'll practically be begging for me to ravage them like a Middle Ages battleground! But you know what? That doesn't matter. Because I promise only to ravage you, Lindsay. Nobody else. That's my vow.

Lindsay: Aww… that's so sweet!

Tyler: But still, with this in my possession, I'll be the coolest guy on Total Drama! (He starts twiddling the stick in his hands, beaming with confidence.) Yep, I'm practically the next—OW! ********! (He yells in pain as he accidentally jabs himself in the eye with the stick. Lindsay looks up from her phone, to see Tyler moaning and clutching at his eye.)

Lindsay: OMG, what happened? (Tyler chuckles, and tries to act manly.)

Tyler: Heh heh… nothing. I'm fine. Go back to your girl stuff. (He looks down at the stick.) We're going to have to find someplace safe to put you. Hmm… what's safer than in my pants? (With that, he shoves the stick down the front of his waistband. However, in doing so, he stabs it right into his penis. Tyler stands there for a moment. Then he jumps up into the air, yelping and grabbing his crotch in pain. He falls to the ground, sniffling pitifully.)

Lindsay: OMG, what now? (Tyler wipes the tears out of his eyes, and tries his best to smile.)

Tyler: It's all good! *sniff* This idol is just a little more dangerous than I expected, that's all. I'm still a beast. I just need to sit down for a moment. (Groaning, he sits down on one of the boulders. Courtney, meanwhile, is walking through the woods, when she notices Tyler and Lindsay in the clearing.)

Courtney (murmuring to herself): Now what could be going on over there…? (She crouches down in the bushes and watches. Tyler is now smiling cockily again, as he leans back on the rock.)

Tyler: Man, it's almost depressing how awesome I am. Because it makes me realize that there are so many people out there who are not nearly as awesome as me. (He shrugs.) I guess we can't all be Tyler, huh? We can't all be as gifted at finding things as I am. (Courtney gasps.)

Courtney (muttering to herself): Oh my god. You have got to be f**king with me.

**Confession Cam**

**Courtney: So **_**Tyler**_**, of all people, found the idol. (She groans.) **_**Tyler**_**! God! The guy that almost burned down half the island just trying to floss his teeth! And somehow, he finds that piece of ****?! That's ridiculous! It pisses me off! He doesn't deserve it! (She pauses, breathing heavily. Then she looks up at the camera, murder in her eyes.) I'm going to get that idol. One way or another. Chris never said that there were any rules against prying the idol finger-by-finger from someone's cold, dead hands. Hopefully Tyler will cooperate. **

**End of Confessionals**

DJ: Mmm… (He slowly, peacefully opens his eyes, and is greeted by warm daylight. The brick house sits up, before throwing his hands up in the air as he stretches. Yawning with content, he slowly stands up, and cracks his neck.)

DJ: Ahh… I tell ya, Al. I slept like I baby last night! My dreams were filled with nothing but unicorns playing saxophones. I think it might've had to do with the mattress. It was just so comfy, for some reason! (He looks around.) Al? Where are you? Are you alive? (Suddenly, he feels something stuck to his back. Reaching around behind him, DJ slowly peels it off, and looks at it. He screams when he sees that it's Alejandro, flattened like a piece of cardboard.)

Alejandro: Uggh… that is because _I _was your mattress, _mi amigo grande_.

DJ: Oh no! You mean to tell me I was sleeping on top of you all of last night? Why didn't you tell me earlier?

Alejandro: I didn't want to interrupt the purity of your slumber. Besides, it is no great issue. Ever since my plastic surgery, my body has been able to withstand great amounts of pressure and still be able to repair itself. Observe. (He jumps out of DJ's hands, and lands on the ground, his body laying flat like a blanket. With a grunt, his body slowly starts folding upwards like a tortilla, into the shape of a burrito. The burrito then closes in on itself. Two bumps form on either side of the burrito, along with two bumps on the bottom. Slowly, these bumps grow longer, forming arms and legs. The burrito has now transformed into a doughy, headless body. Finally, Alejandro's head rises up from within the body, and his form grows tighter and more muscular. He lets loose a sigh.)

Alejandro: Ahh… all better. (DJ, who has been watching all of this, stares at him.)

DJ: I… I don't know whether to be impressed, or scared out of my mind.

Alejandro: You can be both, _mi amigo_. You can be both.

DJ: Can… can I have a hug?

Alejandro: Of course you can. (He reaches forward and hugs DJ warmly. Suddenly, they hear the flash of a camera, and Alejandro whips around in surprise. There, standing behind them, is Izzy, holding a digital camera and grinning.)

Izzy: Perfect! Another post to add to my AlejandroxDJ blog.

Alejandro: What?! What are you talking about, you lunatic?

Izzy: AlejandroxDJ is one of the biggest shipping couples on the web! Look, this post I just made already has sixty-one likes. All from Sierra. Ooo! And one from some guy names "Jose".

Alejandro: Jose?! Jose is seeing this? NOOOOO! (He falls to the ground and throws his hands up to the sky in agony.)

Izzy: Why do you care so much about Jose? Is he your secret lover?

Alejandro: No! He is my brother. And ever since I was born, he's always been better at EVERYTHING than me!

DJ: Oh, come on, Al. That's got to be an exaggeration.

Alejandro: Oh really? Care for a few examples? It began at the very beginning. When my mom gave birth to Jose, it took exactly five minutes, and it was the most painless birth you could possibly experience. She did not feel a thing. Plus, instead of screaming like a normal baby, Jose was singing in the most heavenly voice my family had ever heard. When my mom gave birth to _me_, it took five weeks, all of which she spent in intense agony. And when I finally did come out of the womb, I came out like a rocket and slammed into my grandma's face, giving her a concussion.

DJ: Okay, but that's not—

Alejandro: On the way back from the hospital, Jose drove the car home while my parents sat in the backseat. They thought it was a miracle. They tried the same thing with me. I got us into a car accident that killed half of my entire family.

DJ: I don't think that actually happene—

Alejandro: Jose's first sentence as a baby was not a sentence but the entire prologue to "Canterbury Tales" by Geoffrey Chaucer. My first sentence as a baby was "Me like tacos"! (Alejandro is starting to breathe harder and harder, and getting redder and redder in the face.)

DJ: Alejandro! Calm down!

Izzy (eating popcorn and grinning): No way! This is great entertainment! Keep going!

Alejandro: Jose was able to walk by the time he was one day old. By the time he was one week old, he could ride a bike. By the time he was one month old, he had started his own law firm. I could not walk until I was three, at which point I fell flat on my face and disfigured it so badly that I was forced to get my first plastic surgery. It cost my family millions of dollars, and forced us to move out of our home and live in a dirt hut for the next year. However, Jose's law firm struck it rich, and we got to move into a huge mansion. That is, until the next day, I accidentally set it on fire, destroying the entire thing. Jose responded by building it again with only a hammer, some paint, and a box of toothpicks.

DJ: That didn't happen, Al.

Alejandro: Yes it did! Skip forward to high school. First of all, sports. Jose was captain of the football team, basketball team, swimming team, volleyball team, lacrosse team, dance team, and whatever other team there was. The first time I tried to kick a soccer ball, and I kicked it right into the coach's face, killing him instantly.

Izzy: Ha! That's hilarious!

Alejandro: And don't even get me started on friends. Everybody wanted to sit at Jose's lunch table. There were at least five casualties every day in the brawl for a seat next to him. Everyone loved him like a god. He was our class president. He was chosen as our valedictorian. He was voted both prom king _and _prom queen. Meanwhile, the only vote that I ever won was in the yearbook, for the category "Most Likely to Come Out of the Closet". My only friend was my mom, who made sure to tell me that she loved Jose more than me at least twice a day. The only people that liked me more than Jose were the pedophiles who parked their white vans outside the school everyday. (He shudders.) But worst of all, during all of this, Jose always let me know that I would never amount to anything. That I would never be the man he was! That I would always just be… _Al_. (He spits the name.) To this day, I can never truly sleep at night. Jose haunts my dreams. (He takes a deep breath.) And that is why I hate Jose. (He sighs.) I'm sorry I had to tell you guys that. But I needed to get it out.

Izzy: You should seriously make that into a motion picture. I would laugh my ass off.

Alejandro: It is not funny, Izzy! It is the story of a traumatizing childhood! And now that Jose has seen that picture of me and DJ, he is sure to just add to that trauma!

Izzy: Well, at least you achieved what everyone said you could. You came out of the closet!

Alejandro: But I'm not gay!

Izzy: Ha ha… sure you aren't, Al, sure you aren't. (Alejandro just scowls. Meanwhile, DJ is staring at Alejandro in shock.)

DJ: Wow. So all that happened to you? I had no idea, Alejandro. (Alejandro sighs.)

Alejandro: Well, it is no matter. I believe Jose is finally out of my life. He left long ago for a trip to Antarctica, where they were going to harvest his, um… sperm. Supposedly it can cure a certain kind of cancer. Anyways, I have not seen him in over a year.

DJ: Well, that's good. (He pauses.) Really? His sperm can cure cancer?

Alejandro: *sigh*… Yes. You want Gary Stu, look no further than Jose. That is the whole reason I've always wanted to win this show. So I can prove to him he's not the only one that can achieve something. I have not reached my goal yet, but I believe I may be able to do it this year.

DJ: Um, that's inspirational and all, but actually, I'm pretty you've already won before. Remember? In the Canadian version of Total Drama World Tour, you technically won. That one is considered the official ending.

Alejandro: Yeah, but for the sake of the plot, we're pretending Heather won TDWT. Okay?

DJ: Okay. I guess I must've completely forgotten. I tell you; sometimes it's really hard keeping up with this story.

Alejandro: I know. I know. Especially with the Cheesebub's update pattern. Half the time, even _I _forget what was going in the story! (They pause, staring at each other.)

DJ: Um… what were we talking about?

Alejandro: I have no idea. (Suddenly, Chris's voice crackles over the intercom.)

Chris: Attention, campers. I have an announcement to make. First of all, if you haven't looked at Izzy's "AlejandroxDJ" blog yet, I highly recommend you check it out. It's a great read. Anyways, there is only one hour left to look for the hidden immunity idol, before we head over to the arena for the duel! So if you haven't found the idol yet, now's the time to go apeshit and do whatever you can to find it. I'm sure you won't disappoint, Courtney. Happy hunting! (The intercom shuts off. Alejandro raises his eyebrows, scratching his chin in thought.)

Alejandro: A hidden immunity idol? That sounds quite interesting. What exactly is it? What do you know about this idol, Izzy? What can it do?

Izzy: Oh, I dunno. It's just some dumb thing that makes you "all powerful" or something like that. You can use it to be immune at Tribal Council. I don't really know. I was too busy staring at this HUGE piece of corn that was stuck in Chris's teeth. I was THIS close to taking a jackhammer and shoving it in his mouth just to get it out.

Alejandro: Hmm… all… powerful? I like the sound of that. (He thinks for a second.) I need to go. (With that, he quickly runs off. DJ watches him leave, puzzled.)

DJ: Where do you think he's going? (Izzy shrugs.)

Izzy: Probably somewhere Mexican.

DJ: Izzy! That is so racist!

Izzy: Oh, stop being such momma's boy. Lighten up! (She takes out the Chris Head, and flips it in her hands.)

DJ: Wait a minute… is that the idol?

Izzy: What, this thing? Oh yeah. Yep, this is it. I found it after about ten seconds. (She shrugs, and tosses it into a nearby river. DJ shrieks.)

DJ: Izzy! Why would you do that? That's a very valuable object!

Izzy: It is? Oh well. Can't change the past! (She grins, and takes out two bike helmets.) Now who how about you and I have some fun while we wait for that duel of yours? Want to go for a bike ride?

DJ: Sure! My momma and I used to bike together all the time!

Izzy: This biking is a little different.

DJ: What do you mean by that?

Izzy: You'll see.

**Confession Cam**

**(DJ sits there, in the confessional, completely silent. He is missing his hat. His hair has been entirely blown backwards, and he has scratches from tree branches all over his body. His eyes are bloodshot and watery.) **

**DJ: Well, I saw. (He collapses in the confessional, unconscious. Izzy sticks her head in, grinning.) **

**Izzy: Oh, come on, DJ! It wasn't that bad! **

**(Static)**

**Alejandro: So, I went around the forest, listening to some other conversations. And from what I was able to gather, if you find this "Hidden Immunity Idol", you can play it at the Campfire Ceremony before the marshmallows are passed out to guarantee that you're safe. And I started to think to myself. I thought, "What if **_**Alejandro Burromuerto **_**happens to find the immunity idol?" If I do find it, there's a strong chance I may decide "play" it at the next duel. The question is, how will the power of the idol be modified? Will it give me an automatic victory in the duel? Or perhaps Chris will say that I can just return to the game? The possibilities are truly endless. So I am going to find that idol. (He sighs.) Speaking of idol, did I ever tell you about that time I tried out for my nation's singing competition, "Spanish Idol"? And guess who decided to show up, back from teaching cats how to multiply? That's right, Jose. And you know what happened? Well, first, that bastard decides to—(The camera cuts out.) **

**End of Confessionals **

Katie: Hmm… that Chris Head could seriously be anywhere, when you think about it. But I think I've narrowed it down to being somewhere on this island. (She and Cody are walking through the forest, with Noah trailing along behind them, scowling. Cody, who is staring at Katie's boobs, nods.)

Cody: Totally. You're, like, so smart. I never would've thought of that. (Noah throws in his hands up in disbelief.)

Noah: How is that smart? Of course it's got to be on this island! Where else would it be? (Katie turns around and smiles at Noah.)

Katie: Getting pretty sassy back there, aren't we? If you're so smart, where do _you _think it is, Noah?

Noah: Don't know, don't care. (Katie puts her hands on her hips.)

Katie: You know, Noah, this alliance will never work unless you put in a little more effort. Look at Cody. _He's _putting in effort.

Noah: Yep, kissing your ass for hours on end does require some pretty hard work.

Katie: Cody is just being sweet! He's a _true _gentleman.

Noah: He's just staring at your breasts!

Katie: My word! That's such a crude thing to—(Suddenly, Cody places a hand on Katie's shoulder.)

Cody: Don't worry yourself, babe. The Code-meister will have a little chat with our pal Noah. You go on ahead. (Katie shrugs, and keeps on walking. Cody drops back so that he is now walking alongside Noah.)

Noah: Can I help you?

Cody: Oh, Noah, Noah, Noah… actually I think _I'm _the one that can help _you_.

Noah: I somehow doubt that.

Cody: Oh, but it's true. I see you for who you are. You know, I was once like you. Just entering puberty... not quite sure what he wants to do with himself… and most of all, just like you, I was extremely confused by my insatiable lusts and passions.

Noah: Where the hell are you going with this?

Cody: Your little crush is actually kind of cute, Noah. But you need to understand that Katie just isn't interested. (Noah stares at him for a second.)

Noah: You have got to be joking. You think I _like _her? You think _I _have a crush on _Katie_?

Cody: I don't _think_. I _know_. We _all _know.

Noah: Who exactly is "we"? (Cody ignores him.)

Cody: And I just have to tell you that it isn't happening. Not on my watch. Katie is MINE. You can't take that away from me.

Noah: I'm not into her! Geezus! You have nothing to worry about!

Cody: Stop trying to deny it. We all can see you're smitten. Well, "smitten" wouldn't exactly be the right word. You're actually just a desperate horndog who is dying to get some. And Katie's your next target.

Noah: Once again, who the hell are you referring to when you say "we"? And I'm pretty sure you just described yourself! (Cody pauses, staring at Noah. Then he points at Katie, who is walking in front of them. He beckons to her butt.)

Cody: Look at that butt, Noah.

Noah: I really don't—

Cody: LOOK AT THAT BUTT! Have you ever seen a butt more perfectly sculpted? Each cheek is like its own heavenly deity compacted into a globe of pure beauty. Don't you agree?

Noah: This is starting to get awkward.

Cody: Whatever, Noah. But never before have had I met a butt— er, I mean, girl like Katie. You can't take that away from me. You hear me?! Hands off! (He jams a finger into Noah's chest.)

Noah: Dude! Chill out! The first chance I get, I'm going to high-tail it out of this alliance.

Cody: Good. But if you try anything with Katie… I may just have to bust out my secret weapons. Want to know what they are?

Noah: No.

Cody: I'll show you what they are! (He rips off his shirt, revealing his pale, skinny torso underneath. He puts his hands behind his head, and starts popping his pecks in Noah's direction.) Check out my talented love humps. (Noah stares in disbelief at him, before turning to the camera in exasperation.)

**Confession Cam**

**Noah: Seriously, I'm starting to think this is an episode of Twilight Zone, where everything that can go possibly go wrong is going even worse than I thought it could. First, I get stuck in an alliance with three people I can't stand, including a guy that is probably planning to use the alliance to vote me off. I'm forced to go searching for the idol with two of those alliance members, while watching one of them get brainwashed by the other. And now, that brainwashed alliance member is pissed off at me because he thinks I like the alliance member that brainwashed him, who I actually hate! (He puts his head in his hands.) Sometimes, I start to think that life has a personal vendetta against me. **

**Cody: Yeah, I'd say the Cody-Katie-Noah love triangle is really starting to heat up. I really think it could be as big as the Gwuncan triangle! Wouldn't that be awesome? We'll have fangirls getting into YouTube fights over it and everything! Personally, I'm Team Cody. There's just something about him that seems so genuine. I also think he's just the better match for Katie. And he's really sexy. Much sexier than Noah. **

**End of Confessionals **

Tyler: You're a psycho! Get away from me! (He is sprinting through the woods in fear, as Courtney chases after him, snarling ferociously. Lindsay, meanwhile, is clapping with excitement and laughing as Tyler screams.)

Lindsay: Go Tyler! Woo! You go!

Tyler: Lindsay! Get out of here! It's not safe with this monster on the loose! And I think she wants the D! (Courtney scowls as she runs.)

Courtney: I don't want the D, you dumbass! I want the Chris Head! Hand it over, and nobody gets hurt!

Tyler: Hell no, bitch! You'll have to kill me first!

Courtney: If you insist. (With that, she picks up her pace. They now are slowly going up an incline, as they climb Mt. Wawanakwa. Tyler frantically looks back, and sees Courtney gaining on him. Thinking fast, he grabs a boulder, and hurls it down the mountain at her. Courtney sticks out a fist, and when the boulder slams into it, it shatters into a million pieces. The CIT licks the blood off her knuckles.)

Courtney: That's a warning, Tyler! You saw what my fist did to that boulder! Imagine what it can do to your ass! (Tyler thinks for a second, before screaming and running even faster. He's now reached the top of the mountain, and sees the edge of the cliff before him.)

Tyler: Freedom! Hallelujah! (He starts to make his way forward, but suddenly, he trips on a tree root. He tries to get up, but it's too late. Quick as flash, Courtney throws herself on top of him and grabs his wrists.)

Courtney: I want that idol, Tyler! You give it to me, you lose one testicle. If you don't, you lose both.

Tyler: No way, woman! It's my property! This is rape! RAPE! RA— (Courtney forces his head to the ground, shutting him up. She then leans down and starts whispering in his ear.)

Courtney: They taught us many things when I was a CIT. We learned how to build a fire, how to bandage wounds… they also taught us how to strip a man of his dignity until all that's left of him is a sniveling pile of skin and bones.

Tyler: Why the hell would they teach you that at a camp?!

Courtney: It's an important life skill. Ready to see if they taught me well?

Tyler: No! Please! Have mercy!

Courtney: Then give me the idol. (Tyler finally relents.)

Tyler: Fine. If you want it, you can get it. It's in my pants.

Courtney: And why the hell is it in there?

Tyler: I don't have pockets! Sheesh! (Quick as a flash, Courtney turns him over.)

Courtney: WHERE IN YOUR PANTS? Tell me now!

Tyler: Right there, in the front. You'll have to get it yourself though, seeing as you're currently breaking my arms. (Grinning, Courtney moves her head down to where Tyler's crotch is. She is about to reach her hands inside his waistband, when suddenly, Tyler performs a hip-thrust, making his pelvic area slam into her face. Courtney flies backwards, and lands on the ground in a heap. Tyler laughs, and stands up.)

Tyler: Ha! You forgot to account for my wicked talented groin! Your mistake, my friend. (He strolls away, leaving Courtney lying there, moaning and clutching her forehead in pain. Meanwhile, Alejandro has been watching the entire confrontation from the bushes. He smiles to himself.)

Alejandro: Interesting. Very interesting. (He pauses, and turns to the camera.) Just for clarification, I'm not talking about Tyler's groin. I'm talking about the idol.

**Confession Cam**

**Alejandro: So the idol has already been found. Luckily, it has been found by a guy who's a moron. So I still have a chance. I just need to find a way to get it out of Tyler's pants, and into my hands. (He pauses.) By the way, if you're just tuning in, and you only heard that one sentence, trust me: it's not what it sounds like. Anyways, unlike Courtney, I can't go in with an aggressive outlook. I have to manipulate the idol from him. I have to be diplomatic. Friendly. I have to be your friendly neighborhood Alejandro. **

**Tyler: Man, I'm starting to get scared! Getting ambushed like that… it really starts to make you suspicious of everything. I'm questioning everything now. Like, for instance, why is there air? Seems a little suspicious to me. **

**End of Confessionals **

Tyler: Don't worry, Tyler… there's nothing to be paranoid about… nobody else will even try to mess with you now! They saw the talents of your groin! But still… (Tyler is walking through the forest, glancing around suspiciously. He is clutching the stick idol in his hands. Suddenly, he hears a rustling in the bushes.)

Tyler: WHO'S THAT?! (He frantically points the stick in the direction of the bushes. A voice comes from within the bushes.)

?: Tyler… it is just me! Alejandro!

Tyler: Alejandro? (He stops for a second, and then bursts into tears.) OH NO! YOU GOT TURNED YOU INTO A BUSH!

Alejandro: I am not a bush, amigo! I was simply hiding. (He stands up out of the bushes, brushes himself off, and walks forward to Tyler.)

Tyler: AL! YOU'RE ALIVE! (Sobbing with joy, he runs up to the Hispanic and wraps his arms around his torso tightly. Alejandro tries to break free of the embrace, but that just makes Tyler hold him tighter.)

Tyler: *sniff*… Dude… I missed you, man! It feels like forever since I last saw you!

Alejandro: I know. The time we have been apart has felt like an eternity. But we have very little time. (He lightly but forcefully shoves Tyler off.)

Tyler: Okay, dude. So what did you want to talk about?

Alejandro: I saw how Courtney attacked you, trying to steal that idol. You're in danger. More people are going to come after you. You know it and I know it.

Tyler: Don't worry, Al! I can take anyone on!

Alejandro: Yes, but they will be coming back with numbers. And even a great fighter like you can't take on five people.

Tyler: But… what should I do?

Alejandro: You need to put the idol somewhere that they will not think to look. Somewhere safe. Give the idol to me, Tyler. I will look after it for you. The moment you need it, I will hand it back to you.

Tyler: Are you sure this will work?

Alejandro: I give you the Alejandro guarantee. (He thinks to himself, chuckling.) _That guarantee being that I promise you I will use the idol for myself_.

Tyler: Works for me! (Grinning, he hands Alejandro the stick. Alejandro looks down at the twig in disgust. However, he forces a smile and looks up at Tyler.)

Alejandro: A stick! What a regal instrument this is. I… I am honored, Tyler! But can you give me the idol as well? (Tyler stares at him, confused.)

Tyler: What are you talking about? That _is _the idol!

Alejandro: Wait a minute? (He holds up the stick.) _This _piece of crap is the goddamn idol?

Tyler: I _thought _you said it was a regal instrument, Al!

Alejandro: Um… it is! It most certain is, Tyler. That's not what I meant. (He examines the stick again.) I don't know. I was just expecting something… a little… less terrible.

Tyler: Well, it's the idol. The one and only. (Alejandro nods.)

Alejandro: Very well. I believe you, Tyler. (He holds it up, squinting at it.) I admit, when you squint at it _really _hard, it almost looks like less of a piece of shit.

Tyler: Hell yeah it does!

Alejandro: Yes! This is definitely the idol! (He is now fully convinced.) Well, Tyler, I'd love to stay, but I need to go put this in a safe place. Goodbye!

Tyler: See ya, buddy! Have fun!

Alejandro: Oh, I will. (He then walks away, twiddling the stick in his hands and grinning evilly to himself.)

**Confession Cam**

**Alejandro: Well, that went perfectly. (He takes out the stick, and strokes it lovingly.) With this stick in my hands, I have an immense amount of power. (He sighs with content. He displays the stick in full view for the camera.) Look at it. It is glorious, is it not? This stick is everything I've ever worked for. Finally, the fruits of my labor are paying off! When I play this, nobody will ever ridicule me again! **

**(Static)**

**Chris: This, my friends, is why I love this show. (He bursts out laughing.) **

**End of Confessionals **

Katie: Come on, boys! Let's hurry it up! (She is about fifty yards ahead of Noah and Cody.)

Noah: There really is no point, you know. We're just going in circles!

Cody: Actually, NOAH, we're going in _ovals_. Ovals are very different from circles. You see, while a circle has a single center point and all of its radii are the same length, an oval has four center points with two different lengths of radii. Looks like you need to study up on your geometry, my friend. (He grins at Katie.) See that? I'm much better at geometry than Noah is.

Katie: Do I look like I care? Erm, I mean—that's wonderful, Cody. Why aren't you wearing a shirt, by the way?

Cody: Just thought I'd air out my muscles a little bit. They get tired, you know, from being so big and muscular all the time. I tell ya, it's hard having muscles. You should try it sometime, Noah.

Katie: Hee hee… you're so charming. Which way do you think we should go, Cody?

Cody: I think we should go… (He raises his arms high above his head, making sure to really flex his biceps.) _That way_.

Katie: Sounds wonderful.

Noah: You ask that question every time we come to this intersection, and he always answers in the same way, just so he can show off his non-existent biceps! That's why we're going in circ—OW! (He yells in pain as Cody's elbow slams into his face, as the geek boy puts his arms behind his head and flexes his biceps some more.)

Cody: Ovals, Noah. Ovals. (Suddenly, they see Trent walking down the path towards them.)

Trent: Hey, guys! How goes it?

Noah (sarcastically): So much better, now that you're here.

Trent (not noticing the sarcasm): Thanks! (He walks over to Katie, dusting the dirt off himself.)

Katie: You look like you've been busy. Did you find anything?

Trent: Nope, but I found out something you might want to know.

Katie: Go on.

Trent: Geoff's been going around telling people to vote you off.

Katie: Oh boy. That's what I was expecting. Who else is in on the plan?

Trent: Bridgette and Gwen. That's it, I think. There's only three of them.

Noah: Well, soon to be four. (Katie turns back to him, scowling, with her hands on her hips.)

Katie: Oh really? So what you're saying to me is, right now, you're planning to join that repulsive alliance? You're saying to my face that you plan to vote me off?

Noah: Yep. (Katie starts to stutter.)

Katie: You… you can't do that!

Noah: And why can't I? That alliance has people I like in it. This alliance does not. I think it's pretty simple logic.

Katie: You can't… that's just… (Before she can say anything else, Chris's voice blasts over the intercom.)

Chris: Attention all campers. I need all of the campers' attentions. Attention; that is what I need from you campers. Campers: attention! Attention all campers.

Courtney (from elsewhere in the forest): GET ON WITH IT!

Chris: Sheesh. What happened to YOU? You sound like you just got schooled by Tyler. (He pauses.) Oh wait a minute! That's right! YOU ACTUALLY DID! (Courtney falls silent. Chris continues over the intercom.) Anyways, time's up. Everybody to Redemption Cabin Arena! We've got one steamy duel prepared for you. And a pleasant little surprise in store! I'll see you then! (The intercom shuts off. Trent grins, and claps his hands together.)

Trent: So, are we ready to go? Personally, I can't wait to see Alejandro get his ass handed to… (He trails off as he sees Courtney walking past nearby.) Shit. Guys, I have to go. (He sprints off before Courtney notices him. Katie turns to Noah, scowling.)

Katie: You better not even THINK about talking to Geoff.

Noah: You know what? I really don't think you can threaten me. I'm done with all three of you. I'm joining that alliance. And if I join, you know that Izzy will join too. That's five people now who are all planning to vote for you. Two more votes and you're out of here, Katie. (He starts to walk away, and as he passes by Cody, he pats the nerd on the shoulder.) She's all yours, buddy. (Once Noah has left, Katie stomps over to Cody, fuming.)

Katie: Did you say something to him earlier?!

Cody: No way! I don't know what that was all about. Some dudes just can't stand it when they're bad at geometry, I guess. Speaking of geometry, have I ever told you how you're "acute" girl? (He chuckles.) Get it? Because you're cute, and "acute" is a geometry te—

Katie: Shut up. Just shut your face. Here is what you're going to do. You are going to get Noah back on our side.

Cody: Or what?

Katie: Or, to put in "geometrical" terms, your little line segment will never be part of any equation at all.

Cody: Come on, babe! We don't need him! Not when I've got two other people on my side. (Katie raises an eyebrow.)

Katie: Really? Who?

Cody: Peck number one, and peck number two. (He wiggles his pecks at her. Katie just groans, and puts her head in her hands. She then walks away, leaving Cody wiggling his pecks by himself.)

**Confession Cam**

**Cody: I get it. Some girls get a little flustered when they first meet the peck brothers. **

**Katie: Well, this is looking absolutely terrible. Geoff is actually beating me right now! How is that even possible? At first, I didn't really heed Geoff's threat of taking me down. But now that's he's proven he can play the game… it's time to annihilate him. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Redemption Cabin Coliseum**

Chris: Welcome, folks! Today we've got a very exciting duel planned for you! First of all, I need to clear something up, as this became somewhat of an "issue" during that idol search. Not like I'm complaining. It was fun to watch. Anyways, I might have not stated the rules before, but I'll tell you now. When someone finds the Chris Head, you CANNOT steal it from them. It is officially their property. The only way you can get the idol from them is if that camper willingly gives it to you. We don't promote kleptomania on this show.

Gwen: Yet you promote lying, violence, animal abuse, destruction of nature, sexism, drug use, and putting the lives of innocent teenagers on the line for entertainment.

Chris: Exactly, Gwen. That is what we call "ratings". Look into it. Anyways, let's bring in the competitors for today's duel! First off, the defending champion himself… the man who destroyed the twin towers of nerdiness as he sent both Harold and Beth packing… the man who claims to feel no fear, feel no temptation… and the man who loves poetry and making out with pineapples… ALEJANDRO! (Alejandro walks into the arena, a large grin plastered across his face. As he strolls forward, he walks with the swagger of someone who obviously feels extremely confident. However he fails to notice the "idol" is jutting out in his pants, creating a huge tent formation right where his crotch is. Everyone notices, and starts whispering. Chris jumps back in surprise.)

Chris: Whoa! Is there something in your pants, or are you just happy to see me? (Alejandro looks down, and frantically pushes the stick back into place, so that it is sitting in his pocket, vertical to his leg.)

Alejandro: Sorry about that. (He continues to grin.)

Courtney: Okay, what's with the grin on his face? I can't be the only one who thinks that's a little weird. (Chris looks at Alejandro strangely.)

Chris: Yes. What are you smiling about so much? Or are you just on drugs?

Alejandro: It is none of that, Chris. I am simply feeling better than usual. I believe I'm finally reaping the results of my hard effort to _branch _out. (He grins down at the stick in his pocket.) I'm really starting to learn what happens when you _stick _to it. (He grins down at the stick in his pocket again.)

Chris: Is he making puns? I think he's making puns. Please don't ever try to make a pun again, or I will have to take a roll of duct tape and wrap your face in it. (Alejandro stops smiling.) Thank you. Now, let's welcome today's challenger! Fresh off a break-up with his girlfriend as well as a betrayal by his best friend, it's… DJ! (Nobody arrives.) DJ? You out there? (Slowly, everyone starts to hear the sound of rapidly turning pedals from deep within the forest.)

Bridgette: Could that be him? (Suddenly they hear a loud, girly shriek from inside the forest.)

Geoff: Yep, that's DJ, alright. (Slowly, the noise of pedals gets closer, until suddenly, Izzy and DJ go whizzing through the entrance to the Coliseum, riding on a rickety, wobbly bicycle made entirely out of what looks to be toothbrushes. DJ is sitting on the handlebars and sobbing, while Izzy steers the bike and cackles. Suddenly, the bike comes to a complete halt. DJ goes flying off the handlebars and crashes into the ground some thirty feet ahead, right next to Alejandro. Alejandro gasps, and quickly helps him up.)

Alejandro: DJ! _Mi amigo_! What happened?

DJ: Izzy… bicycle… fun… pain… torture… endless terror… ohh… (With a cry, he faints, and lands on the ground in a crumpled heap, sucking his thumb, his eyes stained with tears.)

Chris: We'll give DJ a minute. (He beckons to the stands.) So, Alejandro, you can see that instead of the usual four spectators, everybody is watching the duel today. That is because today was officially the merge. How does it feel to see these people having made it to such a significant landmark in the game, yet you are here, not a part of them?

Alejandro: You bring up a good point. I am not a part of them. However, I believe that being in Redemption Cabin during the merge has its advantages. Instead of making enemies, you can simply sit back, relax, and watch. You don't have to be a part of the crazy alliance forming—which gives you a great point of view on where _you _want to take your game next.

Chris: Yeah, yeah. Whatever you can say to make yourself feel like less of a loser. Okay, let's get to the duel. But first, the surprise!

Ezekiel: Ooo! I love surprises, eh! Is it a potato?

Chris: No, Ezekiel, it is not a potato. We know how you guys might be feeling a little homesick… I know I am.

Noah: I thought you were a hobo who lives on this island year-round.

Chris: Yes, but I still miss my family. And I'm sure you guys do, too. So today, we're bringing a little bit of that family here to you. You each will be getting a visit from a loved one! (Everyone bursts into cheers.)

Ezekiel: Can my loved one be a potato?

Chris: No, Ezekiel. We're doing it based on the sheet we gave you at the beginning of the season, where we asked you to fill out who you wanted to visit you if you made it to this point. If you ate it or something, that's your fault.

Ezekiel: But I wasn't there for the first four episodes! So I never filled oot that sheet, eh!

Chris: Yeah, we know. So we just picked someone random from your family. The first person we could find that hadn't been run over by a tractor or mauled by a moose. Trust us, it took some searching. Literally everyone in your family has been either run over by a tractor or mauled by a moose!

Ezekiel: I know. And I hope to carry the family tradition, eh. (He places a hand proudly on his heart, tears welling in his eyes.)

Chris: This is why it's not a good idea to be raised on a prairie, folks. Anyways, as for the rest of you, if you wrote someone down but they couldn't attend, either due to prior commitments or just not liking you, we also just picked someone random as your loved one. Same goes for if you wrote "nobody" as your answer. (Noah snaps his fingers in disappointment.)

Chris: So, for today's schedule: your loved one will arrive. Then you will compete alongside that said loved one in both a reward challenge and an immunity challenge. The person that wins immunity will be safe from the vote at tonight's Campfire Ceremony. Sound spiffy?

Alejandro: But what about DJ and me? Do we get loved ones, too?

Chris: Of course you do! In fact, in this duel, you and your loved one will be competing together as partners! (Alejandro claps his hands in joy.)

Alejandro: Oh boy! Nothing is more important to the Alejandro than his _familia_. I cannot wait! Is it _mi madre_? Or perhaps my beloved grandpa, Sir Ignacio Pedro Scutaro III. Or maybe—

Chris: Hold your donkeys, buddy! Let's start off with DJ's family member. I think you all know who's coming. That's right! The one… the only… MOMMA DJ! (Momma DJ walks in through the entrance, her purse slung over her shoulder. She waits for a moment, before scowling.)

Momma DJ: Are you fools gonna applaud or what? (Everyone quickly starts clapping, in fear of the large woman. Grinning sleazily, Chris walks over to Momma DJ and puts an arm around her.)

Chris: Ah, Margaret. It's so good to see you.

Momma DJ: It sure as hell aint good to see you! You need to shave that ridiculous five o'clock shadow, Mclean!

Chris: Still with your quick tongue, I see. You know, you really look like you haven't aged a day. You're still as beautiful as when I first—(Momma DJ smacks him across the face with her purse, making him stumble backwards.)

Momma DJ: Don't even try. It wasn't gonna happen in 1989, Christopher, and it sure as hell aint happenin' now! (Chris sighs, rubbing the red mark on his face.)

Chris: It was worth a shot. (Alejandro walks up to Momma DJ and stands before her, smiling. He takes her hand, and plants a kiss upon it.)

Alejandro: Ah, so you must be the wonderful mother that DJ speaks so fondly of. I've been dying to meet you. My name is Alejandro Burro—(He is cut off Momma DJ slams her purse down onto his skull, crushing his head and making collapse in the dirt.)

Momma DJ: GET OUTTA MY FACE! Do I look like I give a shit about yo' name? (She looks around suspiciously.) Now where's my baby boy? All I see is white people! (She beckons to the stands.) It's like a frickin' mayonnaise festival up in here! Where's my black sugar? Is he all right? (She turns, and gasps when she sees DJ on the ground, unconscious. She races over to her son, and kneels down by his side in concern. Then she turns back to Chris, enraged.) CHRISTOPHER! WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING TO HIM?!

Chris (throwing his hands up in defense): Hey, that one wasn't even me. I had nothing to do with that.

Momma DJ: But you obviously haven't been feeding him. Look at him! He's f**king twig! (Alejandro giggles mightily at this, glancing down at the stick in his pocket. Everyone stares at him. The Latino coughs awkwardly, before walking up behind DJ's mother and placing a comforting hand on her shoulder.)

Alejandro: Er… do not worry. I believe he will be just fine. Your son is an admirable boy, by the way. You truly have raised him we—(Momma DJ's purse slams into his head again, knocking him to the ground once more.)

Momma DJ: I SAID GET OUTTA MY FACE! (She goes back to looking down at DJ sadly.) Oh, Devon Joseph…. Momma's here for you!

Chris: All right. I think we're all now very well acquainted with Momma DJ and her purse. Alejandro, are you ready for your special family member? (Alejandro jumps up from the ground in excitement.)

Alejandro: I have never been more ready! So is it my dear sweet madre? Oh, how I have missed her loving touc—

Chris: Nope! Your mom couldn't arrive. Actually, I'm pretty sure she didn't have any plans. I guess she just didn't want to see you. (Alejandro sighs, and slumps his shoulders. Then he perks up again.)

Alejandro: Perhaps my grandpa?

Chris: Nope. Someone even better.

Alejandro: Even better?! Even better than that? Who could it be? Who could it be? (He jumps up and down, shaking in anticipation.)

Chris: You know what? I'll just let them make their own entrance. Hit it! (He claps his hands, and suddenly, the single strum of a guitar rings out through the air. Alejandro's smile slowly shrinks, as his eyes widen in a look of pure terror.)

Alejandro: No.

Chris (his eyes glinting evilly): Oh, yes. (The strumming of the guitar slowly picks up. It is now being played at a rapid pace, like from a Spanish chase scene. The music slowly reaches its climax, until it suddenly stops. With a clap of thunder, the clouds part, and single stream of light shoots downwards and hits the ground. Slowly, a figure riding what appears to be a giant dove descends from the heavens. Along with it, the sound of gospel music fills the air. All the girls and Ezekiel are spellbound. Ezekiel even wipes away a few tears.)

Ezekiel: The… the beauty… WHO IS THIS WONDERFUL MAN?! (As the dove gets closer to the ground, it is revealed that the man has two extremely attractive women to either side of him, kissing his chest and licking his neck. However, he suddenly tosses them off to the side, and with a cry, lunges off the back of the dove. He performs a triple flip as he falls, before landing perfectly on one foot. The ground where he touched down instantly turns to solid gold. Alejandro, meanwhile, has dropped to his knees.)

Alejandro: No. This can't be. NOOOO! (He is cut off as a giant bird dropping splats down on top of him, pinning him to the ground. The man now standing in the arena looks to be about Alejandro's age, if not a bit older. However, he is much more attractive, with deep, dark eyes and striking eyebrows. He cracks his neck, and shakes out his long, flowing brown locks. Then he smiles at the audience.)

Man: Hello. Perhaps I should properly introduce myself. (He turns to Alejandro, who is struggling to get up from the pile of bird poop he's covered in.) This is my dear brother, Alejandro. Perhaps he has talked about me?

Courtney (her eyes dazed over): Who's Alejandro?

Trent (his eyes dazed over as well): Yeah. Never heard of him. (The man chuckles.)

Man: Well, either way, I should introduce myself. (He bows down in front of the stands, smirking to himself.) Jose Burromuerto. At your service.

**Ohhhh shit! Things are about to get real! **

**What will Alejandro's far superior brother have in store for us? **

**What about Alejandro's "idol"? Will he be stupid enough to play it? And if he does, just how humiliated will he be? **

**Will Momma DJ ever give me a chance to show her my loving? Ow! (Chris rubs the spot where her purse hits him again.) **

**Who will win the duel? **

**Who will be the loved ones to arrive? **

**Who will prevail in the alliance sweepstakes? Geoff or Katie? **

**How many more "who's" can I use? **

**Can Chef actually get away with an illegal alliance this time? **

**And will I ever get back on the dating scene?**

**See it all and more, right here! **

**On another chapter that takes forever to update of**

**Total Drama Returns! **

**NEXT TIME: **The family members include an overbearing parent, a psychotic grandma, a homeless guy who seemingly has no relation to anybody, and even a couple of eliminated contestants! It's sure to be a wild good time of family fun!


	41. Day 13 Part 2: A Complex Al-gorithm

**Total Drama Returns**

**The Cheesebub's Message: **How's it going, friends? Another new chapter! Are you guys excited-okay fine, I'll address the obvious. Yes, this has been the longest hiatus yet. (NEW RECORD WOOT WOOT!) No, I am not dead. No, I haven't lost inspiration. To put it simply, I'm just… lazy? Well, yes and no. I really haven't had a lot of time to work on this since the school year started. But I'm done using that as an excuse. From now on, I will devote ALL of my free time to writing this story. I can't believe I just said that. F**k. Anyways, this chapter is so long that I don't even want to tell you the word count. Funny thing is, this episode is going to need four chapters to finish. The duel was a LOT longer than I originally anticipated. Anyway, I will get one, if not both, of the next two chapters out within the following month. Believe it. (Not like you have any reason to). BTW, I sent all the people who reviewed a PM with my response before I posted this. If you haven't gotten it, let me know. After all, I know how much you guys love me going through each thing you said and agreeing about how awesome my story is. (That was sarcasm). Okay, let's get on with this bad boy. First, my responses to the guest reviews:

**Cra-cat-izz—**Thanks! Momma DJ would approve as well. Also, I'm glad you like the way I portray the characters!

**The house master—**We'll see what Al does with the stick. And yeah, Ezekiel and Chef is a weird duo- but you can't deny the chemistry, right? Hope you enjoy the chapter! Thanks for the review!

**RG—**Glad you're excited for the duels. Your ideas were very interesting, although I didn't quite understand them. Thanks for the review!

**TheSharpieQueen—**I'm glad you love the story! I'm happy you find Katie and Trent as villains to be entertaining. I'm happy you like Nizzy. Your idea sounds very fun to write; I'll definitely consider it. Thanks for reviewing!

**Dave—**That's, uhh… great? It's just unfortunate that it's going to take me a decade to get there. Thanks for the review!

**Guest—**We'll see what happens. Thanks for the review!

**RandomGuy—**Please, don't say that! This story isn't dying. It was just in a coma for a bit. But it's back- and I plan to get some consistent updates going, starting with this one. I'm glad you love this story though! Thanks for the review!

* * *

_**[The following is a chronological list of what previously happened on the show, to rekindle your memory. Enjoy.]**_

_**1. Lots of dramatic stuff happened. **_

_**2. Jose arrived. He's sexy, blah blah blah. **_

_**3. The author became a lazy jackass and forgot how to write. **_

_**4. If you can call it writing. **_

_**5. You really can't. **_

_**6. It's script fic, for god's sake. **_

_**7. But the author is a lazy jackass, so what can you expect? **_

_**8. This really has no reason being a numerical list. **_

_**9. Yet the author's a lazy jackass, so he's too lazy to change it. **_

_**10. Yet he wasn't too lazy to write that sentence. And this one, for that matter. **_

_**11. This is now just awkward. **_

_**12. I'm never going to try to do this again. **_

_**13. Potatoes. **_

_**[Now enjoy the show!]**_

**Day 13 Part 2—Chapter 41: A Complex Al-gorithm**

**Redemption Coliseum**

(It has now been thirty minutes since Jose arrived. Since then, he has been telling the audience about himself and his adventures as they listen in full captivation. The handsome Spaniard now sits in a plush, leather chair; with a tall, busty blonde woman sitting in his lap. Alejandro, meanwhile, has cleaned himself off, and is leaning against a wall, pouting.)

Jose: …So, after three years of being president of Mexico, I was finally impeached. (Courtney gasps.)

Courtney: Huh? That's heresy!

Ezekiel: Yeah! Why would they impeach a man as perfect and delicious as you are, eh?

Jose: Actually, it's funny you would mention that. Because that was the exact reason for my impeachment. I was impeached for being too perfect. It was making everyone uncomfortable. (He chuckles.) Oh well. Perfection has its disadvantages. I guess that's the moral of my story. (He thinks for a second.) I think that about sums it up. That, my friends, is the story of my life up to this point. (He checks his watch, which is made out of pure gold. He gasps, and shoves the blonde woman off to the side, before standing up.) My! Where did the time go? I can't believe it took me seven months to tell you my life story! Usually it only takes six. (He sighs.) I hope I didn't bore you guys too much. (He looks over at the audience, and sees that they're all staring at him like one would stare at a god. Chris finally breaks the silence.)

Chris: I don't know about the rest of you, but I kind of feel like my whole life is a worthless, empty void now. (Everyone slowly nods in agreement, still in awe of the handsome Latino. Jose chuckles, and places a calming hand on Chris's shoulders.)

Jose: Not to worry, Chris. Even the sad, pathetic lives of leeches on society like yourself have _some_ meaning.

Chris: Thanks! (He lets out a low whistle.) Damn. He's so attractive, I don't even care that he just blatantly insulted me! (Alejandro rolls his eyes at this, still standing off to the side. Ezekiel, meanwhile, turns to Geoff.)

Ezekiel: Woo'w. That Jose guy sure has one heck of a story, doesn't he? What was your favorite part, eh?

Geoff: Dude… it's gotta be when he went skinny dipping in an active volcano!

Ezekiel: Oh yeah! And then the volcano started choking, so he performed the Heimlich maneuver on it, saving its life! That one was a good one. But my favorite part has got to be when he built his own time machine, and traveled back in time so he could go clubbing with Abraham Lincoln! Remember that part, eh? And then he wrote Lincoln's Gettysburg address for him while completely drunk! And today it's revered as one of the greatest speeches of all time! (Tyler laughs.)

Tyler: Classic, brah. But my favorite part was when he joined Major League Baseball, having never even played before! And then he posted a .479 batting average, 188 homers, 555 RBIs, and 34 touchdowns, all in one season, while playing every position for his team and using his junk as a baseball bat! (Cody taps his chin.)

Cody: But wait… isn't a touchdown for football?

Tyler: Usually that's the case. But I looked at his stats online, and it definitely says touchdowns. I guess Jose was just that good at sports! (Geoff suddenly speaks up again after thinking for a bit.)

Geoff: Wait! I've changed my mind! I have a new favorite part! I liked the part where he ejaculated onto a piece of paper, and it became a best-selling novel!

Ezekiel: You're right! That part was awesome! Say, I was thinking of buying that novel, noo' that you mention it. (He calls out to Jose.) Hey Jose! Where can we buy your book, eh? Walmart, perhaps? That place is my chillaxin' pad, homie. They got them great deals like four premium dinner mats for just 9.99! There's no place that combines both quality and price in their store items like Walmart does. It truly is a shopper's paradise. And they've got that guaranteed low price, or your money back! Now that's pretty chill, if I say so myself. Come on over to Walmart, and be prepared for a great shopping experience. (He turns to Chris.) How was that, eh?

Chris (wiping a tear away from his eye): Perfect, my son. I have taught you well in the ways of product placement.

Jose: My book, you say? I would love to give you a copy. But unfortunately, it is no longer available. (He sighs.) It was destroyed in a book-burning, for being too enthralling of a read. But perhaps I will come to Walmart sometime. I already own the company, so it probably wouldn't hurt to check up on one of the stores. (He smiles at he audience.) So, now that I'm done talking, do any of you have any questions about me? I promise I will answer all of them. (Izzy raises her hand.)

Izzy: How much do you think your body would sell on the black market?

Jose: Yeah… except for that question. (Izzy snaps her fingers in disappointment. Bridgette, meanwhile, crosses her arms from the stands.)

Bridgette: Yeah, I have a question. Do you really believe your own BS?

Jose: Huh? What do you mean? (His brow furrows in confusion.)

Bridgette: Anybody can say they did all those things. How do we know you're not lying? (Before Jose can answer, a loud, ferocious roar rings across the air. Everyone falls silent.)

Trent: W-what… what was that?

Chris: Well, Trent, it could be one of two things… a wild animal, or my mom after finding out that I didn't renew her Jerry Springer monthly subscription. (He swallows nervously.) Let's pray for the former. (Suddenly, a large, muscular mountain lion bursts into the arena, snarling. Everyone screams and ducks under the seats.)

Chris (wiping the sweat away from his forehead): Whew! Thank god. (The mountain lion turns to Chris, and roars, making his wig go flying off of his head. The host screams and quickly grabs the hairpiece, before putting it on his head and backing into a corner, trembling. The mountain lion starts to creep towards him, flashing its teeth. Chris starts to sweat, eyeing the mountain lion in fear.)

Chris: Heh heh… nice kitty… (The mountain lion continues to creep forward, slowly arching its spine as it prepares to pounce. Chris drops to his knees, pleading miserably.) PLEASE! You have the wrong guy! I'm not a dog person, despite what the bio on my website says! I LOVE cats! The offensive comments I made in those Meow Mix commercials were simply due to the result of alcohol! (This just makes the mountain lion even angrier, and it gets up on its hind legs. Chris squeals, and starts to sob in terror. Suddenly, Jose calls out to the mountain lion.)

Jose: Stay away from that metrosexual man, you disgrace to felines! Or you will have to deal with ME! (The mountain lion whips around to face him. It roars at the Latino. Then it starts sprinting towards him. Jose rips off his shirt, and gets in a ready position as the animal gets closer and closer. Just as the jungle cat is about to attack him, Jose reaches forward and thrusts his hand into the mountain lion's chest. With a cry, he pulls out its still-beating heart. The body organ pulsates in Jose's hand, dripping with blood. The mountain lion looks down at the gaping hole in his chest in surprise. Jose waves the heart above his head, smiling at the cat.)

Jose: Here, boy… here boy! You want the heart? You want the heart? (The mountain lion drops down in a begging position, grinning goofily with its tongue hanging out. Jose rears his arm back.) Well then GO GET IT! (With that, he tosses the heart over the wall of the arena, and deep into the forest. The mountain lion whips around and goes bounding after it, clearing a hole straight through the wall.)

Jose (wiping his hands off): There. That takes care of that. (He then turns to grin at Bridgette.) Would that be a sufficient answer to your question? (Bridgette now has a lackadaisical grin on her face.)

Bridgette: Hee hee… you're hot. (Jose nods.)

Jose: Thank you. And you're not half bad, either.

Bridgette: Really? You really think so?

Jose: Of course! I mean, you are not nearly as hot as I am, but you are almost good-looking enough for me to be able to be seen in public with you. (Jose pauses, and scans her eyes over her.) Big emphasis on the almost. (The Spanish teen then winks at her. Bridgette faints with joy.)

**Confession Cam**

**Bridgette (scowling): Damn it! What happened back there? It was like I was put into a trance or something! In that moment, you do not know how badly I wanted to grab Jose's pants and rip them off. I don't even know why! But now that I have my head straight again and I can truly think about it, I can see that Jose is overrated. I mean, so what if he can rip out a mountain lion's heart with his bare hands? A lot of people can do that! Isn't that what the Native Americans used to do? And, mind you, he's not even that attractive! (She pauses.) Do you think he's single? **

**Geoff: Man, it sucks seeing Bridgette fawning all over Jose like that! It really makes me sad, you know? I mean, Jose should be paying attention to **_**me**_**! (He catches himself.) I mean, Bridgette! Bridgette should be paying attention to me. Heh heh. Just a slip of the tongue, you know what I'm saying? (He pauses.) Do you think Jose is single? **

**Jose: Ahh… people. So easy to manipulate. Now that I have these idiots on my side, I can use them to destroy my brother from the inside out. If all goes according to plan, I won't even have to lift a finger. He'll simply be humiliating himself. And all of Canada will be watching. Well, the Canadians that have TVs. There aren't that many of them, to be honest. **

**End of Confessionals **

Chris: Well, I think I speak for everyone when I say that it truly is an honor to meet you, Jose. And, uh… thanks for saving my life. (Jose shrugs.)

Jose: It really is no big deal. I'm just a normal guy who is the second coming of Christ, that's all.

Chris: And you're so humble, too!

Alejandro: How the hell is that humble? (Jose turns to face him, and smiles.)

Jose: Ah! I was wondering where you were. What are you doing over there, my beloved brother? Why are you not with the rest of the group? Come give me a hug! (Alejandro slowly, reluctantly, walks over to Jose, and holds out his arms. Jose embraces him tightly.)

Jose: Oh, brother… how I have missed you so.

Everyone: Aww… (Courtney nudges Trent.)

Courtney: Would you look at that? Jose is so generous, too! Look at him, giving a hug to someone so less handsome, talented, and intelligent than he is.

Trent (angrily): I know. (He crosses his arms.) What did Alejandro do to deserve a hug that I didn't? (He says this with a sharp twinge in his voice. Courtney looks at him in surprise, before laughing.)

Courtney: Looks like somebody's a little _jealous_.

Trent: I'm not jealous! It's just… those arms… those strong, tan arms… (He slaps himself.) Don't let him turn you gay, Trent, don't let him turn you gay! (Jose, meanwhile, continues to embrace Alejandro. Slowly, the superior sibling moves his head forward, so that his mouth is right next to Alejandro's ear.)

Jose (whispering): Well, well, well. We meet again.

Alejandro (trembling): How… how did you find me? (Jose lets out a small, evil laugh.)

Jose: You are so delusional. Running away from home, to go start a life of pointless reality television… Did you really think you could escape me? Did you really think you could just disappear, and I wouldn't know where you went? (He shakes his head.) You will never escape me, Al. No matter what you do. No matter where you go. I will always be there. Maybe not in person, but in your mind, you will always be thinking of me. (Alejandro starts to speak, but Jose cuts him off.)

Jose: Don't try to deny it. You know it to be true. I've taken over your conscience, Al. You cannot help but think about me. I am a permanent part of you. A scar you can never erase. (His voice gains even more menace.) A secret that you can never hide. I will be everywhere you go. When you wake up in the morning, you will see me. When you sit down for a nap, you will see me. When you are going to bed at night, without a woman beside you, without a purpose, without a single accomplishment in your sad, pathetic life… you know what you will do. You will see me. You are nothing but a ghost, Al. Nobody will ever know who you are. Nobody will ever care. (He breaks free of the embrace, and chuckles at Alejandro, who is extremely pale now.) It's so good to see you, brother. (Chris wipes a tear away from his eye.)

Chris: Ahh… the beauty of family. This is what we're all about here at Total Drama. It's why we decided to have a loved ones visit in the first place. To show the true joy one can experience in the presence of those that love them.

Noah: More like to exploit, destroy, and expose family drama for ratings.

Chris: You know me too well, Noah. Perhaps _we're _family.

Noah: And I've got the noose ready if that ever turns out to be the case.

Chris: That's very hurtful, Noah. (He turns back to Jose.) So Jose, do you have any special talents you could show us? (Jose shrugs.)

Jose: Oh, just a few. Nothing too special. I can do a cartwheel, play the piano… I can also choose to make anyone I want have a violent, involuntary orgasm just by snapping my fingers. Would you like a demonstration? (Everyone nods eagerly.)

Izzy: Try it on Alejandro! He's looking pretty sad. You should cheer him up! (Jose smiles, and turns to his brother. Alejandro immediately starts trembling in fear, and drops to his knees.)

Alejandro: No! Please! Have mercy! I beg of you! Not again!

Jose: Sorry, Al. But the crowd wants a show. (With that, he dramatically raises a single hand up to the sky, and snaps his fingers. The sound echoes around the arena, and everyone falls silent. Alejandro closes his eyes tightly and clenches his teeth in anticipation. However, nothing happens. Alejandro's eyes slowly open, and he relaxes.)

Alejandro: Ha! It seems after many years of your torment, I've finally become immune to your powers! Looks like you no longer can _**SWEET MOTHER OF MEXICAN MANGOES**_! (With a cry, he rockets up into the air, his arms and legs writhing like mad and his hips bucking spastically. Alejandro is suspended in midair for a few seconds, yelling in painful passion. He then falls back to the ground, and lands in a crumpled, defeated heap. Jose turns back to the audience, who immediately burst into wild cheers. Jose nods in acknowledgement.)

Jose: Thank you, thank you! But really, it wasn't me. It was my wonderful volunteer!

Alejandro: I didn't volunteer, you bast—

Jose: Let's give it up for Al! (Everyone fall silent. Alejandro, meanwhile, is gritting his teeth in furious humiliation.)

**Confession Cam**

**Alejandro: You know what? That was when I figured it all out. Why was I just giving in, and letting Jose tease me like that? The only reason Jose wins is because I let him! (He places his hands on his hips.) But I think it is high time Alejandro fought back. Get ready for a whole new ballgame, Jose! (Suddenly Jose sticks his hand through the window and snaps his fingers. Alejandro stares at the camera.) I'm sorry for what you're about to witness. **

**(Static)**

**(Gwen opens the door to the Confessional. She raises an eyebrow when she sees that the toilet is missing. Slowly, she looks up, and sees that the toilet is jammed halfway into the ceiling, dripping water.) **

**Gwen: I don't even want to know. **

**End of Confessionals **

Alejandro: You know, Jose is not the only one with talents.

Katie: Yeah, but he's the only one with any worthwhile ones.

Alejandro: Not true! Alejandro has many talents! Including one that will shock and amaze you. Observe! (He raises his hands up to the sky. Everyone fall silent, as he now has their attention. Alejandro smiles, and dramatically brings his hands together. He then starts sliding one hand over the other, performing the trick where it looks like he is pulling his thumb off of his hand. Everyone boos, except for Lindsay, who screams in horror.)

Lindsay: SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING! THE HORROR! OHMYGOD, THAT IS _SOOOO _GROSS! (She barfs onto Noah's lap.)

Noah (sarcastically): Wonderful. (Alejandro starts to stutter as the catcalls rain down upon him.)

Alejandro: Wait! Stop booing! I can do other things! I can jump rope! I can stand on my hands! I can roll my tongue! WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME? (Jose smiles, and places a hand on Alejandro's shoulder.)

Jose: Because I am here. And when I am here, you are nothing but a shadow. (Alejandro shoves him off in frustration. He then turns to Chris, annoyed.)

Alejandro: Can we just start the challenge already?

Chris: Nobody tells Chris Mclean when it's time to start a challenge! (Jose comes up behind him.)

Jose: It's time to start the challenge.

Chris: And it's time to start the challenge, folks! If DJ and his mom would kindly come over, then we can get started. (Momma DJ slowly helps a dazed and confused DJ off the ground, and walks over, scowling. Jose extends a hand to DJ, smiling.)

Jose: You must be Devon Joseph. It truly is an honor to meet you. (DJ just stares at him, awestruck.)

DJ: Hee hee… you're pretty…

Jose: No, Devon Joseph… _you're _the pretty one. (DJ gasps, and faints like a teenage schoolgirl. Jose then smiles at Momma DJ.) Ah, and who is this gorgeous woman? You must be Momma—(Momma DJ grabs his lips, and pinches them together. She slowly moves forward, so that her face is pressed up against his. She speaks, her voice a deathly whisper.)

Momma DJ: Shut yo' face, white boy.

Jose: But I'm not even white—

Momma DJ: I said, **SHUT YO' FACE**! (Jose stumbles backward, before scowling at her and adjusting his clothing. Alejandro, meanwhile, is grinning from ear to ear.)

Chris: Alright. Let's get to that duel, shall we? Today, you and your loved one will be acting as partners in the challenge. It will require that both of you work together. That is the only way you will succeed. Now, since it's so damn hot out, we thought we'd do a classic partner activity that is often enjoyed in the summer. (He pulls a large, dripping water balloon out of his pants.) Water balloon toss!

Alejandro: NOOOOOOO! (He drops to his knees, sobbing in rage. Chris jumps back in surprise.)

Chris: Whoa! What's with all the emotion, Casablanca? (Alejandro stands back up, and wipes his eyes.)

Alejandro: *sigh*… I am sorry. I just have very bad memories of water balloons. (He scowls over at Jose, who smirks back at him. Alejandro then sighs.) I can remember it like it was just yesterday… (Chris suddenly realizes what is happening.)

Chris: No! No flashb—

**Flashback**

(It is a hot, sunny day in a small suburban neighborhood. The sun beats down upon the pavement, making it sizzle and steam with heat. The air is thick and muggy. A small, eight-year old kid kneels in the middle of the street, playing with an action figure. This child is Alejandro. He is pretending that the action figure is flying, making plane noises, causing flecks of saliva to spray everywhere onto the pavement.)

Alejandro: Burrito Man flies through the air! Here to save the day! But can he do it? He does! Burrito Man has saved the day! (He hugs the action figure to his chest.) You're so awesome, Burrito Man. (Suddenly, a dark shadow appears over the young Alejandro. A cold, menacing voice rings out from behind him.)

Voice: No. You are wrong, little boy. First, there's nothing "awesome" about "Burrito Man". He's simply a manifestation of your own self-loathing, in which you've created an alternate version of yourself that is far more gifted in all aspects of life that you fail to reach the quota in. Second, how, in any way, did he "save the day"? As far as I can tell, you just had him fly around in the air like an idiot. Maybe he saved _your _day, providing a distraction from the fact that you don't have any friends. Isn't that right… _Al_? (Trembling, Alejandro turns around to face the person standing behind him. There, towering above Alejandro, is Jose. The older brother is wearing a perfectly matted suit, and despite the fact that he is supposed to be only nine years old, he is already over six feet tall; with large, bulging muscles and a perfectly trimmed beard.)

Jose: Hello, Al. Pleasure to see you again. (He holds out a hand, waiting for Alejandro to shake it. Instead, the young Alejandro just stares at him in shock.)

Alejandro: Who the hell are you? (Jose glares at him.)

Jose: How could you not recognize me? I am your brother! Jose Burromuerto! (He strikes a pose.)

Alejandro: What… what happened? Why are you wearing a suit? It's over 100 degrees out!

Jose: I do not sweat, brother. Remember? I am far too great to be affected by something as insignificant as "the weather". (He beckons to his attire.) And I decided it was high time I started working to make my appearance more professional. You have to, when you're the CEO of twelve companies. (Alejandro points at Jose's beard.)

Alejandro: But what about the dead raccoon on your face? (Jose scowls.)

Jose: It is not a dead raccoon! It is a _beard_, brother. And the ladies love it. (He grins cockily, stroking his facial hair lovingly.)

Alejandro: Are you sure that isn't roadkill?

Jose: SHUT UP! YOU ARE JUST JEALOUS THAT YOU CANNOT GROW ONE! (He regains his composure.) Anyways, the beard is also part of my… "new look", if you will.

Alejandro: So… why are you here? Do you want to have a turn with Burrito Man? (Jose stares down at Alejandro's toy in disgust. Then he looks back up at Alejandro.)

Jose: _No_, I do not "want" a "turn" with… "Burrito Man". (Alejandro crosses his arms.)

Alejandro: You know, you could've just said no. You didn't have to throw in all the air quotes.

Jose: Well, perhaps if you didn't say stupid things all the time, I wouldn't have to use them! (He groans.) What the hell are you doing, brother? You're eight years old. You're supposed to be a man by now. Yet I come back to visit after three years, and here I see you, playing with dolls!

Alejandro: It's not a doll! It's a—

Jose: It's a doll, you retard. (He thinks for a second.) What did I tell you when I left for America three years ago?

Alejandro: You didn't say anything. You just disappeared.

Jose: Well, that night that I left, while you were sleeping, I went to your bed, and I whispered something in your ear. What did I tell you, Al?

Alejandro: I dunno. That you love me?

Jose: HA! That's a good one. It's good to see you still at least have a sense of humor. No, I told you that you needed to be the man of the house. (He shakes his head.) But you are no man, Al. You live in a world of illusions. You think that by sitting on your ass, you are somehow helping this planet. But you aren't! You need to get your head into the real world! If you want to accomplish something, you have to work for it. You cannot just expect the opportunity to fall into your lap and give you a lap dance. (He pauses.) Look at the bottom of your doll's shoe, Al. Tell me what it says. (Alejandro looks down at the bottom.)

Alejandro: It says… "Made in China". (Jose nods, and pounds his fist into his hand in approval.)

Jose: Yes! Yes it does. And you want to know what they do in China? They have kids your age slaving in factories, working themselves to the brink of death, the skin on their hands peeling off and dripping with blood as they build these toys by the thousands! They never sleep, they never rest. They will probably die at a very young age from the sheer amount of physical labor they are experiencing. (He jabs an accusing finger in Alejandro's direction.) That's what _you _should be doing! By the time I was your age, I had already built my own city, solved World Hunger, and slept with over one thousand women and men all across the country! Yet here you sit. You disgust me. You are a disgrace to the Burromuerto name! (Alejandro is silent for a long time.)

Alejandro: You know, you sound like you could use a burrito. (Jose is about to backslap him across the face, but calms himself. He forces on a warm smile.)

Jose: Never mind all that. I was bit a harsh there. There is certainly some value in using your imagination. (He shakes his head.) No, I did not come here to chastise you. I came here to tell you about my newest business venture. I am sure you are eager to hear about it.

Alejandro: Nope. (Jose's eyelid twitches.)

Jose: Don't be silly. Of course you are. Anyways, just recently I opened a water balloon company. Do you like water balloons, Al?

Alejandro: Nope.

Jose: Don't be silly. Of course you do. All kids love water balloons. It is the perfect way for them to vest their sociopathic tendencies upon each other without killing anyone. Anyways, I have a new prototype that I've been meaning to try out. You see, at my company, before we release a water balloon for sale, we first have to test it to make sure it does its job effectively. Do you like explosions, Al? (This gets Alejandro's attention.)

Alejandro: Kind of.

Jose: Kind of? _Kind of_? Why, explosions are God's gift to mankind! There is nothing more elegant than an explosion. And this newest line of water balloons has been specially designed to pack quite the blast. Would you like to see it in action? (Alejandro nods excitedly.)

Jose: Good. I have set up a testing site a few blocks down the street. If you would follow me, you will get to witness the marvel in its purest form. (Alejandro eagerly gets up, but Jose quickly stops him.)

Jose: Wait. I think we are forgetting someone. (He cocks his head in the direction of Alejandro's action figure.) Don't you think Burrito Man would want to see it as well?

Alejandro: Wow! I totally forgot about him! Thanks, Jose! (He picks up his action figure. Jose smiles.)

Jose: Follow me. (He walks briskly away, with Alejandro following after him.)

Alejandro: Wow! Jose really has changed. He's so nice now.

_**Five minutes later… **_

Alejandro: NO! YOU CAN'T DO THIS! PLEASE! I BEG OF YOU! (He is tied to a tree, and is struggling against the ropes that are binding him. He tries to break free of his restraints, to no avail. Jose, meanwhile, is standing ten yards away, pulling back a slingshot in his hands. Loaded into the slingshot is a water balloon, with Burrito Man strapped to it.)

Jose: This is for your own good, Albert! Because I cannot stand to see you ruining the family name with your immaturity any longer!

Alejandro: You and I both know that's not the reason! You just can't stand to see me happy! You just get off on hurting my feelings! (Jose turns to him, a dark shadow passing over his eyes.)

Jose: It is a mixture of both. (He places his hands on his hips.) But you know what? I have decided to make things fair. I believe that every man deserves a chance. Even a man who is partially a woman, like yourself. (He smiles, and turns to face Alejandro.) You have thirty seconds to stop me. Once the thirty seconds are up, I'm letting go of this slingshot.

Alejandro: Thirty seconds? How am I supposed to escape in thirty seconds?

Jose: Hey, you can do a lot in thirty seconds. I once rode a dolphin across Russia in that amount of time. (He points to the action figure strapped to the balloon.) You should be thanking me! I'm giving you an opportunity to prove yourself! Save Burrito Man, Al. He's counting on you. It's your time to be the hero. (Alejandro gets an excited glint in his eyes.)

Alejandro: My time… to be the hero?

Jose: Yes. Although you really didn't need to repeat what I just said. So, Al, now's your chance. Let's see what you've got. Your time starts now. (Immediately, Alejandro begins doing everything he can to escape. Frantically, he leans down and starts gnawing at the ropes. To his surprise, this strategy works, and he is able to chew a big enough hole to pull apart the rest of the restraints. Alejandro then jumps forward, grinning.)

Alejandro: There! I did it! Now hand Burrito Man over! (Jose's lips curl ever so slightly upwards.)

Jose: Making demands, are we? Well, if you want him so badly…. come and get him from me. (Alejandro pauses for a moment.)

**Confession Cam**

**Alejandro: At that point, I started to have doubts. Could I really take on Jose in a fight? But then I knew what I had to do. I couldn't be afraid! I was done being bullied! It was time to stand up for Burrito Man! (He pauses.) Wait a minute. How the f**k can I be in the Confession Cam if this is a flashb—(The camera cuts out.) **

**End of Confessionals**

Jose: I'm ready when you are, _mi hermano_. (With a yell, Alejandro starts running towards Jose.)

Alejandro: THIS'LL TEACH YOU TO STOP BEING SO ARROGANT! (He lunges at Jose's torso. However, quick as a flash, his brother swerves out of the way. Time seems to slow down as Alejandro slowly turns to look at Jose in surprise as he flies by. Jose slowly waves at him, before swinging his foot upwards and implanting it in Alejandro's crotch. This completely changes Alejandro's momentum, and sends the younger brother rocketing into the air, howling in pain. Alejandro then crashes back down and lands on a dumpster, moaning.)

Jose: And maybe _that _will teach you to stop being such a loser. (He pauses.) Actually, it probably won't. With you, it's an inherent gift. (He chuckles, scanning his eyes over Alejandro's defeated form.) Look at you. You and your testicles did not even stand a chance against the power that is Jose's foot. But not to worry; that kick was not nearly strong enough to make you sterile. Your gonads will come back down from inside your esophagus in a few days. Now, where was I? (He points the slingshot into the air.)

Alejandro: Please… d-don't… (Tears are forming in his eyes.)

Jose: We made a deal, Al. And Jose never goes back on his deals. (With that, he lets go of the slingshot.)

Alejandro: NOOOOOO! (The water balloon rockets up into the air, with Burrito Man strapped to it. Once it reaches the highest point it can reach, it begins to expand. Then, with a monumental groan, the water balloon explodes. The blast of the explosion sends Alejandro flying backwards to the edge of the dumpster. Water sprays everywhere, soaking everything and everyone except for Jose, who somehow stays dry during all of this. There are a few seconds of silence. Then, a severed plastic arm falls to the ground. Slowly, more and more parts of the action figure fall from the sky, hitting the pavement with tiny clicks. Suddenly, something lands right in front of Alejandro. He looks down at it, and sees that it is the head of Burrito Man. Immediately, Alejandro begins sobbing like never before, tears streaming from his eyes like waterfalls. Jose watches with amusement. Suddenly, his watch goes off. He glances down at it.)

Jose: My, look at the time! It's true what they say, I guess. Time flies when you're destroying a childhood. (He walks past the sobbing Alejandro, and ruffles his hair.) See ya in another three years, brother. Always a pleasure ruining your life. (With that, he claps his hands, and a giant, golden dragon bursts out of the concrete, flapping its wings. Jose jumps onto its back, and the two fly off into the distance. Alejandro continues to lay on top the dumpster, curled up in a ball and moaning to himself.)

**Present Day**

Bridgette: Um… is he okay? (She points to Alejandro, who is currently curled up in a ball in the center of the arena, moaning to himself and sucking his thumb.)

Jose: Oh, do not worry. He's just having an anguished flashback. (He swiftly swings his foot to the side, sending Alejandro's body flying off into the bushes.) There. Now he is of no disturbance. Please, Chris, continue. (Chris stares at him dreamily.) Um, Chris?

Chris: Hee hee… I love it when you say my name.

Jose: That's great, but can we please get on with this? I've kind of got a tight schedule. I have to be home by one o'clock so I can finish curing cancer. I want to fit it in before my afternoon jog.

Chris: Can I, perhaps, join you on that jog? (He wiggles his eyebrows at Jose and puts on a sweatband.)

Jose: No.

Chris: Okay then. (He sighs, and puts the sweatband away.) Anyways, here's how the water balloon toss will work.

Momma DJ: I think we all know how goddamn water balloon toss works, fool! Stop speaking just for the sake of hearing your own voice!

Chris: What are you talking about? That's the only reason I ever speak! And some viewers at home may not have access to water, so they wouldn't know what water balloon toss is! Therefore, they'd need an explanation of the challenge! (Lindsay's brow furrows in confusion.)

Lindsay: Wait a minute… I'm really confused right now. Why is there a challenge going on? Is this, like, a Redemption Cabin duel? OMG, it all makes SENSE now!

Chris (beckoning to Lindsay): Or, like Lindsay, you might not have access to a brain.

Noah: That would describe your entire viewership, Chris. You'd have to be an idiot to watch this crap.

Cody: And wait a minute. If a viewer didn't have access to water, why would you think they would have access to a TV to watch your show in the first place?

Chris: I don't know! That's stupid stuff for nerds like you to think about! Now I'm going to explain the challenge, and there's nothing you can do to stop me! (He calms down, straightens himself, and then continues speaking.) So, here's how it will work. You and your partner will start out ten yards away from each other. One of the two of you will toss the water balloon to the other. If that person catches it, they take a step back. Then they throw back to the other person. If that person catches it, they also take a step back. This will continue to go on until one of you fails. The first pair to either drop the water balloon, or have it explode in their hands, loses the duel, and the contestant of the pair will be sent packing. And it could happen almost instantly. One tiny mistake, one slight slip of the hands, and your time in the game could be over. Water balloon toss is truly the ultimate test of reflexes, concentration, and above all else, trust.

Noah: Just like listening to you talk is the ultimate test of patience. (Suddenly, a water balloon smashes into his face, exploding and drenching him.)

Chris: Oh, sorry. My hands slipped. But yeah. Trust is truly the most important part of the game. With water balloon toss, you can't just believe in yourself. You have to believe in your partner, as well. I think it'll be a great bonding experience, and a really fun time, no matter the outcome. Don't you guys agree?

Momma DJ: HELL NO! (Chris turns to face her, shocked.)

Chris: What? Why not, woman?

Momma DJ: I think we all know what you're doin' here, Mclean. You're rigging this competition like the cheater you are! You know we black people hate water! That's why you decided to do water balloon toss!

Chris: You know, not everything has to be a racial issue.

Momma DJ: But that's only the half of it! (She points at DJ, who frowns.) You think this boy has any hand-eye coordination? He's like a Picasso portrait of messed-up body proportions! He's bound to f**k everything up in a matter of seconds! (She smiles at DJ sweetly.) No offense, honey. (DJ shakes his head.)

DJ: No, momma. You're wrong. I can do this. I know I can. (Momma DJ scowls at him.)

Momma DJ: No son of mine is supposed to believe in himself!

DJ: No, Momma! That's not true! I _know_ I can do this. Being in this game… it's taught me so many things. I'm starting understand there's nothing to be afraid of! If you truly put in the effort, anything can be accomplished! (Momma DJ looks at him for a moment.)

Momma DJ: You know what? FINE! Let's do this, then! The sooner we start, the sooner I can take my baby home and spank some sense into him! (Suddenly, Jose takes her hand.)

Jose: I truly admire your ferocity. You excite me. Do I excite you? (Momma DJ responds by grabbing his hand so hard his fingers crack and twist in different directions.)

Momma DJ: You do NOT touch the brown sugar. Or your hand gets crushed. (Jose, nursing his hand, frowns at her.)

Jose: What is wrong with you? I have never met a woman not attracted to me!

Momma DJ: How can I be attracted to you when you're a frickin' _manorexic_? You're too skinny, fool! Put some goddamn meat on those bones!

Jose: How dare you! HOW DARE YOU! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM, BITCH? (Momma DJ's purse slams into Jose's face.)

Momma DJ: To hell I don't! But I _do _know your face is perfect for smashing with my purse!

**Confession Cam**

**Jose: At first, I was angry at DJ's mother for being so rude to me. But now am I quite intrigued. Who is this woman, and why does she not find me perfect? It is simply perplexing! I have never met a woman like this. It's quite exciting. There's only one thing she could be: a goddess. (He sighs, staring off dreamily.) She is perfect, whoever she is. I **_**must**_** have her for my own. **

**DJ: Well, here's my chance. This is the most important moment of my life. I finally have a chance to prove to Momma that I don't need to be protected! (Momma DJ suddenly sticks her head in through the window.) **

**Momma DJ: DEVON JOSEPH! WHAT IN GOD'S NAME DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?! GET OUT OF THIS FILTHY BATHROOM! DO YOU **_**WANT **_**TO GET AIDS?! **

**DJ: AIDS?! NOOOO! I'M TOO YOUNG! (Screaming, he launches himself out the window of the Confessional.) **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: All right! You have five minutes to strategize with your partner on what you want your gameplan for the duel to be. I'll be back in five. (He starts to exit the arena.)

Gwen: And where are _you _going?

Chris: I have no idea. (He exits out of the arena. Meanwhile, in the top row of the stands, Cody and Katie are sitting next to one another, watching the playing field. Cody yawns, and slowly reaches his arm upwards, before extending it outwards and wrapping it around Katie's shoulders. He smiles at her smoothly, and wiggles his eyebrows.)

Cody: What's up? (Katie taps her chin.)

Katie: Hmm… what _is _up? Well, your arm is about to be ripped _up_ out its socket in about five seconds. (Cody retracts his arm. Katie points a few rows down in the bleachers, where Noah is sitting and reading a book.) Look. There's your opportunity.

Cody: For what?

Katie: To get Noah back on our side! (She points again at Noah.) Look at him. He's all by himself. Like a sad little girl, alone at the club. Just waiting to be manipulated. I'm sure you're familiar with that situation.

Cody: But what do expect me to do?

Katie: You say you're you've got the "manly magic", huh? "_The Code-meister"_? Then you should have no problem charming Noah back into our alliance.

Cody: That's not how it works, babe! My powers only work on women! It's not intended for males!

Katie: Oh, come on, Cody. You and I know that your powers _only _work on males. And Noah should be absolutely no problem for you. You already convinced him to make out with you during the Awake-a-thon. (Cody throws his hands up in exasperation.)

Cody: That's not what happened! We were sleeping! I don't even remember it! (He pauses.) However, I _do _happen to remember a significant portion of you and Sadie getting edited out of that episode to adhere to Cartoon Network's censorship guidelines for sexual content.

Katie (turning red): Shut up!

Cody: Say, now that I think about it, you never talk about Sadie anymore. What's up with that? Didn't you guys used to, like, chew and digest each others' food? What happened?

Katie: It doesn't matter! We're getting off topic! (She scowls.) You _better _get Noah back. Or I'm going to vote your ass off. You hear me? I want Noah! NOW! (Cody sighs.)

Cody: I don't get it, babe. Why are you so into him? I mean, if you're at a farmer's market, why would you choose a withered little grapefruit… (He cocks his head towards Noah)… when you can have a big, juicy, succulent, intelligent watermelon? (He grins widely at her, and adjusts his shirt.)

Katie: This isn't about who I like! This is about staying in the game! And besides, you think I'd be interested in dating a guy who makes extremely creepy and arrogant fruit metaphors?

Cody: Um, yeah. My extremely creepy and arrogant fruit metaphors are awesome. (Katie grits her teeth at him.) Fine! Sheesh! I'll talk to the guy. See if I can work my magic.

Katie: Just make sure your "magic" doesn't make him hate us even more. Don't come across as desperate. You have to be friendly to him, but still act cool, calm, and collected. Let him know the benefits of being in our alliance, but don't force it. He'll warm up to you eventually. (Cody grins at her.)

Cody: No problem, woman. I'm on it. (With that, he gets up, confidently takes a step forward, and promptly falls down the entire bleachers, smashing into each set of seats with a cry of pain as he tumbles downwards. He then lands on the ground in a crumpled heap. Katie shakes her head and groans. Slowly, grimacing in pain, Cody drags himself back up to the row where Noah is sitting, and sits down next to the know-it-all. The ladies' man forces a smile.)

Cody: Is it okay if I sit here?

Noah: Why are you asking me that question, if when I say "no", you're just going to sit here anyway? (Cody laughs as if Noah just told a great joke.)

Cody: I'll take that as a "yes".

Noah: How, in any way, shape or form, could you interpret it that way?

Cody: Um… I'll take that as a "yes"? (Noah rolls his eyes, and goes back to reading. Cody sits there awkwardly, not knowing what to do. He glances frantically backwards at Katie.)

Cody (whispering): What do I do now? (Katie crosses her arms.)

Katie: What happened to "I'm on it"? Work your magic! Remember: it's just like picking up a girl! (Cody nods, more confident now. He thinks for a second. Then he smiles at Noah.)

Cody: Are you a terrorist? (Noah glances up at him.)

Noah: No, but thanks for the racial prejudice.

Cody: … Because you're the BOMB. (He winks at Noah. Noah responds by scooting over to the other end of the bleachers. Cody frowns, and scratches his head.) Hm. That's strange. They usually don't start running away until I whip out "There's a party in my pants and you're invited". (Suddenly, he is smacked on the back of the head by Katie.)

Katie: What the f**k was that?!

Cody: You said it was just like picking up a girl! So I used a pickup line!

Katie: I didn't mean it literally! I meant that you have to make him feel comfortable! Turning into a real life NoCo fanfic is not going to make him feel comfortable!

Cody: Comfortable. Got it, babe. (He scoots down after Noah, so that he is once again sitting next to the bookworm, and smiles at him.) Sorry about all that. Will you forgive me?

Noah: No.

Cody: Thanks. I promise it won't happen again. (He nods, and wraps his arm around Noah's shoulders.)

Noah: Please don't do that. (Cody frowns.)

Cody: Why? We're both very straight men, Noah. Can't we feel comfortable expressing intimacy in public without worrying about what other people think?

Noah: No. First of all, you and I may know we're straight, but to the rest of the viewing world, we're just a ticking time bomb of homosexual passion waiting to explode. And second, literally just an hour ago, you were viciously attacking me for "stealing your girl".

Cody: True, but I've had a lot of time to think about all that during the seven months since this story was last updated. And I realized something. Something amazing. Something absolutely philosophical. Enlightening. (Slowly, he leans over and whispers in Noah's ear.) Bros before hoes.

Noah: Seriously? That's what you got from seven long months of deep soul searching? "Bros before hoes"?

Cody: It may be barbarically worded, but I think the sentiment holds some real value. I've spent so long chasing after girls, that I haven't ever realized the deep bond one can share with a man.

Noah: Are you… are you coming out of the closet to me right now?

Cody: No! I'm just saying that I thought it was high time I started cultivating some friendships with the guys. My fraternity! My fellow homo sapiens! Well, minus the homo part.

Noah: I'm sorry, but I don't believe you for one minute. What do you _actually_ want?

Cody: What do _I_ want? There are many things I want, Noah. I guess you can say we all have our certain wants and desires. (He winks at him.) Right now, all I want to do is sit here with you, and enjoy our friendship. As two guys. As bros. Relish this moment in time, you know? We don't get many precious moments like these, where the two of us can just relax, as friends. _Dos amigos_, to quote Alejandro. It's a pretty special feeling, isn't it? Where the boundaries of the game are taken away, and we can just delight in being near one another. It's special, to the say the least. What's your opinion on the matter?

Noah: My opinion is that if it's possible for a monologue to give me a sexually transmitted disease, that one just did. (With that, he scoots down to the other end of the bleachers.)

Cody: Aw, Noah, don't be like that! (He scoots down after him, so that he is right next to the bookworm again. He rubs Noah's thigh comfortingly.) I'm sorry about that. I'll stop making things uncomfortable.

Noah: And yet here you sit, molesting me. (Cody retracts his hand from Noah's thigh.)

Cody: Sorry. (He is silent for a long time.) So, speaking of Alejandro… who are you betting is gonna win the duel? Alejandro or DJ?

Noah: The only thing I'm betting on is that all of these poor attempts at conversation are going to quickly segway into you begging me to rejoin your alliance. (Cody is speechless. Noah smiles.) And not only that. I suspect that Katie found out exactly why I ditched the alliance, and now you have to be the one to bring me back, or you're screwed. Funny, how that works out, huh?

Cody: What? Alliance? Heh heh. No way! If you don't want to be a part of the alliance, that's fine. I get it. I was just trying to be friendly. (They both sit there in silence. Cody suddenly grabs onto Noah's collar, shaking him frantically.) PLEASE?! You have to do this for me, bro! You gotta come back! Katie may never talk to me again if you don't!

Noah: And… there we go. The truth comes out.

Cody: Dude, I'm sorry. But we need you back in the alliance. You're crucial.

Noah: Sure. I'll come back. You'll have to kill me first, but other than that, yeah.

Cody: But then you'll be in the alliance?! Does a dead guy's vote still count?! (His eyes grow wide in excitement.)

Noah: And that response is exactly why I'm not joining. (Cody cringes.)

Cody: Sorry, I didn't mean to say it like that. But you can't win this game without an alliance. And it's not exactly like you have any other offers waiting on the table.

Noah: Gwen, Bridgette, and Geoff, ring a bell?

Cody: Yeah, but have any of them actually talked to you yet? Let's face it, Noah: you're a threat. They could very well be conspiring against you. Besides, they don't understand you like Katie, Trent, and I do. We're like a family, Noah. We care about you. (He nods.) And you know what? You care about us.

Noah: And where are you getting that assumption?

Cody: I can see it in your eyes, Noah. I can see it in your eyes.

Noah: So what you're saying is that you have no grounds for that assumption. (He shakes his head.) It's "no", and that's final. I have no desire to ever be in an alliance with you.

Cody: Ah, but you're forgetting the benefits that come with being in our alliance. (Noah raises an eyebrow.)

Noah: Oh really? (Cody's eyes glint.)

Cody: Yes. There are many benefits in our alliance. That why I like to call it "friends with benefits".

Noah: Please don't call it that.

Cody: Why not? It's an accurate description. Yes, in our alliance, we do things for one another. When you need help, you can look to your alliance-mates to help you. You can trust them.

Noah: Oh really? And what do you think Trent would willingly do for me?

Cody: Trent is actually a very kind and considerate person, despite his sociopathic tendencies. (He beckons to Trent, who is sitting right in front of them, completely oblivious as to what is going on.) Look at him right now! Look how selfless he's being!

Noah: Um, in what way? He's just sitting there. And probably daydreaming about murdering someone.

Cody: Nope! Not at all. Look at the way he has his head positioned. He is obviously offering it to me as a footrest. How considerate, Trent! (Grinning, he props his feet up on top of Trent's head, before exhaling in relaxation.) See? This just shows how much of selfless person Trent—(Suddenly, Trent's grabs both of Cody's ankles and hurls the geek forward. Cody once again slams into each seat as he tumbles down the bleachers, before once again landing in a crumpled heap at the bottom. Trent stands up, and points down at Cody, fuming in rage.)

Trent: DON'T PUT YOUR FEET ON MY AWESOME HAIR, NERDY BOY! OR YOU GET A TASTE OF THE TRENT! (He sits back down, patting his hair back into place. Suddenly, he notices Katie glaring at him, and sees Noah sitting right behind him. His smile quickly falls away.) Oh. Wait. We were supposed to be pretending to like each other? Totally forgot! LOL! (He laughs to himself. Then he takes a deep breath, and slowly, his face grows solemn. He looks down at Cody, a single tear running down his face.) I am sorry, Cody. I should not have done that. I care about you. (He turns back to Katie, and gives her a thumbs up. Katie puts her head in her hands and starts to weep.)

**Confession Cam**

**Trent: Did you see my acting back there? Admittedly, I was taken off guard a bit, but I really think I pulled off both a tender and emotional performance, yet with a hint of rugged angst. It was so good that I made even Katie cry! I am a true thespian. Observe. (He takes a deep breath, and places a hand on his heart. He stares up at the ceiling, his eyes filled with sadness.) **_**To pee or not to pee? That is the question. **_**(He grins at the camera.) Get it? Because it's a famous Shakespeare quote, but we're in the bathroom? Am I right? Man, I am both a thespian **_**and **_**a comedic genius. **

**Katie: Trent is a moron. And I'm screwed. **

**Cody (covered in bandages): I knew coming in that my quest for love would be painful. But does that mean I'm going to give up? No! The pain only makes my desire for love stronger! I am unstoppable! Yes! (He punches upward, and knocks a board loose from the ceiling, which swings down and smacks his face straight into the wall. When he pulls away, his mouth is now gushing blood, and his eyes are spinning in their sockets. He then collapses headfirst in the toilet. Noah opens the door to the bathroom, and sees Cody's defeated form. He turns to the camera.) **

**Noah: And this, my friends, is a good visual representation of what Katie's alliance has become. **

**End of Confessionals**

(Meanwhile, Alejandro is just getting up out of the bushes, brushing leaves out of his hair. Jose waves at him.)

Jose: Ah! There you are. Welcome back! (Alejandro glares at him darkly, and ignores the older brother. Jose quickly walks over to Alejandro, and puts an arm around his shoulder.) So, you heard the man. What should our plan for the duel be?

Alejandro: For you to die.

Jose: I'm afraid I'm not a big fan of that plan. (Alejandro turns to face him.)

Alejandro: Do you know what you did to me that day?! Do you know how much counseling they put me through because of it?!

Jose: Counseling? Because of a shitty piece of plastic? You really should've had your priorities straight.

Alejandro: He was more than just plastic! Burrito Man was like the brother I never had! Because YOU were too much of a jackass to be there for me, I had to rely on him instead!

Jose: Hey, that's not true. Remember that Christmas present I got you?

Alejandro: You gave me a pair of underwear! For three-year-olds!

Jose (raising a finger): Ah! But you are mistaken in your facts. It was not just _any_ old pair of underwear. It was _extra support_ underwear. We all know how you need a little assistance down there. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Alejandro (blushing): Shut up! That's not even true! (He stomps his foot into the ground.) You are the worst brother ever! You—

Jose: I know, I know. I've ruined your life. I have no compassion or soul. I'm a burrito filled with nothing but darkness and evil. You literally tell me this every time you see me. So now that your little angst spewing is over, we need to get down to business. No matter what, we have to win this duel.

Alejandro: I don't get it. Why do you care so much? (Jose pauses, biting his lip.)

Jose: It is a complicated matter. But… I think I am in love. (Alejandro does a double-take.)

Alejandro: What the?! With _who_?

Jose: I do not know her name. But she is perfect. Words cannot describe the beauty that she encompasses. I shall point her out to you, if you like. (He looks around the stadium, until he sees Momma DJ standing nearby. He smiles and points towards her.) There she is. Like an angel on earth. (Alejandro squints his eyes)

Alejandro: Who are you pointing at? I think Momma DJ's blocking her. (Jose gasps.)

Jose: Ah! Momma DJ! So that must be her name. Ah, what an elegant name that is. It simply rolls off my incredibly sexy tongue. (Alejandro slowly comes to the realization of what he means.)

Alejandro: Wait a minute. You're in love with MOMMA DJ?!

Jose: Yes. And she _will _be mine. One way or another. (He pounds his fist into his hand in determination, his eyes glinting mischievously. Alejandro bursts out laughing.)

Alejandro: Whew… this is just too golden. (Jose nods, smiling.)

Jose: I agree. This is a golden opportunity for me to find that special someone I've been searching for!

Alejandro: No, what I mean is that it's golden comedic material. (He laughs some more.) Have you lost your mind? Momma DJ is 50 years old!

Jose (his eyes glazed over dreamily): Mmm… yes. And like a bottle of champagne, she truly has gotten finer with age. (He grabs Alejandro by the shirt collar.) You can laugh all you want, brother. But do NOT screw this up for me. We have to win, so I can prove to Momma DJ I am worthy of her affections.

Alejandro: And what if I do screw up?

Jose: Well, why would you want to do that? After all, then you'll be going home. For once, it seems we have the same ideals. Let's not waste this moment. (With that, he strides away. Alejandro stands there for a moment.)

Alejandro (his eyes flashing): Yes… we really shouldn't.

**Confession Cam**

**Alejandro: So, Jose has just made a very shocking confession to me. Supposedly, he's hot for DJ's mother! He finds her to be the most amazing woman he's ever met! (He shakes his head.) I believe I now finally understand the common use for the term "WTF". Perhaps Jose took one too many purses to the head. But, despite the fact that it really makes no sense, he seems to truly have feelings for that woman. And he believes that by defeating her in the duel, Momma DJ will fall for him as well. And they will live happily ever after. (He groans.) God. Somebody gag me. But Jose has one little problem. That problem being that I **_**really **_**don't want him to succeed in his mission. (He stomps his foot into the floor.) Jose **_**always **_**gets what he wants! **_**Always**_**! So right now, I'm considering throwing the challenge. Now, you must be thinking, wouldn't that be a stupid move? Because wouldn't that just send me home? Ah, but you're forgetting about one key factor. (A sly, cocky grin starts to etch itself onto his face.) Yes, because I have something very powerful in my possession, that will change everything. (He reaches into his pocket.) The one… the only… (He whips out the stick.) HIDDEN IMMUNITY ID—OW! (He screams as he accidentally stabs himself in the eye. When he releases his grip, the stick stays there, jutting out from under his eyelid.) GODDAMIT! F******************K! (He runs around inside the Confessional, yelling in pain. Suddenly, he slams into the wall, making the stick jam itself even farther into his eye. Alejandro then topples backward, and hits his head on the toilet, knocking him unconscious.) **

**(Static)**

**Alejandro: Heh heh… I guess that was… the power of the Idol? **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: Okay! Let's ignore the fact that I've suddenly returned out of nowhere and have everyone get to your ready positions! (The two pairs line up so that they are ten yards apart. Jose and Momma DJ both hold the water balloons in their hands. Jose chuckles when he sees Alejandro, whose eye has swollen up and is streaming tears.)

Jose: My, what happened to you? I haven't seen you cry this much since they ended Go Diego Go! (Everyone laughs.)

Alejandro: I don't want to talk about it. And Go Diego Go? I was barely even upset when that happened! I was quite mature about the whole ordeal, I believe.

Jose: Seriously? "Barely even upset"? I had to spend over a thousand dollars repairing all the pillows that you destroyed! (The laughing gets louder as Alejandro scowls.)

Jose: Yep. And it certainly wasn't fun calling the police when you set yourself on fire and went running through the neighborhood, completely naked, sobbing the "Go Diego Go" theme song. (Everyone continues to laugh uproariously.)

Tyler (laughing loudest of all): HA! It's funny because Alejandro is being publicly humiliated. (Alejandro crosses his arms, chuckling nervously.)

Alejandro: Oh, come on now… what would you expect? I was, like, five at the time!

Jose: If by "five", you mean "fifteen", then yes, you were, "like", five at the time.

Alejandro: Whatever! We all have times where we get a little passionate.

Jose: Well, the next time you decide to get passionate, make sure that doesn't involve me paying off your sexual harassment charges afterwards. (Everyone continues to laugh as Alejandro stares down at the ground, dark fury spreading across his face. Momma DJ nudges DJ, laughing.)

Momma DJ: Look at that, son. Now _that _is truly pathetic. I hope you never turn out like that! (DJ doesn't respond. Momma DJ turns to him, and sees that he is staring vacantly off into space, looking traumatized.) …DJ? You all right?

DJ: They… they cancelled Go Diego Go? WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME ABOUT THIS?! (Momma DJ smacks him across the head.)

Momma DJ: Focus, boy! We aint got time for that nonsense! You need to get your mind in the game. You aint mentally prepared!

DJ: Don't worry, momma! I'm ready for anything! Because with you at my side—(Suddenly, Momma makes a throwing motion at him with the water balloon. DJ screams in terror, and dives off to the side. The large teen lands in Jose's arms, whimpering. Momma DJ puts her hands on her hips.)

Momma DJ: Don't give me any of that "power of family" crap, DJ! (DJ sighs. Jose cradles him like a baby, and pats the large teen on the head.)

Jose: There, there… it is not your fault.

DJ: R-really? (He stares into Jose's eyes in wonder.)

Jose: Of course. Anyone in your situation would be a little afraid. But don't let your fears get the best of you, DJ. Face them head on! Because while everyone else may not believe in you, I sure do!

DJ: Wow… you really think so?

Jose: Yes! You have so much potential, DJ. I know you are capable of great things. You truly are an inspiration.

DJ: Wow! Thanks, Jose! (Jose holds up his hand.)

Jose: Don't mention it. By the way, there was something else I needed to tell you.

DJ: What is it? (He smiles at Jose.)

Jose: I hope you will give me the honor of pillaging your Mother like the Spanish armada tonight. (DJ's smile quickly shifts to an expression of horror. Before he can respond, Chris blasts his air horn.)

Chris: All right! Let's get this party started!

Jose: Yes. (He eyes Momma DJ hungrily.) _Let's_.

**Confession Cam**

**Jose: As DJ's soon to be stepfather, I must make sure to be on good terms with him. I think I made a fine first impression. Don't you? **

**DJ: You know, people always say I'm really accepting and caring person. And I guess that's true. I do always tend to see the best in people. For example: Mel Gibson. I mean, sure, he's gone on public tirades that have included racist, homophobic, misogynistic and anti-immigrant slurs, but you have to realize he has bipolar disorder. Maybe it wasn't entirely his fault. Osama bin Laden? Yes, it's true that he was a maniacal, fear-mongering terrorist who destroyed one of America's most beloved buildings and ended thousands of innocent lives, but at least he had a nice beard! But Jose Burromuerto? He's just a dick. **

**End of Confessionals **

Chris: So, who's ready to toss some balloons?

Katie: We've kind of _been _ready for the past few pages of dialogue! And all that's happened since then is a bunch of stupid subplots featuring Jose!

Chris: I know, right? Isn't it great?

Ezekiel: Yeah! I've been absolutely captivated, eh.

Chris: See? Ezekiel understands. But fine, I guess we'll get started. (He turns to the duelists.) This is it. Despite that your loved ones are here, you cannot forget the stakes. If you lose, you will officially be out of the competition. No ifs, ends, or rapidly spoken Spanish protests about it. You will no longer be in the running for one million dollars. (Jose raises his eyebrows.)

Jose: One million dollars?

Chris (grinning at Jose): I know. Pretty impressive, right? Pretty damn big sum of money, huh?

Jose: Well… no. I make that much money in the time that I take a sh**. (There's an awkward silence.)

Chris: On that depressing note, let's get started. Family members, get ready with your water balloons. (Jose and Momma DJ both rear back their arms.) And… THROW! (Alejandro immediately starts yelling catcalls at Jose.)

Alejandro: You're going to mess up! You know it's going to happen! (Jose just grins, and snaps his fingers. The water balloon then disappears from his hands, before suddenly reappearing in Alejandro's hands.)

Jose: You were saying? (Alejandro just grumbles to himself.)

**Confession Cam**

**Alejandro: Come on! How am I supposed to throw a duel if my partner is a Gary Stu who defies the laws of physics? **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: So, Alejandro successfully catches Jose's throw! Or, more specifically, Jose's throw successfully catches Alejandro's hands. Or, actually… I have no clue what the f**k just happened. But it counts! (Jose grins over at Momma DJ, who is still holding her water balloon.)

Jose: Would you like some help from Jose Burromuerto? He'd be happy to oblige. (Momma DJ glares at him.)

Momma DJ: Hell no! I don't need no help from no white boy! And wipe that smirk off your face! Or better yet, wipe yourself off the face of the earth!

Jose (frowning): I am hurt, my love. Are you telling me to commit suicide?

Momma DJ (sarcastically): _Nooooo_, I'm telling you to dive naked into a pool of melted butter!

Jose: Ah, I see. That must be a fantasy of yours, I presume? Many girls have expressed a similar desire. Well, your wish is my command. I shall begin building the pool. (He holds up a stick of butter.)

Momma DJ: I was being sarcastic! (Jose wiggles his eyebrows, and takes a step closer to Momma DJ, so that they are just inches apart.)

Jose: Your lips say sarcasm, but your eyes say something els—(He is cut off as Momma DJ knees him in the groin.)

Momma DJ: Yeah! They say you're a tool! (Jose backs off, clutching his crotch.)

Jose: Very well. My extremely large testicles get the message. But now what am I to do with this butter? I don't want to waste a perfectly good dairy product. (He thinks for a second.) I've got it. (With that, he rips off his shirt, revealing an extremely toned body. He has large, succulent pectoral muscles that glimmer with sweat. With each breath he takes, they jiggle ever so slightly, almost in an erotic, exciting dance. His whole chest is covered in thick, manly chest hair. Looking at it, one would almost think it to be a sexy forest of—

Cody: Okay, writer dude, we get it! Enough with the disturbing, overly-sexualized description in the parentheses! (Katie turns to him, smirking.)

Katie: No need to be jealous, Cody.

Cody: Huh? Me? Jealous? Please. Jose isn't even that ripped. (He points to Jose.) Look at that! I mean, sure, he's got a six pack. But a lot of people have that. It's nothing special.

Katie: That's his back, Cody. (Cody's eyes widen.)

Cody: What the?! How is that even possible?!

Jose: Anything is possible when you're a Gary Stu, my friend. (He holds up the stick of butter.) Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time to get rid of this. (With that, he presses the stick of butter to the tan skin on his chest. It immediately starts to sizzle, before slowly dripping down his front. The butter continues to melt away, until there is nothing left. Jose's front is now glistening and shining with a buttery sheen, highlighting every muscle on his body. All the girls swoon. Trent, meanwhile, looks awkwardly around at the males.)

Trent: Um… I hope I'm not the only one who's craving butter all of a sudden. (All the guys slowly shake their head, still in a daze. Jose smiles over at Momma DJ, who is staring at him. The black woman finally snaps out of it, and scowls.)

Momma DJ: Big whoop! I don't care if you're a human microwave! (She turns to DJ.) Let's show this fool what we're made of! (With that, she hurls the water balloon at her son. DJ, who wasn't paying attention because he was staring dreamily at Jose, turns and sees the water balloon traveling right towards his face. He frantically tries to catch it, but it bounces out of his hands and flies into the air. DJ yelps and grabs at it again, and this time, he gets it in his grasp. However, one second later, it slips out. DJ screams and dives forward, just catching it before it hits the ground. He wipes the sweat off his brow and lets out a sigh of relief.)

Chris: And a very close save for DJ! Okay, now both of you take one big step backwards.

DJ: See, momma? I told you I could do it! (Still grinning in relief, he takes a step backwards, and promptly trips over himself. As DJ falls backwards, the water balloon flies from his hands. DJ shrieks and frantically grabs at the water balloon as he falls, but to no avail. The water balloon smashes into the ground, exploding and soaking him. Momma DJ smacks her hand to forehead.)

Chris: And out of nowhere, DJ forgets how to walk!

Momma DJ: What did I tell you, Mclean? WHAT DID I TELL YOU?!

Chris: What? That I'm the sexiest man alive? Thanks. It's true. (Momma DJ stares at him, before speaking.)

Momma DJ: "Sexiest man alive"? Okay, first of all, you _are not_ sexy. How many times do I have to inform you of this fact? Second, you probably aint originally a man! And third, you aint even gonna be _alive_ in about five seconds! You rigged the challenge! (She tries to charge at Chris, but DJ holds her back.)

DJ: No, momma. Stop. It's not Chris's fault. It's mine. (Momma DJ glances at him.)

Momma DJ: That _is _true… (She turns back to Chris.) But I was planning on killing this mother******* anyway. (She lunges at Chris, and DJ has to grab on to her to keep her from tearing him the host to shreds. Chris backs away, holding up his hands.)

Chris: Geez! No need to be so feisty. (He turns to Alejandro.) If you can succesfully take a step back, Alejandro, you win the duel.

Jose: Yes! (He smiles at Alejandro.) Well, brother, it looks like we have succeeded. Or more specifically, I did. You did absolutely nothing. As usual.

Chris: Hold your extremely beautiful horses there, extremely beautiful man. Alejandro still needs to step back. If he fails to do so, we'll have to continue the duel.

Jose: Oh, come on now, Chris. Even my brother isn't _that _incompetent. (He grins at Alejandro.) Go on now! What are you waiting for? (Alejandro glances around nervously. He clutches the water balloon, not moving. Jose scowls, and begins rubbing his temples.)

Jose: You've got to be kidding me, brother. Now is not the time to be getting stage fright! (Alejandro continues to stand there, his knees wobbling.) Honestly, what is your problem? Did you poop in your pants? It wasn't fun changing your diapers before, and I certainly don't plan to do so now! (Alejandro starts to take a step backwards. Suddenly, he cries out, and falls to the ground, clutching his stomach. The water balloon slips out of his hands, and explodes on the ground next to him. Jose groans, and smacks his hand to his forehead.)

Jose: You little **************************************************************! How the **** did you just screw that ********************************************** up?! *****************************! (He suddenly notices everyone staring at him in surprise. Jose stutters, rubbing the back of his neck.) Um, I mean… brother! Are you okay? Let me help you up! (He runs over to Alejandro's limp body, and cradles his brother's head in his hands.)

Courtney: Would you look at that? Look at how kind and considerate Jose is!

Lindsay: IKR? He's an angel on earth! (Slowly, Alejandro's eyes open, and he stares up at Jose. Jose bursts into tears of joy.)

Jose: Oh, brother! I thought I had lost you! (He hugs Alejandro tightly, before releasing him.) But I must ask, what happened? We were so close to victory! Did you injure yourself? (He leans in closer, and his voice sharpens.) I'm sure we'd _all _love to know. (Alejandro shrugs, and chuckles nervously.)

Alejandro: Umm… I sprained my, uh… (He pauses for a moment, thinking of the first body part that comes to mind.)… My uterus. I sprained my uterus. (Immediately afterwards, he smacks his hand to his forehead.)

Izzy: Ha! I knew it! Alejandro's a woman! Pay up, buddy. (Ezekiel reluctantly hands her twenty bucks. Jose raises an eyebrow.)

Jose: I must be mistaken. Did you seriously just say… _uterus_?

Alejandro: Um… yes. Yes I did. (He forces a grin, sweat running down the sides of his face.)

Jose: Hmm. (He stares at Alejandro, long and hard. Then his face breaks into a grin.) What a surprise! And here I was, thinking _I_ was the only man capable of giving birth! This is wonderful news! I'd give you a pat on the back, but then your back would turn to solid gold. So I'll just say that I'm proud of you. Maybe we can go into labor sometime together.

Alejandro: Heh heh… of course. (He turns to Chris.) Um, can I take a bathroom break?

Chris: As long as you're fine with us laughing and trash talking you behind your back while you're gone. (Alejandro nods in agreement, and sprints off.)

**Confession Cam**

**(Alejandro throws open the door to the confessional, and sits down, before breathing a sigh of relief.) **

**Alejandro: That was too close. My cover was almost blown. As much as I want to throw the challenge, I have to make sure that it still **_**looks **_**like I'm trying. That way, I still maintain my wonderful image with the future jury members. I almost screwed myself up with the whole uterus thing, but luckily, my metrosexual tendencies helped to erase suspicion. But trust me, I still plan to lose. I just have to find the right time… then Jose will have failed in his quest for Momma DJ's affections! And with the power of my idol, I will remain in the game. It's simply ingenious, really. (Suddenly, he hears Jose's voice, echoing from the walls.) **

**Jose: Very interesting, brother. (Alejandro frantically looks around, confused.) **

**Alejandro: What the…?! Jose?! Have you been listening this whole time? **

**Jose: Yes, indeed I have. (His voice lets loose a booming, condescending laugh.) And I must say, your plan is absolutely idiotic. It makes about as much sense as Sam's inclusion in Total Drama All-Stars. In fact, it makes even less sense than Gwen and Courtney's new friendship that was subsequently destroyed for no good reason at all in the same season. **

**Alejandro: Shut up! My plan is ingenious! Stop comparing it to Total Drama All-Star's poorly conceived plot devices! (He looks around.) What are you doing? Are you outside the confessional? **

**Jose: No. **

**Alejandro: **_**Inside **_**the confessional? **

**Jose: No. **

**Alejandro: So if you're not outside the confessional, and you're not inside the confessional, then where the hell could you be? **

**Jose: Silly brother… I **_**am **_**the confessional! (Suddenly, the wall next to Alejandro morphs into Jose's face. Alejandro screams as Jose laughs evilly.) **

**End of Confessionals**

(Alejandro hurls open the door of the confessional, and after stumbling towards the forest, he vomits into one of the nearby bushes. He then stands back up, wiping off his mouth.)

Alejandro: Uggh… you're losing it, Alejandro! It's just like Jose said! You're letting him take over your mind! (He takes a deep breath, and starts squatting up and down.) Breathe, Alejandro. You can do this. That wasn't Jose. That was simply a figment of your extremely insecure and hormonal imagination. Just calm down. Keep doing your thigh squats. Yes! That's more like it! (He continues to squat up and down with increasing vigor and enthusiasm. Jose, meanwhile, walks into the clearing, and cringes when he sees what Alejandro is doing.)

Jose: Please, brother. You are being watched by a national TV audience. (Alejandro screams when he hears Jose's voice, and dives into the bushes to hide. Then, realizing that these are the same bushes that he just vomited into, he flies back out, wiping his body off furiously. He stares over at Jose, his eyes bloodshot.)

Alejandro: Wha… what are you doing here? How did you find me? HOW MUCH DO YOU KNOW?

Jose: What are you talking about? I didn't come for _you_,brother. I could care less about your creepy, solitary yoga exercises. No, I came for _this_. (He beckons to the outhouse.) This is what you call… the "Confession Cam", correct? Speaking of which, you really should tell Chris that constantly using alliterations doesn't make him seem any more sophisticated. If anything, it really adds to the whole pedophile image that he unintentionally conveys.

Alejandro: Yeah, this is the Confession Cam. What's it to you?

Jose: Why, I plan to use it! (Noticing his brother's surprise, he chuckles.) What, you think I don't have any dark, dirty secrets? (He chuckles, and pats his brother on the back.) I've been needing to get something off my extremely succulent chest for a while now. You don't mind, do you? (Alejandro still seems surprised.)

Alejandro: I… I don't mind at all. Go right ahead. (Jose looks sternly at Alejandro.)

Jose: You promise that you won't listen in, right? The Burromuerto promise?

Alejandro: Of course. The Burromuerto promise. (They shake hands. Without another word, Jose steps inside the outhouse, and slams the door behind him. Immediately, Alejandro runs over to the side of the bathroom, pressing his ear up against the wall.)

**Confession Cam**

**Alejandro: This is exactly what I've been waiting for. Now I have the perfect chance to get some serious dirt on Jose! And then, perhaps, I can reveal it to everyone else! For the first time, maybe **_**he **_**will be the one who sobs himself to sleep after stuffing his face with fajitas! (He pauses.) Wait a minute. How could I be using this Confessional right now, if Jose just entered inside of it five seconds ago? (He shrugs.) The writers really need to figure this kind of crap out. These glaring continuity errors really ruin the drama of scenes like this. Uhh… let's just pretend I'm still outside the confessional. (He rubs his hands together.) But still, I can't wait! This is gonna be awesome! There's NO WAY this can end up badly for me! **

**(Static)**

**Jose: *sigh*… This is not going to be easy for me. You see, I'm afraid I did something I simply should not have done. Looking back on it, I regret it immensely. But you cannot change the past, and the only way I can truly liberate myself from the guilt is to admit to my sins and move on. (He nods.) So, I'll begin. I've actually been here for a few days now. I was requested to spend a couple of nights at a place Chris calls "The Playa de Losers". As offended as I was by this blatant butchering of the Spanish language, I agreed to stay there. Admittedly, the place was an absolute wreck. I mean, they only had one Jacuzzi! ONE! It was practically like living in a third world country! But I managed. It really is a testament to how strong my willpower is. Anyways, that first evening of my stay, I had just finished my workout, and sat down to eat dinner with the losers. That's when I noticed **_**her**_**. She was sitting across the table from me, watching me like a hawk. Those piercing, black eyes… I was entranced immediately. I approached her. No words were necessary. The next thing I knew, we were upon the table, sailing through a sea of love… We didn't care that there will still people in the dining room. They probably enjoyed the show. (He sighs.) At the peak of our passion, I asked her what her name was. She smiled and told me, "Heather". (Jose is interrupted by a loud squeal from outside, which is obviously Alejandro's. He relishes the noise, and smiles maliciously at the camera, before returning to feigning sadness.) **

**Jose: Heather is my brother's girlfriend. I hear they really have quite a thing for one another. And I had sex with her within five seconds of meeting her. (He shakes his head.) Looking back on the memory, the regret truly pierces my heart. What I did was so wrong. (He covers his face in shame.) I mean, how could I eat dinner without washing my hands first? HOW?! Admittedly, my hands ended up getting **_**quite **_**dirty either way, but still! I am the poster child of personal hygiene, yet I forgot one of the crucial rules! The thought of it still pains me to this day. Oh well. Perhaps I should pay Heather another visit one of these days, after the show is over. She gave me her address, so maybe I could show up at her house. I'm sure she'd let me in. (He smiles.) That last sentence can be interpreted in two ways. **

**End of Confessionals**

(Alejandro is no longer listening. He is now pressing his face against a tree, and tugging at his hair.)

Alejandro: No… this can't be… Anything but that… NOOOOOO! (Roaring in frustration, Alejandro falls to the ground and begins pounding on the grass in fury. He then collapses and begins rolling around in the dirt, sobbing and flailing his legs.)

Alejandro: I HATE MY LIFE! WHYYYY? (He throws his hands up to the sky, and lets loose an anguished, defeated roar. Suddenly, the door to the Outhouse opens, and Jose steps out. Alejandro immediately stands up, and stares at him, fuming in rage. Jose smiles pleasantly at him.)

Jose: Almost done with your yoga exercises? Looks like you're really getting into it. (Alejandro just barely nods, struggling to keep himself from tackling his brother to the ground. Jose notices, and a glint appears in his eyes.) You know, sometime you should teach me some of your yoga techniques. They might come in handy, _if you know what I mean_. (He smiles evilly at Alejandro. Alejandro just clenches his fists.)

Alejandro: _Yeah… __**maybe**_… (He grits his teeth, pure anger boiling in his face. Jose frowns, and beckons to the outhouse.)

Jose: Umm… do you need to use this? You look like you do.

Alejandro: As a matter of fact, YES! YES I DO! (Alejandro then storms past his brother, and climbs inside the Confessional, before slamming it shut with a thud. The door, however, slowly swings back open.)

Alejandro: What the…?! (He tries to close the door again, but it just swings back outward after another dull thud. Steaming with anger, Alejandro wraps his fingers around the inside of the door, and pulls it shut with all his might. However, this causes his fingers to be crushed by the door with a sickening crunch. Alejandro frantically rips his hand out, before clutching it and cursing.)

Jose: Would you like my assistance, brother?

Alejandro: NO! LET ME DO THIS MYSELF!

Jose: Uhh… all right, then. Have fun. Try not to get yourself killed. (He walks away, whistling to himself. Alejandro moans.)

Alejandro: Stupid door! You ruined my extremely intense and emotional exit! (He kicks the door with anger, making it swing forward violently. Alejandro laughs.) Ha! Such a pathetic little door you are. You were no match for the foot of the Alejand—(He is cut off as the door swings backward and smacks him in the face.) Dammit! How dare you? Door, you are pushing your luck! (Suddenly, the door starts speaking to him.)

Door: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do to me, Alejandro? Bore me to death? That seems to be all you're good for.

Alejandro: Ha! That's a funny one, DOOR. **NOT**! I'll have you know that I am perhaps the most complex and interesting character on the show!

Door: Oh really? _You_ try sitting here during every single one of your confessionals. It's like watching paint dry! As in paint that has a tendency to use way too many metaphors!

Alejandro: My confessionals are perfect! They provide a deep and insightful perspective on new events through powerful and carefully conceived allusions, all the while bringing a new light to the overall theme of the episode.

Door: You once spent five hours in here talking about your favorite type of refrigerator!

Alejandro: Exactly! That's captivating material, and don't you try to deny it. Who do you think you are, anyways, to be judging _me_?

Door: Hey, I'm not the one who's hallucinating that a door is talking to him. But whatever. At least my girlfriend didn't run off with a man twice as manly as me.

Alejandro: You wouldn't know, would you? Considering you don't get any girls whatsoever!

Door: Ha! Not true, brah. Girls are all over me, man. They're always grabbin' on my knob.

Alejandro: You know what? I've had enough of you, door. If you're not going to respect me as a human being, I don't need to confess. All I ever do is sit around and bitch about things not going my way as it is. It's time to take action! Jose will PAY for his actions! For stealing my dear, sweet Heather's virginity!

Door: Heather? Virgin? And they say you don't provide any comedy for the show.

Alejandro: THAT'S IT! (With a roar, he rips the door from its hinges, and breaks it over his knee, splitting it in half. He then throws the broken boards to the ground, breathing heavily. There is a long silence. Alejandro licks his lips, savoring the sight of the destroyed door.) Vengeance is abound. AND I. AM. **JUSTICE**! (With that, he sprints off, howling like a baboon.)

**Confession Cam**

**Door: That was a bit of an overreaction. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Redemption Coliseum**

Momma DJ: Mclean! What the hell is taking so long? I feel like it's been a lifetime since those two weirdos went off to the bathroom together! (Chris looks up from painting his toenails.)

Chris: So? What's the problem, woman?

Momma DJ: So I'm done standin' here while they make out with one another! Quit with your little beauty salon over there and watch! I want to win this damn thing already! (She turns to face DJ.) Let's go, Devon! Toss me that water balloon! (DJ glances nervously down at the water balloon in his hands, sweat pouring down his face. Momma DJ scowls.)

Momma DJ: Would you stop lookin' at that thing like it's gonna rape you? (DJ shrugs.)

DJ: It might. You never know. (Momma DJ stares at him for a long time.)

Momma DJ: At this point… _you're _the one who's raping yourself. (DJ looks horrified.)

DJ: Wh-what… what does that mean?

Momma DJ: Okay, that phrasing didn't really make any sense. But what I mean is that you have potential, Devon Joseph! And everyone believes in you! _You're _the only one who doesn't!

DJ: Weren't you just talking about how I'm an absolute loser five minutes ago?

Momma DJ: Forget what I said. I was wrong back then. What I now realize is that you've been holding yourself back, Devon! Ever since you killed all them animals, you've been tryin' to keep that from happening again. But you can't worry about all that bullsh**! You gotta go for the glory! Now throw that water balloon! And put your heart into it!

DJ: My… heart? (Momma DJ nods. DJ slowly breaks into a smile.) Okay! I'm gonna do it! For you, momma!

Momma DJ: No, Devon Joseph… for _you_. Do it for _you_.

Everyone: Aww…

DJ: Okay, momma. Here I go. (His eyes filled with tears of pride, DJ nods one last time, and slowly, he rears back his arm. He then hurls the water balloon through the air with all of his might. Everyone watches in awe as it arcs perfectly through the sky. Time seems to slow down, as the whole crowd is completely captivated. It is a beautiful sight to behold. DJ smiles at his mom.)

DJ: I think we're both wrong. I've done it, momma… for the both of us.

Everyone: Aww…

DJ: Yes, Momma. Because it wasn't just me. You've taught me how to believe again. And now I believe! (Right after he says this, the water balloon lands three feet in front of him and explodes, soaking his shorts to make it look like he just pissed himself. There is a long, awkward silence. Momma DJ looks solemnly at DJ. Slowly, she speaks.)

Momma DJ: Was that the best you could do? (Slowly, DJ nods. Momma DJ shrugs.) Then it's fine by me.

Everyone: Aww…

Momma DJ: WILL ALL YOU CRACKERS SHUT THE F**K UP?! (The crowd falls silent. Chris walks forward, grinning.)

Chris: So, DJs of the Momma and non-Momma variety: while you two may have just failed in your quest to win the duel, I think you've definitely succeeded in your quest to steal all of our hearts.

Momma DJ: You know, when I said "shut the f**k up", I was referring to you as well.

Chris: Do I look like a "cracker" to you?

Momma DJ: Yes. Yes you do.

Chris: Well I'm not! I'm more of a crispy baguette, if I say so myself. Anyways, if Alejandro successfully tosses the water balloon to Jose from the same distance, he will win the duel. But that might be harder than you think. Given the reports I've been receiving from the cameramen over by the bathroom, things are becoming _quite _ugly between them. (He chuckles.) I don't know how that's possible, considering they're two of the sexiest men on the island.

Bridgette: That was an unnecessary comment, Chris.

Chris: Hmm… I guess you're right. I _am _sexier, aren't I? After all, I'm a crispy baguette. Thanks for the compliment, Bridgette! (Suddenly, Jose strides in, looking very pleased with himself.)

Jose: Greetings, everyone. (Trent waves at him enthusiastically, and yells out to him.)

Trent: HI, JOSE! (Everyone turns to him. Trent coughs uncomfortably.) Umm… I j-just wanted to make him feel w-welcome…

Jose: And welcome I feel. Thank you, Trent.

Trent: How… how do you know my name? (He looks like he is about to faint.)

Jose: That's a secret you'll have to figure out for yourself. (He winks at Trent. There's a loud thud, and everyone turns to see Trent, his head on the seat behind him, out cold. Chris nods to Jose.)

Chris: Jose, always a pleasure to stare at your abs- I mean, um, always a pleasure to have you here.

Jose: The pleasure's mine, Chris. (He looks down at Chris's feet.) My my, Chris! You've been busy while I've been gone. I bet you thought I wouldn't notice. Did you get your toenails painted?

Chris: Ohmygosh, I did! What do you think?

Jose: Why, Chris… it is the most atrocious debacle I have ever seen on a grown man. Second only to the greasy and revolting abomination you call your hair.  
(Chris giggles.)

Chris: You really know how to make me feel special, Jose. You are just such a gentleman. By the way, not like he matters or anything, but do you happen know where your much less gentleman-ly brother is?

Jose: Well, I believe he was having a few potty issues, but he should be here shortly.

Alejandro: Actually, I've been here ALL ALONG! (Everyone suddenly notices him standing at the top of the bleachers, his clothes ripped, his hair disheveled, and thick stubble growing on his face. Jose stares at him in surprise.)

Jose: What the…?! How did you possibly get here before me? I left the bathroom area ages before you did! And how could you possibly have grown that much stubble in that little amount of time?

Alejandro: It's called CONTINUITY ERRORS, _**JOSE**_! LOOK INTO IT! (He lunges down from the top of the bleachers, and lands on the ground, right in front of his brother. He stares into Jose's eyes, breathing heavily. Jose's eyes begin to water, and he scrunches up his nose.)

Jose: My god, brother, what is that atrocious smell?

Alejandro: What, Jose… can't take the stench? Is it something your perfect little world can't take? Huh? IS THAT IT?

Jose: No, I just want to know why you look and smell like you just climbed out of a dumpster!

Alejandro: It's because I'm finally standing up for what is right!

Jose: How does pretending to be a hobo have anything to do with that?

Alejandro: That doesn't matter! What matters is that I'm done staying silent! I'm going to speak up, god damn it! I'm done letting you get away with everything you've done to me! (He turns to the crowd.) Listen up, everyone! Jose is not the man you think he is! (Everyone is silent. Alejandro smiles.) That's right. Let that sink in. (The silence starts to grow awkward. A full minute passes, without anyone saying anything.)

Cody: Umm… so what? (He is startled as Alejandro lets out a loud guffaw.)

Alejandro: HA! "So what", you say? I'll tell you! (He whips around to face Jose, and points an accusing finger at him.) Simply put, Jose… is… _**EVIL**_! (The sound of thunder claps in the distance, and slowly, dark gray clouds form above the arena. Everyone looks at Jose in surprise. Jose simply shakes his head in disbelief.)

Jose: Oh, brother. Must you really be so dramatic? I mean, seriously? We may not always see eye to eye, I admit, mostly because I'm much taller than you will ever be, due to my far superior bone structure, but to call me _evil_? How could you lie to yourself like that?

Alejandro: I'm not lying! You and I both know the truth! (He points to the quickly darkening sky, which is now beginning to flash with lightning.) Look at that, Jose! What do you make of it?

Jose: It's just storm cloud.

Alejandro: No! It's an ominous, foreboding plot device, that's what it is! And the only reason it would be here is because you ARE evil! Either way, I've had ENOUGH! (He turns to the crowd.) All my life, Jose has tormented me! Since the day I was born! How, you say? Why, I'll give you a few examples!

Izzy (whispering to Gwen): You're gonna wanna listen to this. It's f**king hilarious!

Alejandro: I HEARD THAT, IZZY! And it's not funny at all! How could you say that? After I opened my heart to you! (He glares at Jose.) I want to expose you for the sins you've committed! (Jose raises an eyebrow.)

Jose: I… I don't understand. Do you… do you think I'm a bad brother?

Alejandro: I don't think you're bad, Jose. I think you're EVIL!

Jose: Ha! That's ridiculous. Would an "evil" brother get you a wonderful pair of underwear for Christmas? I don't think so!

Alejandro: Will you quit bringing up the goddamn underwear? One article of ill-fitting clothing does not make up for years of abuse! (Jose raises an eyebrow.)

Jose: What "abuse" are you referring to?

Alejandro: I'll give you plenty of examples! We've already discussed Burrito Man. But what about second grade graduation? Does that ring a bell?

Jose: Is it… is it supposed to?

Alejandro: YES! Don't remember? I was just walking back to my seat after receiving my diploma. It was one of the proudest moments of my life.

Jose: Could you kids even _spell _"diploma" at that age? Why the hell were they giving you those? What had you accomplished at that point?

Alejandro: That's not the point! You obviously don't recall, do you? I sat down on my seat, the happiest I had been in a long while. And guess what you left there, Jose, as a "gift"? A sinister airbag device used to falsely create the illusion through auditory cues that I was expelling methane!

Geoff: Dude… don't you mean a whoopie cushion?

Alejandro: Yeah! Whatever! I don't care what the Americans call it! And you, Jose, just so happened to leave a mic right next to this "cushion of whoopie"! And this mic happened to broadcast it all over the P.A. system! Everyone heard it! And they laughed at me! They all laughed!

Jose: So? It was just a funny little prank.

Alejandro: "A funny little prank" that led me to stay in the house for the next three weeks, all the while trying to recover through the help of a trained psychologist!

Jose: Seriously? Because of a fart joke?

Alejandro: I had very low self esteem, as you would know. So yes, being embarrassed in public, in front of all my peers and their parents, was quite the traumatic experience for me! And you should've known that! But you didn't! Because you're **EVIL**!

Jose: Oh, come on now. You can't call me out for something I did when we were kids. All kids are mean to one another! It's part of the fun!

Alejandro: Or how about the time I decided to join FanFiction? That's a bit more recent, don't you think? Just after the third season ended, in fact. I decided I'd write a story for the Total Drama section. I was sure that with my stellar writing ability and keen eye for strong storytelling, I could easily become the next Kobold Necromancer. I mean, the second half of Total Drama World Tour resembled a poorly written FanFiction as it was, so I should've had the edge when it came to experience. Thus, I crafted my masterpiece over the next few months, taking painstaking care to ensure perfection, preparing it for my audience among the Total Drama fans. Finally, once I was confident enough, I published it. I waited all day, constantly refreshing my emails; waiting for that wonderful "Review Alert", as they call it. Finally, towards the end of that first evening, I got my first review. My heart leapt into my chest. My fingers started to tremble. I grew an involuntary erection, I was so excited. I thought my climb to fandom fame had begun. But what did the review say? It was a flame from you, calling my story terrible! How could you do that to me?! It was a work of art! I channeled Chaucer! I sprinkled it with Shakespeare! I even threw in a pinch of Stephanie Meyer, the esteemed author of the Twilight Saga!

Jose: That "masterpiece" you wrote was nothing more than a convoluted and OOC abomination of AleHeather smut, with more grammatical errors than a texting conversation!

Alejandro: Okay, I might've used too much of the Stephanie Meyer. I probably overdid that. But flaming me? Your own brother? That's just _EVIL_!

Jose: Can you please stop using all-caps every time you say that word? And you know I had no malicious intent whatsoever, Al. I just wanted to provide constructive criticism for you! I was hoping you would take my advice, so that next time, your FanFiction wouldn't be physically painful to read!

Alejandro: "This story sucks" is not constructive criticism, Jose!

Jose: That's not true. With that review, I gave you an example of how to form a complete sentence, something you did not do once during the entire story, except for one excruciatingly long run-on sentence in which you described your buttocks in graphic and disturbing detail!

Alejandro: It was crucial to the plot! A story needs vivid imagery!

Jose: Not if this vivid imagery is going to give me nightmares, Al. And a run-on sentence is not technically a real sentence, either.

Alejandro: Well here's a "real" sentence for you; you're a douche!

Jose: Well, actually… no. That's not a real sentence. You're supposed to use a colon when you separate an explanation, rule, or example from a preceding independent clause. Not a semicolon.

Alejandro: How the hell would you know if I used a semicolon or colon just from my voice?

Jose: I just know these things, Al.

Alejandro: AND STOP CALLING ME AL! (Jose sighs.)

Jose: Seriously… what is troubling you, brother? You obviously aren't telling me something. It must be very displeasing to you, considering it triggered your menstrual cycle about five days ahead of schedule. It must be something major. Something absolutely tragic. (He pauses.) Were they out of toilet paper in the bathroom?

Alejandro: NO! You really think I'd be this angry over that?

Jose: Yes. Don't you remember that time at Taco Bell when you—

Alejandro: SHUT UP! This has nothing to do with toilet paper, okay? Besides, you really think I would use that disgusting, low quality, scratchy atrocity that they stock the outhouse with in the first place? I always make sure I have a roll of my own at the ready. Because I think ahead. (He proudly displays a fresh roll of toilet paper, and holds it up like a prized possession.) It's 4-ply. Specially crafted. Alejandro would expect no less from his toilet paper. And it does _not _disappoint. In fact, it feels like an angel is gently kissing my backside every time I use it!

Noah: You really didn't need to tell us that. (Alejandro scoffs, and crosses his arms.)

Alejandro: Whatever. You are just envious of my toilet paper, Noah.

Noah: I'm more envious of Chef, actually. I'd do anything not to have to sit through this nauseatingly long segment of nothing but Alejandro bitching about his family issues to all of us.

Jose: I agree. I know you love the spotlight, brother, but I think this has gone on too long. Just tell me why you're feeling the need to subject us to even more monologues than usual.

Alejandro: I think you know exactly what I'm pissed off about, HO-se! Get it? Because you're nothing but a man-whore who STEALS WOMEN?

Jose: Please don't make puns.

Alejandro: I will as soon as YOU admit to what you did at the Playa de Losers! (He points to the empty bleachers on the other side of the arena.) And I want you to look at THEM when you say it! (Jose stares at him confusedly.)

Jose: First of all, I have no idea what you're talking about. Second, what are you pointing at? (Alejandro suddenly notices the vacancy in the seats. He turns around, and sees everyone sitting in the bleachers behind him. His eyebrows spring up in surprise.)

Alejandro: What the…?! How'd you get over there? (He beckons back to the empty bleachers.) I could've sworn you guys were on that side of the arena, like, five seconds ago! Stupid continuity errors!

Katie: Um, no. We never moved. We've been sitting here the whole time. I'm pretty sure you're just going insane.

Alejandro: HA! Do I look like an insane man to you? The Alejandro may be many things, but he always keeps his sanity. It is just one part of why I am such a classy, respected individual. The toilet said so himself. (He turns back to Jose.) Still not fessing up, huh?

Jose: I would, if I knew what I was supposed to be confessing to.

Alejandro: Fine! If you're so clueless to the whole situation, let me give you a hint. You had sex with Heather at the Playa de Losers! (Everyone gasps, except for Noah, who continues reading his book. Alejandro turns to face Jose again.) Do you know what I'm referring to now, Jose?

Jose: Well, yes, considering your "hint" was you just telling me the answer.

Alejandro: Whatever! How could you, Jose? Why Heather? Why her? You had your choice of any female, and you chose to go after the one that I liked? How could you? She was my sunshine on a Saturday morning! My rainbow in a sea of despair! My beating heart within a cold, lifeless body!

Jose: Heather was tired of you, brother. She needed a real man in her life. And after hearing those atrociously sappy metaphors of yours, I can understand why.

Alejandro: She was the only thing I had left. The only thing that I cared about that you hadn't yet stolen from me. But now I don't even have her anymore. You have stolen her precious virginity! (All the girls in the bleachers laugh.)

Courtney: Heather? A virgin? Ha! That's a good one. (Alejandro scowls.)

Alejandro: It is true! She was!

Gwen: I have to agree with Courtney on this one. Heather was definitely not a virgin.

Alejandro: That doesn't mean—

Bridgette: Yeah, they're definitely right. There's no way she was a virgin.

Alejandro: But—

Izzy: I think the question we should be asking is how many different dudes she's blown. I'd say 25!

Katie: Eh, I'd say somewhere along the lines of 40. (She glances at Jose.) Make it 41.

Gwen: I don't know, are we counting people over the age of 30? Because then it would be somewhere along the lines of 75-80. (Alejandro stares at them in horror.)

Alejandro: That can't be true… can it?

Courtney: How do you think Heather got cast on this show in the first place? Do you think it was because of her personality? (Alejandro thinks for a moment.)

Alejandro: Fine! But that was the old Heather. She was a changed woman after that. That is, until _you _came along! (He clenches his fists, and takes a step towards Jose.) You're NOT getting away with this! I WILL DESTROY YOU! (Suddenly, Chris pops up next to Alejandro, grinning.)

Chris: This seems like a good time to continue with the challenge, don't you think?

Gwen: Now? Are you kidding me?

Chris: Hey, I love spicy brother-on-brother action as much as the next guy, but we need to get a move on. We're wasting precious airtime that could be spent showing shots of me smiling at the camera. (He smiles at the camera.) Don't worry, folks. We'll get back to that in just a moment. (He hands Alejandro, who is shaking in rage, a water balloon. Alejandro stares down at the water balloon in his hands. Then he slowly looks up at Jose, an evil grin spreading across his face.)

Alejandro (breathing heavily): Not so cocky now, huh? Now that I have the upper hand?

Jose: I dare you to throw that at me. I dare you.

Alejandro: I need no prompting from you, brother. This will make you realize that you don't steal my girl and get away with it! Time… for… JUSTICE! (With that, he hurls the water balloon as hard as he can at Jose. Jose just stands in place as the water balloon hurtles towards him. It slams into his abdomen, but instead of exploding, it rebounds off of his stomach, before flying back and slamming into Alejandro's face. Alejandro stands there, soaking wet, breathing heavily. Then he sighs.)

Alejandro: Probably should've seen that one coming.

Chris: And Alejandro has failed once again! Man, this is getting old. (Suddenly, Jose lets out a loud, echoing cackle, startling everyone. He places his head in his hand, still snickering.)

Jose: My god, brother. Sometimes you just make it too easy.

Alejandro: What… what do you mean? (Jose walks forward, grinning widely.)

Jose: It was almost disappointingly simple. All I had to do was plant a few seeds, and you're such a little insecure bitch that you literally did my dirty work for me.

Alejandro: That explanation was just as vague as your previous statement!

Jose: Don't you get it, Al? Why do you think I came here? Do you think it's because I actually wanted to see you? Or that I loved you?

Courtney: Of course that's why you came! Because you're such a nice older brother!

Jose: Don't interrupt me, slut. (He grins at her expression of shock.) That's right. I said it. News flash: Al's right! I'M F**KING EVIL! Can't believe it took you that long to find out! (He turns back to Alejandro.) No, the only reason I came here is to do what I always do. And that's ruin your life. And I succeeded once again. Using a couple of clever, well-placed lies, I was able to get you to throw the challenge against _yourself_. Because that's how much of an idiot you are!

Alejandro: Wait… what "clever, well-placed lies"?

Jose: Are you that dense, brother? (He shakes his head.) I didn't have sex with Heather! I didn't even go to the Playa de Losers! When you think about it, the whole story actually makes no sense. There are far too many plot holes. Do you even realize how much of a sloppily conceived premise the whole thing is? Do you realize how OOC Heather would have to be to just have sex with someone on top of a table, with everyone watching? Do you realize how OOC everyone would have to be to enjoy watching it? Well, aside from Sierra, of course.

Alejandro: Wait a minute… (He gasps. Jose's eyes flash, and wide grin spreads across his face.)

Jose: Yep. You finally figured it out, Al. I used the exact same plot from _your_ AleHeather fic. And you were so stupid that you didn't even realize it.

Alejandro: No… that can't be…

Jose: Oh, it can be. Seriously, who else would use the phrase "sailing through a sea of love"? More like drowning in an ocean of sentimental bullshit.

Alejandro: But… why would you do this? What was there for you to gain?

Jose: Oh, Al… watching you suffer is greater than any reward I could ever ask for. And because of my lies, you let your emotions get the better of you, and look at you now. You've failed in the duel because of your irrational, insecure choices. You're pathetic. Like you always have been. And like you always will be. (Alejandro is silent for a long time.)

Alejandro: Wait… so Heather was never unfaithful to me?

Jose: Well, no—

Alejandro: BOOYAH!

Jose: That is not the point! You lost the duel! Because you—

Alejandro: Who cares about all that? Heather is all that matters to me. And now, my AleHeather fic still has a hope of coming true!

Jose: No it doesn't! Do you really think that when you return home a loser, Heather will have any interest in engaging you in your creepy, exhibitionist fantasies?

Alejandro: Yes.

Jose: Then you are even more pathetic than you appear. Which I didn't know was possible. You're wearing skinny jeans, after all. (He shakes his head, and beckons to the crowd behind him, where most people are watching with disapproving expressions, their arms crossed.) Look at your peers, Al. Look at how you disgust them.

Gwen: Actually, we're mostly pissed off at _you_.

Jose: WHAT?!

Geoff: Yeah, dude. Why you gotta hate on your brother so much? Being mean isn't cool anymore. We live in the goddamn twentieth century! We need to start acting like it! We are the kids of the future!

Bridgette: Geoff?

Geoff: Yeah?

Bridgette: It's the twenty-first century, not the twentieth.

Geoff: Oh. (He smiles brightly.) The more you know!

Noah: And that, my friends, is why our future is f**ked. (Jose scowls at them, and clenches his fists.)

Jose: Really? You guys are angry at _me_? Because I'm not afraid to shy away from the truth? The truth is that despite how perfect I am, my brother will always be a flaw I can never remove. No matter what I do, no matter whose life I save, no matter what civil rights movement I make, people will always still remember that I'm the brother of a guy who read every Twilight book and wept for on his bed for five hours afterward! Al is not the victim here! I am!

Bridgette: Al may have his… _quirks_. But that doesn't mean you get to terrorize him like this!

Jose: Come on! There must be _somebody _who sees things from my point of view!

Trent: I do, Jose! In fact, you being evil makes you all the sexier. (Everyone stares at him. Trent slowly ducks behind Courtney, blushing dark red.)

Ezekiel: And I'm just sitting with my arms crossed because I'm insecure about people staring at my manboobs, eh.

Cody: The rest of us pretty much now think you're a prick.

Jose: Fine. If this is how you people feel, I want no part of it. You're _all _losers in my mind. I have better things to do, anyway. Enjoy being D-list celebrities! I'm out of here! (He starts to leave, but is cut off by Alejandro.)

Alejandro: Now hold on a second! What about Momma DJ? You're just going to leave without saying goodbye to her? I thought she was the love of your life! (Jose stares at him for a long time. Then he bursts out laughing. He wipes a tear away from his eye, and shakes his head.)

Jose: Whew… I totally forgot about that one. Was I really that convincing? I thought nobody would believe it. I admit, some parts of my performance were pretty realistic. (Momma DJ takes a step forward.)

Momma DJ: What are you getting at, FOOL?!

Jose: Is it that hard to understand? I don't actually have a crush on you! That was just another one of my lies! I had a feeling that if my brother thought I had any vested interest in winning the duel, it would make him all the more likely to throw it.

Alejandro: So… you don't actually think that Momma DJ is the most beautiful thing you've ever seen? (Jose laughs.)

Jose: Are you kidding me? I mean, look at her! (He beckons to Momma DJ.) She's not exactly… (He trails off as he notices Momma DJ gritting her teeth at him, a dangerous look in her eyes.)

Momma DJ: What are you stopping for? Keep going. (Jose backs away, sweat running down the sides of his face.)

Jose: Umm… no thanks. I think I'll pass. I really must get going—(Momma DJ takes a step towards him.)

Momma DJ: Keep. _**Going**_**. **

Jose: I'm just saying that you might be better off with a man who… umm… "enjoys eating" as much as you do. (Everyone gasps.)

Geoff: Ohhh man. I can't believe he just went there!

Jose: What? I'm just stating a fact, guys! What do you want me to say?

Gwen: Maybe something that isn't so rude?

Momma DJ: Guys, let's not get angry with him. He's right, after all. I _do_ enjoy eating. (She continues walking towards Jose, as he continues to back away.) I also enjoy beating the crap of punk-ass spoiled rich-kid brats.

Jose: Oh yeah? What makes you think I'm spoiled?

Trent: Yeah! Jose isn't spoiled. A body like that is as ripe as it gets! (He ducks back behind Courtney in embarrassment as everyone stares at him once again. Meanwhile, Momma DJ is getting dangerously close to Jose.)

Momma DJ: I think it's about time I taught you a lesson, son. And you know what? CLASS IS IN SESSION!

Jose: Stay back! Don't you dare get any closer!

Momma DJ: I don't think so, boy. You started this. And now we gonna settle it! (Jose shrugs.)

Jose: This is last your warning. I may be a gentleman, but that does not mean I won't hesitate to smack a ho if I deem it to be necessary.

Momma DJ: Neither will I! (She begins cracking her knuckles, and rolling up her sleeves. Jose stares at her in disbelief.)

Jose: Wait a minute. You actually want to physically fight with me? Not a good idea. I'm a black belt in every single martial art in the world. Do you really want to embarrass yourself like that? (He chuckles.) You'd have to be—

**(Warning: The following footage contains a man's ego being destroyed. Viewer discretion is advised.)**

Jose: NO! Please! HAVE MERCY! (He is now squirming in frustration as Momma DJ bends him over her knee, as she sits on a tree stump in the middle of the arena.)

Momma DJ: Too late for that, Mr. Martial Arts of the World! (She grabs the waistband of Jose's pants, and pulls them down to his ankles, revealing tight, white underwear underneath.)

Jose: No! What are you doing to me?! STOP IT! Pull my pants back up!

Momma DJ: Not until you've learned your lesson! (She brings her hand ominously up into the air. Jose sees it, and trembles.)

Jose: No way. Don't even think about spanking me, you hear me?! That's just unacceptable! That's not even legal—OW! (He roars in pain as Momma DJ's hand slams into his left butt cheek with a loud smack, to loud cheers from the audience.)

Momma DJ: Do I look like a law-abiding citizen to you?! (She whacks his right butt cheek, and Jose cries out in pain once again.) This one's for calling me fat! (She spanks him.) And this one's for taking up half the episode doing nothing but talkin' bout yo'self! (She spanks him again.) And this one's for Jesus! (She spanks him once more. Jose now has tears flowing freely, as he pounds the ground, squirming to get free.)

Jose: Stop it! You have no right to degrade me like this! You have no reason to! I am a model citizen! A brain surgeon! An award-winning movie director! I own an orchestra!

Momma DJ: So what? I own an orchestra too! Except my orchestra is your ass! And I'm conducting a goddamn symphony on it! (She spanks him three more times.) Aint it music to yo' ears? (Jose flails his legs, biting down on his lip in agony. Alejandro, meanwhile, is snapping pictures, obviously delighted.)

Jose: _Por favor_! I cannot take any more!

Izzy: Hey, he rhymed! Looks like he's getting in the musical mindset as well!

Jose: No! It was unintentional! Please, just stop! If you do, I'll give you everything I have! All my money! All my bitches! All my talents!

Momma DJ: I don't want any of yo' shit! Now time for the grand finale! (Momma DJ begins banging on Jose's bottom like a bongo drum, her hands moving up and down with increasing velocity. The spanking swells to a crescendo, before Momma DJ slams both her hands into Jose's butt with one final smack. Then, finally, Momma DJ lets go of Jose. The Latino man collapses in the dirt, moaning.)

Jose: Ohh… _dios mio_… I have no feeling whatsoever left in my ass…

Noah: I guess that's why your last name is Burromuerto.

Momma DJ: Ha! Good one. (She looks down at Jose.) Sorry, son. But I did what I had to do. Maybe from now on you'll focus a little more on RESPECT!

DJ: You know, momma, that might be a bit of a hypocritical thing to say after you spanked someone on national TV for three consecutive minutes.

Momma DJ: DO YOU WANT TO BE NEXT, DEVON? (DJ stops talking.) Didn't think so! (Jose, meanwhile, slowly gets up, and stands with his pants at his ankles. He turns to Alejandro, who is still grinning smugly.)

Jose: You can laugh all you want right now, brother, but just know that I WILL get my revenge!

Alejandro: Might you want to say that while you're not in your underwear?

Jose: Why would I? Unlike you, I am very comfortable in my own skin! (He points to the crowd.) But he's not the only one who will pay! My revenge will be on all of you! My thirst for vengeance is only increasing! (Suddenly, a water bottle hits him in the face.) WHO THREW THAT?!

Lindsay: Didn't you, like, say you were thirsty? (Jose picks up the water bottle and angrily crushes it in his hand, making water explode everywhere.)

Jose: All of you better watch out. FOR I AM JOSE BURRO—(He is cut off as another water bottle slams into his face.) I'M NOT THIRSTY, OKAY?!

Gwen (dusting her hands off): I know. That was just because I wanted to.

Jose: Where are you getting these water bottles, anyway?! _I'm _the only one who's supposed to be able to make random shit materialize out of thin air! The nerve of some—OW! OOF! F**K! (He is pelted by three more water bottles, one hitting him in the face, another hitting him in the stomach, and the third one hitting him in the groin. As water bottles continues to slam into him, Jose frantically begins waddling away, with his pants still at his ankles. As he reaches the forest path, he turns around to face the others, still waddling forward.)

Jose: You'll all pay for this! Mark my words! I'll be the one laughing then! We'll see who—(Jose suddenly slips on a water bottle that was lying at his feet, and flies forward, his legs spread wide apart. He smashes into a tree crotch-first and slowly slides down it, his legs on either side of the trunk as he moans. Now completely silent, he drags himself away in the direction of the beach. Chris walks forward, grinning.)

Chris: Well, I think we can all agree that this has certainly been—(He is cut off as a water bottle slams into the side of his face.) OKAY, STOP THROWING THEM NOW! Anyways, this has certainly been quite the eventful morning. Major props to Momma DJ, if I do say so myself.

Momma DJ: It was nothing, Mclean. I was just doin' what's right. That's my parenting philosophy- every bruise is a learning experience.

Chris: Should I be reporting that to CPS? I feel like I should be reporting that to CPS. (He shrugs.) Eh, too much effort.

Alejandro: So, is it true that I have lost the duel?

Chris: Well, actually… no. What Jose failed to realize in all of his sexiness is that DJ and his mother had already failed before you guys even arrived. So, therefore, we're stuck at a tie.

DJ: So what do we do? Do we keep competing, with a new partner for Alejandro?

Chris: Are you kidding me? This duel has already gone on way too long! We need to find a way to end it right now. (Alejandro steps forward.)

Alejandro: I volunteer to go! (DJ gasps.)

DJ: No! You can't, Al! Don't sacrifice yourself just for me! (Alejandro places a reassuring hand on DJ's shoulder.)

Alejandro: Do not worry, DJ. You can rest assured that I actually don't give a crap about you. This is about me. Yes, the game is important. I want to win it so very badly. But right now, Heather is more important. And I cannot spend another second without her!

All of the girls and Ezekiel: Aww….

Alejandro: Yes. I am very romantic man. (He sighs.) For a brief period of time today, I thought I had lost _mi amor _forever. But now that I know there is still hope, I cannot let her slip away. I must go back to the Playa de Losers, so I can always watch over her, to make sure I am the only man in her life!

Noah: So, pretty much, this isn't romantic at all, and you're just a paranoid, insecure control freak when it comes to your relationship.

Alejandro: Eh, that's one way of putting it. Either way, I possess not a moment to lose. (He waves to the crowd.) Adios, _mis amigos_! It has truly been a pleasure! Now I begin my quest. My quest for love! (With that, he gallops out of the arena, his chest puffed out triumphantly.)

Chris: Somebody probably should've told him that path doesn't lead to the beach. Oh well. (He nods to DJ.) Looks like you've "won" this duel, DJ. Congratulations. You are now the new occupant of Redemption Cabin. (Momma DJ pats DJ on the back.)

Momma DJ: You did it, Devon Joseph! I'm so proud of you! (DJ nods, tears welling up in his eyes.)

Chris: Well, actually, he didn't really "do" anything.

Momma DJ: Maybe not, but the fact that he was able to stand outside for an extended period of time without breaking down in a crying, pathetic mess is a victory in my book. Now c'mere and give yo' old momma a hug, Devon! (DJ hugs her, tears now streaming down his cheeks.)

DJ (whispering in his mom's ear): I'm gonna miss you, momma.

Momma DJ: Imma miss you too, baby. (They continue to hug, until suddenly, DJ is launched out of his mom's embrace. He is sent flying through the sky, screaming in terror, before landing back deep in the forest, sending leaves up into the air. Momma DJ turns to Chris in rage.)

Momma DJ: What was that for?!

Chris: We're on a tight schedule! Sometimes the ejection panel is necessary when we need to move things along! (He grins slyly at her.) Pretty bad, aren't I? Maybe I should be taught a lesson? (There is a long, awkward silence.)

Momma DJ: I'm not going to spank you, Mclean.

Chris: Darn. It was worth a try. (Momma DJ suddenly whips out a gun, and points it right at Chris.)

Momma DJ: Nah, poppin' a cap in yo' ass would be a lot more efficient! I was just waiting for Devon to leave before I did this! (Chris frantically presses the ejection button on his remote control, right as she pulls the trigger, launching her out of the arena in the direction of Lake Wawanakwa. The bullet whizzes past Chris's head, barely missing him. Chris sighs.)

Chris: You know, it really is unfortunate that all of our interactions tend to end with her shooting at me. (He turns to the campers.) See? That duel wasn't so boring, was it? That was some high-octane drama, if you ask me. By the way, can somebody wake Tyler up in the back? That's kind of rude. (He beckons to Tyler, who is lying spread-eagled at the top of the bleachers, snoring loudly. Lindsay shakes him.)

Lindsay: Wakey wakey, Tyler! (Tyler's eyes burst open.)

Tyler: Huh? Boobs? What? (He regains focus, and he looks around groggily.) What's going on? Is the duel over? Sorry, I kind of fell asleep at the part when it started. Who won?

Noah: You did. You somehow found a way to sleep through that excruciatingly long segment of non-stop crap. (Chris scowls.)

Chris: Why are you guys being haters? It was quality television!

Tyler: Yeah, I agree with Chris. That was great! Especially that part where I didn't have to watch because I was asleep. That part was the best! Heh heh. (Chris stares at him for a long time, before slowly speaking.)

Chris: Tyler?

Tyler: Yes?

Chris: Punch yourself in the face for me.

**Confession Cam**

**Chris: What Tyler pulled back there is not okay. Not okay at all. Do you know how bad it seems for our own contestants to be falling asleep during the competition? I—(Suddenly, Tyler's fist flies through the open window and slams into Chris's face. Chris grabs his cheekbone, scowling.) WHAT WAS THAT FOR?! (Tyler sticks his head through the window.) **

**Tyler: Huh? Oh, sorry. I thought you told me to punch you in the face. **

**Chris: No! I said you need to punch**_** yourself**_** in face! **

**Tyler: How would I do that? **

**Chris: HOW ABOUT I SHOW YOU?! (He hurls open the door to the bathroom, and lunges out, swinging his fists at Tyler's face. Tyler runs away, screaming.) **

**(Static)**

**Courtney: Wow, so Alejandro really cares about Heather. Even more than winning! Who would've thought? I wish I knew a man who would be willing to sacrifice himself for me like that. (She coughs loudly.) I REALLY WISH I DID! **

**Trent (from outside the Confessional): Oh, come on! Seriously? Just once! Just once I'd like to be able to come here to take a piss without being subjected to a full-on, vaguely concealed guilt trip, thank you very much! **

**Courtney: MAYBE I WOULDN'T HAVE TO DO IT IF YOU WEREN'T SUCH AN ARROGANT ASSHOLE! **

**Trent: Why, you bitch—**

**(Static)**

**Trent: Man, that Courtney… she's so beautiful when she's trying to permanently injure me. She and Jose are probably the two most beautiful people I know. I mean, besides myself, of course. Duh. **

**(Static)**

**Alejandro (leaves in his hair, his eyes bloodshot): Why didn't anyone tell me that the path I went down led straight to the bear cave?! Oh well. No issue, other than the fact that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need an amputation. Playa de Losers, here I come! **

**End of Confessionals**

**Playa de Losers**

Alejandro: …So I said, I cannot wait another moment longer! I love Heather far too much! And so here I am now. Pretty romantic story, huh? (Heather stares at him from across the table, as they beside the pool.)

Heather: Oh, Alejandro… you really are a f**king idiot.

Alejandro: Huh…? Wha…?

Heather: Come on! I know I'm great, but that wasn't worth throwing your entire game away for!

Alejandro: But it was, Heather. I could not risk my fear of you finding another man becoming a reality.

Heather: Come on, really? What "man" could you possibly be fearful of? Do you see who I'm living here with? There's Duncan, who is pretty much the producers' sex slave; Justin, who is still studying the science on how to reproduce with himself; Owen, who literally cannot even blink without making me want to vomit; and Harold, who's goddamn Harold!

Alejandro: Yes, but—

Heather: You've really made a mistake this time, Al. (Alejandro crosses his arms, frowning.)

Alejandro: You obviously are forgetting the strategic benefits of my move, Heather.

Heather: Oh, really? I am?

Alejandro: _Si_. You see, I did something very admirable by sacrificing myself for you. Now I've practically got the jury vote locked up! They _have _to give me the money!

Heather: Yeah, except for the fact that you're OUT OF THE COMPETITION. You can't win the damn jury vote!

Alejandro: We'll see about that. (Heather stares at him in disbelief.)

Heather: Do you even know how this game works?

Alejandro: Of course I do! But there is one factor that everyone is forgetting about. For all we know, I may still be able to get back in this game.

Heather: And why is that?

Alejandro: Because I have something. Something very powerful. A bartering chip, if you will.

Heather: What? You're going to offer to give Chris a blowjob?

Alejandro: What? No! That job is reserved for Chef. I've got something much better. (His eyes glint mischievously.) Want to see what it is? (Heather starts to smile.)

Heather: You _do_ seem pretty excited about it. Okay, show me.

Alejandro: You will not be disappointed. (Beaming, he reaches behind his back, and pauses for dramatic effect. Then he pulls out the stick, and displays it proudly to her. Heather gazes at the stick for a long time in utter shock. Alejandro smiles)

Alejandro: I know what you must be thinking. You must be thinking "How could this stick possibly be our savior?"

Heather: No, I was thinking more along the lines of "Alejandro has officially become retarded". And I'm right.

Alejandro: No! Not at all. If anything, you should be regarding my cunning with reverence. This stick is the all-powerful hidden immunity idol! And with it, one can re-enter the game, and reclaim their glory! (He smiles.) Ah. I can see you are impressed now.

Heather: That's not the hidden immunity idol.

Alejandro: Oh really? And why would you say that?

Heather: Because it's a stick!

Alejandro: Why can't it be both?

Heather: Because it's a f**king STICK!

Alejandro: But… you don't understand! I have undeniable proof!

Heather: Oh really? How?

Alejandro: Tyler told me. (He pauses, and thinks for a moment.) F**k.

Heather: This is beyond ridiculous, Alejandro. You've become too stupid for me to handle. We're done.

Alejandro: No! Wait! (He takes a deep breath.) Don't you see, Heather? _You _make me act stupid. I've sacrificed _everything _for you, for almost no reason at all. Please. You have to listen to me. I don't care about the game. I don't care about the money. I don't even care about this stupid stick!

Heather: …Really?

Alejandro: Yes! It all means nothing to me, if I can't have you! (With that, he tosses the stick off to the side, where it promptly jams itself in Owen's eye, making the fat boy scream, and begin jumping around in pain, before falling into the pool and sending up a splash that soaks everyone. Alejandro cringes, his hair dripping wet.)

Alejandro: Well, that romantic gesture ended up being a bit more destructive than I originally planned. Heather, I—(He is cut off as Heather grabs his head and her lips meet his. After a full minute of kissing, Heather pulls away, smiling.)

Heather: I've always wanted a man that would give up his happiness for me. (She kisses him again, before stopping once more.) Oh, and you maiming Owen was an added bonus. (Alejandro beams.)

Alejandro: Any time you want me to, babe. Any time you want. (They kiss for another minute, before he pulls away, and winks at her.) Do you want to, perhaps, take this to the kitchen?

Heather: We're not recreating your crappy FanFiction, Alejandro. (Alejandro nods, disappointed.)

Alejandro: Oh well. It was worth a shot. (They go back to kissing.)

_**Back at Camp…**_

Chris: Wasn't that just beautiful? AleHeather really does bring a tear to my eye.

Trent: Eh, I'm not a big fan. I don't really feel the chemistry, to be honest. I'm more of Justher kind of guy myself. (Everyone stares at him. Trent frowns.) What?

Chris: Trent, you give us a new reason to hate you everyday. All right, back to our plotline. Family members! (He leans up against the podium he is standing behind, smiling.) Which one of you children is ready for some lovin'? (Everyone stares at him. Chris cringes, and sighs.) I probably could've phrased that better. It sounded much less rapist-y in my head.

Noah: Wait, hold on a second. Why the hell are you standing behind a podium?

Chris: It makes me feel manly, okay?! Anyways, your loved ones are on their way. (Everyone cheers loudly, and Chris nods.) That's right. They'll be here any minute now. Chef just picked them up from the Wawanakwa airport.

Cody (raising an eyebrow): There's a Wawanakwa airport? (Chris pauses, frowning.)

Chris: Hm. I guess there is. (He is silent for a moment.) At least, I hope there is. Otherwise, your loved ones have all probably died in a very violent plane crash. (Everyone stares at him in horror.) It's just a joke! Geez, lighten up. Jokes about real-life, heart-breaking tragedy are always the best.

Bridgette: No they're not!

Chris: Well, I need to find _some_ way to bring comedy to the episode. It's either this, or puns.

Bridgette: Heart-breaking tragedy it is.

Chris: Wise choice. All right, so now we just wait for Chef to arrive with the tour bus filled to the brim with your loved ones. But that doesn't mean the fun can't start right now!

Courtney: And what do you mean by that generic and creepy statement?

Chris: I mean that someone's family member is here already, as we speak! (Everyone looks around, but there is nobody new to be seen.)

Noah: Okay, I just want to express my condolences before-hand to the person that turns out to be related to Chris.

Chris: What? You think I'm referring to myself? No way! That's disgusting! Look at your faces! You really think faces like those… could come from an angelic face like this? As if! No, it's something very different. You see, one of your parents has been my very special personal intern for the past few months.

Gwen: Seriously?! One of our family members, which we haven't seen in ages, has been here?! And you never told us?!

Chris: Hey, I happened to hire them during the hiatus. I needed someone to help me pass the time. I didn't think it was that important, anyway. Like, honestly, what is so great about family?

Bridgette: So many things, Chris! Family is always there for you, no matter the situation. They're a shoulder to cry on when you're sad. People that you can tell your innermost secrets, your goals, your regrets. A group that you can always count on, no matter—

Chris: Yeah, yeah. I get it. You're a walking, talking Hallmark card. But does _family _have wonderful, luscious hair that is glorious to behold when swung in slow motion? I don't think so! (Grinning, he slowly and seductively swings his head backwards. However, this makes his hairpiece fly right off his head, and land in the bleachers. Izzy reaches down and picks it up, before placing it on her own head and laughing.)

Izzy: Hey look, everyone! I've turned into Chris! Now I can spend long hours licking my own reflection!

Chris: What? I don't do that! Now give me my luscious hair back!

Izzy: Aw, but this would make such a nice dishrag.

Chris: NOW! (Izzy sighs, and tosses it back to him. Chris stuffs the toupee back down onto his head.)

Chris: As I was saying, this family member has been my helper for most of the hiatus. Ready to see who it is?

Katie: Your hair is on backwards.

Chris: I DON'T CARE! MAYBE IT'S SEXIER THAT WAY! (He takes a deep breath, and forces a smile.) So, let's bring her out. It's the one… the only… LINDSAY'S MOM! (Suddenly, a blonde woman's head sticks up from behind the podium, right by Chris's waist.)

Lindsay's Mom: Huh? Are we going shopping?

Chris: No, Tiffany. You're gonna go say hi to your daughter now. (He pats her on the head.) Thanks for the help, though.

Tiffany: No problem! It was fun! (Smiling, she stands all the way up, making all the guys gasp. She is wearing a skimpy top, with extremely short shorts highlighting her many curves. She shakes out her long, blonde hair, and waves at everyone.) Hi, everyone! (She takes a step forward, and immediately trips in her high heels, face-planting in the ground. She gets back up, laughing.) OMG, I _always _forget about gravity! LOL!

Lindsay: Me too! (Lindsay's mom turns to face her, and beams. The two blondes run up to each other, and hug tightly.)

Lindsay: I've missed you so much, Lindsay!

Tiffany: I've missed you too, mom! (She pauses, and taps her forehead, puzzled.) No wait, I think we got that one wrong. I think _I'm_ supposed to be Lindsay's mom, and you're supposed to be Lindsay.

Lindsay: Oh yeah! (She laughs.) I _always _forget the order of heritage in our family.

Tiffany: OMG, me too! (They laugh, their breasts bouncing up and down in unison.)

Cody (whispering to Noah): Oh my god, dude… she has even bigger boobs than Lindsay! How is that even possible? I thought I would have to break physics for that to ever happen! PRAISE THE LORD ALMIGHTY! (He falls to the ground, sobbing in joy. Noah rolls his eyes.)

Lindsay: OMG, mom, I almost forgot! You just HAVE to meet Tyler! (She grabs Tyler, and pulls him up to the front. Tyler stares at Lindsay's mom, flustered. Tiffany smiles at him.)

Tiffany: Lindsay has told me so much about you! I hear you're a very nice young man.

Tyler: Uhh… tits? (Lindsay's mom smiles at Lindsay.)

Tiffany: He's seems really smart!

Lindsay: OMG, he totally is!

Tiffany: So, how have you been? Are you enjoying camp?

Lindsay: It's been awful, mom! You do NOT know how hard this whole show has been for me. We haven't gone shopping! ONCE!

Tiffany: That's crazy! How have you survived?

Courtney: By subjecting the rest of us to non-stop crying and bitching. (Lindsay's mom pats Lindsay on the back.)

Tiffany: Well, don't worry. If you win, we can go shopping every day! In fact, we could buy every single article of clothing in the world!

Lindsay: Really?

Tiffany: Yeah!

Chris: You know, I think they just might be overestimating how much one hundred thousand dollars is worth. (He shrugs.) Oh well, they have boobs. They can be forgiven. (He nods to the two of them.) You guys can go sit down, and catch up some more. (Holding hands, Lindsay and her mom skip over to the bleachers.)

Chris: Well, that was quite heartwarming. Now, let's contin—

Noah: No. We're not moving on just yet. I think we're forgetting a very important question. What the hell was she doing behind that podium? (Chris glances around nervously, twiddling his thumbs.)

Chris: Nothing! Why are you so suspicious?

Noah: Um, because frankly, there's only one good reason for why she'd be down there. (Chris gasps.)

Chris: No! That's sick! You can't possibly believe I would do that, can you? Is that really what you're accusing me of? (Everyone nods.)

Geoff: Seems about right, dude.

Chris: Come on! This is ridiculous!

Gwen: Why? You treat women like trash all the time. History has shown that if you say "personal intern", it most likely means another word that starts with "p". (Chris scowls.)

Chris: So this is what it's come to. These are what you teenagers have become. You want to know why she was down there? You want to know? This is why! (He holds up his leg, and shows that he is wearing sneakers.) She was tying my shoes for me! OKAY?! I didn't want people to know that I couldn't tie my own shoes. It was my most humiliating secret. Well, congratulations. Now the entire world knows. Because you Satanic adolescents all have your minds entrenched in the deepest recesses of your own perversions! DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE?! DO YOU?! YOU SHOULD ALL BE ASHAMED!

Courtney: But… your shoes are still untied. (Chris glances over at his foot, and sees that the laces are, indeed, untied.)

Chris: Oh. (There is a long silence.) And now this is officially awkward.

Momma DJ: AND I'M ABOUT TO MAKE IT A WHOLE LOT MORE AWKWARD, FOOL! (Chris whips around to see Momma DJ, standing in the entrance of the arena, soaking wet.)

Chris: You're still here?!

Momma DJ: Of course! I swam all the way back!

Chris: You can swim?!

Momma DJ: Oh HELL NO! You did NOT just go there!

Chris: What? I wasn't trying to make a stereotype. I was just saying it because you're fat!

Momma DJ: THAT AINT ANY BETTER, MCLEAN! (She runs at Chris, her fists clenched. Chris tries to run away, but trips over his own untied shoes, and lands flat on his face. Momma DJ then tackles him to the ground. She begins punching Chris in the stomach, making him gasp for breath. Slowly, the host reaches into his pocket, and whips out a tranq gun, before shooting it into her thigh. Momma DJ stares down at the dart sticking out of her leg, before turning back to Chris, enraged.)

Momma DJ: OH NO YOU DIDN'T! (She begins throttling his neck.) You can't… just… (Her grip on his neck slowly weakens, before she collapses, asleep. Chris stands up, and brushes himself off.)

Chris: Man, she must be really jealous, or something.

Katie: No, Chris. She just wanted to kill you.

Chris: That does make things a bit more awkward.

**Confession Cam**

**Chris (covered in bruises): That Momma DJ is one feisty girl. (He sighs.) Too bad that tranq dart got more action that I ever will. (He shrugs.) Oh, and by the way, Lindsay's mom actually was tying my shoes. But as it turns out, Lindsay's mom does not know how to tie shoes. Or really do anything that isn't shopping. I know, shocker. **

**Lindsay: I'm so happy my mom is here! And Tyler seems just as excited, too! **

**Tyler: Heh heh. Boobies. **

**End of Confessionals **

Chris: Okay, let's find out if any progress has been made in getting your loved ones here on time. (Suddenly, his walkie-talkie begins ringing in his pocket.) That must be Chef calling in right now! He must be on his way! (He begins speaking into the receiver.) Chef! What's your status? (Suddenly, loud shouting fills the speaker.)

Chef: CHRIS! SHE'S A PSYCHO, MAN! YOU GOTTA SAVE ME! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE THE HECK THIS BUS IS GOING! (There is a loud crashing noise heard in the background.) NO! GET AWAY FROM ME WITH THAT BANANA! GET AWAY! I REFUSE TO BE VIOLATED! YOU HEAR ME?! I'M IN CHARGE OF THIS GODDAMN BUS! UNLESS ALL OF YOU WANT YO' ASSES SMACKED INSIDE-OUT, I SUGGEST YOU SETTLE THE F**K DOWN! (More crashing is heard.) NO WAIT! I TAKE THAT BACK! I WAS JUST JOKING! **FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, HAVE MERCY ON MY SOUL! **AHHHHHHH—(Chris turns off the remote control.)

Chris: Sounds like everything is running smoothly.

Katie: How does Chef screaming for his life while being mauled by someone with a banana classify as "everything running smoothly"? (Chris swallows deeply, obviously stumped. Then he slowly begins to smile.)

Chris: I think we must first ask the simpler questions of life. (He beckons to the sky.) For instance, why is the sky blue? (He gestures to the ground.) Or why is the grass green? (A bird flies overhead, and Chris points at it.) Or why do birds fly?

Katie: Or what the hell do those questions have to do with what I just asked?!

Chris: Everything. And yet nothing. The answer is in the eyes of the beholder. But perhaps the truth is something the heart is not meant to know. Perhaps the heart is not something the truth is meant to know. (He taps his chin.) Or… perhaps the something is not truth the know is meant to heart.

Katie: Perhaps that's just a bunch of Zen-master bullshit! And that last sentence made absolutely no sense whatsoever!

Chris: That's what they want you to think.

Katie: Who's "_they_"?

Chris: Everyone. And yet no one. The answer is in the eyes of the beholder. (He grins at Katie as she steams with rage.)

Gwen: Seriously, Chris, you need to stop avoiding the topic. You put our loved ones on a bus driven by a maniac man-child, and now he doesn't even have his hands on the wheel!

Chris: That's probably a good thing, considering Chef lost his license back in 1983. (He whistles lowly.) Damn. Now that I think about it, Chef was one sexy stud muffin back in 1983. Even more stud-muffiny that he is now.

Izzy: Yeah. He really was. That was probably one of his sexiest years. The only one that even comes close is 1997.

Chris: I agree. (He nods in agreement.)

Noah: Well, obviously you agree, because you just said it!

Chris (ignoring Noah): I remember him like it was yesterday… (Slowly, the screen starts to ripple and fade as Chris stares off dreamily.)

Courtney (gritting her teeth): Don't you dare do it. Don't you dare.

Chris: Aw, but Alejandro got an extremely elongated flashback this episode! Why can't I have one?

Courtney: Because one, Alejandro's flashback was actually _relevant to the plot_. And second, it wasn't M-rated, like I'm sure any story involving you and Chef will end up being!

Chris: Uggh, fine. No awesome flashback. Admittedly, it's pretty damn hard getting a camera crew into my subconscious in the first place.

Bridgette: Wait a minute. Getting back on topic, why the heck did Chef lose his license?

Chris: Oh, nothing too bad, Bridgette. Don't you worry. He just killed twelve people after he drove a bus off of a cliff. (Everyone stares at Chris in horror. Slowly, Geoff speaks.)

Geoff: Um… dude?

Chris: Yes, Geoff?

Geoff: If Chef killed twelve people in a car accident by driving off of a cliff, then why would you choose him to be the one to drive our loved ones, of which there happen to be twelve, over here, on an island where there happens to be a cliff?

Chris: That's a good question, Geoff. (He smiles at him. There is a long silence.)

Geoff: Well… are you gonna answer my question?

Chris: No. (Noticing everyone glaring at him, he shrugs.) Geez, guys, can we all just calm down? That was a long time ago! Chef has seriously improved as a driver. He even knows the whole "10 and 2" rule!

Courtney: Well, that _is _reassuring. Anybody who knows that you're supposed to grip the wheel at the 10 and 2 position of a hand clock must know _something _about driving. (Chris frowns.)

Chris: Wait, that's what it means? Oops. Heh heh. He thought it meant that's he supposed to drink 10 beers and down two shots of vodka every time before he drives a vehicle. You know that reminds me of the time Chef and I were super drunk at this bar in 1978. And then our favorite disco song came on! And we started… (He trails off as he notices everyone staring at him furiously.) What?

Courtney: Chris, all I can say is, you may be having quite a few lawsuits coming your way very soon. (Everyone nods in agreement. Chris chuckles nervously.)

Chris: Can everyone just chill out? It's all good. Your loved ones will be here any minute now, safe and sound. You've got the Chris Mclean promise. (He winks at the camera, and flashes a reassuring smile.)

_**Five hours later... **_

(The sun is now considerably lower in the sky. Chris is still standing awkwardly in front of the campers, who all are staring at him with their arms crossed.)

Noah: Ah, nothing like a well-placed time transition to make Chris look like an absolute moron.

Chris: Huh? What are you talking about?

Trent: It's been five hours! You said they'd be here any minute now! (Chris laughs.)

Chris: Oh, _come on_. I think you campers are losing your time perception or something. It's only been a few minutes at the most!

Gwen: Then what do you make of the bold italics above us saying "five hours later"? (Chris glances up the page, and sees what Gwen is referring to. He shrugs.)

Chris: I can't read, so that has no effect on me. So you have no proof!

Cody: My watch says 2 pm. It was 9 am when we began.

Chris: I can't tell time, either. So once again, it appears you have no proof!

Katie: Your status as an uneducated piece of white trash does nothing to disprove our point. It only serves to prove why you shouldn't be hosting this show! (Chris is silent for a long time, looking stunned.)

Chris: Well… I have awesome hair.

Noah: Yeah, I think we've won this debate, Chris.

Chris: Do _you _have awesome hair? No you don't! So actually, _I've _won the debate!

Gwen: God, why do you think you can just act like a total dick all the time? (Chris narrows her eyes at her, before slowly speaking.)

Chris: How about I let you in on a little secret, my friend? You mean _nothing _compared to me. I have all the power on this show, and it's about time people started recognizing that fact! In fact, I'm sick of each and every one of you! You and your well-timed, insulting quips while I'm speaking! I'm talking to you, Noah! I want some GODDAMN RESPECT!

Noah: We just want to know if our loved ones are all right!

Chris: And there you go again! Yet another well-timed, insulting quip!

Noah: That wasn't even—

Chris: I'VE HAD ENOUGH! (He takes a deep breath.) I am so done dealing with 12-year-old BRATS!

Noah: But we're 16—

Chris: YOU'RE 12 IF I F**KING SAY YOU'RE 12! (He shakes his head.) You kids need to understand something. I have all the influence. I have all the status. And most importantly, I have all the money. Do you want to know how many pairs of gold-plated underwear I currently possess? DO YOU WANT TO KNOW? 83 pairs, that's how many!

Noah: Telling minors about your underwear? And you wonder why you're not allowed within the vicinity of every Chuck-E-Cheese in Canada.

Chris: Noah, I will literally call up the animation department and have them erase your face in about five seconds if you don't shut the f**k up. (Noah falls silent.) Thank you. Now, back to how awesome I am. I have a total of 17 Gemmy Awards, which I keep in a diamond-encrusted shelf in my diamond-encrusted mansion. I'm one of the top ten most well-known television personalities in the entire world. I even own my own country! I am, arguably, one of the most successful men this world has ever seen. And my power will continue to grow. I will be immortal. While Noah, on the other hand, will fade into obscurity. He will be forgotten. And nobody will care. Because Noah sucks. (He smirks cockily at Noah, proudly crossing his arms.) What do you have to say to that?

Noah: You might want to move.

Chris: What? What's that you say? You want me to move? _You're _telling _me _what to do? Yeah right, buddy! I think I'll stand right here! (He crosses his arms and plants his feet in the ground, jutting out his chest with pride.)

Noah: Suit yourself.

Chris: That's right! I _will _suit-(Suddenly, a giant tour bus lands on top of Chris, crushing him underneath.)

Noah (smirking): What's that you say? You really should speak up. (The side door of the bus slams open, and Chef goes tumbling out, landing in a crumpled heap on the ground. Geoff runs over to help him up. Chef looks around, dazed and confused.)

Chef: Wha… what happened…? (Suddenly, he snaps out of it, and punches Geoff in the face, before jumping up.) I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE! (He starts to run away, but suddenly, there's a loud whoop from within the bus. An old woman wearing a red jumpsuit then comes crashing out through the windshield, and lands on Chef's shoulders, making him topple over and faceplant in the ground. The old woman walks forward and stands on the back of Chef's head, before throwing her hands up.)

Old Woman: VICTORY IS MINE! (Scowling, Chris pulls himself out from underneath the bus and wipes the dirt off of his clothes.)

Chris: Okay, what in the actual f**k just happened—(Suddenly, the old woman whips around and kicks him in the face, sending him flying into the bushes.)

Old Woman: HA! An assassin hiding under the bus! Thought you could sneak up on me, huh? No way! Because I'm always one step ahead of the game! BOOYAH! (She begins hip-thrusting in victory. Chris sticks his head out of the bushes, spitting out leaves.)

Chris: Chef! What is the meaning of this?! I was right in the middle of my super dramatic stand-off with the Noah! And you ruined everything! (Chef forces his head up from the ground, spitting out dirt.)

Chef: It wasn't me! It was _this_ crazy woman! (He points to the old woman standing on top of him.) I don't know who's grandma this is, but she's a psychopath! She pushed me off the wheel and started drivin' the bus herself! (The old woman grins.)

Old Woman: I _had _to do it. We needed to speed up! He was driving like an insecure teenage girl!

Izzy: Well, that's because Chef _is _an insecure teenage girl.

Bridgette: But what about our loved ones? Are they all right?

Old Woman: They're just fine, boring blonde girl that I've never met before! In fact, they've never been better! (She turns and calls into the bus through the broken-open windshield.) Hey! How's everyone doing? (Immediately, a chorus of groans and cursing resounds from the bus. The grandma chuckles and turns back to face everyone else.) Well, you know what they say, boring blonde girl. Whatever leaves you maimed and traumatized for painful years to come makes you stronger.

Bridgette: Nobody says that!

Old Woman: Well, that's what they say in my family. Speaking of which, where's my little Tyler? It feels like ages since I last punched him in the face!

Lindsay: OMG, she's _Tyler's _grandmother? I NEVER would've guessed! (Everyone groans, and smacks their hands to their heads. Meanwhile, Chris has adjusted his hair, and after quickly applying some make up, he walks over to his podium and stands behind it.)

Chris: Okay, this is getting repetitive. Two episodes ago, I was crushed by a glass hamster ball. Last episode, I was crushed by the Confession Cam. Now I just got crushed by a tour bus. All I can say is that getting crushed by large, heavy items better not become a running gag for me on this show.

Izzy: Aw, but it'd be such a nice way to throw in an Owen cameo! After all, the writer's _love _that. Especially when it makes absolutely no sense, like the one in Total Drama All-Stars.

Chris: That's another thing. Can we all just quit with the All-Stars bashing? That's another universe! We're not a part of it! In this timeline, that show doesn't exist. So we can't criticize it, because technically, we don't know about it. OK?

Gwen: True. Besides, this fic is plenty bad enough as it is.

Chris: Exactly! Anyways, getting back on topic, the loved ones have arrived, as I promised. So, therefore, you guys can all suck it. (He pauses.) The problem is, Noah would probably enjoy that.

Noah: Dude, can we quit with the non-stop vendetta against me?

Chris: I would answer that question if I knew what "vendetta" means. But I don't. So there! Take that, little man! (Noah rolls his eyes as Chris continues.) We've already met Tyler's… _charming _grandmother. (He beckons to Tyler's grandma, who is observing with amusement the shards of broken glass impaling her body. Chris turns to Tyler.)

Chris: Tyler, you've been pretty silent this whole time. This may be the longest you've ever gone without saying something completely stupid.

Noah: Maybe that's because you were hogging all the "stupid dialogue" for yourself. (Chris whips around to face him.)

Chris: Seriously, Noah, do you want my fist to leave a "non-stop vendetta" on your face?

Noah: Yeah… that's not how you use the word.

Chris: WHATEVER! ENGLISH IS STUPID! (He begins muttering to himself.) Don't let him get to you, Mclean… This is the family episode! You have to stay cheerful! (He slaps himself across the face to regain focus, before turning and smiling at Tyler.) Would you like to come up and give your grandma a hug, Tyler? I bet you've missed her. (Tyler just stands there, not saying anything. He stares directly forward, his eyes focused on nothing in particular.) Um… alright then. Now, I'll introduce the rest of your loved ones one-by-one. First, we have—

Tyler: Hey, everyone! MY GRANDMA'S HERE! (Everyone groans.)

Katie: Did it really take you that long to—(She is cut off as Tyler shoves her out of the way, before bounding towards his grandmother in glee. Tyler's grandma runs towards him as well, her arms outstretched in preparation for a hug. However, they both miss each other's embrace. As he sprints past, Tyler accidentally trips over his grandma's leg, and flies forward, before face-planting in the ground. His grandmother loses her balance as well, face-planting in the other direction. They both lie there, groaning.)

Trent: Yep. That's definitely Tyler's grandma.

Noah: Thanks for that profound nugget of wisdom, Trent.

Trent (not noticing the sarcasm): You're welcome! (Meanwhile, Tyler and his grandmother get up off the ground, and properly embrace. Suddenly, Tyler begins to cry tears of joy, burying his face in his relative's shoulder.)

Tyler: I've missed you so much, grandma… I've been counting the days until I would get to see you again! I'VE BEEN COUNTING THEM! (He chokes on a sob, and hugs her tighter.)

Tyler's Grandma: Since when can you count? (Tyler giggles.)

Tyler: It's true. I can't. That's why I love you, grandma. You know me so well! (His grandmother smiles warmly at him.)

Tyler's Grandma: I love you too, Noah. (Tyler scowls, and breaks free from the hug.)

Tyler: Come on! I told you how I feel about that joke, grandma!

Tyler's Grandma: What joke? (She stares at him confusedly. Tyler falls silent, and neither of them speaks. Chris chuckles.)

Chris: Well, our first family interaction, and already, we have our first extremely awkward moment! I knew I would love this episode! (He claps his hands together.) All right. Time to begin introducing the rest of the loved ones. (He calls into the bus.) Listen up! I want each of you to come out one-by-one when I call your name for your introduction! Got it? (A voice comes from within the bus.)

Voice: Wouldn't it just make more sense for all of us to come out at the same time?

Chris: No. Not at all. (He laughs as if this is the stupidest thing he's ever heard.)

Voice: Um, why not?

Chris: Uhh… because I'm Chris Mclean, and you're just a random voice.

Voice: I don't think that's an adequate reason to—

Chris: Random voice, I highly advise you shut the f*** up.

Voice: I'm just—

Chris: Do you have a foot fetish, random voice? Because it really seems like you want to get off on the wrong foot with me! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? (The voice is silent. Chris smiles.) I thought so. So, let's begin the introductions. First, we have—(Suddenly, the door to the bus slams open, interrupting him. An old man with a large white moustache and a toque similar to Ezekiel's steps out of the bus, and throws his hands up in the air and cheers, before subsequently vomiting onto the ground. He then starts cheering again.)

Old Man: That was awesome, eh! Let's go again! I've never felt more alive! (To everyone's horror, aside from the toque, he is wearing no other clothes.)

Chris (trying to avert his eyes): Okay, that's great and all, considering you're probably going to die in five to ten years from now, but can you try to "feel alive" without making my optical organs want to commit suicide?

Old Man: But those two things go hand-in-hand! (He stumbles over to Chris, grinning widely, and starts shaking the host's hand with enthusiasm, much to Chris's disgust.) You must be Curt McCock! It's truly an honor to meet you! I'm Grandpa Ezekiel! (Chris rips his hand out of the old man's grasp, scowling.)

Chris: In case you weren't _aware_, it's _Chris Mclean_, buddy. (Grandpa Ezekiel frowns in confusion.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: Umm, no. I'm pretty sure my name is Grandpa Ezekiel. (Chris groans.)

Chris: That's not what I meant! I'm saying that that's _my _name!

Grandpa Ezekiel: _Your _name is Grandpa Ezekiel too? Woo'w! That's amazing, eh!

Chris: No! _I'm Chris_—(He pauses.) You know what? I'm just going to stop trying.

Old Man: Do you need a hug? You seem sad, eh. (He tries to wrap his arms around Chris, and the host frantically ducks out of the way from his naked body. Chris then turns to the production crew.)

Chris: Can we please get a censor bar over here? Honestly, this is a show for children. I see it as my duty that we censor all things on this show that some audiences may find to be traumatizing to look at. (Suddenly, a black bar pops up over Chris's face. Chris laughs sarcastically, and places his hands on his hips.) Haha. Nice one, guys. Very funny.

Geoff: Dude… I don't think it was a joke.

Chris: Of course it was. Don't be silly. (He turns to the production crew.) RIGHT? JUST A JOKE, HUH? **YOU GUYS KNOW I ALREADY HAVE SELF ESTEEM ISSUES!** _**NOW GET THIS THING OFF MY FACE!**_ (The black bar moves from his face down to Grandpa Ezekiel's crotch. Chris nods with approval.) That's better. (Grandpa Ezekiel, meanwhile, stares down at the censor bar currently covering his junk and giggles.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: Hee hee… what is this thing? Heh heh… It tickles, eh! (He wiggles in joy, making the censor bar bounce up and down frantically, trying to block the sight from the cameras. The old man then leans back and sighs.) In a nice way, might I add… _Really _nice… _I like it_… (Suddenly, the censor bar begins to grow bigger. Everyone glances around at one another in horror.)

Chris (trying to ignore what he is witnessing): So, Grandpa Ezekiel—(Grandpa Ezekiel holds up a hand to cut him off.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: Oh, no need to bother addressing me like that. You can just call me Grandpa Ezekiel! (Chris stares at him for a long time.)

Chris: Um… ok. Anyways, do you know why I brought you here? Do you have any idea?

Grandpa Ezekiel: Oh, no need to bother addressing me like that. You can just call me Grandpa Ezekiel! (Chris stares at him again.)

Chris: Um, yeah, I get that. But we're talking about why you're here—(Grandpa Ezekiel holds up a hand to cut him off.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: Oh, no need to bother—

Chris: SHUT UP! (Grandpa Ezekiel is silent.) Geezus, you have even worse social skills than your grandson!

Grandpa Ezekiel: Hey, don't insult Jesus like that! What'd he ever do to you, eh?

Chris: No, I'm talking about _you_! _You _have worse social skills than your grandson!

Grandpa Ezekiel: Then why did you refer to me as Jesus, eh? Do you really find me that attractive?

Chris: No! "Geezus" is an exclamation you sometimes use to—Why am I bothering? (He sighs.) I'm going to put it simply. Your grandson is in my reality competition. You are here to help him compete in challenges, which will ultimately test just how close your bond truly is.

Grandpa Ezekiel: Ha! That'll be no problem, eh! Me and my grandson have the strongest connection 'oot of anyone! We'll be unbeatable! (He pauses.) Wait a minute… I have a grandson?

Chris: Yes. Yes you do. His name is Ezekiel. Ring a bell? (Grandpa Ezekiel bursts out laughing.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: You have to be more specific than that, eh. Everyone in our family's name is Ezekiel! My grandpa was named Ezekiel. So was my grandma. Both of their respective grandparents were named Ezekiel. Our pet rock was named Ezekiel. And our pet rock's grandpa was named Ezekiel. Even our house was named Ezekiel. And our house's grandpa was named—

Chris: Yes, we get it! You're a creepy, misogynistic Amish family who doesn't know how to use any name other than "Ezekiel" when naming your male children, female children, and all inanimate objects, because you're still living in the f**king 1700s, where that sort of thing is encouraged!

Grandpa Ezekiel: That's pretty harsh, yo. Why do you gotta hate on the 1700s? Those days were the shit, man!

Chris: Um, no. The 1700s were terrible. You couldn't even walk through the streets without having to dodge chamber pots as people hurled them out their windows! How exactly would you define that as "the shit"?

Grandpa Ezekiel: Umm… I really think you can't get any more "the shit" than chamber pots. (Chris groans.)

Chris: You know, if you're gonna be an Amish freak, you should at least be _slightly _informed on the meaning of the terminology we normal humans use. It would serve you well. But enough beating around the bush-

Grandpa Ezekiel: Uhh… dude? There aint no bush over here. You really need to keep up with the times. Who's the Amish freak now, eh?

Chris: Don't worry, you still are. So, how about you go find Ezekiel? He should be somewhere in that sinister crowd of pubescent monsters. (He beckons to the campers.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: Uhh… okay then… (He glances around, trying to find a face he recognizes. Suddenly, his eyes lock on someone, and he breaks into a warm grin.) Ezekiel! It's so good to see you! (He sprints over to Trent, and wraps his arms around him, hugging the guitarist tightly.)

Trent: What the…?! I'm not your goddamn grandson, buddy! (He tries to wrestle free, but Grandpa Ezekiel holds on tighter.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: I missed you too, Ezekiel. (He examines Trent's face, and smiles.) Woo'w, Ezekiel! Would ya look at that, eh? You've gotten sexier since the last time I saw you! (Trent stares at him in horror.)

Trent: Once again, I'm not Ezekiel! I already said that! And even if I was, why the hell would you be evaluating your own _grandson_ on his sexiness? Do you realize how socially wrong that is? (Grandpa Ezekiel frowns.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: Hey, you don't need to be so hurtful, eh. I'm just happy for you, that's all. Good looks can take you a long way in life, Ezekiel. Why, just ask yours truly. (His face breaks back into a smile.) With a handsome face like that, you're gonna have a very successful time finding a partner for marriage. You'll have all your cousins to choose from, eh! (Trent glares over at Chris.)

Trent: Chris! Get this f**king crazy geezer off of me before I call the police on his ass!

Chris: Now, that's really not a nice way to address your grandpa, Trenton. This is a social event. Try to have some manners.

Trent: "Grandpa Ezekiel" over here isn't even wearing any clothes! And you're calling _me _out on my etiquette?

Chris: Yes. And you better watch it. Now hug your grandpa. _Like you mean it_. (Groaning, Trent reluctantly wraps his arms around Grandpa Ezekiel. Grandpa Ezekiel smiles, and they continue to awkwardly embrace.)

Chris (wiping a tear away from his eye): Aww… how wonderful. Nothing quite compares to the love that can be shared between a mental, 80-year-old nudist and the number-phile douchebag Stu-tagonist that he's mistakenly perceiving as his grandson, most likely due to Alzheimer's. Doesn't it just bring a tear to your eye?

Ezekiel: NO! I can't take any of this anymore, eh! (Everybody turns to him in surprise. Grandpa Ezekiel begins whispering in Trent's ear, glancing over at the prairie kid nervously.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: Yo, Ezekiel, who's that creepy, pale kid who looks exactly like he could be my grandson?

Ezekiel: I'm your grandson, that's who I am!

Grandpa Ezekiel: Ha! That's ridiculous, eh. Hoo'w could a creepy, pale kid who looks exactly like he could be my grandson, possibly be my grandson?

Ezekiel: It's true, eh! You want proof, eh? Look at hoo'w I'm speaking, eh! Look at hoo'w many times I'm saying "eh", eh! (He points at Trent with disgust.) Have you heard that guy say "eh" even once so far? Hoo'w could he be Ezekiel if he never even says "eh"? That's like my damn trademark! (Grandpa Ezekiel frowns.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: That's what you don't understand, child. It's not aboo't your _quantity_ of "eh"s. It's about your _quality_. If you put an "eh" after every sentence, it don't mean nothing! But a well-placed "eh"? It doesn't just enhance the language. It makes it a _piece of art_, eh. I'm sure Ezekiel here is just waiting for the right moment to use an "eh". It will be absolutely amazing when he does. (He proudly pats Trent on the back. Ezekiel is at a loss for words. Then he jams his finger up his nose, much to everyone's disgust.)

Ezekiel: Well, look at me pick my nose! You always said I was the absolute best when it came to nose-picking, eh. Look at me go! (He digs around furiously inside of his nostril, making loud squelching noises. Grandpa Ezekiel just shakes his head.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: You're doing it wrong. You can't be violent when you pick your nose, eh. You gotta be tender. Gentle. Passionate. Like this. (He jams his own finger up his own nose, and begins slowly wiggling it around, moaning with pleasure. Everyone cringes.)

Noah: I think I speak for all of us when I say that if I have to witness much more of this, I'm going to be needing therapy. (Cody suddenly bursts out laughing right next to him, startling Noah considerably. Chuckling, Cody wraps his arm around Noah and smiles.)

Cody: Oh, Noah… you are just SOOOOO funny! A real comedian, that's what you are. You just brighten my day. All of our days, in fact. Every time you speak, it's like music to our ears. (He sighs dreamily.) You're so great, Noah. I'm so glad to call you my friend. But you know what? You're more than just a friend. You're someone I aspire to be. You make _me _better, Noah just by _being _here. You want to know something? Sometimes, when I'm in the shower, I pretend I'm you. I pretend I always know what to say, at the perfect time to say it… I pretend I have a perfectly-matted sweater vest along with skin the color of smooth, seductive chocolate… You're just so cool, Noah. You give me hope for humanity. (Noah stares at him for a long time.)

Noah: Yep. I'm definitely going to be needing therapy. (Cody bursts out laughing again, before he is elbowed in the ribs by Katie.)

Katie (whispering to him): _If you do something like that again, I swear you're out of this alliance. You're supposed to be sucking his dick SUBTLY. Got it? _(Cody sighs, and nods. Meanwhile, Grandpa Ezekiel extracts his finger from his nose, and sternly looks at Ezekiel.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: I guess the point that I'm trying to make is, if you're gonna try to fake being my grandson, at least do a good job of it, eh. (With that, he turns away, his arm wrapped protectively around Trent. Trent glances back at Ezekiel and sees the homeschool staring straight at him, dark fury pulsating in his eyes.)

Trent: Look, I—

Ezekiel: I don't want to hear any excuses… _grandpa hugger_. (He spits the word.)

**Confession Cam**

**Trent: Oh, no. This is not good. Not good at all. You see, Ezekiel is crucial to success of my alliance with Katie. If there's one thing I've learned from observing Ezekiel, it's that he doesn't seem to have a functioning brain. That makes him a vote that's pretty much up-for-grabs. You just have to make him happy, and he's pretty much there to do as you say. But to have the dude pissed off at me? That would be detrimental. Who knows what he'll do to get his revenge? In fact, the only reason I didn't knee that psychotic windbag in his wrinkly old testicles is because I didn't want to risk offending Ezekiel. But now it turns out Ezekiel's pissed at me for NOT doing that! He's even calling me "grandpa hugger"! Oh god. This could very well be turning into a messed up version of the whole "boyfriend kisser" scandal. Let's just hope he isn't writing a song about it… **

**Ezekiel: There. (He finishes scribbling on the roll of toilet paper, and wipes sweat from his brow.) My new hit single, "Grandpa Hugger", is complete. It should be available on iTunes soon enough. It's a rock ballad with slight reggae undertones and a hint of Lady Gaga. It's got a real dark vibe, if you ask me. (He shakes his head.) I still can't believe Trent betrayed me like that. We were best friends, eh! (He pauses.) Well, we never actually really spoke to one another, but one time, we walked past each other. It was a pretty special moment. And then he breaks my heart, eh! Noo' that I think aboot it, he probably does this to other people's grandpa's, too. I bet he gets some sort of sick sexual thrill from the experience. (He slowly clenches his fists.) Well, let's see how TRENT likes it when I go hug HIS grandpa! HA! Yeah! That's right, eh! I'll go look up the address to Trent's grandpa's house, find it, and hug that grandpa like there's no tomorrow! WOOHOO! Besides, restraining orders are what's hip nowadays, eh. **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: I believe I speak for all of us when I say that this introduction to Ezekiel's grandpa went on about three Microsoft Word pages too long. (He pauses, waiting expectantly. He scowls.) Come on, I just made a slightly amusing quip. Isn't somebody going to give me a monologue about how awesome I am?

Gwen: Nope.

Chris: Uggh… and yet you give Noah one? Sometimes this world just doesn't make sense to me. (He shrugs.) Whatever. Let's get a move on. Next up, we have the business executive who works day and night to keep his companies running, in the process isolating himself from his family and friends… he's got a pole up his butt the size of Jupiter… it's the one… the only… overbearing and unloving father! Otherwise known as Courtney's dad!

Courtney: _Chris_! Why would you give him such an atrocious introduction? He's a wonderful person!

Chris: Oh, Courtney, darling… no he isn't. (Courtney crosses her arms, scowling. Suddenly, a tall, intimidating man wearing a business suit steps out of the bus, brushing himself off in disgust. He has a Bluetooth firmly implanted in his ear, and his hair is slicked back in a shiny sheen. Courtney squeals with delight when she sees him.)

Courtney: DADDY! (She runs up to him, her arms outspread. However, as she gets closer, her dad holds up a finger, shushing her.)

Courtney's Dad: Can't you see I'm on the phone, darling? (He beckons to his head piece. Courtney examines him, before frowning.)

Courtney: Umm… is that why your Bluetooth isn't even on? (Courtney's dad glances over at the Bluetooth, and sees that all three lights are completely dark, indicating he isn't on the phone with anyone.)

Courtney's Dad: Oh… that's strange. (He flushes dark red, and chuckles.)

Chris: Ahh… the awkwardness. Let it simmer. Let it simmer.

Courtney's Dad: Um… yeah. I was, um… testing you! You know… keeping your brain sharp! You've still got it, Courtney. (Courtney smiles.)

Courtney: Oh. I get it. (She tries to reach forward to hug him, but Courtney's dad quickly backs away.)

Courtney's Dad: Mind if we… skip the hugging this time around?

Courtney: But we haven't seen each other since I joined this stupid reality show! You don't even want to hug your own daughter after three years?

Courtney's Dad: Of course I do, Courtney, of course I do! (He reaches out to pat her on the back, then changes his mind and retracts his hand. He lovingly pats the air next to her instead.) It's just that… this is a really expensive suit, and I just bought it. I wouldn't want it getting dirty.

Courtney: Can't you just take off your suit and then hug me?

Courtney's Dad: That's true… but I also just bought this shirt. It's made of the finest satin. Really wouldn't want that getting dirty either. Same goes for my new pants.

Courtney: Well, can't you just take off your suit and your shirt and your pants and _then _hug me?

Courtney's Dad: Yes… but then that would be a federal offense. (He smiles at her.) I hope you understand.

Courtney: No, not really! What is wrong with you? (Courtney's dad stares at her for a moment. Then he leans forward coldly, before whispering in her ear.)

Courtney's Dad (whispering): I think the question we _should _be asking is what's wrong with _you_, Courtney dear. I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Your mother and I have been watching the show since episode 1. We always want to support you in your excursions, you see, however ill-advised. Your joining of this competition was no different. So we've tuned in to Cartoon Network every Tuesday night, and watched every episode. For you, Courtney. We've _sacrificed _for you. We've _suffered _for you. We've even sat through nonstop commercials of "_Uncle Grandpa_" for you! But what we've witnessed has been quite disappointing. We've seen you backstab, lie, cheat, and steal. This would all be okay if you won in the end, but you haven't! And you've had three chances to do so! Do you realize how bad it is for my marketing deals when everyone knows how much you suck? You're a nationally known failure! Frankly, I am ashamed to be your father. Looking at you, I feel like I've failed as a parent. Why would I spend so much money on all those martial arts lessons, just for you to go and get your ass handed to you by Tyler?

Courtney: *sigh*… I admit I've done some things I'm not proud of. But I'm your daughter! Aren't you supposed to love me either way?

Courtney's Dad: That's true… But as far as I'm concerned, you're no longer my daughter anymore. (With that, he strides over to the stands and sits down, before whipping out an iPhone and fiddling with it. Courtney sighs, and walks over to sit down at the other end of the stands. Trent, meanwhile, is watching Courtney's dad with his teeth clenched.)

Chris: Umm… as much as I love heated family drama, that was just downright uncomfortable to experience. (His face breaks his into a grin.) That makes it even better! Isn't this fun?

Izzy: Yeah! Me next! Me next! Izzy is great at making people uncomfortable!

Chris: Well, you certainly permeate my nightmares. You know, speaking of which, I happened to have a very odd dream recently, Izzy. Very odd indeed.

Izzy: Ooo! Was it the dream where you're walking through a forest where all the trees are penises?

Chris: No, it wasn't that dream. (He pauses.) Wait, how the hell do you know about that?

Izzy: It was an educated guess. I mean, if Chris Mclean were to have one dream, what would it be about? It would probably be a dream about walking through a forest where all the trees are penises.

Chris: Eh, you're probably right. But no. I haven't had that dream in weeks. (He sighs, and a single tear rolls down his cheek.) I miss it so much… No, this dream was quite different. You want me to give you a brief synopsis? Well, it involved me being woken up in the middle of the night, and being tied up and gagged. I was then stuffed into a backpack, strapped to fifty high-power rockets, and launched into the air, all the while crying and screaming, before landing somewhere in the middle of the woods in a burning wreckage, and having to spend the rest of the night crawling back to camp. It certainly didn't help that the Sasquatchanawkwa was making repeated attempts to rape me the entire time. (He shrugs.) Hey, at least it was just a dream. (He turns to Izzy, his teeth clenched and his eyes narrowed.) _Right? Just a dream? Just an extremely vivid dream? _

Izzy (nervously): Heh heh… yep. (Chris nods.)

Chris: Good. Let's just hope I don't have a dream like that again. Or someone is getting put back in solitary confinement, for a very long time. You hear me?

Izzy: I was just trying to help Sasquatchanawkwa out, you know. He's just looking for somebody to love. But he's really shy. Sometimes he needs the girl to land in a crumpled heap at his feet for him to even consider making a move—

Chris: YOU HEAR ME?! SOLITARY CONFINEMENT! (Izzy stops talking.) Good. Now, speaking of cold, desolate, claustrophobia-inducting situations, let's get back to the loved ones! Izzy, we ran into a real snag with you. After you wrote "Kim Jong Un" on your paper, we had to go find a replacement.

Izzy: What's wrong with old Kimmie boy? We're BBLP's! Best Bomb-Loving Psychos!

Chris: I'm pretty sure you're half the reason he is trying so hard to develop nukes for his country in the first place. Anyways, we were not able to get him on the show.

Izzy: Darn shame. So who do I get to have fun with instead?

Chris: That's where we ran into trouble. You see, we tried to track down members of your family, to see if we could find a single person who could come to the island. But, believe it or not, we couldn't. We traced everywhere, but never found a single person who you had any connection to. (He pauses.) Well, except for this one guy, who we found living in a run-down apartment in the middle of Los Angeles. But when we mentioned your name to him, he screamed and pointed a gun at us, hurled himself out the window, landed four stories below in a dumpster, pulled himself out, and sprinted off into the night, begging Satan to spare him.

Izzy: Ha! Classic Uncle Dave.

Chris: Anyways, as far as the records are concerned, you are not related to anyone. I'm not going to even try to wonder why that is. Next, we tried finding anyone from your childhood that may have possibly known you. However, none of them were in a mentally stable enough condition to come. I don't want to find out why that is either. So we had to get you someone you didn't know. But not to worry! He's a professionally trained, high quality youth mentor. He will be just as comforting and caring as any loved one would be, if not more. He cost quite a bit of money, too. But I was willing to sacrifice my automatic, electric butt massager to do it! Because that's the kind of generous host that I am! Bring him out, Chef! (Chef opens the door to the bus, reaches inside, and pulls out a fat, middle-aged man wearing nothing but a trash bag. He has a bottle of booze clutched firmly in his hand, and he is obviously intoxicated.)

Gwen: Chris, that's not a youth mentor. I'm pretty sure you kidnapped that guy out of a dumpster for free.

Chris: That is an unfair judgment, Gwen. You don't know he's homeless.

Gwen: He's wearing a trash bag!

Chris: So? Maybe it's his way of expressing himself! He's being unique! (He points to the man behind him.) If anything, this guy is an inspiration! (Suddenly, the hobo lets out a loud belch, before falling forward and landing spread-eagled on the ground, unconscious.)

Noah (sarcastically): Wow. I'm feeling so inspired all of a sudden.

Courtney: Really, Chris? Is this how cheap you've actually become?

Chris: Okay, so _maaaybe_ I wasn't so willing to part ways with my automatic, electric butt massager.

Katie: What the actual f**k is an electric butt massager anyway? It sounds like the creepiest invention of all time.

Chris: It's not! It feels great! I tell you, being a host really tightens up the muscles in your glutes. You have to be able to unwind.

Noah: Well, I hope while you get your ass groped by a machine, you can take a moment to think about how much of a dick you are. (He turns to Izzy.) I'm sorry Chris did this, Izzy,

Izzy: I'm not! THIS IS AWESOME! (She sprints over to the unconscious hobo, and slings him over her shoulder.) We can have SO much fun together!

Chris: See? Izzy's happy. And my butt is as well. Everybody wins. (He glances over at Izzy, who is now spinning the homeless man on her finger like a basketball.) Well, except for that guy.

**Confession Cam**

**Chris: I just want to say that, for the record, just because I own an electric butt massager, does NOT mean that I'm some sort of "materialistic person". It hurts my feelings when people accuse me of something like that. That's not me! The people that really know me are aware of how selfless and compassionate I am. I'm a giver, plain and simple. (Suddenly, Chris sneezes. He reaches into his pocket.) Excuse me for a second… (He takes out a one hundred dollar bill and blows his nose with it.) **

**Izzy: All right! I've always wanted to be friends with a real life hobo! And I can tell this guy's got major experience on the job. He's probably lived in that dumpster his whole life. You can just tell. He's got all the qualities of an awesome hobo: having a severe addiction to alcohol, wearing no underwear, constantly being in a state of semi-consciousness so that you never quite know whether or not he's alive… could you ask for anything better? This guy isn't a hobo… he's a ho-PRO! Nah, that just makes it sound as if he's an experienced prostitute. (She suddenly gasps in excitement.) Speaking of which, just think of all the STDs he must have! Maybe we can trade! This'll be great! **

**End of Confessionals **

Chris: Isn't this fun? We've already witnessed four absolutely beautiful moments between family members.

Gwen: How? We've seen a psycho grandmother crash a bus into the arena, a naked old man mistake the wrong guy as his grandson, a father pretty much disown his own daughter, and a homeless man pass out from most likely an overdose in front of us.

Chris: Yeah… when I say "beautiful", I mean "beautiful for ratings". Next up, we have Geoff. Any guesses as to who your loved one could be, Geoff? (Geoff starts to speak, but Chris cuts him off.) Tony the Tiger doesn't actually exist, bro.

Geoff: Ha! That's a funny one, dude. I know Tony the Tiger doesn't exist. I'm not an idiot.

Chris: Well, who do you think your loved one is, then?

Geoff: Duh! It _has _to be the Lucky Charms Leprechaun!

Chris: He doesn't exist either.

Geoff: Ha! Good one, dude! What a jokester. (He notices Chris is looking at him sternly. Geoff stops smiling.) Wait… what? (His eyes widen in shock.) No… you can't be serious… NO! (He collapses face first in the ground, and begins heaving with sobs.)

Chris: I think that might be a bit of an overreaction. (Geoff lifts his head up, tears streaming down his face.)

Geoff: Not true, dude! That guy was my idol! I refuse to believe he isn't real!

Chris: Sorry, Geoff, but Leprechauns don't exist. Just like unicorns, the Lochness monster, and my sex life. Besides, the whole concept of the Lucky Charms ads is completely unrealistic, anyway. I mean, an adult male getting chased by children? It's always been the other way around! (Noticing everyone staring at him, he stutters.) Um, not like I would know anything about that. (He nods at Geoff.) You just need to accept the truth. Think of it like the time your parents told you Santa wasn't real.

Geoff: Wait… SANTA ISN'T REAL?! (His sobs grow even louder.)

Chris: *sigh*… I probably should've seen that one coming.

Geoff: So you're telling me that everyone has been lying to me my WHOLE CHILDHOOD?! That everything I KNOW is a lie?! What is this world?! Are we even HERE?! (He grabs at his face.) AM I EVEN **REAL**? (Bridgette runs over and shakes him frantically.)

Bridgette: Geoff! Snap out of it! This is not worth having an existential crisis over! (Geoff sniffles, and wipes at his eyes.)

Geoff: I know, Bridge… but… Santa _has _to be real… he _has _to be! How do you explain the fat man with a long beard and a red jumpsuit who came to visit my bedroom every night when I was younger and read stories to me? What's the reason for that?

Chris: Insufficient locks on your house's doors, obviously. (He sighs.) I'm sorry, buddy. But it's the truth.

Geoff: Okay, I can deal with Santa, because admittedly, the dude was a little creepy. But I was really looking forward to seeing that Leprechaun!

Chris: Honestly, it's better this way. When you really think about it, who would you rather come visit you? The Lucky Charms Leprechaun, a sinister ploy used by marketing teams to brainwash you into buying countless boxes of cereal with little to no regard for the nutrition facts? Or someone like your mom, who nurtured and cared for you for the first 18 years of your life, loved you with all her heart, and kept you alive despite your obvious mental difficulties?

Geoff: CAN MY **MOM** TAKE MY TASTE BUDS ON A MAGICAL RIDE OVER THE RAINBOW?! I DON'T THINK SO!

Chris: Your mom loves you, Geoff. And that is more important. She loves you more than anyone in the entire world. She wants nothing more than for you to have a successful, happy life.

Noah: I guess that's why she was too lazy to tell him about the non-existence of Santa Claus, thus turning him into a perpetually immature man-child who would one day have a mental breakdown the moment he learned the truth.

Chris: You're ruining the moment, Noah! (He nods at Geoff.) Don't listen to him. Your mom has devoted her life to making you the man you are today, Geoff. She'll care about you more than any cereal mascot ever will. More than Toucan Sam. More than Cap'n Crunch. More than that racially insensitive Jamaican cinnamon stick from the Apple Jacks commercials. More than all of them.

Geoff: …R-really?

Chris: Of course. And just think of how proud she'd be to see you here now, a fully grown man, competing in a soulless, shallow reality competition. I think she's gonna be pretty proud, Geoff. And you should feel proud too. (Slowly, Geoff starts to smile.)

Geoff: You're right, dude! There are more important things than cereal! Like family! Like my mom! Because she loves me more than anyone in the world! And I love her! (He grows excited.) I can't wait to see her any longer! Bring her out! (There is silence. Chris frowns.)

Chris: Umm… what do you mean? (Geoff scrunches up his eyebrows.)

Geoff: Dude… my mom? Is she here, or what?

Chris: Umm, well… no. She was too busy grocery shopping for cereal. So I guess cereal _is_ more important than family. (He shakes his head.) Man, that was not good timing. (Geoff sighs.)

Geoff: I get it, dude. So who's here for me instead? (Chris smiles.)

Chris: Don't get too depressed, because we've got a real treat for you, Geoff. Someone I know you're VERY close with.

Geoff: Who is it? Who is it? (He jumps up and down in excitement.)

Chris: It's…the one… the only… JEFF! (Everyone frowns, except for Geoff, who cheers wildly at the news.)

Bridgette: Umm… what? You're saying Geoff's loved one is HIMSELF? (Chris shakes his head.)

Chris: Not at all. Everybody say hello to Jeff! (Suddenly, someone appears in the doorway to the tour bus, surrounded by shadows. He then takes a step down onto the ground, letting the light shine onto him. Everyone gasps. There, standing before them, is an exact copy of Geoff, straight down to the pink shirt. He smiles and waves at everyone.)

Jeff: What's up, dudes? I'm Jeff! Geoff's twin brother! (He is cut off as Geoff sprints over and embraces him, whooping in joy.)

Geoff: HELL YEAH! Good to have you here, dude!

Jeff: I wouldn't miss it for the world, bro. (They fist bump, and grin at the rest of the campers, who are flabbergasted.)

Bridgette: Wait… what? Are you kidding me? You've had a twin brother this entire time? Is there a reason we've never heard about this? EVER? (Geoff shrugs.)

Geoff: I didn't really think it was important.

Bridgette: An _identical twin_ is important, Geoff!

Geoff: So? Lots of things are important. Like ice cream. And boobs.

Jeff: And boobs made out of ice cream.

Geoff: Dude! You are a genius! Why is that not a thing? (He sighs.) Jeff has such great ideas.

Courtney: Speaking of terrible ideas, were your parents coke-heads, or what? Why would they name both of you Geoff?

Geoff: Silly girl. We aren't both named Geoff! Our parents knew exactly what they were doing! He's _**Jeff**_. (He points to himself.) And I'm _**Geoff**_! Is that not genius?

Cody: Umm… what's the difference?

Jeff: You spell my name the normal way, and you spell his name… well… the not-so-normal way. (He nods.) If anyone was on cocaine, it was the guy who invented the name "Geoff". Why is there an "o"? Why? There's no reason for there to be an "o"! (He begins breathing heavily, grabbing at his hair in frustration.)

Trent (pointing to Jeff): Um… is he okay?

Geoff: Yeah. (He pats Jeff on the back lovingly.) It's just a very touchy subject with him. (Jeff takes a deep breath, and regains his composure.)

Jeff: I'm alright. Don't worry about me. (He grins at Geoff.) You look good, Jeff!

Geoff: Say! You're looking great too, Geoff! I love your shirt!

Lindsay: Aww… it's sooo nice to see the brothers compliment each other!

Noah: Either that, or they're both just complimenting themselves in the third person. And I have a sneaking suspicion that's the case. (Meanwhile, Geoff and Jeff are now reminiscing together.)

Geoff: Man, Jeff and I have so many memories… we've pretty much been BFF's since we were born!

Jeff: Before that, dude. Remember when we were in the womb together?

Geoff: Oh yeah! Now _that _was a party. It was like a really squishy, wet mosh pit!

Jeff: Or remember when we were both one sperm, traveling through our mom's Fallopian tube?

Geoff: Dude! How could I forget? It was like a roller coaster ride! (He sighs.) Good times…

Katie: Yeah right. Like you guys actually remember that stuff.

Geoff: It's true! Geoff and I—sorry, _**Jeff **_and I are as close as it gets! We're practically inseparable!

Jeff: Actually, we literally **were **inseparable, remember? The doctor had to cut us apart from one another, because our penises were accidentally connected when we came out. (Geoff cringes.)

Geoff: Yeah. I remember that. That was kind of awkward. (He grins at everyone.) So now you guys know Jeff.

Gwen: And have you two always worn the exact same outfit?

Geoff (his brow scrunched): Not usually... What's up with that, dude? (Jeff shrugs, chuckling.)

Jeff: I just thought it'd be funnier if we were wearing the exact same clothes, too. Now we're perfectly identical! Nobody could even tell us apart, if we didn't want them to!

Geoff: Heh heh. That _is_ pretty funny. But why would we want that? (Jeff shrugs.)

Jeff: No reason. Remember when we pretended to be each other for five years? And our parents believed us?

Geoff: Oh yeah! And when we told mom, she had a mental breakdown and had to go to therapy for an entire year, because she thought she was an awful parent! (He sighs, grinning.) Now _that _was a party.

Jeff: Word, brother! WOOHOO! (Geoff grins, and hollers back at him.)

Geoff: WOOOOHOOOO! (The two then put their arms around one another.)

Geoff and Jeff: **WOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**

**Confession Cam**

**Bridgette: Geoff is a great guy, don't get me wrong. Even if he may be a bit dumb sometimes, it's somewhat endearing, you know? But spending time with two of him? You better hope you come away from the experience with any remnant of your IQ still intact.**

**Noah: Great. Now that there are 2 Geoffs, both of my ears get to be deaf. (He rolls his eyes, and sarcastically throws up his hand.) Woohoo. **

**Geoff (from outside): Did I just here a "woohoo"? **

**Jeff: I think you just did, brother! Let us respond to the call of our people! **

**Noah: No no no—(Suddenly, Geoff and Jeff stick their heads through the windows on either side of Noah.) **

**Geoff and Jeff (yelling right into Noah's ears): WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Noah collapses on the floor, clutching his ears in agony. Geoff and Jeff stop, and stare down at him.) **

**Geoff: Dude. Is he dead? **

**Noah: No, I'm not dead! I'm just suffering from major hearing loss—**

**Jeff: He's not dead! **

**Geoff: Yes! This calls for a party! WOOOOHOOOOOO—**

**(Static)**

**Noah: I'm pretty sure that was actual ear rape. I swear, they literally just penetrated my ear drums by force with their voices. I actually feel physically abused. **

**(Static)**

**Geoff: Dude! I'm so psyched to have my twin brother here! And I'm sure everyone is just as stoked as I am. **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: Okay, now that we've locked Geoff and his twin in a soundproof glass box, let's continue. Trent, are you ready? (Trent, who was sitting next to Grandpa Ezekiel with his shoulders slumped, perks up.)

Trent: Yes! I've been waiting eagerly for so long! I can't wait any longer!

Chris: Well, then here you go. I don't want to deny you. Are you sure you're ready, Trent? (Trent nods enthusiastically.) Then come on out, Bridgette's uncle! (A man wearing a surfer's wetsuit, with a rugged face and long gray hair, steps out of the bus, and smiles warmly at everyone.)

Bridgette: Oh my gosh! You made it! (She runs up and hugs him.)

Trent: What? That's not my loved one!

Chris: I know. I never classified what it was that you were ready for. I was actually just asking if you were ready to see Bridgette greet her loved one.

Trent: Why would you do that?

Chris: Cause I'm a troll. (He grins sideways at the camera, very amused with himself. Trent goes back to slumping his shoulders, as Grandpa Ezekiel pats him on the back. Meanwhile, Bridgette beckons to the man standing next to her.)

Bridgette: Everyone, this is my Uncle Dave. He's my best friend and a surfing guru. (Uncle Dave shrugs sheepishly.)

Uncle Dave: I wouldn't go _that _far, Bridge.

Bridgette: It's true! You—

Chris: Wait, now hold on a second. This is a really important question. Is there a single uncle who's name _isn't _Dave? I swear, everyone has at least one Uncle Dave.

Trent: I don't.

Chris: And that's why everyone hates you, Trent. (Uncle Dave shrugs.)

Uncle Dave: Dave's a catchy name, I guess.

Grandpa Ezekiel: NOT AS CATCHY AS EZEKIEL! (Uncle Dave stares at him.)

Uncle Dave: Uhh… yeah. Of course. (He turns to Bridgette and smiles.) So how are you?

Bridgette: I'm alright. I really miss home, though. How are the waves back at our favorite beach? (Uncle Dave sighs.)

Uncle Dave: They've been pretty weak, Bridgette. I think it's because you haven't been there with us. When you're out there on the water, it's like the sea comes alive or something. The gnarliest waves always seem to arrive when you go with us. And everyone knows that you ride those bad boys better than anyone. (He pauses, and cringes.) I probably should've phrased that last sentence differently.

Bridgette: It's alright, uncle. I get what you mean. But it's not true. You and I both know you're the best when it comes to surfing!

Uncle Dave: I'm getting old, Bridgette. I'm not the surfer I once was. You're only getting better. I swear, you could be a professional one day.

Bridgette: You really think so?

Uncle Dave: I _know _so. (Bridgette smiles, and hugs him again.)

Bridgette: Thanks, Uncle Dave. So how are—(Suddenly, she and Uncle Dave are shoved out of the way by Chris.)

Chris: Okay, enough hogging the spotlight with your fairly pleasant but extremely boring dialogue exchange. We've got more exploitation to get to! Noah, it's your turn. Are you excited to see who your loved one is?

Noah: No, because there is no such thing as a "loved" one with me. There are people who I consider "mildly okay". But that's as high as I'll go.

Chris: What about me, Noah? Don't you love me?

Noah: I'd certainly love it if you disappeared forever.

Chris: I'm going to pretend you didn't say that. All right, let's not waste any time. Noah, we have a wonderful surprise for you. Chef, go get the surprise! (Chef nods, and walks into the tour bus.)

Noah: Oh no. Anything involving a surprise and Chef is probably going to end with a rape of some variety.

Chris: I can understand why you would think that, but that's not the case this time. You're going to absolutely love it! (Suddenly, the sound of a baby crying fills the air.)

Noah: Based on that noise alone, I guarantee I won't. (Chef then steps out of the tour bus, rocking a tan newborn baby in his arms.)

Chris: Meet your loved one, Noah!

Izzy: OMG, Noah's a FATHER?!

Noah: No I'm not!

Izzy: OMG, Noah's a MOTHER?!

Noah: I'm not that either! What is this?!

Chris: It's your new brother, Noah! You now have 11 siblings!

Noah: And 10 wasn't enough?!

Chris: Obviously not. And guess what? He's fresh out of the womb, too! Just two weeks old! Chef, why don't you let Noah hold him? (Before Noah can protest, Chef places the baby in the bookworm's arms. Immediately, the baby stops crying, and snuggles up against Noah's chest.)

Lindsay: Aww, look! He loves Noah already!

Gwen: Or maybe he's just really afraid of Chef. That's probably more likely. (Noah stares down at the baby in his arms, speechless. Chris slowly walks up behind Noah, and places a loving hand on his shoulder, as he gazes down at the baby with him.)

Chris: Isn't he beautiful, Noah? Look at him. He is so pure, so innocent. So angelic. Just beginning the beautiful journey we call life. I really can't think of anything that's more breathtaking than holding a newborn baby. As you experience this awe-inspiring moment, what are you thinking? Please, tell the audience your thoughts. (He beckons to the camera man who is standing next to them. Noah looks down at the baby for a moment longer, before looking up the camera, scowling.)

Noah: It's called a condom, dad! You're fifty years old! You might want to consider figuring out how to use one! (He shakes his head.) I mean, come on. We were putting them on bananas in eighth grade. Can you grow a little common sense for once in your life?

Chris: *gasp* Noah! That is such a rude thing to say!

Noah: What? I'm just voicing my opinion on the matter. And my opinion is that my dad obviously either doesn't know how to open the package or thinks he's supposed to put them on his feet like socks.

Chris: But… the newborn beauty… the innocence! Does that mean nothing to you?

Noah: Yeah, the kid's great, you're a pedophile, whatever. The point is, my parents should've stopped long ago with the whole "kid" thing. They shouldn't need an alphabetically listed index when referring to their children! That's when you know it's time to stop!

Chris: So are you saying that you feel your parents neglect you and your siblings, Noah?

Noah: Chris, they just sent me a child they've literally had for two weeks, so they could have more free time, which they will most likely spend having more unprotected sex in my empty bedroom.

Chris: Well, maybe you can see this as an opportunity. The least you could is try and bond with your new brother. I bet he's smart, just like you. Maybe you two could have some interesting intellectual debates!

Noah: What would we talk about?! Which breast is better for sucking on?

Chris: Left. Definitely left. It's always sweeter on the left. (There is a long, awkward silence of at least a minute.) Umm… just in case you were wondering.

Noah: I wasn't. Anyways, speaking of which, how am I supposed to feed this thing?

Chris: You've got two nipples, don't you?

Noah: That's not biologically correct.

Chris: The Noco fics would beg to differ. Anyways, you're a smart guy. I'm sure you'll figure it out.

Noah: But-

Chris: No buts! Unless you're complimenting me on my wonderful butt chin. Then you may use the word.

Noah: But seriously, the baby needs—

Chris: DO YOU WANT ME TO LOCK YOU IN THERE?! (Chris points at the giant glass sound box that Geoff and Jeff are being kept in, as they both chat away to one another. Noah falls silent. Chris nods with approval.)

Chris: Didn't think so. (Meanwhile, Trent walks up behind Noah, and places a hand on his shoulder, grinning maliciously.)

Trent: You know, that baby really suits you. You make a great housewife, Noah. (He chuckles.) It's the perfect job for someone as incompetent as you are.

Noah: Don't you have some number to be masturbating to?

Trent: Ha! You obviously aren't very perceptive, are you? In case you didn't know, today's Tuesday.

Noah: So?

Trent: You should know that I always look at number porn on Wednesdays!

Courtney: You do WHAT?! (Trent frantically turns around to face her, and stutters nervously.)

Trent: I said, um, watch… erm… cucumber… storms? Yeah. Cucumber storms! (He points to the distance, where there are clouds gathering.) Looks like there's a cucumber storm blowing in from that direction. It seems to be a big one, too. (Courtney stares at him for a long time.)

Courtney: Now I'm almost hoping that you actually did say "number porn". (Courtney's dad is shakes his head, still occupied with his iPhone.)

Courtney's Dad: You know, hanging out with boys like this isn't winning you any points, darling. (Courtney glares at Trent, and turns away from him with her arms crossed. Trent sighs.)

Trent: Man, what am I doing wrong? I try to treat Courtney in the nicest way possible, but I always seem to screw things up. Her dad being here is just gonna put all the more pressure on me to act like a good boyfriend. What should I do?

Noah: I'm sorry, are you seriously asking me for relationship advice right now?

Trent: Yes. Yes I am.

Noah: Sorry, but I can't help. I'm just an incompetent housewife. Darn shame. (He shrugs.) Looks like our boy Trent will have to go back to humping calculators. (Suddenly, Trent leans down right next to him, and begins viciously whispering in his ear.)

Trent: Listen, punk, and listen well. I want you to cut it with your whole "cool kid" attitude. There's room for only one bad boy on this island, and it's gonna be me. You may think you can weasel your way into our alliance and take over, but I'm still calling the shots. And right now, I've got the target trained on your incredibly gigantic forehead. Pretty easy target, wouldn't you say? You better do exactly what I say, or you _will _go home. So when I ask you for relationship advice, you better give it. OR ELSE.

Noah: Okay, I've got some advice. Maybe you should start by not being a dick who blackmails people.

Trent: I'm not blackmailing you.

Noah: Then what are you doing?

Trent: I'm black-_Trenting _you.

Noah: And what the f**k is that?

Trent: It's blackmail with style. And I have no idea why you're accusing _me _of being a dick. My head may be somewhat cylindrically shaped, but _you're _the only figurative penis on this island.

Noah: Trent, enough with the petty insults. I'm going to be entirely honest with you. You don't stand a chance with Courtney.

Trent: And what makes you say that?!

Noah: Because a person named Duncan exists.

Trent: *gasp* How dare you bring up the D word in my presence! (He crosses his arms.) And Courtney doesn't care about that jerk anymore. She has higher standards.

Noah: Yes, she certainly has to be very high to consider dating you. Let's face it, Trent: she's just waiting to dump you for that guy. I'd say your days are numbered. Just like your porn.

Trent: You don't know what you're talking about! Duncan is old news. I'm the bad boy in these parts. And it's going to stay that way. YOU HERE ME?! I'M THE BAD BOY! (With that, he gallops away.)

**Confession Cam**

**Trent: Did you like my gallop there? Pretty damn sexy, huh? I practiced that for a while. (He shakes his head.) Noah doesn't know what he's talking about. I'm not worried about Duncan. (Suddenly, there's a knock on the door.) **

**Tyler (from outside): Yo, dude, you almost done with the can in there? **

**Trent: DUNCAN?! WHERE?! AHHH! (He crashes through the wall of the Confessional as he sprints out of it, leaving a hole in the shape of his running body.) **

**(Static)**

**Trent: Okay, so maybe I'm still a bit paranoid when it comes to Duncan. I mean, the dude pretty much stole everything that mattered to me. But I **_**know**_** I'm better than Duncan! It's pretty easy, really. He's one of the most pompous, self-obsessed douchebags ever! And I'm nothing like that. (He glances over at the hole his body previously made in the wall of the Confessional. He lets out a low whistle.) Damn. Looking at this outline of my body, I just realized that I seriously have a great physique. It's all about those broad shoulders. Ladies love the broad shoulders. **

**End of Confessionals **

Chris: Yes they do, Trent, yes they do. (He grins, and pats his shoulders with pride. Everyone stares at him.)

Courtney's Dad: What are you talking about?

Chris: Sorry, I was just referring to Trent's confessional. The ladies love the broad shoulders. I would know, as I am a lady—no wait, I mean I have broad shoulders! (He smacks his head.) Stupid English! Anyways, we've got just a few more loved ones to get to. And here's where things get interesting. I'm going to enjoy these next ones. Katie, do you think you know who's in that bus, as we speak? (Katie sighs.)

Katie: Yeah. I think I know. Let's just get it over with.

Chris: Aw, but that wouldn't be fun, would it? I truly love friendship, don't you? (Katie is now looking very uncomfortable. She scowls, gritting her teeth.)

Katie: _Get on with it, Christopher_. (Chris is now fully smirking.)

Chris: Yeah… having a bestie is really great... someone that you can hang out with constantly… and wear _matching outfits_… and talk about boys… boys that are terrified of you because you're constantly together like two loud, annoying, lesbian dolphins… good times, huh?

Katie: Sounds like you and Chef. (Chris stops smirking.)

Chris: That one hurt, Katie. All right, let's not keep them apart any longer. Come on out, Sadie! (Everyone covers their ears as an ear-splitting squeal shatters all of the windows of the bus. Sadie runs out, jumping up and down in excitement. She runs over to Chris and glomp-hugs him.)

Sadie: OMG, Chris, thank you SO MUCH for letting me come! THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVEERRRRRRR! (She squeals again, before tossing Chris out of the way into the bushes and running over to the contestants.) Where is she?! (She looks around, but Katie is nowhere to be seen.) Katie? Are we playing hide-and-seek? (Chris, meanwhile, is getting up out of the bushes, leaves in his hair, when he notices Katie crouched in the bushes next to him, trying to hide. He chuckles.)

Chris: Now what do we have here?

Katie: Shh! Please don't tell her where I am! I'll give you anything!

Chris: That doesn't seem very fair to Sadie, does it? (He calls over to Sadie.) Hey, Sadie! I found h—(He is cut off as Sadie barrels right through him as she sprints over to Katie, squealing like a psychopath. Before Katie can protest, she is wrapped up in Sadie's arms, as Sadie cheers.)

Sadie: KAAAAAAATTTTTTIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE! (Katie tries to force a smile, gritting her teeth.)

Katie: Sadie! Great to see you! It's been a long time, hasn't it? (Sadie is now in hysterics, tears streaming down her face.)

Sadie: KAAAAATTTIIIIIIEEEEEE!

Katie: Yes. That's my name. (Sadie now is practically having a seizure, her arms flailing madly from pure joy.)

Sadie: KAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (Katie pushes Sadie off.)

Katie: Okay, it hasn't been that long! Calm down! Do you realize how pathetic this is? You're acting like a Belieber on acid! Get a grip! (Sadie stops crying, and stares at her, confused.)

Sadie: Huh? (Katie chuckles nervously.)

Katie: Umm… I mean, "eeeeee"?

Sadie: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (She claps, before finally letting go of Katie.) Oh my gosh, it feels soooo good to do that. Nobody else at the Playa de Losers ever wanted to eeeeee with me! Well, except for Sierra. But her "eeeeee"'s were _lame_. You're still the best at it, as always!

Katie (sarcastically): Hooray for me. They might as well just accept me into Harvard now.

Sadie: OMG, do they do that?! THAT'S INCREDIBLE! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Katie (covering her ears): Okay, I get it! It's your favorite vowel! (She places a hand on Sadie's shoulder.) How about we go sit down, and be a little quieter?

Sadie: OMG, I LOVE sitting!

Katie: Let's start with the "quieter" thing right now.

Sadie: Hold on, I almost forgot! We need to take a pic to remember the occasion! The moment we reunited after many long days! (She whips out her phone, and tosses it to Noah.) Can you take a picture, Noah?

Noah (smirking): If you insist. (Cradling the baby in one arm, he walks over in front of Katie and Sadie, with the phone held up in the other hand. Sadie immediately wraps her arm around Katie, and holds up her two fingers in a peace sign. Noah smirks even wider.)

Noah: Wow. Look at you too. This is just too cute. You guys could be sisters! You've got the matching outfits and everything! Katie, can you stop flipping me off? Thanks.

Katie (through gritted teeth): You're going to regret this, you little dweeb.

Noah: And I'm going to have to ask that you smile. This is a special occasion, after all. And you and Sadie are _such good friends_. (Slowly, the sides of Katie's mouth begin to twitch, and she forces them upwards in a very crooked smile. Noah smiles.) All right… that looks good. On the count of three, I want you to say "BFF's"! 1…2… 3…

Sadie: BFF's!

Katie: F**k you. (Noah snaps the picture.)

**Confession Cam**

**Katie: This is terrible. Sadie was someone I was trying make sure that everyone forgot about. But now nobody's going to take me seriously in any strategic discussions if they begin remembering what I was like back when I was friends with her! Did you see how amused f**king Noah was by all this? How am I going to get him in the alliance now? I need to find a way to ditch Sadie, and quick. Maybe I should take her over to the bear cave again. **

**Sadie: OMG, I remember that! That was soooo scary! (Katie jumps in her seat, as she notices Sadie sitting right next to her.) **

**Katie: What are you doing in here?! **

**Sadie: We ALWAYS confess together! Remember? You confess something, and then I confess something. Okay, my turn. I like Justin's butt. (Katie storms out of the confessional. Sadie frowns, and calls after her.) You can like Justin's butt too! He has two cheeks, after all! **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris (looking at his phone): Ooo! I love the new pic on your FaceBook wall, Sadie. I think I'll just share it with all of my friends.

Katie (giving him the evil eye): You will burn in hell, Chris Mclean.

Chris: I can deal with that. I've been needing to work on my tan, anyway. (He glances down at the screen of his phone.) Hey, what do you know? Someone else just liked the picture as well! And they're about to show up, in a few seconds! This next loved one is also a previous Total Drama contestant. We're developing quite the family here, aren't we?

Trent: Or you're just way too cheap to bother paying the airfare of twelve loved ones when you can just send over people from the Playa de Losers for free.

Chris: I'm trying to save up for a second electric butt massager, okay?

Courtney: Why in god's name would you need two?

Chris: Why in god's name not?

Grandpa Ezekiel: I don't get why ya need an electric butt massager, anyways. If you want, I can just massage your butt for you, eh! Free of charge!

Chris: Now I'm glad I brought my taser to work today. Besides, I will probably be needing it for this next person. This former Total Drama contestant is female. I think. Partially. Anyway, she's an admin on the Total Drama Wiki, has a collection of undergarments stolen from almost every single contestant, and knows more about Cody's body than he knows himself… it's SIERRA!

Cody: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (With a squeal of joy, Sierra sprints out of the bus, and immediately falls to the ground, licking it like a starving, crazed monkey. Chris jumps out of the way.)

Chris: Whoa! What the heck are you doing? (Sierra takes a deep breath, and stands up.)

Sierra: Sorry. I just really had to taste the soil of Wawanakwa Island again. It's so delish! (She beams at Chris, and hugs him.) Chris! Your skin cells look so much healthier since the last time I saw you. Have you gone back to your nightly skin moisturizing rituals at approximately 8:13 pm?

Chris: Eh, I've just been getting better sleep lately.

Sierra: Good! Have you been having the "forest of penises" dream a lot? I know that one's your favorite!

Chris: Does everyone just assume that I have that dream? Is my personality that obvious?

Sierra: No, I actually just entered your subconscious while you were sleeping.

Chris: Okay, this conversation has gone from "creepily endearing" to "you need to get out of my personal space in about five seconds before I lock you up". (Sierra nods, and runs over to the contestants.)

Sierra: Hi, guys! Man, it feels soooooo amazing to see you all! You've all changed so much! (She looks around at each of them.) Whoa! You've gotten .123 nanometers taller, Ezekiel! And you thought I wouldn't notice? And the atomic structure of your left earlobe looks sturdier than ever, Courtney! (She gasps as she looks over at Katie and Sadie.) And wow, Katie! You've gotten so much fatter and paler since the last time I saw you! (Katie glares at her.)

Katie: That's because THAT'S SADIE! And I'M Katie! (Sierra scratches her head.)

Sierra: Oh yeah. Sorry, I always get you two mixed up. (Katie fumes to herself, as Sierra looks around.) But I have to ask: where's my wonderful Cody?!

Noah: Oh, he sprinted out of the arena about two minutes ago.

Sierra: Then there's not a moment to lose! I'm coming, Cody Wody! (With that, she runs out of the arena. Slowly, Cody peeks up from behind Noah.)

Cody: Is she gone? (He looks around, and lets out a sigh of relief.) Whew. That was far too close. (He glares at Chris.) Come on, dude! You HAD to bring HER back?! I swear I filed a restraining order!

Chris: Maybe so, but it wasn't an _actual _restraining order.

Cody: What do you mean? Of course it was! I had the lawyer and everything!

Chris: Did you see the fine print? I wrote "Sierra may be allowed in the vicinity of Cody in the circumstance that Chris Mclean is super sexy". (Chris checks himself in the mirror.) Yep. Looks like I am.

Cody: You're not allowed to do that!

Chris: I'm not? Oh really? I'm sorry, but I think I know more than you when it comes to restraining orders. (He is silent for a moment.) By the way, does anyone know the address of a woman named Lisa Johnson?

Katie: Why would we know that?

Chris: I don't know. It's no big deal. She's just my ex-girlfriend. Maybe you guys have seen her before. (He holds his hand up next to himself.) She's about yay tall. Has short black hair. Great smile. Oh yeah, and she's also F**KING BITCH WHO WILL SUFFER WHEN I FIND HER. I DID EVERYTHING FOR THAT WHORE! I SLATHERED MY BODY IN CEASAR SALAD DRESSING FOR HER! AND WHAT DOES SHE GIVE ME?! A ONE-WAY TICKET TO SINGLES' NIGHT AT CARL'S JR! THE NERVE OF THAT SLUT! SHE SAID SHE WANTED A REAL MAN?! SO SHE F**KING DUMPS ME FOR THE F**KING SEAGULL WITH THE GODDAMN PLASTIC SODA HOLDER AROUND ITS NECK?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! ****************************************************! (Everyone stares at him. Chris chuckles.) So yeah. I know a thing or two about restraining orders. Heh heh.

Tyler's Grandma: You know, I'm kind of craving some Carl's Jr. now.

Katie: Really? I'm just kind of craving to get the hell out of here before Chris murders us all with a chainsaw.

Chris: Okay, that outburst was a bit too much. Sorry about that. (He shakes his head at Cody.) But sorry, bro. Sierra is here to stay.

Cody: Fine. At least she'll be preoccupied in the meantime searching the entire forest for me. (He pats Noah on the back.) Thanks for helping me hide, by the way. You really saved my butt. (Noah smiles widely at him.)

Noah: No problem. I'd do anything to help a booty as succulent and beautiful as yours. (Cody raises his eyebrows in surprise.)

Cody: Wait… what? Noah? Are you all right? (Noah suddenly grabs Cody's hand, and begins purring into his ear.)

Noah: Cody Jameson Anderson… I love you so much. And I love it when you play hard to get.

Cody: Dude, you're freaking me out here! Why are you acting like this?

Noah (at the other end of the bleachers): Because that's not me, buddy. (Cody suddenly notices that there are two Noahs in the bleachers. The one that most recently spoke sits over across from him, reading a book and cradling the baby in the other arm. Cody looks over at the Noah now reaching his hand into Cody's shirt and salivating with glee.)

Cody: Then… who could this be? (His face grows grim as he reaches his realization.) Oh no. Oh god no. (Suddenly, the Noah next to him smiles.)

Noah: Did my little Cody Wody figure it out? (With a gleeful cackle, he stands up, and reaches behind his head. "Noah" grabs onto a zipper, and pulls it forward, splitting his face in half. He continues to pull it downward until he reaches the bottom, and his skin falls away. There, standing before Cody, is Sierra, looking absolute ecstatic.)

Sierra: Did you like my Noah costume? I hand-stitched it myself. (Cody stares at her for a moment. Then he runs away, screaming for his life. Sierra jumps up, and begins running after him.)

Sierra: Oh, don't be like that, Cody! (She pulls a lollipop out of her shirt.) I have candy! COME BACK! (The two sprint out of the arena, with Cody sobbing and Sierra laughing.)

Chris: I'm betting she catches up with him within fifteen seconds. (He sighs.) Poor Cody. It sucks having a stalker, but being a scrawny wimp who can't run to save his life makes it all the worse. (He glances down at the Noah costume now sitting deflated on the ground.) Now what do we do with this thing?

Noah: Burn it. That is single-handedly the most disturbing thing I've ever seen.

Chris: Why? You should be flattered. I've always wanted a costume of myself. That'd be so stylish!

Gwen: You don't need another one. After all, you're already Satan wearing the costume of a human.

Chris: Eh, you've got a point. (Everyone is terrified to see that he isn't joking.)

**Confession Cam**

**Chris: That scared them, didn't it? They really believed me. But no, I'm not Satan. Even though I really wish I was! He's got some stylish horns. Why can't I have horns like that? And he has that sweet pad down there. I'd totally—(Suddenly, Chef bursts in.)**

**Chef: I just thought I'd inform you that you've had more confessionals than anyone else this chapter. **

**Chris: So? **

**Chef: So GET THE F**K OUT AND LET THE NORMAL HUMANS USE THE TOILET! **

**Chris: But I am Satan! You mortals do not dictate my bathroom time! YOU DO NOT—(He is cut off as Chef hurls him out of the Confessional.)**

**(Static)**

**Izzy (holding up the Noah costume): This is something I've been waiting far too long for. **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris (brushing off the dirt on his elbows): Chef is soooo impatient. All right, we're getting down to the last of the loved ones. (He grins.) This is the one I've been most excited about. (He winks at Gwen.) You know, when you guys filled out the forms for loved ones, things were very different. Geoff and Bridgette were still together. Trent wasn't retarded. The chapters were much shorter. Those were the good old days. (He smiles at Gwen.) But you know what my favorite part of all of that was?

Gwen: I don't know. You had more time to beat off to yourself?

Chris: Well, I did. But no. My favorite part was that there was a certain couple that was going very strong. Happen to know what it was?

Gwen: You and your own pathetic virginity?

Chris: No! I think you know what I'm talking about. It was Gwuncan.

Sadie: OMG, EEEEEEEEEEEEE! GWUNCAN WAS MY **FAVE**! (She continues to squeal and clap, making Katie cover her ears and groan.)

Chris: That's great to hear, Sadie. I'm on the Gwuncan side as well. Ah, Gwuncan. The name make it sounds like some strange species of reptile. Or the medical term for some form of genitalia wart.

Courtney: Or a disgusting pair of Goth demons with no chemistry and no souls.

Chris: Ah, yes. And then there was Courtney. (He chuckles.) If nothing else, the couple of Gwen and Duncan sparked controversy like no other. To put it quite simply, it divided the fanbase. Everyone had to pick a side.

Noah: Yeah. You had the people who gave a crap, and the other 99 percent who didn't.

Chris: No! Everyone cared. Observe! Even the slightest mention of the love triangle can spark instant emotion from anyone. (He turns to Ezekiel.) Ezekiel, which couple do you prefer? (Ezekiel thinks for a long time.)

Ezekiel: It's a tough decision. It really is. But I gotta go with Bella and Edward. They were the original pair, eh. Bella might have more passion with Jacob, and there's no denying them six-pack abs, but you can tell that Edward has more love for her than anyone.

Chris: I'm talking about the Gwen-Duncan-Courtney love triangle! Not the Twilight saga!

Ezekiel: Oh. Then I don't give a crap, eh.

Chris: Okay, so Ezekiel is one outlier. But overall, it was one of the biggest plotlines of season 3.

Bridgette: I'm fairly certain it was the _only _plotline for season 3.

Chris: Not true! Okay, maybe kind of true. But we're getting off topic here. The point is, Gwen and Duncan were once very close. (His eyes glint as he turns to Gwen.) So close, in fact, that when we gave them the loved ones sheet at the beginning of this season, they wrote each others' names, like the crazy lovebirds that they were.

Gwen: Um, no we didn't. I wrote my mom's name, and I'm pretty sure Duncan just asked for a porn magazine.

Chris: Whatever. I know you and Duncan need to work some things out. And I hear he wants nothing more than to be forgived.

Noah: It's "forgiven".

Chris: I'll let you know when I give two sh**s.

Trent: Wait… so what are you suggesting here?

Chris: Oh, I think you know exactly what I'm suggesting. (Trent is silent for a long time. He tries to speak, but instead, a bunch of garbled syllables and letters spill out of his mouth. Then he faints. Chris laughs.)

Chris: That reaction was even better than I expected. Well, I won't keep you guys in suspense any longer. (He beckons towards the tour bus door.) Okay, bro! You can come on out! (There is silence for a moment. Then, slowly, the outline of a Mohawk appears in the shadows. The sunlight catches his piercings for just a moment, before he steps fully out of the bus, and raises his arms in a stretch. He inhales deeply, and smiles.)

Duncan: Ahh… it feels good to be back.

**Ooo! Ending another chapter on a dramatic introduction? How clever! Or lazy. Whatever you want to call it. **

**What does Duncan have up his sleeve? Besides drugs, of course. **

**What challenges are in store for the family members? **

**Will Grandpa Ezekiel finally realize who is his grandson is? **

**Or is he more likely to die by the end of the episode? **

**Which side will Noah ultimately fall on? Will it even make a difference? **

**Does anything we do make ANY difference? Do OUR LIVES HAVE ANY MEANING?! **

**Okay, existential crisis over. More questions. **

**How will Katie and Cody deal with Sadie and Sierra, respectively? **

**Am I really Satan? **

**And will somebody please get Trent a new pair of underwear? **

**It's all here on the next chapter of **

**Total Drama Returns! **

* * *

**Eliminated: Heather, Duncan, Eva, Leshawna, Justin, Sadie, Owen, Sierra, Harold, Beth, Alejandro **

**In Redemption Cabin: DJ**

**The Merged 12: Noah, Katie, Cody, Trent, Lindsay, Tyler, Izzy, Gwen, Courtney, Geoff, Bridgette, Ezekiel**

**NEXT TIME: **After a tour of the island, the loved ones face a reward challenge that tests how well they truly know one another- or risk taking the plunge. Meanwhile, three pairs of loved ones get lost in the woods together… and things get ugly. Fast.


	42. Day 13 Part 3: No Time Like Family Time

**Total Drama Returns**

The Cheesebub's Message: Well, I got this update out in about half the time as the last. Still, that's not very good. Since the summer is in full-swing, I fully expect 1-2 more updates before it's over. No matter how long it takes, this story WILL BE COMPLETED! Anyways, I'm happy to announce that this story has reached 500 reviews, which is pretty damn cool. Thanks to everyone who's read my story, despite the slew of hiatuses. You guys are why I'm going to one day finish it. Speaking of reviews, from now on, with the guest reviews, I'll only respond to the ones that ask me a question. But that doesn't mean I'm not reading and enjoying the ones that don't! Any sort of feedback is greatly appreciated. But please, if you want to know anything, ask away. Funnily enough, nobody asked me any questions this time. Hooray for me. Well then, let's just get right to the chapter then!

* * *

**Day 13 Part 3—Chapter 42: Family Fun and Fourth Wall Bashing**

Duncan: Ahh… it feels good to be back. (He throws his stuff onto the ground, and walks forward, grinning. Everyone stares at him silently. Duncan frowns.) Umm… hello? I was kind of hoping for bit more of an enthusiastic response, people.

Noah: What, do you want us to bow down to you or something?

Duncan: Some applause would be nice.

Courtney: Ha! As if anyone would—(She is cut off by the sound of loud clapping.) Ezekiel, you idiot! Don't actually applaud for him! (Ezekiel continues to clap, much to Courtney's chagrin.)

Ezekiel: Why should I stop? Duncan's awesome, eh. He was part of my revolution! Plus, he's the only man I've ever seen who can make a _unibroo'w _look sexy! You gotta give him props for that, eh.

Duncan: See? Homeschool gets it.

Courtney: Yeah, except for the fact that your unibrow just looks live you've got a giant, disgusting centipede crawling across your forehead!

Duncan: Thanks. I appreciate it. Anyways, it's fine if you don't want to clap for me. But you can still put your hands to good use and make me a sandwich. You know, as a welcoming gift. (He winks at Courtney. Courtney scowls, and grits her teeth.)

Courtney: Oh, I'll put my hands to good use, alright. Punching you in the face, that is! (Duncan chuckles.)

Duncan: Still as animalistic as ever, princess.

Courtney: DON'T CALL ME PRINCESS—(Suddenly, a hand is placed on her shoulder. Looming behind Courtney is her father, staring down at her in disdain.)

Courtney's Dad: You know, every time you fight with that boy on national TV, a little part of me dies. (Courtney falls silent. Grumbling to herself, she walks over and sits down on the bleachers. Duncan nods at Courtney's dad.)

Duncan: 'Sup, Courtney's dad.

Courtney's Dad: Get a job.

Duncan: Good to see you too. (Meanwhile, Trent is slowly opening his eyes, rubbing his head.)

Trent: Man, I just had the weirdest nightmare, guys. Duncan was here! And I almost wet my pants out of terror! (He places his hand on Gwen's shoulder.) Whew. This is an absolute relief.

Gwen: Why are you touching me?

Trent: Hey, Duncan being here would be almost as bad for you as it would be for me. We both have a reason to be happy. (He sighs.) Man, that was too close, though. I was honestly about to burst into tears out of pure shock and fear. Thank god it was only a dream. (He walks over to Duncan, shaking his head.) I tell ya, Duncan. It's times like those that really scare you, you know? Thank god I have people like you here to help comfort me afterwards. Now I can rest assured knowing that Duncan isn't here.

Duncan: No problem. (Trent nods, and smiles at Duncan.)

Trent: Thanks, Duncan. Anyway, while we're on the topic of Duncan, I do have a confession when it comes to him. I hate to say it, but the douche has one hell of a unibrow. Damn, that unibrow is fine.

Duncan: It's all right. I have to say that I agree with you.

Trent: That's reassuring. I thought I was the only one. Say, now that I mention it, you have a very similar unibrow to Duncan. (He reaches out and touches Duncan's unibrow.) Wow! It's just as firm yet soft-to-the-touch as his is. That's incredible. (He reaches downward, and pulls on Duncan's nose ring.) That's a very similar nose ring you've got, too. (He looks down further still, and flicks Duncan's goatee.) And what do you know? You've got that goatee that looks more like a square was just thrown onto your face in the last seconds of the character design process! This is amazing! (He chuckles.) If I didn't know better, I'd say you were Dunc—(He suddenly falls silent. He stares at Duncan for a long time. Then he flies backward, screaming in terror, and lands in Courtney's lap, trembling.)

Trent: You're… you're real! I wasn't imagining it!

Duncan: It's about time you noticed. But thanks for putting your hands all over my face beforehand. I really appreciate it.

Trent: SHUT UP! (He turns to Chris, panicking.) Chris! WHY IS HE HERE?!

Chris: This is loved ones' day, isn't it, Trenton? Duncan is here to see someone very special. (He grins at Gwen, who rolls her eyes at him.)

Trent: Oh no. DUNCAN IS MY LOVED ONE?! **IT'S EVEN WORSE THAN I THOUGHT**!

Chris: I wasn't referring to _you_! You and Duncan are most certainly not each other's loved ones. Well, except for in certain FanFictions that are almost impossible to find but seriously intriguing to read.

Duncan: Okay, first of all, what is all this about loved ones? And second, what have you been doing in your spare time, Mclean?

Chris: I'm not going to answer the second question. But Chef didn't tell you about why you're here?

Duncan: Well, no, seeing as he barged into my room at the resort with a machine gun and shoved me inside of a grocery bag, before stuffing me in the trunk of the bus, all the while humming "Applause" by Lady Gaga to himself. (Chris turns to Chef in shock.)

Chris: Chef Hatchet! Is this true?! (Chef shrugs.)

Chef: Hey, I had to take precautions! I didn't know if he was gonna comply! He's a certified criminal! He blew up your cottage, remember?

Chris: That was Total Drama All-Stars, Chef. Different timeline. (Chef is silent.)

Chef: Oh. I see. (He crosses his arms.) Well, all of these goddamn seasons are the same to me! It was an honest mistake!

Chris: Seriously, do you even realize how that makes no sense? If he blew up this so-called cottage, why would you pick him up from the Playa de Losers, which happens to be the exact same building? Use your brain a little, Chef!

Chef: Huh? What was that? All I heard was "I'm a little bitch who reads the Total Drama wiki religiously and loves to complain when normal people get their facts wrong because they're normal and I'm not".

Chris: That's the stupidest thing I—(He is cut off as Chef prances around, waving his hands in the air like a fairy.)

Chef (mockingly): Ooo! Look at me! I'm Chris McLean! I'm so special! I can break the fourth wall! I braid my own pubes!

Chris: Well, at least I don't go around humming girly pop songs to myself!

Chef: "Applause" aint girly! It's extremely sophisticated! And it teaches you how to spell! What more could you want from a song?

Chris: I don't know, maybe some actual musicality? Besides, "Roar" by Katy Perry is a much better pop song to hum while you violently kidnap someone. (Chef shrugs.)

Chef: Eh, I've always found that one to be a bit generic for my taste. (Chris scowls.)

Chris: You take that back. (Chef chuckles.)

Chef: Ooo. Looks like I just struck a nerve. You have a problem with what I said? (Chris takes a step towards Chef.)

Chris: Hell yeah I do. Katy Perry is a pop icon. You DO NOT INSULT HER!

Chef: Come on, bro. We all know Gaga is better.

Chris: Hell no! Lady Gaga is nothing but an artsy-fartsy bitch with no talent whatsoever and a propensity to make music videos that make me both sexually aroused and physically traumatized at the same time. She sucks!

Chef: You just hate that she has a bigger penis than you do. (Chris grits his teeth.)

Chris: You did not just say that.

Chef: I just did, fool! (Chris begins walking towards him, rolling up his sleeves.)

Chris: Oh, it's on now—(Duncan quickly jumps up in between the two men and pushes them apart, before they can attack each other.)

Duncan: Whoa, guys! Let's just calm it down here. No need to fight. I don't think I can deal with any more of this sexual tension. Chris, just tell me what the deal is. (Chris is about to respond, when suddenly, his phone rings, to the tune of "Applause". Chef smirks at him, as Chris scowls, reaching into his pocket.)

Chris: Okay, it's kind of catchy! Deal with it! Now, if you'll excuse me for a second… (He puts the phone up to his ear.) This is Chris McLean speaking. You just have been granted the opportunity to be placed right next to my incredibly sexy ear. I hope you realize how special that is—Huh? What's that you say? (Suddenly, he stops grinning, and his eyes grow wide as he listens.) Producers? Of Total Drama? (He cringes.) Oh, my apologies! I didn't know it was you guys. (He is silent for a moment.) What's that you're asking? Do I always answer the phone like that? Heh heh… of course not!

Chef (calling out): Yeah he does! (Chris turns to Chef in fury, his hand placed over the phone's receiver.)

Chris: Shut up! Do you want to get me fired?!

Chef: Hmm… yes. Yes I do. (Chris shakes his head.)

Chris: It's not even true! I almost never answer the phone like that!

Chef: I guess you're right. After all, you usually then proceed to describe every part of your ear to them like it's a provocative novel.

Chris: Whatever! If you had big, succulent earlobes like mine, you'd do the same! (He grins, gently pulling on his earlobes in joy.)

Chef: Your ears aint all that.

Chris: Oh really? HOW SO?! (He crosses his arms.)

Chef: They don't even work! You can never even hear your own bullshit! (Chris scowls.)

Chris: Why should I? You provide plenty of the bullshit on your own! (As the two continue to yell at each other, Uncle Dave taps Bridgette on the shoulder.)

Uncle Dave: Umm… are they going to be doing this a lot? (Bridgette sighs.)

Bridgette: I hope you brought earmuffs.

Chris: Okay, I can't leave the producers waiting on the other end like this. (He points his finger at Chef threateningly.) I'd watch what you say. If I get fired, I'm taking you down with me. (With that, he begins talking into the phone again.) Sorry about that. Chef and I just got into a little argument about which of the Total Drama writers we thought was the best. (He nods.) Yep. I'm not bullsh***ing you. It got pretty heated. I mean, after all, they're all so great! But if I do say so myself, that Ed McDonald guy is head-and-shoulders above the rest. That was an impeccably great choice of yours to hire him. You can tell he really studied all the characters and previous seasons before writing. I mean, it's not like he just crapped onto a piece of paper and called it an episode script. Come on! He's an artist, that's what he is. "Sundae Muddy Sunday" is a modern masterpiece! The continuity errors and blatant destruction of Courtney's character are just minor cogs in a grand, revolutionary machine.

Courtney: Are you kidding me? That episode made even _me _think I was retarded!

Chris: That's why it's a masterpiece. It changes your perception of everything you thought you once knew.

Courtney's Dad: Oh, I knew Courtney was retarded long ago.

Chris: And… this just got really awkward. I'm just gonna go back to trying not to get fired. (He turns his attention back to the phone.) So yeah, that's what I was doing—Huh? What's that? You know I'm lying? You heard the entire argument between Chef and I? Oh. (He listens for a moment.) Oh, of course, of course! Lady Gaga and Katy Perry are nothing compared to Ke$ha. She reminds me of myself, back when I was always drunk and could barely form coherent sentences.

Katie: Umm… so what's changed?

Chris: Don't you two have lesbian sex tape to be filming? (He smirks at Katie as she glares at him. However, his smirk falls away as he listens to the phone.) You heard that? Sorry. I'm not condoning child pornography. Anyways, getting back on the more mature topic. Ke$ha's absolutely inspirational! In fact, I was thinking of changing the "s" in my name to a dollar sign. Chri$ looks so much sexier, don't you think—Huh? (He listens for a moment.) Oh, of course! Of course. I know that this show is about the campers, not about myself. I only care about the children. It's one of my best qualities. Did you know a recent poll involving housewives age 45 and older said that my love of children was my third best aspect? Behind only my charismatic persona and my left eyebrow—huh? Now would be a good time to shut up? I'm acting like a narcissistic dickweed? Stop repeating everything you say out loud so that everyone can hear? (He gulps, and quickly stops talking, now only listening. Finally, he begins speaking again.)

Chris: Yes. Of course. Yes, Duncan's here. No, he hasn't vandalized anything yet. At least, I don't think so. (He glances over at one of the walls of the arena, and sees Duncan spray painting a giant penis with Chris's head on it.) Never mind. (He listens some more, and nods.) All right. Mmm hmm. Really? You think that's a good idea? (He cringes.) Geez! Calm down! I'm not trying to attack you here, Tom. (He laughs.) I think you need to lighten up. You're acting like your wife was diagnosed with cancer or something! (He laughs. Suddenly, he stops smiling, and swallows deeply, cringing.) Oh. My apologies. (Noah chuckles, as he rocks his brother in his arms.)

Noah: Sounds like somebody isn't getting a pay raise any time soon. (Chris glares at him.)

Chris: Sounds like _somebody _just found out that their canon character is being replaced by a complete rip-off known as "Dave". (Noah falls silent. Smiling, Chris turns his attention back to the phone.)

Chris: Sorry about that. I just had to take a second to pwn Noah. (He quickly stutters after listening for a moment.) No, Dave's wonderful! That was just a joke. Just because he wears a sweater vest, and has tan skin, and seems to be extremely geeky and sarcastic, and pretty much seems like a clone of Noah, in no way means he's a rip-off. (He nods a few more times.) Of course. Of course. I'll never use the word "pwn" again. I know I'm an adult. (He listens a bit longer.) Okay, I think I understand the plan. Hope to talk to you soon, Tom. Maybe next time it won't be this awkward. This was almost as bad as the time I drunk texted you ranting about the animation department giving me dots for eyes. (He laughs.) BUT SERIOUSLY HOW HARD IS IT TO GIVE ME F**KING NORMAL FACIAL FEATURES YOU LAZY PIECES OF—Whoops. Heh heh. Looks like he hung up on me. (He chuckles, and tucks the phone away into his pocket.)

Chef: So what was he talkin' to you about?

Chris: Oh, nothing. I just need to discuss something with Duncan for a moment. (Suddenly, Trent pops up next to him, sweating nervously.)

Trent: Heh heh… why would you need to do that?

Chris: That's really none of your business, Trenton. (He pushes Trent out of the way, and nods at Chef.) Take the rest of the contestants and their family members over to the tour bus I have parked outside. (Suddenly, a loud squeal erupts through the air.)

Lindsay and her Mom: OMG ARE WE GOING SHOPPING?!

Sadie: DID SOMEBODY SAY SHOPPING?! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (She grabs Katie and bounces up and down with her, while everyone else covers their ears in agony.)

Chris: I have a feeling I may go shopping for a new pair of ears after today's episode.

Tyler: But why exactly are we getting on this tour bus, dude?

Chris: To go on a tour, of course! We decided that before we mercilessly pit the pairs against one another, it'd be a good idea to show the loved ones every wonder that Wawanakwa Island has to offer, in all of its preserved and majestic beauty. This island is home to some of the most breathtaking and awe-inspiring views in all of Canada. (He grins at the camera.) Like me.

Tyler's Grandma: Screw that! I'm not gonna sit around like a fat ass! I want to go explore! (She grins at Tyler.) Let's go, grandson!

Tyler: HELL YEAH! TO THE EXTREME! (Before Chris can protest, the two run off into the woods, cheering. Chris sighs, and shrugs.)

Chris: We'll send a search party to pick up their corpses later. (He nods at the rest of the campers and their loved ones.) All right, everyone head out. Nobody's lost their loved one yet, have they?

Trent: What about me?! I never even got a loved one in the first place! (Chris ignores him.)

Chris: Okay, good. Then go! (Everyone begins to shuffle out of the arena. Before Trent can protest, Ezekiel's grandpa slaps him on the back, knocking him over. The old man grins down at Trent.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: Ready to go, grandson? (Groaning, Trent picks himself up, and storms past.) Ooo. Looks like he's a man with a plan. I love it, eh! (He follows after him, with Ezekiel slowly stalking behind them.)

**Confession Cam**

**Trent: The moment Duncan arrived, the cogs in my incredibly complex mind immediately began turning. Yeah, I may have been weeping for my soul and pissing my pants on the outside, but on the inside, it was go time. And I've been thinking. There HAS to be a reason that Duncan is back. The producers are up to something. And I'm gonna find out what it is. **

**End of Confessionals**

(Chef leads the campers over to a rickety metal bus, and pulls open the door.)

Chef: Two to a seat. Everyone on. (Izzy immediately races to the front of the line, dragging the unconscious hobo behind her.)

Izzy: Woohoo! Road trip! (She high-fives Chef, before starting to make her way onto the bus. Chef halts her immediately.)

Chef: Nope! Not happening, woman. I already had one crazy bitch hijack my bus. No way in hell I'm havin' another. You can walk! (Izzy stamps her foot in frustration.)

Izzy: Aw, but that's not fair! This is going to be so much fun! (She turns to the person behind her, being Uncle Dave. She grabs his gray dreadlocks, inspecting them.) You look like a guy who's seen his fair share of STD's. Did you know that whenever you get on a vehicle being operated by Chef Hatchet, there's an 83 percent chance you will leave the experience having contracted Gonorrhea? What more could you ask for?

Chef: Stop spreadin' rumors about me, bitch! They aint even true! Now get the f**k out of here! (Izzy scowls.)

Izzy: Fine. But you'll regret this decision, Hatchet. You and your testicles. Mostly your testicles.

Chef: What… what are you gettin' at, woman?!

Izzy: Nothing. I just hope you're ready to become more intimate with a golf club than you ever wished you would. (With that, she troops off, lugging the hobo with her, laughing evilly. Chef groans to himself.)

Chef: Dammit, Chef… what have you gotten yourself into? (He slaps himself.) Shut up! You have nothing to fear. You're wearing your super triple-locked My Little Pony-themed chastity belt. You're as safe as a pathetically virgin rock! (He turns to Uncle Dave, who is staring at him.) Yeah, you heard me! Got a problem?

Uncle Dave: Nah, I'm a Gary Stu. I never have problems. (He walks past, followed by Bridgette. Next in line are Courtney and her dad. However, instead of entering the bus, Courtney's dad nods at her, and takes a step back.)

Courtney's Dad: Have fun, darling. I'll meet you over on the other side of the island. (Courtney frowns.)

Courtney: But… don't you think we should stick together? So we can bond? (Courtney's Dad smiles at her sympathetically, and rubs her back.)

Courtney's Dad: Oh, Courtney… (He stares down at her, his eyes gentle and forgiving.) No. (With that, he claps his hands, and suddenly, a dark black convertible pulls up, not being driven by anyone.)

Geoff: Dude! Sweet car! (He runs over to the convertible, about to put his hand on the side.)

Courtney's Dad: If you touch that car, I will sue you for all of your money's worth, leaving you a broken, pathetic mess, doomed to a life of poverty. (Geoff retracts his hand, and quickly retreats.)

Geoff: Dude… that's kind of an overreaction.

Courtney's Dad: And you're kind of a useless waste of space that will never amount to anything. (Jeff steps forward, frowning.)

Jeff: Hey man, you don't need to be so harsh about it! (Courtney's Dad recoils when he sees Jeff.)

Courtney's Dad: Oh god, there's TWO of them?! I have to say, losers really do reproduce at an alarmingly fast rate. I need to get out of here before they start asking for my money. (He flips his keys in his hands, and begins to make his way towards the car. Courtney frantically calls after him.)

Courtney: Wait! You're actually going to just leave me here by myself?! (Courtney's Dad smiles.)

Courtney's Dad: You won't be by yourself, dear. (He pats Chef on the back.) You'll have this responsible, caring man to look after you.

Courtney: _Chef_?! (Chef scowls.)

Chef: What, woman?! You sayin' I aint capable of lookin' after you?!

Courtney: No, more along the lines of you're a delusional, immature f**k-tard who deals with his PTSD and deep-closeted homosexual passion by purchasing toys for little girls. But close enough. (Chef fumes in rage.)

Chef: SHUT UP, woman! You don't even know what yo' talkin 'bout! I'm mature as F**K! You want me to pop a cap in yo' ass to show you?! (Courtney's dad frowns, shaking his head.)

Courtney's Dad: Please, Courtney. Please don't force this kind, mature individual to "pop a cap in yo' ass". (Courtney stares at him.)

Courtney: A kind, mature individual wouldn't be threatening to shoot a minor, dad!

Courtney's Dad: Hmm. True. But that's not the point.

Courtney: Then what _is _the point?

Courtney's Dad: The point is that I don't really care. Since you obviously don't care how your actions have affected me, why should I? (He shakes his head, muttering to himself.) Afraid of green jelly. Where did I go wrong? (Before Courtney can protest, he holds up a hand.) Enough. This has gone on too long. (He grins, his hand still resting on Chef's back.) I've got something big, black, and beautiful waiting for me, and I can't wait to take it for a ride. (Everyone stares at him.)

Gwen: Umm… I'm just hoping you're referring to the car, and not Chef. (Courtney's Dad stares at her for a moment, before groaning and face palming.)

Courtney's Dad: YES, I'm talking about the car! (He turns to the camera man.) If you know what's good for you, I'd suggest you make sure that doesn't make it in the final episode. You got that?! Or you'll be hearing from my lawyers! (With that, he calms down and straightens his jacket. He then strolls coolly over to the car, and hops into the driver's seat. He nods at the campers, who can't help but admire the beauty of the vehicle. Grinning cockily, Courtney's Dad leans back and gets comfortable, before jamming his keys into the ignition, and revving the engine to life, kicking up the dirt behind him. He then turns on the radio. Immediately, it begins blasting "Do What U Want" by Lady Gaga. Courtney's Dad jumps in surprise, and frantically turns off the radio. He then turns to the cameraman again.)

Courtney's Dad: That's not going in the final cut, either, you hear me?!

Chef: Why? Lady Gaga is amazing! What's there to be ashamed of?

Courtney's Dad: Well, considering that a song that promotes relinquishing one's own body in the name of sexual passion came on right after I had to deny having made a sexual innuendo, yes, there's a lot to be ashamed of. As in "lose all my company partnership deals that Courtney didn't already wreck" kind of humiliation. (He glares back at the camera man.) But I'm warning you. Get rid of that tape. Or I'll be giving you a nice little ticket to a place we call prison, where I'm sure many inmates would _gladly_ do what they want with your body. Catch my drift? (The terrified cameraman can barely nod.)

Courtney's Dad: Good. (He smiles, before pressing his foot down on the gas pedal, and accelerating off into the distance, leaving exhaust fumes in his wake. Courtney watches the car leave, before sighing to herself. Chef comes up behind her, and pats her on the back tenderly.)

Chef: There, there. It'll be okay. You know, my dad didn't love me neither.

Courtney: Either, not neither.

Chef: Shut up. Anyways, I was just two years old when he left. He placed a stuffed unicorn in my hand, patted me on the head, and then disappeared from my life forever.

Courtney: Really?

Chef: DO YOU THINK I'M LYING, BITCH?! (He calms down.) Sorry. I just wanted to let you know that I'm here for you. And like myself when I was the attractive, manly two-year-old that I was, you have two options right now on how you can deal with your emotions. Would you like to hear them?

Courtney: I'm sure this is a rhetorical question, and you're just gonna tell me either way—

Chef: Good! Glad to hear you want some advice. All right, so first, we have option #1: You can do what I did, and stew in your emotions for years upon years, building pent-up anger and resentment, screaming your tortured angst into your pillow in the form of Michael Jackson's "Beat It". You can spend your days perusing the internet for something to make your life more fulfilling, but always find that you're looking at porn five minutes later. You can continue this process until you finally lose it and discover that your sanity has officially snapped, and you are doomed to a life of meaningless attempts at connecting with other humans. These attempts will usually end with you beating them up, before crying yourself to sleep and begging God for forgiveness, then sitting on the toilet for hours, partially because you're pondering how you lost all semblance of innocence in your life, partially because you're really constipated. Many years later you will wake up at midnight, all alone, and stare at yourself in the mirror, and then realize you aren't staring into any mirror at all, but your own tortured, dying heart. (He wipes a few tears away from his eyes, and shrugs.) That's one option.

Courtney: Umm… I'll pass on that one.

Chef: Then you can choose option #2. Which would be to GET THE F**K OVER IT! (With that, he grabs her and hurls her into the bus, before wiping the dust off of his hands. The next person in line is Noah, who walks forward, cradling his brother in his arms. He points to Chef.)

Noah: And that, my dear brother, is what we call "a living, breathing Angry Black Man trope". (He ducks as Chef swings angrily at him with his fist.) Case in point. (He then turns, and points to a nearby tree.) Moving on. That's what we call a "tree". Pretty beautiful, right? Well, enjoy it while it lasts. By the time you're older, the world will probably be a desolate wasteland, thanks to my generation. (He beckons to a small bird perched in a tree, chirping happily.) See that? We call that a bird. Look at how cute and feathery it is. You probably want to play with the bird, don't you? (Noah's baby brother laughs, and tries to grab at the bird.) Well, to that bird, you're nothing more than target practice for when it needs to take a sh**. But not to worry. Most bird species will go extinct along with the trees. (Noah's brother stops laughing. Chef scowls, crossing his arms.)

Chef: Just what in the hell do yo' think yo' doing, bitch?! (Noah shrugs.)

Noah: I'm just trying to educate my brother a bit on the world and all of its awfulness, Chef. I decided that if I'm going to have another brother, this one is going to despise life just as much as I do.

Chef: That's a terrible philosophy!

Noah: Is it really? If I lie to him, he's just going to be disappointed when he learns how much everything actually sucks. However, the angrier he is towards the world from the get-go, the more material he'll have for cynical one-liners. And the more cynical one-liners he says, the more women will want to give him a blowjob. And as we all know, blowjobs are the only decent thing in life. Sounds like a fair deal, doesn't it?

Chef: That's just… you can't… HE'S ONLY TWO WEEKS OLD! AND YOU'RE ALREADY DESTROYING HIS INNOCENCE!

Noah: Eh, innocence is overrated. So is childhood. And happiness. And life in general.

Chef: How could you say something like that?! **HOW**?! _WHAT KIND OF OLDER SIBLING ARE YOU_?! (Noah backs off, and throws up his hands in defense.)

Noah: Geez, take a pill! If it helps qualm your desire to murder me, Hatchet, I'll tell him a nursery rhyme. (Chef calms down, and smiles.)

Chef: Good. I do love me a good nursery rhyme. They're such a wholesome and kind way of teaching your kid important lessons about the world.

Noah: Exactly. We're all friends here, Chef. No need for any sort of psycho rant. All right, listen closely, brother. (He takes a deep breath.)

_When you utilize sarcasm, expressing your wit_

_You induce female orgasms, right down to the clit._ (Chef stops smiling.)

_And the more orgasms there are, the more you'll get riches,_

_You'll be the next czar, when it comes to the bitches. _

_The End. _

(Chef is silent for a long time. Then his face breaks into a furious scowl.)

Chef: Oh **HELL NO**! (He snatches the baby away from Noah, and begins cradling it, whispering into its ear.) Shh… forget what you just heard… and just imagine a unicorn flying through a meadow filled with nothing but clouds of sunshine and fun… (He then turns to address Noah, scowling.) And as for you! You can imagine me WHOOPIN' YO ASS! **CAUSE THAT'S WHAT'S ABOUT TO GO DOWN!** (Noah frowns.)

Noah: You'd beat me up in front of the baby? Shame on you, Chef. (Chef sighs, defeated.)

Chef: You get off easy this time, you scrawny little dick-nerd.

Noah: "Dick-nerd"? Interesting. What a sophisticated and well though-out insult. (He looks over at his brother.) Just in case you were wondering, brother, that's what I meant when I was talking about sarcasm. (Chef roars in anger.)

Chef: THAT'S THE LAST STRAW, WOMAN! I've decided you aint responsible enough to take care of this baby! You've proven to be an awful influence in the presence of our precious youth. So you know what? Imma hold onto him instead! (Chef sneers at Noah.) What do you have to say to that?

Noah: Chef, nothing in my life has ever been more devastating to me. I'm absolutely heartbroken.

Chef (smirking): As you should be. (Suddenly, Noah's brother bursts into tears. Chef stops smirking.) No! Be quiet! (He tries to hush the child, cradling it frantically. This just makes Noah's brother bawl even more. Chef thinks for a moment, and then sticks his thumb in the baby's mouth, hoping it will calm him down. Noah's brother quiets down, occupied with sucking on Chef's thumb. Chef sighs in relief, before suddenly, Noah's brother bites down as hard as he can on the cook's finger, making Chef squeal and rip his thumb out as fast as he can, gushing blood.)

Chef: DAMMIT! How does he already have teeth!? (He nurses his wound, as Noah's brother begins to sob once more. Suddenly, a thought passes through Chef's mind. Slowly, he glances over in front of him, and as he suspected, Noah is nowhere to be seen.) GODDAMIT, DICK-NERD! YOU GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW! (Noah sticks his head out the window of one of the back seats of the bus, smirking.)

Noah: Why? You said you're the one in charge of the baby now.

Chef: Well, I've changed my mind!

Noah: You know, Chef, you have to realize that there are going to be some bumps in the road in your journey through motherhood. But are you just going to give up like that?

Chef: Hell yeah! This baby sucks!

Noah: Um, yeah. _All _babies suck. Can't believe you're just now figuring this out.

Chef: Well, I'm done! Take him back! (He runs towards the window, his arms outstretched with the crying baby. Noah rolls up the window before Chef can pass the baby off, however. Chef pounds angrily on the glass.) LET ME IN!

Noah: No can do, buddy.

Chef: But he's _your _brother! Not mine!

Noah: Well, he's _your _problem. Besides, why are you looking at this as such a bad thing, Cheffy boy? If anything, it can be a learning experience for you.

Chef: How so?!

Noah: Well, unlike you, Chef, he's able to motorboat women _without _getting arrested. Maybe he could teach you his tricks.

Chef: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!

Noah: Probably. Anyway, can you quiet down out there? I'm trying to read. (Chef glares at Noah through the window, and ominously places his hand on the glass.)

Chef: You just remember one thing, you little brown weirdo. When I find a way to get in there… you will regret not opening this goddamn window. Mark my—(Suddenly, Noah's brother barfs right onto Chef's chest. Chef screams.) NO! Not my best shirt! (He runs off in the direction of the bathrooms, crying.)

**Confession Cam**

**Noah: Well, the plan went perfectly, as expected. I knew that since Chef is pretty much a gangster, psycho version of Mr. Rogers, there's no way he wouldn't flip sh** if he saw me acting misogynistic in front of my brother. I also knew that he would be far too dumb to realize that he could just enter the bus through the door, rather than trying to break through the window. Anyways, I now no longer have to deal with looking after my brother, and that's all that matters. (He pauses for a second.) You know, now that I think about it, my brother does have good taste in choosing who he barfs on. I gotta give him props for that. **

**Chef (his eyes still red from crying): Okay, I think I'm over it now. I can always buy a new shirt. But that shirt… so many memories… I remember wearing that shirt the very first time I ever rode a pony… heh heh… I was so young at the time… (He looks down at the baby in his arms and chuckles.) I was just a few months older than you. I remember squealing with joy so hard that I pissed myself… Good times, good times. (Suddenly, Chris sticks his head through the window.) **

**Chris: Um, I'm pretty sure you were 38. **

**Chef: DON'T YOU HAVE A CONVERSATION YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING WITH DUNCAN?! **

**Chris: Maybe I do. Maybe I don't. Maybe you pissed yourself at the age of 38. (Chef clenches his fists, about to swing at Chris. Chris backs off.) Hey man! Are you really going to punch me with the baby watching? (Chef groans.) **

**Chef: I need to get rid of this thing. **

**End of Confessionals **

(As the remaining campers file into the bus, Trent walks up to the clearing, looking for something.)

Gwen: And just where have _you _been?

Trent: I've been… working on a project. Something very important. (His eyes glint.) My plans will come to fruition soon enough.

Gwen: I'm not even gonna ask what that means.

Trent: Good. You've been hogging enough airtime as it is. (He strolls past her, and walks straight up to the cameraman.) You. You're coming with me. (He tugs on the cameraman's arms.)

Cameraman: Hey, man! Cut it out! I'm not allowed to go off with individual campers. I'm supposed to be filming you guys boarding the bus. That's my job. Chris's orders.

Trent: Oh, come on. You're not fooling anyone! We can all see you've got the lens focused entirely on Lindsay and her mom's boobs.

Cameraman: Well, duh. That was part of Chris's orders too.

Trent: Well, I got some orders from Chris, and he told me that you're actually supposed to be filming _me_. (The Cameraman glances at Trent's chest, before looking back up.)

Cameraman: I highly doubt that.

Trent: You obviously don't know that I'm one of the most intriguing characters on the show. I can assure you that you're going to want to film everything I do, so you don't miss a second.

Cameraman: Of you doing what, exactly?

Trent: Why, me being Trent, of course! What more could you want?

Cameraman: I don't know… Duncan, maybe? (Trent scowls. Then he forcefully grabs the cameraman, and begins dragging him away, back in the direction of the Arena.)

Trent: We'll have to do this the hard way, it seems.

Cameraman: Hey! Let go of me! Or I'm calling backup! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME DO THIS! (Trent hands the Cameraman a twenty dollar bill.) Let me get my equipment, good sir. I'll meet you there. (Trent nods, and begins to head back in the direction of the Arena. Katie notices him while standing in the line of campers.)

Katie: Where the hell do you think you're going?! The bus could leave any minute! (Trent keeps walking, not responding to her.) TRENT! (Trent glances over, and his eyes widen. Drops of sweat appear on the sides of his face, and he rubs the back of his neck, chuckling nervously.)

Trent: Oh, uhh… hey, Katie and Sadie. (Sadie waves at him, grinning.)

Sadie: HI TRENT! (Trent waves sheepishly at her. Katie scowls, crossing her arms.)

Katie: Care to explain what's going on?

Trent: Uhh… I would love to, but, umm… I… need to go… tune my guitar? Heh heh. Yeah. Bye. (With that, he sprints away. Katie frowns. Sadie, meanwhile, sighs next to her, gazing at Trent.)

Sadie: I hate to see him go, but I love to watch him leave. You know what I mean? (Katie is silent.) I mean that Trent's ass is smokin' h—

Katie: I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN, SADIE!

**Confession Cam**

**Katie: I don't get it. What just happened? Trent was suddenly trying to avoid me. It doesn't make any sense! He hasn't pulled out the tuning his guitar excuse since… since… (Slowly, her eyes widen.) Oh god. Since the last time I was with Sadie. (She smacks her hand to her forehead.) Great. Now having Sadie here has made Trent think I'm his stalker again! That's it. Something has got to change. I can't lose all the progress I've made with my alliance members because of that fat, obnoxious— (Suddenly, Sadie opens the Confessional door, and climbs in.) **

**Sadie: LOL! You forgot to tell me you were going to the Confessional, silly! **

**Katie: Uh, yeah. (She chuckles.) Totally forgot. Sorry about that. **

**Sadie: No problem! You probably just wanted to warm the seat for me! And I must say, you've done a great job. Your butt is like a toaster! **

**Katie: Um… thanks? **

**Sadie: No problem! (She laughs, before growing serious.) Anyways, I think we should discuss something. Something kind of important that I've noticed lately. (Katie raises an eyebrow.) **

**Katie: Really? What? **

**Sadie: This is going to seem like a crazy statement… **

**Katie: Just tell me!**

**Sadie: Okay. If you're sure you can handle it… (She takes a deep breath.) Trent's butt might be as perfect as Justin's butt. I mean, sure his cheeks are bit too cube-like, but man, it's really muscular. Firm. And bigger than Justin's, too. But on the other hand, Justin's is just so cute! What say you, Katie?**

**Katie: We are not having this debate. **

**End of Confessionals**

Trent: Okay, we'll be discussing the plan in just a few minutes, once that idiot arrives already. (He and Grandpa Ezekiel are standing outside of the arena, unaware that Ezekiel is lurking in the treetops above, murmuring to himself as he stares down at them. Suddenly, the Cameraman arrives. Trent crosses his arms.)

Trent: What the hell took you so long?! I'd expect better, even from a minimum-wage, ugly—

Cameraman: Just so you know, the camera's still rolling.

Trent: -beautiful, inspiring angel of a man! (He hugs the Cameraman tightly, before pulling away and turning to Ezekiel's grandpa.)

Cameraman: Just go whenever you feel ready. (Trent nods and starts to speak, but then remembers to adjust his hair, then turns back to Ezekiel's grandpa, but then remembers to adjust his shirt, then turns back to Ezekiel's grandpa, but then remembers he should apply some blush powder to his cheeks and frantically does so, then turns back to Ezekiel's grandpa and begins to speak again, but then remembers to zip up his pants, then turns back to Ezekiel's grandpa and begins to speak once more, but then remembers that he needs to brush his teeth and whips out his toothbrush—

Cameraman: Get on with it, dude! I don't have all day!

Trent (his mouth filled with toothpaste): I'm just making sure my body is ready for prime time television! Cut me some slack here!

Grandpa Ezekiel: Yeah, man! Don't be hater. Take as much time as you need, grandson. (He proudly slams his hand into Trent's back, making Trent accidentally swallow his toothbrush. Trent clutches at his throat, choking for air, as the ends of the toothbrush stretch his neck outward. The guitarist's face is now beginning to turn blue, and he frantically turns to Grandpa Ezekiel.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: Heh heh. Whoops. (He quickly punches Trent in the chest, making the teenager cough the toothbrush back up, before collapsing on the ground, heaving. After a few minutes of Trent regaining his air, Grandpa Ezekiel helps him up.) Sorry aboo't that, eh. I got a little too excited there. You alright, Ezekiel? (Suddenly, Trent breaks into a huge grin.)

Trent: Are you kidding me?! That was perfect! (He beckons to the camera.) Perfect for my image, that is. For the audience to experience a near-death moment right alongside me? I think it's really gonna create a strong relationship between myself and the viewers. Now that they've seen me on the brink of death, I'll be heralded as a true survivor.

Cameraman: Or everyone will just laugh at you for choking on a toothbrush.

Trent: Nah, I'm definitely gonna have a ton of fangirls now. (He taps his chin.) But then again, if I had actually died… then people would have loved me even more! I would have been a martyr, a victim of the cruel, unforgiving world of reality TV. (He shrugs.) Ah well. I got the second best option. (He looks around.) Okay, places, people!

Cameraman: Um, what people are you referring to here? (Trent doesn't respond, as he is too busy tidying up his face once more. Once he's done, he flashes a smile at the camera, unaware that toothpaste is all over the outside of his mouth. His makeup is also smeared everywhere, and his hair is disheveled and covered in dirt.)

Trent: Do I look good?

Cameraman: No.

Trent: Ha, I guess you're right. I always look good, so there's really no point in asking the question. Thanks! (He then turns sternly to Grandpa Ezekiel.) All right, time for the plan. (He beckons to the arena.) In there, Duncan and Chris are currently having a top-secret conversation. It's our mission to find out what they're talking about. I suspect the producers have something up their sleeve. And I need to know what that is. So, I'm going to sneak inside, and using my incredible stealth skills, I will eavesdrop and gather important data.

Grandpa Ezekiel: And what's my job, eh?

Trent: Just don't f**k it up for me, all right? (He nods at the two of them.) I'll be back in a few minutes with my findings. Now, I must take my leave. (He is silent for a moment. Then he turns to the Cameraman.) When this goes in the final cut, can you edit it so that I disappear mysteriously and sexily into the shadows after I say that?

Cameraman: No.

Trent: Can you at least add in some dramatic music—

Cameraman: No!

Trent: Uggh, fine. (He storms off.)

**Confession Cam**

**Trent: Throughout my time here at Total Drama, I've learned many unfortunate truths about how reality TV shows work. And one of these truths is that the producers favor some contestants over others when it comes to screentime. As it stands, a contestant like Beth is gonna be lucky if they even show up on the screen at all without it being a continuity error. Well, except for Total Drama Action. But I don't even know what the hell was up with that. People like Duncan? Let's just say they get a bit more focus. Some people have to be shafted in the edit. Including myself, during seasons 1-3. But when Duncan left, it finally looked like it was my time to shine. It was **_**I **_**who was the bad boy. But now that Duncan's back, he poses a major risk to **_**my **_**camera time. So the solution? First, I have to find out exactly what shady business the producers are up to. Then I will use that as my bartering chip, to ensure I am a main character when this season airs. But in the meantime? I need to make sure I have as many cameras on me as possible, at all times. The more footage the producers have of you, the more likely they are to use it. I've noticed that when it comes to Duncan, the camera crew is often gravitated towards him. Unfortunately, I don't have this same sort of magnetism. Thus, I have to resort to slightly more… **_**aggressive **_**tactics. Some people may call it "camera whoring". But I like to refer to it as "selling my body to the art". And now, I must show the world another side of Trent- my impeccable talent when it comes to espionage.**

**End of Confessionals**

**Redemption Coliseum**

Chris: Okay, let's get down to business. We'll try to make this discussion as quick as possible. Agreed? (He and Duncan are sitting next to one another in the bleachers.)

Duncan: Why are we sitting up here?

Chris: It's more intimate this way. So, first of all, I—Trent, you do know I can see you, right? (He glares down at Trent, who is sitting curled up in a ball at the bottom of the bleachers. Trent doesn't respond, his eyes jammed shut.) TRENT!

Trent: Who is this "Trent" you speak of? I am nothing but a bush. An extremely good-looking bush with a great sense of fashion, mind you, but a bush nonetheless.

Chris: Trent, get the hell out of here.

Trent: But I am but a bush! Bushes cannot uproot themselves, can they? Please, just carry on with your conversation. Pay no attention to me. But make sure to speak up. You guys were kind of mumbling, to be honest. Everyone knows you need to enunciate when you're on camera. It's rule number one of being a TV personality.

Chris: Yeah, whatever. I do have a question, though. If you're a bush, then what's that standing next to you? Some sort of weird, ugly, naked tree? (He points to Grandpa Ezekiel, who is standing next to Trent, grinning.)

Trent: Huh? (He opens his eyes, glances up, and immediately sees Grandpa Ezekiel from an extremely undesirable angle. He groans and smacks his hand to his face. Then he tries to regain his composure.) Um… yes. Yes it is. I am a bush, and he is a tree. Together, we form nature—

Grandpa Ezekiel: Ha ha… no, silly! I'm Grandpa Ezekiel! (Trent curses in anger, and face palms again.)

Trent: Thanks a lot, you senile idiot. I had them totally fooled until _you _showed up. (Duncan shakes his head and sighs.)

Duncan: Listen, Trent… I know there may be hard feelings between us. But stalking me is not the answer. (Trent springs upward.)

Trent: WHAT?! You think _I'm _stalking _you_? (He lets out a guffaw.) HA! As if. If anything, _you're _the one who's stalking _me_!

Duncan: Umm… you're going to have to explain that one, dude.

Trent: This season was supposed to be MY time to shine! Yet suddenly YOU show up, ready to steal the spotlight again!

Duncan: Are you kidding me? _I_ don't even know why I'm here yet. But trust me: I could care less about the spotlight. Or you, for that matter. (Trent crosses his arms.)

Trent: Good. Because unlike you, _I _know what an audience wants. They desire a little more substance than just random romantic affiliations of the triangular degree. They want complexity. Intrigue. Excitement. (He places a hand proudly upon his chest.) I can provide all of this, and look great whilst doing it. _I_ have the stage presence. _I _have the charisma. _I _have the—

Chris: Trent, I swear you have five seconds to leave before I launch you out. (He whips out his remote control, and holds his finger menacingly over the button. Trent crosses his arms, and flips his hair defiantly.)

Trent: Trying to deny star power when you see it, McLean? I'll have to show ALL of you. You'll ALL see that I'm a SUPERSTAR! (With that, he storms out of the arena, muttering to himself and laughing.)

Chris: Well, that should take care of that. (He shakes his head in disbelief.) But seriously, did he actually just use the word "whilst" in a sentence? My god. It's like being a tool is his innate gift. Anyways, let's get back to the—

Duncan: Hold on a second. What about him? (He points to Grandpa Ezekiel, who is picking his nose and humming gleefully to himself.)

Chris: I'm not worried about him. If we say anything, he'll forget about it five seconds later. One of the many advantages of Alzheimer's. (He pauses, thinking over what he just said.) You know, I'm really glad we aren't being filmed right now. That might have been just a tad bit politically incorrect. (He then turns back to Duncan, and looks sternly at him.) All right, let's get down to it. The reason why you're here. This is top secret info that I'm about to tell you. Are you ready?

Duncan: Mmm hmm.

Chris: Are you sure?

Duncan: Yes I am.

Chris: Are you absolute positive you can handle it? Is your body truly ready?

Duncan: This isn't sex, McLean! Just tell me what's going on! (Chris's eyes glint mischievously.)

Chris: Ah, but you are mistaken. It_ is_ sex, in a way. Right now, you are but a virgin in regard to the world of satirical cartoons designed for 11-year-olds. But after this, you will know the many secrets of what _really_ goes on at Fresh TV.

Duncan: Somehow, I get the feeling I don't want to know.

Chris: Ah, but you do. (He smiles.) And the people at Fresh TV _really _admire you, Duncan.

Duncan: Umm… I'm a cartoon that _they _created. Don't you think that's a little weird? (Chris scowls.)

Chris: They do _not_, however, admire you when you shamelessly break the fourth wall. So let's try to keep that a minimum. (He taps his fingers together, grinning.) I'm sure you can anticipate where this is going, however.

Duncan: No. I really can't. (Chris sighs.)

Chris: Why do you think we decided to have a loved ones episode, Duncan? Care to take a guess?

Duncan: Uhh… because you felt bad for cutting off this group of teens from normal society for the last five years, and decided to finally repay them for all of their strife and hardship that you've been exploiting for cash?

Chris: LOL! That's a good one. (He chuckles. Duncan stares at him.)

Duncan: Chris, I must remind you that you are 45 years old. (Chris scowls and crosses his arms defensively.)

Chris: How do you know that?! And so what if I am?!

Duncan: So don't f**king use text acronyms when you speak, you goddamn weirdo! Just tell me what's going on here. Why is there a loved ones competition?

Chris: The reason we ever do anything on this show: the "R"-word.

Duncan: Because you guys are retarded?

Chris: No! Ratings. Everything we do is done with the focus on _ratings_. (He points at Duncan.) _You_, Duncan, are what we call a ratings magnet. You stir up the drama. This whole loved ones thing was entirely done as an excuse to bring you back again, to spice up the show. (Duncan shakes his head.)

Duncan: Don't be expecting any more drama from me, dude. All I plan to do is try and mend bridges with the people I've hurt. Like Gwen and Courtney. I've treated both of them like trash. It's time I fixed that. I need to make things right. (Chris wipes a tear away from his eye.)

Chris: Aww… how beautiful. That makes you a really great dude, Duncan. It also makes you a complete pussy loser who is terrible for ratings. So that's not happening.

Duncan: Oh yeah? And why not? (Chris smirks.)

Chris: Because I know that deep in your heart, you crave the limelight as much as anyone, Duncan. And it has pained you to see the others competing without you. You sit there in your small, dark room at the Playa de Losers, in a deep depression, contemplating life, lost in a sea of existential nightmare.

Duncan: Actually, I've been sitting by the pool all day, drinking martinis and banging female interns. And it's been awesome.

Chris: Whatever! We didn't bring you back today so you could be the "nice guy". We have enough of those on this show!

Duncan: Um, how so? As far as I can tell, all of the guys left are complete douchebags. Noah's a pompous, antisocial bastard; Cody will literally screw anything with two legs; Ezekiel is a goddamn psychopath who can't go five seconds without traumatizing someone; Tyler thinks he's some sort of supreme, jump-suit wearing deity; Geoff is literally too stupid to know how to be nice, let alone remember his own name; and DJ, the only actual nice one, is probably curled up in a ball somewhere in the forest, pissing himself! Oh, and need I say more about our old pal "the Bush"? (Chris is silent for a moment.)

Chris: Ahh… now _there's _the Duncan we've been waiting for.

Duncan: I'm just stating facts. (He shakes his head.) But I'm still not gonna do what you say.

Chris: Hmm. Well, I guess you'll just need a little… _extra motivation_. (With an evil smile, he reaches behind his back, and pulls out a large, silver case glinting in the sun. Chris pauses for dramatic effect, before slowly opening it. Inside are rows and rows of cash, tucked neatly and crisply into the box. Duncan stares at the money for a moment, in a trance, before snapping out of it.)

Duncan: Not gonna work. (Chris stops smiling.)

Chris: Why not?!

Duncan: Because, Chris, unlike your mom, I won't just suck someone's dick if they throw money at me. (Chris cringes.)

Chris: Damn… that was cold. Very well. I guess I'll have to up the ante. (He taps his chin for a moment.) I know! How about I give you your own private yacht?

Duncan: No. Nothing you can say will make me do it.

Chris: Two yachts. And a jet ski.

Duncan: Chris! Just stop!

Chris: A mansion. Your own private lake. Your own private jet.

Duncan: How many times do I have to—

Chris: Your own restaurant chain. Your own country. A flying unicorn that sh**s diamonds!

Duncan: You and I both know you can't even give me those things. (Chris ignores him.)

Chris: Three yachts. And another unicorn. And you can have Chef, if you want him. Deal?

Duncan: No! I've said it again and again! You can't convince me! So just stop trying! (Chris thinks for a moment.)

Chris: I'll throw in a ham sandwich. (Duncan laughs.)

Duncan: Come on. You really think that a _sandwich_ of all things will change my mind?

Chris: A _triple-decker_ ham sandwich.

Duncan: Damn. You drive a hard bargain. (He sighs.) Fine. I'll do it.

Chris: That's what I wanted to hear. (He claps his hands together.) All right! So, your task is simple. The producers and I have noticed that out of all things, this year we're missing one very key component. Something that every good season needs.

Duncan: Character development beyond just your average stereotype cardboard cut-outs?

Chris: Ew. What the hell even is that? I don't want to know. It sounds awful for ratings, whatever it is. No, we've got something much better in store. We're bringing back an old classic, if you will. It's the one… the only… LOVE TRIANGLE! (Duncan groans.)

Duncan: Are kidding me?! That is literally the worst idea I've ever heard, Mclean.

Chris: Why? If anything, it'll breathe life back into the franchise. Right now, there's nothing for fans to get into bloodthirsty fights over! Everyone pretty much agrees that I'm extremely attractive. The only real point of discussion is whether I look better wearing blue or wearing green. Besides… what argument do you have against using the love triangle again?

Duncan: Um… because it sucks?

Chris: Fair argument. But you'd be surprised by how much preteens enjoy sucking.

Duncan: I don't think you could have phrased that more pedophilically.

Chris: Whatever! You get the picture! Either way, the TRUE fans of the show would know that this is just what we need. The format is getting tired, Duncan; it needs something new and exciting to save it.

Duncan: What about the love triangle is "new"? You do it every season! And it isn't exciting in any way whatsoever. It completely halts the plot and throws aside all other characters in the process, and it probably won't even end up getting resolved! (Chris is silent for a long time.)

Chris: Wow. When you phrase it _that _way… it sounds even better!

Duncan: How?!

Chris: ….I'll have to get back to you on that one. Anyways, you can't back out now, Duncan.

Duncan: Umm… yes I can.

Chris: Nope. (He whips out a piece of paper, with writing scribbled over it.) You signed a contract.

Duncan: No I didn't!

Chris: Uggh, fine. You've left me no choice. I'll have to resort to my final tactic. (Slowly, he solemnly snaps his fingers, and suddenly, a red, glowing dot appears on Duncan's forehead. Duncan rolls his eyes.)

Duncan: This isn't Despair Island, dumbass. You can't gun down a teenager and get away with it. (Chris frowns.)

Chris: What are you talking about? I was just threatening to put a red dot on your forehead for the rest of your life! That would be _soooo _bad for your complexion. (He sighs.) Fine. I guess if you aren't willing to cooperate, we're sending you back to jail. (Duncan snorts.)

Duncan: Go ahead. You think I'm scared? I can deal with juvie just fine.

Chris: Oh no. No no no no no. Who said anything about juvie? In case you don't know, you're an adult now. You'd be going to an _actual _jail. (Duncan stops smiling.)

Duncan: Wha…? Seriously?

Chris: Mmm hmm. But don't worry. It'll be an experience for the ages! You'll make so many fun new friends. They have great showers there, too. You exit that shower a changed man, Duncan. (He cringes, as if reflecting on past experiences. Duncan slowly drops his head in defeat.)

Duncan: Fine. Let's just do this, then. (Chris grins widely.)

Chris: That's the spirit! (He enthusiastically pats Duncan on the head.)

Duncan: Yeah, whatever. But I swear I will destroy you if you even think about patting me on the head again.

Chris: That won't be a problem. (He cringes, and glances at his hand.) Your head was far slimier than I expected it to be. Anyways, I think you know what to do. Same drill as always. You put your tongue down one throat, and then you put it down the other. But we _are_ switching things up a bit this year, I'll have you know. An exciting new change to the format, if you will.

Duncan: Really? What?

Chris: This time, instead of getting with Courtney and then macking on Gwen, you'll start by getting with Gwen, and then macking on Courtney! Genius, am I right? (Duncan just groans.)

Duncan: Seriously, dude, I don't think this is going to work. What makes you think Gwen will accept me back? After Ezekiel, Heather, and I enslaved her and the rest of the campers? I don't think so.

Chris: You'll be fine. The producers and I will be helping you every step of the way.

Duncan: How could you morons _possibly_ help?

Chris: Oh, we have our ways. We can feed you some romantic lines. Add in a bit of smooth jazz, perhaps. Maybe hand over some chloroform if you get desperate. (Duncan snarls at him. Chris chuckles.) Calm down, dude. That was joke. But seriously though, we do have it.

Duncan: You know that's not how I roll. If I'm going to do this, it's going to be done _my _way. (He stands up and cracks his knuckles, staring off into the distance.)

Chris: I don't think beating her up is the answer, Duncan.

Duncan: What are you talking about?! I'm just cracking my knuckles, you idiot! God!

Chris: Well, make sure you do it for the cameras. (Duncan flips him off.) Don't do that for the cameras, please.

Duncan: I'll do whatever the f**k I want, if I have to be a part of this soap opera bull-crap again. Now let me just get this over with. (With that, he storms out of the arena. Chris watches him leave.)

Chris: There's the bad boy I've been waiting for. (Grinning, he follows after Duncan, walking right past Grandpa Ezekiel, who is still picking his nose.)

**Confession Cam**

**Duncan: Dammit… I can't believe I'm doing this. It's screwed up, to the say the least. I thought I was finally done with the god-awful love triangle, and now I have to go back and deal with those two psychos again. (He sighs.) Why can't we just all have a threesome? **

**Trent: Perfect. Simply perfect. (He laughs evilly, tapping his fingers together gleefully.) Did you see that? The old freak was there the whole time, and they didn't even notice! Maybe he's more useful than I expected. Either way, I'm back in business. Once I know what Duncan and Chris were discussing, I'll be unstoppable. (He crosses his arms, smirking arrogantly.) **

**End of Confessionals**

Trent: What do you MEAN, "you can't tell me, eh"?!

Grandpa Ezekiel: Yo, let's just calm down for a sec here, homie.

Trent: I am NOT your homie! Not until you tell me what you heard during that conversation! YOU WERE SITTING THERE THE ENTIRE TIME!

Grandpa Ezekiel: Was I really?

Trent: YES! YOU TELL ME RIGHT NOW OR I SWEAR I WILL DAMAGE YOUR WRINKLY TESTICLES PERMANENTLY!

Grandpa Ezekiel: Ahhh… but where's the fun in that?

Trent: Oh, it would be _very_ fun for me.

Grandpa Ezekiel: No, what I mean is, I _could _just tell you the answer, but what sort of satisfaction would you get oo't of that, eh? As my old pal Jedidiah once said, "It is not the destination that matters, but the journey you pursue along the way."

Trent: Well, I don't care what this "Jedidiah" guy has to say! I don't even know who he is!

Grandpa Ezekiel: But you should. Jedidiah is an inspiration to us all, eh! His accomplishments are quite jaw-dropping. Did you know he once tied a 50-pound boulder to his back and dragged it for 30 miles across a plateau, until his body collapsed from dehydration?

Trent: Umm… why?

Grandpa Ezekiel: I don't know. Jedidiah was never the smartest guy, eh. But that's not the point! The point is that by dragging that boulder, do you know what Jedidiah was doing?

Trent: Making an absolute idiot of himself?

Grandpa Ezekiel: Well, yes. But he also was _building character_, eh. It's true, with every mile he dragged that boulder, he may have been permanently damaging his muscles and bones so that he would be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of his life. But in the process, he was also greatly increasing the size of his manhood, in both girth and circumference. I want _you _to have an experience like that, eh! After all, a man can only truly enjoy a reward if he's suffered beforehand.

Trent: Well, I _did_ just suffer through you telling me way too much info about the size of a man's junk. Isn't that enough?

Grandpa Ezekiel: No! (He pats Trent on the back.) Listen, Ezekiel. What I really want is for us to bond. So here's the deal. We go on an adventure together. And then I'll tell you what I heard, eh.

Trent: Uhh…. what kind of "adventure" are we talking about here? (He swallows nervously. Grandpa Ezekiel's eyes glint, and a smile spreads across his face.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: An adventure… (He beckons to the exit of the arena that heads deeper into the forest.)… Into the _unknown_. (Trent stares at him.)

Trent: But… the bus is that way. (He points to the exit at the other side of the coliseum.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: True. But intrigue, excitement, and unforgettable memories, all in the great oo'tdoors, is _this _way. (He points back to his exit.)

Trent: Um, no. We're just going to end up getting lost and dying in the middle of nowhere.

Grandpa Ezekiel: So? That's part of the fun, eh! (He holds out his hand.) Take my hand, grandson. Together, we shall enter a world of discovery!

Trent: Hell no! I'm not going into any sort of secluded location with you! (Grandpa Ezekiel frowns.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: Hmm. Well then. (He scratches his head.) You've changed, haven't you, eh? The Ezekiel _I _remember was always oo'tside in the forest, relishing the great oo'tdoors, so much so that we actually hired a psychiatrist for him because we were worried he was becoming sexually attracted to trees. But it seems Ezekiel no longer feels this way, hmm? (He eyes Trent suspiciously.) That is, if you even _are _Ezekiel. You could just be an imposter. In which case… you will _never _learn the info. (Trent bites his lip.)

Trent: No! Wait! Hold on a second. I'm Ezekiel! Heh heh. No need to worry! I _loooooove _the "oo'tdoors". (Grandpa Ezekiel crosses his arms.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: Prove it. (He nods towards a tree that is standing a few feet away from Trent.)

Trent: What the?! Where the hell did that tree come from?! (Grandpa Ezekiel ignores his question.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: _Show _me you love the outdoors. I want you to relinquish your body to that tree. (Trent swallows deeply.)

Trent: I think this classifies as a form of rape—

Grandpa Ezekiel: SHOW ME YOU LOVE THE OUTDOORS!

Trent: Fine! Jeez! (He slowly walks over to the tree. He takes a deep breath. Then he wraps his legs around the trunk, and begins grinding the bark, pressing his whole body up against it, all the while blushing in embarrassment. Grandpa Ezekiel breathes a sigh of relief, and wipes the sweat from his brow.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: Whew. You're back to normal. I was worried for a bit that you were turning into some sort of freak, eh. Anyways we'll have time to hump redwoods later. (He points to the exit.) Let's go! Mother Nature is a'calling! Let us dive headfirst into her warm and welcoming metaphorical vagina! (With that, he sprints off into the forest, cheering. Trent pulls himself away from the tree, and groans in pain when he realizes there are small splinters sticking out of his crotch. After slowly pulling them out, cringing all the while, he reluctantly begins to head out the exit. Suddenly, Trent senses someone behind him. He whips around, and gasps when he sees a camera crew following him, their cameras all trained on him. Slowly, a small smile creeps over Trent's face.)

**Confession Cam**

**Trent: I should have guessed it. (He laughs, beaming from ear to ear.) What better tactic to get yourself screen-time than to go off on one of those stupid Ezekiel subplots? The producers love that crap. It's a gold mine, really. Maybe this won't be so bad after all. At the very least, I'll finally be getting some much-needed camera time. Even better, by walking next to Grandpa Ezekiel while on camera, I'll look like the most attractive man in the world in comparison. (He shrugs.) What? It's rule number one of camera-whoring. Always put yourself next to the ugliest person you can find. You really should read up on this stuff. (He holds up a book.) This book is called "Tips and Tricks To Being A Superstar". (He pauses.) Yes, I wrote it. So what? **

**End of Confessionals **

**Tour Bus**

Sadie: OMG, Katie… WE CAN SIT AT THE BACK! ISN'T THAT PERFECT?! WE SHOULD TOTALLY SIT HERE! (She and Katie are standing at the back of the bus, and Sadie points to the seat next to them. Katie crosses her arms.)

Katie: Yeah, sure, whatever. We should also stop orgasming over a goddamn seat.

Sadie: LOL… good one! Now get in there, silly! (Katie reluctantly sits down, and is immediately pushed up against the wall of the bus as Sadie jumps down next to her. Sadie laughs, bouncing up and down on the seat cushions.)

Sadie: Wheee…. Isn't it so much fun to bounce?

Katie: You are literally shaking the bus right now. (Sadie ignores her.)

Sadie: Remember that time we went on that trampoline together? Wasn't that SO MUCH FUN?!

Katie: Um, no. You were so fat that you launched me ten feet into the air straight off of the trampoline and onto the pavement, where I broke my leg!

Sadie: Oh yeah. That was kind of awkward. (Suddenly, she notices Jeff and Geoff are walking down the aisle of the bus, and waves excitedly to them.) Hey guys! There's plenty of room back here! (Katie nudges her violently.)

Katie: What the hell do you think you're doing?! Don't invite _them_ to sit with us!

Sadie: Why not? They're twinsies, just like us! Twinsies have to look out for one another. (Katie rolls her eyes.)

Katie: We are NOT "twinsies". The only way that would happen is if I became way stupider, way more annoying, and had way more diabetes. (Sadie's eyes widen.)

Sadie: …What? (Katie stutters, chuckling.)

Katie: Um, I mean… OMG, we TOTALLY ARE!

Sadie: IKR?! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (Geoff and Jeff have now arrived, grinning from ear to ear.)

Geoff: 'Sup, ladies! Sounds like there's a party going on back here. Right on! (He slaps Katie on the back. Katie raises an eyebrow.)

Katie: Umm… why are you suddenly acting friendly with me? (Geoff frowns.)

Geoff: Why wouldn't I be?

Katie: Umm… because you hate me, and have been trying to get people to vote me off all day, largely due to your immense fear of me? (Geoff laughs.)

Geoff: You're funny, babe. You and your BFF are totally rad, I've got to say. (Katie stares at him.)

Katie: … Do you even remember who I am?

Geoff: Of course I do! (He smiles at her.)

Katie: Then who am I? (Geoff taps his chin, gritting his teeth in thought.)

Geoff: Uhh… well… according to my calculations… you're Sadie?

Katie: No. (Geoff grins.)

Geoff: I knew I was right!

Katie: But you _weren't _right! (Geoff and his twin brother ignore her.)

Jeff: Dude… how did you know that? You are literally a God of the names!

Geoff: I know, right? Might as well call me the name guru! Hell yeah! (The two fist bump. Katie groans.)

**Confession Cam**

**Katie: And now the Sadie situation has officially crossed the line. I mean, obviously, I'm not surprised Geoff can't remember my name. I honestly don't even know sometimes if he's fully potty trained. But he isn't even cowering in terror of me anymore! That just won't do. Any scenario where Geoff isn't weeping on the floor, a defeated, humiliated remnant of what was once an optimistic young man, is an **_**awful **_**scenario for me. **

**End of Confessionals**

(As Katie sulks to herself, she suddenly notices Noah, who is smirking at her from the seat across the aisle, his book propped up on his knees. Katie scowls.)

Katie: Look who it is. Just in time to mock me.

Noah: Mock you? No! I commend you if anything, Katie. You and Sadie have taught me that friendship truly is magic.

Katie (sarcastically): Oh wow. You're so clever. Now, I'm going to give you two options, Noah. You can either stop watching me like a creep, and shove your face back into that stupid book of yours; or I will slam it in so hard that it breaks your huge-ass nose.

Noah: I'm not worried about that happening, my dear. You'd never be able to get to over here. Not when there's a nice, large, squishy wall of defense protecting me. (He beckons to Sadie, whose body is still pressing Katie's up against the wall of the bus.)

Katie: You know, you make fun of me for having Sadie as a friend. But at least I _have_ friends in real life, unlike you!

Noah: True. But I'm not sure I would want someone who is literally too oblivious to notice two people trash talking her from opposite sides of her body as a friend.

Katie: Well, at least_ I_ don't have a so-called "girlfriend" who would rather spend time with a hobo than me! (Noah stops smiling, and Katie smirks to herself, knowing she's struck a nerve.)

Noah: My relationship with Izzy is very… _flexible_.

Katie: Ha! That's one way of putting it. The only thing that's going to be flexible about it is you, when you're trying to suck your own dick because you never can get a girl to do it.

Noah: Wow. What an awkwardly phrased insult. Now let's stop talking to one another, all right? (He then turns back to his book, his face slightly red.)

Katie: Ooo… looks like big bad Noah can dish it out, but can't receive it.

Noah: No, I just really don't enjoy socializing with people I loathe.

Katie: You only loathe me because you know I'm right. (She sneers at him.) Let's face it, Noah. You're overrated. And it's about time you realized that, too. You're not funny, you're not attractive, and as far as I can tell, you're really not all that smart. So if I were you, I'd realize that I'm the only hope you have, and you would join my alliance. (Noah stares at her.)

Noah: Okay, Katie. I'm going to let you in on a little secret when it comes to pitching an idea. It really may not be the best idea to viciously insult your target before you try to get them to join an alliance.

Katie: Whatever. Eventually you'll cave in. We all know it. (She pauses, and raises an eyebrow.) Hold on a second. Where's that little brat you had with you? (Noah chuckles.)

Noah: Chef was kind enough to take over for me. (He beckons towards the front of the bus, where Chef is sitting in the driver's seat, frantically cradling the baby and trying to keep it quiet. Noah's brother is currently drinking from a milk bottle.)

Chef: That's a good little demon… just keep drinking… (Sweat drips down the sides of his face.) Please… just don't—(He is cut off as the Noah's brother suddenly vomits onto the floor, right by his feet.) DAMMIT! NOT AGAIN! WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN? I AM A FAILURE OF A PARENT! WHAT CAN I POSSIBLY DO DIFFERENTLY?! (He collapses on the steering wheel, heaving with sobs. Courtney walks up behind him, and picks up the bottle, examining it.)

Courtney: Well, you could start by not trying to feed him tequila mixed with Diet Pepsi.

Chef: Did I ask for your opinion, woman? Cause I don't believe that I asked for your opinion! Besides, it's good for you! That was all_ I_ ever drank as a baby.

Courtney: Not helping your point, Chef.

Chef: Don't you get sassy with me! Leave me alone! I just want this to all be over! (He looks up to the ceiling, tears streaming down his face.) Lord, what did I ever do to deserve this fate?! Am I a sinner?! **AM I A SINNER?!** _**ANSWER MEEEEEEEEEE! **_(He pounds his fists onto the glove compartment in anguish. However, this sets off the airbag, which springs outwards and slams into his face, sending him flying over the back of the chair. He does a full back-flip, screaming, before landing on the floor with a painful crunch. Chef then lays there in a crumpled heap, weeping pitifully to himself. Katie, who was watching all of this, lets out a low whistle.)

Katie: Wow. (She turns to Noah.) You know, I think you may have just gained back my respect.

Noah (sarcastically): Hooray for me. My life is now complete. I can die happy knowing I received Katie's approval.

Katie: And… now you're an asshole again. (For the next few minutes, the bus is filled with noise as the pairs talk among themselves. Nobody pays any attention to Chef, who is still on the floor, not moving. Suddenly, Chris sticks his head through the open doorway of the bus.)

Chris: Ahem! (The chattering quiets down, as everyone focuses on him.) I'm sorry it took so long for me to arrive. But never fear, your host with the most is finally here! Looking better than ever, I might add. (He grins at the camera, his pearly white teeth flashing brightly. After adjusting his shirt, Chris then confidently steps forward, and immediately slips on the vomit coating the floor, sending him flying up into the air, screaming, before crashing back down onto the floor of the bus. Everyone stares at the crumpled host, silent for a moment. Then they return to talking among themselves. Disgustedly wiping the puke off his clothes, Chris stands up and scowls at Chef, who is still on the ground, now curled up in a ball and sucking his thumb.)

Chris: CHEF! What the hell is this?! I thought I told you to keep your bulimic tendencies to yourself! (Chef stops sucking his thumb, and scowls.)

Chef: It wasn't me!

Chris: Oh really? Then who was it?! Where is this person?! 'Cause whoever it was is gonna get a smackdown for embarrassing me like that! (Chef shakily points toward the driver's seat of the bus, where Noah's brother sits, staring innocently at Chris.)

Chris: Oh. Whoops. (He swallows deeply, and turns to the cameras.) Um, just for the record, I didn't actually say that. (He then picks up the baby, and turns angrily to the interior of the bus.) Noah! What is this thing doing up here? (He peers around at the rows of seats.) Where'd he go?! (Chef slowly stands up, and glances around.)

Chef: He was here just a second ago. (He suspiciously looks around the bus.) Hmm…. but everything_ looks_ normal. Imma check around. (He slowly walks down the aisle. Suddenly, he lunges downward, and places his hand on the floor. He thinks a moment, before nodding.) We have a normal floor… (He looks at one of the vents, and taps on it, before peering inside.) We have normal air-conditioning… (He glances at the seats, looking at each one of them.) We have a normal mysteriously vacant seat where Noah was sitting… (Katie, meanwhile, turns, and sees Noah scrunched down in his seat, trying to hide. She smirks.)

Katie (whispering): Give it up. He's going find you eventually.

Noah (whispering): You underestimate Chef's idiocy.

Katie: But _you _overestimate my kindness. (Noah glances pleadingly at her.)

Noah: Come on. Can't you put aside your menstrual cycle just this once and help me out? (Katie sighs.)

Katie: Sorry, but we're not in an alliance. So no can do. (She suddenly speaks up, so that the whole bus can hear.) Noah! What are you doing? You really shouldn't be sitting like that. You could damage your back. (Immediately, everyone turns around at the sound of her voice, and they all look in the direction of Noah's seat. Noah sighs, and reluctantly gets out of his crouching position.)

Noah: Thanks, Katie. I really appreciate the favor. (He forces a smile.)

Katie: You're welcome. (She leans in closer, grinning maliciously, and begins whispering to him across Sadie's body.) _As in, you're welcome to go f**k yourself. Maybe this will teach that you don't want me as an enemy, you little—_(She is cut off as she is suddenly slammed up against the wall as Sadie adjusts in her seat. Sadie's body presses into Katie's face, muffling her. Noah chuckles.)

Noah: You also really shouldn't be sitting like that, Katie. That can't be good for you. (Katie just scowls at him, unable to speak through the girth of her friend. Chef walks up to Noah, grinning proudly.)

Chef: Just as I suspected! He had himself morphed into a seat cushion all along!

Noah (sarcastically): You hit the nail on the head, Chef.

Chef (not noticing the sarcasm): Thanks! (Chris scowls at Noah from the front of the bus.)

Chris: Noah! What is the meaning of this? (He holds up the baby.)

Noah: You'll have to ask my parents that question. They're the ones who made that thing.

Chris: No! Why is it up here, and not with you?

Noah: Well, since I'm a believer in educating children while they're young, I thought I'd give him to Chef, to teach him about closeted homosexuality. (Chris frowns.)

Chris: Well, then why didn't just give him to me?! I feel insulted! (There's a long, awkward silence. Chris slowly realizes what he said, and face palms. He takes a deep breath, tries to smile, chuckling through his teeth.) Heh heh. That was a joke. (Nobody laughs. The silence continues.)

Noah: So… are we done talking?

Chris: No! We need to get back on the topic. I am disappointed in you, Noah. (He sighs.) I entrusted you with the sanctity of youth. Yet now, as you sit before me, I have never felt more betrayed. (He displays the baby to Noah.) This is your brother! Your own flesh and blood! One would think that you would have a desire to ensure that he is protected at the time when he is most fragile! Yet you abandoned him. Did you know that he is in his most crucial stage of development, as we speak? The choices you make and the example you set will have a profoundical impact on his psyche, possibly permanently. You show a child a world of compassion, and he too will learn to love. You show a child a world of abandonment and cynical one-liners, and he too will be a condescending ass-wipe. You are poisoning him! You are—wait, hold on a second, are you SERIOUSLY reading a book right now?! (Noah, who was reading from a book, looks up.)

Noah: Nope. I'm actually looking up "profoundical" in the dictionary, because I swear that isn't a word. Maybe try proofing these emotional speeches before you use them, Christopher.

Chris: Not really helping to disprove my point about you being a condescending ass-wipe, Noah.

Noah: All right, all right. I'll stop. What do you want me to do?

Chris: I just want you to be a halfway decent older brother, by god! How hard is that?! I want you to be there for your sibling, to nurture, protect, and love him! I want to see genuine human emotion and bonding!

Noah: Why?

Chris: Uh, because it will be great for ratings? Duh! (He laughs, before growing stern again.) Anyways, I'm putting in place a new rule. If you let this baby out of your sight again, there _will_ be dire consequences.

Noah: Oh really? (He rolls his eyes.) I'm so scared. What could you possibly—

Chris: I will eliminate from this game. Permanently. No Redemption Cabin, no swinging back in on a vine, no descending into a feral monster and staying here to creep on everyone, no nothing. And you will never return for another season. You will have disappeared forever. You will be banned from the reunion special. You will be banned from the Aftermaths. You will be banned from "Where Are They Now?" segment ten years later where all of you are homeless, alcoholic, dead, or a combination of the three.

Noah: Isn't that a bit of an overreaction?

Chris: Quite the contrary! It's the only way I can ensure that you treat your brother with the respect he deserves. (He picks up Noah's brother tenderly, smiling at him.) Such pure and untouched beauty must be handled delicately. (He turns back to Noah, his face solemn.) I am entrusting you once more with this beauty. Do not let me down. Anyways, heads up! (He rears his arm back, and tosses the baby in Noah's direction. However, the baby sails right out the window, four seats in front of Noah. The whole bus is silent for a very long time. Nobody says anything, as Chris fidgets, sweating running down his face. Finally, the host sighs, shaking his head.)

Chris: Wow. They really weren't lying when they said sports weren't your forte, Noah. (Noah laughs with disgust.)

Noah: Oh, come on. You've got to be joking. We all know that throw sucked.

Chris: HA! Yeah right! My throw was right to you! You should have easily caught that!

Noah: How?! By ripping off my limps, attaching them together in a chain, and using them to reach eight feet in front of me?!

Chris: Sure! That would've been one possibility! (He crosses his arms.) No way is it _my _fault.

Courtney: You're the one who thought it was a good idea to THROW A BABY.

Chris: I see it more as, _lightly handing _a baby through the air from a safe distance.

Gwen: You were thirty feet away! And you threw overhand!

Chris: Ah, well. Tomato, tomahto.

Katie: That phrase doesn't pertain to this situation at all! (Chris turns away defensively.)

Chris. Well, damn. Are _all_ of the females gonna get up in my grill today?

Chef: Hey now! I don't approve, either! What were you thinking, throwing a precious child like that?! And even more importantly, why are you using the phrase "up in my grill" when you're obviously white?

Chris: As I said, are _all _of the females gonna get up in my grill today?

Chef: WHAT ARE YOU SUGGESTIN' THERE, MCLEAN?!

Bridgette: Guys! Why are we arguing among one another when we don't even know if the baby's okay?! (She gets up, and runs to the exit. However, before she can leave, Duncan appears intercepts her.)

Duncan: Outta my way, blondie. (He pushes past her, and reaches behind his back.) All right, I have one question. Does this belong to someone? (He pulls his hand out from behind his back, holding Noah's brother. Everyone bursts into cheers. Chris beams, and runs up to Duncan.)

Chris: Duncan! MY SAVIOR! (He collapses upon the delinquent, sobbing with joy. Duncan pushes him off.)

Duncan: Dude, get off of me!

Chris: Sorry. I'm just so ecstatic! YOU SAVED ME SO MANY LAWSUITS! (Everyone glares at him, and he tugs at his collar.) Erm, I mean—you saved the child! Hooray!

Duncan: I just did what anyone else would do if they were in my situation. I'm just lucky I was there at the right time.

Chris: Let me guess… you saw the baby falling out the window, and fast as you could, you dived, catching it just as it was about to hit the ground.

Duncan: Actually, it just kind of landed on my head—(He is cut off as Chris nudges him forcefully.) Um, erm, I mean, yes! That's what happened. I dived and I caught the baby. It was awesome.

Chris: Wow. You truly are a hero, Duncan. An all-American hero. (He sniffles, and wipes a tear away from his eye.)

Duncan: I do what I can. But you're the real hero here, Chris. For _providing_ me the opportunity to be your hero.

Chris: Aww… thanks, man!

Duncan: No problem. (Courtney scowls.)

Courtney: Okay, can you two get a room or something? None of us feel like watching you jerk off to one another! (Chris turns to her in anger.)

Chris: It's called a _bromance_! Look into it! (Duncan places hand on Chris's shoulder.)

Duncan: No, Courtney's right. We can't spend too much time congratulating ourselves. Really, I'm just happy that the child is okay. That's all that really matters to me. (Chris nods, and begins whispering in Duncan's ear.)

Chris: Damn! Did you think of that one yourself?

Duncan: Yep. Told you I don't need your help.

Chris: Well, keep it up. Gwen's probably already salivating over you as we speak!

Gwen: You do know I can hear you, Chris.

Chris: No you can't! (He pats Duncan on the back.) Well, you did a great job, my friend. Now why don't you give the baby back to Noah?

Duncan: Sure. (He nonchalantly tosses the baby through the air in Noah's direction. However, it is way off line, and Noah has to dive into the aisle to catch it, hitting the floor with a thud. Duncan notices everyone glaring at him.)

Duncan: What? He caught it!

Bridgette: And what if he hadn't?

Duncan: Well… the floor _is _carpeted.

Courtney: So you ACTUALLY think that makes it okay?!

Duncan: Hey, a bruise never hurt anyone. (Everyone continues to glare at Duncan, and Chris quickly steps in, chuckling nervously.)

Chris: Heh heh. Um, I'm sure Duncan realizes now that what he did was very wrong. (He turns to Duncan.) Now, how about you just go sit with Gwen? We do have to start up this tour, you know. (Duncan nods, and walks over to sit down next to Gwen. Once seated, he turns and smiles at her.)

Duncan: I've missed you, gorgeous.

Gwen: Go shove it in a blender, douchebag.

Duncan: Ooo… kinky. I like it. (He winks at her. Gwen just groans, and scoots away from him. Duncan sighs.)

**Confession Cam**

**Duncan: Okay, I might not have gotten off on the best foot with Gwen. Throwing the baby probably didn't help. And the blender thing… hey, she's Goth. I thought it might be something she was into. You can't blame me! **

**Gwen: Uggh… I can't stand Duncan anymore. He thinks he can just walk in and get me to fall all over him! But I'm still not forgiving him for that whole Total Drama Ezekiel crap. He's got a **_**loooooong **_**way to go before I forget **_**that**_**. (Suddenly, Ezekiel sticks his head through the window.) **

**Ezekiel: Uh, it was Total Ezekiel Island. **

**Gwen: What? **

**Ezekiel: It wasn't **_**Total Drama Ezekiel**_**. It was called **_**Total Ezekiel Island**_**! You'd think you'd want to get your facts right. Go back and look at the title of Chapter 14, and you'll see it that it definitely says "Total Ezekiel Island".**

**Gwen (sarcastically): Oh yeah, because it **_**totally**_** makes a difference. **

**Ezekiel: It does, eh! Total Drama Ezekiel sounds **_**lame. **_**(He pauses, thinking.) All though, admittedly, "**_**Ezekiel Drama Island**_**" wouldn't have been too bad. It has a ring to it. **

**Gwen: Is that all you wanted to say to me? **

**Ezekiel: I aint finished, woman! I also wanted to put in a good word for my homie, Duncan. He's really a great guy, and I think any girl would be lucky to have him. (He sighs.) Sadly, I am prevented by the fact that I have a penis, eh. But Duncan would be my top choice, if I no longer had said penis. (Duncan walks up next to him, and sticks his head through the window.) **

**Duncan: Thanks, homeschool! I really appreciate it. **

**Ezekiel: Don't mention it. A unibroo'w like **_**that **_**deserves the praise. And I'll be the first to say that I'm a HUGE Gwuncan shipper.**

**Duncan: Really? **

**Ezekiel: Of course! You two go together like two darkly-clad, makeup-wearing potatoes, eh. **

**Duncan: Well, I have to say, I'm a bit of a Gwenzekiel shipper myself, bro. **

**Ezekiel: Wow! Really? **

**Duncan: Of course! (The two continue to chat with one another, not noticing that Gwen has already left the bathroom.) **

**End of Confessionals**

(Courtney's Dad is cruising down one of the forest paths in his convertible, leaning back in his seat.)

Courtney's Dad: Ah, finally… I'm away from all those peasants. Now let's get some music going. (He turns on the radio, and it starts blasting "Fancy" by Iggy Azalea. Courtney's Dad glances around, to see if any cameras are following him. There are none to be seen. He then cranks it up as loud as it can go, so much that the car begins shaking. Courtney's Dad sings along to the lyrics, laughing as he goes.) I'M SO FANCY! YOU ALREADY KNO-OW! I'M IN THE FAST LANE! FROM L.A. TO TOKYO! (He laughs.) I DON'T EVEN CARE THAT THERE CAN'T BE A HIGHWAY THAT CROSSES AN OCEAN! **I LOVE THIS SONG!**

?: OMG, ME TOO! (Courtney's Dad jumps in his seat at the unexpected voice, and frantically clicks off the radio. Then he looks around, paranoid.)

Courtney's Dad: Who was that?! (Another voice speaks up, from behind him.)

?: Like, are we almost at the mall yet? (Courtney's Dad whips around, and gasps when he sees Lindsay and her mom sitting in the back seat.)

Courtney's Dad: What the…?! (His eyes drift down to their boobs for just a moment, before he snaps out of it, scowling.) WHO ARE YOU?! (Lindsay stares at him, confused.)

Lindsay: …U? (She laughs.) U is a number in the alphabet, silly! Duh! (Courtney's Dad stares at her.)

Courtney's Dad: So much stupidity… in one sentence… I can't take it… (He glares at them.) Whoever you are, you need to get out right now! There's only room for one!

Lindsay's Mom: Aww… but you promised you would take us shopping!

Courtney's Dad: I did no such thing!

Lindsay: But there's even a mall nearby!

Courtney's Dad: No there isn't! We're on an island in the middle of nowhere! How'd you two even get in here without me noticing? (However, Lindsay and her mom are no longer paying attention to him, instead choosing to giggle to one another.)

Lindsay: What are _you _buying when you get to the mall?

Lindsay's Mom: I'm going to like, totally, like, buy some clothes!

Lindsay: That's sooooo, like, _revolutionary_. I NEVER would've thought of that! (Courtney's Dad sighs.)

Courtney's Dad: This conversation… is melting my brain…

Lindsay: Wow… it must be _really _revolutionary then, if it's make your brain melt! You're a genius, mom!

Lindsay's Mom: You know what would be even _more _genius?

Lindsay: What?

Lindsay's Mom: If we gave this car a paint job!

Courtney's Dad: WHAT?! (Lindsay's Mom whips out a bucket of pink paint.)

Lindsay's Mom: I don't know, black just isn't doing it for me. Pink would be sooo much better! (Before Courtney's Dad can stop her, she dunks a large paintbrush in the bucket, and pulls it out, so that it is dripping with paint. She then reaches over and splatters the paint against the side of the car, creating a large pink splotch.)

Courtney's Dad: NOOOOOOOOOOO!

Lindsay: OMG, that looks great!

Courtney's Dad: NO IT DOESN'T! IT LOOKS LIKE THE PINK PANTHER EJACULATED ONTO MY CAR DOOR!

Lindsay's Mom: OK, way to make it like, totally gross. (Roaring in anger, Courtney's Dad lunges into the backseat, and frantically begins trying to wipe up the paint with his hand. However, it just gets on the sleeve of his suit.)

Courtney's Dad: GAH! WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO MY CAR?!

Lindsay: Duh, because pink is TOTALLY in fashion right now.

Courtney's Dad: Yeah, among TWELVE-YEAR OLD GIRLS!

Lindsay's Mom: We just need to finish the paint job. Then you'll see the truth. Pink is the bomb! (She starts dipping the paintbrush back in the bucket, but Courtney's Dad grabs her hand.)

Courtney's Dad: Don't even try, you blonde psychopath! You're going to get out of my car right now! (Lindsay, meanwhile, is looking forward, confused.)

Lindsay: Wait, hold on a second—

Courtney's Dad: No! (He starts trying to force the car door open.)

Lindsay: But what about—

Courtney's Dad: I don't care! (He has the car door open now, and is trying to push Lindsay's Mom out of it.)

Lindsay: Seriously, though, like, who's driving? (Courtney's Dad suddenly realizes that the car is still going at over 100 mph, and he is in the back seat.)

Courtney's Dad: Oh. (He suddenly notices that they are approaching a tree.) ***********************************************! (He quickly tries to jump back into the driver's seat, but it's too late. They slam into the tree, and the car immediately bursts into flames. Lindsay, Lindsay's Mom, and Courtney's Dad all go flying out of the car, and land farther down the path. They lay there for a few minutes, as debris falls around them. Slowly, they finally get up, choking on the exhaust fumes.)

Lindsay: Owww… that was like, sooooo not cool…. (Courtney's Dad, meanwhile, is staring at the burning wreckage that once was his car, his eyes glassy. He can only stand and watch, unable to do anything. Lindsay's Mom suddenly comes up behind him.)

Lindsay's Mom: Um, I don't think this is the mall.

Courtney's Dad: AAAUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH! (He roars in anger, ripping at his hair. Lindsay walks up to stand next to her mom.)

Lindsay: Wow! He's even more disappointed than we are!

Lindsay's Mom: Yeah. He must have really wanted to go to Abercrombie and Fitch. (Lindsay places a reassuring hand on Courtney's Dad's shoulder.)

Lindsay: Don't feel sad. We can totally buy you a new suit! (Lindsay's Mom nods, grinning.)

Lindsay's Mom: And it can be pink! (Courtney's Dad then collapses in the ground, sobbing.)

**Confession Cam**

**Lindsay: I was, like, really sad that we couldn't go to the mall! But hey, I'm sure we'll get there eventually. We can just find some other man we don't know to take us! As my mom always said, you should always get into a car with a stranger if he offers to take you to the mall. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Tour Bus**

Chris: Chef, let's start it up! (Chef nods, and jams his keys into the ignition. The tour bus roars to life, before slowly moving forward, down the path in front of them.)

Chris: And, our tour of the glorious Camp Wawanakwa is officially underway! Everyone buckle your seat belts!

Uncle Dave: We don't have any seat belts, dude.

Chris: Yeah, that's the first thing you should know about Camp Wawanakwa. There are no seat belts. (He notices everyone glaring at him.) What? There was only so much room in the budget! It was either seat belts, or a collection of custom-made, hand-crafted toothbrushes.

Katie: Then you choose the seat belts, you dumbass!

Chris: Um, no. (He holds up a toothbrush.) Look at this toothbrush! Tell me this isn't the best toothbrush you've ever seen. It even has a dog's face on the end of it! That's the pinnacle of innovation, right there.

Courtney: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!

Chris: Don't lie to me. We all know you wouldn't hesitate to shove this in your mouth. (He pauses, frowning.) Hold on a second. Speaking of stupid, is it just me, or is this bus missing a large portion of its stupidity quota? (He looks around.) Where are Lindsay, Tyler, Trent, Ezekiel, and Izzy? (He looks around some more.) Or Cody, for that matter?

Courtney: Wait… so what you're telling me is that you decided to leave with literally _half _of the campers missing?!

Chris: Not _half_… just 50 percent.

Courtney: That's what a half is!

Chris: That is a narrow-minded viewpoint. (He shrugs.) Eh, they'll be fine. They know their way around this island. Well, except for Lindsay. She's probably a goner. Oh, and Tyler too. Although the fact that he's survived this long is always a mystery to me.

Uncle Dave: How do you say that so nonchalantly? (He shakes his head.) I don't know what to say about all of this, bro. You treat babies like footballs, you don't get seat belts for this bus even when you've already crashed it once, and you don't even care when the campers randomly disappear!

Chris: Cool. Thanks for the episode recap, mom. Your point?

Uncle Dave: My point is that you seem a little irresponsible to be looking after our children, dude! They could get hurt! (Chris bursts out laughing.) What's so funny?

Chris: You're kind of new to this show, aren't you? Injuries are pretty much the only reason we're still on air.

Uncle Dave: So you're saying that you _actually_ want to _exploit _their _suffering _for _money_?

Chris: Yes I do, Mr. Italics. But that does NOT mean I don't care for the well-being of my campers! (Everyone laughs hysterically at this, except for Geoff, who stands up, frowning.)

Geoff: Wait, guys. He _does_ have a point. Chris really isn't such a bad guy! Sure, he's sometimes a little scary. I'll admit that I have required extra pairs of underwear during some of the challenges he's made us do. But you know what? He's teaching us important life lessons, dudes! How to survive on our own! How to test our full capabilities! How to be the best we can possibly be! (Jeff grins.)

Jeff: Preach it, brother! (Chris grins.)

Chris: See? I have the testimony from one of my campers to prove it!

Noah: Yeah, but I'm pretty sure that getting the seal of approval from Geoff only hurts your case. (Chris crosses his arms.)

Chris: Whatever! I'm done arguing this point. Let's just get on with the tour. (Meanwhile, farther down the path, Cody is sprinting as fast as he can, panting with every step.)

Cody: I can't… avoid her… much longer… but when she finds me… (He shudders, and starts sprinting even faster, new found terror in his stride. Suddenly, he notices the tour bus approaching, and sees Chef driving. He runs over to the middle of the path, and holds his hands up, waving them frantically.)

Cody: Hey! Chef! Wait! Stop the car! (Chef notices the geek, and turns around to face Chris.)

Chef: Um… Chris?

Chris: Yes?

Chef: We have a situation up here.

Chris: If you have to the restroom, I swear to God—

Chef: Just come up here! (Chris sighs, and walks up to stand next to Chef. Chef points to Cody, who is now only 100 yards away.) What do we do about that? (Chris crinkles his nose in disgust.)

Chris: Ew. I can't stand hitchhikers. I'll handle this. Get out of the seat for just a moment. (Chef gets up, and Chris sits down in his place. The host then slams his foot into the gas pedal, making the bus speed forward, right at Cody. Cody sees the bus fast approaching, and begins jumping up and down.)

Cody: Hey! Slow down! Let me on! (However, the bus does not stop, and Cody has to dive into the thickets on the side of the path to avoid getting run over. Chris then gets back up out of the seat.)

Chris: There you go. Problem solved. (Chef sits back down, and the bus returns to its normal speed. Chris then turns around, and sees that everyone is on the floor of the bus, groaning in pain.)

Noah: That… is why you need seat belts. (Chris sighs.)

Chris: Sorry, guys. I just had to deal with a pesky hitchhiker. You know how they are. (Gwen gets up, clutching her head.)

Gwen: Yeah, that pesky hitchhiker being Cody! (Chris raises an eyebrow.)

Chris: Cody? Really?

Bridgette: Yes! He was trying to get on the bus! And you almost ran him over!

Chris: Key word being _almost_. Besides, we don't have time to be stopping the bus for every little thing. (Suddenly, he notices a bird perched in a tree, and gasps.) STOP THE BUS! (The bus screeches to a halt, sending everyone flying onto the floor again. Chris then runs up to the window, his eyes sparkling with adoration.) Look at that bird! Isn't it amazing? (Everyone glares at him from the floor. Chris frowns.) Wow. I guess you guys just don't appreciate nature.

**Confession Cam**

**Chris: Man, things are not going well so far. My image is definitely going to need some major re-working after today. (He takes a deep breath.) But seriously though, that was an awesome bird. Worth the stop for sure. And the almost broken necks that resulted. **

**Cody: Damn… I can't believe Chris almost killed me like that! (He thinks for a moment.) Wait, hold on a second. Yes I can. (He sighs.) Anyways, at this point, somehow Sierra still hasn't found me. Maybe I outran her to camp? (He laughs.) That would be amazing! (Suddenly, he hears a voice coming from inside the toilet.) **

**Sierra: *sigh*… Best view in New York City. (Cody springs up from the toilet seat, and Sierra sticks her head out of the toilet, grinning.) Hey Cody-wody! **

**Cody: What the hell?! How long have you been in there?! AND WHY ARE YOU IN THERE?!**

**Sierra: Oh, I've only been here, like, 30 minutes and 26 seconds. (She chuckles.) It was really hard fitting my body in here. But I'd do for even a glimpse of the best view in New York City. **

**Cody: WE'RE NOT EVEN IN NEW YORK! (He runs out of the bathroom, sobbing.) **

**End of Confessionals**

**Wawanakwa Forest**

(Grandpa Ezekiel is walking proudly through the forest, with Trent following behind, scowling. They stop at a clearing, and Grandpa Ezekiel turns around to face Trent.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: You know, I'm so glad we can enjoy this male bondage together, Ezekiel. (Trent groans.)

Trent: Dude, it's called male _bonding_.

Grandpa Ezekiel: What's the difference, eh?

Trent: Trust me… there's a difference.

Grandpa Ezekiel: But—

Trent: I'm NOT getting into it. Just don't say that word. (He beckons to the cameramen following them.) The viewing audience may get the wrong idea. (Grandpa Ezekiel gasps when he notices the cameras.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: Wha…? Have they been following us this whole time? (Trent grins proudly.)

Trent: Yep. Filming us, too. And I didn't even have to offer sexual favors in return. (He pauses, and turns to the cameramen.) Um, can you just cut out that last sentence?

Cameraman: Nope. (Before Trent can respond, Grandpa Ezekiel angrily pounds his foot into the ground.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: Well, I don't approve of this! These guys are impeding on our bondage!

Trent: _**BONDING! **_

Grandpa Ezekiel: What he said! (He then turns to the cameramen.) Noo'w get oo't of here, eh! (He charges at them, yodeling like a madman. The cameramen quickly run off, screaming in terror. Grandpa Ezekiel then calms down, and wipes his hands off with satisfaction.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: That should take care of that. (Trent stares at him in disbelief.)

Trent: What the f**k, man? Why would you scare them away like that? They weren't harming anyone! They all wanted to film me! And now they're GONE! (He slumps his shoulders, and begins to cry. Grandpa Ezekiel walks up to him, and gingerly places a hand on his shoulder.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: Now listen, Ezekiel… I know you're at a very insecure time in your life… but you don't need the validation of others to feel like more of a man! (He smiles comfortingly.) If you ever need validation, I can always validate you myself, eh.

Trent: I don't even want to know what "validate" means in this scenario.

Grandpa Ezekiel: How about you just calm down and enjoy the wonder of nature? (He walks to the center of the clearing, and throws his hands up to the sky, tilting his head back.) Ahh… doesn't it feel great to be out here? Feeling the powerful wind hitting your face… (He leans back, and sighs with relief, letting the breeze wash over his naked body. Trent covers his mouth and chokes, resisting the urge to barf. He walks up next to Grandpa Ezekiel, scowling.)

Trent: Okay, I know I've suffered enough. You need to tell me what you heard, right now.

Grandpa Ezekiel: Are you kidding, eh? The adventure has only begun!

Trent: No! I'm done playing your games, you—(Suddenly, Grandpa Ezekiel clamps a hand over Trent's mouth.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: Sorry, grandson, but I need you to be quiet for a moment. (He cups his other hand to his ear, listening suspiciously to the air. Slowly, he turns to Trent.) I don't want to alarm you, but someone has been following us. And they are watching us right noo'w, eh. (Trent claps his with joy.)

Trent: YAY! IT MUST BE MORE CAMERAMEN!

Grandpa Ezekiel: No! It's someone else. He's been here the whole time. And you've never noticed, eh. (Trent stops cheering, and his eyes widen.)

Trent: What… what do you mean…?

Grandpa Ezekiel: I mean, he's right above your head. And I think he's aboo't to poo'nce, most likely with violent intentions, eh. (Trent stares at him in horror.)

Trent: Wha—

Grandpa Ezekiel: ISN'T THAT RIGHT, YE BASTARD?! (He suddenly whips out a bow-and-arrow, and fires it up into the tree. It disappears into the leaves, and there is a loud yelp. The leaves rustle a bit, and then out falls Ezekiel, an arrow sticking out of his butt. The homeschool lands on Trent, and lies on top of him, groaning in pain. Grandpa Ezekiel walks up to Ezekiel, grabs him by the collar, and throws him off of Trent. He then helps Trent up.) You all right, grandson? (Trent nods.)

Trent: Thanks, man… you really saved my ass there. (Smiling, he picks up the bow-and-arrow, examining it.) So, where'd this bow-and-arrow come from? I never saw it on you. Where were you keeping it? (Grandpa Ezekiel chuckles.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: Let's just say, I always keep a loaded trunk. (Trent's smile immediately disappears. He quickly drops the bow-and-arrow, and sprints off in the direction of the river.)

**Confession Cam**

**Trent: I think someone will need to amputate my hand. Any volunteers? **

**End of Confessionals**

(After a few hundred yards of running, Trent reaches the river, and frantically thrusts his hand in. He begins scrubbing it with a rock, cringing to himself.)

Trent: Damn it… how he even fit it in there? (He shudders in disgust. Suddenly he hears loud, heavy breathing in front of him, and looks up to see Ezekiel standing in the water, watching him. The prairie boy's face is deep red, his teeth gritted in rage. Trent gasps.) You?! How'd you get over here so fast?!

Ezekiel: I was carried through the air at light speed, buoyed by the thought of impending justice.

Trent: Um… what?

Ezekiel: What I mean is, your time's up, home-slice. Time for you to repent your sins, eh. (He takes a step forward, and pulls out a baseball bat. Trent quickly stands up, and throws his hands up in defense.)

Trent: Whoa, dude! I don't know what your deal is, but you need to calm down. Just tell me what you're so pissed about.

Ezekiel: I shall. (He snaps his fingers.) In the form of SONG!

Trent: Wait, what—(Suddenly, music starts playing. Trent looks around, confused.) Where the hell is this music coming from—(He is cut off as Ezekiel belts into song.)

**(The Following Is Set to the Tune of "Boyfriend Kisser". Enjoy.) **

Ezekiel (singing): _GRANDPA HUGGER!_

_I THOUGHT HE WAS MY FRIEND, _

_BUT NOW IT'S TIME TO, UH… _(He thinks for a long time.)

_CRAP, THERE AINT NO RHYMES FOR THAT. _

_ANYWAYS, _(He takes a deep breath.)

_**GRANDPA HUGGER! **_

_YOU'RE GONNA GET, WHAT'S COMIN' TO YOU! _

_IF IT'S THE LAST THING, I EVER DO-O-OOOOOOOOOOO! _

Trent: Great, I get the message—

Ezekiel: THAT'S RIGHT!

_THAT'S RIGHT!_

**THAT'S RIGHT! **

_**THAT'S RIGHT!**_

Trent: Yeah, I _am _right, so you can stop the singing now—

Ezekiel: _LET'S GO A LITTLE BACK, _

_WE CAPTURED DUNCAN IN SACK,_

_AND HAD A LAUGH ATTACK, _

_WHEN YOU STRETCHED ME ON THE RACK! _

Trent: Okay, now you're not even bothering to change the song lyrics anymore—

Ezekiel: _ALL THOSE TIMES YOU MADE ME SMILE, YOU WANTED MY GRANDPA! _

_ALLLL THE WHIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLEEEEE!_ (Suddenly, Sierra appears next to Trent.)

Sierra: _Duh! It was so obvious!_ (Trent stares at her.)

Trent: WTF?! Nothing about that is obvious—

Ezekiel: _GRANDPA HUGGER! _

_YOU'RE NOT MY, NEW BROTHER! _

_HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF I_

_RAPED YOUR MOTHER?! _

Trent: Okay, that's completely different from—

Ezekiel: _GRANDPA HUGGER!_ _YOU'RE GONNA GET—_

Trent: STOP! JUST STOP! (Ezekiel finally stops singing.)

Ezekiel: Did you enjoy my rendition? I wrote it myself.

Trent: I can tell. (He sighs.) Listen, Ezekiel. I'm _not _trying to steal your grandpa. Trust me, you can have him. Take him! Please! (Ezekiel eyes Trent suspiciously.)

Ezekiel: Oh yeah, eh? And how do I know yer not just lyin' to me, so you can go back and sneak another hug with my grandpa without me noticing?

Trent: Because you grandpa is a psycho, inbred, illiterate, disgusting piece of hillbilly trash?

Ezekiel: Yeah, but he gives _great _hugs.

Trent: Sure, if you enjoy being sexually violated by a wrinkly sack filled with all the worst traits of the Amish people. (He sighs.) Listen, I could dispense cleverly conceived insults about your grandfather all day. But my point will remain the same: we're on the same side, here, dude. We both want him to stop paying attention to me, and realize that you actually _want _his attention. So I propose a plan. (Ezekiel perks up.)

Ezekiel: I'm listening, eh. (Trent nods.)

Trent: All right, so our goal is to somehow get it through "Grandpa Ezekiel"'s head who his actual grandson is. But let's face it: it's going to be impossible to simply have you try and impress him. For some reason, he's obsessed with the idea that I'm his grandson. (He grins cockily.) Really, who can blame him? Anyways, the point is, because he's focused on _me_, _I _have to be the one to somehow change his mind. So here's what I plan to do; I'll act like a spoiled, obnoxious douchebag for the rest of this trip, so that you end up looking like an angel in comparison. Then he'll realize that you're a much better grandson than I could ever be, and we all live happily ever after. You two are reunited, and I make it out unmolested.

Ezekiel: Do you think that would actually work?

Trent: It's the best shot we have. So do we have a plan? You sit back and relax, while I act like a complete dick.

Ezekiel: Woo'w. Even more than you already are? Is that physically possible, eh? (Trent scowls.)

Trent: For your own sake, I'll forget you said that, Ezekiel. So, do we have a deal? (He holds out his hand. Ezekiel grins.)

Ezekiel: Deal. (He blows a snot-rocket into his palm, and clasps Trent's hand in return. Trent stares down at their interlocked hands. Then he rips his hand free, screaming, and dives headfirst into the river.)

**Confession Cam**

**Trent (soaking wet): Of course, I was pissed when all the cameras left- I felt like I had gone out on this stupid subplot, subjecting my eyes to what will surely be permanent trauma, for nothing. But then Ezekiel showed up. (He grins.) Ezekiel is someone I've always wanted to align myself with. Katie has also mentioned him as someone of interest. If we brought him in, then our alliance would be stronger than ever before. Sure, Ezekiel is emotionally unstable, and one of the most disgusting human beings I've ever encountered. But at the end of the day, he's loyal. And that's important in this game. So I knew that this was the perfect opportunity to pay him a favor, and help him "gain his grandfather's acceptance", or whatever awkward terminology he used. And in return, he'll owe me. He'll ask, "Whatever can I do for you, eh?" And I'll say, "All we need is your vote, my friend," (He rubs his hands together, smiling even wider.), I'll make sure he asks his grandpa for that Duncan info, too. (He laughs.) A perfect plan, really. This CAN'T go wrong! **

**(Static)**

**(Ezekiel is humming the tune to "Grandpa Hugger", while polishing his baseball bat. Finally, he looks up at the camera.) **

**Ezekiel: Trent thinks he's playin' me like a fiddle, eh. But playas don't get played, homie! (He grins.) That's right. I know what Trent's **_**true**_** intentions are. I know he's still got his eye on my grandpa. And he's just trying to push me aside, so HE can have my grandpa all to himself! (He crosses his arms.) Well, tough luck, homie. This playa's not goin' down withoo't a fight, eh. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Tour Bus**

(The Tour Bus continues to chug down the forest path. Chris clears his throat, and begins reading off of a flash card.)

Chris: In case you were wondering, we are currently traveling through Wawanakwa Forest.

Noah (sarcastically): Oh really? I couldn't tell.

Chris (scowling): _Anways_, I'll now tell you all a little about this area of the island. A pristine and vibrant locale, Wawanakwa Forest is filled with an endless supply of beautiful views, preserved in all of their timeless elegance. From its towering trees to its rolling, grassy hills, Wawanakwa Forest means an immense amount not only to the ecosystem, but to our own adventurous hearts, as well. Once you're in Wawanakwa Forest, you can't help but feel like a child again, discovering a whole new world to explore. I hope you can join me as we enjoy this thrill of adventure together, in what is truly one of my favorite places in the whole wide world. Thank you. (Everyone's silent for a while. Finally, Chef speaks up.)

Chef: Chris, I'm just going to speak for everyone when I say that entire monologue was complete and utter bullsh**.

Chris: It was not! It's all true! Did you know that Wawanakwa Forest is one of the Seven Wonders of the World?

Noah: Oh really? Then tell me, what are the other six "Wonders"?

Chris: My face, my chest, my back, my butt, my legs, and my internal organs. Oh, and did I mention my face?

Noah: Okay, I didn't think it was possible, but that was the most arrogant thing you've ever said.

Chris: Thanks, Noah. (He sniffles.) It's good to know that I still have it, after so many years.

Gwen: So, care to point out any examples of this "pristine and elegant landscape"? I'd love to see what you think deserves this description.

Chris: Heh heh… of course! You Goth girls and your environmentalism. It's so cute. (He walks over to one of the windows, and scans outside, trying to find something. Suddenly, he gasps.) Oh, my! Look at that! (He points outside.) Have you ever seen something so… _breathtaking_? I've simply lost my will to speak! _That_… _that _is just amazing!

Katie: You're pointing at a bush.

Chris: Ah… and what a glorious bush it is! Now, let's see what other magnificent landmarks we can discover. (He glides over to the other window, and peers out of it. He gasps. He beckons to a rock jutting out of the ground. Half of it is white, covered in bird droppings.) And look at that! Nature's canvas has created a wondrous piece of art for us!

Courtney: How is that art?! It's literally bird sh** splattered on a rock!

Chris: I see it as channeling a bit of Jackson Pollock, to be honest. Moving on… (He looks around some more, and then points up into a tree, where a long, deflated cylinder is hanging from one of the limbs.) EVERYONE! Do you see what I'm seeing?! A snake, slithering among the highest branches of the beautiful redwood!

Courtney: I'm, like, 99.5 percent certain that's an old used condom.

Duncan: Really? (He looks up at the tree.) Old reliable? Is that you? After so many months? (He notices Gwen giving him the death stare, and he cringes.) Um, not like it belongs to me. That's disgusting.

Chris: No! It is not pregnancy prevention paraphernalia of any kind. It's a snake! A mysterious beast of the forest! (He groans.) Why can't you guys appreciate the beauty you see before you? (He suddenly notices that Geoff and Jeff are still staring mesmerized at the rock covered in bird crap.)

Geoff: Dude… that's amazing…

Jeff: I know… (He wipes a tear away from his eye.) It's like… _so deep_… like, why is half of it white? WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!

Geoff: I don't know, man… but it's totally changing my life right now… I'M A NEW MAN! (Chris grins.)

Chris: Finally! Some people are experiencing the magic!

Noah: Yeah, two people who are stoned out of their minds.

Chris: I never said that couldn't be part of the magic. (Suddenly, the air fills with smoke, making everyone cough violently, covering their mouths to avoid inhaling the fumes. Chris glares at Jeff and Geoff, his eyes watering.)

Chris: That was _not _me giving you permission to light a bong in the middle of the bus!

Jeff: What are you talking about, dude? This smoke isn't coming from us.

Chris: Then where could it… (Suddenly, he notices the wreckage of a car, smashed into a tree, burning bright with powerful flames.) Oh. That would probably be the answer. (Suddenly, the sound of groaning fills the air. Chris turns, and sees a figure standing in the middle of the path, slowly walking towards them like a zombie. He appears to be wearing a tattered suit.)

Chris: Ew. Another hitchhiker. I'll deal with this. (He reaches forward with his foot, trying to press down on the gas pedal.)

Courtney: No! Hold on a second. (She eyes the figure as he approaches, and gasps.) _Dad_? (The figure finally pulls out of the smoky fog, revealing himself to indeed be Courtney's father.)

Chris: Ew. Courtney's father. I'll deal with this. (He tries to press down on the gas pedal again.)

Courtney: Stop! Don't you dare try running him over!

Chris: But… he's such a douche!

Courtney: He's still my dad. (Courtney's Dad finally arrives at the bus, scowling. His hair is a mess, his face is covered in oil, and his suit, along with being tattered and ripped, is splattered with pink paint.)

Courtney's Dad: Took you ingrates long enough.

Bridgette: You know, that might be the most hypocritical thing you could possibly say after we just saved from being stranded in the middle of the woods. (Courtney's Dad turns to face her, scowling.)

Courtney's Dad: And who are _you_, blondie? _You're _just a nobody. _I'm_ a CEO of thirteen successful companies.

Noah: And yet you still look like the Pink Panther ejaculated all over your chest. (Courtney's Dad glances down at the large pink paint spot on the front of his suit.)

Courtney's Dad: That was NOT my fault! I was _assaulted _by two fearsome criminals!

Courtney: Really? Who were they?

Courtney's Dad: They were deadly. Cunning. Manipulative. Frankly, I'm lucky to have— (Suddenly, he is interrupted by two loud squeals. Lindsay and her mom run onto the bus, jumping for joy.)

Lindsay: YAY! WE FOUND ANOTHER RIDE! NOW WE CAN GO TO THE MALL! (Lindsay's Mom cheers, before suddenly gasping, her eyes growing wide with shock.)

Lindsay's Mom: OMG, Lindsay. I, like, _totally _just thought of something!

Lindsay: What is it, Lindsay's mom?

Lindsay's Mom: What if… along with clothes… we also bought _shoes _at the mall?

Lindsay: Whoa! How did you come up with that?! You're like, the next Albert Einstein! But with way better fashion sense! (Sadie turns to Katie.)

Sadie: Do you see this? We're witnessing scientific history here, Katie. (She wipes a tear away from her eye. Katie realizes with growing horror that Sadie isn't joking. Meanwhile, Duncan is laughing at Courtney's Dad.)

Duncan: Dude… you got mugged by _Lindsay_?

Courtney's Dad: I was _not _mugged! She simply snuck into my car with her mother, and they attacked me!

Duncan: Yeah… that's what "mugging" is, dude.

Courtney's Dad: Whatever! (He points accusingly at Lindsay and her mom, who wave cheerily at him in return.) Look at them! Have you ever seen more sinister beings in all of your lives?! They must be tried and punished for their infamous crimes!

Chris: Sorry, bro. But that's not happening.

Courtney's Dad: Why not?!

Chris: Because they have boobs, and you don't.

Courtney's Dad: That is the most mundane, barbaric reasoning I've ever heard! (He sighs, and crosses his arms.) But very well. If that is the law of the land, then I shall follow it.

Chris: Um, what are you suggesting here—?

Courtney's Dad: I have the money. I will gladly hire a surgeon to increase the size of my bosom, if it means these two monsters are brought to justice! (Chris holds up his hands defensively.)

Chris: Dude, just calm down. Please. No one wants to see that. That wouldn't be enjoyable for any of us. We'll pay you back for your car. Now you can calm down, get over the fact you got owned by two females, and go sit down with your daughter.

Courtney's Dad: Hmmph. Very well. (He strides over to the seat that Courtney occupies, and angrily sits down next to her. He turns to her, and sees that she has a small smile on her face.) What are _you _so happy about? (Courtney quickly stops smiling.)

Courtney: Nothing.

**Confession Cam**

**Courtney: I have to be completely honest. Yes, my dad was embarrassing himself on national TV. Crashing his car into a tree, threatening to get a boob job… And you know what? I was loving every minute of it. I mean, can you really blame me? (She smirks.) Now he finally gets to see that it's not so easy to look good on a reality television program, after all. (She sighs.) Okay, that boob job comment was just flat-out embarrassing. Why'd he have to say that? **

**End of Confessionals**

(Grandpa Ezekiel and Trent are walking down the forest path together. Grandpa Ezekiel is just finishing up telling a story to Trent.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: ...Thus, after many long hours, I finally reached the peak of the moo'ntain. I yelled oo't in ecstacy. I had made it. I savored the moment. My hard work had finally paid off. I wiped the sweat from my broo'w, and drifted into a peaceful slumber. (He grins.) And that's the tale of hoo'w your grandmother and I conceived your father. Okay, your turn to tell a story, eh. (Trent stares forward, his eyes vacant, looking like a concentration camp survivor. Slowly, he starts to speak.)

Trent: Well, after that story, I guess I'll tell the story of why I decided to beat myself over the head with a hammer repeatedly until all of my recent memory was erased. (He scowls at Grandpa Ezekiel.) I said you could tell me a story! I didn't say you could deliver a verbal erotica novel involving you and grandma inside of a barn! That's the kind of thing that will permanently screw someone up!

Grandpa Ezekiel: Oh, come on noo'w. You always loved it when I told you that story as a child, eh. (Trent sighs.)

Trent (muttering to himself): That really explains so much about Ezekiel.

Grandpa Ezekiel: Huh?

Trent: Nothing. (Grandpa Ezekiel turns back behind him, and glances at Ezekiel, who is following them with his hands in his pockets, a murderous look in his eyes.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: So… I hope you don't mind me asking, but who's this guy again?

Trent: Oh, he's just a friend of mine. We're actually best friends. "Besties", if you will.

Grandpa Ezekiel: So he's your best friend, and he tried to kill you?

Trent: Come on now. That's a bit of an exaggeration. He wasn't trying to kill me. That's just, uh… a little "game" we play. (Grandpa Ezekiel nods.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: Ah, I see. Well, I'm not one to intrude on the fun and games of my grandson, eh. I'm just glad you've made a friend that didn't isn't an inanimate object. So do you really enjoy playing this game?

Trent: Uh, of course. It's my favorite. (Grandpa Ezekiel beams.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: Good to hear, because it looks like your friend wants to keep playing.

Trent: Wait, wha—(He is cut off as something hard and metallic slams into the side of his face, sending him sprawling onto the ground. Clutching his cheek, Trent looks upward, and sees Ezekiel standing over him, holding a baseball bat in his hand and grinning triumphantly down at him.)

Ezekiel: Looks like I've won the game, eh. (Trent glares at him.)

Trent: Are you brain-dead?! Didn't you listen to me five minutes ago?! I told you we're _on the same team_! Why are you attacking me again?! (Ezekiel snorts.)

Ezekiel: There are only two teams here, homie: my bat, and your face. (He raises the bat high again, preparing to strike. Trent glances in Grandpa Ezekiel's direction for help, but sees that the old man has already skipped off into the distance, whistling to himself. Trent then turns back to Ezekiel pleadingly.)

Trent: I'm trying to help you, dude. But you're not making it very easy, what with the constant attempts to maim me.

Ezekiel: Oh really, eh? You're trying to help me? And that's why you were as enthralled with my grandpa's story as a five-year-old before bedtime?

Trent: _Enthralled_? Are you kidding me right now?!

Ezekiel: Don't deny it. (He crosses his arms.) That was my favorite story as a kid! And he's only supposed to tell it to _me_!

Trent: You _enjoy _that story?!

Ezekiel: Of course, eh! It teaches me about my heritage. About the pride and courage that is associated with my bloodline. The traits that I must carry on throughout my life.

Trent: That's one way of interpreting it.

Ezekiel: That's the _only _way! You think you know better than ME? You think you can just waltz into my life, put on a toque, start "oo't"-ing your "outs", and have full access to my grandpa as a result? Well, my baseball bat has anything to say aboo't that, eh! (He raises the baseball bat again. Trent holds up his hand.)

Trent: Listen to me, Ezekiel. Hurting me isn't the answer to your problems. Do you think your grandpa will _ever _accept you back if you do that? Isn't it all about honor? More importantly, how could you live with _yourself_? (Ezekiel listens to these words as he stares into the distance, biting his lip. His hands begin to shake. He then bursts into tears, and grabs Trent, hoisting him up.)

Ezekiel: WHAT WAS I THINKING, EH?! (He sobs into Trent's shoulder.) I can't hurt an innocent man! YOU _**ARE **_ON MY SIDE! (Trent chuckles nervously.)

Trent: Uh, yeah. That's what I was saying. (He glances around.) Now, can you get off of me before a cameraman sees us? (Ezekiel lets go of him, grinning.)

Ezekiel: I'm so glad I can finally see the truth, eh. We're in this together. (His grin grows wider.) Together forever.

Trent: Yeah… let's omit that "forever" part. But the rest is true. We have to work together if we want to succeed.

Ezekiel: HELL YEAH! (He swings his baseball bat excitedly, and Trent has to jump out of the way to avoid getting hit again. He rubs the back of his head, cringing.)

Trent: However, I _do_ feel that the baseball bat may be impeding on our ability to work together right now. Just an observation. (Ezekiel nods solemnly.)

Ezekiel: Of course. Your wish is my command. I shall never harm another human being from here on oo't, eh! So I have no need for this! (With that, he swings his arm around, before flinging the baseball bat off to the side. It rebounds off a tree, however, and flies back at them, slamming into Trent's gut and making him keel over, gasping for breath. Ezekiel sheepishly rubs the back of his head.) Uh… starting noo'w.

Trent (gasping for breath): Let's hope so. (Suddenly, a loud shriek of joy rings out through the air from up ahead.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: EZEKIEL! YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS, EH! BUT BE READY WITH ANOTHER PAIR OF PANTS, BECAUSE YOU WILL MOST CERTAINLY SH** THEM WHEN YOU SEE HOO'W AMAZING THIS IS! (Trent turns to Ezekiel.)

Trent: You know, we _could _just ditch him…

Ezekiel: Not an option, eh. We need to keep trying to make him see the light. (Trent sighs.)

Trent: Fine. Then let's go see what's happening before he goes into cardiac arrest and sees the light prematurely. (The two run up to where Grandpa Ezekiel is standing. The old man is staring at something, shaking with excitement. He turns to them.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: Finally, you guys made it! What took you so long? Ah, no matter. It's good to see you, Ezekiel. It's also good to see you, Ezekiel's weird pale friend who looks exactly like the Ezekiel I remember but couldn't possibly be Ezekiel.

Trent: Uh… good to see you too. Even though we literally saw each other one minute ago. Anyways, what are you so excited about? (Grandpa Ezekiel's eyes glint.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: Prepare yourselves, gentlemen. You have never seen anything like this, and you shall never see anything like it afterwards. Take a look, boys! (He proudly points to the landmark he was staring at. It's the rock that's half-covered in bird crap.) Isn't that just the most amazing thing you've ever seen? (Trent stares forward, confused.)

Trent: Umm… is it behind that rock that's half-covered in bird crap?

Grandpa Ezekiel: No… that's what I wanted to show you! (Trent stares at him.)

Trent: This is a rock that's half-covered in bird crap.

Grandpa Ezekiel: Sure. But… look at it, eh! Hoo'w could you say this isn't absolutely mind-blowing? I mean, why is it half-covered? Why not entirely covered, or not covered at all? It's obviously a message! There's something truly magical going on here.

Trent: It's half-used seagull toilet. Great. I could care less. (Grandpa Ezekiel grows a very sad facial expression.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: Woo'w. Where's your sense of wonder, eh? This isn't the Ezekiel _I _remember. He would find this fascinating. (Trent's eyes flash at this, and he quickly turns to Ezekiel. Ezekiel catches on, and speaks up.)

Ezekiel: Umm… I find this fascinating, eh. (Grandpa Ezekiel turns to him.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: Really?

Ezekiel: Oh yeah. It's simply amazing! I need to have a closer look, in fact. (He walks up to the rock, and places his hand upon it, rubbing his fingers across its surface.) Woo'w! It's smooth to the touch! (He raises his hand up into the air, revealing that he has white residue on his palm.) Look at that! I'm part of the artwork too noo'w! (While Trent gags in disgust, Ezekiel's grandpa nods approvingly.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: So, what do you think this all represents? What's the artistic message, eh?

Ezekiel: Hmm… (He looks off into space, deep in thought.) I believe it symbolizes the human condition.

Grandpa Ezekiel: Woo'w… so deep.

Trent: That wasn't deep! That could literally mean anything! (He starts to take a step farther down the path.) Can just we leave now? I'd kind of like to focus on getting out of this forest already.

Grandpa Ezekiel: Hold on, Ezekiel. I want to take a picture of you and your friend with the rock! So I can remember it forever. (Trent groans.)

Trent: Fine. But this is the only picture, got it? (He walks over to the rock, and stands next to Ezekiel. Grandpa Ezekiel grins.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: Come on, you guys! Closer together! (Trent inches a little bit closer to Ezekiel, but they are still standing eight feet apart.) Closer than that!

Trent: I'd really prefer not to. (Grandpa Ezekiel shrugs.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: Fine, be a hater. Now say "curdled dairy product"!

Trent: Uhh… I think it's supposed to be "say cheese". (Grandpa Ezekiel chuckles.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: Soo'ry, eh. I still have a hard time grasping all that crazy slang you modern teens use. (Trent stares at him in disbelief.)

Trent: Dude, "say cheese" has literally been around since the 1940s. How f**king old are you? Were you born in the 1800s?! (Grandpa Ezekiel ignores him.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: All right, let's take this picture. Say cheese, eh! (He whips out a gun, loads a bullet into the chamber, and points it directly at Trent's head.)

Trent: AHHHHH! (He frantically grabs the gun out of Grandpa Ezekiel's hands, and throws it to the ground. This makes the gun fire off, however, and Trent has to jump to avoid being hit. He then turns back to Grandpa Ezekiel, glaring.)

Trent: What the hell, man?!

Grandpa Ezekiel: What? I just wanted to take a picture, eh.

Trent: With a _gun_?!

Grandpa Ezekiel: No, silly! With a camera! (Trent picks up the gun, and displays it to him.)

Trent: This is not a camera, man! It's a gun! How could you confuse the two?! (Grandpa Ezekiel chuckles.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: You teens and your hip new gadgets. I always get them confused, eh. (Trent stares at him.)

Trent: Okay, bro. I don't know how to tell you this, but guns have been around since, like, the 1200s. You are literally so Amish that it physically hurts to think about it.

Grandpa Ezekiel: Aww… thanks, Ezekiel! (He points into the distance.) Now, let's continue on our adventure, eh! While we have finally entered Mother Nature's metaphorical vagina, we still haven't reached her metaphorical ovaries! (With that, he gallops off. Ezekiel follows after him, galloping in the same manner. Trent watches them go for just a moment. He looks left. He looks right. Then he slips the gun into his back pocket.)

**Confession Cam**

**Trent: Hey, I'm going further and further into a forest with two psychopaths. It's about time I had a way to defend myself. I may very well need to use this gun at some point. **

**End of Confessionals **

(Trent runs to catch up with Ezekiel and his grandpa, when suddenly, he notices that they're standing in a clearing, talking to two other individuals. Trent slows down, watching suspiciously. Grandpa Ezekiel suddenly notices him, and turns, grinning.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: There you are, Ezekiel! You'll never guess who we ran into, eh! They said they were out on adventure, just like us! (He moves, revealing that they are standing with Tyler and his grandma, who still has shards of glass sticking out of her skin from jumping out the window. Tyler grins, and waves at Trent.)

Tyler: Hey, Ezekiel! Good to see you! (Trent just stares at him.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: He's a little shy. Don't worry aboo't it, eh. (Tyler's grandma walks up to Trent, running her eyes over his body.)

Tyler's Grandma: Hmm… (Trent flinches as she reaches forward and touches his chest.) Strong torso… (She squeezes his upper arms.) Good, large biceps… (She reaches around back, and to Trent's horror, she grabs his butt cheeks.) Nice, firm butt… (She looks at him for a moment more. Then she sticks out her hand.) Welcome aboard, soldier. (Trent stares at her.)

Trent: I'm not boarding anything after that. (He turns to Grandpa Ezekiel.) Care to explain why this woman 10 times my age just felt me up like I'm some sort of slave on an auction block?

Grandpa Ezekiel: She was just making sure you're ready. (Trent throws his hands up in exasperation.)

Trent: Ready for _what_?

Ezekiel: Ready for adventure, eh. (Tyler nods.)

Tyler: We decided that since we were all out exploring here in the forest, we should all just explore together! BOOYAH!

Grandpa Ezekiel: Isn't that great? With this band of five, we'll make amazing discoveries! What say you, Ezekiel? (Trent swallows deeply. He looks from Grandpa Ezekiel, to Tyler, to Tyler's Grandma, to Ezekiel. The four are all facing him, smiling. Trent slowly chuckles.)

Trent: Uh… go team? (Everyone cheers.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: You heard him! LET'S GOOOOOOO! (They all sprint off. Trent watches them leave, before slowly following after them.)

**Confession Cam**

**Trent: Scratch that… I will DEFINITELY need to use this gun at some point. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Camp Wawanakwa**

Chris: Attention, passengers. We have now arrived at Camp Wawanakwa. (The bus arrives at the cabin area.) If you look to your left, you'll see our wonderful cabins. Out of all the components of the Total Drama experience, the campers always have the most praise for the comfortable, welcoming sleeping arrangements we make sure to provide on a daily basis.

Katie: Name one camper that has _ever _said that to you.

Chris: How about _you _name one thing that you don't love about the cabins? (Katie is about to speak, but Chris cuts her off.) Actually, don't answer that question.

Uncle Dave: So, can we go inside the cabins? You've made them sound pretty awesome. Might as well check em out, huh?

Chris: Er… I don't believe that will be necessary. Just trust me when I say that the interior is spacious and relaxing, yet intimate at the same time.

Gwen: Yeah, if you want to get intimate with all of the diseases known to mankind.

Chris: Hey, our cabins provide a biology lesson, too. Sorry you don't want to learn. (Suddenly, he notices Cody, inching towards the door of cabin. Chris grins, and beckons to Cody.) Look at that! One of our campers is trying to sneak into the cabin, so he can have it all to himself! There's your proof, right there. (Cody angrily turns to Chris.)

Cody (whispering): Dude! Quiet down! We can't let Sierra know I'm over here! (Chris whips out his megaphone, and begins yelling into it.)

Chris: WHAT?! I COULDN'T HEAR YOU! YOU REALLY SHOULD SPEAK UP!

Cody: Damn it, dude! You ruined my hiding place! Thanks a lot! (He sprints off again. Chris shrugs.)

Chris: I wonder what his problem was. (Duncan meanwhile, nudges Gwen playfully, and points to the cabin, smiling.)

Duncan: Remember that special moment we shared over there, Gwen?

Gwen: Oh yeah, you and Cody carving a peephole to watch me and the other girls change is such an amazing memory. (She rolls her eyes. Duncan shakes his head, still smiling.)

Duncan: No no. Before that. Back in the first season, remember? That's where we shared our first kiss! Remember the passion we felt? Remember how you were able to finally let it go, and show your wild side after so many years of restraining it? Don't you want to experience that rush again? (Gwen groans.)

Gwen: That was Courtney, Duncan. (Duncan frowns.)

Duncan: Really? (He takes out a Venn diagram, with one bubble marked "Courtney" and one bubble marked "Gwen". He then glances down at the Courtney section, and sees "First kiss at the cabin". Duncan face-palms.) Whoops.

Gwen: Nice try, jerk-ass. (Duncan sighs, and puts away the Venn diagram. He looks at Gwen, sincerity in his eyes. He takes her hand.)

Duncan: Listen, Gwen. I've made a lot of mistakes. That was one of them. But isn't it time you at least gave me another chance? To start anew? (Gwen withdraws her hand from his grasp.)

Gwen: Sorry, Duncan. But you can't just press a button, and expect all of your problems to magically disappear.

Duncan: Well, actually, you can. That's pretty much what Mike did in Total Drama: All-Stars.

Gwen: Yeah, well, this season's writing doesn't cheat like that.

Duncan: Oh really? What about Geoff having a twin brother that we've somehow never heard about?

Gwen: It's Geoff, Duncan. If it doesn't involve boobs, partying, or cereal, he's probably not going to talk about it. (She shakes her head.) I'm not taking you back. Please, just give it up. It would be doing yourself a favor.

Duncan: But—

Gwen: We can be friends, Duncan. I still like you. _But only as a friend_. (She eyes him dangerously.) You try and make a move on me, and I'll make it so that you never have to worry about using a condom again. Catch my drift? (Duncan can barely muster a nod, cringing to himself at what she just said.) Good.

**Confession Cam**

**Duncan: Wow. So this is what it feels like to be in the Friend Zone. I don't like it, man! I feel cramped! It's like the walls are closing in on me! (He pounds on the sides of the bathroom furiously.) GET ME OUT! (Gwen frantically opens the door.) **

**Gwen: What's wrong?! (Duncan sees her, and grins. Gwen scowls at him.) Okay, why are you grinning at me like a pedo? **

**Duncan: Because now I know that you **_**do **_**care. **

**Gwen: Only because I thought you were having a mental breakdown! (Duncan smiles.)**

**Duncan: Does that sort of thing turn you on? (Gwen slams the door again.) I'll take that as a "no". **

**End of Confessionals **

Chris: Next in our tour, we have the bathrooms.

Geoff: Dude, is this really a necessary stop?

Chris: Of course! The bathrooms at Camp Wawanakwa are some of the finest in all the land. With their smooth, tiled floors, majestic shower stalls, and state-of-the art toilets, they are, quite simply, the closest thing you can have to a religious experience in a lavatory.

Uncle Dave: So we can go inside?

Chris: Um… moving on! (The tour bus continues onwards, until it stops in front of the Mess Hall.) Now, we have the Mess Hall. Here, the campers are fed three gourmet and nutritious meals a day in a cozy and camaraderie-filled atmosphere. It's also a great place to reflect on the day's activities with your friends, and as a result, it is one of the favorite hang-out spots for the campers.

Noah: Seriously, have you been watching some other camp? Nobody hangs out in there. If you try, Chef appears out of nowhere and charges at you with a butcher's knife, chasing you out as he sings "Turn Down For What" at the top of his lungs. (Chris turns to Chef, crossing his arms. Chef shrugs.)

Chef: Hey, I can't be havin' no brats distractin' me in there! I need to be able to focus while I'm cooking! (He turns back so that he is facing forward in the driver seat, and smirks. He begins thinking to himself.) _And by "cooking", I mean taking off all my clothes, lathering my body in peanut butter, throwing a canvas upon the floor, and rolling across it, creating art of my naked form. _(He suddenly notices everyone staring at him in shock. Chef sighs.) I definitely just said that aloud, didn't I? (Everyone nods.) F**k.

Chris: Scarring imagery aside, the food options are endless at the Mess Hall, so we can assure that there's something for every camper, no matter their personal tastes.

Bridgette: I'm pretty sure the only choice we get is whether we want our maggots alive or dead. (Chris glances at the family members, sweat running down his face.)

Chris: Oh, don't mind her. She's just joking.

Courtney's Dad: You do know we've seen this show, right? You're not fooling anyone. (Chris lets out a sigh of relief, and wipes away the sweat from his brow.)

Chris: Whew. That's a relief. Pretending to be a decent person is _exhausting_! (Everyone glares at him.) What? I'm just being honest here! (Jeff, meanwhile, is looking out the window of the bus, whistling to himself. Suddenly, he notices Chef, who is standing next to the Mess Hall and mopping the ground. The cook waves at him cheerily. Puzzled, Jeff looks back to the driver's seat, and sees Chef sitting in it, fiddling with the controls of the bus. The twin turns back to the Mess Hall, where the other Chef still is mopping the ground. Jeff slowly turns to Chris.)

Jeff: Uhh… Chris?

Chris: Yes, Geoff?

Jeff: Well first, it's _Jeff_, dude.

Chris: Yeah, great. I don't care. What's up?

Jeff: I don't know if I'm just _really_ high right now… but what's up with that? (He beckons to the Chef outside the Mess Hall, before beckoning back to the Chef in the driver's seat. Chris sees what he is referring to, and chuckles.)

Chris: Looks like we have a real treat for you, folks. You are now all witnessing your very first "goof". A fairly common occurrence here at Total Drama, goofs happen when there's a collective brain lapse among the animators of the show. I like to call it an "animated aneurysm", if you will. Goofs can range from articles of clothing and/or body parts disappearing from campers' bodies, to competitors becoming absent from group shots for entire scenes.

Courtney's Dad: And you're okay with this?! What if they don't come back?

Chris: That's never a problem. Eventually, the producers notice the issue, and fix it for the remainder of the episode.

Bridgette: Then why don't they ever go back and edit the episode so that the goof is no longer there?

Chris: Because that requires a lot of effort, Bridgette. And this is Total _Drama _Island, not Total _Effort _Island.

Bridgette: That reasoning literally doesn't make any sense. If anything, seeing Cody randomly show up at an elimination ceremony his team wasn't even a part of takes the viewers out of the drama of the moment, and instead leaves them perplexed as to why he was there!

Sadie: Oh yeah, I remember that! During Katie's elimination back in TDI! That was a really weird.

Chris: Let's be honest, Cody was probably there because there were females with female body parts. (He shrugs.) At the end of the day, we can't question the decisions of the producers. And hey, sometimes goofs can be fun. You just have to understand that they will happen. A lot.

Jeff: Oh… I get it. So _that's _why your hair looks like it's disconnected from your body, almost like a poorly-worn toupee! It's just a goof! (He laughs. Suddenly, he notices that Chris isn't smiling. The whole bus is silent. Slowly, Geoff leans over, and whispers in his brother's ear.)

Geoff: Dude… I don't think that's a goof. (Jeff stops smiling.)

Jeff: Oh. (The silence persists, until suddenly, a scream rings out through the air. The sound came from Lindsay's Mom, who is clutching her hand in terror in one of the seats near the back.)

Lindsay's Mom: WHAT IS THIS?! (She holds up her hand, displaying it to Chris.)

Chris: _That_, Lindsay's Mom, is a _hand_. Most humans tend to have them.

Lindsay's Mom: No, I mean, like, where did one of my fingers go?! Oh god, this is DISGUSTING! (She vomits over the seat, right onto Courtney's Dad's back. Courtney's Dad sighs, and puts his head in his hands. Chris walks over to Lindsay's mom, and pats her head reassuringly.)

Chris: Don't worry, Tiffany. You'll get your fifth finger back once you leave the show. According to the animators, it's just really hard to consistently draw people with five fingers. Thus, they kept it at four.

Noah: Are the animators in kindergarten or something?

Chris: Hey, you can't even complain. At least they didn't give you dark, soulless, empty pits where your eyes are supposed to be. (He points up at the sky.) I'M STILL NEVER GOING TO FORGIVE YOU FOR THAT! (Suddenly, another scream rings through the air. Everyone glances in the direction of where the noise came from, being Uncle Dave, who is cowering in his seat.)

Chris: Oh great. What's wrong now?

Uncle Dave: Dude… I was just sitting here minding my own business, when this thing suddenly popped up out of nowhere right next to me! Scared the crap out of me! (He points to a box floating in the air next to him, with "CN" written on it in block letters. Chris nods.)

Chris: Ah, yes. You always have to watch out for the Cartoon Network logo. It tends to pop up in the corner of the screen at random moments. Let's just say that if you don't get out of the way, it can be rather painful if it hits you. (He sighs.) Those poor, poor interns.

**Confession Cam**

**Noah: You know, we're not even breaking the fourth wall anymore. At this point, we're essentially raping the fourth wall in front of his wife and kids. **

**End of Confessionals**

(Noah steps out of the Confession Cam, cradling his brother. He jumps in surprise when he sees everyone standing right outside. Chris steps forward out of the crowd, smiling, and beckons to the outhouse.)

Chris: As you can see, Noah just used something we call the "Confession Cam". (Noah rolls his eyes.)

Noah (sarcastically): Yeah, this isn't weird at all—(He is cut off as Chris shoves him out of the way, before turning to face the crowd.)

Chris: Here, the campers can vent their innermost secrets, where no one but most of Canada can hear. Now, why don't all you newbies try it out? (The words have barely left his mouth when Lindsay's mom sprints past Chris and races into the Confession Cam, slamming the door shut behind her.) Looks like someone's enthusiastic! The rest of you can get in line behind her. (The remaining loved ones reluctantly file into line.)

**Confession Cam**

**Courtney's Dad: Almost done… (He finishes fixing his hair, and buttons up the last button on his new suit.) There we go. Good as new. (He pauses, and scowls.) Okay, wait. This is just ridiculous. How is my confessional suddenly first? Everyone saw Lindsay's Mom go inside before any of us. (He shakes his head.) The cretins that write this show need to get a grip. Seriously. Anyways, speaking of that… **_**blonde barbarian**_**… I plan to see her in court soon enough. My lawyer has advised me not to speak any more on the matter. But I'll tell you this: I will destroy her. She **_**will **_**lose, and it will be swift and soul-crushing. I've taken all the precautions. I've even made sure we have a gay judge for the trial, so she cannot attempt to claim victory through manipulatively flirtatious means, such as the tactic of baring her impressive cleavage. Still, I'm sure she won't go down without a fight… she's surely planning her counter move as we speak, the criminal mastermind that she is. **

**Lindsay's Mom: I just thought of something. What if we wore **_**shoes**_**… on our **_**hands**_**? (She holds up her hands, wearing her high-heels on them.) **

**Uncle Dave: Well, here I go. My first confessional. I guess I'll start by saying that I really like surfing. I also—(He is interrupted as Chris sticks his head in.) **

**Chris: -am really boring. NEXT! **

**(Static)**

**Jeff: Geoff doesn't suspect a thing. (He smiles.) Perfect. I hope he enjoys himself today. Because this will be his last day on the island. **

**End of Confessionals**

(Meanwhile, during the Confessionals, Chris is standing near a tree, admiring himself in a handheld mirror. Suddenly, his nose scrunches up in disgust. He scowls at Noah, who is sitting on a stump nearby, reading a book with the baby sitting on the ground by his feet.)

Chris: Noah, I can smell that from here. (Noah looks up, and holds up his book.)

Noah: Yeah, it's called education. Sorry if the stench of it bothers you.

Chris: That's not what I'm talking about! That brother of yours needs a diaper change! (Noah looks around nervously, avoiding eye contact.)

Noah: Uhh… what's this "diaper change" you speak of? I've never heard of it.

Chris: Don't play dumb with me. You're changing that diaper, Noah. Now. (Noah shakes his head and stands up.)

Noah: No way, Mclean. That wasn't part of our deal.

Chris: Well, it is now. You'll find everything you need in the Mess Hall.

Noah: Why in the world do you have diaper-changing materials in the Mess Hall?! (Chris ignores the question.)

Chris: Hold on a second. I have to go interrupt that boring guy's confessional. (He sprints over to the outhouse, sticks his head in through the window for a few moments, and then runs back.) That was close. He was seriously about to put the entire viewing audience into a coma. And not the good kind, either.

Noah: Hmm. I was unaware there was a "good" kind of coma.

Chris: Yeah… I don't know what I meant by that. Anyways, you can find the baby powder in the storage room, next to the peanut butter.

Noah: You're insane if you think I'm going anywhere near the peanut butter after Chef's little "unintentional public confession".

Chris: I don't _think _you will. I _know _you will. Because if you don't, you can pucker up and kiss the million dollars goodbye.

Noah: But I'm going to miss the challenge—

Chris: What's more important to you? The love of your brother, or a stupid competition?

Noah: Okay, that statement is just contradictory on so many levels. You do realize that you're blackmailing me to be my brother's babysitter _by _threatening to take me out of the competition, right? So actually, by giving into your demand, if anything, I'm showing how much more I care about the game than I do about him.

Chris: Enough with you and your logic! Now get out of here! (Noah sighs, and walks off. Chris grins proudly, placing his hands on his hips.) You sure showed him, Chris. (He pauses, thinking.) Hmm. Now that I think about it, why _do _we have diaper-changing materials in the Mess Hall? Ah, no matter. (Suddenly, his phone rings. He picks it up.) Chris Mclean speaking, fresh off yet another victory against my Indo-Canadian arch nemesis. (He gasps.) Producers? Again? WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?! (He stutters.) Err, I mean… what's up, guys? Or girls. Or strange genderless hybrids. You know, I feel like I don't even know you guys. Maybe we can get coffee sometime—I need to shut up again? All right. (He pauses.) Duncan? What about him? (He listens.) Of course. He's made _great _progress in the love triangle plan. (He listens some more.)

Chris: Nah, I disagree. I'd say Gwen's definitely falling for him. (He stops to listen.) Well yeah, she threatened to castrate him. But I don't think that's very relevant. (He stops, his eyes widening. He cringes.) Whoa, calm down! Don't use such hurtful language! You know, you call yourselves "producers", yet all you're producing right now are some real negative vibes, dude. (He listens.) Okay, I'll stop talking like Geoff, if you get climb out of my ass back for the next hour. It'll all be fine. So, anything else you want to tell me? (He listens for a while.)

Chris: Really? Are you sure? Oh my. That's unfortunate. So what should I do about it? (He listens, and chuckles nervously.) I don't know, man… he's not gonna be very happy when I tell him… (He nods.) But you're right. It's the only solution. The situation has to be dealt with. All right, I'll go approach him. I'll talk to you soon. _Adios, muchachos_. (He gasps as he listens to the other end.) No, you've got it all wrong! I wasn't trying to be racist there! Chill out! I was just adding a little cultural flair to your standard goodbye! (He grins.) And I must say, my Spanish accent is remarkably—huh? Looks like they hung up. (He shrugs, and slips his phone into his pocket. He then walks over to Chef, who is still manning the bus. He pats the cook on the back.)

Chris: Chef, my friend, today's your lucky day. (Chef raises an eyebrow.)

Chef: Do I finally get my paycheck?

Chris: No…

Chef: Are you going to let me finally leave this goddamn island?

Chris: Watch the f**king language, Chef. But no…

Chef: Then what?!

Chris: Well… do you know a girl named Eva? (Chef raises an eyebrow.)

Chef: Uhh… yeah. She's the one that scares the crap out of me. That mole, man… (He shudders.)

Chris: Okay, so here's a really funny story. She's still on the island. (Chef scowls.)

Chef: That's not a story, Chris! And it aint funny!

Chris: I'll just cut to the chase. You need to go track her down, tranq her, and ship her back to the loser lodge. (Chef stares at him.)

Chef: No. No. No no no no no. No to the no. _Hell _no! No! NO!

Chris: Glad to see you're so eager. (He hands Chef a bazooka.) You might need this. (He hands Chef a jock strap with a cup.) You might also need that. Scratch that—you'll _definitely _need that. (He grins.) Looks like you're good to go! Have fun!

Chef: No, man… I don't… I don't think so! She's going to kill me!

Chris: That's an exaggeration. I can assure you that you will retain at least one of your four limbs, if not two.

Chef: If you think it will be so easy, then why don't YOU do it? (Chris laughs.)

Chris: Because _I've_ got a show to run. I have to make sure everything goes according to schedule in a swift and efficient manner. A talent that few people possess.

Chef: Oh really? Because if that's the case, you're not one of them! You haven't even gotten to the reward challenge yet, and we're literally 27,000 words into the chapter!

Chris: I'm letting the family interactions play out! I'm allowing the drama to sizzle! I'm building suspense! It's what a good host does! (He sighs.) Listen, Chef. We can't keep arguing like this. It's half the reason this chapter is already so long. So if you do this one little favor for me… I'll give you your paycheck. (Chef eyes him suspiciously.)

Chef: You aint playin' no games with me?

Chris: No, Chef. No games.

Chef: And by "paycheck", you don't mean a free coupon to Chuck-E-Cheese like last time, right?

Chris: Oh, come on, Chef. We know you loved it there. But no. A real paycheck. (Chef takes a deep breath.)

Chef: Okay, man. I'll do it. (He throws his hands up to the sky.) LET'S GO CATCH THAT LESBIAN! (He presses his foot down on the gas pedal, and the bus speeds off, which Chef half-cheering, half-sobbing as it drives off into the forest. Chris smiles as he watches the vehicle disappear. Slowly, however, this smile vanishes as Chris comes to a realization.)

Chris: And… he just took the bus. (He turns around, and sees that everyone is back outside, looking at him. Chris smiles at them.) Who's up for a little walk?

Sadie: What?! WHY?! **I HATE WALKING!** _**WALKING SUCKS! **_(She throws herself upon Katie, sobbing into her shoulder.)

Chris: Well, Sadie, I just sent Chef off on a little errand, and in the process, I forgot to tell him that we were planning on driving to the location of the reward challenge. But not to worry—we can get there by foot.

Courtney: But just where _is _the reward challenge?

Chris: At the top of Mt Wawanakwa. (Everyone groans.) Come on now! Stop being lazy and get your rears in gear! A little walking never hurt anyone. Now, if you'll excuse me… (He starts to make his way towards his helicopter.)

Gwen: What, so you're not going to walk with us?

Chris: Are you kidding me?! Walking sucks! As if I'd ever walk. (Laughing as if this is the most ridiculous notion he's ever heard, he climbs into the helicopter, shuts the door, and flies off into the sky. With angry mutters, everyone begins hiking up the hill.)

_**Meanwhile, somewhere deep in the forest…**_

(Trent, Ezekiel, Grandpa Ezekiel, Tyler, and Tyler's Grandma are all still walking among the trees. They've long since left the main path, however, and are now traveling down a suspicious-looking dirt trail in a single-file line.)

Tyler's Grandma: Do you know what my favorite thing about the human body is?

Trent: No. And you're not going to tell us.

Tyler's Grandma (ignoring him): Its ability to heal. You see, with a car, the more it gets battered, the weaker it becomes. Then you have to spend thousands of dollars in repairs. (She grins.) But with the human body, it's the opposite. The body, believe it or not, thrives on contact—on collisions. With every hit, it doesn't wear down. It callouses up; it gets stronger. To me, that's wonderful.

Trent: To me, it's a mystery as to how you haven't been arrested by CPS yet.

Tyler's Grandma: Oh, they've tried. (She laughs.) 17 times. But they're gonna have to try a lot harder if they want to take me down.

Grandpa Ezekiel: Woo'w. You're so cool, eh. (He smiles at her. Tyler's Grandma giggles and blushes in return. Trent tries to restrain a snicker.)

Tyler: That reminds me, grandma. You do realize you still have shards of broken glass in impaling you right now, right? (Tyler's Grandma looks down, sees the shards sticking out of her, and laughs.)

Tyler's Grandma: Oh yeah! Totally forgot. I'll be fine.

Tyler: Yeah, probably. Still, the puncture wounds look deep enough that, for all we know, you could currently be bleeding internally from all your major organs, and thus, could die any second. (There's a long silence.) Now THAT'S extreme. HIGH-FIVE! (He and his grandma enthusiastically high-five one another, as Trent stares at them in horror.) So, how's my mom doing? (Tyler's grandma places a reassuring hand on his shoulder.)

Tyler's Grandma: Not to worry, grandson. She's doing just fine. Still in the hospital with a concussion, but other than that, she's looking great.

Tyler: What about dad?

Tyler's Grandma: Also still in the hospital with a concussion.

Tyler: Grandpa?

Tyler's Grandma: Still in the hospital with a concussion.

Tyler: Uncle Terrence? Aunt Margaret?

Tyler's Grandma: Yep. Both still in the hospital with concussions. (Tyler laughs.)

Tyler: Man, my family is so awesome. (Ezekiel suddenly gasps.)

Ezekiel: I finally get it, eh! (Tyler frowns at him.)

Tyler: What do you mean?

Ezekiel: _That's _the reason you came on this show! So you could win the money, and pay your family's medical bills! (He smiles at Tyler.) Hoo'w inspirational, eh. You should feel very proo'd, Tyler.

Tyler: Uh… yeah. Heh heh. Thanks.

**Confession Cam**

**(From three hours earlier)**

**Tyler: What would **_**I **_**do if I won the million dollars? (He laughs.) Duh! It's a no-brainer! I'd buy a lifetime supply of alarm clocks… in the shape of bananas! (He holds up a picture of one.) Look at that. That's just amazing. The pinnacle of innovation, right there. There is literally no better way I could spend my money.**

**End of Confessionals**

Grandpa Ezekiel: Let's stop here, troops. (They've reached yet another clearing. Trent groans, and kicks a boulder in frustration.)

Trent: Not again! I'm done just walking, and stopping. Walking and stopping! We need to get out of this forest! I WANT TO GO HOME! (He stomps his foot on the ground in anger. Tyler's Grandma turns to Grandpa Ezekiel.)

Tyler's Grandma: Wow. Does your grandson always act like a stuck-up little bitch?

Grandpa Ezekiel: I don't know what's gotten into him, eh. He's not usually like this.

Trent: Isn't it obvious?! I'm tired, I'm hungry, and my hair is messed up! And when that's the case, yeah, I GET PISSED OFF! I haven't even eaten anything all day!

Grandpa Ezekiel: But weren't you talking earlier about wanting to maintain a "slender physique" for the cameras, eh?

Trent: Sure, but there's a difference between "slender" and "emaciated skeleton", man! If anyone was filming right now, they'd think I was an Ethiopian refugee!

Grandpa Ezekiel: Well, not to worry, Ezekiel. I'm well aware that as general, I must make sure that I provide nourishment to replenish the strength of my troops.

Trent: AND STOP REFFERING TO US AS YOUR "TROOPS"! WE AREN'T IN THE FRENCH AND INDIAN WAR, OR WHATEVER 1700s BATTLE YOU F**KING FOUGHT IN!

Grandpa Ezekiel: Okay, calm down. We're going to get you your food, eh. That'll get you back to normal. (He whips out of his bow-and-arrow.) We'll hunt down the biggest beast in this whole forest! One that'll give us a feast!

Tyler: YEAH! WE'LL TAKE HIM DOWN! LIKE THIS! (He dives forward, and face-plants in the ground with a painful crunch. Grandpa Ezekiel looks sternly over at Trent.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: Now Ezekiel, you know your fair share of animals, right? What's the most dangerous, most fearsome one we can find, eh? One that'll make us legends if we take it doo'wn?

Trent: Well… (He looks around nervously. Suddenly, he notices a bunny that has hopped into the clearing. He points to it.) There we go. The most fearsome beast in all the land.

Grandpa Ezekiel: _That _little thing? It couldn't hurt a fly! Besides, that's barely any meat, eh!

Trent: Well, I'm kind of on a diet, so…

Tyler's Grandma: That might be the case, but we all want to eat too. Athlete's gotta eat, you know? (Tyler grins from his place on the ground.)

Tyler: Hell yeah! (He reaches up to high-five her, but his arm flops back down like a noodle, and he smacks himself in the face.)

Trent: Then we can get five bunnies! It's easy!

Grandpa Ezekiel: True, but where's the fun in that? By just hunting down a few plain old bunnies, we aren't finding any true satisfaction in ourselves. But by hunting down a beast, we can get plenty of food, _and_ our daily dose of adventure while we're at it! It's stoning two kills with one bird, eh!

Trent: You could not have gotten that phrase more wrong. (Grandpa Ezekiel turns to Ezekiel.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: What about you? Can you think of a monster we could try and catch? (Ezekiel thinks for a moment.)

Ezekiel: Well, there's the Sasquatchanawkwa. (Trent squeals in horror.)

Tyler: Oh yeah! That thing's HUGE! PACKED with meat!

Trent: No! That's crazy! We can't—

Tyler's Grandma: Sounds like plan. He'll be no match for the five of us.

Trent: Yes he will! He'll destroy us! (Grandpa Ezekiel puts his arm around Trent.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: Hey, getting destroyed isn't the worst thing in the world, eh. Think of it as another adventure! Only this adventure involves large amounts of pain.

Trent: No! I won't do it! I'll just stay here! (Grandpa Ezekiel shrugs.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: Well, then good luck finding your way back to camp, eh. (Trent stutters.)

Trent: That's just… you can't… AUUUGGGHHHH! I HATE ALL OF YOU! (He storms forward, muttering to himself in anger. Suddenly, a loud clang rings throughout the air. The other four turn to the source of the sound and see Trent keeled over, the Cartoon Network logo embedded in his crotch. Ezekiel cringes.)

Ezekiel: Ooo… always gotta watch out for that Cartoon Network logo, man. (Trent can barely muster a squeak.)

**Confession Cam**

**Grandpa Ezekiel: I'm so glad I get to go a'hunting with my grandson, eh! We used to do it all the time, back when he was a wee boy. Now we can experience the magic all over again! (He shrugs.) But I don't know, eh. Lately, Ezekiel hasn't really been himself. In fact, he's been kind of a… I don't know… what's the word… (He snaps his fingers.) Oh yeah! He's been kind of a **********************************************. **

**Tyler's Grandma: This Sasquatchanawkwa fellow? He better get ready. Because once I'm done with him… he'll wish he hadn't put so many goddamn vowels in his name. That's just a dick move to be perfectly honest… Anyways, that Grandpa Ezekiel guy… he's a **_**real **_**good-looking man. And I love a male that is willing to just let it all hang lose, you know? And **_**wow**_**, does it hang low. (There is a groan of disgust from outside the Confessional.) **

**Trent (from outside): I'd prefer to be able to wait in line for the Confessional **_**without **_**the disturbing description of a 90-year-old's scrotum, thank you very much. **

**Tyler's Grandma: Then stop lurking out there, and go do something productive, bee-yotch! **

**Trent: Oh, real mature. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Wawanakwa Slope**

Courtney: Hngh… (She is breathing heavily as she climbs up the hill. The entire time, she is carrying her dad piggy-back style. She turns to him, sweat running down her face.) Why do I have to do this again?

Courtney's Dad: Because these are new shoes, Courtney darling. And besides, it'd be a big first step in getting me not to loathe you anymore. (Courtney rolls her eyes, and keeps walking. Sadie, meanwhile, is wheezing as she walks next to Katie. She notices Courtney and her dad, and perks up at the sight.)

Katie: Not happening, Sadie. (Sadie sighs, and slumps her shoulders in disappointment. Geoff, meanwhile, is walking alongside his brother, and they are in the middle of an intense intellectual discussion.)

Geoff: Dude, remember that time we lit my butt on fire? (Jeff scratches his head.)

Jeff: Which time?

Geoff: Duh! The fourth time!

Jeff: Oh yeah, dude! That was my favorite one! You had to go to the hospital for, like, eight weeks!

Geoff: Dude, that was actually hella chill for what it was. I ate, like, tons of tapioca pudding while I was there. That shit's raw, man. It was totally worth the third degree burns.

Jeff: Totally. (His eyes drift over to Bridgette, who is farther head, walking alongside her uncle.) Anyways, speaking of hot ass… how are things with that blonde babe over there? (He nudges Geoff playfully. Geoff drops to the ground, sobbing. Jeff jumps back.) Whoa, dude! Did I really nudge you that hard?

Geoff: No, man… it's just that… SHE BROKE UP WITH ME! (Jeff gasps.)

Jeff: Huh? Why?

Geoff: I don't know, dude! Things just got so intense, man… I… I just screwed up so hard. (He wipes a tear away from his eye. Jeff helps Geoff up.)

Jeff: Don't worry, man. It's not your fault.

**Confession Cam**

**Jeff: Geoff disgusts me. He had the perfect girl in the palm of his hand, and he let it go to waste! (He scoffs in disgust.) It doesn't matter, though. He doesn't **_**deserve **_**her. She's smart, kind, and beautiful. Geoff is so dumb that he can't even realize that if his twin brother wants to set his ass on fire on four separate occasions, this said twin brother probably doesn't like him very much. (He takes a deep breath.) I believe it's time I informed you of my plan. I came here for one task and one task only. I am going to—(He is cut off as Geoff rips open the door.) **

**Geoff: Sup, bro! Whatcha doing? **

**Jeff: Geoff! A little privacy here? (Geoff stares at him blankly.) A little privacy, Geoff? (Geoff continues to stare blankly.) Geoff? (Geoff blinks, before continuing his blank stare. Jeff groans.) Ah, forget it. **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: Well, that took you guys long enough. (The six remaining campers and their loved ones have finally reached the summit, and are all collapsed on the ground. Chris walks over, his arms crossed.) In the time it took you losers to get here, I was able to eat 17 sandwiches, drink eight bottles of champagne, and watch the entire Disney Channel original hit, _Teen Beach Movie_! How'd it take so long? (He sniffs in disgust.) My god, you guys are fat asses! (After he says this, he stuffs another sandwich into his mouth.)

Gwen: Chris, either I can point out your hypocrisy, or you can. (Chris crosses his arms.)

Chris: Are you really going there? I like to binge eat, okay? EXCUSE ME FOR LIVING! Anyways, if you will all head this way… (With collective groans, everyone begins following him towards the edge of the cliff. Lined up on it are twelve planks, which extend outward. Farther inland sits a small set of bleachers. Chris beckons to the challenge set-up.) Welcome to your exciting family reward challenge.

Katie: Ooo… planks of wood. That'll get our adrenaline pumping. (Chris sighs.)

Chris: Glad to see that even in Noah's absence, I still have campers who judge me harshly on a daily basis. (He smiles at her.) But for once, I share your sentiment. That's why the planks are suspended over shark-infested water. (Everyone stops smiling. Courtney's Dad walks over to the edge of the cliff, and glances down to the water, where a number of sharks are swarming in a circle. He turns to Chris.)

Courtney's Dad: I see. So we must be harkening back to the cliff-diving challenge of Season 1, correct? One of the very first moments I ever felt true disgust in having a daughter. (He turns to Courtney, and looks at her pointedly. Courtney turns away in embarrassment. There's a long silence.)

Chris: Uhh… yeah. Man, this is awkward. Anyways, as you can see, I was planning on having twelve pairs for this challenge. But Trent, Izzy, Noah, Ezekiel, Cody, and Tyler are all gone, off doing who-knows-what. And unfortunately, those characters are the majority of the comedy on this show. But I guess we'll have to make do with what we have. (He looks over at Uncle Dave, and shudders.) It's not much. (Bridgette scowls.)

Bridgette: You know, Chris, I'm really getting tired of you constantly insulting my uncle. He's a really interesting dude, if you bothered to get to know him!

Chris: Sure, sure. And there _also_ exists a land filled with unicorns with penises for horns.

Bridgette: Now I'm worried as to why that's the very first thing that came out of your mind.

Chris: What? You have to admit, that'd be pretty cool. Anyways, I need to get on with explaining the challenge. Today, people are gonna walk the plank. I'm sure you were able to imply that. (He smirks.) But this time, it won't be the campers. I thought since most of you loved ones are new to this show, what better way to integrate you into the Total Drama culture than a nice, cultural plunge to your almost-certain death?

Courtney: What?! No! That's terrible! I don't want to see my dad have to do that!

Chris: Um… you do know this is the same dad who just made you carry him three miles uphill, and then proceeded to shame you in front of your peers, right?

Courtney: He's still my dad.

Chris: Wow, you've got issues. (He shakes his head in disbelief.) So, I need for all of the loved ones to walk over to the planks, and the campers to go sit in the bleachers. (Everyone shuffles around, so that they are now arranged this way. Sadie suddenly bursts into tears, and waves at Katie, who is sitting in the bleachers.)

Sadie: *sniff* KATIE! I MISS YOU!

Katie: We're five yards away each other, for god's sake!

Sadie: AND IT'S THE LONGEST FIVE YARDS EVER!

Chris: Aww… how cute. I must say, Sadie, the bond you and Katie share is truly inspirational. However, you may _think _you two know each other like sisters, but do you _really_? That'll all be tested, right here! (He looks over at the bleachers.) Underneath your seats, you will find a clipboard with a piece of paper attached to it, along with a pen. (He turns to the loved ones.) You will find the same materials next to your plank. Pick those up. (Everyone does so.) Wow, everyone is so compliant today. No arguing, no crying, no bitchy complaining of any sort. (He grins.) I knew Trent's absence would be a dream come true.

Gwen: Can we just get on with this?

Chris: Ah, there we go. I needed a little sass in my life. So, here's how this will work. I am going to going to be asking personal questions about the six of you. (He points to the campers in the bleachers. He turns to the loved ones.) It's _your _job to answer it correctly. So, while the camper is writing down the correct answer on their piece of paper, the loved one will write their best guess as to what the correct answer is. Most importantly, you CANNOT communicate with one another. Once time is up, the two will then reveal what they wrote down. If their answer is the same, they're safe. But if the answers do NOT match up… then the loved one will have to take one step further back on the plank. Three steps back, and it's jumping time. (He grins.) The last team with their loved one still on the plank, wins. (Geoff laughs.)

Geoff: Dude, my brother and I totally got this! We know everything about each other! We've got that twin telepathy going! Right, bro? (Jeff mutters.)

Jeff: How blissfully unaware you are, Geoff. A partially retarded cog in my grand, revolutionary scheme.

Geoff: Huh? Dude, you gotta speak up. (Jeff looks up at him.)

Jeff: Uh… yeah dude! WE'RE GONNA OWN THIS CHALLENGE!

Geoff: HELL YEAH! LET'S GO!

Chris: Now hold on a sec. I haven't finished explaining. We still need to establish what happens if you both get the answer correct. If this is the case, then you get to choose one other loved one, and make them take a step back instead!

Courtney: So it's a strategy game!

Chris: No it isn't.

Courtney: Yes it is! It's quite complex, really. If you're put in that situation, obviously you want to choose a couple that has proven that they are a threat. But if they're a threat, that means they've also been getting their questions correct, which means they could easily exact revenge on you, which could put you in danger. It's a complicated decision.

Chris: Huh? All I heard was "blah blah blah numbers blah blah blah I'm a nerd blah blah blah blah strategy".

Courtney: I really do pity you, Chris.

Chris: Oh really…? Do you pity that I have _this_? (He proudly points down out on the horizon of the water, where a large cruise ship sits, shining under the sun. Lindsay and her mom scream in joy.)

Lindsay: OMG, LOOK AT THAT!

Lindsay's Mom: I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO GO ON A CRUISE! (The two both run towards the ship, squealing in joy. However, they both go running right off the cliff, and fall screaming into the water below. Gwen turns to Chris.)

Gwen: So? Why should we care about your stupid boat?

Chris: Because, if you win the challenge… it'll be _your _stupid boat. (Gwen's eyes widen in surprise. Chris smirks.) Hmm… not so stupid anymore, huh? That's right. As a reward, you and your loved one will get to spend the rest of the day relaxing on a luxury cruise liner, working on your tan and enjoying the finest caviar. Worth playing for? (Bridgette raises an eyebrow.)

Bridgette: Uh… yeah, actually.

Chris: Good. Then let's—

Katie: Hold on a second. (She stares out at the cruise ship.) Where did you get that thing? And why does it say "Property of the RCMP"?

Chris: You know, the best questions are the ones that are left unanswered.

Katie: No they aren't!

Chris: You obviously just can't enjoy a bit of mystery in your life, can you?

**Confession Cam**

**Katie: Okay, Chris's illegal actions aside, I still want to win that reward. **

**Sadie: ME TOO! **

**Katie: Okay, stop randomly appearing in my Confessionals, you dumb bitch! And stop saying "me too" to everything I say! And even if you came on the reward, you wouldn't be able to enjoy it, because you'd probably end up SINKING THE F**KING BOAT! (Sadie stares at her in shock.) **

**Sadie: …What? **

**Katie: Er… I mean… Justin's butt? **

**Sadie: OMG, IKR?! **

**(Static)**

**Chris: Okay, so I kind of, maybe, possibly, hijacked that boat… but can you blame me? She's a beauty! It's a win-win for me, too, because now, if the RCMP shows up looking for it, they'll see the camper and their loved one on it, and arrest **_**them **_**instead! Now **_**that's **_**a reward they'll never forget. **

**End of Confessionals **

**Wawanakwa Forest**

Chef: Okay, Chef… you can do this… that bitch aint that scary… you's a badass… (He is driving down the path, shaking in his seat and clutching the wheel nervously.) But why do_ I_ have to do this…? I ALWAYS have to deal with the crazy ones that don't know when to leave! WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME?! (He bangs his head on the wheel, and takes a deep breath.) Okay, Chef, just calm down… you're all good… nothing is going to happen…

Izzy: Wow, do you always talk to yourself like this? You really are crazy, Hatchet. (Chef gasps, and turns to see her sitting in the passenger seat next to him. Izzy grins.) So, what's up?

Chef: YOU!

Izzy: Me!

Chef: GET OUTTA HERE! I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR YOU!

Izzy: Why not? We haven't spent time with one another in a while, Chef. Why can't we catch up? We can go to Starbucks. I know you love that place.

Chef: Well, duh! Have you tried their scones? They're out-of-this-world! (He scowls.) But in case you couldn't tell, I'm busy right now, and you AINT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE! So if you'll excuse me… (He grins evilly.) SO LONG, BITCH! (With a roar, he kicks sideways with his foot, trying to send her out the open passenger door. Izzy just grabs his foot.)

Izzy: Did you really think that would work, Chef? (Chef sighs.)

Chef: Yeah, kind of. (He trembles.) Look, I'm sorry I didn't let you on the bus earlier. But please, have mercy—(Izzy places a finger to his lips.)

Izzy: Shh… I don't want to hurt you, Chef. I want to help you.

Chef: Get yo' finger out of my face! And what are you talkin' 'bout?

Izzy: I heard what's going on. You're trying to catch yourself a wild Eva. Well, I'm just the person you want. I've got years on the job. You came to the right man.

Chef: First of all, I _didn't_ come to you. And second, no way! You can't help me at all! You'll just get the both of us killed!

Izzy: Listen, Chef. There's two ways this can go down. I can either help you now. Or I can help you into your wheelchair after you fail in your attempt to catch her on your own. Which one sounds less humiliating for you? (Chef stares at her. Then he sighs.)

Chef: All right. So what should we do? (Izzy grins.)

Izzy: Just leave that to me, Cheffy boy. (Chef shakes his head furiously.)

Chef: No! No way in hell am I trusting you to decide anything! Not after you—(Izzy slaps him in the face, interrupting him.)

Izzy: Get a grip, Hatchet. Man up!

Chef: But—

Izzy: Chef. You either man up, or you get the sex change already. Because I'm done trying to decipher whether you're a man or woman! Are you strong, or are you weak?! (Chef frowns.)

Chef: That could very well be sexist.

Izzy: We're about to enter a WAR, Hatchet! And you're worried about political correctness? (Chef groans.)

Chef: Fine. I'm done worrying about anything anymore. I'll just do what you say. (Izzy cheers.)

Izzy: Then let's go! There's no time to lose! (Before Chef can stop her, she stuffs him a trash bag, and runs off with him into the forest.)

**Confession Cam**

**Izzy: From my days of Eva-wrangling, you have to remember one thing. A little bait can go a **_**long **_**way. **

**End of Confessionals**

**Outside the Mess Hall**

Cody: Perfect. (He rips open the dumpster before him, and climbs in. He laughs to himself.) Sierra would never think to look in here! (Still laughing, almost hysterically, he closes the dumpster back up over him, and settles down among the trash.) There we go. Nice and comfortable. Now I just wait here for a while, until she gives up. You've outdone yourself this time, Code-meister.

Sierra: I agree. This is one of your best hiding places yet.

Cody: Thanks, Sierra. (He leans back, and closes his eyes. He lets loose a sigh of relief, and allows his body to relax. For five minutes, nothing happens. Then Cody's eyes suddenly burst open. Screaming, he throws the top off the dumpster, and runs out, covered in trash. He tries to sprint away, but ends up slipping on a banana peel, doing the splits as he slams groin-first into the ground. Sierra climbs out after him, and sees him on the ground, still doing the splits.)

Sierra: Ooo… Cody! I didn't know you were so flexible! (Cody scrambles up, and backs away from her slowly.)

Cody: Stay away from me! Stay back! (He holds up a cardboard box in defense.)

Sierra: Hee hee… that's so cute.

Cody: I'm NOT cute! I'm dangerous! And if you get any closer, I'll have no choice but to take you down using my manly man powers! (Sierra grins.)

Sierra: Please, do so. I'd _love _to see your manly man powers.

Cody: I'm not talking like _that_! JUST GET AWAY FROM ME! (Sierra looks like she's been slapped in the face. She stares down, her eyes filled with hurt.)

Sierra: I don't get it, Cody. Why have you been acting like this? I just want to spend time with you. I'm not trying to hurt you. I just wanted to have some fun! (She turns away.) But don't worry- you can stop desperately trying to avoid me. I won't chase after you. And you can drop the box, because you actually look kind of stupid right now. I mean, how could you think that would be able to defend you? (Cody glances down at the cardboard box in his hands.)

Cody: I… I don't really know. (He slowly lets go of it. Then he sighs.) I'm sorry, Sierra. I don't know what's gotten into me. I know you only meant the best. I just have… a lot on my plate, that's all.

Sierra: Katie's still blaming you for Noah's departure from the alliance, huh? (Cody's eyes widen.)

Cody: How… how do you know that?

Sierra: It's all over the blogs.

Cody: _What _blogs? It happened two hours ago!

Sierra: Two hours is a LIFETIME in the internet world, Cody. (Cody shrugs.)

Cody: All right, I believe you. But yeah, that's my predicament. If I don't somehow get Noah back in the alliance, I'm done for! Katie will kill me! I'll… wait, why are you smiling?

Sierra: Because, unlike _Katie_, I have the perfect plan, Cody. And it's super easy. It will guarantee that Noah does exactly what you say.

Cody: Wha…? Really? (Sierra's smile grows wider.)

Sierra: Do you know where Noah is right now?

Cody: No. Am I supposed to? (Sierra points to the window.)

Sierra: That'll answer your question. (Puzzled, Cody walks up to it, and glances through the window. Inside, he sees Noah sitting at one of the tables, bent over something and cursing to himself.)

Cody: What's he doing in there?

Sierra: He's trying to change his brother's diaper. The results have been… interesting, to say the least.

Cody: How do you know that?

Sierra: Blogs! Duh. Noah changing a baby's diaper is like number 1 on the fantasies of his fangirls.

Cody: Um… why?

Sierra: Because they can pretend that it's _their _baby!

Cody: Okay, that's just f**king weird.

Sierra: Yeah, I know. But let's forget about them. I need to tell you what I have in mind… (She beckons for Cody to come over to her. Cody walks over. Sierra immediately begins excitedly whispering in his ear. As Cody listens, slowly, his eyes light up. Once she's done, he turns to her, staring at her in awe.)

Cody: Sierra… that's… that's _genius_. (Sierra blushes.)

Sierra: Aw, shucks. But anyone could have thought of it. (Cody takes her hand.)

Cody: No, really. You're amazing. (Sierra giggles.)

Sierra: So are you, my love.

**Confession Cam**

**Sierra: I TOTALLY get it now! The key to a man's heart isn't through affection or kindness! The key to a man's heart is helping him obliterate his worst enemy! (She laughs, before smiling sympathetically at the camera.) Oh, and by the way: sorry in advance, Noah. Your fangirls are NOT gonna be happy after this…**

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: Everyone ready?

Lindsay's Mom (soaking wet): Like, to go shopping?

Chris: Close enough. All of the loved ones, take your first step onto the plank! (Slowly, the loved ones take a step back, so that they are now no longer standing on solid ground. Below them, the waves crash against the side of the cliff.) And this challenge is officially on. (Uncle Dave swallows nervously, as he looks down below him.)

Uncle Dave: I don't know about this, man… those waves look radical… and those sharks look really big… and bloodthirsty… I don't know…

Chris: Not to worry, Uncle Dave. I'm sure you'll have put the sharks to sleep before you ever come close to touching them.

Bridgette: Chris!

Chris: Okay, that's my last Uncle Dave joke. (He pauses.) For the next five minutes. (Sadie, meanwhile, waves at Katie.)

Sadie: OMG, look at me, Katie! I'm on the plank! I'm on the plank! This is so—AHHHH! (She screams as the board suddenly breaks under her weight, sending her tumbling down into the water with a huge splash. Katie face-palms, and turns to Chris.)

Katie: Chris, we're going to need another board.

Chris: Nuh uh. Sadie is out. She fell into the water, after I officially said the challenge was on.

Katie: What?! But that's because the board broke! (Chris shrugs.)

Chris: Hey, you can't blame it on the plank.

Katie: Yes I can! You obviously need to get stronger boards!

Chris: Or maybe _you _just need to get a less fat friend! (Sadie has now arrived back up on the cliff, soaking wet. She sits down next to Katie.)

Sadie: OMFG, that was SO totally crazy! LOL! I was all like "Hi Katie"! And then I was all like "AHHHHHHH!"! And it was so intense! And then the sharks were all like… (As she babbles on, with Katie covering her ears in agony, Chris addresses the remaining five pairs, being Lindsay and her mom, Geoff and Jeff, Gwen and Duncan, Courtney and her dad, and Bridgette and her uncle.)

Chris: So, we will now begin with the first round. For this round, you will all be getting the same question. Does everyone have their pens and paper?

Lindsay: Wait… is that, like, the question we're supposed to be answering, or are you just asking? (Chris groans, rubbing his temples.)

Chris: I'll assume you all do. Now, the ACTUAL first question. We'll start with an easy one, to get you guys into the swing of things. (He points to the campers.) What is their favorite color? Loved ones, you have five seconds to answer.

Bridgette: But that's barely enough time to get the cap off the pen!

Chris: TIME'S UP! (Everyone snarls at him. Chris cringes.) Geez, calm down! Fine, I'll give you twenty more seconds. (Everyone quickly starts scribbling on their paper. Chris glances over at Gwen's paper, his eyes flitting over what she's writing. Then he looks over at Duncan. The two make eye contact. Chris makes an exaggerated gesture towards the highlights in Gwen's hair. Duncan nods, gives him the thumbs-up, and begins writing on his parchment. Chris gives the thumbs-up back. He walks back to the center of the cliff.)

Chris: Five… four… three… two… and time's up! Everyone, pens up! We'll now just go down the line. We'll start with Duncan and Gwen. Let's see what Gwen wrote, first of all. (Gwen lifts up her clipboard, so that all can see. Chris smiles.) And it appears Gwen wrote "teal"! Ah, I get it! Like the _highlights _in your hair! (Duncan puts his head in his hands.)

Duncan: God damn it. (Chris frowns.)

Chris: Uh… Duncan! Let's see what you wrote!

Duncan: Let's not.

Chris: I won't take no for an answer. (Duncan sighs, and lifts his paper. Chris scans his eyes over the paper.) And Duncan wrote… "hair"? Umm… what?!

Duncan: Let's just stop talking about it.

Chris: Well, okay then. I understand. (He then sprints over to Duncan, scowling. He begins whispering in Duncan's ear.) _Hair?! HAIR?! _

Duncan: _You were pointing at her hair, dude! _

Chris: _I was pointing at her HIGHLIGHTS! "Hair" is not even a COLOR! _

Duncan: _Well, you need to be more specific next time! _

Chris: _I was plenty specific!_ _How am I supposed to rig this challenge for you if you can't even—_

Bridgette: Um, Chris? Are we going to move to the next pair? (Chris turns to her, laughing nervously.)

Chris: Uh, of course! Duncan, if you will please take one step back on your plank. (Duncan moves back, his knees slightly shaking as he moves farther out over the water.)

Chris: Next up, we have Bridgette and her uncle. Bridgette first. (Bridgette holds up her paper, which reads "light blue".) Light blue for Bridgette. Interesting. That was sarcasm. Uncle Dave? (Grinning, Uncle Dave holds up his paper, which also reads "light blue".) Hey! Looks like we have a match! I am intrigued as to how you figured that out, Uncle Dave. Care to share your secret?

Uncle Dave: Well, I saw that Bridgette was wearing a light blue hoodie. Thus, I correctly assumed that her favorite color is light blue. (Chris stares dully at him.)

Chris: Wow. You must be the life of the party. (Noticing Bridgette glaring at him, he shrugs.) What? It's easily been five minutes since the last Uncle Dave joke! Anyways, congratulations to the both of you. You may now choose one person take a step back on their plank. (Bridgette looks to Uncle Dave.)

Bridgette: What do you think?

Uncle Dave: It's up to you.

Bridgette: I guess I'll decide for us, then. (She smirks, and points at Duncan.) We choose him.

Duncan: Aw, come on! Seriously, Bridgette?

Gwen: Excellent choice, my friend. (She and Bridgette high-five.)

Bridgette: I knew you'd appreciate it. (They both laugh. Chris roars in frustration.)

Chris: NO! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO DUNCAN?! WHAT DID HE DO TO DESERVE THIS?! HE'S JUST LOOKING FOR LOVE! (He suddenly realizes how loud and angry his voice is.) Uhh… very well then. Duncan, please take another step back. (Duncan groans, and steps farther down the platform.) So, we're two minutes, and already it looks like Duncan may not be lasting very long. But we'll see. Courtney and her dad are up next. You two can just hold it up at the same time. (Courtney and her dad both lift their paper. Chris begins reading off of them.)

Chris: Let's see… so according to Courtney, her favorite color is "dark green". According to Courtney's dad, her favorite color is "the deep shade of crimson that washes over my face whenever she disappoints me, which is an astounding amount of times". Hmm. I don't think those are quite the same color. Courtney's Dad, please take one step back. (Courtney's Dad glares at Courtney.)

Courtney's Dad: Wow. Couldn't even get your own favorite color correct. Yet another disappointment to add to the list. (Courtney rolls her eyes.)

Courtney: I think I can decide what my favorite color is, dad! This is entirely on you, and you know it.

Courtney's Dad: How dare you! You'll be talking to my lawyer!

Courtney: Dad, you can't just threaten someone with your lawyer every time you lose an argument—

Courtney's Dad: Watch me!

Chris: Enough! We don't have time for a Jerry Springer episode over there! (He turns to Lindsay and her mom.) Please, save me from the drama with your stupidity, you two. Let's see your answers. (Lindsay and her mom both lift their papers. However, there's nothing but random scribbles on both of them. Chris looks at the two pieces of paper, trying to decipher them. Lindsay's Mom suddenly gasps.)

Lindsay's Mom: OMG, I just realized this is upside down! Silly me! (She flips it over. It's still just incoherent scribbling. There is silence as Chris looks at each paper some more. Then, he nods with approval.)

Chris: Well, I'll be damned. You two both had the same answer. Congratulations!

Courtney: What?! But they both just had illiterate nonsense!

Chris: True… but it was _identical _illiterate nonsense. (He holds up the two pieces of paper, next to one another.) See?

Courtney: You can't possibly—

Chris: Oh, but I can. And I will! Lindsay, please choose someone to walk the plank.

Lindsay: I choose her! (She points at Courtney.) For denying my smartness!

Courtney: I just don't think that—

Chris: You heard the woman! You dad needs to take another step back! (Courtney's Dad shakes his head, as he steps farther back.)

Courtney's Dad: Unable to control her temper, as usual. (Courtney shakes with anger at this comment.)

Chris: Finally, we have the twins. Jeff, you can go first. What color did you believe is Geoff's favorite?

Jeff: Well, I went with the Uncle Dave approach. It may be boring, but it seems to work. My bro's been wearing pink since, like, the day he was born. It has to be pink. (Chris nods.)

Chris: Fair enough. Seems like the most likely answer. Geoff, will you show us the truth? (Geoff holds up his paper. Chris looks at it.) It appears Geoff wrote "the rainbow". (He chuckles in disbelief.) Wow. Somehow, he was able to come up with an even gayer answer than an already fairly gay answer.

Jeff: THE RAINBOW?! **THE RAINBOW?! **(Geoff nods.)

Geoff: Yeah, man! I love the rainbow! It's where the Lucky Charms leprechaun hides his Pot of Gold!

Jeff: That's ridiculous! It was supposed to be your favorite COLOR! Not _COLORS_!

Geoff: But I don't really care for any of the colors when they're separate! It's when they come together… that's when it's orgasmic, dude. (Jeff groans.)

**Confession Cam**

**Jeff: Okay, now might be a good time to tell you my plan. I've been watching this show for a while now, all to support my brother. And yeah, I'm jealous of him. Geoff has gotten to have the experience of lifetime, while I'm back home working at a Home Depot! IT SUCKS BALLS! And at the same time, Geoff has absolutely blown it. He hasn't won the money, and he hasn't even gotten the girl! It's about time I took his place, and showed him how it's REALLY done. (He smirks.) So when that boat leaves today, taking the loved ones home… let's just say that**_** I**_** won't ****be the one that's on it. Why do you think I wore the same clothes as Geoff today? I can picture it now… (He cackles, and begins faking a heartfelt goodbye.) Goodbye, Jeff! I'll miss you! (He pauses.) Huh? What's that? You're actually Geoff? Oh, sorry man—looks like it's too late. I'll just take over from here, man. Have fun at the Playa! Hope you go find a rainbow or something! I'll just be over here making out with Bridgette while you're at it! **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: The first round is now complete. As it currently stands, Duncan and Courtney are both two steps out on their plank, while Jeff is one step out. Now, we move onto individual questions. Once again, we'll start with Duncan and Gwen. If they do not get this right, Duncan will have to take the plunge. (Gwen smirks at him, as Duncan smiles nervously back at her.)

Duncan: So, uh… what kind of question are we talking about here?

Chris: You'll see! But just to make certain that nobody gets harder questions than others, we assigned them randomly. So here is the question. (He takes out a slip of paper, and reads off of it.) Gwen, what is your favorite thing about Duncan?

Gwen: Oh yeah, that was _totally _random.

Chris: It was!

Gwen: So what you're telling me is that you would've asked Geoff what his favorite thing about Duncan is if he had gotten this question?

Chris: Uhh… yeah! They're pals, aren't they? Duncoff even makes for a solid couple, in my opinion. Geoff's calming, friendly aura pairs well with Duncan's rugged and passionate personality.

Katie: You're going to make me sick.

Chris: Oh, please. I've seen your browsing history, Katie. Anyways, Duncan and Gwen, you have ten seconds. Go! (Duncan and Gwen begin writing.)

**Confession Cam**

**Duncan: Okay, I definitely have this one in the bag. **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: Time's up! Hold up your papers, gothies! (Both do so, eyeing one another. Chris glances at Gwen's paper.) Gwen wrote "his ability to occasionally drop the vulgar and abrasive exterior, and show a surprising amount of maturity and sensitivity beyond his years". Aw, how sweet. Let's see what Duncan wrote. (He looks at Duncan's paper.) Duncan wrote "my d*ck". (A long, awkward silence ensues.) Congrats, guys! You had the same answer!

Gwen: What?! How are those the same things?!

Chris: I'm sorry, but it's decided. I'm the host here. Gwen and Duncan, please choose someone to go for some plank-walking. (Gwen groans. Duncan immediately points at Uncle Dave, smirking. He turns to Bridgette.)

Duncan: Payback's a bitch, blondie. (Bridgette crosses her arms.)

Bridgette: Right back at you. (She turns to Uncle Dave.) Come on, Uncle Dave. Let's teach this poser a thing or two. (She looks at Chris.) Give us our question, Chris. We're ready to go. (Duncan looks frantically at Chris. Chris nods reassuringly at him.)

Chris: Very well. Eager, are we? Here's your question. Explain to me Goldbach's conjecture, Diophantine quintuples, and the Pollock octahedral numbers conjecture.

Lindsay: Was that, like, Spanish or something?

Bridgette: Are you kidding me? How is that a personal question? That's just an impossible math problem!

Chris: So you're saying you can't answer it?

Uncle Dave: I mean, are we supposed to?

Chris: Yes, Uncle Dave, you are. Sorry, but it looks like you'll have to take another step back.

Katie: You know, you really couldn't be any more blatant right now.

Chris: What are you talking about?

Katie: We all can tell you're rigging the challenge for Duncan.

Chris: *gasps* I am doing no such thing! How dare you accuse me! It's just the luck of the draw. In your case, Katie, your friend was so obese that she broke her board before you could draw anything. So I wouldn't be talking if I were you. (He turns to Courtney and her dad, who are still glaring fiercely at each other.) Moving on. You two need to put aside all that hatred going on over there. Save it for Oprah. Because if you fail now, you'll be out of the challenge. So try to focus. (He reads off a flashcard.) What is Courtney's favorite food?

Courtney: But what if I don't even know what my favorite food is? (Chris laughs.)

Chris: That's ridiculous. Of course you know. Everyone has a favorite food.

Courtney: But I—

Chris: EVERYONE HAS A FAVORITE FOOD!

Courtney: Fine! Sheesh! (She starts writing. Courtney's Dad eyes her a moment, before beginning to write as well. Thirty seconds pass, and Courtney's Dad is still writing. Finally, he drops the pen.)

Chris: Oh, man. I'm not looking forward to reading this, but here goes. First, for Courtney. She wrote "pasta". Fair enough. Meanwhile, Courtney's Dad wrote "Nothing. The sweet taste she gets from publicly ruining my image is nourishment enough. In fact, she feasts on my sadness. She brings me complete and utter hopelessness for humanity." Damn, how did he fit all that on there? Anyways, while pasta is like, a ton of carbs, I don't think it qualifies as total despair. So that's it for you, Courtney's dad. Time to go cliff-diving. (Courtney smiles evilly at her dad.)

Courtney: I'm going to enjoy this. (Courtney's Dad just smirks back at her.)

Courtney's Dad: You wish. (With that, he jumps off the plank, and disappears over the edge of the cliff. However, no splash is heard.)

Chris: Hmm. That's odd. What did he just, like, disappear into a black hole or something? (Suddenly, Courtney's Dad zooms back upwards, standing on a large, flying disc.)

Courtney's Dad: Quite the contrary, Chris.

Geoff: Whoa, dude! What the heck is that?!

Courtney's Dad: It's a hoverboard, "dude". And it's state-of-the art technology. Built by one of my many companies. I had this at the ready, waiting to catch my fall. And it worked like a charm. (The hoverboard rises higher and higher.) Best of all, I technically still jumped. So take that! I'm not even wet! (He laughs.) As an added bonus, I'm being eco-friendly. This baby runs entirely on solar power. (He beckons to the sun proudly. Suddenly, however, a large cloud moves over, blocking out the sun entirely. Courtney's Dad stares upwards.)

Courtney's Dad: Well, f**k.

**Confession Cam**

**Courtney's Dad (soaking wet): To all those nimwits that decided to make the hoverboard solar-powered… you're all fired! What the hell were you thinking?! **

**End of Confessionals**

Courtney's Dad: You'll all be hearing from my lawyer! This is just so stupid! This whole game! I'm done with it! ALL OF IT! (He's now sitting in the bleachers next to Courtney, still soaking wet, ranting as no one listens.)

Geoff: Just chillax, Mr. Courtney.

Courtney's Dad: Uh, no. I'm _not _going to "chillax" for you! And did you really just call me "Mr. Courtney"? You do know that implies that my last name is "Courtney", right? Which would mean I named my child "Courtney Courtney"?

Jeff: Well, our parents named us Jeff and Geoff. Not much of a difference.

Courtney's Dad: Well, unlike your parents, I'm not a crack head!

Chris: Okay, settle down, children. You can get back to your little name-calling session later. But first, we need to get this challenge finished. Ready for your next question, Lindsay and Tiffany? (Lindsay groans.)

Lindsay: Aww… do we have to? My brain is, like, so tired from the_ last_ question!

Tiffany: Yeah. And my arm's, like, _super_ tired from all that writing we had to do.

Chris: Well, I guess you can just forfeit this round. But it'll be counted as getting the question wrong, and you'll have to move a step back. (Lindsay's mom immediately moves farther out on the plank.) Well, all right then. Your laziness truly astounds me. Now, we'll move on to Geoff and Jeff. Jeff, what is Geoff's dream vacation spot?

Jeff: Ha! This is great! Geoff has always told me how he wanted to go to—

Geoff: Actually, speaking of vacation, I think I'm definitely digging the whole "brain vacation" idea. I think I'll go with that. We'll forfeit this round.

Jeff: WHAT?! Are you kidding me?! It's literally writing down one word! And it's your opinion!

Geoff: Yeah, man! But I need to replenish my brain first! My mind can't work unless it's in tip-top shape. (Jeff just groans, and takes another step back.)

Chris: Well, that was certainly an anticlimactic end to the 2nd round. But now is when it really gets interesting! Currently, Duncan, Uncle Dave, and Jeff are all one step away from an intimate tour of our camp's marine wildlife, while Lindsay's mom, shockingly enough, is in the lead, being two steps away. Now, we move on to the most exciting round of them all: questions about me!

Bridgette: Oh no.

Chris: Oh yes. I hope you all read my autobiography.

Gwen: What, the one that sold a grand total of 3 copies?

Chris: Uh, hello? 5 copies! Get your facts straight.

Uncle Dave: Wait, hold on. How would answering questions about _you_ prove anything about _our _bond as loved ones?

Chris: It doesn't. I just like having people talk about me. And talk about me you shall! But first, there's a bit of a twist on the rules now. All you need is for _one _of you to get the answer right. That's all it takes. So I hope you know me inside-and-out.

Bridgette (muttering to herself): Where's Sierra when you need her…

Chris: Gwen and Duncan will start, per the usual. (He whips out a book with his face on the cover, and flips through it, before stopping at a page.) I'm starting you guys off with an easy one. What's my favorite hobby?

Gwen: Can I just forfeit?

Chris: Now, where's the fun in that, Gwendolyn? So, on your marks…get set… write! (Gwen reluctantly begins writing. After twenty seconds, Chris stops the two of them.) All right, that should be plenty of time. First, Gwen. For this round, you can just read what you wrote.

Gwen: If you insist. (She clears her throat, and reads off of her paper.) Chris's favorite hobby is kissing Duncan's ass.

Chris (sarcastically): Oh, hardy har. How funny. Not even true, mind you. (He turns to Duncan.) Duncan, my dear, you may now read what you wrote in that wonderful voice of yours. (Duncan begins reading off of his paper.)

Duncan: Chris's favorite hobby, among many, is kicking back, resting his feet on an intern, cracking open a bottle of wine, and reading his autobiography. (Chris blushes.)

Chris: Aw, Duncan! You know me too well! One of the many admirable qualities you possess. Well, because Duncan got it right, he may now choose someone to walk the—

Duncan: Bridgette's guy. No question about it.

Chris: And that means our Uncle Dave and Bridgette are officially out of the competition! (Bridgette sighs.)

Bridgette: Should have seen that one coming. (She looks over at Uncle Dave in worry.) Are you sure you can do this? You don't have to if you don't want. (Uncle Dave beams at her.)

Uncle Dave: Hey, I came here wanting to surf, anyway. And now that I've got my very own surfboard right here, might as well go for it, and try out the waves!

Bridgette: Wait, what—(Suddenly, Uncle Dave grabs the board underneath him, and rips it out of the cliff. The board tumbles downward, with Uncle Dave clutching it tightly. With a grunt, he lifts his legs up over the top, and moves into a standing position, so that he is now riding the plank like a surfboard. He holds his hands out for balance, until he is standing up perfectly straight, almost as if he is surfing through the air. Everyone gasps in awe.)

Chris: Okay, that's actually… pretty cool.

Uncle Dave: COWABUNGA! (He cheers as he continues to fly downward. The board suddenly slams into the water, and immediately breaks, catapulting Uncle Dave forward. He smashes into a large rock jutting out of the sea spray, and slides down it face-first. As he does so, the board comes up behind him and slams into his groin from behind.)

Chris: Ooo… that one's gotta hurt. (Bridgette runs up to the cliff, and calls down to him.)

Bridgette: Are you okay?! (Uncle Dave, who is now treading water, waves up to her, smiling.)

Uncle Dave: All goo—(He is cut off as a wave knocks him under the water.)

**Confession Cam**

**Bridgette: Whelp, that's probably the last time Uncle Dave ever tries showing personality again. **

**End of Confessionals **

(Uncle Dave has still not appeared since being swept under the tide.)

Bridgette: We should probably go check on him. (Chris groans.)

Chris: It's all about Uncle Dave, isn't it?! All about Uncle Dave! What about me?! I have wants and desires too!

Bridgette: I just want to see if he's still alive! Sorry, but I have to go. (She runs off.)

Chris: What a compassionate girl. Thank god she's gone. So, Lindsay, Lindsay's mom… your Chris question is this: how old was I when I lost my virginity, and where?

Katie: What kind of bull**** question is that?!

Chris: An_ intriguing_ bull**** question. So, care to share your guesses? Lindsay? (Lindsay scratches her head.)

Lindsay: Uhh… false? (Chris scowls.)

Chris: Are you saying I haven't lost it yet? (Lindsay stares at him confusedly.)

Lindsay: Uhh… all of the above? (Chris shakes his head and turns to Lindsay's mom.)

Chris: Your turn. I suggest you guess carefully.

Lindsay's Mom: I don't know… 60?

Chris: _**60**_?

Lindsay's Mom: No wait, that has to be wrong. (She snaps her finger, grinning.) 61!

Chris: NO! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! I'm barely a day past forty, mind you! You both are so wrong. Take a step back, Lindsay's Mom. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Courtney: You're actually acting like they were _supposed _to know the answer.

Chris: Yeah! I am! It's the first sentence in my Total Drama online bio, after all! It states "Chris Mclean lost his virginity when he was 17, in a bathroom at his local Denny's". (He stands proudly after he says this.)

Katie: Great! Congratu-f**king-lations. Are we supposed to give you a gold star or something?

Chris: Some applause would be nice. But whatever.

Geoff: Dude… all I know is that I'm never eating at another Denny's again.

Chris: Oh, don't be like that. (He looks around.) Say, where'd your brother go? (He beckons to the plank where Jeff was previously standing. It is now empty.)

Geoff: Hmm. That's weird. I don't know, man. He doesn't usually disappear into thin air unless he's really sad.

Chris: Eh, he probably just decided to go to a Denny's. Who can blame him? Anyways, you're out, Geoff.

**Confession Cam**

**Jeff: When I saw Bridgette walking off like that, I knew I had to take action. While Geoff was completely oblivious to his own existence, as usual, I saw the opportunity sitting right in front of me. And I wasn't about to let it slip. **

**End of Confessionals**

Chris: Well, we're down to our final two pairs. Gwen and Duncan, and Lindsay and her mom. One of you will be enjoying a cruise liner experience to never forget. The other, meanwhile, will not.

Gwen: Chris McLean, meanwhile, will continue with his boring exposition paragraphs that nobody listens to. (Chris scowls.)

Chris: Gwen, meanwhile, will keep being ugly and Goth.

Gwen: Chris, meanwhile, will keep coming up with awful comebacks.

Chris: Well… at least I'm not ugly and Goth!

Gwen: Thank you for proving me right. (Chris crosses his arms.)

Chris: Let's just finish this. This question goes to Duncan and Gwen. If one of you can get it right, you win. If not, you lose. So, without further ado, let's see what you're made of. (He takes a deep breath.) You've been at Camp Wawanakwa for quite a while now. And most likely, you've probably stopped one day and thought to yourself, what does "Wawanakwa" actually mean?

Gwen: No. No I haven't.

Chris: Don't lie. Of course you have. Well, now is your chance to decipher the mystery. Tell me the origin of the word. You both may give me three of your best guesses. Duncan? (Duncan scratches his head.)

Duncan: Uhh… "pinecone"? "Blizzard"? "Maple leaf"?

Chris: All very fair guesses. All very stereotypically Canadian guesses. But all very incorrect guesses. (He turns to Gwen.) What about you, Gwen?

**Confession Cam**

**Gwen: No way was I going to go on that cruise with Duncan. Not after Chris pretty much babysat him throughout the entire challenge. So I decided to answer it in a way that couldn't possibly be right. **

**End of Confessionals**

Gwen (smirking): Honestly, I get the impression that you just slammed your hand down on a computer's keyboard, and the random letters that showed up on the word document formed that word. (Chris stares at her for a moment. Then he suddenly begins applauding wildly.)

Chris: WE HAVE A WINNER!

Duncan: Haha! Yeah! (He fist-pumps excitedly.) Way to go Gwen! (Gwen frowns.)

Gwen: Wait, actually?

Chris: Yep. Wawanakwa doesn't mean anything. It's complete bullsh**.

Katie: Honestly, is anything on this show _not _complete bullsh**?

Chris: That cruise certainly isn't. Too bad you won't be on it. (Katie glares at him in fury, her teeth clenched and her eyes flashing.) Wow. Look that wonderful facial expression. I don't know whether to be cowering in fear or laughing at your constipation. I guess I can do both. (He turns to Duncan and Gwen.) Anyways, enough of the losers. Duncan and Gwen, congratulations on winning—

Gwen: Hold on a moment. I want to ask about something. Since I got the question right, doesn't that mean _I _get to choose who walks the plank?

Chris: Well, yeah, but there's only one person you can choose. And that's Lindsay's mom.

Gwen: Not true. I can also choose Duncan. (Duncan forces a nervous laugh.)

Duncan: Uhh… real funny, Gwen.

Gwen: I'm serious. It doesn't say in the rules that I can't do that, right?

Chris: Well… no. But why would you _want_ to?

Gwen: Mostly because this whole win is rigged. (Chris jumps back in shock.)

Chris: _Rigged_? Ex-CUSE me?! Where is this "rig" you speak of? Are we on a boat? Huh? HUH?!

Gwen: You know exactly what I'm talking about, Chris. And besides, I wouldn't mind seeing Duncan have to out swim some man-eating sharks. (Duncan crosses his arms.)

Duncan: Well, you know what? I'm not doing it. I want that reward. So screw that!

Gwen: You don't have a say, Duncan. I got the question right. Not you. (Duncan throws his hands up in exasperation.)

Duncan: C'mon, Gwen! What's gotten into you? It's the reward of a lifetime! We can eat caviar, and I don't even know what caviar is! I just don't get it. You used to be my _girl_! And now you're just... not my girl!

Gwen: Look at Duncan, waxing poetic again, folks. (Duncan scowls.)

Duncan: I'm trying here, Gwen. I really am. But you're not even giving me a chance. So stop being a bitch, and cut me slack here! (Everyone gasps.) What? You have to admit, it's kind of true.

Sadie: OMG, that is like, _sooooo _gross. Right, Katie? (Katie shrugs.)

Katie: Eh, I think it's pretty fair assessment. (Gwen, meanwhile, is staring at Duncan silently. Slowly, she walks up to the plank. She steps out onto it. Then, surprisingly, she reaches forward and hugs him.)

Gwen: You know what? I'm sorry, Duncan. (Duncan grins.)

Duncan: Don't be sorry, babe. It's not your—

Gwen: Let me finish. What I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry you were naïve enough to let me get this far out onto the plank. (With that, she shoves him off the edge. Duncan screams as he plummets downward, and splashes into the water. Gwen wipes her hands off.) That was extremely satisfying.

**Confession Cam**

**Duncan (soaking wet): Okay, so **_**maybe **_**Gwen isn't really an option at this point. **

**Chris: Well, this sucks. Curse that stubborn woman! There can't be a love triangle, if nobody wants to be a part of it! Why does nobody want to be a part of it? Love triangles are fun! Sure, they destroy friendships, and never actually end up working out, but hey. Those are trivial things. (He taps his fingers together, thinking.) Perhaps I need to change up the plan, though... **

**End of Confessionals **

**Mess Hall**

Noah: Uggh… finally… (He is covered in baby powder, his eyes are bloodshot, and his hair is tousled all over the place. His brother, however, is now wearing a fresh, clean diaper. The old diaper sits on the counter next to it, balled up in a messy heap. Noah wipes the sweat from his brow.) I am never… becoming a dad… ever. (The Indian teen walks over to the mirror, and sighs when he sees himself, with his face covered in white from the baby powder.)

Noah: Oh, great. Now I look like Michael Jackson. Hey, maybe Izzy will finally be interested in me now. (Groaning, he walks back over to the table, and places his head in his hands. He yawns loudly.) I'll deal with that later. Right now, I think I deserve a nice, long nap. (His slowly rests his head on the table, and his eyelids close shut.)

Cody: Well, well, well. (Noah's eyes burst open, and he groans. He turns to Cody, who is suddenly standing next to the table, smirking at the bookworm.)

Noah: Before you ask, no, I have not been doing cocaine.

Cody: That's good to know. What a cutie you have here, by the way! (He smiles, and pats Noah's brother on the head. There's a long silence, as Cody smiles at Noah.)

Noah: Okay. Bye.

Cody: No! Hold on a second, Noah. Let's talk.

Noah: We've had of "talks", Cody. They never end well for you, it seems.

Cody: Somehow, I feel like this one is going to be… _different_. It's time we did some good, old-fashioned negotiation. (He slams his hand down onto the table for emphasis. However, his hand happens to land right on the dirty diaper with a sickening squelch. Cody screams in horror, and jumps backward.)

Noah: Yeah… you might want to have watched where you slammed your hand down.

Cody: Heh heh… whatever. As I was saying, it's time for some good, old-fashioned negotiation. Let's get started. (He places his hand on the table, leaning against it. His hand, however, is still slippery from the filth of the diaper, and his palm slides out from underneath him, sending him toppling backwards onto the floor.)

Noah: Maybe you should just stop trying to put your hand on things.

Cody: Probably a smart idea. (He pulls out a seat, and sits down. He beckons to Noah's chair.) Please, Noah. Have a seat.

Noah: I'm already sitting.

Cody: I knew that. (He leans back in his chair.) Now, Noah. You already know what I want. It's very simple. Just join the alliance. No other complications required.

Noah: Except for having to spend my time with three of the people who drive me insane.

Cody: Listen, I'm done listening to your back-talk. We can do this the easy way, or the hard way. Which do you prefer?

Noah: Sorry, Cody. But either way, the result will be the—(Suddenly, Cody reaches forward, and snatches the baby up off the table. He cradles it, still staring at Noah.)

Cody: Nice baby you have here. (Noah raises an eyebrow.)

Noah: That was… pretty random. (Cody looks over at Noah. His eyes flash ever so slightly.)

Cody: Yeah, this is a real nice baby. It'd be shame if… you know… you _lost _him. (Noah's eyes widen.)

Noah: No.

Cody: Oh yes. I heard about your little situation, Noah. What was it? Oh yeah, I remember. If you let this baby out of your sight, you're out of the game. (He chuckles.) I wonder how Chris would react if I ran up to him, and told him I found this guy by a stream? Or in a ditch? I'm sure he'd be very disappointed in you, Noah. (There's a long silence as the two stare at one another. Noah then tries to lunge at Cody, and grab the baby. However, his shoulders are suddenly grabbed from behind, and he is pulled back to his seat. He hears Sierra's voice whispering in his ear, as she digs her hands forcefully into his shoulders.)

Sierra: Wow, it's true what they say on your fan site, Noah. You _do _have firm shoulders. I'm also _loving _your new Michael Jackson look, by the—

Cody: Focus, Sierra!

Sierra: Whoops. Sorry. Carry on, my love. (Cody then looks back at Noah.)

Cody: As I said- all you have to is agree to join the alliance.

Noah: So this is blackmail.

Cody: Hmm… well, yes. But I still prefer the term "good, old-fashioned negotiation". (He rubs his hands together.) _Now let's get started_.

**Wawanakwa Forest**

Izzy: Okay, we're here, Chef! (She looks around.) Chef? (Suddenly, she remembers.) Oh yeah! Almost forgot. (She reaches behind her back, and pulls out the trashbag, with Chef squirming around and cursing inside. Izzy opens the bag and turns it over, making the cook fall out onto the ground. He turns to her, his eyes bloodshot.)

Chef: WHAT THE HELL, WOMAN?! WHY'D YOU DO THAT?!

Izzy: I just wanted to get here as quick as possible. You would've slowed us down, otherwise.

Chef: You could have at least _told _me what you we're doing! I had no idea what was going on! I couldn't see anything! It was terrifying! Everything was so black in there!

Izzy: Now that's just racist, Chef.

Chef: It's NOT racist! _I'm _black!

Izzy: That's what they all say.

Chef: But I am—

Izzy: We have no time for this, Chef. These are valuable minutes that could be spent hunting Eva. It'll get dark soon. And that's when she'll have the upper-hand. (She turns to him.) Luckily, with your complexion, you may be blend into the darkness and evade her.

Chef: Okay, now _that's _actually racist.

Izzy: I'm just suggesting you make good use of your evolutionary advantages, Hatchet! Anyways, I've devised your classic rope trap. (She holds up a rope, with a loop at the end of it.) We leave some bait in this clearing, with the loopy end of the rope around it on the ground. And then, when Eva comes over—BAM! I yank this lasso tight around her ankle. We drag her in. And then we take her to Chris.

Chef: You sure that'll work?

Izzy: As long as we have the right bait, yes. And, as luck would have it, we do. (Grinning, she walks over to a bush, reaches inside, and drags out the unconscious body of the hobo. Chef jumps in surprise when he sees him.)

Chef: What the…?! How long have you been keeping him in there?!

Izzy: Oh, only like five hours. He still hasn't woken up, shockingly. (Suddenly, the homeless man's eyes open. He looks around groggily.)

Homeless Man: Wha… where am I… how did I—(He is cut off as large metal frying pan slams down upon his head, knocking him back unconscious. Izzy nonchalantly slips the frying pan back into her pocket.)

Izzy: Sorry about that. (Chef glares at her.)

Chef: Okay, just how many times have you done that to him?

Izzy: Oh, only a couple. I promise! (Chef continues to glare at her. Izzy sighs.) Okay, fifteen times. But we need him! We can't have him running off to go bathe in a dumpster, you know?

Chef: Okay, that is offensive to homeless people.

Izzy: What? I like bathing in dumpsters too! Anyways, here's what we're going to do. We'll leave our friendly neighborhood hobo in this clearing, with the rope trap set up around him. I happen to know that Eva runs through this particular clearing during her afternoon jog.

Chef: And how do you know _that_?

Izzy: It's just a plot convenience, Chef. Don't worry about it. Anyway, if we leave this guy in the middle of the path, Eva's sure to trip over him when she runs through. And if there's one thing I know about Eva, it's easy to piss her off. She'll probably start beating him up or something. And then we catch her. It's a foolproof plan. We capture Eva, and Eva is taken to extensive therapy. We all win as a result. (She glances down at the hobo.) Well, except for him.

Chef: Then what are we waiting for? Let's get this over with already!

Izzy: What an impatient young man you are, Chef Hatchet. (She pauses.) Well, aside from the "young" part. And possibly the "man" part too.

Chef: I said LET'S MOVE!

Izzy: Fine! (She places the homeless man on the ground, and puts the lasso around him. Then, holding onto the end of the rope, she disappears into the bushes. Chef follows after her. They both enter into another clearing. Izzy sits down on a rock, still with the rope in her hand.) And now, we wait.

Chef: Hold on. (He beckons to the bush they just passed through.) We can't see anything with this big old bush in the way!

Izzy: Not to worry. This bush is, in fact, to our advantage. It shall help to keep us concealed from our foe. Besides, we'll feel a tug on the rope when Eva's standing on it. And then we'll know to yank as hard as we can.

Chef: But what if it's not Eva?

Izzy: Oh, come on, Chef. Who else could _possibly _be in the forest right now?

**Somewhere close by…**

Grandpa Ezekiel: Yo, grandson. You seen the Sasquatchanawkwa yet?

Trent: For the one thousandth time, NO! I have not!

Grandpa Ezekiel: Oh. Just checking, eh.

Trent: Well, STOP! And by the way, I'm done walking! My feet HURT! The five of us have been searching for an hour, and what have we found? An old used condom hanging from a branch!

Tyler's Grandma: Yeah, but that was an important clue.

Trent: _How _is a _condom _an important clue?!

Tyler's Grandma: Because it obviously belongs to the yeti!

Trent: Oh really? And why would the _yeti_ use a condom?

Ezekiel: Because he's a responsible young man, who wants to make good life choices and not ruin his future with a mistake that could have easily been prevented, had he done the right thing. (Grandpa Ezekiel wipes a tear away from his eye.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: That was beautiful, eh. (He turns to Trent.) You remember that lesson, Ezekiel. It will come in handy one day.

Trent: Okay, great. Now that we've had this little sex ed lesson, I'm getting out of here. Good luck with your stupid hunting trip. (With that, he starts to run. As he does so he mutters to himself.) It's your only option at this point, Trent. Either find the campground, or die in the woods, with a gang of psychos. (He continues to run, pumping his arms confidently. He grins to himself.) Man, I probably look so good right now. After all, my running form is near-perfect. I'm as graceful as a gazelle, with the raw speed of a cheetah.

Tyler: Dude? You might want to stop narrating yourself, and look where you're going.

Trent: Huh? (Suddenly, he trips over something large, and falls to the ground. Trent gets up on his hands and knees, and looks at what he tripped over. It's the hobo, lying belly-up, snoring loudly. Trent stands up, scowling.) Ew. What the hell is _this _thing doing here? He made me look like an idiot! (The other four have all arrived in the clearing, and are all watching in terror.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: Ezekiel… watch out! That could be the Sasquatchanawkwa! (Trent laughs, and points at the hobo.)

Trent: _This _loser? He's nothing but a drunken ball of dough! (He begins stepping repeatedly on the hobo's belly.) See? He's out cold.

Tyler: But dude… he could wake up! (Trent ignores him, and keeps stepping on the hobo's belly, laughing.)

Trent: Ha! This is kind of fun! There's no way this could possibly end badl—(Suddenly, the rope tightens around his ankle, and he falls to the ground, before being dragged into the bushes.)

Grandpa Ezekiel: EZEKIEL! (Trent grabs onto the ground, and pulls his face out of the bush.)

Trent: HELP! THE BUSH IS EATING ME!

Tyler's Grandma: We'll save you! (She turns to the others.) Everyone grab his hands! (The four run forward, and grab onto Trent's hands. They begin pulling, with Grandpa Ezekiel and Ezekiel on the right arm, and Tyler and his grandmother on the left. Trent yells in pain as his body is stretched like a rubber band.)

Trent: AGHH! YOU'RE PULLING TO HARD!

Ezekiel: I believe it's actually supposed to be "too". Not "to".

Trent: I'LL WORRY ABOUT MY GRAMMAR WHEN I'M NOT ABOUT TO DIE! (Meanwhile, Chef and Izzy are on the other end, pulling on the rope with all their might. They can vaguely hear Trent's screaming through the bush. Izzy pauses, and listens. She frowns.)

Izzy: Hmm. Eva sounds more feminine than usual.

Chef: We'll worry about that later! Just keep yanking! (He moans in agony as his muscles bulge to their uppermost capacity.)

Izzy: Wow, Chef! You sound like you're giving birth!

Chef: I just want that goddamn paycheck! And dammit, I'M GONNA GET IT! (With one final roar, he tugs the rope as hard as he can. The resistance on the other side gives way, and Trent flies through the bush, followed by the other four. They all slam into the tree, and land on the ground, all unconscious. Chef inspects the body pile, and scowls.)

Chef: None of these are the crazy bitch!

Izzy: Hmm. It would appear so. But we _did _catch ourselves a ton more bait!

Chef: _Bait_? BAIT? We waited for thirty minutes to catch these crackers! I don't want to have to wait all over again!

Izzy: It's the only way, Chef. Besides, what's so bad about it? We're enjoying each other's company. (Chef snorts.)

Chef: Ha! As much as I enjoy my own ASS!

Izzy: Wow. You must really be having a good time, then. (Chef scowls. He then slowly walks up to Izzy, and stares down at her menacingly. He speaks, his voice but a harsh whisper.)

Chef: Listen up, you little ginger freak. You can't dictate what we do anymore. _I'm _in charge. And I say we go after Eva, and we ambush her! That's what we're doing, and it's FINAL!

Izzy: All right, Chef. Agreed. (Chef nods, grinning arrogantly.)

Chef: That's right. I'm the man in charge.

_**Five minutes later…**_

Chef: OH HELL NO! (He is tied up with the other five, sitting in the clearing, with the rope trap surrounding them.)

Trent: That's the fifth time you've said that. It's not going to make anything change. You just sound like you have Tourette syndrome. (He shakes his head.) I can't believe you thought it was a good idea to team up with Izzy.

Chef: What other choice did I have?

Tyler: Well, dude, you could have just _not _teamed up with Izzy. That would've been pretty easy.

Chef: Shut yo face!

Trent: Well, nice job. Now we're _all _going to be mauled by Eva.

Grandpa Ezekiel: That's not the spirit, eh!

Trent: Oh yeah? Then what _is _the spirit?

Grandpa Ezekiel: We can do this! (Everyone is silent.)

Tyler's Grandma: Uhh… do what?

Grandpa Ezekiel: Still working on that part, eh. (Meanwhile, Izzy is sitting on the other end, holding onto the rope and grinning.)

Izzy: This was a perfect idea! Eva can't stand one human, let alone six humans, let alone one of these humans being Trent! (She laughs.) And then when I catch her, I can be the one to cash in on Chef's paycheck! I'll still pay for his medical bills, of course. Because I get the sense he may have a lot of them. (She sits down. Suddenly, there's a rustling in the bushes behind her.)

Izzy: Slenderman? Is that you? (Eva steps out of the bush.) Darn, it's just Eva. (She does a double-take.) EVA?! Heh heh… hey buddy! You changed your running route!

Eva: Revenge… has no running route…

Izzy: Wow. That was so deep. You really do have a way with words.

Eva: Revenge… is forthcoming… (She takes another step towards Izzy.)

Izzy: Yeah, great. So what's this whole "revenge" thing about?

Eva: Beach… volleyball…

Izzy: Oh yeah! I remember that. I whooped your ass! That was fun. (Eva roars in anger, shaking the trees.) Wow! Nice one. You really do have a great singing voice as well.

Eva: It's… time…

Izzy: Cool! Time for what?

_**Two minutes later…**_

Izzy: Oh! Time for _this_. (She has joined the group of tied-up people. Eva is now holding onto the rope, and is dragging the seven of them across the ground, along a river-bank. Trent glares down at the wet sand as his rear slides along it.)

Trent: Great, just great. Now my best jeans are getting ruined!

Chef: I think we have more important things to worry about than your gay pants.

Trent: They're not gay! They just hug my… "assets" a little tighter than other clothing! (Izzy shrugs.)

Izzy: Eh, they're a little gay. Not extremely gay, but there's definitely some gayness going on down there.

Trent: You don't even get to speak! _You're _the reason we're now being literally _dragged _against our will by a psycho workout buff to who-knows-where! (Ezekiel trembles.)

Ezekiel: But where _is _she taking us, eh?

Izzy: Maybe she's going to take us to an arcade! Ooo, that would be fun.

Tyler's Grandma: Well, I'm not about to find out. We need to escape!

Trent: How?! We have nothing we can use to break free of the ropes. And it's not like help is just going to come floating down the river. (Suddenly, a boat comes floating down the river, carrying Chris. He doesn't notice them at first.)

Chef: Yo, Chris man! Over here! (Chris turns in their direction.)

Chris: Hey guys. What's up?

Trent: _What's up_? Do you see what's going on right now?! SAVE US! (Chris frowns.)

Chris: But that wouldn't be what a good host does, would it?

Chef: Yes it would!

Chris: No, a _good _host would let the drama play out.

Trent: If you let the drama "play out", we're all probably going to die!

Chris: Let's ask the audience that question. **Will Trent and friends meet their doom at the hands of Eva? **

Trent: Are you seriously doing the sign-off right now?

Chris: Who said anything about a sign-off?

Ezekiel: The writing just turned bold, eh. We all saw it.

Chris: Oops. You caught me.

**Or will Grandpa Ezekiel pull another trick out of his ass, literally? **

Chef: THAT WASN'T YOUR CUE TO KEEP DOING—

**Meanwhile, what crazy immunity challenge awaits the pairs that aren't off getting kidnapped by a possibly transgender gym rat? **

**Will Cody's blackmail of Noah succeed? **

**Or will Noah evade certain doom once more? **

**What will happen with the Love Triangle? WILL IT FINALLY HAPPEN, FOR F**K'S SAKE?! **

**Will Jeff's scheme work?**

**Who will be voted off?**

**Will—AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!**

***SPLOOSH***

**OKAY, WHO PUT THAT WATERFALL THERE?! **

**Uh… heh heh, anyways… see all that and more, on the next thrilling chapter of**

**Total Drama Returns! **

**NEXT TIME: **An afternoon of alliance-shifting and shocking revelations leads to a campfire ceremony where everyone is in danger of going home, and anyone could be planning a blindside.


End file.
